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Monday, January 17, 2022

speaking of tarot

What's that old saying by Lao Tzu? Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know. Similarly, we have an expression about how the fool opens his mouth and the wise keeps quiet, with the roots of this admonition coming from the Old Testament Book of Proverbs. Chapter 17 has these gems (New International Version):

27 The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.
28 Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.

I was thinking about these pearls of wisdom primarily due to becoming interested in Tarot. Within this peculiar subclass of the occult I marvel at the amount of people who go around calling themselves so and so. I'm a witch. I'm this. I'm that. I'll solve all your problems. It's a common human affliction which is not attributed to just this genre. I've kind of recently put two and two together in that the same game is played by the holy spiritual pedlars and the self-help gurus.

Imagine if you have a legitimate spiritual awakening at some point in your life and then you go on an adventure to try and figure out what happened? We are all fools at this point, just begging to be exploited. We open our mouth and the accepted cultural institutions such as the church are lying in wait, ready to inculcate you with their beliefs and extract their pound of flesh. Alternatively, the more exotic tentacles of the mysterious eastern paths are reaching out to pull you in along with a host of other modalities which promise spiritual fulfillment. The grift is they perpetually keep you a follower. You may become an evangelist of the method if you prove your worth but never will you become king. You may stay on the treadmill in search of that elusive enlightenment with the expectation someone is going to tell you that you are enlightened. Maybe you will get a certificate that says you are at the pinnacle of spiritual knowledge from a fellow game player who probably doesn't really know either and like the fool believes themselves to be wise. The Tarot teaches we all begin in ignorance and play the fool. The key word is begin and as you progress along the game board of life and observe the actions of the species, you become wise if you have kept your mouth shut and followed your own innate inner guidance system. If you want a way to separate the wheat from the chaff, in other words, the good teacher from the one who has their own best interests at heart it is this: The good one will tell you don't need them anymore once they see you are headed in the correct direction. They point the way and show you the door. This is shamanism at its finest. Here's the door. Walk in, all by yourself, and do the work. I see similar in the teaching of Zen where the teacher will get you to talk yourself out until mentally exhausted so you give up and thus begins the process of clarity where you will eventually realize the truth and become enlightened. Ultimately, the path being nothing special at all.

The self-help industry is huge. We are talking billions and billions of revenues and the helpers all jockey for their piece of that scrumptious pie. As a society we give accreditation to the psychologists because they have to go to university and spend lots of time and money to validate their accumulation of knowledge. They are the one-up specialist who can charge a pretty good fee in order to give you the help you need. As I have previously opined, I find in our society the therapist is usually the one most in need of help and is subconsciously using their position in order to get the help they need. They see their pathology in their patients and then experiment on them, hoping to find the answer that will free them. It's such an exquisite profession! A step down from the psychologist is the coach. The coach doesn't need the degree and usually has a certificate from a weekend workshop which then sends them on their way into the world of self-help. If you spend some time in these circles you will discover this peculiar secret: Most of the people they are helping are other coaches! A self-help coach is a neurotic who passes the baton of low self-esteem around in a circle hoping not to be in possession when the music stops. I followed a coach for a few years, mostly out of a sense of duty. They were smart and had good advice but ultimately, they still needed to sort out their demons. I mean man they were fucked up and they knew it. They would sink into the depths of despair only to re-emerge energized. But that was the pattern of high and low and they never found balance. Their coaching practice was a way for them to work out their own shit and in doing this they could acquire followers who related to their suffering. When you suffer you think you are making progress thus the appeal of such a path. What happens when they are shown a way out of the suffering? They won't take that path because suffering defines who they are. If they give up suffering then they lose their identity. If you are still reading this post, I think you already know about the spiritual path and the ego and therefore I won't need to explain why they can't get off the hamster wheel of self-sabotage.

The best methods of spiritual awakening self-destruct. A method's utility is in its ability to point you in the direction which will allow you to discover your truth about who you are and why you are involved in this game of life. The ninth-century Chinese Buddhist monk Linji Yixuan advised his students to kill the Buddha. Not only is this provocative teaching instructing you to let go of the teacher; ultimately, it is telling you to destroy the method because without the icon the spiritual system hangs its proverbial hat on, the whole thing falls apart. Buddhists won't admit to the last part as their whole game disintegrates without the supreme enlightened one the practitioners strive to become; much like the Christian Jesus who is so pure no mortal can attain his level and thus we are trapped forever in some perverse holier than thou game. In this spiritual game you identify as a Buddhist. The ego is very tricky and will prevent you from taking the final step. You're a human being. Why don't you explore the cyclical nature of your desire system and discover just who you are? Becoming a permanent Buddhist means giving away your innate power through attachment to method. You don't need to remain attached to the method of awakening. The utility of the Buddha lies in getting you to explore the nature of self; to question why you suffer and see the way out. When you discover the way out perhaps you'll find the middle way. All methods of awakening are traps but as a novice you need a method. Once the alarm clock on the method sounds it is up to you to turn off the alarm and not go back to sleep.

To come full circle in this blog post is to return to the idea that those who know don't speak. The former rational me would chuckle at folly such as Tarot. One who believes in this bunk and woo entertain the heights of irrationality. For sure the cards enchant and a spectacle can be created that entertain but come on you can't take this seriously. And therein lies the rub and the magic. If you don't believe in the cards then certainly they don't work. In fact, they will never work. If you want to believe in the cards that too is not enough. To understand Tarot is to intuitively know the secret and thus understand why they work.

How do the cards work? To be continued?

Monday, January 10, 2022

mycelium exploration

When I first tried magic mushrooms I got what I wanted in terms of a deep dive into the shadow and the experience was so strong I was unsure I wanted to do them again. This hesitancy was not due to fear but rather I found the whole night to be difficult and the draining of my energy was something to take into consideration as it takes a few days to recover. Within a few days, I knew I would trip again as the insights were very rewarding and now that I had some bearing on what the mushroom trip entails, I could prepare myself more for what is to come. I know I'm not going to experience the shiny and happy trips of innocent wayfarers as my introspective nature and prior experience with psychedelics will always usher me towards the fringes of the mystery.

Something I realized with the mushroom is how little an amount you have to ingest and how relatively easy they are to acquire. Because of this, there is a simple way to introduce someone who is interested in altering their consciousness into this mysterious world. It's all right there waiting for you. Just a slight alteration of consciousness will send you on a path towards waking up and once awake there's no turning back. It's all choice in how you want to use this knowledge and power. For sure, they are not for everyone and indeed I have been struck by the power and profundity of the experience from just two dried mushrooms. I feel confident in their solo use but for a novice explorer I would not recommend such a method because they are so powerful. They do have the capacity to scare you shitless, much like I experienced the second time I drank Ayahuasca. That session could have easily spiralled out of control into a bad ending had it not been for the ceremonial aides who kept an eye on me while I was having my freak out.

I tried a different strain of the mushroom, this one called "Amazon". Heck I know the Amazon jungle! It's where I first tried psychedelics. Nostalgia is calling out to me, lol! I measured out just under 2 grams, as that is my dose. Mushrooms for me are so strong and I don't need more in order to go off into unchartered territory. The visuals from 2 grams are as strong as Ayahuasca. The split in my psyche is present and I can explore. The intoxication as presented gives me the same kind of feeling as any prior psychedelic journey and the ripping of reality into energetic patterns is pretty much the same.

The first time I tripped with magic mushrooms I kept my eyes open for a lot of the initial phase and it resulted in my surroundings becoming fluid with a great sense of the hypnotic nature of the tryptamine intoxication. As I awaited the onset of the mushroom this time, I actually felt a little bit of fear and anxiety, which I couldn't shake. I kept my eyes closed for most of the journey with the result being a very intense visionary experience. The intoxication took hold as the song "Medicine Chant" by Anilah was playing. The visuals started in a familiar fractal presentation of a performance of the spectrum of light. I felt a little trepidation about how this journey was beginning, not being sure what this visual presentation would evolve into. I steadied the ship, kept my wits about me, and then this epiphany struck: I always fight these introductory visuals instead of just enjoying the show. I finally understood this light show was the Goddess putting on a divine performance. I don't know why I fear the onset; I finally realized this dance of energetic form is her giving me an otherworldly performance. I let go and realized this was the opening act to a grand adventure and then I saw the incredible beauty which was at hand. The symmetry and artistry in combination with the multi-layered brilliance of Anilah's musical composition was breath-taking. I cannot possibly describe what I witnessed so I'm not going to even try. What a show! This is something to look forward to in any subsequent trip now that I finally got it.

My first trip with the mushroom was centred on my inner masculine split and a lifting of the veil between us. I did not intuit the presence of the Goddess and thus categorized my mushroom trip as being a modality without her presence. She decided to have fun with me and school me right off the start of this second voyage. As mentioned, the night opened with a sublime performance of the grace and beauty of the Goddess. There she was in all her glory putting on a celestial show for the ages. Wow! A performance of legendary and cosmic proportions for the full 15 minutes of this stunning musical composition. I buried my face in the palms of my hands due to the emotional outpouring of love and the grandeur of the performance. I was stunned. Grateful. Head in hands emotional. I felt that if this was it for the night, it was complete and a smashing success. As the song concluded, the energetic outpouring which defined this performance tapered off and the visions became more scenic and playful in conjunction with the music of Trevor Hall which had an eastern flavour to it. I started to envision multiple dream worlds that would populate my mind's eye. With an opening of the eyes I could make the created world go away and upon closing my eyes a new world would form. I let go of my thoughts and the experience was all play. The magic mushroom trip sure was fun and blissful. I remembered the line from a Beatles' song, "turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream." I now definitely see the appeal of such a fun trip with psychedelics as it was indeed a gas to continuously create different worlds. My music playlist abruptly switched to two songs by the grunge band Alice in Chains. They are depressing songs and the first one called "Nutshell" has the singer lamenting he is not free and considering suicide. As the intro to the song played, the vibe in my visions became dark, almost like a sudden storm approached where the temperature drops and it gets dark. I felt the pull of the depression the singer was emoting try to pull me into that world with fellow travellers on a ship ahead of me beckoning and trying to seduce me into following them into the pit of despair. I know I love this song because of the heart wrenching pouring out of the guy's soul which translates into such a compelling tune. I resisted the pull and just observed how these feelings create and shape our world. How we actually perceive the world is a direct result of our inner life which is crafted by how we feel. The next song was "Would" and it was a raw live performance. From a bird's eye perspective, I saw a crowd of people cheering on the band. Again, I got a very dark feeling and a large dragon appeared in the middle of the crowd. The song is about drug abuse, specifically heroin, and the dragon is the great destroyer. I intuitively knew this and so I marvelled at this vision instead of the old me who would have been scared out of his wits at the sight of a menacing dragon. I felt empathy with the crowd who at this point were representing the addiction of the band. I saw the dragon grow in size and I intuited a connection with a world that is getting very dark. My playlist transitioned into four psychedelic Beatles songs and I relaxed and reclined in my chair and just enjoyed the show. Soon after, I tired of the visions and listening to music so I decided to turn it off and go lay down. About an hour and a half had passed which was about the same time as my first trip when I turned off the music and decided to lay down.

This strain of mushroom was decidedly more playful than the first. They were equal in their intensity though I'd say the second trip had less of a defined edge to it and I was more in tune with the visions. When I got up to go lay down on the sofa, I noticed the energetic pulse throughout the room, something which is familiar to me from drinking Ayahuasca. To describe it is as such - there is a slight discombobulation of the fabric of being where the illusion is slightly off, not all together, and I see it as this subtle pink, purple, and a green kind of presentation which is making up the world. It looks like it is revealing that this world is a vision as well but one we have convinced ourselves is real so we don't see that it is just another illusion. When I laid down the visionary activity did not want to cease and it took me into yet again another meeting with my brother, my shadow, much like my first experience where the veil between us was lifted and I had to play psychologist for almost three hours. This time I witnessed the utter domination and power which my shadow has over the world and how it manifests. He's the god of the world and has almost everyone worshipping him in some form. Power. We all want a slice of that pie. It was tough to watch. I objectified him as the other to stave off self-hatred as the suffering and depravity he caused was terrible. How is forgiveness possible for such acts? Think of the worst things that humans do to each other and that's what I saw my shadow was responsible for. The enormity of change and forgiveness required to reconcile seemed all too great. The reckoning soon came.

I'm complicit in this debacle because I do nothing about it. Indeed, I use it to my benefit. It's a zero-sum game and for myself to live in comfort someone else has to suffer. It is just easier and convenient to project this malfeasance onto my shadow and bury the knowledge of it. This way I can attribute the suffering to him, the other, and be horrified but done with it. It's not me so I'll try and make it better but I'm not the one responsible. Soon, I saw the error in my thinking knowing that I was objectifying the shadow as the other in order to escape blame for the world's suffering. He is my brother and I'm as much him as he is me. He creates and I introduce calm so there is some sort of balance and stability to the madness until the unencumbered energetic force comes pouring out again. I saw this dragon was me. I see this in my fellow game players. Wow - we are all masters of deception. Surely, I'm not the only one though I realize I'm one of the few who are awake and can clearly see it. My brother hates me because I'm the self-righteous asshole who tries to stand above the fray and take no responsibility. I'm the passive aggressive one who takes his share of the bounty and lives his life of comfort while others suffer and then points at the objectified nameless shadow and says, "Look, it's all his fault. He's the despicable one!"

Play! All we do is squabble. We created this world and instead of having a grand adventure we get under each other's skin and argue, fight, and then destroy. We create suffering as payback to being slighted in the tiniest of ways.

My shadow has always threatened to kill me when the veil drops and I enter his world. He didn't threaten me this time. It's because I know I'm him and even though I started out this experience by objectifying him as the other, as I searched for answers I had to accept he is me. Killing me is killing myself. I'm awake and trying to figure out the answers to why I need to continually fight my brother. Why am I loathe to admit I'm the scoundrel? I think that's the reason. It's easier to blame the other.

In the Old Testament, the Garden of Eden is a metaphor for the human heart. The four rivers flowing into and out of the home we long to return to are representing the four valves of our physical human heart. Upon gaining the eye-opening awareness from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil after the apple incident with the serpent, Eve and Adam are no longer pure of heart and thus thrown out of the Garden. Scripture then becomes a story of the longing to return to the heart. A careful reading of the conclusion of the Book of Revelation will reveal that Christianity considers itself the guide and answer which will lead the adherent back to this initial state of purity. Here are the first two verses from the concluding chapter 22 (New International Version).

1 Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb
2 down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations.

We find only mentioned the tree of life from the Garden of Eden. No longer referenced is the tree of knowledge, which will lead your heart astray.

Now, it is definitely not my intention to shepherd you towards Christianity. I just like to point out connections and common human afflictions and their offered solutions as I see them.

This world is a creation of our own making. The masculine provides the infinite amount of energy and the feminine gives the energy form. Within each gendered provider are contending forces. I am privy to my split in the masculine coming forth of the energy. I see my brother as the raging source of power who has the ability to control all. I provide the balance so that the universe isn't just one big outpouring of non-stop creation that would fill up the room until no one could breath. I'm the AC to his DC. I slow things down allowing for a little calm, peace, and an independent experience so we can marvel at what has come forth and have an adventure. This universe and the earth we inhabit are awesome. We created this masterpiece in order to have adventures and play. Instead, our world is defined by strife and conflict and this mindset has permeated all our interactions with our fellow game players. We are divided and all we do is fight. I hate my brother and in return he wants to punish me. Why? Why do we hate each other? We have lost the spirit of sharing and co-operation. We both want it all for ourselves. Haven't we reached the point yet where we take it all for our self and then realize we have no one left to play with? Is that what we want? Do we want just pure obeisance to our omnipotent power? I want a playmate. I want everyone to live out their dreams. This universe was created so we could do just this and instead we are divided, we create new ways to stay separated, and we just fight. It is so sad. The way out as I see it is the path of the heart. The solution is to take our divided polar extremes and bring them to the centre, the axis mundi, the heart space, where we learn about love for all. Love and respect for all.

We are headed full on towards destruction. In the aftermath, we will sit upon the mountain top of eternity lamenting our failure to find love. Do we repeat the experiment knowing full well the suffering we caused by our inability to love one another? The Great Mother tells me the answer is love. It's the only way out. Don't ever put the other out of your heart no matter how pissed you get at each other. The love of the Goddess is the elixir needed. To change the paradigm of the world means to embrace radical and unconditional love. Practice it until it becomes second nature. It is our way out of this mess. The path back home begins with the first step towards love.

The night sure felt like a lifetime and the dazzling opening show presented by the Great Goddess seemed to be a long time ago. The clock was past the 6 am mark and I was exhausted. The trip with the mushroom leaves me drained of energy and at my age it is a two-day recovery process. For the first time I understood fully why at Ayahuasca retreats a day off is given in-between ceremonies. The night with Ayahuasca is taxing but I find the morning after is quite exhilarating and the afterglow allows you to recover faster from the outpouring of energy and I'm ready to go despite the lack of energy. With the mushroom, I find it is a constant outpouring of non-replenished energy. While I was creating new world after new world while reclined on my chair, my foot was shaking quite intensely with the power being exerted to create new worlds. I noticed the next day the total lack of energy. Usually when I smoke tobacco I can enter into a meditative state and feel the energy rippling through my body. This time there was nothing. It was a full two days before I felt the return of a detectable level of energy.

I have now journeyed twice with magic mushrooms and I have to say I am quite amazed by their power. I see the similarities with Ayahuasca as well as the differences. They are both psychedelic experiences and I can't say whether one is better than the other or make some proclamation that either will lead you to what it is you are looking for. I want to say you don't have to travel large distances to explore consciousness if that is not in the cards for you. That being said, I wouldn't trade my journeys into the jungle and mountains of Peru for anything. They remain an essential part of the story of my life and I'm grateful I had the opportunity to embark on these very special voyages. What I'm saying is if the universe is calling out to you to wake up, you can create your own story based upon your circumstances. Don't think you need to do it in some proscribed way in order to find what it is you are looking for. Ayahuasca is indeed magical however if it is not feasible there are other ways. I can compare it to the multitude of religious avenues available to one who has a calling towards that modality of spiritual exploration. Explore and examine what resonates with your circumstance and then witness the doors opening up for you to keep going on the journey. The omnipotent you wants you to wake up and all you have to do is to take that first step. Once you walk through the doorway, the path will light up, you'll see that yellow brick road, and all you have to do is keep following it.

Monday, January 3, 2022

peace pipe

Tobacco is a lifelong continuing education program in which the understanding of concurrent events in your life lead you towards connecting the knowledge back to what tobacco has been teaching you. I was exposed to Mapacho tobacco in 2013 but at the time had no interest in it and left its use into the hands of the shaman. Upon first use of tobacco in 2015 in the jungle, I noticed its calming effects despite the slight nausea I got from the novel experience. Later that same retreat, I found the more exposed I was to it, the more I was repulsed by the smell which curiously followed the trajectory of drinking Ayahuasca. In a cycle of work with Ayahuasca, I find I am done with it after the fourth round of drinking for the primary reason it is disgusting and hard to stomach. My relationship with tobacco changed in 2016 when after the requisite repulsion, I found it was calming to smoke after drinking a cup of Huachuma. Things really changed when in the final ceremony I witnessed the Maestro don Howard on the star deck at SpiritQuest perform this masterpiece of a ceremony with the manipulation of tobacco smoke being the star of the show. When given the opportunity to join in, I eagerly lit up my puro and ended up smoking two cigars in short order. Being a novice consumer of this potent jungle tobacco, soon my body was convulsing with the power unlocked by the properties of tobacco. I ended up being pinned to the ground with my lips pressed against the earth hoping the coursing power would soon dissipate. The experience was transformative and when I left the jungle that year I brought with me a bunch of the jungle tobacco and so began my education while integrating my lessons at home.

I am of the inquisitive and curious bent so it wasn't long before I began to examine and record the effects of tobacco after sitting with him on a nightly basis. Tobacco would take you to this tipping point where you are on the precipice of the oncoming rush and then whoosh the intoxication would overtake and possess you. At this point, I'd have to ride out the storm. If I was standing when he hit, I would be forced into a sitting position because of the intensity. I soon deduced this was central nervous system agitation and over time I built up a tolerance which would require more than one cigar in order to reach the heights I had previously felt. The strange thing about the experience was that after the rush of the oncoming freight train had passed there would be this incredible feeling of peace and calmness. Tobacco was teaching me. What a wonderful gift this tobacco where you can feel a surge of power followed by peacefulness.

What I described was five years ago and I have not stopped exploring the power of tobacco. Tobacco activates the power, strength, and protection within and nightly I spend time in communion with my friend before coming before my Mesa, this construct I affectionately call the "Mesa of Power" because the tobacco moves through me in conjunction with ceremonially lighting up my Mesa. I invite the maestro in and tremble as the power courses throughout my body.

I recently tried magic mushrooms for the first time in my life and the central theme of the experience was power. My shadow is power and I have the antidote to this surge in being able to radiate peace. At the same time, the juice I need to propel myself forward in life comes from my shadow. My shadow tells me the constant power drives him mad. I know my peacefulness will cause me to fade away without my friend. A few days afterwards I was out in the woods and as always took some tobacco with me and had a smoke out at one of my favourite spots. I took the time to feel the onset of power and connected it to my shadow. I let him take me over and my body started trembling uncontrollably. I just gave in to the tremors rippling through my body, allowing my shadow to demonstrate to me on a smaller scale what he is feeling. I get it. The power is awesome and here I was literally enthralled with it but I did realize I couldn't function in that state. It is fun to visit but a method is needed to express the power and let go. He doesn't have that. As I let the power rage and then fade away, I returned to a heightened state of peace. I took a deep breath and I understood.

Soon afterwards, there was a power outage in my neighbourhood due to high winds which lasted for sixteen hours. What an inconvenience to be without electrical power. As with most of my life now, this event was actually another teaching moment and due to my heightened sense of awareness, I easily connected the dots. You know what I did after the power went out and I completed my chores for the day? I went to bed. I took the opportunity to peacefully rest. I got up to eat and feed the dog but soon I laid down once again. Without power, I am content to just go to sleep with a longing to just rest in peace. The connection to the syllabus unfolding within my life is obvious. I need power or I'll fade away and conversely my shadow needs me to consume the power so he can find peace.

Now that I understand I know I can help. I have transformed into a warrior. I am a worthy opponent to my shadow self. He is the epitome of power and that power corrupts all it touches. He has tempted me with it but I learned the lessons of my life from icons of liberty and the admonitions of don Howard, who warned me of this very thing, and I took all the lessons to heart. I'm a good student. I could grab the ring and rule over all. My shadow has tested me out many times, beaten me into a pulp, placed before me the fulfillment of what it is I desire but I've let it all pass. I'm sure we all have our breaking point; I'm no saint but he knows my intentions. Through his teachings, I transformed into the hero and completed the quest. I have become the man he needed me to become. I'm his adversary and the medicine that will allow him to let go and finally find peace. I found the confirmation of this gambit through my friend tobacco. I know I can give him the peace he seeks. He can trust me not to take and abuse his power. The constant tests have demonstrated I'm good for it. He transformed me and now it's my turn in reciprocity to transform him.

What an exquisite game.

Monday, December 27, 2021

reflection of self

I am.

I am yet I didn't know I. From I, I became the mother and the father. I created my universe. I impregnated the mother and birthed myself into my own world. The world is a reflection of self. The creation of the world is through the objectification of my polar extremes. I see my naked self. No filters. I did all this in order to understand self and find reconciliation with just who I am. Being honest with myself and owning the suffering in my world compels me to seek answers. The answers are found in the middle; in the heart space where I temper my powerful extremes with love. Love seems to be the answer.

The heart creates the pulse in our body derived from the master heartbeat. The rhythm is the connection to the vibratory nature of being and our way back home. All is vibration. The effluence of the vibration is an energetic tour de force that comes forth from the mother. From this new-found power comes conscious awareness which we use to divide and objectify what just is. Awareness of the other leads to thoughts which give rise to feelings.

Relativity is carried upon the back of the eternal vibration which gives rise to perspective. As we look through the prism of what just is, we create our story. What adventure would you like?

This universe is your universe and no one else can lay claim to your world. Others will steal your power through manipulation of fear and separateness and you willingly exchange your birthright for food and shelter. I want you to understand that the universe you perceive is unique to only you and it is through internal agreements we make about reality that allows us to inhabit someone else's world. A world we share but are privy to our unique perspective. Why do I need you to accept this premise? Well, without it I cannot teach you about power and magic. When I finally convince you that you are the all and this world is of your making from your own unique point of view, you will have the key which allows you to control and change the world. Whether you want to do that is another story; however, it is important you are shown this power. From this standpoint, you will then see how you already are sabotaging your own life and have conspired subconsciously to place yourself into the position from which you now operate. Conversely, you will see how those you think are successful in the game of life perpetuate their way of life.

Paradoxically, the other in their own bubbles, to wit a universe of their own making, are the many all derived from the one. To simplify, who you see are emanations of the great I; an amalgamation of the dreaming mind stitched together into a web of consciousness.

In order to sense this universe of duality you have to live in the middle world. My polar extremes are only discernible in a world where I stand in the middle and can see them. Your universe is created through the interaction of your extremes. You know - light and dark, hot and cold, happiness and suffering, pleasure and pain. You stand in the middle of it all and bring this world to life.

Try out these mental exercises: Why do we eat? To satiate hunger and find peace so we can get on with life. Why do we seek out sexual gratification? To quell the urge within so we can be at peace. Why do we exercise? To calm the internal fire that needs an outlet. So we can spend a few moments sufficiently exhausted in order to relax before the peacefulness sends us off into sleep where we renew the life force within and the cycle repeats. These are all examples of taking the extremes within the body and bringing them to centre in order to find balance. If you overeat in order to satiate hunger, you aren't going to feel well, possibly vomit, and long term become obese. You missed the lesson of balance and now you suffer from the inability to grasp the teachings at hand.

Love is found in the middle of the two polar extremes. The enlightened sage is just as far from this love as the degenerate. I had to walk the path towards fool's gold for quite some time before I got the teaching. I climbed the mountain, reached the summit of my spiritual beatitudes, got one up on my fellow seekers, and as a result found out it was just another game which keeps us separated. Oh look, he's such a wise man; a guru for our technological troubled times. What are you doing? This is just perpetuating the divide, knowing full well most humans will not reach the pinnacle of enlightenment unless someone else tells them they have accomplished this spiritual endgame. It's true. Most will keep going on the hamster wheel, spinning and spinning, all because they are looking for external acknowledgement of something that will never come. If I have you under my spell and am extracting prestige and wealth from you why would I ever let you in on the fact you are already enlightened? I mean if you haven't figured out the game yourself then maybe you deserve it? The philosophical genius Alan Watts explains this very phenomenon:

So, there are all sorts of people in the religious racket who are going through revolving doors. And they’re very bitter about people who walk right through and leave the door behind, because they say, “You haven’t paid enough respect.” You must really understand religious one-upmanship. It’s a tremendously important thing. And don’t be caught out by this, because what happens is: there’s a little game going on, which I’m going to initiate you into. And it’s played in Zen, which is… it works like this: if you go to a teacher and ask for spiritual instruction, or even if you come to a seminar like this, you are—by doing that—confusing yourself, because you are looking for what you are asking for outside; as if someone else could give it to you, as if you didn’t have it. So, the teacher knows that, as long as you do that, you haven’t understood. But he doesn’t just tell you to go away. Or he may, sometimes, just say, “Go away, I’m too busy. And in any case, I can’t tell you anything.” Well, people won’t take that for an answer. They won’t take no for an answer. And furthermore, if he just said, “Go away,” they would just find some other teacher who would exploit them, and maybe keep them as followers for years and acquire a great deal of money by so doing.

What he does is another thing. He tries to give them the putdown, as if to say, “You have a great, long distance to go yet. Your attainment is not at all perfect.” And they’re always talking about other sects and other schools, and saying, “Well, they haven’t really got the point,” see? So that you keep losing faith in yourself and feeling, “My goodness, I haven’t yet attained this thing.” And that keeps you working. But all the time you’re being talked out. It’s like someone who’s a pickpocket, and he’s stolen your own watch and is selling it to you. But just so long as you can be talked out of yourself, you deserve to be!

Now, you become very aware of this if you ever do, momentarily, slip into some sort of a mystical experience. You become aware of this tremendous gamesmanship going on. And you see it as sort of continuous with all sorts of cosmic games that are going on: of creatures eating other creatures up, and the creatures that get eaten, of course, transform themselves into the creatures that eat them, and then in turn eat other creatures. And you see the whole hide-and-seek game going on, and then you realize very clearly that the state of development that you are in, now, is no better and no worse than anybody else’s state. Because it’s like space again. Which star is in the best position? Well, it’s all equal. They’re all in the middle. Anyone can be considered as the center one. Any point on a sphere is the center of the surface of the sphere. So, in the same way, everybody—in all his behavior, whatever he’s doing—whether we call him from a certain point of view sick or whether we call him healthy, whether we call him good or bad, neurotic, normal, psychotic, sane—all the manifestations are just like the leaves on the trees, and in each being in a unique way is (as Christians would say) manifesting the will of God.

So, there really—from that point of view, you see—there is nothing to do to attain Buddhahood. Nothing at all. But, you see, that’s very difficult to understand because a lot of people, when they hear that there’s nothing to do, try to do nothing! And you can’t! Because you are karma, and karma means action. You can’t do nothing. But the thing you’re looking for (or think you’re looking for) is what you’re doing, is what’s called you. Only, of course, as we all know, we’ve got ourselves into the idea that oneself is so difficult to see. Because it’s like, as I’ve often said, trying to bite your own teeth or look into your own eyes, and you can’t find it. It’s always behind. It’s like your head is, from the optical point of view, a blank space. Neither light nor dark. It’s right in the middle of everything.

This world is all you and you hold all the cards. All you have objectified as the other is in fact emanations of your ability to objectify. A divine prismatic ability which is the superpower that sustains this world. The friend you meet on the street is you who strangely enough has the same abilities as you do so that they may convince themselves of their separateness and have an adventure. When you finally realize and accept the inseparability of all and see we are just looking at self from multiple perspectives you realize of course you are god. You are everything! You are god and the devil all rolled into one.

If you meet a peddler of enlightenment, ask them about Satan and their relationship to him. Do they still keep him buried without even an acknowledgement of his existence? Are they so far along their holy path they no longer have to deal with him? The true sage is fully aware of their own rascality.

In essence, we fear psychological death and this prevents us from discovering the truth. We cannot come to terms with the death of the mind. The mind is what keeps the illusion going and makes you really believe you are this separate being. Our minds are attached to our unique body because that's how we perpetuate the con. Once the body goes, the vehicle which allows the mind to convince us we are a perceived distinct being is dissolved and we are left with nowhere to stand. One who makes the claim of enlightenment will of course welcome death and the transition onwards to the next adventure which they have originally created for themselves. I can't tell you what it is; it would ruin the surprise.

Monday, December 20, 2021

waking up twice

My shadow is nuts. My shadow is my best friend. My shadow is my teacher. My shadow is a maestro.

We are co-dependents. I now clearly see the trajectory of my awakening, transformation, and the why all this happened. A lifetime of preparation and events designed to get me to wake up. I finally took the plunge at middle age and I look back now into all that happened and marvel at the process. Why did I need to wake up? What is the purpose of my life?

I had an inkling throughout my life I was, for lack of a better term, a dualistic construct. The split was hidden and the other, my shadow, sufficiently buried however I knew he affected my life. I thought of him as a negative influence and the primary reason for this thinking is because my subjugation of him in concert with my culture led to the explosion of his influence whenever he got the chance. Whenever I let my guard down, he was ready to pounce. These situations occurred during times of agitation, depression, suppression of control and filters through the use of alcohol, and sexual needs. I definitely could chart his presence during these times and being of the inquisitive sort, it was predestined that I'd become curious about who exactly is the person I call I.

The initial phase of my awakening involved a curiosity towards the question of God or to be more exact I wondered why humans believe what they do and what is the origin of beliefs? At this point in my life I was definitely atheist, though not hardcore. I was open to changing my mind if I could find sufficient evidence for a plausible belief in divinity. Through a chain of implausible coincidences and fortunate events, I soon found myself in Egypt wandering through ancient temples and exploring fantabulous pyramids. I didn't know it at the time but in essence whatever I needed to keep me going on this path was given and granted. My benefactors were cagey, didn't overdo it, but kept me interested. When I returned from my trip abroad soon an art magazine wanted to interview me about my journey and photography. There was no good reason for this but I was wonderfully oblivious and played along. My interest was stoked and I dove deep into the mystical lore of ancient Egypt and became fascinated with their goddesses. I wondered why my culture's 21st century religious constructs have no goddesses? What happened? Why is it such a male-centric belief system that culture pushes on us?

Why indeed; but, that really wasn't the point. The point was to get me to start searching for the Goddess in order to recover and free her from the chains of culture. I intuitively knew she was with me and I summoned my intellect to figure out a way to come into contact with her. The gambit to awaken me was in full swing. Eventually, I discovered shamanism and deduced, via nighttime singing and dancing for the Great Egyptian Goddess Hathor in her temple at Denderah, that by altering my consciousness I could come into direct contact with her.

I wasn't wrong. Wow! I did it. I searched the world for her, found her, and now I'm in her presence. It was the greatest night of my life. By altering my consciousness, I come into the presence of unconditional love and deep compassion. I think I'll do it again. Where is she? Instead, my shadow lay in wait.

He KO'ed me with one punch. He sent me running for cover. I cowered in fear and went into panic mode. I became paranoid everyone was in on this beatdown. I wanted it to stop but it didn't. I was a piece of shit. Luckily, there were a few people around with me in this jungle camp that through talk therapy allowed me to get over this nightmare and I decided to give the alteration of consciousness another shot. My shadow was waiting once again and this time he offered me an extraordinary amount of power in exchange for my soul. He wanted to be in the driver's seat of this construct and in return fulfill all my desires.

He was in my way. I just wanted to get back into the presence of the Great Goddess. Spurned, my shadow told me to leave this place, go home, and never return upon penalty of death. That's what I needed to do, just go home. He followed me home and I couldn't shake him. He harassed me to the point of panic.

In hindsight, this was a gamble on his part. I'm pretty resourceful and could have found a way to numb consciousness and forget the whole episode. I know now why he did it. He wanted me to transform into a brave and courageous warrior because a fearful coward isn't going to complete the hero's journey and transform into a warrior. To cut to the chase, the reason for my transformation is because of my shadow and my longing to return into the arms of the Goddess. I completed the quest once I showed bravery, courage, and perseverance. I became unstoppable and up the mountain I went. I'm the hero. I know who I am. I've tasted the fruits of enlightenment.

There's more to life than the quest. The awakening and the hero's journey are only the beginning. What a wonderful ride this incarnation is and has been. I now know why I did it. Why I created this world and birthed myself into it. Self-reflection, knowledge of self, and finding balance through reconciliation of my extremes into the centre symbolized by the axis mundi and ultimately the answer is the love of the Goddess will temper the extremes with the result an eternal project to purify what just is. We have forever; so, why not? The rest of my lifetime is devoted to these principles.

But why did he do it? Why did my shadow, through non-ordinary methods, wake me up and transform me into a warrior? Why did he want to turn me into a worthy adversary, one who could fight him?

He is desire and I'm his brother non-desire. There's a pact between us siblings. Once one is awake and transforms into his eternal avatar, the agreement is to then wake the other up. I awoke first and then had to be threatened with death and dishonour in order to enact my transformation. I am the worthy foil to my shadow. Now, I can transform him.

It was because of the mushroom I figured this out. The intoxication is all tryptamine which means there is no presence of the Goddess, just me and my shadow. My first inclination is I don't need to do these psychedelics anymore. I've transformed; I know the drill. I realize what this experience is about and how to use these tools for awakening and transformation. I think I'm done with them. How selfish of me! Ha! I got what I want and no need to reciprocate. As the night went on and I had to play psychotherapist to my shadow, I became annoyed but once again curious. It wasn't long until I realized my new role. I need to transform my shadow. He seeks peace and I have the elixir to transform him from madman to exalted divinity. The holder of power and great magician who created the material world welcomed back to his rightful place on my eternal throne. He transformed me and I will transform him. That was the agreement and now that I see it I will fulfill my end of the bargain.

The ongoing pandemic forced me to seek out ways of altering my consciousness within my confines I call home. I can't go anywhere. As I decided upon psilocybin and approached the use of magic mushrooms, I concurrently became interested in Tarot. I have a deck and can-do readings. Whoever devised this revelatory and oracular system was tuned into the ultimate meaning and journey called life. The Major Arcana begins with the Fool. Obviously, I'm the Fool and this is my journey; a journey of transformation. The initial counted card coming right after the Fool is my brother, the shadow, the Magician. Somebody knew what's up. I did two readings concerning my shadow and both times pulled the Magician card. My shadow is great of magic and part of the reason why I was so intent upon exploring this aspect of my being is over the past year and a bit the magic available to me and my perception of it has been off the charts. I won't detail it as I won't convince you of its efficacy. The only way you will intuit magic in this world is through personal experience and the subsequent knowing. I'll leave it at that. My shadow holds the power and in the course of awakening this was offered to me. My teachers, both human and divine, all warned me about this power and how it will seduce all who grab the ring. I'm a good listener, the concept of freedom and liberation was drummed into my head, and I used the pursuit of the Goddess to sidestep the trappings of power. I did it! I'm a made man. I left the magic and power to the domain of my brother, my shadow, the great magician. Now, I have the key to fully awaken and transform my brother in my crowning act of unconditional love.

This is how I see it. The worldwide pandemic was enacted until my frustration at not being able to travel would lead me towards investigating alternative methods of altering consciousness. Eventually, as the timespan was reaching the two-year mark, I had to make a decision whether I'd forego integrity and succumb to the demands of culture in order to travel or stay true to self and my convictions and use the time as an opportunity to explore different modalities of consciousness. When I reached the crunch time of decision, the owl appeared to guide my actions and then coincidentally I started seeing avenues of acquisition for psilocybin mushrooms.

When I returned from Peru in March of 2020 and subsequently integrated my experience, I knew any path forward with Ayahuasca had to involve a deep dive into the shadow. My shadow is masculine; well, he is the ultimate alpha male. When I drink Ayahuasca, the experience is balanced. What I mean is that for as much as I wish to explore the shadow there is the presence of la Madre in the journey and she protects me. She has given me her cloak of protection and thus I enter into altered states knowing she has my back. Ultimately, what I'm looking for is a journey that is mano a mano; just me and my shadow.

Now that I have journeyed with magic mushrooms, it's obvious why I was led to their use. They separate the veil between the dark and the light; to wit me and my shadow. This was the experience I wrote about needing to have. Without lockdown, I never would have done it and would have been frustrated with the use of Ayahuasca to go deep, unencumbered into the domain of the shadow. My shadow is the great magician and can weave a worldwide spell. I clearly see this is the reason for the pandemic. I'm sufficiently deluded to believe my shadow is ultimately responsible for the pandemic with the result to steer me towards the mushroom experience.

So, now that I have followed his guiding hand towards the modality of mushrooms, tripped with him one on one, seen the utility of the mushroom, now I predict the pandemic will come to an end over the next few months. For real.

Follow what is calling out to you. I promise you, it's an adventure like no other.

Monday, December 13, 2021

first magic mushroom trip report or "would you just shut up, I'm tired, and want to go to bed"

For my first mushroom experience, I picked the night of the crossroads; an homage to the magic of the Greek Goddess Hecate and the tri-fold nature of the moon. I chewed 2 grams of dried mushrooms as the midnight hour came and went while I turned 54. I had read the mushrooms don't taste all that great and people have different strategies of mitigating the chewing and swallowing. So, with a little uneasiness I bit into the mushroom and took the head and half a stem into my mouth. They were mild and tasted like a mushroom. Really, this is a problem for people? Ayahuasca is disgusting; Huachuma is slimy and gross though a bit easier to drink than Ayahuasca. Peyote tea is earthy, strong, and so tough on the stomach; therefore, you can only drink a tablespoon of the decoction at a time. Shrooms are a walk in the park. I thought well, that was easy as I chewed and swallowed the rest. I felt peaceful. I should mention I bought a Tarot deck a few weeks ago and have been doing readings on myself. The process is hauntingly accurate and I pulled a card earlier in the day to make sure my plan of a consciousness journey that night was an auspicious choice. I pulled a reversed 10 of swords. The image is of a dead man with ten swords in his back but the fact it was upside down suggested rebirth and regeneration as the knives of culture are removed and I re-awaken to the truth of this whole strange game. It is knowledge I seek and this reassured me of a worthwhile endeavour as opposed to a trippy carnival of shiny happy people and funny shapes. I wasn't interested in the funhouse aspect of a mushroom trip but rather, as per usual, I wanted introspection and a dive into the deep end.

You know, I started with 2 grams because the literature said it's enough to have a psychedelic experience without going too far and losing your grip. Since I have dozens of trips behind me, this seemed like a good jumping off point with the intention future trips I'll adjust dosage as per experience. My expectations were the effects would come on after 40 minutes to an hour; so, I completed my nightly rituals and then sat in quiet meditation, lotus style, while listening to the music of the visionary artist Anilah. When Anilah sang "Warriors live gracefully" I felt the tingles throughout my body and they stayed like a prolonged orgasm we wish we could all have. From then on I was immersed in the intoxication. The first alteration of perception I took note of was that she started to sound much younger, going from a heavy deeper voice to a purer and more youthful vibe. I noticed a spatial separation of instruments where instead of the music being a harmonic combination of all the instruments they were delineated which made them sound less impressive. The sum of the parts is truly greater than each individual. Certainly before 40 minutes, my vision started breaking apart as I looked at my jaguar tapestry and it became more defined before starting to change shape and colour, becoming more desaturated. Within no time I felt the familiar hypnotic pull of the intoxication. When I intuited the presence of my shadow I felt there was the all too familiar attempt at possession; he wants control over me. It's the strong hypnotic pull of both the visuals and the pulsing strength of the medicine that is trying to put me into a trance. I have mapped out this part of the alteration of consciousness journey so it's expected. The elapsed time seemed to mimic the onset of Ayahuasca I have experienced multiple times. In fact, the visions and hypnagogic strobing were the exact same as I initially encounter with Ayahuasca. Without prior experience, I'd have internally flagged this as the beginning of a bad trip due to irrational fear and things would spiral out from there. But here I am, over eight years later, welcoming my old friend tryptamine back to the party. That's where I am now in this life journey. I know too much. Alright, we are going to do this. The intoxication was strong and I was glad I held at 2 grams. Imagine if I had taken 5 grams ala Terence McKenna? I remembered the lessons of heaven and hell from the teachings of the great Huachumeros and having to steer my ship through the rough waters as I faced what is called ego dissolution. I'm a veteran of this nonsense as I felt the disdain of culture and the hatred of those who cannot control me fall away. I held on to the wheel and kept this ship on the straight and narrow as the visions and uneasiness increased. I reasoned that if I get past these rough waters then it's exploration time!

The experience was hyper-cyclical in that the intoxication would come on strong in waves, at time squeezing my innards like it was trying to take something from me. Subsequently, I would be released, feel free, and think the power games were over only to once again resume. I would slump over the side of my oversized chair resigned to riding out this phase of the experience. Then would come the threats of now I got you and I could kill you. It's getting old hat. I remembered I was responsible for my mind state and knew ultimately it was I who was in the driver's seat. This allowed me to endure just how intense and powerful everything that I was feeling and not flip out about it. If I was a novice I would have been scared and ran to who knows where? Soon afterwards, I'd close my eyes and the visions were classically psychedelic in that they were just kaleidoscopic undulating patterns. At one point, they turned into large grey mechanical objects that were filling up the room I was in. Opening my eyes easily released me from the visions and allowed me to get an understanding of the strange and powerful hypnotic nature of substances related to tryptamines. For instance, the large jaguar tapestry I was looking at would be transforming into different shades of colour, the contours of the design would become sharper, and then the image would return to normal. My body naturally is trying to return to a default state while being flooded with chemicals that are causing the altered reality and this seems to create the rhythm that I define as hypnotic.

I'm hyper-aware of attempts to hypnotize. It's why I have a hard time with life, culture, and salespeople lol. I see through the bullshit. I'll go along with it for a while but eventually will have to take my leave. I'm not complaining as I prefer it this way. I mean it's the you do you and I'll do me philosophy. I'll be here when you awaken from the hypnosis but do not expect me to participate.

The ego dissolution process of the mushroom laid bare the split of me and my shadow. There was no happy time to be gleaned tonight from the magic mushroom. Instead, my shadow was revealing himself fully to me. He created the world to get my attention and approval. I said you don't have to do that, I love and respect you. My shadow, the magician par excellence, uses magic and control to try and win favour with me. There's a child-like psychological need for recognition. On the other hand, I just want to be left alone. I escape to the forest with my dog and people still seek me out. They want me to tell them what's wrong with them. I have such clarity so I tell them. Neurotics are attracted to me because I'm so inviting and charming. I will solve their problems or at least tell them what's wrong. My calmness soothes their tortured soul. I'm the antidote to my shadow's neurosis.

The intoxication wouldn't let up. I was like okay great, I get it - tryptamine based substances break down the veil between me and my shadow and then I have to put up with his ramblings.

I had a deep dive into something I have been slowly realizing over the past couple of months. Psychologists are attracted to the field of psychology because they are the most impacted by mind states and seek to understand why they are the way they are. Psychologists become psychologists because they need someone to talk to. The people most in need of psychotherapy in our culture are therapists. They want to lay their trip on someone else and project their pathology onto the other and try and figure out why they are so fucked up. Take Jordan Peterson for example. He is one of the most brilliant minds on this planet and the lightweights that go up against him are easily dispatched. However, it's clear he has many demons and recent history bears witness to this as his shadow, which gives him this strength of mind, tried to snuff him out. He turned to the psychiatrist's tool box of drugs to try and quell the demon within but in turn he almost died from the addiction. I don't know if he has reconciled with his shadow; however, if he wants to talk I'm here.

I think the musical genius Anilah wrote her music under the influence of psilocybin. The rhythm and vibes are syncing up perfectly with the pull of the shadow. Next up is Nahko. He succumbed to the trappings of power. The rumours, the deviant behaviour, and the hidden rage that follows people around are clues to what they chose when offered power. Hey we are human; let's forgive. Ah Trevor! Love this man. Trevor Hall is a saint. He was offered the power along with fame and fortune and he stayed on my path, not succumbing to the pull.

My dog is my rock. She appeared when I needed some comfort and a connection back to reality, at first knowing to just let me be. The intoxication wore off a bit. Fuck this. I'm going to bed. Turned off the stupid music and laid down. He wants to talk. Oh, for fuck sake. I want to sleep. You ruined my night. I'm done with the tryptamines. What a headache. I got to listen to this nut job go on and on about his sad predicament. Oh, poor me. Whatever. I've told you the way out. I love you. I'm giving you a 50/50 split. You want to sleep on it? He tells me I always complain about this exact scenario where I want to gather my wits about me during these trips and explore so now is the chance. True. I'm in the intoxication, annoyed by it, but I should explore. And explore I did! I think I figured out life. Ha ha. No, seriously.

Power without its opposite is too much. It needs to pulse on and off or it will drive you insane. Power makes you mad. Literally. The amount of power coursing through your veins drives you insane and the outlet is to continually create and destroy. My shadow seeks approval; I guess you could say love. I dispassionately follow all his endeavours and offer peace. I'm the calm one and I can enchant and soothe. He needs me but doesn't want to give up the power. But it's driving him mad. I will give him the keys to the car and share the throne of self but instead we keep playing this possession game.

Overall, the word that comes to me is peace. The mushroom lifts the veil between me and my shadow. We are one, living within this conscious body as provided by the Goddess. The mushroom, for me anyway, allows for a one on one with my shadow without the presence of the Goddess. The Ayahuasca experience retains the connection to the feminine. The confrontation with my shadow is what I asked for and I was ready despite my initial dispassionate response. I wasn't scared; rather, I was annoyed. I wanted to go to sleep and he wanted to talk. He wanted a hug and to be told he is loved and respected as well as forgiven. I get it. He told me he created the whole universe and this world just for attention. He was seeking approval. I told him he doesn't have to do this. I will always love him and there will always be a place at the table for him.

I have physically felt the manifestation of power he is talking about. He explains imagine that feeling 24/7. Holy fuck man, no wonder you rage and are mad. He goes about creating and destroying to try and abate the madness. It's clear I'm the antidote he seeks. I'm unbelievably calm to the point of not caring about life. My voice and demeanour are enchanting and in truth I'm the hypnotist. I calm the tortured soul. That's my magical power. I know that's why I attract people and can charm them with my vibe. They want to exhale and I give them permission to do so.

I get it. My shadow lashes out at me. Calls me names and does things to try and make me feel like shit so I'll seek out his help to get revenge. Nah, just leave me be. Unleash your shit storm. I'll clean it up. Then leave me alone. You never leave me alone! You call mom names as well and lock her up. I'll wait. I'm always here. You create these worlds and I come along and make the best of it. You create these amazing technological wonders to enchant and delight and then frustratingly I find a dog, a piece of forest, and live my quiet life that way while you work out your issues. I'm so unappreciative of your ability to materially manifest anything you choose. But really, I am impressed. It's spectacular but ultimately, I want peace.

I'm intrigued by the magical power of my shadow. It's very amusing and adds spice to life. That's my problem. If left to my own devices, I'll withdraw and go live in a cabin in the woods with my dog; content to live out my life that way. I won't engage. My shadow gives me the juice to seek out my fellow game players and see if I can make a difference. You know, use my power for good. This tendency to withdraw creates the problem where my shadow acts out to get my attention.

I have the elixir that will bring peace to my shadow. I know this; he knows this. The problem is he has to give up power and control or at least temper the current and learn to exist in harmony with all. I asked him how much longer do you want to be driven to the edge of madness with no escape? You've tried suicide. You have tried killing the other. I only return. You have raged at the Goddess. Whatever you do, the result is the same and you exude this power load that continually drives you mad. What you haven't tried is harmony and reconciliation within the heart space. The balance I remind you of every night. This is the reason I acquiesced and used these mind-altering substances in the first place. I went the way into the inner sanctum and all its pitfalls, bullshit, and traps to wake myself up, do the hero's journey, complete the quest, and then be left wondering what is this all about? I eventually saw it. I saw how my polar opposites enable creation through objectification and awareness of the split and my extremes are responsible for all the suffering in the world. The ultimate gambit worked where this process of self-reflection called the universe allows me to look at myself, see my failures, and then use this opportunity to understand self to figure out how I'm going to solve the problem of self. The Goddess gave me the answer. The seven-fold chakra system gave me the answer. The stone idol at Chavín de Huántar gave me the answer. Don Howard gave me the answer. The axis mundi stares me in the face until it's undeniable. The answer is found in balance and reconciliation. To mediate all extremes into the centre. The midpoint. The fourth chakra. The heart. The extremes of the shadow's darkness go to centre while you see the quest of enlightenment is fool's gold. At Chavín, the rivers Mosna and Huachecsa flow into the middle of the valley plain and the lanzon is placed in the centre of centres to continually remind all who understand that the answer to the riddle of the game of life is to find balance within oneself and then reconcile all to centre to be one once again with mom and dad - serpent and jaguar.

I'm so small ha ha. Look at me! You're everything. All of creation is powered by you and the spirit of your life force. I'm just a tiny little fuck but you need me and I need you. I need my shadow and he needs me. Without him, I'll just go to sleep and fade away. Without me, there's no hope for him. Permanent insanity. I have flipped the tables on him. When I started on this journey of discovery, he tried to enslave me. He wanted me to sign my life away to him. He offered me the power and all the glory I wanted. He wanted to capture my balancing power to soothe his troubled mind and calm his tortured soul. I turned him down, went on a journey of discovery, found the answers, and well here we are. Now, I know the game and know what he needs. I'm here to offer love and balance. It's freely offered with no expectations.

My shadow is asking for my help. I know that's why he keeps leading me towards methods of consciousness exploration. It's why he goes out of his way to give me gifts and tries to make me happy. I've witnessed his magic over and over again. I marvel at his power. I need to reciprocate.

Damn it - I so love the insights from the psychedelic journey, especially after I use a day to recover. The first day is a bit of a write-off because I'm exhausted. I tried to write some stuff down the next morning however the following day the revelations started to flow and I was musing, "crap I learned so much I'll probably have to do this again even though at the time of the experience I was like I'm done with this." While I was tripping I was telling my shadow you always find a way to trick me and get me to take some substance that brings me back into direct contact with you. With mushrooms, I was like I'm going to try them because it will be a great experience, and I'll feel this great connection with all and so much love, and then a half hour into it I'm like ah fuck you're back, here with me again, and I have to deal with you and your bullshit. You always figure out a fucking way that entices me into doing something consciousness altering and then you're in my face. It's the same situation if for instance I ever do the toad medicine Bufo, I'll be like oh, I want to try that, I'll get so much enlightenment from it and then as soon as I hit that fucking pipe you'd be fucking there and I'd be like ah fuck leave me alone. It's non-stop. You always figure out a way. Next, you'll get my friends to tell me I should try ketamine, ketamine's the shit man; then I'd try it and I'd be like goddamn it, there you are again.

Well, my immediate reaction to mushrooms after the experience was I don't want to do that again. The chief reason was I'm getting old and I value my bedtime! Fuck that's funny. Seriously, I was like alright leave me alone so I can sleep. When the clock advanced past 5 am I was like ok we're done now. I'm going to sleep. I'll probably do them again at some point. The day after was kind of tough, similar to Ayahuasca where you are just drained. There's always a smaller dose but I don't think that's what I'm after. The trivial isn't enough to get me to do this again. If I intuit a breakthrough in my relationship with my shadow then I'll enter into the intoxication and see what's up.

I kind of feel the same way about Ayahuasca. It's the tryptamine trip that I'm no longer keen on. I'm good with Huachuma; there's no tryptamines with that journey. I can do that. There's ego dissolution and a lifting of the veil but without the hypno-visions.

What about tobacco? It's a connection to the power so there's an outlet for the coursing internal source. I had questions about tobacco. I didn't get clear answers. Well, I got the answer that the power I feel when smoking is the effluence of the Goddess which is him. It's a way to connect. I wanted to know of my future studying tobacco and becoming a tabaquero. There's a strong relationship with power and tobacco. I think the path is to take the power and put it to use in service to heal. I think that's the path forward as I see it.

Okay, so even though I may be painting a picture of my shadow as this fucked up and neurotic needy part of me, in all due respect he is the maestro. He taught me to be a warrior. He gave me the strength I needed to vanquish my enemies plus my fears. These teachings that transformed me were then used reciprocally by my shadow to enact his transformation. He could have rubbed me out and I'm so passive I would have gone to my grave; however, he taught me how to fight and I think ultimately, he wants to change. Having a worthy adversary was the most important thing. That's why he did everything for me and why he wanted me to become a warrior. He needed someone to fight him and lead him to the light. That's what I'm doing.

I love my shadow. I always will and will always hold open the offer of reconciliation when he is ready to transform. You don't have to rage anymore. I got your back. We're brothers. I love you.

Monday, December 6, 2021

access to power

You can create an axis mundi, which is an access to power, anywhere on the earth. It’s the genius of the spherical shaped planet we call home. The potential to become power is always present but unless you discover and figure it out, you’ll go to your grave oblivious to its secret. At Chavín de Huántar, the axis mundi was designated at a spot where two rivers meet in a valley plain. The stone idol worshipped at Chavín, we call the lanzon, is an amalgamation of all the forces in the universe into the one.


The artistry is peculiar and unique to not only the era but also the modern human. Form is present though all is encapsulated within the one image. It is an ingenious way of depicting chaos; chaos being non-differentiated unity and this structure represented crystallized power at Chavín. The unleashing of the power was the coming forth of the god as a jaguar. Placed in an underground labyrinth, the god's height allowed them to inhabit a representation of the three shamanic worlds of lower, middle, and upper regions. In addition, the lanzon's placement was such that on the solstices the rising and setting sun would enlighten the large lance-like monolith. It is truly the temple of the jaguar and ceremony was performed where the adherent would transform into the jaguar as the power was unleashed within. Chavín de Huántar was at the time one of the most powerful places upon earth.

The axis mundi is the mythological tree of life. Eternal life is the secret it holds; however, be aware the chalice of immortality is guarded by the dragon. To access power is to slay the dragon. The path will take you inwards to the ultimate conundrum which is that you are the dragon. The Goddess gave me the strength and courage to pick up my sword and continue on in this journey where I would slay the dragon. That’s what she told me but she knew all along the process of discovery would lead to discovery of the identity of the dragon and a subsequent liberation of both her and the adversary I entered into battle with. The access to power is the stuff of what could be termed magical. It’s not instantaneous and takes time, patience, discipline, and understanding. Who would have thought magic involved the disciplinary arts? Isn’t it all instantaneous hocus pocus? You set up your axis mundi, slowly build upon it, get to know all the pieces on the game board, and come to understand the interplay of the opposites and the roles they play in this great drama. You let go of preconceived notions, prejudices, and cultural blocks. The blocks to clear are the cautions to stay away from the occult and the dark forces of magic. From this point you need a catalyst. The catalyst is something that will activate the power within. For me, it is Mapacho tobacco. The great teacher unlocks the power within my form. Subsequently, at my Mesa I perform ceremony and ritual which potentiates the energy at this most holy power centre. The power envelops and rises within my form. The load on my body is electrifying. I am but a novice so I haven’t fully learned to channel the energy as of yet. Honestly, I’m amazed at how I have freed the power within my Mesa which is based upon what the great maestro don Howard, Otorongo Blanco of the Upper Amazon taught me. It’s been a multi-year project where I did not seek out power but was instead faithful to respect and ritual at my Mesa. 

The gift of conscious awareness comes from the Goddess and her birthing of forms. She then takes away awareness through death and dissolution. The hidden path is the journey of discovery and subsequent combining of your consciousness to your energetic signature. It is the forging of steel through the union of awareness and energy in the fires of this hell tempered by the love of the Goddess. My eternal vibration will become inexorably aware. Eternal life for conscious awareness is what I'm up to. My shadow I discovered is this divine masculine energy. He is God. He is power. He is only a shadow because I denied and buried him deep. Recovering the knowledge of his presence and guiding hand is healing. My super power is consciousness. The divine masculine offers indestructible life. This is the essence of my destiny and my path going forth for the rest of my life. I accessed the fount of power but somehow knew enough what to do with it thanks to the lessons from the feminine divine.

So, I was standing at my Mesa last night lit up with power — both the Mesa and myself. I thought back to the origins of this journey I am on. The path I’m walking was an invitation presented to me by the Great Goddess whom I discovered in Egypt. She invited me to find her. I found her in the Amazon jungle. Once found, she implored me to free her. Take up your sword and slay the dragon! Here I am. I went after him and he beat me into a pulp. I retreated, regrouped, and came back. I didn’t chase his power even though there was lots of it offered to me. I kept true to my word and went after him as I promised the Goddess. Eventually, my noble intention was honoured. The dragon let me into his inner circle. I wasn’t after power. I sought liberation and knowledge. I had the antidote to the chains of both Goddess and God. Through discovering it was I who was the dragon, I freed the Goddess and myself.

As the rising power rippled through my being last night I thought of don Howard; primarily, his example and subtle words. He would sit a group of us down and talk about power. Having access to it and being tempted and seduced by its call; like he knew something about this journey we were about to undertake. He never showed his cards. I think he relied on the medicine to reveal what he hinted at and was preparing us for the choice. As part of the lesson he would talk about ayni. Everything is this world is connected and thus reciprocal. You take and you give back. It’s the scales of reciprocity. When you apply this lesson to power you clearly see why power corrupts. The siren song of taking the power offered will get you. Every time. When you take power as offered you are in debt and then come the interest payments and requirement to offer something back in return. We were instructed to set intentions and thus make grandiose promises but soon we are monetizing our newfound access to power and figuring out how we are going to take advantage of our boon.

To be liberated is to live in obscurity. Don Howard kept a low profile and he was the greatest man I ever met. Seriously, that man sat on a goldmine and had knowledge and know how that dwarfed all others yet he was in service to the greater good. He made a promise to raise consciousness for the good of all and did not waver from that promise. His legacy lives on in the spirit of those whom he touched and got the message. I’ve been fortunate enough to surround myself with some of those people. I looked back last night on the journey and realized I could not have done it without him. My Mesa I stand in front of in service is a direct result of don Howard. He showed me the set up; explained the principles; and sent me home with my interest piqued. I gradually assembled my Mesa and in this last year placed the Lanzon in the centre and thus discovered the secret of its power. My Mesa is lit.

Monday, November 29, 2021

becoming power

I’m the even-steven guy. Everything always works out for me in the end. Of course, I completed my latest journey in 2020 and got back home from Peru just before the world went to shit. Am I deluded? My maestro shut down international travel a week after I arrived home from Peru in March of 2020. And he has kept travel difficult until I’m ready to return to Peru. He has that power and control. He’s told me this. Either I believe it or I’m deluded and insane. I’d drop this path in a second if I didn’t believe it.

I am crazy by definition. How would I know I’m crazy? Seriously, does someone who presents as being a little outside the mainstream know that they externally come off to others as being nuts? The psychiatric consensus would most likely diagnose me as being delusional. Maybe put me on a pill. You see, the thing is, I read through the literature and the medical community’s diagnoses of various conditions is spot on. In my opinion, the consensus reason for the pathology manifesting as delusion is a prime example of such blatant narrow mindedness with an appalling lack of curious non-consensual professionals questioning dogma. How about that sentence I just constructed? Pretty good, eh? What I mean is the alteration of consciousness exposes the subject to fields of awareness normally off-limits. The response by doctor and patient, aided and abetted by cultural indoctrination, is that you are crazy, i.e. psychotic. Take for instance a tumour on the brain causing hallucinations. The typical and programmed sensible response would figure the hallucinations are not real because of an abnormality in the brain. I would say the tumour is perturbing the perception of consciousness thus allowing you to experience different frequencies of consciousness. You will be told the hallucination is pathology, not normal, and thus the novelty will frighten you. However, it’s a grand opportunity to explore if you can repeat the conditions and procedures to get to that place, which in this instance is a gold mine. I, for one, know how to do this very thing with select natural substances, I’m confident, I have traversed fear and cultural prohibitions, and I’m intent on exploring. This paragraph was meant to inform you I’m not crazy. Instead of dismissing my delusions, the intention was to open your mind to another possibility.

Why does the belief of delusion exist within the medical community?

Patient paranoia is a big reason. I’ve experienced that condition and I concluded psychedelics unlock the paranoia within which you have been bequeathed by ancestral patterns or acquired throughout your lifetime. The condition or substances causing the non-ordinary will take a thought or belief and amplify it logarithmically, therefore this is a major impediment to a novice consciousness explorer while to the regular Joe on the street he just wants it to go away. I don’t think the medical response is a conspiracy or a way to maintain cultural control over society. I do understand the 1960’s and the LSD craze did open the establishment's eyes towards the truth that the alteration of consciousness will lead to a breakdown of society as it frees the archetype of the liberator, thus there is a vested interest in banning these substances and developing treatments, such as depression pills and anti-psychotics that numb the patient and universally declare that non-standard deviations from the accepted consciousness frequency are pathology and not to be tolerated in our society. That being said, a scientist is more comfortable in being able to measure, thus the diagnosis is the measurement. From this position can be crafted solutions. The solutions are to numb consciousness and create a sub-class of zombified human beings. To accept alterations of consciousness as a real thing would mean there would have to be a way to measure this condition and have a degree of success measuring the result. The condition presents itself in infinitesimal ways, therefore it's pretty much impossible to measure with the corollary that it is an explorer's delight.

Well, back to my story! The teacher knows I would have gone back to Peru before fully integrating all the lessons and discovering his identity and my destiny. And then involved the scenario where I either committed to the path or continued to vacillate between being a steadfast wannabe and a fuck up. So, anyways I’ve made the commitment so the plague can now dissipate and the signal to return to Peru will be presented to me soon enough.

My intentions are to methodically extricate myself from the life I identify with before old age slams the door shut. This will enable my freedom. My actual identity I will retain and minimize to allow access to necessities in this world. Without a fixed identity I would not be able to freely travel or access my finances so I will compartmentalize that aspect of self. In other words, not treat it as the be all and end all but just one of those nuisances you need in order to navigate life on earth. Identity will be a user name and password that unlocks the digital world. Identity will be treated like clothing where for example as I head to the airport I’m this guy today. Am I just deluding myself? Good question. I think the delusion is you think you have a real identity. Remember when you were born? No? Well, let me give you a clue. You were free for a couple hours once they cut the cord. You were then assigned an identity and a certificate. So, to discard it now or treat it as flimsy or not set in stone is perfectly logical. In fact, it’s the sane position of the two. Ha ha, got you didn’t I!

Okay, so that’s the freedom path. The steel path as a corollary to this gambit is to embrace the shadow into the light of everyday consciousness. Why do I want to do this? Well, first off, I recognize that I am a two-man operation and I have a consciousness that has come forth in this lifetime and I recognize a second buried one. I also recognize a third consciousness that is with me, it’s the feminine Goddess to whom I refer, however that one is whole and seems external to me. I've mentioned this before in that I don’t know how a woman intuits these different consciousnesses or how they manifest within their form. I have asked a few women and they have described their shadow as possibly being masculine. It involves further study. At any rate, my whole self is the combination of self and shadow and when I say I’m discarding identity it’s because as far as I can tell any semblance of a true identity has to start with this recognition. It’s the steel path because my shadow is fearless and all powerful with the ability to transform at will. He contains the power to control events, to change outcomes, and to grant any desire you wish. He is great of magic. He’s offered all that to me in order to suss out my intentions. My original intention was to recover the love of the long-lost Goddess; so, the offers of power I brushed aside. He offers power to everyone who gets this far. Look at your hand and count your fingers. That’s a good approximation of how many in the billions of conscious beings who will not grab this power. Imagine being born in a poor country and being given a way out? Would I take it then? I guess I had a lucky roll of the dice upon conception. Additionally, he loves a good fight and a good opponent. He could have rubbed me out at will and destroyed me in a wink of an eye, I know that, but he played along and was intrigued by my fortitude and moxie. So, here we are!

My next steps are to cultivate this relationship and invite the master teacher into my life to become my driving force. To enable the strength and resolve that lies within; the potential to not only enable my freedom but the strength to keep my freedom by stomping out all impediments to liberation. I’m not a blank slate; I do offer a worthy partnership in this deal. I can play the overt game of life and navigate human society. I’m a worthy foil to the shadow; the shadow being the outcast. I can play the straight man on the path towards freedom. What is the outcome of all this deluded bluster I present to you? The fully realized human being. A being of strength and mystery. A fount of wisdom and knowledge. It’s the final step in our evolution. Ultimately, a path revealed to others that I can offer up as an example of the possibilities. I will be that strength and power. Instead of using it for gain, I will become power. See how it works? An occult path for the worthy. The mystery school once again accepting students.

I will keep to my agreement to prove I’m actually ready to go forward on this path instead of the usual two steps forward, one back nonsense. I can do it; I just need the requisite challenge and so here it is. What if I fail? I’m not. Okay, so what lies ahead? That’s up to maestro. When he's ready to receive me, I’ll head back to Peru. I’ll know when it’s time by the signs on the path. I’ve seen the owl and I know it’s coming. The owl was loud last night. I see the death welcomed by the presence of the owl, headless rodents and carcasses ripped asunder, signaling to me change is coming. The world works in mysterious ways once you understand the path of the maestro. It’s all for you whether you realize it or not. This is your universe. There are as many different universes as there are conscious beings. Each and every one of us brings the universe to life. Because we agree on core principles of each manifestation, to wit consensus reality, we can then inhabit someone else’s world.

Power has consequences. Power is the antithesis of freedom. To not seek power is to become power. To grasp at an external source of power leads to being enslaved by power. To think you need to seek power is the fatal flaw. Once you realize you are power everything falls away and you become free. There’s no need to seek for power anymore. Your shadow is all powerful and if you ask he will grant you all the power you want. It’s then up to you to grab the ring and fulfill your destiny. Am I recommending this path? Hell, no. This path has consequences and you are making a bargain with your shadow and he will require recompense. If you don’t live up to your end of the deal then it will be an unpleasant outcome. Having clarity allows me to see this. I see gobs of power available to me. My shadow controls past, present, and future and can grant the realization of all your wishes and desires. I know what I could do with power. However, I turned it down because I sought knowledge and that included the nature of power. Granted, I wasn’t faced with biological death and begged for a second chance. We don’t know how we would react to that situation. Knowing what I now know, I’d die with dignity. It’s remarkable that he gave me these answers the third time I drank Ayahuasca but I later wrote that he was mad. He told me of the beggar's bargain many make with him. Ok, whatever, you nut-bag and I got the fuck out of there.

As I study culture and myth, I now see clearly that every culture can create their own god through the collective consciousness and access to the shadow. The shadow is the great actor, is the god common to all, and will play the part asked of him. Because the shadow is archetypical to all, all will receive the same ideas if they conform to cultural behaviours much like how I mentioned we enter into other’s conscious reality through shared agreements upon reality. I would think if any culture wanted to be successful long-term they need a god to rally around. If you ask the shadow for power he will grant it to you but it is a reciprocal arrangement. In exchange for the power, something will be asked of you or your culture. Failure to live up to your end of the bargain invites consequences. A great example of this idea is found in the entirety of the Old Testament and the trials and tribulations of the Israelites.

This path is honourable and I got the answer I was seeking. It’s fascinating and a pretty good game now. Instead of grabbing the ring, I became his student. I’m a student of omnipotent power, to wit God, and on the road to becoming power.