fingerprints and snowflakes

We are all unique and as part of this understanding I have come to realize we have all incarnated for as many different reasons as there are varied fingerprints and fallen snowflakes in the world. To be sure, there is definitely a lot of overlap and therefore our journeys do share much in common and we can find others who are walking a similar path. The spiritual path I am walking is unique. I definitely recognized that as I usually do not find commonality with others and their experiences. The cast of spiritual characters I have met are typically the same or of a similar cultural motif, but I find it's my interpretation of the journey differs remarkably. That's a tough one for a human as we wish to find connection with others so we can walk hand in hand. My adventure has largely focused on authenticity and being true to what it is I have experienced.

Another way to look at the human spiritual journey is as such: When you follow a system, such as Buddhism, you are are walking in the footsteps of the Buddha and those that came after him who interpreted his teachings. The corpus that followed is a way for a practitioner to reach a form of enlightenment in Buddhism. This method is Buddha's. He was uniquely ready to walk his path. It probably isn't yours and will lead towards frustration. The template will help but you must look inward to find what it is you are looking for. Your journey will be different from the Buddha and his experience. In Christianity, if you join the church, you are given a set of beliefs, called dogma, that you must follow. Any spiritual insight you may have had up to that point is then surrendered to the authority of the church and your beliefs become homogenized with many others. Your individual journey comes to an end, and you become part of a group. The cultural institution of the church knows of the peculiar spiritual awakening that occurs within humans and is set up to welcome those in the culture who have these revelations. The cynic in me would say the church takes advantage of this situation and attains much power and profit because of the relationship. The trusting part of me says the church is the shepherd which guides the flock towards God.

I consider myself lucky to have always known this in the back of my mind. Even when I was an atheist, I was aware each and every one of us are unique. We walk the earth journey in our own set of shoes, not someone else's. As I became more open to spirituality, I wanted to forge ahead on my own journey of discovery, regardless of culture or inhibitions. I was searching for the elusive truth. Somewhere along the way I discovered I create my own universe and as a byproduct, I create my own truth. In my 15 years of spiritual mania, I have indeed found the truth I was looking for. I can elucidate my discoveries and the cast of characters involved in the unfolding of divine truths. I could set up a religion that is designed for someone to follow in my footsteps and have revealed all it is I have discovered. You can become just like me with all my spiritual knowledge and rewards. Yeah, I'm not going to do that. However, I will gladly talk about my experiences and share my story.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have received a profound teaching. The course involved the re-emphasizing of something I had already known but had let lapse, so the follow-up exam was very effective. Let me see if I can sum up the teaching:

When I treat the world as external, I get scared. When I realize all is a part of who I am, then I accept the world as is and am not scared.

Upon heading out on the intensive stage of my spiritual journey I encountered the light, the darkness, and love. I externalized my journey and so when I came face to face with the sinister, I frightened the shit out of myself and ran. I continued to externalize my adversary for many years, and it served me immensely. This is because in order to get past the fear, I had to transform into a warrior full of courage. My journey wasn't going to get far if I was a coward. Eventually, I became the king of myself, and I ruled my world. At the same time, I started to discover that all I had externalized was in fact within me. This led to a complete understanding that not only was this occult world within my own universe, but it was all me. I am all.

So, when I faced some uncertainty in life and was feeling physically ill, I let my mind run wild and one night I again externalized the darkness within. The master teacher is so very frightening and when externalized he trips you up. If you meet this guy on the spiritual path, he will fuck you up.

I used to do this on the regular when I was a newbie and then uncertainty would pour into my spiritual path. Revisiting this experience allowed me to see fear is the result of separation and externalizing all you are. When you realize it is all you, then of course you feel safe. The corollary is that you are the evil in the world. You initiate and perpetuate all the suffering. It sucks but if you keep walking the path you will see all suffering is grace and is the master tool for transformation. The transformation is designed to allow you to find the path back home. The path back home is to the garden of the Mother. Home is where the heart is, and the heart is love. This is my spiritual path and I'd like to think it is the ultimate in what we seek. My methods of getting there will definitely be different than yours. The labyrinth leads to many places, some are filled with a radiant and blinding light. I'd like to announce my way through the maze is the truth and the way, but I'm onto the game. Others are at different stages and paths on the journey and what is unfolding for them is what they need. It's not my place to direct them to my path if they haven't done the work which will allow them to be successful.

storyline

If you were all powerful, omnipotent, and could make anything happen at a snap of your fingers what would you do? Well, first of all to be in this situation means you have no adversary, no antagonist, no playmate, and you are it. There is nothing else but you. An adversary keeps the drama moving along. Without the antagonist, life becomes settled, we become bored, and wish to shake things up. What’s worse: boredom or depression? I see how constant suffering can lead to depression when you give up. The suffering is intended to give you a reason to fight. To be in the fight is certainly not boring. So, eventually being all powerful you surmise that it would be great to have a playmate; someone who acts independent from self. As a child we seek out playmates, as living within our own imagination only takes us so far before we want some unpredictability. The process eventually leads to gambling all control away for the maximum adventure and thrills. We surrender total control and create a grand game such as the one we are currently playing. The caveat is our tendency to love puzzles and become a seeker of the mystery. We search to discover the architect of the game which in my culture we call God. The seeker who is successful despite all obstacles placed in their path can discover the underpinnings of the mystery. It’s the ultimate quest. Many are called and then subsequently are sidetracked, lose their way, deny the truth of what they are shown, block out the initial information they were given, or don’t have the courage to continue. The secret has been buried and a big sign is placed upon its gateway that says, “Beware! Turn back now.” Those who do keep going either are repelled by attachments, inner obstacles, black magic, or lose their sanity along the way. Only the intrepid hero can enter the dragon’s lair and through courage and bravery return with the secret knowledge.

Prior to even incarnating, we individually create our meaning of life and everyone has a different trajectory to tell their story. Our individual peculiarities and what drives us forward in life are disparate and we pursue our own path thus creating the variety of life. We naturally bury the part of us all that knows all as we come of age. Our imaginary childhood playmate becomes a casualty of culture and in a way, it is predestined because this drama to be of any compelling storyline needs an adversary. The playmate becomes the adversary as we head into adulthood and our friend goes dark. The darkness within becomes the adversary, rebels against parents and societal structures, while chafing at the demands of culture. Nobody likes being replaced. As adults, we blame all our faults upon him and he plays along. Desires we can’t control that bubble up to the surface are not our fault and subsequently are projected onto an external scapegoat. The darkness' trick of hypnosis, an altering of consciousness, is used to make us follow activities that light us up since we no longer play with him. Addictions to stimuli further our spiral into the depths of despair while insecurities keep us in fear of the unknown future which are all devices used to control us. We must learn liberation from the chains of culture plus the bonds of our fellow man and remember to play.

Plant medicines helped me cut the last cord tying me to a story that wasn’t mine. Through breaking free I saw into the game and the drama started to unravel. All along, it was I who created this predicament and I was very clever so that I wouldn’t figure the ruse out this time. I criminalized natural growing plants that wake us up from culture and re-establish a relationship with the familiar spirits of Goddess and God. Basically, I created a world where if you wanted to discover the mystery you might instead get locked in a cage for twenty years. Wow. That’s pretty heavy. I wanted to keep the game of ignorance going for as long as possible.  Make it really difficult this time. I had to travel into the depths of the Amazon jungle, replete with poisonous snakes and roaming jaguars in order to access the elixir I needed. My fellow game players, as in upholders of the life we are told to lead, thought I was nuts. Well done! You wake up from the dream and realize you are in charge. The power accessed becomes another dilemma and you are tasked with figuring out your true intentions. If you are the director of the play where do you want the arc of the storyline to head? It’s tempting to become king of the world and enjoy the fact you figured it out. But I think I’ve been in that position of omnipotence before and that’s why I gave it up. Determinative outcomes are fleeting and only temporarily satisfy before becoming boring and predictable. I don’t want that. I want the puzzle. Yeah, so I solved the riddle but I can still keep it going by not interfering. I can know, yet let things unfold as they may. See where this plays out instead of baking in the successful outcome. I can steer the trajectory of civilization in a different direction to heighten the drama. That seems like a cool twist to the storyline. I think I’ll do that and see where it takes us. Free will is left intact with just a little stirring of the pot by yours truly before I take my ladle out of the brew.

If you seek power the old-fashioned way through skulduggery you will have to make deals in order to acquire it. Sometimes the deals are nefarious or sometimes they are on the up and up. The easy way into power is to do the old Faustian bargain with the devil and as recompense you’ll surrender something of value in return, whether that is your soul or your firstborn or maybe both? Human desires have no hard limits. There is always someone out there who will do whatever it takes to get what they want. Ever notice what people will do for money? How far will you go seems to be the question the devil poses to you.

I remember sitting in an Ayahuasca ceremony and the dark lord was offering me whatever I wanted in exchange for my soul. I could conquer the universe! He had the contract all drawn up. Acquiring power means you are supposed to exchange it for wealth and suzerainty. Culture inculcates the thinking that the game is to acquire as much material rewards as possible. When I refused, he threatened me with death but still I didn’t capitulate. I was only willing to sign if he left me alone and in retrospect that doesn’t work for him so we continued the battle of wits. The whole reason I was on this journey was to discover the secrets of the feminine divine I had come across in ancient Egypt and had no use for this spiritual sideshow of power games I’d uncovered in my dalliance with plant medicines. I was wonderfully naive when it came to the question of power and how much I wanted.

I eventually became interested in this sideshow; the constant darkness that harangued me, scared me, threatened me with death, and chased me home out of the jungle. I kept coming back for more because of the Goddess but eventually in turn I had to deal with this darkness and why it would not leave me alone. The darkness is two-fold. It drives away the weak and makes the strong inquisitive. I never became corrupted by Diablo's power because I wasn’t seeking it. And then I got to stand back, observe it, and connect the dots. Power is the domain of the divine masculine; the great Alpha male. I do not have to seek it out; nor do I have to do whatever it takes to acquire it. No, instead I realized I am him. I am power. I stepped into my birthright and my destiny.

So, what about making a deal with the devil for power? I am power. There’s no deal needed. The irony is you will give up everything you value and cherish to acquire something that is already yours.

I have to now learn compassion and understanding for others. They haven’t seen it yet and so I could easily frighten them or scare them away with my speech. Nothing gives others a creepy vibe more than talk of the occult and Satan. You learn to shroud it in the mysterious and not give away the goods. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink. On this path if they do drink then I have to be a rock for them, guiding them through the experience lest they run, hide, and never return or on the other hand caution them about the pitfalls of power. I sat in this class more than once and listened to the maestro go on about power. First time, I was wondering, "What the hell is he talking about? I'm just here to drink Ayahuasca and have some more visions." Drink enough and the power is palpable and the consequence of your actions is not front of mind unless you paid attention in class.

My shadow friend is wonderfully wily and remains a mystery. Even those that think they can figure out his identity will eventually get sidetracked and will let it be. He hides in plain sight. This is the mystery school and you can see now why the path must remain a mystery. There are levels of knowledge and understanding needed until the great reveal. I wouldn’t have it any other way. In my world, this is what makes it real for me and the path I wish to follow. These obstacles on the path must be faced, whether they be cultural roadblocks or palpable fear. The original understanding of my eventual eternal teacher after the first meeting was one of horror, recoil, and a need to run away from him.

When I get still I can feel the power of my friend and teacher from the shadows. It’s an awesome trembling rising up from my depths piercing through each energetic centre. Little by little, he made his way into the well of understanding and prepared for the reunion. The Goddess taught me love so I think I got this. I’m good. When the lessons are completed, the finals and grading come in an awful hurry. And if you understand the syllabus it all starts unfolding in no time. I stand now at my Mesa and tremble as the god envelops me. I become power. It’s intense and I stand at my Mesa enraptured. I’m going to let the power flow, trust, and await the next step.