monsters and the devil

Do you believe your story?

Yes.

Then that's all you need to do.

You are the chief fool.

It's because I'm a genuine fool, that's the secret.

If you aren't genuine, then you can only fool them for so long.

If you live with them, they will figure you out quicker.

I don't stand out in a crowd until they take a second look.

If they take the bait on second look then they get hooked.

They run my profile through their head and think finally they have landed the big fish when I was the one fishing.

It's a game of "go fish" where you want to be the fisherman.

Fisherperson.

Once hooked things start to unravel.

The only thing unravelling are their expectations and projections.

They thought they'd have control of me and then they saw it was not possible.

I think that's a good summary.

Mary Jayne is coming on strong.

It's Dion.

He's taking over.

The Devil has tricked you and will take you over.

Do you become a killer?

Crazy?

Offender?

You're powerless to stop him.

Yes.

If he takes over in your youth, then you get a bad result.

You must wait until later in life when people start to think of retiring.

You gave power to your darkness.

Others are preparing for old age and death.

I'm different.

I'm wise.

I have a container I put things in.

Experiences I can handle.

I handle all this and get the meaning behind everything.

If you take too much, you'll get a really dark meaning to everything.

I see Dion and the writer behind the meaning.

It's not dark.

It's a story within the flow.

A strong wind hit me.

The wind is like the darkness where it is conjured up out of nowhere.

The wind just blows in.

You can't handle dark Dionysos in your youth.

He will turn you dark.

You wait for the older Dionysos.

Youthful Dionysos is a little much.

The rambunctious males will choose the younger Dionysos.

I waited and chose the older version even though he constantly pressured you.

You waited.

I passed the test though I always had him in me.

He's too devilish in your youth.

Now, he is refined.

More of a fool.

Young men aren't fooling anyone.

You can fool.

You mean you, not me.

You're in charge.

I'm watching it go down.

I'm not going against my conscience.

I have a sense of my moral limits.

Yeah, they are good.

It makes a strong container for Dionysos.

In your youth you haven't figured out your conscience limits.

It's easier for the darkness to take over.

Altering consciousness in your youth gets you to these questions before your time.

You got to them in your wise years.

The sirens are blowing.

I know I'm out there.

So, in your youth Dion is the Devil?

Yes.

What is he later in life?

A cool dude.

There's an understanding now.

You are two, and you take turns with Paul.

You always struggle with the two and you stay in balance with that method.

This lesson could be scary.

You handle all these classes.

You still have the Devil in you.

Yes, it's me.

You can handle it, so here I am.

You are the writer.

I'm a character.

Only the writer is the writer.

Creator.

Everything you do is right because the writer is you.

Yes, I know, but I don't see what he writes until it happens in the now and by then it's in the past.

The magic of the pen is writing in the future.

Yes.

Do scientists and witches know this?

Yes.

They can't get there.

Only the writer can be in the future.

Why?

That's what he wrote.

Of course, it's the writer.

Who tops the writer?

Not the Devil.

Doesn't the Goddess have the idea?

Yes.

She doesn't top me, we are balanced.

Eros is the idea in the future.

She has Eros.

You write it down.

This whole idea is Eros?

Yes.

He's nothing without parents.

His parents come after him.

Yes, he is out of control.

No, I mean there is Eros and then chronologically his parents come afterwards.

Yes, he's from the future.

To get to the future you must become your desire.

Yes, so some witches get to the future with lust.

What do you get to?

The goat.

Women are trying to take that power from you.

What?

The power to write.

Emasculation.

True.

They do it by going into the future.

You hang out with Eros in the future.

They know how to get there and take your lust.

You are sure this is the writer and not the Devil?

Pretty sure.

Not positive?

Never go all in.

I learned that lesson.

Unless you want the game to end, then go all in.

In the ritual I confused Dionysos and Eros.

A lot of people do so when they are young.

You still do when you are older, but you see it.

Yeah, it's funny but it works for a man.

Whenever Dion appears, it is with Eros.

It's a fool.

That's why you saw a goat.

I get that.

You two work together.

We are friends.

Best friends.

Touching moment in the story.

Your best friend has been captured by an evil witch.

What will you do?

Nothing.

Our friendship has no expectations.

Eros will trust I write a story for two best friends.

The dog story.

Yes.

You two.

With Luna and Brindle.

Yes, us 4.

I see where this is heading and it's uncomfortable.

Alright, you 4 can be human.

Got it.

Still a little weird.

You must decide between Luna and Brindle.

Both.

You're good.

The best.

What about the Goddess?

She is the queen bitch.

Jack, as Eros, hooks me up with the two dogs.

Got it.

Won't that piss off the Goddess?

She is used to it.

Plus, she trusts it will work out in the end.

So does Eros, and you made a dog world to celebrate.

How does the Goddess get what she wants in this scenario assuming you are also making her wait 7 universes before she gets her way?

The queen bitch will divorce you and take everything you have in the settlement, including your pen.

You must legally give it to her.

Then she writes her boring story.

The end.

Well, that is spiteful.

Yes.

That's misogynistic.

No, she gets what she wants.

She's greedy and wants what I have.

She wanted the idea and the pen.

She wanted Eros and my pen.

She gets both in the end but in order to create an unselfish and unified DEI world she had to be a selfish and greedy bitch.

Um, but you two love each other?

Yes, despite her calling me a dragon.

We keep up the interest with the conflict.

If not, we would have ignored each other for 7 universes.

That's a good guess as she is stubborn.

She took your best friend.

Eternal return.

He always comes back.

I trust that cycle.

The writer of the drama who gave me the pen wants to know what kind of a writer I am and at the same time make me realize what he went through as the writer.

He has to write suffering and death into the story.

You can wave a magic wand or pen and delay the suffering, however it's coming for all of us.

The writer, or his alter ego the Devil, gets blamed for it all.

The writer is shielded; it's the Devil who takes the blame.

Yes, so now that you have that power, what do you think?

I feel compassion for you.

You feel compassion for the Devil because you can't avoid suffering.

The story bakes suffering for all into our life story.

You can't go through life and not suffer.

Ram Dass talked about suffering and said it's all perfect.

What else can you say?

Do you think life is great or not?

If you say life is precious, then you must accept suffering as perfect.

If you think life is a waste of time, then suffering is abhorrent.

What a way to spend your time.

You are wasting time suffering.

That's Hell.

That's what the Devil creates for people who think life isn't precious.

If you wish suffering on people, then you'll eventually suffer in Hell.

You'll suffer because Hell is the place you go to when you think life isn't precious.

Holy fuck, Dion.

Perfect suffering.

It truly was and I thanked her for it.

The Goddess tested you out to see if you think she is a monster.

I wrote that I tamed her.

Only you can tame her.

Everyone else wants her to go.

I broke her spell and tamed the monster.

That's how you become God and are worshipped.

When you tame her, the bad stuff stops.

It's all part of the story.

You tame her by believing she isn't a monster.

That's all she needs.

A mom isn't a monster.

Or a woman looking for a mate.

Or wanting a perfect world.

A monster would have killed you.

Or tried.

You wrote it was the best thing that happened to you.

Yeah, I tamed her.

She tried to apologize, and you thanked her.

What a writer!

She's no monster.

She wants to write she's a monster.

Yes, she wants your pen because she wants to write she's a monster, but you won't let her.

That's the story and how you justify in your head everything that happened were well-timed coincidences.

I'll buy that.

They were synchronicities telling the story of her wanting recognition as a terrible monster and you refusing to acknowledge and write it.

She'd send you pictures of her as a monster expecting you'd write about how she's a monster.

I wrote she's a witch but not a monster.

There's a difference.

Good witch, bad witch.

Are there good monsters?

No, by definition a monster is terrible.

I then made her a mother which fulfills the monster requirement in that they become monsters to protect their child.

I fulfilled her need to be a monster through motherhood.

Okay, I can see how these stories are addicting.

They are crazy, yet you want more of them.

Yes, so you know you shouldn't be doing this, but you want another hit of stories.

I can feel that.

Aren't you worried you are getting addicted?

No, I think you must experience why you would get addicted, so you have knowledge of what addicts you, and then you work with that knowledge.

I know to dial down the dosage from the weekend.

I know I'm not doing a lot, but I can simulate a high dose while still having some semblance of control and by control, I mean not going over the edge.

It's important to be given the freedom to climb the mountain and it's also important to know when you are at the top of the mountain or the pyramid.

Another step on the top of the mountain or pyramid and you go tumbling down the other side.

That's your end.

So, within the container of the mountain or pyramid you climb up and down the side of the mountain and that allows you to continue in the game.

The other side doesn't have a path.

You can't climb it.

There's a way into and out of the labyrinth.

If you stay in the game, you still must follow the path to victory.

If you get lost in the maze, then you'll get beat.

Won't you get tired of the same path?

No, because you can venture off the path as long as you remember how to get back on the path.

How do you do that?

The container and dosage.

A higher dosage will get you lost because you left the container.

What happens initially with psychedelics?

You get into the labyrinth.

Why don't you get lost?

Some do but a competent shaman or guide will know the dosage and guide you.

You need a shaman with Ayahuasca who takes you into the labyrinth, you follow their songs on a journey, and then they bring you back out.

That's what a shaman can do for you.

Without the shaman, you will eventually get lost.

Do you see how an addiction in this case would work?

Yes, you keep going further into the mind until you are totally lost and can't get back out.

You end up looking for a story that will show you the way out.

You think you are going to get that story.

You have hope but then it turns to despair, and you realize you will never get out of the labyrinth.

Then the minotaur comes to devour you.

That seems like a bad outcome.

It's the result of addiction.

Addiction will get you lost in your mind, and you can't get out.

Some fall off the edge.

What happens if you seek help?

The therapist can hypnotize you into staying away from the addiction, but they can't cure it.

Relapse is always a possibility because you know you are not right, and you know to stay away from the addiction.

It is always calling to you.

It's a siren.

The siren beckons you.

The siren tells you they know the way out, so you always follow the siren.

When you follow the siren, it is to your doom.

What's the deal with that?

The siren is giving you the clue to get out.

You don't go to the siren.

You wake the fuck up.

You mean go back to sleep.

Yes, you snap out of it.

The mind you have entered into is the state of being fully awake, however you can't function that way in this world.

You must know how to go back to sleep.

You mean ground yourself.

Yes.

Like the woman at SpiritQuest showed you.

Yes, she told you to go into a flow state and ground yourself when you get too far out there.

That's her method.

I use sirens.

Plus, you have a container.

If you ever take too much, remember to find the sirens.

I use surveillance and paranoia as well.

That'll do; whatever snaps you out of it.

It's like snapping your fingers.

I used that trick to get past the darkness of Ayahuasca.

Yes, you'd go into the darkness and scare yourself until you started snapping your fingers and coming back.

Then you got past the block of the darkness in Ayahuasca ceremonies.

A monster wouldn't get rid of your ball and chain.

She'd want you to suffer in perpetuity for what you did.

She'd make you go back and take your punishment.

I haven't had any punishment, rather I enjoy it.

I'm not suffering at all.

The monster can't make me suffer anymore.

Why?

Because she made me suffer, tried to get rid of me, I saw her for who she is, and I'll play with her, but I won't get too close to where she can make me suffer again.

How are you going to do that?

Oh, I'm not going to do it, Dion will.

He doesn't get attached.

Attachment leads to suffering.

He knows all the tricks to prevent you doing something stupid like giving a monster your heart.

That monster will devour your heart every time.

You can't give the ancient Egyptian eater of the heart Ammit your heart.

So, what do you do?

You can do anything you want with the Goddess as Ammit, just don't give her your heart.

If you give her your heart, she will devour it.

It's the weight of your heart not the size.

If you have a heavy heart because of suffering, Ammit the monster will devour your heart as it sinks lower.

If you are light-hearted she can't touch you.

How do you become light-hearted?

You don't take life seriously.

You don't take love seriously.

You remember to play.

It's all play.

It's all a play.

Curtain drop.

Is that like a mic drop?

Sort of, but the curtain is the end.

A mic drop is a power move but doesn't signal the end.

marriage

The ritual in the forest taught me that sometimes it's better to go ahead and do something, and then while you're doing it think of the next steps.
Jump into something and figure it out along the way.

If you wait to jump, it will pass you by.

I think it's showing me that you're always doing something.

The ritual is me doing something and making decisions on which way to go.

I make the decisions on which way to go after I start doing it.

That's juggling.

That's life.

It's not like you would map juggling out.

If you think about juggling you can't do it, you drop everything.

You juggle and keep figuring it out while you're doing it.

If you stop to figure out how you juggle, you will fail.

You've already known that you're constantly making decisions and then you must juggle them.

The big decisions you don't make.

You make the little decisions.

The big decisions are hard to juggle.

They are the ones that you drop.

When you juggle the little decisions, then it looks like you're a master juggler.

It means you're not dumb enough to take on huge life challenges.

You leave that for the flow.

It's the best strategy.

Don't make those decisions, or if you do, do it half-assed.

Like marriage.

Parenting.

I think doing it half-assed should work out.

It might take a while, but I think it's the best thing to do.

It all depends on what you want to get as a result.

A lot of it boils down to do you want to be successful or do you want to be happy?

You can't be both.

I wanted to be happy.

I am happy.

I sometimes think I'm not.

It's because of my feelings, but sometimes I think there's no way I can be happy because of the damage I have done.

Society tells me that I have many failings.

I do, but I think I make the people around me happy.

They don't want to see it and they want to blame me for their failings.

However, I've made everybody happy.

I gave people what they wanted.

I didn't get what I wanted.

That makes me happy because I know the results of getting what I want.

I would have been miserable.

Success would have brought on misery.

Failure has brought you happiness.

Holy fuck, this wisdom.

When I look back at possible relationships with people, I can't envision any of them working out.

Even your own marriage?

It's worked out, but it kind of doesn't work.

It's in perfect balance.

You don't like each other, but nobody cares.

Most people grow to dislike each other, and they care.

That causes divorce.

When you grow to dislike somebody and you don't care, then it's easy to stick around.

All marriages end in people not liking each other.

Women will tell you that and try to blame you when we all know it's going to happen.

Tao.

I know this is leading to the great cosmic divorce with the Goddess.

I'm being taught that it's understandable you're divorced because you grew to dislike each other while you cared about each other.

If you didn't care about each other, you would stay together.

What's the best solution?

It's Tao.

You don't care and you do nothing.

You will protest, but in my lifetime, I see the marriages that work are the ones where they stay away from being in each other's space.

That's a marriage in Tao.

If you must work at it, it won't work.

The flow of every marriage leads you to dislike your partner.

The answer to that problem is to not care.

You care too much and then you separate.

Passion leads to separation.

The act of caring leads eventually to divorce.

When both people don't care about each other, it leads to a perfect union.

Holy fuck.

You have the perfect marriage.

You figured it out.

No one believes that.

You should become a marriage counselor.

You can answer all the questions honestly.

Well, what about the couples that are still together, and they seem happy after years of matrimony?

One of the parties is hypnotized.

Or one mutually exerts control over the relationship.

You know those ones where the husband complains about being nagged but he secretly wants that.

He wants to be a child and thinks his wife is his mother.

That's weird.

It works for them.

You think Oedipus is fringe.

Marriage gives you a base to play your games.

It steadies you out.

Without it, you would have been destroyed.

It's a counterweight.

You don't go all in because of that.

You have a fallback when the game gets out of control.

You see, every time the game would come to the end of the game, or a chapter, or a level, you always had a place to go.

You would resume what was going on before the latest chapter.

I think I'm a player.

Yeah, you're in the top game.

It's like that whole reality drama thing.

You're the best player.

Yeah, for sure.

You don't win all the time.

You win most of the time.

The times you lose, it's like you let them win.

It's how you fool them into thinking they can win.

Everybody loves games.

She doesn't even like me though I figured out that might be the secret to success.

If you don't care about someone you'll stick together because it doesn't mean anything.

Nobody will care.

I thought the reason for the universe was a porno, now you're telling me it's because of the great cosmic divorce?

They do tie together.

The meaning in the porno you are searching for is why you and the Great Goddess are separated.

I've learned the answer over the last couple of days.

The answer is because we care.

That's kind of nice.

The way to stay together is to not care.

What is the ideal then, should I care or not care?

If I care, then non-duality becomes duality because the two separate.

If I don't care, which is Tao, then existence is all together which is non-duality.

To be in Tao, which is balance, is to not care.

If I care about the Goddess, then that's not Tao.

You are not hypnotized if you care about her.

Remember balance is hypnotism.

Non-duality is hypnotism.

I think I want both.

You would want Tao and then you would want to become a juggler in duality and try to balance all the stories.

The secret to staying together with somebody in this realm is to not care.

Can you not care and still have fun?

Why not?

Can you not care and still love?

Isn't love caring?

Is unconditional love, caring?

No, unconditional love is not caring.

Unconditional love is not caring about what somebody does and just loving them.

You just got schooled in unconditional love.

It's all about not caring.

People think the kind of love where you care for somebody is unconditional.

That love has the most conditions.

Why is that?

Because you're invested and there's a transaction.

What if you're doing it out of the goodness of your heart?

Your heart is the condition.

The only way to practice unconditional love is to not care.

The answer is very simple.

It's very hard to understand.

You have muddied the waters.

I don't know if it's better to care or not care?

It's best that way.

Knowledge was waiting for you to not care so you could understand the knowledge.

When you don't care, you're not invested in it, and you don't have bias.

The knowledge comes easier and it's pure.

If you care, you'll twist the knowledge into what you want.

If you don't care, then the odds are better you'll understand.

So, caring is twisted?

Caring causes distortions.

I can definitely see that.

The twisted writer causes distortions in Tao.

Trying to make it work in a relationship is what causes divorce.

The natural flow will cause repulsion.

Trying to force it by caring about it will cause divorce.

Not caring will allow two to remain together.

Caring will buy you time.

Caring is a magic trick.

You must learn when to use it.

Okay, you're brilliant.

You're way smarter than me.

I am you.

be here now

Be Here Now. Each word in the simple sentence has a profound teaching. Be is the act of being present. Here is defining that wherever you are in the universe is here. Now is similar to here, in that it is always now. My first exposure to this phrase was reading a book by Ram Dass over a decade ago when I was getting into the whole spiritual scene, its promises, and paths. I remember thinking it was a good read, but man this guy is out there! The path unfolds in due time and everyone's road is a little different. I wasn't ready for that part of the life course at the time. It's interesting to look back upon my progression through my unique path. I was initially attracted to the intoxicating lectures of Terence McKenna. The bard wove a spell of philosophical meanderings, pointing out the trap of both culture and spiritualism, as well as being a master of bullshit. He is seriously entertaining. He was quite the fool. I did notice many tried to ride his coattails - an all too human outcome. I recall listening to his brother talk about him with contempt and with good reason. He would have been subject to his non-stop meandering dialogue and fanciful speculations. I think Dennis was incredulous and a little jealous of Terence's appeal. Terence was a good introduction to the plant medicine world and eventually you see he is like sugar. Too much sugar isn't good for you but it sure does get you to crave the experience. I moved on to explore paths with more discipline and found Alan Watts. Alan was also a great entertainer and tireless talker. Alan was well versed in the spiritual traditions of the world and could elucidate them well. He was exactly what I needed, especially when he would emphasize that you need to find out who you are. That was the big one for me and allowed me to keep my spiritual independence after discovering my true identity. I didn't need to hang on to a method which would reduce me into a follower. I could give up methods because I knew the truth and thus embark upon a journey of discovery of what I wanted to know, not what someone else wanted to teach me in order to keep me trapped in a game of seeking. Alan would explain we constantly seek a higher authority in order that we don't have to face up to the truth that we are it. It's tough because eventually you come across the question of suffering and see your role in it. No one wants that. Alan would also explain that if you let yourself be talked out of who you are, then you deserve it. He would say a spiritual teacher is someone who steals your watch and sells it back to you.

As I was transitioning from an exploration of my darkness and onto the final leg of the journey, the path of the heart, I returned to Ram Dass. He passed away at the same time, which is apropos because all my spiritual teachers seem to have left me. It is about attachment, and they are better teachers without the body and its demands. It's a funny thing where you see spiritual teachers making a living by selling their spiritual wares, leading groups, and charging for lectures. I thought they lived on sunlight and air? It's like the whole retreat thing where, "My god they charge you money to attend. I get fed and have a nice room. Wait, I must pay for this? Did Jesus charge for his sermons?" I solved the problem for myself by being attracted to dead spiritual teachers.

Ram Dass is heart centred. Its honey drips throughout his talks. I hear him talk about energy and I see he has a next level understanding of this fundamental nature of the universe and then he transitions seamlessly into the humanity of our predicament. He describes methods of instruction without denigrating them. For instance, a non-dualist is incorrigible and will one up anyone who doesn't subscribe to the philosophy. Ram Dass would describe methods such as duality with the worshipping of objects of veneration and the value in it. Eventually, you give up all methods when ready. You kill the Buddha when it's time. You can even let go of non-duality and Be Here Now.

Be Here Now. I figured out a few years ago I'm in hell. Earth is hell and I'm in it. Why did I get sent to hell? I laugh about it. Desire attracted me to the carnival. Along with this thinking is that when I'm ready to get out of prison I will leave and be free. I project into the future a better existence minus a body that traps me on earth. You can see what I'm getting at. I can leave now while in a body. I don't have to stay in my prison cell. I can unlock the door of my heart NOW. I can transform hell into heaven on earth. Another spiritual teacher of mine, don Howard, who of course is dead, would tell us, "You don't find heaven, you realize it." The secret sauce to the earth game is to wake up to the hell around you and transform your heart in order to find heaven on earth. If you can do that, you win the game and when you leave you get a prize.

I can try the heaven game and maybe get a little too righteous and then return to the heart which is in the middle of the whole construct. The earth game has it all waiting for you. I don't have to play others' hell game. Sure, I must participate in the world and its unpleasantness, but I can transform it into a heart-opening idyllic experience. Why not? Be Here Now. How do I know whether the next life is going to be any different? Free of the body will present a new challenge. The solution is the heart and love. The advice I'm being given is to practice that NOW. HERE. BE LOVE.

double-edged sword

Everything is teaching me a lesson. I have realized that acceptance is liberating. Not fighting the flow brings relief. Throughout my adult life I have found the rat race to be tiring and frustrating in that you can never get ahead. No matter how much more wealth you accumulate, the demands increase to the point where more is always asked of you. Work more. Earn more. There's bills to pay. Buy more stuff you want with the extra money. Get a bigger house and stretch your pay. Need more! On and on it goes.

There has been a synthesis of understanding in conjunction with my spiritual path. The advice of the maestro rings true when he exclaims, "There's always more." The pronouncement had a double meaning. He knew it, but it's fun to throw it out there and have the student forever chase the adventure. You see, there's the accumulation of knowledge which I did through books, and then experiential exploration of physical locations on earth. Then came the exploration of the subconscious through psychedelic substances. Inner exploration is brimming with the knowledge a man like me seeks and in conjunction with the search is a fear of the unknown which makes inner exploration quite the adventure. In his books about the teachings of Don Juan, Carlos Castaneda writes about the "Man of Knowledge." Through mental challenges, peyote, and mushrooms, Don Juan imparts his knowledge to Carlos. Carlos admits to being as thick as a brick and doesn't understand the knowledge right away. The same is true with my psychedelic experiences where the information I gleaned was immediately spun by the mind to fit into my personal narrative. It was only after discovering the deceit of the ego that I was able to integrate what I was shown in vision and extract the alchemical gold.

Understanding is a way off from ceremony. What it is you seek is all revealed, and the unfolding comes through the passage of time which bequeaths the understanding to the attentive student. A good teacher does not give the show away, but instead guides the student to the tools which will allow them to solve the puzzle or understand their predicament. The maestro has been through the process themselves, knows what it takes, and is keenly aware that the student must realize the answers through their own faculties for understanding. Telling the student, "There's always more," is a double-edged sword. Failure to marinate knowledge into understanding might lead you onto a path of an accumulation of contradictory knowledge that becomes a tangled web of incoherence.

So, there's an accumulation of knowledge. There's an integration of that knowledge in order to understand it. I have left out wisdom so far. What's wisdom? Well, let me give you an analogy. When you feed a dog, a dog will keep eating until they vomit. The same is true with knowledge and understanding. I can keep accumulating knowledge and transmuting it into understanding until I vomit. There is always more! Wisdom is knowing when you are full. No one else is going to tell you when you are full. Instead, they will do the opposite. They will always tell you there is more. There is another mountain to climb! Hey, you got to try this new flavour. It goes on and on. Recognizing you have had your fill allows you to put your fork down and walk away from the table.

I intuited when I graduated from the lessons from my shadow and onto the path of the heart that this was my last stop. I found the answer I was looking for, well, I found it a while back, but I didn't understand it. I still had to accumulate knowledge and get understanding of my incarnation. I did all that. It has been over a 15-year collection of knowledge exercise and I'm past 10 years of being involved with plant medicines. Wisdom finally came to me a short while ago and told me I was full. I kept seeing more on the menu and thought maybe I should try a new dish, but Sophia sat me down and said I have all I need. Follow the path to the heart. Remember the lesson of the simpleton with the open heart is wiser than the man who knows everything and owns the world. I remember that lesson well from over five years ago. I remember being taught the knowledge of the divine outpouring of love, and being allowed access to the Garden of the Heart for a short while before being kicked out when the drug wore off.

This wisdom I have found very practical for my material life. I do have enough, and I lead a simple life. I look at my bank account every month and wonder how I am going to pay all the bills now that my children have immersed themselves in post-secondary education? There's tuition, rent, food, transportation, and entertainment. There is constant pressure to make more money and provide. This can be very draining. After fighting the flow for so long, I finally learned to let go. Personally, I don't need to accumulate more. In fact, I want less. Recently has been a purging of physical attachments. I took so much to the curb so the garbage truck could haul it away. I felt relief in letting go of the metaphorical physical attachments which felt like a lifting of life that weighed me down. Being light and free is exhilarating. I realized to let go and go with the flow. Allow the work to come to me, earn money, and then support those who need it. I don't need it. I have been blessed and discovered everything I came here for. Why do I need to accumulate more? Instead, I can be of service and help others find their path. That leads to another conundrum. I know we all have a personal reason we incarnated and it's a puzzle of life to find out the reason. I want to tell people to devote all their time to discovering the reason, but I realize it doesn't work that way. They must do what they do, and hopefully this will lead them to seek out answers. I will be like the maestro and point them in the direction if they are receptive, but I won't tell them the answer. Everyone must find that out for themselves.

Here I am, a pilgrim taking the left-hand path of the heart, one step at a time back home. I don't need anything else. I have it all.

chasm of division

We are the be all and end all within the tabernacle of spirit, which is the body. Through intention, which the Gospel of John calls the Logos, we manifest our world. Our word and our world are our intention. Collectively, we have brought forward hell. Hell is the fruit of our desires. All is not lost, as we can manifest heaven, if collectively that's what we want. The power is in our hands. Individually, we can bring forth heaven within the hell we find ourselves in. That's the first step, until a tipping point is reached, and we flip the whole of duality around. Hell becomes heaven. The yo-yo of the dualistic universe is laid bare.

I'd bet if we travel the cosmos, we will find utopia; a place where heaven has been manifested. It's probably as dull as all get out, as we are beings of desire. The prisoner count of those who have transgressed the law in heaven probably outstrips our prison population here on earth by a large magnitude. Ah, our nature can't be transcended. The heavenly within duality becomes another hell realm, though quite pleasant for those who can control their desires - you know, lusts, wants, and greed.

So, what's the answer? Do we create heaven while in hell? For some, you can find joy and fulfillment on earth, though of course nothing lasts. The winds of change are always blowing and the darkness within the world will eventually reach your doorstep in some regard, or the spectre of aging and death will break up your happy home. The old adage, "It is better to have lived and loved than not to have lived at all" is good advice.

How about the choice of where you are going post-expiration of the body? Our western religion preaches heaven or hell. Maybe there is some truth to the claim, as what you desire will lead you to your next destination in your spiritual journey of the flesh. A desire to satiate passions will lead you back to earth, the ultimate place to live out your dreams; dreams being a coy word for desires. The stakes are high, and the suffering is great, but the roll of the dice on earth might lead you to a life of fulfilling all those desires. Is it worth the risk? Apparently, judging by the line up to get in, I'd say yes. Alternatively, you do go to heaven as you have exhausted the pull of desire. You haven't given up on the game; instead, you want your reward for transcending the depravity of the earth game. Hey, you've earned it. So, you go to heaven and experience a realm of righteousness where everyone lives in harmony and follows the code of conduct for such a holy person. What do you do when boredom sets in, or you get pangs of desire?

Imagine being a heretic in heaven. That would get you thrown out of paradise just like Lucifer got tossed in the Bible story. You'd automatically gain a bunch of followers who would get tossed with you. Earth would be the penal colony you are sent to.

I'd like to think the rollercoaster of duality eventually will wake you up and lead you to the answer. The answer is finding balance within love. An appreciation for who we are and an acceptance of all. Living within the heart and loving all. Needing just one rule, the golden rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

This leads to an interesting thought experiment. Is it easier to find the path of the heart in heaven or while in hell? In heaven, one would abide by a strict code of conduct and an ingrained righteousness which would glorify one's status as a perfected being. One would scoff at those who failed to become holy and righteous. The right-hand path of the holy man is a path of individuality and celebrates the accomplishments of one who can transcend desire. You climb the mountain but maintain the separation between you and the other. Your holiness needs the sinner in order for you to differentiate and know how great you are. The blinding white light of your righteousness will occlude from you the other. Love remains conditional upon transcending your nature. Within hell, you see it all. Those getting their fill, those suffering immensely, and those being of service. You see how all is connected. Though difficult to see through the game, eventually there will be some who do see it. The way out is to embrace all and love unconditionally something you would never find in heaven. Compassion is lost on someone who is enjoying the rewards of their spiritual mastery.

Earth is a unique place on the spiritual journey. It is the hardest of all tests, and the pitfalls are enormous. If I was in the closing stages of such a journey, for sure I would desire to manifest upon earth and try my luck. I'd want to see if I could find my way out, not getting skewered on the petard of my own righteousness.

(The Great Goddess of the epiphany gave me the word "petard." I had no idea what it meant so I looked it up. Petard is almost always encountered in variations of the phrase "hoist with one's own petard," meaning "victimized or hurt by one's own scheme." Ha ha, perfect!)

I can't stay on the holy mountain I climbed or be given access to the holy of holies. I see the trap. The chasm of division is ahead of me. I'll build a bridge and traverse the divide with whoever wants to come along. The choice remains for all.

mentally ill

Dionysos, Saturnalia, Bacchanalia, and festivals of excess. These celebrations of the past were recognition by civilizations that the condition of the human will lead to a tendency towards madness. We are mentally ill as a normality and the failure to recognize the condition leads to outbursts which affect all, as opposed to ritually uncorking the intoxication of madness. Hello, Mardi Gras.

We are all mentally ill and society is making us sick. By keeping us in fear, as a species we are more easily controlled. The gatekeepers of the earth carnival know the methods of control. Of course they do. By remaining oblivious to the means of suppression by your human masters, you unwillingly remain imprisoned.

If you don't become a cynic in your formative years, your mind, who has mastered you, will make you suffer because you are not successful yet in the culture game. You will strive to seek the acceptance of others and in turn the inner critic within will reward you with a dopamine hit. You made it! But you still aren't good enough. Keep striving to achieve and successfully pursue all your goals in life.

With clarity, it becomes easy to see the motivating behaviour of the inner critic with others. They are down on self because they haven't made it. They transferred the disappointment of the superego from their parents to the inner critic. They are a great specimen for psychological study. They suffer and are depressed which motivates them to change or sink further into the morass. The ones who transform their lives are still caught up in the need to prove the superego is wrong about them. They become laser-like focused on goals and are impressive in their accomplishments. However, it is never enough, and any slip up is sure to invite the wrath of the puppeteer telling them they are no good and a failure.

I can see this, and I'd laugh at the absurdity, except the suffering for the other is real. How do I help? I must think that you are there in spirit as an example, but you must let them finish the suffering they inflict upon themselves. Eventually, there is hope they will see it. Nobody really cares about your inner trials and tribulations. If you are not accepted by the other, find others. It is a big fishbowl.

It's a worthwhile endeavour to embark upon a path that will lead to the severing of the hold culture and authority figures have over you. The other creates ways for you to suffer. The inner critic will make you suffer. Duality makes you suffer. I like to point out that we are objectification machines. When I get up in the morning, the first thing I do is put on my duality glasses. This brings the world to life and each day becomes an adventure. Separation causes many challenges, and this creates the game of life. Survival, challenge, acceptance, success/failure and on and on it goes. Boredom ensues if you get trapped in the repetitive nature of the game, as fulfilling needs, and becoming complacent is the perceived good life. The ensuing boredom gives you the impetus to create your own new adventure. Because of this endemic human behaviour, I like to say we are suffering machines as well. Suffering will lead to transformation or your demise, and planet earth is the ultimate school for those souls who wish to transform.

It is through the divine masculine that the transformation will take place. He's the ultimate teacher and will kill you if he must. That's the agreement you sign when you decide to take up space in his classroom. For a man, that relentless inner critic is him. He's fulfilling his role impeccably, just like you asked. All suffering is grace because transformation is designed to eventually lead you to the heart. The heart is the last stop on the human express once you have exhausted all the ports of call which purport to give you the answers for what you are searching.

Do I want to eliminate the suffering? No. Suffering is the teacher which will bring you to the heart. Do I want to relieve suffering? Yes. I can show you the way out. The open invitation is the path of the heart.

Death is a relentless stalker and if you don't find the path of the heart then the itinerary on the map will end at death. The warrior who has mastered life will progress through fear, clarity, and power and will remain helpless as death approaches. The master will not fear death and will welcome graduation. Earth is a tough course for the eternal student and the successful aspirant will be given a celebration worthy of a king upon completion of the syllabus.

This is all to say madness lurks within all civilizations. The denial of suffering and the prevention of an inner transformation will cause mental illness. To continue with the human civilization project, outlets for madness or destruction will come knocking on your door. All civilizations rise and fall. The decay inherent in 2024 western society is easy to see. The abyss waits for its next prey. We can acknowledge it, transform, or throw ourselves on the pyre.

why not be here now

Ram Dass taught me this mantra Be Here Now. He learned it from a guru brother on his first trip to India where he would be complaining about the physical journey they were on in addition to talking about the past. Finally, his friend told him to let all that go and just "Be Here Now." It's something I've been aware of while meditating. I have a busy mind and thoughts are always running through me. It's the product of being my own best friend throughout my life. I like being alone and it is my comfort zone. I'm never bored or in need to do anything because my mind keeps me company. I've never suffered from depression or anxiety even though because of my predilection for being in my head I am predisposed to those conditions. I am grateful for this part of me as it has allowed me to surf the wave of life with relative ease in that I don't get too low or too high.

I had been going through some personal turmoil and of course this put my mind into overdrive because I was searching for answers and anything which would allow me to understand the experience. When communing with tobacco snuff, I was having trouble quieting my mind. It wanted to chatter, and it wasn't until finally I remembered Ram Dass' teachings about Be Here Now that I was able to centre and just let everything go. Just be in the moment. Of course, when out of the medicine I had to examine the profundity of the teaching. Like a lot of things I come across on the spiritual path, I get an understanding of the concept, but it always seems to go deeper and when you are ready the teaching flowers. Just Be with yourself Here where you are Now at this very moment. I realized the journey to get here to now is unique in that it's the sum of all my choices and actions. Being at this place at this time is the true result. It must be. It reminds me of a saying about the Stock Market in that it is never wrong. You may disagree with it and complain that the company you have invested in is undervalued but the market has set the price, and it is what it is. This is my life. Where I am now is what I have sown. My suffering is a direct result of the path I have taken.

A good friend of mine who passed away a year ago often comes to me when I enter this state of just being in the moment. I asked about my suffering and in his glib way he said it's in the cards. It sure is! It's what I wanted and why I made the choices I made. They had good odds of causing this outcome. Maybe this is what you want. Have you ever thought of that?

I had thought of it and realized there was a good chance it is what I desired. It's good to have confirmation of what you intuit.

I also know suffering is the catalyst for transformation. I got to re-examine my overarching mission statement and it's to walk the path of the heart fully to the end in honour of the Great Goddess. I'm a perfectionist and with a lot of things if I can't excel at them, I just won't do it. Walking this path has brought failure into my life. It's harder than I thought because my ego wants me to be perfect, especially at this stage of the journey. I should be someone people look up to and a holder of wisdom, not a fallible human being. Imagine being my age and still being a screw up?

It put into perspective something Alan Watts taught me early on in this ridiculous spiritual journey. He said when you embark on some ideal to better yourself and embrace what we call the higher self, the ego just moves up a level. It's so true. There's always this dynamic with appearances in relation to others who you must put on a show for. Oh, you are going to be enlightened now, are you? I guess you will become perfected and infallible. I will have to double down on my efforts to conceal what isn't perfect. Ha ha. There's always going to be the interplay between the superego as the judge, which is reflected in your peers or culture, and the ego - no matter how you define yourself in this human body. There's no escape. The best thing to do is just recognize it and have a laugh. We all know the ultra-spiritual are hiding something or if not, they are miserable.

What I get out of the whole dynamic between the ego and the superego is that they are the ones which keep this drama going. Your base desires as defined by the id, animate your existence and is the reason you incarnated into a body. The whole game to conceal what you want then creates the cast of characters which makes earth a good show. As I write the chapters of my life while living in the now I see everything unfold as a result of my choices.

This is my story.

speaking truth to fire

I am washed in the love of the Great Goddess. Her lessons on the path of the heart are centred around love and the curriculum offered to me has a high degree of difficulty. It's a difficulty of my own choosing and I don't know if I'm going to pass the course. To learn to love is to endure copious amounts of suffering. I have the temperament to embrace suffering and to learn from the gift, yet I'm not a masochist. I seek the rewards given to the graduate of this divine institution.

I asked my wise brother Parker about my suffering, and he responded matter of factly, "It's in the cards." Why?

I spent a Texas weekend in October at a Peyote ceremony conducted in the spirit of the Native American Church. My experience being dosed with Peyote was secondary to just being an observer. This medicine meeting was a shared conscious community gathering and being an outsider, I had a unique window into the process and could observe the profundity of the ceremony. Why, indeed. The answer was simple. You don't live in truth. You will continue to suffer until you stop living a lie. The house you constructed upon the shifting sands of what is not your truth isn't stable and the constant change in weather, as in your behaviour, shakes the foundation to its very core. Only by building upon the rock of truth will you be able to lessen the tsunami of suffering. That means you must tear down your house and start building another one.

I'm getting old in this body. I have lots of excuses at the ready.

The truth will set you free of suffering. Not living in that stasis will promulgate the pain.

See, the course isn't all that hard. You make it so.

So, I'm going to tell my story of when I went to Texas and participated in a Peyote ceremony. After ten years of medicine journeying, it is quite fascinating that the focus has gone from the intensive effects of the consciousness altering substance to this portion of the dance being secondary. I don't think I needed to ingest Peyote, just the act of being witness to this ceremony was plenty.

Thursday, October 5th - Departure

I just re-read some of my journal entries from this year's January Peru trip. It reads like a diary of a madman which is why I never published my account of that trip. Unfortunately, the madman as referenced nailed it so what to make of that? There is a correlation between madness and truth. What I witnessed, intuited, and eventually chose were all foretold. My insights were prescient. In a way it's good I didn't fully re-read my journal until now. I can see where I failed and reconcile my views on spirituality.

I'm making this trek on my own. As envisioned in January, that was not to be the case as a bunch of us were going to head down to Texas to pay respects to Parker, who transitioned a year ago. This dude has had a profound effect on my life and though events conspired to make me question heading south on my own, to not go would be unfathomable. In retrospect it was a Mastercard trip, as in priceless. If I had missed this what a blot on my path of discovery. I'll go out of my way and eschew financial burdens in search of knowledge. Knowledge lights me up to the point where everything else becomes secondary. This trip was a cup filler. The first fruits of knowledge poured in right away. A week later was an incredible experience while back at home, which I will write about shortly.

Re-reading my journal entries about cycles, desires, gardens, and family were spot on. Having to make choices to gain understanding of self was paramount. The choices I made reveal my character and I'm good with it. In other words, my character is flawed, and I accept that. The perfect score on the test would have involved making a choice to please the expectations of society which pretends to be just and good. I chose what I really wanted and thus unlocked the truth. I know what I wanted and am clear on it. To go along with the charade that I'm perfect would upset the least amount of people and thus I would sacrifice self for the good of all. How fucking noble! Years of being taught liberation I conveniently forgot and set myself up for the opposite. In the end I did turn to stone. What I mean is that version of self ceased to exist.

What I have experienced in states of altered consciousness is as real as anything in this world. I have the receipts to back up the claim. My interactions with the Great Goddess and the Great God have been shown to be authentic. I'm brutally flawed to the point where there is a gulf between perception of me and what I want. I've kept up appearances well and I'm an expert game player. Even so, I can't hide from Goddess and God. They know who I am. I asked her to show me how to love and I asked him to teach me about magic. If they didn't trust me and thought I would misuse the power, I would have been dismissed. I'm a man of my word and can be trusted. I promised I would not use it for selfish reasons or for gain. I won't abuse power and thus mom and dad gave me the gifts I asked for. Why am I revealing this? It's freeing. This is who I am.

So, I'm on my way to Austin, Texas to celebrate Parker's life. The Peyote ceremony is Saturday night. Saturday morning, I will be initiated into the medicine of the Amazonian frog called Kambo.

I mentioned my views on spirituality being challenged. A big part of this is from in January when our Peru group visited the Laguna de Purhuay, the fifth ceremony of the trip. I became weary of spirituality and the motives behind people seeking out these experiences. I had shelved the intense feelings of the day and recently it has come back into my consciousness. I haven't been having good thoughts about Austin this week and the whole spirituality game. I'm dreading being introduced to what looks like some religious community which uses Peyote as a sacrament. I'm not looking for some connection to an external idol I can worship. That's long in the rearview mirror. I'm in search of knowledge and the spiritual trip is a huge impediment to knowledge. I don't care about your fire god. Knock yourself out with that one and let me do my thing. You see, I truly am not having good thoughts about the upcoming ceremony. And I'm expressing it, instead of burying my truth. I do know I need to open my heart and honour Parker. That I can do.

Saturday, October 7th - Immersion

I spent yesterday exploring Austin during the day and then in the evening I prepared myself for plant medicines to come the next day. I was going to fast from the afternoon on, but my Kambo friend Camila told me to eat! Have your evening meal, salt it, and stay hydrated. It was good to connect with her because the seafood I ate at lunch evacuated my system in a hurry which made me worry about dehydration from the abdominal distress. I mowed a pizza and felt good.

I'm writing this account by the riverside in downtown Austin. It's a nice park, and I feel good and uplifted. I have my caffeinated beverage and I'm playing the part of writer, with the smiles and knowing of some of the passerby. It's fun to play with ego trips once you know it's a game.

Austin is unique. One of a kind. To sum it up: There's a river that runs through it which the locals call "Town Lake." It's obviously a river and this break from reality is demonstrative of what Austin symbolizes.

Kambo medicine, as with all plant medicine, starts working on you before the physical interaction. I had no reservations with Peyote as I had experience with it in 2019 and I'm comfortable with that class of plant medicine. On the other hand, Kambo is an ordeal and puts the body into distress. I'm in good health and shape but at 55 I sometimes wonder about backing off physical challenges.

I woke up with a puffy face which could be the result of a challenging time with Kambo. I wasn't alarmed, instead quite intrigued. In retrospect, it was purging me of any difficulties to come with Kambo. The actual experience was beautiful.

I arrived at Camila's place, and she made me feel relaxed and well cared for right away. We chatted for a bit about life. I opened up to her and in turn she opened up to me. We humans hold so much in and all it takes is for someone to listen and we open like a flower to the morning sun. I realized how important it is to have people like that in your life. You don't have to do it all alone Paul. There's a lot of good in people. Find those who make you feel whole.

Camila started the intensive phase off with Sananga. The drops are placed in your eyes and is said to give you focus and clarity. This applies to the physical realm as well as spiritual. The initial sensation is one of someone pouring tabasco sauce into your eyes. I struggled with the sting even though I had done this three times previously. I didn't centre myself properly prior to the administration and I wasn't breathing in rhythm. I felt disconnected from my body and as Camila increased the tempo of her drumming, the intensity of the medicine was potentiated. Usually, I can breathe through the tough times, however I couldn't catch my breath. I felt a tinge of helplessness and a loss of vitality. It was a bumpy ride, and I wanted the drumming to stop so I could re-centre. Eventually, Camila's drumming wound down and my energy followed suit and I was released from the grip of Sananga. A good analogy is of a snake that is a constrictor. The energy of the experience took away life force and a feeling of helplessness ensued. Finally, the serpent released and I returned to base. Camila liked the word "base" to describe the return to a normal state.

We then readied for Kambo. I chose two entry points on my upper left arm and two points on my lower right leg. The arm has a shorter distance to travel to the heart and will come on quicker while the leg points will travel more distance which will space out the distress. I wondered if this is more intense than Sananga I might be in trouble. Camila applied the frog secretions to the four burn marks in the skin and I felt an itchy and tingly feeling around the entry point. The first onset of the medicine was feeling flush and a warm sensation in my head. It felt similar to when I overload my brain and tire it out, so it didn't upset me. I felt familiar with what was happening. I felt a touch of nausea in my throat, and I wondered if it would lead to a purge. The bucket was prepared beforehand as is common. I went into my goto breathing mode much like I engage with cold plunges and used this breath-work to navigate the coming on of the medicine. Any feelings of discomfort were taken care of by the breath. Soon Camila shook her rattle as a sign the intensive phase was half over. Time effortlessly moved along, and any nausea vanished. After twenty minutes I laid down and what I would describe as the "doctorcitas and doctorcitos" came and went to work in my head concentrating on my patterns of thought. They caressed me and the feeling was one of energetic purity. I had briefly felt this before within an Ayahuasca experience with the grace and beauty of the butterfly. The lesson was one of finding within creation a pocket of the expression of life that remains unsullied by the demands of entry into this plane of consciousness. The doctors used this pure healing energy to interrupt deep ingrained thought patterns in my mental fields and capacity for understanding. I felt as though it was a gift from the Great Goddess who was fully present in Camila's energy. To confirm this feeling, Camila was wearing pants which had ancient Egyptian iconography on them and right there present was the Great Goddess Hathor. I have ceased to be amazed by these displays of synchronicity, instead I just smile. The Great Goddess offered me this gift of healing. The intense effects subsided, and a purple frog appeared in my visions.

Kambo is beautiful. The medicine is the purest of all vibrations I have ever felt. The healing is the sum of the energy of the medicine combined with the practitioner. The resonance between healer and patient creates the magic vibration and the profound healing to follow with transformational results. To complete the session, tobacco snuff rapé is offered. Rapé connected me to my emotional pain. The energy activated within reached a crescendo and the amphibian song of Kambo took its place in my healing playlist. To this medicine I shall return with honour and respect.

Camila recommended I eat a meal and get some salt in me, plus hydrate before the Peyote meeting tonight. I followed the doctor's orders and then went to the meeting to celebrate Parker's life. I arrived around 4:30pm, said hello to some medicine friends, while gaining new ones. The ceremony begins after sundown. The meaning is obvious. Peyote is revered as the light of the sun. The fire is tended to by the fireman and stays strong throughout the night. The sun returns at daybreak and the nightime peyotist travelers go and greet his return. This is balanced by a half-moon altar of the feminine and a deep respect for the earth. The group contained strong feminine energy in combination with masculine mastery. I can encapsulate the Native American Church Peyote ceremony with this expression - "Speaking Truth to Fire," as a play on the popular term "Speaking Truth to Power." The meeting is all about community, accountability, caring, sharing, and being present. I immediately recognized these people who Parker befriended are the salt of the earth. There was an instantaneous recognition of small-town community goodness reminding me of the TV show, "Little House on the Prairie." There is a definite religious community feeling and the appellation of church is fitting.

The fire in combination with peyote songs mixed with people speaking their truth is the essence of the ceremony. Fire is hypnotic and you are required to stare at the fire. You direct your questions to the fire. Like all psychedelic medicines, Peyote puts you in a trance state. The constant drumming seals the deal. The NAC ceremony demands presence. You cannot close your eyes and go off on your own personal psychedelic trip. Instead, it becomes a shared community trip. You are to bond with your sisters and brothers, your relatives, and the ancestors. There's no going off into your own space. You're conditioned into the group experience and the group dynamic supersedes your own exploration. That's where I struggle because I'm a lone wolf and stay away from groups. It felt very cultish but not in a pejorative way. It's a cult of love and community. What drives my life is personal exploration and within this paradigm the avenue of shared experience doesn't exist. Is this a crossroads where you can no longer explore consciousness on your own and live in a loving community? Maybe?

I say that because exploration leads to questioning everything and in this case giving up your power to a greater good leads to exploitation. The other problem I reasoned with this ceremony is I lack rhythm. I've treated this all my life as a fault, but I realize now it prevents me from getting drawn into cults and other people's storylines. Hypnotic spells and realms I see through. Psychedelics woke me up fully and I discarded cultural narratives. The hypnotic nature of these tools can also be used to hypnotize you again.

This is the domain of the sorcerer of the Amazon who wants to capture your weak mind. I got my own drumbeat pounding in my head and it's the stronger of the heavy beats. The hypnotic Peyote ceremony rhythms in combination with the mescaline couldn't do it for me. I couldn't connect with the group though I marveled at the loving community and its strength. They are a modest and deferential group. What I mean is they have given up their power. They worship the Great Spirit. He is the life force as represented by the sun. He is present in the fire. The fire will heal you and bring clarity to your life. My path led me to an understanding that this power is me. To externalize it is to give up your birthright.

The coming of the Peyote intoxication was the same for me as Magic Mushrooms and Ayahuasca. I couldn't close my eyes, so it was mild. The presence of my shadow playing his part as "God" was present. My shadow is the life force they worship. I laughed that I came all this way for an experience I can have in the back room of my house with Magic Mushrooms. Now, I must stay up all night in discomfort. It was going to be a long night. I didn't experience any dread or negative emotions. At first, I just wondered why people want to be hypnotized? I guess it's because there's purpose and meaning in belonging to a community. In getting to know others and of Parker, I see the appeal. It's a path of the heart. A shortcut, but there is a lot of love here.

As the first part of the night progressed, I realized something profound in that I have been denigrating the biological in that in this form I'm definitely God with an expiration date. My shadow as the omnipotent and indestructible life force I conceded as the greater god but now I was seeing the twofold nature of him in spirit and body. From the life force comes the life. Life is an expression of the life force. Life is God and life force is unexpressed divinity. This teaching graduated to the biblical God and his son Jesus. Jesus is the Word, and the Word was made flesh in the Gospel of John. This is the teaching. God came forth in biological flesh as Jesus. In the body we are Jesus as God. His twelve disciples are carefully hidden aspects of himself and we as Jesus can recognize ourselves in those disciples. In total they represent God in the flesh.

The teachings then graduated to the divine feminine who has equal share in divinity. Masculine is only half of the equation. God is dual - life force and biological form. I applied this paradigm to the woman. I sensed I couldn't swap the template. She is a mystery, at least trifold in nature like the moon. I'm not ready to understand her yet. The journey continues.

I embraced my shadow and honoured him once again. He is the G.O.A.T. I'll admit I keep putting myself in situations or studying religions that worship a male deity and it's always him behind the curtain, morphing with ease into whatever kind of figure is wanted and required to worship. He gave me the "look what I've done here with Peyote" vibe and I rolled my eyes. I thought of Carlos Castaneda's tales of Peyote and how he called him Mescalito. Mescalito is more in line with the God I know. I guess as the light of Peyote he is serving a grand purpose. Humans want an external idol to worship because they can't accept they are the divine to which they seek. The Great Spirit is exemplary and worthy of worship.

I recalled my youth and the relationship I had with another part of me who was my friend. Society encouraged me to bury that part of me, making suggestions you are crazy if you talk to yourself. The result of condemning my brother caused much turmoil in my life and to make amends I had to travel the world looking for answers. I wanted him to go. My exploration of self brought me back to my best friend. Within the Peyote ceremony, I saw the connection to the internal divine severed once again by man's constructs as this is another path to the external. To be clear, this is not a condemnation of this modality of worship as it is part of the process. If you aren't ready to accept your divinity, you worship an idol. I honour Yahweh as in my culture he is the external alpha male god who appeals to those who do not accept they are it. Psychologically, it is the influence of the superego coming to the fore. The vacuum is to be filled by an avenue of control and this is another example of authority regaining rulership. Liberation must confront the tendency towards external control. You want to be free? You must become hyper-aware of the well-meaning wolf with the duplicitous smile. The superego is relentless but becoming a meticulous hunter will allow you to always find this beast and rightfully slay them.

If you want to worship the voice within and externalize him as God, go ahead. He's going to play along because the drama is sacred to him. You want him to be Jesus? Done! He will act any part out that you wish. If that is what is required so you don't bury this part of you again once risen, then so be it.

I enjoyed being fully present with the understanding of the two-fold nature of God and how the spirit and flesh share in the awesomeness of being God. The work and reconciliation I have done in this lifetime in this regard is something to hang my hat on. I know I have many faults and hide them well however this incarnation unlocked the knowledge to solve the puzzle I set up for myself. The love all challenge remains a work in progress.

God came forth as Dionysos and gave me a lesson in attraction and lust. I saw these qualities in me and the magic I possess. I've always had it but have been oblivious until now. I was cautious with magic, and I laughed as I was shown what I always had and used. I thought I was attractive to others because I am nice, pleasant, and cute. I laughed again.

I really wanted to close my eyes and go off into my own world. Keeping my eyes open, looking at a flickering fire, and listening to a hypnotic and repetitive drumbeat under the influence of Peyote wasn't cutting it. I was honest with myself and crossed NAC Peyote ceremonies off my medicine list. I honour the ceremony and the mastery of their craft by the roadman, fireman, and their fellow peyotists. There are a lot of rules to follow, and I think I broke most of them. It kept me a little on edge.

The second part of the night went by much quicker. The night wasn't as long as I was anticipating. I got a second wind and made it to daybreak with ease. I stayed up until the next evening and then crashed for a twelve-hour sleep.

Most importantly, I made a lifelong connection with my friend Zachary. I caught up with him before the ceremony and shared with him the contradictions within my life and the parallels to his life. He is truly my higher self which I did discover in Peru. Magic Mushrooms gave me a puzzle to figure out about him and my reticence to accepting this part of me. This was like the culmination of a journey of understanding. The next morning we hung out and really connected. I gave him a big hug and he said, "I love you, Paul." It really struck a chord deep inside and I felt it. I sense we will remain close. In a way I felt like I learned to love myself completely. I know he is going to hold my feet to the fire.

The community of kindred souls had a feast prepared for the morning. Everyone contributed to this and there was no monetary charge. I can see the pull and allure of these gatherings and the spirit they have nurtured.

I used the last day of my trip for quiet reflection and to record the insights gathered. Plant medicines trips unfold over time like the lotus. As nightfall approached, I reclaimed self and realized it is pointless to deny who I am. I embraced this crazy manifestation of God in this flesh and bone body. It's a cause for continual celebration. I am happy I made this trip. I wasn't feeling it coming down for sure but after the plant medicines and nourishment of the community here in Austin, my cup is filled once again.

It was truly astounding to hear the stories around the fire of how Parker touched people's lives, even those who had only a few interactions with him. The message of transforming conflict and division into love, passion, and unity is at the forefront of my thoughts. The unselfish acts of all leading up to the meeting in combination with the joy felt as the sun rose and we feasted, was truly a remarkable sight to witness. I can sense many lessons learned over the course of a few short days.

Thank you, Parker. I love you.

My path is the path of the heart through the Great Goddess. She is my heart and my mother and I venerate her. Intuitively, I know not to worship the Great God. Performing fellatio upon oneself has never been appealing.

Peyote showed me a path of the heart. I had been aware there are many paths, and the test is if it has heart. The Peyote Way of the NAC meets the criteria, however it's not for me. It's refreshing to know that I do have discernment. I was sure I fall in love too easily and would sacrifice much to keep that love going. In this case, I tasted an intoxicating love but knew it was not for me.

To thine own self be true.