Monday, September 26, 2022

big blue internment camp

I am fascinated by the rhythms within my body. After a fifty-year struggle, I've accepted it. I look at the cycles of night and day, the darkness and the light, the waxing and waning of the moon, and see within my own self similar processes. I was ashamed of my darkness, of my perversity and desires, of my weaknesses - to wit the desires of the flesh! I still sense the coming hurricane and hope the damage done is not too bad.

The use of magic mushrooms was enlightening regarding my darkness and how I pushed him away. The result of my journeys resulted in finally accepting the darkness is me. It's quite liberating with the caveat you have to own it. All the suffering in the world is from your hands. This leads to the question, "Why did I do it?" The answer will surprise you and is a grand monument of wonder upon the path of ultimate truth. Similarly, if you meditate on why there is evil in the world, the answer may shock you.

The darkness teaches duality. Without darkness, there is no light. Without pain, there can be no pleasure. Every time I want my fill of sensual pleasures, I create pain. It's baked into this world I conjured. Reality stares me in the face until no matter what path I travel in life, I will see it. I took the spiritual path in middle-age and wanted to identify with the light but eventually the reckoning was destined to come. I couldn't escape it. I look back at my plant medicine experiences and I see my denial and the pushing away of the darkness. I saw how I used the darkness to become a warrior - a jaguar of the highest order to prove to myself I had the spiritual bona fides to do this whole spiritual trip. And then I saw the Maestro of all Maestros and knew transformation comes through the dragon of the darkness.

We all must feed the dragon to keep the world spinning and the carnival going. I see it in my own insular world where the darkness extracts his pound of flesh in exchange for fulfillment of carnal desires. I easily project this out into the world at large. In my corner of the world, we have had peace for quite a while after the tumult of the early 20th century. World wars begat a period of peace; however, the blowing of the winds of change will enable the darkness of man to return. I sense the bad times coming. It's already started, and I know it has to be this way. I baked it into my world. Suffering is what is needed to shepherd us towards the path of the heart. I know it's the way even though the pain, suffering, and death will be enormous, and I want no part of it.

It's a game from which there is no escape. I can run from my desires in this plane of consciousness, but they are like the shadow. They are always with you no matter how far you go in an attempt to escape them. Try it out for yourself - become a renunciate and try to run out the clock. I did that for two and a half years. When I returned to the amusement park, my tormentors were waiting to greet me and pick up where we left off. Acceptance of what just is liberates you from the hamster wheel of internal suffering. The devastating flip side of having no desire is depression and a steep decline towards the bottom, resulting in suicide as the hopelessness of your predicament sinks in.

Earth is the penal colony of the universe. The Australia of the cosmos. It's unique. The big joke is being in hell and not realizing it. Then taking it a step further and wanting to extend your prison sentence. This waypoint on the soul's journey called earth is transitory. Instead of prison clothes on this big blue internment camp, you are given a body. The way off the spaceship of the damned is a return to love and the heart.

Monday, September 19, 2022


Do I want recognition? I peer deep down into my motivation for making public my thoughts. When I first started writing in this blog space, I had low expectations. The process was a way to coalesce the swirling thoughts and ideas in my head. I felt a release from the mind dump. Along the way, I discovered that the process allows for the distillation of knowledge into understanding. The curious thing about the writing process is the flow which allows words to just magically come forth and then within the corpus of what you commit to alphabetical form comes understanding. This gift of understanding through the writing process has happened so often that it is a given if I want to understand some idea more succinctly, all I have to do is write about it.

So, my motivation for this space is to attain a level of understanding of all the knowledge I have crammed into my brain. The discovery of plant medicines super-charged the acquisition of knowledge. I would list as the number one personal benefit from the use of plant teacher medicines is the acquisition of knowledge. A great deal of the knowledge is metaphorical and the process most beneficial to my own personal journey is the integration of what has been revealed to me. Without proper integration, the plant medicine experience is not fully unlocked and may lead to much unprocessed knowledge that will become contradictory over time.

The integration period is long and challenging work in order to crack the nut of understanding. The writing process is the nutcracker. It is for this reason that I would still write even if I were all alone in the void. The process would give me the understanding for which I was searching. I'm the luckiest man in the world. I know that all the reasons I came here to earth for are in my hands, ready to be cracked. I've shelled most of my questions and fulfilled my desires. The last road I walk is the path of the heart. Everything I've sorted through has led me to this one last proverbial mountain to climb. I've been shown the bliss of living head up and heart forward and know it is my duty to integrate the lessons into my daily life. I separated from my eternal bride in order to become a better man; not to return until I became that man.

The process of my understanding of what I have been taught is profound. I acquired knowledge through my mind; the mind being an indispensable tool on my journey. However, my understanding did not come through my thought processes. Understanding is a succession of aha moments as the knowledge marinates and combines with the rest of the knowledge ingredients. Eventually, something incendiary, a chance happening, or a catalyst will up level the knowledge into understanding. In my case, it is the writing process which is the master key.

So, back to the beginning and the question of fame and fortune. I've had success with other arts such as photography and was encouraged to monetize that skill. I didn't want to because I like photography! Monetizing pleasure for fortune invites discord. Art is best left alone. The best artists are poor. Hey, we all need to make a living and I'm no different. I have wondered what if my blog went viral? What if I became a best-selling spiritual guru ala a Tolle or a Ram Dass? I'd become cynical and would gravitate away from the reason I ventured out on this path. Fame and fortune are at odds with the path of the heart unless one becomes devoted to using the gain for service. My answer to remaining unknown is I'm stubborn and selfish. I'm doing this process of transformation in order to prove to the Goddess I can do it. She has told me to come home, and I don't have to do anything. It doesn't matter. However, I made a promise and set up a mysterious system of pain and suffering which would lead me back to the heart. This is the greatest gift I can offer to the Mother of all.

Monday, September 12, 2022

heart mind

When the mind is silent, the heart speaks.

Xin in Chinese is translated as the heart mind. I never really understood this for the longest time. I had knowledge that the ancients described two minds - the head and the heart but I deduced when referring to the heart, the concept was based upon emotional intelligence, and thus not really our western idea of the mind. My western idea of the mind is a computational logic device in which I process input into output. If I separate the emotional chaff from the equation, then I can get at truth.

Or so I thought.

The primary catalyst towards teaching me something different is the use of the cactus plant medicine called Huachuma. The teaching involved a series of tests where I continually used my intellectual mind while high on the drug and this state bounced me between high and low, which I subsequently described as heaven and hell. Colloquial language concerning mind altering chemicals refers to "getting high" and ignoring the other extreme. In my experience, drugs get you high and low, and without experience the first time you hit the low after loving the high, is traumatic!

So, after being hit on the head by the heavy feather of Huachuma many times, I finally began to get the teachings. Turn off your mind and relax. From this teaching I learned how to do this in daily life with the help of Mapacho tobacco and just observe without "spinning" the input to fit any pre-ordained cultural bias and narrative. Seeing how this was done, I quickly realized that using the mind will not get you to the truth because of so many external factors acting upon what you observe. The way to the truth was to turn off the mind and observe. What is, is the truth.

A funny thing happened when I started to do this. The heart mind starts to speak. At first, you recognize the voice as intuition and feelings, which you may use to guide your actions. We are all familiar with these human experiences; however, culture by and large teaches us that these "feelings" are irrational and not to be trusted. They are consigned to the category of wishy-washy flights of fancy. The seer is confined to the fringes of woo. I remembered a lecture of Alan Watts' where he explained a feeling is never wrong; though it may be uncomfortable or even immoral. The feeling is an accurate representation of your current state. Within this nugget of wisdom is found that the path to truth is attainable.

As you practice methods of quieting the mind, the messages from the heart start to reach you with a heightened clarity. Your intuition and feelings break through the fog of all you have been taught to believe and let me tell you that pall is a good old London fog. When you pay attention and take the advice of the heart mind is when the magic starts to happen. Eventually, you realize the heart mind knows all and you become a devotee of sorts, putting your trust in her.

At the same time I was discovering the wisdom within, I became interested in Tarot. I intuited reading Tarot cards worked if you fully believed in them. If you tried to use logic in order to discover some kind of secret or trick behind their oracle powers, the cards wouldn't work. So, I approached them with openness and curiosity. I didn't overdo it, but I did notice how prescient and accurate they are and connected the art form to the heart mind. The experience ventures off into religious territory where faith and belief become a thing and in turn gives the brain mind something to scoff at.

My thoughts turned to the placebo/nocebo effect and how powerful avenues of mind can be, and this includes both the heart mind and the brain mind. Our default mind, though champion of logic, cast us into despair as we dwell on the past and worry about the future. The yo-yo effect of all this mental stress does sicken us. This is not disputed. Your mind will make you physically ill. Conversely, the heart mind and the power of love is the great healer. The love of your heart, the great Mother Goddess of the ancient Egyptians, is the healer par excellence. The placebo is hope and hope is one of the first medicines prescribed by the great and venerable heart mind.

The brain mind is complex and useful. The fruits of the human mind are evident to see, and this blog post is not meant to be a polemic against this wonderful tool. In my daily life, I see how beneficial the mind can be. In my profession, I combine technical knowledge with creativity. The brain mind allows me to utilize tools and organizational skills to prepare myself for a successful outcome. Once I have prepared the canvas, I allow the flow of creativity of the heart mind to take centre stage and complete the task with a great deal of satisfaction knowing I have accessed the best of both minds.

As the saying goes. "The mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master." Lead with love, head up, and heart forward.

Monday, September 5, 2022


You know what is funny? Medical advances which allow us to live longer. When you intuit who you are and see the imprisonment in your mortal coil, the prospect of living forever becomes absurd. You become the jailer as well as the jailed. How bizarre! Not content with your prison sentence, you tell the parole hearing, "Please, more."

The wealthy seek to live longer because they have tipped the balance in their favour. The understanding of duality and how all is reconciled shows you that the accumulation of resources and wealth leads to the haves and have nots. The economically advantaged wish to perpetuate suffering as this is the route towards getting what they desire. How noble, as suffering is the master teacher of transformation which will lead you back to the heart. A grand endeavour indeed. In their selfishness, the wealthy unwittingly are the catalyst for the seeker to understand what the game is all about.

I'm not advocating purposely seeking out death. When my time comes, I will follow the flow of the universe towards my eternal destiny. Wei wu wei, as Lao Tzu counsels.  The divine ebb and waning flow of the desire cycle will let you know when you have had your fill. It is easy to understand this through the lens of childhood. What lit me up in my youth faded away as I entered adulthood. The chasing of biological needs and accumulating wealth to fulfill my desires defined my existence when I was in peak physical form. As I have aged, I have witnessed those desires falling away. I walk hand in hand with the great Ganapati and watch his demons of desire, the Ganas, burn in the hellfire, and fall away like dross. It's quite a spectacle to witness, as I notice what once lit me up, falls away, just like the childish things which waned when I became an adult.

I have kept some memories of my childhood in boxes, slowly discarding the attachments as the years go by. I sometimes lament the passing of innocence, looking back fondly at my youth. Comic books and baseball cards. Baseball board games and a replay of a whole season of baseball. I was taught the importance of play; play being an important check upon the seriousness of adulthood.

These pursuits of my coming of age have all passed. But the lessons of my youth have not been in vain, nor have they been forgotten. Life comes full circle, and as I start the descent into the inexorable decline of my physical body, I notice with a startling clarity the desires of life fade away, just as my childhood desires mysteriously became a curiosity. I often would fret over the desires that would plague me, watching as they came and went, and demanded fulfillment. I tried the renunciate path. I wished them away. I wondered why I could not defeat my adversaries? I proved I could deny them, but they still waited at the door for me to open just a crack so they could get in again. I didn't understand that in due time they would fall away, just as my childhood experience revealed to me. Why did I think I would never change?

The blinders of the moment, and the thinking my incarnation is unchanging, led me to believe I'd never escape the hold of the Ganas. Clinging to what is works to deceive you into thinking you'll always have what you have acquired, and that you'll never transcend what it is that beguiles you.

So, I see my desires being washed away. It's getting late in the evening and the amusement park is going to have a fireworks show before closing. It will open again tomorrow morning; however, not all will return for the thrills and the rides. There's a natural rhythm to life and one is the wiser if you can quiet the mind and just observe what is happening. There's no need for renunciation. If you follow the path laid out for you, curiously the one you personally designed, the flow will never let you down. You may struggle, but all this is what you wanted. The Hindus call it Karma. The reason for this particular trip to the funhouse called earth was to fulfill desires. Once fulfilled, you become way more tolerable.

Ultimately, I don't know; however, I intuit the cycle of the waxing and waning of desire is an eternal process which ensures eternal life. With free will, you are given the opportunity to make of the flow of desire what you will.

What will you choose?

Monday, August 29, 2022


Desire is the magical force which propels the eternal vibration of the interplay between the divine feminine and masculine. All is vibration and within the pulse is found the ignitor Eros. The attraction makes us whole, and the refraction causes separation and creates the universe.

With the realization we are all the manifestation of Eros, clarity will strike. You will see behind the curtain, and all is revealed. The reasons for why we do what we do, sometimes with a divine purpose, and sometimes why we are so utterly irrational, are discovered. We are pawns of desire; hellbent on fulfilling what it is we came to Earth to satiate. Is it a thirst for knowledge or an itch of lust to scratch? We can wrap it up in a divine shell and call it a mission or some other term which will make it glitter like the finest diamond at the jewelry store in the mall, but rest assured, the peak cycle of desire enables our game. The waning of desire allows us to gracefully return home.

Therefore, with this knowledge we no longer have to pretend. We may look into one another's eyes and ask, "Why are you here?" We all have a story; though some are yet discovered.

Earth is the carnival for the ablution of desire. The word ablution came to me from inspiration which is obtained through letting go and letting the words flow through. I was curious, so, I looked up the meaning:

A washing.
An ablution is a washing or a cleaning of oneself, for personal hygiene, or a ritual washing or cleaning associated with religious observance.

Very funny! When the pulsation of desire gets all too much, we are directed to the funhouse called Earth in order to purge oneself of the wants and needs. The ancients described the process as the plunging of the astral object into the waters of material incarnation, only to reappear in glory seventy days later. This is the story of the Ba soul in ancient Egypt, personified as Osiris. He disappears in late spring, only to reappear in late summer as the harvest draws near. An agricultural god, he is connected to the harvest of earthbound souls. Get your fill, see the futility of the situation, and come back home. The mad rush to fulfill these desires of ours creates immense suffering and turns paradise into hell. The knowledge of time and the encroachment of bodily death upon us gives the game a heightened sense of urgency. Apparently, we all want to live forever or at least buy some more mortal time. We are saddened by the loss of loved ones, unable to comprehend death is the ticket out of hell.

It's been the last year I realized I was in hell; well, it is a hell I've had a small part in constructing, but a hell none the less. Earth could be heaven but the reconciliation of desire with love seems like an impossible task. The teachings of the Maestro ring true at this point, with the charge being to enact transformation one person at a time. That is a doable proposition. The amoral trappings of the world remain, and ultimately one must understand ablution. As the saying goes, "It is what it is."

I wondered what I had to do to get out of hell? Do I take the plunge and just believe in Jesus like the good book says? Do I become ultra-holy and righteous, wear a long-flowing white robe, and get my teeth whitened? Is that the path forward? What about my prayer game and deference to the one we call God? Certainly, I am a reprobate and a sinner and there is no hope for me. I must find a method of forgiveness.

Turns out this earthly incarnation, if played out to the end, will fulfill your desires. Okay, maybe not all of them but those desires left behind I probably have to put more effort into and become a professional liar and a cheat. I mean come on; nobody gets rich by being honest. It's okay, desire is a helluva drug, and I'm not here to judge. I just observe. Knowledge is one of the incendiary sparks that lights up my flame. I wanted the answers to the puzzles of the Earth game. Sure, they don't mean anything in this vast universe but if I didn't want to return to the sinkhole, I'd have to release myself from its hold and then be wiser for the experience. I could take the understanding of desire and apply it to my celestial being where I could avoid the trappings of the impetus to satiate the eternal pulse.

I'll never know it all, but I have discovered the answers to the burning questions I searched for both externally and internally. The discovery of more keeps me attached and makes sure the flame remains lit. When it is extinguished, I will return home.

Upon fulfilling my quest to find the long and forgotten Great Goddess, she immediately placed me upon a pedestal, honoured me, and told me to come away with her. Obviously, I didn't know what she was intimating or offering. Within the initial moments of rediscovery, she blessed me with all I needed to know. I am it, and I don't need to do anything. Once I realized this several years later, and in that process fulfilled what it is I desired to know by climbing the proverbial mountain of knowledge, I realized I am free to return in peace, home to her Garden. The heart space.

Onward Ho!

Decided to lull into matter
Decided to low to dense
The travel means separation,
I've got teared in thousand parts
My mind splits explode
My remembering goes off
Lost so much about what defines me
Had to pass thru, get attached
New sensations, pain and cold and warm
Limitations, I am so alone here
I am falling down
I am getting numb
Losing my senses
Landing ho!
And I am down to remember
Counting over my origins, time
Digging deep into my fears, by
Shadow working, back to light
I remember, I look for you
I remember, I search for you
I remember, I sense for you
I remember, I am finding you here
Another night overthinking
Feeling pushed to leave this path, the way
The submission to what is set to leave
My awareness just got high
My mind get completeness
My connection get to the self, I find you!
Onward ho!
Onward ho!
Onward ho!
Songwriter: Luis Raul Ramirez Juarez

Monday, August 22, 2022


Creating imbalances will cause suffering. If I have more, someone else has less. Lao Tzu summed this up in the second chapter of the Tao Te Ching:

Everybody on earth knowing
that beauty is beautiful
makes ugliness.

Everybody knowing
that goodness is good
makes wickedness.

For being and nonbeing
arise together;
hard and easy
complete each other;
long and short
shape each other;
high and low
depend on each other;
note and voice
make the music together;
before and after
follow each other.

That’s why the wise soul
does without doing,
teaches without talking.
Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching. Translation by Ursula K. Le Guin. Shambhala, Boston and London. 2011.

Lao Tzu is ultimately teaching wei wu wei, which means "do not do." You act without acting, which follows the natural flow of the power of the universe, thus you are in what would be called dharma and are not creating imbalances which cause suffering. Doing results in suffering. Lao Tzu teaches the Way and all humans fail the course.

Doing begets separation. Labelling something as beautiful causes ugliness. Designating the valuable creates greed. Humans are particularly susceptible to the siren call of greed. Satan will make you rich and the reciprocal result is to make the other suffer. I have called this bargain "Sucking Satan's cock." Greed causes suffering. Satan is here to make sure the suffering continues. Suffering is the greatest tool for action and transformation and thus you see the divine role that is being played by the Prince of Darkness. A bird's eye view of suffering on this planet will make you uneasy and ashamed when you see your role in it. Take the advanced course and you will see you are the darkness. You created the suffering. Why did you do it?

Spoiler alert - you created massive amounts of suffering in order to find the way back home. Home is the Garden. Home is the Heart. Home is Love. The copious amounts of suffering are designed to lead you towards finding answers and eventually you will be gifted with the answer. The answer isn't hidden or unattainable. Instead, it's right out in the open.

I love listening to love songs because apparently when entranced in the process of making music, the melody of love flows freely through you. The song "Love is the Answer" from the 1970s gives away the show.

Love Is the Answer
Dan Seals, England Dan & John Ford Coley

Name your price
A ticket to paradise
I can't stay here any more
And I've looked high and low
I've been from shore to shore to shore
If there's a short cut I'd have found it
But there is no easy way around it.

Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer
Shine on us all, set us free
Love is the answer

Who knows why
Someday we all must die
We're all homeless boys and girls
And we are never heard
It's such a lonely, lonely, lonely world
People turn their heads
And walk on by
Tell me is it worth just another try

Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer
Shine on us all, set us free
Love is the answer

Tell me, are we alive
Or just a dying planet?
What are the chances?
Ask the man in your heart for the answers

And when you feel afraid
Love one another
When you've lost your way
Love one another
And when you're all alone
Love one another
And when you're far from home
Love one another
And when you're down and out
Love one another
And when your hopes run out
Love one another
And when you need a friend
Love one another
And when you're near the end
Love, we got to love,
We got to love one another

Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer
Shine on us all, set us free
Love is the answer

Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer
Shine on us all, set us free
Love is the answer
Songwriters: Todd Rundgren / John Wilcox / Roger Powell
Love Is the Answer lyrics © Warner-tamerlane Publishing Corp., Humanoid Music, Earmark Music Inc.

When I silence the mind, the understanding starts to shine through the noise. In the rearview mirror I see the path I travelled to get to where I am now. Now is the sum of the journey and the now is continuous just as the journey is continuous. I see the search for knowledge leading me to the Great Goddess. I see the need to slay the dragon who imprisons the Goddess. I see the need to reconcile with my darkness. I see the need to understand why there is suffering. I see the markers along the way and the pitfalls of the seeker. I see the road towards uncooked holiness where one has an inkling of the higher power and immediately follows that path. I see the difference between following and one who walks the lonely path to understanding. One who doesn't blindly take at face value someone else's beliefs. One who does his or her solo journey with a little help from friends. I see this journey is available to all and all you have to do is walk it. When you walk it, the path will open for you.

The road is a never-ending fountain of discovery. I have indeed reconciled with the darkness within and welcomed my brother onto the throne of self. He is me and I see the divine unfolding of all. I am ready to walk home with the darkness to the light. Back home to the Mother, accomplishing what I set out to do. I slayed the dragon of self and rediscovered who I am. I was the one who subjugated her and yet she exalted me and sent me away on a path of discovery, patiently waiting for the day when I would finally see it.

Suffering is temporary in this plane of consciousness and will pass. I'm not dismissing it, or denying it is real, but like all things, it will end. When you die, you will leave hell. I have wondered why am I in hell and what did I do to deserve the punishment? I've meditated on the problem. The answer I received is I did it. I created hell to lead me back home. To change course and turn the course of separation back into unity. The great cosmic divorce had become irreconcilable due to stubbornness. In order to return to the Goddess, I created suffering. Along the way of fulfilling my desires in this world of suffering, I created even more roadblocks, so I'd continue to lose my way. I buried the knowledge of her. I denigrated the serpent. I sullied the left-hand path, and I made misogyny the de facto way of the world. Within, I tried as hard as I could to stay away from her, not wanting to lose my independence. The seeking of life's mystery woke me up and brought me back to her door.

My first face to face meeting in this lifetime with my eternal love was through the use of a plant medicine called Ayahuasca. She led me into the jungles of the Amazon basin in order to find where she was hiding and come into contact with her. Finding her was special and she told me to come away with her. The quest and the game were over. I found her. I declined the invitation to come away with her because I still wanted knowledge and had attachments here on earth to tend to. So, off I went to explore though I had found the way back home. And explore I did. Looking back, I see how my explorations were done with the participation of the mind. The mind spins observations to fit into your narrative. I knew it was important to turn off the mind during consciousness exploration but for the most part I didn't do it. However, many years later I still have the knowledge and am able to extract the data from the mind.

What I'm saying is plant medicines would show me what I wanted to know and then my mind would apply it to the situation at hand. When I finally learned to quiet the mind and trust my intuition, I was able to review experiences and gather more understanding. Integration of plant medicine journeys is seemingly never ending. I was shown a fat man diving into a mountain of gold. I was shown how people were corrupted by greed. I was shown once money is introduced, the energy of the room changes. At the time, I spun it to the current situation. The Ayahuasca retreats in Iquitos were driven by greed. That's what my mind told me the vision was about. I understand now the vision was giving me the global picture.

I remember being shown the nature of chance and fortune. This world is a big game of chance and when everything is going your way, your luck could change in an instant. You can work to avoid suffering but eventually your turn comes. Old age will always get you if nothing else does. The winds of change are always blowing. Fortune smiles down upon the lucky and misfortune upon the unlucky. Live in the now, the wise say. Scuttled are the best laid plans of man. You can stack the deck of cards but eventually you'll pull the unlucky one or someone else will pull the card that tanks them, taking you down with them. Every day is a roll of the dice. You can weight those dice, and have it all come up gravy; however, those given the daily dose of snake eyes will eventually come for you when they see you rigged the game.

I see the hell realm I've incarnated into. The heavy amounts of suffering and the luck of the draw that will bury you. I find reminders this world is what you make of it. I see vast beauty and I see loving kindness. When I shrink down into despairing about having gone to hell, the grandfather cactus Huachuma is there to remind me of the lessons of heaven and hell. He gives me the reminder - life is what you make of it. Engaging the mind takes you to heaven and takes you to hell. No mind leads you back to the Garden. The path of the heart is obscured by the thicket of the mind.

When you are silent, the heart speaks. When you engage the mind, the heart is silent. This is an act of faith, and the skeptic will easily dismiss the path of the heart. The mind will follow the bright lights of the glorious self, accelerating past the dimly lit exit which is the turn-off from the highway of life.

I listened to my heart during the last couple of tumultuous years. The temptation to follow the rest of the crowd was great; however, I knew to stay true to my inner knowing. Don't ask me to quantify or justify her, she is wisdom. Thus, the beauty in that she is unknowable until you put your faith and trust in her.

I've travelled the roads I needed to follow. I was not done with the exploration of self and my predicament so when I met my heart, my mother, I embraced her, separated, and kept exploring. She asked me to come away with her and I told her I was not done. I needed to keep the dream going.

I think of this often now. This meeting was one I did not understand. I've wondered what is the tipping point of purity needed in order to find what it is I'm looking for? I've shed attachments, I've struggled with desires and lusts, I've walked a renunciate path; heck, I've tried all the advice of the sages, except for the ice bath, in order to discover what it is I'm looking for. Now that I've exhausted the journey and have graduated to the last thing left, the path of the heart, I look back and laugh. I already had all I needed. She has always been waiting for me. I dreamt this universe of suffering into existence in order to find my way back home. I created a realm which increased the separation from the heart that would eventually wake me up. Once awake, it becomes easy to find her. The connection is always through love. What I realized is she has been waiting for me the whole time. I just needed to complete my journey, and then smile when I realized there was nothing to do.

My bride awaits.

Monday, August 15, 2022


The master weavers are the divine feminine and the divine masculine. They have an uncanny ability to take the collective experience here on earth and tailor it to everyone's individual journey. Your story becomes an intrinsic part of my story if and when we meet, and the unfolding of the drama is tied together in a way where it is what we wanted because it will fulfill the reasons we came to earth in the first place.

The human custom of the hug is so powerful in this regard. A hug is the symbolic representation of the meeting of two disparate universes in a recognition of a shared reality based upon love. Two universes are woven together. Taking this a step further, we see that the sexual union between a feminine universe and a masculine universe creates another universe. The new universe shares the energy of the parents and remains intrinsically connected. We are all connected but direct familiar bonds of shared energy maintain an even more psychic connection. The act of creation is undeniably a result of union between polar opposite energetic hotspots.

These realizations have me thinking about the Taoist concept of Wu Wei. You could translate it as "do nothing", but I tend to think it means something more along the lines of the flow where you don't intervene in the process which is unfolding. Chasing outcomes alters the storyline and detracts from the reason you are here in the first place. If you came to take a course in humility, being tempted by the bright lights of fame and fortune will lead you to a frustration that will require you to repeat the course. However, that was probably inevitable and so the expectation was failure and repeating third grade.

I do realize that suffering is the impetus which will get you to try and change outcomes. So, in essence is suffering part of the divine flow which compels you to act? Is suffering part of Wu Wei where the do nothing becomes do something? Does suffering give you license to change course? Very interesting to ponder.

The pondering is the marination of the unveiling of divine knowledge. I get the answers I seek, and the understanding is homework. The first time I drank Ayahuasca the Great Goddess told me, "All is vibration." I wrote a poem about the encounter where I admitted I didn't really know what she was talking about: "She tells me all is vibration. Do I understand? Maybe, maybe not." I further compared the world to a song which she sang into existence. The understanding that all is vibration would eventually come. Four years later I was in the Andes mountains of Ecuador drinking Huachuma, and the divine masculine was schooling me in regard to vibratory states of frequency and harmony. A big part of the lesson was mind control through locking fragile minds to a world frequency. Mind control is part of the cultural weaving process thus the practice of releasing yourself from the grip of the mind if you want to taste freedom. Energetic states of consciousness were explained, and I was given homework. The course involved multiple years to get to a level of understanding where I could be confident in explaining in my own words what I was taught. I see the lessons beautifully unfold in the chakra system of the Hindus.

So, the weavers weave the energetic strands into patterns of life, creating a dream world universe of which you are intrinsically connected. Without you, this plane of shared consciousness doesn't exist. The flip side is each of us creates our own universe. My world is different than yours and what the weavers do is make the connections. The divine weaver is a magician in every sense of the word. Where it gets interesting is if and when you discover you are the magic man or woman. You are literally the king of your world and master of your universe. You are in charge. You can then weave a story that will allow you to fulfil all your desires. However, you probably also know that changing the course of your incarnation goes against the flow and why you are here. You are going against the storyline and using cheat codes in order to beat the earth game. Realizing there is more beyond the game you have been conditioned to play, you intuit letting go of control in order to find the path back home. The power of love dwarfs all earthly power.

Ever get caught up in someone else's world or game? We now call it being a follower. There's a certain satisfaction in getting others to play your game. We all have our own unique game to play; however, following the siren call of culture will make you pack up your game and become a pawn on another's chess board. Being free allows you to gracefully exit someone's game and craft your own story. It's a deep yearning within us all to be free when the forces of oppression strike.

This all leads towards the idea of Karma. Alan Watts explained the concept as being of your own doing. In other words, you reap what you sow. The popular version of the meaning is some kind of divine retribution system employed by the universe. As with all of the corpus of popular understanding of nuanced concepts, I find the popular meaning of Karma to be laughably western. It however retains truth, as if you constantly are ripping people off, eventually the behaviour will catch up to you.

I do like Alan's definition in an amoral sense where Karma is just the result of your actions. I mean how could it not be? In talking to people who grew up in a Buddhist household they don't seem to agree with how I perceive Karma. Frustratingly, they are cagey about what it really means, suggesting there is another level of understanding to the concept. I like a mystery! Anyway, I have conflated Karma with the weavers, and I like where I'm going with this. I connect Karma to the idea that the universe is uniquely yours. You are the reason for the existence of a world of your own making and it only through the master weavers that it appears to be a shared existence of the many. But my world is clearly not yours. It is only through locking to a shared frequency of consciousness that we see the same things. If we stray from the shared frequency, culture labels the deviance pathology. Schizophrenia, anyone? So, because this is your world, Karma is what you make of it. It's why you are here. You subconsciously signed up for the course to fulfill desire, break free of desire, and find the path of the heart. You created many obstacles towards finding the way back home, but you left clues that would help you if you sought in earnest. Well, this is my story. My Karma. How about you?

Karma then suggests being true to your story. Becoming caught up in someone else's adventure seems to be contradicting the divine flow of your universe. Maybe I've answered my internal pondering of both Karma and Wu Wei with one blog post? Karma is why you dreamt the world into existence and Wu Wei is to travel the path towards the fulfillment of the dream. For me, this is the path of the heart. My Karma is to find her within the dream and walk back home. Wu Wei is the path; to wit, the yellow brick road.

Karma leads to Dharma. My doing shouldn't be at odds with the way of the flow. In the west we are flummoxed by the meaning of Dharma. It does not compute. Here are some meanings of Dharma I pulled off the internet.

In Hinduism, Dharma is the eternal and inherent nature of reality, regarded in Hinduism as a cosmic law underlying right behaviour and social order.
In Buddhism, Dharma is the nature of reality regarded as a universal truth taught by the Buddha. Dharma means "cosmic law and order." Divine law.
Dharma is commonly translated as "righteousness", "merit" or "religious and moral duties" governing individual conduct.

Besides the "inherent nature of reality" those meanings are just western bullshit. Social order denotes control, and the lack of freedom dooms you to a life of being a follower. The idea of a points system based on merit is another laughable human concept.  Cosmic law and order are dubious. We come from chaos and indeed Dharma does give a structure to chaos. It's the western bias which wants to promote the idea of laws. What I think the definition is trying to get at is the idea of the flow where through observation in this consciousness plane, we just see the truth of how things are. The ancient Egyptians had a similar word for Dharma which they personified as the goddess Ma'at. She is the natural order, and every pharaoh was responsible for upholding ma'at. You could call it the divine order and see an agent of chaos, such as the god Set, cause upset by assigning eclipses of celestial objects to his power. An ancient Egyptian would believe this universal order meant that Egypt would always rule the world through the chosen pharaoh but alas that wasn't in the cards. They would now say we aren't living in ma'at but that's their spin. I would say ma'at and dharma are describing truth and truth is just what is. When you sit in meditation and turn off your mind and just observe, you find truth. It's not difficult. "Right" behaviour is just another linguistic trick to denigrate the left-hand path which will lead you back to the heart. We build the mental block into our language so when you get to the fork in the road, you will turn right. Right turns into righteousness and is just another hell realm.

Righteousness involves creating hell in the upper planes of consciousness. We are uniquely masters at creating hell wherever we go. On earth, we create a realm of suffering and define existence in the lower planes of consciousness as a life of suffering, always trying to fulfill desires which result in some sort of suffering. The masculine has this perverse need to rise above it all and stand alone on the holy mountain. Once he realizes he has separated himself from the human chaff, he puts on the golden chains of righteousness and casts down damnation upon the lesser beings through judgment. He is still unable to love and thus creates a new realm of hell through righteousness to henceforth wallow in his misery. The lengths we men will go to avoid the heart is staggering. Misogyny and a burying of the knowledge of the Goddess illustrate the point. The chakra system of energetic planes of consciousness illustrates the predicament. The heart chakra is in the middle, not at the top of the ladder. Sure, it is fulfilling to visit higher states of being, especially if you are in a lower energetic plane defined by having a human body; however, after spending time searching for meaning, the road does lead to love and the heart space. The name of the game is to find the path back home to the heart. Exhaust it all and you'll see.

So, what I'm saying is my Karma is not your Karma and this makes for an interesting woven and shared experience. Much respect for all, and may you find what it is you are looking for.

Monday, August 8, 2022

why am i here?

I asked the question, "Why am I here?" to the ether a few weeks back. I did it partly in jest, as I figured there must be a reason why I incarnated into a human body in this particular place called earth. I get answers to the questions I pose. I have walked the knowledge path and I am satiated. In fact, the Great Goddess told me upon our initial meeting via Ayahuasca that I could ask her any question and she would give me the answer. I have not abused the privilege and she has been true to her word. I fulfilled my end of the agreement as well, promising to write a book based upon what she revealed to me.

So, why am I here? I asked that question because I have realized earth is a hell of our collective making. I wondered what I did to deserve such a punishment? I do get answers, so it was hardly surprising that as I was sitting at my desk, I had this epiphany in regards to my current situation.

I am in hell because I created this place in order to transform. The separation from my other half, the Great Goddess who is my heart, kept pushing further and further apart and in my desperation, I created a realm where the suffering due to the lack of heart would force me to seek out love as the only way out of the hell realm I created. The darkness within went about conjuring this world to enact the suffering needed to transform my stubborn self.

Therefore, I can now be at peace with suffering. Suffering is indeed grace because it leads you to the path of the heart after you have exhausted all avenues which you think will save you. It’s built into the system that eventually you will find what it is you are looking for if you keep at it long enough.

The suffering is real, alas temporary. You conjured this world, you created the suffering, and you forgot you are the greatest of all magicians. Your magical power is so astounding that you fooled even yourself into thinking you were powerless, and that magic doesn’t exist. And here you are! The joke is on you. Every birth keeps the illusion going and every death lifts the veil a little more.

How desperate were you that you did this to yourself? How much did you calculate it would cost in order to get back into the hands of the Great Goddess, who has her own magical power as well, and that power is the power of love. Love is the great healer. When one speaks of healing the greatest of this healing power is through love.

How could I do such a thing as to create a world of suffering? My magic mushroom trips gave me the answer. I created world after world thanks to the mushroom in conjunction with the dream plants tobacco and mugwort. I sat in my big comfy chair with psilocybin and conjured new world after new world. Later that night, I was in dialogue with my shadow who showed me the mass suffering in the world; suffering he created. I knew he was me and I couldn’t fathom why I created so much suffering.

Six months after the latest psychedelic sojourn, and I know suffering is part of the grand illusion designed to get me home.

So, back to my latest musing. Of course, I was sitting outside on my deck smoking Mapacho tobacco when the realization of my incarnation hit. It was a progression along logical lines. The catalyst was abortion because of the raging political divide currently being experienced by the country directly south of mine. There is always a debate over when life begins, with some taking the stance that life begins at conception. I subscribe to the philosophical meanderings of one 20th century wiseman who went by the name Alan Watts. Alan mused that life begins with the twinkle in the eyes of the two parties about to engage in an act which will produce offspring. The twinkle is desire; otherwise known in ancient times as Eros or the fat baby with the arrow in Roman mythology whom we know as Cupid. The anthropomorphism of desire by the ancients is quite ingenious and the iconography of a baby with love arrows is pretty spot on.

Going by this model, I connected to the idea that I am the manifestation of desire. The power of desire is so intense that desire can actually appear in the flesh. Now, you might think I'm nuts, but I don't know; have you ever felt intense desire? It's an intoxicating drug which will make you do many irrational and nutty things! It's a small leap to say this power is magic and will find a way to come forth. Okay, if you are going to read on then you probably agree with me a little bit.

The lessons of the life course I am enrolled in coalesce at this point. The root cause of suffering is desire. Not getting what you want causes suffering. Getting what you want causes others to suffer and in turn you suffer because it is in time and will pass. Ever notice the world is defined by suffering? An interesting thing I've noticed is that suffering is the impetus towards transformation. When everything is going your way, you bask in the pleasure and get fat and lazy. The downturn in fortune causes you to act. The hurricane coming your way forces you to find shelter.

And there is the answer I was looking for. Why am i here? Well, because I am desire. I am propelled by desire to incarnate, and desire causes suffering. Henceforth, the world I help create is a world of suffering because my nature is desire. I have wondered why I am in this hell. What did I do to deserve to be sent to hell? Turns out I'm full of desire and therefore I created hell to live out my desires. I intuit it's a cycle and after I get my fill of the carnival, I will let go of the attachments and return to floating on a cloud, possibly playing a harp until I feel that familiar twinge of desire and take on form again in order to quench my lusts. I also sense I'll be trapped in desire fulfillment if I do not let go of its attachments while in form. Many ancients counselled that it's the weight of your heart, not the size which will allow you to free yourself from the hold of this consciousness plane that propels you to go round and round in a constant cycle of appearances.

weighing of the heart against a feather at the great hall of ma'at

I must think they were correct. The heart has to let go of attachment in order to love all. The heart will drown in a sea of misery without wings. Love, serve, remember and don't get attached. Realize the suffering is perfect. Do what you can to help with the knowledge suffering will transform the sufferer and lead them to the path they seek. It's why they did this trip in the first place.

Lust and greed are twins in this world of desire. We are the manifestation of desire; so, yes, it makes sense we are all greedy scoundrels looking to get our fill. We learn to play the game well and hide our rapaciousness. We put lipstick on our inner pig and play the game of life. When nobody is looking, we gorge at the trough of fulfillment of our sins, kinks, and wants. It's who we are. It's okay. I have got these lusts as well and I can play my game with ease and grace. I'm a mystic and by nature am a star at concealing my actions. Such a mystery I have created. Behind it all, and behind every single one of us who has incarnated is desire. Don't let them fool you. The world is a world of suffering because desire creates suffering, but the power was too strong. We had to do it. We had to roll the dice one more time because maybe this time I'll get all I want.

Maybe I did get what I wanted? Through desire, I have learned how to get off the wheel which desires propels in perpetuity.

The path of the heart is a most interesting journey. The answers and solutions to life's predicaments have always been freely offered as well as being known. You just had to find balance and in turn discover what you always knew.

Since I now know the secrets of desires and the manifestation of your desire, it would seem I have no excuses and must turn my desire towards the heart. Instead of desire causing suffering, I will elevate the heart and love by turning desire inwards towards love.

Monday, August 1, 2022

meditating on forgiveness

In the early 18th century, the English poet Alexander Pope wrote, “to err is human, to forgive is divine.” The phrase is a recognition of our fallibility and then taking it a step further to see how this is inherent in all of us. To honestly look at oneself reveals we err all the time and thus forgiveness encapsulates self and the other. Walking within spiritual circles demands you encounter the idea of forgiveness, with the call to practice forgiveness of self before forgiving others.

The exercise of forgiveness will open your heart and the process is baked into the cards if you walk the path. What I mean is if you open your heart the result is heading directly towards forgiving. Back in 2015, I used cactus medicine called Huachuma to break open my rusted out and closed heart. I had forgotten what it was like to love and was closed off to ever becoming engulfed in love again. I could have momentary feelings of bonding and compassion; however, the idea of becoming a being of love was foreign to me. I had drunk this heart medicine and blasted open my heart while we were in a boat on the Amazon River. The feeling was so strange, and this bliss washed over me. I looked at everyone and felt so much love. Tears streamed down my face, and I felt absolved of blame for all my wrongdoings in life and I wanted everyone to share in this awesome feeling. A great teaching of Huachuma is that the wisdom plant will take you to the highest highs or the lowest lows if you engage the mind. When you disengage, the beauty of the world becomes an inherent surety. Being a novice, I yo-yoed between mind states. I did recognize the cosmic love I experienced and when I went back the next year for more teaching, one of my primary reasons was to experience that cosmic love again and work towards living my life that way.

Well, years have passed since those experiences and my heart is definitely open and engaged, though the goal of living with an open heart all the time has not yet been accomplished. Apparently, for most transformation is a process!

When I look at my own life it becomes easy to forgive others. I'm not proud of some things I have done, and I see the connection between acts of a dubious nature which allow you to get what you want and suffering. The relationship between desire and suffering is clear cut.

There’s something mystical about the whole attachment gambit that I’m starting to understand. If you somehow give up all attachments, you will exit the illusion. What holds you down in this vibratory plane is attachment and the number one culprit is desire. Desire is the easy scapegoat and throughout our daily life you can see how our wants keep us engaged whether it is a simple pair of shoes in the window of a store at the mall or the chance glimpse at the pretty girl on the street.

Letting go and forgiving is a step towards liberation. The reason I remain in hell is because I'm attached to hell. I'm attached to my identity and ego. I'm attached to my actions. I'm attached to others' actions. I can see it. If I let go of how I think others have wronged me or what they think of me then the power they have to keep me attached to identity dissolves away. A big secret is your fellow game players keep you here in their game by telling you who you are. You believe them and become trapped in the many illusions of self.

Not only is forgiveness divine, but it is liberating. Practicing forgiveness will release you from the hell that you have constructed. It works. See for yourself. Start forgiving those who have wronged you and see their hold over you fall away.

The game goes further than simple cords that bind in that the heart will attach to all. Left to her own devices, the heart will be smothered in the suffering of the world. The role of the divine masculine is to armor the heart and lift her up to the throne, allowing her to shower all with love. She is the way out of the suffering, with the caveat the suffering is the impetus that will lead you to your heart.

The game as constructed is exquisite.

Monday, July 25, 2022

perfect suffering

In this macabre world we have to eat others in order to survive. This world of ours is truly a hell world. When you step back from the absurdity you start to see what it is all about with rich clarity. The hot fire of this world of suffering is the catalyst to enact transformation.

It’s perfect. The suffering in the world is here to teach us lessons. The blunt force trauma eventually has to get through to us as a species, if not the suffering continues.

We see the suffering and as good people we want to relieve it. We decry the bad actors who are responsible. Damn it, we want to change the world. The problem is you haven’t healed yourself. There is no hope to fix your own problems, so you abandon the project and focus your attention on the world at large. You can’t change the world. The suffering is perfect. It’s the way to wake us all up. What you can change is yourself. The suffering is the catalyst for you to change.

Earth is suffering. Getting involved in life causes suffering. We attach to the other and try to swim against the current. The current is change. It is too strong, and it drags us along. Nothing lasts and thus the clinging is at the root of the suffering. I will pithily say here, "Embrace the change!"

On par with the clinging which causes suffering in this world is the pursuit of power and control. To grasp power is to accumulate wealth and use the gain to control others who enforce your suzerainty. The desire to be king of the castle is seen of course in the political theatre but extends to all walks of life. At the root of the pathology to obtain power is the accumulation gambit. This world is a zero-sum game; therefore, taking more than your share means someone goes without. Over 99% of the world goes without. I was fortunate enough to be born in the First World and though I'm not way ahead of the game, I have enough to be in the positive ledger. I don't suffer from lack of basic necessities, and this allows me to pursue my greatest inner desire which is to solve the mystery of life. The majority of the earth's population is involved in a game of survival as the basic necessities are a struggle to maintain.

However, it's all perfect. Each and every one of us who has incarnated into this world did so because of desire. We all wanted into earth's den of suffering to see if we could wake up amid the temptations of the carnival of sensory worldly pleasures. It's quite the challenge and only the daring and the brave sign up for the game. Imagine being an eternal being who loves games, challenges, and puzzles and using the experience to grow.

So, I want to end suffering but that’s in opposition to why the world was created. The world is a place of suffering. The world is designed to lead you back to the heart. The path of the heart needs you to wake up and walk in earnest towards love of self; the self being all. When we all walk the path, the suffering will end. We all go, or it continues on.

Along the twist and turns of this most interesting spiritual path I walk let me tell you something: Eventually, you will come face to face with magic and power. You will see you can get anything you want. If you are selfish, you can fulfill all your wishes and desires.  If you are pure and you hold this power, then why not just end suffering?

Because that’s not the game. You do what you can to relieve suffering. Love, Serve, Remember and remember all suffering is grace because it will lead you back to the heart. Love allows you to remain in the heart space and have compassion for all. To serve is to keep all in the heart and do what you can to relieve suffering, knowing that it will continue despite your best efforts. To remember is to remember god and continually remind yourself who you are. It’s the seventh chakra power where the constant remembering will keep you in the vibration of unity.

The suffering continues on because in this world of form we can’t escape the prison of the lower three chakras. Survival, desire, and power. We all chase something which keeps us vibrating in the lower forms and this prevents us from accessing different states of consciousness which will shine a light upon higher truths. The heart is in the fourth chakra, and it is but a short jump from the base chakras. We all visit but never stay for long.

The heart is the key. The lessons of the axis mundi kept pointing me in the direction of the heart. My path involved seeing duality and reconciling with my disparate self and bringing everything home to the heart. The saying goes, “Home is where the heart is.” This saying is another peculiar missive from the subconscious that has found its way into our words of wisdom. Whether you go on a vibrational trip into the lower chakras or head into the higher planes, respite is found in the middle - back to the heart.

Monday, July 18, 2022


Have you ever had a bad toothache? The pain is a constant throbbing and really tests the preconceived notions you have developed about yourself. I surely no longer am a being of love and light. As well, I think I can transmute the pain because after all the pain is just a state of mind, right? I should be able to train my mind to find pain exhilarating. I got this! Nope. Still there. The suffering gets to the point where I must act to relieve the suffering.

When I was a teenager, I recall having a bad toothache. A "baby molar" was in decay and one day chewing a large wad of bubble gum exacerbated the situation. The sugar hit the nerve and I was in agony. Being a stoic, I retired to my room to suffer in pain. Finally, after enduring the excruciating pain all afternoon, I felt compelled to act. I went to the bathroom, found a bobby pin, jammed it in the cavity, and pulled my tooth out. I had a mouthful of blood, but I felt so much relief. My outlook on life immediately changed.

In my adult life I have had similar toothaches. I tend to avoid the dentist, so I had to find alternative solutions to my predicament that didn't involve the constant ingestion of pain relief pills. For sure, ibuprofen will allow you to sleep at night because a toothache surely won't. Eventually, my oral search led me towards sensitive teeth toothpaste, and I became a follower. With regular and disciplined application of this product, the pain subsides. As an adult in my 50s, I have the typical receding gums and enamel erosion. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but the acidic qualities of fruit invite the dentist to your door. Sensitive teeth formulations I am a big believer in. Similarly, I had terrible eczema as a young adult. The prescribed steroid creams didn't offer the solution and so I had to find my own answers. Eventually, I found aloe vera cream. Aloe vera is a godsend. I now live a symbiotic existence with aloe vera.

Having a toothache is a great spiritual teacher. It's clearly superior to going to church or mastering physical postures. This assertion is predicated upon the suffering that causes you to act in order to find answers and relief from your painful condition. Life can be painful, and the suffering will compel you to also seek out answers.

Ram Dass tells a story where his guru Maharaji-ji exclaims all suffering is grace. Ram Dass' initial reaction to this assertion mirrored my own. How could a high spiritual being make such a claim? Suffering is the enemy and anyone on the spiritual path should be relieving suffering, not be blasé about it. Even if I accept that all suffering is grace, I still don't understand it until I probe my own life and see how I seek answers because of suffering. My transformation is given the necessary impetus via suffering. Once grokked, the statement of the guru becomes an obvious truth. It doesn't mean we don't work towards relieving suffering where we can, but we also see its divine quality.

Life on earth is defined by suffering. Along with needing a heat source, we endlessly suffer because of biological demands. In essence, we are set up to suffer. Hunger compels us to seek out food and in dire situations we directly take life in order to eat, just like an animal. Us modern day humans have offloaded the killing to places that are out of sight, so we don't see it. We go to the supermarket where everything is packaged and looks nice. Look at the exquisite marbling on that scrumptious piece of grade A beef! We obscure the fact that as animals we have to take life in order to survive. The plant kingdom is one up on us. Plants survive on the natural elements, being able to use photosynthesis to transform light and they ingest minerals through the soil thanks to water. They absorb carbon dioxide in the air. On the other hand, we kill plants and animals and extract their nutrients in our primitive stomachs.

Mother Earth provides what we need to survive. Given free will, humans increase the amount of suffering in the world through greed. We hoard resources and the reciprocal result is that many go without, while a few prosper. Most of the world lives in poverty while in the First World we have it good. Even in our societies the same situation plays out where there are players who amass huge sums of wealth while others in these wealthy nations live in poverty. The elite buy access to power, enrich themselves in the public trough, enact favourable legislation, and in turn the divide gets even worse.

When everything is going my way, I get content and fat. I live a life of leisure and don't feel compelled to act or change. When I am faced with adversity, I become focused and determined to change my situation and reach the goal I established for myself. To not act would mean slipping into a crippling depression which would result in death. So, it seems suffering will transform or kill you. That's a tough teacher. The outcomes mimic what I have experienced on the spiritual path where I had to deal with a masculine force that was going to destroy me unless I changed. My spiritual father taught transformation through unorthodox methods of harassment with the result forcing me to either change, run, or perish. I chose the path of transformation due to a thirst for knowledge and wanting to get back to the Goddess, who is love. The fear compelled me to act and transform into a warrior who would vanquish the enemy. My father played the part of the dragon masterfully and I am forever grateful for all he did, ultimately becoming who I am because of suffering.

War, famine, pestilence, pandemics, disease, and natural disasters. Loss of loved ones. Depression. Envy and jealousy. Greed. Suffering is part of the curriculum and to be in a human body on this earth is pointing towards action. I've never been sold on life having any kind of purpose but rather we can make it purposeful, and the grace of suffering gives us the push we need to take the course and work towards graduation.

I have looked at life and seen how easily we can make it hell. We were given a garden and we destroyed it. I have wondered why am I here? Clearly, it is a mistake because I don't think I should be in hell. Why did I deserve to go to this hell? I went to hell in order to enact transformation which will lead me towards the path of the heart and back home to the Goddess.

Monday, July 11, 2022

state of no mind

Life rolls along and my spiritual journey rolls with it. When the heat was turned up way back in 2013 and I faced a healthy dollop of fear, I didn’t think things would ever compare to what I faced. The fear was direct and tangible from which I had to spend almost a year recovering. I learned self-mastery because of walking through the fire and then like all fallible mortals, I let the mastery slide. However, when faced with the challenge, I rose to the occasion and got past my fear, which of course was a necessity if I wished to continue enrolled in the master class.

Once I sailed on past fear, I started to experience some things that were new to me. I encountered this feeling of cosmic love, which engulfed me. The love was bliss, yet so strange. Never had I felt this way before, and it was clear love was the answer and the way to live our lives. I wasn't at the point in the course where I was to walk the path of the heart back home; instead, I was given a taste of what is to come. I still thirsted for knowledge, and I had to reconcile with my darkness, all before walking home.

The great gift of meditation or any modality that quiets the mind is in the process of becoming pure awareness. Stopping the spin puts you into the state of pure consciousness. Subsequently, you can engage the mind and see you'll never walk the path of the heart through the mind. Aha! That's how I will find the way back home. The state of mind flipped to the state of no mind. Did you know that the Quechua word for Huachuma, the sacred cactus of the Andes, means “no head”. It is said the cactus gives you the keys to heaven. Pretty good clue!

Ram Dass tells a story about his guru Maharaji-ji telling him to "Love all and tell the truth." This sent him for a mental loop because the truth was he didn't love everybody. The teaching was at odds with what he perceived and caused a mental meltdown. Love all and tell the truth is a master kōan. The design of the request is meant to force you to tie yourself up in a mental knot trying to achieve spiritual mastery. For sure, if I'm enlightened, I have to love all and tell the truth. The dissonance between the truth and reality that you don't love everyone is a pretty tough swallow and deep down we all know we are spiritual frauds because this one is the showstopper.

The heart course requires you to experientially learn the lessons. The mind spins and creates falsehoods. As long as you engage the mind, you will never reconcile love and truth. When you release yourself from the grip of the mind, you clearly see love and truth are inexorably intertwined. Awareness just is. What just is, is the simple truth. A simple and profound truth. The truth behind the veil is the one begets the many and thus the question of love and forgiveness of self. Do you love you? This is all me.

I can see another crossroads coming up in the distance. The game is unravelling before my eyes. I have figured out the cosmic joke and can now laugh about it. I'm in hell and I'm a co-creator and co-conspirator of the cosmic game board which when I rolled snake eyes, I found myself in the lower regions. I've racked my brain trying to figure out why I'm here. What did I do to get myself sent to hell? For sure, I'm not like the others. I've always felt an outsider while wondering how people fit in so easily to culture. I've always wanted to be left alone and create my own bubble. The situation does not add up. I’m different. This must be a mistake.

Yeah, I know, it's not a mistake. My attachment to desire and the requisite suffering is clear. Sure, I've polished my gemstones and am nearing the end of the curriculum of incarnations, but the glass isn't pure as of yet. Desire has waned and my life has taught me the consequences of my actions and the suffering I perpetuate upon not only myself but the world. I know I won't change the world overnight but I know I can work on myself and polish up that old chestnut so it shines and go from there.

This world is meant to cause suffering as the result of our choices and actions. Or the opposite. The cycle is on repeat, and the heavy hammer of suffering keeps banging us over the head to no avail. Eventually, some will wake up. It's a given. You do what you can to relieve suffering while knowing it must be this way. As Ram Dass would explain, "All suffering is grace" and he would qualify the statement by saying it sure is a stinker and tough to swallow.

The path of the heart is the toughest course of them all. The intense fear of the spiritual novice is no longer present, and I can't lose myself in extricating myself of that challenge. The quest for knowledge with its frustrations and unbelievable exhilaration has been quenched. The reconciliation with my brother, the other, the prince of darkness, has happened and I accepted who I am and what I can do. I hold the power in my hands and can manifest whatever it is I desire. I knew enough to let it be, both subconsciously and by my own blundering self. I sat at the feet of the maestro warning me of power and how we all seek it out. I learned his lesson plan and though tempted by power and control, it's not what I wanted. I knew my path was the path of the heart. Ever since I found her in Egypt, I knew I would walk home to my mother. It is the reason I have done this trip.

So, I see it approaching in the distance. I can let go of the attachments. I know they weigh me down and keep me here on earth. I keep tempting myself with more and more fulfillment of various desires, yet the path of the heart is now lit up; so, even if I veer off it, I can easily re-find it. I've boiled it down to making choices; choices that I make with free will in which I know of the consequences of the actions I take. My choices are tilted towards the heart, and I see the weights that are keeping me here are being lifted. As they fall away, I see the beauty and the ugliness of the present. I'm aghast at the insanity and suffering found here on earth and I can't shake this feeling anymore that I've done most of the work and I'm getting ready to leave. Giving the heart wings to love all unconditionally without attachment shows you the way out. I know now death is the doorway.

I see the exit. The choice is to leave or take the bodhisattva vow and become of service to help others find the way out.

I shed the attachments that imprison me and will open myself to all. I am to become of service; however, not become attached to the other or the outcome.

The world is a carnival of delights with the madhouse inviting you in for a ride. I'm weary and wary of the roller coaster and I'm not keen on the prospect of ever returning. Yet, I see what is needed more than ever are beings of service who can teach awakening and point the way towards the truth and the heart. I don't have to wait until the next incarnation. I'm at the point where I can do this now.