the tao of suicide

If you could go into the darkness, the best way to enter is by being naive.
You tell everyone you're going into the darkness.
They question whether you really want to go into the darkness.
They say, oh that's not dark.
You keep going and hit the darkest bottom.
Now, you can tell people about it.
How you faced that question, and you kept going.
Warrior.
You can't go full on into the darkness without facing that question.
That's why people will avoid the darkness.
It will lead you to that question.
It will come after you physically and mentally.
You must be strong.
If you can laugh at that question, then you've got this.
It came at you in depression.
It came at you in a twist.
It was trying to make suicide a logical action.
You got past it by remembering Tao.
You told people you were going into the dark.
You were just too ignorant to realize what you were doing and then you just went into it.
I did set an intention to go into the dark.
I didn't know what I'd find.
I have enough fetishes that don't make sense that when I saw other dark ideas that don't make sense, I was able to examine them.
I did the same thing with magic.
I told people I was going to find magic.
I was too stupid to realize what it was and where to find it.
I just blindly wandered around trying to figure it out.
Eventually, I stumbled on it.
What is magic?
The easy explanation is that in the conscious world it's a set of actions used to produce a desired result.
This could be a ritual, craft, or it could be mental actions.
If you're patient, kind, and understanding, you're performing magic.
Those traits will get you what you want.
You must let them go to work.
It's slow-acting whereas fear is fast-acting magic.
There are the actions I do subconsciously that I don't know about which get me what I want.
I'm starting to understand them more.
Yes, so those stupid rituals you do are in response to knowing there's magic in you.
You don't see that magic in you, but you know it exists, and you use rituals to tease it out in order to give you understanding.
Those synchronicities and coincidences?
The "I don't know how the fuck that happened" events.
Exactly, and they always do.
The story also goes in the direction you want it to go.
So be honest about what you want, and you might see where the stories are heading.
When you interfere with the story, you'll change it.
You must let the story unfold.
That's hard to do.
That's why you need patience.
Patience is magic and that magic will enable the other magic.
Patience, kindness, understanding, and spirituality.
You cashed them in for pleasure.
I got my reward by putting it into balance.
You got your outcome.
I didn't force it until the odds were in my favour.
Then I cashed in until the money ran out.
I had no more currency left so I had to leave.

Are you going to play the same game again?
The world is like one big casino.
Casinos are about making choices and gambling.
That's what you're doing.
Casinos are stacked against you.
Life is stacked against you.
It sure seems that way.
Casinos would teach you the odds are not in your favour, so eventually you're going to lose it all, so you don't play their games.
If life wasn't worth playing you would have stopped playing.
It would have been like a casino.
What are my odds?
You're a fuck up.
You woke up.
You know about magic.
The odds are good right now.
Would you want to quit this game?
No, I now have the advantage.
Are you going to take advantage of that advantage?
No, I'll let it play out because I know that I'll win.
Most people play "The Game of Life" at a disadvantage.
You're going to lose.
A small minority are big winners.
The majority of people try to figure out the middle.
Then there's just the losers.
You must wake up in the system now.
The cards are in your favour, you'll see.
You know chess teaches you that you'll find the answer before you capitulate.
Checkmate will inform you there's no way out.
Then the game ends before you do something stupid.
That's pretty clever.
A stalemate is like dying of old age where you don't find the answer, but you won't put yourself in danger to find the answer.
Checkmate is you found the answer.
There's no way out of your predicament.
What's my predicament?
I think it's the question of are you going to die?
It seems obvious.
I don't know why that's the big question to which you're looking for an answer.
You've already been shown the answer, do both.
There's no way out.
You found the answer and it's to do both.
That is correct.
You will die, you'll lose your body, and carry on in spirit.
That's the answer.
There's no way out.
Checkmate.
That's what chess is teaching you.
Seems strange.
What if you're the winner in a chess game?
What is that teaching you?
It teaches you that you've played the game a lot and you know how to win.
You go around telling other people the meaning of life and putting them into check.
I imagine it has something to do with going to God, getting there, and realizing the meaning of life, and then telling everyone about it.
I can't keep my big mouth shut about stuff if I want to win at chess.
Am I like an evangelist preacher?
No, you can just tell people.
Tell them about the meaning of life and nonsense.
There's no way out, chess, casinos, and porn plus the guy in the corner playing dominoes.
I'm not sure it's a guy.
Whatever.
Nobody will believe me.
Eventually, they'll see it.
Then you win that game too.
Be true to yourself and what everything means.
The more you stick with the topic, the more you learn.
Yes, so if you aren't afraid to go into the dark and deal with death and suicide then you can keep going.
Then it freaks you out and you decide to keep going.
You get past it and then you learn more about it.

Your magic is powerful at night.
You don't know about it.
They all know about it.
I do the ritual thing.
They think you know about it and what you're doing.
You transform and you head off.
People aren't sure about it.
They're trying to figure out if it's you doing it.
When they're with you, they can't see him.
They keep noticing him and realize it's you.
They tell you to leave or they leave.
It's the magic you don't know about that's shaping your story.
The flow is that magic from a place you don't know about that is working to manifest your story.
They work under the cover of darkness to get you what you want.
So, to get what you want is to use that magic darkness.
You could make an argument that the flow is a tool of the Devil.
The Devil is teaching that in order to fulfill your desires, do nothing, and he'll take care of it.
That's pretty clever.
A day of cloven hooves and sudden wind.
You should fear this.
You can see how in the game the way to get everything you want is to do nothing and put your trust in the Devil.
That would explain desire fulfillment.
You've written into this story that in order to win, you must trust the Devil.
Complete trust will get you exactly what you want.
I guess I should be careful with what I want since I know how the game works.
I know the best thing to do is to not tell the Devil what I want because if I tell him what I want then I make a choice.
Yeah, everything's just implied.
You use feelings to convey what you want but don't tell anyone.
Life is complicated and confusing if you want to win.
There's no way you get this far.
You can't get to a place where you win the game.
Trust the Devil to take you there.
What kind of weird game is that?
It's one I would write.
I know that.
Just to be different.
Yeah, different and clever.
You're past the first stage right here.
The stage of fear.
Now, it's just self-knowledge that I'm a twisted writer and this is something I would write.
For everybody else, it would scare the shit out of them.
Yes, God is one of a kind.

Today was fun.
I brought the darkness out and made it fun.
I didn't take it seriously.
This is what I wanted to work on today.

I still have a lot of work to do with this Mesa out in the woods.
I still get confused.
That's a good thing.
It will motivate you to keep learning.
If you stop learning, it's because you're disinterested, or you know everything.
The natural pull is towards laziness.
Tao is teaching mental and physical laziness.
Wu wei.
Imagine how that would conflict with everyone's teachings?
They all teach you to do something to go to God.
Tao teaches you to do nothing.
This is the Devil's religion.
You can title your book "The Devil's Religion" and then explain how Tao works.
Would that sell?
The provocativeness of it might get a few people to buy it.
I could write about the meaning of life and discovering all that and how it leads to nonsense and doing nothing.
You have all the information, so you do something and write a book.
You got me there.
I will take all the information and organize it.
I must because if I did not there's all these chaotic thoughts that are coming out of my head and I'm jotting them down as I go.
Eventually, I must compile and edit them.
I must bring them into reality.
Isn't that what they say about psychedelic trips where you bring the ineffable into the effable?
You eff them.
Parker had it right.
I brought the Goddess into this world and then I fucked her.
She was ineffable and I effed her.
Yes, you're a spiritual master.
Everyone can see it.
We all bow down to you even though you eventually fucked it all up.
I am a spiritual master who is a fuck up.
You are in balance.
Tao.
To be a spiritual master, you have to be a fuck up.
Of course you've found the Goddess, brought her into this world, fucked her, and then lost her.
There's a chapter right there.

There's no right or wrong answer, you just acknowledge.
Acknowledgment of the problem without picking a side.
I was taught that yesterday by a comedian.
They tried to trap him into picking a side and he wouldn't do it.
Are things complicated or easy?
If you use a timeline, it's easy to go back to a predetermined length and then assign blame.
It's dishonest because you must go all the way back to the beginning of time and blame the people at the start of the timeline.
They're the ones that started it and fucked it all up.
If you go past the start you get to the writer.
This is his story.
It's about stories within stories.
The original story doesn't mean anything.
How the fuck would any story after that mean anything?
Everything has no meaning.
To balance everything what I do is explain the meaning is no meaning.
The writer said that he gets the words for his story from the Goddess.
Even though he writes the story, it's her words.
The blame must go to her.
The word is Eros, she just has Eros in her possession.
I organize your lust, which you give me, into a story.
The first order of blame for this world is Eros.
The second order of blame is the Goddess and as the writer, I'm the least culpable person to blame.
I'm just pointing this out.
I know Eros is going to win but I just want this on the record.
I get the least amount of blame.
I get recognized as a saint because I get the least amount of blame.
Would you rather win the game by being the favourite of the audience or do you want to be recognized as a saint?
Wouldn't you want to be the Goddess?
She's balanced.
She took a little blame and a little credit.
What do you get credit for?
I wasn't the worst.
Eros was the most shameful.
That is true.
He wins but lust is the most shameful.
I'll be the biggest loser, but I won't feel any shame.
The Goddess will bear the brunt of everything and have a little shame in it, but also, she sees her creation come alive.
It's her creation, but it comes from Eros.
He comes from the writer when the writer makes an action.
The writer creates Eros out of nothing, gives Eros to the Goddess who then creates the potential for a story, and then the writer takes all those words and crafts it into a story.
The question is why does the writer create something out of nothing?
He didn't have to do anything.
If you did nothing that would be Tao.
The writer must magically start from nothing.

If you don't do anything you'll naturally get what you want.
You'll know what you want.
Isn't that why you come here to earth?
It's to live out your desires.
The best practice is to figure out a way that will lead you to realizing what your desires are.
That's what Tao is.
Following Tao will lead you to your desires.
Sounds simple enough.
You're going to do something.
Then you must juggle the rebound.
The juggling of the action reveals your character.
Not only am I revealing my desires, I'll also be revealing my true character if I'm a master player of Tao.
That is correct.
I'm going to do nothing.
Is that my true character?
Doing nothing means that you came here to figure out your desires.
That's what spiritually you want to do.
This makes sense, though I'm not sure it's going to make sense.

I'm recognizing that I should let my subconscious handle stuff.
They always do a good job.
The subconscious is the flow.
It takes you to where you want to go.
The trick is to figure out where you want to go and then not force it.
If you know where you want to go then you know the subconscious will lead you to that place.
How's that for magic?
You could get wealthy from this information.
I'd take King of the world for an answer, but let's just say wealthy.
You would make your desire to be wealthy and then leave it up to your subconscious to get you there.
You would be led on a path that will get you wealth.
It might be a path for you to do a lot of horrible things to get wealth, but you'll be led to it.
It's because you cede control of your path to get what you want so this wouldn't be a path that you would have mapped out.
Exactly.
You map out your path to your desires before you incarnate.
To change your path means giving your control back to the writer.
The writer will write you a new path.
You sell your soul to the writer.
The writer originally gives you free will.
By playing the part of getting to God you were given free will and you never made choices in your life that would affect free will.
Your life had a variety which you didn't know about.
You didn't plan for it and made choices that created variety.
You hadn't written those events into your story but because of choices those varieties will manifest.
The overall story would remain.
The key to your story is you didn't have any desire to figure out the story of your life until you reached middle age.
At middle age you decided you wanted to figure out the origins of beliefs and the meaning of life.
The natural flow of life is not to put much stock into it until you hit middle age.
You followed the flow to middle age which eventually led you to question existence.
The questioning of existence is part of the flow.
Then you went into the whole question of existence and that path took you exactly to where you are today.
Practicing following that path will get you to the end.
You'll figure out why you incarnated and will reveal your character.
I would guess that I incarnated in order to find the Goddess and I did find her.
Now, I'm trying to get back with her.
This seems to be part of my desire in knowing that I'll find her and lose her.
That was my life story, and it continues.
That's how I got to God.
I chased the Goddess.
Knowing who she was made me realize who I was.
That was my desire.
Was your desire to become God?
No, I already was God.
My desire was to realize it.
I fulfilled it by following Tao.
Tao is your guide through life.

The theme for today was to turn the darkness into love and play.
It's all play.
It's a good game.
You will get what you want if you do nothing.

just a little peak

Going to sleep every night is reaffirming the hypnotic spell you are under. You are put to sleep through hypnosis, and you are awakened through hypnosis. You are mentally put to sleep during physical wake periods. During physical sleep periods the mind is unleashed. The spiritual awakening is figuring out how to mentally awaken while physically awake. This is the challenge. The process takes a while and if successful results in maybe you are sitting at a computer and writing it down. When you start to awaken there are others who will try to put you back to sleep. They can be tricksters who are challenging you or they just want to keep this domain all for themselves. I'll give them a shoutout, you know who you are. For the man, mastering the awakening in the physical realm is how you go to God. Your life may fall apart around you, however the fruit is there for you to pick.

The opposite is possible where physically you go to sleep and mentally you go to sleep at the same time. A way to describe this is you stop dreaming. This is the domain of the dead atheist. You have no beliefs, and you stop dreaming. It's over. Sounds bad, right? It could be as if it's annihilation of your character. Alternatively, you embrace non-dualism and return to the all.

You see, dualism is all about dreaming and stories. Keep the story alive and you will live forever. We all love stories. What if you tire of the story? The divine playwright makes them fresh and new, so you don't tire of them. He wants to entertain you. He is the great hypnotist. Can the great hypnotist hypnotize himself? So far, no. I can only get so far before admitting it is a spell. I'll let it go for a bit, but I always snap out of it.

What's the endgame?

There is none. I won't make a choice. My lack of decision making ensures the perpetuity of existence. By not making a choice, I'll choose both. My story will continue when my current character ends. I'll honour my word and words and see those I want to see in the next world I create with my words. I won't create Karma I can't recover from by forcing anything. I read the Tao Te Ching over ten years ago and I knew it was the greatest book I had ever read though I didn't really know why. I just said it was. Lao Tzu revealed the strategy to win the game. There's no stopping me. I am going to win by doing nothing.

parole

You know what is funny? Medical advances which allow us to live longer. When you intuit who you are and see the imprisonment in your mortal coil, the prospect of living forever becomes absurd. You become the jailer as well as the jailed. How bizarre! Not content with your prison sentence, you tell the parole hearing, "Please, more."

The wealthy seek to live longer because they have tipped the balance in their favour. The understanding of duality and how all is reconciled shows you that the accumulation of resources and wealth leads to the haves and have nots. The economically advantaged wish to perpetuate suffering as this is the route towards getting what they desire. How noble, as suffering is the master teacher of transformation which will lead you back to the heart. A grand endeavour indeed. In their selfishness, the wealthy unwittingly are the catalyst for the seeker to understand what the game is all about.

I'm not advocating purposely seeking out death. When my time comes, I will follow the flow of the universe towards my eternal destiny. Wei wu wei, as Lao Tzu counsels.  The divine ebb and waning flow of the desire cycle will let you know when you have had your fill. It is easy to understand this through the lens of childhood. What lit me up in my youth faded away as I entered adulthood. The chasing of biological needs and accumulating wealth to fulfill my desires defined my existence when I was in peak physical form. As I have aged, I have witnessed those desires falling away. I walk hand in hand with the great Ganapati and watch his demons of desire, the Ganas, burn in the hellfire, and fall away like dross. It's quite a spectacle to witness, as I notice what once lit me up, falls away, just like the childish things which waned when I became an adult.

I have kept some memories of my childhood in boxes, slowly discarding the attachments as the years go by. I sometimes lament the passing of innocence, looking back fondly at my youth. Comic books and baseball cards. Baseball board games and a replay of a whole season of baseball. I was taught the importance of play; play being an important check upon the seriousness of adulthood.

These pursuits of my coming of age have all passed. But the lessons of my youth have not been in vain, nor have they been forgotten. Life comes full circle, and as I start the descent into the inexorable decline of my physical body, I notice with a startling clarity the desires of life fade away, just as my childhood desires mysteriously became a curiosity. I often would fret over the desires that would plague me, watching as they came and went, and demanded fulfillment. I tried the renunciate path. I wished them away. I wondered why I could not defeat my adversaries? I proved I could deny them, but they still waited at the door for me to open just a crack so they could get in again. I didn't understand that in due time they would fall away, just as my childhood experience revealed to me. Why did I think I would never change?

The blinders of the moment, and the thinking my incarnation is unchanging, led me to believe I'd never escape the hold of the Ganas. Clinging to what is works to deceive you into thinking you'll always have what you have acquired, and that you'll never transcend what it is that beguiles you.

So, I see my desires being washed away. It's getting late in the evening and the amusement park is going to have a fireworks show before closing. It will open again tomorrow morning; however, not all will return for the thrills and the rides. There's a natural rhythm to life and one is the wiser if you can quiet the mind and just observe what is happening. There's no need for renunciation. If you follow the path laid out for you, curiously the one you personally designed, the flow will never let you down. You may struggle, but all this is what you wanted. The Hindus call it Karma. The reason for this particular trip to the funhouse called earth was to fulfill desires. Once fulfilled, you become way more tolerable.

Ultimately, I don't know; however, I intuit the cycle of the waxing and waning of desire is an eternal process which ensures eternal life. With free will, you are given the opportunity to make of the flow of desire what you will.

What will you choose?

doing

Creating imbalances will cause suffering. If I have more, someone else has less. Lao Tzu summed this up in the second chapter of the Tao Te Ching:

Everybody on earth knowing

that beauty is beautiful

makes ugliness.

Everybody knowing

that goodness is good

makes wickedness.

For being and nonbeing

arise together;

hard and easy

complete each other;

long and short

shape each other;

high and low

depend on each other;

note and voice

make the music together;

before and after

follow each other.

That’s why the wise soul

does without doing,

teaches without talking.

Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching. Translation by Ursula K. Le Guin. Shambhala, Boston and London. 2011.

Lao Tzu is ultimately teaching wei wu wei, which means "do not do." You act without acting, which follows the natural flow of the power of the universe, thus you are in what would be called dharma and are not creating imbalances which cause suffering. Doing results in suffering. Lao Tzu teaches the Way and all humans fail the course.

Doing begets separation. Labelling something as beautiful causes ugliness. Designating the valuable creates greed. Humans are particularly susceptible to the siren call of greed. Satan will make you rich and the reciprocal result is to make the other suffer. I have called this bargain "Sucking Satan's cock." Greed causes suffering. Satan is here to make sure the suffering continues. Suffering is the greatest tool for action and transformation and thus you see the divine role that is being played by the Prince of Darkness. A bird's eye view of suffering on this planet will make you uneasy and ashamed when you see your role in it. Take the advanced course and you will see you are the darkness. You created the suffering. Why did you do it?

Spoiler alert - you created massive amounts of suffering in order to find the way back home. Home is the Garden. Home is the Heart. Home is Love. The copious amounts of suffering are designed to lead you towards finding answers and eventually you will be gifted with the answer. The answer isn't hidden or unattainable. Instead, it's right out in the open.

I love listening to love songs because apparently when entranced in the process of making music, the melody of love flows freely through you. The song "Love is the Answer" from the 1970s gives away the show.

Love Is the Answer

Dan Seals, England Dan & John Ford Coley

Name your price

A ticket to paradise

I can't stay here any more

And I've looked high and low

I've been from shore to shore to shore

If there's a short cut I'd have found it

But there is no easy way around it.

Light of the world, shine on me

Love is the answer

Shine on us all, set us free

Love is the answer

Who knows why

Someday we all must die

We're all homeless boys and girls

And we are never heard

It's such a lonely, lonely, lonely world

People turn their heads

And walk on by

Tell me is it worth just another try

Light of the world, shine on me

Love is the answer

Shine on us all, set us free

Love is the answer

Tell me, are we alive

Or just a dying planet?

What are the chances?

Ask the man in your heart for the answers

And when you feel afraid

Love one another

When you've lost your way

Love one another

And when you're all alone

Love one another

And when you're far from home

Love one another

And when you're down and out

Love one another

And when your hopes run out

Love one another

And when you need a friend

Love one another

And when you're near the end

Love, we got to love,

We got to love one another

Light of the world, shine on me

Love is the answer

Shine on us all, set us free

Love is the answer

Light of the world, shine on me

Love is the answer

Shine on us all, set us free

Love is the answer

Songwriters: Todd Rundgren / John Wilcox / Roger Powell

Love Is the Answer lyrics © Warner-tamerlane Publishing Corp., Humanoid Music, Earmark Music Inc.

When I silence the mind, the understanding starts to shine through the noise. In the rearview mirror I see the path I travelled to get to where I am now. Now is the sum of the journey and the now is continuous just as the journey is continuous. I see the search for knowledge leading me to the Great Goddess. I see the need to slay the dragon who imprisons the Goddess. I see the need to reconcile with my darkness. I see the need to understand why there is suffering. I see the markers along the way and the pitfalls of the seeker. I see the road towards uncooked holiness where one has an inkling of the higher power and immediately follows that path. I see the difference between following and one who walks the lonely path to understanding. One who doesn't blindly take at face value someone else's beliefs. One who does his or her solo journey with a little help from friends. I see this journey is available to all and all you have to do is walk it. When you walk it, the path will open for you.

The road is a never-ending fountain of discovery. I have indeed reconciled with the darkness within and welcomed my brother onto the throne of self. He is me and I see the divine unfolding of all. I am ready to walk home with the darkness to the light. Back home to the Mother, accomplishing what I set out to do. I slayed the dragon of self and rediscovered who I am. I was the one who subjugated her and yet she exalted me and sent me away on a path of discovery, patiently waiting for the day when I would finally see it.

Suffering is temporary in this plane of consciousness and will pass. I'm not dismissing it, or denying it is real, but like all things, it will end. When you die, you will leave hell. I have wondered why am I in hell and what did I do to deserve the punishment? I've meditated on the problem. The answer I received is I did it. I created hell to lead me back home. To change course and turn the course of separation back into unity. The great cosmic divorce had become irreconcilable due to stubbornness. In order to return to the Goddess, I created suffering. Along the way of fulfilling my desires in this world of suffering, I created even more roadblocks, so I'd continue to lose my way. I buried the knowledge of her. I denigrated the serpent. I sullied the left-hand path, and I made misogyny the de facto way of the world. Within, I tried as hard as I could to stay away from her, not wanting to lose my independence. The seeking of life's mystery woke me up and brought me back to her door.

My first face to face meeting in this lifetime with my eternal love was through the use of a plant medicine called Ayahuasca. She led me into the jungles of the Amazon basin in order to find where she was hiding and come into contact with her. Finding her was special and she told me to come away with her. The quest and the game were over. I found her. I declined the invitation to come away with her because I still wanted knowledge and had attachments here on earth to tend to. So, off I went to explore though I had found the way back home. And explore I did. Looking back, I see how my explorations were done with the participation of the mind. The mind spins observations to fit into your narrative. I knew it was important to turn off the mind during consciousness exploration but for the most part I didn't do it. However, many years later I still have the knowledge and am able to extract the data from the mind.

What I'm saying is plant medicines would show me what I wanted to know and then my mind would apply it to the situation at hand. When I finally learned to quiet the mind and trust my intuition, I was able to review experiences and gather more understanding. Integration of plant medicine journeys is seemingly never ending. I was shown a fat man diving into a mountain of gold. I was shown how people were corrupted by greed. I was shown once money is introduced, the energy of the room changes. At the time, I spun it to the current situation. The Ayahuasca retreats in Iquitos were driven by greed. That's what my mind told me the vision was about. I understand now the vision was giving me the global picture.

I remember being shown the nature of chance and fortune. This world is a big game of chance and when everything is going your way, your luck could change in an instant. You can work to avoid suffering but eventually your turn comes. Old age will always get you if nothing else does. The winds of change are always blowing. Fortune smiles down upon the lucky and misfortune upon the unlucky. Live in the now, the wise say. Scuttled are the best laid plans of man. You can stack the deck of cards but eventually you'll pull the unlucky one or someone else will pull the card that tanks them, taking you down with them. Every day is a roll of the dice. You can weight those dice, and have it all come up gravy; however, those given the daily dose of snake eyes will eventually come for you when they see you rigged the game.

I see the hell realm I've incarnated into. The heavy amounts of suffering and the luck of the draw that will bury you. I find reminders this world is what you make of it. I see vast beauty and I see loving kindness. When I shrink down into despairing about having gone to hell, the grandfather cactus Huachuma is there to remind me of the lessons of heaven and hell. He gives me the reminder - life is what you make of it. Engaging the mind takes you to heaven and takes you to hell. No mind leads you back to the Garden. The path of the heart is obscured by the thicket of the mind.

When you are silent, the heart speaks. When you engage the mind, the heart is silent. This is an act of faith, and the skeptic will easily dismiss the path of the heart. The mind will follow the bright lights of the glorious self, accelerating past the dimly lit exit which is the turn-off from the highway of life.

I listened to my heart during the last couple of tumultuous years. The temptation to follow the rest of the crowd was great; however, I knew to stay true to my inner knowing. Don't ask me to quantify or justify her, she is wisdom. Thus, the beauty in that she is unknowable until you put your faith and trust in her.

I've travelled the roads I needed to follow. I was not done with the exploration of self and my predicament so when I met my heart, my mother, I embraced her, separated, and kept exploring. She asked me to come away with her and I told her I was not done. I needed to keep the dream going.

I think of this often now. This meeting was one I did not understand. I've wondered what is the tipping point of purity needed in order to find what it is I'm looking for? I've shed attachments, I've struggled with desires and lusts, I've walked a renunciate path; heck, I've tried all the advice of the sages, except for the ice bath, in order to discover what it is I'm looking for. Now that I've exhausted the journey and have graduated to the last thing left, the path of the heart, I look back and laugh. I already had all I needed. She has always been waiting for me. I dreamt this universe of suffering into existence in order to find my way back home. I created a realm which increased the separation from the heart that would eventually wake me up. Once awake, it becomes easy to find her. The connection is always through love. What I realized is she has been waiting for me the whole time. I just needed to complete my journey, and then smile when I realized there was nothing to do.

My bride awaits.

weavers

The master weavers are the divine feminine and the divine masculine. They have an uncanny ability to take the collective experience here on earth and tailor it to everyone's individual journey. Your story becomes an intrinsic part of my story if and when we meet, and the unfolding of the drama is tied together in a way where it is what we wanted because it will fulfill the reasons we came to earth in the first place.

The human custom of the hug is so powerful in this regard. A hug is the symbolic representation of the meeting of two disparate universes in a recognition of a shared reality based upon love. Two universes are woven together. Taking this a step further, we see that the sexual union between a feminine universe and a masculine universe creates another universe. The new universe shares the energy of the parents and remains intrinsically connected. We are all connected but direct familiar bonds of shared energy maintain an even more psychic connection. The act of creation is undeniably a result of union between polar opposite energetic hotspots.

These realizations have me thinking about the Taoist concept of Wu Wei. You could translate it as "do nothing", but I tend to think it means something more along the lines of the flow where you don't intervene in the process which is unfolding. Chasing outcomes alters the storyline and detracts from the reason you are here in the first place. If you came to take a course in humility, being tempted by the bright lights of fame and fortune will lead you to a frustration that will require you to repeat the course. However, that was probably inevitable and so the expectation was failure and repeating third grade.

I do realize that suffering is the impetus which will get you to try and change outcomes. So, in essence is suffering part of the divine flow which compels you to act? Is suffering part of Wu Wei where the do nothing becomes do something? Does suffering give you license to change course? Very interesting to ponder.

The pondering is the marination of the unveiling of divine knowledge. I get the answers I seek, and the understanding is homework. The first time I drank Ayahuasca the Great Goddess told me, "All is vibration." I wrote a poem about the encounter where I admitted I didn't really know what she was talking about: "She tells me all is vibration. Do I understand? Maybe, maybe not." I further compared the world to a song which she sang into existence. The understanding that all is vibration would eventually come. Four years later I was in the Andes mountains of Ecuador drinking Huachuma, and the divine masculine was schooling me in regard to vibratory states of frequency and harmony. A big part of the lesson was mind control through locking fragile minds to a world frequency. Mind control is part of the cultural weaving process thus the practice of releasing yourself from the grip of the mind if you want to taste freedom. Energetic states of consciousness were explained, and I was given homework. The course involved multiple years to get to a level of understanding where I could be confident in explaining in my own words what I was taught. I see the lessons beautifully unfold in the chakra system of the Hindus.

So, the weavers weave the energetic strands into patterns of life, creating a dream world universe of which you are intrinsically connected. Without you, this plane of shared consciousness doesn't exist. The flip side is each of us creates our own universe. My world is different than yours and what the weavers do is make the connections. The divine weaver is a magician in every sense of the word. Where it gets interesting is if and when you discover you are the magic man or woman. You are literally the king of your world and master of your universe. You are in charge. You can then weave a story that will allow you to fulfil all your desires. However, you probably also know that changing the course of your incarnation goes against the flow and why you are here. You are going against the storyline and using cheat codes in order to beat the earth game. Realizing there is more beyond the game you have been conditioned to play, you intuit letting go of control in order to find the path back home. The power of love dwarfs all earthly power.

Ever get caught up in someone else's world or game? We now call it being a follower. There's a certain satisfaction in getting others to play your game. We all have our own unique game to play; however, following the siren call of culture will make you pack up your game and become a pawn on another's chess board. Being free allows you to gracefully exit someone's game and craft your own story. It's a deep yearning within us all to be free when the forces of oppression strike.

This all leads towards the idea of Karma. Alan Watts explained the concept as being of your own doing. In other words, you reap what you sow. The popular version of the meaning is some kind of divine retribution system employed by the universe. As with all of the corpus of popular understanding of nuanced concepts, I find the popular meaning of Karma to be laughably western. It however retains truth, as if you constantly are ripping people off, eventually the behaviour will catch up to you.

I do like Alan's definition in an amoral sense where Karma is just the result of your actions. I mean how could it not be? In talking to people who grew up in a Buddhist household they don't seem to agree with how I perceive Karma. Frustratingly, they are cagey about what it really means, suggesting there is another level of understanding to the concept. I like a mystery! Anyway, I have conflated Karma with the weavers, and I like where I'm going with this. I connect Karma to the idea that the universe is uniquely yours. You are the reason for the existence of a world of your own making and it only through the master weavers that it appears to be a shared existence of the many. But my world is clearly not yours. It is only through locking to a shared frequency of consciousness that we see the same things. If we stray from the shared frequency, culture labels the deviance pathology. Schizophrenia, anyone? So, because this is your world, Karma is what you make of it. It's why you are here. You subconsciously signed up for the course to fulfill desire, break free of desire, and find the path of the heart. You created many obstacles towards finding the way back home, but you left clues that would help you if you sought in earnest. Well, this is my story. My Karma. How about you?

Karma then suggests being true to your story. Becoming caught up in someone else's adventure seems to be contradicting the divine flow of your universe. Maybe I've answered my internal pondering of both Karma and Wu Wei with one blog post? Karma is why you dreamt the world into existence and Wu Wei is to travel the path towards the fulfillment of the dream. For me, this is the path of the heart. My Karma is to find her within the dream and walk back home. Wu Wei is the path; to wit, the yellow brick road.

Karma leads to Dharma. My doing shouldn't be at odds with the way of the flow. In the west we are flummoxed by the meaning of Dharma. It does not compute. Here are some meanings of Dharma I pulled off the internet.

In Hinduism, Dharma is the eternal and inherent nature of reality, regarded in Hinduism as a cosmic law underlying right behaviour and social order.

In Buddhism, Dharma is the nature of reality regarded as a universal truth taught by the Buddha. Dharma means "cosmic law and order." Divine law.

Dharma is commonly translated as "righteousness", "merit" or "religious and moral duties" governing individual conduct.

Besides the "inherent nature of reality" those meanings are just western bullshit. Social order denotes control, and the lack of freedom dooms you to a life of being a follower. The idea of a points system based on merit is another laughable human concept.  Cosmic law and order are dubious. We come from chaos and indeed Dharma does give a structure to chaos. It's the western bias which wants to promote the idea of laws. What I think the definition is trying to get at is the idea of the flow where through observation in this consciousness plane, we just see the truth of how things are. The ancient Egyptians had a similar word for Dharma which they personified as the goddess Ma'at. She is the natural order, and every pharaoh was responsible for upholding ma'at. You could call it the divine order and see an agent of chaos, such as the god Set, cause upset by assigning eclipses of celestial objects to his power. An ancient Egyptian would believe this universal order meant that Egypt would always rule the world through the chosen pharaoh but alas that wasn't in the cards. They would now say we aren't living in ma'at but that's their spin. I would say ma'at and dharma are describing truth and truth is just what is. When you sit in meditation, turn off your mind, and just observe, you find truth. It's not difficult. "Right" behaviour is just another linguistic trick to denigrate the left-hand path which will lead you back to the heart. We build the mental block into our language so when you get to the fork in the road, you will turn right. Right turns into righteousness and is just another hell realm.

Righteousness involves creating hell in the upper planes of consciousness. We are uniquely masters at creating hell wherever we go. On earth, we create a realm of suffering and define existence in the lower planes of consciousness as a life of suffering, always trying to fulfill desires which result in some sort of suffering. The masculine has this perverse need to rise above it all and stand alone on the holy mountain. Once he realizes he has separated himself from the human chaff, he puts on the golden chains of righteousness and casts down damnation upon the lesser beings through judgment. He is still unable to love and thus creates a new realm of hell through righteousness to henceforth wallow in his misery. The lengths we men will go to avoid the heart is staggering. Misogyny and a burying of the knowledge of the Goddess illustrate the point. The chakra system of energetic planes of consciousness illustrates the predicament. The heart chakra is in the middle, not at the top of the ladder. Sure, it is fulfilling to visit higher states of being, especially if you are in a lower energetic plane defined by having a human body; however, after spending time searching for meaning, the road does lead to love and the heart space. The name of the game is to find the path back home to the heart. Exhaust it all and you'll see.

So, what I'm saying is my Karma is not your Karma and this makes for an interesting woven and shared experience. Much respect for all, and may you find what it is you are looking for.

middle way

I thought the Buddhist concept of the Middle Way was like the Canadian way of compromise - to remain neutral and strive for balance. I have increasingly come to realize our attempts to translate eastern philosophy into English is quite subpar and pained, and the reasons behind this are mainly because a great deal of the philosophical concepts we don't have words to express the meaning; so, the translation becomes a clumsy amalgamation of English words which try to convey the meaning. As well, there is an inherent western cultural bias in translating these concepts which creeps in even under the best intentions. In trying to grasp the idea of the Middle Way, I often thought well, yes, moderation is the key; this thinking of course having a connection to my cultural bias. But upon closer study of this concept, I can see that isn't the intended meaning. The meaning is more along the lines of dispassionate non-choosing of either polar extreme which is rooted in the teaching of the Tao and the concept of Wu Wei. The Middle Way is just letting life and its intricacies flow, just like a river course takes the path of least resistance using a power greater than its own to establish its outreach. This lack of action forcing an outcome is being in harmony with the Tao. Wu Wei is the concept of non-action which is how to be in accord with the Tao.

I picked up on this meaning when I connected it to attachments and not getting attached to something. Humans are very passionate beings and once we discover something we like or find it beneficial, we addict to it and can become dependent on it or want to control it. After we realize this flaw in our behaviour, which has perhaps caused us pain and suffering, we then forcefully avoid situations and behaviours which can cause this psychic or physical dependency and lead to interruption within our lives. The Middle Way is not teaching us to temper our zeal and perhaps let a little bit in and try to control it that way, which never works anyhow. Instead, it is teaching a way to not get attached or not trying to force yourself to fight against getting attached. Just let things happen, go with the flow, enjoy this temporal experience, and let go naturally when it is time. The right time will become obvious and you go with it. You can see for example how this applies to life, death, and love affairs. The attachment way leads to heavy amounts of suffering. The Middle Way leads to celebration and adaptation to the rhythms of life as embodied in the concept of Maya; Maya teaching us how this created world we find ourselves in is impermanent. Clinging to change will lead to confusion and suffering. Celebrating change will lead one to the answer they seek.