why am i here?

I asked the question, "Why am I here?" to the ether a few weeks back. I did it partly in jest, as I figured there must be a reason why I incarnated into a human body in this particular place called earth. I get answers to the questions I pose. I have walked the knowledge path and I am satiated. In fact, the Great Goddess told me upon our initial meeting via Ayahuasca that I could ask her any question and she would give me the answer. I have not abused the privilege and she has been true to her word. I fulfilled my end of the agreement as well, promising to write a book based upon what she revealed to me.

So, why am I here? I asked that question because I have realized earth is a hell of our collective making. I wondered what I did to deserve such a punishment? I do get answers, so it was hardly surprising that as I was sitting at my desk, I had this epiphany in regards to my current situation.

I am in hell because I created this place in order to transform. The separation from my other half, the Great Goddess who is my heart, kept pushing further and further apart and in my desperation, I created a realm where the suffering due to the lack of heart would force me to seek out love as the only way out of the hell realm I created. The darkness within went about conjuring this world to enact the suffering needed to transform my stubborn self.

Therefore, I can now be at peace with suffering. Suffering is indeed grace because it leads you to the path of the heart after you have exhausted all avenues which you think will save you. It’s built into the system that eventually you will find what it is you are looking for if you keep at it long enough.

The suffering is real, alas temporary. You conjured this world, you created the suffering, and you forgot you are the greatest of all magicians. Your magical power is so astounding that you fooled even yourself into thinking you were powerless, and that magic doesn’t exist. And here you are! The joke is on you. Every birth keeps the illusion going and every death lifts the veil a little more.

How desperate were you that you did this to yourself? How much did you calculate it would cost in order to get back into the hands of the Great Goddess, who has her own magical power as well, and that power is the power of love. Love is the great healer. When one speaks of healing the greatest of this healing power is through love.

How could I do such a thing as to create a world of suffering? My magic mushroom trips gave me the answer. I created world after world thanks to the mushroom in conjunction with the dream plants tobacco and mugwort. I sat in my big comfy chair with psilocybin and conjured new world after new world. Later that night, I was in dialogue with my shadow who showed me the mass suffering in the world; suffering he created. I knew he was me and I couldn’t fathom why I created so much suffering.

Six months after the latest psychedelic sojourn, and I know suffering is part of the grand illusion designed to get me home.

So, back to my latest musing. Of course, I was sitting outside on my deck smoking Mapacho tobacco when the realization of my incarnation hit. It was a progression along logical lines. The catalyst was abortion because of the raging political divide currently being experienced by the country directly south of mine. There is always a debate over when life begins, with some taking the stance that life begins at conception. I subscribe to the philosophical meanderings of one 20th century wiseman who went by the name Alan Watts. Alan mused that life begins with the twinkle in the eyes of the two parties about to engage in an act which will produce offspring. The twinkle is desire; otherwise known in ancient times as Eros or the fat baby with the arrow in Roman mythology whom we know as Cupid. The anthropomorphism of desire by the ancients is quite ingenious and the iconography of a baby with love arrows is pretty spot on.

Going by this model, I connected to the idea that I am the manifestation of desire. The power of desire is so intense that desire can actually appear in the flesh. Now, you might think I'm nuts, but I don't know; have you ever felt intense desire? It's an intoxicating drug which will make you do many irrational and nutty things! It's a small leap to say this power is magic and will find a way to come forth. Okay, if you are going to read on then you probably agree with me a little bit.

The lessons of the life course I am enrolled in coalesce at this point. The root cause of suffering is desire. Not getting what you want causes suffering. Getting what you want causes others to suffer and in turn you suffer because it is in time and will pass. Ever notice the world is defined by suffering? An interesting thing I've noticed is that suffering is the impetus towards transformation. When everything is going your way, you bask in the pleasure and get fat and lazy. The downturn in fortune causes you to act. The hurricane coming your way forces you to find shelter.

And there is the answer I was looking for. Why am i here? Well, because I am desire. I am propelled by desire to incarnate, and desire causes suffering. Henceforth, the world I help create is a world of suffering because my nature is desire. I have wondered why I am in this hell. What did I do to deserve to be sent to hell? Turns out I'm full of desire and therefore I created hell to live out my desires. I intuit it's a cycle and after I get my fill of the carnival, I will let go of the attachments and return to floating on a cloud, possibly playing a harp until I feel that familiar twinge of desire and take on form again in order to quench my lusts. I also sense I'll be trapped in desire fulfillment if I do not let go of its attachments while in form. Many ancients counselled that it's the weight of your heart, not the size which will allow you to free yourself from the hold of this consciousness plane that propels you to go round and round in a constant cycle of appearances.

weighing of the heart against a feather at the great hall of ma'at

I must think they were correct. The heart has to let go of attachment in order to love all. The heart will drown in a sea of misery without wings. Love, serve, remember and don't get attached. Realize the suffering is perfect. Do what you can to help with the knowledge suffering will transform the sufferer and lead them to the path they seek. It's why they did this trip in the first place.

Lust and greed are twins in this world of desire. We are the manifestation of desire; so, yes, it makes sense we are all greedy scoundrels looking to get our fill. We learn to play the game well and hide our rapaciousness. We put lipstick on our inner pig and play the game of life. When nobody is looking, we gorge at the trough of fulfillment of our sins, kinks, and wants. It's who we are. It's okay. I have got these lusts as well and I can play my game with ease and grace. I'm a mystic and by nature am a star at concealing my actions. Such a mystery I have created. Behind it all, and behind every single one of us who has incarnated is desire. Don't let them fool you. The world is a world of suffering because desire creates suffering, but the power was too strong. We had to do it. We had to roll the dice one more time because maybe this time I'll get all I want.

Maybe I did get what I wanted? Through desire, I have learned how to get off the wheel which desires propels in perpetuity.

The path of the heart is a most interesting journey. The answers and solutions to life's predicaments have always been freely offered as well as being known. You just had to find balance and in turn discover what you always knew.

Since I now know the secrets of desires and the manifestation of your desire, it would seem I have no excuses and must turn my desire towards the heart. Instead of desire causing suffering, I will elevate the heart and love by turning desire inwards towards love.

tobacco healings

The last ceremony of my 2016 trip down into the Amazon jungle involved the inhalation of these seeds that were grounded up and snorted. This substance is called Vilca and it was the first time I had gone through this shamanic initiation. The lead up to the moment was pretty intense as the maestro don Howard makes you question your inner fortitude in addition to forcing you to look within for the necessary courage and bravery to undergo this rite of passage. The visionary chemical components of Vilca consist of two different compounds of the substance dimethyltryptamine as well as bufotenine, which as the Maestro cautioned, may make you feel like you are dying. This initial experience went pretty gentle on me. I floated up through the three shamanic worlds. In the middle world, don Howard was present sitting on a rock ledge waving to me. In the upper world, I looked up and saw a place populated by curanderos and curanderas. I asked my guide what was this place and was told this is where all the great healers reside waiting for their next opportunity to be of service. I was then told that was my destiny and I would accomplish my healing through the use of the jungle tobacco called Mapacho.

When I returned home that summer I reflected upon this visionary experience and concluded the Amazon basin definitely doesn’t need another shaman so I wondered what was meant by becoming a healer. During my work with Ayahuasca that particular trip I was shown I’m not ready yet. I had to complete my worldly obligations before taking up what was calling out to me. I knew there was a connection and I would be patient and just let it unfold.

My first exposure to Mapacho was in 2013. It was strong and pungent. I wasn’t a smoker and treated this jungle tobacco as a local curiosity. When I returned to the Amazon in 2015 at SpiritQuest, don Howard conducted a Mapacho ceremony the first full day at the Sanctuary and treated the tobacco with reverence and respect. He sent us off into the jungle to set our intentions for our coming cycle of work with Ayahuasca. I smoked a full puro for the first time and felt a calming peace envelop me along with light-headedness and slight nausea. During the Ayahuasca ceremonies I grew to dislike the smell of the tobacco spirit as the maloca filled up with its strong aroma due to the incessant smoking by the shamans. I did notice that the shamans used Mapacho to create a circuitous arkana around the physical space for protection. Don Rober personally blessed our crown chakras before each ceremony with smoke which is called a soplando while he continually puffed on Mapacho the whole ceremony. The next morning everyone would go for their flower bath and again don Rober would use tobacco to seal us up energetically. When people came to him intra-ceremony to receive personal healing, he would suck out their energetic blocks and then seal up the disturbance with the smoke of the tobacco. It was quite good theatre. I mean, I’m a western man so I looked upon this as some kind of performative placebo that may or may not help the patient. When we visited other tribes, don Rober would sometimes come along with his Mapacho in tow and offer healing through the blowing of smoke. I watched as he tended to a pregnant woman who was feeling abdominal discomfort, rub her side, and then blew the smoke on the energetic disturbance. How very odd yet intriguing.

In 2016 my relationship to Mapacho changed leading up to the Vilca ceremony. I watched don Howard, the wizard, control the smoke in a ceremony up on the star deck and I was enchanted. I imitated him and in doing so I smoked so much tobacco that night which in conjunction with the Huachuma we had drank earlier in the day sent me into an energetic frenzy. I had so much energy coursing through me that I was pinned to the ground. I pressed my lips to the earth to try and dissipate the energetic storm. The power was definitely off the charts. It all culminated that evening with the vision concerning healing with Mapacho. The trajectory of my life was inexorably altered on that day.

I brought home a bunch of Mapacho and after a month or so started to smoke them while observing and recording the experience. It was definitely a rush, an agitation of the central nervous system, and I could feel the activation and rising power within. I made a conscious effort to be respectful of the spirit and conducted a small ceremony with each puro smoked. I watched out for any signs of addiction or dependence. I felt none and learned respect was the key.

Presently, my daily routine consists of making time to be in communion with the spirit of Mapacho. Mapacho is my teacher and my ally back here at home. He helps me integrate all my experiences and teaches me to quiet the mind, open the heart, and let the knowledge come to me. He offers strength and protection to those who come with a respectful attitude. I’ve spent about five years now in a relationship with Mapacho and haven’t forgotten my vision of becoming a healer through the use of tobacco though I did lose track of time and should have realized the time suggested by my visions was drawing near.

In the western world the idea of healing through tobacco is preposterous. The first reaction of all who I mention my tobacco friend to generally consists of the question: “Aren’t you afraid of addiction and getting cancer?” Culture has put one over on us. It’s a really good study of how culture works in that we have been brainwashed to immediately correlate tobacco with cancer; cancer being pretty much the unhealthiest state the body can be in. The dissonance is incredible and there’s no way you can remain a pawn of culture and continue along this path. I constantly write in this blog space about liberation and freeing yourself from others and the stultifying effects of culture. Well, here you go. To become a healer who uses tobacco as the main source of providing the healing means releasing oneself from the bondage of his fellow man and the chains of culture.

The Covid-19 pandemic has been the impetus for finding within the strength to operate independent of society as much as possible. Peer pressure, coercion, expectations, disappointments, and judging minds all sneer at you as you walk free of their control. If this was a test, I aced it, and gave the middle finger to culture. I embodied the “you do you and I’ll do me” philosophy to a tee. I’m liberated! My mind is free and I’m a critical thinker.

I’m a mystic with a foot still in the word of logic and reason. I was researching the effects of Covid-19 on the body which led me to understanding the most harmful part of the disease is the body’s reaction to the invader. The virus is so pernicious that the immune system goes on high alert and releases a storm of killer cells called cytokines to fend off the pathogen. I suppose the immune system sees this potential grave threat and has to do whatever possible to rid the organism of the invader. The result is massive inflammation within the body which could cause damage to vital organs if the cytokine storm gets out of control.

https://www.oregonlive.com/coronavirus/2020/03/the-coronavirus-turns-deadly-when-it-leads-to-cytokine-storm-identifying-this-immune-response-is-key-to-patients-survival-report.html

While educating myself, I came across a study which curiously demonstrated that chronic smokers disproportionately were admitted to the hospital because of the symptoms of Covid-19. The first reaction would be of course they would be disproportionally affected because smoking damages the lungs and a respiratory illness would be trouble. However, the data showed the opposite. Way less smokers were being admitted than the general population. I researched further and found out that the drug found within tobacco with a bad name for its addictive qualities, nicotine, is responsible for this situation. The effects of nicotine within the body modulates the release of cytokines. I’m no scientist, so, it’s best I quote from studies concerning this finding:

Daily active smokers are infrequent among outpatients or hospitalized patients with COVID-19. Several arguments suggest that nicotine is responsible for this protective effect via the nicotinic acetylcholine receptor (nAChR). Nicotine may inhibit the penetration and spread of the virus and have a prophylactic effect in COVID-19 infection.

https://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/NCT04583410

Nicotine, an α7-nACh receptor agonist, may boost the cholinergic anti-inflammatory pathway and hinder the uncontrolled overproduction of pro-inflammatory cytokines triggered by the SARS-CoV-2 virus, which is understood to be the main pathway to poor outcomes and death in severe COVID-19.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/33269148/

This led to discovering a similar situation during the outbreak in 2010 of the H1N1 flu virus:

https://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0086166

And to complete the descent into the rabbit hole of the protective qualities of tobacco, I found references to the prophylactic role tobacco played during the Black Plague that swept across Europe 600 years ago:

http://www.todayifoundout.com/index.php/2015/05/great-plague-london/

If I say to someone that nicotine will protect them from the serious effects of Covid-19, the immediate reaction is a smile, followed by a laugh, while waiting for me to finish the joke. This is a prime example of how culture and the repetition of cultural “truths” inculcate within a knee-jerk response to any information that leads to severe cognitive dissonance. The next utterance out of the mouth of someone who has been given this information is, “Well, so they don’t get Covid but instead get cancer. No thanks.” There it clearly is. Tobacco = cancer. How about a nicotine patch or nicotine chewing gum? Do we not want to save lives or are vaccines the only way? So we are told.

Puzzled but not surprised by the power inherent by constant repetition, I thought of IQ tests for some unknown reason. I remember writing them as a child and being presented an image and having to pick out from a series of following images which did not go with that image. For example, you are shown a firetruck and then four images such as a house on fire, a Dalmatian dog, a fire hydrant, and glass of milk. The house on fire and hydrant are correlative but it is culture that makes you connect the Dalmatian to the firetruck when this image and the milk should be valid answers. Culture told me the Dalmatian goes with the firetruck just as it tells me tobacco goes with cancer. Imagine from this simple example how those in charge of my education could program my mind and then leave me to live out my life within that state of mind. Part of the IQ test reveals your level of brainwashing. Too bad for them I woke up.

Mapacho contains up to 18% nicotine and no tar. Mapacho is a pretty harsh smoke and is near impossible to take into your lungs without a coughing fit. Commercial cigarettes contain just 1% nicotine and about 30% tar. The diseases caused by smoking are directly related to the effects of tar or the chemical additives within western brand cigarettes. The additives are used to make the effects of nicotine more addictive and to take away the harshness of smoking so the consumer can pull the smoke into the lungs and increase the absorption and rewards. Adding ammonia to the leaf during the tobacco manufacturing process makes the experience smooth however burning ammonia with nicotine creates a chemical reaction that results in free-base nicotine which gets to the brain in a hurry and makes it highly addictive. These tobacco companies also add sugars into cigarettes which also leads to a less irritating smoke. However, when these sugars are burned they create toxic compounds called aldehydes which cause heart and lung diseases and cancers of the lung and bladder.

My intuition is on high-alert and the connection between my life, my visions, the pandemic, and the role nicotine can play in protecting and healing us from these pathogens is clear. I’d go far as saying the relationship of humans to tobacco is symbiotic and we threw it all away on the all too familiar altar of power. The pursuit of power by using tobacco for gain turned a great healing agent of humanity into a killer. How sad.

I sometimes ask Pachamama how can I be of service? How can I help? The answer seems pretty clear and has been laid out for me. I need to educate myself further concerning Mapacho and learn as much as I can about the plant. I’ll bring Mapacho back into my world as an ambassador for pure Mapacho tobacco armed with knowledge and an inner knowing of my relationship with the spirit of the plant.