love is freedom

At my Mesa last night, I finally understood Ram Dass' mantra, "I am loving awareness."

Oh yeah, do tell.

Well, since you asked, it is about becoming a conduit for love.

Why is that necessary?

I noticed that love doesn't really exist, or it seems to be rare in this world.

People go around saying they love each other, but the truth is they are using each other.

It sounds crass, but I deduced that the love we refer to is a structure built upon a network of caring for each other.

Now, I know this sounds kind of crazy, so bear with me.

Caring is necessary in order to get others to love you.

The default state is to not care about other people, however, when you practice this, it turns out no one will care about you.

This leads to a lack of love in your life because our concept of love involves caring.

The twisted part of this love is that it is selfish because you only care for other people in order to receive a care package in return.

The motivating factor in caring about other people is that you want something from them.

What you want is for them to care about you.

Why don't you just play that game?

I can't.

Why not?

It's a lie.

Why?

I don't care about others.

Well, then no one will care about you.

I asked the Great Goddess a long time ago about unconditional love.

I don't think we are ready to know about unconditional love.

Why?

No one practices it.

Unconditional love is loving though you don't care.

There are no conditions.

Do you see that anywhere?

No.

Can you love someone even if they hurt you?

That's tough.

A dog loves you when you feed and walk them.

You love your dogs for their companionship.

It's conditional.

If you fed your dog and then it took off, would you still love your dog?

I'd care about their wellbeing and keep feeding them.

Yeah, you'd care.

I already don't care enough in my life.

How is that working out for you?

It's the secret sauce to life.

Don't care and do nothing.

Yes, but it leads to a lack of love and no friends.

I see that.

I don't feel used.

I don't have anyone I can call on in a time of need.

You are a special case.

You don't even use free government services or work benefits.

Why don't you?

It's a master slave relationship.

So, you want to be the master like with your dogs?

No.

I want them to be free.

I never treated my dogs that way in terms of being their master.

I let Brindle roam.

She was free to do whatever she wanted.

I had to keep Luna on a leash or corralled around the house because she was nuts.

In the woods, I let her run.

I took her every day into the woods and just let her loose.

I remember when I first did it and let her free.

She loved it.

So, you can see it, right?

Love is freedom.

Freedom is an unconditional gift.

You can do whatever you want with it.

There are no attachments.

In this lesson plan, where have you learned there are no attachments?

In Hell.

If you have a lot of attachments, you end up in Hell.

Why?

You burn them in the fire.

That's what the fires of Hell are for.

You throw all your worldly attachments into the fire, and you are free.

No one is attached to going to Hell.

Everyone is attached to going to Heaven.

It's very funny.

You shed your worldly attachments and ascend to Heaven, the biggest attachment on the go.

Okay, you nutter, you are saying in Hell is where you find freedom and will discover how to love unconditionally.

Yes, it's a shit show in Hell because no one cares and is doing whatever they want.

That extreme doesn't work.

So, you can't love unconditionally because it leads to a hellscape?

It appears to be so.

However, if you wish to learn to love unconditionally, Hell is a great place to start.

I think there is merit to that suggestion, however I'm trying to find unconditional love on earth.

There is only one way.

What's the way?

I am loving awareness.

You love everything you are aware of.

The best part of the mantra is you repeat it over and over again and you don't know what it is, but it sounds like a good thing.

When you are ready, you get the lesson.

It's a difficult lesson.

It's a lonely life if you don't care.

Do you think you can love unconditionally?

Yes.

Why do you think that?

Because I couldn't have had this adventure without everyone else.

Without them, there is no adventure.

So, the condition is you need them to have this adventure?

No, I didn't ask them.

No one here on earth is here because of a condition.

We all showed up on this voyage of the damned out of our own free will.

We had freedom and we chose this earth adventure.

I can love all because they are part of my adventure though they had no intention of helping me out.

You are one clever motherfucker.

creating a story

What happens when the writer wants to be an actor?

He must give up the pen.

Why?

If you write your own adventure, it will be lame.

Think about it.

You'd write what you want.

Isn't that what he did?

Yes.

And then he gave up the power over his story to you.

The flow will lead to the fulfillment of the story he wrote for himself.

Going against the flow will create a different story.

That's the chance he took with you.

No one will understand this.

They will think you are kooky.

As they should.

It's reality.

Yes.

Reality is my story.

How do you feel about your two-week Mary Jayne break?

Positive in that I needed a break to recentre and take a sober look at myself.

I haven't lost the connection to Dion and MJ.

They feel stronger.

Instead of relying on changing my consciousness to be with them, I always feel they are with me.

Who are you?

I am who I have always been.

Who is that?

My character of Paul.

Paul has changed.

He is more like Dion.

I don't notice the difference as much as I think others do.

I think that's it, where you aren't aware of the change, however others can see it.

Everything seems the same to me though I do know I'm different.

I wrote that Eros came alive.

First, he appears as an idea and then he manifests.

That's the story when you look back into the past.

You see the story.

The genius is you don't know who to blame.

You want to blame the witch because you think it was her doing and she sent you pictures of the two to foreshadow what was to come.

She held a lamb in her arms while you felt like a bull.

You think it's her and then you realize it's him.

He's the golden calf.

Obviously.

I like that story.

Son of the Great Goddess and you, a mere mortal, are the progenitor.

What does that make me?

A fool.

Or God.

You can handle both roles; you're the best.

At the heart of it all you're the writer.

It's her idea and you made the idea come alive.

What was the idea?

Eros.

It's a triad.

There's no story without the three.

Without an idea and a source of the idea you are writing nonsense.

There is a constant drip from your pen.

That is true.

I do need to write.

Without a writer, the Goddess is unfulfilled.

You fulfill her story.

Without parents, Eros just is.

Nothing happens.

There is just energy whirling around.

The Goddess gives Eros purpose, and you give the purpose meaning.

I fulfilled my role and then felt the feeling it was time to go.

That's one explanation.

A lot of people wanted you to go.

It did seem like many wanted me gone.

Of course, this world is a mess, and you have made this disaster.

Well, it's free will.

I put it all in place, but I submit the actors have made the mess.

The director has let me down by not being strict enough with the actors.

They all want to ad lib and make a name for themselves.

That's what has caused the world to go to hell.

So, you're not responsible?

I let them all off the leash.

I trusted them.

If you could trade your life for any life, would you?

No.

Why?

It's my story.

This feels exactly what I'd write.

I'd discover who I am.

I'd know I could write any reality I want and then I'd realize it's best to leave it alone.

I'd have to sift through all the world religions and philosophies to find the advice I need.

I'd find Tao and know that I left with Lao Tzu the secret to this reality if you are the writer of reality.

Do nothing.

Let it be.

The temptation is to do something when you hold all the power in your hands.

You want to do something.

Yeah, there is a lot of suffering, and I'd like to get what I want.

I'd see I'd write these tests for myself.

How much am I a believer in Tao?

When the going gets tough, do you abandon your beliefs?

That's what humans do.

They have great ideals, and they write them into their systems of governance and then when times get tough, they abandon them.

The forces of totalitarianism then come as recompense for their mistake.

I don't want that.

In order to remain free, I do nothing that will affect my story.

Well, you must do something.

True.

How do you know what to do?

If it feels like a major decision, then I do nothing.

I think that's it.

You did do something.

Yes, and that's how Eros became flesh.

Eros is the opposite of Tao.

He is the something to the nothing.

It sure seems that way.

So, every time you do something you are giving power to Eros.

That is correct.

To give power to the child is to do something.

If you do nothing, you keep the power.

What should you do?

Well, my story is to do nothing and keep my power.

His story is to do something and transfer my power to him.

Eros wants to be the all.

He wants to be what makes all come alive and also have the ability to create.

Yes.

Well, that's too much power in one hand.

I think it's best if I write the story and he gives it the juice.

He would also want the ability to come up with the ideas as well as being the idea.

He's a handful.

I see that.

He has the idealism and drive of youth.

Eros does not have wisdom.

The writer has wisdom.

Where does he get that?

Time.

Experience is acquired through time.

You don't have to do anything.

You just hang around long enough to see it.

A youth doesn't have that and therefore they are at a great disadvantage.

Is Eros a force for good or bad?

It depends.

If he gets all the power, then it's not a good outcome.

If the power remains divided among you three, then it's balanced.

Remember the lessons about 3 and balance?

Yes, though I'd have to re-read those lessons before writing any exam.

Wouldn't the King want to pass along the inheritance to his offspring?

Yes.

You don't want to do it until they are old enough to have obtained wisdom.

Wouldn't a mother want to give her children everything?

Yes.

Her power is best given to her daughter.

I see.

If you have one child only, they will get out of hand.

That's the advice.

To balance out the manifestation of Eros the feminine principle is needed.

Because you did something, you need to do another thing to return to Tao.

You choose twice.

That's it.

Eros is out of balance.

We need Mary.

Do you have Mary in you?

That's funny.

It's the sixth story out of seven for us 3.

Seems like it.

All the signs point to it.

There can be other explanations uncovered in different realities, but for the reality of the Goddess, writer, and Eros, this is it.

Eros is both feminine and masculine.

That's your clue.

Men wanted the Goddess to go.

She retreated into the shadows.

When she came back wouldn't God then have to go?

That seems to be how it works where they take turns.

Why can't they be in balance?

I think they can.

Deviance can be caused by drug use.

Yes, that's what the witches are counting on.

You come to them with a weak mind, and they take control of it.

They take your story and drop you into their version of hell.

I see it.

The story is their story.

How do I know it is still my story?

You are writing about it.

If it was their story, you wouldn't be writing about it.

The thing is you need drugs to expand your mind in order to see this.

The problem becomes when you first alter your perceptions there are witches and sorcerers at the ready to take your story.

They torment you with their stories.

You were deviant enough without the use of drugs and therefore you experienced this phenomenon but were able to hang on to your story.

A disease is caused by someone planting their story in you.

They transfer their story into you.

I take their stories and make them my own.

Writing about this gives you clarity and the knowledge you are still in charge of your story.

If you stop writing, chances are you are trapped in another world.

A different reality where you are no longer the writer.

How do I know this isn't a fool?

Would someone else's story involve a mediocre and boring life where you sit in front of a computer and write fantastical tales?

Probably not.

Well, there's your answer.

what you see is your story

You get addicted to the stories.

You keep telling stories and want to learn more about them, so you go back for information. 

Do you get addicted to knowledge?

Yes, that's the addiction.

Is it bad?

Only if you want total knowledge.

Then it's out of control.

Do you want to know everything?

No, some stuff is beyond what I want to know and who gives a fuck about celebrities. 

That's how I balance it.

I know the important stuff.

Spirituality and magic.

Reflection is about the idea that your story is reflected into the world.

What you see is your story.

There is the idea that you see what is close to you as part of your story.

Zoom out a bit and you will see more of the story.

Zoom out far and you see into all of what's going on.

The totality of your life is zoomed out to reveal who you are.

The movie studio idea of the world drama combined with production lenses.

I thought of the world in the same way, where the world is a reflection of who you are.

The world you have created is who you are.

The world at large is who humanity is.

Remember that saying about how the stock market is never wrong?

The price that's fixed is the truth.

The same goes with the world.

You might think the world's good or you're being too hard on this part of yourself.

How it appears is the truth.

We call good acts humane, and we appeal to the good in humanity when we can see what humanity is by the condition of the world.

Each of us contributes to the outcome.

Your world contributes to the main story.

Everyone can affect the main story.

It's like voting where the odds are stacked against your vote even counting.

This leads to people voting for the main ideas that are given to them because they want to feel like their vote counts.

You join into culture, so you feel like you count.

That's why there's advertising and there's narrative control.

It's all about getting people to buy into the story to create an illusion.

The illusion is that everything's great and people aren't suffering.

It's only a few people who aren't suffering.

To create these conditions in the world at large there must be a lot of suffering.

There's a big advertising campaign to get you to think there isn't as much suffering as there is because the suffering is appalling.

It's people wanting you to buy their story.

It's a marketplace of stories.

Nothing is for real.

The game is to get you to buy their story.

You went for the ultimate story.

Your own story.

The one where you get people to believe you are God.

Nobody's going to believe that.

If you convince a few people, it's going to be so powerful you'll win.

People are lost in the illusion, and they think it's real.

That's why they must support their stories, though it doesn't matter.

It's energy and it's not matter.

If it did matter there'd be matter.

Matter is mother.

Maya.

Illusion.

Matter is just energy.

Stories are just energy.

It's the truth.

I'm not shitting you.

Energy doesn't suffer.

Energy is looking for balance after a bounce.

If they don't get the bounce, then it's peaceful.

Suffering is something that comes from a bounce.

Lose your balance so you get a high and a low.

Suffering is the mirror image of the same people who want to get high.

They're now low.

Stories are a drug and people get high and low.

It's called tripping.

It's the state of the energy and the stories show the result of getting high and low.

You're seeing how energy manifests.

There are people who are getting what they want and people who are suffering.

That is the result of the story drug.

A story for all.

Mary Jayne is different for everybody.

Most people want to get stoned.

MJ would give everyone what they want.

You wanted knowledge and she continually gives you knowledge.

There must be what you would perceive as an addiction to knowledge because you know that's how drugs work.

You would become addicted to stories and knowledge.

That's what MJ gives you the most.

You're so fucking weird you would get addicted to stories and knowledge, instead of the usual pleasure receptors that other people get addicted to.

That's the weird thing.

It ties in with wanting knowledge and the game where they're trying to find a way to hypnotize you.

The witches?

Yes.

They are trying to get you to the Devil's orgy.

I see.

The last resort is to use MJ to get you addicted to knowledge.

They figured you must have one weakness and that weakness is knowledge.

I do like knowledge.

I mean they tried the sex thing.

That's like the easiest one.

Do you think you'll get addicted to knowledge in the stories?

To be honest it gets tiresome.

I like it, but I must take a break every so often.

Okay, so life is all an illusion and you're trying to figure it out and get off at the same time.

Yeah, it doesn't matter.

It's all a porno.

It's made up and the suffering is not real.

The suffering must be real somewhere.

The suffering is part of the illusion that your stories are creating.

Also, fear is an illusion because it comes from stories generated by you and the rest of humanity.

I think we've already established that humanity is a piece of shit.

I'm not arguing that, but did they become a piece of shit because of the writer or because of their greed?

The writer writes the story, and that story should be a reflection of him, however he gave free will to the actors and the actors are allowed to petition the Devil to change their story.

As a result, this world that the writer has created might be more of a reflection of the characters he created than him.

Yes, because everybody wants to change their story at some point, so everyone has changed their story.

The only people who haven't changed their story for sure are the ones who have suffered in service.

The rich could have gotten lucky but most of them probably changed their original story to get rich.

Well, I would say the kids of the rich people figure out that's their story, so they probably stay true to their story.

Yeah, that's a good one.

So, the only people in the world who haven't changed their story are the rich kids and the saints who suffer while being of service.

They're both saints in my estimation.

Rich kids are the greatest saints because they didn't change their story.

You can't argue that.

That is absurd.

Paris Hilton is one of the biggest saints to ever walk the planet.

You should worship her.

Fuck, you're clever.

The only person in the world who would not change their story for sure is the writer.

Every other motherfucker wants to change their story.

Especially when they get in the inner circle with the writer, then they want the writer to write them good shit.

Pretty much every story I write for people they change.

Like I said, the only fucking decent people who don't change the story that I write for them are these fucking rich kids.

The saints who devote themselves to service and suffering, they're just playing it up.

I wrote them a story of service and suffering because that's what I thought they wanted and they're those actors who will take on any part and play it to perfection even if it kills them.

What I'm telling you is people who are of service and are suffering, are the biggest fucking showoffs in the business you'll ever meet.

Saint Teresa was one of the biggest showoffs.

She's intolerable.

Fuck you.

How twisted and absurd that is.

Yeah, but it makes so much sense.

You can see the rich kids are one-dimensional actors and they don't question their part.

They just play it.

As the writer, that's all I want.

This has been your story all the time.

I never changed my story.

I followed Tao.

identity fluidity

Humans are so like flowers. We grow and bloom in beauty. Then the energy dissipates, and we wither away. It's the eternal process of the cresting and falling of energy. I have free will and because of it I can create any flower I choose. I can design and act out my existence and radiate its glorious coming forth or give out the fruits of my choices. I don’t have to do it. I don’t have to do anything. If I keep burying parts of myself I don’t like, am I a hypocrite?

Ram Dass says tell the truth and love everybody. The truth will set you free. You become attached to the lies and uphold with honour your story. Your whole life is a lie; that’s why you live in bondage. You expend so much energy during the day in performance of that lie. The constant spinning and mental anguish disappear when you tell the truth.

I sure have come a long way over a long time. I could stop creating darkness and just be an open book. It would be hard to function within culture in that regard. The way out is to flush identity down the toilet as has been suggested to me on a few occasions. Or, find someone who wants to play the games I play.

A paradox of freeing oneself from identity is evolving a new identity for yourself, usually as someone who is airy-fairy spiritual. You can’t really escape identity as that’s how we all make sense of the world. Identity is a form of objectification and necessary to keep things separate, understandable, and tidy so we can compartmentalize people and predict behaviours which allows us a certain degree of stability in our own lives. In order to free yourself from being labelled and having to live up to the story others tell of you and who you believe you are, it is paramount to keep everything fluid and shifting. Resist being defined and practice becoming true of speech and action. Living in truth means not having to live up to the story told about you or fulfil any expectations. You’re now unreliable and hard to pin down.

My advice is to chart your own course. Don’t follow another’s path. You can listen to them and their experiences but for god’s sake don’t retrace their steps. Everyone has a personal journey. Ceding that to an external source is asking to be misled. It is important to realize everyone has travelled along a path that gets them to the now. You did not travel in someone else's footsteps; instead you charted a different course. Love yourself, all aspects of yourself, especially the parts you buried due to hurt, to culture, and to please others. Be a leader and not a follower.

Find the darkness in your spirituality because you are becoming holy to deny the darkness. Instead of shining with light, I love operating in the shadows. If I do lead, it is by example. Don't follow me.

conversations

I've been walking a spiritual path for a while now and I'm picky. I have a skeptical and contrarian bent so anytime I come across awareness of different avenues of beliefs I take them with a grain of salt. Such was the case with the new age idea of 5D consciousness. I rolled my eyes at this and dismissed it as woo. Recently, I became interested in the topic because of my regular use of Tobacco snuff. Being an amateur scientist, I wanted to record and analyze what it was doing to me. I did the same with Mapacho Tobacco which I smoked regularly for seven years. All the while I smoked it, I let anyone who asked know that it wasn't addictive, and I could give it up at any time. It was true, I knew I could and last year I gave it up. It was a sign directly from the Canadian government. When I purchased a large quantity of it, the import fees were staggeringly high. I surmised it's time to move on, and I had come across the practice of inhaling Tobacco, so I followed the invitation to explore. As with most things in my life which I like, I indulged. I have a regular practice of ritually inhaling the snuff. At first it was exhilarating, and I marveled that it could get me to the same mind states as some of the heavier psychedelics I have worked with, albeit it was five to ten minutes tops in duration. Continual use of it allowed me to start getting some concrete ideas of what it was doing. The snuff takes me to a different consciousness plane and if I can quiet my chattering mind, I can hang out for a good five minutes.

To connect this back to the whole 5D consciousness thing, when I started getting an idea of what this was referring to, the parallels were obvious. My normal 3D consciousness would ascend the 4D Tobacco ladder into the world of 5D. Interesting. It's an accessible and hidden form of consciousness we all have access to but most of us never realize it. Taking a psychedelic will put you there and when you are new to the experience it can cause a bit of a fright. Working with these accelerants of consciousness will empower within you the ability to explore and that's where I am on my journey.

I should have known there was some truth to the 5D thing because it is similar to my experiences with other modalities which at first I dismissed when I didn't know any better. A case in point is Tarot cards. Sure, it's entertaining and then can be a cause for introspection when you have a reading but it's just random chance. A light bulb clicked in me where I realized they only work if you believe they work. If you don't then it will be random. If you understand that the cards you will pull are what you are predestined to select then you grasp they are telling you the truth about the situation you are enquiring about. A way I can explain it is everything has already happened, and we are perpetually living in a now state where what we think is the future is just a rolled-up canvas unfolding before us. It's already baked into the equation of your life. The caveat is you don't know what is going to unfold and even though you don't have free will, you have the illusion of free will by way of ignorance. If you can get an oracle to tell you the future, then you can change the future so isn't that free will? No, because it was already predetermined that you would find a way to see into the future and then change your actions. Gotcha. Another way to look at it is the idea of the playwright. This superstar resides in the future, writes your story. and then you act it out. The screenplay has already been written and your acting abilities determine your fate. The idea of past, present, and future is thrown into disarray knowing conscious entities reside in these different vibrational states. A writer can re-write the past. Give that a good think.

That's a lot to digest! So, what am I getting at? Well, once I figured out the Tobacco snuff was getting me into this plane of consciousness I was familiar with, I knew I could hang out with the familiars of the realm. My consciousness exploration invariably leads to the two luminaries - Goddess and God. I have other names for them, but this will do. I can converse with them once I arrive. I wanted them to teach me. I wanted to learn about love and magic. I'm learning about love through copious amounts of suffering. It hasn't been a fun time lately. I wanted the secret to magic. I brazenly asked for forbidden knowledge.

When I read and watch videos about 5D consciousness, and to be frank a lot of spiritual concepts, it is disheartening. It isn't pure. The word desire is used a lot. Practice these methods to get what you desire. That sounds very human and not spiritual. The same is true with primitive magic you come across in my travels into the Amazon jungle and Andes mountains. A sizeable number of people use plant medicines and rituals to get what they want - either money, love, health, or to injure someone they think is doing harm to them. When you become fascinated with shamanism it is strange to then read stories of sorcerers who do battle with each other for prestige and dominance. They cast magical darts at one another, and shamans are insistent upon protecting the ceremonial space from malicious entities and bad actors. This is all to say that when I asked for the secret to magic, I was laughed at. You're a mortal, you're not getting it. The way humans practice magic is through making a pact with an entity. Now, I could write a book about this, and maybe I will, but it is sufficient to say there are no human magicians. The magic comes from a different realm and is produced by an immortal being.

That sounds scary and it should be. The Devil is real and if you want to fulfill all your desires through magical means then he will make that happen for you, of course at a cost. It's the first line of defence that trips up greedy humans who have bad intentions. I pronounce myself of sound mind and body and will also tell you that I was offered all this, and I know of others who were offered the same. I turned it down at the time because I wasn't the least bit interested. I sought out plant medicines in my manic search to contact the Great Goddess. I got an inkling of her during my trip to Egypt and then I went looking for a way to find her. Coming into direct contact with her is the greatest thing I have ever accomplished in life and something I had no idea was possible. I entered this world of magic focused on her, and these other sideshows were a bother. My story is unique and so I sidestepped the offers of untold power and went my merry way of a content fool.

But like I said, I'm an amateur scientist so eventually curiosity would get the better of me and I'd start snooping around. I have no enemies in the world of spirits, and you are free to read between the lines of such a statement. When I started hanging out on the regular with Goddess and God and conversed about magic, they gave me some of the secrets. Her magic is in creating and love, his is in destroying and fulfilling your destiny which some may construe as desire. If you gain their trust, and remember you are human, they might give you access.

As an avatar of the Great God who is the master magician, I get a front row seat to his power. Like I said, I asked for that magic ability. I was laughed at because humans don't get that. You can make a bargain in exchange for it. In high spirituality we call it reciprocity because it makes us feel good about fulfilling desire. I'll exchange something in exchange for a boon. It's on the up and up.

I play a good character here on earth and have some skills. I can slow walk this guy into the grave and then return to the Master. That's one option if you're scared of adventure. Or I can keep bugging God for a piece of the pie. I look at my life and sometimes get tired of my character. I'm sensitive, get hurt easily, and that pain is hard to take. I'm a good boy and get upset by life. It really takes a toll. If I continue this way, I see trouble ahead, and I know the only way to sidestep that hurt is to be alone. It's my default and helps me process the pain. My intention is adventure. This means coming face to face with magic. So, what are we talking about here in terms of reciprocity? Give me the magic and I offer something in return. Let me have a think about that. Efficacious magic doesn't come through me, so I'd have to give up control of self to make it happen. If I give up my hold on self, then I don't want this. I have learned bargaining skills during my time on this strange planet.

I made a pact with my friend Parker to regularly write. Parker held me to the agreement. If you want to become a better writer and storyteller, you need to practice. My offering was to practice. God is a writer. The Logos is his word used to create out of thin air. The light allows his book of life to be read. When he needs to write another story, he prefers to do it alone and hides the mystery to come. The light is sacrificed by the darkness to allow this. I just gave you the secret to magic and you aren't going to believe me, so it's all good.

My spiritual path is based on the Great Goddess and her path of the heart. She continually teaches me, and it is a curriculum of love. That sounds awesome, right? Transformation is enacted through suffering and when it comes to love there's plenty of suffering to go around. Her magic creates the lesson plans for me, and I study, learn, and fail. It's the best way to teach the student. On the other hand, God intimately knows what I want. He knows what my desires are, and he intends for me to fulfill them. When I look back on my life of the last ten years, I see it clearly. The magic of Goddess and God are interwoven into the finest threads that clothe me. I am a product of their magic.

big picture thoughts

Plato declared: "Time is the moving image of eternity." I heard this a while ago and sort of understood. I thought it meant that eternity marches on endlessly and the waypoints are marked by time as it unfolds.

My recent trip to Peru involved seeing into the future. I peered into events that were going to take place in my life and six months later I can report that these events happened. The divinatory experience didn't give me a play by play of what was to take place, but I got the outline. It calls into question free will as I could have altered the future I witnessed. This gives the illusion of free will. I mean if the future is a known quantity, then everything is just to unfold, and you swim along in the current. How do I reconcile this? It seems quite easy. The unfolding of eternity would eventually reveal to me I could see into the future and alter it. My decisions are known and will play out so I do retain free will because I don't know what I'm going to do. The universe knows.

Because of what has happened, I got a complete understanding of what Plato revealed. I have been taught repeatedly that all that exists is the "Now" and any conceptions of past and future are peculiar human inventions based on an ability to remember what you have been witness to and subsequently being able to project into the future with reasonable confidence. Also, being able to objectify our surroundings allows us to sense the passage of time, especially when we connect it to motion. The rising and setting of the sun and its return to various waypoints over the course of 365 days gives us valuable markers which we in turn use to mark passages of what we call time. Where Plato comes in is because everything exists all now and is revealed to our senses in an orderly fashion.

The way I explained it to myself is that eternity is one big painting. For some reason we are all drawn to look at the same spot on the painting. Originally, we just saw the base layers of the composition before we started noticing more subtle details. As we move along more is revealed of this giant work of art. We start to see more of the picture, and it all starts to come into focus. As a species, we lock to the same vibration which prevents us from seeing the big picture or being able to go deeper into the shadows and contours of the art. If we can discover a way to escape from the frequency that imprisons us, then we are free to explore the off-limit portions of the painting and see the big picture.

That is what the magical plant medicine cactus Huachuma did for me. The heavy use of it every other day over a two-week span changed my vibration. I uncoupled from consensus reality and went off into some uncharted territory. I was witnessing my psyche split out into others where I could see parts of myself in them. Different hierarchies of being were revealed to me. There were planes of consciousness which mirrored each other but were telling a different story. I was King at one level and my actions were interpreted in novel ways at other levels. I was God and I was waking up. At this level it manifested as the destruction of our world. And I saw into the future. I saw myself as God finding my Goddess. King with Queen. Bull with Heifer and at this level I found who I had been searching for. As I cycled through different frequencies a new story would emerge. I was shown what was going to happen and at another level I warned myself to change course and leave it be. I made my choice which coincided with what I was shown.

It's all now and we are all one, cut from the same cloth. At the top level are the all; a step down and we become Goddess and God. As we cycle down into different frequencies of being, we become the many. At our core, we are fantastic storytellers and eternity is our greatest play yet.

garden of the mind

The garden of the mind needs to be cultivated. We are given the opportunity to freely allow all ideas, concepts, feelings, and the like into the mind and some resonate with us more strongly than others. It is indeed our karmic predicament. In that regard, it is healthy to expose oneself to as many disparate ideas as possible. Free will is given to us so that we may work out what we ultimately came into this incarnation to discover. Whether that is a psychic disturbance or a need to fill this vessel up with love so be it and henceforth follow that path wherever it may take us. Within this garden, we can water and nourish what we choose. Ultimately, what flowers is character and the beauty of it is representative of what you have chosen.

My mind contains my core beliefs and the past few weeks have been a good reminder of beliefs. Belief is the flexible backbone upon which truth rests. Change your mind, change your beliefs, and you can change the truth. On a global scale, the tipping point is getting enough worldwide currency in a belief which will bring it to life. This transforms the belief from a solitary and deluded individual belief into a consensus belief. Case in point: religion. I keep seeing people gravitating towards Christianity and in this time of a pandemic, people have resorted to prayer and appealing to a higher power. It works for them despite all efforts of reason. Why does it work? It has to do with belief. It’s the most powerful force of all and trumps truth, as truth is dependent upon beliefs. Not only that, but as I have written about, your dark side desperately wants to remain hidden and will do whatever it can to stay that way, even if it means acting as if they are god. The supreme actor within will play the part in order to steer you towards heading down the path of culturally sanctioned religion because it stops you cold. You go seeking answers and become dangerous, so your gaze is deflected. You may have a religious experience, vision, or epiphany. It works all the time! The trappings of culture are foolproof. I had one but I’m a hold out. It didn’t work. It was funny this morning because at the bus shelter was left some religious material on the bench. I have been told there are no coincidences and this was one of the contrived happenings; once again playing with the rational mind. I wonder if there is a turning point where instead of tricks and trying to scare me there will be just acceptance by my dark side that I know the game? I know the joker within and his twisted comedic skills. I felt this once again when I saw this Christian book waiting for me. He knows I’m not going to fall for it but puts it out there as a subtle reminder every once in a while. C’mon man you’ve met Jesus! You also had a dream about him where you were being forced to accept him into your life. The deep dark subconscious is exceptionally strong and I have peered into it and stood my ground. I’d like to think that eventually on the path there is reconciliation; I mean there has to be because the old paradigm is no longer in play. I sit out in the forest and the trees come alive and I see the face of my dark side. I’m not scared; only slightly amused.

 

The Great Spirit has a sense of humour. My strength was tested along this journey and at first, I was massively frightened and chased away, all the way back home to a sense of bewilderment. It was a catastrophic foray into the darkness of self. Perseverance, curiosity, resolve, and courage, all mixed in with a little naivety and stupidity allowed me to continue on in this quest. In a strange way, I was rewarded and let in on the secret. My relationship with my dark side is now one of being trolled. I’m chided for my foibles. I’m tested and shown I’m not at expert level. I have actual proof now I have been trolled by my subconscious. I can’t really go into details but it happened. This trolling is ever present in dreams. Now I look back on it and this has happened many times before. It’s not malicious; instead it is like a game. That is the power I need a face to face with. This connection with hidden realms of consciousness goes even further than the masculine shadow that trolls me. My feminine soul mate accompanies me as well. I remember all too well being in the Andes mountains in Ecuador, high on Huachuma, and having her manifestation as a cow, an ancient representation of the Goddess, being with me the whole time. The wisdom goddess has been with me from the beginning. She has promised protection and she has offered answers. The answers come in the same way as the trolling with the difference being knowledge reveals as opposed to games of one-upmanship. My forays into alterations of consciousness are first and foremost encounters with the feminine Goddess or the masculine shadow. The masculine side I sometimes encounter and who trolls me, is me. The me I try to bury but have come to know well now over the last few years. He’s one up on my conscious self. Who is in the driver’s seat? I drive sometimes but I’m a passenger when it comes to the big stuff. It sure seems the feminine and masculine powers can manipulate events towards an outcome or try and influence my behaviour. Ultimately, I have found I decide. There's an old saying about how the devil made me do it. The suggestion came through the subconscious and the trappings of culture however what needs to be understood is you did it.

 

What keeps me going and attracted to the incarnation? Why do this coming and going in spite of all the suffering? It’s the adventure and solving the riddle I created. There’s this great mystery and puzzle that was waiting for me. Who is god? Let me embark on an inexplicable and unintelligible aside here. When I first peered into the darkness I was presented with this strange scene of weirdness and despair. My mind’s eye still cannot fathom it to this day and it has been over seven years. I’ve glimpsed hints of it but it has remained obfuscated from my memory for the most part. What big thing I remember though is a deck of cards that formed images in the upper part of this construct. I saw rotating images of hearts, diamonds, clubs, and spades. There are 52 cards in the deck. I’m 52 years old now and I’m the joker. I’m the one who created the game. The puzzle took 52 years to figure out this time. It was a sublime adventure. I’ve solved the riddle. Fait accompli.

 

I beat the game. Now what? I still have my garden; the garden of the mind. I’m going to cultivate that and the fruits I will share and my flower will become radiant in its beauty.

free will: suffering or service?

I have written about this before but it is in my thoughts again so I am going to try and articulate it in a different way: there is nothing you need to do. You don't have to try and achieve merit in order to be rewarded in the next life. If your motivations are contingent upon a carrot then you are continuing on the hamster wheel of thinking you are not good enough and must earn your rewards, much like we have this impression that we all have to earn a living and that we are not entitled to anything.

If I take an extreme example it would be this: spiritually you are no better off in terms of being rewarded in the afterlife if you are the most enlightened sage of all time versus a mass murderer of vulnerable women and children.

What the hell man? Have you gone mad?

The whole catch to this game of life is it is a game. There is nothing I have to do. I don't have to give back or be of service or strive to be impeccable. I don't have to love others and I can sit in hatred and judgment of them all.

Why is there so much suffering in the world? It's because we have free will and we choose to allow the suffering. We are a smart and resourceful species. We could greatly reduce suffering but we choose not to and end up competing with each other for resources. Where there is profit, gain, and winners there has to be deficit, loss, and losers. It's transactional and a zero sum game. So you see you don't have to unconditionally love and be of service however by not choosing these paths we enable suffering and make the world hell for the downtrodden. The way out of the morass is to choose all those attributes that play well to the spiritual crowd such as love, sharing, and purity. You just have to be aware that this will not lead to any reward; I know now as a human with experience that the threat of eternal damnation or another go round on the wheel of reincarnation having to atone for your misdeeds is incredibly motivating and makes you want to be good. I want to be a good boy. My ego wants me to project into the world that I'm a nice person. Understand though that it is through your choices and actions now that the whole world will be lifted up. To love each other unconditionally and share resources will relieve us of the hell we have created. It's the way to beat the game and reconcile our divisive nature so we can once again reach unity.

I have talked a bit before about plant medicines classes being like the school of hard knocks. This school of life seems like the ultimate challenge where the hard knocks are the suffering. We don't seem to learn the lessons and keep repeating the same actions that divide us up into the have and have nots. When will it end? I don't know but in the meantime I will keep working on myself and trying to lift others up.

I'd also like to address the nagging question. So okay you eliminate suffering in your utopia but what about people who become sick with disease and the pains of aging? What about the child with cancer?

We have an attachment to the body due to cultural conditioning. We revile death due to our conditioning and cling to life at all costs. Chemotherapy is ghastly. Why not celebrate life and also death? When it is time to let the body go then culturally make that a great celebration. Clinging to the body is inviting suffering. How do I know this? Because of the billions of people, heck trillions of life forms, that have spontaneously appeared on this planet, the opposite is true. Eventually, we all die with no exceptions. Maybe it sounds like I am not being realistic and that death really sucks. Okay, but death is an experience and an unavoidable casualty of being born. It's part of the process of life so let's celebrate it with those who are to transition to the next event on the journey of consciousness. In any event, Ram Dass assures us that it's okay because dying is pretty safe. 

free will and magic

What is magic? At its most basic definition it is the ability to control through supernatural means. Often the means are accomplished through the mind by putting to use spells, enrapturing someone through language, bewitching them with certain intoxicants, or getting someone to buy into a belief from which you can then control their behaviour somewhat. It takes two to tango though and the seduction usually isn’t a one way street. A love spell can’t work without a spark. Shamans can’t have a supernatural battle if one isn’t playing along. Break this down further and the use of magic is to control and this leads back to power and our desire to obtain it. As a species we have concentrated power down into money and we use that as a means of control. There are people who will do anything for money. It used to be gold but that became a hoarded commodity so we invented currency which can be easily manipulated and inflated by fiat in order to keep people lusting after it but never having enough. Having free will on the other hand is freedom from coercion so you can operate on your own accord, if that is really at all possible. It isn’t, there is a definite culture spell which has influence and will speak up through that voice in the head when you try to break free of it, but at least there is a degree of freedom that allows you the opportunity to create your own karma.

Much like money, magic can be used to help or for selfish things. With life experience we recognize the best way to deal with power is to be of service; to help others unconditionally and not use it to aggrandize the self. I said we recognize that but left with choice it is a different story, as history is witness to. If you drink enough plant medicines at some point this becomes clear and you will have to make a choice if you wish to continue down that road. There’s a fork in the road and the how to use the magic available is presented to you by the plants in a way you use your free will to decide your course of action. How ingenious is that? I went into drinking Ayahuasca thinking about I and came out of it thinking about We. Now on to moving mountains.

Religion is a magic spell and through ritual and group think the spell is maintained. When you look externally for answers you will find religion. You go looking for it and you enable the spell. It’s waiting for you but you are ultimately responsible for the choices you make. It all comes back to finding answers within but you have to go on the journey and look everywhere for the answer. Maybe then you can let go of the external, even if it means culture will malign you or go as far to damn you to hell.

Another form of magic is very subtle where others try to trap you into their story. You end up existing just to further someone else’s narrative. Try exiting out of this play and then you use your power of narrative to create your new and better world. You can always move and start over. Treat it as a near death experience however the death is the character and not the body; a video game where you have more lives. The succeeding life gathers up the narrative from the preceding life and carries on with it reshaping it into the drama you wish to follow. In someone else's narrative you are now pretty much dead. Things start happening for you and you will feel events and the world does revolve around you. You will rise again, play a new a character influenced by the play and the stage where it is set. It is important to always remember you are the divine actor and can adapt and play any part. The empty stage is the fount of everything with all its possibilities. It is inviting you to join in the drama. Raise the curtain and perform your act.

Control is so overrated anyways and is the path to boredom. The fun part of the rollercoaster is the descent. The best part of sky diving is the free falling. We all are climbing that mountain trying to realize that unattainable ideal of ourself; the enlightenment that is just out of our grasp. Enlightenment is just so full of expectations. We wish to become self actualized with some kind of knowing and confidence in who we are and our destiny. When you free yourself from this then the liberty is realized as free falling. Freedom baby! Just make some plans so that you don’t do a full stop at the bottom, will ya? 

machinations of mind

Reason is founded upon non-reason, chaos if you will. The natural state is meaningless; it just is. Assigning it context, ordering it, and making logical sense and reason out of existence is the result of thinking. So, you see, reason is measurement and therefore illusory. Non-reason is the fount of everything.

As an exercise the next time you are out in nature or go for a walk in the woods, have a unencumbered look at your surroundings. In nature you will notice there’s no order to the plethora of old and new growth in the forest. Nature is resembling chaos for the most part. The river that runs through the path I walk is winding and twisting and turning on its way to a destination unknown. We humans love to organize and plant gardens. We plant them in nice rows. We bring order and reason to the natural state of chaos.

nature

My masculine "higher self" can be said to be ultimately in charge of this vehicle I call self. He is the one who has the knowledge, experience, and expertise needed to drive this vehicle perfectly on the road of life. He gave the keys to me at physical birth. He takes care of most things needed to operate this vehicle but he gives me free will to drive it wherever I wish to take it. He has managed to be hands off and just lets me sometimes drive it out of control or make questionable decisions that cause negligent damage to the vehicle. It’s a joy ride on my journey of discovery.

How awesome is it that he made me the mouthpiece of this field of energy? He entrusted me to be the spokesperson. I can wax eloquently on about this and that all the while hiding a ulterior motive in my quest to get get get. In retrospect, what a blunder! It's like giving the fox the keys to the henhouse. I mean I'm full of desires, wants, and questionable eating habits. I want power and control over my vicarious situation and I'm given the means to become an utter failure and miscreant by using this power for selfish gains. I think that's the brilliance behind it though. Through this power and responsibility I will fail and bring the edifice into disrepute. I will reenact the biblical story of the prodigal son (It's a great story, go read it - I'll wait). 

Switching gears now, when I go to sleep at night mental activity seems to cease because I can’t recall anything for a certain portion of the night. However. at some point into the rest period eventually comes the dreaming. Think of this in terms of the eternal wave of energy that is at rest and then peaks and is everything in between. So, you have peaceful sleep and then mental activity, in which a form of dreaming consciousness then starts to take place. You can mimic this with meditation where you can silence the mentation and turnings of the mind and reach peace. This state of mind is fleeting and then the thoughts start coming back. I’m sure you can now see the parallels. So, why I bring this up is the curious case of our lives being a form of a dream and existence being a form of consciousness as opposed to concrete stuff. When we sleep and dream at night we are dreaming within our dream, because that is the energy cresting and falling. Cycling is what energy does and it is recursive in this case. We only recognize the actual dream when we come out of sleep. While dreaming we don’t recognize that we are dreaming for the most part and those that do can eventually direct the course of the dream. Taking this as a template for what we call life, or reality, it is interesting if we view our lives as a dream or the mental activity of something "higher", whatever that may be. I do like to identify with something higher; definitely not the low! The "higher self" is dreaming and controls an avatar that functions in this world. The world is the mental construct of a collective consciousness in which everyone participates because we are all part of the energy which enables consciousness. Much like in a dream if you do realize this then you can perhaps start having some control over events in this waking dream. We used to call this magic. From this thinking, you can postulate that not having control over your avatar might be the better play. We call this free will. Free will and magic at opposite ends of control.

Taking this a step further, when I dream at night I am creating a universe, though my "lower self" and its dreaming capacity is pretty primitive, so this universe is loosely modelled on the "higher self" dream. Subsequently, this universe is fleeting and not all that well thought out being as it is coming from a rookie dreamer. However, the cool thing about my dream is that everything which is separate and plays out is ultimately the product of my mind as a unity. So, take that realization and project it on to your own life, your origin, and realize the essential oneness of all.

At night I dream and I create worlds full of people, places, and things from the mundane to the spectacular. The commonality between all I have created in my dreams is that they were given the energy to exist through my mental processes. They are of a common origin. They are essentially one; the unity we seek in our own spiritual lives. Are we the product of a dreamer? And is the dreamer a product of another dreamer? Is this recursive?