Monday, October 26, 2020


If you do not want to be a spiritual hypocrite, you need to get your act together before you start projecting and preaching your light. The crash and self-loathing will come hard if you don’t. It’s okay, we all have our moments where we are pieces of shit. We all have our needs, wants, and desires. If you do not master your desires, they will forever harangue you and influence your behaviour. They will present at the most inopportune times. The spiritual path blueprint, if I were to draw one up, starts at going into the darkness and the depths of your being.

No one wants to do that, we all of course head for the light. I wouldn’t say it’s a shortcut but it is a shiny object on the spiritual path that attracts us like a magnet. It’s a way to be successful in life as it’s the same life game we always play, just transferred onto the spiritual path. We plant medicine users eventually all get a taste of the darkness and call it the bad trip, therefore we develop strategies to avoid a repeat of that journey. Some of us get good at it and others tap out. The result of this behaviour is that we anesthetize the whole experience. Love and light baby!

Plant medicine experiences present the extremes which encompass the love and bliss of an exalted state and the hauntingly dreadful darkness of self. So here’s the thing: The darkness is present for a reason. It’s demanding reconciliation. It offers shortcuts out and this easy power is taken at your own peril because you never end up mastering the darkness; instead you become its puppet. I now have hindsight and I know I made all the decisions one would expect except these ones: I kept my freedom, never took the darkness up on offers of power, nor did I play the holy man game. Being free allowed me to eventually explore this darkness and subsequently I went through its ringer of tests and came out the other side. I know in 2008 I started poking around at the meaning of life and in 2013 I started perturbing consciousness. It’s only now in 2020 that I can say I’ve risen from the depths of self. I have finally mastered self. If I could go back in time that’s what I’d tell myself back in 2008. Master your own inner desires because until you do that you will be a slave to them and it will constantly set you back and for some it will destroy you. That’s the thing about your demons; if you follow them they will end you or make you a monster however they are ultimately teachers. Otherworldly teachers whom we demonize! It’s a bad rap as shouldn’t teachings have dire consequences in order to enable supreme efficacy? If you fail in our society, it’s met by a shoulder shrug, a pat on the head, and a try to do better next time. How about if you fail you lose everything and face death? That’s pretty motivating. The darkness as a teacher is the most demanding and worthwhile teacher I have ever encountered. I misread him for the longest time and treated him as a mortal adversary. In a way, it’s true. He would have destroyed my life or even killed me if I failed and I would have cursed him for this result. Many times he came for me, forced me to do better, to search for answers, until finally I got it.

The spiritual path, when engaged, leads immediately to a pursuit of the light. We strive to become good and shed the selfish behaviours of our past. With the wave of our spiritual wand, all of the dubious traits of our former persona vanishes. With plant medicines it actually does happen. It all vanishes and we go on the trip. We feel good about what we have embarked on and we are radiating our new found enlightenment. When we return home we still have it and we let others know. And then it starts to wear off and we are challenged by our old habits and avenues of misfortune which leads back to the darkness and desires. A taste of the light is intoxicating however to live in that state permanently requires some deep shadow work. There is a need for self-mastery and without it, the cycle of despair will continue forever. High and low. Elation and self-loathing. Light and dark.

We end up hiding our darkness within our new found spirituality, hoping that we can contain it this way. Turning towards the light allows us a reprieve from all those desires we used to chase and we go all in on the spiritual trip. Eventually, they will come back even stronger; they aren’t going anywhere. The only way out is through. Heading towards the light without first integrating the darkness is a fool’s errand. Do not suppress nor try to defeat desire or one up darkness. Instead, the answer is to master the self.

Monday, October 19, 2020

voiding the warranty

I think taking a psychedelic probably voids the warranty on life in our society.

Psychedelics have vast potential to expand the human mind. At first use, I wasn’t ready for it and it red-lined my mind. The fear of what I had discovered was difficult to accept and transcend as culture had spent a lifetime putting one over on me. Once I discarded the fear, the growth of my mental capacities increased exponentially. So much so, I clearly notice it. Age has slowed me down but the difference in mental clarity and perception has made up for it and although I may not have the raw energy and processing speed of youth, the acquisition of a 360 degree mind is incredible. A valid comparison would be the wide angled lens of a camera that allows the image plane to see and record more of its surroundings as opposed to a long lens that is limited in scope. The expansion of consciousness through responsible and impeccable use of plant medicines, allows for a widening perspective of knowledge that in turns allows you to synthesize what you know with new acquisitions of knowledge. This leads to an eventual greater understanding. In time, you develop such an expanded base of understanding that you can easily apply it towards all subjects.

Sound is only sound because we use our ears as instruments that convert certain frequencies into what we perceive as sound. Same goes for the eyes and vision. So, take this idea further and think of the concept of not having any senses or peripherals to convert the energy. Everything just becomes vibration as an informational structure either waiting to be decoded or perhaps being able to be sensed by yourself free of the limitations of the body. Therefore, it is us who really brings this whole construct into order by perceiving it as such and subsequently objectifying the energy patterns we perceive. We then act upon this knowledge. This is also the illusion that imprisons us.

Further ruminating on the concept of vibration: To rest in peace is imperceptible vibration. It means to stop perceiving the vibrations as objects and to just let them flow. The opposite of rest would be a brilliant white light of wide open perception followed again by the darkest dark. The in-between state is the act of becoming on the rise. The descent is a return to the vibrational depths where we let go of our senses. What is it that we seek - becoming what? Peace or Enlightenment? We can find glimpses of both within the body construct which can host extremes of our multi-vibrational forms. We are always becoming. The vast potential lies within the darkness and it's not all bad despite fears to the contrary. Everything that becomes has as its beginnings the cauldron of ideas waiting to be stirred by the existential ladle of consciousness. We are big balls of light energy, lit up by desire; a desire fuelled by consciousness that in default mode objectifies. When you feel it within that you as defined by your energy will rise again, because it is all cyclical, then you can start to discard fear. This is the symbolism: Breathe in and you manifest in the physical world and become someone as form. Breathe out and you rejoin the world of spirit minus the form of a body.

Each instance of this consciousness creates a reality. Every conscious form is an axis mundi that creates reality from its perspective and thus as a whole, consciousness has infinite eyes peering into the nature of the grand self. Everyone’s perception of reality is a little different but given that we all lock to the same frequency, at least in our social circles, we manifest the same reality. Different cultures will lock to different vibrational modalities and therefore will manifest a civilization that differs from the one we are accustomed to. The spectrum is pretty tight, therefore we can co-exist effortlessly within other societies' reality and many of us get sucked quite easily into other people’s worlds. We are all bombarded by the mainstream media and advertisers daily, who are pushing their brand of reality in order to hypnotize and trap us into their frequency with the intent of taking advantage of how easily we migrate from one mind control to the next. Its tentacles reach out for our minds to try and drag us into the quagmire. For the most part, human minds are in search of novelty so the capture of the mind doesn’t last long as we all eventually succumb to attention deficit disorder. Unfortunately for some, the hypnosis can last a lifetime. We do have a choice in how and what defines the reality we are creating. Different frequencies of vibration allow you to alter your consciousness and your perceptions.

This is both a blessing and a curse. Creation is fuelled by desire and us wanting to continue to manifest to taste the new scenarios we concoct in our minds and the chase for the thrill of it. Desire keeps the wheel turning and allows us to continually examine the problem of self. Our fatal flaw is we always get caught up in the drama and forget who we are which fuels the anxiety and depression that are keystones of our existence. Once again, without the amnesia the game loses its lustre. When you wake up and see what’s going on, the game stays fresh because everyone else is still asleep and running around like it matters. It’s very easy to re-enter the game and play along with the knowledge that it is all going to work out.

If we subconsciously know of the suffering that duality entails then why are we attracted to it? It’s for the adventure and having a playmate. Something external to the self that you can love and even hate. There is nothing more rewarding in the universe than love. Duality presents unfavourable conditions to love with the gamble that all can go horribly wrong. The way out is love and is teaching us the answer to all of life’s vexing questions. Duality is made up of conditions where we constantly have to choose and this leads to the need to act unconditionally. It brings to the forefront the question of what exactly is it to be free? No conditions and no coercion, whether that is coming from external actors or internal desires. What is the highest love we strive for? It’s unconditional love; in essence free love. What’s my biggest regret so far in life? That I didn’t love more.

Liberation is to be free from conditions and desire. It involves self-mastery where you are in charge - not desire, culture, or any external actor. It’s a great gift to give yourself and it is the root of all becoming. To attempt to become ultra-spiritual, holy, enlightened, or whatever you want to call it without first mastering your own bad self, will lead to frustration and inner doubts fuelled by what a hypocrite you are. Climbing the spiritual mountain as an ascetic or a renunciate of the passions of life puts you in denial and eventually there will be a reckoning if you do not first run out the clock and avoid the confrontation. The only way out is to go on through. Head into the darkness and embrace all your passions, desires, kinks, worries, fears, and all that you bury. They are ideas that have somehow taken hold of you and won’t let go, as I said we are easily hypnotized into disparate siren songs of behaviours. Smash through theIr grasp and then see how easily you can move from desire to desire. Eventually, you will see how each one irrationally takes hold of you and the damage it causes to your life. Having desires is perfectly normal; beholden to their grasp is not. Life class involves self-mastery and it is through learning to master your desires you become free. When you destroy the power that the desire demons hold over you then you are liberated and may embark on whatever path you choose, knowing full well that you are acting unconditionally.

Monday, October 12, 2020

my muse

The best games and thrills are the ones where you let go of control. And the ones where two eternal familiars disguise knowledge of their acquaintance and convince themselves they are strangers. You search and find the connection again, not even knowing what you started off looking for. Once you repeatedly find her and are on to the game, then you start putting out the vibration that reveals you know. You find her hiding everywhere.
There’s no mistaking her presence when I alter my consciousness. However, the feminine presence encountered in an Ayahuasca ceremony isn’t necessarily the same monolithic energy, even with the knowledge that in fact she is the mistress of transformation. The manifestation of the feminine in ceremony consistently presents within the role of women in this created world and my life. The roles in ceremony are pretty much as advertised: maiden, mother, and crone. This division is found in the mythology of our heritage in the threefold nature of the Greek goddess Hecate.

I obviously identify the maiden with my soul mate because of the intense attraction which belies this connection. As the Goddess she is highly, nay I say insanely erotic, due to a resonance of the energy between us. There is also a mother who is nurturing and grandmother who is full of wisdom and healing. She appears in other forms as well; sometimes to terrify, enchant, or teach. I have also encountered her as a serpent and a jaguar; with the serpent representing the wave vibration that creates creation and the feminine jaguar being complementary to my masculine self. The mother is the mother of all and she is the one common to all drinkers of Ayahuasca.
I find her not only in ceremony but also in everyday life. She has always been in my presence although I couldn’t see it. I fall in love with her over and over again. The thrill of the chase and discovery is too strong. Giving in to the passion will satisfy the urge but the result is the flame will die out. We have played it out many times. There’s no escaping it so on we go, fooling ourselves into thinking we are strangers, perhaps fated once again to meet and fall in love.

Monday, October 5, 2020


Desires we all have and left unchecked they will motivate and control your actions. Eventually, you will become a puppet and slave to desire; it's built into the system, system being culture. For the player of the game of life, they are a challenge beyond compare and for those with the foresight to see it, a teaching tool. Master your desires, lest they master you. They will amp up the game to what you desire and always require more. If you wish to increase the stakes and face your destruction, then it’s game on! Ultimately, the best way to learn is to face adversity and the optimal way to grow is to head into the darkness of self. Living at the top of the mountain, bathed in light, is a great experience for sure but in the end it will make you soft. Renunciation and asceticism are a cop-out. I know, I tried it and found out those desires you tried to run from were always waiting for when you fell. It’s no fun knowing deep down you are a hypocrite. There was no transcendence of my own bad self; instead I just put off the inevitable reckoning. What a difficult struggle and psychological predicament. I couldn’t shake the demons though I wanted desperately to rid myself of this curse. What to do? The frustration was beyond anything I had ever faced.

The darkness always gets its turn; the desires of life always return. They follow the timeless pulsation of life, so be ready for it, study it, and when the time comes you become the master instead of the puppet. Facing your desires is the greatest teaching tool because you realize it’s life and death. Seriously, think about it. Examine your desires and the pull they have on you and how if you fall prey to them they will drag you down into the dumpster and kill you or alternatively to realize desires of power and wealth you will have to step on others and stomp them out to reach that goal. I won’t give you an example here but just let you sit with this idea. Think of your greatest desires and play them out to where they are leading you and what it will entail. The greatest teacher has to raise the stakes. You can deny this is the case for only so long until the day comes when the last step is before you. Will you snap out of the hypnosis or double down?

Chasing desires are a form of hypnosis in that when you break free of them and become the master you look back and realize your behaviour was being influenced by a pull that was not exactly rational, not to say that actions always have to be rational. Culture leads you towards desire fulfillment but also makes you suppress natural desires. You essentially become a puppet of culture and some play the fame and fortune game it pulls us towards. Our gastronomic fantasies are waiting to be fulfilled and will entrap those with a predilection towards mouth pleasure. Alcohol is available to bewitch those easily addicted to escapism. The seedy side and outcasts of society exists to feed the suppressed sexual and pharmacological desires.

In relation to desires, I was meditating upon purpose again. Fundamentally, there is no purpose or meaning to existence. It just is. There is nothing you need to do; nor do you need to save yourself. You are eternal and will continue on in the journey. Don’t worry about annihilation. However something still nags at me. You see, I have incarnated and I am faced by these challenges. I need to overcome these desires or perish. It’s a peculiar situation related to where life on earth currently stands. As a species, we have solved a lot of the food and shelter problems as long as you participate in culture therefore there is ample time to ponder purpose and chase desire. I still look within and wonder: I could be better; I could level up and master my humanity. A good parallel is my employment. I have mastered it. I know it and nobody has to tell me I have. There is no doubt. Imagine transferring that mastery to life? I know the scope is much larger but it is a lifelong project and really what else do I have to do? Why not?

I have taken note that we all have wants, needs, and desires, no exceptions, and I know personally I have been a slave to my desires. A lot of times, it’s all or nothing. I could drink a cup of coffee in no time flat. A bottle of beer used to disappear fast. Buy a big chocolate bar or a big bag of chips and within no time I’d eat the whole thing. I could discipline myself to make these occasions treats, however once involved there would be a head first dive into the situation. I always held back a bit from the temptation of going full on into hedonism. Was it shame, health concerns, or my own way of keeping things fresh and balanced while holding back something to look forward too?

Another thing I’ve noticed is the need for always more. One bottle of beer isn’t enough. I stopped drinking over seven years ago because I realized where that was headed and if I ever wanted to accomplish anything in my life I’d have to give up the stultifying effects of alcohol. It wasn’t hard to do and I had no desire to go back to that lifestyle. With other desires and habits, I see the same demand of more to feed the demon or fetishize the pleasure. We humans are so easily hypnotized into behaviours. We are weak.

My spiritual journey of over a decade has been pretty rewarding. Facing fear head on was huge and coming out victorious is pretty special, especially when I was faced with being a coward and being stomped out. I’m a jaguar, a warrior, I have courage, and I’m not weak. I know it deep down in my soul. I have strength and will take on all. I feel like I’ve been through the fires of incarnation in a process to forge steel. If anything, that has been the purpose of my life. Transcending limiting behaviours and growing into the ultimate jaguar warrior has been a goal. Albeit an unconscious goal at first that takes a lifetime but here I am post middle age knowing I’m on that path. 

The most challenging teacher as the catalyst for this transformation has been the darkness that lies within. The Hindus in their chakra system of Rāja yoga, call it the base Muladhara chakra and it's where you will find the great Sri Ganesha.

The power from this base chakra is what animates our existence and is in the bowels of our being, with a connection to excretions. When I went to Peru early this year and drank Ayahuasca, the first ceremony took me deep into my darkness. The vision was one of a toilet and the depths of this hell. What a direct metaphor! I’m constantly amazed at the visions and their meanings which gives me months, and years, of a challenge to unravel the symbolism, teachings, and relationship to my journey. The teacher has put me to the test and challenged me to go deeper into my addictions, taunted me, threatened me with death, and hounded me with my desires. As long as the ganas, Hindu desire demons, controlled me the spiritual beatings would continue. It took me a long time to get the upper hand on all of it. It was a relentless battle, full of constant failure but when I finally won I pretty much knew it immediately. It’s that intuitive knowledge of mastery I related earlier about work. 

Another name for the great Ganesha is Ganapati, which basically means lord of desire. Ganesha is the master. He appears with his fat and satiated belly and a bowl of sweets, reminding you of desires and our western seven deadly sins. He is the master of the ganas and they are desires placed in your path to teach you. The renunciate, sitting atop the mountain in his asceticism, has fled from them thinking he can run out the clock on desire. This school of life involves mastery and it’s a serious game. You must master your desires it you want to become the ultimate warrior.

I have had a massive realization concerning the darkness I have dealt with all my life and the darkness I have faced when I have altered my consciousness. At first, I feared this realm and the entity that inhabited it. I ran from it. I returned and I faced up to it. I was threatened, challenged, avoided it, watched it come back, and realized I could never transcend it. Most importantly, I kept at it. Once I had the courage, I became curious and inquisitive. I have been relentless, though a little guarded. Anyways, I am at the point where I finally realized something amazing. It’s a huge test of strength and courage. Fear will constantly challenge you and get you if you are weak. It will run you into the ground and turn you into a cowering mess and even try to kill you. It’s definitely not something for the timid. I get it now. On this path, most come to a fork in the road: Stop and take the path back to safety and give up the seeking or head right to the light, climb the spiritual mountain, and become holy and righteous, though somewhat intolerable. Nobody sees the hidden path on the left or they pay no mind to it. It’s dark, uninspired, unpaved, and full of obstacles. Keep going where the path heads into the dark and carve out the path no one dares to tread, or if they do they get lost or seduced by power. I’ve been there, survived, and I know the darkness within respects me because I have courage, resolve, and I see it for what it is. It’s the ultimate challenge and it’s where you will find the greatest source of available inner fortitude and strength. It’s unassailable. I stand at the ready to claim my inheritance. The last hurdle in my way, bent on destroying me, I have defeated. I’m ready now.

If there can be ascertained a purpose to life then this has to be it; well in the case of my coming forth in this incarnation as a member of the masculine polarity. I finally mastered my desires before they decimated me. It was a helluva battle. I feel so strong right now. I can’t rest on my laurels or accomplishments. I’m heading into that darkness and exploring. You see no one has ever done this. Those who touch and engage in a dalliance with the darkness are the insane and depraved. I’ve declined the offers of power and defeated the onslaught of the army of my own making. I’m unencumbered, free, and taking notes.

Suicide, insanity, depravity, and paranoia. Going into the darkness of one’s self is pretty much up there with having a cage match with a shark in an underwater arena. And you have no scuba gear. You are going to get knocked around, bloody and beaten. Sometimes we foolishly venture into the ring and other times life beats us down into the depths of despair from which we can’t escape. The all-encasing suffocating despair is deadly. What I’m trying to say is the darkness either kills or psychologically alters you forever. I fall into the fool category and I saw it and I ran. It profoundly affected me psychologically to the point where I had to fight back and then muster the courage to face it once again. Something though happened along the path and I discarded the fear. I was still gun shy though about the whole return. Eventually after levelling up to embrace the jaguar and become a warrior, I traced this stunning evolution of self back to the darkness. I understood it was the master teacher. This readies the student to now go further.

Our western concept of a demon involves thinking it is evil. It represents those behaviours and desires that haunt you. The devil made me do it. Desire led me to this behaviour. It’s an antagonist and adversary bent upon your destruction. Look at it another way and find the truth. These evil spirits are your greatest teachers. So great they will kill you if you ultimately fail the course. Best to drop out than continue on this path.

Go into the darkness, embrace the riddle, as here the mystery lies. You can't bypass the darkness. Running from fear, owns you.

In the battle with the adversary within, at one point he offers the shortcut to power. Most will take it; it’s the easy way. Power acquired this way has consequence. Giving into desires and accepting unearned power reveals instantly you aren’t worthy. It’s a device used by the master teacher to discover your true intentions. Power will only not corrupt when wielded by someone who has attained self-mastery and will not give in to the temptation to use the power to fulfill desire.

It’s warrior training school to transform you from being weak into a forged block of strong steel. The darkness within can become your ultimate ally and source of unmatched inner strength and fortitude. The only catch is it doesn’t suffer weaklings. You will be put to the test and want to run and hide. He will keep coming for you, especially once challenged. It’s the fight of your life. You can back down and go cower in the corner and hope he doesn’t come for you and end it. If you can muster the courage and stand up for yourself, take the punches, and fight back you’ll earn respect. It’s not over. Forging steel is tough work. The jaguar comes to check out its prey and see if you are willing to fight. You’ll still think of ways to transcend the darkness, give it up, and become pure and holy. Fair enough but that was your chance. Hardly anyone makes it this far as something sidetracks or gets you. If you keep going eventually you’ll realize it. You can never transcend the darkness but you can harmonize it with the light. Only then do you get let in on the secret. A vast reservoir of strength and power lies in the darkness.

The fight of my life is over; I’m through to the other side. My weaknesses I have moved passed. I can navigate my inner word now with impunity and am free to explore this gift.

I’m not sure I can teach this to others. It’s hard to recommend, embrace, or explore something that can kill you. That’s better left to individual choice. Counsel can be offered and hints provided of what lies within however everyone has to make their own choice whether they want to pursue it. The pitfalls are too serious to take responsibility for someone’s choice. And I think the only way through is by yourself. I’ll can lend you a flashlight.