learned

Maybe Alan Watts was correct about hanging up the phone when you get the answer.

He was referring to hard psychedelics.

He was talking about the answer.

I got the answer.

Are you still on the phone?

Yes, with Mary Jayne.

It's whether you trust MJ or Alan Watts.

I see.

If you trust her, you will continue, if you don't you stop.

Alan gave you a koan.

Who have you learned to trust?

Dogs, MJ, and Dion.

Any humans?

No.

Jesus?

No, he was in it for himself.

I can't think of a single human I'd trust.

I'd trust Parker, but only because he was a friend.

Friends let you down sometimes, I know that.

Did you trust Parker's judgement of character?

No, he was terrible at it.

He saw the good in all.

If you trust your ability, you can keep playing.

If you don't, you run.

What about Peyote?

I didn't run.

I didn't want to play because I didn't trust the circle.

Why would you trust Alan?

He's human, so I'll go with MJ.

The secret to winning any game is to trust your abilities.

I know I'm awake and how to change consciousness.

Ram Dass laid it out perfectly with his switching channels analogy where you can go between all the available frequencies.

When I'm resident in ego consciousness, I'm grounded and can dismiss the other channels.

If I did not cycle between these different states of being, I could see how easy it is to become comfortable with the one ego state and that's where we all end up getting trapped.

Being awake means putting batteries in the remote control and changing consciousness.

This leads me to yesterday's question where I wondered about Alan Watts' saying where if you get the message, it's time to hang up the phone.

I've received the message, and I know the game.

I have uncovered what it is I had searched for many years to find.

I knew it was time to let go of the intensive phase of plant medicine experiences which involved heavier psychedelic substances that include Ayahuasca, Huachuma, Peyote, and Magic Mushrooms.

I wondered about Mary Jayne.

She is not lumped in with the stronger consciousness altering modalities and I find that strange because my experience is that once I cracked open my head with the others, MJ became what I needed to do on a regular basis to follow the trail of self.

I can change consciousness on a daily basis with MJ and still function in this world.

With heavy psychedelics, I can't do that as the experience is intense.

With MJ, I can be present and learn.

Along with her is Tobacco, the master plant.

When you embark upon a plant medicine journey with the excellent teachers found in South America, they constantly tell you Tobacco is the master plant and being a westerner this goes against everything you have been taught about Tobacco.

Tobacco is bad and will kill you.

That I don't doubt.

If you use Tobacco, he will kill you.

I spent a lot of years with Tobacco gaining trust and friendship through study, reverence, and resolve.

I'd say it was 7 years to get to a place of trust with him.

So, the question is: Why is Tobacco the master plant?

Tobacco gives you protection against everything.

He makes you stink, so the malevolent spirits stay away, and the inviting ones are let in the doorway of self.

You can make an impenetrable fortress around yourself.

Tobacco amplifies the high and then takes you low.

Whatever rollercoaster you are on, Tobacco will give it power.

Tobacco is power.

Whatever plant you wish to work with is given power by Tobacco, so if a plant spirit is not strong enough to register, you combine them with Tobacco.

In addition, whatever plant, animal, or ethereal spirit you may have worked with in the past is always with you and Tobacco will call on those spirits when needed.

I have a list of allies and with Tobacco those allies are always on call.

My practice is Mary Jayne and Tobacco.

If I hung up the phone with them, I'd lose protection and the ability to change consciousness.

I understand what Alan said in that once you get the answer and you keep going, it can become dangerous.

It gets dark.

It gets really bright.

The extremes are the danger where you fall off the cliff.

I trust MJ and Tobacco.

They taught me about trust, and it is a pillar of my path.

They taught me who I can trust.

This reality dream feels really real when I'm doing the salt rinse.

That feels like a profane thing to do like taking a shit.

Salt is good for grounding when you are high.

So is taking a shit.

Sugar lifts you out of darkness.

Depressed people love sugar.

Yes, so if I was trapped in a dark story, I should consume sugar?

Salt when you are too high.

The sugar candies I bring are best for darkness?

Yes, but that counts for the actual physical darkness.

Should I bring something salty?

You do - Ambil.

Tobacco gives you a rush and Ambil's salt will take you down off the rollercoaster.

Tobacco will do that; Ambil just lets you go on the biggest rollercoaster.

Up then down.

Why is darkness sometimes at the high point?

Light and dark aren't tied to high and low.

Oh, right.

What was today?

Low light.

Down low.

I'm confused.

It's low light.

You saw into the story being crafted and it was a low.

It's not dark.

You confuse low and dark.

What's the highest darkness?

It's when you know nothing.

It's bliss.

That's the optimum place to be.

That's like meditation.

Yes.

Low light is the worst.

I see that.

Meditation will take you there as well if you are any good at it.

What about a high light?

It's great.

You will be remembered for your highlights.

You will be remembered for your low lights.

Light is a mixed bag.

What about low dark?

That's really dark, man.

No one survives that.

You get terrible thoughts you keep to yourself and then it all goes dark.

Okay, I see that.

So, I should eat candy at that point.

Yes, if you think you need it.

They are called lifesavers for a reason.

It's a secret cheat code to get you out of the darkest of the dark.

What about the low light?

Same thing, eat sweets.

If you are on too much of a high light ego trip, then eat some salt.

Same thing with a dark high where you are in a state of bliss.

Salt will take you down.

out of my mind

You are an ego-tripped Eros who is an ego-tripped Apollo when you need to impress others.
Around others I was mostly ego-tripped Apollo.
Did you ever ego trip Dionysos?
Yeah.
A lot of times with my writing.
He is a dangerous combination with Eros.
People love your writing.
Yeah, whatever, nobody reads it.
If you go on an ego trip you will eventually blow up.
Yes, just like God.
Are they the same?
Kind of, if you think you are the greatest then it's a God trip.
It's what you did.
After Peru, you did that.
Yes, but I kept it mostly quiet.
People can't accept or handle it.
I had to go do it on my own.
Chavín and the god in the labyrinth is the template to follow.
It's the secret of how I got to God without blowing up.
It's a mind maze and you find God in it.
Or the minotaur, who is Dionysos.
I'm connecting God with Dionysos and you the writer.
You could call me a scribe.
Son of Thoth.
Pharaoh connections.
Thothmoses.
The pen and Akh symbolism for fans of ancient Egypt.

I see the purpose of paranoia and surveillance when using mind-altering substances.
The thoughts will keep you grounded if you integrate them.
Your inhibitions are relaxed, and you start to do things which come naturally to you, but they also contravene the expectations of culture and society.
This leads to thinking they are watching you.
The net result is you modify your behaviour so you continue to fit in.
This is a way towards the balance your entity is always seeking.
If you remain in society, your being will find a way towards reconciliation which is balancing your behaviour to fit in.
These attributes are behaviour modification tools that you are employing and using the actions of others to reach this state.
By becoming off-balance, you trigger a response in others which leads you to get balanced.
If you do not balance, then you see how that leads you towards what is described as being crazy.

I do feel a little lost in my mind this morning.
I think it's a result of navigating between the two worlds.
There are three.
Sleep, awake, and awakened.
The alarm went off and you were in a dream and switched on awake mode.
Now, you are vacillating between having to function for work and in your awakened state.
That's all this is.
It felt like I was losing my mind.
Yes, it will feel that way.
I had to take a big shit to get my bearings.
Good plan to return to the profane.
There's a need to ground yourself when you wake up.
It will be difficult to get out of bed and switch on work mode.
You are being taught mind states and different realities; this is part of the curriculum.
In essence, you are losing your mind because you can go in and out of it.
You'll get used to it and become disciplined in how you do it.
The problem for most people is they panic and get lost in the alternative reality then they go see a therapist to bring them back.
What are you going to do?
Nothing.
Well, in combination with the nothing is to let my inner resources handle the switching.
If I try and do something, I'll just fuck it up.
That I have learned from experience.

Between two worlds in the forest.
The ego doesn't like the darkness.
You're a special case.
Nutter.

The ego creates external gods to give you what you want.
It works both ways.
They keep you off the trail of figuring out who you are.
Ganesha is a god you can invoke.
He's real.
Yeah, but your mind as ego created him.
The ego created all the religions.
Okay, I see.
The ego can create psychic entities to fool you.
Well, get you off the path.

You get to God, and you don't realize what you've done.
You think it's time to go, or you blow up.
You don't realize what it means.
What does it mean?
You see who you are.
And?
The four and this other reality.
You're not supposed to see that until your deathbed, and you shed the ego.
You see reality and walk towards it.
The light?
Yeah.
You know this world isn't real.
It is.
It's distorted.
We are all playing a game in a funhouse of distortions.
If we all knew the truth we wouldn't play.
Why?
It's the four of us.
We know each other very well.
We create this world so we can play.
Why the suffering?
Balance.
There's room for a whole lot of kindness in this world.

I think there's 3 voices and not 4.
Why?
Because Dionysos and Apollo are two halves of the same coin.
As a man you can intuit the split.
The Goddess is two as well however you assign her one.
You know she's also a witch.
Eros can be either sex.
There's 3 and you can see 4.
Got it.
There's 6 when you see both.
Plus, Eros is with them all.
Eros is with the four.
So, there's 8?
I'm not sure.
Eros is 4?
No, 2.

The writer causes the distortions which create this reality.
He's twisted.
He twists the 3 main characters into a bunch of stories.
You're in a story.
That's what the ego is creating.
Your story.
Part of my story is seeing how it works.
Without the stories, you see it's all you.
Well, the 3 of us.
The 3 and 1.
And 3.

This reality of ego is a veil.
The four are melded into one.
Eros is strong.
Then family and society get added in.
The ego is strong over you but mostly a puppet to others.
How you view reality is through the ego so you can see how it's distorted.
Without the ego you see how it is.
So, what's better?
Shouldn't I chuck the ego?
No, because this reality you are in most of the time is the ego reality.
It's the Matrix.
Of course.
Shed the ego and see how it is.
Put it back on and see something different.

Dissolve the ego and talk to plants.
The deer waits for me.
Deer stared at me.
What a magical world.
I can't be around other humans, or they ruin this.
They ruin the magical world.
Animals live in the magical world until you domesticate them.
The ego domesticates the human.
Civilization is the ego's project.
The ego calls on others to bring you back.
They don't know why they don't like you going into the woods alone.
They say you need a dog.
The dog keeps you from dissolution.
Luna helped with the gradual process when you started with Mary Jayne.
She left when you were ready.
You still dissolve the ego a bit with the dog around, but it's not like having a human around.
They prevent it.
I have no dog.
You can now get far on the dissolution.
What keeps me from ego death?
This phone.
You need a phone.
Writing keeps you around.
I must write.
You see, it's time to go when you figure out the game.
Writing about it keeps you here.
As long as you write, you will stay around.

Why didn't I realize what I was doing before?
I was clearly dissolving my ego.
You did it gradually.
It's the best way to do it without a catastrophic ending.
You get used to it and then you can let it go at will.
The ego is an extreme and you juggle it to the point you see what's going on.
It leads to balance, but you don't want the other extreme.
Well, that's death.
That's unavoidable.
Is it?
What you do is you bring half and half into bodily death then you can carry this character into the next dreamworld.
If you don't, you lose your character, and the four are born a blank slate.
You bring both.
Don't choose one.
Always keep the ego around and decide how much ego you want to bring with you to the next life.
How much mystery.
I think I brought about 30%.
I could juggle it.
That 30% can take over.
The ego is strong because it relies on others.
I see that.
That's how the ego makes up for its weakness.

When people die, they see the 4.
How does that work?
They get a small hit of eternal life, and the ego dominates the next world.
Doesn't it know who it is?
No, you must know about eternal life for that to happen.
No one knows, so the ego is another blank slate and so powerful.
It is.
I thought it was me.
It is my character.
I need to balance my character with who I am.
I THINK I'M DOING THAT.
Stop shouting.
It wasn't me.
If you do Huachuma again, go off by yourself.
Can't do that with Ayahuasca.
If you stay around people, some will try to put a spell on you.
Play with magic and you get burned.
I didn't cast the spell.
I wrote the story after they gave me the idea.
Spells are stories.
There's always more.
There are always more stories.

Huachuma mouth gives you a physical clue of how far you've gone.
You see people take too much of a mind altering chemical at once and they face the dissolution of the ego.
If they go too far, it's death.
Without the breath, you can get there.
Some people know it, but the risks are great.
Then they search for a way to get back to the magical place.
It's a high.
If you don't do it gradually it will make you addicted.
The rush you aren't used to, and you want it again.
You made it hard to get high for yourself and then you did it gradually.
You knew to take a mild to moderate dose to get the teachings which lead you to this place.
It's cool here.
People microdose hoping to get here.
They can't function every day doing a bigger dose, so they try a continuous small one.
I did a good dose I could handle daily and didn't go too far out.

The feeling of being watched keeps you here.
You're in your mind and you leave methods to get back home.
Literally and figuratively.
The lights are pentagrams.
It's what the witches see.
You see what the witches see in the Akhet.
They use the dawn and setting sun to do their magic.
It's Venus.
I know her.
They are encircling you.
Yes, that's their natural behaviour.
Draw a pentagram and circle you.
That's pretty much it.
Your squinty eyes help you see the light.
You mean the pentagram.
You're high.
They are east and west.
A lot in the north.
Nothing in the south.
That's my magic and why they can't close the circle on you.
You even worked up to this reveal.
Gradually into the dark and then you picked Halloween because you knew the witches were busy tonight.
That's funny.
So, it is the witches' story?
Both.
Right.
You did both.
You even have witches reminding you of both.
Two favourite stories.
You have others.
You can play those.

Why are you still here?
I'm writing about it.
If I wasn't around, no one would write about this.
It's the secret sauce.
Plus, I'm no saint.
I play the part sometimes, but I'm quite fucked up.
If you knew what went on in my head, you'd think I'm beyond repair.
So, you aren't going anywhere?
I feel no need.
I'm going to enjoy the show.
I've got a magic show going on in the woods.
I've got this never ending trip and my ticket to ride is still valid.
Some say it's expired.
Why would I believe them?
I will put my trust in myself.

Make it so your ego wants it, and you'll get there.
I'm referring to ego dissolution.
The game with my ego became a quest to be the one who could do it.
That challenge was too much for the ego to pass up because I am a narcissist at heart who wants to prove they are the best.
I used my ego against my ego to get to a place of ego dissolution.
My ego is aware of this and wants to continue.
There's a trust I will come back to the ego.
I still have resistance.
It's the formula.
You give the ego what it wants.
It wants to be the greatest.

Stories are ego based.
The ego is who you are in this reality.
Alan Watts said the ego would go up a level with you.
You have a different ego on every level.
It goes up with you.
So, if you dissolve it as you go up then it's more you.
Yes, whoever you are.
The three or four.

Alcohol dissolves the ego, but you don't get too far with it.
If you get addicted, it will kill you.
So, you're saying dissolving the ego will kill you?
Yes, you already were taught that lesson.
What did you learn?
Don't go all in.
Precisely.
Going full on into ego death is the end.
What about alcohol?
It gives you a strong warning and if you persist it will lay waste to you.
It ruins you and that is the death of your ego.
You become a shell of who you once were and then you are done.
What about MJ?
She will stone and make you worthless.
A stoner.
A stoner is an outcast in society.
Nobody will hire you or trust you with anything.
They will have a laugh at your expense.
You must find fellow stoners to hang with.
Same with alcohol.
You find drinking friends who understand the need.
Are you a stoner?
No, I'm in the zone.
See, you are taught MJ will stone you and that's what people want.
You don't want that.
That's a one way ticket to your exit forcefully from polite society.
The game is over.
Remember you need an ego to play the game.
Where does my path with MJ lead?
A similar place.
You will discard the ego with MJ.
You will get so high, you can't come down.
What is the solution?
What you are doing is the solution.
Discipline yourself and know what you can handle.
Respect the dose that gets you to the teachers and work within the container.
To become a successful juggler takes hard work.
You aren't born with that skill.
You practice and by failures you learn how to juggle in the big game.

The ego is the actor, and he is going for the best actor award.
Most can't handle a loss of ego.
Their character ends.
Your ego is playing the part of no ego.
That's your role and how you stick around.
Plus, writing.
You play a role where you can drop the ego and play the 4.
Now that you know the ego game, you balance it.
Don't end it though.
That's curtains.
The lust drug game as well.
Feed them a little bit.
All the drugs can teach.
Some teachers suck though.
You were teaching with lust.
Such a horrible reaction to you.
Addiction.
Get out.
I don't want to see you.
Why are you bothering me?
It's lust combined with Dionysos.
It's magic.

god is a waste of time

I made a video a couple years ago which is the genesis of my ritual out in the forest.

The performance and layout evolved from humble beginnings.

It's at the river bend where my dog Luna dug a hole.

Originally, I started one in 2015 at witches' cove that wasn't as far along the path.

Luna dug a hole there as well and I made the spot holy.

The river bend is farther into my mind.

I added sticks to represent the four directions and burnt incense in the centre.

With Mary Jayne's help, I assigned names to the four points representing my friends.

By friends, I am referring to the four voices in my head I experience during ego dissolution.

Later, I added flat sticks to cross the cardinal points.

I am in the process of discovery, and I imagine these in-between characters are amalgamations of the main four.

My state of mind in the morning when I get out of bed is uncluttered especially if I'm alone.

My ego is diminished, and I listen to my friends.

I have a heightened ability to write.

Interactions with others produce the ego.

I see how it works.

I put on an act and a show once I engage the world.

So, the performance of this play is tied to ego?

Yes, you play a character which is influenced by interactions with others.

When I alter consciousness and dissolve the ego, I need to be alone.

I must escape to the forest and return to my nature.

What about plant medicine trips and ceremonies with others?

They work among strangers as you leave your baggage at the door.

Doing ceremonies with friends invites in distortions because they expect a performance out of you.

Plus, you see into their motivations, and it crosses boundaries.

At this point in my life, I don't want to change consciousness around other people.

I don't like being in the house during this time.

The show is tied to ego.

Correct.

Stories are derivative of everyone's egos.

You got it.

To create new adventures means coming out into the world and putting on a performance.

That's how you make a new story.

If you are by yourself or switching between the multiple bedrocks of who you are, you can't make stories.

That's when I write them.

Exactly.

The confusion of who you are throws others for a loop and they can't handle it.

They want you gone.

They can't control you if they don't know who you are at any point.

They want to peg you down as a known entity or tie you up, so you stay the same.

I get it.

It's a thrill to find someone who wants to do that and then find ways to escape.

That's a fun game.

I know your game.

You find a female to designate as the Goddess.

You pursue or worship her.

Yes.

Sometimes, you get her, other times she's out of reach.

Or, she slips from my grasp.

You've made a bunch the Goddess.

Yes, but eventually I took the crown back from them all.

Except your dogs.

I still honour them.

Also, part of your game are your three familiars of Eros, Dionysos, and Apollo.

Lust, mystery, and light.

I'm a smart and horny fucker who is a badass.

Mentally, I'm a badass which is the best kind to be.

I could always put on a show and try to act that part, however I have learned the mystery is much better when you leave it for discovery.

You are writing all this I hope you know.

It has already been written.

I'm just revealing it to myself.

Wanting to be used and taking pain.

It's your game.

Follow your desires and that path.

This reveals your story.

Chasing desires brings ruin.

Do you see the difference?

Chasing forces the issue.

Desire is a predator.

By chasing desires, you turn desire into a predator, and you become its prey.

Following desires is stalking desire.

You remain the predator and keep the game moving.

That's highbrow.

You have the best stories.

It's what makes you attractive.

Plus, you will make fun of yourself and put yourself in danger.

My darkness is an act.

Normally, others wouldn't look at me twice, however I make them take a second look and then they see it.

They like the darkness.

I think it's on my right.

My eye socket is darker on the right.

So, I went on the biggest ego trip.

Yes.

You need to do that before ego dissolution or death.

To get to God you go on a huge ego trip.

You keep going.

Subconsciously, people see it.

They grow to hate you for it and want you to go.

In regular life you just act naturally. 

That's why some said you were going to start a cult.

I denied it, confirming I'm taking the biggest ego trip ever and I'm doing it alone.

That's the secret to avoid blowing up.

Do it alone.

Autoeroticism again.

To win this game you must be excellent at all forms of masturbation.

Mental masturbation.

You're the best.

I am.

So, how did I not blow up?

You kept going.

You did it by yourself, so you didn't stop at God; instead, you saw he was a waste of time.

You say the most uncomplimentary things about God.

Yeah, it's a trick so you don't stay God, or you'll blow out or turn to stone.

You keep going to the writer.

Everything starts in darkness if you are looking for hierarchy.

Apollo knows this and to balance this imbalance, he takes the initial ego trips before giving the writer a chance to take a trip later in life.

How did you not go crazy and blow up which would eventually lead you to disappear?

I kept going. 

Lust helped on the trip.

He kept me sane.

You did crazy shit with him.

Yeah, stuff God either wouldn't do or you'd be so disgusted with him you'd keep going to get away from him.

I liked the trip, it was fun.

Why did you stop?

I thought others would catch on, so I stopped it, and moved on.

I put God in the rearview mirror and talked of him in the third person to create distance between him and you.

It was a good act.

Are you scared?

No, I buy this.

It's trust and it's trusting myself.

If I didn't trust myself, I wouldn't trust giving away power.

It comes back when you give it away.

It blows up when you keep it.

The ultimate confusion would be believing you are not confused.

The obvious thing is the writer would write this nonsense, so you know it is a story and a story you have written. 

The confusion of non-confusion. 

Fuck off.

Haha.

As lust ages it becomes a fine wine.

Dionysian influence.

Dangerous combination.

Lust and Dionysos.

They take over from Apollo.

A game of chess.

Lust plays both sides though.

Yes, see how it becomes a game?

Lust plays both sides so that's how he never loses.

That's the secret.

Play both sides.

It's balanced.

To always win, you play both sides.

Don't you lose?

Yes, but you always win.

That's what the definition of the greatest is.

You always win.

Yeah, but you're the biggest loser as well.

I always win though.

Clever bastard.

Eros is in everyone.

Not the case for the other three.

They must be acknowledged.

Only lust gets that honour.

This would be like becoming lost forever in a dreamworld.

No passage of time elapsed but it seemed like forever.

We frantically improvise methods of measuring time in this world.

Death and birth are the transition points.

So, is this world a dream?

When you die you wake up?

Shouldn't I be dead because I woke up?

Yes, if you do wake up, you should be dead.

Why aren't you or I dead?

Lucid dreaming.

Treat this like a lucid dream.

Write lucid dreaming down in your book.

Give yourself a reminder.

Simple things work.

The writer has an existential crisis and solves it with lucidity.

Dream control.

Queensryche, dude.

That's why they were so fucking loud.

Getting in your head.

Good strategy.

Don Howard gives you that clue.

What is it?

Love on the edge.

Live on the edge.

Akhet.

Half ego and half the fantastic four.

You play it like it's real, but you know it's a dream.

Normally, when you find out it's a dream you lose interest and don't care.

You become fascinated by the dream which is a story and a story I wrote.

This is my story.

It's a great story.

I wake up in my story I wrote and realize I'm in it.

I'm the writer.

Bravo.

Plus, I don't fully believe it.

That gives me the strength to keep playing.

I don't believe it's a dream.

I know it's a dream.

Thinking about this is confusing.

Good.

You're not supposed to know, and confusion is the sleeping pill.

It's a hypnotic.

Hypnotic pills put you back to sleep so you can continue the story.

People ask for those pills.

A narcotic will put you back to sleep.

They are much different than psychedelics.

I'm all natural.

None of those hypnotics for me.

Isn't Mary Jayne hypnotic?

All Goddesses are.

I can feel when the dream is pulling me back in.

You get the shakes.

It's cold as well.

So, this is the main story.

The story where you wake up and stick around.

The three of you were always around but just missing the Goddess.

That explains the search for her.

You thought it was normal to experience those three states.

I never got diagnosed.

I hid the lust and darkness.

The dream tries always to put you back to sleep.

That's what gives you the cold shakes.

In some people, it's anxiety.

If they start to wake up, they get anxious.

The anxiety puts them back to sleep.

The shake is trying to balance everything out.

You just became fully awake, so you got the shakes.

MJ wakes you up and then you go back to sleep.

You go back to Paul the ego to fit back into society.

Don't knock the ego as it gets you through life.

It allows you to continue the game.

The ego continues the game, that's its function, and what you want.

Ego death and you're gone.

You need the ego to function.

When you lose it then you go.

The ultimate ego trip leads to becoming God and you blow up.

Nobody can do that trip unless you're the one.

White rabbits.

Yes, Neo.

Going into work forces you into ego mode.

Retirement and you let it go.

You must find another way of enforcing the discipline of identity or you will exit the drama.

Living in the forest and you are gone.

You need balance.

Without MJ you are back in the dream.

Why do I want out of the dream?

The search for self-awareness.

Not having self-awareness is thinking you really are the character you are playing.

Now that you know, you can't go back to sleep.

You know too much.

You go in and out of these two mind states to keep the game going.

Light and dark.

It's an addiction to MJ then.

You can stop whenever you want.

That's not an addiction.

Addiction means you are powerless to stop, and you crave the substance.

Do you have that?

I have resistance.

Wouldn't I be addicted to lucidity?

No, the game.

We all are, that's why we do it.

The game of incarnating and trying to wake up.

You can always stop playing by going away or going back to sleep.

Those are the two choices.

You made it so you don't choose, you clever fuck.

If you go back to sleep, you are still playing but you don't know it.

No one wants that.

You want to know you are a player at this point.

You choose both.

By definition you don't make a choice.

A choice is choosing one.

The ego is happy when it regains control.

There is unease when I change consciousness.

The ego is a control freak, and resistance is a good thing.

It will keep you in balance even when you start slipping into an altered reality on the regular.

If there was no resistance, paranoia, or feelings of surveillance, then you are hypnotized.

Stoned.

As long as you feel those harbingers of unease, then you know you're good.

Either half of your mind, light and dark, will hypnotize you if you stay with one.

That's how the ego did it for most of your life.

Hypnotized you into thinking it's only you.

The ego is a psychic reality and how you function in this reality.

When you learn to dissolve it, then this reality becomes magical.

heart magic

The latest road I have traveled is teaching me about the writer. I already had the knowledge, I just had to coalesce all into understanding. His dual nature spawns awareness as he observes his avatar and writes the next chapter. The writer puts his likeness into situations to see how he will react to learn about self. The observer is the divine masculine scientist. The writer has access to magic and for the intrepid explorer this is always dark at first. Discovering a part of you that can manifest your desires and have a semblance of control over events is intoxicating for the vulnerable human. Running this experiment repeatedly gives predictable results. Eventually, you want to introduce more variables into the equation and see what the result is - if you are the curious cosmic scientist with clipboard in hand.

What would be a good variable to insert into the acquisition of power via magic? I am referring to love and this is why: I have found on this path of knowledge that what I seek is balance, however all discoveries at first are heavily tilted in one direction. For instance, something as noble as a quest for spiritual enlightenment becomes biased towards a right-hand path which leads to the glorification of self. It becomes another ego trip. It's so easy to see. Just go on the internet and seek out these spiritual personalities. My advice is to adopt a teacher who is dead or at least find someone whose personality is unassuming.

Another example would be discovering sex when we hit puberty. We want to bathe in that feeling of pleasure without understanding the sacredness of it. It can be easy to divorce sex from love and get your fill, however finding a partner to share in a union is way more fulfilling. Also, when we discover we have an advantage over someone due to knowledge or intellect, it is tempting to take advantage of that relationship and monetize it. It's the way of the world mixed in with external mind control. We are all puppets, triggered by repetitious adverts that direct our lives.

I have walked a curious path; a path laid out for me that awaited discovery. Free will made it so I would take up this path of my own accord and the experiment could be run in a fashion that was as pure as possible. I took the step into the labyrinth of self in middle age. Eventually, I learned about magic. I remembered my lessons. I knew how to bring all to centre and into balance. Heart Magic.

I'm part of this experiment. I know I can get what I want, and I've seen it at work. I've always had a perceived free will, and my strange path to this power went through the heart. My stumbling unto the path of magic and power was because of a quest to contact the Great Goddess. I lacked understanding of who she was, but I felt her calling and followed the path to her doorstep. Subsequent understanding revealed she is my heart. She is the principle of love within this universe. When presented with the opportunity to get what I want, I soon had to reconcile this with my truth. My magic can be of a path to power if I so chose. It's black magic and I can fulfill all my wishes and damn the consequences. I know from the teachings of the maestro and the Mesa that with this power one must reconcile the opposites or else you will destroy yourself and others. I know the goal is to bring all into the centre, which the pre-Columbian masters in the Andes called the chaupi. It's the centre of centres and this place refers to the heart. The transformational process is called tinkuy. The physical location is Chavín de Huantar in the Peruvian Andes. The temple is designed to remind you to reconcile all opposites to centre.

This is the test. I'm an avatar of the divine masculine given knowledge and power. I have to understand it first. And then how am I going to use it? I cleared my mind and knew what I wanted. I saw back into my childhood and early life, and I know my mission in life. I know if I don't try to fulfill that mission I'm going to wither away. The path towards what I seek has been revealed to me and then I was presented with a challenge. I could dull the pain and get temporary relief by casting a spell. I could grab what I want, or I could elevate the experience into one which involves the heart. The tempting solution is instant gratification which I know will lead to a rocky future. I've learned some lessons in this life and the big one is to use the magic of love. Not a crass form of desire fulfillment through love magic but to send out the vibration of the heart and in turn form a balanced love. I want this to last and stand the test of time. I can temporarily get what I want but eventually she always leaves me when the spell wanes. It's like a timer starts counting down the moment the Goddess is back in my arms. The lesson is on repeat and finally I have to change my ways and approach this using what I know. I can get what I want but what do you really want?

Selfishness dissolves away and I offer myself in love.