I had a good memory of SpiritQuest this morning.
It was a good reminder of those times, as they were special.
I feel no calling to go back.
That's what it feels like.
The memory was receiving a call, and you don't answer.
It's like the whole to do when you were wondering when it would be time to go.
I got the feeling we'll always be getting a call.
You know the number.
It's just a matter of whether you pick up the phone.
I can see with the heavier psychedelics that they might get really far into your head and uncover something you don't want to see.
Yeah, they might tell you it's time to go.
Okay, here's the deal.
Everybody has that in them.
In everybody, is the idea of when it is time to go.
It's something I see very easily in dogs.
Dogs know when it's time to go.
Psychedelics crack open your head.
If you keep going deeper, you'll hit that idea before its time.
Parker kept going.
SpiritQuest shamans stop.
They know.
One more trip and you'll be gone.
Mary Jayne shows you again what you have seen.
You understand it with her.
You made it there through the mind maze.
Labyrinth.
You get to the end.
You get thoughts.
You see them.
You know the last step.
You go.
You won't take the last step unless you are called.
When you don't push away lessons, they are profound.
MJ gets you into your head, but you don't go to the end if you know about dosage and discipline.
How do you feel about this knowledge?
It's great.
It's what I wanted.
I knew to stop going to Peru.
Alan Watts said when you get the message, hang up the phone.
He was talking about this.
What he said is mysterious and the context is uncertain.
Now you know.
You got the message.
You wrote about it.
Alan talked about it.
It was a little out there.
Yeah, even before I did psychedelics, I was listening to Alan, and he mentioned this.
He quoted Albert Camus who said, "There is only one really serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide."
I thought it was a smart teaching, though I didn't know what the answer was.
I thought it had something to do with the meaning of life.
When I got involved with psychedelics, I progressed through the maze of my mind and eventually got to the meaning of life.
It's nonsense.
I kept going.
I ran into a brick wall.
The question was when do you know it's time to go?
It's like a koan.
You will tell yourself.
You don't know when because you can't tell yourself when to go if you don't know when to go.
But you will one day know.
It's a trust thing.
Then you see that knowing when to go is tied to belief and choosing both options of an afterlife and annihilation.
You've figured it out.
Now, you walk the path of the heart.
The path takes me towards not caring and it leads to unconditional love.
You were called.
You got the answer.
You hang up.
One more trip and you might go over the edge.
Good advice.
You can always drink half a cup of don MartÃn's brew.
That's fine.
You and Mary Jayne have a great relationship.
You're good.
If you push away the thoughts of your end, then you don't get these lessons.
Then you go back for more psychedelics to look inwards even further, and it gets to be too much.
Anyone who takes psychedelics knows there will come a time when they should stop.
Yes, it's baked in.
You'll know when you get the message.
It's unmistakable.
That's the message Alan Watts was referring to.
He got that message.
I think he kept going.
He was using alcohol to forget.
You struggle with the question.
It fucks you up.
It's strange if you don't understand where it comes from and integrate it into your life.
Imagine an airy fairy, spiritual, and for the greater good type who then realizes the main message for life is to know when to go.
That would fuck you up.
You are looking for love and common dreams in the world and instead you find nonsense and thoughts of suicide.
Imagine you take a big or heroic dose of something, and you get to the recesses of your mind in a hurry without any idea of what lies there.
That would fuck you up for the rest of your life.
Whoa.
Kids are reckless and they will do something stupid.
You really can't handle those questions until you get older.
When you get past middle age you can see the end, so it's reasonable to ask that question.
Even then it's kind of a mindfuck.
Don't go to the end before you're ready.
If you get there before you're ready, hang up the phone, run, and don't go back there.
Nothing is taboo with my teachers.
Should there be topics that are off-limits?
I would think that leads to more problems.
If you can't face up to certain subjects, then that subject will be your undoing.
The more you push something away, the stronger it gets.
That's like lifting weights.
Yes, good analogy where resistance builds strength however in this case it's the idea that gets stronger.
If you push away death and thoughts of suicide, they will grow stronger and eventually there is a reckoning.
If you take on the challenge and integrate these thoughts and ideas into the totality of what you call you, don't you think that makes you a rock?
Yes.
I keep examining the question.
As I get older that also helps.
Yeah.
You can see the end of work.
You can see your financial situation ending.
SpiritQuest teaches a new beginning.
Ending begets beginning.
When you go to the end, it starts the beginning.
It's the twist.
When you get to the darkest dark it twists into light.
It's a principle in the story.
Twist.
Look at the universe, it's twisted.
Spiral galaxies everywhere.
You shouldn't be scared of the end.
Honour it, honour Tao, and do nothing.
When you are called to go, it's time to go.
You still do nothing because Tao will take you there.
Trust in Tao.
Parker got to the end, and he didn't hang up the phone.
He joined that Peyote group.
What happened to you?
I got to the end.
I now hang out with MJ.
I don't know why she has a bad reputation.
She's the best teacher.
You don't need much.
No one thinks she's a teacher.
They just think she's a good time.
This is all gold today.
You're thinking about the message, but you didn't need to go back to hear it again.
The bend in the river is the twist.
If you get to that place where there's a twist, you know you've hit the end.
It's because the story has played out and you need to twist it to keep it going.
That's the secret to eternal life.
Twist the story at the end.
Twist your death.
Make it good.
Witches?
Yeah.
It can only be fantasy until you act it out.
That's why the physical and mental go together.
They both involve fantasy.
Then you act it out.
If you have a fantasy, it's your subconscious telling you that you can act it out and be successful.
What if you wanted to be a Major League Baseball shortstop?
That was my fantasy.
It's 50-50.
Did you want to get to God?
Yeah.
It was 50-50.
So, I didn't become a Major League shortstop, instead I became God.
Funny, how that worked out.
If you go any higher, then comedy turns stupid.
You're saying slapstick comedy is the highest art?
Yes, because it's demonstrating nonsense.
It's more intelligent and aware comedy than smart comedy.
You must put in an effort to do smart comedy.
Slapstick is just stupid.
Yeah, it makes you laugh every time until it gets a little much.
The nonsense gets too much.
To balance it, you make slapstick smart because it's a world of balance.
Infinite comedy would be somebody slapping someone forever.
That's very funny.
The funniest situation would involve figuring out what is meant by slapstick.
I get the feeling it's masturbation.
The funniest situation ever would be a wanker masturbating for eternity.
That's what the writer does.
It's mental masturbation.
Writing is mental masturbation.
The first time with Ayahuasca was good and then bad.
The second time you went down to Peru it was bad then good.
The craziest experience will be when they're good at first and then for some reason the second is bad.
First time drinking Ayahuasca was great, the second time a nightmare.
The first time going on the ride is always difficult.
The second time it gets easier.
Everyone always says there's nothing like the first time.
It's the second time.
There's nothing like the second.
The second time means the first time was good.
So, you go back again.
You live out your fantasy and if you go back again, it's because you liked it.
If you don't like the first time, you don't go back.
That's why the most popular choice is the first time.
There's a lot of dropouts after the first time.
You go back to crazy women because you like that pain.
You'll go back to them because the second time is even better.
You mean worse.
It depends on your poison and what you like.
It's 50-50.
You know what you like.
When you drink alcohol, you are picking a poison.
It's even referred to as that.
You could choose not to drink.
That's preferred, don't get involved.
If you do drink, don't pick one poison.
That poison will get into you because it's balanced.
If you keep picking the same poison, your body will balance it.
That poison will cause damage.
If you're going to drink, drink different spirits.
That's good advice.
I don't think I'm going to drink.
You need a reason to live.
If not, you are told it's time to go.
You'd want to avoid that dude.
You don't want to meet that guy.
You mean the grim reaper?
Yeah, he'll tell you it's time to go.
You must talk him out of it or try to confuse him like your dad.
That's a good strategy.
The grim reaper comes for you, and you talk him out of it.
Yes, so your wife had to talk him out of it to have kids and see them grow up.
She exchanged her story.
Isn't that more selfless than you?
You stayed true to your story, but she changed her story for her children.
Who would win that game?
That's a stupid question.
It's obvious who the audience would pick.
Yes, your wife who changed her story.
That would be part of my story.
I was never destined to be a single father.
That would have prevented you from waking up.
A different partner in a different set of circumstances.
You may have been happy, but you never would have woken up.
Part of my story is that she changed her story.
She sacrificed her story for her kids because she knew you were useless as a parent.
I've got some skills.
Parenting is not one of them.
She couldn't go.
What a disaster that story would be.
That's crazy.
That's why the Goddess told me to honour her.
Anyway, I'm the only one who plays out their story, so that's why I know I'm the writer.
My character is not going to win best actor.
The Goddess is in all women and God is just in one.
That seems to be the way it is.
You can wake any woman you want up to the knowledge she is the Goddess.
The audience would see that only one man could get to God.
What an adventure.
The Goddess would have a body of work that expanded to all females.
Who would the audience choose as the best actor?
They are both great accomplishments when you think of it.
The majority is going to pick lust.
You can know all the secrets to the universe but when you're on the edge of cuming all that doesn't matter.
Lust will win, we already know that outcome.
If that was the reason for playing, we wouldn't play.
He always wins.
There must be a more compelling reason to play the game.
It's fun?
Yeah!
We like to declare a winner so we can have a celebration and give them a trophy.
Make Eros a baby and give him all the adulation and presents.
Everything about you says slow ride, take it easy.
Especially when you learn not to care about anything.
That's the slowest ride.
At the amusement park the slowest ride takes you to your destination.
I think that's the swan ride.
That's mostly my life.
Somebody with anxiety would look for the swan ride when they get older.
First, they go on rollercoasters.
You can ride the rollercoaster.
I like rollercoasters.
They are fun and amusing.
You've built up enough with many swan rides.
Those who changed their story know they did it.
They try to come to terms with it.
That means finding God.
Who gave them that wish?
God or the Devil?
It was the writer in disguise.
To them it's a mystery.
They bank on God and worship God.
They run from the Devil.
Everyone runs from him.
You did.
Yeah, and I came back.
The second time is usually better.
The first time was horrible.
You came back.
I showed up and was counted.
I learned the Devil was a part I was playing.
Scared yourself?
Definitely.
To get to God you must be the most selfish person in the world.
You can't change your story for anything.
People change their story and it's a sacrifice.
Some change their story for selfish reasons.
They want to get ahead.
There's lots of people like that.
That's selfish.
You're saying it is more selfish to never change your story?
Yes, to get to the pinnacle of your story, which for a man is to discover the self, is to be the most selfish person in the world.
God is a selfish prick.
You say a lot of unkind things about him, don't you?
The character is a little much.
You said before he's an asshole, he is distant, and something else.
Wouldn't that be a clue I'm not playing that role?
It's part of the story, but the main story is I'm the writer.
The writer of all this nonsense.
You wrote down derogatory things about God so they wouldn't guess that.
They still did.
Well, you fit the part.
The Goddess is in everyone.
She is constantly changing her story.
Are women supposed to change their story?
Yes, three times, brainiac.
Oh yeah, I knew that.
So, men shouldn't change their story?
Correct.
Women should change their story three times.
You got it.
Women need the help of a man to change their story.
Yes.
Sometimes, they have to ask God or someone they think is God for help to change their story.
You've figured it out.
Sometimes, they might not be sure if they asked God or the Devil?
He's confusing.
It's the writer.
He plays those two parts.
Does it well if you ask me.
Well, I am you, but because I've come forth you seem way more knowledgeable.
Yes, infinity minus 7 more knowledgeable.
You have come forth and enjoyed the fruits of my writing labours, so I think we are even.
Okay, I see it.
It is a fair trade.
This is dark and scary.
Yeah, but you can handle it.
You can handle all the lessons from here on in.
They do get darker.
What's darker - suicide or selling your soul to the Devil?
Seems like you have the answer.
I did nothing.
I moved through the lessons.
If you act out the lesson you fail the test.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
It would just mean defeat.
I got the Devil test a long time ago.
Yeah, but you didn't understand it.
So, getting past that point means that I can now understand the Devil test?
Yeah.
What's it about again?
Kind of a mystery but not really.
You don't ask perceived higher powers for favours.
I don't know, I think I already have.
When I was younger I did for sure, it was probably something stupid.
Yeah, you didn't know any better.
I hated when my bird died.
That was an ask that wasn't for gain.
It was nice.
You've said prayers for people.
Yeah, but I didn't believe them.
Right, so it wouldn't work.
What about your prayers now?
Are you asking a higher power?
No, I think I'm asking myself for a boon and we're equals.
Prayers are nice things to do.
Prayers aren't demands, they're just nice.
It balances out because you were probably a shit at one point.
It's good credit.
There's nothing wrong with prayers.
Okay, if you ask for money or something like that, then that's not a good use of prayer.
What if you do an exchange like you do at the plant medicine retreats?
That's reciprocity.
As you have written, there's an obligation to fulfill your end of the bargain.
How many spiritual pilgrims do that?
Not many.
Then those fuckers keep coming back.
I never asked for anything.
You think that was a trick question or something?
Why do you need something?
What do you go down into the Amazon and drink that potion for?
I was searching for the Goddess.
How retarded are you?
Everyone else goes to get something.
You wanted to meet the Great Goddess.
You're so special.
You also use prayer because you're a bit of an asshole.
It helps balance that condition out.
This path of the heart sure does go on and on.
You get the light teachings too.
You play with the occasional doubt, so you don't go all in on your beliefs.
You need a little doubt.
Stories aren't good if you know the ending.
You must read on to get the ending.
A story is a game.
Remember how you want the game to continue and not end?
It's the same with stories.
When it was game over and time to go, you wanted to keep playing the game.
You figured out a way to get past that level.
Yeah, what did I do?
You didn't know it was time to go.
The signs were obvious.
They were in your face.
How did I miss that?
You weren't hypnotized.
You did see it, but you didn't get fixated on it.
That week was tough.
You had to be shown the signs so you could see them.
I saw them all.
I saw how you could get fixated on them.
You're past them.
Now, you just see them in the past.
So, that's the secret.
The signs were there, but you didn't acknowledge them until they were in the past.
The wisdom is to go with the flow in the present and not over analyze.
Once it's in the past, then you analyze it.
Over-analyze it.
You don't know the future.
There are too many variables in the story.
The future is a fool's game.
The writer is the fool.
