Monday, May 16, 2022

divine feminine teacher

When you are born, you are tied to the mother through the umbilical cord. Once the cord is cut, you are free in this world. Immediately, you are measured and named. Identity takes away momentary freedom.

We spend our lives searching, not knowing what we are searching for. Here's a clue: A return to the freedom glimpsed in the chaos of birth. Where will that freedom lead us to? Simple. Back to the mother. Back to our heart.

Walking the path of the heart involves recognizing our polar extremes and how we bring the world to life through the opposites. Objectification of the other allows for duality which creates the many. Celebrating diversity and bringing all back to one imbued by love is the eternal game of the universe. It is the reason why we are here and why we created the universe. We find our greatest bliss when we let go of differences and come together. We find the greatest suffering when we are apart and treat all as the other.

The path back home leads to the heart.

I know the next course in my spiritual education has started. I was in the woods yesterday and my dog started barking. I couldn’t see anything, so I walked a bit through the clearing. I saw in the distance a woman sitting on a log. I thought I recognized her and wondered where her dog was? I navigated through the brush into the clearing and walked towards her at the place I like to call “Witch’s Cove”, named after a couple of women who held ceremony at the place back in 2015 in which they lit a fire and burned their bras and panties. I’ve kept the area up as a shrine of sorts to the Great Goddess; always being respectful of the place. I burn incense and make tobacco offerings. The woman I had seen in the distance had vanished. I wondered if it was a mirage. I remembered back to when I saw the dancing light in the winter of 2016 that came from this same area. What I’m trying to explain is there’s magic in this area of the forest and the Goddess has let me know she is teaching this semester.

This ties in with the new lesson plan which has begun because the path of the heart is the Goddess' intensive teachings. My heart is my mother, and she is welcoming me to walk the path of the heart. My heart has physically hurt over the past few days. I know something’s up. The classroom of life keeps getting more difficult and I know in a way this doesn’t make sense. Loving all should be easy and instead it’s the most difficult thing to do. I know, I’ve tried, and for some reason it is the hardest thing to put into practice. So far in this curriculum of awakening I’ve faced great fear. I have shown courage, bravery, perseverance, and fortitude. I’ve understood the lessons. I’ve explored my darkness. I’ve stopped objectifying my capacity for evil as the other while embracing only my higher self. I’ve gone into the mystery and have been bequeathed all the answers I desired. I know the last path to walk is the path of the heart and to take my polar extremes and reconcile all into the centre, into the heart space as defined by the symbol of the axis mundi.

I can put two and two together when given some time. I was listening to a Ram Dass lecture where he was discussing something profound which I had heard before but did not understand what he was talking about. He was relating a story where the Buddhist teacher Trungpa Rinpoche had told him he must take responsibility for his incarnation. Ram Dass protested and said it’s all God’s will. Well, who’s God? Anyway, Ram Dass went on in the lecture to explain two ways of looking at your incarnation. Basically, life can happen to you, or life can happen for you. When you play it small in the game of personality and ego you go through life reacting to the gains and misfortune that come your way, trying to construct a worthy character to be successful in the game of life. The other way of looking at life is to realize your essence, whether you want to call it soul or whatever you choose, has created the world and the curriculum you now find yourself navigating. Everything is happening for you in order to wake you up and get you to follow the path of the heart because this is what you wanted. You are the eternal and exquisite divine being made of love and light. All the suffering in this world is because you made it this way. The suffering is from the depths of a love so deep enacted to forge transformation in the fires of this hell. Suffering is the greatest tool for awakening and transformation that we have.

“Your conflicts, all the difficult things, the problematic situations in your life are not chance or haphazard. They are actually yours. They are specifically yours, designed specifically for you by a part of you that loves you more than anything else. The part of you that loves you more than anything else has created roadblocks to lead you to yourself. You are not going in the right direction unless there is something pricking you in the side, telling you, “Look here! This way!” That part of you loves you so much that it doesn’t want you to lose the chance. It will go to extreme measures to wake you up; it will make you suffer greatly if you don’t listen. What else can it do? That is its purpose.”
― A.H. Almaas

I’ve realized over the last year that I hold the power in my hands and can manifest a world of my desire and choosing. If I wanted it all and to fulfill all my carnal desires, I can do it. I’ve tempted myself and let it slide. I know why I have dreamt this universe into existence and it’s not to fulfill a desire for power. I have the cheat codes to life. If I wanted, I could rig the game. It’s not what I want. I want free will and to walk through the fires of transformation so that when faced with vast suffering I choose love and walk the path of the heart back home.

This world is Hell. It's a collective accomplishment where we as a species can make it Heaven or Hell and we choose Hell. When you die, you don’t go to Hell, you leave Hell. Nobody sees this; well, at least not in my privileged part of the world. The pain and suffering in the world are immense. The temptations and suffering caused by the chasing of desire and power creates the hellscape where we don’t share with our sisters and brothers. In order to have more and get our fill someone else gets less.

I’m the magician who created the universe. I bring this all to life. I destroy it all. I take the rewards of my game and live out my fantasies knowing full well this a zero-sum game and if I prosper someone else is suffering. If one of my avatars takes it all then there is mass suffering.

I will never know all the answers. I'm a knowledge junkie and a great deal of the impetus behind my spiritual path has been an intense desire to know. I wanted to figure it all out. Some of us are content with the puzzles and games we have on earth, which satisfy the intellectual pursuits and curiosities which get my type out of bed in the morning. I have realized this design is the way it has to be. In other words, the absolute truth and confirmation of this existence must remain a mystery that is open to speculation. My speculation can come close to touching and solving the mystery. The universe may smile back at me but then there is a wink reminding me of the agreement that says you'll never know just like you don't know what's beyond the veil until you drop the body that restrains you from finding out in this lifetime. There are certain chemicals that when ingested may give you a peek; however, the understanding of what you experience and how you want to spin it is totally up to you.

The Goddess knew of my heart and desire to walk the path from the start and encouraged me to follow my path of awakening. She knew I would try and destroy myself before figuring out the mystery. Well, here I am. I walked the path and discovered all I was seeking. I started exploring the psychological darkness within and flipped my understanding of who I am.

The great maestro don Howard was fond of saying, "You don't find Heaven, you realize it." The path of the heart will lead you home back to the primordial Garden of Eden. Heaven. Home is where the heart is and it is a magical place which is realized, not a physical journey. Like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, all you must do is click your heels three times in earnest and you will return.

There's no place like home.

Monday, May 9, 2022

mother's day

Knowledge combined with clarity is a hallmark of establishing a relationship with tobacco. The latest download occurred on a sunny spring day as I was out in the woods smoking while sitting on a log. I noticed a tree which had fallen years ago and was now completing the rotting phase and becoming more ground fodder. Any trace of the life force energy had left the husk and the log was disintegrating. I stared at the wonder of this process for a while and then started to process the knowledge by applying it to the masculine energetic life force and my own body.

What struck me was the overwhelming evidence of a purification process. The process of the husk of the log falling away into dirt as the energy vacated the form seemed to be revealing a process of energetic purification in this world of form. The earth is a special place in the universe, one of the pit stops on the circuit for energy to become trapped; dare I say imprisoned. The cyclical forces and gravitational pull enacted by the unifying magnetic pull of feminine desire uses the masculine life force against himself by creating the maelstrom of pull which entraps the energy in form. The subsequent striving to be free then creates the natural state where the biological form will eventually fall apart and release the life force in due time. The remnant of form is the dross which falls away after the process of purification. The remaining putrefaction of the life form is recycled to create the habitation for subsequent journeys into the realm of form. The imprisonment into form of the life force is a cleansing process which is burning away desires and leading to a pure and holy state. The ancient meaning of purity is more in line with the state of stillness and clarity as opposed to the definition of morality we have attached to the word.

The ancient semitic word qodesh is the name given to this state of masculine purity.  Strong's Concordance reveals the following meaning:

Strong's #6944: qodesh (pronounced ko'-desh)
from 6942; a sacred place or thing; rarely abstract, sanctity:--consecrated (thing), dedicated (thing), hallowed (thing), holiness, (most) holy (day, portion, thing), saint, sanctuary.

The concept is describing the sacred; a state of purity or a sanctuary which would house the holy. The act of qodesh is to clean and purify. The related derivative Qudshu is the appellation for the Canaanite goddesses Asherah and Athirat and such a goddess is found in the annals of dynastic ancient Egypt. She has a striking appearance that is similar to the ancient Egyptian Great Goddess Hathor. Academic disciplines uncover the knowledge of the goddess and the sacred; however, it is up to the individual who walks the path of the heart to find the true meaning of the concept of qodesh.

The rotted-out tree log on the floor of the forest points me towards the esoteric meaning of purity. The Great Goddess creates the form, and this form is our body which is a holy sanctuary. The sacred vessel receives the masculine spirit thus enlivening the form. Becoming consecrated with the holy form of the Goddess is the most sacred act one can perform. Through this process of successive incarnations, the spirit becomes purified and can indeed walk the path of the heart, the holy path of the Great Goddess.

As I have previously written about, the exalted city of Jerusalem is this veiled Goddess and represents the purity of the heart found in the Garden of Eden. The most common Arabic name for Jerusalem is al-Quds, referring to the most sacred of temples. Humanity sullies the city and makes it unclean, thus rousing the anger of Yahweh who successively destroys the city throughout history in a cleansing fire of purification. Within each of us is the ability to return to the Garden of Eden; a magical place only accessed through the heart. It is hidden and to find the path takes much faith in the power of love.

Successive incarnations into the hot fire of mortality burns away the dross and purifies us to the holy state which will allow us to see the path of the heart and set out on the journey back home. The transformed hero has become a warrior at the hands of his demanding father and returns to the loving arms of his heart. My heart is my mother.

Monday, May 2, 2022

final exam

I was taught that within I house Jesus and also Satan. I was taught who I think I am is a concept. I'm an actor so involved in playing my part, I forgot who I am.

I enrolled in the consciousness course about a decade ago and like most good teachings, you are given a little bit of knowledge at a time. From the knowledge, comes understanding, and once you gain that level of mastery of the subject you can move forward in the course with confidence. Too much knowledge at once will just further confuse the student. I've had glimpses of advanced knowledge I did not understand which in turn would lead to conclusions which were destined to change. My blog space here is a testament to that assertion in that I would get ahead of myself instead of letting everything unfold in due time. This is part of everyone's process and it is important to acknowledge that your beliefs will change a thousand times as you accumulate knowledge and understanding. Remaining open to change is among the most important of attributes to carry with you on the educational journey.

What I find fascinating is the beginner lessons of a decade ago laid the groundwork for the advanced teachings of the present. If I was given the advanced teachings at the outset, they would have been wasted as I would have marvelled at the knowledge but would have no understanding of what I was shown. Subsequently, I'd be left twisting in the wind, spouting knowledge I had no idea how to articulately convey to another, or even reconcile within my own mind. At the outset of the course I was taught to free myself. I was treated as a separate being who needed to throw off the chains of culture. I wasn't given understanding of my true nature as of yet; but instead, encouraged to become the hero and slay the dragon. The subsequent adventure into the labyrinth of self uncovered the truth of who I am.

The latest teachings, which began in earnest around March 2020, have been quite the journey. I can explain the course as composed of delving into the duality of self with the first stop being a deep dive into the shadow. My benefactor spent a lot of time preparing me for the eventual cordial meet and greet with the darkness. Previously, I had run scared from the encounter and as a response, had learned courage and bravery from the master earlier in my education. I was ready for the advanced lessons now that it was clear I wouldn't run screaming from what I would be shown. I had been preparing for a while and had experimented with short trips into my own darkness but kept its presence at arm's length. I knew I had to let go and go deep and was preparing for this eventuality. The worldwide pandemic hit at this point and my teacher had other ideas. And so he taught me about the shadow and let me come to terms with my own bad self through self-reflection. When I was ready, he introduced the sacred mushroom and presented to me my shadow.

At first, I still objectified my shadow as the other. I did not want to accept I was the bad guy and responsible for all the suffering in the world. I did not want to accept that the presentation of the world is an accurate reflection of just who I am and who we are collectively as a species. The world as is, is the truth. You may deny it. You may say this is crazy and we are not like this. We don't individually inflict this level of suffering. However, the proof is in the pudding. This is the world we have constructed when left to our own devices. You can bury the shadow but you can't bury the consequences of your actions.

Immediately after this encounter I posited that I was the good guy and he was the bad guy. I knew he was me but I didn't want to fully accept it; so, I still retained the dualistic interpretation of the masculine human psyche and claimed the good guy for myself. I had some of the truth but didn't understand. I have noticed a pattern with my lessons in that they are the opposite of what the external group dynamic is. When we collectively teach religious ideals in culture we point towards the light. From this perspective, the student takes on the role of the degenerate who needs the salvation as offered by the light. The student identifies with the bad and works towards becoming the good. My teachings, on the other hand, allowed me to identify with the light and pointed me towards understanding the dark as opposed to cultural methods that further bury that part of you.

Once I accepted I was also the bad guy and started to internally process this knowledge, I was presented with the concept of the light within. I was given the understanding of the role of a figure such as Jesus Christ in the external and internal world. It was pointed out the encounters I had with this power were undeniable and so I had to sit with the lessons of being shown not only the darkness within but also the light. I was shown the two brothers within my psychic makeup and how over the course of my lifetime they have always been contending for the role of captain on this vessel. The ship had been given a name and cultural identity in a world I became form over 50 years ago.

Subsequently, I was reminded that who I think I am is just a construct made up for the convenience of culture. I was given a name and identity and told I was nothing and had to make it in this world. I play it small because I think I'm small. I have spent the majority of my life not knowing who I am! From the teachings of the master it was revealed to me I am everything. He showed me fundamentally I am not only Jesus but also the Devil, all wrapped up in a bag of skin. I am the creator and the destroyer. I am all, manifest. Neato!

This is the teaching and the knowledge allows me to write the final exam on this course and pass with flying colours.

Now that I have this understanding, the obvious question is why am I here and what am I going to do about it? The teachings are going towards transformation from intellectual understanding to actually putting them into practice. I know why I did this. I created the universe through the interplay of my polar extremes, to wit the light and the dark, in order to understand self. I see I perpetuate the division because of the nature of self. The next part of the course is the path of the heart. I am to temper my extremes with love and find balance. The Great Goddess has always encouraged me to continue on this path of discovery. She encouraged me to slay the dragon once I had the courage to engage. The futile act of trying to slay self was an eye opener and led me to investigate the monster within. At every point she was there to make sure I continued on, offering me protection and refuge when necessary, as well as giving me the impetus to move forward in my quest.

Monday, April 25, 2022

hero slays the dragon

Western civilization owes much to the ancient Greeks and thus their culture is celebrated within our institutions of higher learning. To this day, we still crank out graduates well versed in the classics. Similarly, the mystery of ancient Egypt strikes a chord in a great deal of aspiring academics and thus we have the discipline of Egyptology. There’re a lot of Egyptologists. Reverence for the past and trying to understand our human history is indeed noble. I never formally studied these disciplines unless you count a grade 8 field trip to see the treasures of Tutankhamun. Anyway, I write this introduction as a way of explaining I have no formal training; instead, a curiosity. I have delved deeper into ancient Egyptian lore with an emphasis on their myths. The imperial and dynastic drama is interesting but all too human. I’m interested in the goddesses and the gods.

Academic disciplines and the use of psychedelic drugs are at odds. The exploration of the mind isn’t well-disciplined nor something easily mapped therefore while the field of psychology can explore through the alteration of chemicals impacting one’s grasp of reality, there is no way to mix this modality of exploration with the hard disciplines. Unfortunately, this means academics leave a lot of knowledge on the table when it comes to understanding the spiritual lives of these ancient civilizations.

I am fascinated by the oracle at Delphi. I think it’s now a given that the Pythia was receiving her Apollyon gifts of prophecy through some kind of mind-altering vapour coming up through the fissures in the convergence of tectonic plates at this temple. Similarly, at Eleusis was the imbibing of the kykeon, which was a psychedelic mixture that enabled the experiencing of the mystery. Lately, what has fascinated me about Delphi is that during the spring and summer months of light in its ascendance and then plenitude, Apollo was the god celebrated at the temple. However, as the season changed to autumn and winter drew near, the god Dionysos and his followers would reclaim the sacred grounds. A rational study easily concludes Apollo is the god of light and Dionysos is representing the chthonic underworld with a connection to Hades and thus this cultural structure is mirrored and represented at Delphi.

I guess I can now say I’ve taken a lot of drugs and the years have passed where the knowledge I gained from these experiences has evolved into understanding. I’ve always been very curious about what I have experienced in mind-altering states with the polarity of light and dark always being at the forefront. The darkness was always my go to and to get to the light was a struggle. Ultimately, they are lessons of heaven and hell and your choice of where you want to hang out. My cultural background implores me to head to the light and thus my early explorations were intent upon burying the darkness and embracing the light. The constant darkness was a challenge and eventually I became very curious about it and started to explore the reason why I was always presented with the darkness. I am thankful I didn’t fully bury it before coming to an understanding.

Life is duality; it's plain to see. The light and the dark. We make the world come alive through objectification. Everything has its opposite polarity. We create new life through the polarities of feminine and masculine coming together.

I’m a night owl and much prefer nocturnal activities to daybreak. I’ve never been a morning person and in my youth the mornings would drag while the evening would bring a rush of energy. The external manifestation of my preference for the night is mimicking my psychological state of mind. I like living in the shadows and moving around in the darkness. The occult speaks to me and I’m a mystic at heart. I tried coming forth into the light. I can shine as bright as anyone but alas no, not for me. I leave that for others.

I found the most interesting and complex characters within the darkness. My muse, the Great Goddess, was imprisoned in the darkness. Her captor and husband, the dragon, is fascinating. He teaches an unparalleled life course and transformation goes through him. A hero is no hero without becoming a warrior and this means slaying the dragon. That’s the invite. Go ahead and slay the dragon. I’ll wait.

How’d it go?

There are so many twists and turns upon this path of the hero.

You never slay the dragon. Instead, you slowly realize he is the master teacher. You look back and see the outcome was never assured or written in stone. It was much in doubt and potentially lethal. You see now why the Goddess didn’t want you to do it; she knew of the coming tribulation.

Slowly, the dragon reveals himself. The ultimate alpha male, your father, and a teacher of no compare. When you finally understand this, in essence witnessing a superhero unmasking his identity, you can look back upon the journey and see it really does make sense. Meet the Goddess - she is love. Meet God - he is the ultimate warrior and ready to teach his son the way of the warrior even if he has to kill him. Who else would this all-powerful masculine mystery be? It’s funny I didn’t see it for the longest time yet now I’m like duh, of course.

Monday, April 18, 2022


The sub-culture of psychedelic users is a fascinating study. I’m not of the joining type so I don’t seek out fellow explorers or join clubs and I tend to keep the community at arm’s length. I prefer to go it alone and keep the outside influences to a minimum. This is my predicament and I’m not championing it above what is calling out to another. However, I do have to remain true to myself.

One of the constants in the use of mind-altering substances is the importance of set and setting. Set is the condition of the one who is going to undergo the experience and setting is where the alteration of consciousness will take place. The set-up is to ensure your papers are in order so that you will have a good trip. We all want rainbows and unicorns. The bad trip into the darkness where you scare yourself silly and have to run from the Devil is somewhat mitigated.

Ever wonder why there is the continual threat of the bad trip? Could it be that the alteration of consciousness is trying to tell you something? Instead of following the rabbit into the labyrinth of the hidden darkness, we develop strategies that lead us towards the bright light of the higher self; a light so blinding we don’t have to deal with our darkness.

In my experience, that is precisely the reason we focus on set and setting. We are intrigued with inner exploration yet we don’t want to deal with all of it, just the good parts. I remember being so thoroughly beaten up as I counted in my first twelve Ayahuasca journeys that three of them were positive and uplifting and the other nine started out within a deep darkness that the majority of the time remained for the whole night. I was tempted many times to give up the exploration of consciousness through psychedelics because going into this darkness was so difficult and upsetting. I wanted smiles and sunshine and to hang out with the fully realized beings who could teach me to be enlightened just like them and instead I was being continually pummelled.

Would I trade the way this all came about if I could? No. It has been perfect. It’s what I wanted in the deep recesses of my soul. Would I want to go through this fire again? Hell, no! My current incarnation seems similar to the process of consciousness exploration that is unfolding.

So, what I’m questioning is the conventional wisdom in regards to when and where you can alter your consciousness. Obviously, a safe place is a must however I’d be interested in cataloguing the effects of certain environments upon the trip. It is a curious happenstance that I have met beings made of love and light who were basically housed in an old warehouse containing a freight elevator, rusted out plumbing, and the sound of dripping water. This also seems like a good place to have an experience with friends.

Psychedelics help you shed identity and reveal your true nature, if you let them. You have to let go of attachments and prejudices to get to the root of self. It becomes clear who you think you are is a cultural latex wrap enveloping something so much greater.

Psychedelics are just one way to the truth. A method is a method. You find what works for you. Meditation. Psychedelics. Darkness retreats. Religion. Extreme exertion. Breath work. Drumming/Trance. The method gets you in. In combination with the method is figuring out why you think you need a method along with understanding just what you are seeking.

My method is psychedelics because they put me face to face with the mystery. The peculiar thing about their use is I don’t get the answers I’m searching for while using them. Psychedelics give me knowledge but usually I don’t understand it. Over the following few months is when I am gifted understanding of what I experienced in combination with a profound remembering.

The understanding comes to me while not on the drug. The intensive experience gives me enough homework for at least six months though I’m constantly referencing experiences from years ago. I did two mushroom trips last December and now a few months later I’m starting to unravel the bequeathed knowledge. I had my initial takeaways from the trip but as I further examined them and prejudices fell away, I got to their core. I see clearly now what they were teaching me and once I gave up my attachment to who I wanted to be, everything fell into place. I started to see cracks in my narrative a few weeks back and then all of a sudden, the dam burst and I got it. It’s a fascinating process.

And that’s why I would suggest you find a method that works for you. A meditator meditates daily and gradually works their way into the inner sanctum. I take drugs and head straight for the buffet however I only gorge myself once or twice over a six-month period. The rest of the time I’m fasting. I do practice my own form of meditation however it’s not the western style. My meditation consists of daily hikes in the forest along with a nightly ritual at my Mesa after communing with sacred tobacco. This puts me in the space we are seeking.

When I first tried psychedelic drugs they scared me. They also made me very curious. Once I got past the fear, I wanted to do them a lot. I didn’t because my drug of choice was fortuitously a long way away; so, instead, I travelled once a year to the Amazon jungle to do them. This worked out in my favour so I didn’t become one who piles ceremony upon ceremony without ever integrating the experiences because if I had access to them I would have followed the love of ceremony trajectory. Now that I’m experienced with these tools I find I want to do them less and less. I still find them fascinating and a wellspring to explore. I have access to magic mushrooms and could do them every weekend if I wanted however I don’t feel that pull. A couple times a year seems about right.

Monday, April 11, 2022

motel at the crossing

I sense that I may finally be ready. Ready for what? To walk the path of the heart in earnest. It has something to do with desire fulfillment; in essence getting my fill. The process had to play out to its completion and I had to repeatedly make a choice in what path I wished to follow. There have been multiple forks in the road which required a choice. For instance, with plant medicines I had to choose between the right-hand path of elevating the self and becoming a spiritual leader of renown or taking the dull left-hand path, doing the work, and becoming of service. For the most part, the narcissist within is not a problem and therefore I do not seek fame. I prefer to remain anonymous, get my alone time in the forest, and let my actions speak for me. Don Howard would tell us to allow our light to shine. There's no need for a hype man or to acquire followers.

I parked my vehicle at this intersection of choice for a while because I wasn't ready to make the commitment. I'd do a day trip along the path of the heart but would always return to the motel at the crossing. I still wanted to get more of the carnival so I'd pack my bags and venture off into the funhouse for more of the pleasure hit. After the last candy apple, I'd get the stomach ache and return to my room. I'd remember the path of the heart and as Ram Dass would say, "Get my Bkahti hit." My spiritual practice would be invigorated because I drained myself of the material impulse.

I haven't been ready to commit to either path. I enjoyed my time waffling on the edge while the hidden magician within would tempt with more rides. Looking back, I clearly see the temptations and at the time I was aware of the consequences. I never took the last step. If I would have taken that step I would have fucked up my game! I wouldn't have been able to find my way back to the motel. The point was being made that I wasn't ready to make a choice and I had to come to the natural conclusion of desire fulfillment. The magician has been kind to me, knowing when to withdraw the temptation. I'm human and everyone has their breaking point so I know he'd take me to the edge and let me peer into the abyss. The situation would then resolve after I made my choice and I'd go back to my lonely room. I know I purposely seek out the temptations in order to get a material hit and remind me I still got it; not being sure what "it" really is. That's the thing about the human predicament. We want to be wanted and to know we are worthy so we seek out the validation in others who are curiously fighting the same battle.

As a teenager and a young adult, I enjoyed going to the amusement park and going on the rides. Nightclubs were exciting and staying up all night was fun as well. Eventually, we grow older and tire of those thrills and move on to different pastimes which allow us to get to bed before midnight! The same paradigm seems to be at work in the spiritual journey when there comes a point that the choice can be made because the love of the carnival just naturally falls away. My last few trips to the carnival have been pretty short. I'll always have a fondness for the water log ride but in the end, it isn't any more worth the trouble. I do actually feel the desire waning for the thrill. I never thought I’d get to this point in my life.

I know of the path of the heart and the bliss entailed by walking the trail. I've never followed it for long; always turning back after a few days and returning to the comforts of my lonely room. I'm ready for a long adventure and more importantly I am curious about what I will discover. I've done the work on self and the last few years of forced reconciliation of self has been a tremendous boon for self-knowledge. The path of the heart is inviting me to explore and it's a very exciting opportunity. I've never felt this way before; always viewing the path of the heart as dull and a form of resignation of life. I get the feeling the dull and lifeless entrance is a facade. It keeps the pretenders away.

This has been a tough lesson. I stand ready yet I still want one more trip to the carnival. For sure the duration is becoming shorter and shorter. I step into the circus ring and already I want to leave and go back to the motel.

Time will tell if I truly am ready. The lesson of the light and the darkness within me are ending and I know from experience I will shortly write the exam. When you are ready, the curriculum is accelerated. I remember when I wrote the courage and bravery exam it was shortly after I displayed the necessary amount to be successful in the hero's journey. There was no waiting around and basking in my up-levelling. Instead, within no time I had to write the final exam and get ready for the next lesson. The same scenario is now unfolding. I've completed the lesson of the two brothers within this container of self and the heart lessons await. Let's get to it!

Monday, April 4, 2022

chicken or egg

A night time wayfarer I am. The intentional use of the masculine mapacho tobacco with the feminine mugwort potentiates the dreaming. Every night I go to bed and fire up the projector. The projectionist has a huge library of flicks to choose from and I let them surprise me. There’re adventures, love stories, tragedy, and at times the 1-star films that are going nowhere.

I was having a 1-star dream last night, sure to be panned by critics and movie-goers alike. It was the first movie of the night; you know the vivid dreams that happen as you cross the threshold into the hypnosis of sleep. My pattern is usually I awake about an hour and a half to two hours in and can recall the dream fairly easily at this point. It is amazing that the ideal length for a Hollywood movie is between 90 minutes to 2 hours. Think about that fact! The hypnosis wears off around the two hour mark and we get restless. So, this one had a lot of peripheral dialogue and no action. What I fully realized last night was that waking up ends the dream and for the most part, when I return to sleep I will dream a new dream.

I experienced this same course of action with magic mushrooms where I would create visionary world after visionary world and could leave each creation by opening my eyes. When I would close them, I would conjure a new world. I assigned the activity to the mushroom and didn't think critically about it. Three months later it dawned on me that I smoked tobacco and drank mugwort tea prior to ingesting mushrooms. The mushroom was the catalyst for putting me into a hypnotic dream state where I remained awake and then my two allies proceeded to create world after world. I was oblivious to the understanding of what was happening until now.

So, what to make of it? I had a dream a few years ago that fingered tobacco as the creator of this world. The dream involved this favourite store of mine when I was a child called "Playtime." The store contained all the toys that excited the growing mind as well as the rare and exotic candy not normally found at the corner store. In the dream I went to the back of the store and found a huge log of tobacco and wondered if I smoke the whole thing would I propel myself into a never-ending dream? What was being revealed by this dream was the ingestion of the plant triggers the mind to enter into a state where we start to create worlds of thought. Ultimately, we do it - the we in this case being the one who becomes the many. Through tobacco we make it all happen and we of course give tobacco a prominent place in our dream world. Tobacco is truly the master plant and I see now with clarity he gives this world the juice needed to continue on. We ingested a shit ton of the plant which put us into this deep sleep. When you become a friend of tobacco and reverently use the gift he provides, you little by little profoundly alter your consciousness. One day you realize how much he has taught you and in the process of waking up there is this understanding that he enabled your dream and he also woke you up in your dream.

My intellect was satisfied with the lesson of the dream as taught because I have always wondered what came first, the chicken or the egg? When you enter into the dream-state and conjure worlds out of nothing, everything just appears as is. It's so funny that of course this is the answer. How about those ancient Egyptian pyramids? Wow! We really did a number on our self!

Certainly, by now, I can easily put two and two together. Worlds are created through mentation and then we trap ourselves in these creations for fun, sport, and adventure. To escape a world of our own making is to wake up. The use of words and phrases are a subconscious phenomenon in that deep down we know the answers and what it is we are seeking, though our conscious self may just be bumbling through life. This bubbles up to the surface in language and a cursory look at spiritual paths puts you onto the game where they all talk about "waking up” even if they don’t realize the deep-seated implications of this course of action.

This world is truly a dream.

Monday, March 28, 2022

video game

I really do like the video game analogy of life where you go on an adventure to slay the dragon and rescue the princess with a limited supply of health and lives. The game master gives you more than one life because they set up the game knowing failure is expected as well as imminent upon the initial forays into the trappings of this world. Some of us players just like to explore the world and don't sense any urgency to complete some divine task. We just wander around, smelling the flowers, tasting the wine, and that's that. For those of us who sense some divine calling to embark on the sacred hero's journey, immediately the old myths, beliefs, and fairy tales of yesteryear start to take on a new meaning and we have a glimpse of some grand adventure. The world as a video game offers a plethora of storylines and adventures with no requirement you follow any of them. The beauty of the game is also that a participant can create their own story within the adventure and in turn acquire followers who play their unique adventure.

I intuit I have played this game many times and lost many lives in pursuit of the princess and the dragon. A big reason for this inner knowing is a lack of interest in the trappings of the world. I have always found it strange that the bright lights of the world - the fame, wealth, and power, do not move the needle. I don't seek them out and am content to go without. I seek out solitude and contemplation. I spent the first half of my life trying to fit into culture and at the same time trying to hide from culture. I didn't want to play but knew I had to participate in order to reach a point in my life where I was free to go into the mystery despite the obstacles I had placed in my own way. I didn't know how I would be led to the mystery and I didn't know this was the game I was playing however there was an inexorable push towards the inevitable.

At middle age I took the plunge and started trying to piece together the puzzle in earnest. I explored ancient cultures, myths, and beliefs. I discovered the worship of goddesses that had been suppressed and being of the curious sort who plays on the edge of the mystery and a contrarian of the highest order, I was drawn to her. She had been waiting millennia for her hero and all I had to do was start the search. Once I took the step, the roads opened up and all pointed to the way to re-discover her. She led me to her divine presence and is the rock upon which all of my searching rests. She brought me to the doorstep of her castle made of gold and let me in. I got to her place via the backdoor accessed through outer darkness; in other words, the avenues of spirituality within culture do not lead to her house but instead shepherd you onto paths of masculine dominated worship.

I sense it took many lives to discover this secret. Eventually, I did try a different path which led me to her and I now had the key to her heart and thus continued on in the quest. To become the hero in this pursuit and not get repeatedly wasted, making you retrace your steps in this continually evolving adventure, involves eventually figuring out that you don't take the roads of culture but instead do the opposite. This is the secret to the game and getting past the repetitive nature of life that has you spinning your wheels lifetime after lifetime. Once you find her she will give you the cloak of protection which exponentially increases health. The quest and the game intensify and the dragon comes for you. He will threaten to kill you but you now have the Goddess on your side and you are doing this for her. You display courage and bravery and stand up to the bully. I'm on a role in the video game and I'm not stopping. I finally got past the dragon and am in unchartered territory. I climbed the mountain and discovered the architect of the game.

I see past the veil.

The Great Goddess' teachings coalesce and point towards unity. Almost everyone in this culture game is worshipping money and power. I don’t worship power because I am power. I have objectified power as my brother however it is really I. Why would I worship myself? That was the ruse. The veil prevented me from seeing my powerful dark side and the test was to see if I’d wake up through methods of love and unity before succumbing to the trappings of power. To worship power is to not know the secret that you are power.

The world is a reflection of self; specifically, myself. The strife and psychosis that characterize the world are my traits which have come forth. It’s a tough lesson. This world is cruel but was created to teach and transform. I needed to run a simulation that brought my innate character flaws to life so I could see exactly the result of bringing forth a world without the love of the Goddess.

I search and I search and the answer to every vexing question to the predicament I find myself in is always love. I take psychedelics and my inner voice repeatedly shouts the answer of love to me. The way out of the morass and unmovable inertia of the hellscape I have created here on earth is to love all unconditionally. I know this and I know how hard it is to put such a simple teaching into practice. One of the last conversations I had with the great maestro don Howard involved this love. He knew I'd found the answer and I understood however he also knew about the obstacles to putting this love into practice. He told me you have to go forth with courage to love all. The last speech he gave to the group that retreat was all about love, quoting the Beatles’ song In The End, "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." Don Howard appeared in my life at the exact time I was ready for him. I’m amazed at how I subconsciously set up the game so that all these events would work in my favour if I walk the path with heart.

The path leads to the avatar of the axis mundi which is hammering into my thick skull that no matter where I am, I’m it, in the very centre of it all. I see my polar extremes and how they create the dualistic world and I’m constantly reminded the work I’m here on earth to do is to temper the extremes into the middle, the heart space, and fill the world with love.

Monday, March 21, 2022


In the zest of youth, we attach to ideas and argue them to the intellectual death. We become entrenched in our positions and shake our head at others' inability to see the truth. We are incredulous at the folly of humanity and seek out other like-minded souls who confirm we are correct and that the other side is nuts.

A great deal of the time there’s a generational divide which accounts for differences. My first exposure to this, along with many others, was in terms of religion. My elders held these irrational beliefs in God despite our current scientific knowledge and I assigned these beliefs to delusion. As all good atheists do, I engaged in debate with the believers and came away confounded by the fact I couldn’t change their minds and instead they scoffed at me and my lack of faith.

Their beliefs were childish and the stuff of fantasy. It was admirable how rock-solid faith was entrenched in their lives and it didn’t matter what evolutionary evidence I would show them in order to belittle their canon. Eventually, you give up and assign them to the category of wishful thinkers who can’t accept that when you are dead, you are dead, and that’s that.

I’m in my mid-50s now and my youthful ignorance has given way to experience buoyed by the adventures of life. I’m no longer an atheist and have my own ideas about divinity, free from culture. I love talking about them and will engage with whomever wants to discuss them.

There are no wise young people despite some claiming the title. They may be clever and smart but I’m now wise enough to realize without experience it means squat. You can read about life and talk a good game but until you walk through the fire it is just hollow words. The best thing about experience is seeing situations and events unfold and knowing you’ve seen them before, you can make a decent prediction about the outcome. In a trivial sense, I see this in professional baseball players. They remind me of players from my youth and I base my assessment of their skill level and career projections on what I have previously seen. It’s not foolproof however it is a good foundation on which to base evaluations.

So, what am I getting at? Covid-19 vaccination. Covid-19 is a religion and the vaccine is the god. When the vaccine came out we were told of its glory and how it will save all of humanity. The vaccine evangelists were out in full force. When the vaccine failed to deliver humanity to the promised land, the non-vaccinated were blamed. The non-vaccinated were soon cast out from participation in society, relegated to second class citizens. The non-vaccinated were coerced into accepting the vaccine into their lives in order to participate in society.

The vaccine god was found out to be not as advertised. It turns out he didn’t prevent infection or transmission.

Like I said, when I was a young atheist I’d shake my head at the staunch believers and couldn’t understand why when I told them the truth they wouldn’t accept it. Have you recently tried to talk to someone who is firmly ensconced in the narrative of the Covid-19 vaccine being the way out of the pandemic? Have you seen what our government leaders are doing?

The rational mind says the only assurance against transmission of the virus is through testing and isolation. It is clear it matters not whether you are vaccinated or not. That is a personal choice. Whether you want to believe the vaccine works is now a matter of faith. The problem is we now live in a sectarian society and they believe in the vaccine. Those who don’t believe, you know the heretics, are persecuted. So, when I point this out to previously sane people it does not compute. The dissonance hardens their beliefs. The vaccine is the way and the life. I am talking to a brick wall.

Hindsight and the study of history reveals all societies periodically purge the heretics. It’s a fascinating human psychic phenomenon. As long as we live in groups, the cyclical madness always will return. We are meant to be free and thus the choice becomes exercising that freedom or going mad. Freedom is a hardship and thus most welcome madness.

When the Catholic Church was all-powerful in the middle-ages they burned the heretics at the stake. This was done for two reasons. First of all, they were so sure of their beliefs and wanting to save all souls that they would go to this extreme measure in order to get the heretic to repent and thus save their soul. The other reason to put to death the heretic was to stop the spread of dissenting beliefs and ideas. Nowadays, we have online censorship that stays true to this tactic. The fact-checkers keep you away from and shun the information that goes against the establishment narrative.

For the majority of the population the psychological enforcement of groupthink is enough to get most to fall in line. Nobody wants to go against the hive mind. Humans are obedient and will do what they are told to do when it’s the voice of authority giving them orders. History and experiments in human behaviour confirm this is the case for the majority of the population. It’s why the comparison of humans to sheep is made in that we exhibit flock behaviour when grouped together. In a time of crisis, the duty to conform becomes second nature to most while others feel the crushing weight of compliance and acquiesce. It has been said by American essayist Randolph Bourne in the early 20th Century that, “War is the health of the State” and to this I’d add any national emergency is where the State comes to the fore. Psychologically, the authorities take on the role of the superego which fundamentally uses praise and blame as a means of control. We have been conditioned in this regard from birth where our parents were the authority. We went to school and the authority was transferred onto another entity for our education and then once we were deemed ready for the real world it became culture at large that subsumed the role of enforcer. Most of us don’t know what freedom is and love our slavery.

“You are in prison. If you wish to get out of prison, the first thing you must do is realize that you are in prison. If you think you are free, you can't escape.”
― G.I. Gurdjieff

The homeless in our society have made a choice to be free. Freedom is full of hardship and suffering. We don't know what to do with them. We declare them mentally ill and develop treatments to keep those on the fringes in the game. We have pills to numb consciousness so we can continue to play the culture game. How do we know we aren't the ones who are mentally ill? Is the psychologist just a pusher and fixer of the prevailing culture while giving their patients strategies for fitting into the madness of their fellow game players?

Likewise, the domesticated dog thinks the wolf is mentally ill.

So, what to do? Personally, my life is fulfilling because of my contrarian nature and going against the grain. Succumbing to the demands of a culture I hold in contempt doesn’t seem like a good option. I see only pain and self-loathing if I followed that path. I do realize freedom isn’t free and brings with its exercise many challenges. So far things always work out in life and I see no reason why they wouldn’t continue in this regard. Onward ho!

Monday, March 14, 2022

fruit of the trees

The natural world is so fascinating and offers rich symbolism that can be integrated into the human spiritual journey. The opening chapters of the Book of Genesis in the Old Testament are full of such metaphors, specifically the four rivers that flow into and out of the Garden of Eden and the two well-known trees within the garden - the Tree of Life and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Here are the passages from Genesis chapter 2 (King James Version):

8 And the Lord God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed.
9 And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
10 And a river went out of Eden to water the garden; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads.

The Garden of Eden is symbolizing the human heart and a place of innocence and love. The four rivers are representing the four valves that provide the heart with blood and in turn pumping the love juice back out. After creation has completed, the innocent Adam and Eve are placed in the Garden of Eden. Being pure of heart they partake in the delights of this paradise. They are instructed by God that they can eat of the fruit of the Tree of Life and live forever but are forewarned not to eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil lest they perish.

17 But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

Of course, as we all know, the serpent tempts Eve into eating an apple from this tree and now with her eyes opened she has Adam eat as well and lo and behold they don’t die. Genesis chapter 3:

3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
4 And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
5 For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

God comes around and realizes what they have done and they are booted out of the Garden of Eden.

8 And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden.
9 And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?
10 And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.
11 And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
22 And the Lord God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
23 Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
24 So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

What happened? The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil gives them the ability to “see” and through this discernment the world comes alive as they objectify their surroundings. The knowledge opens up the dualistic world and with unity now smashed they can no longer stay in the Garden as it is only for the pure of heart. The esoteric teaching being that the path of knowledge will take you away from the path of the heart. The path of knowledge will also lead you towards eventually discovering your divinity as God reveals, "the man is become as one of us.” And herein lies the rub. In order to discover who you are requires one to eat of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and then transmute that knowledge into understanding and then wisdom. The clock starts ticking on your mortality and the one called God keeps you away from the Tree of Life, which in turn gives the game some urgency to figure it out. As far as I can tell, once you walk the path of knowledge to its conclusion and realize who you are, you give it up and walk the path of the heart back to the Garden of Eden. If you read the Old Testament in its entirety you do sense this undercurrent where the Israelites are heading east trying to get back to the Garden, albeit prematurely. Jerusalem is the Garden and eventually they make it back, though they haven’t given up the worldly knowledge path. The Israelites constantly foul the garden with their worldly activities, leading to calamity after calamity. Jerusalem is constantly destroyed and the inhabitants scattered.

In the New Testament Gospel of Matthew chapter 18, Jesus says that in order to enter into the Kingdom of Heaven one must become like a child again:

2 And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them,
3 And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.
4 Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

Now that I have shown you the path of knowledge and the path of the heart it is fairly easy to see what Jesus meant with this statement. Knowledge will lead to one objectifying and treating everyone as separate. The innocent child is still connected to the mother and sees a harmonious world of love and play. The path to knowledge leads to suffering. Jesus is showing us jaded adults the way back to the Garden of Eden which is now called the kingdom of heaven. The kingdom of heaven is externalized as the new Jerusalem coming down from the heavens in the Book of Revelation. In the Gospel of Luke chapter 17, Jesus reveals the true location of the kingdom:

20 And when he was demanded of the Pharisees, when the kingdom of God should come, he answered them and said, The kingdom of God cometh not with observation:
21 Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.

As known to the sages of antiquity, the answers to all you seek are found within with the caveat that you have to exhaust the external search before coming back to the doorstep of self and realizing you are everything. If you want a world of innocence and love it starts and ends with you.

I know readers don’t come here for my hot takes on scripture or bible commentary. There’re plenty of places on the internet to go for instruction however I do offer a unique perspective on the stories and how they resonate with my path and what I have experienced. So, let’s get straight to it. I’ve been involved with plant medicines for almost 9 years and the undercurrent throughout this journey has been the two trees as found in Genesis. Continuously, I have been shown the solution to the suffering in this world is love. It doesn’t matter what the problem is or how insurmountable it is; love is the answer. However, being stubborn, I needed to know. I wanted the knowledge of just who it is I am and what this existence is all about. So, I had to leave the Garden of the Goddess, objectify the other, see myself in everyone, and figure out the game before becoming so aghast at the suffering that the only path to take had to be the path of the heart back to unity; hopefully having imbued the many with some of that love in my travels.

My consciousness exploration has from the beginning involved Goddess and God. I found her first and she wanted to take me away and bathe me in love. My mission into form had other ideas and I had to keep exploring. She gave me her cloak of protection and off I went into the dragon’s lair in order to retrieve the pearl of knowledge I was seeking. The dragon I encountered is God, my erstwhile shadow, though I didn’t realize this knowledge at the time. Instead, I was just scared silly. God was honest with me. He told me he was God and told me to get lost. The knowledge I was seeking was off-limits. It’s a great game I set up for myself that in the end will lead back to the heart. Search long enough and you’ll see it; the path of the heart is joyful and the antidote to the immense suffering.

The dragon is a masterful teacher. Well, he's the shit man. His teaching methods are unique and extreme with the potential to lay waste to you. Courage and bravery are not bestowed upon someone without going through the fire. In other words, you will be tested to see if you do have what it takes. You will experience failure and doubts and the subsequent adversity will ignite the flame of transformation or conversely you will run away and perish. The pearl awaits the intrepid hero and the path back home is thus revealed.

All I have experienced because of eating the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil has shown me though I objectify the other in order to make the universe come alive, all is indeed self. This includes God and Goddess. It’s all me. I see my extremes and get so lost in the separation I lose sight of home. Fear takes over and I go into survival mode. I struggle to find my way back not even knowing what I’m looking for. Eventually, I see what it is I’m looking for in others and they are the catalyst to this feeling of love that stirs within a memory of something so much greater. The path of the heart is lit up and I come back home.

What a great adventure.

Monday, March 7, 2022

weaving duality

I have the ability to confound and confuse with the games I play within my mind. I can walk the edge of sanity and invite the ideas swirling within my mind to come together and reveal universal truths.

Maybe I’m the one who is not real? Maybe I spent all my life denying my inner life and burying it in order that I could come forth and greedily soak up this incarnation. Maybe I should be the one in the darkness? Perhaps I’m the illegitimate one. Maybe I’m the parasite? It’s an interesting way to look at my incarnation. This once again brings me back to the story of Jacob and Esau in the Old Testament. Jacob is the one who came forth and took all the honours away from his twin brother Esau, who was portrayed as a hairy and stupid beast. When Jacob was fleeing Laban for his life, Laban being the father of Jacob's moon goddess wives Rachel and Leah, he was also running from the collective forces of Esau, who were coming to kill him. Jacob knew he was a deceitful thief and hadn’t reconciled with Esau, his shadow. I have a pretty good mystical grasp of the Bible so let me pull out a few verses from Genesis chapter 25 in the King James Version which is describing the birth of the twins Esau and Jacob to illustrate what I’m getting at here.

25 And the first came out red, all over like an hairy garment; and they called his name Esau.
26 And after that came his brother out, and his hand took hold on Esau's heel; and his name was called Jacob: and Isaac was threescore years old when she bare them.

The shadow is the firstborn and the alpha. If you dissect the etymology of Hebrew words used to describe Esau you’ll find they link back to the idea of an ‘eleph that is derivative of the ‘aleph; the symbol for the bull who represents the coursing power of the alpha male which is called the Ka in ancient Egypt and represented in that civilization as well by the bull. Ultimately, there is an untold story here that is describing a hidden power deep within all men that originally came forth first as the life force and through our cunning we took control and buried him in order to keep this adventure all to our self and burdened the redman with the appellation of demon. Later, in Genesis chapter 25 is described a situation where Jacob tricks Esau into giving up his firstborn birthright.

29 And Jacob sod pottage: and Esau came from the field, and he was faint:
30 And Esau said to Jacob, Feed me, I pray thee, with that same red pottage; for I am faint: therefore was his name called Edom.
31 And Jacob said, Sell me this day thy birthright.
32 And Esau said, Behold, I am at the point to die: and what profit shall this birthright do to me?
33 And Jacob said, Swear to me this day; and he sware unto him: and he sold his birthright unto Jacob.
34 Then Jacob gave Esau bread and pottage of lentiles; and he did eat and drink, and rose up, and went his way: thus Esau despised his birthright.

Wow. This knowledge starts to unravel the idea of the sacrifice of the firstborn. In order to claim kingship over self, I sacrificed the firstborn and took his birthright. Later, Jacob deceives his father Isaac into granting him the blessing of the firstborn in order to become a great nation, as Isaac nears death in chapter 27.

6 And Rebekah spake unto Jacob her son, saying, Behold, I heard thy father speak unto Esau thy brother, saying,
7 Bring me venison, and make me savoury meat, that I may eat, and bless thee before the Lord before my death.
8 Now therefore, my son, obey my voice according to that which I command thee.
9 Go now to the flock, and fetch me from thence two good kids of the goats; and I will make them savoury meat for thy father, such as he loveth:
10 And thou shalt bring it to thy father, that he may eat, and that he may bless thee before his death.
11 And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man:
12 My father peradventure will feel me, and I shall seem to him as a deceiver; and I shall bring a curse upon me, and not a blessing.
13 And his mother said unto him, Upon me be thy curse, my son: only obey my voice, and go fetch me them.

Because of the discovered deceit, Esau vows to kill Jacob.

42 And these words of Esau her elder son were told to Rebekah: and she sent and called Jacob her younger son, and said unto him, Behold, thy brother Esau, as touching thee, doth comfort himself, purposing to kill thee.

The situation comes to a head in chapter 32 as Jacob is returning from his exile where he had stayed with Laban and his two daughters for 14 years.

6 And the messengers returned to Jacob, saying, We came to thy brother Esau, and also he cometh to meet thee, and four hundred men with him.
7 Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed: and he divided the people that was with him, and the flocks, and herds, and the camels, into two bands;
9 And Jacob said, O God of my father Abraham, and God of my father Isaac, the Lord which saidst unto me, Return unto thy country, and to thy kindred, and I will deal well with thee:
11 Deliver me, I pray thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau: for I fear him, lest he will come and smite me, and the mother with the children.

Jacob is delivered after spending the night wrestling with the angel of God who gives him the name Israel. The angel of God is a manifestation of the alpha male power that all heroes must contend with at some point in their journey if they are to be successful. 

My own experience suggests because whom we call the demon within can become your teacher, there is a co-dependency rooted in the dual nature of existence. I now know with clarity “I”, my bifurcated self, has two masculine polarities and I bury one of them and identify with the other. It’s a lot easier to understand what the ancient Egyptians were trying to teach with the stories of Horus and Set and what the Quariwari shamans of the pre-Columbian Andes were describing with tinkuy and taking the two halves of the man and reconciling them into the centre. In the ancient lore of India, it is the god Shiva who is this destructive power within man. Curiously, Shiva has a Datura leaf in his headdress and from my experiences in the Amazon I know of this Datura plant that they call toé and its ability to take you deep into the darkness of self.

I educated myself in the mythology of ancient Egypt as a casual perusal of my earlier blog posts certainly attests. I was fascinated by the rivalry between Horus and Set and the iconic story told about their conflict which is called, “The Contendings of Horus and Set.” The esoteric meaning embedded into this tale is this struggle for mastery within the man. He comes forth by day as the light in the guise of the hero Horus but the journey is not smooth sailing at all as the shadow, represented by the red and powerful beast Set, is intent on claiming kingship for himself. Thus, from the moment Horus comes into this world there is conflict between the two that is said to last 80 years. In other words, our whole life. Ancient Egypt was at its strongest and in its imperial glory when Set and Horus were united as the tying together of the Sema represents.

Set and Horus tying together the Sema

Within the iconography found throughout the land of ancient Kemet are curious images of the union of these two contending powers. The great god Harakhty of the double horizon who ushers in the light and the darkness speaks to this idea. Egypt became weak and eventually was overrun by foreign invaders after they ran Set out of the kingdom as those in power did not recognize the strength with which he imbued the nation and instead blamed all calamities on his influence. 

Ultimately, the ancient Egyptians were cognizant of this psychological split within the psyche of man but projected it onto royalty and left the commoner to a fate where they would never see the light. This split is discovered within an eternal conflict between two spheres of duality competing for rule over the psychic self which the ancient Egyptians mythologized in their story of the conflict between brothers struggling for the kingship of the land. This destiny is within us all; not just exclusively the purview of kings and queens. 

I have taken all the glory for myself on this path of awakening when in retrospect I’ve seen the split over and over again and am cognizant of the need for reconciliation and power sharing. I am everything. I am god. I am two. I’m Horus and Set. I’m Horus come forth but it is Set who is the power god of this world. I awaken and reclaim my kingdom yet I only have a share in it. In wholeness I truly am God, the dark and the light fully integrated, and that is the journey ahead where I see the blueprint and my destiny that awaits. It is only through the reconciliation of my consciousness which has come forth and the energetic tour de force that lays within that I reclaim my birthright and is a recognition that the two of us together is the reconstitution of God.

God is the sum of the light and the dark. This idea is perfect in that it is us who brings God forth through the reconciliation of our very nature. Reconciliation of duality brings us to God. I have come forth as the light but at the expense of the power I left buried in the shadow. I am Horus or as the Greeks equated him, Apollo. It’s no accident that upon alteration of my consciousness and descending into my very depths this buried power mocked me by loudly whispering, “Apollo, Apollo, Apollo” and then watching me run. This is the eternal struggle and within myth it is all found, hidden in plain sight. The names and the faces change but the drama retains its flavour. Dionysos is the great actor and keeps Apollo from losing himself in his narcissism. At the great oracle temple of Delphi, it is Apollo who grants the gift of prophecy to the Pythia during the ascendance of the vernal equinox; however, it is in the darkness of the winter months that Dionysos reclaims the temple and the surrounding mountains along with his followers, the maenads and satyrs, who celebrate our true nature in an orgy of sensual pleasure.

Now, I know what I have recounted here is very male-centric and does not touch on the destiny of the woman. There’s a good reason why and it is because I’m a man. I don’t know what a woman is struggling with. I view the pinnacle of womanhood as the Great Goddess and I owe the trajectory of my life to her grace. I am sure she is reflected in all women; in fact, she has told me so; however, I don’t know how that is reconciled within the woman. As a man, I know of my psychological split and the need to reconcile the two great powers at the fount of my being and once perfected I become ready for the grand reunion of divine feminine and divine masculine which in mythology is called the Hieros gamos. 

I am content with my discoveries and how I can weave all my knowledge into a coherent thread that I understand. I see the coalescing of world mythology into an overarching theme pointing at a great power within and going on a hero’s journey to write the rest of the story. Take the step and watch your world come alive.

Monday, February 28, 2022

my heart is my mother

My understanding of my inner life has been thrown for a bit of a loop. I have to take stock of the knowledge and situation and re-pattern my thinking and understanding. It is not going to be a flick of a switch; instead, I'll need to meditate on my knowledge in order to find clarity. You see, the problem is I assigned my rapaciousness to my shadow because it made me feel better to offload how abhorrent a world of suffering I had created onto something else. I wanted to be the good guy and denigrate the part of me that wants what he wants. I did a good job of fooling myself.

I have to figure out this split. I assigned the bad to the omnipotent god within I had discovered by repeatedly going into my shadow and encountering the psychic split. I now have the intuitive feeling that I have lumped everything together and created this dragon because I didn't want to come to terms with the horror of self. It is actually a mirror I was looking into and didn't acknowledge the reflection.

I wanted to believe I am the good guy.

I have come forth many times into the world of form. I am an eternal happenstance. That is true; however, my incarnations are all unique. Who I am now is special and will never recur. That's a pretty good clue I successfully ignored. I am an iteration of the great masculine life force. This life force is the Greek zoë who is indestructible. The zoë acts through the bios, which is the feminine body. The body can be destroyed but the life force lives on and cyclically reappears like everything else in this universe. It's all a pattern of on and off, acceleration and deceleration, coming and going, light and dark etc. Duality is what makes the universe come alive and we are perceptive duality machines who constantly objectify energy in order to delineate patterns in this big bucket of chaotic energetic flow.

There's something about our instincts for survival that gives rise to needs and wants. This is the motivating principle behind our lives. Survival and a fear we won't make it; so, like the chipmunk we stuff our cheeks as full as possible with bounty. Those successful at the game of accumulation easily become pathological towards wealth. We are hoarders. We have television shows depicting this psychological condition which reveal the down and out mentally ill living in filth as they can't control their need to accumulate stuff. So, transfer this condition onto money and power. See how the insanely rich in our world are sick. We elevate and put these people on a pedestal and yet they are as psychologically damaged as the hoarder.

I wanted to point this out in order to understand just who we are. This ingrained part of our nature is illuminating and acknowledging it does allow for a little bit of understanding to sink in. It allows one to take responsibility for who they are and to stop denying our darkness. I need to accept this or I'll remained lost. This journey is never ending and there is always so much more. There's a part of me who wants to finish the puzzle and bask in the glory of being done. I figured it all out! However, I'm a long way away and this ship of fools just keeps sailing onwards to new ports of call. My open mind has served me well in addition to being able to accept where I have been wrong as I discover more. I have documented how wrong I have been in this blog space. It is so refreshing and freeing to be wrong and be okay with it.

I have a heart and I do feel the power of love. Love does seem irrational unless I can use it to my advantage. The best part about love is it doesn't work that way and if another discovers you are using love to mislead or to profit off them, the love disintegrates. The ancient Egyptians had a saying that, "My heart is my mother." The heart is the Goddess and is the power that allows the eternal life force to repeatedly come forth when slowed down into matter. My heart is my eternal pulsing signature, akin to a fingerprint, and something we would then call a soul which is a gift of the Great Goddess. The feminine heart in conjunction with the masculine life force creates the energetic form that enlivens the gift of a body with this soul and here we are.

When you watch feel good stories of animal rescues it gives you hope that there is good to be found in humanity. Caring for an animal is a selfless act of love. Sure, there is the friendship aspect of the relationship and a hedge against loneliness but it does go much deeper and involves the path of the heart. When you open your heart, this is what you want to do. You want to help the other; whether fellow human or animal doesn't seem to matter.

I clearly see this and I see how the key to this game is found in the heart and through love. My extremes need to be tempered with love and I intuit that's what this grand game is all about. The outcome is the reconciliation of all power into the middle, the heart space, and radiating out this power in order to touch all who are encountered.

I understand purpose though I denied self. The understanding of self shows me the imperative of walking the path of the heart to heal humanity and by inference self.

I have the whole universe within. I am the magic man and can conjure anything I desire. I'm going to live forever and cyclically re-appear. I will retain my eternal signature and re-appear in continual new forms. I'm the producer, writer, director, and actor all rolled into one and can make of the drama what I choose. Ultimately, I need to stop identifying with the parts of me I like and embrace all of my humanity, see where I am a failure, and sprinkle some of that love power on the fertile soil and then watch it transform and grow into a beautiful flower. 

Monday, February 21, 2022

he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world

The truth is I’m the bad guy and he’s the good guy. I treat him as the adversary because he is in opposition to my worldly paradigm of fulfilling my wants and desires. This meat carnival is so inviting and I want my fill. That inner compass, whether moral or just a friendly reminder of the consequences of my actions, I have to bury. He is always there. When I set out to fulfill my desires, I assign the tumult to him in order that I have someone to blame.

I get why people seek an external Jesus. We get an inkling of the spirit and split within us and we are conditioned to find what we are looking for in the external world. Or, we can’t accept that little old us can house a god within. The sages of yesteryear shout at us to look within. So, we look within and initially all we find is a box of repressed feelings, desires, and instincts. It’s quite the project to go even deeper and polish the pearl which lies within the depths of this buried panoply.

Why does Jesus hang out with thieves and whores? Because that’s where we place him. We shut him away in the darkness where we shove all the things about us we hide from society and culture at large. You are the thief. You are the whore. Becoming an atheist means we don’t have to contemplate the inner voice. Becoming a Christian means we can externalize that voice and let some other human power lead us astray and delay the eventual reckoning.

Why do we crucify Jesus every year? Because in order to live this life of desire fulfillment we have to get him out of the way. So, we hang him on a cross and go about our business, free of his interference. He dies for your sins - an ingenious way of transferring responsibility onto the other. Remember, you think you’re the good guy. Jesus subsequently returns and harangues us. Imagine that! Like Peter, every year we have to deny him. 3 times until the cock crows. I know not the man. Please go away, you’re preventing me from living my best life. He doesn’t take the hint; so, once again we point him out to the authorities and hang him on the cross. If you live long enough, you must wonder what’s going on? Imagine being a billionaire, living it up, and every year the light grows within you and you have to abort or pretty soon you are giving away your fortune and helping others.

There’re many names for the god within. The ancient Egyptians called him Amen-Re and he rose to prominence in the Pharaonic 18th dynasty. Amen-Re means hidden light and it’s within where you will find the light. Pharaohs adopted the moniker Amen. Amenhotep - Amen is peace. Tutankhamun - The living image of Amen. You can find him in the devotionals of the commoner of the time who called upon the god in a display of personal piety. My culture calls him Jesus but we don’t teach to look within. There would be no need for our religious institutions if everyone knew of the hidden kingdom within. So, we have churches and tightly controlled religious experiences.

In the third millennium BCE, the ancient Egyptians credited the great Imhotep for the progress of civilization. The pyramid complex at Saqqarah and advances in medicine were all because of him. He was said to be a demi-god - the son of Sekhemet, who was the ferocious healing aspect of the Great Goddess Hathor. Imhotep means, “I come in peace.” Do you see it? Are you picking up what I’m putting down?

What a long journey to get to this place coinciding with publishing a blog post recognizing that I met Jesus. I’ve been sitting within myself, alone, for a couple days now and the epiphany hit. It was a gradual build up just waiting for the catalyst. It was a YouTube username that was the incendiary spark. He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

I have written a few times about how I felt Jesus was an avatar for the weak. It’s true, but only in the sense of the external Jesus. The one we invented out of whole cloth and projected out onto the world at large. The neutered power by which others profit. In essence, stealing the power that we all hold within. Hanging on to the image of an external Jesus will prevent the inner exploration that makes you come face to face with who you are. When you meet yourself, trust me, you will run. When you accept who you are, you will be able to find within the hidden light in the labyrinth of self. It’s the treasure.

I know of who is in me. My mushrooms trips are all about the split. The last two months, well ever since I took 2 grams of magic mushrooms on December 1st, I knew I had to figure this out. I went deep into the shadow and laid bare the split. At first, I assigned to him the bad and I took credit for the good. I assigned to him everything I don’t like about myself. I deduced the split I intuited was me the good versus him the bad when in fact these two were both me. I just hadn’t reconciled with who I am. I wasn’t ready to have to take responsibility for the suffering in the world so I did what everyone else does and transferred it onto the other and externalized it. I'm the good guy yet I know I'm not. But I'm not that guy. Once I stopped the game of pretend and accepted I was also the guy with horns and the world is a reflection of what I have brought forth, I saw the truth.

I keep piling up shit and dirt upon him and then point and say he is the bastard. My god, he will wait forever until I wake up. The world is the training ground which allows us to manifest what we need after we get our fill. The human race is defined by conflict. We bury, pour dirt, and shit on the light within. Rinse and repeat. It gnawed away at me and I finally realized it was I who was the bad guy. I knew I could get the answer if I asked and then searched. I knew he’d tell me. He always does.

What a journey to get to this point. I am humbled. I also find this very funny. It had to be this way. I can’t accept anything on blind faith. I need proof and the methodology has to be self-approved. Like Frank Sinatra, I did it my way.