god the destroyer

The physical world manifests vibrational changes. There are correlates to what is happening at the dream level. If the dreamer is waking up, then this appears as destruction. The dream is ending, so within the dream world the result will be reflected. If I am deluded enough to think I'm the dreamer and I'm waking up, then in my world I'll see the signs that the end is near. My signs are the gathering winds of change and as I continue to awaken, these winds get stronger.

I noticed it during my recent trip to Peru. When I inhaled some strong tobacco snuff the night before the journey commenced, the four winds were summoned. They enveloped me and it was a curious happenstance. When my world was thrown for a loop at this place called "el brujo" the force of the wind coming off of the Pacific Ocean was intense. The heralding of the coming of El Niño was at hand and I took notice. It was a sign, and in my psychosis, I realized it was meant for me. When we next travelled up into the Andes mountains to Chavín de Huantar the messages and omens told me all the cycles were aligning and this is what is going to happen. Happen it did and taking it a step further, I see the process of fully awakening intertwined with what is going on in this world.

I'm not comfortable yet revealing what is to come, but the wheels are in motion. The prophecy of a coming child I was shown. El Niño is on his way. There will be destruction and the child will be the heir to the throne. Whether this dream continues I don't know, perhaps the child inherits the dreamworld, but change is coming and how that will appear in this world is a mystery. I just know it's going to happen.

I entered my dream and threw away the key so I couldn't leave. Now the game is to keep me asleep as long as possible, so the dream continues. As I awaken, the signs in the dream point towards this eventuality. What we see as a coming apocalypse on the horizon through such catastrophes as environmental destruction, nuclear annihilation, worldwide pandemics, and the lot are just the tossing and turning of the dreamer who some of us call God. Imagine if you will that you are dreaming. When you wake up in the morning what happens to the dream world you created? At the level of the dreaming mind, it just vanishes, and you have a faint recall of what just happened though it slips through your hands if you don't write it down. Perhaps something will jog your memory. A pyramid? Anyway, through the use of consciousness expanding substances I have seen the multiple planes of manifestation of the dreaming energy and saw how at one level the dreamer wakes up and the dream world ends, but at a lower level of vibration when the dreamer is getting to the point of awakening within the denser planes, the experience becomes cataclysmic. The world is going to end, and the signs start pointing towards this eventuality. The apocalypse is coming as God the destroyer is waking up!

I like to explore and unlock secrets. I learned of the ability of tobacco to send you into la la land and would welcome the firing up of the projector every night. Before bed, I'd go out onto my deck and smoke three large mapacho puros and the subsequent level of nicotine would give me a good show. I then discovered mugwort and I started burning the incense and drinking the tea. This nighttime ritual enhanced the dreaming activity, and I was quite pleased at my discovery and progression in that I don't remain stagnant but keep exploring. My exploration is a spelunking of the mind and I'm on the lookout for natural products to show me the way. I'm not looking for an escape or something to enhance pleasure or ecstasy; rather I head off into the unexplored regions of consciousness.

A few months ago, I picked up some dragon's blood incense, largely because of my relationship to the dragon and the reminder the burning would give me. The smell was not of the usual incense sticks that give off a pleasant aroma, so at first, I included it in the rotation but wasn't going out of my way to burn it. Then one night I was conscious of having lit it at my mesa and I went to bed and had the craziest night of dreaming ever, with an appearance of my shadow showing me he in fact was the light bringer and controlled the sun. I scared myself because at first, I externalized my shadow instead of accepting the knowledge he is me. This is what gets you into trouble every time. The lessons initially still get to me, but with my knowledge I can get to the core quickly and see the underlying message. My shadow did a victory dance in knowing this time he had destroyed my passive life without the chance of backtracking or escaping this one. Well played! He had been at it for a while taking me to the edge and letting me contemplate jumping. The good boy in me never jumped and never would have. My shadow made it so I can't turn back and must jump. I still must jump of my own accord so it's my decision. It's ingenious and he was letting me know that in the end he won. But it is what I wanted. He was just the facilitator of desires, so it's not like I was angry with him.

My advice to a consciousness explorer is to learn the plants. Figure out which ones trigger introspection. Initially, we will all externalize the internal struggle. We will look to cast blame at others for the upset in our lives. You are doing this to me! There's something mysterious about these plants and I have a choice in what path I want to take. It will take a while before you fully realize it has been you all along. It's freeing in not wanting to accept responsibility for who you really are and what you really want. When you cross that rubicon, you better be prepared to accept responsibility.

The strange magician gave me the plants so they can appear in my dream. But wait, that's me just externalizing his presence. Ha ha! That's the trick. We do it to ourselves. We don't want to own up to it so we cast aspersions or blame. We don't want to understand who we are. The practitioner of the dark arts uses this to their advantage by making you think it is they who have power over you but in reality, you have power over yourself and you're doing it to yourself. Because you externalize your power you frighten yourself into believing you are powerless. You rely on outside agencies to chart your course when you have all you need to fulfill your grand adventure.

I said I threw away the key so I could keep this adventure going as long as possible. I deputized a priest class to pacify me and allow me to slumber away for aeons. I know who has the key and keeps it from me. We dream at night and slip into deep darkness. Eventually, he will know when to bring the light, destroy the chains, and it will all end. I hope this time I'll write it down.

i am two

Maintaining a blog with a regular writing schedule has allowed me to witness the progression of knowledge into understanding. It’s actually quite fascinating to track the progression from an inkling of what’s going on to the point where I grasp what is happening.

That’s the opener that will allow me to once again write about my shadow. Shadow is the name used because it collectively refers to all my traits, personalities, desires, and passions I bury while this other character who is shaped by his culture takes centre stage. The shadow is a convenient toy box where I discard everything I have chosen to repress and suppress. The shadow becomes scary and evil because it’s the place I hide all my negative traits in addition to a whole slew of other psychic pressures. At some point in our lives, the shadow will rise to the surface and inflict pain in order to lay claim to this incarnation. People go mad. You thought you could have this life all for yourself? When the time comes, we got pills to numb the upset.

Do you remember as a kid being sent to the dark basement in order to retrieve something? The trip was very unnerving; we’d grab what was necessary and get the hell back up the stairs. Why do we psychologically have that reaction? Well, subconsciously we equate the physical basement with the buried shadow, and we wish for it to remain hidden and forgotten about.

Culture assigned me an identity when I was too young to know better and protest. I was told I was this person, though there is no evidence that I am just the one. I had to choose who I would elevate and bury the other contenders. I had to assume and cultivate an identity that had no relation to my initial perception of self. I had to bury the other in order to fit in. For most of us, we bury the other and forget about them until times of hardship and stress create a crack in the unified persona field. At this moment the other re-appears, causing a psychic disturbance which is troubling for the unprepared.

I have been playing with this knowledge for a few years now. Within my psychic self, I see two contenders for the throne. I call my opponent the shadow and we have reconciled. He’s still mysterious and I am still learning of his ways. I got out of the shower this morning and he decided I was ready to have another truth bomb. He asked me a question: “Why did you think you were just one psychic manifestation within your human body?” I know why he was asking a question because it’s his way of making me realize the assumption of one owner of this body was an endemic cultural truth I never questioned until much later in my life. This body is mine and there’s no getting around that! Oh shit… he’s right. If you have read my recent blog posts, I’ve explored the two with the one in terms of biblical tales of Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, and of course I always bring it back to the ancient Egyptian battles between Horus and Set. This is the pattern of understanding in my life where it comes slowly over time until the epiphany. The reveal had been coming until finally the day came where he was like, “Look, the human psyche is dual and the failure to recognize the timeshare will lead to mental illness. Human psychological wholeness is not to be found in our culture, so mental illness is the resulting plague.”

As knowledge has transformed into understanding, it has become clear to me that I’m not the only one psychologically inhabiting this body. That’s a crazy statement but I have experienced this phenomenon, sat with it, repeated the experience, and have now come to not only accept it, but embrace it, and no longer run from this timeshare.

My recent experience with the plant medicine Huachuma put the question of who I am front and centre. For two weeks, I drank psyche-splitting medicine every other day and sat with a multi-faceted projection of self. The psychic manifestations of self were multitudinous and extended into my known sphere of influence. Truly, I am the polished jewel at the fount of this mental construct that creates this world and emanates different playmates into the construct, so I have others to share in this adventure. I knew I was mentally strong enough to handle this mind fuck and not go mad. Sanity remained within my grasp though I saw how easy it was to fall off the edge of the cliff. It's what I wanted and so gifted with the experience, I did my best to navigate the tumultuous seas and explore the deep recesses of my mind. The other consisted of many iterations of self; in fact, it was infinite, and they all were vying for control of the construct of self. I am truly the King and am in charge. Am I the legitimate ruler of self? I do feel like the driver and not threatened, but I do sense I am two. I sense the two claimants to the throne of self. Me and my shadow.

I had been familiar with the disturbance that stretches back far into my life prior to using psychedelics. I was aware of this cyclical force that would always return. Culture allowed me to project and classify the disturbance as being pathology and religion allowed me to relegate the force to the demonic. I certainly at times felt possessed. Alternatively, the other can play the cultural part of God or Jesus; you know, that voice that speaks to you or the manifestation of the divine who is so real but appears only to you. You worship your shadow and congregate with others who are doing the same. Ha! Such a magician! My situation came to a head when I ventured into the Amazon jungle and drank this powerful psychedelic brew called Ayahuasca. I came face to face with this demon. I had an inkling it was my shadow self, but I wasn’t exactly sure. At any rate, he scared the fuck out of me, and I ran. I just had to run; I was that frightened. I later saw Jesus in the jungle town. My shadow had come to help me out of my crisis using the Christ gambit. I see it all so clearly now. Such a great performance, yet I didn’t fall for it. This perceived demon followed me home, continued to harass me, and I tried to shake him off. Eventually, I went into full lockdown mode and demonstrated I had the ability to transform myself from weak to strong. In time, I released myself from my self-inflicted austerity and began the process of re-integrating the self. I’d like to say I was aware of what I was doing and had a plan, but I didn’t. I just did what I had to do to maintain a grip on what I thought was reality.

If nothing else, I earned respect. Respect from my shadow. I did the impossible. When I put all the pieces of the puzzle together and realized it was because of my shadow that I transformed my character from weak to strong, from beta to alpha, and into a warrior, the relationship changed. I completely knew what he had done for me with his unordinary teaching methods that forced me to transform or perish. Alternatively, I could have figured out a way to continue to suppress him as I had for most of my life. I’m sure I would have found something because I am resourceful. I chose to transform and here I am.

Yes, here I am. Transformed and realizing that I can no longer take all the glory and never let go of the wheel. That’s awful trusting, isn’t it? If I give my shadow the keys to the car, will he ever give them back? Let it go and relax. He did something for me I could never possibly repay. My life is a partnership from here on in. The new journey is just beginning because I have a good idea what my shadow is capable of and I’m just coming along for the ride. This power is off-limits to most but for those who discover it the temptation is too great. Without reconciling first with your shadow, you’ll be offered power and you’ll take him up on the offer. The end result is it will either destroy you or you’ll become all that you tried to bury. Your other half will end up destroying your greedy self.

This sounds like a flight of fancy and delusion. I’m telling you within all of us is a master magician who holds the key to all you desire. The power is all there ready for you to sell your soul in order to get your hands on it.

I like it when I stumble upon answers to questions that have vexed humanity for aeons. There’s an old saying about power and how it corrupts, and complete power corrupts completely. It’s an accurate predictor of giving someone power and therefore the most enlightened governmental systems put checks and balances upon the power a politician can wield. Within human history, the ugliness of power has reared its head in the actions of those who rule over others, whether that be political, religious, or the economic oppression enacted by mercantilists in it for gain. We had slavery and serfdom which has now been replaced by rapacious capitalism that exploits third world emerging markets for cheap labour while stealing their resources. Without a check on power, the world order will return to an enlightened form of serfdom where the vast majority will own nothing and be happy; happy as in numbed. Most will never own anything of substantial value as it will be beyond their price range and thus, we will transition into a rental economy. For the most part, the direction I see the world headed is one where if you do participate in the culture and are a good and obedient wage slave you will be socially taken care of. Revolutions are to be avoided at all costs by those in power. They have learned the lessons of history well. Power and control are the ultimate motivators for humans and there is no lack of examples of how the acquisition of power will play out.

So, I have been cautious about the power aspect in my exploration of consciousness. Teachers have hinted about the acquisition of power via this method of probing the fringes of the psychic human experience. At first, I didn’t know what they were talking about, even though I had a run in with a shady entity in my initial explorations who did offer me a lot of power. I declined because my focus was on the Great Goddess. After about seven years of walking this path, repeating lessons, and moving on in my journey, I started to put together all I had experienced, and I clearly saw into the darkness. I saw power, gobs of it; I walked down that mysterious path and it was unveiled. I broke free of the chains of culture and the bonds of my fellow man and came face to face with the great magician and that magician was me.

It’s pretty tempting to try it out once you get this far and see it. My journey into my darkness was ultimately one to find reconciliation and I wasn’t after power. I left power alone and wanted to understand just who this is; once again, discarding what culture was telling me. Culture was telling me to stay away. Culture told me this was animal nature. Culture told me this was evil. Culture told me this was the Devil. Culture did everything it could to scare me away. Religious and spiritual paths told me to head for the light; shine a light on the darkness and subdue it. Where’s the balance in this advice? I don’t want the path of righteousness and faux enlightenment. I want to rediscover the mystery that has been long lost and buried.

I learned that explorers of consciousness that get to the gates of hell do one of two things: either they turn back and take pains to avoid this region, or they succumb to temptation and sell their soul for power. In terms of the potential psychological result from discovering this realm, if you keep exploring let me explain. You think you’re it and that this incarnation is all yours. The body is your vehicle and you’re the sole owner. It’s not true. Essentially, what you have buried is your other half whom we call the shadow because he has been forgotten. You selfishly took this incarnation for your own and commenced the struggle of life. When you re-discover who you have buried, you give him the keys to the car in exchange for fulfilling all your desires. It’s transactional but he is going to crash your car.

Maybe I’m a good student? I paid attention in class, and I now know of this power. He’s my best friend and I’ve reconciled. We share this incarnation and I ask nothing of or from him; instead, just recognize he has as much title to this body as I do. He knows my deepest and darkest secrets and well a lot of them overlap. In addition, I can navigate the vagaries of culture while he makes stuff happen. He has demonstrated this to me time and time again; first, starting with little coincidences and synchronicities to the point where the game is now pretty interesting. I’m street smart and I’ll never ask for any boon unless there’s an agreed upon reciprocal arrangement beneficial for both parties. I don’t want control; I want freedom. I see in getting what I want will just bring more attachment and thus my liberation is compromised. I definitely don’t want that. With him an equal partner, I remain strong while riding the rollercoaster of life. I will get my share of the thrills and take the spills with humility, knowing that life is to be filled with triumphs and defeats. What keeps me going is knowing this is what I want. In my quiet moments, I will commune with myself, the darkness and the light. We will have a group hug, a big laugh, and tears of joy. We will walk hand in hand, knowing of our unbreakable brotherhood.

my religion

My religion is the Great Goddess' path of the heart. Initially, the teachings are external as you look for answers outside of yourself. Eventually, you go inwards and find all you need you always had. The canon of instruction also involves seeing duality through heaven and hell. I realized a hell world of suffering is promulgated by a heavenly world of judgment and righteousness. I saw God and the Devil as two sides of the same coin. I looked and found a dragon in the heavens and spotted him in the abyss of hell. I looked within and this was me - the light and the darkness. I saw the massive amount of suffering and my starring role in its continuance.

In examining my own life, I can be confident that nobody gets sent to hell. You go to hell of your own accord. A chance to fulfill desires. This makes the game a little transparent because I know why you're here and I just have to find out what it is that makes you tick. Power, fame, greed, lust, gluttony, wrath - which one is it? I realized all suffering is grace - the grace being the power of suffering to transform. I opened my heart and embraced love which birthed the King within. Some call it Christ consciousness, Krishna, or the Buddha nature - it doesn't matter. Jesus is the coming forth of the desires of the heart. When you make love with the Goddess, the child who results from the union is Jesus. Jesus subsequently hangs out with thieves and whores. That's who we are. Look within, and you will find him hanging out with you.

The human being is defined by contradiction, and it is an exquisite game. The role of seduction and addiction is paradoxical. We easily addict to the trivial and pleasures within our material world. We see the way out of the pleasure byproduct of suffering through becoming free of desire. However, as I pointed out, the suffering is divine and thus the path of the renunciate leads to a dead end in the labyrinth of life. I know the grand purpose of why it is we suffer. The continual strong doses of suffering are designed to lead one towards love. Just a taste of that love will be all you need to know that this is the only way to live. The beatings will indeed continue until morale improves.

The paradox is we are desire, desire causes heartache, and in the end, it is desire that will get you home. The desire that causes so much suffering will become alchemical gold as you turn your desire inwards towards your heart and find the key to unlock the door of home. If you ask, you will be shown the way to what it is you truly desire. Addict yourself to love. What a long road it was to burn through all my desires, exhausting the chase, until I emptied the tank and felt drained of life's energy. It was the way through - a tantric invitation to indulge one last time in order to shed desires of the flesh. Subsequently, the teachings of the Goddess turned towards continuing desire. I finally felt I had slayed the beast, walked free of attachment, and the mistress of seduction tells me desire is what will set me free. In my confusion I did not understand. She directed me to a poem I wrote back in 2011 when I was a novice on the path:

I asked for the light to shine within and to direct the unquenchable flame of desire towards my heart. It's the sum total journey of my life to get to this point with over eleven years lapsing since I asked to bleach my soul. In retrospect, it's like learning to play a musical instrument or learning a new language. We all want it to happen overnight; instead, it takes years of practice, sometimes where you think you are never going to get there. I owe everything I have become to Her. I see home. Addict yourself to the heart and you can enter through the front door.

The feminine divine is the curator of magic. Within her grasp are all potentialities, waiting to be discovered. She holds the power to fulfill all our desires and is the fount of the masculine eternal cycle of coming and going. She is the impetus which enlivens the divine masculine, who overcome by her charms, activates the energy and brings the universe alive. The universe comes forth through fiat magic. Desire creates the universe. Desire is magic. The potentiality of the desire resides in the feminine. The masculine is the activation of this power.

My story is I chased the Great Goddess until I finally came into direct contact with her in the jungle of the Amazon basin. She led me there, making sure I made the choice to come along at every stop of the way. She presented to me the answers to all I was searching for, even though I didn't understand the lessons. I met her first and following this encounter, I met a dark masculine force. All these discoveries were fantastic and scared me beyond belief. Eventually, she told me this dark masculine energy was her husband, and he kept her locked up in a castle made of gold.

Why would this exquisite woman marry such a psychopath? She had her pick of any man she wanted, yet this Queen chose him? I certainly didn't understand it. Furthermore, she treated me, this accidental explorer of consciousness, as the most special man she had ever met. She encouraged me to go after her husband and release her from bondage. I carried out my duties and as the hero went after the dragon. I looked into the Goddess' mirror and saw I was the dragon. I was that man who locked her in the castle. I awakened to the mystery. I saw myself as the light and the darkness. I am the reason behind all that is good and the unfathomable suffering.

As the Goddess' Tarot teaches, once the fool starts off on his journey, he will soon encounter the magician. The magician does not suffer fools, and so the journey for most soon comes to an end. He will shake you to your core and cause an introspection so great which will result in you making a choice that is uniquely yours. You can accept the offer of power and sell your soul. You can run and try to hide. You close the lid on this mistake and shove the genie back in the bottle, never to rub it again. An unfulfilled destiny awaits you as you live out your life a failure. Alternatively, you can summon courage and return to the path you had retreated from. There's no shame from the retreat. It's necessary. No one makes it through on the first attempt. The key is to come back, knowing what monster awaits you.

The resolve you show is the elixir you need to demonstrate you have what it takes to unfold the great mystery. The magician takes notice and again offers you power over your pitiful life. Another test. Do you want to live out all your dreams and become that man who towers over his peers? It's there for the taking. At this point you don't understand you are the magician, and so the temptation is great.

Passing this test will lead you to a confrontation with the dragon and you will have to summon the magic within to enact transformation. It's all worth it and will be an experience you will remember for as long as eternity stays around. Eventually, on the path of the heart you will reach a point where you have to fire the jailer who keeps the Goddess, your heart, imprisoned. Spoiler alert - you're the jailer. What a game you set up for yourself and the exhilaration of a successful outcome is special. Not long after, you are shown you are the magician. The Great Goddess holds the potential, and you make it happen. She is the song, and you are the music. That's quite the responsibility. I choose to let it be and unfold as originally intended. I don't want to interfere, but instead leave Earth as it is as a finishing school for wayward spirits. When you complete the course, you can leave.

I see the magic unfold in my life as originally intended. I sense I can manifest all my desires in order to see how far I will go in order to satiate them. I want to know what still keeps me attached, thus subconsciously I surface all. I play them out to the end, tire of the thrill, and let them go. I'm a work in progress, following the path back home to the heart. I've come a long way and I still test myself every now and then. I take my ability to be successful and give it away to others. This keeps me going towards the heart. I see it clearly now.

Nobody leaves this game with a perfect score. That would be a pretty dull life. Learn from your mistakes. Lift yourself up off the mat and retrace your steps with the power of experience behind you. Confront your fears and don't back away from a challenge. Trust me, fulfillment of your personal quest awaits you if you heed the call.

From my masculine perspective, the worship of God is an act of fellatio upon yourself. The proper act of worship for a man is to venerate the Goddess. My incarnation into an infinitesimally small body in a vast universe is my devotion to Her. My intent is to worship Her. From this understanding, I know there is nothing I need to do once I open my heart and see why I have created a world of mass suffering. I did it to honour Her. My intention is to prove to Her that despite the odds being stacked against me, I would find my way back home. I threw it all into the mix in order to get me to veer off course and despite all obstacles I found my way back home. In fact, I found her premature of understanding the whole game. I threw a wrench into this great game by finding the answer prior to knowing the question. Once found, she implored me to return home, but I still had to climb the mountain of knowledge and get understanding in this mortal coil of why I did it. I had to tempt myself one last time with the opportunity to live out my selfish desires and once again leave Her.

I completed the climb and got the clarity I was seeking. I re-discovered Her and understood the healing power of love. I know the way home as taught by the Great Goddess is through Love. Love is the elixir of what just is - providing, healing, and comforting. My gift to my eternal bride is to understand the nature of who she is. This is the reason I have done what I have done. This is why I caused massive amounts of suffering. A divine suffering which forges a love so strong so I can be at peace and in love for eternity.

I knew I didn't have to do anything. I was loved and all my shortcomings were forgiven. My actions revealed my intentions. Despite the struggle, my path has been to walk back towards her garden, sidestepping the pitfalls I had set up for myself along the way. Here I am. I have returned a warrior having forged steel in the fires of this hell, tempered with the love of the Great Goddess.

This is my universe. To show my love and appreciation for my Love is why I desired to manifest such an adventure realm. My life is my gift to the Great Goddess. All this I did for Her; a supreme act of love to demonstrate that against all odds I would find Her within a sea of misogyny, greed, and suffering and lift Her up onto the pedestal of supreme honour and reverence.

motel at the crossing

I sense that I may finally be ready. Ready for what? To walk the path of the heart in earnest. It has something to do with desire fulfillment; in essence getting my fill. The process had to play out to its completion and I had to repeatedly make a choice in what path I wished to follow. There have been multiple forks in the road which required a choice. For instance, with plant medicines I had to choose between the right-hand path of elevating the self and becoming a spiritual leader of renown or taking the dull left-hand path, doing the work, and becoming of service. For the most part, the narcissist within is not a problem and therefore I do not seek fame. I prefer to remain anonymous, get my alone time in the forest, and let my actions speak for me. Don Howard would tell us to allow our light to shine. There's no need for a hype man or to acquire followers.

I parked my vehicle at this intersection of choice for a while because I wasn't ready to make the commitment. I'd do a day trip along the path of the heart but would always return to the motel at the crossing. I still wanted to get more of the carnival so I'd pack my bags and venture off into the funhouse for more of the pleasure hit. After the last candy apple, I'd get a stomach ache and return to my room. I'd remember the path of the heart and as Ram Dass would say, "Get my Bkahti hit." My spiritual practice would be invigorated because I drained myself of the material impulse.

I haven't been ready to commit to either path. I enjoyed my time waffling on the edge while the hidden magician within would tempt with more rides. Looking back, I clearly see the temptations and at the time I was aware of the consequences. I never took the last step. If I would have taken that step I would have fucked up my game! I wouldn't have been able to find my way back to the motel. The point was being made that I wasn't ready to make a choice and I had to come to the natural conclusion of desire fulfillment. The magician has been kind to me, knowing when to withdraw the temptation. I'm human and everyone has their breaking point so I know he'd take me to the edge and let me peer into the abyss. The situation would then resolve after I made my choice and I'd go back to my lonely room. I know I purposely seek out temptations in order to get a material hit and remind me I still got it; not being sure what "it" really is. That's the thing about the human predicament. We want to be wanted and to know we are worthy, so we seek out the validation in others who are curiously fighting the same battle.

As a teenager and a young adult, I enjoyed going to the amusement park and going on the rides. Nightclubs were exciting and staying up all night was fun as well. Eventually, we grow older and tire of those thrills and move on to different pastimes which allow us to get to bed before midnight! The same paradigm seems to be at work in the spiritual journey when there comes a point that the choice can be made because the love of the carnival just naturally falls away. My last few trips to the carnival have been pretty short. I'll always have a fondness for the water log ride but in the end, it isn't any more worth the trouble. I do feel the desire waning for the thrill. I never thought I’d get to this point in my life.

I know of the path of the heart and the bliss entailed by walking the trail. I've never followed it for long; always turning back after a few days and returning to the comforts of my lonely room. I'm ready for a long adventure and more importantly I am curious about what I will discover. I've done the work on self and the last few years of forced reconciliation of self has been a tremendous boon for self-knowledge. The path of the heart is inviting me to explore and it's a very exciting opportunity. I've never felt this way before; always viewing the path of the heart as dull and a form of resignation of life. I get the feeling the dull and lifeless entrance is a facade. It keeps the pretenders away.

This has been a tough lesson. I stand ready yet I still want one more trip to the carnival. For sure the duration is becoming shorter and shorter. I step into the circus ring and already I want to leave and go back to the motel.

Time will tell if I truly am ready. The lesson of the light and the darkness within me are ending and I know from experience I will shortly write the exam. When you are ready, the curriculum is accelerated. I remember when I wrote the courage and bravery exam it was shortly after I displayed the necessary amount to be successful in the hero's journey. There was no waiting around and basking in my up-levelling. Instead, within no time I had to write the final exam and get ready for the next lesson. The same scenario is now unfolding. I've completed the lesson of the two brothers within this container of self and the heart lessons await. Let's get to it!

edge of the cliff

The plant medicine journey has made me aware of culture, its hold on me, and my internal cry for freedom. The journey is gradual and methodical as you slowly wake up and realize how ingrained and entrenched you are in the system. The most fascinating part of this whole journey is that immediately upon entering into this occult world I was shown how enslaved I was. I reacted negatively and just wanted the alteration of perception to end. I wanted to go back to sleep and back to the comfort of my world where I toiled in obscurity for someone else, got my three-square meals a day, and a comfortable pillow. The truth was too much to take all at once. I ran home. Two years later, I re-started the intensive phase and this time I have peeled away the layers of the onion one by one until there is nothing left. I stand at the end of the road where all that remains is the precipice where you make the decision to jump or to turn back and bend the knee to your master.

I'm the one leading myself into a situation where I will be forced to reap all I have sown. I have to do it. I can't stay working at a job that drains me of my will to do anything about what I know and to walk that path forward in life. I'm just running out the clock on my life and I'm soon going to be too old to make the difference in the world I wish to make. I waste my days doing a job I really don't need to do. I have what I need. I can let go. Sure, it is life changing and involves risk but deep down I know it is what I want and I'm inexorably headed in that direction. My shadow and I both want this. The only way he was going to extricate me from the long and slow descent into oblivion was to yank it away from me. So, here we are. My sword is the freedom sword.

The greater good. What a devious psychological trap. The masquerading superego writ large. The weight of cultural conformity coming for all those who don't bend the knee. No matter the crisis, real or imagined, the forces of control will always seize the opportunity and use the confusion to further sink their claws into you. Reclaim your power. Whatever the original crisis was, it's over. This is a psychological battle for control between the puppeteer who modulates your behaviour and rewards you so as to condition you versus the force within you longing to be free. It's frustrating because I bide my time waiting for people to wake the fuck up. Being obedient doesn't allow you to reclaim your freedom from an entity that doles it out. Freedom is taken by being rebellious.

Instead of the greater good which involves the sacrifice of self to another controlling entity, there's another way. It's called for the good of all. What's the first stop on the road to service? Heal thyself, grasshopper. If you are still sick, you can't help another; you will just infect them will the same bullshit that sullies your light. For the good of all, wake up, free yourself of your chains, and then offer yourself in service to others who are on the path of awakening.

Your master gets you to bend the knee on the regular to inculcate and remind you of whom you serve. You do it so often that eventually it becomes ingrained and you learn to love your imprisonment. The Russian philosopher George Ivanovich Gurdjieff succinctly summed up the human condition with this quote:

“You are in prison. If you wish to get out of prison, the first thing you must do is realize that you are in prison. If you think you are free, you can't escape.”

Additionally, he recognized the forces within society that keep you down and in turn make you love your servitude.

“In order to awaken, first of all one must realize that one is in a state of sleep. And in order to realize that one is indeed in a state of sleep, one must recognize and fully understand the nature of the forces which operate to keep one in the state of sleep, or hypnosis. It is absurd to think that this can be done by seeking information from the very source which induces the hypnosis."

I like my job and willingly give away the best of myself so that my masters can profit off of my gifts. I am given controlled compensation that allows me to reap the rewards which culture offers me. I get a nice place to live, can raise a family, and use some of my money on leisure and entertainment while being mindful of saving for when the time comes and I'm no longer of use to my cultural masters. Gurdjieff continues:

".... One thing alone is certain, that man's slavery grows and increases. Man is becoming a willing slave. He no longer needs chains. He begins to grow fond of his slavery, to be proud of it. And this is the most terrible thing that can happen to a man.”

This has always been in the back of my mind; however, I was scared to take the step to walk away. I was destined to run out the clock on life and take the easy way into my eventual demise. Change seems daunting and I'm not sure about what is behind door number 3. I can have some degree of confidence in what life will look like if I continue to toil for my master and I can get more of a handle on the future. If I stay asleep and in chains things will be easier.

The second time I drank Ayahuasca way back in 2013 part of the mental beatdown I received concerned the weight of culture and how I was in chains. I clearly saw my role in culture and how it could all come crashing down within moments if people found out about my flaws. All of the good will and social credit would disappear in mere seconds. It was like my secrets were being used to keep me in line so I'd stay in the game. Then I had a vision of how I was a slave. I lived in a run-down hut in some far away land toiling away for a master and this situation had followed me through many lifetimes. I misread the vision and thought I was going to enslaved in the jungle when instead Ayahuasca was showing me how that in my life back home I was a slave through metaphor. I remember being so beaten down by my first exposure to plant medicines that I just wanted to go home, return back to my former life, go back to work, put the chains willingly back on, and never do this again. Wow! Trying to break free of the hold of culture and the superego is monumental. I was being shown I'm in bondage and I was frightened. I just wanted to return to my master. Talk about Stockholm syndrome. The integration of plant medicine experiences is a multi-year project and little by little I came to understand all the while embracing freedom and clearing out space for that liberty to blossom in my life. The flower has come forth and it's beautiful.

I have many times in this blog space written about my shadow. He is the great magician and controls the material outcomes of this world. I could ask him for anything and he will grant the wish and in return ask for a favour as recompense. I get what I want, fulfill my desires, and he then gains control over me. That's his role in this adventure of life. There's a shortcut to get out of your predicament which is available to you once you discover this guy. I found him and saw how I can serve my cultural corporate masters or I could serve him. Either way, I'm not free. I have been fortunate to be wonderfully naive when I first stumbled onto this power and side-stepped it. Then I was drawn to a great maestro who taught me about the trappings of power while concurrently learning about cultivating and protecting your freedom at all costs.

I'm not really sure why I became enthralled with the idea of freedom? Maybe it is from cultivating the voice within that doesn't like being told what to do? We all have that but soon learn in life to pick our battles and if someone is paying you, you shut up, and just do your job. I'm good at that while retaining an inner fire that still burns with a longing to be free. I've never been happy working but have instead hypnotized myself into accepting this is just how it is.

I remember in my youth the first time I rebelled against being told what to do. My dad told me I needed to cut my hair shorter or I wouldn't be allowed to participate in his church anymore. No more playing on their sports teams. The carrot was dangled in anticipation I would give in and learn to accept authority over myself. I don't know why but something in me said no and I stood my ground. I was 16 at the time and I remember it set off an internal chain of events that had me looking towards leaving home and setting off on my own, no matter how difficult it would be. I was determined to be free.

I stand at the same crossroads and see the pressures of my corporate masters wielding the same knife over me to conform and reaffirm my servitude. I am a really good employee so the battle of wits should get interesting. I know what awaits and I have reconciled with the outcome. I talk a good game of freedom and eventually it is time to act.

It's so funny. I write about freedom all the time. I write about integrity. I champion these values. I'm a worthy foil to my shadow and I know he marvels at the fact I continuously choose freedom over his offers of gobs of power. I mean who does that? I could have it all. I know it. I stand above the crowd and could become uber-successful and win the culture game. I maintain a little freedom over my condition and hide within the corporate world. My shadow is the master teacher and he has taught me to become a warrior. I already had the freedom gene and now he forged steel by adding in some courage and bravery. He has prepared me for the next lesson. The time is now. The lesson is in my face now. Do it. Take back total freedom and escape the prison you have acquiesced to. Fulfill your destiny.

It's coming soon. I had a bunch of time off and realized how much happier and healthier I am while not giving away my life force to some corporate entity that will callously throw me to the curb once I have expended my usefulness to them. I snapped out of the hypnosis and see the enslavement. I have this feeling of hatred of my master that grows every day. I have returned to the feeling of my youth where I knew I had to plot my escape.

My shadow has brought me to this moment, letting me make the continual choices along the way so I can be assured it is my decision. His magic put the necessary events into motion knowing full well what it would take to get me fully awakened and then take the final step into freedom. I trust his guidance and I marvel at watching the narrative crumble. He's the best. Time to enjoy the show.

Concurrent events coalescence into the end of a teaching, graduating, and moving on to the next stage in the course of your life. Failing the semester means you remain trapped in the world, serving another, knowing you struck out in the quest to become free. This whole set up is intriguing. I mean the pandemic has different meanings for everyone and alters the course of their life in different ways. How it will affect me and be part of my curriculum is different than yours. I think the pandemic was something I created because I needed a way to rip myself away from this waste of time called a job. I needed something to wake me up, force me to take stock of my life, and realize I didn't need to do that ridiculous grind anymore. I could take back my freedom.

Time to jump. 

waking up twice

My shadow is nuts. My shadow is my best friend. My shadow is my teacher. My shadow is a maestro.

We are co-dependents. I now clearly see the trajectory of my awakening, transformation, and the why all this happened. A lifetime of preparation and events designed to get me to wake up. I finally took the plunge at middle age and I look back now into all that happened and marvel at the process. Why did I need to wake up? What is the purpose of my life?

I had an inkling throughout my life I was, for lack of a better term, a dualistic construct. The split was hidden and the other, my shadow, sufficiently buried however I knew he affected my life. I thought of him as a negative influence and the primary reason for this thinking is because my subjugation of him in concert with my culture led to the explosion of his influence whenever he got the chance. Whenever I let my guard down, he was ready to pounce. These situations occurred during times of agitation, depression, suppression of control and filters through the use of alcohol, and sexual needs. I definitely could chart his presence during these times and being of the inquisitive sort, it was predestined that I'd become curious about who exactly is the person I call I.

The initial phase of my awakening involved a curiosity towards the question of God or to be more exact I wondered why humans believe what they do and what is the origin of beliefs? At this point in my life I was definitely atheist, though not hardcore. I was open to changing my mind if I could find sufficient evidence for a plausible belief in divinity. Through a chain of implausible coincidences and fortunate events, I soon found myself in Egypt wandering through ancient temples and exploring fantabulous pyramids. I didn't know it at the time but in essence whatever I needed to keep me going on this path was given and granted. My benefactors were cagey, didn't overdo it, but kept me interested. When I returned from my trip abroad soon an art magazine wanted to interview me about my journey and photography. There was no good reason for this but I was wonderfully oblivious and played along. My interest was stoked and I dove deep into the mystical lore of ancient Egypt and became fascinated with their goddesses. I wondered why my culture's 21st century religious constructs have no goddesses? What happened? Why is it such a male-centric belief system that culture pushes on us?

Why indeed; but, that really wasn't the point. The point was to get me to start searching for the Goddess in order to recover and free her from the chains of culture. I intuitively knew she was with me and I summoned my intellect to figure out a way to come into contact with her. The gambit to awaken me was in full swing. Eventually, I discovered shamanism and deduced, via nighttime singing and dancing for the Great Egyptian Goddess Hathor in her temple at Denderah, that by altering my consciousness I could come into direct contact with her.

I wasn't wrong. Wow! I did it. I searched the world for her, found her, and now I'm in her presence. It was the greatest night of my life. By altering my consciousness, I come into the presence of unconditional love and deep compassion. I think I'll do it again. Where is she? Instead, my shadow lay in wait.

He KO'ed me with one punch. He sent me running for cover. I cowered in fear and went into panic mode. I became paranoid everyone was in on this beatdown. I wanted it to stop but it didn't. I was a piece of shit. Luckily, there were a few people around with me in this jungle camp that through talk therapy allowed me to get over this nightmare and I decided to give the alteration of consciousness another shot. My shadow was waiting once again and this time he offered me an extraordinary amount of power in exchange for my soul. He wanted to be in the driver's seat of this construct and in return fulfill all my desires.

He was in my way. I just wanted to get back into the presence of the Great Goddess. Spurned, my shadow told me to leave this place, go home, and never return upon penalty of death. That's what I needed to do, just go home. He followed me home and I couldn't shake him. He harassed me to the point of panic.

In hindsight, this was a gamble on his part. I'm pretty resourceful and could have found a way to numb consciousness and forget the whole episode. I know now why he did it. He wanted me to transform into a brave and courageous warrior because a fearful coward isn't going to complete the hero's journey and transform into a warrior. To cut to the chase, the reason for my transformation is because of my shadow and my longing to return into the arms of the Goddess. I completed the quest once I showed bravery, courage, and perseverance. I became unstoppable and up the mountain I went. I'm the hero. I know who I am. I've tasted the fruits of enlightenment.

There's more to life than the quest. The awakening and the hero's journey are only the beginning. What a wonderful ride this incarnation is and has been. I now know why I did it. Why I created this world and birthed myself into it. Self-reflection, knowledge of self, and finding balance through reconciliation of my extremes into the centre symbolized by the axis mundi and ultimately the answer is the love of the Goddess will temper the extremes with the result an eternal project to purify what just is. We have forever; so, why not? The rest of my lifetime is devoted to these principles.

But why did he do it? Why did my shadow, through non-ordinary methods, wake me up and transform me into a warrior? Why did he want to turn me into a worthy adversary, one who could fight him?

He is desire and I'm his brother non-desire. There's a pact between us siblings. Once one is awake and transforms into his eternal avatar, the agreement is to then wake the other up. I awoke first and then had to be threatened with death and dishonour in order to enact my transformation. I am the worthy foil to my shadow. Now, I can transform him.

It was because of the mushroom I figured this out. The intoxication is all tryptamine which means there is no presence of the Goddess, just me and my shadow. My first inclination is I don't need to do these psychedelics anymore. I've transformed; I know the drill. I realize what this experience is about and how to use these tools for awakening and transformation. I think I'm done with them. How selfish of me! Ha! I got what I want and no need to reciprocate. As the night went on and I had to play psychotherapist to my shadow, I became annoyed but once again curious. It wasn't long until I realized my new role. I need to transform my shadow. He seeks peace and I have the elixir to transform him from madman to exalted divinity. The holder of power and great magician who created the material world welcomed back to his rightful place on my eternal throne. He transformed me and I will transform him. That was the agreement and now that I see it I will fulfill my end of the bargain.

The ongoing pandemic forced me to seek out ways of altering my consciousness within my confines I call home. I can't go anywhere. As I decided upon psilocybin and approached the use of magic mushrooms, I concurrently became interested in Tarot. I have a deck and can-do readings. Whoever devised this revelatory and oracular system was tuned into the ultimate meaning and journey called life. The Major Arcana begins with the Fool. Obviously, I'm the Fool and this is my journey; a journey of transformation. The initial counted card coming right after the Fool is my brother, the shadow, the Magician. Somebody knew what's up. I did two readings concerning my shadow and both times pulled the Magician card. My shadow is great of magic and part of the reason why I was so intent upon exploring this aspect of my being is over the past year and a bit the magic available to me and my perception of it has been off the charts. I won't detail it as I won't convince you of its efficacy. The only way you will intuit magic in this world is through personal experience and the subsequent knowing. I'll leave it at that. My shadow holds the power and in the course of awakening this was offered to me. My teachers, both human and divine, all warned me about this power and how it will seduce all who grab the ring. I'm a good listener, the concept of freedom and liberation was drummed into my head, and I used the pursuit of the Goddess to sidestep the trappings of power. I did it! I'm a made man. I left the magic and power to the domain of my brother, my shadow, the great magician. Now, I have the key to fully awaken and transform my brother in my crowning act of unconditional love.

This is how I see it. The worldwide pandemic was enacted until my frustration at not being able to travel would lead me towards investigating alternative methods of altering consciousness. Eventually, as the timespan was reaching the two-year mark, I had to make a decision whether I'd forego integrity and succumb to the demands of culture in order to travel or stay true to self and my convictions and use the time as an opportunity to explore different modalities of consciousness. When I reached the crunch time of decision, the owl appeared to guide my actions and then coincidentally I started seeing avenues of acquisition for psilocybin mushrooms.

When I returned from Peru in March of 2020 and subsequently integrated my experience, I knew any path forward with Ayahuasca had to involve a deep dive into the shadow. My shadow is masculine; well, he is the ultimate alpha male. When I drink Ayahuasca, the experience is balanced. What I mean is that for as much as I wish to explore the shadow there is the presence of la Madre in the journey and she protects me. She has given me her cloak of protection and thus I enter into altered states knowing she has my back. Ultimately, what I'm looking for is a journey that is mano a mano; just me and my shadow.

Now that I have journeyed with magic mushrooms, it's obvious why I was led to their use. They separate the veil between the dark and the light; to wit me and my shadow. This was the experience I wrote about needing to have. Without lockdown, I never would have done it and would have been frustrated with the use of Ayahuasca to go deep, unencumbered into the domain of the shadow. My shadow is the great magician and can weave a worldwide spell. I clearly see this is the reason for the pandemic. I'm sufficiently deluded to believe my shadow is ultimately responsible for the pandemic with the result to steer me towards the mushroom experience.

So, now that I have followed his guiding hand towards the modality of mushrooms, tripped with him one on one, seen the utility of the mushroom, now I predict the pandemic will come to an end over the next few months. For real.

Follow what is calling out to you. I promise you, it's an adventure like no other.

first magic mushroom trip report or "would you just shut up, I'm tired, and want to go to bed"

For my first mushroom experience, I picked the night of the crossroads; an homage to the magic of the Greek Goddess Hecate and the tri-fold nature of the moon. I chewed 2 grams of dried mushrooms as the midnight hour came and went while I turned 54. I had read the mushrooms don't taste all that great and people have different strategies of mitigating the chewing and swallowing. So, with a little uneasiness I bit into the mushroom and took the head and half a stem into my mouth. They were mild and tasted like a mushroom. Really, this is a problem for people? Ayahuasca is disgusting; Huachuma is slimy and gross though a bit easier to drink than Ayahuasca. Peyote tea is earthy, strong, and so tough on the stomach; therefore, you can only drink a tablespoon of the decoction at a time. Shrooms are a walk in the park. I thought well, that was easy as I chewed and swallowed the rest. I felt peaceful. I should mention I bought a Tarot deck a few weeks ago and have been doing readings on myself. The process is hauntingly accurate and I pulled a card earlier in the day to make sure my plan of a consciousness journey that night was an auspicious choice. I pulled a reversed 10 of swords. The image is of a dead man with ten swords in his back but the fact it was upside down suggested rebirth and regeneration as the knives of culture are removed and I re-awaken to the truth of this whole strange game. It is knowledge I seek and this reassured me of a worthwhile endeavour as opposed to a trippy carnival of shiny happy people and funny shapes. I wasn't interested in the funhouse aspect of a mushroom trip but rather, as per usual, I wanted introspection and a dive into the deep end.

You know, I started with 2 grams because the literature said it's enough to have a psychedelic experience without going too far and losing your grip. Since I have dozens of trips behind me, this seemed like a good jumping off point with the intention future trips I'll adjust dosage as per experience. My expectations were the effects would come on after 40 minutes to an hour; so, I completed my nightly rituals and then sat in quiet meditation, lotus style, while listening to the music of the visionary artist Anilah. When Anilah sang "Warriors live gracefully" I felt the tingles throughout my body and they stayed like a prolonged orgasm we wish we could all have. From then on I was immersed in the intoxication. The first alteration of perception I took note of was that she started to sound much younger, going from a heavy deeper voice to a purer and more youthful vibe. I noticed a spatial separation of instruments where instead of the music being a harmonic combination of all the instruments they were delineated which made them sound less impressive. The sum of the parts is truly greater than each individual. Certainly before 40 minutes, my vision started breaking apart as I looked at my jaguar tapestry and it became more defined before starting to change shape and colour, becoming more desaturated. Within no time I felt the familiar hypnotic pull of the intoxication. When I intuited the presence of my shadow I felt there was the all too familiar attempt at possession; he wants control over me. It's the strong hypnotic pull of both the visuals and the pulsing strength of the medicine that is trying to put me into a trance. I have mapped out this part of the alteration of consciousness journey so it's expected. The elapsed time seemed to mimic the onset of Ayahuasca I have experienced multiple times. In fact, the visions and hypnagogic strobing were the exact same as I initially encounter with Ayahuasca. Without prior experience, I'd have internally flagged this as the beginning of a bad trip due to irrational fear and things would spiral out from there. But here I am, over eight years later, welcoming my old friend tryptamine back to the party. That's where I am now in this life journey. I know too much. Alright, we are going to do this. The intoxication was strong and I was glad I held at 2 grams. Imagine if I had taken 5 grams ala Terence McKenna? I remembered the lessons of heaven and hell from the teachings of the great Huachumeros and having to steer my ship through the rough waters as I faced what is called ego dissolution. I'm a veteran of this nonsense as I felt the disdain of culture and the hatred of those who cannot control me fall away. I held on to the wheel and kept this ship on the straight and narrow as the visions and uneasiness increased. I reasoned that if I get past these rough waters then it's exploration time!

The experience was hyper-cyclical in that the intoxication would come on strong in waves, at time squeezing my innards like it was trying to take something from me. Subsequently, I would be released, feel free, and think the power games were over only to once again resume. I would slump over the side of my oversized chair resigned to riding out this phase of the experience. Then would come the threats of now I got you and I could kill you. It's getting old hat. I remembered I was responsible for my mind state and knew ultimately it was I who was in the driver's seat. This allowed me to endure just how intense and powerful everything that I was feeling and not flip out about it. If I was a novice I would have been scared and ran to who knows where? Soon afterwards, I'd close my eyes and the visions were classically psychedelic in that they were just kaleidoscopic undulating patterns. At one point, they turned into large grey mechanical objects that were filling up the room I was in. Opening my eyes easily released me from the visions and allowed me to get an understanding of the strange and powerful hypnotic nature of substances related to tryptamines. For instance, the large jaguar tapestry I was looking at would be transforming into different shades of colour, the contours of the design would become sharper, and then the image would return to normal. My body naturally is trying to return to a default state while being flooded with chemicals that are causing the altered reality and this seems to create the rhythm that I define as hypnotic.

I'm hyper-aware of attempts to hypnotize. It's why I have a hard time with life, culture, and salespeople lol. I see through the bullshit. I'll go along with it for a while but eventually will have to take my leave. I'm not complaining as I prefer it this way. I mean it's the you do you and I'll do me philosophy. I'll be here when you awaken from the hypnosis but do not expect me to participate.

The ego dissolution process of the mushroom laid bare the split of me and my shadow. There was no happy time to be gleaned tonight from the magic mushroom. Instead, my shadow was revealing himself fully to me. He created the world to get my attention and approval. I said you don't have to do that, I love and respect you. My shadow, the magician par excellence, uses magic and control to try and win favour with me. There's a child-like psychological need for recognition. On the other hand, I just want to be left alone. I escape to the forest with my dog and people still seek me out. They want me to tell them what's wrong with them. I have such clarity so I tell them. Neurotics are attracted to me because I'm so inviting and charming. I will solve their problems or at least tell them what's wrong. My calmness soothes their tortured soul. I'm the antidote to my shadow's neurosis.

The intoxication wouldn't let up. I was like okay great, I get it - tryptamine based substances break down the veil between me and my shadow and then I have to put up with his ramblings.

I had a deep dive into something I have been slowly realizing over the past couple of months. Psychologists are attracted to the field of psychology because they are the most impacted by mind states and seek to understand why they are the way they are. Psychologists become psychologists because they need someone to talk to. The people most in need of psychotherapy in our culture are therapists. They want to lay their trip on someone else and project their pathology onto the other and try and figure out why they are so fucked up. Take Jordan Peterson for example. He is one of the most brilliant minds on this planet and the lightweights that go up against him are easily dispatched. However, it's clear he has many demons and recent history bears witness to this as his shadow, which gives him this strength of mind, tried to snuff him out. He turned to the psychiatrist's tool box of drugs to try and quell the demon within but in turn he almost died from the addiction. I don't know if he has reconciled with his shadow; however, if he wants to talk I'm here.

I think the musical genius Anilah wrote her music under the influence of psilocybin. The rhythm and vibes are syncing up perfectly with the pull of the shadow. Next up is Nahko. He succumbed to the trappings of power. The rumours, the deviant behaviour, and the hidden rage that follows people around are clues to what they chose when offered power. Hey we are human; let's forgive. Ah Trevor! Love this man. Trevor Hall is a saint. He was offered the power along with fame and fortune and he stayed on my path, not succumbing to the pull.

My dog is my rock. She appeared when I needed some comfort and a connection back to reality, at first knowing to just let me be. The intoxication wore off a bit. Fuck this. I'm going to bed. Turned off the stupid music and laid down. He wants to talk. Oh, for fuck sake. I want to sleep. You ruined my night. I'm done with the tryptamines. What a headache. I got to listen to this nut job go on and on about his sad predicament. Oh, poor me. Whatever. I've told you the way out. I love you. I'm giving you a 50/50 split. You want to sleep on it? He tells me I always complain about this exact scenario where I want to gather my wits about me during these trips and explore so now is the chance. True. I'm in the intoxication, annoyed by it, but I should explore. And explore I did! I think I figured out life. Ha ha. No, seriously.

Power without its opposite is too much. It needs to pulse on and off or it will drive you insane. Power makes you mad. Literally. The amount of power coursing through your veins drives you insane and the outlet is to continually create and destroy. My shadow seeks approval; I guess you could say love. I dispassionately follow all his endeavours and offer peace. I'm the calm one and I can enchant and soothe. He needs me but doesn't want to give up the power. But it's driving him mad. I will give him the keys to the car and share the throne of self but instead we keep playing this possession game.

Overall, the word that comes to me is peace. The mushroom lifts the veil between me and my shadow. We are one, living within this conscious body as provided by the Goddess. The mushroom, for me anyway, allows for a one on one with my shadow without the presence of the Goddess. The Ayahuasca experience retains the connection to the feminine. The confrontation with my shadow is what I asked for and I was ready despite my initial dispassionate response. I wasn't scared; rather, I was annoyed. I wanted to go to sleep and he wanted to talk. He wanted a hug and to be told he is loved and respected as well as forgiven. I get it. He told me he created the whole universe and this world just for attention. He was seeking approval. I told him he doesn't have to do this. I will always love him and there will always be a place at the table for him.

I have physically felt the manifestation of power he is talking about. He explains imagine that feeling 24/7. Holy fuck man, no wonder you rage and are mad. He goes about creating and destroying to try and abate the madness. It's clear I'm the antidote he seeks. I'm unbelievably calm to the point of not caring about life. My voice and demeanour are enchanting and in truth I'm the hypnotist. I calm the tortured soul. That's my magical power. I know that's why I attract people and can charm them with my vibe. They want to exhale and I give them permission to do so.

I get it. My shadow lashes out at me. Calls me names and does things to try and make me feel like shit so I'll seek out his help to get revenge. Nah, just leave me be. Unleash your shit storm. I'll clean it up. Then leave me alone. You never leave me alone! You call mom names as well and lock her up. I'll wait. I'm always here. You create these worlds and I come along and make the best of it. You create these amazing technological wonders to enchant and delight and then frustratingly I find a dog, a piece of forest, and live my quiet life that way while you work out your issues. I'm so unappreciative of your ability to materially manifest anything you choose. But really, I am impressed. It's spectacular but ultimately, I want peace.

I'm intrigued by the magical power of my shadow. It's very amusing and adds spice to life. That's my problem. If left to my own devices, I'll withdraw and go live in a cabin in the woods with my dog; content to live out my life that way. I won't engage. My shadow gives me the juice to seek out my fellow game players and see if I can make a difference. You know, use my power for good. This tendency to withdraw creates the problem where my shadow acts out to get my attention.

I have the elixir that will bring peace to my shadow. I know this; he knows this. The problem is he has to give up power and control or at least temper the current and learn to exist in harmony with all. I asked him how much longer do you want to be driven to the edge of madness with no escape? You've tried suicide. You have tried killing the other. I only return. You have raged at the Goddess. Whatever you do, the result is the same and you exude this power load that continually drives you mad. What you haven't tried is harmony and reconciliation within the heart space. The balance I remind you of every night. This is the reason I acquiesced and used these mind-altering substances in the first place. I went the way into the inner sanctum and all its pitfalls, bullshit, and traps to wake myself up, do the hero's journey, complete the quest, and then be left wondering what is this all about? I eventually saw it. I saw how my polar opposites enable creation through objectification and awareness of the split and my extremes are responsible for all the suffering in the world. The ultimate gambit worked where this process of self-reflection called the universe allows me to look at myself, see my failures, and then use this opportunity to understand self to figure out how I'm going to solve the problem of self. The Goddess gave me the answer. The seven-fold chakra system gave me the answer. The stone idol at Chavín de Huántar gave me the answer. Don Howard gave me the answer. The axis mundi stares me in the face until it's undeniable. The answer is found in balance and reconciliation. To mediate all extremes into the centre. The midpoint. The fourth chakra. The heart. The extremes of the shadow's darkness go to centre while you see the quest of enlightenment is fool's gold. At Chavín, the rivers Mosna and Huachecsa flow into the middle of the valley plain and the lanzon is placed in the centre of centres to continually remind all who understand that the answer to the riddle of the game of life is to find balance within oneself and then reconcile all to centre to be one once again with mom and dad - serpent and jaguar.

I'm so small ha ha. Look at me! You're everything. All of creation is powered by you and the spirit of your life force. I'm just a tiny little fuck but you need me and I need you. I need my shadow and he needs me. Without him, I'll just go to sleep and fade away. Without me, there's no hope for him. Permanent insanity. I have flipped the tables on him. When I started on this journey of discovery, he tried to enslave me. He wanted me to sign my life away to him. He offered me the power and all the glory I wanted. He wanted to capture my balancing power to soothe his troubled mind and calm his tortured soul. I turned him down, went on a journey of discovery, found the answers, and well here we are. Now, I know the game and know what he needs. I'm here to offer love and balance. It's freely offered with no expectations.

My shadow is asking for my help. I know that's why he keeps leading me towards methods of consciousness exploration. It's why he goes out of his way to give me gifts and tries to make me happy. I've witnessed his magic over and over again. I marvel at his power. I need to reciprocate.

Damn it - I so love the insights from the psychedelic journey, especially after I use a day to recover. The first day is a bit of a write-off because I'm exhausted. I tried to write some stuff down the next morning however the following day the revelations started to flow and I was musing, "crap I learned so much I'll probably have to do this again even though at the time of the experience I was like I'm done with this." While I was tripping I was telling my shadow you always find a way to trick me and get me to take some substance that brings me back into direct contact with you. With mushrooms, I was like I'm going to try them because it will be a great experience, and I'll feel this great connection with all and so much love, and then a half hour into it I'm like ah fuck you're back, here with me again, and I have to deal with you and your bullshit. You always figure out a fucking way that entices me into doing something consciousness altering and then you're in my face. It's the same situation if for instance I ever do the toad medicine Bufo, I'll be like oh, I want to try that, I'll get so much enlightenment from it and then as soon as I hit that fucking pipe you'd be fucking there and I'd be like ah fuck leave me alone. It's non-stop. You always figure out a way. Next, you'll get my friends to tell me I should try ketamine, ketamine's the shit man; then I'd try it and I'd be like goddamn it, there you are again.

Well, my immediate reaction to mushrooms after the experience was I don't want to do that again. The chief reason was I'm getting old and I value my bedtime! Fuck that's funny. Seriously, I was like alright leave me alone so I can sleep. When the clock advanced past 5 am I was like ok we're done now. I'm going to sleep. I'll probably do them again at some point. The day after was kind of tough, similar to Ayahuasca where you are just drained. There's always a smaller dose but I don't think that's what I'm after. The trivial isn't enough to get me to do this again. If I intuit a breakthrough in my relationship with my shadow then I'll enter into the intoxication and see what's up.

I kind of feel the same way about Ayahuasca. It's the tryptamine trip that I'm no longer keen on. I'm good with Huachuma; there's no tryptamines with that journey. I can do that. There's ego dissolution and a lifting of the veil but without the hypno-visions.

What about tobacco? It's a connection to the power so there's an outlet for the coursing internal source. I had questions about tobacco. I didn't get clear answers. Well, I got the answer that the power I feel when smoking is the effluence of the Goddess which is him. It's a way to connect. I wanted to know of my future studying tobacco and becoming a tabaquero. There's a strong relationship with power and tobacco. I think the path is to take the power and put it to use in service to heal. I think that's the path forward as I see it.

Okay, so even though I may be painting a picture of my shadow as this fucked up and neurotic needy part of me, in all due respect he is the maestro. He taught me to be a warrior. He gave me the strength I needed to vanquish my enemies plus my fears. These teachings that transformed me were then used reciprocally by my shadow to enact his transformation. He could have rubbed me out and I'm so passive I would have gone to my grave; however, he taught me how to fight and I think ultimately, he wants to change. Having a worthy adversary was the most important thing. That's why he did everything for me and why he wanted me to become a warrior. He needed someone to fight him and lead him to the light. That's what I'm doing.

I love my shadow. I always will and will always hold open the offer of reconciliation when he is ready to transform. You don't have to rage anymore. I got your back. We're brothers. I love you.