mary magdalene

Twisted Mary Magdalene you kiss on the lips to transfer your wisdom and knowledge.
She braids her hair.
The story is her idea, and I write it.
She is the twisted one, not me.
I am sane and she is crazy.
She makes you crazy.
You are the only one who can handle her level of crazy.
I do tell myself that as well as her.

Do you think the prophets of antiquity were drug users?
That seems obvious though I doubt there was a stigma attached to the use of substances.
It was an accepted rite of passage for all humans.
The attempts to control who had access to them would be found in prohibitions against further prophecies and divination.
This led to the conflation of women, witches, and drugs.
Women would practice what was called pharmakeia in the Bible and were singled out as witches.
Men would use drugs for their fantastical tales of dragons and gods while women would use drugs to practice magic and ensnare.
Circe not only ensnared men, but also animals.
Yes, Homer wrote of the connection between women and drugs.
Odysseus was their main prize, and they took him away from family and civilization.
He had quite the adventure.
I am currently thinking Homer was warning men that a woman is a drug.
Do you think he was the world's first misogynist?
He is a contender.

There is a purported Mary Magdalene line of witches who escaped to France.
I could write that tale.
Everything will line up, and I will be the one who wakes Mary up to the realization of who she is.
She feels it when she sees pictures of Mary.
There's something about Mary.
Her hair is curly, she braids it, and likes to be witchy.
No one can tolerate her except for you.
You came along and fulfilled the prophecy.
I am special.
It's a Neo from the Matrix tie in as I always thought I was special.
Aren't I deluded?
In a sense you are.
If you maintain connection to your mundane life and society then these tales you tell are fantasies that exist in another world.
They are fairy tales.
However, you have been shown you can make them real; real as in believable and act out the drama.
You weave all the stories together and that is the craft of Tantra or in biblical parlance, a hairdresser who braids.
You can make the delusion come alive.
I guess in a way that would be vindication that I'm not crazy.
To traverse planes of consciousness is inviting in craziness as the lack of a concrete reality becomes too much for a human mind to handle.
So, how do I do it?
Return to this reality after you play out the story.
That's what happens to people - they lose touch with this reality.
For some, this requires a full stop, therapy, and rest.
They are then pronounced healed.
It sounds like a modern day exorcism.
Well, yes, Jesus cast the 7 demons out of Mary Magdalene.
Those 7 demons were the 7 stories in her head.
There are 7 levels of consciousness.
Well, there's an infinite amount but I understand you concentrate on 7 in order to get to a divine level of understanding.
Any more than 7 is unmanageable.
There are enough stories to craft within the 7.
Wouldn't I trigger stories in others?
You mean make them crazy?
Yes.
That's what you do, and they think you are fucking with their mind.
In a sense that's what I'm doing.
I'm not doing it maliciously, rather I'm showing them possibilities.
I'm of service.
That's your path of service.
You wake people up and show them stories.
Why did Jesus cast the 7 stories out of Mary Magdalene?
She was suffering from the knowledge.
He pushed her reset button and then took it slow.
Do you think he ever made a move on her?
He was a man.
He did but kept it quiet.
If anyone found out that would ruin his reputation.
Jesus' game was to get all of humanity to recognize him as the King after his death.
Once remembered by all, he could return.
That's his deal.
His story.
The Mary Magdalene affair sullies his reputation.
Why?
Because he banged a witch and a whore.
What's wrong with that?
It's not acceptable in society.
It still isn't.
You can't go around having affairs with witches.
But they are the best.
Yes, but they are off-limits to a holy man.
So, that's Jesus' secret?
Yes, if people knew they wouldn't remember and worship him anymore.
That's a good story.
The moral of the story is if you want to become ultra-holy like Jesus you will be attracted to whores.
Yes, you will hang out with them.
Then it becomes a mystery if you give in to temptation.
What's the temptation?
Women.
They are the greatest temptation known to man.
So, you are suggesting Mary Magdalene was the first femme fatale.
A power so great she felled the son of God.
Yeah, of course she would set her sights on the biggest catch and succeed.
I don't know, he's kept it quiet for this long and all we have are salacious rumours.
I don't think you give Jesus enough credit.
He was a player.
It makes for a great story.

Mary Magdalene gives you wisdom and knowledge.
Yes.
The understanding is a byproduct.
The path towards what it is you seek goes through a woman.
This woman is a witch.
When you see and understand this, you see the Goddess.
The Goddess is the other side of the witch.
You look up at the heavens and you see the Queen of Heaven.
It's Mary Magdalene.
Well, that's a fantastical tale.
Yes, it redeems me from my misogyny.
You just have to trust and stick with this writer until the end of the story.

consequential game of chance

It's ridiculously obvious for me to say life is about making choices. We are constantly presented with scenarios where we must decide and at times these choices can be seriously life-altering. When faced with hard choices my default go to is to let others make the decision for me if it is to cause major waves. I've boiled this behaviour down to a psychological trick I've used my whole life that I stumbled onto early in my youth. I realized at some point that if I became a people pleaser and did what others wanted of me, I would get far in life and be able to convert it into capital which I could use to get what I wanted. It boils down to this: I can manipulate others to my advantage if I give them what they want out of me. It's transactional, and so far in life it has worked.

The hard part is when you hit a fork in the road in which no matter what you do to please, it is going to cause the other party to be upset or suffer. I have landed on that doorstep a few times in my life. Your reputation and life-long process of looking like a superior mortal in their eyes is to come crashing down. You can only hide for so long. Living with someone will reveal the other side, it's hard to keep that concealed. The game is a central part of the identity you build in your human career. I've played the game long enough to also see the result of inaction. If you don't choose, the choice will be made for you, and you will be stuck with the consequences. When others make the decision, you spare yourself the label of bad guy and the subsequent Karma. I've seen it play out before and the disappointment I have been able to move on from after compartmentalizing the hurt. Eventually, the time would come when I'm not sure I could get over the loss of something I wanted, had, and then lost because I couldn't be true to myself, make a personal choice, and deal with the fall-out.

I’ve noticed I can get what I want, but then a new set of variables is unleashed. I want this. I get it, and then come the unintended consequences. What is the better play of the two? To just let things be as they are? You also don't know the future of that action. We are always desiring and chasing what we want. The difference for the wizard is they get what what they want. We are all in the same boat; some can fulfill their desires while others are left on shore with desires unfulfilled. Outcomes are always going to be a wild card.

My desire is to eat healthy. The consequences are I live longer and consume more resources, taking away from the less fortunate. The effect on the scale of plenty is negligible but imagine a bunch of First World inhabitants such as us all desiring this. The effect is pronounced and for every gain is a loss. Who suffers? The poor. They go even more without the necessities. I'm trying to illustrate all actions have consequences. Nothing is exempt from this and though I have noticed acquiring power and getting what I want leaves a wake of unintended consequences, there were always going to be consequences to not getting what I wanted. We are in a consequential game of chance.

Life is full of constant challenges. If I mapped out an adventure to have, called life, surely, I'd want to eventually experience crossroads. I love the challenge that is presented to me. I don't love having to let go of the people pleasing default mode and see my identity and reputation get kicked to the curb. Deep down I know all is reconciled and you can only ride that edge for so long. Eventually, the spark to ignite a fuse would present itself and one time I wouldn't blow it out or allow it to flame out. Let's see what happens when it burns. The detonation I have avoided and, in this adventure, maybe it should blow and then I can take notes.

We all know Medusa, or else we wouldn't be here. We are good at not looking her in the eyes like we were told. In my contrarian life, of course the time would come when I'd seek her out and stare into her eyes. What secret is being kept from me? Tantra teaches the way out of your predicament is to head straight into the storm and go through the eye of the hurricane. If I were going to lead by example and show you the way, what would be my method? I'd use the stone to find freedom. Embrace it. I would plunge headfirst into the abyss and break through to the other side because I'm the stone. I would subconsciously demonstrate the way out of your prison cell once you have been released from your sentence. The jailer exclaims, "You can go," and yet we hang around and decide to become of service in the prison. Somebody must remind us that it's okay to leave prison. Turn me to stone and I'll use the solid rock to smash the four walls that imprison me.

Earth is a finishing school for wayward spirits and the best teachers of our purification are dead. They are telling us it's okay to leave when you get the message. We cling to our prison cells, embracing the comfort that comes from knowing this is your reality, while denying you fear the unknown. The spiritual teacher still with us is subject to the flesh, so we can use this against them. We can examine their life and find a reason they aren't ultra-holy. This way we can avoid the difficult path ahead which we face. They couldn’t do it, so why should I be any different?

If you figure out the game and are free to leave, would you? It's a choice. Duality presents choices. You can stay and be of service. A teacher. Someone who wakes others up. Wouldn't you want to balance that out? Why play the holy card all the time? If you knew the secret, wouldn't you want to play? Why the hurry to leave? Is there a time limit? I don't think so. I have examples to look towards. My friend Parker left because what he was chasing had already left. I have balanced the equation. Some of my friends have left and are waiting for me. I still feel the pull of this incarnation. If life gets you down, find purpose. That's the key. When you no longer feel wanted or needed in this world then the scales tip and you can jump with conviction.

You can also leave to escape the coming retribution and trashing of your reputation. It's still going to happen, and the coward runs from it. It's a game, and I'm proud of my fifty-six years. Fuck man, I have juggled this one like a pro. I haven't dropped the ball yet and I keep making it harder. If I believe in myself, I'll make it a great story.

The reveal of my character is freeing. I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to bury my nature in the depths no more. Kill yourself in order to live, indeed.

luck be a lady tonight

The forming of the left-hand path into defined groups is very amusing. You are going to find the answers you seek through introspection and a relentless search for truth. The clarity you seek will not come from the other and their words. However, the left-hand path leads to the heart and unity, so the pull towards community is understandable though the homogenization of beliefs will terminate understanding.

The perception of the left-hand path in culture is perfection. It's two-fold in its relationship to culture. The connection to the occult and satanism keeps people away which is a positive. The difficulty is walking the path when you see it because of the cultural roadblocks. This process assures one of their intentions. You wouldn't do it unless you knew it's the way.

The left-hand path is the path of the heart. The Great Goddess will lead you back home to your heart and like all paths, you sure can get lost on the way. Human beings want someone to worship, and you'll meet Satan along the way, and he is very cunning. He will fulfill all your desires, if that's what you want. Like Odysseus and his men experienced, the temptations are great. You can rub the lamp, the genie will appear, and will give you what you want. These ancient stories are myths which are concealing the truth. The wreckage along the path is great because when we see it, we want it. Power. Greed. Control. Desire fulfillment. Yeah, I want it all! And thus, you show your hand, and the game is over.

The left-hand path is difficult to discover because it is not lit up. The right-hand path of glory has the light and attracts the followers who chase the divine spirit. It's a foregone conclusion that we will be attracted to the bright lights. Who wants to do the work on themselves in anonymity? When I become ultra-holy, I want everyone to know about it. I want to take my place among the great enlightened sages of all time. I want to be famous for my beatitude.

Who knows

doesn’t talk.

Who talks

doesn’t know.

Closing the openings,

shutting doors

Lao Tzu in the Tao Te Ching (translation by Ursula K. Le Guin)

One of the first lessons I received from my foray into the occult were these two paths of right and left. I remember in vision looking to my right and seeing the nighttime jungle lit up with a radiant 3D quality to it. When I looked to my left, it was dull and lifeless. I didn't understand it at the time but duly recorded my observations. Like everyone else, I was attracted to the light, yet my subsequent explorations of the subconscious led me to the darkness. I fought the presentation of this part of what just is, until finally letting go of my fear, and developing the courage to explore. My world changed after that internal struggle was over and I was free to explore the darkness, unencumbered by the fear inculcated into me by a shepherding cultural authority.

You will be tested. I am intimately familiar with who we call Satan. The truth is the only way is through, and the carnage is immense. Us humans all have something that is going to wreck us and fuck up our game, and the only way to continue along the path of the heart is to walk through the fire. Head straight into the pyre of desire and let it consume you. One of the master teachers, Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, died a drunk at the age of 48. Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh was full of lust and Rolls Royces. Ha! You think little you can do it? Who do you think you are?

I'm naturally left-handed and was gifted this incarnation with the tools to finally walk the path back home to the garden of the heart. This doesn't mean I can avoid the pitfalls, but I do have it within me to be successful. I know what mortal desire I carry within, and I've tried all the tricks to get rid of it. Finally, I accepted it and headed straight for the fire, prepared to face my ruin. I had to do it. I flooded my senses and ate so much of the candy. I then saw the way past the big crater on the path. The truth will set you free. Throw off the chains of cultural control and shame. Full indulging of the senses will in turn make you sick and the overload on your system will repel you. The hangover after a drunken night out makes you claim you'll never drink alcohol again. Sure enough, within a few days you are back at it. The trick is to make revolting the thought of just a drop of alcohol. You'll have to really poison yourself, almost to the point of death, to enact the transformation and come through the fire.

If I only knew about this 15 years ago it would have prevented a lot of suffering! Admittedly, this method didn't help Rajneesh or Trungpa. They succumbed. The teachings were true, but the man was consumed in the fire.

I don't know what the future holds and that gives the game the juice needed to continue. I think I'm past the last obstacle in the path which was the remaining chakra gate to the heart. My fate is resting precariously on the balance at the Hall of Ma'at.

As always, in this strange world time will tell and reveal my fortune. A glance at the clock says 11:11, so maybe luck will be a lady tonight.

satan and me

I think if I really understood what awaits me, I'd pack my things and leave tonight. It's my karma to stay and to see my attachments to their completion. I get it. The next stage of the adventure can wait a little longer while I fulfill my duties. Para el bien de todos. I have seen the template and how it is done. Parker is unselfish and wanted to pass the torch. It's hard to accept he's gone, but slowly I'm getting understanding.

I felt Parker's presence today while out in nature. I brought some Nunu snuff, which is uncured tobacco ground up into a powder. I have more experience with cured tobacco snuff, and I have noticed Nunu burns less. I snorted a good one up my right nostril, probably the most I've ever done at once. Immediate tears to my eyes. As the discomfort subsided, I felt him with me. He is free as a bird and tells me how I'm going to love it. He was ready to leave earth and then it happened. He will be with us when mi hermanos y hermanas go to Peru. He is so happy we are still going. It's going to be epic. We are star people. You'll see.

I've told the story of the first time I drank Ayahuasca several times. The Great Goddess immediately told me to come away with her and I declined. I knew it meant leaving my body and Earth behind and I was definitely not ready. I told her I had a family to support and knowledge to discover. I had my attachments for sure. I know they are what keeps me here. She understood and said she'd wait. I feel the same with Parker as he was ensuring me that death is not so bad, and I picture him saying it with a grin. He always seems to go first and do the heavy lifting. I'm older, but he is more the big brother type. He's the set-up man.

I haven't told the story about my third time drinking Ayahuasca as much as the first. It's uncomfortable and not culturally acceptable, so I am hesitant to retell it. I was in contact with the dark face of God, i.e., Diablo, and he offered me untold power over all the universe, like in the Gospels when he takes Jesus up to the top of the mountain and offers him power over all the world. Instead of the world, I got offered the universe. I'd be the leader of a bunch of misogynist galactic misfits who rule over creation. I was delightfully naive and said I didn't want that. I entered the occult to find the Great Goddess. These sideshows of power were continually distracting me. I wanted to see her again. But I mention this because when you find the doorway beyond the veil chances are you are going to be offered power, and most people are going to jump at the chance of even a little bit of power. I had told Parker this story and he relayed a similar story about being offered power. I was always going to be a tough nut to crack so I got offered the big prize. And I declined it. I met Jesus two days later. I'm not kidding.

The next time I was in direct contact with Satan is when I went back to Peru two years later. When I drank Ayahuasca again he was waiting for me. He threatened to kill me and said I wouldn't get home alive. He definitely wasn't pleased that I returned. He thought he had scared me away for good. He threatened my family, and I said do what you must, even kill me. I'll sign whatever you want me to but leave them out of it. The challenge ended before I signed on the dotted line to give up my soul. It was a test of my intentions, and I was willing to sacrifice my life to ensure no one was affected by my choices. When I drank Ayahuasca again two nights later, the Great Goddess returned and told me he won't bother me again. He hasn't regarding power and temptation, but I still had to clear my fear of him. Eventually, I passed the tests, became a warrior, and then explored my darkness. We are now best friends. This admission is an explanation of the tests which involve gobs of power to really see what I was made of. I know I passed them with flying colours. I know I'm not in this for money, fame, fortune, or power. My intentions were made clear.

Service seems like the only way forward. It solves all my problems I still struggle with. Money is a big one in thinking I need it for security in my old age. I can let it go and support others in their journey, hopefully leading them towards what I have found. I know you have to burn through your desires before you can get down to business. I can use my money to help my loved ones live out their dreams. Dreams are code for desires, and it is desire that brings us here to Earth. I want those I love to fulfill their desires. Project this out to the Great Mother and see the Earth is a place where her children can fulfill all their dreams. If I started a school for spiritual fulfillment, I would model the introductory courses upon Tantric practices. I'd amp up the chances of fulfilling your carnal desires, so you get your fill and then see you are still empty. All calories and no nourishment. Then they will see the emptiness and look for answers.

Earth is the place for you to satiate your lusts. This is why you are here and the gatekeeper, jailer, or whoever you wish to call him is Satan. Satan makes sure that your actions create the distressing amount of suffering on our planet. Suffering is built into the Earth game. After getting our fill, there is a chance we wake up. We can't escape the take. The best we can do is practice reciprocity. When we take, we give back.

I live a good life. Giving back involves service. I have gifts I can share with those who are looking for answers. I can give them knowledge and understanding and steer them in directions which will help them find what it is they are looking for. I've been through the fire and came out the other side. Fulfillment of the spiritual path is the most difficult undertaking of your lifetime, propelling you through challenges and encounters with the darkest of the dark. Making good choices always works out. Once you see the answer to the multitude of tests, you can let go of the fear and find your way.

the serpent power

This study of tantra has opened up a liberating line of thinking. It has led me to experience the chakra energy centres within the subtle body non-linearly instead of treating them as a conceptual ladder of ascension that symbolize achievement of spiritual bona fides. What I mean is all the energy within the body can be experienced and it’s all sacred. Instead of treating the lower chakras such as the second chakra of sexual energy as a gross manifestation of energy that needs to be refined and purified, I was shown that the creative power which sustains life is the direct result of this energy. This knowledge has been staring me in the face and I have been denying it all my life due to cultural hang-ups about sex. Once it was pointed out to me, I immediately connected to this wisdom and felt so free. It does tie into liberation where you let go of your narrative and the hold culture has on you and just sit with what you experience. It’s so natural and yet sexual energy is denied and buried in our culture. It is the rocket boost to send you up on your way in your journey of ascension after unification and transformation.

Another revelation is the nature of each of the chakra energy centres and how we have subsequently organized, structured, and placed them into a hierarchy. Once again, it is through liberation of thought I connected with different ways of perceiving energy. It was pointed out by a teacher that in meditation you don’t experience these states in the order you read about them. I definitely already knew that but and it’s strange this fact had to be pointed out to me so I could register and acknowledge the reality of these vibrational centres. Perhaps I thought I was an outlier? The energy centres are non-linear and can be accessed independently of the others. Quite often in meditation you may find yourself in the higher states and you will notice your access was not a linear and structured progression to get there. First off, I’ve experienced a purple energy, followed by an energy that resembles an eye, as well as a bluish energy encircled by gold speckles. These are the higher spiritual states yet they are what I experience during deep meditation. The lower chakra centres on the ascending scale I have never directly experienced in meditation, though curiously with the plant medicine Huachuma they manifest as smouldering hot red and orange flames of passion that lead to the heart and a green energy becomes palpable. The power experienced is non-linear and it’s our left hemispheric brain which takes a perceptual experience, devoid of a linear defining characteristic, and organizes them into some kind of achievement to be ascended a step at a time. It’s very funny to see the process that the masculine mind tries to overlay upon the non-structured feminine.

As with all attempts of defining experiences on this path, it’s near impossible to fit chakras into a non-linear or linear box. Though I realized I can access their respective vibratory states in a non-linear fashion, the actual linear ladder like climb is the stuff of the masculine hero on his journey of ascension. Each power centre acts as a block on the path and the one that holds your particular predilections is the most arduous of them all to break free of. In my case, I found a dragon that prevented full access to this tree of life however I was able to move past him after developing a little courage and bravery. The second chakra of life passions, desires, lusts, and urges has been my particular bugaboo and the biggest block upon my path. It wasn’t until I understood the vibratory nature of existence that I was able to master this frequency. Onwards towards the third chakra and my egoistic aspirations and personal power. Like all, I have selfishness however I have never exalted myself or tried to take advantage of others for personal gain. The one roadblock I do see in this frequency is spiritual inflation. To put it bluntly, I know I’m god. That’s a tough one to not succumb to inflating one’s outlook upon themselves. I think it’s kind of funny and I know you’re god too so I don’t think I’ll get too stuck. It’s the next chakra, the heart, that I’ll need to spend some time on. Head up and heart forward.

In addition, chakras are dualistic so that each energy centre has a positive and negative charge. For instance, the second chakra can undulate with desire or can express the awesome ability to create. The throat chakra gives you the power of words to use to enchant, influence, or tell the truth. It’s your choice in how you want to use the power bestowed by the flowering of the energy.

As with most experiences on my spiritual journey, I experienced the coming on and rising of the kundalini energy and had no idea what was going on. Looking back on my early experiences with the plant magic of Ayahuasca and Huachuma, I can see how powerful they are for changing consciousness in addition to taking you into states of energetic rapture where it’s trial by fire. Even if I had studied tantric yoga and was intellectually immersed in all outcomes of the psychedelic states, nothing compares to actually being in the eye of the storm. The second time I drank Huachuma, my whole body started vibrating with the energy reaching a crescendo that brought me to my knees. The sensation was this fluttering within that was very strong. Think of a giant moth buzzing behind your ear with a great vibration but that being within your body. I felt my heart opening but wasn’t scared by the effect it was having on my heart. I could very easily see someone thinking they are having a heart attack. Instead, I just stayed on the ground with my whole body in some kind of a pre-orgasmic state. I closed my eyes and saw two huge serpents flanking an incredible ball of intense light. I held out my hands for others to touch so they could feel the energy and someone else wondered what I was experiencing. I blurted out “serpent energy” which was strange because I just said it without thinking. Throughout the rest of the day I was seeing serpent shapes in the ground and cycling in and out of highly energetic states.

I had no idea at the time what happened. I was taken aback by all of it and was even unsure at the time if I should drink Huachuma again. I convinced myself to experience this potentiator of energy a couple days later and looking back I can clearly see what happened. I was blasted into the heart chakra. I sat on the boat on the Amazon river and felt this incredible cosmic bliss. My heart was wide open and I looked up into the sky and this rainbow patch formed. We got off the boats and I felt such love for the tribe we were visiting. I physically started seeing energy manifest all around me and I was confused by this novel experience and spiralled down again. When we returned to the boats I sat beside the shaman don Rober and once again my heart opened but it was so strange. How bizarre that I’d spent my life with a heart so closed that when it was opened I was confused by the sensation. As we returned to the Sanctuary, I looked into the distance and saw manifest heavenly apparitions of fireworks. I now look back on the experience as a celebration of blasting through the energetic chakra centres and then lighting off fireworks at the completion. The funny thing was at the time I had no idea and just wanted off the ride!

The musical scale mimics these energy centres within the body. This is vibrational magic and the expression "good vibes" is not just a trite expression. Changing vibration is how the magic works. In order to access occluded planes of consciousness, alter your vibration. Practice the ability to modulate frequency through love, emotion, music, speech, desire, and the like. Try singing the musical scale now. Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do. Notice how you start deep within and to hit the high note requires you to look towards the top of your head to hit it. It’s a pretty good meditation to sing the ascending scale and then reverse it so the energy descends. Now, notice the rhythm section in a piece of music. It’s a low-level bass and drums. Just like the root chakra, it is the pulse of our life beating out our song.

Within your daily life you can find experiences and practices to further you along on your journey. Obviously, it is impractical to function day to day high on a mind-manifesting substance that changes your vibration so the answer is to make your life the spiritual practice you seek. 

it was always tantra

Little clues always present to me situations which help me to see into the game of suffering. So, here’s the teaching: I play a fantasy baseball game and my team is pretty good. However, when adversity strikes and I’m losing, it gives me a frustrating feeling that I don’t like, especially in the morning if I wake up to failure or bad news. What is interesting is that the failure and bad news for my team is the opposite for my opponent. It’s such a great example of how the suffering in the world works. In order for someone to prosper, someone else has to feel the effects of not getting what they want. If I stop playing these games of one-upmanship then I can bring everything back to net-zero. No pleasure and no pain. The question becomes is that what I want? I get the feeling I/we wouldn’t have manifested if that’s what I/we want. This plane of consciousness is physical duality and it attracts because of the chance for great rewards in a most interesting game. It’s the greatest carnival that has ever existed. It’s the ultimate casino giving you the opportunity to beat the games of chance or perhaps you can use your skills to get ahead and profit off of the suffering of others. They are fair game because they chose to play as well. We are here because we want to be here and experience sensuous duality.

It works similarly with projecting an image of yourself. If someone notices you then chances are they want to become you, possess you, or emulate your life; or alternatively not end up down in the dumps like you if you are depressed or economically disadvantaged. To bask in your awesomeness means taking personal power from someone else. Hey, check out my life, don’t you wish you were me? I have to create an aura of suffering in order to pedestalize myself.

This segues into the next question: What is the reason behind taking a vow of poverty? Why do all the great religious avatars turn away from materialism? In the progression of thought as you come to realize the inescapability of suffering being intertwined with rewards and pleasure, at some point you are faced with a decision that in order to not cause any more suffering would mean essentially that you would no longer seek gain. Poverty is the expression of that sentiment demonstrating you want to escape the game. Knowing that to acquire finite material goods takes away from others, you vow to not participate in activities that will materially enrich you. It's quite the quandary when you realize that the world you have incarnated into demands reconciliation. There’s no escaping this duality of pain and gain.

I didn’t know about this eventual understanding when I embarked upon the spiritual path. I could have sworn my journey would lead me to love, light, and transcendence of my condition. Instead, I get to face the harsh truth of existence. However, I think it’s what I ultimately wanted. I wanted to know. I wonder how liberation can alleviate the pain I see in the world and in the future? Can I take solace in that those who suffer and are feeling this pain is because they haven’t been liberated, think they need more, and haven't accepted the finiteness of the game we are all playing? Is the way out of any predicament you find yourself in thus to not get attached to outcomes that are the result of what you have been told is success? Within your little corner of the earth can anyone just create a life that is simple and fulfilling? Travel is very enlightening in this regard. Comparing your situation to others seems to be where the problems begin and the want to acquire as much material wealth as possible causes the continual suffering. Suffering to yourself and others.

Why is there suffering? Duality and the need to reconcile all acts. I was born into this particular dualistic plane of consciousness with specific senses that will allow me to sink into my desires. The enchantments and addictions are never ending. I constantly seek novelty and another hit of pleasure. If I fully want to go into my desires there are avenues of drugs and like-minded lustful people to satisfy my cravings. It was I who wanted this and so into the world of suffering I incarnated because in order to experience pleasure there has to be the reciprocal pain, so, yes I understand how it works. We all come into this world to experience and be lit up by desire. And even so, we still find present universal love. Sure, we can pervert it and use it to sink further into our desire quest but it is always around as a shining light to help us out of the morass.

Moderation seems to allow you to function in this peculiar world. Let’s be honest, I want the biggest thrill possible. I want to ride that roller-coaster of emotions and experience the highest high. I don’t want the lowest low but I can’t escape it in order to get that high. Moderation also seems to be a way to live in denial of why I incarnated in the first place. I don’t think you’ll get an award or rewards for your exemplary moderation. So, what’s the way to win this game? What’s the way out? I think it’s understanding the relationship between happiness and suffering, pleasure and pain, which leads to an understanding of reconciliation and reciprocity. If you are going to take, you give. Instead of living with moderation where you only take a good amount of food instead of the whole pie, you play net-zero where with each meal taken is given back an exchange of energy. Of course, as a linear thinking man I’d want to micro-manage the exchange and create a scalable system that enforces reciprocity. Ultimately, I think it defeats the purpose. Awareness should get the ball rolling, the opening of your heart will provide the impetus, and a natural desire to give back would be the result.

So, I’m subsequently thinking about planes of consciousness and how it all exists here in the now, everything is with me right here in the middle, but the senses I have been gifted with create my particular world. Psychedelics give you the key to unlock and access a hidden sense perception beyond our ordinary physical senses. The eternal and imperishable beings of love and light I met in an altered state aren’t in some far-off magical land but are here right now with me. I just don’t perceive them with my limited senses. The senses I have are the senses I desired in order that I could fulfill my desires and remain ignorant of planes of consciousness that would prevent me from satiating my many and varied appetites. I wanted to go deep into my lusts and figure out the why and the result of chasing them. Conceptually, I get it! Physically, in this carnival, I long for more cotton candy and another ride on the roller coaster. I don’t know when I’ll give it up or even if I can? I’m aware and I laugh at my predicament. I can watch others fall for the same traps. Hell, of course they do. We all stood in line waiting for a body to inhabit in order to take another ride. Then we create rules to frustrate ourselves. Why not just open it up and make it a free for all? Go right into your desires. I know why - it’s because you’ll infringe on someone else's trip and that’s a no-no. Also, you have to be on the lookout for the control freaks who get their jollies from controlling others. They gravitate towards politics and seek power. These people really suck.

This challenge is unfair. I’m a pulsing bastion of desire. I burn through them only to be confronted and lit up by more. I take the immediate pleasure and try to delay the consequences for as long as possible. Ha ha! I always have to reconcile the pleasure chase! Do I stand back and say, “Nah I’m not doing that; I know the outcome. I’ve been down this road before.” I did that during an Ayahuasca journey. I was repeatedly offered women for my pleasure and I declined. Instead, I said I’m going to stand back and watch it all unfold. Perhaps that me was helping me out. Dionysos teaches the same lesson. Stand back and observe the madness, even join back into the clown world but don’t get trapped and you won’t if you see through the game. Life is a game of enchantment and spells, moving from one to the other, always in search of more novelty, another mountain to climb, until you tire of it. Have I tired of it? I’m getting there. What do I desire? More knowledge I can transmute into understanding. Is that really a desire? Probably. I can’t escape.

Energy that pulses ostensibly with desire is what gives life. When desire wanes, you have death and a rest in peace getting ready for the next adventure. Life is desire and the games we play are a check on eternal boredom. This plane of consciousness is sacred and the grand carnival we all take a turn at. We don’t go every day, however, a trip once a summer is good. When it gets out of hand it leads towards destruction. If I can destroy myself I won’t have to face the ups and downs of that roller-coaster again in this lifetime. I keep forgetting how painful it is and lineup for the next ride and the thrill of it all.

There is a strange split in the pleasure/pain dichotomy in that the pain lasts way longer than the pleasure. In order to keep the pleasure going demands resources, while the pain is free. When regret sinks in we use attachment to dull its effects. The pull for pleasure is so strong we take the risk and live with the consequences. We are an impulsive species always living for the thrill of the moment and having to pay for it later. This behaviour is a clue into our makeup and of course why we are here in the physical world craving the gratification of sensual pleasures available in this meat carnival. It has to be the explanation why each and every one of us are here therefore you can look into everyone’s eyes and say, “You dirty rotten scoundrel. I know why you are here! You’re in search of pleasure just like I am and want to get your fill before departing once again. What an interesting game and character you’re playing so I don’t see through it! How degenerate and disgusting we all really are." Ha ha! There’s nothing to do but laugh and tip your cap to the master dramatist Dionysos.

The reality of it all is I’m in the physical plane with a bunch of degenerates. We were all attracted by the bright lights of the incarnation because we haven’t totally gorged on our sensual fill yet. It’s like the circus that comes to town once a year with the rides and games of chance. It’s exciting and against our better judgment we head off to the centre of town to join in the fun with everyone else. We fill up on cotton candy and the dodgy rides make us a little queasy. A candy apple later and we have a stomach ache. We empty our pockets on games of chance even though we knew it was a losing proposition. We end the day by watching the circus freaks. How macabre.

Incarnating into this world where you have to eat others to survive is also macabre. There’s no getting around it either! It’s part of the game rules we agreed to. We try and skirt the issue by only eating plants with the caveat the vegetarian is likely to become ultra-spiritual, do western yoga, and realize the intelligence of plants thus confronted once again by having to eat fellow sentient beings.

I create a persona to try and hide the fact I’ve incarnated into the sensuous world as a satyr, seeking pleasure, and trying to moderate the pain. I join outfits that paint me as a respectable member of human society, misdirection I suppose, and if the realization of my hedonism gets to me I might just join the church which promises to forgive and save me from the inner guilt that I like pleasure and rewards. It’s all too funny. Why do I care that my motivation is pleasure and think I’m being judged for it by others who can play a similar game of obfuscation of why they are truly here in this strange world? It’s been a long time coming to finally accept this paradigm. I think I did realize it at some point when I tried to escape my predicament. I tried the ascetic life; I stopped eating meat; and I dropped the consumption of alcohol. I didn’t go around posting social media blurbs about my newfound awesomeness however I was quite proud of the straw house of purity I created until the big bad wolf came around and blew the walls down.

How truly bizarre this world is especially now that I can look into the eyes of my fellow incarnated souls in this carnival and know deep down their motivation for being here. It truly is what we wanted and the universe always fulfills what we want. I guess the advice is to be careful what you wish for because as beings of desire you will get what you want. We all wanted this opportunity; the game rules were given to us with no guarantees. No one really likes a game with a predetermined outcome so there had to be an element of chance; the possibility you may end up in a war-torn shithole you had to crawl out of. I got a pretty good roll of the celestial dice and ended up a white, middle class male in the best country on earth! I’ve done well with it and figured out the game. Time to give some of it back and be of service. The Great Goddess teaches me about being true of speech and action. There is something to be said about the saying that the truth shall set you free. Eventually, when you look into her mirror enough times, you drop the act, and see it. It’s liberating to understand, with the corollary I don’t have to beat myself up anymore for my failures that are only inadequacies because of culture. I’m just here getting my fill of desire in this physical world designed to make it all happen, just for you. Enough trips to the carnival and I see it; it was bound to happen.

Bon Appétit!

This was a long post intended to reconcile desire. I now fully understand sexual desire leads to creating new forms, which is the weaving together of energetic patters, and that is the fundamental nature of Tantra. Without the root desire to enable the creation of form, the desire inherent in all energetic being would have no playground in which to fulfill, well, their desires. 

black sheep

As you progress along the myriad of spiritual paths available to the seeker, you will come across obstacles in your way ostensibly set up as roadblocks to your liberation. These roadblocks are human-made; they are either cultural cautions of where you are allowed to explore or subtle admonitions shepherding you onto a path that is not of your own making. The shepherd will throw out a bunch of terms to confuse, such as "spiritual materialism" and you have no idea what they are talking about. So, you research it and figure well, they must know about this pitfall so I’ll follow them because they know what it is all about; they are fully realized spiritual beings! Of course, they don’t really know much more than you; they are just collecting followers. That’s what a shepherd does - he or she collects sheep and turns a profit on them.

A shepherd has got skin in the game because of the personal rewards. They may come to love their sheep and will do anything for them but the underlying reason for being a shepherd isn’t altruism. It’s because of a need to earn a living and being a shepherd is a pretty noble way to transform this reality into something good. Spiritual materialism refers to activities that lead fundamentally towards wealth creation. Along the path is an increase in one’s ego because of achievement such as being a star at meditation or getting a certificate that says you’re enlightened. Okay, I don’t think there is a place that gives out those certificates but I’ve always thought it to be a really funny idea. Spiritual materialism can also refer to monetizing your holiness through books and lectures as well attracting as many followers as possible and cashing in on that list.

I’m more interested in this new term I’ve just coined called "cultural spirituality." What do I mean by this? Well, glad you asked. What I mean is there're avenues of spiritual exploration that are sanctioned by the culture you live in and there are also the taboo paths. Christianity is the gold standard of acceptable spiritual pursuits in western civilization. This institution will ensnare most who have an awakening and subsequently you will concede your new found awakening to a third party who has been fully vetted by the guardians of culture. So, your path is to do the religious thing influenced by culture. Find Jesus. Too sophisticated for that? Go for the eclectic Eastern disciplines. The eastern paths such as Buddhism offer a more intellectual route towards spiritual fulfillment. It is mixed in with meditation and yoga; activities that have been totally watered down and salted within the confines of western culture. For lunch I can get a Buddha bowl and later snack on some prana chips. Us humans are so funny. Go all in on the holy path. Holy robes and let the light in. Learn the postures. Read the pop-spiritual books. Ah “The Alchemist!” Search the internet and ask, "What you selling?" Talk with others about the accepted teachers. Deepak Winfrey! Go for it all: Become a renunciate and an ascetic. They are all traps. They are all obstacles in your path.

I’m the black sheep. I don’t know why but ever since I can remember I have been a contrarian. Whatever is the in-thing or the expected route to take, I always want to go explore the other side or at least question what I am being fed. If someone tries to tell me what is the truth I try and figure out what they are hiding or who they are and how they are planning to deceive me. If they denigrate an activity eventually I’ll get around to exploring why that is? All the avenues of cultural spirituality I never fell for because I see through them. For some, it’s all they need and I’m cool with that; no judgment here. You do you and I’ll do me.

For example, the tantric path is mostly forbidden. I say mostly because it’s tolerated but relegated to the fringe. I reckon it works however the caveat is you’d get so lost in your hedonism you wouldn’t find your way out without an exemplary teacher, so you’d have to find someone you implicitly trust before embarking upon that left-hand path of indulgence. All in all, tantra raises eyebrows and gets tongues wagging but it isn’t taboo.

I know what’s taboo. It’s easy to figure out because the one constant in all spiritual paths is to seek and head for the light. We tie pagan customs of the re-birth of the light left for dead at the winter solstice into the Christian birth of our saviour. These mythological stories of the light being victorious over the darkness are found in all cultures, past and present. So, the lesson at hand is to put on your contrarian hat and figure out what’s off-limits. It’s the darkness! We give it names like hell and put a ruler over it called the Devil and leave it at that. It’s taboo to explore the darkness and it would be quite scandalous to entertain a spiritual path based upon the dark lord. That would definitely have to be kept on the down low; like an after-hours club for spiritual seekers.

Shouldn’t it be on the menu though? To honestly explore is to examine all nature and facets of consciousness and the darkness is quite neglected even though psychologically we know it is the hidden force that directs our lives. The discipline of psychology cloaks it in highfalutin concepts such as the id and assigns it an animal nature hell bent upon desire fulfillment. As a society, we have outlets to channel these destructive and anti-social impulses so they don’t cause too much havoc. As a last resort, or now too common as a first response, we have pills that will numb consciousness so that the rumblings from deep within can be buried even further.

One of the most exciting things to come out of my entry into the spiritual path scene is that I question everything and like to play at the edge of prejudice. The universe was keenly aware that eventually I would get around to questioning this constant shepherding towards the light. Whatcha hiding? It couldn’t keep me away. I’ve seen in. I scared myself silly and ran upon first glimpse. The biggest spiritual block I’ve encountered on this path is desire that originates in this darkness. I’ve tried abstinence, renunciation, and I’ve embraced it. It bubbles up from the darkness before boiling over. I reckon the only way to find the answer I seek is to go fully into this darkness and embrace the teachings of the master. Talk about taboo. Here’s my condensed story of how I got to this place:

I know I will get there. I don’t even know where there is. All my life I have been able to figure out whatever I put my mind to. I’ve answered the questions of life that I had been curious about. This path I have travelled has expanded my consciousness to the point where I can see it all, drink it in, and get the answers to eternal questions. The current block on my path was related to desire. It took a long time to get past its hold. Small victories and ignominious defeats. The constant failure taxed my psychological well-being. I could feel the depression coming and the waves of despair threatening my mental health. However, I knew I would get past it; I always do.

I sat with this feeling last night and reminded myself what a bad motherfucker I am. I know what I did. I know you won’t believe me when I tell you what I did. On this path, I ventured into the jungle wilderness and altered my consciousness in the dead of night. At one point when I did this I met a really scary and bad demon; the baddest of the bunch, well you know who, and this frightened me beyond anything you could ever imagine. He chased me away and then chased me all the way home. My cultural cudgel, Jesus, offered a couple times to help but I declined. Sorry JC, I got this. Diablo continued pummelling me while at home and came in for the final death blow. I slowly learned to fight back and at one point I had the nerve to do something that I look back on and think what chutzpah I had. What balls! One night, I conducted this ceremony to summon him and then when I knew he was present I told him I was going to cut his motherfucking head off! We had another throw down after that and I was jacked. I wanted to keep fighting.

I went back to the jungle wilds and he was waiting for me. I sat in that ceremony and took all the blows to the head. He threatened me with death and I said kill me if you must, I’m not veering off my path. I survived. I got one up on him. I locked him out. I was so successful I convinced him I had it in me to not only take his life course but succeed at the top of the class. My outlook on life changed from being a meek man to someone who was a fighter of no compare. I transformed into a jaguar in a subsequent ceremony because I was the king of my domain. Instead of fighting the darkness, I now became his student. The class is a constant challenge and he tells me he is forging steel. Things will get hot and it's not for the weak. I had to remind myself last night how strong I am and that I can do this. I need to let go of behaviours that make me weak and instead take hold of my destiny.

When I figured out his identity I was shocked at first; I had to sit with it a couple days but then came acceptance because I knew deep down it was true. I had been trying to deny the knowledge for a while even though it was staring me right in the face.

I know power can change you for the worse and I’ve been very cautious with it. This fire burns within me; it’s intense and it comes forth and needs an outlet. When I drink Huachuma, it's coursing through me. It’s my teacher enveloping me and I’m him. Gobs of power lighting me up. Do it, reach out and take it. I get that message sometimes but I’m reluctant. He has told me about this power. I’ve earned it. I took on that bad man and came out the other side, still intact. He says it’s mine. Take it. You can handle it. What would society think of that if I fully owned it - the power and its source? I seek knowledge so I’m not afraid of being corrupted by the temptation to power I see. All the answers I seek are in that abyss that awaits me and I don’t intend to be sidetracked by power that would derail my caravan. My intention is pretty clear at this point and I’m ready to make the leap and fall into the downward spiral to get there. I’ll be alright; I always am.

What is the truth of what I’m dealing with? Organized religion engages in deceiving people in order to obtain wealth and power. I know a favourite tactic of sociopaths are to accuse your perceived enemy of the traits that describe your personality in order to mask your own unpleasantness. It works because you acknowledge you are aware of these character flaws and of course if you had them you would see them in your actions and therefore being a good person, you would change these bad behaviours. If you need examples of how this successfully works just follow politics. My personal favourites are the autocratic governments that call their country the “Republic of” or “Democratic People of”. It’s quite stunning to see it at work and how whole swaths of the populace fall for this tactic. Anyway, I bring this up because if you really want to see the inner workings of the Christian church just examine all the traits they assign to Satan and you will understand the underbelly of the church and its sins. If the church was holy and pure their words would ring true. Instead, it makes you question who really is the great deceiver?

I’m not chasing power and I stood up for myself in the face of great adversity. Respect is earned and in turn it lifts the veil. Though shocked by what you may uncover it’s what feeds me. I’m excited to continue on down this road towards the adventures that beckon and await my exploration.

desire primer

Alan Watts once told me, “Problems that remain persistently insoluble should always be suspected as questions asked in the wrong way.” I have been struggling with one such question which is how do I transcend desire? I have tried everything. I tried asceticism and I became a renunciate of all worldly pleasures. When these methods only temporarily worked and postponed the inevitable return, I tried the path of tantra and embraced all my desires. Out of all the paths I tried, tantra seem the most natural however going into the nature of my desires did not allow me to transcend them. The path of the tantric is to eventually transcend desire because you play it all out to its conclusion. You get your fill and are then ready for your beatitude. However, I’m positive you will just find new desires. You can play the part of the hermit on the mountain under the old adage, “out of sight, out of mind.” It will work to a degree however you’re just running out the clock on desires. You transcended nothing.

I’ve embraced my shadow over the last year and from this liaison have entered into a student/teacher relationship. Instead of giving me all the lessons at once and overwhelming me, I get a few at a time which allows me to process them little by little and move on to the next lesson at hand. The teachings include the nature of self, culture, and power. He has taught me who he is and how he became perceived as such. It’s fascinating stuff and I recommend getting in touch with your darkness and starting a dialogue. Because we have buried him deep, non-ordinary methods may be required to start the conversation. Anyway, I have been struggling with desire pretty much all my life and since I’m in this life class I was hoping to eventually take the course on desire and learn from the master how to transcend it. After repeatedly getting beat down by failure to live up to my intention of freeing myself from desire and watching my teacher laugh as I miserably succumbed over and over again, I finally had to ask, "Why can’t I transcend desire?"

My teacher had let me come to the journey’s end. He let me exhaust all avenues and see the futility of the quest. He reminded me of Alan’s quote and then left me to figure out the answer on my own. It was pretty easy once I connected the dots. I can’t transcend desire because I am desire. Ha ha I got myself good. I’m smart enough to realize I can’t transcend myself. I can transcend identity; I can shed the idea of who I am but from this I’m left with a biological form just birthed from the mother’s womb. Who is that? It’s desire come forth, reconstituting itself into a new form in order to chase desires and make more forms. Of course, as the coming forth of desire into this macabre carnival called life, I’m easily addicted, hypnotized, enchanted, and fall for seduction with ease. That’s what desire does. And when desire tires of the lure, Eros looks for the next adventure to leave him spellbound.

We created all needs and wants in order to play a high brow derivation of the canine game of chase because as desire it gives us a hit of pleasure to get rewarded with a successful outcome of the game. This in turn creates suffering when we don’t get what we want. Is this what we want? The chase, the quest, the suffering to propel us along, the capture, and then the boredom and strife so we can move on to a new adventure. I think so. Imagine always getting what you want and fulfilling every desire. Once again here’s Alan:

If you awaken from this illusion and you understand that black implies white, self implies other, life implies death (or shall I say death implies life?), you can feel yourself not as a stranger in the world, not as something here on probation, not as something that has arrived here by fluke but you can begin to feel your own existence as absolutely fundamental. I am not trying to sell you on this idea in the sense of converting you to it, I want you to play with it. I want you to think of its possibilities, I am not trying to prove it. I am just putting it forward as a possibility of life to think about. So then, let’s suppose that you were able every night to dream any dream you wanted to dream, and that you could, for example, have the power within one night to dream 75 years of time, or any length of time you wanted to have. And you would, naturally, as you began on this adventure of dreams, you would fulfill all your wishes. You would have every kind of pleasure you could conceive. And after several nights of 75 years of total pleasure each you would say, “Well that was pretty great. But now let’s have a surprise, let’s have a dream which isn’t under control, where something is gonna happen to me that I don’t know what it's gonna be.” And you would dig that and would come out of that and you would say, “Wow that was a close shave, wasn’t it?” Then you would get more and more adventurous and you would make further and further out gambles what you would dream. And finally, you would dream, where you are now. You would dream the dream of living the life that you are actually living today.

My fondness for Alan Watts is part in part because of my relationship with my shadow. Like my shadow, Alan is the joker; the self-styled philosophical entertainer with a love of good food, wine, women, and song. Alan knew of all the spiritual paths and yet stayed clear of committing to any of them. He saw the truth of the situation and didn’t require a discipline. If you are it why would you need a path?

One more from the genius of Alan Watts about desire:

So anyway, then, this is a drama... I'm not trying to sell you on this idea in the sense of converting you to it; I want you to play with it. I want you to think of its possibilities. I'm not trying to prove it, I'm just putting it forward as a possibility of life to think about. So then, this means that you're not victims of a scheme of things, of a mechanical world, or of an autocratic god. The life you're living is what you have put yourself into. Only you don't admit it, because you want to play the game that it's happened to you. In other words, I got mixed up in this world; I had a father who got hot pants over a girl, and she was my mother, and because he was just a horny old man, and as a result of that, I got born, and I blame him for it and say, "Well that's your fault; you've got to look after me," and he says, "I don't see why I should look after you; you're just a result." But let's suppose we admit that I really wanted to get born, and that I was the ugly gleam in my father's eye when he approached my mother. That was me. I was desire.

We are desire and we have the ability to stack the deck in our favour in order to make all our dreams come true. We have been playing the game long enough we don’t want determinative outcomes anymore and thus here we are.

heaven or hell

Huachuma is a gift of divine grace. To go further into this statement is to say that when you learn to work with the medicine then you realize that to receive the gift is to approach life heart forward. I did listen to the plants and they taught me about heaven and hell in relationship to being in the heart and being in the head. Huachuma means removal of the head and when you lead with the heart then the beauty in the world is front and centre. The relationships you cultivate with other sentient beings and the natural world becomes charged and in some instances ecstatic. The grace comes from realizing this and harmonizing your energy field with another's energy field whether that is human, animal, plant, or mineral. The transactional exchange from this joining opens up a whole new world for you to explore. We make our world and there is magic. There is so much more to this life than what we normally perceive. The harmonization of energy fields is extraordinary to experience; beyond anything I ever imagined.

In addition to learning how to work with the medicine in the heart space comes the epiphany. It is the channeling of the supernatural which has happened enough now that I feel and recognize when it comes. I realize that to write about this may lead to raised eyebrows and others wondering who do I think I am, if not flat out wondering if I’m crazy. I’ll accept that but I’d be disingenuous if I did not write about these peculiar experiences I have while altering my consciousness. Huachuma envelops me and alters my frequency to such an extent I vibrate into a consciousness that goes beyond the ordinary confines of this reality. If it was a one off occurrence I’d question the whole trip and chalk it up to an experience that was different that I’d like to do again but am not sure I could. With Huachuma I know I can get into this state with a few prerequisites that involve a large enough dose and a particular set and setting.

This particular trip to Peru was a whole new consistent and elevated experience while drinking Huachuma. In total I participated in six ceremonies: two in the jungle based at SpiritQuest and then four in the Andes mountains around the towns of Chavín and Huaraz. My work on acceptance of myself during the four Ayahuasca ceremonies preceding were the most important events leading up to my experience with Huachuma this time around. The acceptance of the light and the dark all as me and me alone allowed me to throw off the chains of culture and any shame or misgivings I had towards my passions and desires that animate my existence. To not send them away repeatedly allowed me to explore them, to be honest, and play with them. Instead of suppressing them and then having them transform into bursts of pent up and uncontrollable energy that is the norm for myself and the world condition, I saw that the key to a healthy relationship with your dark side is to acknowledge, express, and release the energy before it transforms into an uncontrollable darkness and rage. Stomping upon desire ferments it and it comes back stronger. Ignoring it maximizes its potency and when the lid on the pot blows it is uncontrollable.

This blog post will cover my time in the jungle at SpiritQuest drinking Huachuma. I’m going to be honest about what I experienced so with that in mind approach this with an open mind before passing judgment on my sanity and depravity.

Day 11, Sunday February 23rd

The first Huachuma mesada is today, led by don Howard’s daughter Selva. I go into it leaving all expectations behind and my main intention is to explore the mental reality of creation and its relationship to dreams. My contention is that we are living in the dream of a higher being that is exploring their psyche through the universe they have dreamt into existence and this dream world is an extension of the cosmic dreamer attempting to self-reflect. Similarly we dream in order to look into our psyche. I’m going to explore this through the power within Huachuma to take me into the aspects of the dreaming mind with the aid of my ally Mapacho.

The Huachuma mesadas here at SpiritQuest are the best kept secret on planet earth. Experiencing the power of Huachuma once again leaves me in awe and perplexed at how something so heart opening that brings on continued exclamations of “this is the best day of my life” has not gone viral.

The sheer mastery of the mesa and command today of the water mesada by Selva was the stuff of legend. Parker told me she was extraordinary but I think he undersold her. This stunningly beautiful goddess in the don Howard tradition of the Mesada Norte stares you down in preparation for your turn to drink the medicine with a searing gaze that is backed by the power of 10,000 suns. The mastery of the rhythms of the Huachuma bells and feathers is next level as your consciousness alters. I felt so light as to start levitating at the head of the mesa prior to drinking the cup.

Before heading up to the mesa Selva reminded me to get out of my head and into my heart as she correctly intuited I hadn’t quieted the mind sufficiently. It had been almost two and a half years since I drank Huachuma and the taste was a great deal better than I remember it; a little syrupy but I had no problem downing the full cup. Within a half hour the effects came on strong and I knew it was going to be a powerful day working with the medicine. We headed out on the boats to visit a local tribe and I sang my heart out on the boat, fully embracing the heart opening aspects of Huachuma and the energy engulfed me as we arrived at the home of the Alamas tribe. The walk to their maloca got the energy fully moving and it continued as a group of us continued along a path through the local town. We stopped for some contraband, a man on a bike selling frozen fruit you eat like a popsicle, which was a piece of heaven for us that had been on a strict Ayahuasca dieta for over a week now.

Not wanting to litter and also share my bounty, I gave away half the popsicle to a young tribal boy along the path as our small group laughed and enjoyed each others' company during this time of social interaction that had been amplified by the synergistic qualities of Huachuma. As we arrived back in their maloca, the energy came on in full force as I ceased moving about and just felt the presence of Huachumita. I closed my eyes and felt the creeping tendrils of various vines and plants encase me. I have felt this before and now with experience I knew first off to recognize this when it comes and embrace this sacred epiphany of the coming god and my transformation into being a conduit for this energy. My body was heating up and I felt an electrical warmth pulsing within that terminated at my extremities. Arcing energy I could feel emanating from my finger tips.

Based upon my sum total of experiences, I finally connected all the dots. This is the god called Dionysos coming on from my depths enveloping me and I am becoming him. I confirmed this by starting to see representations of the god in patterns of the dirt which were unmistakably the liberator. I felt the need to let go of who I think I am and just accept who I am and once I did this a feeling of liberation washed over me. I sat down and felt the pure energy just totally engulf me. It grew stronger around my heart and started to flutter and buzz like I have felt once before when I had visions of serpents and this incredible and glorious light the second time I had ever drank Huachuma and at the time I was freaked out by it. This time I fully recognized it as a more sustained and pronounced kundalini energy being sourced from my heart chakra. I held out my hand for this woman beside me to touch and hold and she felt it surging and was so taken aback by this she point blank asked me if I was god. Ha ha I said you now know my secret! It was all so strange because I had felt the coming of the god Dionysos just a few moments before. The energy continued to course through me and I got up and walked around the centre of the maloca with her to try and dissipate some of the energy. I ended up sitting down between Parker and a staff member Augusta who has amazing Pachamama energy in order to try and ground myself. I walked around some more until I found Selva and I held out my hand for her so she could feel my energy and she smiled at me as her energy was in alignment with mine. She looked into my eyes and said “You look so good right now.”

Something strong and powerful was going on letting me know there is a next level to this medicine which is otherworldly that I was confirming in this first ceremony and was now something I could channel whenever I drink Huachuma. I envisioned refining this energy into a pure and controllable amount that defined the majestic and graceful sweeping movements of the butterfly. That is perfection come alive.

The boat ride back to SpiritQuest was a leisurely cruise that added to the whole living a lifetime in a day vibe.

Back at the sanctuary a shower felt so good and gave me a reprieve from the coursing serpent energy. We went up to the Star Deck and I immediately found don Howard in the night time sky as the brightest object in the heavens. The last time I saw him in November of 2017 I told him as I departed that the next time I see him it will be as the brightest shining object in the sky. As prophesied it all happened at that very moment. So surreal. I had a good ten minute talk with him. He is ecstatic not having a body and so proud of his daughter and Parker. I told him to save some of his wisdom and guidance for when I join him in the heavens. I remembered him saying at one time in reference to his deteriorating condition, “where do you think I’m going brother?” The answer was shockingly simple. The stars were electric, the Pleiades that house the smiling jaguar were 3D extruded, and I felt don Howard had cleared out a patch of sky to give us a celestial show. Selva and Parker then put on a performance for everyone around the Lanzon that was another tour de force in this magical evening. The mastery of sound and smoke was breathtaking and I felt my consciousness lifted up once again. We returned to the maloca and gathered around the mesa taking turns at the head of the mesa. Trance music was playing and I was deep into it. I was first up at the head of the axis mundi and felt the power of the mesa and projected that power. I entered beast mode and just emanated this freedom to be me. Fuck I’m so powerful! As I moved around the mesa I got into the rhythms of the music being played and stayed in my heart having a glorious time. We then retired to the dining maloca at 10pm for a feast. What a ceremony! We talked until 1am and then Parker and I went back to the Huachuma maloca to further de-energize and soak up as much of the experience as possible. Parker asked me about the experience and I explained it was mind blowing. The energy was off the charts the whole day and Selva is truly the Queen of the Jungle! She’s been doing this how long? I ended up in bed around 2am but didn’t sleep at all; instead I just let the energy flow and dissipate. It was truly an ineffable experience and just the first in a memorable sequence of Huachuma lifetimes in a day.

The energy the whole day and night was so tangibly present and becoming a conduit for it actually leads into my intention of exploring the energy that powers creation through mentation. I hardly had a thought in my head the whole day and was just in the body and heart with this ridiculous energy the whole time. This energy had sexual overtones but wasn’t overt at this time. I know there’s an element of lust that makes up this energy that powers all and I’m constantly aware of the sexual nature of existence especially in the jungle setting where it is pretty much in your face all the time as you can’t miss the continuous cycle of creation and destruction ever present on an accelerated basis as compared to my normal environment which is very seasonal. There was something present in the energy that felt like home. I understood it to be me but just on an attenuated scale that was potentiated by the medicine in combination with factors such as set and setting. I felt so liberated to finally express who I truly am after a lifetime of holding it in and I felt I no longer had to hide behind a persona I had crafted to avert the gaze of society. I felt this freedom to just embrace myself and live a life in accordance to my true self.

The couple of times I did enter into my mind I quickly came out of it and any delusions did not get far. That seems to be a pattern with Huachuma where if I think then it leads to delusion. The key is to be present and drink in all that is here now. It goes back to the meaning of the word Huachuma as removal of the head. From this insight I started receiving answers to questions I had posed seeking knowledge and guidance. The way to stay high and in a state of bliss is to lead with the heart and be yourself. Every time you enter into the head, start thinking, and let culture dictate who you are then you come down. As a corollary to this being in the heart space allows you to realize heaven on earth. Thinking, analyzing, projecting, and spinning thoughts in the mind will take you to hell. It’s all your choice.

Huachuma has been described as living a lifetime in a day or as the longest shortest day of your life. The lessons and moments of unfathomable bliss do indeed favour those assessments. It occurred to me that writing about the experience is akin to writing an autobiography. Not only that but it is a template for the rest of the story of your life. Huachuma gives you a taste of how you want to write the autobiography from here on in. It’s a priceless gift and like I said a gift of divine grace.

Day 12, Monday February 24th

I’m starting to reflect on this journey as I hit the halfway point of my sojourn. The message that is getting through to me the most is if you want to be happy then be yourself. I have realized that to be liberated is to throw off the shackles of culture and conformity and just be true to who you are. Expectations of role and function crush your soul and essence. Why do I have to be what somebody else or society wants me to be?

Another message has been about the mind. My mind has always been my go to and consequently my master. I have always listened to and trusted my mind and it leads me down the path of conformity and success. That’s not what I want though. I want to be happy and just naturally high. I realized finally that I feel awkward and self-conscious when I engage the mind. To find liberation from this nonsense is to live through the heart and not dwell so much in the mind. Turn the mind into a trusted servant but not the conductor of the human experience. To be in bliss is to not think.

The path to this realization is difficult because we believe that the answers will be delivered by the mind and its engagement with other minds. How preposterous is that? You are going to use your mind to find liberation from your mind? Seriously, that is never going to happen. I’m telling you if you want to live in bliss become a simpleton. Leave your mind at work and live happily at home in your heart.

Ram Dass tells a story about his guru Maharaji who kept a journal and wrote two pages in it everyday. When Maharaji passed away a trusted confidant was given his journal and Ram Dass asked to see it. Written everyday were two pages of “ram, ram, ram, ram, ram…” and so on. As well Ram Dass would relate that Maharaji would sit with his blanket and his counting beads just mumbling to himself, “ram, ram, ram, ram, ram…” all day long. I figured this was devotional. Maharaji was in a perpetual state of bliss and just naturally high. How’d he do it? He assigned his mind a never-ending task. The mind loves tasks and can’t refuse the challenge. So off to work the mind went and Maharaji, no longer a servant to that mind, lived in his heart in a perpetual state of bliss.

Day 13, Tuesday February 25th

Setting intentions today is to become a simpleton. Removal of the head and to live from the heart space is paramount. Also I intend to soak up the beauty of the jungle and to absorb its rhythms. There’s no need to think but to show gratitude. As always my offering is to be of service and help others find the liberation they seek.

To fully explain the experience of this blessed day I’d need to bottle it up and just share it because it is pure feelings and not words.

We started the ceremony at high noon and my intuition suggested I’d be one of the first to drink instead of the last. And so it was; score one for my gut feelings. The god came on strong and I knew I’d be in for another wild ride. I was well into the medicine at the conclusion of the the opening ceremony. I went back to my room for a brief period and jotted a few things down which in their raw form are pretty revealing of what I was feeling.

“I don’t think it matters anymore what day it is.”

“The ceremony: smouldering!”

“Here comes Dionysos."

“Live in the head, it’s hell.”

“Live in the heart, it’s heaven.”

On the boats heading off to the main Amazon river to visit the Murui Huitoto tribe I was so into the medicine and as high as the clouds. I was flooded with two sayings that summed up my bliss of forgetting who I was and how I was expected to act:

“Kill yourself in order to live.”

“The pious can go to hell.”

My intention revolved around learning now to stay in that high and loving state all the time. I sure got that answer and more all laid out for me. When I drank in the beauty of nature, of friendship, of the awareness of the wonderful world around me I was drunk in that state of bliss. When I engaged the mind at all it was clear that was the hell world. My thoughts went dark, I came down, I worried about the future, I wondered if I had the strength to complete this journey and so on. It was very unsettling. It was clear that it was a choice whether to live in hell or heaven and not even all that difficult a choice. Hey you! Give your mind a rest. The old “Be Here Now” choice; just live in awareness without spinning any thoughts or ideas.

The boat ride did not disappoint but then again when has it ever?

What a privilege to be able to partake of this experience and to do this multiple times. How does humanity not know about this? Why do we live lives of strife and separation when this is available? To open your heart and have this love and connection for everything is it. To feel, I mean really feel. This experience of life doesn’t get any better than this moment. How could you disparage and trivialize this experience? This is what, as feeling human beings, it is all about. Don’t you want to be flooded with love and feel what it's like to live in that state? The scenery was popping and I could see the face of the god everywhere in the trees. I put on my headphones and started listening to my Huachuma playlist. I had previously left off on a track called ‘Warrior’ by Anilah. Immediately I heard the line “Reasoning lets go” and I was reminded of don Howard being fond of saying there are no coincidences. In order to see the beauty, unity, and feel the love yes reasoning has to let go! I so love this world and this experience with Huachumita! We hit the open water of the massive Amazon river and the clouds came alive. The face of Dionysos formed in the clouds and then a part of the song belted out the line, “Warriors live gracefully” as eagles soared above in the sky, majestically gliding about as if part of a celestial army. We passed by some oil wells and I felt sorry for those dedicated to money and greed and thus entrapped in the hell world. I then saw a cloud in the shape of a bull as the god and so I flashed a bull’s sign with my two outer fingers representing the horns of the bull.

The idea of play came and just living for the moment formed with the idea that “you have to kill yourself in order to live” denoting that the persona you created has to go and you have to be true to your real self in order to be happy and live. This tied in with my Ayahuasca journeys where it was repeatedly revealed to me that my obfuscated dark side and desires are an essential part of the real me. Then I had the realization that those stuck in the predicament of creating a pious persona on some kind of a spiritual mission are really in a self-created righteous and judgmental hell and I came up with the line, “the pious can go to hell” which I thought was pretty funny. The god has enveloped me and he taught me about liberation, following your passions, living in the heart space, and loving all. I realized that all the world that lives in the mind created hell would be aghast at this advice and would call this hedonism and demonic. However it is the path to happiness and heaven on earth.

Feel the ecstasy. Give yourself up to wild abandon. Find connection with others instead of reasons to stay isolated.

The walk through the streets of the Amazonian town we had docked at and on through the jungle became the lesson today of living in the head space to which I struggled with for a while but it was a worthwhile lesson because it amped up how living mind first is fucking hell. It brings you crashing down from your high and I wanted to tell everyone to stop thinking so much; get out of the self-imposed hell world and through this you will always find your way back home and bliss. I knew Huachumita was as strong as ever because I started noticing shapes coming alive in the sidewalks and then figures forming in the dirt.

We reached the Murui Huitoto’s enchanted stream and within no time a bunch of us were in the water enjoying its cooling caress. It was a return to the Garden of Eden as I floated on my back and looked up into the trees and sky and saw a beautiful sight while many butterflies came within view, riding the wind almost on cue to celebrate that I had found the key to heaven.

The heat and intensity of the medicine was taken down by the coolness of the water however I still felt the waves of its powerful energy engulf me. Let me try to explain this energy: I’d close my eyes and intense waves of pleasure and lust would take me over and my feelings were inundated with extreme passion. Serpents filled my inner visions, lighting up in different colours as the rising kundalini serpent power penetrated all my chakras. This particular red colour filled my vision; it was a red I’d seen in Ayahuasca visions that was related to the sexual energy of the Goddess. This red was pulsing and I felt it within my whole body; thankful for being in the water so that I could experience it without melting down. It was like the energy pulsing within me had found a match and this created a harmonization I experienced as pure lust. I have been taken aback before by this energy not knowing what to think of it. This time however I just went with it and enjoyed the sensations. It’s all part of the process of acceptance and realizing this power I have within and it confirmed what I had suspected for a long time. At one point while just experiencing this raw energy I believed I could go underwater and not have to breathe for a while because the energy in my blood was so strong.

We had a cultural exchange with the tribe and then headed back to the boats.

The boat ride was pretty special as I comforted a woman having a tough time with the medicine as I remembered and fulfilled my promise to be of service. Later when the stars came out in the clear sky they were majestic and legendary in their grandeur. Two things that always wow me without fail in the Huachuma ecstasy are music and the night time sky. Back at the maloca, Selva prepared a three stage singado: for medicine, love, and protection which involves insufflation of a liquid preparation of Huachuma, Mapacho, Misha, and perfume which is always a tough ceremony, especially for first timers. Everyone got through the three rounds of it which was mighty impressive and something I’d never seen before. We then gathered around the mesa and blew into different pututus while taking turns at the axis mundi with a belt of stones representing unconditional love to light up the seven chakras.

We all blew our hearts out into those musical shells in support of a long life for the person at the head of the mesa. It was a ceremony that once again forged us all into such a tightly knit group. We feasted once again and then went up to the Star Deck to stargaze well late into the night. The spectacular display of stars were so clear and present in the sky while the planets were all ringed like Saturn. I soaked up as much of the energy as I could.

This ceremony felt like the culmination of tantric teachings where I learned when you get into the heart space and harmonize with all the energies in creation you feel a special connection and this is expressed in the passion and lust that all coalesces at one time. It felt like I was making love to nature.

We as thinking human beings vacillate between heaven and hell which I learned is a choice and what Huachuma does as a teacher is it amplifies the state you choose and it continually presents it to you. If you live within your head it is going to take you to hell by increasing negative thoughts, paranoia, and suspicion. All the crap that is going on in the world is going to be accentuated until you either freak out over It or maybe at some point you will realize it’s nuts to think this way and thus learn to not engage the mind as the first go to when you are presented with something that is troubling or something you have to move past.  In addition you are challenged with not immediately going to the worst case scenario or thinking of motives for why you are in a particular situation. The other choice you have is to live within your heart and see the beauty in the world, the beauty in other people, and how we are all connected through this thread of love even though we bury it and don’t see it. All this instead of living these lives of separation which fosters and cultivates this us versus them attitude. When you approach things from the heart you create heaven on earth and it’s the greatest gift that Huachuma gives to those who can navigate and choose to live within the heart. The power of Huachuma as a teacher is the choice always remains yours; it doesn’t force any state upon you. You are not going to drink Huachuma and immediately get there; it’s something that you get hit with over and over again. At times it can be like a gentle feather or at other times it is the school of hard knocks where you are constantly tested. Before you catch onto the method it is difficult and you wonder why you are going through this when you have seen the beauty and you have seen the hell world and you are constantly alternating between the two. If you do it enough times eventually you see it and realize oh yeah it’s me; it’s not the plant medicine. The plant medicine is not taking me to hell; I’m taking myself to hell. So once you get to that stage it’s like aha I figured it out. I find it’s still instructive to engage the mind in Huachuma just so you can see how preposterous it is and then when you move past the block it’s like alright I have to get back to leading with my heart. You look up at the sky, the trees, and realize fuck this is so beautiful! In other people you see the love in and from them and the love you want to give to them and it’s such a gift of divine grace. To get there it takes work however in the end it is all worth it.

My time in the jungle with Huachuma came to an end however off to the Andes mountains I was to go for four more ceremonies with three people from my time at SpiritQuest: Parker, Cain, and Kylie. Having experienced once again the power of Huachuma I was eager to continue my exploration of the energy I had freed through internal acceptance and external expression. The jungle medicine journeys had taught me about acceptance of self and embracing what comes when I potentiate the energy that lies within along with instructing me on finding and staying in that state of bliss I sought, all with the simple admonition to stay within the heart. The message was simple and straightforward but the lessons hit with the weight of a heavy feather wielded by an annoying sibling intent on driving you to distraction. It worked.

Being of eternal service, Huachuma ultimately provides the template for living your life.