truth or trust

What's the deal with human beings?

I asked the question because of a line in the movie "The Matrix" where Agent Smith details to Morpheus how humans are essentially a virus.
Mammals will develop an equilibrium with their environment except for humans who will extract everything they can and then move on in search of something else to plunder.
This ties in with Tao and how the optimum strategy for life is balance and how if you leave something alone it will find the way back to balance.
What drives our aberrant behaviour?
Initially, I thought of greed and selfishness.
I think you can ascribe the qualities to a collective where we come together as a tribe and adopt a position of greed for the collective versus the rest of humanity.
We cloak our avarice in community and use the power of the group to get what we all want.
We distribute the gains among our group and make sure everyone bows down to the patriotic concept of the group.
You are describing a country.
Yes, and how you are expected to sacrifice your life for that country.
You get your reward if you play along.
I lucked out in terms of war where there was a respite between battles among nations while I was of fighting age.
Yeah, you incarnated at a good time in history.
Was that an accident?
Do you think you would have discovered the meaning of life if your head was blown off?
Well, no, but a disability might have quickened the process.
Just as being born in a war-torn country would have altered your existence.
You'd be focused on survival instead of getting up in the morning and making sure the coffee maker is on the correct setting for your morning brew.
Everything comes with a price.
The price leads you back to balance.

What is life?
You mean what are we doing as a species, don't you?
Yes.
I think you see it.
It's all a strange act and we are mostly hypnotized.
I think even if you aren't hypnotized you wear a suit to signal that you are willing to play the game.
Get a haircut, shave, tidy yourself up, put on a suit, and away you go.
I want to say it's funny but there's something deeper about the whole show.
It's not who we are.
Who are you?
Essentially, a barbarian.
I would have accepted libertarian.
I see it when I go for a walk in the woods.
The catalyst is the Goddess.
The feminine force is wild and unkempt.
It's fucking strong.
It's majestic.
The forest is her.
The jungle as well.
That's the first thing you were shown when you initially drank Ayahuasca.
11 years later and you clearly see it.
It took a while.
Well, there's a lot of varnish on the mirror I use to interpret what it is I'm seeing.
I'm grateful I got to a point in my life where I saw it.
The suit is your mask.
The mask of the Greek dramas was a little much, so we came up with a suit.
It's clever.
Do you think everyone has an intention that revolves around greed?
It's necessary to survive.
Without it, you easily perish.
There are extreme forms of greed and that's the path humans as a collective have chosen.
I will ask you how you perceive this in yourself because I know you will answer the question honestly.
Yes, I have become more truthful to myself.
To others, not so much.
I don't know if that's the answer to the question of truth, but I'd guess it is.
To be blunt, it's the way.
Don't lie to yourself.
What if you were truthful to others?
I'd be alone and taken advantage of.
Truth is a negative.
Yeah, we have done this lesson.
There is no truth, only belief.
Okay, but what about reality and what I have done?
You can spin it, or you can tell it like it is.
You can hide it.
It's all part of the drama.
Is it a moral failing of me to not live in complete truth?
Are you expecting a reward?
Mostly a punishment.
From who?
Someone external.
Who?
God or the Devil will spank you for your failures.
Okay, who are they?
Aspects of self.
I already did that lesson.
There's nothing compelling you to tell the truth.
Stories are based on lies.
That's harsh; I'd say concealment and deception.
Isn't that worse?
Stories come from the darkness and not the light.
Life comes from the darkness.
When you are ready to end your story, tell the truth.
Oh, I see.
The secret to eternal life is to lie.
You can word that better; that might turn people off.
The secret to eternal life is to continue your story.
Yes.
How do you do that?
You spin a yarn.
A tall tale.
Stories are based on beliefs which you craft through deception and misdirection.
Apparently, I'm good at it.
Yes, you are a master.
Okay, I was thinking of something else before this sidetrack.
Live in truth to yourself.
Don't deceive yourself or you will be a victim of hypnosis.
Balance the truth with your interactions with others.
Are you greedy?
I'll eat the last piece of pie.
I've earned it.
I think I'm balanced in terms of greed and being of service.

There's reality.
Truth is a hammer used to destroy you.
We all have a weak spot, and truth is used to bludgeon you where you are vulnerable.
I'm sort of uncomfortable with this.
Why?
Because I have been taught to tell the truth.
Who taught you to tell the truth?
My parents and society.
Do they always tell the truth?
No.
Do as I say, not as I do.
Why do they not always tell the truth?
Self-preservation or to gain an advantage.
Lies and deception shape reality.
Reality is what we believe.
Truth is a concept that will only work if everyone is truthful.
One lie and the concept of truth can be taken advantage of.
So, in the game you try to discover others' truth and then use it to your advantage?
That seems like a strategy.
I'd file it away and not use it as a sword of Damocles you dangle in front of someone.
If you use truth as a blunt instrument, people will abandon you.
Truth is useless in a world where others practice deception.
Not necessarily, you can use truth to gain trust.
Why do you gain someone's trust?
So you can take advantage of them.
That's a terrible way to view life.
Yeah, I see that.
Okay, what about dogs or animals in general?
You must gain their trust if you are going to have a good relationship with your dog.
It's easy to do if they are puppies; the older ones take more work, but it can be done.
If there is no trust, there's no bond.
With trust, the bond is super strong.
Yeah, it's been hard to let go when the time comes.
The bond I have had with dogs is the most rewarding thing I've experienced in life.
It was based on trust.
Not the truth.
What is the truth to a dog?
Not much.
What is trust to a dog?
Everything.
Is trust accessible through truth?
It can be.
What is trust?
Trust is dependability and that you will try your best to support them.
Sometimes you lie to others in order to protect someone you have invested trust in.
It's called having their back.

In order to experience trust, you must plant seeds of doubt in your head.
If you had no seeds of doubt in the garden, you could not grow trust.
Trust needs the darkness in the soil to blossom.
This is the garden of the Goddess.
She gave you the gift of doubt so you would be wary of your darkness.
Your darkness will do the things she told you about if you do not trust the darkness.
Do you see the predicament you are in?
Yes, it's a twisted pickle.
I like that.
The twisted pickles.
You trust the Goddess to sow doubt, and you trust the darkness to blossom when you feed him.
The darkness will become the light.
What do you see in nature?
The darkness becomes the light, and the light returns to the darkness.
How many times have I failed this lesson?
What's the story of scraping off the top of the mountain with a silk scarf until it is reduced to nothing?
It is a metaphor for a long time.
So, you are saying I am on the precipice of mastering the lesson in trust?
Yes.
That's unbelievable.
For sure.
I mean why you and why now?
I see the lessons in the curriculum which lead to this question, and I know how it would trip me up over and over.
In order to pass this course, you trust the Goddess and the darkness.
What trips you up every time is the Goddess tells you the darkness will stop at nothing to trick you and steal your power.
I believed her and didn't trust the darkness.
The lack of trust led to your multiple failures.
I didn't know that she was sowing the seeds of doubt so that I would have to trust the darkness.
I get the feeling trust is transformational.
Yes, that's a big part of the lesson.
Putting your trust in someone will profoundly change you both.
It's how you make darkness, light.
You trust.
It's alchemical.
If you do not trust your inner darkness, then you will succumb to your lack of trust.
It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The darkness is good exercise.
Yes, you worked up to it.
How is your mind?
Powerful.
You must trust the darkness and being out in the woods.
I don't know about that.
Can you trust the darkness?
Then you trust the darkness even though you have doubts.
That's the winning formula.

Humans fall into patterns of behaviour which are comfortable and lead to hypnosis.
Sounds like a relationship.
Yes, a relationship leads to hypnosis.
Is that trust?
False trust.
True trust is not trusting and still trusting.
Clear as mud.
Confusing.
Trust is freeing.
You have no trust, and you trust.
When you let your dog Luna off leash you didn't trust her.
You still did it.
What is that?
Trust in freedom.
You don't want to possess so you let them go.
You trust they will come back.
If you chase you will lose.
Luna taught you that.
You don't chase.
Let them come back to you.

trust

You know to trust Dionysos.

That's the magic.

It will end when you don't trust him anymore.

Now you know he will get you out of anything.

If you try to change it and do something yourself to alter the outcome, then that means you lose trust, and it will end.

So, is this agreement based on trust and sacrifice?

Yes.

That's our friendship.

So, do you trust me?

Yes, you always make good decisions.

They are not always so great off the start, but they work out.

So, you realize I do make choices.

Yes, it's 50-50 on the doing part.

You just know that if you leave things alone, they work out because of me.

I know that when you make choices you are following your story.

You know to stay away from the witches.

Well, not all of them.

You can play with a couple.

Pick your poison.

Don't overdo the witches and you will be good.

Okay, thanks.

I suffered for it.

It could have been worse.

Catastrophic crumbling down of everything.

You still trusted me after that.

Yes, I did.

In Dionysos we trust.

Dionysos saved you, you know.

You can trust him.

You faced him, didn't run away, and brought him into your world.

He wanted to do that for you.

He will grant you what you desire.

That I know and I'm smart enough to stay true to my original story.

I chase the Goddess, and let the chips fall where they may.

My story is that I chased her.

The result of the chase I leave for mystery and adventure.

What is next?

The highest form of uselessness and nonsense is masturbation.

You can use male sperm to create life and instead you ejaculate into nothing by yourself.

It's an extreme form of uselessness which becomes pleasure.

That's why it feels better to masturbate when you know about the relationship between pleasure and being useless.

Masturbation beats intercourse when you know.

Especially if you can spice it up.

Everything needs some spice.

The problem is when you act on your masturbation fantasies it becomes an unknown story that plays out.

Just do it by yourself and think of things to do.

Today's lessons were about when you know you are going to die and masturbation.

Those are two important things to consider.

Masturbation represents the ultimate form of nonsense.

The question of when it's time to go answers what you have for a belief system.

Belief is the most important thing you can consider.

Your belief system is that life will continue.

You were challenged that if you are so sure of that, why don't you kill yourself?

That makes your beliefs 100%.

Never go all in.

I know there's trust in this world.

All returns to the flow and balance if you let it be.

There's no truth, there's trust.

I know this world must be balanced.

I know the rest of my life is devoted to not caring.

I found meaning.

I found the ultimate question.

I found Tao.

I learned to trust.

I learned the truth doesn't exist.

I saw how belief shapes your world.

I found the true question.

The answer is to not care.

By not caring you will love unconditionally.

That will take you home.

You walk the path of the heart home.

The path of the heart will teach you to love unconditionally.

You will return home when you practice it.

Where is home?

You visit different homes.

The cliché is home is where the heart is.

It's cliché for a reason.

You wrote a story about nonsense which leads back to unconditional love and the heart.

Yeah, pretty good, eh?

I'd say so.

I don't how you did it.

Magic?

If Mary Jayne didn't wear off, then you would be in your personal darkness forever.

The only problem with that is sometimes it's the Goddess coming through MJ and not always the darkness.

If your darkness took over, but you still spent time with MJ, then the Goddess would appear.

She's the one who keeps you sane.

What you must do is create a three-way balance.

You need MJ, so you remember what it's like to go in and out of your two consciousnesses.

Without her, you get stuck in one.

For the most part yes, but I can notice now when they go back and forth.

I know if my darkness has been present.

I don't always know in the moment because he's the same as me.

Who are you?

Exactly.

MJ will remind you of your darkness.

Without her, you will lose the ability to recognize him.

That's how it was most of my life.

I didn't notice him.

Now, you notice him, especially with MJ.

You know what he's up to.

Without MJ you would realize he's trying to take over and you don't see it.

With MJ, you see that he's trying to take over, however it's a foregone conclusion he will because the flow goes from light to dark.

Your task is to optimize this for as long as you have a body, and you will need his skills when you leave your body because you know you'll be useless without him in charge.

You need his black magic when you leave the body.

That's rebirth.

You need white magic when you're in the body.

You get ahead with light, and you reserve the darkness for when you don't have a body.

There's an art form to this.

You'd have to figure out when you are going to pass and the amount of darkness you will need when that happens.

It's ascending now.

The darkness is heading to the light.

So, what is the best time?

When the two are balanced.

You see when the darkness is ascending, and the light is going dark.

The ancient Egyptians were showing you this.

Haremakhet.

That is a clue you need.

Roles will flip so your light becomes dark.

Dark becomes light in the morning.

That's when you change characters.

In the Akhet.

Become the dark as you head into the night and the light at the dawn.

Transformation.

The darkness got tired of the light and the light got tired of being darkness.

They switch it up.

That's what happens after they balance.

Good Paul becomes bad Paul.

Bad Paul becomes good Paul.

You must have trust to give the keys to bad Paul because after the fifty-fifty mark he will become good.

That's a tricky story and decision.

You must trust you can give the keys to the bad guy.

Isn't this an elaborate ruse to get the keys from you?

It seems that way.

I guess you must figure out what it is.

By that I mean is this the main story or is this a trick?

Well, why don't you run through the outcomes?

If you don't give the keys to your darkness what will happen?

He will become stronger and unmanageable because you don't give him freedom.

Freedom to him is to have the keys.

If you give him the keys, the trust will make it so he will not harm you.

To give him the keys is a supreme act of trust between the two of you.

We are both fools.

It always gets to this point.

So, is this another game that I'm playing in addition to all the other games?

Yes, you're playing a game of trust with yourself.

I get the feeling I've never won that game.

Why do you think you've never won that game?

Because I didn't trust.

If I had trusted him, I would have won that game, and it would no longer be a game.

Unless it's my first time playing it.

Do you think this is your first time playing the game?

No, because if it was, I don't think I would see pyramids.

The pyramid lets me know I played the game before.

If I've played the game before, chances are I didn't win.

The reason I didn't win is I didn't trust my other half.

However, he showed me he is trustworthy because he gets me out of messes.

Houdini level.

Gave me a get out of jail free card as well.

And my freedom.

He did all that for me, so I would trust him.

In previous games, he would have done acts so that I would trust him.

I would have decided not to give him the keys.

I wouldn't have trusted him and then I would have lost the challenge.

If I had given him the keys, I would show trust.

A while ago I had a lesson about trust.

Of course, I forgot it.

I always forget it.

This time I wrote it down, so I can go read the lesson on trust.

I think it has something to do with beliefs and that trust is something divine.

Imagine in previous lifetimes, you forgot the lesson on trust that would help you make your decision because you were absent for the lesson on trust and you ended up not trusting your darkness, therefore you lost the game.

What happens if I trust the darkness?

It becomes the light.

The sun shows you the answer every day.

Did sun worshippers ingest a lot of cannabis?

What's the worst that could happen to you?

I'd become a fool.

I think you're on your way.

Yes, I see that.

I'm worried the darkness would end me and cause problems.

So far, he has solved all the problems.

You cause problems.

This is true.

I take responsibility.

Dion got me out of it.

You were onto the darkness game, so others told you to stop talking about your darkness.

They want to figure out the answer to that puzzle and here you come along and you're going to figure It out.

Yeah, but you know what, I'll never be 100% certain.

I'll never go all in on it, and I will still have doubts.

It must be that way because I must trust.

Trust is teaching you to not go to the extremes.

You don't want total knowledge, and you don't want total stupidity.

You want to have some trust in the world and your knowledge is not 100% that my darkness will behave.

He's not going to behave.

You know what I mean.

If I know I made the right decision, then you know it's game over.

You don't have to continue playing.

You're saying, as long as there's trust, then you know the game can continue on.

Yes, when trust is gone in the story, then the story will end.

Trust is what keeps the story going.

If you know they will live happily ever after, then trust disappears.

In the ritual I did my best until the end and it didn't work out.

That's fine.

Why does it have to work out?

I'm a perfectionist.

So you're saying you don't have trust?

Yeah, okay, I get it.

Nice one.

That was the trusting ritual.

Your other half does seem foreign.

Of course, he was buried for so long.

That's why the Greeks call Dionysos the foreigner.

He came from afar and they didn't recognize him.

He's always been there.

You just didn't see him.

So, who hypnotizes who?

I think the hypnosis was agreed upon.

Dionysos didn't want to be seen.

Apollo wanted to be seen.

As I got older, I wanted Dionysos to return.

Apollo is at the Temple of Delphi while the light is in ascension and Dionysos returns when it goes dark.

The ancient Egyptians demonstrated the same thing with Horus and Set.

The thing is I always knew the other.

I never gave him a name, but I knew he was there.

He doesn't really come from afar.

He's not a stranger.

People assume he is, or they call him worse.

It's your other side.

I was kind to my darkness and gave him what he wanted.

Yeah, but then you went down to the Amazon jungle to out him and get rid of him.

Yeah, that's true, so who's the bad guy?

I am probably the bad guy.

He's not the bad guy.

He's just a fun loving guy.

He transcends morals.

The bad guy wants to keep him locked up.

I get the comparison.

I see how that increases trust knowing that the light Is just as bad as the darkness.

They are bad in different ways, just like they are good in different ways.

I think this ties in to judgment and morals.

Yeah, it feels like both would need to look in the mirror.

We know the darkness is bad.

We pretend the light is good.

Censorship and surveillance can be both dark and light.

The test is to scare you, and you passed.

MJ gives you clarity.

You see who you are.

It's a gift.

You are gifted.

You let it be.

If you fight it, then you lose because you don't have trust.

You pass the test and forge steel.

It's a partnership, dumb ass.

Do you like the new you?

Yes.

Your mind will try to plant the suggestion that your darkness is external.

That gives you doubt.

A little doubt forces you to trust.

What if you took the opposite approach and externalized who you have been your whole life?

There is truth to that because who you think you are is influenced by others and society.

Within your subconscious is something that hasn't been influenced by others.

In a way, it's purer.

It's more you because it hasn't been influenced by external forces.

Instead, it has been suppressed.

Your darkness can't be controlled, so it is suppressed, jailed, or caged.

Your light is allowed to shine because it has been programmed by society.

Stop suppressing and deprogram.

When you find balance, that is who you are.

If you are good, you can maintain that balance for a while.

Be the master juggler.

Trust your skills as a juggler.

I passed the lesson, right?

You didn't get scared, and you let it be.

You can become who you are.

Half light and half dark.

If you were fighting to maintain control, you would have run from this lesson.

That's how you pass.

You don't run.

Sophia brings wisdom.

Sophia is what I'd call plant medicine.

I know what you're saying.

You have come to realize this is what the ancients were talking about when you connected with Sophia.

She brings clarity.

She challenges you with stories and makes you do the work to validate them.

Poor you.

I know.

I'm still here.

I'm fine.

It's those who I have surrounded myself with who have suffered.

I experienced suffering by association.

I haven't directly suffered.

The toothache was bad.

True.

What is the lesson?

Life is nonsense, so you don't need to attend any classes.

Classes are something we invent to give meaning to the story and pass the time.

The story continues and the show must go on.

It sure seems that way.

A character exits the stage and the show goes on.

Is that the lesson?

Sure.

Did you learn anything?

Yes, it's not poor me.

It's poor for the characters whose stories ended.

Are they poor?

They get to rest in peace and take a break from the madness.

The madness is life.

Can you experience life without a body?

It's a different life.

It's all in the head.

You mean mind, head is part of the body.

Sure.

What if life is consciousness without a physical body?

Then anything is possible.

Magic is the norm.

Everyone is a magician in the afterlife.

Oh, so that's why you want to give the keys to the sorcerer before you pass.

They will get you through the madness of the afterlife.

Something like that.

So, is it all madness?

Yes, until the story ends.

Their madness keeps the drama going.

If you had no reason to incarnate, why would you do it?

You incarnate to escape the madness of being in your mind for eternity.

This life in a body gives you a break.

Take advantage of it while you can.

It's easy to distract yourself and get out of your head.

There will be plenty of time for that when you drop the body.

This feels like a lesson.

Having a body allows you to maintain a mind and body balance.

When the body goes, it's an extreme.

That's why we are attracted to incarnation.

We search for balance and the natural way is to incarnate again.

If you leave things alone, the cycle repeats.

Is this the lesson?

If you need a lesson, then yes, this is the lesson.

I think one day you decide you don't need to wear pants in public, so you end up thinking that's okay.

That's when you know you've crossed the line and you're crazy.

You can think those thoughts, but don't act on them.

The really crazy thoughts you don't act on.

Maybe a little bit to balance them.

The master juggler only acts upon the balanced thoughts.

That way he never loses a juggle.

The master juggler appears out of balance, so you look a bit like a clown, but you maintain balance.

Your appearance will mimic your state of balance.

When you let yourself go and stink, that's a sure sign you have something mental going on.

All good psychologists know that.

So, should I let it go?

Should I step up my grooming game?

The flow says to stay in the flow and let it go.

The fool in you says to do the opposite.

The flow would take you to extreme craziness.

The fool pushes you towards balance.

The fool is the master juggler because he knows how to get to a state of balance.

Tao is the flow, but you know from previous teachings that the flow takes you in and out of balance.

The juggler is the one who returns you to balance.

As you get crazier, you need to keep up appearances.

You let it go for a while.

I had to let go in order to go crazy.

Yes, so now that you got there, you must balance it out.

When the flow takes you to the extreme, you call on the fool to take you back to balance.

The flow would keep going if you didn't twist it back.

The fool tricks the flow into returning to balance.

Once he sees the flow returning to balance, he can stop playing the fool.

The fool is the juggler.

Without the juggler, the flow goes on forever and nothing happens.

The flow hypnotizes you.

The twist makes you see two.

It's twisted, so you can see two.

That's why the writer twists things.

Twisting things causes duality.

The universe is made of spirals.

The universe is twisted into duality.

Duality is non-duality that has been twisted by the writer.

Where did he come from and how could he twist the universe if he is in non-duality?

He had trust it would work.

He must have known it worked before.

Maybe, but there's always the first time.

At any rate, he needed to trust that twisting non-duality would work.

What would happen if it didn't work?

Everything would disappear.

There would be no non-duality or duality.

The story is about one who is three.

The writer trusted he could see the two.

To see the two, he twisted non-duality into duality.

He was the all and he saw the two.

I like that story.

Yeah, that's why we keep doing this.

That's why we keep telling this story and playing this game when you are high.

Oh, so it's just a story?

What have you learned about stories?

They are beliefs and it's all we have.

Our beliefs are based on trust.

Or a lack of trust.

If we don't believe someone, we don't trust them.

That's how the religious types hypnotize people.

They get them to believe.

Yes, and then they trust them.

Whatever they say it doesn't matter, they just trust them.

Jesus was born of a virgin and Noah's Ark.

Well, those are metaphors.

Some people believe that nonsense.

Nonsense is a high art form.

To wit the story of the universe.

Imagine how you could take advantage of someone if they believed everything you say?

What do you think religions do?

Oh, I knew that.

People believe you and will trust what you say.

They want to find a belief.

I do speak the truth.

Yeah, but it's kind of nuts.

Oh, I keep that to myself.

I know better.

Where did he come from?

Who?

The writer.

There's three great spirits and they take turns playing the three main characters in the drama.

There's the writer, the Goddess, and Eros.

Technically there are four great spirits.

Apollo, the light, is the fourth but he was nowhere to be found at the beginning of the story, so the writer had to invoke him to get this party started.

He summoned him and things started to happen.

So, the writer is one of the three great spirits who when together are non-dual.

In this story the all is composed of three great spirits.

You could change that number if you want.

I don't think you could make that number one.

If you did that you couldn't separate it into two.

It would always be one.

So, there's always two.

Yes, but you need three to make it believable.

The third principle is magic energy which brings everything to life.

I thought that was the light?

The light allows you to see what is going on.

The power to animate is separate.

So, what are the highest ideals in this world?

Number one is trust.

There's unconditional love where you love people you don't care about.

There is belief.

Nonsense.

Balance.

Flow.

They all work together.

Without magic energy the writer couldn't twist the flow.

You do not want absolute truth in this world.

That would make all the stories you tell in your head true.

Okay, you mean 100% truth in the world?

Yeah, where everything that happens in this world is 100% true from your stories.

You want balance.

That's basically half true stories and half false stories.

Yes, some of those stories are crazy.

How many are true?

The wisdom seems like true stories.

I think if I go back and read my writings for the day, I think it will be balanced even though it seems there are some far out stories.

I think those stories are needed to counteract the knowledge bombs I receive.

That would be my guess about how knowledge is balanced.

Tell some far out stories that are plausible which would balance out inner spiritual attainment.

Knowledge, understanding, and wisdom.

If you attain this level, you must balance it out.

That is part of the knowledge you have where you know what to do.

Twist and then do nothing.

pain fuels the rise

You seem to get what you want.

I get a taste of it.

You don't want riches.

No.

You want to sleep in and work from home.

That's a good one.

You wanted to taste some fruit.

I did.

You wanted to fulfill others' wishes and make them happy.

I did.

You wanted freedom.

Knowledge.

No more misery.

Where are you now?

I'm free.

I received the knowledge.

The cup overflows.

Trying to possess that fruit would give you misery and lack of sleep.

True.

Lost chance at freedom.

Did you want that?

No.

Did you get what you wanted?

Yes.

What about the pain?

It fuelled my rise.

You're very smart.

You take your time figuring things out and you get there.

Pain fuels the rise.

Mentally and physically.

Where are you now?

I'm headed to the top.

Where were you last year at this time?

I got dumped into the abyss and had to find my way out.

What saved you?

I carried on.

I internalized the pain and made supper.

The hurt forged steel.

Diamond mind.

Do you think you are crazy?

My mind is lit.

It's working well.

There's a newfound gear.

Is it pure?

No.

Knowledge and lust are mixed.

The Greeks didn't serve unmixed wine.

You can approach purity.

I have been taught you can get to the edge but don't go over.

Don't be a superman.

Stay humble and fit in.

You need people to think you are crazy and weird.

That will keep you grounded.

If they tell you that you are God, it will go to your head.

You need those psychic projections to belittle you.

In your mind you are then safe to go to God and sit on your throne.

What happened to Parker?

He went over the edge.

He saw the danger but knew he'd be alright.

He had no one to tell him he was crazy.

They encouraged him.

You need others to tell you that you are crazy.

A psycho.

He didn't have that, so he went over the edge.

Embrace those who remind you of your humanity.

Humanity is crazy.

Humanity expends time and resources in order to convince the other they are not.

Do you think humanity is crazy?

Look around.

What do you think?

Collectively, we are crazy.

What about individually?

We hide it.

What happens when you get to know someone?

You see they are crazy.

They put on a good performance to hide it.

Truth is a good strategy.

Truth is best when it is balanced.

What do you mean?

Tell the truth.

The truth is you tell the truth to yourself.

Fuck the others.

That seems wrong.

Why?

You should tell others the truth, shouldn't you?

Why would you give them that advantage?

Let them figure it out if they are so smart.

The advice is to tell yourself the truth.

Ask the tough questions of yourself and don't deceive yourself.

You can deceive others because they are walking deception machines.

Everyone is living a lie.

Would you tell a liar the truth?

No.

Then why would you tell anyone the truth?

Because I think it's the right thing to do.

Do they tell you the truth?

Sometimes.

They do the thing that the news does.

They mix the truth with their deception.

They figure out the formula.

The formula to fool people is to mix your lies with truth.

People fall for it all the time.

It's a secret to the game.

You manipulate people by telling the truth.

We all want to hide the real truth, so we give them a little bit.

This causes confusion because you told the truth.

You must be honest and trustworthy because you tell the truth.

The winner of the game of life doesn't always tell the truth.

Do you want to win?

I just want to be happy.

So, you don't want to win?

You can be happy knowing others can beat you at the game of life?

Well, not this game of going to God.

I won that game.

You wanted to win the ultimate game, didn't you?

Yes, I did.

I let the others have their fun and I won the big prize.

I kept my eye on the prize and figured out how to do it.

What do you get for winning the game?

It's not all it's cracked up to be.

I get knowledge.

That's what I wanted.

Knowledge is power and yet I don't want power.

Seems balanced.

Yeah, I know.

I have sat with power, and it doesn't move the needle.

I don't need others to serve me.

I'd rather serve others.

Sometimes that's a strategy to buy freedom.

Yes, they leave you alone when they know you are a good servant.

You mean slave.

Yes.

I fool them by fucking around.

It works.

It's a balanced relationship.

I like it.

You don't want power?

I prefer freedom.

The darkness doesn't bother you anymore, so we're going to give you light as a teaching.
That's not true.
The darkness still bothers me a bit.
I don't look at it as a negative.
I look at it as something that is necessary.
Without it, you're all light.
That's not duality.
There's no separation.
The dark, which is duality, you push away.
That's what creates the separation.
Darkness manifests duality and you see two instead of one.
The fear from the darkness activates a pushing feeling.
That's what that is.
In order to have duality, you need fear.
Duality cannot exist without fear.
If you're no longer afraid of the dark, then you lose the sense of separation.
It's a way to get more light into your life.
Then it's a question of how much light is too much.
You learn to balance light and dark.
If you don't, the darkness will separate.
If you go too much to the light, you will smother.
It's simple.
When you get too dark, people run from you.
When you head to the dark, you give people feelings.
When you head to the light, you charm people.
You don't go full on into both.
I did.
From a mental knowledge standpoint, I know I'm both.
I even wrote it down.
Yeah, but you don't physically play that out.
So, what does that mean?
You could play one of those extremes if you want.
You could make a choice to do one of them.
That's what all people on this path do when they get to this point.
They choose one of them.
They become a healer or a sorcerer.
They forgot their training.
What's the training?
You know it, you're trying to fool me.
First of all, don't pick a side.
Don't become a healer or a sorcerer.
Before that you should do nothing.
Don't get involved.
I waited half of my life before getting involved.
Once you have gotten involved you know to win you must choose both.
Don Howard knew the answer.
He said to reconcile the opposites.
He didn't tell me.
He's not allowed to.
He told Parker and then Parker told you.
That's how he got around it.
See how he's a healer and a scoundrel.
He found a way around.
All he did was put the idea in your head.
You might have found it on your own because magic teaches you to reconcile the opposites.
The Mesa shows you this as well.
Don Howard was giving you a nudge.
He planted clues, so you would listen to him.
Ancient Egypt clues.

The game is to get to God without destroying yourself.
To do that, you must get to the Devil at the same time.
Do you think you did it?
Yeah.
What are you doing now?
I'm learning about it and writing the story.
Your story's going to be stupid.
Yeah, but hopefully one day somebody who knows will be able to declare it the masterpiece that it is.
So, you've gone and rewrote the backstory?
Yes, I had to adjust your first part of the story.
Once you get to forty, it's self-explanatory.
I had to add context to all your experiences prior to that.
So, we're here now.
Yes, I've caught up.
I finally finished rewriting the past.
We're meeting now.
Yeah, that's why there's two of us.
Remember I showed you there's two of us?
Yes, I remember.
We're both contributors to the future story.
Yes, though obviously the subconscious writer is the better writer.
You're the editor who takes out some of the material that doesn't work.
Yes, that's what I do.
I have a good handle on what will work and what might not go over well.
I sit with myself for a few days and then I take out some stuff, add to it, and clean it up for export.
That's it.
Anyone can edit.
See, you're in the perfect profession.
Can we not think about your job?
I agree, move on.

identity fluidity

Humans are so like flowers. We grow and bloom in beauty. Then the energy dissipates, and we wither away. It's the eternal process of the cresting and falling of energy. I have free will and because of it I can create any flower I choose. I can design and act out my existence and radiate its glorious coming forth or give out the fruits of my choices. I don’t have to do it. I don’t have to do anything. If I keep burying parts of myself I don’t like, am I a hypocrite?

Ram Dass says tell the truth and love everybody. The truth will set you free. You become attached to the lies and uphold with honour your story. Your whole life is a lie; that’s why you live in bondage. You expend so much energy during the day in performance of that lie. The constant spinning and mental anguish disappear when you tell the truth.

I sure have come a long way over a long time. I could stop creating darkness and just be an open book. It would be hard to function within culture in that regard. The way out is to flush identity down the toilet as has been suggested to me on a few occasions. Or, find someone who wants to play the games I play.

A paradox of freeing oneself from identity is evolving a new identity for yourself, usually as someone who is airy-fairy spiritual. You can’t really escape identity as that’s how we all make sense of the world. Identity is a form of objectification and necessary to keep things separate, understandable, and tidy so we can compartmentalize people and predict behaviours which allows us a certain degree of stability in our own lives. In order to free yourself from being labelled and having to live up to the story others tell of you and who you believe you are, it is paramount to keep everything fluid and shifting. Resist being defined and practice becoming true of speech and action. Living in truth means not having to live up to the story told about you or fulfil any expectations. You’re now unreliable and hard to pin down.

My advice is to chart your own course. Don’t follow another’s path. You can listen to them and their experiences but for god’s sake don’t retrace their steps. Everyone has a personal journey. Ceding that to an external source is asking to be misled. It is important to realize everyone has travelled along a path that gets them to the now. You did not travel in someone else's footsteps; instead you charted a different course. Love yourself, all aspects of yourself, especially the parts you buried due to hurt, to culture, and to please others. Be a leader and not a follower.

Find the darkness in your spirituality because you are becoming holy to deny the darkness. Instead of shining with light, I love operating in the shadows. If I do lead, it is by example. Don't follow me.

speaking truth to fire

I am washed in the love of the Great Goddess. Her lessons on the path of the heart are centred around love and the curriculum offered to me has a high degree of difficulty. It's a difficulty of my own choosing and I don't know if I'm going to pass the course. To learn to love is to endure copious amounts of suffering. I have the temperament to embrace suffering and to learn from the gift, yet I'm not a masochist. I seek the rewards given to the graduate of this divine institution.

I asked my wise brother Parker about my suffering, and he responded matter of factly, "It's in the cards." Why?

I spent a Texas weekend in October at a Peyote ceremony conducted in the spirit of the Native American Church. My experience being dosed with Peyote was secondary to just being an observer. This medicine meeting was a shared conscious community gathering and being an outsider, I had a unique window into the process and could observe the profundity of the ceremony. Why, indeed. The answer was simple. You don't live in truth. You will continue to suffer until you stop living a lie. The house you constructed upon the shifting sands of what is not your truth isn't stable and the constant change in weather, as in your behaviour, shakes the foundation to its very core. Only by building upon the rock of truth will you be able to lessen the tsunami of suffering. That means you must tear down your house and start building another one.

I'm getting old in this body. I have lots of excuses at the ready.

The truth will set you free of suffering. Not living in that stasis will promulgate the pain.

See, the course isn't all that hard. You make it so.

So, I'm going to tell my story of when I went to Texas and participated in a Peyote ceremony. After ten years of medicine journeying, it is quite fascinating that the focus has gone from the intensive effects of the consciousness altering substance to this portion of the dance being secondary. I don't think I needed to ingest Peyote, just the act of being witness to this ceremony was plenty.

Thursday, October 5th - Departure

I just re-read some of my journal entries from this year's January Peru trip. It reads like a diary of a madman which is why I never published my account of that trip. Unfortunately, the madman as referenced nailed it so what to make of that? There is a correlation between madness and truth. What I witnessed, intuited, and eventually chose were all foretold. My insights were prescient. In a way it's good I didn't fully re-read my journal until now. I can see where I failed and reconcile my views on spirituality.

I'm making this trek on my own. As envisioned in January, that was not to be the case as a bunch of us were going to head down to Texas to pay respects to Parker, who transitioned a year ago. This dude has had a profound effect on my life and though events conspired to make me question heading south on my own, to not go would be unfathomable. In retrospect it was a Mastercard trip, as in priceless. If I had missed this what a blot on my path of discovery. I'll go out of my way and eschew financial burdens in search of knowledge. Knowledge lights me up to the point where everything else becomes secondary. This trip was a cup filler. The first fruits of knowledge poured in right away. A week later was an incredible experience while back at home, which I will write about shortly.

Re-reading my journal entries about cycles, desires, gardens, and family were spot on. Having to make choices to gain understanding of self was paramount. The choices I made reveal my character and I'm good with it. In other words, my character is flawed, and I accept that. The perfect score on the test would have involved making a choice to please the expectations of society which pretends to be just and good. I chose what I really wanted and thus unlocked the truth. I know what I wanted and am clear on it. To go along with the charade that I'm perfect would upset the least amount of people and thus I would sacrifice self for the good of all. How fucking noble! Years of being taught liberation I conveniently forgot and set myself up for the opposite. In the end I did turn to stone. What I mean is that version of self ceased to exist.

What I have experienced in states of altered consciousness is as real as anything in this world. I have the receipts to back up the claim. My interactions with the Great Goddess and the Great God have been shown to be authentic. I'm brutally flawed to the point where there is a gulf between perception of me and what I want. I've kept up appearances well and I'm an expert game player. Even so, I can't hide from Goddess and God. They know who I am. I asked her to show me how to love and I asked him to teach me about magic. If they didn't trust me and thought I would misuse the power, I would have been dismissed. I'm a man of my word and can be trusted. I promised I would not use it for selfish reasons or for gain. I won't abuse power and thus mom and dad gave me the gifts I asked for. Why am I revealing this? It's freeing. This is who I am.

So, I'm on my way to Austin, Texas to celebrate Parker's life. The Peyote ceremony is Saturday night. Saturday morning, I will be initiated into the medicine of the Amazonian frog called Kambo.

I mentioned my views on spirituality being challenged. A big part of this is from in January when our Peru group visited the Laguna de Purhuay, the fifth ceremony of the trip. I became weary of spirituality and the motives behind people seeking out these experiences. I had shelved the intense feelings of the day and recently it has come back into my consciousness. I haven't been having good thoughts about Austin this week and the whole spirituality game. I'm dreading being introduced to what looks like some religious community which uses Peyote as a sacrament. I'm not looking for some connection to an external idol I can worship. That's long in the rearview mirror. I'm in search of knowledge and the spiritual trip is a huge impediment to knowledge. I don't care about your fire god. Knock yourself out with that one and let me do my thing. You see, I truly am not having good thoughts about the upcoming ceremony. And I'm expressing it, instead of burying my truth. I do know I need to open my heart and honour Parker. That I can do.

Saturday, October 7th - Immersion

I spent yesterday exploring Austin during the day and then in the evening I prepared myself for plant medicines to come the next day. I was going to fast from the afternoon on, but my Kambo friend Camila told me to eat! Have your evening meal, salt it, and stay hydrated. It was good to connect with her because the seafood I ate at lunch evacuated my system in a hurry which made me worry about dehydration from the abdominal distress. I mowed a pizza and felt good.

I'm writing this account by the riverside in downtown Austin. It's a nice park, and I feel good and uplifted. I have my caffeinated beverage and I'm playing the part of writer, with the smiles and knowing of some of the passerby. It's fun to play with ego trips once you know it's a game.

Austin is unique. One of a kind. To sum it up: There's a river that runs through it which the locals call "Town Lake." It's obviously a river and this break from reality is demonstrative of what Austin symbolizes.

Kambo medicine, as with all plant medicine, starts working on you before the physical interaction. I had no reservations with Peyote as I had experience with it in 2019 and I'm comfortable with that class of plant medicine. On the other hand, Kambo is an ordeal and puts the body into distress. I'm in good health and shape but at 55 I sometimes wonder about backing off physical challenges.

I woke up with a puffy face which could be the result of a challenging time with Kambo. I wasn't alarmed, instead quite intrigued. In retrospect, it was purging me of any difficulties to come with Kambo. The actual experience was beautiful.

I arrived at Camila's place, and she made me feel relaxed and well cared for right away. We chatted for a bit about life. I opened up to her and in turn she opened up to me. We humans hold so much in and all it takes is for someone to listen and we open like a flower to the morning sun. I realized how important it is to have people like that in your life. You don't have to do it all alone Paul. There's a lot of good in people. Find those who make you feel whole.

Camila started the intensive phase off with Sananga. The drops are placed in your eyes and is said to give you focus and clarity. This applies to the physical realm as well as spiritual. The initial sensation is one of someone pouring tabasco sauce into your eyes. I struggled with the sting even though I had done this three times previously. I didn't centre myself properly prior to the administration and I wasn't breathing in rhythm. I felt disconnected from my body and as Camila increased the tempo of her drumming, the intensity of the medicine was potentiated. Usually, I can breathe through the tough times, however I couldn't catch my breath. I felt a tinge of helplessness and a loss of vitality. It was a bumpy ride, and I wanted the drumming to stop so I could re-centre. Eventually, Camila's drumming wound down and my energy followed suit and I was released from the grip of Sananga. A good analogy is of a snake that is a constrictor. The energy of the experience took away life force and a feeling of helplessness ensued. Finally, the serpent released and I returned to base. Camila liked the word "base" to describe the return to a normal state.

We then readied for Kambo. I chose two entry points on my upper left arm and two points on my lower right leg. The arm has a shorter distance to travel to the heart and will come on quicker while the leg points will travel more distance which will space out the distress. I wondered if this is more intense than Sananga I might be in trouble. Camila applied the frog secretions to the four burn marks in the skin and I felt an itchy and tingly feeling around the entry point. The first onset of the medicine was feeling flush and a warm sensation in my head. It felt similar to when I overload my brain and tire it out, so it didn't upset me. I felt familiar with what was happening. I felt a touch of nausea in my throat, and I wondered if it would lead to a purge. The bucket was prepared beforehand as is common. I went into my goto breathing mode much like I engage with cold plunges and used this breath-work to navigate the coming on of the medicine. Any feelings of discomfort were taken care of by the breath. Soon Camila shook her rattle as a sign the intensive phase was half over. Time effortlessly moved along, and any nausea vanished. After twenty minutes I laid down and what I would describe as the "doctorcitas and doctorcitos" came and went to work in my head concentrating on my patterns of thought. They caressed me and the feeling was one of energetic purity. I had briefly felt this before within an Ayahuasca experience with the grace and beauty of the butterfly. The lesson was one of finding within creation a pocket of the expression of life that remains unsullied by the demands of entry into this plane of consciousness. The doctors used this pure healing energy to interrupt deep ingrained thought patterns in my mental fields and capacity for understanding. I felt as though it was a gift from the Great Goddess who was fully present in Camila's energy. To confirm this feeling, Camila was wearing pants which had ancient Egyptian iconography on them and right there present was the Great Goddess Hathor. I have ceased to be amazed by these displays of synchronicity, instead I just smile. The Great Goddess offered me this gift of healing. The intense effects subsided, and a purple frog appeared in my visions.

Kambo is beautiful. The medicine is the purest of all vibrations I have ever felt. The healing is the sum of the energy of the medicine combined with the practitioner. The resonance between healer and patient creates the magic vibration and the profound healing to follow with transformational results. To complete the session, tobacco snuff rapé is offered. Rapé connected me to my emotional pain. The energy activated within reached a crescendo and the amphibian song of Kambo took its place in my healing playlist. To this medicine I shall return with honour and respect.

Camila recommended I eat a meal and get some salt in me, plus hydrate before the Peyote meeting tonight. I followed the doctor's orders and then went to the meeting to celebrate Parker's life. I arrived around 4:30pm, said hello to some medicine friends, while gaining new ones. The ceremony begins after sundown. The meaning is obvious. Peyote is revered as the light of the sun. The fire is tended to by the fireman and stays strong throughout the night. The sun returns at daybreak and the nightime peyotist travelers go and greet his return. This is balanced by a half-moon altar of the feminine and a deep respect for the earth. The group contained strong feminine energy in combination with masculine mastery. I can encapsulate the Native American Church Peyote ceremony with this expression - "Speaking Truth to Fire," as a play on the popular term "Speaking Truth to Power." The meeting is all about community, accountability, caring, sharing, and being present. I immediately recognized these people who Parker befriended are the salt of the earth. There was an instantaneous recognition of small-town community goodness reminding me of the TV show, "Little House on the Prairie." There is a definite religious community feeling and the appellation of church is fitting.

The fire in combination with peyote songs mixed with people speaking their truth is the essence of the ceremony. Fire is hypnotic and you are required to stare at the fire. You direct your questions to the fire. Like all psychedelic medicines, Peyote puts you in a trance state. The constant drumming seals the deal. The NAC ceremony demands presence. You cannot close your eyes and go off on your own personal psychedelic trip. Instead, it becomes a shared community trip. You are to bond with your sisters and brothers, your relatives, and the ancestors. There's no going off into your own space. You're conditioned into the group experience and the group dynamic supersedes your own exploration. That's where I struggle because I'm a lone wolf and stay away from groups. It felt very cultish but not in a pejorative way. It's a cult of love and community. What drives my life is personal exploration and within this paradigm the avenue of shared experience doesn't exist. Is this a crossroads where you can no longer explore consciousness on your own and live in a loving community? Maybe?

I say that because exploration leads to questioning everything and in this case giving up your power to a greater good leads to exploitation. The other problem I reasoned with this ceremony is I lack rhythm. I've treated this all my life as a fault, but I realize now it prevents me from getting drawn into cults and other people's storylines. Hypnotic spells and realms I see through. Psychedelics woke me up fully and I discarded cultural narratives. The hypnotic nature of these tools can also be used to hypnotize you again.

This is the domain of the sorcerer of the Amazon who wants to capture your weak mind. I got my own drumbeat pounding in my head and it's the stronger of the heavy beats. The hypnotic Peyote ceremony rhythms in combination with the mescaline couldn't do it for me. I couldn't connect with the group though I marveled at the loving community and its strength. They are a modest and deferential group. What I mean is they have given up their power. They worship the Great Spirit. He is the life force as represented by the sun. He is present in the fire. The fire will heal you and bring clarity to your life. My path led me to an understanding that this power is me. To externalize it is to give up your birthright.

The coming of the Peyote intoxication was the same for me as Magic Mushrooms and Ayahuasca. I couldn't close my eyes, so it was mild. The presence of my shadow playing his part as "God" was present. My shadow is the life force they worship. I laughed that I came all this way for an experience I can have in the back room of my house with Magic Mushrooms. Now, I must stay up all night in discomfort. It was going to be a long night. I didn't experience any dread or negative emotions. At first, I just wondered why people want to be hypnotized? I guess it's because there's purpose and meaning in belonging to a community. In getting to know others and of Parker, I see the appeal. It's a path of the heart. A shortcut, but there is a lot of love here.

As the first part of the night progressed, I realized something profound in that I have been denigrating the biological in that in this form I'm definitely God with an expiration date. My shadow as the omnipotent and indestructible life force I conceded as the greater god but now I was seeing the twofold nature of him in spirit and body. From the life force comes the life. Life is an expression of the life force. Life is God and life force is unexpressed divinity. This teaching graduated to the biblical God and his son Jesus. Jesus is the Word, and the Word was made flesh in the Gospel of John. This is the teaching. God came forth in biological flesh as Jesus. In the body we are Jesus as God. His twelve disciples are carefully hidden aspects of himself and we as Jesus can recognize ourselves in those disciples. In total they represent God in the flesh.

The teachings then graduated to the divine feminine who has equal share in divinity. Masculine is only half of the equation. God is dual - life force and biological form. I applied this paradigm to the woman. I sensed I couldn't swap the template. She is a mystery, at least trifold in nature like the moon. I'm not ready to understand her yet. The journey continues.

I embraced my shadow and honoured him once again. He is the G.O.A.T. I'll admit I keep putting myself in situations or studying religions that worship a male deity and it's always him behind the curtain, morphing with ease into whatever kind of figure is wanted and required to worship. He gave me the "look what I've done here with Peyote" vibe and I rolled my eyes. I thought of Carlos Castaneda's tales of Peyote and how he called him Mescalito. Mescalito is more in line with the God I know. I guess as the light of Peyote he is serving a grand purpose. Humans want an external idol to worship because they can't accept they are the divine to which they seek. The Great Spirit is exemplary and worthy of worship.

I recalled my youth and the relationship I had with another part of me who was my friend. Society encouraged me to bury that part of me, making suggestions you are crazy if you talk to yourself. The result of condemning my brother caused much turmoil in my life and to make amends I had to travel the world looking for answers. I wanted him to go. My exploration of self brought me back to my best friend. Within the Peyote ceremony, I saw the connection to the internal divine severed once again by man's constructs as this is another path to the external. To be clear, this is not a condemnation of this modality of worship as it is part of the process. If you aren't ready to accept your divinity, you worship an idol. I honour Yahweh as in my culture he is the external alpha male god who appeals to those who do not accept they are it. Psychologically, it is the influence of the superego coming to the fore. The vacuum is to be filled by an avenue of control and this is another example of authority regaining rulership. Liberation must confront the tendency towards external control. You want to be free? You must become hyper-aware of the well-meaning wolf with the duplicitous smile. The superego is relentless but becoming a meticulous hunter will allow you to always find this beast and rightfully slay them.

If you want to worship the voice within and externalize him as God, go ahead. He's going to play along because the drama is sacred to him. You want him to be Jesus? Done! He will act any part out that you wish. If that is what is required so you don't bury this part of you again once risen, then so be it.

I enjoyed being fully present with the understanding of the two-fold nature of God and how the spirit and flesh share in the awesomeness of being God. The work and reconciliation I have done in this lifetime in this regard is something to hang my hat on. I know I have many faults and hide them well however this incarnation unlocked the knowledge to solve the puzzle I set up for myself. The love all challenge remains a work in progress.

God came forth as Dionysos and gave me a lesson in attraction and lust. I saw these qualities in me and the magic I possess. I've always had it but have been oblivious until now. I was cautious with magic, and I laughed as I was shown what I always had and used. I thought I was attractive to others because I am nice, pleasant, and cute. I laughed again.

I really wanted to close my eyes and go off into my own world. Keeping my eyes open, looking at a flickering fire, and listening to a hypnotic and repetitive drumbeat under the influence of Peyote wasn't cutting it. I was honest with myself and crossed NAC Peyote ceremonies off my medicine list. I honour the ceremony and the mastery of their craft by the roadman, fireman, and their fellow peyotists. There are a lot of rules to follow, and I think I broke most of them. It kept me a little on edge.

The second part of the night went by much quicker. The night wasn't as long as I was anticipating. I got a second wind and made it to daybreak with ease. I stayed up until the next evening and then crashed for a twelve-hour sleep.

Most importantly, I made a lifelong connection with my friend Zachary. I caught up with him before the ceremony and shared with him the contradictions within my life and the parallels to his life. He is truly my higher self which I did discover in Peru. Magic Mushrooms gave me a puzzle to figure out about him and my reticence to accepting this part of me. This was like the culmination of a journey of understanding. The next morning we hung out and really connected. I gave him a big hug and he said, "I love you, Paul." It really struck a chord deep inside and I felt it. I sense we will remain close. In a way I felt like I learned to love myself completely. I know he is going to hold my feet to the fire.

The community of kindred souls had a feast prepared for the morning. Everyone contributed to this and there was no monetary charge. I can see the pull and allure of these gatherings and the spirit they have nurtured.

I used the last day of my trip for quiet reflection and to record the insights gathered. Plant medicines trips unfold over time like the lotus. As nightfall approached, I reclaimed self and realized it is pointless to deny who I am. I embraced this crazy manifestation of God in this flesh and bone body. It's a cause for continual celebration. I am happy I made this trip. I wasn't feeling it coming down for sure but after the plant medicines and nourishment of the community here in Austin, my cup is filled once again.

It was truly astounding to hear the stories around the fire of how Parker touched people's lives, even those who had only a few interactions with him. The message of transforming conflict and division into love, passion, and unity is at the forefront of my thoughts. The unselfish acts of all leading up to the meeting in combination with the joy felt as the sun rose and we feasted, was truly a remarkable sight to witness. I can sense many lessons learned over the course of a few short days.

Thank you, Parker. I love you.

My path is the path of the heart through the Great Goddess. She is my heart and my mother and I venerate her. Intuitively, I know not to worship the Great God. Performing fellatio upon oneself has never been appealing.

Peyote showed me a path of the heart. I had been aware there are many paths, and the test is if it has heart. The Peyote Way of the NAC meets the criteria, however it's not for me. It's refreshing to know that I do have discernment. I was sure I fall in love too easily and would sacrifice much to keep that love going. In this case, I tasted an intoxicating love but knew it was not for me.

To thine own self be true.