conversations

I've been walking a spiritual path for a while now and I'm picky. I have a skeptical and contrarian bent so anytime I come across awareness of different avenues of beliefs I take them with a grain of salt. Such was the case with the new age idea of 5D consciousness. I rolled my eyes at this and dismissed it as woo. Recently, I became interested in the topic because of my regular use of Tobacco snuff. Being an amateur scientist, I wanted to record and analyze what it was doing to me. I did the same with Mapacho Tobacco which I smoked regularly for seven years. All the while I smoked it, I let anyone who asked know that it wasn't addictive, and I could give it up at any time. It was true, I knew I could and last year I gave it up. It was a sign directly from the Canadian government. When I purchased a large quantity of it, the import fees were staggeringly high. I surmised it's time to move on, and I had come across the practice of inhaling Tobacco, so I followed the invitation to explore. As with most things in my life which I like, I indulged. I have a regular practice of ritually inhaling the snuff. At first it was exhilarating, and I marveled that it could get me to the same mind states as some of the heavier psychedelics I have worked with, albeit it was five to ten minutes tops in duration. Continual use of it allowed me to start getting some concrete ideas of what it was doing. The snuff takes me to a different consciousness plane and if I can quiet my chattering mind, I can hang out for a good five minutes.

To connect this back to the whole 5D consciousness thing, when I started getting an idea of what this was referring to, the parallels were obvious. My normal 3D consciousness would ascend the 4D Tobacco ladder into the world of 5D. Interesting. It's an accessible and hidden form of consciousness we all have access to but most of us never realize it. Taking a psychedelic will put you there and when you are new to the experience it can cause a bit of a fright. Working with these accelerants of consciousness will empower within you the ability to explore and that's where I am on my journey.

I should have known there was some truth to the 5D thing because it is similar to my experiences with other modalities which at first I dismissed when I didn't know any better. A case in point is Tarot cards. Sure, it's entertaining and then can be a cause for introspection when you have a reading but it's just random chance. A light bulb clicked in me where I realized they only work if you believe they work. If you don't then it will be random. If you understand that the cards you will pull are what you are predestined to select then you grasp they are telling you the truth about the situation you are enquiring about. A way I can explain it is everything has already happened, and we are perpetually living in a now state where what we think is the future is just a rolled-up canvas unfolding before us. It's already baked into the equation of your life. The caveat is you don't know what is going to unfold and even though you don't have free will, you have the illusion of free will by way of ignorance. If you can get an oracle to tell you the future, then you can change the future so isn't that free will? No, because it was already predetermined that you would find a way to see into the future and then change your actions. Gotcha. Another way to look at it is the idea of the playwright. This superstar resides in the future, writes your story. and then you act it out. The screenplay has already been written and your acting abilities determine your fate. The idea of past, present, and future is thrown into disarray knowing conscious entities reside in these different vibrational states. A writer can re-write the past. Give that a good think.

That's a lot to digest! So, what am I getting at? Well, once I figured out the Tobacco snuff was getting me into this plane of consciousness I was familiar with, I knew I could hang out with the familiars of the realm. My consciousness exploration invariably leads to the two luminaries - Goddess and God. I have other names for them, but this will do. I can converse with them once I arrive. I wanted them to teach me. I wanted to learn about love and magic. I'm learning about love through copious amounts of suffering. It hasn't been a fun time lately. I wanted the secret to magic. I brazenly asked for forbidden knowledge.

When I read and watch videos about 5D consciousness, and to be frank a lot of spiritual concepts, it is disheartening. It isn't pure. The word desire is used a lot. Practice these methods to get what you desire. That sounds very human and not spiritual. The same is true with primitive magic you come across in my travels into the Amazon jungle and Andes mountains. A sizeable number of people use plant medicines and rituals to get what they want - either money, love, health, or to injure someone they think is doing harm to them. When you become fascinated with shamanism it is strange to then read stories of sorcerers who do battle with each other for prestige and dominance. They cast magical darts at one another, and shamans are insistent upon protecting the ceremonial space from malicious entities and bad actors. This is all to say that when I asked for the secret to magic, I was laughed at. You're a mortal, you're not getting it. The way humans practice magic is through making a pact with an entity. Now, I could write a book about this, and maybe I will, but it is sufficient to say there are no human magicians. The magic comes from a different realm and is produced by an immortal being.

That sounds scary and it should be. The Devil is real and if you want to fulfill all your desires through magical means then he will make that happen for you, of course at a cost. It's the first line of defence that trips up greedy humans who have bad intentions. I pronounce myself of sound mind and body and will also tell you that I was offered all this, and I know of others who were offered the same. I turned it down at the time because I wasn't the least bit interested. I sought out plant medicines in my manic search to contact the Great Goddess. I got an inkling of her during my trip to Egypt and then I went looking for a way to find her. Coming into direct contact with her is the greatest thing I have ever accomplished in life and something I had no idea was possible. I entered this world of magic focused on her, and these other sideshows were a bother. My story is unique and so I sidestepped the offers of untold power and went my merry way of a content fool.

But like I said, I'm an amateur scientist so eventually curiosity would get the better of me and I'd start snooping around. I have no enemies in the world of spirits, and you are free to read between the lines of such a statement. When I started hanging out on the regular with Goddess and God and conversed about magic, they gave me some of the secrets. Her magic is in creating and love, his is in destroying and fulfilling your destiny which some may construe as desire. If you gain their trust, and remember you are human, they might give you access.

As an avatar of the Great God who is the master magician, I get a front row seat to his power. Like I said, I asked for that magic ability. I was laughed at because humans don't get that. You can make a bargain in exchange for it. In high spirituality we call it reciprocity because it makes us feel good about fulfilling desire. I'll exchange something in exchange for a boon. It's on the up and up.

I play a good character here on earth and have some skills. I can slow walk this guy into the grave and then return to the Master. That's one option if you're scared of adventure. Or I can keep bugging God for a piece of the pie. I look at my life and sometimes get tired of my character. I'm sensitive, get hurt easily, and that pain is hard to take. I'm a good boy and get upset by life. It really takes a toll. If I continue this way, I see trouble ahead, and I know the only way to sidestep that hurt is to be alone. It's my default and helps me process the pain. My intention is adventure. This means coming face to face with magic. So, what are we talking about here in terms of reciprocity? Give me the magic and I offer something in return. Let me have a think about that. Efficacious magic doesn't come through me, so I'd have to give up control of self to make it happen. If I give up my hold on self, then I don't want this. I have learned bargaining skills during my time on this strange planet.

I made a pact with my friend Parker to regularly write. Parker held me to the agreement. If you want to become a better writer and storyteller, you need to practice. My offering was to practice. God is a writer. The Logos is his word used to create out of thin air. The light allows his book of life to be read. When he needs to write another story, he prefers to do it alone and hides the mystery to come. The light is sacrificed by the darkness to allow this. I just gave you the secret to magic and you aren't going to believe me, so it's all good.

My spiritual path is based on the Great Goddess and her path of the heart. She continually teaches me, and it is a curriculum of love. That sounds awesome, right? Transformation is enacted through suffering and when it comes to love there's plenty of suffering to go around. Her magic creates the lesson plans for me, and I study, learn, and fail. It's the best way to teach the student. On the other hand, God intimately knows what I want. He knows what my desires are, and he intends for me to fulfill them. When I look back on my life of the last ten years, I see it clearly. The magic of Goddess and God are interwoven into the finest threads that clothe me. I am a product of their magic.

my religion

My religion is the Great Goddess' path of the heart. Initially, the teachings are external as you look for answers outside of yourself. Eventually, you go inwards and find all you need you always had. The canon of instruction also involves seeing duality through heaven and hell. I realized a hell world of suffering is promulgated by a heavenly world of judgment and righteousness. I saw God and the Devil as two sides of the same coin. I looked and found a dragon in the heavens and spotted him in the abyss of hell. I looked within and this was me - the light and the darkness. I saw the massive amount of suffering and my starring role in its continuance.

In examining my own life, I can be confident that nobody gets sent to hell. You go to hell of your own accord. A chance to fulfill desires. This makes the game a little transparent because I know why you're here and I just have to find out what it is that makes you tick. Power, fame, greed, lust, gluttony, wrath - which one is it? I realized all suffering is grace - the grace being the power of suffering to transform. I opened my heart and embraced love which birthed the King within. Some call it Christ consciousness, Krishna, or the Buddha nature - it doesn't matter. Jesus is the coming forth of the desires of the heart. When you make love with the Goddess, the child who results from the union is Jesus. Jesus subsequently hangs out with thieves and whores. That's who we are. Look within, and you will find him hanging out with you.

The human being is defined by contradiction, and it is an exquisite game. The role of seduction and addiction is paradoxical. We easily addict to the trivial and pleasures within our material world. We see the way out of the pleasure byproduct of suffering through becoming free of desire. However, as I pointed out, the suffering is divine and thus the path of the renunciate leads to a dead end in the labyrinth of life. I know the grand purpose of why it is we suffer. The continual strong doses of suffering are designed to lead one towards love. Just a taste of that love will be all you need to know that this is the only way to live. The beatings will indeed continue until morale improves.

The paradox is we are desire, desire causes heartache, and in the end, it is desire that will get you home. The desire that causes so much suffering will become alchemical gold as you turn your desire inwards towards your heart and find the key to unlock the door of home. If you ask, you will be shown the way to what it is you truly desire. Addict yourself to love. What a long road it was to burn through all my desires, exhausting the chase, until I emptied the tank and felt drained of life's energy. It was the way through - a tantric invitation to indulge one last time in order to shed desires of the flesh. Subsequently, the teachings of the Goddess turned towards continuing desire. I finally felt I had slayed the beast, walked free of attachment, and the mistress of seduction tells me desire is what will set me free. In my confusion I did not understand. She directed me to a poem I wrote back in 2011 when I was a novice on the path:

I asked for the light to shine within and to direct the unquenchable flame of desire towards my heart. It's the sum total journey of my life to get to this point with over eleven years lapsing since I asked to bleach my soul. In retrospect, it's like learning to play a musical instrument or learning a new language. We all want it to happen overnight; instead, it takes years of practice, sometimes where you think you are never going to get there. I owe everything I have become to Her. I see home. Addict yourself to the heart and you can enter through the front door.

The feminine divine is the curator of magic. Within her grasp are all potentialities, waiting to be discovered. She holds the power to fulfill all our desires and is the fount of the masculine eternal cycle of coming and going. She is the impetus which enlivens the divine masculine, who overcome by her charms, activates the energy and brings the universe alive. The universe comes forth through fiat magic. Desire creates the universe. Desire is magic. The potentiality of the desire resides in the feminine. The masculine is the activation of this power.

My story is I chased the Great Goddess until I finally came into direct contact with her in the jungle of the Amazon basin. She led me there, making sure I made the choice to come along at every stop of the way. She presented to me the answers to all I was searching for, even though I didn't understand the lessons. I met her first and following this encounter, I met a dark masculine force. All these discoveries were fantastic and scared me beyond belief. Eventually, she told me this dark masculine energy was her husband, and he kept her locked up in a castle made of gold.

Why would this exquisite woman marry such a psychopath? She had her pick of any man she wanted, yet this Queen chose him? I certainly didn't understand it. Furthermore, she treated me, this accidental explorer of consciousness, as the most special man she had ever met. She encouraged me to go after her husband and release her from bondage. I carried out my duties and as the hero went after the dragon. I looked into the Goddess' mirror and saw I was the dragon. I was that man who locked her in the castle. I awakened to the mystery. I saw myself as the light and the darkness. I am the reason behind all that is good and the unfathomable suffering.

As the Goddess' Tarot teaches, once the fool starts off on his journey, he will soon encounter the magician. The magician does not suffer fools, and so the journey for most soon comes to an end. He will shake you to your core and cause an introspection so great which will result in you making a choice that is uniquely yours. You can accept the offer of power and sell your soul. You can run and try to hide. You close the lid on this mistake and shove the genie back in the bottle, never to rub it again. An unfulfilled destiny awaits you as you live out your life a failure. Alternatively, you can summon courage and return to the path you had retreated from. There's no shame from the retreat. It's necessary. No one makes it through on the first attempt. The key is to come back, knowing what monster awaits you.

The resolve you show is the elixir you need to demonstrate you have what it takes to unfold the great mystery. The magician takes notice and again offers you power over your pitiful life. Another test. Do you want to live out all your dreams and become that man who towers over his peers? It's there for the taking. At this point you don't understand you are the magician, and so the temptation is great.

Passing this test will lead you to a confrontation with the dragon and you will have to summon the magic within to enact transformation. It's all worth it and will be an experience you will remember for as long as eternity stays around. Eventually, on the path of the heart you will reach a point where you have to fire the jailer who keeps the Goddess, your heart, imprisoned. Spoiler alert - you're the jailer. What a game you set up for yourself and the exhilaration of a successful outcome is special. Not long after, you are shown you are the magician. The Great Goddess holds the potential, and you make it happen. She is the song, and you are the music. That's quite the responsibility. I choose to let it be and unfold as originally intended. I don't want to interfere, but instead leave Earth as it is as a finishing school for wayward spirits. When you complete the course, you can leave.

I see the magic unfold in my life as originally intended. I sense I can manifest all my desires in order to see how far I will go in order to satiate them. I want to know what still keeps me attached, thus subconsciously I surface all. I play them out to the end, tire of the thrill, and let them go. I'm a work in progress, following the path back home to the heart. I've come a long way and I still test myself every now and then. I take my ability to be successful and give it away to others. This keeps me going towards the heart. I see it clearly now.

Nobody leaves this game with a perfect score. That would be a pretty dull life. Learn from your mistakes. Lift yourself up off the mat and retrace your steps with the power of experience behind you. Confront your fears and don't back away from a challenge. Trust me, fulfillment of your personal quest awaits you if you heed the call.

From my masculine perspective, the worship of God is an act of fellatio upon yourself. The proper act of worship for a man is to venerate the Goddess. My incarnation into an infinitesimally small body in a vast universe is my devotion to Her. My intent is to worship Her. From this understanding, I know there is nothing I need to do once I open my heart and see why I have created a world of mass suffering. I did it to honour Her. My intention is to prove to Her that despite the odds being stacked against me, I would find my way back home. I threw it all into the mix in order to get me to veer off course and despite all obstacles I found my way back home. In fact, I found her premature of understanding the whole game. I threw a wrench into this great game by finding the answer prior to knowing the question. Once found, she implored me to return home, but I still had to climb the mountain of knowledge and get understanding in this mortal coil of why I did it. I had to tempt myself one last time with the opportunity to live out my selfish desires and once again leave Her.

I completed the climb and got the clarity I was seeking. I re-discovered Her and understood the healing power of love. I know the way home as taught by the Great Goddess is through Love. Love is the elixir of what just is - providing, healing, and comforting. My gift to my eternal bride is to understand the nature of who she is. This is the reason I have done what I have done. This is why I caused massive amounts of suffering. A divine suffering which forges a love so strong so I can be at peace and in love for eternity.

I knew I didn't have to do anything. I was loved and all my shortcomings were forgiven. My actions revealed my intentions. Despite the struggle, my path has been to walk back towards her garden, sidestepping the pitfalls I had set up for myself along the way. Here I am. I have returned a warrior having forged steel in the fires of this hell, tempered with the love of the Great Goddess.

This is my universe. To show my love and appreciation for my Love is why I desired to manifest such an adventure realm. My life is my gift to the Great Goddess. All this I did for Her; a supreme act of love to demonstrate that against all odds I would find Her within a sea of misogyny, greed, and suffering and lift Her up onto the pedestal of supreme honour and reverence.

heart mind

When the mind is silent, the heart speaks.

Xin in Chinese is translated as the heart mind. I never really understood this for the longest time. I had knowledge that the ancients described two minds - the head and the heart but I deduced when referring to the heart, the concept was based upon emotional intelligence, and thus not really our western idea of the mind. My western idea of the mind is a computational logic device in which I process input into output. If I separate the emotional chaff from the equation, then I can get at truth.

Or so I thought.

The primary catalyst towards teaching me something different is the use of the cactus plant medicine called Huachuma. The teaching involved a series of tests where I continually used my intellectual mind while high on the drug and this state bounced me between high and low, which I subsequently described as heaven and hell. Colloquial language concerning mind altering chemicals refers to "getting high" and ignoring the other extreme. In my experience, drugs get you high and low, and without experience the first time you hit the low after loving the high, is traumatic!

So, after being hit on the head by the heavy feather of Huachuma many times, I finally began to get the teachings. Turn off your mind and relax. From this teaching I learned how to do this in daily life with the help of Mapacho tobacco and just observe without "spinning" the input to fit any pre-ordained cultural bias and narrative. Seeing how this was done, I quickly realized that using the mind will not get you to the truth because of so many external factors acting upon what you observe. The way to the truth was to turn off the mind and observe. What is, is the truth.

A funny thing happened when I started to do this. The heart mind starts to speak. At first, you recognize the voice as intuition and feelings, which you may use to guide your actions. We are all familiar with these human experiences; however, culture by and large teaches us that these "feelings" are irrational and not to be trusted. They are consigned to the category of wishy-washy flights of fancy. The seer is confined to the fringes of woo. I remembered a lecture of Alan Watts' where he explained a feeling is never wrong; though it may be uncomfortable or even immoral. The feeling is an accurate representation of your current state. Within this nugget of wisdom is found that the path to truth is attainable.

As you practice methods of quieting the mind, the messages from the heart start to reach you with a heightened clarity. Your intuition and feelings break through the fog of all you have been taught to believe and let me tell you that pall is a good old London fog. When you pay attention and take the advice of the heart mind is when the magic starts to happen. Eventually, you realize the heart mind knows all and you become a devotee of sorts, putting your trust in her.

At the same time I was discovering the wisdom within, I became interested in Tarot. I intuited reading Tarot cards worked if you fully believed in them. If you tried to use logic in order to discover some kind of secret or trick behind their oracle powers, the cards wouldn't work. So, I approached them with openness and curiosity. I didn't overdo it, but I did notice how prescient and accurate they are and connected the art form to the heart mind. The experience ventures off into religious territory where faith and belief become a thing and in turn gives the brain mind something to scoff at.

My thoughts turned to the placebo/nocebo effect and how powerful avenues of mind can be, and this includes both the heart mind and the brain mind. Our default mind, though champion of logic, cast us into despair as we dwell on the past and worry about the future. The yo-yo effect of all this mental stress does sicken us. This is not disputed. Your mind will make you physically ill. Conversely, the heart mind and the power of love is the great healer. The love of your heart, the great Mother Goddess of the ancient Egyptians, is the healer par excellence. The placebo is hope and hope is one of the first medicines prescribed by the great and venerable heart mind.

The brain mind is complex and useful. The fruits of the human mind are evident to see, and this blog post is not meant to be a polemic against this wonderful tool. In my daily life, I see how beneficial the mind can be. In my profession, I combine technical knowledge with creativity. The brain mind allows me to utilize tools and organizational skills to prepare myself for a successful outcome. Once I have prepared the canvas, I allow the flow of creativity of the heart mind to take centre stage and complete the task with a great deal of satisfaction knowing I have accessed the best of both minds.

As the saying goes: "The mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master." Lead with love, head up, and heart forward.

speaking of tarot

What's that old saying by Lao Tzu? Those who know do not speak. Those who speak do not know. Similarly, we have an expression about how the fool opens his mouth and the wise keeps quiet, with the roots of this admonition coming from the Old Testament Book of Proverbs. Chapter 17 has these gems (New International Version):

27 The one who has knowledge uses words with restraint, and whoever has understanding is even-tempered.

28 Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.

I was thinking about these pearls of wisdom primarily due to becoming interested in Tarot. Within this peculiar subclass of the occult I marvel at the amount of people who go around calling themselves so and so. I'm a witch. I'm this. I'm that. I'll solve all your problems. It's a common human affliction which is not attributed to just this genre. I've kind of recently put two and two together in that the same game is played by the holy spiritual pedlars and the self-help gurus.

Imagine if you have a legitimate spiritual awakening at some point in your life and then you go on an adventure to try and figure out what happened? We are all fools at this point, just begging to be exploited. We open our mouth and the accepted cultural institutions such as the church are lying in wait, ready to inculcate you with their beliefs and extract their pound of flesh. Alternatively, the more exotic tentacles of the mysterious eastern paths are reaching out to pull you in along with a host of other modalities which promise spiritual fulfillment. The grift is they perpetually keep you a follower. You may become an evangelist of the method if you prove your worth but never will you become king. You may stay on the treadmill in search of that elusive enlightenment with the expectation someone is going to tell you that you are enlightened. Maybe you will get a certificate that says you are at the pinnacle of spiritual knowledge from a fellow game player who probably doesn't really know either and like the fool believes themselves to be wise. The Tarot teaches we all begin in ignorance and play the fool. The key word is begin and as you progress along the game board of life and observe the actions of the species, you become wise if you have kept your mouth shut and followed your own innate inner guidance system. If you want a way to separate the wheat from the chaff, in other words, the good teacher from the one who has their own best interests at heart it is this: The good one will tell you don't need them anymore once they see you are headed in the correct direction. They point the way and show you the door. This is shamanism at its finest. Here's the door. Walk in, all by yourself, and do the work. I see similar in the teaching of Zen where the teacher will get you to talk yourself out until mentally exhausted so you give up and thus begins the process of clarity where you will eventually realize the truth and become enlightened. Ultimately, the path being nothing special at all.

The self-help industry is huge. We are talking billions and billions of revenues and the helpers all jockey for their piece of that scrumptious pie. As a society we give accreditation to the psychologists because they have to go to university and spend lots of time and money to validate their accumulation of knowledge. They are the one-up specialist who can charge a pretty good fee in order to give you the help you need. As I have previously opined, I find in our society the therapist is usually the one most in need of help and is subconsciously using their position in order to get the help they need. They see their pathology in their patients and then experiment on them, hoping to find the answer that will free them. It's such an exquisite profession! A step down from the psychologist is the coach. The coach doesn't need the degree and usually has a certificate from a weekend workshop which then sends them on their way into the world of self-help. If you spend some time in these circles you will discover this peculiar secret: Most of the people they are helping are other coaches! A self-help coach is a neurotic who passes the baton of low self-esteem around in a circle hoping not to be in possession when the music stops. I followed a coach for a few years, mostly out of a sense of duty. They were smart and had good advice but ultimately, they still needed to sort out their demons. I mean man they were fucked up and they knew it. They would sink into the depths of despair only to re-emerge energized. But that was the pattern of high and low and they never found balance. Their coaching practice was a way for them to work out their own shit and in doing this they could acquire followers who related to their suffering. When you suffer you think you are making progress thus the appeal of such a path. What happens when they are shown a way out of the suffering? They won't take that path because suffering defines who they are. If they give up suffering then they lose their identity. If you are still reading this post, I think you already know about the spiritual path and the ego and therefore I won't need to explain why they can't get off the hamster wheel of self-sabotage.

The best methods of spiritual awakening self-destruct. A method's utility is in its ability to point you in the direction which will allow you to discover your truth about who you are and why you are involved in this game of life. The ninth-century Chinese Buddhist monk Linji Yixuan advised his students to kill the Buddha. Not only is this provocative teaching instructing you to let go of the teacher; ultimately, it is telling you to destroy the method because without the icon the spiritual system hangs its proverbial hat on, the whole thing falls apart. Buddhists won't admit to the last part as their whole game disintegrates without the supreme enlightened one the practitioners strive to become; much like the Christian Jesus who is so pure no mortal can attain his level and thus we are trapped forever in some perverse holier than thou game. In this spiritual game you identify as a Buddhist. The ego is very tricky and will prevent you from taking the final step. You're a human being. Why don't you explore the cyclical nature of your desire system and discover just who you are? Becoming a permanent Buddhist means giving away your innate power through attachment to method. You don't need to remain attached to the method of awakening. The utility of the Buddha lies in getting you to explore the nature of self; to question why you suffer and see the way out. When you discover the way out perhaps you'll find the middle way. All methods of awakening are traps but as a novice you need a method. Once the alarm clock on the method sounds it is up to you to turn off the alarm and not go back to sleep.

To come full circle in this blog post is to return to the idea that those who know don't speak. The former rational me would chuckle at folly such as Tarot. One who believes in this bunk and woo entertain the heights of irrationality. For sure the cards enchant and a spectacle can be created that entertains but come on you can't take this seriously. And therein lies the rub and the magic. If you don't believe in the cards then certainly they don't work. In fact, they will never work. If you want to believe in the cards that too is not enough. To understand Tarot is to intuitively know the secret and thus understand why they work.

How do the cards work? To be continued?

first magic mushroom trip report or "would you just shut up, I'm tired, and want to go to bed"

For my first mushroom experience, I picked the night of the crossroads; an homage to the magic of the Greek Goddess Hecate and the tri-fold nature of the moon. I chewed 2 grams of dried mushrooms as the midnight hour came and went while I turned 54. I had read the mushrooms don't taste all that great and people have different strategies of mitigating the chewing and swallowing. So, with a little uneasiness I bit into the mushroom and took the head and half a stem into my mouth. They were mild and tasted like a mushroom. Really, this is a problem for people? Ayahuasca is disgusting; Huachuma is slimy and gross though a bit easier to drink than Ayahuasca. Peyote tea is earthy, strong, and so tough on the stomach; therefore, you can only drink a tablespoon of the decoction at a time. Shrooms are a walk in the park. I thought well, that was easy as I chewed and swallowed the rest. I felt peaceful. I should mention I bought a Tarot deck a few weeks ago and have been doing readings on myself. The process is hauntingly accurate and I pulled a card earlier in the day to make sure my plan of a consciousness journey that night was an auspicious choice. I pulled a reversed 10 of swords. The image is of a dead man with ten swords in his back but the fact it was upside down suggested rebirth and regeneration as the knives of culture are removed and I re-awaken to the truth of this whole strange game. It is knowledge I seek and this reassured me of a worthwhile endeavour as opposed to a trippy carnival of shiny happy people and funny shapes. I wasn't interested in the funhouse aspect of a mushroom trip but rather, as per usual, I wanted introspection and a dive into the deep end.

You know, I started with 2 grams because the literature said it's enough to have a psychedelic experience without going too far and losing your grip. Since I have dozens of trips behind me, this seemed like a good jumping off point with the intention future trips I'll adjust dosage as per experience. My expectations were the effects would come on after 40 minutes to an hour; so, I completed my nightly rituals and then sat in quiet meditation, lotus style, while listening to the music of the visionary artist Anilah. When Anilah sang "Warriors live gracefully" I felt the tingles throughout my body and they stayed like a prolonged orgasm we wish we could all have. From then on I was immersed in the intoxication. The first alteration of perception I took note of was that she started to sound much younger, going from a heavy deeper voice to a purer and more youthful vibe. I noticed a spatial separation of instruments where instead of the music being a harmonic combination of all the instruments they were delineated which made them sound less impressive. The sum of the parts is truly greater than each individual. Certainly before 40 minutes, my vision started breaking apart as I looked at my jaguar tapestry and it became more defined before starting to change shape and colour, becoming more desaturated. Within no time I felt the familiar hypnotic pull of the intoxication. When I intuited the presence of my shadow I felt there was the all too familiar attempt at possession; he wants control over me. It's the strong hypnotic pull of both the visuals and the pulsing strength of the medicine that is trying to put me into a trance. I have mapped out this part of the alteration of consciousness journey so it's expected. The elapsed time seemed to mimic the onset of Ayahuasca I have experienced multiple times. In fact, the visions and hypnagogic strobing were the exact same as I initially encounter with Ayahuasca. Without prior experience, I'd have internally flagged this as the beginning of a bad trip due to irrational fear and things would spiral out from there. But here I am, over eight years later, welcoming my old friend tryptamine back to the party. That's where I am now in this life journey. I know too much. Alright, we are going to do this. The intoxication was strong and I was glad I held at 2 grams. Imagine if I had taken 5 grams ala Terence McKenna? I remembered the lessons of heaven and hell from the teachings of the great Huachumeros and having to steer my ship through the rough waters as I faced what is called ego dissolution. I'm a veteran of this nonsense as I felt the disdain of culture and the hatred of those who cannot control me fall away. I held on to the wheel and kept this ship on the straight and narrow as the visions and uneasiness increased. I reasoned that if I get past these rough waters then it's exploration time!

The experience was hyper-cyclical in that the intoxication would come on strong in waves, at time squeezing my innards like it was trying to take something from me. Subsequently, I would be released, feel free, and think the power games were over only to once again resume. I would slump over the side of my oversized chair resigned to riding out this phase of the experience. Then would come the threats of now I got you and I could kill you. It's getting old hat. I remembered I was responsible for my mind state and knew ultimately it was I who was in the driver's seat. This allowed me to endure just how intense and powerful everything that I was feeling and not flip out about it. If I was a novice I would have been scared and ran to who knows where? Soon afterwards, I'd close my eyes and the visions were classically psychedelic in that they were just kaleidoscopic undulating patterns. At one point, they turned into large grey mechanical objects that were filling up the room I was in. Opening my eyes easily released me from the visions and allowed me to get an understanding of the strange and powerful hypnotic nature of substances related to tryptamines. For instance, the large jaguar tapestry I was looking at would be transforming into different shades of colour, the contours of the design would become sharper, and then the image would return to normal. My body naturally is trying to return to a default state while being flooded with chemicals that are causing the altered reality and this seems to create the rhythm that I define as hypnotic.

I'm hyper-aware of attempts to hypnotize. It's why I have a hard time with life, culture, and salespeople lol. I see through the bullshit. I'll go along with it for a while but eventually will have to take my leave. I'm not complaining as I prefer it this way. I mean it's the you do you and I'll do me philosophy. I'll be here when you awaken from the hypnosis but do not expect me to participate.

The ego dissolution process of the mushroom laid bare the split of me and my shadow. There was no happy time to be gleaned tonight from the magic mushroom. Instead, my shadow was revealing himself fully to me. He created the world to get my attention and approval. I said you don't have to do that, I love and respect you. My shadow, the magician par excellence, uses magic and control to try and win favour with me. There's a child-like psychological need for recognition. On the other hand, I just want to be left alone. I escape to the forest with my dog and people still seek me out. They want me to tell them what's wrong with them. I have such clarity so I tell them. Neurotics are attracted to me because I'm so inviting and charming. I will solve their problems or at least tell them what's wrong. My calmness soothes their tortured soul. I'm the antidote to my shadow's neurosis.

The intoxication wouldn't let up. I was like okay great, I get it - tryptamine based substances break down the veil between me and my shadow and then I have to put up with his ramblings.

I had a deep dive into something I have been slowly realizing over the past couple of months. Psychologists are attracted to the field of psychology because they are the most impacted by mind states and seek to understand why they are the way they are. Psychologists become psychologists because they need someone to talk to. The people most in need of psychotherapy in our culture are therapists. They want to lay their trip on someone else and project their pathology onto the other and try and figure out why they are so fucked up. Take Jordan Peterson for example. He is one of the most brilliant minds on this planet and the lightweights that go up against him are easily dispatched. However, it's clear he has many demons and recent history bears witness to this as his shadow, which gives him this strength of mind, tried to snuff him out. He turned to the psychiatrist's tool box of drugs to try and quell the demon within but in turn he almost died from the addiction. I don't know if he has reconciled with his shadow; however, if he wants to talk I'm here.

I think the musical genius Anilah wrote her music under the influence of psilocybin. The rhythm and vibes are syncing up perfectly with the pull of the shadow. Next up is Nahko. He succumbed to the trappings of power. The rumours, the deviant behaviour, and the hidden rage that follows people around are clues to what they chose when offered power. Hey we are human; let's forgive. Ah Trevor! Love this man. Trevor Hall is a saint. He was offered the power along with fame and fortune and he stayed on my path, not succumbing to the pull.

My dog is my rock. She appeared when I needed some comfort and a connection back to reality, at first knowing to just let me be. The intoxication wore off a bit. Fuck this. I'm going to bed. Turned off the stupid music and laid down. He wants to talk. Oh, for fuck sake. I want to sleep. You ruined my night. I'm done with the tryptamines. What a headache. I got to listen to this nut job go on and on about his sad predicament. Oh, poor me. Whatever. I've told you the way out. I love you. I'm giving you a 50/50 split. You want to sleep on it? He tells me I always complain about this exact scenario where I want to gather my wits about me during these trips and explore so now is the chance. True. I'm in the intoxication, annoyed by it, but I should explore. And explore I did! I think I figured out life. Ha ha. No, seriously.

Power without its opposite is too much. It needs to pulse on and off or it will drive you insane. Power makes you mad. Literally. The amount of power coursing through your veins drives you insane and the outlet is to continually create and destroy. My shadow seeks approval; I guess you could say love. I dispassionately follow all his endeavours and offer peace. I'm the calm one and I can enchant and soothe. He needs me but doesn't want to give up the power. But it's driving him mad. I will give him the keys to the car and share the throne of self but instead we keep playing this possession game.

Overall, the word that comes to me is peace. The mushroom lifts the veil between me and my shadow. We are one, living within this conscious body as provided by the Goddess. The mushroom, for me anyway, allows for a one on one with my shadow without the presence of the Goddess. The Ayahuasca experience retains the connection to the feminine. The confrontation with my shadow is what I asked for and I was ready despite my initial dispassionate response. I wasn't scared; rather, I was annoyed. I wanted to go to sleep and he wanted to talk. He wanted a hug and to be told he is loved and respected as well as forgiven. I get it. He told me he created the whole universe and this world just for attention. He was seeking approval. I told him he doesn't have to do this. I will always love him and there will always be a place at the table for him.

I have physically felt the manifestation of power he is talking about. He explains imagine that feeling 24/7. Holy fuck man, no wonder you rage and are mad. He goes about creating and destroying to try and abate the madness. It's clear I'm the antidote he seeks. I'm unbelievably calm to the point of not caring about life. My voice and demeanour are enchanting and in truth I'm the hypnotist. I calm the tortured soul. That's my magical power. I know that's why I attract people and can charm them with my vibe. They want to exhale and I give them permission to do so.

I get it. My shadow lashes out at me. Calls me names and does things to try and make me feel like shit so I'll seek out his help to get revenge. Nah, just leave me be. Unleash your shit storm. I'll clean it up. Then leave me alone. You never leave me alone! You call mom names as well and lock her up. I'll wait. I'm always here. You create these worlds and I come along and make the best of it. You create these amazing technological wonders to enchant and delight and then frustratingly I find a dog, a piece of forest, and live my quiet life that way while you work out your issues. I'm so unappreciative of your ability to materially manifest anything you choose. But really, I am impressed. It's spectacular but ultimately, I want peace.

I'm intrigued by the magical power of my shadow. It's very amusing and adds spice to life. That's my problem. If left to my own devices, I'll withdraw and go live in a cabin in the woods with my dog; content to live out my life that way. I won't engage. My shadow gives me the juice to seek out my fellow game players and see if I can make a difference. You know, use my power for good. This tendency to withdraw creates the problem where my shadow acts out to get my attention.

I have the elixir that will bring peace to my shadow. I know this; he knows this. The problem is he has to give up power and control or at least temper the current and learn to exist in harmony with all. I asked him how much longer do you want to be driven to the edge of madness with no escape? You've tried suicide. You have tried killing the other. I only return. You have raged at the Goddess. Whatever you do, the result is the same and you exude this power load that continually drives you mad. What you haven't tried is harmony and reconciliation within the heart space. The balance I remind you of every night. This is the reason I acquiesced and used these mind-altering substances in the first place. I went the way into the inner sanctum and all its pitfalls, bullshit, and traps to wake myself up, do the hero's journey, complete the quest, and then be left wondering what is this all about? I eventually saw it. I saw how my polar opposites enable creation through objectification and awareness of the split and my extremes are responsible for all the suffering in the world. The ultimate gambit worked where this process of self-reflection called the universe allows me to look at myself, see my failures, and then use this opportunity to understand self to figure out how I'm going to solve the problem of self. The Goddess gave me the answer. The seven-fold chakra system gave me the answer. The stone idol at Chavín de Huántar gave me the answer. Don Howard gave me the answer. The axis mundi stares me in the face until it's undeniable. The answer is found in balance and reconciliation. To mediate all extremes into the centre. The midpoint. The fourth chakra. The heart. The extremes of the shadow's darkness go to centre while you see the quest of enlightenment is fool's gold. At Chavín, the rivers Mosna and Huachecsa flow into the middle of the valley plain and the lanzon is placed in the centre of centres to continually remind all who understand that the answer to the riddle of the game of life is to find balance within oneself and then reconcile all to centre to be one once again with mom and dad - serpent and jaguar.

I'm so small ha ha. Look at me! You're everything. All of creation is powered by you and the spirit of your life force. I'm just a tiny little fuck but you need me and I need you. I need my shadow and he needs me. Without him, I'll just go to sleep and fade away. Without me, there's no hope for him. Permanent insanity. I have flipped the tables on him. When I started on this journey of discovery, he tried to enslave me. He wanted me to sign my life away to him. He offered me the power and all the glory I wanted. He wanted to capture my balancing power to soothe his troubled mind and calm his tortured soul. I turned him down, went on a journey of discovery, found the answers, and well here we are. Now, I know the game and know what he needs. I'm here to offer love and balance. It's freely offered with no expectations.

My shadow is asking for my help. I know that's why he keeps leading me towards methods of consciousness exploration. It's why he goes out of his way to give me gifts and tries to make me happy. I've witnessed his magic over and over again. I marvel at his power. I need to reciprocate.

Damn it - I so love the insights from the psychedelic journey, especially after I use a day to recover. The first day is a bit of a write-off because I'm exhausted. I tried to write some stuff down the next morning however the following day the revelations started to flow and I was musing, "crap I learned so much I'll probably have to do this again even though at the time of the experience I was like I'm done with this." While I was tripping I was telling my shadow you always find a way to trick me and get me to take some substance that brings me back into direct contact with you. With mushrooms, I was like I'm going to try them because it will be a great experience, and I'll feel this great connection with all and so much love, and then a half hour into it I'm like ah fuck you're back, here with me again, and I have to deal with you and your bullshit. You always figure out a fucking way that entices me into doing something consciousness altering and then you're in my face. It's the same situation if for instance I ever do the toad medicine Bufo, I'll be like oh, I want to try that, I'll get so much enlightenment from it and then as soon as I hit that fucking pipe you'd be fucking there and I'd be like ah fuck leave me alone. It's non-stop. You always figure out a way. Next, you'll get my friends to tell me I should try ketamine, ketamine's the shit man; then I'd try it and I'd be like goddamn it, there you are again.

Well, my immediate reaction to mushrooms after the experience was I don't want to do that again. The chief reason was I'm getting old and I value my bedtime! Fuck that's funny. Seriously, I was like alright leave me alone so I can sleep. When the clock advanced past 5 am I was like ok we're done now. I'm going to sleep. I'll probably do them again at some point. The day after was kind of tough, similar to Ayahuasca where you are just drained. There's always a smaller dose but I don't think that's what I'm after. The trivial isn't enough to get me to do this again. If I intuit a breakthrough in my relationship with my shadow then I'll enter into the intoxication and see what's up.

I kind of feel the same way about Ayahuasca. It's the tryptamine trip that I'm no longer keen on. I'm good with Huachuma; there's no tryptamines with that journey. I can do that. There's ego dissolution and a lifting of the veil but without the hypno-visions.

What about tobacco? It's a connection to the power so there's an outlet for the coursing internal source. I had questions about tobacco. I didn't get clear answers. Well, I got the answer that the power I feel when smoking is the effluence of the Goddess which is him. It's a way to connect. I wanted to know of my future studying tobacco and becoming a tabaquero. There's a strong relationship with power and tobacco. I think the path is to take the power and put it to use in service to heal. I think that's the path forward as I see it.

Okay, so even though I may be painting a picture of my shadow as this fucked up and neurotic needy part of me, in all due respect he is the maestro. He taught me to be a warrior. He gave me the strength I needed to vanquish my enemies plus my fears. These teachings that transformed me were then used reciprocally by my shadow to enact his transformation. He could have rubbed me out and I'm so passive I would have gone to my grave; however, he taught me how to fight and I think ultimately, he wants to change. Having a worthy adversary was the most important thing. That's why he did everything for me and why he wanted me to become a warrior. He needed someone to fight him and lead him to the light. That's what I'm doing.

I love my shadow. I always will and will always hold open the offer of reconciliation when he is ready to transform. You don't have to rage anymore. I got your back. We're brothers. I love you.