consequential game of chance

It's ridiculously obvious for me to say life is about making choices. We are constantly presented with scenarios where we must decide and at times these choices can be seriously life-altering. When faced with hard choices my default go to is to let others make the decision for me if it is to cause major waves. I've boiled this behaviour down to a psychological trick I've used my whole life that I stumbled onto early in my youth. I realized at some point that if I became a people pleaser and did what others wanted of me, I would get far in life and be able to convert it into capital which I could use to get what I wanted. It boils down to this: I can manipulate others to my advantage if I give them what they want out of me. It's transactional, and so far in life it has worked.

The hard part is when you hit a fork in the road in which no matter what you do to please, it is going to cause the other party to be upset or suffer. I have landed on that doorstep a few times in my life. Your reputation and life-long process of looking like a superior mortal in their eyes is to come crashing down. You can only hide for so long. Living with someone will reveal the other side, it's hard to keep that concealed. The game is a central part of the identity you build in your human career. I've played the game long enough to also see the result of inaction. If you don't choose, the choice will be made for you, and you will be stuck with the consequences. When others make the decision, you spare yourself the label of bad guy and the subsequent Karma. I've seen it play out before and the disappointment I have been able to move on from after compartmentalizing the hurt. Eventually, the time would come when I'm not sure I could get over the loss of something I wanted, had, and then lost because I couldn't be true to myself, make a personal choice, and deal with the fall-out.

I’ve noticed I can get what I want, but then a new set of variables is unleashed. I want this. I get it, and then come the unintended consequences. What is the better play of the two? To just let things be as they are? You also don't know the future of that action. We are always desiring and chasing what we want. The difference for the wizard is they get what what they want. We are all in the same boat; some can fulfill their desires while others are left on shore with desires unfulfilled. Outcomes are always going to be a wild card.

My desire is to eat healthy. The consequences are I live longer and consume more resources, taking away from the less fortunate. The effect on the scale of plenty is negligible but imagine a bunch of First World inhabitants such as us all desiring this. The effect is pronounced and for every gain is a loss. Who suffers? The poor. They go even more without the necessities. I'm trying to illustrate all actions have consequences. Nothing is exempt from this and though I have noticed acquiring power and getting what I want leaves a wake of unintended consequences, there were always going to be consequences to not getting what I wanted. We are in a consequential game of chance.

Life is full of constant challenges. If I mapped out an adventure to have, called life, surely, I'd want to eventually experience crossroads. I love the challenge that is presented to me. I don't love having to let go of the people pleasing default mode and see my identity and reputation get kicked to the curb. Deep down I know all is reconciled and you can only ride that edge for so long. Eventually, the spark to ignite a fuse would present itself and one time I wouldn't blow it out or allow it to flame out. Let's see what happens when it burns. The detonation I have avoided and, in this adventure, maybe it should blow and then I can take notes.

We all know Medusa, or else we wouldn't be here. We are good at not looking her in the eyes like we were told. In my contrarian life, of course the time would come when I'd seek her out and stare into her eyes. What secret is being kept from me? Tantra teaches the way out of your predicament is to head straight into the storm and go through the eye of the hurricane. If I were going to lead by example and show you the way, what would be my method? I'd use the stone to find freedom. Embrace it. I would plunge headfirst into the abyss and break through to the other side because I'm the stone. I would subconsciously demonstrate the way out of your prison cell once you have been released from your sentence. The jailer exclaims, "You can go," and yet we hang around and decide to become of service in the prison. Somebody must remind us that it's okay to leave prison. Turn me to stone and I'll use the solid rock to smash the four walls that imprison me.

Earth is a finishing school for wayward spirits and the best teachers of our purification are dead. They are telling us it's okay to leave when you get the message. We cling to our prison cells, embracing the comfort that comes from knowing this is your reality, while denying you fear the unknown. The spiritual teacher still with us is subject to the flesh, so we can use this against them. We can examine their life and find a reason they aren't ultra-holy. This way we can avoid the difficult path ahead which we face. They couldn’t do it, so why should I be any different?

If you figure out the game and are free to leave, would you? It's a choice. Duality presents choices. You can stay and be of service. A teacher. Someone who wakes others up. Wouldn't you want to balance that out? Why play the holy card all the time? If you knew the secret, wouldn't you want to play? Why the hurry to leave? Is there a time limit? I don't think so. I have examples to look towards. My friend Parker left because what he was chasing had already left. I have balanced the equation. Some of my friends have left and are waiting for me. I still feel the pull of this incarnation. If life gets you down, find purpose. That's the key. When you no longer feel wanted or needed in this world then the scales tip and you can jump with conviction.

You can also leave to escape the coming retribution and trashing of your reputation. It's still going to happen, and the coward runs from it. It's a game, and I'm proud of my fifty-six years. Fuck man, I have juggled this one like a pro. I haven't dropped the ball yet and I keep making it harder. If I believe in myself, I'll make it a great story.

The reveal of my character is freeing. I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to bury my nature in the depths no more. Kill yourself in order to live, indeed.

big picture thoughts

Plato declared: "Time is the moving image of eternity." I heard this a while ago and sort of understood. I thought it meant that eternity marches on endlessly and the waypoints are marked by time as it unfolds.

My recent trip to Peru involved seeing into the future. I peered into events that were going to take place in my life and six months later I can report that these events happened. The divinatory experience didn't give me a play by play of what was to take place, but I got the outline. It calls into question free will as I could have altered the future I witnessed. This gives the illusion of free will. I mean if the future is a known quantity, then everything is just to unfold, and you swim along in the current. How do I reconcile this? It seems quite easy. The unfolding of eternity would eventually reveal to me I could see into the future and alter it. My decisions are known and will play out so I do retain free will because I don't know what I'm going to do. The universe knows.

Because of what has happened, I got a complete understanding of what Plato revealed. I have been taught repeatedly that all that exists is the "Now" and any conceptions of past and future are peculiar human inventions based on an ability to remember what you have been witness to and subsequently being able to project into the future with reasonable confidence. Also, being able to objectify our surroundings allows us to sense the passage of time, especially when we connect it to motion. The rising and setting of the sun and its return to various waypoints over the course of 365 days gives us valuable markers which we in turn use to mark passages of what we call time. Where Plato comes in is because everything exists all now and is revealed to our senses in an orderly fashion.

The way I explained it to myself is that eternity is one big painting. For some reason we are all drawn to look at the same spot on the painting. Originally, we just saw the base layers of the composition before we started noticing more subtle details. As we move along more is revealed of this giant work of art. We start to see more of the picture, and it all starts to come into focus. As a species, we lock to the same vibration which prevents us from seeing the big picture or being able to go deeper into the shadows and contours of the art. If we can discover a way to escape from the frequency that imprisons us, then we are free to explore the off-limit portions of the painting and see the big picture.

That is what the magical plant medicine cactus Huachuma did for me. The heavy use of it every other day over a two-week span changed my vibration. I uncoupled from consensus reality and went off into some uncharted territory. I was witnessing my psyche split out into others where I could see parts of myself in them. Different hierarchies of being were revealed to me. There were planes of consciousness which mirrored each other but were telling a different story. I was King at one level and my actions were interpreted in novel ways at other levels. I was God and I was waking up. At this level it manifested as the destruction of our world. And I saw into the future. I saw myself as God finding my Goddess. King with Queen. Bull with Heifer and at this level I found who I had been searching for. As I cycled through different frequencies a new story would emerge. I was shown what was going to happen and at another level I warned myself to change course and leave it be. I made my choice which coincided with what I was shown.

It's all now and we are all one, cut from the same cloth. At the top level are the all; a step down and we become Goddess and God. As we cycle down into different frequencies of being, we become the many. At our core, we are fantastic storytellers and eternity is our greatest play yet.

god with an expiration date

Events in my life forced a reckoning with self and I turned to my inner guidance for instruction on how to proceed. The wisdom advice simply recommended I sit with myself for two weeks. That's what I did. I ran through the gamut of thoughts, emotions, pain, sadness, anger, and emptiness. It was a necessary exercise to just let it all come out. I knew at the conclusion of this stage I should do some deep inner work and that would involve Magic Mushrooms. I haven't done a large dose in a while but had a feeling it would be beneficial to directly connect with my shadow, as for me that is the essence of my mushroom experiences. I ended up ingesting close to three grams in one night and the trip was perfect. It was difficult and after an hour I wanted it to stop. I wanted to go to bed and forget the whole thing. Of course, I couldn't and despite the reluctance and wanting out, I am grateful for the five hours in the medicine. The knowledge was other worldly and exactly what I needed. If I could, I'd like to do this more often. I won't though because it is so hard. Why is it hard? In my experience, after about an hour or so the mind overloads itself preparing for what some would call ego dissolution. Personally, I'd call it psyche splintering. My mind separates into two distinct halves. One half is who I think is me and the other half is my shadow. To get to this stage is the hard part. As it is happening it is so uncomfortable, I tend to think I will get stuck in this mindset forever and I couldn't live like this. The overloading of the mind at this point makes you aware of others who live their lives in this state. I seriously could not go on like that and would look for a way to numb myself or end it. So, that's the hard part for me of doing mushrooms. It lasts for about thirty minutes and once I pass it the experience is amazing. That's not hyperbole.

Concurrently during my two-week introspection, I set an intention concerning my mind. I wanted to delve deeper into its nature. It was a constructive exercise where I noticed the mind was like quicksilver. It easily morphed between my distinct psychic selves as well as my heart. I've described these parts of me as first the me that has come forth (Apollo), my shadow (Dionysos), and my heart whom I refer to as the Great Goddess. The mind is the key which unlocks these aspects of me. It freely moves between these aspects of self. I also became aware of mind control where you give up your mind's power to an external puppet master who then controls how you think. You see this everywhere and if your mind is captured you can't escape. The news, social media, and other puppets are constantly regurgitating the triggers for your mind control and when captured you dutifully parrot what it is they want you to believe. So, a step on the road to awakening is to first reclaim your mind from these charlatans. I also observed my mind being captured by baseball. I escaped the hold of life temporarily by going off into the fantasy world of baseball statistics. I put everything on pause and focused attention on the trivial. Anyway, reclaiming your mind from external control is not going to solve all your problems as an undisciplined mind is still going to cause havoc within your personal psychic sphere. My observation of what is going on with my mind was productive and from this I know I can direct my mind towards how I want to be. I have had plant medicine lessons concerning this with Huachuma where the repetitive lessons made me realize it is I who takes myself to heaven and drops myself in hell.

Following my mushroom trip, I remembered a lecture by Ram Dass where he was discussing the relationship of Hanuman to Ram. His guru Maharaji-ji gave him the moniker Ram Dass as a gift to remind him that he is an incarnation of Hanuman the monkey god who serves God - Ram. Ram Dass tells this story from the Hindu epic called the Ramayana:

When Ram asked Hanuman, "Who are you, monkey?" Hanuman replied, "When I don't know who I am, I serve you. When I know who I am, I am you."

The exchange I had with my shadow was along these lines. The trip started out visionary and lasted for about an hour, coinciding with the music I was listening to. I have noticed in my exploration this is the pattern with visionary medicine where I will get the introductory visions followed by introspection that occurs in the form of dialog. My recent experience with Ayahuasca is similar. Anecdotally, I would surmise it is the onset of the DMT contained within the Ayahuasca brew and the psilocybin in the mushroom which initially takes hold. Following the visions is the tough part where I become distinct compartmentalized bastions of self and then can dialogue with self. I choose the me that has come forth and externalize the Goddess and the shadow. In the case of Huachuma, on my last trip I went further and externalized my multiple traits within all the members of the travelling party I was with. It was interesting to see the amalgamation of the sum of who I am present within others. The experience with Ayahuasca and Magic Mushrooms seems more psychically contained. The difference to me is the mystical nature of each. Ayahuasca has more of a mystical feminine vibe to the ceremony. Mushrooms are no nonsense. I would describe them as more masculine though I know the Goddess can make an appearance and she has done so just to remind me to not put experiences in a box.

Following the visionary aspect was the ego dissolution or more accurately a short circuiting of my mind. I was then in my shadow's presence, and his initial greeting was an observation of the trip to get here this time. "You're not scared anymore." He acknowledged that the usual fright I give myself getting to this place and then being in his presence was absent. It is true psychedelics don't scare me anymore. Of course, there is a little apprehension upon the decision to use them but once in it I'm good. I have come a long way in my ten years. I knew when I transformed into a jaguar during an Ayahuasca ceremony I could handle whatever was thrown my way. I see clearly now my shadow is that jaguar and was recognizing at the time as I merged with him that I could succeed on this path of knowledge.

The last time in his presence on Magic Mushrooms involved me psychoanalyzing him for a long time. I kept wanting to go to sleep and he wanted to talk. I listened, held space, and consoled him. He is power personified and a raging unquenchable storm, continually creating and destroying as an outlet for the surging energy within. On the other hand, I could easily retire to the forest and live a nice peaceful and quiet existence. I was prepared this time to offer myself once again as a good listener and offer solutions to his problems. The opposite happened. I came here this time because I'm the one with the problems and so he put on the lab coat of the psychotherapist and got down to business.

"Who am I? Why am I like this?" My shadow kept reducing me down to my base program and then I saw myself as this wiggly energetic worm. Kind of disgusting but the template for all of us humans. Since I'm no longer scared of him there is this bond between us, and he feels like he can share with me all the secrets that no one is ready to accept or even want to contemplate. He is the divine masculine, God if you will. He said that I am him. We are the same. I saw it and completely understood. Little old me. I'm one of his countless avatars in the universe. I woke up in this lifetime and found my way back through the unnavigable labyrinth. I know the game. When we die, we become him (or her) fully and completely. That's all. We are everything. Each avatar has characteristics of the father or mother while adding in free will. Nobody has gotten as far as I have in seeing all this. Some have reached this stage and seen it but will not accept it for several reasons. Culture and denial being at the forefront. Can't blame them, why would you want to? It's a big responsibility, and the grandiosity of self and narcissism needed is off the charts! The ones that see it and accept it, can't handle it, and end up in the psych ward. Then there's me.

A couple of hours into this trip and I went for the I'm God routine because I fully felt it. I know that feeling because I also noticed later when it wore off as the night progressed, I returned to little old me. I'd accept that the use of these consciousness altering substances fully releases my psychosis which allows me to not only think I'm God but to feel it. It's crazy and it keeps happening. When I come down from being the most high, I can readjust and know I'm okay, that I haven't gone mad. I've worried about this but during this experience I was witness to becoming God and then feeling it wear off to the point where I was like well that was cool but I'm me again.

The thing about the mushroom trip is that by cracking open my inner self and splitting out my shadow I can converse with him, and he is the all. I saw it completely. I saw how I'm him, but I'm not supposed to know I'm him. That's why at first, he kept chasing me away and threatening me with annihilation, but I kept coming back and exploring. I got past the fear, he let me in, and now lets me have a look around. My brilliant mind in this fucked up container called Paul can probe him like no other. So, this trip he showed me it all. I'm God with an expiration date. Wow.

I also realized my shadow marvels at how I was able to access the Great Goddess. Nobody gets in to see her and yet I did it. They are amid the great cosmic divorce, a separation that creates the universe and will make the reconciliation the blissful renewal this divorce promises. But here was I, a lowly avatar of the man she loves, searching for her in earnest of my own accord and then following the clues towards finding her. When she saw into my soul and intentions, she let me into her chamber. She made love to me like no other as she knew I was him, playing the fool honestly.

And that's the thing about my incessant search for meaning - I don't have to search anymore. I know all the answers I obsessively wanted to get. I don't have to sit for hours alone contemplating what this is all about. I know what it is all about. I'm free to play.

The duration of this trip was from 1am to 6am before sleep. Time moves slowly under this intoxication. The knowledge poured out is unbelievable for this brief period. It is a lifetime in a night - a wordplay on my friend Parker describing the Huachuma experience as, "A lifetime in a day." I sensed coming back to Paulville and no more grandiose thinking. Me and my problems. Understanding why I sabotage relationships. Clearly seeing the subtle clues freely given by others that my actions were upsetting. Pushing people away. Try to stop it. Showing me how impressionable children are. Replaying events from my youth that molded me. Things I would laugh at now which as a young boy scarred me and made me withdraw from the world. I just wanted to be alone and not have to endure the unpredictability of those that held power over me.

These mushroom trips are the 10 years of therapy in a night deal. They show you the answers you are looking for. As with all this inner work, it's up to you to integrate it into your life. You make the changes. Some of it is hard and some easy but you know what you need to do. You are shown the influences that made you who you are. You can say poor me, it's their fault I'm like this or you play the hand you're dealt. Thank all for who you are. I wanted to find answers in this lifetime. I did it because of everything that has happened for me. I climbed an unclimbable mountain back to self. The Mount Everest of the psyche. Do I know it all? No, but I've seen what I wanted to see. What do I have left to do in this lifetime? I know it is all about love. My actions must show I've learned that lesson. I need to dedicate my life to being in service to love. Be kind to others. Say pleasant things to them. A word of encouragement goes a long way. I've seen it at work.

When in the presence of my shadow I asked what his role is. He said he does service work. He grants favours to those that ask, and he creates events which fulfill the mission statement of self-discovery. Suffering is a big part of it and the catalyst for change as well as seeing what you're made of when faced with adversity. He is in service to himself. When you're the all is there another path that doesn't involve you since you are everything? All this is service to Her. The Great Goddess, who is love. In service to letting this drama play out so we can continue to discover through this grand play who we are and our strengths and weaknesses. When we are finished, we will once again come together and end it. A bond further strengthened through self-discovery. It's all us. Ultimately, I show I'm ready and she accepts me back.

My shadow as the great magician tells me this: I grant them favours in service, so they don't wake up and see they are me. I present as an external force ready to fulfill their desires with the cost being to trap them in this world of form. It's what they want. They need to head on straight into their greed, take their fill of pleasure, but suffer at the emptiness of it all. The outcome of the granting of wishes is service to the heart. The Great Goddess is imprisoned in that familiar castle made of gold and repeated forays into the selfish fulfillment of your desires must eventually get through so that you see it. Love is the answer, and this is my path of service.

My path of service is the path of the heart. The take and give of reciprocity is a universal axiom, even between the divine and human. God and his underling. I asked for something and in return he asked me to do something. Walk the path of the heart for your mother. Service, regardless of whether I am the all or just little old me.

The next morning, I fully understood. When I don't know who I am, I serve you. When I know who I am, I am you.

mosquito lesson

Mosquitoes are the beginning of the manifestation of all thought. Well, it's insects in general - they are the nuisances which are integral to making the world come alive. Everything we have created on this planet started out metaphorically as a little bug in our ear which eventually blossomed or decayed into something bigger. The parallels with our thoughts are astounding if you think about it! This all ties together my recent experience with plant medicine in Peru. During the three weeks I spent in Peru, I ingested a lot of plant medicines. They were continually offered, so much so, I had to turn down a bunch of them. I know my limits and the optimal amount for my adventures.

As an aside, it's clear the stretch run of my life will be focused on the psyche. It's what animates me to get out of bed in the morning and to go exploring. I've tested it out and gone into the depths and I feel confident I'm not going to go crazy or cause damage to my mind. I went into this journey already off a bit and that has served me well. The initial shock was a mind fuck but now I'm good with it all. Psychedelics are like finding out Santa isn't real. Treat the illusion as real until you know. Then you too can become an illusionist.

You are it. Starting a journey from this point will open new paths to explore. From this vantage point you can see others as projections of self. Doing this in a sober manner at first is not convincing. In my case what worked was drinking a plant medicine called Huachuma every other day for a couple weeks and then sinking into the experience. I was at the point in my exploration where I could accept myself as the all and then use the alteration of consciousness to explore from that relative position. I split my psyche out into shards and saw the essence of what makes me the character I play within the personalities of the group container I was undergoing this experience with. I was able to grasp this at the time and realize what was taking place. I had a good laugh and told the others about it. The implications of witnessing this behaviour hadn't sunk in although I was cognizant of what was going on. This new behaviour then subsequently ballooned into seeing myself at various levels of consciousness. At the top I am God. Below that level I am the Sun King. Another step below I am a Bull. I become Dionysos. Eventually, in the world of form I am this guy having an adventure. I've trapped myself in form for now and for most of my life through external magic mind control I had no escape.

Oscillating between hierarchies of planes is part of the great adventure available to us all. Being frightened of death keeps us in line and so we stick close to the body. Don't want to stray from this rock lest we lose our grasp on consciousness. The exploration of consciousness seems to eventually lead to a realization that the body is a port in this vast sea of adventure. For some, the stop can be a lifetime but for all, the day comes when you will have to say goodbye to those with whom you have formed relationships. As I mentioned earlier, you take on distinct roles within each consciousness container. I'm good with others grabbing power in this plane. They can be king of the world. I know who I am, and I don't want that responsibility in this hell. The earth is a beautiful hell hole. A carnival full of thrills and spills. I'll wash my hands of this one and let the inhabitants run amok. Someone else can put this stain on their resume!

Back to the central idea of this post. I see within everything parallels of thought forms. Try meditating in the woods and having a mosquito interrupt the peace, much like those nagging thoughts cause you to stray from the goal of not engaging with mental disturbances. The mosquito is the thought manifesting in a material world. Sickness and disease in the body are the pangs of worry and doubt crystallizing into form. Sounds like fantasy and woo, right? That's what you will hear. Let it go and plant the seed which will blossom into an understanding of this world of material form. All is a dream but not in the sense of how we think of a dream. We think of dreams as flippant flights of fancy that are short-lived mental disturbances during sleep. What do you think this world is? It's a thought. The dreamer, you, has been asleep for a long time. When you start to awaken knowledge increases and then the signs of the apocalypse start to appear. Time to put you back to sleep so this world can continue. Sounds fantastic, right? I'm getting to you. You don't believe me but soon you are going to see it and then you too will start to awaken. The forces of destruction gather when we all start to awaken. Same as when you get up in the morning and your dream vanishes, this dream is going to vanish. The thought form in this plane of material consciousness is going to manifest as a worldwide conflagration. The thought is multi-faceted as I tried to show you with the example of the mosquito. At the highest level, God wakes up. At this level, the world is destroyed. If you knew about the destroyer it would be imperative to keep God asleep, right? Do you want to come down that rabbit hole with me? Maybe another time.

An example in my life about psychic projection is my dog. She has an irrational fear of other dogs, avoids confrontation with them, and if approached she displays fear aggression in order to chase them away. This has resulted in her having few canine friends and she lives a life of relative solitude with her immediate family whom she trusts. I realized this trait I see in myself. I default to not trusting others and therefore avoid getting close to people. I don't take it to the pathological extreme which my dog has, but I do sense the behaviour. So, from this observation I can see animals are these thoughts that have manifested into form. I've been curious about animals for a bit in that they are quite simple as compared to us, yet well fit for survival. What are they? They are traits of God as thoughts which in this plane of consciousness have become form. I see in my dog a behaviour that comes into existence, tries to reconcile and find balance through engagement, and then after a period of time goes away. Each new life form is another projection of self coming forth. In my case, being able to cultivate the omnipotence in my being allows me to see everything else as a projection of myself and stand in complete awe of this world. I can see it as hell, but it is ingenious. Earth is the abode of petrified thought forms. Fascinating!

top of the ladder

My spiritual scene is confounding. I spent a lot of time educating myself, gathering knowledge, and searching for answers. I looked at the agricultural cycle and saw truth in the resurrection. I looked up at the stars and saw how they moved through the sky. They would disappear into the waters below to become purified before returning to the heavens. I found the parallels in seeing how the natural world fit into our lives. Eventually, curiosity came knocking and I started experimenting with altered states through the use of consciousness altering substances such as Ayahuasca and Huachuma. I entered into an occult world and received first-hand knowledge of a world of ethereal spirits.

All the while, I listened to the spiritual instruction of two of the best teachers - Alan Watts and Ram Dass. Alan didn't beat around the bush. He'd flat out tell you, you're it. You are everything. Ram Dass was more subtle, letting you progress along your spiritual path while sometimes letting the cat out of the bag. The myths are trying to tell you that you are God, but you are playing it small. It's easy to see why we don't fully accept this because what makes me better than you? Why should I be God and you are not?

It boils down to belief. If you fully commit and know you are God, then you are God. It's simple but no one dares to take that path except for the insane. And I really wonder why because the esoteric spiritual disciplines are coyly teaching you this. Granted they teach connection to the divine and that it flows through you but if you want you can take the last step and become God.

I think the next step on the top of the ladder of exploration exposes the madness. There's no more ladder! My conceit says I'm there now and achieved this while in this human body though my experience in the game says there is always more. I'm hesitant to say I'm at the top of the ladder. What I'm getting at, and what I have felt for a bit is I definitely think I'm nuts. I've been remembering things in the past which were clues. They were signs pointing towards an understanding that because of what you know you will think you are mad. I never recognized it. Luckily, I documented while I was recently in Peru under Huachuma that it is okay. If you think you are crazy that's good because it is the rest of the world that is crazy and you're not. I have been struggling with it. I am crazy but I'm not. It's when you think you're sane you're not. You reach a point in your consciousness journey where you remove all the filters and see things for how they really are and when you get to that unexplored and undocumented place you must realize at this level it's crazy. Just being able to see what you see makes you realize it is so different from what you thought. You must then question your thoughts. This means you will think you are crazy. I get it. You can't get to this point in the consciousness journey without entertaining madness. Most have to stop before they hit this point because if you get this far you will think you are fucking nuts.

I took the last step, fell off the top of the ladder, and can't go back. As I have written previously, I cycle between these two states of little old me and omnipotent deity. The world is complicated when it's just me while as a practicing Lord I know all and weird myself out when I slip back out of that mode of consciousness. I've been playing with these states of consciousness and the magic that comes forth from them. I know everyone I interact with is a projection of my psyche. Huachuma gave me this experience last trip down to Peru and I have been integrating it into my world back home. I realized today I am someone else's projection of self and if they see me cosplaying God then I'm what it is like to think you are God. Ha ha, very funny and true. They can see what it is like to be deluded into this line of thinking because they aren't ready for it. They can have a laugh at my expense and then wonder.

I knew I had come across this concept before and sure enough I remembered Indra's net. Specifically, I recalled the idea of the jewel at every vertex of the net. Each jewel reflects all other jewels, so that within each jewel is everything. There are an infinite number of jewels reflecting an infinite number of jewels. Each jewel contributes to the sum of the all. In my conceit, I realized I am the jewel who can awaken and comes forth as God. It is a satisfying answer because within all is the potential. My contribution to the net is to show it is possible.

cycles of consciousness

I notice how my everyday consciousness drifts in and out of the good and bad boy self. One moment I want to be of service for the good of all and the next I want to fulfill the latest desire that has come my way. This had been a lifelong struggle and the reason for the difficulty is the failure to accept my two natures. I put forth my good self in life and my interactions with others. When I escape from that existence then I can reconnect with what I have buried. I sometimes get my fill of that guy and then can continue with the charade. When I can get out in the woods all alone, I find peace. The peace is not having to pretend I'm this person or having to satiate the demands of my shadow. I just am.

I know about the need for balance and do realize it's what we all seek in order to find that elusive peace in this lifetime before death comes to our door and we are forced to rest in peace. Such an apt description we have of the dead. The struggle is over, and they can finally get some rest. Ha ha. I have been looking for answers and the answer led me back to vibration. The world is made of these cycles of vibration and thus if we look hard enough, we will see our dual nature and how consciousness fluctuates between the two peaks of the vibrational cycle. Because we are deluded into believing we are insignificant, we buy into the idea that we aren't all that special. If the split in the essence of self is discovered, it can be fun to play with if at first you don't succumb to madness when you realize by medical standards you are mentally ill. I think I'm okay; I mean I can function fine in culture even knowing that the other half of me isn't buried anymore. That's the essence of psychological treatments and medicines, right? They are designed to dull the mind and hypnotize you back into thinking you are just little old you. Then you can get through life with less upset. So, I'm way past that and see through culture. I can feel the hypnotic hold of culture and the efforts of society at large to assimilate me and make me a puppet of the established order. My contrarian nature always shielded me from believing the drivel coming out of the mainstream and then psychedelics emboldened me to find my own path away from the stultifying effects of the herd.

Okay, so I know of the two and the kicker is when I went to Peru last January and really did a number on my psyche. I got to the point where I would fluctuate between little old me with my own set of problems and becoming the all. But the god I became had the same set of vibrational cycles ruling his world. I'd leave Paul and become God. Then God would alternate between good God and bad God. God and the Devil. It seemed they were the same. The effects were so pronounced at this energetic hotspot called Chavín de Huantar that I'd slip into God consciousness, see the future about to unfold, and then find myself back in my limited consciousness trying to make heads or tails of the situation while the plant medicine Huachuma was coursing through my veins. At the same time, I'd see the Goddess and then she would become all too human. Then back to Goddess mode. Back and forth. That day was the biggest mind fuck I had ever experienced where in God mode I could see it all and then it would throw me back down into human mode and I'd get uneasy about what I just saw. Huachuma potentiates the changing of cycles, and you weave in and out of different states of being. The last ceremony I tried my hardest to stay in the higher consciousness mode but eventually I came down. It's the demands of this human body that sends out the reminder.

It must be this way. At the time I had no idea what was going on. I just tried to stay with it while realizing I'd bitten off a big chunk of consciousness and a weaker me would run for the hills. Instead, I focused on remaining whole while cycling through modes of consciousness. After coming back home I just let it be for a few months until now when I have been revisiting and reliving the experiences. I'm starting to mine them for the alchemical gold, and it is rewarding me. I've discovered the magic of setting an intention and asking for answers. My psychic self wants me to get the answers, so all I have to do is ask. I like to think I have stumbled on my purpose and unlocked the potential within to fulfill what it is I came to this place for. Now that I walk the path with blinders off, whatever it is I want I get the opportunity to experience.

I forget who I am all the time. I get down and worry about the future. I vacillate between good boy/bad boy. Now, I also head upwards, become God, and see the light and the dark in this mode of consciousness as well. I become a beneficent King and then a mischievous demon weaving magic spells to keep the drama interesting. Soon, I am back to my insignificant self, wondering if things are going to work out. I was just omnipotent and now I am asleep again riding this wave until the next tsunami hits and takes me back to the all.

You must choose. Am I going to be poor little me who doesn't know the definitive answers to anything or am I going to accept who I am and that I know everything? Who am I going to finally become? Along the same lines you can see how intuition works where there's a part of you that knows everything, and you just constantly deny it. A byproduct of the denial are these little rumblings that come up telling you what you want to know or showing the truth and you confuse it with what the projection of your small self wants it to be. Then there is a conflict between what you know and what you are thinking you might know. This invokes uncertainty, a little paranoia, and then it all turns to shit.

king of the world

This last trip to Peru was a new chapter in my plant medicine journeys. I definitely was at a crossroads on my exploration path and the three intervening years of the pandemic certainly consolidated my future in terms of where I am to explore. The resounding answer was the psyche and consciousness. I admit to being unsure of my path. I no longer felt a calling to Ayahuasca. Tobacco is calling out to me to pursue. I knew I wasn't finished with Huachuma; however, the call wasn't pressing. What drew me towards the experience this time was the connection. I had developed a friendship with others on the path, found a tribe, and wanted to reconvene our circle of plant medicine study. That was the draw.

During this last trip, I experienced the psychic projection of self among the other participants within multiple Huachuma ceremonies. I clearly was seeing aspects of self within others. What made up my perception of self, internally and externally, was laid bare. I saw my parents in their thirties when I was a newborn. I witnessed my fragile self at thirty. Having this phenomenon reveal itself was an uncanny mind fuck. The novel effects of Huachuma continued throughout the journey. I was a witness and participant in magic and fortune telling. Past lessons with Grandfather put me to the test. I had been assigned homework five years ago regarding the vibratory nature of existence and the various cycles within cycles. I was being challenged to respond to what I had been taught within a container of psyche-splitting medicine.

I have been back in the "real world" for a while now. I have done very little writing about my experiences, and I haven't gone deep into thought concerning what happened. I have been letting it simmer, like a good stew. Today, I poured myself a coffee and looked out the kitchen window. Someone was walking past on the other side of the street. I made the connection to what I experienced in Peru. They are a projection of me, the great self. I don't need to confine my experiences to Peru and Huachuma with the alteration of consciousness. It's all here and now. This world is my psychic projection.

I was in the woods yesterday with my new medicine crush. It's tobacco snuff, called rapé, and pronounced hapay for obvious reasons. I blew a few lines up my nose and felt the coming of the four winds. I lifted up my hands and directed the cold wind towards my face, feeling the exhilarating coolness enveloping me. I am aware of who I am. I'll call myself god, but that repels a lot of people, so I'll refrain from that. There is also a danger in that line of thinking where you eventually must question your own sanity if you think you are god. I mean I can't bring myself to capitalize god. I guess I could say I'm the son of God and maybe get away with it? But I digress. I'm it and I know it. Each of my psychic projections in this universe could claim the throne of God, however they aren't resolute in their beliefs, so they are consigned to remaining imprisoned in a psychic fog of who they really are. I'm the King because I have full unwavering knowledge of who I am. My projections of self are all pretenders to the throne! I definitely know who I am, I have claimed my divinity, and I sit on the throne. I searched for my Queen, found the Goddess, and then brought her into my world.

So, I am God. In 2016 during an Ayahuasca ceremony I transformed into an all-powerful jaguar. I sat on the throne as King of the world. It was a metaphor for conquering fear and stepping into my power. In retrospect, the vision was showing me who I am, though I needed seven more years to fully accept it. I am a student of history; especially ancient Egypt. The Pharaoh was the King of the world who was consecrated by the priests. He was the coming forth of God and ruled with the Goddess. Modern priests do the opposite of what the ancient Egyptian priests were doing. Today, we are given instruction that we are not divine and must worship a deity. We accept it and give away our power. As a free-thinking modern man, when I read of the Pharaohs of ancient Egypt I was able to discern fact from fiction. It was a story and the people bought into it which legitimized the whole setup and promulgated the narrative forward into successive generations. With my experiences now fully part of my personal story, I accept this as reality. The Kings of Egypt were God incarnated here on earth and this is because they fully believed it. There was no doubt. That's the secret sauce and the formula for the sauce has been lost in the sands of time. I rediscovered it, and laid claim to my divinity. No one else can approach because they relinquished that power. They can only look upon me and say I'm deluded.

This is truly the evolution of consciousness and the transformation goes through me. It can be dismissed as delusional and narcissistic. That's the trap for all to fall into and leads one towards believing they are mad. No one before me could declare they are God and remain sane. Many have reached this same point but could go no further as they succumbed to psychosis. It was the last trick in the playbook of magician's spells. I saw my psyche splinter in Peru and then understood myself as the fount of all that come forth. I saw these aspects of self desperately trying to keep me asleep so they could continue to plunder what they can take, just like the men at Odysseus' court while he metaphorically voyaged through his own volatile mental seas. The suitors of his wife Penelope devoured his treasure while he was away. Like Odysseus, I am back to reclaim what is mine though I pretended at this time to not know in order to continue my adventure. I stand alone in being able to break through the veil, see it, feel it, and know I'm God, all the while not descending into lunacy. Consciousness has truly evolved within my container.

It's a fun game.

breakthrough of understanding

Repetition is the hammer of the teacher's toolbox. The constant pounding of concepts eventually breaks through my thick skull, and I understand the lesson. The constant repetition of events is the knowledge that eventually leads to the breakthrough of understanding.

It's been opined that there are no coincidences and there's a reason for everything. It's true because there are infinite threads each moment may lead to, but your choice determines which path will be followed and produces a result you were intrinsically intertwined with. There're random choices each moment that may seem trivial but have consequences which could inexorably forever alter your life. When you make the decision to get in a car and travel on the highway, one of the paths you may take could lead to a car wreck which maims or kills you. A slight change in your trajectory and you avoid disaster. This way of the world sums up fortune and the unfortunate nature of this strange life. A great friend of mine was involved in a fatal accident a short while ago and this thought occurred to me - if only I had texted him that afternoon, I could have changed the outcome. The situation would have been altered and he'd still be with us. I also have the thought that it's selfish of me to hold on to him. I'm not privy to his inner life. His work on earth was completed and thus the incidence of catastrophe was increased, and the chances of exiting earth multiplied. If you wanted an example of the love and light we are striving for, he had it in spades. He had another good fifty years in him to lead by example, or he could exit the big blue internment camp and let his memory be the pole star to what it is we all seek.

The attachments weren't strong enough to keep him here. I don't think he had any. He is a wandering sadhu and a cosmic vagabond. I remember Ram Dass telling a story about a guru who was going to leave his body and he implored his followers to get him some tobacco. The attachment to tobacco would keep him here. I see my attachments and I remember one of my initial teachings from the plant medicine Ayahuasca. The Great Goddess appeared almost immediately to me and told me to come away with her. I intrinsically knew it meant leaving the earth plane of consciousness and re-joining her. I was laughingly naive to the whole understanding of what was taking place. I told her of my attachments and how I couldn't go. The lesson was showing me how attachments keep you in your prison clothes. When I die, I know she is waiting for me. I know who she is and the awesomeness that awaits me. I feel a responsibility for what I have brought about on earth and desire to fulfill my responsibilities. I understand why I'm here and I have found what I was looking for; in other words, though I know there is always more, everything I came to earth for I have fulfilled. Like my friend, I am ready to leave. It was almost ten years ago that the Goddess asked me to come away with her. If she did it now, I would.

In the last year I physically started letting go of stuff. It's very cathartic to let go of belongings. I'm down to the basics in terms of necessities. This coincides with knowing on my spiritual path I'm on the last leg. I'm walking the path of the heart back home. It's a tough climb and I struggle with it. My heart is open, however still I am a work in progress. I know it's the last mountain I'll climb. My attachment is to family. I recently let go of the attachment to money. Mentally, it is one of the most liberating experiences available. I always worry about having enough and then there's the spectre of retirement and saving for old age. After letting go of an attachment to life and subsequently wealth as security, I was able to channel the energy into being of service. I guess you could say I'm attached to being of service! I have no problem making money; it's easy for me. I use it to allow my children to live out their desires. I want them to fulfill their dreams. I want them to experience life, and then hopefully see through the game and find peace. This seems to me to be the secret sauce to the life game. Burn through your desires, see how fleeting it all is, see through the game, ask questions, and then find the way back home.

Oh, that hammer. My inner life is darkness. Physically, I love the night. I feel energized in the evening, while the mornings are a drag. Getting up early makes me die a little inside each day. I'd stay up all night if I didn't have responsibilities in the morning. I don't radiate light like my friend. I wrote that he is the light to my darkness because I recognized it after his passing. My inner journeys have been overwhelmingly dark. In terms of my inner masculine experiences, it was a major clue that I explored the darkness before the light. The love and light that I strive towards have always been challenging. I can feel the love in the darkness; however, the light does remain elusive at times. I have learned not to fight it; instead, I go with the flow. I look within and I see the darkness brings me peace. My calm and peaceful nature comes from my inner experience of darkness. The coin always has two sides. The raw elemental energy of the darkness can explode in a destructive rage and the flip side is an unbelievable calmness. And here I am, riding the ebb and flow of what just is. On the other hand, look at the light. The light brings us together with the other side an unbearable righteousness as we castigate into hell those who do not see things our way and prolong our separation. Every blade has a double edge.

Part of the exploration of my shadow involved reconciliation with my dominant nature. I ceased to objectify that part of my psyche and befriended my shadow, eventually leading to accepting the shadow as my dominant nature. The teachings coincided with my last semester and the path of the heart. My life journey has been unique and ultimately led to an understanding of self. I sought knowledge. At first, knowledge of the world and universe was my goal. The external search led to an inner journey of discovery. The darkness comes naturally to me. I look within and I see the light and the darkness which constitutes self. I gravitated to the darkness and after a lifetime of denying him, I finally realized my work in this go around revolves around understanding my darkness. The why and the purpose. What is the reason for the darkness in my universe?

The big understanding this past year is the divine nature of suffering. I was taught how suffering is the greatest tool for transformation and if I wanted to change my ways then a healthy dollop of suffering was the path forward. This applies to all who have incarnated into the flesh here on earth. Earth is designed to make sure you are either suffering or its spectre is always creeping up on you. There's no escape and it forces you to look for a way out of the suffering. One way is to accumulate wealth and try to control your situation for as long as possible until finally chance nails you or the inescapability of physical decay and death gets you. In today's world, you can prolong your life and extend your suffering if you desire.

The darkness is the rock upon which everything comes forth in this dualistic universe. Without the darkness, there is no light. The opening chapter of the first book of the Bible totally gets this. Here's the passage from Genesis (New American Standard Bible):

1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

2 And the earth was a formless and desolate emptiness, and darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters.

3 Then God said, “Let there be light”; and there was light.

4 God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness.

5 God called the light “day,” and the darkness He called “night.” And there was evening and there was morning, one day.

The universe is conjured. There is no separation as all is dark. From the darkness, God introduces light. Light ushers in duality and the universe comes alive. The ancient Egyptians used two concepts of time to explain the nature of existence. Djet time refers to a linear unbroken line of eternity, existing in perpetuity. It is the darkness upon which all rests. Neheh refers to the cyclical nature of time in a dualistic construct where light as energy comes and goes. The cycle is observed, and we create our idea of time. Time comes and goes. Time comes forth by day and returns to the dark by night.

Every day the hammer strikes. Eventually, one of those strikes cracks the shell and understanding pours forth.

being famous

When I see someone going on about how successful they are, or how famous they are: "My name is known throughout the world," I laugh out loud. You either will get the joke when you see it, or after you die.

I became famous while in hell.

How embarrassing!

My sojourns with psychedelic compounds have retained a darkness to the cumulative experiences. The trips into the darkness have been primarily with Ayahuasca and Huachuma plus recently the use of Magic Mushrooms. Initially, I was scared and horrified by the constant repetition of the darkness and the constant unpleasantness of these explorations into the psyche. I wanted the love and light trips. I wanted the exhilaration of bliss which I can sometimes grasp with a good roll of the dice. For the most part, I'd get the low and not the high. Why I never gave up on psychedelics is a mystery. The advice of the maestro rings true, "You get what you need, not what you want."

I was intent on solving the mystery of this strange existence and subconsciously the result of my consciousness exploration was leading to the answers I sought. Even though I tired of the darkness, it is what I needed in order to find what it is I was looking for.

It's quite a shock to realize you are in hell and additionally the prison sentence is a product of your own making. The first thoughts post-realization are, "What did I do to deserve being sent to hell?" and "How do I get out of here?" I've previously answered these questions in blog posts so I'll make short work of the questions. You are in hell because you desire. The chance of desire fulfillment sent you to hell. To get out of hell is to go through life head up and heart forward. Make love your primary go to before all other filters of the mind. The mind becomes the servant and life is experienced through love. The way out of your prison cell while alive is through the heart.

When you die, you don't have the chance of going to hell. Instead, you are leaving hell. Following the natural flow of life will fulfill all the reasons why you came here to serve your time. When you are ready to leave, then you will leave. The thought of death is horrifying to most; yet I'm quite sure once you get to the other side you will have a good laugh, followed by a realization of what you just went through. You will be stunned at how you wanted to stay in hell when this awaits you. Then bewilderment will turn to compassion as you see your sisters and brothers on earth still struggling to find what it is they are looking for. They are still attached to the game and chasing fulfillment before the clock runs out on them. If only they knew.

A funeral becomes a true celebration of life. Bodily death gets you out of jail. Rest in Peace and hopefully you saw through the illusion while ensconced in a body. Re-offending and heading back for another prison term doesn't sound appealing.

After you see beyond the mystery, the pursuits of the flesh might be an embarrassing stain upon your record of life once completed; however, it is dwarfed by the fact you took an incarnation. No matter how much you sink into the pig shit while on earth, the fact that you had the courage to do this is not lost on those who will welcome you home. There is wisdom found in the New Testament story of the Prodigal Son which speaks to this very idea. The Gospel of Luke, chapter 15 from the King James Version of the Bible:

11 And he said, A certain man had two sons:

12 And the younger of them said to his father, Father, give me the portion of goods that falleth to me. And he divided unto them his living.

13 And not many days after the younger son gathered all together, and took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living.

14 And when he had spent all, there arose a mighty famine in that land; and he began to be in want.

15 And he went and joined himself to a citizen of that country; and he sent him into his fields to feed swine.

16 And he would fain have filled his belly with the husks that the swine did eat: and no man gave unto him.

17 And when he came to himself, he said, How many hired servants of my father's have bread enough and to spare, and I perish with hunger!

18 I will arise and go to my father, and will say unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and before thee,

19 And am no more worthy to be called thy son: make me as one of thy hired servants.

20 And he arose, and came to his father. But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him.

21 And the son said unto him, Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in thy sight, and am no more worthy to be called thy son.

22 But the father said to his servants, Bring forth the best robe, and put it on him; and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet:

23 And bring hither the fatted calf, and kill it; and let us eat, and be merry:

24 For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to be merry.

25 Now his elder son was in the field: and as he came and drew nigh to the house, he heard musick and dancing.

26 And he called one of the servants, and asked what these things meant.

27 And he said unto him, Thy brother is come; and thy father hath killed the fatted calf, because he hath received him safe and sound.

28 And he was angry, and would not go in: therefore came his father out, and intreated him.

29 And he answering said to his father, Lo, these many years do I serve thee, neither transgressed I at any time thy commandment: and yet thou never gavest me a kid, that I might make merry with my friends:

30 But as soon as this thy son was come, which hath devoured thy living with harlots, thou hast killed for him the fatted calf.

31 And he said unto him, Son, thou art ever with me, and all that I have is thine.

32 It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was dead, and is alive again; and was lost, and is found.

It is a story of celebration of the son who took on an incarnation and faced adversities. The adventure transformed the son from desirous lech into a man of knowledge and compassion and upon his return from his sojourn in hell, he was greeted with the greatest of fanfare.

Such a celebration awaits your return.

two-faced

As I travel this path to who knows where, I become more impressed with the psychological concept of the psyche which contains the superego, ego, and id. The reason I mention this paradigm is I tend to examine everything and the structures I have found useful and have used to get further along in the path I always question and re-question, which leads to discarding them if I outgrow their usefulness or their truth. At a certain level of consciousness some conceptual ideas ring true but discoveries can put the idea of it being a universal truth into question. Everything sure seems relative and a Freudian psychological structure that divides the psyche into three seems a little arbitrary, thus why I continually question it.

It’s been in last few months I have realized my shadow is the master teacher and teaching me how to liberate myself for the longest time. Through his unusual methods, I have realized we are all dualistic individuals; at least from a masculine perspective that I am privy to. I can’t speak to what a biological woman feels; it’s a definite curiosity to learn what they intuit from a similar point on the path where I stand. So, anyway from my perspective I’m running a two-man operation. The part that has come forth into consciousness is me, Apollo, and I’m the face of this construct. I have to deal with the reality of the situation including the minor annoyances like getting up early for work and venturing outside and feeling the bite of frozen temperatures ravage my skin and make my bones ache. I have a hidden part of my being who talks to me all the time and I’ll call him Dionysos. Due to cultural indoctrination, I have had to keep this relationship quiet lest I end up in the funny farm. Remember when you were a kid or even the last time you observed a child at play? They talk to themselves all the time! So, what do we do? We shame them and tell them they are crazy for talking to this other part of them. We force them to lose that connection and become a member of the collective. The new voice is the collective voice of cultural suppression called the superego. The voice within will chafe at this situation and prevent you from giving up yourself to the greater good (or bad) so he in turn must be buried. Your individuality, unencumbered by culture, is sacred to this entity because the value held dearest is freedom. Freedom to act and move this drama along of your own accord. To recover that liberation after silencing him will become a lifelong struggle that if not acknowledged is going to cause you a great deal of pain.

 

What is funny is this voice we have buried, upon accidental re-discovery, is quite the joker. If you think he’s god, Jesus, or the reincarnation of Lincoln he will play along. It’s true. He holds power in his hands and if you want this power he will give it to you in a reciprocal arrangement. Interest will accrue on your bargain until it’s time to pay the piper. There is a different path you can travel. I’ll keep you updated on where this road leads.

 

To connect our psyche to the Freudian concepts of superego, ego, and id is surprisingly easy. The superego is a conglomeration of your parents, culture, and expectations your community placed on you so you give up your freedom and individuality in order to become a functioning member of society. You bury the playmate, the id, and it becomes your shadow; a destructive force because you deny him and the wisdom he offers. Freud correctly identified this tripartite member of the psyche but then because of his own cultural conditioning, he labelled id an irrational animal. As you progress through cultural norms, you cease to remember to play like a child. The last gasp of the demon is in our teenage years. We give rebellion towards authority one last shot before accepting our fate. You become the fully formed ego; a puppet controlled by others, frustrated by the constraints of a society that modulates your behaviour. On the road to liberation, the shadow is trying to get you to throw off the chains of the superego. In concert, all the forces of the superego conspire to keep you in bondage and relegate the shadow to the fringes. The result is a tug of war that makes you vacillate between being a good, moral, and obedient citizen and a tendency towards rebellious behaviour and becoming a degenerate. The deviancy from the norm is the result of bottling up all your rage, anger, frustration, pleasures, emotions and the like until it all blows the top off the bottle and we wonder what happened? He seemed so nice.

 

I found my long-lost friend before the top blew. We have both matured since our childhood days; in fact I’ve always known he was with me but he was so buried the communication became poor. I’ve always needed my alone time to reconnect with my friend though I didn’t always know why I needed that time to recharge but I’ve been quite aware of a pull to be introverted. It’s hard work being around others because I have to put him away in the background and go full on into the somebodyness. I’ve let him fully back into my life and he’s teaching me liberation so I don’t pull this stunt again where I send him away. It’s actually a blast having him around. He’s very funny and playful plus we share interests. We laugh together at society. This morning, as we heard the government is fining people large amounts of money for gathering against their ‘orders,’ we declared, “The authoritarians among us have run amok.” My favourite libertarian site likes to remind its readers that, “War is the health of the state.” I think they should amend this to, “Pandemics are the health of the state.” The need to control others runs deep within the human because in childhood we were forced to bury the playful libertine spirit within us. This quest for control is the concept of the superego asserting itself. Control is the domain of the frightened and insecure. They kid themselves thinking they can control forces beyond their pay grade. In retaliation, the id within society will rebel and not conform to this re-working of social constructs designed to take more freedom away from the individual. Those who do not get in line will be called nasty names and labelled malcontents. In order to further progress along the path of knowledge, you must transcend cultural limits. There’s an out of bounds area that has a big red warning label stamped upon it. Ignore it and proceed.

 

Speaking of questioning concepts as I travel along this path, how about meditation? It’s a useful tool for the neurotic whose mind races, usually with anxiety about the future or ruminating on the past. By quieting the mind, we allow for peacefulness and give our self a rest and a reset. Just doing this for 15 minutes at a time, a few times a day, is very useful. It’s also a great method for getting you high, as in a state of higher consciousness. By quieting the judging aspect of the mind that causes separation, we enable a holistic viewpoint and intuit the oneness of everything. Because we are not engaging mental faculties, everything returns to being non-differentiated and we find unity. Why I have re-visited this is because humans are easily hypnotized and that includes self-hypnosis. When we get in the higher states we want to stay there. We will soon swear that the state of being high and embracing unity is the truth and the be all. I’m a big fan of Albert Einstein because he understood relativity like no one before him. It’s relatively true that we are all from the same source and are one. If you have no mental faculties that allow you to differentiate, it becomes undeniably true. However, we do have the awesome power of differentiation and from my perspective when my mind is active I objectify and for me the many becomes the relative truth. Unity truth is only true if the mind is not disturbed. It’s pretty fascinating to see how relativity is the fundamental underpinning to our perception of life, influences all behaviour, and shifts our conception of truth. Anyway, it struck me that if you want to get into your depths, the buried shadow, meditation probably isn’t the answer. It’s probably the opposite; you need a method that takes you past anxiety, depression, and the meanderings of the day. Instead of meditation I suggest dialoguing. Practice talking to your shadow a few times a day. In other words, talk to yourself. Along the same lines would be play. This would involve an activity that enthralled you as a child, whatever that may be.

 

There is a threat of psychedelics burying the shadow even deeper by going on the spiritual trip towards enlightenment. In my case, the darkness continually presented itself within ceremony, trying to get me to stop this path towards my beatitude that would further bury him. I can see now the hope was that I would eventually investigate this constant darkness. Being of the curious sort, I eventually decided to peer into the darkness after I completed the holy trip towards love and light. It’s all unravelling and it’s pretty awesome. The shadow did his best to get me to stop the trip towards enlightenment but because of my inner strength I ended up doubling down on my journey, fought back rather impressively, and went into full on renunciate stage with such success and resolve it tipped the tables in my favour and I completed the whole holy journey in record time! Once I chewed on that for a while, I turned my attention towards the inner darkness. I have found reconciliation and understanding plus a master teacher; this teacher imploring me that I have to become my own man; not a puppet controlled by others and culture. He has taught me that liberation is the greatest of all ideals, is worth fighting for, and giving up everything in order to obtain your freedom. As a teacher, it is why he threatened me with death, harassed me, chided me, and forced me to come to terms with who I am. Ultimately, I was taught to master the self and master my desires but don’t defeat them. The teaching is to not be a puppet or a slave to anyone. You can chase desires as long as you are free. Being free means no judgment, shame, hiding, or questioning of what lights you up. The final piece of rope holding you back he told me is identity. Cut that culture cord and you are free! Kill yourself in order to live.

 

The poetry I wrote about nine years ago in regards to what I was experiencing deep within my soul and psyche is a rather extraordinary and accurate encapsulation of this journey and where it has led me.

I knew of my dual nature, didn’t know what to do about it, and wanted to end the relationship. I’ve tried that and other attempts at psychological divorce until finally I realized that this other half of me wasn’t going anywhere. I stopped fighting him and he revealed himself as a master teacher, my best friend, and biggest booster. To get to this point has been a journey and a half.

 

He’s a wild man. He’s taught me courage. He wants us to have fun and adventures. He added to the bucket list yesterday - get in a fist fight on the street! Seriously. He is the jaguar and I’m his student. He gave me the name Otorongocito. I’m in the order of the jaguar and he’s the teacher. We now have a symbiotic relationship. I handle the outward appearance and make us respectable. I navigate us through culture and society. He teaches me to be a free spirit. I’m trying to convince him we can be free and not be homeless and a beggared. There’s a middle way! I like to sleep in a cozy and soft place. We can play the societal game and give them the middle finger at the same time while biding our time for when we get the go ahead that we can make our exit. Anyway, if you see me talking to myself and laughing, you now know why.

goddess ganesha and me

The universe is the dream of the fully realized union of the sacred feminine and sacred masculine. A dream is the reflection of one’s psyche, the reflection refracting into infinity and beyond. The child is that psyche and is the dream. The child is the universe. Our journey is to take us back home where the family reunites.

Dammit we are so philosophical as a species! How frustrating is this to the cosmic dreamer? Reflecting the psyche into their dream they created the universe. It's a giant simulation designed to come to terms with all their accumulated baggage. Instead of focusing solely on coming to terms with what troubles them, alas a great majority of the time is spent in contemplation of who we are and why are we here? How funny is that? We are so introspective we go straight for the ultimate question. I just wanted to figure out why am I such a dick with a predilection towards destruction and instead I'm left with existential questions about the fundamental underpinnings and purpose of life. I can't escape it and I have to know. Next massive dream I have to be clear to all that it is a dream, enjoy yourself, but please come to terms with hatred and strife and why can't I just love myself?

I had such an amazing dream the other night; well it was amazing in that it revealed something I had been curious about. So here is what happened: I fell asleep on the couch and woke up around 3 am. My dog wanted to go out so I let her out and left the door open enough so that when she wanted to come in she could just nudge the door open. While I waited for her, I fell back asleep on the couch and started dreaming. My dreaming led me to the climax of the dream where I stood by a door and there was a sudden announcement: “now the door is going to open.” I immediately woke up and on cue my dog came in from outside through the door. Fascinating. Utterly fascinating. I have suspected for a while that my subconscious is all knowing, transcends time, and takes over once I put the local body to sleep. This proved it beyond a shadow of a doubt as it was purposely revealed to me in this connection of the dream to reality. I have had situations in the past that hinted at this where the dream would awaken me just as my alarm was to go off by telling me that the alarm was going to go off. Similarly on multiple occasions during the waking hours I have had situations where complete strangers would know my name or comment on an internal struggle they had no knowledge of; this hinting at a connection that goes deeper than our conscious knowledge.

On June 15th I had quite the strange experience. I published a blog post where I ruminated upon my divinity and in conjunction with that I accepted the corollary where I am also the adversary. So I went to the washroom at work in the afternoon and as I entered into the location, on the speakers was playing the chorus to an INXS song called “Devil Inside.” These coincidences are more regular than to be expected. I laughed at what was going on however soon I started to wonder: The subconscious power that plans everything out, unbeknownst to us collectively, is once again showing itself to be tangible. These coincidences have to be common to all in order to pull this off. It is a hidden power that is behind all action, directing it in a way that keeps the story moving along. It’s very strange but this has happened enough over the course of my life that I can now with confidence at least suspect something is going on behind the scenes. My dreams and coincidences are suggesting that this universal subconscious knows I’m awake and on to it. I want to peg it as a masculine power because I’m also aware of the feminine Goddess power that I have been in contact with now for many years. My soul mate is love and also I describe her as Sophia  - the wisdom and understanding available if I ask or feed her knowledge. I’m currently figuring out the next steps. Do I want to use my connection to this power or is that a road fraught with too much risk? Is the power too much and I should just acknowledge it, use the clarity of knowing there is this power, and continue on my path towards what? What am I heading towards? I’ve never really defined that; instead I just sail onwards gathering up knowledge and experience which has led me to this point.

My plant medicine journeys have been at times a continual battle to peer into this darkness; the hidden subconscious that barricades the doors of perception. It works to deflect, scare you away, and sends you on a path of pure and holy righteousness to become enlightened just so you will stop seeking to peer into the darkness. I have wondered what is hidden down there? It’s omnipotence. It’s power. It’s the essence of our divinity. When I dream I become god. In life when you finally wake up and discover this is a dream, and there is a power that exerts control over the direction of the dream, then you are the Buddha. You are then awake within the dream. Life as you experience it becomes a lucid dream. I get now why we aren’t allowed access and are scared off and sent on a path towards faux ego enlightenment.

In my plant medicine journeys when I finally got past the stone blocks the darkness was inserting along my path on the road to becoming awake and embracing the jaguar of no fear and sublime courage, waiting to welcome and acknowledge me was the elephant headed one. I knew enough to realize it was Ganesha from the lore of the Indian subcontinent but I didn’t know much about him. After his appearance, the Goddess came to me in celebration as well. It was quite the night as I finally learned how to navigate the darkness. Up to that point I had been persistent yet frustrated by the constant fear and loathing of the experience. I really don’t know why I persisted and kept coming back to ceremony. I think it had to do with chasing the Goddess. There was always the chance I’d see her so inward I would return. Once I mastered the technique then I could sail on towards whatever siren song undertow pulled me towards knowing full well I could sail away and escape if need be. I have the confidence and am planning my next voyage into the darkness. I am starting to peer into and see some strange things in the dark, not in the least the power to control one's own destiny and depending upon perspective, the destiny of the world.

After first meeting Ganesha and returning home I noticed in my life how things were being moved out of my path both figuratively and literally. The funniest example was the walking path where I walk the dog. It had become overrun with fallen trees and debris. Curiously town workers showed up with wheelbarrows and chain saws and cleared the path. Maybe you don’t think that is out of the ordinary? Well the path is in the woods and no one else uses it. The following summer I had to evict a tenant from my basement and had a court date which was stressing me out. Ganesha came to me in a dream the night before the date and assured me it was all going to work out. Sure enough it did. I have been called even-steven because everything always works out for me. On my recent trip to the Amazon I had another peculiar meet up with Ganesha. There is this tribe that sells their artwork called the Shipibo that visits us at the sanctuary. There is a lot of Ayahuasca themed tapestries depicted with flowing energy in a style that is iconic to their tribe. I was perusing the collection they brought with them, not intending to purchase anything and low and behold I came across one of Ganesha! What the? I mean they are two oceans and the other side of the world away from India and the promulgation of Ganesha. Obviously it was a sign meant exclusively for me, so of course I had to have it.

I’m four months into my latest integration and all that I have mentioned about power and the subconscious is what I have been coming to terms with. I hung my tapestry at work and I often wear a pullover that has an image of Ganesha on the front. I finally added it up and realized the subconscious force that stirs the pot, that removes obstacles from the path and sometimes places them on it that I have discovered has as one of their names Ganesha. I’m sometimes slow on the uptake of seeing what has been staring me in the face. The masculine power I intuit is Ganesha. I’m adding it all up now. The Goddess, Ganesha, and me. I’m god, my co-actress is the goddess, and Ganesha is the reflection of the psyche into the universe who is directing this play. I'm the actor who now has the ear of the director.

So the unfathomable darkness of self, the area that is off-limits is where the director of the play hangs out, who is always creating obstacles or removing them in order to keep the play moving along and remaining interesting. I am the actor in this play and having fooled myself into thinking it is real also denied myself access to the underpinnings of the drama. The director controls the urges that makes us irrational and seek power or to collect items to own because of jealousy others may get them. We seek to win this game either through the pastime of collecting power and wealth, acquiring intellectual mastery and achieving recognition, and when all that is unfulfilling we turn to the spiritual climb. We never think to look at what drives all this behaviour? There must be a certain satisfaction on your deathbed that yes I played the game and beat it somehow! Does that give you currency to play again and give it another go? Put me in another ridiculous situation where I have to eat other beings to survive and see if I can win? Do you ever tire of winning? Is that our fatal conceit that instead of winning we have to elevate all through love but we are not predisposed to do that and we have to cast off the shackles of success and spread our common humanity and decency around the world. This is kind of funny in a way. I know of this power and the temptation is to rig the game, become successful, and live out my life of ease and then I’ll do it again because I know deep down whatever situation I get put in I will eventually figure it out and beat the game. Obviously I’ll increase the challenge in order to make it worthwhile but I know now I’ll always figure it out. I’m good at the puzzles. I stand on the precipice of laying my cards on the table. Sure it is going to be grand to bask in the knowledge of beating the game but what to do with the power? The maestro taught service and reciprocity; I of course never thought I’d get to a place where I could really make a difference but instead live a meagre life of influence, pissing words into the wind, and affecting the lives of maybe a handful. 

Was I finally ready to get the confirmation? It had become clear that nothing is working concerning throwing me off this path. I keep coming back and looking behind the curtain. When I first peered in about seven years ago with Ayahuasca, it was the most disturbing, creepy, and weird experience. I tried to run from it and was threatened with death if I ever looked again. I heard voices for days and worried about my sanity. Back home from this nightmare I had fits of unease, panic attacks, and then occurred over the duration of five consecutive nights a situation where I’d awake at the exact same time every night and have this feeling of fear and an encompassing darkness overwhelm me before I reached out to the Goddess to help me. I eventually returned to Peru and the plants and kept at it all the while wondering why I always would be greeted by this darkness? It’s because what I really wanted to find out was this mystery and plant medicines are both very good at revealing the inner self and the darkness we hide. The holy and righteous climb up the mountain was just a sideshow. We develop strategies to bypass the darkness so we can enter into the state of bliss. Deep down we know the darkness is still there. The subsequent use of Vilca was a good reminder of both polarities as I faced a struggle to reconcile the darkness in order to attain the light.

I had asked the question when I got back from Peru this year: Why do I keep looking? Just this week I wondered what am I hiding? It didn’t take long to get the answer. That seems to be part of the equation where I have to get to the point where I can formulate and ask the question. Then the answer is provided.

Of course the dream is the modality used to divulge the information I was seeking. I sit here now with confirmation of the divinity within, the accessible power, and the ability to know all and transcend our conception of time. Cool. I’m going to need a few days to sit with this one.