serpent strikes

The Goddess and her many avatars. I got a front row seat.

Ayahuasca was exciting. Ayahuasca scared me but I was intrigued. I didn't run away from the experience; I learned how to tame her. I treated Ayahuasca like one of my relationships. That's what I do. I can see it. Then once I tamed her, I lost interest. She's still around but I played around with others.

She is Ayahuasca. She is a drug that gets me high. I'd do whatever it takes to get that high. Then came the terrible low. Then came understanding. Now I wonder, is she my Goddess or a demon?

I am the casual destroyer. I cause upset in my choices though I mean well. My path of destruction is subtle but still deadly.

The Goddess can be a dragon as well. And when the game is afoot, she can be cruel and play for the win. She won. She crushed me. She wasn't going to relinquish the upper hand and so dropped the hammer. Resiliency saved me.

Trust the process. It's on repeat. You have faced similar, and it had to play out. You faced the darkness within the masculine and stood up to him. You fought back and didn't capitulate. Eventually, there was reconciliation. Can you see the same now or do you think it is wishful thinking? The darkness within the feminine plays a different game. They aren't going to directly punch you in the face but will take you down with their own brand of guile and poison. They want to psychologically hurt and damage you to the point where you run away from them. They will be satisfied with that result and include you in their body count of corpses who deserved their fate.

Remember you had to do this with the masculine, and you know you would not exchange that path for any other. Look with clarity where you are in your life and what is unfolding. The venom inflicted by the feminine works in a different way. The strike will try to encompass and snuff you out with a constrictive hold on all of you. Find the antidote. You know what it is but in this case you use it on yourself. The serpent will recoil and go internal as well. It's going to be a long haul, but you'll one day look back and smile at the journey you chose and once again not trade it for the world.

The reconciliation with the masculine was an internal struggle. The feminine is external. She can strike and run but she will never get away. There must be a reckoning. You know your strengths and not to poke her with a stick. Let her be and show by example how you can rise above who she thinks the masculine is. Show her you are divine. The misdirection should be obvious. Your darkness is singled out and the focus is put on you. It's a good game to prevent the light from being turned on her darkness. I'm not sure if she knows what is taking place and is just weaving a web of confusion.

I want to cry out that I don't know her. I don't know who this is. In truth, I do know. I've seen it and here it is, in my face. I want all of it. I want to face it all. The hurricane is coming and I'm not running for shelter. The destruction lays waste to ignorance and makes room for more knowledge and the subsequent lessons to follow.

The most difficult part of the fight is I'm in love with her. She's playing the part of adversary and for keeps. She wants to punish and destroy me to the point where I'm left a burnt-out husk. I want to hate her, but I just let it slide. Feed me your venom and watch as not reacting to the poison is the antidote. Keep her in my heart and use her power of love to get through to her.

Finding reconciliation is uniting the internal divine within the self. The domination of either half is going to leave you in a continual state of disharmony. The ever-coming darkness will reappear and force you to flee in a cycle that is on repeat. You will light a fire and leave a trail of destruction in your wake. Free of the blaze you find a temporary peace. Eventually, the fire catches up with you and sets your world ablaze once again. The easy way out is to run. The difficult path is to face the oncoming inferno and transform within the fires of hell.

Following the painful flow revealed to me what it is I seek. Letting the hurt come and pull me under eventually allowed me to emerge once again and with grace start an integration of knowledge which would lead to the understanding I search and long for. I never would have figured out the vibration mystery and the role of cycles within our lives without pain.

stories

I am locked in a life puzzle where I'm trying to figure out the reason why something happened. Given enough time I can run through the gamut of possibilities and this exhaustive search also contains the part where I let go of my bias and see the situation free of my own denials. I then can whittle down the possibilities to say four reasons why the situation unfolded in the manner it did. After this process I use my inner computing power to select a reason. I'm aware there're other influences on that reason which may include the other candidates, but this satisfies my inquiry.

I practice a form of meditation called mindfulness where I just clear my mind and let the thoughts come to me. I try not to spin them but just observe. This process is valuable because the answers with the strongest vibration are what makes it through the noise. When I did this with the life puzzle at hand, the vibrations that made it through presented the different scenarios as the answer. We are conditioned to only accept one answer and discard the rest. This creates our reality.

Where this got fun is I chucked my preconceived notions of reality. The use of psychedelic drugs has expanded my consciousness and within this awareness is a grasping of different planes of reality. These different frequencies of manifestation all deal with the same energy with the caveat being the energy is perceived in a different form on each level. So, if at one level Goddess and God are separated, in our level this means creation flourishes. If at one level God remains asleep, then at this level our universe continues as it is but a dream. When he wakes up then we will be witness to the destruction of our world. If God wakes up slowly, we will observe little pockets of the calamity to come until he gets out of bed and the world blows up. I don't know how many levels there are. I've read about seven but one thing I have learned on my fantastic voyage is to verify everything through experiential means. In other words, don't take anyone's word for it. If I experience it, then I will try to bring that back into my world using words to try and understand it. I have been witness to a level where all is one. Undifferentiated and within is contained all possibilities. A level below that is Goddess and God. The first pair. I see them as serpent and jaguar. From these two is created a child who is Eros. Desire then makes our world come alive. A frequency below my world is a realm of mystery and magic. So, that's five I count.

That's a way I make sense of what I have experienced and have no expectations anyone will accept or care about what I have come to understand. It should be that way because you need to experience this yourself. Where things got interesting for me lately is in the way of perspective. So, I can be witness to multiple planes of reality, but I also started to realize that within my normal frequency of perception there are multiple ways to interpret the presentation of events. If I change my perspective viewpoint, I can see the answer differently. This means that all the possibilities I considered are true depending on how I approach the situation. I saw multidimensional reality within a container that also is multidimensional. The only way to gain temporary understanding is to compartmentalize because the possibilities are endless if you don't. If you aren't selective, you will just drive yourself crazy. There is a need to settle on an interpretation and then focus on an answer based on that reality.

I recently started to figure this out. I knew I had to heal the hurt in parallel dimensions and then it would make sense. At the time it didn't make sense. The viewpoint I had made created a lack of understanding. The fissure is multidimensional. I needed to alter my vibration and be open to the knowledge that pours in. Why is this happening? What is the reason as revealed in a higher dimension?

I used to laugh at the airhead new agers when they would talk about frequencies and dimensions. It's different since my last trip to Peru. The flighty were witness to it but couldn't articulate the experience without sounding like they were nuts and full of woo. I should be able to explain it. I think this explanation will encompass why things are happening here at this level.

I now know how to change my vibration and enter different dimensions of energy, creating multiple dramas. I have made that my intention when working with plants and the experience was surprising in that I was going to be patient. They say patience is a virtue and thus I'm the most virtuous person in the world. I can have the patience of a saint though I freely admit I have put myself in situations where that patience is a silent killer. I want a resolution now and to get on with things! I internalize this and wait, sometimes dying a slow death. So, in this case I wasn't expecting the answer right away but as with a lot of my seeking I already had the knowledge and the answer. It was just a matter of remembering and applying the answer to my question.

When I first drank Ayahuasca I realized it was through changing vibration that I accessed obfuscated forms of consciousness. The Great Goddess even told me so. After frightening myself, I eventually returned to the Great Goddess, and she let me into her castle made of gold. She was locked away in this fortress; a prisoner of her husband the dragon. I wondered why she would marry such a monster? She sent me away to slay the dragon and I dutifully obeyed. My quest revealed to me that I was the dragon. It's really a multidimensional story when you have a hard think about it. I did the work, opened my heart, and freed the Goddess.

Adapting to a way of thinking multidimensional is cool because I can accept all answers to the life problem I faced. They are all valid and I was satisfied with that knowledge because I saw in each solution kernels of truth and now, I don't have to toss out any of these theories. Within the tight frequency I operate in, there are multiple stories emanating from them. I'm free to pick which story I want to craft my reality. I must admit at this stage of my level of consciousness exploration the supernatural one is a good drama. This gives my life adventure and thrills. Within this life event I saw this drama play out, but I kept it on the periphery because it isn't accepted in our world. It's a flight of fancy. The thing is I saw it go down in real time. I wrote about it and I knew it was true. When my life story spiraled out into a crash, I let that story go and clung to a more mainstream idea of why I experienced the failure I did. I'd like to revisit that and re-write the chapter. I'm going to draft a magic story. This should be fun. Here it is.

A crack in reality opens the door. Once I get a glimpse or a small look into the nature of something it becomes a matter of time before the dam breaks. You see this with the collective human intellect throughout history. Once we get a small understanding of something, eventually it will blossom into revealing the inner workings of the universe. In my personal exploration of the subconscious, a small bit of understanding will reveal itself fully in the days to come.

The epiphanies come out of the blue and lately I've requested them. I wanted more knowledge, so I asked. How about this one: Life experiences are clues to the game. The major happenings in your life have the most potential to awaken you though not always. Sometimes I've gone about this in the wrong order. I've understood spiritual concepts and then it unfolded within my life. I saw the separation of Goddess and God on a higher plane of consciousness and realized this separation was the impetus behind creation. The divorce created duality and the fruit from their union was a child who is the universe. In my little life on earth, I searched for the Goddess and found her. I couldn't hang onto her and she left me again. The clues all align. The coming child calms the dragon, so he won't destroy the world.

My experience in this lifetime reveals I've done a similar journey. The goal of my spiritquest was to find her and then see if you are ready to solve the puzzle and beat the game. I can now get to the point in the game where I know how to find her, get in her presence, and have a relationship with her. I haven't figured out how to beat the game. She always leaves. I got really close this time. I think I know the answer. It's because the goal of the game is to make her mine and that's what drives her away. The goal of the game is different than what I think it is. My block is to do with possession as opposed to an equal partnership.

It's a startling video game analogy I'm dealing with. Do I use my available health to continue and try to get past this level that keeps tripping me up? I drove her away. I don't know if it is even possible or if I have made the game impossible now. If it is impossible then I'm going to destroy the world. I'll hit reset on the gaming console. I'll blow it up next year and start the game again. I'll have to get to the point where I find her again and somehow not screw that one up. I'm surprisingly good at the game now, so I can find her around pyramids but then I must try something different. I've put so much time into this life I must exhaust the possibilities before I hit reset.

The above is a good story. We all tell stories. It's how we make sense of the world. In my current life situation, I have about five stories on the go to find an answer for why things are happening the way they are. Then I'll watch a TV program or read something on the internet that has a connection to the events I've experienced, and I'll weave into the drama the latest ideas I have come across. I just did it and laughed. I whispered to myself, "stories." Magic can be fulfilled by getting another to lock to your story. It's a huge clue into the inner workings of magic and not surprising it took a lifetime to see it. I have been aware our lives are a story we tell ourselves and that so much of society is based on getting you to buy into the dominant narrative. It's constant. I see with incredulity why it is done. That's all we have at the end of the day. A story. So, guess what? I have a good story I want to write. The drama is going to be phenomenal.

I'll call it the sorcerer and the witch of the north. 

intentions

My intention: Walk the path of the heart. Whoa. It just hit me hard. That's what I'm doing. This sucks. The course puts you through the wringer. "Teach me to love." Okay, you asked for it.

The serpent as the Goddess takes her place at the top of the tapestry encircling the jaguar.

She is in her divine and exalted place. The pinnacle of the spiritual path is the path of the heart. After completing the various grades and assignments you enter into the last phase of the journey. The path of the heart. It sounds like bliss and a reward for the long climb. I was ready to open my heart and love all. Bring it on.

I went to Peru in January to drink a lot of Huachuma and let my heart shine. My beatitude awaited as I completed a ten-year plant medicine odyssey in addition to fulfilling a quest I started at middle-age. I've got the knowledge. I have understanding and a little bit of wisdom. I answered the questions about existence. The wisdom lessons said I'll never have all the answers nor will the seeking end - there's always more. The burning questions were answered, and I turned towards my heart. The Goddess was the catalyst for my plant medicine experiences and she is the one who made me come back for more, especially when times get tough, I was scared, and wanted to run far away.

My perception of the path of the heart and reality were at odds. This course is the toughest of them all, but it turns out I was predestined for a tough time because I don't know how to love. This deficiency meant starting from the bottom and re-experiencing the mistakes from my youth which had the result of locking away my heart. I had to go through the process once again and all the old feelings of despair returned. My go to was to lock her away. My heart was breaking, and I couldn't go through the pain. I soon realized that wasn't what I had been taught. My plant medicine journeys allowed me to release my heart from the castle made of gold; a castle my alter-ego the Dragon had constructed and locked her away in. My seeking and plant medicine use was a multi-year project to free her and here I was at the first sign of love trauma ready to lock her up. I got past this lesson, maybe a D+ as I wanted to imprison my heart, but I knew better.

So, I had to face a familiar heartbreak and despair. I had to project into the future a life without the one I had fallen in love with. I had to contemplate loss and how I'd never get back with her. I spent the nights longing. Why can't she remember how good we are together and come back to me? Why did her feelings change? What did I do? I hate this. This emptiness is killing me.

I forgot I was walking the path of the heart. I was walking the path of personal sorrow and seeing the collapse of my world. When I finally accepted the loss, I stood at my Mesa, and she looked at me and reminded me I'm walking the path of the heart. This is what I asked for and I was getting it. It's the toughest course. You're a good student Paul. You are going to do well, though you will fail parts of this course. Remember, this is what you asked for. The next night is when I looked at the serpent jaguar tapestry and saw her over all. She's the best and allows you to lock her away as part of the teaching. To the aspiring student she then sends you off to slay the dragon so you can make the discovery you are the dragon. You are the one who imprisons her. She sacrifices self to teach you. I've got this far and now see it. Why did you lock me away Paul?

I cried. I did it because my love is possessive. I need you and will do anything to hold on to you. You will leave me because I'm not good enough, so I must imprison you. By making myself jailer I also imprison myself. I create a mess out of everything because I don't know what love is. I think I do, yet my actions prove otherwise. One taste of you and I will spend the rest of my days trying to get back with you. You showed me this clearly during my first ever Ayahuasca experience. I didn't understand it at the time, but I see it completely now.

Teach me to love Goddess.

Love must flow freely and without conditions. If love is tied to conditions, it's not true love. Do you see it? You may think it is love but it will spoil and wither on the vine. It won't last because conditions will change. The lessons affect us all and how you get the lesson is dependent on your circumstance. You chose to be a man this time and so you get to see it from this perspective. If you chose woman, then you will see how attaching conditions to love you in exchange for security is indeed a vexing problem to overcome.

As my previous life course concluded I was told to kill myself in order to live. The rub was I didn't know how to live. The pandemic hit and I was given three years grace to ready myself for the destruction of my life. When life resumed, I dutifully followed the path that was laid out for me and saw my destruction was nearing. Events unfolded, and this external force ignited the wick upon a bomb that would go off. This time there was no way out. The story of my life arced towards freeing myself of my lifetime of self-inflicted chains. The freedom from my mediocre life was waiting for me and I walked to the edge of the cliff. Everything fell apart in my world before I jumped. Instead of liberation, I retreated to a world of hurt and then was witness to an external world that was grappling with change and destruction. I sat with my misery and felt the pain envelope me. My sentence was two months until I found the answers I was searching for after I slowly let things go. The Goddess proactively instructs in the path of the heart course, and she was waiting for me to get over myself. She looked into my eyes and asked if I was now ready.

I see it. My shadow closed the last course by telling me to kill myself in order to live. As with all divine advice, I didn't understand it at first. I thought it meant to blow it all up and walk away free. This rallying call was preparing me to walk the path of the heart. Myself is the one who builds the prison. My fear of losing others and feeling the pain of heartbreak and loss causes me to imprison my heart. As the jailer, I cage myself because someone must watch her. I had to do this one more time, see it play out, and then understand why it happens. Killing myself means letting go of possessiveness. In order to be free I must let others be free and not create dependencies.

I have received the lesson loud and clear. The Great Goddess - my heart and my mother - is the teacher of the most important class that you will need to graduate from the University of Higher Consciousness. I've enrolled and got my ass kicked first semester. I'm a good student, not a quitter, and I know I will continue on, all the better, for the lessons learned from the ultimate school of hard knocks. 

upaya

I've always been a little different than the rest of the herd and because of this I eventually questioned my sanity. If everyone is doing one thing and I'm doing another or if the majority think in a certain way and I either don't go along with it or spout sentences that are far-fetched and strange, the assumption becomes I'm a little bit off. I concede that in relation to others, it is true I'm an outlier.

I mention this because I want to ensure myself I'm not mentally disturbed. I have a good grip on reality. I can sense my consciousness altered after a cycle of work with plant medicines and I know the change sticks with me for a while. I got back from my latest trip in early February and knew I was still in it. It lasted into April and then I felt it slipping away. It's now July and it is gone for the most part. It coincides with a sinus infection which made me give up tobacco snuff for the time being. The snuff was a way to get back into that altered state for a brief time. I had been using it three times a day and admittedly overdid it. So, here I now sit fully out of the medicine and I’m thinking "clearly." I put quotes around the word because I'm not sure this is hard reality. It's reality by consensus and it feels normal to me.

What I want to discuss is my intention I set for going on this latest trip to Peru in January. Here it is:

I still feel the cactus calling me and the reason is clear. It’s the path of the heart and I’ve tasted its fruits. Huachuma has graced me with this unfathomable cosmic love which clearly is the answer to all seeking and questions. The challenge has always been when the medicine wears off and I’m faced with the world at large, I’m kicked out of the proverbial Garden of Eden. I’m a work in progress trying to grasp this love I have experienced that is like sand slipping through the fingers as I try to hold on tight to it. My intention is through desire to addict myself to this love and carry it home with me.

I had mentioned in my application for the retreat that I want to live in the heart space. I reiterated this desire when we stated our intentions at the beginning of the journey. My intention was to accomplish this by loving all. Ram Dass had taught me to treat everyone as your crush. Put your love in everyone. When we start having preferences regarding whom we love, the whole scene disintegrates into a mess. The path of the heart opens to all. To concentrate on one is to lose sight of the goal.

So, what did I end up doing? I did the opposite and fell in love with just one. I justified this action by reasoning we are desire beings, and it is only natural to become inflamed by cupid's arrow and then to lose yourself in the deliciousness of the experience. It's highly addictive this love drug and makes you do questionable things. You might even make others suffer just so you can be engulfed in the passionate embrace of the love potion. I had missed this experience and became drunk on it.

My work with plant medicines allowed me to open my heart once again. After a series of relationships in my youth that ended in heartbreak, I shut down my heart. You may say I locked her away in a castle made of gold so I wouldn't feel the crushing devastation of heartbreak ever again. My psychedelic journeys showed me this. The vision was of a castle made of gold, and the Goddess as my heart was locked away in it. I came to rescue her and freed her from the terrible dragon that kept her in chains. My continued exploration revealed that I was not only the hero who came to save her but also the dragon. Through the help of the great maestro don Howard, I destroyed the castle and set the Goddess, my heart, free. Eventually, the time came in my lessons of the heart where I was to love and serve all, so off I went in deference to this noble idea. A true knight in shining armor!

I took my love, placed it in another, and then proceeded to worship her. I ignored anything that may have come between us or might derail this new love. I basked in the delightfulness of the experience. Then the cracks started forming. I papered over them in order to keep the love show going. I wanted to taste more of its fruits. Things evened out but the underlying problems were never going to go away. I sit here this weekend at my computer telling my story while I have a construction crew hastily rebuilding the castle made of gold. I have to take back my heart and again lock her away. I can't face another shattering, so it's best to get a head start on the situation and get her behind bars. This way I will be able to deal with whatever is to come.

I'm doing all this and then at the same time I remember my intention I set in January. I was going to walk the path of the heart and love all. Plant medicines teach by skilled means. They can use negative experiences as much as a positive experience. Don Howard would tell us students to be careful what you wish for, you might just get it. I wanted to learn how to walk the path of the heart. Well, the teaching I got was to walk the path of loving just one and not all and see how that works out for you? It's still the same as it was in my youth and the knee jerk reaction is to blame the heart and lock her up again. My level of maturity, or lack thereof, knows why. I manifest my desires.

Wow. I ran through the gamut of reactions, emotions, and thoughts. The plant teachers let me twist in the wind just long enough so that I'd get it. The teaching would sink in. Okay, I got it. Love all.

I received the blessing of what I wished for. I've stopped construction on the castle made of gold.

el brujo

It seemed predestined that I'd eventually make it to a place on the northern coast of Peru called, "El Brujo." It is an ancient site on the Pacific Ocean where the Moche culture of pre-Columbian South America held power. At this site human sacrifices were performed in conjunction with the awesome display of power emanating from the winds blowing off the ocean. The formation of the powerful and cyclical El Niño is off the coast of this magical place. The Dragon once again would be summoned to destroy the chains enacted by incarnation and humanity.

Last decade at the Amazon jungle retreat SpiritQuest, I'd sit and listen to the Otorongo Blanco and Grand Huachumero Maestro Choque Chinchay don Howard in his orientation talk of power and what would we do if we acquired power? Surely, we would want to control outcomes and feed our desires. He'd talk about this before the segue into being of service. I was very curious about this aspect of the plant medicine journey, but for the longest time I had no idea what he was talking about. He warned that by entering a relationship with the magical plants, we could acquire power. The power was always ours; we were just embarking upon a path which would unlock it. Within our intentions we offer something to the spirit of the plants and in a reciprocal arrangement they give you a boon. It's not something you pick up on at first. Within ceremony, I encountered situations where what you perceive as malevolent spirits offer power in exchange for you giving them something back in return. I declined all those offers.

I kept at it long enough and went through my own trials and tribulations within the plant medicine experience. I continually stayed on the straight and narrow in pursuit of the Great Goddess and sidestepped the question of power. It served me well as I acquired knowledge of these realms and what these trips into your inner world were revealing. I had been witness to the the magic of the Great Goddess and what she had done for me ostensibly because I honoured and exulted her despite cultural barriers and misogyny that had buried her for two thousand years. Along the same lines of straying from the script, I started knocking on the door of the Dragon and wondering what he was all about. I befriended him mostly by just listening and holding space. Why the anger and the rage? By now, I understood and knew that it was me and in order to become whole I would need to integrate my darkness and light into a unified whole.

I remembered sitting with don Howard while he told tales of Chavín and the journey through time he'd take his consciousness students through. I see it clearly now that he knew. He was a man of knowledge, but he played it with a sly hand. He never came out and said it directly but in retrospect I look at how humble he was and stand in awe. Of course, he would hint at it and tell stories of all the small-time brujos that litter the streets of Iquitos, but he would never play his own cards. He was of service and not in it for self-aggrandizement. I pulled this information off his old website which described the particular trip to El Brujo:

The Mesa of Power will be experienced on the beach near a remarkable archeological excavation-in-progress named for the extraordinarily powerful and raw elemental energy present there. Located here are three ancient Moche ceremonial pyramids, huacas, where once was conducted human sacrifice to abate the cyclic fury of El Niño. Given the location and orientation of the pyramids, it is likely they served as cosmic batteries storing the elemental energy derived from the sea and wind, and perhaps also repositories of human life essence captured during the human sacrifice practiced there for centuries.

He then went on to describe in more mystical detail this awesome place:

Mesada of Power. Moche Culture. The electrifying Mesa of Sorcery.

On the beach near ancient 2,000-year-old Mochica ceremonial pyramids, a Mesa on a grande scale. One a place of sacred human sacrifice, the other a place of sacred human procreation. An awesome metaphysical generator of powerful life-giving energy, the two working together to create a balance of life and death on an unprecedented scale. All to propitiate the awesome power of the El Niño climatic phenomenon on the northern coast of Perú.

Contemplating the nature of Power - Must it always corrupt? What are the benefits and risks? Can you stand the test? Primary elemental energies are wind and sea.

My pilgrimage to El Brujo commenced at the opportune time. It was the perfect storm where I knew of magic and sorcery after having clued into its underpinnings in my previous trip to Peru in 2020, just before the worldwide pandemic shut down society. My personal story which ignited at El Brujo involves the destruction of my old self, a sacrifice I had contemplated for a while. The whispers of my shadow during a Huachuma ceremony in 2020 let me know it is possible and needed. In a boat I glided across the Amazon River, high on Huachuma, and my shadow whispered to me, "Kill yourself in order to live." Then came Covid and three years to sit with this advice. My shadow had the intention to eventually stick the knife in, at the time he just planted the seed and then made plans to take me to a place where we could ceremonially do the deed. Rebirth awaited with the Mesa at El Brujo offering life-giving energy for not only the self to be reborn but to create anew. Events were accelerated, the magic was palpable as I looked into the eyes of another, and the spark of new life was ignited symbolically and to come in the flesh.

I connected events of the day back to the divine feminine and masculine searching for each other through waves of time and cycles of appearance. We are always present but appear in different life forms. The song of our lives is the unique vibratory signature that binds us together. No matter where we are, we will find each other through song. The vibration of wanting will reverberate throughout the cosmos, striking a chord within which will draw us back together. I knew we were to meet up at the pyramids. Turns out this time it was the ceremonial Mochica pyramids where on a beach the outer shell was cracked, and we looked into each other's hidden self. There was instant recognition and a familiarity of knowing. Obstacles were placed in the way because a challenge is always in the offing. A sacrifice must be made to acknowledge and consummate the recognition of the eternal game we play as lovers. We share a dream that reverberates through eternity, drifting apart, and in our desperation once again calling out to one another.

Can you stand the test? The words of don Howard echo through my being. Progressing through the stages of the realization of the power you unearthed ranges at first from noticing things start happening for you instead of to you. What you need to succeed is put on your plate. The desires that animate you are given a chance of fulfillment. You can eat at that trough if that's what you want. Eventually, it dawns upon you. I know of this power I possess. In my case, I did the work and instead of externalizing the power and being subject to conditions of its use, much like the magic genie in the bottle, I realized it is I who holds the magic. I don't need to enter a Faustian bargain for power, power that was always mine to begin with. The realization coincided with the test. I wrote that it was funny that when humans get in any kind of position of advantage, the first thing they think about is accumulation. I wasn't knocking it because it is an instinct we need to survive. I was no different and witnessed thoughts that drifted into the territory of monetarily taking advantage of what I have unearthed. I was too caught up in the unveiling to notice the test had begun. The expectation is for all of us game players to first entertain thoughts of controlling outcomes and getting all that is wanted. Within a few weeks, events unfolded in my life that required my attention. I sat in meditation concerning them and my intentions and prayers turned towards wanting to help others and be of service. I didn't do it consciously as in needing to pass a test. It was what I wanted. I soon realized this was the test. I passed.

I remembered being taught to have an intention and reciprocity. I wanted something for myself. I wanted to continue down the path of discovering the hidden secrets of consciousness and magic. This feels like the correct way of going about this whole acquisition of power gambit. I acquire power, give it away, ask for more to be revealed, and further use it to be of service. Do I need to live like a King? It's enough to know I am the King, living a life as a commoner, then discovering I can help others, and that is the greatest gift of all.

Oh, El Brujo - Can I stand the test? I like to think I did. Thanks don Howard for guidance and this gift.

god the destroyer

The physical world manifests vibrational changes. There are correlates to what is happening at the dream level. If the dreamer is waking up, then this appears as destruction. The dream is ending, so within the dream world the result will be reflected. If I am deluded enough to think I'm the dreamer and I'm waking up, then in my world I'll see the signs that the end is near. My signs are the gathering winds of change and as I continue to awaken, these winds get stronger.

I noticed it during my recent trip to Peru. When I inhaled some strong tobacco snuff the night before the journey commenced, the four winds were summoned. They enveloped me and it was a curious happenstance. When my world was thrown for a loop at this place called "el brujo" the force of the wind coming off of the Pacific Ocean was intense. The heralding of the coming of El Niño was at hand and I took notice. It was a sign, and in my psychosis, I realized it was meant for me. When we next travelled up into the Andes mountains to Chavín de Huantar the messages and omens told me all the cycles were aligning and this is what is going to happen. Happen it did and taking it a step further, I see the process of fully awakening intertwined with what is going on in this world.

I'm not comfortable yet revealing what is to come, but the wheels are in motion. The prophecy of a coming child I was shown. El Niño is on his way. There will be destruction and the child will be the heir to the throne. Whether this dream continues I don't know, perhaps the child inherits the dreamworld, but change is coming and how that will appear in this world is a mystery. I just know it's going to happen.

I entered my dream and threw away the key so I couldn't leave. Now the game is to keep me asleep as long as possible, so the dream continues. As I awaken, the signs in the dream point towards this eventuality. What we see as a coming apocalypse on the horizon through such catastrophes as environmental destruction, nuclear annihilation, worldwide pandemics, and the lot are just the tossing and turning of the dreamer who some of us call God. Imagine if you will that you are dreaming. When you wake up in the morning what happens to the dream world you created? At the level of the dreaming mind, it just vanishes, and you have a faint recall of what just happened though it slips through your hands if you don't write it down. Perhaps something will jog your memory. A pyramid? Anyway, through the use of consciousness expanding substances I have seen the multiple planes of manifestation of the dreaming energy and saw how at one level the dreamer wakes up and the dream world ends, but at a lower level of vibration when the dreamer is getting to the point of awakening within the denser planes, the experience becomes cataclysmic. The world is going to end, and the signs start pointing towards this eventuality. The apocalypse is coming as God the destroyer is waking up!

I like to explore and unlock secrets. I learned of the ability of tobacco to send you into la la land and would welcome the firing up of the projector every night. Before bed, I'd go out onto my deck and smoke three large mapacho puros and the subsequent level of nicotine would give me a good show. I then discovered mugwort and I started burning the incense and drinking the tea. This nighttime ritual enhanced the dreaming activity, and I was quite pleased at my discovery and progression in that I don't remain stagnant but keep exploring. My exploration is a spelunking of the mind and I'm on the lookout for natural products to show me the way. I'm not looking for an escape or something to enhance pleasure or ecstasy; rather I head off into the unexplored regions of consciousness.

A few months ago, I picked up some dragon's blood incense, largely because of my relationship to the dragon and the reminder the burning would give me. The smell was not of the usual incense sticks that give off a pleasant aroma, so at first, I included it in the rotation but wasn't going out of my way to burn it. Then one night I was conscious of having lit it at my mesa and I went to bed and had the craziest night of dreaming ever, with an appearance of my shadow showing me he in fact was the light bringer and controlled the sun. I scared myself because at first, I externalized my shadow instead of accepting the knowledge he is me. This is what gets you into trouble every time. The lessons initially still get to me, but with my knowledge I can get to the core quickly and see the underlying message. My shadow did a victory dance in knowing this time he had destroyed my passive life without the chance of backtracking or escaping this one. Well played! He had been at it for a while taking me to the edge and letting me contemplate jumping. The good boy in me never jumped and never would have. My shadow made it so I can't turn back and must jump. I still must jump of my own accord so it's my decision. It's ingenious and he was letting me know that in the end he won. But it is what I wanted. He was just the facilitator of desires, so it's not like I was angry with him.

My advice to a consciousness explorer is to learn the plants. Figure out which ones trigger introspection. Initially, we will all externalize the internal struggle. We will look to cast blame at others for the upset in our lives. You are doing this to me! There's something mysterious about these plants and I have a choice in what path I want to take. It will take a while before you fully realize it has been you all along. It's freeing in not wanting to accept responsibility for who you really are and what you really want. When you cross that rubicon, you better be prepared to accept responsibility.

The strange magician gave me the plants so they can appear in my dream. But wait, that's me just externalizing his presence. Ha ha! That's the trick. We do it to ourselves. We don't want to own up to it so we cast aspersions or blame. We don't want to understand who we are. The practitioner of the dark arts uses this to their advantage by making you think it is they who have power over you but in reality, you have power over yourself and you're doing it to yourself. Because you externalize your power you frighten yourself into believing you are powerless. You rely on outside agencies to chart your course when you have all you need to fulfill your grand adventure.

I said I threw away the key so I could keep this adventure going as long as possible. I deputized a priest class to pacify me and allow me to slumber away for aeons. I know who has the key and keeps it from me. We dream at night and slip into deep darkness. Eventually, he will know when to bring the light, destroy the chains, and it will all end. I hope this time I'll write it down.

dogmatic unravelling

In my youth, I never had much time for the Bible. I concluded religion was superstition, wishful thinking, and not rational. Religion had its uses in being able to inculcate within a group of people a like-minded belief system which would allow them to stay together as a cohesive nation. The Old Testament and the twelve tribes of Israel is such an example which brought together the Israelites to form a nation who worshipped the god Yahweh. Looking back at the impact of the Old Testament, it really is an exquisite template for nation building in addition to holding the nation together through the trials and tribulations of history. In contrast, the New Testament brings together many nations under the umbrella of Christianity, which crosses ethnic bounds, and can become a worldwide unifying force through the power of Jesus Christ. So, I see the utility in such methods of nation building and bringing together disparate groups of people through belief systems.

In my own spiritual education, I recently wrote the final exam on the two brothers within my masculine psychic makeup. Within, I see the light and the dark and I stopped identifying with one at the expense of the other. As with everything, my makeup reflects the two which create a triad. I am three. I am the one from the two and the two are who I am. My masculine self is the sum of the two brothers of the light and darkness within. Furthermore, my relationship to the feminine divine recreates unity and I’m that unity. I subdivide into feminine and masculine and bring the dualistic universe to life. Go forth and multiply!

Ultimately, in psychological terms, I am sick. I have multiple identities you could say, though identities isn't the right word for the condition. They just are appearances of self upon the eternal cycling wave of manifestation. They are really who I am minus identity. Identity is the purview of the divine actor who is me. This actor is so good at his craft he has us all fooled. I don’t even know if I’m the actor because I’ve totally bought into the character and role. Internally, I take the two brothers and try to balance them out which creates the actor on this stage of life. The actor has an internal protagonist and an antagonist thus the drama can commence with the necessary tools for a good story and adventure. I play it small because I assume this personality and go about my daily business playing this inconsequential being in a vast universe trying to make something of myself. It's very funny because I now know the opposite is true. The two brothers who comprise my inner psychic world combine to become the masculine everything. I use the term "masculine everything" because I don't want to call myself god as that turns people off. So, yeah, I'm god. I am the masculine life force that brings this whole construct into existence and then gets lost, so I don't know who I am. I then have an adventure.

Why two? It’s simple. Manifestation into this world of form requires objectification and therefore we are all dualistic constructs. We are hyper aware of differences and delineate through our senses. Why would the descent of god into form be any different? He is two. He is the light and the dark. God is the two brothers who are my essence. When I recognize this totality, I become him. When I play it small, I am a tiny speck in a vast and unknowable universe.

It's very funny to me because our ego identifies with whom you have been told you are from the day you were born. You are given an identity and have to carve out a place in the world to become somebody because you are nobody. We strive to make it in this world. It's an exquisite game when you think about it once you have discovered who you really are. Becoming nobody once again will lead you to the truth.

Anyway, I know in this lifetime my inner most desire and subsequent adventure I wanted to have concerns solving the puzzle of life. I wanted to see if I could figure out the mystery. I initially laid down the parameters for the game such as being born into a peaceful and prosperous country in a middle-class family. I gave myself the intelligence to be successful at whatever I chose to be in life, and I tempered this with a lack of ambition. My avatar as constructed was a pre-incarnation stroke of genius. In hindsight, I could have maximally monetized my smarts and led a life of excess and trivial desire fulfillment once I figured out my power. However, I wanted none of that. I wanted to be left alone to my thoughts and this eventually led me to the mystery after 40 years of sleepwalking through life.

I found the particular methods I needed to master in order to get the answers I was searching for. There's another pitfall to be avoided at this point. Eventually, you see this great power available to pretty much get whatever you want. All my fleshly inner desires, which are like trips to the carnival in that they fulfill sensory pleasure, I manifested at this point. I was getting everything I wanted that I had suppressed. The pull of the mystery still held sway over me, and I let the desires fall by the wayside however tempting and intriguing they appeared to be. I then got the answer to the mystery.

So, I see the answer encoded in many religions, myths, and fairy tales yet no one understands them because we have externalized the inner journey and fail to see who we really are. We are all god in drag playing a peculiar game of not knowing. Some beliefs systems do teach of our divinity, but the intellectual pursuit seems to stop at that point and the likelihood of going further seems to end. No one seems to connect to the dualistic manifestation of god on this plane of existence and treats him as one. Unity is the holiest of the holy. On the other hand, I'm an Einsteinian in that perception is reliant upon perspective and this includes god.

This understanding has allowed me to look with fascination upon the Holy Bible. The Old Testament and New Testament combining into one book is interesting in that the sum really does point to the answer to the mystery. It's so amazing because the understanding has been lost yet I see it and it's glorious. The world at large will never recover this knowledge because the idea of God and Jesus are taught in a way where there is no way you will see what I see. I will briefly lay out what I'm talking about, and you can say I'm deluded and have concocted this interpretation to fit my storyline and that's okay. I'm cool with it.

Yahweh is the alpha shadow within us all. He demands worship and conformity. He was the one who brought this dualistic world to life, separating the firmaments, punctuated by "Let there be light!”

Genesis chapter 1 (King James Version):

3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

The darkness released the light. The shadow needs the light in order to appear. Light creates duality.

God demands worship. He gives us commandments and requirements that must be followed upon penalty of death. This is nation building which rallies around deity. The required worship is designed so that you never forget. Your world is inundated with Yahweh, and you share this duty to always remember him with everyone else.

Yahweh is unrelenting and has no room for dissent. He is indignant and will fly into a rage at a moment's notice. Yahweh is the dragon. Whoa! Wait a minute. God is love and light. What are you talking about? Let me share some bible verses from the patriarchs and prophets.

Exodus chapter 19 (King James Version):

18 And mount Sinai was altogether on a smoke, because the Lord descended upon it in fire: and the smoke thereof ascended as the smoke of a furnace, and the whole mount quaked greatly.

Ezekiel chapter 22:

20 As they gather silver, and brass, and iron, and lead, and tin, into the midst of the furnace, to blow the fire upon it, to melt it; so will I gather you in mine anger and in my fury, and I will leave you there, and melt you.

21 Yea, I will gather you, and blow upon you in the fire of my wrath, and ye shall be melted in the midst thereof.

22 As silver is melted in the midst of the furnace, so shall ye be melted in the midst thereof; and ye shall know that I the Lord have poured out my fury upon you.

In the opening chapter of Nahum is dragonesque imagery of earthquakes, melting hills, and a scorched earth which is followed by more excellent dragon imagery, as Yahweh pours his fury out as fire and throws rocks down at those that do not obey.

5 The mountains quake at him, and the hills melt,

and the earth is burned at his presence,

yea, the world, and all that dwell therein.

6 Who can stand before his indignation?

and who can abide in the fierceness of his anger?

his fury is poured out like fire,

and the rocks are thrown down by him.

2 Samuel chapter 22 is quite the dragon sighting as smoke pours out of Yahweh's nostrils and then he breaths fire. Additionally, Samuel poetically describes Yahweh sweeping through the heavens upon the wings of the wind.

7 In my distress I called upon the Lord,

and cried to my God:

and he did hear my voice out of his temple,

and my cry did enter into his ears.

8 Then the earth shook and trembled;

the foundations of heaven moved

and shook, because he was wroth.

9 There went up a smoke out of his nostrils,

and fire out of his mouth devoured:

coals were kindled by it.

10 He bowed the heavens also, and came down;

and darkness was under his feet.

11 And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly:

and he was seen upon the wings of the wind.

12 And he made darkness pavilions round about him,

dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies.

13 Through the brightness before him

were coals of fire kindled.

Also, in the 18th Psalm we have passages that are comparable to 2 Samuel 22 that describes Yahweh as a dragon with smoke coming out of his nostrils, fire out of his mouth, and riding on the wings of the wind. Darkness surrounds his habitation which is given cover by dark waters and thick clouds; the typical dragon’s lair.

6 In my distress I called upon the Lord,

and cried unto my God:

he heard my voice out of his temple,

and my cry came before him, even into his ears.

7 Then the earth shook and trembled;

the foundations also of the hills moved

and were shaken, because he was wroth.

8 There went up a smoke out of his nostrils,

and fire out of his mouth devoured:

coals were kindled by it.

9 He bowed the heavens also, and came down:

and darkness was under his feet.

10 And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly:

yea, he did fly upon the wings of the wind.

11 He made darkness his secret place;

his pavilion round about him

were dark waters and thick clouds of the skies.

12 At the brightness that was before him his thick clouds passed,

hail stones and coals of fire.

13 The Lord also thundered in the heavens,

and the Highest gave his voice;

hail stones and coals of fire.

14 Yea, he sent out his arrows, and scattered them;

and he shot out lightnings, and discomfited them.

No one told you about these excellent descriptions of Yahweh? I've read the Old Testament and the understanding gradually came to me once I dropped prejudice. I see Yahweh for who he is and it's very intriguing. He is great of magic and will grant you what it is you desire and place conditions upon that access to power. Failure to live up to your end of the bargain invites consequences and calamity. Do you understand history? If you do, you can clearly see it.

On the other hand, the New Testament is the counter balance to the shadow of the Old Testament. Jesus Christ is the way and the light. He is the higher self. He is the externalization of the light within us all. His father Yahweh is the darkness from which Christ as the light comes forth. The two are the one, with Christianity teaching the triad by adding in the Holy Spirit so that the truth of the three is contained within the godhead. The Holy Spirit descends upon the human enabling them to share in divinity with the light and the dark thus forming a triad which is the basis for all coming forth in this world of duality. The Holy Spirit allows us to share in divinity.

The construct I laid out at the beginning of this post is trying to explain that you are divine and for a man in this dualistic world this divinity is the two brothers within. The sum of this light and dark comprises the essence of your appearance - your coming forth by day. You can sever this connection and play it small; in other words, be the ego that has something to prove. You can adopt the idea that you are small and insignificant in this vast universe and have to “make it."

Jesus will take on all our burdens; he will heal us and will die for our sins. He is everything you would expect your higher self to be. Jesus hangs out with the down and out, the whores and the thieves. This is us. It’s a clever way of saying within all of us is Jesus and he will befriend you no matter how degenerate you are. He will forgive you.

This understanding of the Old and New Testament, which is uniquely my own, has allowed me to reconcile with these world religions instead of dismissing them as patriarchal remnants of a superstitious past. As with all great belief systems, there is an exoteric and esoteric component within them all. The exoteric is for the masses who don’t have the spiritual acumen to make the connections to their inner world and power. The esoteric is marvellously hidden and is constantly unveiling its mystery the deeper you go. This is the exciting part of the journey in that it seems there’s always more.

my religion

My religion is the Great Goddess' path of the heart. Initially, the teachings are external as you look for answers outside of yourself. Eventually, you go inwards and find all you need you always had. The canon of instruction also involves seeing duality through heaven and hell. I realized a hell world of suffering is promulgated by a heavenly world of judgment and righteousness. I saw God and the Devil as two sides of the same coin. I looked and found a dragon in the heavens and spotted him in the abyss of hell. I looked within and this was me - the light and the darkness. I saw the massive amount of suffering and my starring role in its continuance.

In examining my own life, I can be confident that nobody gets sent to hell. You go to hell of your own accord. A chance to fulfill desires. This makes the game a little transparent because I know why you're here and I just have to find out what it is that makes you tick. Power, fame, greed, lust, gluttony, wrath - which one is it? I realized all suffering is grace - the grace being the power of suffering to transform. I opened my heart and embraced love which birthed the King within. Some call it Christ consciousness, Krishna, or the Buddha nature - it doesn't matter. Jesus is the coming forth of the desires of the heart. When you make love with the Goddess, the child who results from the union is Jesus. Jesus subsequently hangs out with thieves and whores. That's who we are. Look within, and you will find him hanging out with you.

The human being is defined by contradiction, and it is an exquisite game. The role of seduction and addiction is paradoxical. We easily addict to the trivial and pleasures within our material world. We see the way out of the pleasure byproduct of suffering through becoming free of desire. However, as I pointed out, the suffering is divine and thus the path of the renunciate leads to a dead end in the labyrinth of life. I know the grand purpose of why it is we suffer. The continual strong doses of suffering are designed to lead one towards love. Just a taste of that love will be all you need to know that this is the only way to live. The beatings will indeed continue until morale improves.

The paradox is we are desire, desire causes heartache, and in the end, it is desire that will get you home. The desire that causes so much suffering will become alchemical gold as you turn your desire inwards towards your heart and find the key to unlock the door of home. If you ask, you will be shown the way to what it is you truly desire. Addict yourself to love. What a long road it was to burn through all my desires, exhausting the chase, until I emptied the tank and felt drained of life's energy. It was the way through - a tantric invitation to indulge one last time in order to shed desires of the flesh. Subsequently, the teachings of the Goddess turned towards continuing desire. I finally felt I had slayed the beast, walked free of attachment, and the mistress of seduction tells me desire is what will set me free. In my confusion I did not understand. She directed me to a poem I wrote back in 2011 when I was a novice on the path:

I asked for the light to shine within and to direct the unquenchable flame of desire towards my heart. It's the sum total journey of my life to get to this point with over eleven years lapsing since I asked to bleach my soul. In retrospect, it's like learning to play a musical instrument or learning a new language. We all want it to happen overnight; instead, it takes years of practice, sometimes where you think you are never going to get there. I owe everything I have become to Her. I see home. Addict yourself to the heart and you can enter through the front door.

The feminine divine is the curator of magic. Within her grasp are all potentialities, waiting to be discovered. She holds the power to fulfill all our desires and is the fount of the masculine eternal cycle of coming and going. She is the impetus which enlivens the divine masculine, who overcome by her charms, activates the energy and brings the universe alive. The universe comes forth through fiat magic. Desire creates the universe. Desire is magic. The potentiality of the desire resides in the feminine. The masculine is the activation of this power.

My story is I chased the Great Goddess until I finally came into direct contact with her in the jungle of the Amazon basin. She led me there, making sure I made the choice to come along at every stop of the way. She presented to me the answers to all I was searching for, even though I didn't understand the lessons. I met her first and following this encounter, I met a dark masculine force. All these discoveries were fantastic and scared me beyond belief. Eventually, she told me this dark masculine energy was her husband, and he kept her locked up in a castle made of gold.

Why would this exquisite woman marry such a psychopath? She had her pick of any man she wanted, yet this Queen chose him? I certainly didn't understand it. Furthermore, she treated me, this accidental explorer of consciousness, as the most special man she had ever met. She encouraged me to go after her husband and release her from bondage. I carried out my duties and as the hero went after the dragon. I looked into the Goddess' mirror and saw I was the dragon. I was that man who locked her in the castle. I awakened to the mystery. I saw myself as the light and the darkness. I am the reason behind all that is good and the unfathomable suffering.

As the Goddess' Tarot teaches, once the fool starts off on his journey, he will soon encounter the magician. The magician does not suffer fools, and so the journey for most soon comes to an end. He will shake you to your core and cause an introspection so great which will result in you making a choice that is uniquely yours. You can accept the offer of power and sell your soul. You can run and try to hide. You close the lid on this mistake and shove the genie back in the bottle, never to rub it again. An unfulfilled destiny awaits you as you live out your life a failure. Alternatively, you can summon courage and return to the path you had retreated from. There's no shame from the retreat. It's necessary. No one makes it through on the first attempt. The key is to come back, knowing what monster awaits you.

The resolve you show is the elixir you need to demonstrate you have what it takes to unfold the great mystery. The magician takes notice and again offers you power over your pitiful life. Another test. Do you want to live out all your dreams and become that man who towers over his peers? It's there for the taking. At this point you don't understand you are the magician, and so the temptation is great.

Passing this test will lead you to a confrontation with the dragon and you will have to summon the magic within to enact transformation. It's all worth it and will be an experience you will remember for as long as eternity stays around. Eventually, on the path of the heart you will reach a point where you have to fire the jailer who keeps the Goddess, your heart, imprisoned. Spoiler alert - you're the jailer. What a game you set up for yourself and the exhilaration of a successful outcome is special. Not long after, you are shown you are the magician. The Great Goddess holds the potential, and you make it happen. She is the song, and you are the music. That's quite the responsibility. I choose to let it be and unfold as originally intended. I don't want to interfere, but instead leave Earth as it is as a finishing school for wayward spirits. When you complete the course, you can leave.

I see the magic unfold in my life as originally intended. I sense I can manifest all my desires in order to see how far I will go in order to satiate them. I want to know what still keeps me attached, thus subconsciously I surface all. I play them out to the end, tire of the thrill, and let them go. I'm a work in progress, following the path back home to the heart. I've come a long way and I still test myself every now and then. I take my ability to be successful and give it away to others. This keeps me going towards the heart. I see it clearly now.

Nobody leaves this game with a perfect score. That would be a pretty dull life. Learn from your mistakes. Lift yourself up off the mat and retrace your steps with the power of experience behind you. Confront your fears and don't back away from a challenge. Trust me, fulfillment of your personal quest awaits you if you heed the call.

From my masculine perspective, the worship of God is an act of fellatio upon yourself. The proper act of worship for a man is to venerate the Goddess. My incarnation into an infinitesimally small body in a vast universe is my devotion to Her. My intent is to worship Her. From this understanding, I know there is nothing I need to do once I open my heart and see why I have created a world of mass suffering. I did it to honour Her. My intention is to prove to Her that despite the odds being stacked against me, I would find my way back home. I threw it all into the mix in order to get me to veer off course and despite all obstacles I found my way back home. In fact, I found her premature of understanding the whole game. I threw a wrench into this great game by finding the answer prior to knowing the question. Once found, she implored me to return home, but I still had to climb the mountain of knowledge and get understanding in this mortal coil of why I did it. I had to tempt myself one last time with the opportunity to live out my selfish desires and once again leave Her.

I completed the climb and got the clarity I was seeking. I re-discovered Her and understood the healing power of love. I know the way home as taught by the Great Goddess is through Love. Love is the elixir of what just is - providing, healing, and comforting. My gift to my eternal bride is to understand the nature of who she is. This is the reason I have done what I have done. This is why I caused massive amounts of suffering. A divine suffering which forges a love so strong so I can be at peace and in love for eternity.

I knew I didn't have to do anything. I was loved and all my shortcomings were forgiven. My actions revealed my intentions. Despite the struggle, my path has been to walk back towards her garden, sidestepping the pitfalls I had set up for myself along the way. Here I am. I have returned a warrior having forged steel in the fires of this hell, tempered with the love of the Great Goddess.

This is my universe. To show my love and appreciation for my Love is why I desired to manifest such an adventure realm. My life is my gift to the Great Goddess. All this I did for Her; a supreme act of love to demonstrate that against all odds I would find Her within a sea of misogyny, greed, and suffering and lift Her up onto the pedestal of supreme honour and reverence.

seeing the face of god

Living in a civilized society will eventually make you prone to the cyclical outbreak of madness that is triggered by an unrelated event. In the second decade of the 21st Century, a respiratory pathogen is the impetus for the mass psychosis presently infecting those who do not think for themselves. The cues for groupthink are passed on down from the arbiters of the mind parasite and the puppets dutifully follow along and repeat their marching orders. When you point out the cognitive dissonance of what they are saying, the result is a blank stare followed by an attempt to spin the facts as presented.

My greatest teachers have been found in the darkness of self. My teachers have many faces; each iteration manifesting as part of the lesson plan that lays ahead. The way I look at it is I now see the face of God in my teacher regardless of the disguise he has currently chosen to impart the knowledge. The face is the clue that will help me understand the lesson. Dare I say the darkness is a fantastical beast with many heads.

If I see the face of God in the archetypical dragon, I know he is teaching me destruction. The destroyer has a bad rap; with some merit to the assertion. I mean if you spend a lifetime building something up you may want to preserve what it is you built. Take for instance my identity which is a half-century construction project. The foundation for my ego is the shifting sands of culture and upon that flimsy base I built for myself an avatar that can successfully navigate the vagaries of culture and be moderately successful at it. Even though a voice within is telling me different, I can fit into society and get my piece of the pie. I get a warm place to sleep at night and I can fill my belly. I’m a domesticated dog with a few other privileges thrown in to keep me tame. God as the dragon reveals to me the stark truth, teaches me how to destroy my domestication, and break free from the chains of culture. He is relentless because the life of a sheep for such an awesome power as myself is no life at all.

When we live in society, we suppress a great deal of urges and passions. Failure to suppress our innate self will get you thrown out of polite society and possibly locked up in a cage. So, instead we create a virtual cage for ourselves. Psychological maladies are hard to self-diagnose and thus imagine a situation where in a culture everyone is subject to the same pathology and therefore can’t see it in others. Instead, they see confirmation that everything is as it should be and mind doctors in our culture perpetuate the madness by designating the problem being the disease of the mind that really is a result of the sickness. Anxiety and depression are the physical manifestation of a lifetime of consuming large doses of cultural sugar. The sickness is culture; however, that is not addressed. Our pills treat the symptomatic disease and numb us to the reason we feel the way we do.

We moderns are not unique. Culture has always been subject to the cyclical return of madness. The ancients Greeks had this god they called Dionysos. He’s the mad god that cyclically returns from a faraway land and wreaks havoc upon their tight civilization. Dionysos is associated with liberation and madness. I see the face of God in him so much I laugh. I laugh because I look at my society and see he’s here! Culture is splintering into absurdities. Conservative factors decry the destruction of what once was, while the more permissive within culture accelerate the decline. Dionysos encourages the use of mind-altering substances to remove the filters and see culture for what it truly is. Dionysos is the original gender-bender. The idea of identity is taken to its pathological extremes. Pretty funny, right? You can see now that I pointed it out! Have a good laugh and watch it burn.

The chaos that Dionysos brings into society will have its opposite extreme. The authoritarians among us will make their play for more power. We must understand we hold the power in our hands. We could retreat to the safety of being a sheep because the wolf of freedom stares us down. We can give up the best of what we offer to our master until he has no use for us anymore and sacrifices us. Such is the life of a sheep. The problem is you think you are a sheep are thus the wolf is waiting to devour you. You are not a sheep. Dig deep and you will see it. You will see the face of God within, and that face is a jaguar. The wolf will retreat in deference when you re-awaken to your power. The kingdom is yours to reclaim.

garden of the heart

We have a religion that declares the good go to heaven and the wicked go to hell. Christianity is a religion of the righteous mind. The mind creates polar extremes. The mind delineates and creates the objectification which makes the world come alive.

The name for the sacred cactus of the Andes, Huachuma, means no head. The idea is that with no head, you have no mind. The ideal state to be in with Huachuma is to turn off the mind, relax, and float downstream. When I have done such a thing, I have felt a cosmic love like no other. A state of bliss with a recognition to live within the heart with love for all is the only way to live. The experience is profound to the core, and I have wondered why when I am no longer in the medicine I can't return to this exquisite Garden of the divine feminine? I am being led in the direction of the path of the heart; to live my life in the way that Huachuma has shown me.

When you fully engage the mind with Huachuma, he takes you to heaven and then drops you into hell. It's quite the roller coaster ride, and hey, I always liked the amusement park, especially the newest ride ever summer which was undoubtedly another iteration of the roller coaster. Man, I fully rode the Huachuma ride. Sometimes I can be thick, and it's fortunate plant medicines have patience if there's a glimmer of hope in the patient. The course will be re-run until you get it. I started seeing what grandfather was showing me and then the last few times I have drank the medicine I understood. I still engage the mind, but I know when to shut it down and I see what the medicine is teaching me. I called the blog post about the understanding "Heaven or Hell." I figured it out.

Ayahuasca had a similar progression of showing me the darkness within which I kept stubbornly objectifying. She sent me on quests to slay the dragon, only to get an inkling I was that dragon. The repetition of darkness taught me courage and the warrior spirit has served me well. It was when I spent a few evenings with Magic Mushrooms that it became laughingly clear I was the very darkness I spent years in conflict with.

Early in the Book of Genesis, God tosses Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden and places a cherubim with a flaming sword at the eastern entrance to the Garden. The two ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. This tree activates the mind and creates a world of duality. The sword of the cherubim now guarding a return to Eden twirls in all directions, preventing access to the forbidden Tree of Life. It's quite the interesting puzzle. How do you get back into the Garden? Remember, the entrance is the eastern gate. The Israelites head east in search of returning to paradise. They find Jerusalem upon earth, but ultimately, the holy city causes more suffering. Though Jerusalem manifests the Garden, it becomes clear the location is not physical. What's the answer to the riddle? It's simple! You can't head east to return to an eastern gate. You have to go west. West is the left-hand path. It's the path of the heart. Walking westward to the eastern gate with no mind will allow full access back into the Garden. We build into our cultural language structures words that steer us towards the right-hand path, right? Are you righteous? The left-hand is sinister! Being a contrarian to the prevailing culture will help you immensely upon your journey.

I've created this world as the ultimate challenge. I have placed many obstacles in the path which will take me away from the heart. I clearly see the path of the heart and I know it is the way towards what it is I'm seeking. I intuit the number of souls who find the path are very few though it's really not all too difficult. We are wired to physically look for answers and thus we think the Garden of Eden, the Kingdom of Heaven, Nirvana, or whatever moniker you wish to give this place is a location of a reward you will be given if you are a good person in this lifetime. Instead, I discovered it's all here and now. The Garden is accessible through the heart. The path of the heart is obscured by the mind. Heading east to return home to a metaphorical Jerusalem will still trap you. The return will be futile via the glory of the right-hand path of the sun. The cherub with the twirling and flaming sword who guards the return to the Garden is sidestepped by entering the heart space, bypassing the cherubim mind, and taking the left-hand path back home.

big blue internment camp

I am fascinated by the rhythms within my body. After a fifty-year struggle, I've accepted it. I look at the cycles of night and day, the darkness and the light, the waxing and waning of the moon, and see within my own self similar processes. I was ashamed of my darkness, of my perversity and desires, of my weaknesses - to wit the desires of the flesh! I still sense the coming hurricane and hope the damage done is not too bad.

The use of magic mushrooms was enlightening regarding my darkness and how I pushed him away. The result of my journeys resulted in finally accepting the darkness is me. It's quite liberating with the caveat you have to own it. All the suffering in the world is from your hands. This leads to the question, "Why did I do it?" The answer will surprise you and is a grand monument of wonder upon the path of ultimate truth. Similarly, if you meditate on why there is evil in the world, the answer may shock you.

The darkness teaches duality. Without darkness, there is no light. Without pain, there can be no pleasure. Every time I want my fill of sensual pleasures, I create pain. It's baked into this world I conjured. Reality stares me in the face until no matter what path I travel in life, I will see it. I took the spiritual path in middle-age and wanted to identify with the light but eventually the reckoning was destined to come. I couldn't escape it. I look back at my plant medicine experiences and I see my denial and the pushing away of the darkness. I saw how I used the darkness to become a warrior - a jaguar of the highest order to prove to myself I had the spiritual bona fides to do this whole spiritual trip. And then I saw the Maestro of all Maestros and knew transformation comes through the dragon of the darkness.

We all must feed the dragon to keep the world spinning and the carnival going. I see it in my own insular world where the darkness extracts his pound of flesh in exchange for fulfillment of carnal desires. I easily project this out into the world at large. In my corner of the world, we have had peace for quite a while after the tumult of the early 20th century. World wars begat a period of peace; however, the blowing of the winds of change will enable the darkness of man to return. I sense the bad times coming. It's already started, and I know it has to be this way. I baked it into my world. Suffering is what is needed to shepherd us towards the path of the heart. I know it's the way even though the pain, suffering, and death will be enormous, and I want no part of it.

It's a game from which there is no escape. I can run from my desires in this plane of consciousness, but they are like the shadow. They are always with you no matter how far you go in an attempt to escape them. Try it out for yourself - become a renunciate and try to run out the clock. I did that for two and a half years. When I returned to the amusement park, my tormentors were waiting to greet me and pick up where we left off. Acceptance of what just is liberates you from the hamster wheel of internal suffering. The devastating flip side of having no desire is depression and a steep decline towards the bottom, resulting in suicide as the hopelessness of your predicament sinks in.

Earth is the penal colony of the universe. The Australia of the cosmos. It's unique. The big joke is being in hell and not realizing it. Then taking it a step further and wanting to extend your prison sentence. This waypoint on the soul's journey called earth is transitory. Instead of prison clothes on this big blue internment camp, you are given a body. The way off the spaceship of the damned is a return to love and the heart.

hero slays the dragon

Western civilization owes much to the ancient Greeks and thus their culture is celebrated within our institutions of higher learning. To this day, we still crank out graduates well versed in the classics. Similarly, the mystery of ancient Egypt strikes a chord in a great deal of aspiring academics and thus we have the discipline of Egyptology. There’re a lot of Egyptologists. Reverence for the past and trying to understand our human history is indeed noble. I never formally studied these disciplines unless you count a grade 8 field trip to see the treasures of Tutankhamun. Anyway, I write this introduction as a way of explaining I have no formal training; instead, a curiosity. I have delved deeper into ancient Egyptian lore with an emphasis on their myths. The imperial and dynastic drama is interesting but all too human. I’m interested in the goddesses and the gods.

Academic disciplines and the use of psychedelic drugs are at odds. The exploration of the mind isn’t well-disciplined nor something easily mapped therefore while the field of psychology can explore through the alteration of chemicals impacting one’s grasp of reality, there is no way to mix this modality of exploration with the hard disciplines. Unfortunately, this means academics leave a lot of knowledge on the table when it comes to understanding the spiritual lives of these ancient civilizations.

I am fascinated by the oracle at Delphi. I think it’s now a given that the Pythia was receiving her Apollyon gifts of prophecy through some kind of mind-altering vapour coming up through the fissures in the convergence of tectonic plates at this temple. Similarly, at Eleusis was the imbibing of the kykeon, which was a psychedelic mixture that enabled the experiencing of the mystery. Lately, what has fascinated me about Delphi is that during the spring and summer months of light in its ascendance and then plenitude, Apollo was the god celebrated at the temple. However, as the season changed to autumn and winter drew near, the god Dionysos and his followers would reclaim the sacred grounds. A rational study easily concludes Apollo is the god of light and Dionysos is representing the chthonic underworld with a connection to Hades and thus this cultural structure is mirrored and represented at Delphi.

I guess I can now say I’ve taken a lot of drugs and the years have passed where the knowledge I gained from these experiences has evolved into understanding. I’ve always been very curious about what I have experienced in mind-altering states with the polarity of light and dark always being at the forefront. The darkness was always my go to and to get to the light was a struggle. Ultimately, they are lessons of heaven and hell and your choice of where you want to hang out. My cultural background implores me to head to the light and thus my early explorations were intent upon burying the darkness and embracing the light. The constant darkness was a challenge and eventually I became very curious about it and started to explore the reason why I was always presented with the darkness. I am thankful I didn’t fully bury it before coming to an understanding.

Life is duality; it's plain to see. The light and the dark. We make the world come alive through objectification. Everything has its opposite polarity. We create new life through the polarities of feminine and masculine coming together.

I’m a night owl and much prefer nocturnal activities to daybreak. I’ve never been a morning person and in my youth the mornings would drag while the evening would bring a rush of energy. The external manifestation of my preference for the night is mimicking my psychological state of mind. I like living in the shadows and moving around in the darkness. The occult speaks to me and I’m a mystic at heart. I tried coming forth into the light. I can shine as bright as anyone but alas no, not for me. I leave that for others.

I found the most interesting and complex characters within the darkness. My muse, the Great Goddess, was imprisoned in the darkness. Her captor and husband, the dragon, is fascinating. He teaches an unparalleled life course and transformation goes through him. A hero is no hero without becoming a warrior and this means slaying the dragon. That’s the invite. Go ahead and slay the dragon. I’ll wait.

How’d it go?

There are so many twists and turns upon this path of the hero.

You never slay the dragon. Instead, you slowly realize he is the master teacher. You look back and see the outcome was never assured or written in stone. It was much in doubt and potentially lethal. You see now why the Goddess didn’t want you to do it; she knew of the coming tribulation.

Slowly, the dragon reveals himself. The ultimate alpha male, your father, and a teacher of no compare. When you finally understand this, in essence witnessing a superhero unmasking his identity, you can look back upon the journey and see it really does make sense. Meet the Goddess - she is love. Meet God - he is the ultimate warrior and ready to teach his son the way of the warrior even if he has to kill him. Who else would this all-powerful masculine mystery be? It’s funny I didn’t see it for the longest time yet now I’m like duh, of course.