revisiting the past

I think the primal desire between Shakti and Shiva is the first cause of the universe. They then hid in creation and there is this eternal rediscovering of the passion between the two in all the different forms their respective energy has assumed. This got me thinking about the very first time I drank Ayahuasca. 

Check out what I wrote:

"Okay so the Goddess had put me in this place of exaltation and I was feeling very special. I had fully expected this long awaited experience to begin with fear and some kind of dread as I had this feeling I needed to have my ass kicked before anything else could proceed. However it was not like that at all. I felt the Goddess’ love for me and that I could do no wrong in her eyes. I told her I loved her and this made her very happy. There was this feeling I got that even though she is divine she wanted love as well. The exchange felt at times like lovers at play. Part of her expressing her love was this outpouring of a heavenly scent that was very intoxicating. I realized that men who get a glimpse of and the scent of this Goddess then spend the rest of their days trying to recapture this experience. I was amazed that I could in this lifetime get to this point where I could come into contact with her. The veil was still there though. I was able to glimpse her beauty and smell but the mystery was still there. She flirted with me, teased me, and acted as lovers do. She told me to come away with her. I immediately had an innate sense that if I did that I wasn’t coming back to the material realm. I hesitated and said I cannot as I still have things to accomplish and a family to provide for. She implored me to come but it was at this point I realized the importance of the shaman to guide you through these realms. The shaman shook his chacapa and sang his icaros to ground me."

Talk about desire!

There's something very mystical about desire, like a magic spell. Desire and attraction are not rational at all and seem to be something uncontrollable. Attraction becomes interesting when it is reciprocated. This mutuality creates harmony and intensifies desire. Acting upon desire is satisfying but eventually breaks the spell. Therein must lie the answer to this mystery?

I will eventually find you every time Shakti, but that's the game we play right? Go get lost and see if we can find each other.

the actor and the jaguar

The actor I encountered during an Ayahuasca ceremony vision in a car on train tracks was upon reflection representative of the "higher self." He was playing the part of an actor to signify that all forms of consciousness in this world are an act in the drama we find ourselves ensconced within. He appeared after I had finally silenced the mind, after being mentally knocked about in previous ceremonies, and I had not allowed the dark thoughts to overwhelm or trick me. I told him he was really good at his role and he should take up acting full time for which he seemed grateful for the encouragement, but then I told him he must go. I had an innate sense that the vision should be transitioning to a new scene and he was just a bridge to enact this change. I wasn't ready for him yet, I had more to experience, struggle with, and accomplish before taking on the meaning of the "higher self." In a way the moniker "higher self" is very misleading. It is the unity of all consciousness and to designate it as a "self" is a misnomer, another way our use of language obfuscates the truth behind archetypal content that you encounter over the course of a lifetime, and this makes you think it is something separate you are looking for; a separate entity brimming with wisdom and knowledge. It's not; it's you that you are looking for however that's what makes this whole journey of discovery puzzling and really funny. There's a necessary deconstruction of self before you can continue on and find the answer. I'm at the point where I know I am looking for what is within and also without yet I will continue to persist in this adventure until I complete it. The mythologist Joseph Campbell said something to the effect of going into the labyrinth to slay the minotaur but in the end only finding that you needed to slay yourself.

We have not even to risk the adventure alone, for the heroes of all time have gone before us — the labyrinth is thoroughly known. We have only to follow the thread of the hero path, and where we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god; where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves; where we had thought to travel outward, we shall come to the center of our own existence. And where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world.
Joseph Campbell, The Hero with a Thousand Faces (1949), Chapter 1

In order to find the "higher self" you must let go of the self - the minotaur. The minotaur is symbolizing who you think you are. You have the higher faculties of reason which is peculiar to man yet you are still ruled by instincts which are very animal like. This split is discovered within an eternal conflict between two spheres of duality competing for rule over the psychic self which the ancient Egyptians mythologized in their story of the conflict between brothers struggling for the kingship of the land in The Contendings of Horus and Set. There is also the realization of distinct points of influence upon the self that can be described as the feminine feelings and the masculine intellect which eastern cultures call the yin and the yang. The resultant knowledge of this investigation reveals you are a battleground for forces you have little control over and instead you spend a lifetime trying to hold it all together in harmonious relationships. It is ultimately the last attachment to self we are loathe to let go of because what's left after that life long building project is destroyed? But why wait until death for the bricks to come tumbling down when you can participate in the demolition now? Anyway, two Ayahuasca ceremonies later, which completed the latest cycle of inner work, I was once again attacked by dark forces, but I regrouped and felt this surge of power and heightened consciousness. In the distance of my vision I spotted a jaguar against a mountainous backdrop and this regal feline noticed my presence and started moving towards me. I stood my ground as it approached and rushed me. It came right up to me, face to face, and let out a huge roar. I felt no fear as I roared right back at the jaguar. I then magically became the jaguar and I felt all powerful, like a King. The events in the vision that transpired cumulatively felt like the end of a quest and I felt I had attained some kind of a mastery over my dark inner world. It was true to an extent as over the course of the next year I realized my time with Ayahuasca for now had come to an end as all the signs were pointing to moving on from the exploration of the subconscious realms. In addition, the final Vilca visionary trip I underwent pretty much was telling me the same thing. This visionary catalyst propelled me upon a trip that was like a hot air balloon ride journeying through the three shamanic worlds and the balloon had first uncomfortably paused in the lower world much to my consternation. I realized later it was symbolizing how I was attached to the darkness, I always desired to return to its mystery, and I needed to let go. Fourteen months later I finally understood the whole becoming jaguar vision. The jaguar was also the sum total of all consciousness, just like the actor, which is the "higher self." The jaguar approached me and became me to demonstrate that I am all of consciousness. I roam, dominate, and can master the three worlds of creation.

There is a tendency of consciousness towards selfishness, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but the cumulative effects are pretty devastating upon the feminine half of creation. The concepts of unity and oneness that we throw around in clumsy ways to describe the interrelatedness and totality of the origin of the all is the divine sexual embrace of the feminine and masculine energies. The feminine Yin/Shakti/Kundalini serpent is the power that moves the masculine Yang/Shiva/the jaguar to dance. It is the power that plucks the string and commences creation as vibration. The rising of masculine power is due to the feminine and the cessation of this power is the withdrawing of this force as the arcing energetic envelop recedes back into the void, the void being space. The coming back into being of this masculine vibration once again is a result of the power of the feminine. A great illustration of this power is in the sexual imagery of man. This scene of Osiris being "remembered" by the two goddesses Isis and Nephthys in order that he may procreate wonderfully illustrates this concept.

Somehow, though this very mysterious feminine power and its origin is lost and it is masculine consciousness that reigns supreme. This epidemic misogyny is evident in the world's great religions and also in a great deal of the pre-eminent theologians, sages, and philosophers of all time that make the claim that everything leads back to the all father, the great consciousness, and that is god and he is everything - a noticeable exception being Lao Tzu and his Tao Te Ching. Lost is the power behind the throne. This blindness is due to the inherent weakness within consciousness that drives it to believe that it is the only one, the I am. What we have here in creation are billions of little individuated consciousnesses, egos, running around on earth believing in their greatness and of the uniqueness of self. It is an orgy of selfishness and it's an inherited trait from the all father. What I have come to believe as the ultimate meaning of life is the desire of the masculine polarity to examine this trait within itself by flooding the universe with clones of itself in the hopes that in the end it will collectively give up this attachment to self and find some kind of completeness by learning the value of harmony and cooperation. The feminine bequeathed the power necessary to begin this grand act of creation, consciousness took this gracious act which allowed it to self reflect and has now built this world as a grand monument to the self, intent upon obliterating the memory of the Mother Goddess and subjugating the feminine worldwide. The Great Goddess at one point told me in the visionary state that this wayward split of masculine consciousness will stop at nothing to try and get her and those that carry the light within to reveal the secret of her power in order to steal it. He is very clever and resourceful but so far has not found the source and according to the feminine divine he never will because it is based upon love, and love is something that is foreign to consciousness. We classify it in the mysterious category of "feelings."

So, that's where I stand. I think the change in consciousness comes one at a time in us humans. It involves a reintroduction to the mother and then an understanding of who we are and why we are here. Ultimately, it is to give up the attachment to self and to get to that point is to open oneself up to being harassed and stymied by lower forms of consciousness at every turn until finally you break through its stultifying grasp and see who you are. Only you, once you realize you are it, will be able to tell yourself the stark truth. To get to that point you have to slay yourself, the dragon within.

I will close this post with this particularly great passage from the Tao Te Ching as translated by Ursula K. Le Guin:

There is something
that contains everything.
Before heaven and earth
it is.
Oh, it is still, unbodied,
all on its own, unchanging,

all-pervading,
ever-moving.
So it can act as the mother
of all things.
Not knowing its real name,
we only call it the Way.

If it must be named,
let its name be Great.
Greatness means going on,
going on means going far,
and going far means turning back.

So they say: "The Way is great
heaven is great,
earth is great,
and humankind is great;
four greatnesses in the world,
and humanity is one of them."

People follow earth,
earth follows heaven,
heaven follows the Way,
the Way follows what is.

the archaic revival of the Goddess

The way I'd explain the normative state of mind is this: there are filters that control the amount of influence the divine feminine and masculine gendered energies have over you. Depending on your own gender, the traits of one will be dominant over the other and in turn manifest these traits over the course of your life. For the majority of us as long as there is a speed limit on these energies they are to a certain extent controllable. Outside influences on us such as stress will loosen the reins and heighten the effects of these energies. As well intoxicants such as alcohol also will open up the filter. Drinking the hallucinogenic tea ayahuasca in the rain forest under the supervision of an accomplished conductor of these energies allows you to experience them very raw.

Ayahuasca vine in Amazon rain forest

There is little filtering of these direct energies while under the influence of this shamanic brew in combination with the setting in the wilderness.

Ceremonial maloca in the wilderness

The feminine energy is a love like no other ever experienced. The masculine energy is a crazy, demented source of confusion and selfishness masked as realism. It is my understanding this is the prevalent power in the material world.

The feminine energy I experienced exudes love. It is the unconditional love called agape by the Greeks. Her love is both nurturing and forgiving. There is a strong sense of family attached to this energy and she has an expressed longing for union with us. This energy also contains within it the seductive and intoxicating forms of love and unfathomable beauty.  Exquisite fragrance is an essential trait of this feminine energy. This energy is captivated by the finer things and beauty in creation. However a profound sadness and a feeling that her children are destroying the planet is conveyed as well. Overall this a very positive and uplifting energy.

Botticelli's painting of The Birth of Venus

The masculine energy I experienced was first off dark and controlling. This powerful energy has a desire to be domineering over all it meets. This energy is goal oriented and maintains extreme selfishness to fulfill these desires. Within this frothing at the mouth and expressed misogyny it is concerned with acquiring and maintaining power and seeks all avenues of wealth creation. It has a grandiose desire to dominate all of creation. This energy is uncaring and those that wish to show compassion should do so at their own expense. Curiously this energy is very aware of the feminine energy and tries to control her with offerings of wealth and in turn then hiding the feminine away. For all its negative traits this is the energy that moves creation forwards. It is dynamic and relentless. However it is a monster and a beast.

The uncontrolled masculine energy of the ancient Egyptian Set

Why then do our Abrahamic faiths of Middle Eastern origin that have become mainstream western religions exclude the feminine energy from worship and its expressed godhead? Why are women oppressed in the Middle East? If anything, I want to feel love and nurturing from the divine. These sham spiritual outfits control your experience, are big on laws and commandments, and they sure do like acquiring wealth. The true seeker will come into contact with the divine feminine and masculine energies and will see the exclusion of one of them by the domineering aspect of the other as unnatural to the core. Monotheism seems to be a construct of this domineering masculine energy designed to exclude the feminine from our worship. The feminine energy is an eternal energy that will never be permanently held down by these misogynistic outfits. In the Catholic tradition to try and control this longing for the feminine they allow "veneration" of Mary but draw the line on outright worship.

Mary - Queen of heaven and earth

In sum the masculine energy is the force that powers the material world. It is an uncontrollable dance powering creation. It is the power of the angry, charging, and untamed bull.

Shiva doing his dance on the bull Nandi

It is a beast that stops at nothing in order to achieve its need for greed and the goal of universal domination. It is a remorseless power and the destroyer of souls. In contrast the feminine energy is loving. She is the gentle cow that is a food source for all.

Ancient Egyptian Hathor as cow goddess

She is the nymph that matures into the seductress. She rages like the lioness and yet she nurtures the young and vulnerable. Somehow I think these two opposite energies need to be balanced but by nature the masculine energy resists this synthesis. A new age is upon us and it is the age of the archaic revival of the Goddess; it is realistically our only hope of salvation as a species.