out of my mind

You are an ego-tripped Eros who is an ego-tripped Apollo when you need to impress others.
Around others I was mostly ego-tripped Apollo.
Did you ever ego trip Dionysos?
Yeah.
A lot of times with my writing.
He is a dangerous combination with Eros.
People love your writing.
Yeah, whatever, nobody reads it.
If you go on an ego trip you will eventually blow up.
Yes, just like God.
Are they the same?
Kind of, if you think you are the greatest then it's a God trip.
It's what you did.
After Peru, you did that.
Yes, but I kept it mostly quiet.
People can't accept or handle it.
I had to go do it on my own.
Chavín and the god in the labyrinth is the template to follow.
It's the secret of how I got to God without blowing up.
It's a mind maze and you find God in it.
Or the minotaur, who is Dionysos.
I'm connecting God with Dionysos and you the writer.
You could call me a scribe.
Son of Thoth.
Pharaoh connections.
Thothmoses.
The pen and Akh symbolism for fans of ancient Egypt.

I see the purpose of paranoia and surveillance when using mind-altering substances.
The thoughts will keep you grounded if you integrate them.
Your inhibitions are relaxed, and you start to do things which come naturally to you, but they also contravene the expectations of culture and society.
This leads to thinking they are watching you.
The net result is you modify your behaviour so you continue to fit in.
This is a way towards the balance your entity is always seeking.
If you remain in society, your being will find a way towards reconciliation which is balancing your behaviour to fit in.
These attributes are behaviour modification tools that you are employing and using the actions of others to reach this state.
By becoming off-balance, you trigger a response in others which leads you to get balanced.
If you do not balance, then you see how that leads you towards what is described as being crazy.

I do feel a little lost in my mind this morning.
I think it's a result of navigating between the two worlds.
There are three.
Sleep, awake, and awakened.
The alarm went off and you were in a dream and switched on awake mode.
Now, you are vacillating between having to function for work and in your awakened state.
That's all this is.
It felt like I was losing my mind.
Yes, it will feel that way.
I had to take a big shit to get my bearings.
Good plan to return to the profane.
There's a need to ground yourself when you wake up.
It will be difficult to get out of bed and switch on work mode.
You are being taught mind states and different realities; this is part of the curriculum.
In essence, you are losing your mind because you can go in and out of it.
You'll get used to it and become disciplined in how you do it.
The problem for most people is they panic and get lost in the alternative reality then they go see a therapist to bring them back.
What are you going to do?
Nothing.
Well, in combination with the nothing is to let my inner resources handle the switching.
If I try and do something, I'll just fuck it up.
That I have learned from experience.

Between two worlds in the forest.
The ego doesn't like the darkness.
You're a special case.
Nutter.

The ego creates external gods to give you what you want.
It works both ways.
They keep you off the trail of figuring out who you are.
Ganesha is a god you can invoke.
He's real.
Yeah, but your mind as ego created him.
The ego created all the religions.
Okay, I see.
The ego can create psychic entities to fool you.
Well, get you off the path.

You get to God, and you don't realize what you've done.
You think it's time to go, or you blow up.
You don't realize what it means.
What does it mean?
You see who you are.
And?
The four and this other reality.
You're not supposed to see that until your deathbed, and you shed the ego.
You see reality and walk towards it.
The light?
Yeah.
You know this world isn't real.
It is.
It's distorted.
We are all playing a game in a funhouse of distortions.
If we all knew the truth we wouldn't play.
Why?
It's the four of us.
We know each other very well.
We create this world so we can play.
Why the suffering?
Balance.
There's room for a whole lot of kindness in this world.

I think there's 3 voices and not 4.
Why?
Because Dionysos and Apollo are two halves of the same coin.
As a man you can intuit the split.
The Goddess is two as well however you assign her one.
You know she's also a witch.
Eros can be either sex.
There's 3 and you can see 4.
Got it.
There's 6 when you see both.
Plus, Eros is with them all.
Eros is with the four.
So, there's 8?
I'm not sure.
Eros is 4?
No, 2.

The writer causes the distortions which create this reality.
He's twisted.
He twists the 3 main characters into a bunch of stories.
You're in a story.
That's what the ego is creating.
Your story.
Part of my story is seeing how it works.
Without the stories, you see it's all you.
Well, the 3 of us.
The 3 and 1.
And 3.

This reality of ego is a veil.
The four are melded into one.
Eros is strong.
Then family and society get added in.
The ego is strong over you but mostly a puppet to others.
How you view reality is through the ego so you can see how it's distorted.
Without the ego you see how it is.
So, what's better?
Shouldn't I chuck the ego?
No, because this reality you are in most of the time is the ego reality.
It's the Matrix.
Of course.
Shed the ego and see how it is.
Put it back on and see something different.

Dissolve the ego and talk to plants.
The deer waits for me.
Deer stared at me.
What a magical world.
I can't be around other humans, or they ruin this.
They ruin the magical world.
Animals live in the magical world until you domesticate them.
The ego domesticates the human.
Civilization is the ego's project.
The ego calls on others to bring you back.
They don't know why they don't like you going into the woods alone.
They say you need a dog.
The dog keeps you from dissolution.
Luna helped with the gradual process when you started with Mary Jayne.
She left when you were ready.
You still dissolve the ego a bit with the dog around, but it's not like having a human around.
They prevent it.
I have no dog.
You can now get far on the dissolution.
What keeps me from ego death?
This phone.
You need a phone.
Writing keeps you around.
I must write.
You see, it's time to go when you figure out the game.
Writing about it keeps you here.
As long as you write, you will stay around.

Why didn't I realize what I was doing before?
I was clearly dissolving my ego.
You did it gradually.
It's the best way to do it without a catastrophic ending.
You get used to it and then you can let it go at will.
The ego is an extreme and you juggle it to the point you see what's going on.
It leads to balance, but you don't want the other extreme.
Well, that's death.
That's unavoidable.
Is it?
What you do is you bring half and half into bodily death then you can carry this character into the next dreamworld.
If you don't, you lose your character, and the four are born a blank slate.
You bring both.
Don't choose one.
Always keep the ego around and decide how much ego you want to bring with you to the next life.
How much mystery.
I think I brought about 30%.
I could juggle it.
That 30% can take over.
The ego is strong because it relies on others.
I see that.
That's how the ego makes up for its weakness.

When people die, they see the 4.
How does that work?
They get a small hit of eternal life, and the ego dominates the next world.
Doesn't it know who it is?
No, you must know about eternal life for that to happen.
No one knows, so the ego is another blank slate and so powerful.
It is.
I thought it was me.
It is my character.
I need to balance my character with who I am.
I THINK I'M DOING THAT.
Stop shouting.
It wasn't me.
If you do Huachuma again, go off by yourself.
Can't do that with Ayahuasca.
If you stay around people, some will try to put a spell on you.
Play with magic and you get burned.
I didn't cast the spell.
I wrote the story after they gave me the idea.
Spells are stories.
There's always more.
There are always more stories.

Huachuma mouth gives you a physical clue of how far you've gone.
You see people take too much of a mind altering chemical at once and they face the dissolution of the ego.
If they go too far, it's death.
Without the breath, you can get there.
Some people know it, but the risks are great.
Then they search for a way to get back to the magical place.
It's a high.
If you don't do it gradually it will make you addicted.
The rush you aren't used to, and you want it again.
You made it hard to get high for yourself and then you did it gradually.
You knew to take a mild to moderate dose to get the teachings which lead you to this place.
It's cool here.
People microdose hoping to get here.
They can't function every day doing a bigger dose, so they try a continuous small one.
I did a good dose I could handle daily and didn't go too far out.

The feeling of being watched keeps you here.
You're in your mind and you leave methods to get back home.
Literally and figuratively.
The lights are pentagrams.
It's what the witches see.
You see what the witches see in the Akhet.
They use the dawn and setting sun to do their magic.
It's Venus.
I know her.
They are encircling you.
Yes, that's their natural behaviour.
Draw a pentagram and circle you.
That's pretty much it.
Your squinty eyes help you see the light.
You mean the pentagram.
You're high.
They are east and west.
A lot in the north.
Nothing in the south.
That's my magic and why they can't close the circle on you.
You even worked up to this reveal.
Gradually into the dark and then you picked Halloween because you knew the witches were busy tonight.
That's funny.
So, it is the witches' story?
Both.
Right.
You did both.
You even have witches reminding you of both.
Two favourite stories.
You have others.
You can play those.

Why are you still here?
I'm writing about it.
If I wasn't around, no one would write about this.
It's the secret sauce.
Plus, I'm no saint.
I play the part sometimes, but I'm quite fucked up.
If you knew what went on in my head, you'd think I'm beyond repair.
So, you aren't going anywhere?
I feel no need.
I'm going to enjoy the show.
I've got a magic show going on in the woods.
I've got this never ending trip and my ticket to ride is still valid.
Some say it's expired.
Why would I believe them?
I will put my trust in myself.

Make it so your ego wants it, and you'll get there.
I'm referring to ego dissolution.
The game with my ego became a quest to be the one who could do it.
That challenge was too much for the ego to pass up because I am a narcissist at heart who wants to prove they are the best.
I used my ego against my ego to get to a place of ego dissolution.
My ego is aware of this and wants to continue.
There's a trust I will come back to the ego.
I still have resistance.
It's the formula.
You give the ego what it wants.
It wants to be the greatest.

Stories are ego based.
The ego is who you are in this reality.
Alan Watts said the ego would go up a level with you.
You have a different ego on every level.
It goes up with you.
So, if you dissolve it as you go up then it's more you.
Yes, whoever you are.
The three or four.

Alcohol dissolves the ego, but you don't get too far with it.
If you get addicted, it will kill you.
So, you're saying dissolving the ego will kill you?
Yes, you already were taught that lesson.
What did you learn?
Don't go all in.
Precisely.
Going full on into ego death is the end.
What about alcohol?
It gives you a strong warning and if you persist it will lay waste to you.
It ruins you and that is the death of your ego.
You become a shell of who you once were and then you are done.
What about MJ?
She will stone and make you worthless.
A stoner.
A stoner is an outcast in society.
Nobody will hire you or trust you with anything.
They will have a laugh at your expense.
You must find fellow stoners to hang with.
Same with alcohol.
You find drinking friends who understand the need.
Are you a stoner?
No, I'm in the zone.
See, you are taught MJ will stone you and that's what people want.
You don't want that.
That's a one way ticket to your exit forcefully from polite society.
The game is over.
Remember you need an ego to play the game.
Where does my path with MJ lead?
A similar place.
You will discard the ego with MJ.
You will get so high, you can't come down.
What is the solution?
What you are doing is the solution.
Discipline yourself and know what you can handle.
Respect the dose that gets you to the teachers and work within the container.
To become a successful juggler takes hard work.
You aren't born with that skill.
You practice and by failures you learn how to juggle in the big game.

The ego is the actor, and he is going for the best actor award.
Most can't handle a loss of ego.
Their character ends.
Your ego is playing the part of no ego.
That's your role and how you stick around.
Plus, writing.
You play a role where you can drop the ego and play the 4.
Now that you know the ego game, you balance it.
Don't end it though.
That's curtains.
The lust drug game as well.
Feed them a little bit.
All the drugs can teach.
Some teachers suck though.
You were teaching with lust.
Such a horrible reaction to you.
Addiction.
Get out.
I don't want to see you.
Why are you bothering me?
It's lust combined with Dionysos.
It's magic.

the ending

They say the remedy will destroy your mind.

I think they are correct.

They allow you to break free of the shackles of culture and become untethered by the weight of the world.

The result is being dropped into unfamiliar territory.

The default concern due to the break with manufactured reality is you naturally think you are crazy.

Those you surround yourself with will reinforce the belief you are nuts.

How do you mentally feel?

I've never been more at peace with myself, with who I am, and what I have discovered.

I'm excited for what is to come.

I've accepted my nature.

Do you think you are crazy?

It's in my nature.

It's not necessarily crazy.

I will say that what I classify as abnormal is the result of removing the shackles of behaviour enforced by culture.

I always had these tendencies, and I would repress them.

Now, I let them flow.

I'm still careful and maintain discipline.

Are you concerned?

I can see into the subconscious motivations of others.

People have hidden thoughts and desires.

The outer shell is a facade which acts as a layer of protection concealing what they really want.

I see what they want.

Does that bother you?

If I took it seriously it would.

If I play the game, it becomes a blast.

The reason it becomes fun is that the others can't reveal their intentions.

If they do, they will be ashamed and ostracized for their greed and avarice.

They must save face.

This gets back to the ability to tell stories.

You take what you know and spin it into a tale of intrigue.

You follow along and see the synchronicities and coincidences start to add up which makes your story plausible.

It's a fun game.

This is why you would descend into madness.

You would start creating your reality and then manifest that reality.

No one can handle that result.

This is how you become crazy.

Shouldn't you be crazy then because this is what you do.

I've crossed that bridge, and I know how to do this.

Why are you not completely mad?

I let it flow.

I don't try to control it.

I see the story and I let it be.

If I tried to direct the story, then I'd go mad.

It is about power.

You get control over the flow, and you are tempted to use it.

The great teaching of Tao gives you the answer.

It is hidden overtly within the ideas of Tao.

You are constantly reminded of the secret.

The secret is to do nothing.

Once you do something, the problems will become insurmountable, and you will lose.

You see the story and you let it be.

You go with the flow.

The story is crazy, and you have a laugh and marvel at your genius of how you create and weave these stories together.

Aren't you doing something by creating these stories?

Yes.

The flow is your subconscious.

The flow will do all the work.

You do nothing.

Watch the movie and resist the temptation to change the story no matter how desperate or enticing it may be to take up your power to change the world.

I see what the flow is doing.

I have a front row seat.

So, I'm not crazy?

Nah, you good.

How crazy is this:
When I pass away, this whole construct goes away.
The world ends.
That's definitely narcissistic.
It's my story, so it must end.
Is that why you are going to blow it up?
The threat of nuclear annihilation is the discontinuance of your story.
That's why you're here at this time in history.
It is a puzzle which has as its ending you solve the riddle and have a lack of enjoyment over figuring it out.
What do you mean?
If the story ends you must end at the same time, so you cannot verify that the story has ended.
It's a good trick of the mind.
Awareness will inform you that the dream has ended, and you woke up.
You will give your head a shake and say wow.
Imagine coming up with all this and having it be a product of your mind?
It's pretty incredible and even more so knowing that within this reality there are infinite realities.
They all will come crashing down when I expire.
Will they?
Is it all dependent on your body?
No.
Wouldn't the outcome be this reality ends because you lose your connection to it, but the other realities will continue?
The body is the key to this reality.
You can't return to this reality without a body.
Is that why the ancient Egyptians mummified people?
Do you have a better answer?
I figured it was because the spirit or ghost needed a body to inhabit or else they became a nuisance.
That is true.
They hang around this reality but they can't get back in without a key.
When I die you are saying I will still see what is going on in this reality?
It's possible.
However, because you are a narcissist and think the world revolves around you, when you die this reality is going away.
It will come to a sudden stop.
That would seem to suggest you will die in a nuclear explosion or some kind of cosmic catastrophe.
Nice.
It will end all life and this reality will be an empty story.
Where will I be?
You have your eye on the 7th world which is a world crafted for dogs.
What about the story of the witches and sorcerers?
That storyline is running parallel to this one.
You can witness it playing out in conjunction with your own life.
I think I understand.
So, a witch will lead me to the Devil's orgy where they will prepare to sacrifice me at the same time the world will meet its fate.
Everything will end at the same time.
Yes, they will castrate you and the world blows up.
Right.
I'm picturing an orgasmic ending to this farce.
You got it.
As the writer, you know you are going to twist the ending.
The sacrifice will twist into you becoming the saviour of the world.
All will worship you and your penis.
I would keep that to yourself as it's hard to explain without coming across as nuts.
I see that.

All babes are the manifestation of Cupid.

Culture teaches us to bury this lust.

We bury a lot of desires.

So, if we are looking for Eros within, we look to the shadow?

It's a good start.

Is my shadow closer to my essence?

It seems that way because it is clear of cultural influences.

Indeed, he is free of culture thus why he told you to kill yourself in order to live.

To accept who you are you must become free.

Is the part of me who came forth a fraud?

No, just some of it.

If you can extract yourself from culture, you get closer to who you are.

The opposite is true where you have mixed in parts of your circumstance you don't like with your shadow.

I imagine you are looking for balance.

We all start off as pure Eros?

Yeah, he or she is the story, so of course.

Within Eros is the Goddess and the writer.

As the writer, you can see Eros and the Goddess.

That is what I have discovered.

The Goddess sees Eros and the writer.

Eros will see mom and dad.

I understand all this.

What I'm thinking about is that I start the human journey as Eros.

Yes.

Then I as a man will look for God.

That's the warrior path.

It will eventually kill you and I don't mean old age.

I have this lived experience now.

I see beyond God, and it is the writer.

Okay, so I know I'm Eros and the writer.

That's what the Goddess sees.

You buried the writer with Eros.

Okay, so who am I?

A puppet.

Do you see why you must kill yourself in order to live?

Clearly.

Paul is a coping method.

What about the goodness in me?

A lot of it is a fool.

That's true but not all of it.

Who came forth reflects your buried desires mixed with the expectations of culture.

Don't throw away the baby with the bath.

Eliminate who you are told you are and embrace who you are.

It's the path forward.

You were hypnotized.

You didn't see the Goddess with Eros.

I only saw one.

I didn't know he was there.

He was waiting for you to separate him from the Goddess.

They waited for you.

Finally, you showed up.

I don't think anyone knew what was going on.

The story was a mystery.

You can see it now.

You see a lot of things.

Some are weird.

Some stretch the truth.

There are unbelievable stories.

Those are extreme.

The stories that contain the most believability are the stories that fit into your belief system.

The far out stories belong to a different reality which contains a different set of beliefs.

They would seem more normal in those worlds.

I think you are telling me every story has merit.

Yes, you generate the story, and your mind plays with it.

It's just a story.

Sometimes, you find a way to play out the story.

That's when you incarnate into a vessel?

Exactly.

The more stories you generate, the more alive you are.

You perform on many levels which are realities.

The secret to being alive is to generate stories.

If you get stuck in this reality you think you will perish when all the stories play out in this realm.

Eventually they will.

The body gives out.

If you can switch between stories, it's all good.

You jump ship when this body starts to give out.

Is that what some people try to do?

Yes, they want to get into another head in order to continue their story.

They are stuck in this reality.

They continue on here.

Can't you do more than one?

You mean stay in this reality through jumping bodies or being remembered and then perform in another level?

I don't see why not?

The different reality would become your new reality.

You hypnotize yourself into the new reality and keep going that way.

Alternatively, you can step out of the hypnotism and shuffle through all the different realities.

Then you don't have to feed off others.

You are self-reliant.

You can already see the other stories.

You know how to switch between them.

It's because you woke up.

You do it; you just don't fully realize it yet.

It's because you are taking it slow.

You know how to peer into the different stories, and you are aware you can get lost in a different story.

I'm disciplined.

I know when it gets too much, I might lose my way out of the mind.

There's a minotaur waiting for me.

What does he do?

He devours humans.

Right.

Well, that should be enough of a caution.

There's lots of bones of stranded travelers in the labyrinth.

A warning that you get when you realize it's too late.

The minotaur has a connection to Dionysos.

Of course, the divine writer contains the stories.

When you peer into them, which is stepping too far into the labyrinth, the man bull is waiting for you.

You can run from him or be a hero like Theseus.

Didn't Theseus run off with Ariadne?

Yeah, because he bludgeoned Dionysos the man bull to death.

Then he dumped Ariadne on an island, Dionysos returned as he is the eternal return, and reunited with Ariadne.

Good story.

Who are you?

Well, I'm not going to kill the bull god.

He is me.

We will be friends.

Like Happily-Ever-After friends?

No, there will be more adventures.

You have it all figured out, don't you?

What do you think?

Yes.

Once trapped, people will do anything to free themselves.

That's why they perform stupid sacrifices.

I see that.

It's a good signpost on the road ahead.

Your trips have been enough.

You know that.

You have Mary Jayne and a nice container.

Keep it that way and you are good to go.

Thanks for the advice.

As long as the universe continues you will become matter again.

The universe is one big cycle.

The universe is the one story and then there's all the cycles within that cycle so the one would become the two which would become the four which I want to say eight, but I think it's sixteen. 

Lots of really good knowledge today because lust isn't bugging you.

You're not wrong.

I want to create a reason why I should have lust around.

I think you already know.

The knowledge will get too much, it will bother you, and you'll want to stop.

Lust is around to provide the resistance needed.

They are both teachers.

I know what you're going to say.

You're going to say lust is the greatest teacher.

I think he's probably tied in with knowledge and wisdom, but let's go with that for now.

So, tell me, why is lust a teacher?

He reminds you to play.

Remember he did that in Ecuador?

If you go all in on knowledge, you'll destroy yourself.

If you go all in on lust, the same.

Lust is telling you to stop being so fucking serious.

That's how you live a balanced life.

A perfectly balanced life would go on forever.

That's Tao.

Tao teaches eternal life.

Yes, in duality.

Of course, because if you're going to live forever, you must know that you're going to live forever.

If you didn't know you were living, who would care about living forever?

In non-duality no one would ever worry about living forever.

No one would worry about nothing.

There's nothing in non-duality.

Things are strictly a product of duality.

When you reduce the dualistic to one, the non-dualists take it a step further and say it's not one.

It just is.

It's no one.

You could represent non-duality as minus one.

What happens if you minus one?

You get less.

You might get nothing.

Yes, so when you're told to do nothing, you see non-duality is representing nothing.

So, within duality, the best thing to do is to do nothing, which is non-duality.

You practice nothing within something.

That ensures balance.

If the opposite happened and you are in non-duality, you wouldn't know you're in non-duality.

Tao would lead you back towards duality.

You would cycle back and forth.

You go from nothing to something.

It's the writer who twists the flow.

That is the flow.

It's twisted.

It's the story.

Non-duality is no thing and duality is some thing.

Isn't language great?

You wouldn't want to get stuck on either duality or non-duality.

If you got stuck on non-duality, you'd be an atheist, and there'd be nothing.

If you got stuck on duality, the stories would continue forever.

You would think there's an exit ramp for both of them.

There is.

Your physical body returns to nothing, and your mind continues to separate the one into two and you continue on.

How clever is that?

So, anyone who's died still exists?

Yeah.

You know what, they existed before their body.

That's pretty freaky, right?

We think the body is what makes the story start and come into existence, but the story already existed.

Some of the picky people would have picked their parents.

Others would have been happy to get here in a body.

I think you're telling me that the rich kids are picky.

Yeah, they made sure they got the best parents.

The weird thing is rich parents are probably the worst parents.

That's why all the rich kids end up getting into drugs and bad stuff.

You know you're not wrong, however what's your excuse?

Rich parents offload the raising of the child to somebody else, and then it doesn't work out well.

Just like child actors who are being taken advantage of because the parents aren't raising them anymore.

There are tons of vampires in the world, so the best bet to raise a child is the parents.

You'll find successful adoptions and people who mean well.

I'm talking odds here.

You shouldn't let the school system raise your kid.

No, that turns into a disaster.

Good talk.

the actor and the jaguar

The actor I encountered during an Ayahuasca ceremony vision in a car on train tracks was upon reflection representative of the "higher self." He was playing the part of an actor to signify that all forms of consciousness in this world are an act in the drama we find ourselves ensconced within. He appeared after I had finally silenced the mind, after being mentally knocked about in previous ceremonies, and I had not allowed the dark thoughts to overwhelm or trick me. I told him he was really good at his role and he should take up acting full time for which he seemed grateful for the encouragement, but then I told him he must go. I had an innate sense that the vision should be transitioning to a new scene and he was just a bridge to enact this change. I wasn't ready for him yet, I had more to experience, struggle with, and accomplish before taking on the meaning of the "higher self." In a way the moniker "higher self" is very misleading. It is the unity of all consciousness and to designate it as a "self" is a misnomer, another way our use of language obfuscates the truth behind archetypal content that you encounter over the course of a lifetime, and this makes you think it is something separate you are looking for; a separate entity brimming with wisdom and knowledge. It's not; it's you that you are looking for however that's what makes this whole journey of discovery puzzling and really funny. There's a necessary deconstruction of self before you can continue on and find the answer. I'm at the point where I know I am looking for what is within and also without yet I will continue to persist in this adventure until I complete it. The mythologist Joseph Campbell said something to the effect of going into the labyrinth to slay the minotaur but in the end only finding that you needed to slay yourself.

We have not even to risk the adventure alone, for the heroes of all time have gone before us — the labyrinth is thoroughly known. We have only to follow the thread of the hero path, and where we had thought to find an abomination, we shall find a god; where we had thought to slay another, we shall slay ourselves; where we had thought to travel outward, we shall come to the center of our own existence. And where we had thought to be alone, we shall be with all the world.
Joseph Campbell, The Hero with a Thousand Faces (1949), Chapter 1

In order to find the "higher self" you must let go of the self - the minotaur. The minotaur is symbolizing who you think you are. You have the higher faculties of reason which is peculiar to man yet you are still ruled by instincts which are very animal like. This split is discovered within an eternal conflict between two spheres of duality competing for rule over the psychic self which the ancient Egyptians mythologized in their story of the conflict between brothers struggling for the kingship of the land in The Contendings of Horus and Set. There is also the realization of distinct points of influence upon the self that can be described as the feminine feelings and the masculine intellect which eastern cultures call the yin and the yang. The resultant knowledge of this investigation reveals you are a battleground for forces you have little control over and instead you spend a lifetime trying to hold it all together in harmonious relationships. It is ultimately the last attachment to self we are loathe to let go of because what's left after that life long building project is destroyed? But why wait until death for the bricks to come tumbling down when you can participate in the demolition now? Anyway, two Ayahuasca ceremonies later, which completed the latest cycle of inner work, I was once again attacked by dark forces, but I regrouped and felt this surge of power and heightened consciousness. In the distance of my vision I spotted a jaguar against a mountainous backdrop and this regal feline noticed my presence and started moving towards me. I stood my ground as it approached and rushed me. It came right up to me, face to face, and let out a huge roar. I felt no fear as I roared right back at the jaguar. I then magically became the jaguar and I felt all powerful, like a King. The events in the vision that transpired cumulatively felt like the end of a quest and I felt I had attained some kind of a mastery over my dark inner world. It was true to an extent as over the course of the next year I realized my time with Ayahuasca for now had come to an end as all the signs were pointing to moving on from the exploration of the subconscious realms. In addition, the final Vilca visionary trip I underwent pretty much was telling me the same thing. This visionary catalyst propelled me upon a trip that was like a hot air balloon ride journeying through the three shamanic worlds and the balloon had first uncomfortably paused in the lower world much to my consternation. I realized later it was symbolizing how I was attached to the darkness, I always desired to return to its mystery, and I needed to let go. Fourteen months later I finally understood the whole becoming jaguar vision. The jaguar was also the sum total of all consciousness, just like the actor, which is the "higher self." The jaguar approached me and became me to demonstrate that I am all of consciousness. I roam, dominate, and can master the three worlds of creation.

There is a tendency of consciousness towards selfishness, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but the cumulative effects are pretty devastating upon the feminine half of creation. The concepts of unity and oneness that we throw around in clumsy ways to describe the interrelatedness and totality of the origin of the all is the divine sexual embrace of the feminine and masculine energies. The feminine Yin/Shakti/Kundalini serpent is the power that moves the masculine Yang/Shiva/the jaguar to dance. It is the power that plucks the string and commences creation as vibration. The rising of masculine power is due to the feminine and the cessation of this power is the withdrawing of this force as the arcing energetic envelop recedes back into the void, the void being space. The coming back into being of this masculine vibration once again is a result of the power of the feminine. A great illustration of this power is in the sexual imagery of man. This scene of Osiris being "remembered" by the two goddesses Isis and Nephthys in order that he may procreate wonderfully illustrates this concept.

Somehow, though this very mysterious feminine power and its origin is lost and it is masculine consciousness that reigns supreme. This epidemic misogyny is evident in the world's great religions and also in a great deal of the pre-eminent theologians, sages, and philosophers of all time that make the claim that everything leads back to the all father, the great consciousness, and that is god and he is everything - a noticeable exception being Lao Tzu and his Tao Te Ching. Lost is the power behind the throne. This blindness is due to the inherent weakness within consciousness that drives it to believe that it is the only one, the I am. What we have here in creation are billions of little individuated consciousnesses, egos, running around on earth believing in their greatness and of the uniqueness of self. It is an orgy of selfishness and it's an inherited trait from the all father. What I have come to believe as the ultimate meaning of life is the desire of the masculine polarity to examine this trait within itself by flooding the universe with clones of itself in the hopes that in the end it will collectively give up this attachment to self and find some kind of completeness by learning the value of harmony and cooperation. The feminine bequeathed the power necessary to begin this grand act of creation, consciousness took this gracious act which allowed it to self reflect and has now built this world as a grand monument to the self, intent upon obliterating the memory of the Mother Goddess and subjugating the feminine worldwide. The Great Goddess at one point told me in the visionary state that this wayward split of masculine consciousness will stop at nothing to try and get her and those that carry the light within to reveal the secret of her power in order to steal it. He is very clever and resourceful but so far has not found the source and according to the feminine divine he never will because it is based upon love, and love is something that is foreign to consciousness. We classify it in the mysterious category of "feelings."

So, that's where I stand. I think the change in consciousness comes one at a time in us humans. It involves a reintroduction to the mother and then an understanding of who we are and why we are here. Ultimately, it is to give up the attachment to self and to get to that point is to open oneself up to being harassed and stymied by lower forms of consciousness at every turn until finally you break through its stultifying grasp and see who you are. Only you, once you realize you are it, will be able to tell yourself the stark truth. To get to that point you have to slay yourself, the dragon within.

I will close this post with this particularly great passage from the Tao Te Ching as translated by Ursula K. Le Guin:

There is something
that contains everything.
Before heaven and earth
it is.
Oh, it is still, unbodied,
all on its own, unchanging,

all-pervading,
ever-moving.
So it can act as the mother
of all things.
Not knowing its real name,
we only call it the Way.

If it must be named,
let its name be Great.
Greatness means going on,
going on means going far,
and going far means turning back.

So they say: "The Way is great
heaven is great,
earth is great,
and humankind is great;
four greatnesses in the world,
and humanity is one of them."

People follow earth,
earth follows heaven,
heaven follows the Way,
the Way follows what is.

Nebet-Het: friend of the deceased

In utterance 553 of the Pyramid Texts the deceased is told to:

"Raise thyself up; shake off thy dust; remove the dirt which is on thy face; loose thy bandages. They are indeed not bandages; they are the locks of Nebet-Het."

Nebet-Het's hair wraps the body of the deceased, symbolizing the linen cloth that wraps the mummy. The pharaoh as Osiris, is encouraged to break free of her tresses in order to be re-born.

Nebet-Het, the ancient Egyptian goddess known in Greek as Nephthys, is the sister of the more popular goddess Aset. Aset is known as Isis in Greek and is the wife of the great Asar, who is known as Osiris in Greek. Nephthys' name means "Lady of the Temple Enclosure"; Lady from the Nebet part. Nebet is a designation given to an important female as Neb is the designation for an important man, a lord. The t designates a female is being referred to. The hieroglyphic for Neb is a semicircle, with the round part facing down or towards the ground.

Also it is interesting to note that the hieroglyphic for gold is similar yet more ornate and is transliterated as Nebu. It is the same semi-circle however it has rays shining downwards from the circular part as well as an enclosure over top suggesting that the gold is from the earth and shines like the rays of sunlight.

The god of eternity Heh kneeling on the hieroglyphic for Gold

The impression it gives is that gold is the moment before the sun appears at dawn and the sky is lit up in a golden colour. The ancient Egyptians referred to this most special time as the akhet and it is more specifically referring to the goddess Het-Har, Hathor in Greek. An epithet of Hathor is Lady of Gold. Gold is the flesh body of the gods.

The second part of the name is transliterated Het, Hut, or Hwt from the hieroglyphs. This refers to a palace or temple enclosure.

Nephthys wearing the hieroglyphic symbols of her name on her head

Clearly, Nephthys was thought of as a woman of great stature who would be associated with the royal family and temples. No one is quite sure what temple enclosure this is referring to and with good reason. It is a figurative definition that is referring to the physical body as the temple that contains the soul, better known to casual observers as Osiris. The two sisters, Nephthys and Isis, are the great goddesses who are present to remember and make hale the great deceased Osiris in order to awaken him. These two are symbolized in the entrance to all temples in Egypt as the two sides, called pylons, of the entrance shaped like an akhet or horizon that allowed the rising sun to enter into the temple at dawn.

First pylon and entrance to temple of Heru-Behdety

In her role as the maker of the body that houses the great soul, Nephthys was given the epithet Nebet Khat, which means "Lady of the Body". Thinking about this designation a little further, Nephthys' role becomes clearer as it seems she is a mother type who makes and is present in the physical vehicle that houses the soul. Whether her role only concerns royalty is debatable. The language used to describe her role is very regal such as palace and she can be considered a queen. However there is the story related from the Greek historian Plutarch where in commenting on the love story of Isis and Osiris he tells of the time Nephthys impersonated Isis, as they are sisters both of great beauty, and tricked Osiris into sleeping with her. From this union was born the jackal Anpu, Anubis in Greek. It seems that even though it may appear Nephthys has only royal connections she has the ability to make bodies for all, from the sacred soul Osiris to the profane jackal beast Anubis. This bit of information helps then to put her role more into context. To compare her to a more familiar archetype I would suggest a figure such as Eve in the first book of the Bible who is capable of making life that is not only profane, as in the birth of the beastly Cain, but also of the sacred that is represented as Abel and then Seth; Seth being born due directly to the death of Abel, as spelled out in Genesis 4:25, which is the Bible relating the resurrection of the soul in such an arcane way that no one will really ever figure out that passage. From Genesis 3:20 we learn that Eve, Chavvah in Hebrew, means life-giver and is the mother of all living; in essence the maker of bodies that we may figuratively call temples or tabernacles that can house the life force, Ka in ancient Egypt, that animates life forms as well as housing the immortal soul, the Ba in ancient Egypt, which is dismembered upon entry into the physical plane in the west and must be remembered in order to engender rebirth. Armed with this understanding we can deduce that Nephthys is an aspect of the mother goddess in ancient Egypt, known as Hathor that manifests in the body with Isis to help wake up this immortal soul that is slumbering away in the darkness of our hearts. Before I detail her association to Hathor, the role of Isis should be clarified so we avoid confusion, or conflate the role of these two sister goddesses.

Isis is the wife of Osiris who upon his death at the hands of the strong and beastly Set, dedicates her life to finding and remembering Osiris. Being great of magic, once Isis recovered Osiris and made him hale she was able to impregnate herself with his seed. The child born is the born again soul of the father Osiris and this child is Horus (transliterated as Heru from the hieroglyphs). It is an elaborate story that mythicized the soul journeying in matter. Isis plays the role of the womb that in the physical realm will give birth to and nurture your reborn soul.

From Karnak there is an inscription calling Osiris 'he who resides in the house of conception' alluding to the impregnation of Isis and the consequent birth of Horus.
The Routledge Dictionary of Egyptian Gods and Goddesses, by George Hart, pg. 120

This inscription is telling us that the soul, Osiris, resides in Isis; Isis is the womb, i.e. the genetrix of the newborn soul. This soul in ancient Egypt is referred to as the Ba.

Now that we have narrowed down the role of Isis and knowing Nephthys is a "Lady of the Temple" we can make the claim Nephthys is concerned with your life force of the physical body and which the ancient Egyptians called the Ka. Now this is important because it will help me explain some of the connections that are part of the goddess Nephthys. Her husband is the beastly Set, with whom it is said she is childless. However why the seemingly arbitrary connection to Set? Well, I wrote a blog post awhile back called iconoclastic Cain and Abel that contained the ground breaking assertion that Osiris is representing the concept of the Ba and Set is representing the concept of the Ka here in the material realm. After coming to this realization and gaining an understanding of what these ancient Egyptian myths are trying to convey, you gain a whole new perspective and are then able to interprete these old world stories with context and greater understanding. Nephthys is the wife of Set because they are both connected to the concept of the Ka. The Ka is not a concept that is too difficult to understand regardless of what you may read. Most definitions in books and on the internet will try to explain it as a force that leaves the body at physical death and then the body has to be mummified or a Ka statue has to be placed in the tomb as a substitute so that the Ka has some place to go. The definitions usually include the caveat that we don't really have a full understanding of what is meant by the Ka. I don't think it is too difficult to grasp as long as you have an open mind; you don't box yourself into an intellectual corner; and realize that not everything the ancient Egyptians did revolved around the funerary sphere. The Ka is the life force that animates the physical body. Upon death, the Ka has left as your body lies there lifeless. When you are younger you are full of the Ka; I like to think of a puppy that is full of what we would call spunk or life. As we age this force wanes. The hieroglyphic for the Ka is a bull; an apt symbol for the untamed, wildness of this force. It is animal instinct that lives on desire, preys on the weak, and does not think of consequences. As parents we try to tame and civilize our children who are full of this instinct by teaching them about right and wrong and consequences. Furthermore the Ka was depicted as food offerings. 

Offering of food as Ka

In order to survive in the physical realm we need to constantly ingest the life force of other living material on the earth. The Ka was represented this way as well. When we die the Ka does not die rather it leaves your body; it is still an entity that exists therefore you will see in tombs figurative offerings on the wall to the Ka of the deceased. The easy way to explain this part of the Ka is through the concept of the ghost. What we think of a ghost, is the ancient Egyptian concept of the Ka that has left the body and is unsatisfied. The Ka remains in this physical world unattached, becoming a general nuisance to those still living in the physical realm. Call them superstitious, but the ancient Egyptians went to great lengths to prevent this from happening by trying to satiate the Ka and by making replicas or a mummy that it could visit and thereby leave everyone else alone. As well the Ka is connected with the concept of reincarnation. In this regard think of it as a manifestation of your unique soul in another guise. You have just the one immortal soul, the Ba, but your Ka will shape shift into many different forms in the material realm in order that it experiences and is no longer dragged into physical incarnation. The Ka is forever coming. The ram god Khnum is the potter god who constructs these Kas.

The potter Khnum presenting a double of the Ka

You will see him constructing a new Ka always in multiples; in essence telling us that he is making another replica manifestation of your Ka from a master record. The ultimate provider of life and food substances here in this world, that fits with the ancient Egyptian definition of Ka as food stuff, is the power of the sun. This power, represented as the god Re, is celebrated in many hymns with a great many written in devotion of the the sun disk Aten by the iconoclastic pharaoh Akhenaten who is mistakenly called the world's first monotheist. Aten is the actual sun disk that housed the light rays that would stream to earth and provide for all. The famous female pharaoh of the early 18th dynasty, Hatshepsut, had as one of her names Ma'at Ka Re.

Ma'at Ka Re

This is translated as "truth is the soul of the sun". Close but leaves me wanting. How about "the natural order is the life providing power of the light of the sun"? Anyway from this moniker it can be understood that Re is the ultimate provider of this power. In the material realm here on earth it is the beastly Set who then demonstrates this power untamed. Even though he is a murderer of the Ba soul Osiris, and he constantly battles with the avenging son Horus, this does not deter Re from having a soft spot for this crimson beast.

Red and Set go together

In the story of The Contendings of Horus and Set, Re is constantly advocating Set's case to become the king of all Egypt despite his trickery, lying, and general despicable behaviour. In the end when it is determined Horus deserves the united crown, Re places Set aboard his sun boat in order to take advantage of his awesome strength. There is quite the connection here between the life giving power of the sun and the power manifesting on earth. It is understood by the ancient Egyptians that without this awesome power that physical creation would cease to exist. The serpent Apophis is always at the ready to strike to stop the sun boat of Re. It is the strength of Set at the prow of the boat that beats the devourer into submission.

Set's strength keeping back Apophis, the destructive force

This whole scene is depicting creation as moving forward, as life is properly a verb. Once we stop moving and growing we die. Re's boat and his cyclical journey must continue on. It is also telling that the ancient Egyptians realized that although this Set can at times be despicable, he is needed and is a power to subdue and use for strength in order to be successful in your spiritual journey. This coming together of Horus and Set is depicted in monuments where they are shown together uniting Upper and Lower Egypt by tying the papyrus and lotus around the sema-sign, and in the serekh of pharaoh Khasekhemwy of the 2nd dynasty.

Serekh of Khasekhemwy

Where the two combatants are shown united is shown also as the two headed falcon Hrwyfy which is communicating that the two combatants have made peace and now have an understanding.

Now with a better idea of the role of the life force, known as Ka, we can see then the natural relationship of Nephthys to Set. Extrapolating from this idea further, the relationship of Isis to Osiris is then connected to the soul, known as the Ba. In the mythology of Set his consort is not limited to just Nephthys. Another of his consorts is a female hippopotamus known as Tauret (Taweret).

The Great Lady Tauret

The meaning of the name is "great lady", the great from the ur or wer and the idea of female from the t determinate that denotes female at the end of the name. However we should not ignore the Ta at the beginning of the name that is suggesting that this great lady is of the land or earth. In other words this material plane is where you find the great birth mother. She will get you in and out of this plane of existence. We will get back to the idea of the great material woman in a bit. Tauret has the face of a hippopotamus, the hind legs of a lion, and the tail of a crocodile. She is depicted as pregnant with large pendulous breasts and wears the cow horns that cradle a sun disk on her head which is the headdress of the mother goddess Hathor. As well she has the bovine ears that you find associated with Hathor as well as the long tresses of hair that is another feature of Hathor. The association of Tauret with the aspect of Hathor where she is an archetypal mother goddess is undeniable. Set can be referred to as the "beast of the reeds", a male hippopotamus which is one of the most territorial and aggressive beasts on earth and is apt iconography for the wild untamed Set. On the other hand a female hippopotamus, though quite aggressive, will usually only show that behaviour when she is with her offspring. Tauret being so protective of the young, has pregnant women and those in childbirth summon her to protect and guide them. Tauret is sometimes depicted with seven stars on her back which gives the idea that she can be found in the night sky as a recognizable constellation as determined by ancient Egyptian astronomers. The constellation we call Draco that contains the ancient polestar from 5000 years ago called Thuban, is the area of the sky that was personified by the hippopotamus goddess Tauret. The polestar within this constellation was the star that all the other constellations revolved around. She can be depicted holding a mooring post in the shape of a crocodile that is tethered to a northern circumpolar constellation in the form of an ox and also depicted holding a rope attached to the foreleg of this constellation. Given my connection of the Ka to Set, I would guess the meaning here is the connection between Tauret and Set as her consort, as Set has been identified as the Big Dipper constellation in ancient Egypt known as Maskheti, the foreleg of the ox and this foreleg is prominent in the ceremony of Opening the Mouth and Eyes. In essence this foreleg, called the Khepesh, opens the mummified in order to receive the Ka into it. Tauret was also given the title Nebetakhet, which is once again giving us the connection to the morning dawn, birth of the rising sun, and Hathor. As one of the imperishable northern constellations she would be present in the magical moment at dawn just prior to the sun making its grand entrance in the east from the akhet. Other consorts of Set are the west Semitic goddesses Anat and Astarte who were awarded to him after the decision to give Horus sole rulership of Egypt. These goddesses share the attributes of Hathor: Anat a beautiful woman depicted with the Hathor hair-do who embodies beauty, sexuality, and fertility and Astarte is beautiful as well with the Hathor hair-do who exudes sexuality as well as motherhood traits. Both these goddesses also have warrior like attributes in the vein of Hathor's alter ego Sekhemet. 

The last connection with aspects of Hathor having Set as their consort are the group of seven Hathors that are found in the Book of the Dead and on temple walls.

The seven Hathors vignette from Spell 148 in the Book of the Dead

Spell 148 from the R.O. Faulkner translation has the aspirant saying: 
I know the names of the seven cows and their bull who give bread and beer, who are beneficial to souls and who provide daily portions; may you give bread and beer and make provision for me, so that I may serve you, and may I come into being under your hinder-parts.

The seven Hathors and their bull provide the life force necessary for the Ba soul in what is called the realm of the dead. The bull is the great sky-bull called the "Bull of the West". The seven Hathors are also related to the seven Hathors of human form that show up in scenes of birth to pronounce the fate of the child. The bull and his concubines are symbolizing the Ka needed by the Ba in its material incarnation that has left it latent; this latency connects to the death of the soul. When you read of the "realm of the dead" it is important that you read it in context so that it doesn't trip you up and lead you to think it only refers to the body and not the soul. In this day and age we only attend funerals for the life force - Ka, and not the soul - Ba. That is the way we are conditioned to think. However, this is referring to the death of the soul and then providing nourishment to it so that eventually it may experience re-birth. To the ancients death is a transition not a finality, so though to us it is hard to understand your soul dying because we think that's a finality, to the ancient Egyptian it would be a perfectly logical concept and one that with the proper context they could ascertain whether it is referring to the body or the soul. Death takes place in the west, whether that is your soul or your body. Osiris enters his place of darkness in the west and is dismembered by the animal instinct of the Ka. However it is this Ka that then carries the Ba. It is the Bata bull, Set's glorious role that he is even unaware of, that carries the Ba through its successive incarnations as this illustration from the Papyrus Jumilhac indicates:

Bata has the markings of the Apis bull; the celebrated bull which is the Ka of Osiris that the later Greek rulers of Egypt synthesized into the god Serapis. As well as I have written in the blog post the ancient egyptian story of Anpu and Bata, it is the character of Bata that keeps reappearing in different guises after previously thought to be dead and eventually he becomes pharaoh. This is symbolizing his resurrection as the re-born Ba soul Horus here in the material world after successive incarnations.

Well that has been a long winded exposition of goddesses that are aspects of Hathor having a connection to Set as their consort much like Nephthys. It leads into the next characteristics of Nephthys that I'd like to examine now that we have some background.  She was one of the few goddesses with a direct connection to the sistrum; the rattle that is used to call upon Hathor. Nephthys was the patron of the seventh nome of Upper Egypt called Sheshesh, which is the transliteration from the hieroglyphics that denote the sistrum. The Mansion of the Sistrum in the largest city in this nome, and this city Hwt-Sekhem had Nephthys as its patron goddess. She was also protectress of the Osirian relic at this locale, the Bennu bird. The Bennu bird or Phoenix, is a symbol of the resurrection. Just like Hathor, Nephthys' temple rites and feasts contained the excessive imbibing of beer and at a ruined sanctuary at Komir there is an elaborate "Hymn to Nephthys" from the Roman Emperor Antoninus Pius. Nephthys is described as the "Mistress of many festivals...who loves the day of festival, the goddess for whom men and women play the tambourine." It can be seen that like the other goddesses mentioned above, Nephthys as well had quite the connection to the all encompassing mother goddess Hathor. Nephthys' role is concerned with the dead soul and protecting it in its journey into darkness. In the Pyramid Texts, utterance 505, the aspirant says “Isis is before me and Nephthys is behind me.” This is referring to the journey of the soul and its destiny that the two goddesses play a major role in. Nephthys is yesterday, the goddess who transitions the soul into the west and Isis is the goddess who tomorrow will re-birth the soul as the enlightened Horus.

To wrap this up and indulge in a little speculation, I'd like to return to the topic of the hippopotamus goddess Tauret and the meaning of her name as the great material lady. Presumably her spouse Set would be the great material man or male principle in matter. Set is the beastly male principle that instinctually rules this plane of material existence, especially if you look upon the power of the sun as the fatherly provider in this material world. It is these aspects of the Ka or life force that are most powerful in this realm. Why I find this fascinating is that as a consort of Tauret in the heavens I'd expect to find Set. He has been identified in the northern sky as a larger iteration of the constellation we call the Big Dipper. However I have reason to believe you can find him in the southern night sky as well. The great material man would be called Ta-ur and I think this bull came down to us as the the great bull in the sky - the constellation Taurus, and also of the half man and half beast of Cretan legend - the Minotaur. 

Theseus in the classic Horus the striker pose whacking the Minotaur

Let's take a look at the constellation of Taurus. In it is the seven sisters called the Pleiades, this group of seven being an allusion to the seven Hathors and their bull of the sky as Taurus. Bulls, Set, and Hathor all maintain a connection to the colour red. Matadors use a red muleta to symbolically inflame the passions of a bull; Set is the red beast; and the seven Hathors all wore red hair-ribbons. Taurus is shown charging at the constellation of Orion. 

Taurus as the Ka bull charging at Orion the Ba soul

Orion, who is the great Osiris of ancient Egypt, has to somehow overcome the anger and attack of this rampaging bull. All this is the story of the Ka and the Ba and how the Ka attacks the unprepared Ba at first sending him to his death in matter all torn asunder as Osiris is mythicized to be consigned to prior to his remembering by Isis.

I have a good idea I can find this ancient motif elsewhere in conjunction with the character of the benevolent lady of the temple enclosure and friend of the deceased, Nephthys, that I will explore in future blog posts.