reconciliation

The shy god who wants to remain in the shadows.

The probing into my psyche this latest trip to Peru to work with the plant teachers has been quite fruitful. I’ve never experienced full blown depression so in my life my only way in to see what makes me tick has been through the use of plant medicines. Initially you get in, are gobsmacked by the experience, but then the defences are thrown up as the hidden dark side of the self puts into action various methods to prevent you from going further. They work for the most part and you stop looking for a while, partly because it is so upsetting to turn your world upside down or face the truth. The answer is always present just waiting for you to admit it to yourself.

First off you believe through these experiences that you are to dissolve your ego. The literature tells you that, others repeat it, and you know something is going on in that mysterious mind of yours so you figure it must be all about your ego. Ego death puts you face to face with the light and the dark. You believe that the reason you are not better is because your idea of who you are is preventing you from moving forward to the light and succeeding. In reality your ego has always been weak and transitory; acting as a foil for something deep within your subconscious that doesn’t want to be discovered. This shadowy figure in reality is the big fish to catch. After having fingered the ego as the bad guy you then embark on a spiritual journey of some sort in order to become a better person, without realizing that in truth all you are doing is transforming and strengthening the same ego you had fingered as the bad guy.

It is a double edged sword. The exploration of consciousness is difficult, unsettling, and with many roadblocks put in place, whether psychological, pressure from society, or those close to you to drop the search. If you clear those hurdles, which grow higher everyday, then you get up the path that leads to spiritual enlightenment and a sense of accomplishment. All well and good but you kind of let the whole probing into the depths slip in exchange for a white robe. You are still wearing a mask and buried your dark side, the obfuscated scapegoat, an undeniable part of your true self, once again behind the veneer of being a better person. What am I hiding?

Why was I taught as a child to hide my feelings away? Big boys don't cry. For shame. Bury that shit. Then I grew up and in my quest to be righteous I threatened my dark side once again with annihilation. Self-preservation isn't just for the acknowledged self.

The one behind the mask doesn’t want to be discovered now. Can you blame them? The one behind the mask is all of us; the divine actor. If discovered, the show ends. There is no more drama. If superman is found out to be Clark Kent then for some reason he can’t hide out in this world anymore as a regular guy. If god is discovered as me then I can’t hang out in this world anymore as a regular guy. The story is over and all the elements that make the play grand and the game worth the candle all become trivial and the drama meaningless. I mean I’m omnipotent, eternal, and created this whole charade. My own overarching task was to stay hidden.

I’m contrarian by nature and this whole spiritual enlightenment game always smelled a little funny to me. I kept coming back to plant medicines so I could peek a little bit more into the darkness. I’m curious and good at solving riddles. I wasn’t scared off by them anymore and even with their dwindling efficacy I still found value and I also realized it was another tool of the dark side to send me packing so I’d stop looking. They intended to leave me frustrated but I saw through it and realized my dark side was playing another game where they would stop showing me what I wanted to see. My Ayahuasca visions would last an hour tops before the show was over. I wondered if I needed to drink more? That idea was shut down one ceremony where the medicine was so strong I could barely stand up to go to the washroom and the energy was so overwhelming and present it was palpable in the air. It’s not the medicine; it’s me that is blocking the visions. Okay why then? Part of the solution was in the block I had to drinking the cup. It made my stomach turn just thinking about it. Something within me wanted this to stop. Not to be deterred, I kept pursuing and eventually went down deep into the depths through this visionary tunnel where I came face to face with the truth. I finally realized the one who does not want to be discovered is my dark side and as big a part of me as self and higher self. The dark side who is full of passion, desire, lust, love, takes risks, is creative, compassionate, and wants to keep the game going at all costs. Finally I saw the simple truth. My dark side of course I keep hidden and construct an ego to throw others and my own damn self off of this truth and the search for it.

The ego I constructed to keep others away from my truth. Internally I construct blocks to prevent myself searching for and from finding out the truth. In plant medicine ceremonies I told myself I’d walk in front of a train and commit suicide if I continued on this path after conjuring a demon the previous ceremony. When that didn’t work and I came back to Peru, I threatened myself with a plane crash and said I’d never get home from Peru unless I dropped the seeking and surrendered to the church. My ceremonies went incredibly dark, strange, and unsettling. Ten out of eleven of them started out with such darkness that I couldn’t shake. The only ceremony to not start off that way involved the Great Goddess which gave me the strength to forge ahead. When I pierced through the many veils, she was always there welcoming me in order to keep me wanting to press forward. My threats to myself I figured out were empty. I kept coming back. My dogged persistence eventually led me to see this truth. I accepted it and made peace with myself. I have anger, jealousy, lusts, male possessive traits, a thirst for knowledge and meaning, a need for control, a hurting heart, a tendency to get annoyed at others, and a desire to help those in need.

Ayahuasca and Huachuma allow you to probe into the things that make you tick. Now that these peccadilloes are freed from hiding and I’m good with it all then I can now work with the medicine to explore and integrate them. I wonder why I wanted to keep them hidden from myself? Do I have a problem with acceptance and not wanting to own these traits?

The higher and lower self are the constituents of the self and shape who we really are. We don’t want to accept our dark and lower self and do everything to deny this part of us and relegate it to something we can transform. It can’t be done but instead we can acknowledge it and harmonize it with our higher self in order to create a more fully integrated self. That to me would be peace. The pursuit of the higher self is understandable. On the journey we want to become one of the perfected and transcend the morass of humankind. When we do that we ignore those traits that also make us who we are, thinking we can leave those behind. The clarity I have acquired on this trip has allowed me to finally come face to face with my dark side, have a good laugh, and then just accept it is a part of who I am. This is the true liberation I have been seeking all along.

The universe was created in order to separate the great self into its constituent parts in order to come to terms with these traits and reconcile all. There is a great reluctance to face up to it all and we acquiesce and allow the darkness to stay hidden at all costs.

Once we reconcile all, the long separation can end. 

joker

The theme in my life is now the joker as I have altered my consciousness enough to see through the pretence of culture, spirituality, and existence. The joker is the wild card in the deck of playing cards. The cards represent the currency in our life we accumulate and then use to get ahead in the game of life. The joker comes along and through chance and happenstance, upsets the applecart of expectations, making the drama of life unpredictable and worth playing. The joker is the jester with the funny hat with bells, never taking things seriously. The joker is the one who likes to dress up in costume and play different roles; who causes upset and laughs at culture. Who makes fun of those who hold power. Who dispenses with the need for morals and boundaries. The joker reminds us that all will pass. The one who just wants to play. It's the crazy and wild one Dionysos, god if you will. The outcast, the scapegoat, and the denied.

I had a meet up with a bunch of friends a little out of the way and took the commuter train to the city and then walked the remaining distance. On my way, I passed on by a Muslim cleric dressed in his religious robes. This was a Tuesday but it struck me that some religions still do make observance a way of life. In the Christian tradition I am familiar with, the priest dresses up on Sundays and the congregation gets all pious on Sunday morning and appointed holidays but that's it. All cultures have an outlet for spiritual practice as the call is a curious happenstance in Homo sapiens. Set up is a cultural institution that accumulates power based on others looking for answers that then profits off you, all the while requiring you to have a belief in someone else's beliefs. It stops you cold from pursuing it on your own. Going solo is always an understood no no. Even if you look towards the Eastern traditions, there is the admonishment that you need a guru. And you have to be obedient to the teacher and sweep up at the ashram for a decade before you make spiritual progress and they let you in on the secrets. I must admit the philosophy that arose out of the east is impressive and top notch. They invented enlightenment and by practicing their methods and understanding their philosophy you will grasp it and become enlightened as well. I think you then get this healthy glow or shine.

We as men chase our idea of either god or enlightenment. Righteous and pure, shining in the sky like the sun, a fully realized and enlightened being. We long to be like him; to enact a personal transfiguration and transcend the morass of humanity. A desire to one up the masses and climb the mountain to get to the top. We concoct religions and rites to lead us up the mountain to this ideal. We put on righteous robes and condemn the sinners. Spirituality the world over is white robes, a sense of morality, and an underlying asceticism with a dose of righteousness. The masculine half of the human race is peculiarly attracted to these qualities. I say this because of this particular trait I have noticed within us that seems to mostly affect the majority of men. This trait is a striving to be sinless and righteous. Since we all dabble in the opposite, there is this strange pressure exerted by society to rise above and strive to ascend that mountain and become perfected. All the world's great religions were originated by men, are dominated by men, and lead to the perfection of self. This right hand path is fundamentally a noble endeavour however it's missing the balance a little bit of the feminine left hand path of love and unity would bring.

Some forms of spiritual enchantment make you live a life of obedience to an idea and its god. It's a form of hypnosis as we are easily taken in and bewitched; a lot of the time it is due to fear of death and an inner knowing you are a sinner and needing to make amends for your wretchedness. Ultimately, we don't do it because we want to be good, instead it is the human need for a reward. If I'm good I will be rewarded in the afterlife! Scriptures are full of this carrot. It isn't enough to do something unconditionally, there always has to be a prize and an out-group of the damned. It was good drama at some point but this act has become tiresome. The last few centuries have seen its diminution and people breaking free of its grasp but really this stage needs to be burned to the ground.

The refuge of those who have either not come to terms with who they are, are ashamed of themselves, or want to live their life in a divided state thinking somehow they can be 100% pure and good is religion. You can’t ever reach the idealized state. Society in turn sets up this bullshit saying it’s wrong to seek pleasure, to embrace your kinks and passions, and declares you’re a sinner and a degenerate. Then you have to hide your behaviour and put on the act. You live your life in a state of denial, obfuscation, and operate in the dark. Psychologists know how damaging this is yet they say nothing; they just continue to see patients and enable the charade instead of telling people just embrace who you are and don’t think you can transcend yourself into some model of perfection. The joker loves to reveal the hypocrisy of the righteous knowing full well we all have our faults and the side of us we strive to keep hidden. Underlying this is the need to come clean; to embrace our faults, fully knowing that the only way through is to bring all into the light.

Fortunately in the cards no one has a monopoly on enlightenment, paths can be divergent and yet can all lead to the same place. You can do it on your own. It's simply an awakening to whom you really are, your immortality, and the nature of existence.

The stench of all of man's spiritual traditions permeates the paths I travel. I say man because he's the guilty party. Women tend towards earth centric celebrations of life. I have seen through the culture games and the desperate longings of the spiritual man to get to the top of the mountain and then try to pull you along as a follower. I looked within and found all I need. I have no need for any affirmation from an agency vested with omnipotence, spiritual truth, or authority. It's ultimately a con game and if you want to play it, then play it. I'm the joker now. I can laugh at it all.

My conception of god is of the divine actor who acts all the parts and gets lost in doing so. It’s all about play and because all are immortal and exist for eternity there is no need for morals, righteousness, or striving to be the best. That’s all cultural baggage; a byproduct of the grand stage we do our dance upon. I have ultimately learned to act with love, for yourself and for others, and the rest will take care of itself.

Do you want to beat the game? Practice unconditional love and remember to play. Now, I didn't say you have to be perfect but instead I chose my words carefully and said practice. You know, if life was a utopia it would eventually get pretty dull. A good game has an element of chance or a wild card. The joker in the deck of playing cards creates and extends the drama. In the end, it is all play. There's nothing to worry about. Play along.

The greatest role the joker plays is in the lives of those who seek spiritual enlightenment. You can get far up that mountain but eventually the joker will reappear and challenge you. Why are you doing this? What do you think you are going to get out of this other than glorifying yourself and personal satisfaction? You may have gotten up the mountain and received your white robe, maybe fooled yourself and others, but every part of you came along on this hike. Are you going to deny them like Peter did Jesus three times in the garden of Gethsemane? Are you going to declare your true self the higher spiritual calling you pursued and attained and relegate the other parts of you to non-status? You’ll be a fraud and you know it. Your impulses and desires aren’t going to leave you alone; they will keep haranguing you. 

You play it small when you take the shiny right hand path and glorify the self. Curiously, the fame and fortune fool you into thinking you are larger than life. The ego gets satisfaction but the joker has the last laugh. The dull left hand path of service, the one that required you to turn down the opportunities and overtures of the world, shows you each act of service lifts up the whole, and glorifies us all. It's the all in gambit, playing it large, like cosmically huge, but will never admit to it. Perceptually, we recognize the self and are naturally attracted to self-improvement. To find balance is to be of service to the all and elevate not only the self but everyone else along with it. Everybody gets to climb to the top of the mountain and then walk back down hand in hand.