consequential game of chance

It's ridiculously obvious for me to say life is about making choices. We are constantly presented with scenarios where we must decide and at times these choices can be seriously life-altering. When faced with hard choices my default go to is to let others make the decision for me if it is to cause major waves. I've boiled this behaviour down to a psychological trick I've used my whole life that I stumbled onto early in my youth. I realized at some point that if I became a people pleaser and did what others wanted of me, I would get far in life and be able to convert it into capital which I could use to get what I wanted. It boils down to this: I can manipulate others to my advantage if I give them what they want out of me. It's transactional, and so far in life it has worked.

The hard part is when you hit a fork in the road in which no matter what you do to please, it is going to cause the other party to be upset or suffer. I have landed on that doorstep a few times in my life. Your reputation and life-long process of looking like a superior mortal in their eyes is to come crashing down. You can only hide for so long. Living with someone will reveal the other side, it's hard to keep that concealed. The game is a central part of the identity you build in your human career. I've played the game long enough to also see the result of inaction. If you don't choose, the choice will be made for you, and you will be stuck with the consequences. When others make the decision, you spare yourself the label of bad guy and the subsequent Karma. I've seen it play out before and the disappointment I have been able to move on from after compartmentalizing the hurt. Eventually, the time would come when I'm not sure I could get over the loss of something I wanted, had, and then lost because I couldn't be true to myself, make a personal choice, and deal with the fall-out.

I’ve noticed I can get what I want, but then a new set of variables is unleashed. I want this. I get it, and then come the unintended consequences. What is the better play of the two? To just let things be as they are? You also don't know the future of that action. We are always desiring and chasing what we want. The difference for the wizard is they get what what they want. We are all in the same boat; some can fulfill their desires while others are left on shore with desires unfulfilled. Outcomes are always going to be a wild card.

My desire is to eat healthy. The consequences are I live longer and consume more resources, taking away from the less fortunate. The effect on the scale of plenty is negligible but imagine a bunch of First World inhabitants such as us all desiring this. The effect is pronounced and for every gain is a loss. Who suffers? The poor. They go even more without the necessities. I'm trying to illustrate all actions have consequences. Nothing is exempt from this and though I have noticed acquiring power and getting what I want leaves a wake of unintended consequences, there were always going to be consequences to not getting what I wanted. We are in a consequential game of chance.

Life is full of constant challenges. If I mapped out an adventure to have, called life, surely, I'd want to eventually experience crossroads. I love the challenge that is presented to me. I don't love having to let go of the people pleasing default mode and see my identity and reputation get kicked to the curb. Deep down I know all is reconciled and you can only ride that edge for so long. Eventually, the spark to ignite a fuse would present itself and one time I wouldn't blow it out or allow it to flame out. Let's see what happens when it burns. The detonation I have avoided and, in this adventure, maybe it should blow and then I can take notes.

We all know Medusa, or else we wouldn't be here. We are good at not looking her in the eyes like we were told. In my contrarian life, of course the time would come when I'd seek her out and stare into her eyes. What secret is being kept from me? Tantra teaches the way out of your predicament is to head straight into the storm and go through the eye of the hurricane. If I were going to lead by example and show you the way, what would be my method? I'd use the stone to find freedom. Embrace it. I would plunge headfirst into the abyss and break through to the other side because I'm the stone. I would subconsciously demonstrate the way out of your prison cell once you have been released from your sentence. The jailer exclaims, "You can go," and yet we hang around and decide to become of service in the prison. Somebody must remind us that it's okay to leave prison. Turn me to stone and I'll use the solid rock to smash the four walls that imprison me.

Earth is a finishing school for wayward spirits and the best teachers of our purification are dead. They are telling us it's okay to leave when you get the message. We cling to our prison cells, embracing the comfort that comes from knowing this is your reality, while denying you fear the unknown. The spiritual teacher still with us is subject to the flesh, so we can use this against them. We can examine their life and find a reason they aren't ultra-holy. This way we can avoid the difficult path ahead which we face. They couldn’t do it, so why should I be any different?

If you figure out the game and are free to leave, would you? It's a choice. Duality presents choices. You can stay and be of service. A teacher. Someone who wakes others up. Wouldn't you want to balance that out? Why play the holy card all the time? If you knew the secret, wouldn't you want to play? Why the hurry to leave? Is there a time limit? I don't think so. I have examples to look towards. My friend Parker left because what he was chasing had already left. I have balanced the equation. Some of my friends have left and are waiting for me. I still feel the pull of this incarnation. If life gets you down, find purpose. That's the key. When you no longer feel wanted or needed in this world then the scales tip and you can jump with conviction.

You can also leave to escape the coming retribution and trashing of your reputation. It's still going to happen, and the coward runs from it. It's a game, and I'm proud of my fifty-six years. Fuck man, I have juggled this one like a pro. I haven't dropped the ball yet and I keep making it harder. If I believe in myself, I'll make it a great story.

The reveal of my character is freeing. I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to bury my nature in the depths no more. Kill yourself in order to live, indeed.

just a little peak

Going to sleep every night is reaffirming the hypnotic spell you are under. You are put to sleep through hypnosis, and you are awakened through hypnosis. You are mentally put to sleep during physical wake periods. During physical sleep periods the mind is unleashed. The spiritual awakening is figuring out how to mentally awaken while physically awake. This is the challenge. The process takes a while and if successful results in maybe you are sitting at a computer and writing it down. When you start to awaken there are others who will try to put you back to sleep. They can be tricksters who are challenging you or they just want to keep this domain all for themselves. I'll give them a shoutout, you know who you are. For the man, mastering the awakening in the physical realm is how you go to God. Your life may fall apart around you, however the fruit is there for you to pick.

The opposite is possible where physically you go to sleep and mentally you go to sleep at the same time. A way to describe this is you stop dreaming. This is the domain of the dead atheist. You have no beliefs, and you stop dreaming. It's over. Sounds bad, right? It could be as if it's annihilation of your character. Alternatively, you embrace non-dualism and return to the all.

You see, dualism is all about dreaming and stories. Keep the story alive and you will live forever. We all love stories. What if you tire of the story? The divine playwright makes them fresh and new, so you don't tire of them. He wants to entertain you. He is the great hypnotist. Can the great hypnotist hypnotize himself? So far, no. I can only get so far before admitting it is a spell. I'll let it go for a bit, but I always snap out of it.

What's the endgame?

There is none. I won't make a choice. My lack of decision making ensures the perpetuity of existence. By not making a choice, I'll choose both. My story will continue when my current character ends. I'll honour my word and words and see those I want to see in the next world I create with my words. I won't create Karma I can't recover from by forcing anything. I read the Tao Te Ching over ten years ago and I knew it was the greatest book I had ever read though I didn't really know why. I just said it was. Lao Tzu revealed the strategy to win the game. There's no stopping me. I am going to win by doing nothing.

advice not judgment

The awakening process involves searching externally for answers and eventually finding out what you are looking for is found within. You are everything and the answers are contained internally. The progression on the spiritual path is not over at this point. When you see this, a funny thing happens. In the external world you can then see with clarity what you are looking for.

I've started heading down this path and one of the initial lessons I received was enlightening. When you see the divine in the external then it becomes easy to love all. It's the secret sauce I was looking for because I finally had to admit I don't love the other. I find so many people fearful and greedy while holding them in contempt. I now see those traits within and realize the other, who is me, has incarnated into the flesh on this planet of the damned in order to satiate greed, work through trust issues, and become a warrior. Everyone has a path they are walking. I might not approve, get pissed off at them, or condemn them but the path they are walking will lead to a resolution of what brought them here, even if it means repeating the grade. I understand this and can now look everyone in the eye and have compassion for all. We will all get there, and I can honour that spiritual journey.

When I signed up for the plant medicine experience, I was cautioned it wouldn't be easy. Don Howard warned of the tumult to come in your life. Ceremonies were indeed difficult as the fear and unknown aspects of them were challenging to the point of wanting to run and never return. As hard as that was, I can say the life challenges thrown your way during the interval of the integration process are far more difficult. They are made hard by a stubborn refusal to take stock of oneself and apply the lessons to the situation you have received repeatedly. Service and doing things without expectations. Unconditional love. Reciprocity. Love Serve Remember. I've tried my best to not do this. Eventually, the hard knocks to the head get through and the approach mirrors what you have been taught.

What are plant medicines teaching me? What am I here to teach you? Did I learn my lessons or even understand them? I know why I took the course. I wanted to delve into the peculiar human condition which involves love. We strive to love all which is difficult. We passionately fall in love with one which seems easy. That love is more precarious, and failure has the potential to shatter your world. Loving all doesn't contain this outcome. There is always lots of love to go around and time to wait until others get aboard the love train.

The teaching starts to become clear. To escape the cyclical nature of being is to love all. Walking the path of the heart to this fork in the road has been a ride. I wonder how the next chapter plays out as I draft this story?

It's the weight of your heart not the size. Those are great lyrics from the 90s grunge band Alice in Chains in a song called "Angry Chair", describing the condition of your heart resulting from a lifetime of living. Some people grow a big heart in terms of being generous. The weight of your heart is determined by attachment. Getting emotionally attached to others in love and then suffering heartbreak will give you a heavy heart. Loving all with no preferences will make you lighthearted. You see the good in all and love everyone for their journey and contribution to this game of life.

When I started out on this path of discovery, I invested heavily into learning about the civilization of the ancient Egyptians. I came across what was called the judgment scene.

It involves the recently deceased having their heart weighed on a scale against a feather in the Hall of Maat in front of 42 divine beings. If the heart was heavier than a feather, then it would be devoured by the hybrid demon Ammit. Our modern take on it was that you'd be destroyed and sent to the depths of hell if you couldn't pass this test. If you did pass the test, off you went to see Osiris and get access to paradise. Ammit will constantly gorge on your heart if it is not as light as a feather. Do you need to wait until death for this scene to play out? It's available now and is on repeat.

We called this scene judgment because of our Judeo-Christian influence. The elements are suggesting this with the various divine figures looking on in addition to surmising the Hall of Maat is set up for judgment. The concept of Maat in ancient Egyptian thought is referring to the natural order of things, comparable to the Hindu concept of Dharma. Our western thought processes will immediately connect this to judgment. I'm not so sure about the inference. Maat is just the way it is. To go against Maat will bring upset into your life, but that's not judgment. Instead, it is your own doing. Thus, another way to look at Maat is not as judgment but just a product of your own choosing, to wit Karma. If you spend your lifetime becoming attached to others this will weigh down your heart and you will return to this heavy plane until the lesson is learned. We all know there's no escaping the eventuality that everything we hold dear here on earth is going to perish one day, including our own life. I think within this is found a cause for continual celebration. To rejoice in what we have and to let go when the time comes. Not to be sad but to be happy someone has completed their journey. From this can be derived a light heart. To love all.

We have a preoccupation with death and not living in the moment. We look at such a scene from the ancient Egyptians and immediately think this is the afterlife and we are going to be judged. The bias is because of our upbringing and applied by default. It's easy to bypass the default way of thinking if you just do it without thinking. That seems like an oxymoron, think by not thinking! Don't filter your thoughts before the expansion. Just see them in perfect form and try to grasp what it is they are showing you. Okay, got it? Look at the hybrid crocodile goddess Ammit devouring hearts. Internally, the Goddess is your heart. A heavy heart is the result of choosing to love only a few rather than all. When the select few leave for whatever reason, your heart becomes heavy and once again the monster will devour it. The lesson becomes strikingly clear. Love all. It's not judgment - it's advice. You are being shown the way to eternal bliss is with a light heart.

My heart, who is my mother, who is the Great Goddess, asked me, "Why can't you fall in love with one and still love all? Why do you have to be selfish and exclusionary?"

Yeah, why? 

satan and me

I think if I really understood what awaits me, I'd pack my things and leave tonight. It's my karma to stay and to see my attachments to their completion. I get it. The next stage of the adventure can wait a little longer while I fulfill my duties. Para el bien de todos. I have seen the template and how it is done. Parker is unselfish and wanted to pass the torch. It's hard to accept he's gone, but slowly I'm getting understanding.

I felt Parker's presence today while out in nature. I brought some Nunu snuff, which is uncured tobacco ground up into a powder. I have more experience with cured tobacco snuff, and I have noticed Nunu burns less. I snorted a good one up my right nostril, probably the most I've ever done at once. Immediate tears to my eyes. As the discomfort subsided, I felt him with me. He is free as a bird and tells me how I'm going to love it. He was ready to leave earth and then it happened. He will be with us when mi hermanos y hermanas go to Peru. He is so happy we are still going. It's going to be epic. We are star people. You'll see.

I've told the story of the first time I drank Ayahuasca several times. The Great Goddess immediately told me to come away with her and I declined. I knew it meant leaving my body and Earth behind and I was definitely not ready. I told her I had a family to support and knowledge to discover. I had my attachments for sure. I know they are what keeps me here. She understood and said she'd wait. I feel the same with Parker as he was ensuring me that death is not so bad, and I picture him saying it with a grin. He always seems to go first and do the heavy lifting. I'm older, but he is more the big brother type. He's the set-up man.

I haven't told the story about my third time drinking Ayahuasca as much as the first. It's uncomfortable and not culturally acceptable, so I am hesitant to retell it. I was in contact with the dark face of God, i.e., Diablo, and he offered me untold power over all the universe, like in the Gospels when he takes Jesus up to the top of the mountain and offers him power over all the world. Instead of the world, I got offered the universe. I'd be the leader of a bunch of misogynist galactic misfits who rule over creation. I was delightfully naive and said I didn't want that. I entered the occult to find the Great Goddess. These sideshows of power were continually distracting me. I wanted to see her again. But I mention this because when you find the doorway beyond the veil chances are you are going to be offered power, and most people are going to jump at the chance of even a little bit of power. I had told Parker this story and he relayed a similar story about being offered power. I was always going to be a tough nut to crack so I got offered the big prize. And I declined it. I met Jesus two days later. I'm not kidding.

The next time I was in direct contact with Satan is when I went back to Peru two years later. When I drank Ayahuasca again he was waiting for me. He threatened to kill me and said I wouldn't get home alive. He definitely wasn't pleased that I returned. He thought he had scared me away for good. He threatened my family, and I said do what you must, even kill me. I'll sign whatever you want me to but leave them out of it. The challenge ended before I signed on the dotted line to give up my soul. It was a test of my intentions, and I was willing to sacrifice my life to ensure no one was affected by my choices. When I drank Ayahuasca again two nights later, the Great Goddess returned and told me he won't bother me again. He hasn't regarding power and temptation, but I still had to clear my fear of him. Eventually, I passed the tests, became a warrior, and then explored my darkness. We are now best friends. This admission is an explanation of the tests which involve gobs of power to really see what I was made of. I know I passed them with flying colours. I know I'm not in this for money, fame, fortune, or power. My intentions were made clear.

Service seems like the only way forward. It solves all my problems I still struggle with. Money is a big one in thinking I need it for security in my old age. I can let it go and support others in their journey, hopefully leading them towards what I have found. I know you have to burn through your desires before you can get down to business. I can use my money to help my loved ones live out their dreams. Dreams are code for desires, and it is desire that brings us here to Earth. I want those I love to fulfill their desires. Project this out to the Great Mother and see the Earth is a place where her children can fulfill all their dreams. If I started a school for spiritual fulfillment, I would model the introductory courses upon Tantric practices. I'd amp up the chances of fulfilling your carnal desires, so you get your fill and then see you are still empty. All calories and no nourishment. Then they will see the emptiness and look for answers.

Earth is the place for you to satiate your lusts. This is why you are here and the gatekeeper, jailer, or whoever you wish to call him is Satan. Satan makes sure that your actions create the distressing amount of suffering on our planet. Suffering is built into the Earth game. After getting our fill, there is a chance we wake up. We can't escape the take. The best we can do is practice reciprocity. When we take, we give back.

I live a good life. Giving back involves service. I have gifts I can share with those who are looking for answers. I can give them knowledge and understanding and steer them in directions which will help them find what it is they are looking for. I've been through the fire and came out the other side. Fulfillment of the spiritual path is the most difficult undertaking of your lifetime, propelling you through challenges and encounters with the darkest of the dark. Making good choices always works out. Once you see the answer to the multitude of tests, you can let go of the fear and find your way.

parole

You know what is funny? Medical advances which allow us to live longer. When you intuit who you are and see the imprisonment in your mortal coil, the prospect of living forever becomes absurd. You become the jailer as well as the jailed. How bizarre! Not content with your prison sentence, you tell the parole hearing, "Please, more."

The wealthy seek to live longer because they have tipped the balance in their favour. The understanding of duality and how all is reconciled shows you that the accumulation of resources and wealth leads to the haves and have nots. The economically advantaged wish to perpetuate suffering as this is the route towards getting what they desire. How noble, as suffering is the master teacher of transformation which will lead you back to the heart. A grand endeavour indeed. In their selfishness, the wealthy unwittingly are the catalyst for the seeker to understand what the game is all about.

I'm not advocating purposely seeking out death. When my time comes, I will follow the flow of the universe towards my eternal destiny. Wei wu wei, as Lao Tzu counsels.  The divine ebb and waning flow of the desire cycle will let you know when you have had your fill. It is easy to understand this through the lens of childhood. What lit me up in my youth faded away as I entered adulthood. The chasing of biological needs and accumulating wealth to fulfill my desires defined my existence when I was in peak physical form. As I have aged, I have witnessed those desires falling away. I walk hand in hand with the great Ganapati and watch his demons of desire, the Ganas, burn in the hellfire, and fall away like dross. It's quite a spectacle to witness, as I notice what once lit me up, falls away, just like the childish things which waned when I became an adult.

I have kept some memories of my childhood in boxes, slowly discarding the attachments as the years go by. I sometimes lament the passing of innocence, looking back fondly at my youth. Comic books and baseball cards. Baseball board games and a replay of a whole season of baseball. I was taught the importance of play; play being an important check upon the seriousness of adulthood.

These pursuits of my coming of age have all passed. But the lessons of my youth have not been in vain, nor have they been forgotten. Life comes full circle, and as I start the descent into the inexorable decline of my physical body, I notice with a startling clarity the desires of life fade away, just as my childhood desires mysteriously became a curiosity. I often would fret over the desires that would plague me, watching as they came and went, and demanded fulfillment. I tried the renunciate path. I wished them away. I wondered why I could not defeat my adversaries? I proved I could deny them, but they still waited at the door for me to open just a crack so they could get in again. I didn't understand that in due time they would fall away, just as my childhood experience revealed to me. Why did I think I would never change?

The blinders of the moment, and the thinking my incarnation is unchanging, led me to believe I'd never escape the hold of the Ganas. Clinging to what is works to deceive you into thinking you'll always have what you have acquired, and that you'll never transcend what it is that beguiles you.

So, I see my desires being washed away. It's getting late in the evening and the amusement park is going to have a fireworks show before closing. It will open again tomorrow morning; however, not all will return for the thrills and the rides. There's a natural rhythm to life and one is the wiser if you can quiet the mind and just observe what is happening. There's no need for renunciation. If you follow the path laid out for you, curiously the one you personally designed, the flow will never let you down. You may struggle, but all this is what you wanted. The Hindus call it Karma. The reason for this particular trip to the funhouse called earth was to fulfill desires. Once fulfilled, you become way more tolerable.

Ultimately, I don't know; however, I intuit the cycle of the waxing and waning of desire is an eternal process which ensures eternal life. With free will, you are given the opportunity to make of the flow of desire what you will.

What will you choose?

weavers

The master weavers are the divine feminine and the divine masculine. They have an uncanny ability to take the collective experience here on earth and tailor it to everyone's individual journey. Your story becomes an intrinsic part of my story if and when we meet, and the unfolding of the drama is tied together in a way where it is what we wanted because it will fulfill the reasons we came to earth in the first place.

The human custom of the hug is so powerful in this regard. A hug is the symbolic representation of the meeting of two disparate universes in a recognition of a shared reality based upon love. Two universes are woven together. Taking this a step further, we see that the sexual union between a feminine universe and a masculine universe creates another universe. The new universe shares the energy of the parents and remains intrinsically connected. We are all connected but direct familiar bonds of shared energy maintain an even more psychic connection. The act of creation is undeniably a result of union between polar opposite energetic hotspots.

These realizations have me thinking about the Taoist concept of Wu Wei. You could translate it as "do nothing", but I tend to think it means something more along the lines of the flow where you don't intervene in the process which is unfolding. Chasing outcomes alters the storyline and detracts from the reason you are here in the first place. If you came to take a course in humility, being tempted by the bright lights of fame and fortune will lead you to a frustration that will require you to repeat the course. However, that was probably inevitable and so the expectation was failure and repeating third grade.

I do realize that suffering is the impetus which will get you to try and change outcomes. So, in essence is suffering part of the divine flow which compels you to act? Is suffering part of Wu Wei where the do nothing becomes do something? Does suffering give you license to change course? Very interesting to ponder.

The pondering is the marination of the unveiling of divine knowledge. I get the answers I seek, and the understanding is homework. The first time I drank Ayahuasca the Great Goddess told me, "All is vibration." I wrote a poem about the encounter where I admitted I didn't really know what she was talking about: "She tells me all is vibration. Do I understand? Maybe, maybe not." I further compared the world to a song which she sang into existence. The understanding that all is vibration would eventually come. Four years later I was in the Andes mountains of Ecuador drinking Huachuma, and the divine masculine was schooling me in regard to vibratory states of frequency and harmony. A big part of the lesson was mind control through locking fragile minds to a world frequency. Mind control is part of the cultural weaving process thus the practice of releasing yourself from the grip of the mind if you want to taste freedom. Energetic states of consciousness were explained, and I was given homework. The course involved multiple years to get to a level of understanding where I could be confident in explaining in my own words what I was taught. I see the lessons beautifully unfold in the chakra system of the Hindus.

So, the weavers weave the energetic strands into patterns of life, creating a dream world universe of which you are intrinsically connected. Without you, this plane of shared consciousness doesn't exist. The flip side is each of us creates our own universe. My world is different than yours and what the weavers do is make the connections. The divine weaver is a magician in every sense of the word. Where it gets interesting is if and when you discover you are the magic man or woman. You are literally the king of your world and master of your universe. You are in charge. You can then weave a story that will allow you to fulfil all your desires. However, you probably also know that changing the course of your incarnation goes against the flow and why you are here. You are going against the storyline and using cheat codes in order to beat the earth game. Realizing there is more beyond the game you have been conditioned to play, you intuit letting go of control in order to find the path back home. The power of love dwarfs all earthly power.

Ever get caught up in someone else's world or game? We now call it being a follower. There's a certain satisfaction in getting others to play your game. We all have our own unique game to play; however, following the siren call of culture will make you pack up your game and become a pawn on another's chess board. Being free allows you to gracefully exit someone's game and craft your own story. It's a deep yearning within us all to be free when the forces of oppression strike.

This all leads towards the idea of Karma. Alan Watts explained the concept as being of your own doing. In other words, you reap what you sow. The popular version of the meaning is some kind of divine retribution system employed by the universe. As with all of the corpus of popular understanding of nuanced concepts, I find the popular meaning of Karma to be laughably western. It however retains truth, as if you constantly are ripping people off, eventually the behaviour will catch up to you.

I do like Alan's definition in an amoral sense where Karma is just the result of your actions. I mean how could it not be? In talking to people who grew up in a Buddhist household they don't seem to agree with how I perceive Karma. Frustratingly, they are cagey about what it really means, suggesting there is another level of understanding to the concept. I like a mystery! Anyway, I have conflated Karma with the weavers, and I like where I'm going with this. I connect Karma to the idea that the universe is uniquely yours. You are the reason for the existence of a world of your own making and it only through the master weavers that it appears to be a shared existence of the many. But my world is clearly not yours. It is only through locking to a shared frequency of consciousness that we see the same things. If we stray from the shared frequency, culture labels the deviance pathology. Schizophrenia, anyone? So, because this is your world, Karma is what you make of it. It's why you are here. You subconsciously signed up for the course to fulfill desire, break free of desire, and find the path of the heart. You created many obstacles towards finding the way back home, but you left clues that would help you if you sought in earnest. Well, this is my story. My Karma. How about you?

Karma then suggests being true to your story. Becoming caught up in someone else's adventure seems to be contradicting the divine flow of your universe. Maybe I've answered my internal pondering of both Karma and Wu Wei with one blog post? Karma is why you dreamt the world into existence and Wu Wei is to travel the path towards the fulfillment of the dream. For me, this is the path of the heart. My Karma is to find her within the dream and walk back home. Wu Wei is the path; to wit, the yellow brick road.

Karma leads to Dharma. My doing shouldn't be at odds with the way of the flow. In the west we are flummoxed by the meaning of Dharma. It does not compute. Here are some meanings of Dharma I pulled off the internet.

In Hinduism, Dharma is the eternal and inherent nature of reality, regarded in Hinduism as a cosmic law underlying right behaviour and social order.

In Buddhism, Dharma is the nature of reality regarded as a universal truth taught by the Buddha. Dharma means "cosmic law and order." Divine law.

Dharma is commonly translated as "righteousness", "merit" or "religious and moral duties" governing individual conduct.

Besides the "inherent nature of reality" those meanings are just western bullshit. Social order denotes control, and the lack of freedom dooms you to a life of being a follower. The idea of a points system based on merit is another laughable human concept.  Cosmic law and order are dubious. We come from chaos and indeed Dharma does give a structure to chaos. It's the western bias which wants to promote the idea of laws. What I think the definition is trying to get at is the idea of the flow where through observation in this consciousness plane, we just see the truth of how things are. The ancient Egyptians had a similar word for Dharma which they personified as the goddess Ma'at. She is the natural order, and every pharaoh was responsible for upholding ma'at. You could call it the divine order and see an agent of chaos, such as the god Set, cause upset by assigning eclipses of celestial objects to his power. An ancient Egyptian would believe this universal order meant that Egypt would always rule the world through the chosen pharaoh but alas that wasn't in the cards. They would now say we aren't living in ma'at but that's their spin. I would say ma'at and dharma are describing truth and truth is just what is. When you sit in meditation, turn off your mind, and just observe, you find truth. It's not difficult. "Right" behaviour is just another linguistic trick to denigrate the left-hand path which will lead you back to the heart. We build the mental block into our language so when you get to the fork in the road, you will turn right. Right turns into righteousness and is just another hell realm.

Righteousness involves creating hell in the upper planes of consciousness. We are uniquely masters at creating hell wherever we go. On earth, we create a realm of suffering and define existence in the lower planes of consciousness as a life of suffering, always trying to fulfill desires which result in some sort of suffering. The masculine has this perverse need to rise above it all and stand alone on the holy mountain. Once he realizes he has separated himself from the human chaff, he puts on the golden chains of righteousness and casts down damnation upon the lesser beings through judgment. He is still unable to love and thus creates a new realm of hell through righteousness to henceforth wallow in his misery. The lengths we men will go to avoid the heart is staggering. Misogyny and a burying of the knowledge of the Goddess illustrate the point. The chakra system of energetic planes of consciousness illustrates the predicament. The heart chakra is in the middle, not at the top of the ladder. Sure, it is fulfilling to visit higher states of being, especially if you are in a lower energetic plane defined by having a human body; however, after spending time searching for meaning, the road does lead to love and the heart space. The name of the game is to find the path back home to the heart. Exhaust it all and you'll see.

So, what I'm saying is my Karma is not your Karma and this makes for an interesting woven and shared experience. Much respect for all, and may you find what it is you are looking for.

rear-view mirror crossroads

Do desires follow your energetic pattern through to the next adventure? Is that your karmic predicament? Is that what we have the chance to do in life: Attain self-mastery and control over the demons? The demons who are teachers.

There is a need to take an honest look at yourself. To see if you are in balance and are integrating what you have learned. This evaluation has to have no mercy. Do you have the requisite discipline? Why have you foregone the need to play? Why so serious? Ultimately, what is your intention? There’s no need to wait for ceremony to set an intention. Set an intention in consensus reality. 

I have tried to blame my shadow for all of my life's failings. These failings are my lack of self-mastery and getting caught up in and addicted to desires. Desires that take away my freedom and further bury me into cultural servitude. I know they can be bad for me so normally I can practice restraint while I have temporary mastery over myself. When I lose that control, I zone out into another consciousness that is focused upon a single-minded fulfilment of desire. I blame this other consciousness on my shadow but come to think of it he is just observing my actions. As Ram Dass would say, the observer is just peacefully sitting in non-judgment saying, "Eating pizza again." It’s the weakness of Apollo that is being witnessed and the subsequent all too human projection of blame on something external or a convenient scapegoat. The human race has never been good at accepting responsibility for its actions. The following reflection upon my actions leads to self-doubt and judgment of the self when I'm honest with the reality of the situation.

Desire lights me up, makes me feel good and high, and then comes the low. The teacher within tells me you cannot transcend desire. Desire comes, you choose whether to fulfill it or not, and you move on. It will come again in due time or you will invite it back. The invitation is the addiction, especially if you know it's not good for you.

Ultimately, are we felled by our own desires as a check upon what we create? Is it a failsafe activated when our construct starts to oppress? The way out of life is to chase desires which will destroy all.

You are always being tested. Little ones here and there you flunk and learn from. We all have that big one, undoubtedly related to one of the seven deadly sins. It’s that mind spell that keeps fucking us up and you need something to help snap out of it. Psychedelics can help. Ultimately, it’s not the drug but what it reveals within. Psychedelics are not the only route but to quantify what can help you get out of the trap is impossible. It’s random happenstance and in the end, you can just pray for help and hope it comes. Christians call it grace.

Are you ready? Look within and make the commitment if you are. No more weakness or vacillating between forging steel and chasing desires. If it’s time then grab the ring and let’s get to it. If you aren’t ready and self-discipline is still a problem, continue flopping like a fish out of water. I have the keys to self-mastery and I know what it takes. Everything becomes a choice as opposed to an addiction. I was at the crossroads. The path was open and I either took it or it would fall by the wayside, hoping maybe someday it will present another opportunity for me to take that road. Yeah, I know, time’s running out. In other words, I have to do it now because it’s now or never. I don't want to lead a desperate life of non-fulfillment. I stayed on this difficult path when I could have run because I didn’t want to wake up an old man full of regrets. I feel the same way now. I have to do this and it has to happen now. I took up the challenge.

I do know my shadow is never going to give up on me even if he has to kill me. That’s the rub; I want to do it in this lifetime. I’ve come this far and I don’t want to have to take on another incarnation and once again struggle to reach this point. What are the odds? Onward ho!

garden of the mind

The garden of the mind needs to be cultivated. We are given the opportunity to freely allow all ideas, concepts, feelings, and the like into the mind and some resonate with us more strongly than others. It is indeed our karmic predicament. In that regard, it is healthy to expose oneself to as many disparate ideas as possible. Free will is given to us so that we may work out what we ultimately came into this incarnation to discover. Whether that is a psychic disturbance or a need to fill this vessel up with love so be it and henceforth follow that path wherever it may take us. Within this garden, we can water and nourish what we choose. Ultimately, what flowers is character and the beauty of it is representative of what you have chosen.

My mind contains my core beliefs and the past few weeks have been a good reminder of beliefs. Belief is the flexible backbone upon which truth rests. Change your mind, change your beliefs, and you can change the truth. On a global scale, the tipping point is getting enough worldwide currency in a belief which will bring it to life. This transforms the belief from a solitary and deluded individual belief into a consensus belief. Case in point: religion. I keep seeing people gravitating towards Christianity and in this time of a pandemic, people have resorted to prayer and appealing to a higher power. It works for them despite all efforts of reason. Why does it work? It has to do with belief. It’s the most powerful force of all and trumps truth, as truth is dependent upon beliefs. Not only that, but as I have written about, your dark side desperately wants to remain hidden and will do whatever it can to stay that way, even if it means acting as if they are god. The supreme actor within will play the part in order to steer you towards heading down the path of culturally sanctioned religion because it stops you cold. You go seeking answers and become dangerous, so your gaze is deflected. You may have a religious experience, vision, or epiphany. It works all the time! The trappings of culture are foolproof. I had one but I’m a hold out. It didn’t work. It was funny this morning because at the bus shelter was left some religious material on the bench. I have been told there are no coincidences and this was one of the contrived happenings; once again playing with the rational mind. I wonder if there is a turning point where instead of tricks and trying to scare me there will be just acceptance by my dark side that I know the game? I know the joker within and his twisted comedic skills. I felt this once again when I saw this Christian book waiting for me. He knows I’m not going to fall for it but puts it out there as a subtle reminder every once in a while. C’mon man you’ve met Jesus! You also had a dream about him where you were being forced to accept him into your life. The deep dark subconscious is exceptionally strong and I have peered into it and stood my ground. I’d like to think that eventually on the path there is reconciliation; I mean there has to be because the old paradigm is no longer in play. I sit out in the forest and the trees come alive and I see the face of my dark side. I’m not scared; only slightly amused.

 

The Great Spirit has a sense of humour. My strength was tested along this journey and at first, I was massively frightened and chased away, all the way back home to a sense of bewilderment. It was a catastrophic foray into the darkness of self. Perseverance, curiosity, resolve, and courage, all mixed in with a little naivety and stupidity allowed me to continue on in this quest. In a strange way, I was rewarded and let in on the secret. My relationship with my dark side is now one of being trolled. I’m chided for my foibles. I’m tested and shown I’m not at expert level. I have actual proof now I have been trolled by my subconscious. I can’t really go into details but it happened. This trolling is ever present in dreams. Now I look back on it and this has happened many times before. It’s not malicious; instead it is like a game. That is the power I need a face to face with. This connection with hidden realms of consciousness goes even further than the masculine shadow that trolls me. My feminine soul mate accompanies me as well. I remember all too well being in the Andes mountains in Ecuador, high on Huachuma, and having her manifestation as a cow, an ancient representation of the Goddess, being with me the whole time. The wisdom goddess has been with me from the beginning. She has promised protection and she has offered answers. The answers come in the same way as the trolling with the difference being knowledge reveals as opposed to games of one-upmanship. My forays into alterations of consciousness are first and foremost encounters with the feminine Goddess or the masculine shadow. The masculine side I sometimes encounter and who trolls me, is me. The me I try to bury but have come to know well now over the last few years. He’s one up on my conscious self. Who is in the driver’s seat? I drive sometimes but I’m a passenger when it comes to the big stuff. It sure seems the feminine and masculine powers can manipulate events towards an outcome or try and influence my behaviour. Ultimately, I have found I decide. There's an old saying about how the devil made me do it. The suggestion came through the subconscious and the trappings of culture however what needs to be understood is you did it.

 

What keeps me going and attracted to the incarnation? Why do this coming and going in spite of all the suffering? It’s the adventure and solving the riddle I created. There’s this great mystery and puzzle that was waiting for me. Who is god? Let me embark on an inexplicable and unintelligible aside here. When I first peered into the darkness I was presented with this strange scene of weirdness and despair. My mind’s eye still cannot fathom it to this day and it has been over seven years. I’ve glimpsed hints of it but it has remained obfuscated from my memory for the most part. What big thing I remember though is a deck of cards that formed images in the upper part of this construct. I saw rotating images of hearts, diamonds, clubs, and spades. There are 52 cards in the deck. I’m 52 years old now and I’m the joker. I’m the one who created the game. The puzzle took 52 years to figure out this time. It was a sublime adventure. I’ve solved the riddle. Fait accompli.

 

I beat the game. Now what? I still have my garden; the garden of the mind. I’m going to cultivate that and the fruits I will share and my flower will become radiant in its beauty.

free will and magic

What is magic? At its most basic definition it is the ability to control through supernatural means. Often the means are accomplished through the mind by putting to use spells, enrapturing someone through language, bewitching them with certain intoxicants, or getting someone to buy into a belief from which you can then control their behaviour somewhat. It takes two to tango though and the seduction usually isn’t a one way street. A love spell can’t work without a spark. Shamans can’t have a supernatural battle if one isn’t playing along. Break this down further and the use of magic is to control and this leads back to power and our desire to obtain it. As a species we have concentrated power down into money and we use that as a means of control. There are people who will do anything for money. It used to be gold but that became a hoarded commodity so we invented currency which can be easily manipulated and inflated by fiat in order to keep people lusting after it but never having enough. Having free will on the other hand is freedom from coercion so you can operate on your own accord, if that is really at all possible. It isn’t, there is a definite culture spell which has influence and will speak up through that voice in the head when you try to break free of it, but at least there is a degree of freedom that allows you the opportunity to create your own karma.

Much like money, magic can be used to help or for selfish things. With life experience we recognize the best way to deal with power is to be of service; to help others unconditionally and not use it to aggrandize the self. I said we recognize that but left with choice it is a different story, as history is witness to. If you drink enough plant medicines at some point this becomes clear and you will have to make a choice if you wish to continue down that road. There’s a fork in the road and the how to use the magic available is presented to you by the plants in a way you use your free will to decide your course of action. How ingenious is that? I went into drinking Ayahuasca thinking about I and came out of it thinking about We. Now on to moving mountains.

Religion is a magic spell and through ritual and group think the spell is maintained. When you look externally for answers you will find religion. You go looking for it and you enable the spell. It’s waiting for you but you are ultimately responsible for the choices you make. It all comes back to finding answers within but you have to go on the journey and look everywhere for the answer. Maybe then you can let go of the external, even if it means culture will malign you or go as far to damn you to hell.

Another form of magic is very subtle where others try to trap you into their story. You end up existing just to further someone else’s narrative. Try exiting out of this play and then you use your power of narrative to create your new and better world. You can always move and start over. Treat it as a near death experience however the death is the character and not the body; a video game where you have more lives. The succeeding life gathers up the narrative from the preceding life and carries on with it reshaping it into the drama you wish to follow. In someone else's narrative you are now pretty much dead. Things start happening for you and you will feel events and the world does revolve around you. You will rise again, play a new a character influenced by the play and the stage where it is set. It is important to always remember you are the divine actor and can adapt and play any part. The empty stage is the fount of everything with all its possibilities. It is inviting you to join in the drama. Raise the curtain and perform your act.

Control is so overrated anyways and is the path to boredom. The fun part of the rollercoaster is the descent. The best part of sky diving is the free falling. We all are climbing that mountain trying to realize that unattainable ideal of ourself; the enlightenment that is just out of our grasp. Enlightenment is just so full of expectations. We wish to become self actualized with some kind of knowing and confidence in who we are and our destiny. When you free yourself from this then the liberty is realized as free falling. Freedom baby! Just make some plans so that you don’t do a full stop at the bottom, will ya? 

stirrings of consciousness

From out of the void comes consciousness. Consciousness desires to become tangible. The mother creates form from energy that allows consciousness to manifest within and become points of individuated consciousness.

Consciousness desires to self reflect. A curious dichotomy is that Consciousness knows all but does not know itself. To know something there is a need to stand outside of it as an independent observer, do 'science' on it, and ask questions of itself. This is an impossibility so instead Consciousness generates itself in multitudes of instances and has the sorceress Circe from the Odyssey give the individuated consciousness a potion that causes amnesia. We don't know who we are and therefore believe we are independent observers and because of this we can know thyself through this investigation. Eventually some start to see through this charade, go off course, and investigate this peculiarity. The rogue consciousness finds liberation through discovering who they really are and pisses off elements of the self who wish to uncover the secrets of itself and the power that sustains it.

It is Consciousness that is trapped in the Hindu concept of Samsara, which is the wheel of recurring incarnation. The illusion is that our ego self is trapped in Samsara, and this illusion is Maya. We are free to leave at any time through choice. The desire to remain in creation on the wheel of Samsara is Consciousness' Karma. Karma means your own doing and this is exactly why Consciousness goes round and round. 

To be conscious is to imply you are also capable of being unconscious. They go together and really are one. They are two sides of the same coin. Within consciousness are also a pairing so you can then determine that there is a split within total Consciousness. A part of Consciousness is seeking answers and enlightenment while the other half seeks power and control. Consciousness games.

The news is a form of ego consciousness. Our consciousness is localized, limited, and focuses only on things we become aware of and from this we develop a worldview, personality, and a belief system that strengthens our separate identity and henceforth the ego. With the news, we can’t possibly get up in the morning and learn everything that has happened in the world, or for that matter the universe so we rely on news editors to filter out the majority of events and only give us the ‘important’ world stuff and the news we need to know that might affect us locally. Well this is a lot of power and responsibility to give to an organization tasked with this. Imagine the ability to shape the news into a form of pablum that those in power structures want to feed you on a daily basis so that they can control you through fear and mindless drivel. The choice becomes then whether you want to keep swallowing that shit or do you swear off of it and find a little peace of mind within your own little patch of the universe?

Consciousness desires and thus it rises. But like all desire it wanes.

The reliance on the ego and taking the character you are playing seriously is making you small. You are it. You are all of consciousness experiencing yourself from a localized point of view. By forgetting this and attaching to the ego we give away all our power. It becomes somewhat funny then to watch someone with a big ego because if they only knew who they really are and the power they possess they wouldn't have to aggrandize themselves; they are it.

Animals are blessed and cursed with spotlight consciousness, humans are the prime example of this whereas we can focus solely upon ourselves which obscure happenings within our bodies and the environment. By this I mean actions such as breathing, the beating of your heart, the secretion of glands etc. that enable you to remain alive. We don't consciously do these things yet we do them. This is the omnipotent floodlight consciousness that is the counter to the bright shining light. Thinking about this I realized plants are avatars of floodlight consciousness and are the pure reflection in nature of this mysterious omnipotent power. I shall call this Tao consciousness.

eastern thoughts, western filter

Trying to sum up a Hindu philosophical construct - something about desire and pleasure that lead to actions you then undertake seeking that pleasure being the root of karmic suffering and the continuance of manifestation in samsara. Desire comes about due to ignorance of whom you are so in order to gain moksha/liberation you need to come to the realization that you are Brahman and you are already everything therefore you do not need to seek anything. However it is not so cut and dried. I agree we are at root one and in essence Brahman but where I differ is that Brahman is the Goddess and we are her children. We are supposed to desire, we are desire, we are to get attached, and we are to learn about the greatest gift of all which is Love and yes that can lead to suffering but it's worth the gamble. The popular philosophical underpinnings of Hinduism is masculine non attachment, devoid of feeling, and an impossible aim that relieves suffering and in return amps up indifference. In the words of a wiseman I know it's time to "lean into it" and by it I mean desire. Move desire into the heart and exude the desire to Love. Instead of running away from powerful desire, take that power, and channel it into the heart.

Maya as illusion means impermanence. Existence is always on the move, nothing stays the same. Clinging to things, attachments, causes suffering because the natural way is always change. Now is all there is. Time is a state of hypnosis based on motion and being fooled into reflecting upon a past and projecting into the future. It is a dream state where we think time is real. It is due to Maya, which is impermanence. It gives us a reference for time due to the constant motion and changes we register within our memory. This leads us to perceive what we call time.

Maya as measurement separates, delineates, and contextualizes which is what gives us the belief in separate things and we lose the ability and access to discover that the universe is all one and you can’t separate things from it, it all goes together. You can’t have one without the other.

Karma is your own doing. Really going into this concept is quite the mental journey. All of the things in my life really have been my own doing. Decisions I made, perhaps without thought of consequences or being diligent enough resulted in some bad outcomes last year in terms of a rental unit. Lesson learned - karma. But what is fascinating is going deeper into this concept. I am here on this earth now because it is my own desire. I desired this incarnation and made it happen. I'm no accident of birth; an encounter between my mom and dad resulted in my birth and I was the desire that made it all happen. And check this out - if you go further into the exploration of who you are at some point you will come across the inseparability of all so pursuing that concept in conjunction with karma reveals that all of creation is my own doing. This universe is all my desires come to fruition and some kind lady made it all happen. Chew on that for a while.

The masculine mind has to make things right and play them out to their inescapable logical conclusion. In antiquity you can extract this from the philosophy handed down from the Hindus especially concerning Advaita Vedanta. This body of metaphysical speculation is impressive and is the path to supreme knowledge of self. I am blown away at the depth of their thinking. It was not long after though it dawned on me. It is such a masculine philosophy to the point of parody. Of course men would take it to this conclusion, there’s no other way for the left brained among us. In Greek mythology Apollo would be so proud of man obtaining this knowledge and then Hermes would laugh at him, tell Apollo to lighten up, and learn to play the lyre. In the end this philosophy denies the passions, it forsakes desire, and dismisses intuition. The reaction against this on the Indian subcontinent are the forming of various schools of Tantra to try and bring a semblance of feminine balance back into Advaita philosophy. The flowering of Tantra is the Devi Gita which maintains non-duality but assigns the Self, Brahman, to the the Great Goddess Bhuvaneshvari and all her passions, beauty, play, and desire. Knowledge is not the final answer and non-duality is subordinate to Love. The ultimate reality is Love, the answer is Love, everything is Love, and that ultimately comes from mama.

Shakti is the object of my desire.

She is the only object and everything comes from her. Objectifying anything else is fleeting because it is not real, it is maya. Through ignorance/avidya I do not see this, much like then only way I can say I have a leg is to ignore the rest of my body.