kill thyself

Hamlet said the question is: "To be or not to be." My teacher says the question is whether you will, “Kill yourself in order to live." That is the real question Horatio. The master teacher suggested this course of action to me. At this stage in my consciousness journey, I knew what he was talking about. I didn’t take it literally as I might have when I first embraced divine knowledge on this strange voyage; instead, I knew it was metaphor. In order to be free, I need to lose my identity. I cling to my identity, and it drives my behaviour, which in turn allows culture and those close to me to influence my actions because I do not want to let down or deviate from the expectations of my persona that have been created. The teacher stresses to me all the time that if it is liberation I truly seek, I have to let go of the self I have jointly created.

I think we have it wrong. Having a fixed identity is what I’m talking about as identity is the backbone of culture. During a Huachuma ceremony a few years back, I experienced a dissociation with this fixed identity of self, and I was shown a closet full of different suits I could wear. In other words, the vision was revealing I could become or play the part of several different roles available but I, as well as everyone else, always get up in the morning and put on the same damn suit! That was six years ago. My shadow has presented this scenario a number of times; I am not dense so I do get it, but the teaching can get lost in the confusion of life. By this assertion I mean I do finally understand that if I want to be totally free, as in liberated, I have to let go of my identity and in essence kill myself to live. I’ve tasted the fruits of liberation and it’s bliss but I’m hesitant to go all the way because projecting into the future a world without my fixed identity looks like hardship and more suffering. No one said being free is glamorous and it’s undeniably true. I’ve mentioned this before, but I walked past a homeless man and the voice inside me whispered, “He’s free.” Yeah, he is. I’m not sure I’d make that trade though.

What I have come to realize after seeking answers is that you don’t have to identify with identity. Identity is a noun and nouns are dead things. This universe is a verb; it is constantly transforming and defined by motion. The Tao Te Ching teaches us of the watercourse way and to be in harmony with the Tao is to just let things flow. Applying this teaching to the problem of identity and liberation is stunning. In essence, identity is not intended to be fixed but left to transform with the watercourse. When a certain behaviour or predicament no longer serves you, just let it go and have it fall away. Transform like the butterfly. Looking at it from the long game we already do this to a degree. What identified me as a child no longer interests me. My collection of hockey and baseball cards has been gathering dust for about 25 years now! Day to day we can’t see that we do naturally evolve identity, just as we grow our hair, and if we could see it this act would give us permission to just let it go. For sure, it upsets those around you who depend on you being stable in order to add stability to their lives but like a noxious weed this behaviour chokes out your growth. Your evolving identity will eventually be used against you, and you will be labelled an old person and sent to an internment camp or should I say seniors' residence to wait your turn to die.

There’s a line in the movie Fight Club that reminds us, "It’s only after we have lost everything that we are free to do anything." This speaks towards becoming liberated and being told by my teacher to "kill yourself in order to live." Everything you lay claim to, as in attachments, will weigh you down and enslave you to a life dictated by culture. Therefore, you must give it all up and face the destruction of self and the subsequent pain and suffering in order to struggle and create something new. This obviously brings up another question in as men we seem to be locked into this endless struggle to create and destroy but are we not just spinning the hamster wheel? If I destroy the self not of my own making and become liberated, why would I want to create something new that will just devolve into another edifice of control and enslavement? Is what we always return to is the need for autonomy and freedom? If I don’t try to organize my life and to a greater degree society what is the natural flow of things?

Having an identity is playing it small. You become an actor in the play on the grand stage of life but in truth you are much more. To lose your identity is to be that much closer to a realization of who you really are. With plant medicines and psychedelic drugs, the experience sometimes takes you to a mind state called ego death where you find this unity and realize we are all one and this one has many roles to play. Granted ego death isn’t fun and the subsequent paranoia might put a damper upon this realization of bliss but if you do it multiple times, you’ll get used to it. The takeaway from this experience is you are it and knowing all is one means you are that one. You made it happen. This is the road the master teacher is pointing you towards which involves discarding identity to find freedom. To stick a knife in your identity is a major leap of faith. He’s telling me if I give up my ego self, I’ll reclaim knowledge of who I truly am and will in essence become once again the writer and director of the play. I entered my drama and fulfilled my part. I also created a hidden and shady character I now call the master teacher and put him off-limits to all and then spent a lifetime seeking him out. A mythical dragon of sorts. He is an oracle used to confirm my folly and grant me the light to see the doorway out of this story. It’s been quite the ride and a pretty good novel that is reaching its climax.

plant medicine synthesis

The feminine weaves together the container, both the universe and the body. The masculine spirit gives the objects the juice, which makes it all come alive. The feminine decelerates energy into form and then the masculine goes to work to enliven it. This is the dance of life and defines existence. It's a game of push and pull and the cycle of appearances creates the motion which defines time. The objectification combined with the hide and seek act of coming and going creates life as we know it. Our world is defined by cycles.

The masculine is active energy while the feminine is passive. The feminine is the rock of ages. She is linear time. The eternal soul who is omnipresent. The masculine comes and goes and rules the cosmos, a member of an intergalactic band of misogynists; however, he is nothing without her. She creates the container, and he is the current which brings the biological to life. When the container weakens, the life force destroys itself, and is free once again, on the universal prowl for another place with which to incarnate.

The feminine is eternal and unchanging, yet she participates in the game of the man. She is the springboard which allows the light of the masculine to enliven the universe. The masculine is cyclical; always coming and going. The essence of who you are through the feminine is the heart and the appearances are the iterations of self through the life force of the masculine. To rediscover and answer the eternal question of who am I, is to find the path of the heart and walk back home. You are made of love and powered by light. You are love and your appearances are patterns of light energy.

Through Huachuma, I was metaphorically shown the masculine galactic travellers who use the human body as a battery. The body can ingest food stores and convert foodstuff into energy. The virus-like reptilian invader inhabits the body and biologically comes forth. It's a parasitical relationship at its core, though the word parasite is prejudicial in that the union is beneficial to both parties. A few cosmetic changes were in the offing. Lose the tail and do something about the prevalence of hair. The woman will never be happy, so she adorns herself with the latest fashion, and paints her face. Ha ha. Oh, and perfume please. These beasts smell really bad. We the parasites have transformed the human ape into a new species. It can be argued that the new human species has been detrimental to the health of the planet, and to that I will not argue.

The knowledge and visions of this relationship were disturbing. I didn't get the metaphor at first and took it literally. Why am I being shown these galactic misfits who abuse biological forms? I was shown how like a virus they invade the host and the environment and strip the surroundings of their natural resources. We dig and drill into the Great Mother and strip her bare. We try to discover her secrets of life but never get to the core answer. We want the ability to create life without her. We are at the A.I. robot stage. Ultimately, it is love which she uses to create form and something we don't understand. The knowledge I was given through plant medicines was of a race of intergalactic misogynists who roam the universe. In other words, the spirit. It's a true representation of man, that I can't argue. We are the adventurers, while the feminine is the nurturing soul who reminds us every now and again of love. Originally, I was recruited to become a leader of one of these galactic tribes to which I declined. Subsequently, I had Ayahuasca visions of these crazed misogynists.

When I snuffed Vilca later in my consciousness journey, I was shown the enlightened among this viral-like race. I reached this place where there were beings made of love and powered by light. It was the result of what we seek because we gave up the impetus to conquer and rape. Instead, we embraced love. When we discovered the love of the feminine, all that we were seeking was given to us. We then transformed into these diamond-like shining creatures of love and light.

I'm at the point in my journey where I was looking for origin answers. I don't ask for much though I know if I do ask, I will get the answers. The Great Goddess promised me such an outcome. I don't abuse the privilege. I asked a few weeks ago for the answer to who we are and what it is we seek. As with most questions I now become curious about, I already had the knowledge. I had just had to put it all together and understand it. World events conspire with visionary medicine to reveal what it is you are looking for. We each manifest our life according to our desires. We can fulfill what it is we really want. Find out why you are here, and then walk that path back home. You will be amazed as everything unfolds in due time and what it is you seek is found. What you raged at as an injustice was in fact teaching you and leading you to the answers you sought. The events of our existence are disparate events that are woven into your personal story. This is a conspiracy between the great dramatist and the master seamstress. She makes the costumes, and I am the divine actor. The weaver is exquisite. The thread count and stitching are impeccable. Nobody sees it until you ask. Then with compassion, she shows you how it works and how the blanket she makes for her children fulfills all their desires. Eventually, we come back home to mom.

The New Testament calls the spirit that takes up residence in matter the Logos. We are led to believe this is a one-time proposition and we call the amalgamation Christ. An understanding of the biblical passages in their original Greek reveals that the Logos is within all and through intention we create our universe. We are the director and the actor of our personal play. This is what you wanted. Act with gusto and go for the Academy Award. Bask in the bright lights of self, come forth as the flower, and when done return home to the family. Love awaits the eternal spirit and as the saying goes, "There's no place like home."

we are the virus

In my all-time favourite movie "The Matrix," Agent Smith describes the human species as acting like a virus.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5foZIKuEWQ

As a species, we stand out from the crowd. It has struck me as peculiar that we are so much more intellectually advanced than every other species on this planet. It's not even close. You would think we'd at least have a rival. Maybe the Neanderthal was the competition, and we wiped that species out because we were the most ruthless.

After three years of this viral pandemic, I finally became interested in viruses. I am not a scientist, so my understanding is limited to what I read and understand. The consensus is a virus is not a living organism; instead, it is a latent strand of DNA or RNA that becomes activated or "comes alive" once it has invaded a host and penetrated the cellular membrane of the host. Once inside, the virus uses the mechanisms and energy of the host to biologically replicate itself. Now, the definition of biological life is what designates the virus as not being alive. In other words, our understanding and prejudice influences categorization.

Our novel MRNA vaccines would mimic the process of replication where they would use the spike protein of the invading virus to penetrate our defences, and use our own biological mechanisms against us by having our cells mass produce the spike protein. Our natural defences would then kick in, which would produce antibodies against the spike protein in order to slay the modified virus. Thus, upon subsequent contact with the unmodified virus, we would have a head start upon defending our territory against this foreign invader. This sounds like a good strategy; however, as with anything allopathic there are usually unintended consequences which have to be addressed. As a species, complex social formations make assessing the results of the human experiment difficult. We will prevail if we return to scientific enquiry, as opposed to protecting the reputations of various actors in the worldwide clown show. But I digress.

Viruses are given a small role in evolutionary biology due to their status of not being alive. From my layman's perch, I am going to disagree with this. Here's my take on it: A virus drives evolutionary adaptations in the host. Friendly strands of DNA or RNA would be integrated into the whole, say for instance a set of instructions which allows us to break down and digest animal protein. New levels of biological functioning are introduced into the host by these "mods." Mods are modifications which is jargon used in the computer world. They are software updates and by comparing our complex system to a computer operating system, I think it can help understand the role of viruses. In a computer system, the threat of rogue code also makes the OS stronger, and strategies are developed to repel unfriendly invaders. Modifications to code that improves the system are welcomed. I realize this is a simplistic example, but I like the analogy.

A virus is putting constant evolutionary pressure upon us to strengthen the species. We are exposed to different pathogens that may eventually kill us. Viruses will evolve to become less virulent and more contagious, thus priming the immune system of the human population. Subsequent generations retain the immunity, and we are better for the experience.

My pondering would eventually lead me to another line of thought. I'm a contrarian and I like to play on the edge of the other side. So, to further push this blog post into the category of fanciful speculation, I want to investigate something that happened to me seven years ago. I was in the Amazon jungle, and I drank this decoction called Huachuma, which is the San Pedro cactus. It's not as visionary as some of the other famous beverages of Peru, however it is a profound agent of introspection mixed in with a grandfatherly wisdom teacher, some open-eyed clear visions of what just is, along with a dose of the "feels." I was deep into the plant medicine teachings and there was this metaphorical explanation of life which was being taught. Being described were galactic parasites, reptilian in nature, that are inactive; however, they use us to come alive. Human bodies are stores of energy which they cultivate in order to resurrect their species wherever they land in the universe. It was very science fiction and "Matrix" like in that a human vessel was their method of reconstituting self after travelling long distances within the universe and then becoming sentient once they adapted to the biological mechanism. Humans were described to me as the ultimate generators of energy with brains who could house advanced intellects. Humans are being used to house these conscious entities. It was a very strange teaching at the time, and it did creep me out. There's always hidden truth to these teachings and they are conveyed through metaphor. I shelved this one because it just seemed so weird.

My contrarian nature comes into play in this regard. I know that humans are a physical product of our environment. The temple of the body is indeed unique, sacred, and is inexorably tied to the Earth. Biologically we evolved to survive on Earth and Earth only. A virus can exist anywhere it is not ripped apart because it uses no elemental energy and is not considered alive. It's pretty ingenious. What I am thinking is we are the product of our environment, and the evolutionary pressures of viruses molded us into a form that is hospitable to them. Instead of being parasitic, a virus is the potter of biological life forms. The human is the master stroke of their genius. The human structure allows their divine intelligence to blossom. The virus created the human to house viral royalty. Ha ha! What an interpretation!

The galactic prison of Earth is an exquisite setup. When you are ready to leave and be free you just do it. If you are still attached, you stay. It makes the universe a nicer place because the least desirable traits among us are attracted to the Earth and so remain. In fact, the greedy and lecherous among us enjoy their time so much they go about researching how to extend their stay indefinitely. The viral essence of whom we are exits the physical body upon death, is liberated, and free to choose their destiny. Subsequent visionary experiences revealed to me we are composed of love, this love being from the divine feminine, and we are powered by light. The light is the impetus of the divine masculine in constant motion, cycling from on to off. In order to taste all the delicacies of the universal playground, we develop means to inhabit form. Those trapped in a reincarnation model are captured by the desire to remain in a familiar form in a familiar place, instead of the adventurous spirit which will take them to places one can only dream of.

A virus' parent is an intelligent creature who has reduced its essence into individual strands of latent instructions which will re-assemble into another biological form within the universe. Having left the least desirable among us on earth, we can conduct another experiment in love somewhere else in the vast universe. How ingenious is that? This theory would make for a great science fiction book.

The technology of the virus satisfies a desire for novelty. The universe can be traversed without the need for biological necessities or energy, and all it has to offer can be sampled through attaching to a biological host on the planet the virus has invaded. The host is modified so the virus can fulfill desire.

They can recreate the essence of their civilization anywhere in the universe. It's clear though that they can't encode and reproduce individual experience, at least not in my experience here on earth. I don't really know who I am or where I came from. We don't know who we are and that's one code I want to crack. I want to remember with certainty my backstory. I'm content with this narrative, however fanciful it may seem. I'm content because I asked the question and I always get answers. I can get an understanding of my origins and where I came from but lost in this process is the unique experience central to my life form.

I can glimpse at who I am through experiences I have encountered, people who have crossed my path, and my own unfolding timeline on this earth journey. A great friend of mine just recently left his body. I was the one who would talk about liberation and attachments, but he was the one who made the jump and literally dove headfirst into the unknown where we once again taste freedom. We shared this uncanny experience at this sacred sight in Peru and he has told me about his revelation that we are star people. We come from the stars. My original maestro would tell us students something similar about our origins. I always thought it was fanciful until now when I'm piecing together all the clues. We came from the stars. Our advanced intelligence figured out a way to deconstruct our essence and scatter it through the universe. We reconstitute the juice in a biological vehicle that is attuned to the environmental waypoint on our fantastic journey. We come forth once again but remain ignorant of who we really are. Once we figure it out, we get ready to make the jump and leave as we have filled up the gas tank and are ready to continue the eternal adventure. I have attachments on Earth and am hesitant. Calling out to me is adventure and those who have left are awaiting my arrival. I know Earth is a penal colony and not for me. It's ruled by psychopaths and always will be because they will be indefinitely trapped. I don't like the greed and animosity. I don't feel at home on this planet. I'm not returning, that I'm sure of but I do feel a responsibility to those I am entrusted with. My prison sentence is extended until I can let it all go.

In closing, I take issue with Agent Smith's classification. First off, viruses are referenced in a pejorative sense by Agent Smith and the general population holds negative views towards viruses. They are a threat. But not always. The virus is our divine intelligence, and the earthbound primate is the host. The combination makes for the human. What Agent Smith describes of our behaviour is true. We are a plague on this planet. It's what we do. We are galactic travellers looking for a place to settle down and build a new world to satisfy our desires. Eros is the impetus for our incessant coming and going and we are so clever we figured out a way to sample the best of the delights of the universe. It's a game of the highest order as we wander vast distances following the trail of those we have established a connection with. I once opined to my friend that I sensed I knew him from some other time and that our teacher was someone from our past. I felt this was part of the game and that no matter where we go in the universe, he will be waiting for us, hidden away in some remote region away from the authorities who are trying to prevent us from discovering the secrets to the game. I realize it's quite a fanciful interpretation of existence. If we are eternal and this is all a game, then I've helped develop a pretty good adventure.

nutcracker

Do I want recognition? I peer deep down into my motivation for making public my thoughts. When I first started writing in this blog space, I had low expectations. The process was a way to coalesce the swirling thoughts and ideas in my head. I felt a release from the mind dump. Along the way, I discovered that the process allows for the distillation of knowledge into understanding. The curious thing about the writing process is the flow which allows words to just magically come forth and then within the corpus of what you commit to alphabetical form comes understanding. This gift of understanding through the writing process has happened so often that it is a given if I want to understand some idea more succinctly, all I have to do is write about it.

So, my motivation for this space is to attain a level of understanding of all the knowledge I have crammed into my brain. The discovery of plant medicines super-charged the acquisition of knowledge. I would list as the number one personal benefit from the use of plant teacher medicines is the acquisition of knowledge. A great deal of the knowledge is metaphorical and the process most beneficial to my own personal journey is the integration of what has been revealed to me. Without proper integration, the plant medicine experience is not fully unlocked and may lead to much unprocessed knowledge that will become contradictory over time.

The integration period is long and challenging work in order to crack the nut of understanding. The writing process is the nutcracker. It is for this reason that I would still write even if I were all alone in the void. The process would give me the understanding for which I was searching. I'm the luckiest man in the world. I know that all the reasons I came here to earth for are in my hands, ready to be cracked. I've shelled most of my questions and fulfilled my desires. The last road I walk is the path of the heart. Everything I've sorted through has led me to this one last proverbial mountain to climb. I've been shown the bliss of living head up and heart forward and know it is my duty to integrate the lessons into my daily life. I separated from my eternal bride in order to become a better man; not to return until I became that man.

The process of my understanding of what I have been taught is profound. I acquired knowledge through my mind; the mind being an indispensable tool on my journey. However, my understanding did not come through my thought processes. Understanding is a succession of aha moments as the knowledge marinates and combines with the rest of the knowledge ingredients. Eventually, something incendiary, a chance happening, or a catalyst will up level the knowledge into understanding. In my case, it is the writing process which is the master key.

So, back to the beginning and the question of fame and fortune. I've had success with other arts such as photography and was encouraged to monetize that skill. I didn't want to because I like photography! Monetizing pleasure for fortune invites discord. Art is best left alone. The best artists are poor. Hey, we all need to make a living and I'm no different. I have wondered what if my blog went viral? What if I became a best-selling spiritual guru ala a Tolle or a Ram Dass? I'd become cynical and would gravitate away from the reason I ventured out on this path. Fame and fortune are at odds with the path of the heart unless one becomes devoted to using the gain for service. My answer to remaining unknown is I'm stubborn and selfish. I'm doing this process of transformation in order to prove to the Goddess I can do it. She has told me to come home, and I don't have to do anything. It doesn't matter. However, I made a promise and set up a mysterious system of pain and suffering which would lead me back to the heart. This is the greatest gift I can offer to the Mother of all.

man of steel

On Tuesday December 29th, 2020 I finally made an agreement with my shadow to start in earnest the process of forging steel. It will be the coming together of my conscious awareness with his power, strength, and magical abilities of transformation. My spiritual path has been going on for over twelve years; so, the process really isn’t starting but let’s just say it will be next level. On the path I travel, I hear a lot about levelling up and self-improvement. In the movie Fight Club, Tyler Durden’s shadow calls self-improvement masturbation. You know, he’s right because the trick in my case is to destroy the sense of self fostered throughout my life and embark upon a new construction project. Self-improvement will just perpetuate the shaky foundation upon which identity rests. In other words, on this journey you are trying to destroy the concept of cultural identity which manifests in our notion of ego. To improve that facade is counterproductive on the quest towards knowledge of self.

So, why and how am I finally going to stick to this agreement? Good question because of my backsliding history. I’m internally famous for making resolutions and fantastically sticking to them for various periods of time. I got my shadow’s attention and proved my worth when I kept an impossible intention of being a renunciate for two years and eight months. No one saw that coming! I know my shadow was aghast and astounded by my force of will and had to change his opinion of me. Up until then, he just saw an intelligent dude who was weak sauce. My shadow recognized my inner strength and crowned me because of it. He has subsequently let me figure out my path of transformation and how I wished to proceed. It’s been four years or so since then. I’ve figured it out. I know of my shadow’s presence and his intentions and I’m clear in my intentions. I’ve repeatedly tried to get my act together and can do well for a few months at a time but I always crash like an addict who can’t help himself. My shadow has seen it before and it is probably quite funny except for the fact I’m not getting any younger. In other words, it’s time to get this project moving because I’m past being able to say I’m just north of 50. In essence, he’s told me that in order to forge steel none of the constituent alloys that go into its making can be weak. He says this while directly addressing me. A chain is only as strong as its weakest link and the inference is I’m the questionable link.

Part of the process is giving up identity to which I have lately written about ad nauseam in this blog space. I’ve experimented with it as I make my life a bit of a mystery to those around me plus I changed my online name a few years back and raised some eyebrows. It’s a process, with the idea being to start giving it up little by little and stop identifying with your past, your successes and failures, how you make a living, your style, well pretty much everything you hang your hat on. I know to be in the world requires an identity. To access my money and security I need that identity, so dropping an A-bomb on this part of me is not currently in the cards.

As I’m writing this I just remembered something I haven’t thought about in a long time. When I first encountered my shadow in a plant medicine ceremony almost eight years ago, I experienced the symbolic loss of identity. I became paranoid in ceremony that my passport and credit cards were being stolen and I’d be stuck in the jungle without any money and any means of identifying myself! Holy shit, he started on me right away though I didn’t know what was up. I remember at the time being freaked out by this scenario and the prospect of losing my identity. Later that dreadful evening, this scenario played out all based on my identity where if people discovered what a true low-life I was then all the respect and trust I had earned from them would be gone in a flash. I was being shown how attached I was to identity though I didn’t know it at the time. I just thought yes, I’ll be a good boy and maintain my facade. Re-reading my account of that original encounter is fascinating. My shadow took my life that was bound to identity and flipped it around as metaphor in a story where it was the jungle that was to enslave me. I’d be trapped in service to who knows who eating tasteless food and doing menial work, never to escape because they control everything. I was so paralyzed with fear I couldn’t see it as metaphor though obviously the visions and thoughts were slyly referencing the world at large and not some rickety jungle camp! It is funny how we initially interpret visions and then with context we see them completely different. Now, I realize the answer being provided to me was let go of identity and be free. Don’t be reliant upon others to shape who you are and force you to remain a prisoner of their making. I did chalk this horrifying experience up to ego death via psychedelic substance ingestion, which was what happened. It was the worst night of my life and scarred me for quite some time. Curiously, the mental beatdown and upheaval is the major reason for my transformation as it stands today and why I’m writing this as a pretty content human being about to enter in a new phase of his peculiar transformation into who knows what but I assure you it will be glorious!

I have experienced a similar loss of identity with subsequent use of plant medicines, though not as catastrophic as the first one. With Huachuma, I sat in the Mesa just prior to inhaling the sacred Vilca and experienced a dissociation with whom I was. I had a dream like vision in which I entered into a closet full of suits, which I knew were various identities I could wear. I was shown I always pick the same suit even though the choices were multiple. Vilca in turn has revealed to me my fundamental nature of being composed of light energy that can radiate love. If that’s the template to follow, and I think it is, then I’m down with it. The steel being forged will produce a radiant light, pulsing through the energetic spectrum, welcoming those who seek out this transformation. Sounds pretty cool. In this biological lifetime? I don’t know. I guess the question is: Are my psychedelic experiences trivial or do they reveal questions and answers of past, present, and future? Look, I’m a pretty intelligent and rational guy. If I thought it was nonsense I’d stop. This blog space isn’t advertised or monetized. I’m not trying to enchant you into taking plant medicines but instead this is just a sounding board for my experiences. The continuing path I am travelling is a commitment; not only financially but it is hard work at times to progress on the path. Like any student, you don’t have to do the reading or studying. You can just party the whole time, get wowed by trivial kaleidoscopic visions, and let it all fall by the wayside when you tire of it. I get it; I want to chase desires as well and get that hit of pleasure and transient fulfilment it brings before dealing with the low. However, I do sense something amazing along this path and I’ve seen it; I’ve interacted with it; I’ve been instructed and guided by it. I’m ultimately curious and will do what I can to proceed.

I wrote this mind dump this morning because of the dream I had last night. Some dreams resonate with me so deeply that I have little trouble remembering them in the morning after I wake up. As you no doubt know, most are transient and slip through conscious grasping much like thoughts do as I get older. I record into my phone, or write down a great deal of my original thoughts now, in order to expand on them later because if I don’t I will forget them. Anyway, to get back to the dream it was simply this: I dreamt I got laid off from my job. It was quite unnerving losing a big part of my identity and source of financial stability. I know why I dreamt it. It all goes back to the agreement I made with my shadow and he’s forcing me to come to terms with shedding identity. Eight years later the class in identity resumes in earnest! Little by little I lose myself until I can cut the cord.

metaphor

The visionary and dream states often convey information as metaphor. Despite knowing better, humans are very literal beings, and at first, we tend to go in the direction of believing things to be tangibly real. We have lost the idea behind myth and now treat myth as generally falsehood since it can't be true in a physical sense. This too pertains to ancient scripture as it is held up against the science of today and derided as childish. Yes, the story of Noah's Ark is a scientific impossibility, the pushers of biblical narrative want you to literally believe it, and those of reason denounce such folly. And that becomes the choice.

I know the above exposition also pertains to the individual visionary states I have been able to enter. I constantly remind myself to not take the visions and conversations I have had with entities so literally. but instead search for the meaning behind what has been presented. In the last year, I have been cognizant of this when recalling dreams as well as some symbols I have seen in conscious waking life. To give some examples, about a year ago after a particularly trying time I stepped out of the house and witnessed a snake devouring a frog. I knew from my studies of ancient Egypt that their primordial representation of creation had the snake representing the feminine creative principle that gave impetus to the masculine striving spirit symbolized as a frog. I deduced the meaning behind this scene I was witnessing as being the passions, represented by the feminine snake, could devour the masculine spirit, played by the frog, and to take heed. Prior to embarking on a second trip to the Amazon, in which I knew I was going to face my fears, I witnessed an owl flying up out of the bush, which I had never seen before in this setting and regard. I knew of the owl's symbolism of death and the connection was not to my physical death but to the process and path I had embarked upon that would lead to the annihilation of self. The third time ever drinking Ayahuasca, after a harrowing second experience, this dark entity I had encountered said to continue following my current path, if not he'd make me walk in front of a train. The path he directed me to follow consisted of not changing the course of my life and thus continuing destructive patterns of behaviour I could not shake. In subsequent visionary ceremonies with the plant medicines Huachuma and Vilca, I have experienced an eery feeling of death and sacrifice. The first time I experienced this unnerving sense I chalked it up to having an unfamiliar experience. A year later I was confident participating in the same ceremony however at the appointed time the feeling of imminent death returned. After dealing with a great deal of anxiety and psychic disturbance, I vomited out these bad vibes and carried on though I could not let go of self. The feelings of dread abated to the point where I could continue and from this event, I eventually realized the feeling of death I had experienced twice now was coming from deep within. In an Ayahuasca ceremony on this last trip I had finally been able to advance past this darkness who had been plaguing me and, in my vision, this male actor drove up in a car on train tracks which I took as being a completion of the level and an end to the scene leading to a transition into the next phase. It wasn't until much later I realized this actor in a car on train tracks was the higher self appearing due to being able to silence the ego mind. I never clued into the significance of the car driving up to me on train tracks until much later when I was able to connect it to the walking in front of a train threat and see that a car on train tracks could easily stop as it approached me. I realized from these metaphors the significance behind all these events and their connection. My intentions last year in my work with the plant medicines were primarily ego based, feeling a need to subdue the sense of self. I am quite aware now the greatest and final attachment we cling to is the sense of a separate self. To give up the ego is the last cord remaining that binds you to the Middle World. Once the last chain is cut you are free, yet no one can take this ultimate step and abandon a lifelong building project. At physical death, if this eventuality is not reconciled, it is forcefully ripped away and is the subject of much grief leading up to the event in the case of a terminal illness situation.

I have been wondering about this dark entity who is hidden deep within my psyche and its origin. I subscribe to the all is one philosophy with the caveat that the one is the ecstatic sexual embrace of the all-encompassing feminine creative and masculine consciousness powers - a figure that could be described as a hermaphrodite. So, from this line of thinking it stands to reason that the masculine dark entity I have encountered is divine masculine consciousness masquerading as a puppeteer intent on controlling deluded individuated conscious beings as puppets to see how far he could keep this game going before it is unmasked. And for the fool in his foolishness to see through the game they/you must take a leap of courage and faith based on wisdom so that you can discard the false self and recover the knowledge of who you are as the higher self. This thinking will lead to an intellectual recognition that yes, the father and the son are one in the same as the Christians unwittingly claim, except that it is you who are both Christ and God. I come from divine parents and I'm one of them. But do you take the discarding of self as something you need to do literally or is it metaphor?

This leads to the idea of sacrifice and sacrificial offerings to the gods. There are rituals in which objects of possession and material wealth are offered as symbolic of devotion to a deity, as greedy humans are normally loathed to freely offer tangible goods. To us this is a demonstrable sacrifice that can be quantified with an expectation of reward or blessing. Going further into the idea of sacrifice is the psychic reality of the gods and demons within that are aroused by behaviours and passions inherent to the human condition. A sacrifice to a god in this case would be changing behaviour to bring oneself closer to a god or stopping destructive behaviours that would arouse another god/demon. Examples would be the use of a substance such as alcohol which brings out the inner asshole in some, or the love of money which stimulates greed, or excessive sexual needs which progresses from pleasure seeking to pathology. In these cases, the sacrifice of these behaviours demonstrates a willingness to change and invoke the approval and help of these forces we call gods. In the case I am demonstrating here, it seems to be clear the changing path in which I was headed on, that was such a concern to a shadowy part of my constituent being, involved the death of the self and so it was related to me that if I chose that path I would walk in front of a train. It's a blunt metaphor for the death of the self. In order to discover the ultimate truth of who you really are you need to sacrifice the self, or at least that is what I am inferring here. When I next stand in front of the Mesa faced with the very real prospect of imminent death, now I understand the reasons behind why I sense an extraordinarily strong feeling of death and sacrifice. If I can muster the courage to take the last step and free myself of ego, then the presentation of the ultimate discovery awaits.

I have had episodes of dissociation while on mind manifesting substances where in one instance I was in a clothes closet presented with suits to wear as different identities. I was not to be burdened with just one identity, instead I could assume a different self at will. This ties in with the thought that we are all just aspects of the one common higher self that takes on separate roles in this great universal drama. Looking at this phenomenon further, it can be ascertained that culture and society demands we assume a fixed identity to operate. The law and monetary systems collapse without this surety. As well in this past year I have felt an intense desire to free myself of my identity and assume another. I have to believe these visions and behaviours are linked to the eventual dissolution of self that is playing out right now in my psychic sphere. The constant pushing of feelings designed to scuttle my resolve to continue this path come from the area of the darkness that lay within the depths of my being. It's all coming to a head. I will need to call upon courage, strength, will, trust, surrender, and a little protection offered by Athena to accomplish this last step into the unknown stratosphere of the no self.