Monday, April 27, 2020


Alan Watts once again on the trip home from a journey with plant medicines schools me and tells me that all opposites come from the centre and I’m it. My higher and lower self are just aspects of the self and the self is the reconciliation of all and it’s pretty much everything. When you reconcile all back to centre by taking feminine and masculine, lower self, self, upper self, and bring it back to centre which is the axis mundi, you reconstitute what you always had and what you began with. It is not a quest to discover or attain anything, it’s a way in that you remember who you once were and then bring everything back to centre. So, when you do that and you realize you are everything then you become the I am; the self. You realize that there is nothing that is not you. Furthermore you can take the next step which is if you are everything then to call it a self is a misnomer. There is no self, there just is.

I also learned about the attractive qualities of energy fields. All my life I was under the cultural illusion of beauty being an external shiny object that drew your attention. I learned it goes way deeper than that as outward appearances are just superficial. Well, I always knew that but I am perpetually fooled along with everyone in this matter. This is fundamental to advertising and in selling celebrity. There is a connectivity that is beyond the external and mundane that is so powerful once discovered. Physical beauty becomes trivial and you feel deep down in your soul a different connection. That was the lesson on energy fields that my intuition prepared me for prior to heading down on this trip. I knew my education, that Huachuma started in late 2017, regarding frequency and vibration would be accelerated. I was originally tasked to do some homework on it and I was lax in doing the work figuring it would just naturally come to me. It was always in the back of my mind and so finally I think the teacher of the course was like "Okay dumb-ass, you are going to get the advanced teachings." It all boiled down on this trip to the butterfly and I saw how butterflies in pairs harmonize with each other and I projected that out into how this frequency and vibration trip all works. I started seeing it within myself and how if I could harmonize my energy with others then it brings it to a whole new level. Each change in consciousness is a change in vibration which unleashes more energy within. Each store of energy then allows you to pierce the next veil.

Sometimes I think the all is just one big bucket of common energy, we have come forth from this, and when we leave this body we will return to the all. My experiences this time with Huachuma taught me everyone has a distinct field of energy which we radiate. There are these pulses of energy fields that makes up the essence of who I am and who everyone is. It was undeniable that I have this energy field and I recognize it in others. The harmony between two energy fields when they meet is so undeniably real and powerful which is all part of my education in vibration which continues to unfold.

Monday, April 20, 2020

sekhem and huachuma

I received a reminder recently about ancient Egypt and the power of the Goddess, which is contained in their concept of Sekhem. This energy is the ultimate power in the universe that is used to generate and create. We get this definition of the power here from Egyptologist Dr. Ramses Seleem:

The Sekhem is the electromagnetic body, which circulates in and out of the human body, bringing in the five currents of earth energy to nourish the human soul.  This body is responsible for the healing of disease.  The physicians of ancient Egypt, were therefore, called the priests of Sekhemet.
The Illustrated Egyptian Book of the Dead, Dr. Ramses Seleem, page 94.

An aspect of Hathor, the Great Goddess of Egypt, is the raging lioness called Sekhemet that personifies this power. She sustains life and she can take it away, so for instance when the Pharaoh Amenhotep III was in declining health he commissioned hundreds of idols of the Goddess to be crafted in order to try and curry favour with her healing power. It is no accident that the great physician sage of ancient Egypt, Imhotep, claims as his mother Sekhemet. The rattling instrument called the sistrum that is used to call upon the Goddess was also known as Sekhem. The song brought into existence by the shaking of the sistrum creates the energy field which powers each individual soul. We are all notes of the eternal song.

Ihy - the child of Hathor with sistrum

A while back I wrote a blog post where I tracked the ancient Egyptian concept of the Ka power in all of us which is the life force. For most it is a latent and subtle power that animates you and without Ka you’re dead. During times of agitation or excitation you get hits of adrenaline where you notice you are full of energy which is the amplification of this power. Taking notice of this state of agitation allows you to get a better understanding of this power that courses through you and propels you on through life. Basically it gets you up in the morning but there is a limit to how you can experience it and a lot of people like to do death defying things such as skydiving or anything that gives you a rush because you feel that power and it is quite exhilarating. Sekhem is the source of the life force Ka power within us.

What I have noticed about the plant medicine Huachuma is it's a potentiator of the life force power within us as it amplifies pretty much everything. Once you start working with it you notice this effect and the first few times you drink it’s all new so your reaction is: what the fuck is going on? because everything comes alive and you start noticing nature and its wonder and glory; everything is much more vibrant as in actually vibrating and you feel the electrical surge within you. It’s pulsing energy that affects everything from your feelings, thoughts, and senses; right down to your physical form. A lot of the reaction depends upon your state and what you have previously cultivated. The biggest lessons I learned early on in this latest semester at SpiritQuest involved my constant struggles with being in my head, trying to get out of my head, and then into my heart. I’ve done it enough now that I have learned when I struggle with plant medicines it’s because I’m in my head and I’m thinking. Plant medicines take those thoughts and balloon them into crazy territory and fill you with thoughts of doom and gloom plus paranoia. This happens enough that you can start to work with these reactions and soon you realize externally everything is fine but internally you are struggling. Finally with enough lessons and practice you realize that if I am going to be in my head then I’ve made this choice to create hell on earth. You can extrapolate from the teachings your normal sense of day to day life where you are constantly using the mind and you're projecting and judging things; you’re creating the worst case scenario; you’re thinking of scarcity and am I going to survive and how am I going to get through this? You’re creating this hell on earth for yourself and it clearly shows you that in no uncertain terms so you do this enough and eventually you see this is what as a plant teacher Huachuma is going to get through to you. Now that I have drank seventeen times I realized I can remain ignorant for only so long before taking notice that Huachuma is teaching and it is not doing it in a way that is pounding it into to you but it’s just continually showing the student over and over again the choices made and their effects. The choices are realized immediately while you are in it and you can see obviously this is going to affect me in a subtler way when I’m back in my everyday world integrating my experiences. The opposite reaction lines up with the advice of the maestros and maestras who are looking at you telling you to get out of your head and get into your heart as that’s where you ultimately want to be. That’s a choice you make and even if you have trouble making it stick you still will say to yourself okay I will give this a shot because the head case model isn’t working; I’m going to get into my heart and I’m going to express love and see the beauty of everything around me and the beauty that is in other people. I’m going to stop judging them and just accept them for who they are and accept myself for who I am and that is also amplified to the point where you experience bliss and the best day of your life. It’s the best day you have ever experienced because you are in your heart. You are still challenged by your situation but within this unity and this love you feel for everyone, things just don’t matter and you realize that as long as I maintain this love no matter what happens we will always be there for each other and I can always find this piece of heaven by making a choice to live my life this way. There is the opposite reaction where you can choose to come back into the world and live within your head and create a hell for yourself. When you do make this choice you are able to at least be cognizant of it and then stop if you so please, get back into your heart, and start to live with this abundance of love for everything. This power unlocked by the plant medicine is a great teacher.

That’s what Huachuma in its classic teaching does for you but it goes further still. It is a potentiator but I have also noticed that my energy can be juiced after coming forth as masculine energy. I have found that if you can harmonize with another energy field, feminine in my case, then the feminine is what the ancient Egyptians call Sekhem power or the Shakti/Kundalini serpent power of the Hindus. Huachuma potentiates energy and when you harmonize with another's energy field it is a multiplier. The energy I’ve described as serpent power harmonizes with your store of power. The combination then courses through you and personally it goes into my heart and starts my heart fluttering like crazy which is the most ridiculous feeling of so much power that I have ever come across. I’ve only ever been able to do it if there is in the setting this abundance of realized goddess energy within my sphere of influence. I’ve been in Huachuma before when there hasn’t been this energy around and it’s been like a blissful good day but it hasn’t gone the extra step that goes beyond the boundaries of normal experience. The two sacred energies harmonize as one. I can feel it just enveloping me and I know from approaching others and touching them or sharing the energy that they can feel it as well. It leads me back to what I did learn from studying ancient Egyptians and how they discerned this available energy. They were bang on in describing it as this raging energy that comes from the Goddess and when you access it and then are able to become a conduit for it then it is intoxicating. Since I’ve returned home I have missed it so much and am eager to return and just explore the energy. It’s not like a drug where you want to live permanently in that state rather I want to know and understand it better with the eventuality of sharing it with all.

I remember having a taste of this the first time I ever drank Ayahuasca in the form of the coming of the Goddess and I commented afterwards that men who find this Goddess I could easily see spending the rest of their life trying to make the connection again. This energy has appeared for me again as the Goddess in some Ayahuasca ceremonies but not all. It’s a good reason why I stayed on this quest despite hardship; knowing that she might reappear. Huachuma in the proper set and setting is my way in now to consistently channel her energy. 

Monday, April 13, 2020

fairy tales and magic

After a couple weeks in the jungle it was time to head up into the heavens in the Andes mountains located in the vicinity of north central Peru.

I was eager to continue my lessons with Huachuma as I had fallen in love with the medicine and wasn’t ready to let go. It’s curious how everything works out. Parker is fond of saying that when you let go of old paradigms things start happening for you instead of to you and this is exhibit A. When I started thinking about making this trip to Peru after don Howard had passed away, I wanted to make a pilgrimage to Chavín de Huántar as he had talked so much about it and based his shamanic practice and lineage upon their culture. I mentioned it to Parker and asked if he had time to make the journey out with me to which he eagerly accepted and actually had a contact out that way that don Howard highly recommended. Well things got a rolling from there and before I knew it we had secured not only a seasoned guide but a shamanic practitioner of the highest order! We eventually made plans to spend eight days in the mountains with four more ceremonies of Huachuma at hallowed and sacred sites. In the run up to the trip a friend of Parker’s confirmed he would join us and then while at SpiritQuest we added one more traveller to make it a foursome. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of travelling companions and once again it all just came together in my favour; like it was happening for me. Such good fortune and it’s not lost on me how much of a blessing the whole experience is and the pull to give back to that bank of ayni is strong.

Day 16, Friday February 28th

Our group made it to the town of Chavín early in the morning after a twelve hour overnight bus ride from Lima.

I slept sporadically however the excitement and anticipation of a plant medicine ceremony on the grounds of the fabled Chavín de Huántar at the temple of the jaguar was enough of an adrenaline kick to get me through the day. We met up with the maestro don Martín at 9:30am and he took us to his wonderful store in town which was full of his hand carved stone replicas of Chavín treasures. Then we headed off to the archaeological site of Chavín de Huántar.

The shaman led us down to the river bank where he set up his Mesa amongst the roar of the Mosna river.

The maestro had an impeccable ceremony, punctuated by an offering of coca leaves to Pachamama and then burying the leaves into her womb in the earth. The four of us in the group plus don Martín took turns drinking the filled to the brim cup of Huachuma.

The maestro's preparation of the brew is less reduced and refined than what I was used to via SpiritQuest. It was bright green in colour, there were some chunks of cactus within the cup, and the consistency is more in line with the kind of pulpy and slimy nature of the cactus you would expect. The taste was rather indifferent and probably the easiest of any plant medicines I have drank, though the cup that was filled to the brim was daunting by just looking at the task ahead. After drinking, we separated and went off to a spot along the roaring river.

I dipped my toes into the river, which was very cold, and then admired the scenery while contemplating the ancient connections to a great civilization and the sacredness that this place exuded. Huachumita came on gradually over the next hour and then I felt everything get very relaxed and dreamy while the sounds of nature became clearer. My ask for this round of medicine work was three fold: first I wanted to continue to explore the dream world and the nature of energy that powers creation. Second of all I wanted to continue the Huachuma teachings of heaven and hell as a continual reminder to stay in the heart space. Plus I wanted to continue to explore my passions and desires that seem to rise up whenever I explore my inner true self or ignore my dark side. The effects came on stronger when I closed my eyes so I went with that modality and entered into a dreamlike malaise. Huachumita started teaching me about the carnival and how our energy consciousness enters into lower forms of energy, such as the meat body, and we experience creation as such. We subconsciously glorify these concepts with our language such as the word carné in Spanish for meat and world cultural celebrations of Carnival such as in the Caribbean and Mardi Gras in New Orleans where unabashed hedonism and revelry are the order of the day. We as energetic beings enter into the created world and are in theory free to make of this opportunity what we will. I then explored the ability I have to take something I think about in this dreamlike state and then let the visionary take hold and expand upon this energy my consciousness has brought forth. It re-emphasized the idea we create our own reality both through how we choose to view our predicament and then by also enabling thoughts and events we wish to manifest. This also was in alignment to the teachings of heaven and hell where if I engage the mind and think negative thoughts, the medicine will take these mind creations and play them out to the extreme. The lesson is to be careful of what you do cultivate within the mind if you must be in that space. I then got up and walked around and felt a calming peacefulness within before we re-gathered around don Martín’s portable Mesa about two hours after we first drank. We were all offered more and all downed a second cup. This time the intensity hit quicker and amped everything up another notch. I walked around in the grass while the hot sun beat down upon my exposed skin as the familiar energy started quickly pulsing through me, signalling the approach of the god. The energy was very serpentine and I swayed to its rhythms that were enveloping me. I took notice of the agave plant and went over to feel the serrated edges of its leaves while admiring its unique appearance. It dawned on me that the serpentine nature of its leaves is related to the image I see when I feel the passion and lust of the medicine coursing through me. In the Amazon it always appeared both reptilian as well as plant like and I realized the agave plant here in the Andes mountains I had been foreshadowing. I then started seeing this plant everywhere as once again I explored the rising desires that are sexual in nature and are part of my true nature. This part of the medicine stayed with me the rest of the day and came on in intense waves of lustful energy. I started to fully realize the reason behind why this energy would sometimes amp up. It goes back to an exploration of divine feminine and masculine energy back in late 2017 and how the coming together of the two gives rise to the sum in the form of the coming forth of the god. This energy was the culmination of everything I’d learned and the magic was real. I sat with this for a while while also realizing the strength of the sun at this high altitude was both energizing me as well as cooking my skin during this day full of the sun’s loving rays. Don Martín then took us on a walk through the temple grounds where he had privileged access to all the spots normally unavailable to tourists. He guided us to special energy centres within the space while I continued to work with my pulsing energy.

Eventually the lesson of heaven and hell became present once again and I started wondering about human sacrifice at Chavín and I concocted a far fetched story in my mind putting myself in the role of a modern day sacrifice. I eventually moved past this mental hell but it was a good reminder to keep a leash on the wanderings of the mind. We visited the underground crypts and labyrinth where the stone idol called the Lanzon is situated.

The idea of this god is it depicts our divine nature in that the figure is an anthropomorphic amalgamation of the three shamanic worlds of lower, middle, and upper worlds represented by the serpent, jaguar, and eagle. Within the temple the god’s height encompasses over 16 feet and touches the subterranean, the earth, and protrudes out from the temple in order to touch the sky and reveal its function as an axis mundi. The left hand is lowered with the back of the hand visible while the right arm is raised and open palm is visible; all this representing a coming together and mediation of opposing forces. When you alter your consciousness and the god comes to you, then is seen these truths and the knowledge and identity of the central idol of Chavín is revealed. The uninitiated and casual observer is left perplexed at this strange figure. It is always interesting to acknowledge the deep psychological knowledge of ancient civilizations that we tend to dismiss as primitive when in fact they were representing our lower self, self, and higher self within the temple grounds and idol here at Chavín. Not only that but they combined it with the need to reconcile the feminine and masculine energies and all this they represented in the Andean cross called the chakana. I wonder why our intellectual disciplines of anthropology, archaeology, psychology, and comparative religion don’t synergize towards a greater understanding of the human condition but instead remain separate disciplines disconnected from these truths? The layout of the temple is practically screaming out these answers but instead it's treated as a curiosity of long ago while now hosting groups of ignorant selfie-stick tourists. You could feel the deep reverence don Martín has for the place and also within his soul you can see the sadness over what this place has become. We will never reclaim what was lost here. It will take a catastrophic event that would send our civilization back to the Stone Age where we start over. Access to the Lanzon was blocked by a glass door which in my reverence I banged into, not realizing it was there. I felt the power of the central idol and felt its snarling presence. As I stood there mesmerized I remembered to enter into the heart space and the snarl turned into a smile. Later don Martín got us full access and we all gathered around the Lanzon and felt its healing power envelop us, much like the Mesa at SpiritQuest. Don Martín managed to get us into other privileged places such as a crypt that was about four storeys underground where I experienced the deepest and quietest meditation of my life.

The intense energy continued to fluctuate through my body in waves and I gave up on having anymore thoughts and just examined the impact on my body. We went for dinner and feasted on seafood before calling it a night. Another lifetime in a day.

Day 18, Sunday March 1st

We drove almost two hours up into the mountains to Huascarán National Park and made our way to Laguna de Purhuay at an elevation of about 12,000 feet.

Our shaman knew the area like the back of his hand and led us on a path that culminated in entering through three small passageways into a circular enclosure that housed a pit filled with rocks.

The three circular enclosures represented the upper, middle, and lower worlds. The pit at one time was filled with water and the ceremony was to represent water, the Yacumama mesada. He set up his portable Mesa and then we splashed perfume upon ourselves before making an offering to Pachamama with coca leaves which we then buried under the rocks in the pit. We took turns drinking a full cup of Huachuma and I was the last to drink. The maestro immediately offered us more and he gave me three quarters of a cup as the second person to drink this time. I drank it all down but then came pretty close to vomiting it back up. I miraculously held it back and then just sat there trying to regain my composure. We were then sent off to explore for the next four and a half hours. I climbed up an incline on the path and sat down on a rock however soon afterwards I started to feel sick so I got up and paced around until eventually I puked up the whole brew. Though my stomach felt much better I was disappointed I’d be pretty much out of the medicine all day. I lay down on the rocks and had a pleasant time with my eyes closed just taking in the sounds. With my eyes open I could see the energy around me but that was as far as I got with the effects of the medicine. I got up and went for a long hike on the different paths which reminded me of going on hikes with my dog in the woods where I bring my Mapacho and make a connection with my higher self.

It’s almost like that was the lesson in that I knew from the last ceremony that I didn’t need to be in the medicine anymore to have teachings because if I go to a quiet place or do walking meditation I make the connection and do have profound revelations and insights. I have known this for a while and so the day was another way to practice this while I was away from the direct effects of the medicine. I was trailed on the hike by a pack of dogs that were loud so I still had my usual canine companions following me. 

I started going through my dark side traits and since I had reconciled with them in the final Ayahuasca ceremony, I was just once again going through them and bringing them into the light as it is a good exercise to not bury them any longer. I sat down under a shelter when it started to pour and just started laughing at myself again. It had taken me 52 years to finally reconcile with who I am and just accept it. I thought of a deck of cards and how there are 52 cards in the pack and felt this had a connection to where I am in my life and how I can spend the rest of my lifetime as a wild card just like the joker. I then thought of the comedian Bill Hicks and this disturbing routine he would do where he would become the lustful ‘goat boy.’ He had clearly reconciled with his dark side and wasn’t afraid to bring it out into the open in a comedic and baring his inner most thoughts kind of way. I felt respect and gratitude for him just because he said fuck it, this is who I am. This was all I needed from the day to feel content in this gorgeous location. We ate fruit and smoked Mapacho before heading back, stopping along the way for some trout soup.

Once again a talk with Parker helped me clarify what I have learned on this latest probing of my consciousness. I was telling him of my dark side and my discoveries of it being my true self while he reminded me that my higher self, my light side I bring out into the world, is just as big a part of me as my dark side. It allowed me to clearly see the harmony of self and how unique we are to embody these two halves that combine to make the self. I thought about the flimsiness of the character we play as ego and how that can be shattered in a blink of an eye, especially if the dark side leads us down a path of recklessness that becomes an albatross to maintaining a respectable identity. Funny thing this life is, where we need to put the brakes sometimes on our passions and desires. I thought of my first Ayahuasca ceremony this trip where I was racing past police cars, yellow lights, and then red lights in a seemingly out of control manner. It all started to make a great deal of sense.

Day 19, Monday March 2nd

Butterfly Lessons

Ever since discovering my hidden feminine half I've had a special affinity with the butterfly. The first time I remember it as an omen was my initial trip to SpiritQuest where after a difficult ceremony a butterfly appeared and then the following ceremony was an appearance of the Goddess in her tower which was a ceremony for the ages. When I went to SpiritQuest in March of 2019 the symbolism and appearance of the butterfly was off the charts representing the female sex organs. Once again during this round of my most recent Ayahuasca ceremonies, the butterfly appeared as I chased after the Goddess. During the second Huachuma mesada ceremony at SpiritQuest this year a flock of butterflies appeared as I found the key to heaven. Finally revealed at Chavín I got the lesson of proximity of energetic fields through the synchronization of two butterflies in flight.

There is a connection of the butterfly to the intense sexual energy I perceive with Huachuma. I have drank Huachuma enough now to be able to sit with this energy and figure out what potentiates it. For sure when you drink Huachuma you feel this energy but for me on some of my journeys this energy becomes next level and so intense. I have labelled it serpent power and the kundalini rising up within. Lately it has been taking over my body with this intense fluttering as well as when I close my eyes this intense sexual passion and energy appears as these hot and smouldering colours. Words don’t do this justice.

During the Huachuma ceremony at Chavín I was feeling this energy when I spotted two yellow butterflies flying around coming closer to each other and almost touching and then flying off. They would continually repeat this behaviour in my presence. It started to dawn on me that their proximity to one another was in essence a union of the two, a harmonic convergence, forming a connection that was probably similar to the feelings I get with plant medicines. I remembered my studies of ancient Egypt where the male gods depicted as frogs in the Ogdoad all needed the power of the Goddess as the serpent to be effective. It points to a metaphor of the polarity of a battery and the two poles of feminine and masculine to release the charge. Each power on its own is dormant until they come together.

So I had my answer and looked back on my Huachuma ceremonies where I have felt this power. In all these ceremonies is the setting and presence of strong feminine energy. The proximity of the goddess energy, like the example of the butterflies, is what charges the energy within me and sends me to the heights of energetic bliss.

Day 20, Tuesday March 3rd

We left Chavín early at 6am and made our way towards Huaraz, stopping after a three hour ride at a spot in the Cordillera Negra mountain range called Hatun Mache which is a Bosque de Rochas that translates as forest of rocks.

We were led to a natural cave by don Martín where he set up his Mesa and then blew into his conch shell which echoed off the natural amphitheater into the breathtaking views of the mountains.

I told the maestro I only wanted to drink one cup and then wait for a bit before drinking a second cup in order to limit the chances of vomiting it back up again. The shaman’s brew doesn’t taste awful, it is a little bit mucous like, and with an empty stomach the first cup set pretty well. I went for a walk and explored the rock forest before finding a place to settle. The scenery of the forest was fantastic and I lamented the fact I left my camera back at the cave. The first hour and a half with the medicine was peaceful and dreamy though I wasn’t feeling energetic. I returned to don Martín’s Mesa, drank another cup, and then grabbed my camera to photograph the rocks as we were given twenty minutes before we would move on. Little did I know don Martín was going to lead us on an epic adventure through the rock forest. The rocks were beyond belief and their grandeur was heightened by the effects of Huachumita taking hold.

We hiked quite a distance through this strange and magical place that was seemingly endless. We were so high up, close to 14,000 feet, that we could see the clouds roll in around us.

The maestro had us stop at this surreal place with towering cliffs and menacing rocks for two hours as the medicine’s effects ratcheted up.

I laid down on the rocks and just witnessed the energy grow with intensity until I started to hear a choir singing in the heavens around us and then a clap of thunder interrupted the performance. I thought of angels and dragons as the clouds finished rolling in which completely encased us in a fog. It was like a scene in some kind of enchanted fairy tale and I became the hero of the story, full of courage, who ventures into the heavens to find and slay the dragon. The dragon is full of pride and wants to be known as the strongest and smartest of all. I knew I could never defeat him by challenging him to a fight but I knew I could outsmart him which really pisses him off. He could take me out with one blast of his breath but he has honour and will engage in this battle of wits. I have known since I started drinking plant medicines that the quest I am on would come down to this: I’d seek out the dragon and then take him down. Here I was in the heavens realizing this was all really true. I couldn’t believe it because it is the stuff of fantasy even though my plant medicine journeys would continually reveal this quest to me. So here I was in the heart space and now fully believing in this fairy tale and it was happening, basically the culmination of this seven year journey. In an interesting and unexpected twist, Huachumita took metaphor and presented it as reality. The next ceremony at Heaven's Gate has become very intriguing to say the least. I sat on a rock, full of courage, and contemplated the completion of my hero’s journey as it was all coming together at this very moment. I felt the magic in the world and smiled at this dreamworld we live in. This all coincides with this book I have been researching and writing for the last several years which is reaching its conclusion as well and it is all about defeating the dragon. This life has become reality shrouded in fantasy.

The clouds had completely enveloped us by this time as we began the trek back to the entrance.

Without don Martín’s guidance I would have been lost forever in Medusa’s stone forest. In fact I’m not sure this place exists. I think it re-appears every morning at daybreak before disappearing once again in late afternoon. The drive back to Huaraz was full of the energy ebbing and flowing. My music was heavenly and seemed to be playing at a slower speed. The four of us went for dinner, we were all still so high and feeling the love, while the medicine stayed strong. We talked until 11pm and then feeling a reprieve in the energy, settled in for a good night’s sleep as the last page in the fairy tale turned over.

This was undoubtably the most strange and incredible journey I have had with Huachuma. The sum of my medicine journeys have prepared me well to face any adversity with an open heart and courage and to stay clear of engaging the mind. Just let it flow. I learned the lessons well and was the ultimate hero today in facing something so much more powerful than me and chiding the dragon by telling him I will outsmart him in the end. During past journeys with Huachuma I would have been reduced to a heightened sense of fear at what was all transpiring before me; now I know enough to stay in the heart centre and face whatever comes at me. The battle is won with courage and it is something don Howard would reference when he’d ask “Where do you think courage comes from?"

You can’t make this stuff up.

Day 22, Thursday March 5th

I have completed sixteen Huachuma ceremonies over the course of the last five years with the final one of this latest round of work a bit later this morning. I think I can speak with some sort of clarity on the effects of the medicine.

Number one is that it is not a hallucinogen. Visions are sporadic if you get them at all. Instead Huachuma is a clarigen that amplifies everything, whether that is realizing the beauty of nature, feelings, your open heart, your distrusting mind, sounds, and energy. The connection and harmonization between two energy polarities such as feminine and masculine is also laid bare if you take notice.

Along the same line, Huachuma is a potentiator of the energy in your body. Everything becomes more focused and clear and as you start to work with the medicine you pick up on this and discover what is happening in a way that makes it undeniable. Your consciousness is elevated to the point where you are seeing and feeling a different perspective of what you have always been perceiving and this allows you to see things in a new light.

If I am around something such as the beauty in nature or someone I am attracted to then the pull of the energy is undeniable. I have witnessed this enough to see that just being in the setting of and the energy being expressed leads to a harmonization of the two energy fields and this joining leads to an incredible feeling of pleasure throughout the body that could be thought of as a full body orgasm. It can come on as rising energy that makes you flutter and at first experience you can be taken aback by it however when it continually happens you take notice of why it is happening and then you can relax and enjoy its power.

Today marked the last ceremony of this epic trip and my proverbial cup is full. I had no asks for this ceremony and just wanted to be a conduit for the energy that flows through me, always amplified by the Huachuma medicine. We drove about three hours from Huaraz to Laguna de Llanganuco, otherwise known as Heaven’s Gate which is part of the Huascarán National Park located in the Cordillera Blanca mountain range. About half the drive was up the mountain on a bumpy dirt road that felt like a rickety wooden rollercoaster. The drive was more than worth it as we reached an elevation of 13,000 feet and were greeted by a crystal clear turquoise lagoon and soaring mountain tops.

We hiked along the water’s edge, past the tourist trails, and into a secluded area that was hidden by some brush that the shaman told us was don Howard’s favourite spot.

The maestro conducted another breathtaking and flawless ceremony and I downed a cup of the medicine with ease on my empty and fasting stomach.

The others in the group downed two cups but I didn’t want to take a chance of purging so don Martín gave me an hour before I would drink a second cup. During the first hour once again the senses became alert and sharpened. I surveyed the beautiful scenery and noticed clouds covering the snow capped Huascarán mountain peak.

I wondered if the dragon was veiled by the clouds and if I would see him when the clouds lifted? I spent some time taking pictures of my fellow travellers as the medicine gave me a peaceful and calm feeling. The hour passed by relatively quickly and I drank another full cup with relative ease. Within five minutes I was feeling the intense energy and coming of the god that envelops me while we all went our separate ways. At this point in our multi-ceremony journeys we all pretty much practice the STFU method and so for the next two hours we just all sat or stood alone with the medicine.

The energy load was strong and I felt like a conduit for all the energy in our world. Through belief and desire I realize I shaped my world through the choices made as the energy is then directed into whatever is chosen. I was reminded of my light and dark sides and how the energy vacillates between the two extremes, creating the self at the midway point of the crest and trough of the energetic wave. All is vibration, as the Goddess explained to me the first time I ever drank Ayahuasca. The knowledge download of the light and dark sides of me being a wave pattern was such a great revelation and should allow me to just reconcile with myself and live a more accepting and peaceful life, not wanting to bury parts of me I shun anymore because of culture and expectations. Without both polarities there is no life; instead everything would come to a standstill and without motion there is no life. To live a pure and holy life is to cease to manifest.

I also pondered those who chase an adrenaline rush where the energy we carry around is amplified by putting oneself in a situation where the adrenaline increases the energy load within. Huachuma for me is doing this and also transforming the energy into the power that is behind all of life that consists of the all encompassing love of the feminine source and the consciousness of the masculine source.

The intensity of the medicine increased and the next wave hit as a blast of sexual energy. I became quite fidgety and paced around as it kept growing stronger. I wondered how much of this my body could handle? Parker lent me his sunglasses so I could look directly at the sun which was so high and radiant in the sky and shining with a glorious intensity. By just staring at the sun the energy subsided and I felt a peaceful calm wash over me. I had laid down to stare at the sun as up to this point in today’s journey I had remained upright because the Huachuma settles better in my stomach while upright. Now it felt way more enjoyable to remain lying down even after I gave Parker his sunglasses back. The waves of intense energy returned as I rolled away from direct contact with the sun. At this point Kylie walked past me and grabbed my outstretched hand. The act of holding her hand allowed my energy to transfer to her and I felt a reprieve. It was a double edged sword though as the more I felt her touch the waves of energy intensified and this went on for a while.

The maestro had prepared another ceremony, this time with Pachamama, the great spirit of Mother Earth. He dug a hole in the ground and made offerings of coca followed by corn mixed with grains. We all had a turn to make an offering and I thanked the great Mother for all she had done for me, for this magical day I was currently in love with, and how she created this playground for her children, who are the manifestations of the feminine and masculine energies that pervade all of creation. She created the world in order that we may experience life in a conscious body and play games such as the one I am playing where I will slay the dragon while seeking to free my other half in some extended chase and teasing foreplay divine scenario. I had no more to ask of her as she has done so much for me and I affirmed I’d forever be in her service and need to step up my game in regards to calling out the destruction of this amazing planet we all share. We all took turns with our offerings and then we took the dirt in our hands and covered the offerings while giving thanks. It was one of the most beautiful ceremonies I’d ever had the privilege to be a part of.

After a fruit explosion in our mouths, we cuddled up against the cliff of the mountain and don Martín told us the story of the two great mountains of the lagoon as star-crossed lovers who express their eternal love as the two mountains who in their grandeur face each other for eternity.

We started the hike back to the passenger van with Kylie, Cain, and myself taking our sweet time keeping up with the rest of the group as we drank in as much of the experience as possible. Feeling elated, we kept stopping for pictures. Eventually we caught up to the group at a prime spot for taking pictures against the backdrop of the lagoon and Heaven’s Gate, so-called that because there was no way to determine when the earth merged into heaven. The reminder of don Howard became clear when he said, “you don’t find heaven, you realize it.” A big assist goes out to Huachumita for giving me the key to heaven. As the moon made an appearance the backdrop became all the more surreal.

We became local celebrities as some of the Peruvian tourists wanted to take their picture with us gringos dressed in ponchos. It was quite hilarious.

The bus ride back to Huaraz was so memorable while our hearts were wide open. It rekindled in me what it was like to make connections with people and share a moment of really enjoying their presence. I had long forgotten these feelings and to experience all this once again was a gift beyond measure and I’m so grateful for the opportunity. It was ultimately a lesson in learning that love comes not from an external source but has been in your heart all along. Instead of looking for it, express it. I was energetically wide open with gratitude for my heart, Pachamama, Huachumita, the shaman, and my hermanos and hermana. It was another gift from another lifetime in a day that just keeps on giving.

We went for dinner with the maestro on this last night with him with the energy still present and returning in waves. I eagerly ate my first meal of the day and we ended staying up talking and laughing until 1:30am before calling it a night.

This whole three week adventure has been a gift beyond any conceivable expectation and has allowed me to just accept myself for who I am and learn to stay high and in bliss is the path of the heart while realizing that to engage the mind more than necessary will lead to a hellish existence.

Day 24, Saturday March 7

We are back in Lima and being in a big and bustling city has brought me back to reality. I've had some pangs of home sickness throughout these three weeks I have been away but now it is full on and the prospect of being in Lima any longer than I need to seems to be unwelcome. I’m scheduled to leave early Monday morning but I think I will try to change it to early Sunday morning. It will be good to get back Sunday as it is my dog Luna’s birthday. She probably thinks I’m dead.

I have a lot to unpack mentally from this trip and integrate. Every thing I asked for I believe I have received an answer and now I just have to connect all the information and synthesize all I have learned. One big take away is to stop pretending or striving to be someone you are not. I was shown I have a dark and light side and that is what energizes and enlivens my self. To deny one is to affect and nullify the other. Also I was shown that in order to stay high and in a state of bliss then you need to live in the heart and limit engagement of the mind. I asked for this lesson repeatedly from Huachuma and I was given it which allowed me to fully understand it. I went from experiencing the constant cycling between a state of being in heaven to a trip to hell enough times to really grasp that it is all about choice and how you wish to live and perceive your surroundings. It was a lesson that had to be experienced over and over throughout many years and ceremonies in order to finally get it to sink in which it did fully and completely after don Martín’s mesada at Chavín. I knew after that one I didn’t have to play that game anymore. One constant for me concerning plant medicines is how they amplify everything and that’s how you learn from them. Huachuma’s potentiation of energy just takes every feeling and super-charges them so you can extrapolate their subtle effects you don’t normally realize and see how they actually do affect you and those around you on a grand scale. My energetic aura must shine on a subtle scale that when I drink Huachuma just elevates it into an energetic tour de force. It is really quite incredible to experience how intense the energy is within, how it emanates, and how I can share it with others. When I find another being I can then harmonize my energy with then the connection is magical and a power radiates from that connection that puts you in a state of such sharing and pleasure it is heavenly. I need to ponder if that is what life is all about on all levels? Is it finding a connection with another energy form that electrifies and lights you up? Now that I have found it and experienced it enough I wonder if the energy fields I resonate with are limited or if there are plenty of fields out there you can share the experience with? There’s always more so the journey is far from over and there’s is more to explore. From a personal standpoint I wish to go way deeper into Huachuma. I can’t honestly say I want to continue with Ayahuasca at this point but I do realize there is a synergy with Huachuma when done first to heal and purify so I will respect that modality and synergy between the two plant medicines.

There are also a couple take aways from working with the medicines this time around. One is to be not only a shining example of their ability to transform you into a fully integrated human being but also to be a grounded ambassador to the plants and be more vocal about the benefits and profound discoveries that are available and can be gleaned from working with them. In addition I made a promise to Pachamama to be a champion in terms of environmental concerns. The earth is our home, our sustenance, and our playground which allows her children, the divine female and masculine, that have come forth to experience her bounty in a physical form. We are ignorant and dismissive of her unconditional love and destroying her gift. We as a species are cognizant of this but we need to sense the urgency and enact change. This can be accomplished through awareness and ceremony along with the teachings of plant medicines.

I used to conclude my plant medicine journey recaps with some kind of declaration that I will probably be moving on from that modality of exploring my consciousness. I have stopped doing that as first of all if hasn’t been the case but also because I’d be foolish to stop. I’ve come this far and feel currently that the working relationship I have with them is next level and that is the exciting part I wish to keep exploring. In terms of Huachuma this trip the gate was wide open, I went in and found not only answers I was seeking but the magic available when we break out of mundane consciousness and raise our vibration. I’m ready to go headlong into this exploration. 

Monday, April 6, 2020


The shy god who wants to remain in the shadows.

The probing into my psyche this latest trip to Peru to work with the plant teachers has been quite fruitful. I’ve never experienced full blown depression so in my life my only way in to see what makes me tick has been through the use of plant medicines. Initially you get in, are gobsmacked by the experience, but then the defences are thrown up as the hidden dark side of the self puts into action various methods to prevent you from going further. They work for the most part and you stop looking for a while, partly because it is so upsetting to turn your world upside down or face the truth. The answer is always present just waiting for you to admit it to yourself.

First off you believe through these experiences that you are to dissolve your ego. The literature tells you that, others repeat it, and you know something is going on in that mysterious mind of yours so you figure it must be all about your ego. Ego death puts you face to face with the light and the dark. You believe that the reason you are not better is because your idea of who you are is preventing you from moving forward to the light and succeeding. In reality your ego has always been weak and transitory; acting as a foil for something deep within your subconscious that doesn’t want to be discovered. This shadowy figure in reality is the big fish to catch. After having fingered the ego as the bad guy you then embark on a spiritual journey of some sort in order to become a better person, without realizing that in truth all you are doing is transforming and strengthening the same ego you had fingered as the bad guy.

It is a double edged sword. The exploration of consciousness is difficult, unsettling, and with many roadblocks put in place, whether psychological, pressure from society, or those close to you to drop the search. If you clear those hurdles, which grow higher everyday, then you get up the path that leads to spiritual enlightenment and a sense of accomplishment. All well and good but you kind of let the whole probing into the depths slip in exchange for a white robe. You are still wearing a mask and buried your dark side, the obfuscated scapegoat, an undeniable part of your true self, once again behind the veneer of being a better person. What am I hiding?

Why was I taught as a child to hide my feelings away? Big boys don't cry. For shame. Bury that shit. Then I grew up and in my quest to be righteous I threatened my dark side once again with annihilation. Self-preservation isn't just for the acknowledged self.

The one behind the mask doesn’t want to be discovered now. Can you blame them? The one behind the mask is all of us; the divine actor. If discovered, the show ends. There is no more drama. If superman is found out to be Clark Kent then for some reason he can’t hide out in this world anymore as a regular guy. If god is discovered as me then I can’t hang out in this world anymore as a regular guy. The story is over and all the elements that make the play grand and the game worth the candle all become trivial and the drama meaningless. I mean I’m omnipotent, eternal, and created this whole charade. My own overarching task was to stay hidden.

I’m contrarian by nature and this whole spiritual enlightenment game always smelled a little funny to me. I kept coming back to plant medicines so I could peek a little bit more into the darkness. I’m curious and good at solving riddles. I wasn’t scared off by them anymore and even with their dwindling efficacy I still found value and I also realized it was another tool of the dark side to send me packing so I’d stop looking. They intended to leave me frustrated but I saw through it and realized my dark side was playing another game where they would stop showing me what I wanted to see. My Ayahuasca visions would last an hour tops before the show was over. I wondered if I needed to drink more? That idea was shut down one ceremony where the medicine was so strong I could barely stand up to go to the washroom and the energy was so overwhelming and present it was palpable in the air. It’s not the medicine; it’s me that is blocking the visions. Okay why then? Part of the solution was in the block I had to drinking the cup. It made my stomach turn just thinking about it. Something within me wanted this to stop. Not to be deterred, I kept pursuing and eventually went down deep into the depths through this visionary tunnel where I came face to face with the truth. I finally realized the one who does not want to be discovered is my dark side and as big a part of me as self and higher self. The dark side who is full of passion, desire, lust, love, takes risks, is creative, compassionate, and wants to keep the game going at all costs. Finally I saw the simple truth. My dark side of course I keep hidden and construct an ego to throw others and my own damn self off of this truth and the search for it.

The ego I constructed to keep others away from my truth. Internally I construct blocks to prevent myself searching for and from finding out the truth. In plant medicine ceremonies I told myself I’d walk in front of a train and commit suicide if I continued on this path after conjuring a demon the previous ceremony. When that didn’t work and I came back to Peru, I threatened myself with a plane crash and said I’d never get home from Peru unless I dropped the seeking and surrendered to the church. My ceremonies went incredibly dark, strange, and unsettling. Ten out of eleven of them started out with such darkness that I couldn’t shake. The only ceremony to not start off that way involved the Great Goddess which gave me the strength to forge ahead. When I pierced through the many veils, she was always there welcoming me in order to keep me wanting to press forward. My threats to myself I figured out were empty. I kept coming back. My dogged persistence eventually led me to see this truth. I accepted it and made peace with myself. I have anger, jealousy, lusts, male possessive traits, a thirst for knowledge and meaning, a need for control, a hurting heart, a tendency to get annoyed at others, and a desire to help those in need.

Ayahuasca and Huachuma allow you to probe into the things that make you tick. Now that these peccadilloes are freed from hiding and I’m good with it all then I can now work with the medicine to explore and integrate them. I wonder why I wanted to keep them hidden from myself? Do I have a problem with acceptance and not wanting to own these traits?

The higher and lower self are the constituents of the self and shape who we really are. We don’t want to accept our dark and lower self and do everything to deny this part of us and relegate it to something we can transform. It can’t be done but instead we can acknowledge it and harmonize it with our higher self in order to create a more fully integrated self. That to me would be peace. The pursuit of the higher self is understandable. On the journey we want to become one of the perfected and transcend the morass of humankind. When we do that we ignore those traits that also make us who we are, thinking we can leave those behind. The clarity I have acquired on this trip has allowed me to finally come face to face with my dark side, have a good laugh, and then just accept it is a part of who I am. This is the true liberation I have been seeking all along.

The universe was created in order to separate the great self into its constituent parts in order to come to terms with these traits and reconcile all. There is a great reluctance to face up to it all and we acquiesce and allow the darkness to stay hidden at all costs.

Once we reconcile all, the long separation can end.