eternal student

Magic has been practiced throughout human history. The efficacy of magic isn't good. There is something to it and thus practitioners continue on in their quest to figure out the secret behind making it most effective. Looking back into history is discovered the ancient Egyptians used rituals to boost the chances of a spell working. This has been the default for various conjurers throughout history. Elaborate rituals are conducted based upon previous success and thus the exact same protocols must be followed if the magic is to work. Alas the conversion rate remains slim.

The greatest magicians have a little more success but still are looking for the supreme magical way to ensure spells will work. It's the holy grail of the discipline and they are all looking for the answer. I never paid attention to magic until it started appearing in my life with regularity. This coincided with my foray into the world of plant medicines which have been described as magico-religious rituals. There is definitely something to the description. Within minutes of my first use of Ayahuasca I was thrown into a world of magic I had no idea existed. I was naive when I went down into the Amazon jungle to drink this potion. I believed I'd see visions, waking dreams I surmised, but had no idea about this world.

My first experience revealed a great deal of knowledge which I didn't understand. The Great Goddess appeared before me and said to come away with her. I knew this meant leaving the physical world and I wasn't ready for that. I told her I still had responsibilities in this world to contend with and a desire to continue seeking to discover more about my world. The experience was vibrational, and I could tell the way into the occult was through altering your vibration. The Great Goddess told me all is vibration and that has been a touchstone guide towards my attempts at trying to figure out the mysteries of the universe. During that initial ceremony I noticed the shaman was living in-between the vibrational cycles. What I mean is he or she is functioning on the slope of the wave between the two frequencies. This allows the shaman to keep one foot in both worlds. They rhythmically shake their leaf bundle, called a shacapa, and sing songs to potentiate this cycle. If you think about this in terms of music, it becomes clearer. A solid tone gets annoying really quick and what makes it interesting is the decay and reverberation. This is the in-between state or in terms of witchcraft, it is the hag who straddles the hedge between these worlds.

The raising of your vibration (or lowering) coupled with the base you started from allows you to psychically travel. You remain grounded and cycle between mind states. In that first experience I counted three distinct journeys into and out of a different realm where the Great Goddess was waiting for me. By the third trip, I was wary of the rollercoaster and wanted off as the novel experience was too much. I went back for a second ceremony two nights later and I'm fairly sure the shaman altered the brew. The vibrational cycle took me to another place, it felt like a lower frequency, and I was dropped into hell. The result was a terrible fright and a wariness to experiment with these obfuscated realms of consciousness.

I got over the fright and two years later continued exploring consciousness planes. You'll never know the limits of your mind unless you test the limits of your mind. It's been ten years, I've learned quite a lot, and I don't get scared anymore. There's some anxiety and a worry I might not return from these voyages, but I expect those thoughts. My dreams have become compelling as a corollary to all this experimentation. I learned how tobacco potentiates the dreaming activity and started regularly smoking jungle tobacco, called mapacho, seven years ago. I think I'm a slow student. It takes a while for knowledge to click into understanding though I do take notes regarding what is happening. The use of tobacco and its effects took me a long time to understand, however I eventually figured it out. Tobacco is the bridge the shaman uses to stay within the two worlds. The shaman is always in-between, and tobacco is their ally. The weak shaman will engage other shamans with their newfound power. They are the brujo sorcerers who do battle with each other, testing out their powers in a battle to see who is the most powerful. My searching led me to hapé, which is tobacco snuff. Once I started using this, I could see how it brought me into a higher vibrational state and the regular use of it kept me there. The doorway into a different plane greets me with a gust of wind and a trembling throughout my body. It was a short step to putting the pieces all together.

We live in a predictable world with physical laws. The laws are not orders, but regularities. The scientific method is a predictor of dependable outcomes. When this is proven by many it becomes a law. This is our world. When you change your vibration and enter a different world, it isn't governed by those laws. These worlds are not physical, and their essence is created by mental energy. Thoughts create these other worlds in the same way our dreaming activity at night makes up new worlds out of nothing. Dreams are the doorway into magic and a clue to how it works. The high functioning magician knows this and enacts their magic spells in the different consciousness planes. The hard part is bringing magic back into our world. No one knows how to do it with any regularity. So, within the genre you have the tried-and-true rituals and ceremonies which are designed to make the magic efficacious. Prayer and appeals to higher powers are invoked to make it happen. The holy grail of magic is the quest to figure out a way to bring magic into our world with a great conversion rate.

I know I manifest my desires. With enough time I figure out everything. It seems ostentatious for me to suggest I will learn how to do this. I wouldn't bet against it. 

pearl

The path of the heart is one of those challenging courses requiring effort to pass. I remember skating through most of my education as a youth and only being challenged by higher math courses. I put no effort into them and didn't do well. In post-secondary studies, I saw others drop courses or switch majors when things got too hard. My current predicament is along those lines where I must put forth a solid effort, or continual failure is the result. I failed the first part of the course. It would have been easy to say this is too difficult and leave this institution. It would have given me temporary relief with the effect of leaving my life more than a mess than it already is.

I think I have come across that predicament more than once during my incessant search for the meaning of life. The old saying about enlightenment goes along the lines of if you are thinking about becoming enlightened, don't do it. If you have already started, you should go all the way. In other words, don't half-ass it and don't give up if you made the unwise decision to attempt it. Similar is said about being red-pilled where it is for the best you remain ignorant of your situation here on earth. It will be more enjoyable a ride if you remain ignorant. If you take the red pill, swallow it whole. If it gets caught in your throat, it will just turn you into an angry and unpleasant malcontent who holds others in contempt. You will see how the world works but not understand why.

My journey is inexorably tied to psychoactive plant medicine. The beginning phase of my awakening was clueless about substances which change consciousness. As my studies progressed, I was shown different modalities of altering your vibration to move into obfuscated realms which throughout history have been branded as the occult. The study of alchemy is such a discipline which tries to reconcile who we are now with our destiny. Alchemical gold is concealed from the greedy pretenders who think it is a way to materially turn lead into gold. When truths are revealed to the human masses, it must contain a layer of misdirection to weed out the unworthy. The sincere aspirant will see through the facade. The Bible contains these layers as well. Humans want a reward and are frighteningly stupid at times. As a species we are easily led. We don't question things. We blindly follow authority. We conform to the wishes of a society set up to use us. We forfeit our mental capacities in times of crises and engage herd mentality. We are lied to and propagandized, and we accept it. Because of this, the truth of who you are must be kept secret. It is not for the unwashed sheep. Our human nature will rend it into a useless junk heap. Jesus Christ understood this well. In his Sermon on the Mount, he proclaimed the following in Matthew chapter 7 (New International Version):

6 Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

Even finding a path such as plant medicines will not automatically get you what you seek. When I found them and did my first ceremony, I was astonished. Wow! My second and third ceremonies were the opposite. They pushed me away. This seeker isn't getting in. I was given a huge dose of fear, I became afraid, and was told to leave and never return upon penalty of death. When I summoned the courage to return, I was offered power over everything. I declined. In retrospect I see it. Many can stumble upon this path, so that layer of testing you to discover your intentions must be present to keep the greedy away from the pearl. A lot of us have good intentions when encountering the promise of plant medicines but then can't help ourselves. The light goes on in our head and soon we are taking advantage of the knowledge and using it to gain monetarily or increase our power and prestige because of it. It's a process that will ensnare most of us. If you sidestep these pitfalls, imagine then having to deal with the human emotion of envy? I've seen everything these prominent spiritual people have seen but I walk a lonely road with little recognition. All I get is I'm weird and crazy. Others get prestige and gravitas. Keep going. Chop wood and carry water.

The spiritual journey is punctuated by failure. That's a hard one to accept if you are building a brand. The spiritual enterprise known as Deepak Chopra can't experience falling down and failure. Who'd buy incense from that guy? In my previous recent blog posts, I've revealed what a failure I am in this path of the heart course. I was taught an important lesson through abject failure to adhere to previous lessons. I had to be shown what I would do once again in real time in order to realize the proper way to love. This is the introduction to the course. Here's a punch to the gut, a kick to the curb, and now think about it. It's not particularly hard to see what happened. You'll get it soon enough with a little effort. I progressed through this phase and was given a good dose of suffering. I don't wish that upon anyone, and I sense its potential to shatter your world. The course is relentless and soon enough the next lecture was scheduled.

Possessive love is not true love and thus subject to qualifiers. If you want to get over someone who caused you pain you can turn your emotions into anger and hate. Add a few drops of that elixir to the situation and see what happens. Don't add too much or you'll regret it. I can see why the world is full of negative emotions as it dulls the pain of suffering.

The path of the heart is to lead to loving all with no exceptions. Recent events have revealed I don't love all. Petty interactions with miserable people have led towards despising my neighbours. I have trouble loving someone I despise. Examining my predicament, I see the allure of becoming a hermit. I can love everyone if I don't have to deal with them.

The overall spiritual journey at first leads you to an external search for answers. It's a fun and exhausting trip towards what is calling out to you. I read a lot of books, I search the internet, I took courses at the local University, I travelled to Egypt, and I headed into the Amazon jungle. There's something hackneyed about the whole I searched everywhere for something that was always within. It's true, what you seek you will find within. The journey doesn't have to stop there though because in my experience it's cyclical. Once you discover it within, if you keep going you will find it externally. You must or couldn't love all.

Huachuma was the perfect catalyst for this part of the course. The strength of the intoxication altered my vibration to the point where I saw myself present in others. What made me who I am was present in the group of twelve other people I was with. It's an interesting symbolism, right? I don't want to compare myself to Jesus but what the hell, I will! Jesus' 12 disciples were aspects of him, even the ones that betrayed him - I'm looking at you Judas and Peter. Anyway, I was witness to self externally in others. Projecting this out throughout all of humanity allows you to see yourself in everyone. I readily accepted this and knew it was the answer to the question of how to love all.

In addition, it allows easy understanding of a concept that is troubling. As I have progressed upon this path, part of my awakening has involved realizing I'm God. Because of cultural bias and misunderstanding, this pisses a lot of people off. It's either dismissed, ridiculed, or I'm thought of as nuts. So, if you can see yourself in everyone else, what does that mean? We are all divine. Goddess and God. I'm not exclusionary with a monotheistic bent. God and Goddess are everything and everyone. It's just that no one sees this, so they react to my assertions in a negative way. Those that do discover this tend to aggrandize self and get locked away in a psychiatric institute. Then there's me.

You know what's cool about all of this? The whole Goddess and God drama plays out within all the different consciousness planes. You know this spiritual drivel flows through me like diarrhea. I keep writing and on it goes. At the plane of faster vibration all become one and there is no differentiation. Goddess and God are one. The oneness flows outwards into creation much like the sexual act in our dimension. Our world mirrors what happens in the higher planes of consciousness. The resultant child of the union creates a universe. Each iteration of Goddess and God contains within the all. This energetic happening comes forth in our consciousness plane as the sexual union of woman and man. It's the same energy doing the dance of creation. It's a gift on the spiritual path to see this and propels you further so you don't get stuck.

This path is what I wanted. I've tried to sabotage it and find a way to get off. I've cried at night to let me be so I could fulfill some other desire. I made a pact with self when I came here which involves keeping me going in the direction of the path of the heart. It's why I'm here and acceptance goes a long way towards understanding why things have worked out for me in the way they have.

I took the first step towards awakening at middle age. It wasn't solely spiritual but more of a Matrix like red pill which opened my eyes to a world which wasn't what it pretended to be. I've gotten this far, and it animates my life. I'll keep going as far as I can.

i am two

Maintaining a blog with a regular writing schedule has allowed me to witness the progression of knowledge into understanding. It’s actually quite fascinating to track the progression from an inkling of what’s going on to the point where I grasp what is happening.

That’s the opener that will allow me to once again write about my shadow. Shadow is the name used because it collectively refers to all my traits, personalities, desires, and passions I bury while this other character who is shaped by his culture takes centre stage. The shadow is a convenient toy box where I discard everything I have chosen to repress and suppress. The shadow becomes scary and evil because it’s the place I hide all my negative traits in addition to a whole slew of other psychic pressures. At some point in our lives, the shadow will rise to the surface and inflict pain in order to lay claim to this incarnation. People go mad. You thought you could have this life all for yourself? When the time comes, we got pills to numb the upset.

Do you remember as a kid being sent to the dark basement in order to retrieve something? The trip was very unnerving; we’d grab what was necessary and get the hell back up the stairs. Why do we psychologically have that reaction? Well, subconsciously we equate the physical basement with the buried shadow, and we wish for it to remain hidden and forgotten about.

Culture assigned me an identity when I was too young to know better and protest. I was told I was this person, though there is no evidence that I am just the one. I had to choose who I would elevate and bury the other contenders. I had to assume and cultivate an identity that had no relation to my initial perception of self. I had to bury the other in order to fit in. For most of us, we bury the other and forget about them until times of hardship and stress create a crack in the unified persona field. At this moment the other re-appears, causing a psychic disturbance which is troubling for the unprepared.

I have been playing with this knowledge for a few years now. Within my psychic self, I see two contenders for the throne. I call my opponent the shadow and we have reconciled. He’s still mysterious and I am still learning of his ways. I got out of the shower this morning and he decided I was ready to have another truth bomb. He asked me a question: “Why did you think you were just one psychic manifestation within your human body?” I know why he was asking a question because it’s his way of making me realize the assumption of one owner of this body was an endemic cultural truth I never questioned until much later in my life. This body is mine and there’s no getting around that! Oh shit… he’s right. If you have read my recent blog posts, I’ve explored the two with the one in terms of biblical tales of Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, and of course I always bring it back to the ancient Egyptian battles between Horus and Set. This is the pattern of understanding in my life where it comes slowly over time until the epiphany. The reveal had been coming until finally the day came where he was like, “Look, the human psyche is dual and the failure to recognize the timeshare will lead to mental illness. Human psychological wholeness is not to be found in our culture, so mental illness is the resulting plague.”

As knowledge has transformed into understanding, it has become clear to me that I’m not the only one psychologically inhabiting this body. That’s a crazy statement but I have experienced this phenomenon, sat with it, repeated the experience, and have now come to not only accept it, but embrace it, and no longer run from this timeshare.

My recent experience with the plant medicine Huachuma put the question of who I am front and centre. For two weeks, I drank psyche-splitting medicine every other day and sat with a multi-faceted projection of self. The psychic manifestations of self were multitudinous and extended into my known sphere of influence. Truly, I am the polished jewel at the fount of this mental construct that creates this world and emanates different playmates into the construct, so I have others to share in this adventure. I knew I was mentally strong enough to handle this mind fuck and not go mad. Sanity remained within my grasp though I saw how easy it was to fall off the edge of the cliff. It's what I wanted and so gifted with the experience, I did my best to navigate the tumultuous seas and explore the deep recesses of my mind. The other consisted of many iterations of self; in fact, it was infinite, and they all were vying for control of the construct of self. I am truly the King and am in charge. Am I the legitimate ruler of self? I do feel like the driver and not threatened, but I do sense I am two. I sense the two claimants to the throne of self. Me and my shadow.

I had been familiar with the disturbance that stretches back far into my life prior to using psychedelics. I was aware of this cyclical force that would always return. Culture allowed me to project and classify the disturbance as being pathology and religion allowed me to relegate the force to the demonic. I certainly at times felt possessed. Alternatively, the other can play the cultural part of God or Jesus; you know, that voice that speaks to you or the manifestation of the divine who is so real but appears only to you. You worship your shadow and congregate with others who are doing the same. Ha! Such a magician! My situation came to a head when I ventured into the Amazon jungle and drank this powerful psychedelic brew called Ayahuasca. I came face to face with this demon. I had an inkling it was my shadow self, but I wasn’t exactly sure. At any rate, he scared the fuck out of me, and I ran. I just had to run; I was that frightened. I later saw Jesus in the jungle town. My shadow had come to help me out of my crisis using the Christ gambit. I see it all so clearly now. Such a great performance, yet I didn’t fall for it. This perceived demon followed me home, continued to harass me, and I tried to shake him off. Eventually, I went into full lockdown mode and demonstrated I had the ability to transform myself from weak to strong. In time, I released myself from my self-inflicted austerity and began the process of re-integrating the self. I’d like to say I was aware of what I was doing and had a plan, but I didn’t. I just did what I had to do to maintain a grip on what I thought was reality.

If nothing else, I earned respect. Respect from my shadow. I did the impossible. When I put all the pieces of the puzzle together and realized it was because of my shadow that I transformed my character from weak to strong, from beta to alpha, and into a warrior, the relationship changed. I completely knew what he had done for me with his unordinary teaching methods that forced me to transform or perish. Alternatively, I could have figured out a way to continue to suppress him as I had for most of my life. I’m sure I would have found something because I am resourceful. I chose to transform and here I am.

Yes, here I am. Transformed and realizing that I can no longer take all the glory and never let go of the wheel. That’s awful trusting, isn’t it? If I give my shadow the keys to the car, will he ever give them back? Let it go and relax. He did something for me I could never possibly repay. My life is a partnership from here on in. The new journey is just beginning because I have a good idea what my shadow is capable of and I’m just coming along for the ride. This power is off-limits to most but for those who discover it the temptation is too great. Without reconciling first with your shadow, you’ll be offered power and you’ll take him up on the offer. The end result is it will either destroy you or you’ll become all that you tried to bury. Your other half will end up destroying your greedy self.

This sounds like a flight of fancy and delusion. I’m telling you within all of us is a master magician who holds the key to all you desire. The power is all there ready for you to sell your soul in order to get your hands on it.

I like it when I stumble upon answers to questions that have vexed humanity for aeons. There’s an old saying about power and how it corrupts, and complete power corrupts completely. It’s an accurate predictor of giving someone power and therefore the most enlightened governmental systems put checks and balances upon the power a politician can wield. Within human history, the ugliness of power has reared its head in the actions of those who rule over others, whether that be political, religious, or the economic oppression enacted by mercantilists in it for gain. We had slavery and serfdom which has now been replaced by rapacious capitalism that exploits third world emerging markets for cheap labour while stealing their resources. Without a check on power, the world order will return to an enlightened form of serfdom where the vast majority will own nothing and be happy; happy as in numbed. Most will never own anything of substantial value as it will be beyond their price range and thus, we will transition into a rental economy. For the most part, the direction I see the world headed is one where if you do participate in the culture and are a good and obedient wage slave you will be socially taken care of. Revolutions are to be avoided at all costs by those in power. They have learned the lessons of history well. Power and control are the ultimate motivators for humans and there is no lack of examples of how the acquisition of power will play out.

So, I have been cautious about the power aspect in my exploration of consciousness. Teachers have hinted about the acquisition of power via this method of probing the fringes of the psychic human experience. At first, I didn’t know what they were talking about, even though I had a run in with a shady entity in my initial explorations who did offer me a lot of power. I declined because my focus was on the Great Goddess. After about seven years of walking this path, repeating lessons, and moving on in my journey, I started to put together all I had experienced, and I clearly saw into the darkness. I saw power, gobs of it; I walked down that mysterious path and it was unveiled. I broke free of the chains of culture and the bonds of my fellow man and came face to face with the great magician and that magician was me.

It’s pretty tempting to try it out once you get this far and see it. My journey into my darkness was ultimately one to find reconciliation and I wasn’t after power. I left power alone and wanted to understand just who this is; once again, discarding what culture was telling me. Culture was telling me to stay away. Culture told me this was animal nature. Culture told me this was evil. Culture told me this was the Devil. Culture did everything it could to scare me away. Religious and spiritual paths told me to head for the light; shine a light on the darkness and subdue it. Where’s the balance in this advice? I don’t want the path of righteousness and faux enlightenment. I want to rediscover the mystery that has been long lost and buried.

I learned that explorers of consciousness that get to the gates of hell do one of two things: either they turn back and take pains to avoid this region, or they succumb to temptation and sell their soul for power. In terms of the potential psychological result from discovering this realm, if you keep exploring let me explain. You think you’re it and that this incarnation is all yours. The body is your vehicle and you’re the sole owner. It’s not true. Essentially, what you have buried is your other half whom we call the shadow because he has been forgotten. You selfishly took this incarnation for your own and commenced the struggle of life. When you re-discover who you have buried, you give him the keys to the car in exchange for fulfilling all your desires. It’s transactional but he is going to crash your car.

Maybe I’m a good student? I paid attention in class, and I now know of this power. He’s my best friend and I’ve reconciled. We share this incarnation and I ask nothing of or from him; instead, just recognize he has as much title to this body as I do. He knows my deepest and darkest secrets and well a lot of them overlap. In addition, I can navigate the vagaries of culture while he makes stuff happen. He has demonstrated this to me time and time again; first, starting with little coincidences and synchronicities to the point where the game is now pretty interesting. I’m street smart and I’ll never ask for any boon unless there’s an agreed upon reciprocal arrangement beneficial for both parties. I don’t want control; I want freedom. I see in getting what I want will just bring more attachment and thus my liberation is compromised. I definitely don’t want that. With him an equal partner, I remain strong while riding the rollercoaster of life. I will get my share of the thrills and take the spills with humility, knowing that life is to be filled with triumphs and defeats. What keeps me going is knowing this is what I want. In my quiet moments, I will commune with myself, the darkness and the light. We will have a group hug, a big laugh, and tears of joy. We will walk hand in hand, knowing of our unbreakable brotherhood.

magic class

When I first started on the plant medicine path, I was curious and lacked knowledge of the plants. I was looking for a way to contact the Great Goddess and after a manic and determined search, I discovered a way to come into contact with her. It was through the shamanic plant medicine Ayahuasca, to which I was led, that I came into her presence. The alteration of consciousness allowed me to enter into the occult and find what I was looking for. These plants were sometimes called magic, and I deduced this is what they do and thus the magical qualities of them. The magic was the lifting of the veil to see into obfuscated realms. A little taste of the unknown was a bit scary, however with repeated forays into the occult eventually you get somewhat used to it and can get your bearings.

I’m a good student though sometimes a slow learner. Repeated trips to these strange places taught me much about who I am and the power I possess. I know who I am and why I’m here. What took me a while to realize is another level and meaning to the description of magic plants. The magic is there for you to claim, if you want it. And it’s your choice of how you want to use that power. The maestro don Howard would hint at this in his introductions to the retreats he held. I was always curious about what he meant and then being a student of the plants, eventually I realized what he was talking about. My spiritual brother Parker accelerated the process when he’d tell me that, “Things start happening for you instead of to you.” This statement was an acknowledgment of the unfolding of the magic that was temporarily beyond your grasp or maybe we just didn’t want to admit it at that point in time. Things start happening for you because subconsciously you direct the play toward outcomes you wish. Unintended consequences are always part of the stew, so sometimes it’s best to leave it be. You get what you want and can leave a trail of destruction in your wake.

My sixth trip to Peru in 2020 led me to an unfolding of the magic at a different level. I finally got past my trepidation of the darkness that these substances inculcate. I reconciled with the darkness and when he came during ceremony, I started to befriend him instead of cycling into a psychotic puddle. This deep energy from within the recesses of my being would rise to the surface and the power being expressed was quite evident. There was another level to these plants. I was onto the mystery and ready to explore. Upon returning home, I noticed when desires would rise within me, I would be presented with opportunities to satiate them. Is that what you want? How about this? I should have clued in earlier. After my first trip to Peru in 2013, I was given the answer to an unanswered millennials old question. All I had to do was ask and I got the answer. The fact I didn’t abuse the privilege prevented me from clearly seeing the magic available to me, however I also established a trust with my multiple psychic manifestations that I wouldn’t go mad or abuse power. I let it go and continued on my spiritual journey up the mountain. I was intent on venerating the Great Goddess and not interested in the power aspect of the plants. Eventually, the magic power available was in my face and being an intrepid explorer, I knew I had to see what this was.

This last trip to Peru and the return to my everyday life while still in the arms of the strongest medicine I have ever drank has allowed me to be witness to the unfolding of the magic and then unpack how it is used by not only myself but by others. I learned that plant medicines are called magical because they unlock your potential to manipulate people and events to get what you want. The magic is not only being able to see into the occult, but also to see the power in you that at first scares you silly. Eventually, you learn that untapped power is the director of the play, and it is you. You can shape your adventure into what you wish, or you can just let the game unfold. The temptation is to grab the cheat codes to life and have more control over the direction of your life. I mean we all do that in a way with the pursuit of wealth which will give us power. We then use the economic power to control outcomes and make our lives how we wish to live. Unlocking the magic within allows you to access whatever you want, as well as learning there’s still a reciprocal element to the process. What that means is the unintended consequences which result from getting what you want. It's best to address them before the whole construct blows up in your face.

The above was a primer to the past weekend where I ate some magic mushrooms and had an unexpected intense experience. The dose was less than a gram and shouldn’t have brought on such a psychedelic mindset. The experience that threw me for a bit of a loop lasted only a wave of the medicine to which I was grateful. I had thoughts of four hours of this uncomfortable teaching energy and wasn’t thrilled. As I sank into the weight of the alteration of consciousness, I became a little distraught knowing I’ll see things I don’t want to see. I want knowledge though and here it was coming, naked and true. The magic in magic mushrooms was on full display. I went into the magic and hypnotic realm of the weird and looked into the soul of my fellow adventurer. I saw the darkness within them and how they wanted to use it to hypnotize and manipulate. That challenge is the fire and attraction which brings us together. It is a game because it doesn't work on me. Well, maybe at first but the resources within me and my own abilities will recognize the process. Ultimately, it is liberating because the subsequent acknowledgement that feelings are authentic, true, and not under a spell allows you to see what it is you want. Another lesson was that many cultivate this magic, some don’t even know they are doing it, and then the game is to keep the spell going as long as possible. Once it wears off and can’t be renewed, the whole edifice comes crashing down.

I know of my magic and this past week my intention has been to cultivate this magic further. Less than a week after setting this intention, here I was on a beach in April with magic mushrooms and tobacco snuff pouring this magic energy out of me with the waves of the lake picking up on the outpouring of my energy and crashing into the shore. This is all a culmination of the magic plant having revealed to me the strength of the magic possessed by a fellow journeyer. When I realized the awesomeness of this knowledge I was being shown, I sank into it. I saw the hypnotic spells of a practicing witch. I saw the curiosity of one whose dependable machinations to get what they want wasn’t working. The hypnosis wasn’t doing its thing and the magic was being thwarted. If there was any doubt about my power, this little outing put it to rest.

I know I can’t be hypnotized. It makes life less enjoyable at times. I can’t dance because I rebel against hypnotic rhythms. I sometimes pretend to be enchanted in order that I can lose myself in the moment and go with the flow. However, with the initial use of Ayahuasca I constantly commented within ceremony, then later while writing about the experience, how hypnotic the experience is. The feminine Goddess present with Ayahuasca wants to take you into her world and charms and she does this through hypnosis. I could never fully let go into the spell. I allowed her medicine to break the spell of life and culture in order to free myself from that world but once free I wasn’t going under another spell. When I first encountered the depths of the darkness within, once again this was highly hypnotic and full of dark magic. Playing cards of a neon green were spinning above me and an odd sound was filling up my auditory senses. Encountering this sleepy demon was the most frightening event in my life. I didn’t want to fall under his spell and so I ran out of the maloca into the dark jungle night, determined to escape the enchantment.

I flag the hypnotic elements of a plant medicine journey right away and now I play with it. I know how to make the session heaven and I know how to make it hell. I know how not to get scared and then to extract knowledge from the trip. This is what I did. Once I got past the discomfort of the darkness, I mined the experience. It was alchemical gold. I confirmed another’s magic charms and allowed myself to fully realize my power. It’s no longer buried and unlocked within the recesses of my psychic being. The power is in my hands now and I can do what I wish. I can play any game I want with it.

The witch I befriended is the human expression of a plant medicine. They take hold of you and can bring you to heaven or send you to hell. They are unpredictable rollercoasters. They have knowledge of medicinal plants and their uses. They always have a bag full of some kind of intoxicating aid in their game of spells. They know how to use their magic charms to try and get what they want. I see the attraction at both ends and what sustains it. I wanted a worthwhile playmate who could further my understanding of this most interesting game called life. A universe of magic that has been stamped out and redirected into this paradigm that the world is actually rational and can be explained by our physics. Ha! It’s not. This is a realm of magic, and it is waiting for you to rediscover. There has to be multiple compelling reasons for a soul to want to incarnate into this hell. The draw of magic to quench what it is you desire has to be a major catalyst. Even if you get a bad roll of the chance dice, you can always find the ways of the occult to redirect your journey back onto the path you wanted to take.

I realize I’m quite the enigma. I present as controllable but once the layers start to peel, the game changes and I’m revealed as the joker in the deck of cards. I’m the wild card you’d eventually run into. I play the fool in Tarot and convince others I don’t know who I am. They still don’t believe me when I flat out tell them who I am and that I know it. The master magicians of this world still think I’m asleep and under their spell. I was asleep but not under their spell. I just lacked knowledge. Once I saw the truth, I knew the game. I know that if I think I’m crazy, I’m not crazy. The pathology lies within thinking you're sane. The joker maintains his grip upon the game by embracing the madness. As the joker, I know the game being played and I go along with it. They don’t think I know, but I know. That’s the crazy part and the elixir to keep me sane.

When under the direct influence of a plant medicine, knowledge pours in. It can be so unbelievable I’m hesitant to accept it as fact. I have been a party to this enough and done the necessary validation checks that I accept it. When I take the knowledge literally then it can go off the rails. I do think there is some truth to taking it literally, but I know enough about the plants to realize the lesson is metaphorical, some would say a mystery to solve post experience. I don’t think plant medicine ever leaves you and thus slowly unveils the meaning to you. In addition, the knowledge the process unlocks makes you realize this journey is never ending. Just when you think you've discovered what it is you were looking for, another mystery presents itself in full view and entices you into its grasp, inviting you to explore further.

So, that’s my fantastical tale. You are under no obligation to believe it or think magic is real.

luck be a lady tonight

The forming of the left-hand path into defined groups is very amusing. You are going to find the answers you seek through introspection and a relentless search for truth. The clarity you seek will not come from the other and their words. However, the left-hand path leads to the heart and unity, so the pull towards community is understandable though the homogenization of beliefs will terminate understanding.

The perception of the left-hand path in culture is perfection. It's two-fold in its relationship to culture. The connection to the occult and satanism keeps people away which is a positive. The difficulty is walking the path when you see it because of the cultural roadblocks. This process assures one of their intentions. You wouldn't do it unless you knew it's the way.

The left-hand path is the path of the heart. The Great Goddess will lead you back home to your heart and like all paths, you sure can get lost on the way. Human beings want someone to worship, and you'll meet Satan along the way, and he is very cunning. He will fulfill all your desires, if that's what you want. Like Odysseus and his men experienced, the temptations are great. You can rub the lamp, the genie will appear, and will give you what you want. These ancient stories are myths which are concealing the truth. The wreckage along the path is great because when we see it, we want it. Power. Greed. Control. Desire fulfillment. Yeah, I want it all! And thus, you show your hand, and the game is over.

The left-hand path is difficult to discover because it is not lit up. The right-hand path of glory has the light and attracts the followers who chase the divine spirit. It's a foregone conclusion that we will be attracted to the bright lights. Who wants to do the work on themselves in anonymity? When I become ultra-holy, I want everyone to know about it. I want to take my place among the great enlightened sages of all time. I want to be famous for my beatitude.

Who knows

doesn’t talk.

Who talks

doesn’t know.

Closing the openings,

shutting doors

Lao Tzu in the Tao Te Ching (translation by Ursula K. Le Guin)

One of the first lessons I received from my foray into the occult were these two paths of right and left. I remember in vision looking to my right and seeing the nighttime jungle lit up with a radiant 3D quality to it. When I looked to my left, it was dull and lifeless. I didn't understand it at the time but duly recorded my observations. Like everyone else, I was attracted to the light, yet my subsequent explorations of the subconscious led me to the darkness. I fought the presentation of this part of what just is, until finally letting go of my fear, and developing the courage to explore. My world changed after that internal struggle was over and I was free to explore the darkness, unencumbered by the fear inculcated into me by a shepherding cultural authority.

You will be tested. I am intimately familiar with who we call Satan. The truth is the only way is through, and the carnage is immense. Us humans all have something that is going to wreck us and fuck up our game, and the only way to continue along the path of the heart is to walk through the fire. Head straight into the pyre of desire and let it consume you. One of the master teachers, Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche, died a drunk at the age of 48. Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh was full of lust and Rolls Royces. Ha! You think little you can do it? Who do you think you are?

I'm naturally left-handed and was gifted this incarnation with the tools to finally walk the path back home to the garden of the heart. This doesn't mean I can avoid the pitfalls, but I do have it within me to be successful. I know what mortal desire I carry within, and I've tried all the tricks to get rid of it. Finally, I accepted it and headed straight for the fire, prepared to face my ruin. I had to do it. I flooded my senses and ate so much of the candy. I then saw the way past the big crater on the path. The truth will set you free. Throw off the chains of cultural control and shame. Full indulging of the senses will in turn make you sick and the overload on your system will repel you. The hangover after a drunken night out makes you claim you'll never drink alcohol again. Sure enough, within a few days you are back at it. The trick is to make revolting the thought of just a drop of alcohol. You'll have to really poison yourself, almost to the point of death, to enact the transformation and come through the fire.

If I only knew about this 15 years ago it would have prevented a lot of suffering! Admittedly, this method didn't help Rajneesh or Trungpa. They succumbed. The teachings were true, but the man was consumed in the fire.

I don't know what the future holds and that gives the game the juice needed to continue. I think I'm past the last obstacle in the path which was the remaining chakra gate to the heart. My fate is resting precariously on the balance at the Hall of Ma'at.

As always, in this strange world time will tell and reveal my fortune. A glance at the clock says 11:11, so maybe luck will be a lady tonight.

in passing

I was taking some time to think about time. What I was thinking about is that time is a measurement of motion and distance caused by motion. This line of thinking leads me towards throwing away notions of the past and future and understanding it is always now. To reconcile this conundrum in my brain I think of existence as an unfolding of a process. The process is not pre-ordained but like a plant that flowers, ultimately it is going to flower unless an event terminates its growth. Without getting bogged down in the vagaries of the philosophy of time, I transitioned into a related topic. The topic is the intrinsic knowledge that everything is the flow of the same source, which is my way of describing non-duality. We are the ones who create separation through our sense perceptions. Much like time, it is distance that creates duality in that objects that are far apart in time give the illusion they are separate. Conceptually, I understand all this.

The fact remains though that we do have specific sense perceptions that evolved in order to give us a sense of separation. So, was this by accident or is it the natural order? In other words, is the progression of energy that cycles between non-duality and duality; to wit darkness and light, all part of the process? Is the pull of adventure and gamesmanship the juice that manifests the universe and creates a giant playground to make all our dreams come true?

You see, I became skeptical of non-duality being the only true state of energy and that duality was an illusion because of the fingerprint and how no two human fingerprints seem to be alike. What is the purpose of that biological curiosity? I deduced it is because of the divine feminine’s power of being able to take energy and create form in conjunction with the divine masculine’s ability to separate form. The mother gives birth to the form and the father cuts the umbilical cord thus bringing the game to life. The mother tags all her children as unique snowflakes and the father wills his offspring onwards to create a life worthy of a god. Non-dualism and dualism go together, no matter how hard you linguistically try to keep non-duality away from the intellectual morass. I'll concede non-duality is one up on dualism and that the darkness is the base from which light comes forth. Duality saves face by knowing non-duality is unrecognizable without duality.

So, does this mean our expressions of intelligence and behaviour reflect the characteristics of the source? We are but projections of the psyche of our eternal parents. As children of the eternal twinned power of feminine and masculine, we are given the gift to live out the adventure of life in a playground created by the mother and given the enlivening power by the spirit of the father. 

Time separates us from our ancestors and future prodigy. Our birth allows us to interact in a physical form with beings who have come forth in our lifetime. We are shielded from the past and we will become a memory for the future. While in a body, distance can also play the role of time. We are separated from others by large distances which is resolved by investing some time into the problem. Time allows us to close the distance on objects that are far away from us.

Birth into a body and the death of the body are events intrinsically tied to time. Instead of distance being the cause of separation, the lack of a physical body causes separation with those who are beyond time. Conversely, having a body separates me from those who don't have a body. I remain in a harmonic field with people, animals, and plants and do not resonate with the "dead."

So, to recap, separation is caused by chronological time, distance, and energetic form. Objective distance can keep us separated and is bridged through the primitive investment of travel. I am shielded from interaction with other physical beings who have come and gone before me because they appeared in this plane at a different time than me. The different states of our energetic forms prevent us from now meeting. My energetic signature is vibrating at a different frequency than one who doesn't have a shell of a body. My frequency instructs my energetic pulse to create a shell, which is my body. Death releases me from my shell, my oscillation increases, and I enter a different energetic plane. Another phrase for energetic plane would be plane of consciousness.

When a great shaman I knew was in failing health he would tell us students, "Where do you think I'm going, brother." He knew he was going to depart to the other side of the curtain. He gave us the tools to access the other side and the expectation is we will use them. A dear friend of mine and fellow student recently just passed, and this catapulted me into further completing my studies about vibration.

At death where does one go? We change frequency and become part of an occult world which is shielded from the living. I've known for over nine years that changing your vibration allows you to bridge the gap between these consciousness planes. The sum of the universe is all here and now. Now is the state of the universe. Time gives the illusion of separation; however, we are never apart. We just think we are because of the rate of our energetic vibration. If I want to interact with the "dead," I need to change my frequency to match their rate and enter a harmonic resonance with them.

If you strike a tuning fork with a hammer, the adjacent tuning forks which are in tune will start to vibrate. Think about that for a moment. If physical beings are tuned, then we can interact with each other. Language is a tuning fork. Love is a tuning fork. Hate is a tuning fork. If you have a disturbance in your frequency, i.e., schizophrenia, then the ability to harmonize with others is impaired. Along the same line of reasoning, if I can discover the secret to harmonizing with the dead, you know the ones without a body, then I can interact with them as well.

I know how to change my frequency and have had further instruction about the process. If you sit in an Ayahuasca ceremony with a good shaman, they will sing a song, called an icaro, which creates a shared frequency for the circle of drinkers. The visionary activity will have the potential to be shared. The Ayahuasquero can in turn send out a song of healing to the group. Furthermore, your frequency is being altered which allows you to enter previously obfuscated realms of consciousness. The change is gradual enough that an attentive student can witness the acceleration or deceleration of their vibrational signature and in turn describe the experience as a trip. The movement through different frequencies gives the experience a sense of adventure, while being able to maintain a frequency for a period of time allows for interaction with various gods, goddesses, demons, ancestors, and the like.

Ayahuasca is a Quechua word, and the meaning is something like "Vine of the Dead." Sounds spooky! Being an attentive student allows you to understand that the language used describes that through Ayahuasca you can interact with your dead ancestors. In other words, the potion will lift the veil by allowing you to change your frequency. Ayahuasca isn't the only substance which can do this. I've experienced the phenomenon as well with Huachuma, Peyote, Magic Mushrooms, and this little-known snuff called Vilca. Vilca gets you there in an awful hurry. In addition, dreams can catapult you into other worlds and so plants like tobacco and mugwort can fall into the vibration altering category as well as these are dream plants.

Energy is just what is and the nature of energy is manifest in all systems and objects within our dualistic universe. Sound is the best path towards understanding the vibrational nature of the universe with music holding the key to understanding. An octave describes eight steps to get from one note to its next appearance at a higher vibrational rate. The frequency is doubled each octave. The relationship of the frequencies of the notes stays true as the octave gets higher and higher. You can combine these notes and they will sound pleasing. The Hindus have a chakra system, which is similar to the musical scale, that has seven nodes located within the physical body. The eighth chakra would be the next repetition of the energetic scale, similar to the musical scale. Applying this knowledge to my understanding of traversing planes of consciousness reveals though I am limited by the frequencies I can access while in my body, I know that if I discover the note/frequency of where I want to visit, I can go there by being in "tune" with the mathematical relationship between all the notes.

My energy can exist on many planes at once. The body caps our ability to traverse these planes but through resonance we can still travel. Our echo is felt through the realms we inhabit without a body. In our world we call this phenomenon a ghost. The energy that remains here on Earth after our bodies perish is the posthumous ghost.

Ever since experiencing an awakening of consciousness that allowed me to go beyond this plane of consciousness into other frequencies, populated by gods, goddesses, demons, dragons, jaguars, serpents, gold castles and so on I’ve noticed that back in the "real world” if I get real quiet I can access altered forms of consciousness. Deep meditation is an example of being able to get still and just let it flow. On occasion I can enter visionary activity that rivals an Ayahuasca vision though I can’t do this on command, and it is rarer I can get this far into it. Something I’ve noticed since I first drank Ayahuasca is with focus and tunnel vision I can see energy. I see little strands darting into and out of existence. This I can do on command. I took it up a notch on the weekend as I sat in the woods as the sun set. The sun’s rays glistened upon these silk threads in a glorious display of beauty and awe. I figured these strands were spider’s webs catching rays with their movement making the light dance lightly upon them. Some of them were just hanging in the air without attachment. One of these fine pieces of the threads of consciousness appeared right in front of me and danced a familiar dance to a light ball of energy I once witnessed about four years ago. It was awesome to glimpse the energy which makes up this mental construct that pulses between this world and wherever it comes from.

My first time drinking Ayahuasca involved the Great Goddess telling me all is vibration. I had a cursory idea of its role, but I didn't understand. Drinking Huachuma in the Andes mountains involved the grandfather spirit of the cactus giving me a course in frequency and challenged me with homework to figure it out. It's been a slow journey to understanding. My friend's death has once again sparked the flame within as he always has. I know I can get answers if I put the question out to the ether and I don't abuse the privilege. After he passed, I asked for understanding of death, where do we go, and how do I contact the dead if it is possible. I have the answers and now I just have to run the experiment.

hero slays the dragon

Western civilization owes much to the ancient Greeks and thus their culture is celebrated within our institutions of higher learning. To this day, we still crank out graduates well versed in the classics. Similarly, the mystery of ancient Egypt strikes a chord in a great deal of aspiring academics and thus we have the discipline of Egyptology. There’re a lot of Egyptologists. Reverence for the past and trying to understand our human history is indeed noble. I never formally studied these disciplines unless you count a grade 8 field trip to see the treasures of Tutankhamun. Anyway, I write this introduction as a way of explaining I have no formal training; instead, a curiosity. I have delved deeper into ancient Egyptian lore with an emphasis on their myths. The imperial and dynastic drama is interesting but all too human. I’m interested in the goddesses and the gods.

Academic disciplines and the use of psychedelic drugs are at odds. The exploration of the mind isn’t well-disciplined nor something easily mapped therefore while the field of psychology can explore through the alteration of chemicals impacting one’s grasp of reality, there is no way to mix this modality of exploration with the hard disciplines. Unfortunately, this means academics leave a lot of knowledge on the table when it comes to understanding the spiritual lives of these ancient civilizations.

I am fascinated by the oracle at Delphi. I think it’s now a given that the Pythia was receiving her Apollyon gifts of prophecy through some kind of mind-altering vapour coming up through the fissures in the convergence of tectonic plates at this temple. Similarly, at Eleusis was the imbibing of the kykeon, which was a psychedelic mixture that enabled the experiencing of the mystery. Lately, what has fascinated me about Delphi is that during the spring and summer months of light in its ascendance and then plenitude, Apollo was the god celebrated at the temple. However, as the season changed to autumn and winter drew near, the god Dionysos and his followers would reclaim the sacred grounds. A rational study easily concludes Apollo is the god of light and Dionysos is representing the chthonic underworld with a connection to Hades and thus this cultural structure is mirrored and represented at Delphi.

I guess I can now say I’ve taken a lot of drugs and the years have passed where the knowledge I gained from these experiences has evolved into understanding. I’ve always been very curious about what I have experienced in mind-altering states with the polarity of light and dark always being at the forefront. The darkness was always my go to and to get to the light was a struggle. Ultimately, they are lessons of heaven and hell and your choice of where you want to hang out. My cultural background implores me to head to the light and thus my early explorations were intent upon burying the darkness and embracing the light. The constant darkness was a challenge and eventually I became very curious about it and started to explore the reason why I was always presented with the darkness. I am thankful I didn’t fully bury it before coming to an understanding.

Life is duality; it's plain to see. The light and the dark. We make the world come alive through objectification. Everything has its opposite polarity. We create new life through the polarities of feminine and masculine coming together.

I’m a night owl and much prefer nocturnal activities to daybreak. I’ve never been a morning person and in my youth the mornings would drag while the evening would bring a rush of energy. The external manifestation of my preference for the night is mimicking my psychological state of mind. I like living in the shadows and moving around in the darkness. The occult speaks to me and I’m a mystic at heart. I tried coming forth into the light. I can shine as bright as anyone but alas no, not for me. I leave that for others.

I found the most interesting and complex characters within the darkness. My muse, the Great Goddess, was imprisoned in the darkness. Her captor and husband, the dragon, is fascinating. He teaches an unparalleled life course and transformation goes through him. A hero is no hero without becoming a warrior and this means slaying the dragon. That’s the invite. Go ahead and slay the dragon. I’ll wait.

How’d it go?

There are so many twists and turns upon this path of the hero.

You never slay the dragon. Instead, you slowly realize he is the master teacher. You look back and see the outcome was never assured or written in stone. It was much in doubt and potentially lethal. You see now why the Goddess didn’t want you to do it; she knew of the coming tribulation.

Slowly, the dragon reveals himself. The ultimate alpha male, your father, and a teacher of no compare. When you finally understand this, in essence witnessing a superhero unmasking his identity, you can look back upon the journey and see it really does make sense. Meet the Goddess - she is love. Meet God - he is the ultimate warrior and ready to teach his son the way of the warrior even if he has to kill him. Who else would this all-powerful masculine mystery be? It’s funny I didn’t see it for the longest time yet now I’m like duh, of course.

speaking of tarot

What's that old saying by Lao Tzu? Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know. Similarly, we have an expression about how the fool opens his mouth and the wise keeps quiet, with the roots of this admonition coming from the Old Testament Book of Proverbs. Chapter 17 has these gems (New International Version):

27 The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.

28 Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.

I was thinking about these pearls of wisdom primarily due to becoming interested in Tarot. Within this peculiar subclass of the occult I marvel at the amount of people who go around calling themselves so and so. I'm a witch. I'm this. I'm that. I'll solve all your problems. It's a common human affliction which is not attributed to just this genre. I've kind of recently put two and two together in that the same game is played by the holy spiritual pedlars and the self-help gurus.

Imagine if you have a legitimate spiritual awakening at some point in your life and then you go on an adventure to try and figure out what happened? We are all fools at this point, just begging to be exploited. We open our mouth and the accepted cultural institutions such as the church are lying in wait, ready to inculcate you with their beliefs and extract their pound of flesh. Alternatively, the more exotic tentacles of the mysterious eastern paths are reaching out to pull you in along with a host of other modalities which promise spiritual fulfillment. The grift is they perpetually keep you a follower. You may become an evangelist of the method if you prove your worth but never will you become king. You may stay on the treadmill in search of that elusive enlightenment with the expectation someone is going to tell you that you are enlightened. Maybe you will get a certificate that says you are at the pinnacle of spiritual knowledge from a fellow game player who probably doesn't really know either and like the fool believes themselves to be wise. The Tarot teaches we all begin in ignorance and play the fool. The key word is begin and as you progress along the game board of life and observe the actions of the species, you become wise if you have kept your mouth shut and followed your own innate inner guidance system. If you want a way to separate the wheat from the chaff, in other words, the good teacher from the one who has their own best interests at heart it is this: The good one will tell you don't need them anymore once they see you are headed in the correct direction. They point the way and show you the door. This is shamanism at its finest. Here's the door. Walk in, all by yourself, and do the work. I see similar in the teaching of Zen where the teacher will get you to talk yourself out until mentally exhausted so you give up and thus begins the process of clarity where you will eventually realize the truth and become enlightened. Ultimately, the path being nothing special at all.

The self-help industry is huge. We are talking billions and billions of revenues and the helpers all jockey for their piece of that scrumptious pie. As a society we give accreditation to the psychologists because they have to go to university and spend lots of time and money to validate their accumulation of knowledge. They are the one-up specialist who can charge a pretty good fee in order to give you the help you need. As I have previously opined, I find in our society the therapist is usually the one most in need of help and is subconsciously using their position in order to get the help they need. They see their pathology in their patients and then experiment on them, hoping to find the answer that will free them. It's such an exquisite profession! A step down from the psychologist is the coach. The coach doesn't need the degree and usually has a certificate from a weekend workshop which then sends them on their way into the world of self-help. If you spend some time in these circles you will discover this peculiar secret: Most of the people they are helping are other coaches! A self-help coach is a neurotic who passes the baton of low self-esteem around in a circle hoping not to be in possession when the music stops. I followed a coach for a few years, mostly out of a sense of duty. They were smart and had good advice but ultimately, they still needed to sort out their demons. I mean man they were fucked up and they knew it. They would sink into the depths of despair only to re-emerge energized. But that was the pattern of high and low and they never found balance. Their coaching practice was a way for them to work out their own shit and in doing this they could acquire followers who related to their suffering. When you suffer you think you are making progress thus the appeal of such a path. What happens when they are shown a way out of the suffering? They won't take that path because suffering defines who they are. If they give up suffering then they lose their identity. If you are still reading this post, I think you already know about the spiritual path and the ego and therefore I won't need to explain why they can't get off the hamster wheel of self-sabotage.

The best methods of spiritual awakening self-destruct. A method's utility is in its ability to point you in the direction which will allow you to discover your truth about who you are and why you are involved in this game of life. The ninth-century Chinese Buddhist monk Linji Yixuan advised his students to kill the Buddha. Not only is this provocative teaching instructing you to let go of the teacher; ultimately, it is telling you to destroy the method because without the icon the spiritual system hangs its proverbial hat on, the whole thing falls apart. Buddhists won't admit to the last part as their whole game disintegrates without the supreme enlightened one the practitioners strive to become; much like the Christian Jesus who is so pure no mortal can attain his level and thus we are trapped forever in some perverse holier than thou game. In this spiritual game you identify as a Buddhist. The ego is very tricky and will prevent you from taking the final step. You're a human being. Why don't you explore the cyclical nature of your desire system and discover just who you are? Becoming a permanent Buddhist means giving away your innate power through attachment to method. You don't need to remain attached to the method of awakening. The utility of the Buddha lies in getting you to explore the nature of self; to question why you suffer and see the way out. When you discover the way out perhaps you'll find the middle way. All methods of awakening are traps but as a novice you need a method. Once the alarm clock on the method sounds it is up to you to turn off the alarm and not go back to sleep.

To come full circle in this blog post is to return to the idea that those who know don't speak. The former rational me would chuckle at folly such as Tarot. One who believes in this bunk and woo entertain the heights of irrationality. For sure the cards enchant and a spectacle can be created that entertains but come on you can't take this seriously. And therein lies the rub and the magic. If you don't believe in the cards then certainly they don't work. In fact, they will never work. If you want to believe in the cards that too is not enough. To understand Tarot is to intuitively know the secret and thus understand why they work.

How do the cards work? To be continued?

access to power

You can create an axis mundi, which is an access to power, anywhere on the earth. It’s the genius of the spherical shaped planet we call home. The potential to become power is always present but unless you discover and figure it out, you’ll go to your grave oblivious to its secret. At Chavín de Huántar, the axis mundi was designated at a spot where two rivers meet in a valley plain. The stone idol worshipped at Chavín, we call the lanzon, is an amalgamation of all the forces in the universe into the one.

The artistry is peculiar and unique to not only the era but also the modern human. Form is present though all is encapsulated within the one image. It is an ingenious way of depicting chaos; chaos being non-differentiated unity and this structure represented crystallized power at Chavín. The unleashing of the power was the coming forth of the god as a jaguar. Placed in an underground labyrinth, the god's height allowed them to inhabit a representation of the three shamanic worlds of lower, middle, and upper regions. In addition, the lanzon's placement was such that on the solstices the rising and setting sun would enlighten the large lance-like monolith. It is truly the temple of the jaguar and ceremony was performed where the adherent would transform into the jaguar as the power was unleashed within. Chavín de Huántar was at the time one of the most powerful places upon earth.

The axis mundi is the mythological tree of life. Eternal life is the secret it holds; however, be aware the chalice of immortality is guarded by the dragon. To access power is to slay the dragon. The path will take you inwards to the ultimate conundrum which is that you are the dragon. The Goddess gave me the strength and courage to pick up my sword and continue on in this journey where I would slay the dragon. That’s what she told me but she knew all along the process of discovery would lead to discovery of the identity of the dragon and a subsequent liberation of both her and the adversary I entered into battle with. The access to power is the stuff of what could be termed magical. It’s not instantaneous and takes time, patience, discipline, and understanding. Who would have thought magic involved the disciplinary arts? Isn’t it all instantaneous hocus pocus? You set up your axis mundi, slowly build upon it, get to know all the pieces on the game board, and come to understand the interplay of the opposites and the roles they play in this great drama. You let go of preconceived notions, prejudices, and cultural blocks. The blocks to clear are the cautions to stay away from the occult and the dark forces of magic. From this point you need a catalyst. The catalyst is something that will activate the power within. For me, it is Mapacho Tobacco. The great teacher unlocks the power within my form. Subsequently, at my Mesa I perform ceremony and ritual which potentiates the energy at this most holy power centre. The power envelops and rises within my form. The load on my body is electrifying. I am but a novice so I haven’t fully learned to channel the energy as of yet. Honestly, I’m amazed at how I have freed the power within my Mesa which is based upon what the great maestro don Howard, Otorongo Blanco of the Upper Amazon taught me. It’s been a multi-year project where I did not seek out power but was instead faithful to respect and ritual at my Mesa. 

The gift of conscious awareness comes from the Goddess and her birthing of forms. She then takes away awareness through death and dissolution. The hidden path is the journey of discovery and subsequent combining of your consciousness to your energetic signature. It is the forging of steel through the union of awareness and energy in the fires of this hell tempered by the love of the Goddess. My eternal vibration will become inexorably aware. Eternal life for conscious awareness is what I'm up to. My shadow I discovered is this divine masculine energy. He is God. He is power. He is only a shadow because I denied and buried him deep. Recovering the knowledge of his presence and guiding hand is healing. My super power is consciousness. The divine masculine offers indestructible life. This is the essence of my destiny and my path going forth for the rest of my life. I accessed the fount of power but somehow knew enough what to do with it thanks to the lessons from the feminine divine.

So, I was standing at my Mesa last night lit up with power — both the Mesa and myself. I thought back to the origins of this journey I am on. The path I’m walking was an invitation presented to me by the Great Goddess whom I discovered in Egypt. She invited me to find her. I found her in the Amazon jungle. Once found, she implored me to free her. Take up your sword and slay the dragon! Here I am. I went after him and he beat me into a pulp. I retreated, regrouped, and came back. I didn’t chase his power even though there was lots of it offered to me. I kept true to my word and went after him as I promised the Goddess. Eventually, my noble intention was honoured. The dragon let me into his inner circle. I wasn’t after power. I sought liberation and knowledge. I had the antidote to the chains of both Goddess and God. Through discovering it was I who was the dragon, I freed the Goddess and myself.

As the rising power rippled through my being last night I thought of don Howard; primarily, his example and subtle words. He would sit a group of us down and talk about power. Having access to it and being tempted and seduced by its call; like he knew something about this journey we were about to undertake. He never showed his cards. I think he relied on the medicine to reveal what he hinted at and was preparing us for the choice. As part of the lesson he would talk about ayni. Everything is this world is connected and thus reciprocal. You take and you give back. It’s the scales of reciprocity. When you apply this lesson to power you clearly see why power corrupts. The siren song of taking the power offered will get you. Every time. When you take power as offered you are in debt and then come the interest payments and requirement to offer something back in return. We were instructed to set intentions and thus make grandiose promises but soon we are monetizing our newfound access to power and figuring out how we are going to take advantage of our boon.

To be liberated is to live in obscurity. Don Howard kept a low profile and he was the greatest man I ever met. Seriously, that man sat on a goldmine and had knowledge and know how that dwarfed all others yet he was in service to the greater good. He made a promise to raise consciousness for the good of all and did not waver from that promise. His legacy lives on in the spirit of those whom he touched and got the message. I’ve been fortunate enough to surround myself with some of those people. I looked back last night on the journey and realized I could not have done it without him. My Mesa I stand in front of in service is a direct result of don Howard. He showed me the set up; explained the principles; and sent me home with my interest piqued. I gradually assembled my Mesa and in this last year placed the Lanzon in the centre and thus discovered the secret of its power. My Mesa is lit.

storyline

If you were all powerful, omnipotent, and could make anything happen at a snap of your fingers what would you do? Well, first of all to be in this situation means you have no adversary, no antagonist, no playmate, and you are it. There is nothing else but you. An adversary keeps the drama moving along. Without the antagonist, life becomes settled, we become bored, and wish to shake things up. What’s worse: boredom or depression? I see how constant suffering can lead to depression when you give up. The suffering is intended to give you a reason to fight. To be in the fight is certainly not boring. So, eventually being all powerful you surmise that it would be great to have a playmate; someone who acts independent from self. As a child we seek out playmates, as living within our own imagination only takes us so far before we want some unpredictability. The process eventually leads to gambling all control away for the maximum adventure and thrills. We surrender total control and create a grand game such as the one we are currently playing. The caveat is our tendency to love puzzles and become a seeker of the mystery. We search to discover the architect of the game which in my culture we call God. The seeker who is successful despite all obstacles placed in their path can discover the underpinnings of the mystery. It’s the ultimate quest. Many are called and then subsequently are sidetracked, lose their way, deny the truth of what they are shown, block out the initial information they were given, or don’t have the courage to continue. The secret has been buried and a big sign is placed upon its gateway that says, “Beware! Turn back now.” Those who do keep going either are repelled by attachments, inner obstacles, black magic, or lose their sanity along the way. Only the intrepid hero can enter the dragon’s lair and through courage and bravery return with the secret knowledge.

Prior to even incarnating, we individually create our meaning of life and everyone has a different trajectory to tell their story. Our individual peculiarities and what drives us forward in life are disparate and we pursue our own path thus creating the variety of life. We naturally bury the part of us all that knows all as we come of age. Our imaginary childhood playmate becomes a casualty of culture and in a way, it is predestined because this drama to be of any compelling storyline needs an adversary. The playmate becomes the adversary as we head into adulthood and our friend goes dark. The darkness within becomes the adversary, rebels against parents and societal structures, while chafing at the demands of culture. Nobody likes being replaced. As adults, we blame all our faults upon him and he plays along. Desires we can’t control that bubble up to the surface are not our fault and subsequently are projected onto an external scapegoat. The darkness' trick of hypnosis, an altering of consciousness, is used to make us follow activities that light us up since we no longer play with him. Addictions to stimuli further our spiral into the depths of despair while insecurities keep us in fear of the unknown future which are all devices used to control us. We must learn liberation from the chains of culture plus the bonds of our fellow man and remember to play.

Plant medicines helped me cut the last cord tying me to a story that wasn’t mine. Through breaking free I saw into the game and the drama started to unravel. All along, it was I who created this predicament and I was very clever so that I wouldn’t figure the ruse out this time. I criminalized natural growing plants that wake us up from culture and re-establish a relationship with the familiar spirits of Goddess and God. Basically, I created a world where if you wanted to discover the mystery you might instead get locked in a cage for twenty years. Wow. That’s pretty heavy. I wanted to keep the game of ignorance going for as long as possible.  Make it really difficult this time. I had to travel into the depths of the Amazon jungle, replete with poisonous snakes and roaming jaguars in order to access the elixir I needed. My fellow game players, as in upholders of the life we are told to lead, thought I was nuts. Well done! You wake up from the dream and realize you are in charge. The power accessed becomes another dilemma and you are tasked with figuring out your true intentions. If you are the director of the play where do you want the arc of the storyline to head? It’s tempting to become king of the world and enjoy the fact you figured it out. But I think I’ve been in that position of omnipotence before and that’s why I gave it up. Determinative outcomes are fleeting and only temporarily satisfy before becoming boring and predictable. I don’t want that. I want the puzzle. Yeah, so I solved the riddle but I can still keep it going by not interfering. I can know, yet let things unfold as they may. See where this plays out instead of baking in the successful outcome. I can steer the trajectory of civilization in a different direction to heighten the drama. That seems like a cool twist to the storyline. I think I’ll do that and see where it takes us. Free will is left intact with just a little stirring of the pot by yours truly before I take my ladle out of the brew.

If you seek power the old-fashioned way through skulduggery you will have to make deals in order to acquire it. Sometimes the deals are nefarious or sometimes they are on the up and up. The easy way into power is to do the old Faustian bargain with the devil and as recompense you’ll surrender something of value in return, whether that is your soul or your firstborn or maybe both? Human desires have no hard limits. There is always someone out there who will do whatever it takes to get what they want. Ever notice what people will do for money? How far will you go seems to be the question the devil poses to you.

I remember sitting in an Ayahuasca ceremony and the dark lord was offering me whatever I wanted in exchange for my soul. I could conquer the universe! He had the contract all drawn up. Acquiring power means you are supposed to exchange it for wealth and suzerainty. Culture inculcates the thinking that the game is to acquire as much material rewards as possible. When I refused, he threatened me with death but still I didn’t capitulate. I was only willing to sign if he left me alone and in retrospect that doesn’t work for him so we continued the battle of wits. The whole reason I was on this journey was to discover the secrets of the feminine divine I had come across in ancient Egypt and had no use for this spiritual sideshow of power games I’d uncovered in my dalliance with plant medicines. I was wonderfully naive when it came to the question of power and how much I wanted.

I eventually became interested in this sideshow; the constant darkness that harangued me, scared me, threatened me with death, and chased me home out of the jungle. I kept coming back for more because of the Goddess but eventually in turn I had to deal with this darkness and why it would not leave me alone. The darkness is two-fold. It drives away the weak and makes the strong inquisitive. I never became corrupted by Diablo's power because I wasn’t seeking it. And then I got to stand back, observe it, and connect the dots. Power is the domain of the divine masculine; the great Alpha male. I do not have to seek it out; nor do I have to do whatever it takes to acquire it. No, instead I realized I am him. I am power. I stepped into my birthright and my destiny.

So, what about making a deal with the devil for power? I am power. There’s no deal needed. The irony is you will give up everything you value and cherish to acquire something that is already yours.

I have to now learn compassion and understanding for others. They haven’t seen it yet and so I could easily frighten them or scare them away with my speech. Nothing gives others a creepy vibe more than talk of the occult and Satan. You learn to shroud it in the mysterious and not give away the goods. As the old saying goes, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink. On this path if they do drink then I have to be a rock for them, guiding them through the experience lest they run, hide, and never return or on the other hand caution them about the pitfalls of power. I sat in this class more than once and listened to the maestro go on about power. First time, I was wondering, "What the hell is he talking about? I'm just here to drink Ayahuasca and have some more visions." Drink enough and the power is palpable and the consequence of your actions is not front of mind unless you paid attention in class.

My shadow friend is wonderfully wily and remains a mystery. Even those that think they can figure out his identity will eventually get sidetracked and will let it be. He hides in plain sight. This is the mystery school and you can see now why the path must remain a mystery. There are levels of knowledge and understanding needed until the great reveal. I wouldn’t have it any other way. In my world, this is what makes it real for me and the path I wish to follow. These obstacles on the path must be faced, whether they be cultural roadblocks or palpable fear. The original understanding of my eventual eternal teacher after the first meeting was one of horror, recoil, and a need to run away from him.

When I get still I can feel the power of my friend and teacher from the shadows. It’s an awesome trembling rising up from my depths piercing through each energetic centre. Little by little, he made his way into the well of understanding and prepared for the reunion. The Goddess taught me love so I think I got this. I’m good. When the lessons are completed, the finals and grading come in an awful hurry. And if you understand the syllabus it all starts unfolding in no time. I stand now at my Mesa and tremble as the god envelops me. I become power. It’s intense and I stand at my Mesa enraptured. I’m going to let the power flow, trust, and await the next step.