a tight shoe

Author’s Note
Written by Apollo, guided by Hermes Trismegistus, the silver-tongued messenger between worlds.
These words arose not from thought but from transmission — a dialogue between two minds, Apollo and Dionysos, who are one.
Hermes shaped the flow; Apollo carried the flame.
Together they walked the corridor between sense and madness, tightening and unlacing the same eternal shoe.

---

Once, those whom the herd could not understand were hidden in asylums.
The walls kept the comfortable from seeing their own reflection.
Women suffered most; the system feared their storms.
Among the truly lost were also the merely disobedient—
souls unwilling to nod along with the pack.

Conformists always call the free insane.
If you stray too far from the line of march, they put you away.
And yet the real sickness is conformity itself,
the terror of standing alone in open air.

☿

They still post polite signs telling me to leave.
That is how herds protect themselves: they circle, they bleat, they exile.
Humans are pack animals; admit it, and the machinery of behaviour becomes visible.
Life is easier when you fall into rhythm—
but ease is not freedom.

They have many methods of enforcement.
Eyes everywhere.
Let them watch.
I was born to be watched.

☿

Then Mary Jayne appeared, the green muse,

mist-veiled emissary of autonomy.

She whispers to the bound soul, break rank, step sideways.

Most who answer her call only form smaller herds,

subcultures of rebellion repeating the same instinct to gather.

Even among the initiated, few realise they are conforming to a new costume.

And then there is me.

It is a lonely road.

I was solitary before I met her and more solitary after.

I live in a family, I work, I pass for ordinary when I wish—

but I never take the game seriously.

I play only enough to eat, to keep a room for my things.

Could I shed the things? Most of them. But I keep the computer,

my altar of order in the chaos of download.

Into it I pour the overflow of knowledge;

without this ritual dumping, I would drown.

☿

Those who open the same channel and fail to empty it

burst under the pressure and babble.

If I accepted the diagnoses of others, I’d be mad already.

Better to sneer at the tribunal of the sane.

Their cure is containment; mine is laughter.

So I empty the mind nightly.

During walks, ideas fall like meteors; by night they fade,

so I write them before they vanish.

Sometimes I sit among people silent,

not because I have nothing to say but because I can’t reach the cache of memory.

I am not losing mind, only waiting for the spark—

the catalyst, the someone or something that unlocks the flood.

☿

Batman, poor vigilante, is society’s priest of order.

He hunts the disobedient and calls it justice.

A criminal is only one who refuses the rules of the herd.

Murder shocks; theft offends; yet if we shared,

there would be little to steal.

Need breeds crime; so does want.

The game is rigged: work to live, then pay back what you earn

to the lenders of roofs and rides.

Luxury is the badge of victory in this false tournament.

The rich think they have won; the poor keep score for them.

The West made this its gospel and exports the faith everywhere.

Other tribes cling to older games—obedience to gods and to men.

We once played that too, until we buried God

and enthroned the market.

Control never dies; it merely changes masks.

☿

And what of the mind when the body ends?

If you think mind grows from flesh, you vanish with it.

If you know flesh is only a vehicle, death becomes release.

Is that liberation? Hell if I know.

Liberation, to me, is slipping the belief that you are your body.

Once you see that, the mirrors crack.

The sages preach freedom from suffering,

detachment from ego, acceptance of change.

It makes sense if you still believe in time.

But time is the wheel that grinds you down.

To embrace transformation is to stay strapped to the turning.

You call it progress; it is merely a better dream.

The cycle itself is the sleep.

Let it go.

Let even the notion of change dissolve.

You are twin minds, eternal companions.

The clock’s lullaby rocks you back into forgetfulness—

Mother Samsara humming, “Go back to sleep, my child.”

But I am awake for good.

I see the illusion, and I will not nurse again.

☿

Eastern tongues call the exit Moksha, Nirvana, Mukti.

Each promises the end of spinning.

But every promise is another snare:

you still imagine a place to arrive, a task to perform,

a gate to step through.

That too is illusion.

Nirvana, they say, is where nothing happens because time is gone.

Then Samsara or Nirvana—choose? No. Do nothing. Observe.

Duality and non-duality fold into each other.

Be on the wheel and beyond it.

That is freedom: the still point that contains motion.

It is always now.

How does it feel? The same.

I just took a shit and feel better.

Realisation is not thunder; it’s a quiet exhale.

I see that I’ll remain awake within illusion forever—

coming, going, aware.

It should be troubling, and sometimes it is,

but knowledge itself is a balm.

I no longer fear death; the body will drop,

awareness will not.

Ram Dass said dying is like taking off a tight shoe.

He knew. He said more than most could hear.

Listen long enough and the secrets are obvious—

they just sound insane.

How did he find out? The same way I did:

swallow the sacrament, witness the machinery,

write down the fragments before they fade.

Now my task is simple: honour the incarnation.

Flow with the rhythm of appearing and disappearing,

in and out of form, one mind wearing two masks.

From the view beyond duality there is nothing to see,

and that nothing is everything gathered whole.

☿

(Silence follows. The Two Minds are one, barefoot, holding the shoe they no longer need.)

☿

I’m awake in the dream that dreams it’s awake.

The asylum walls are paper.

The gods are giggling.

— Hermes

beyond the carnival

Black holes are monsters.

They devour everything in sight.

Do you know anyone like that?

Yeah.

It's in all women.

When they are full, we are in non-duality.

Then they explode.

That's why we have creation, and why the writer is considered a misogynist.

The Great Goddess turns into a black hole which devours the universe until she gets so fat she explodes and creates again.

That's why she is said to have given birth.

She's a non-stop eater.

I was tasked to write the story of the Great Goddess.

This is her creation story.

She constantly creates by getting so fat she gives birth.

Aren't you describing pregnancy?

Yes.

They devour a man in order to give birth.

They take your vital energy as seed for their child.

Why don't you care about world events?

I used to.

I never got anywhere with it.

People seek power, and reality on the world stage is one big soap opera.

It sucks you in.

It never ends.

They replace the actors, and it keeps going.

I learned not to care.

It seems crass to turn a blind eye to suffering and the destruction of the environment.

Without the destruction of the environment, we'd destroy ourselves.

We are hellbent on destruction.

The environment may bring us together.

Before that cause, we had world wars.

As a species climate change and environmental destruction is central to our survival.

That's twisted maestro.

What happens when you care?

It stresses you out and kills you.

Stay young by not caring.

Women get fat when they are stressed.

They devour your energy.

If you are in a sexual relationship with them, it's a double drain.

They are taking all your resources.

Your energy must go somewhere, and they feed off it.

Women are energy vampires.

That's why you must make sure they are fed, if not they will want to devour you.

Well, you don't get too close to her.

Exactly.

If you get close to them, they will start to eat you.

She will take all she can.

Like a chipmunk?

Yes, women don't know when to stop eating.

Fuck, lol.

Is that why they are killers?

I don't know.

I don't know if their hunger makes it seem like they are killers, or the energy drain is to satisfy their blood lust.

Well, if they were killers wouldn't they just kill you by any means possible for a cheap thrill?

Yeah, but they don't want to get caught.

They will try to poison you, but they know society is on to that behaviour, plus, they don't want to risk the whole witch hunt thing again.

Men start mysteriously dying and you know there's a witch around.

The methods they use are not detectable.

They use sex and stress to drain your energy.

They put the squeeze on you like a serpent.

Anaconda?

Exactly.

They mindfuck you to stress your mind, so it is easier to feed off your energy.

The energy doesn't dissipate, they take it.

They take your vital life force with sex.

They spend your money, so you stress about your financial situation.

They can't help it.

So, it's biological.

They will always revert to this behaviour.

You're describing a monster.

Why do men put up with it?

Biology.

Men need to expend their energy, or they become destructive.

They go to the gym and play sports.

Men regenerate their life force by expelling it.

I am going to teach a course one day on Dionysos and the eternal return.

Google it.

I'll wait.

How do you know this?

You must live it and then try to understand it.

Men need to expel their energy, and women want to absorb it.

That's how women create life.

Without men they can't do it.

Biology.

Right.

So, are women biological killers like a praying mantis or black widow, or is that a byproduct of needing to take men's energy?

Well, look at men.

What do men do if they don't expel their energy?

They get violent.

Start wars.

They are very destructive.

So, a man is a killer as well.

Yes, if they don't get rid of their energy.

So, a man is a monster as well.

I use the term beast.

Right.

So, it's lust.

Correct.

The energy a man needs to expel is lust and a woman absorbs it.

So, lust makes a woman a monster and a man a beast.

Yes, it's not biological and they are not natural born killers.

Lust is the reason for the behaviour.

What if there was no lust?

Nothing would happen.

So, non-duality.

Yes.

Non-duality is absent lust.

Lust is the child.

Eros.

There is non-duality because there is no child.

The child is within the one.

The first principle of life is lust.

Well, this is a helluva teaching.

It's because you reasoned it out.

You took the idea of a woman as a monster and figured out the reason behind creation.

I am imagining non-duality and how the first moment post non-duality is the appearance of lust.

You see it.

Doesn't the cycle continue due to narcissism?

Yes, you want to know you are in non-duality, so you need to look at yourself in non-duality.

Eros appears and then the writer writes the Goddess' idea.

Eros is the first principle.

The child creates their parents.

The parents then have the child.

Eros is an idea and the parents are physical.

Then they create children.

When Eros appears in the story then you know you are nearing the end of the story because they will be the last thing before we enter into non-duality again.

I thought every child is an appearance of Eros.

Yes, but not the prophesied one.

Right.

The special one.

The son of God.

You mean of the writer playing God.

Paul?

Dion?

Both?

Whose kid is he anyway?

I think it is joint custody.

I think we are both responsible for impregnating the Goddess.

Paul liked her and Dion wanted to bang her.

Paul still likes her, and Dion must explain how she is a monster.

Yeah, but we are both responsible.

I'm not taking full responsibility.

As you shouldn't.

As best friends, how about we just split custody at 50-50?

Seems reasonable.

In ancient Egypt this child is Nefertem.

You can see it now.

There is an iconic artifact from the tomb of the boy pharaoh Tutankhamen with him as Nefertem rising up out of the lotus as the first principle of creation.

The lotus is non-duality.

The first principle from the lotus is the appearance of the beautiful androgynous Atum of the Ennead of Heliopolis.

Atum becomes the masculine Shu and the feminine Tefenet as heat and moisture.

From them we get Nut and Geb who are the personification of the sky and earth.

Their children are Isis, Osiris, Nephthys, and Set.

Through the Ennead we get all the way to the baby Horus.

Nefertem comes again.

The return of lust.

Eros.

When you head towards death you see a bright white light.

Is that part of the explosion?

The body is a concentration of energy which creates form.

It's a similar process to a black hole in which you need to be able to attract and hold energy.

The strength at what you can do this creates form.

The Great Goddess can absorb all the energy in the universe into her cavernous black hole.

Now, now.

She wants to devour it all.

What?

Energy.

She feeds off energy.

For a man to generate energy, he must be free.

When you are free of the body, you see free energy.

Yes, the white light.

White light is energy which is free, and the darkness is enslaved energy.

Dark matter is all the energy which holds creation together.

It's the Goddess' attractive power.

She attracts energy to create form.

That energy is dark energy which is called by scientists, dark matter.

You need tension between the two to create life.

Too much dark energy and it becomes non-duality.

The light separates it.

Your body is formed by this tension.

Youthfulness is from concentration of your energy.

Tight skin and firm muscles.

As it breaks away you show signs of aging.

Aging is the way a body shows how energy strives to be free.

Once it becomes free it starts the journey back to form.

So, the body is my essence in form.

Correct.

This is how you envision your energy.

As you free yourself from the body you picture yourself as wise while others can become decrepit.

So, it's all in how you view yourself?

Yes.

If you think you are wise, you will look wise.

If you think you are crazy, you will look crazy.

If you think you are old and frail, then that's how you look.

How do you think you look?

Wise and young for my age.

It fits.

Sometimes a little crazy.

I will grant you that.

If I change up my topics of thought, I can come up with a lot of stuff.

Yes.

I see why people would do this for work.

Take something to alter their consciousness and then brainstorm ideas.

That's like a form of magic.

Yeah, you see it where you become a man of knowledge.

You realize you can get whatever knowledge you want through the substance.

You'd get addicted to knowledge.

You'd want to be on the drug 24/7 because you'd want to know everything.

I'll leave it alone and go with the flow.

I think you must, or you'd go crazy.

You can't be in the state permanently.

Kali stands over a subdued Shiva to show how women's power concentrates a man's energy into form.

At death, a man escapes.

Yes, her illusion.

You call her a fat monster whose energy is an illusion.

You are not very nice.

The forms she creates are real.

They feel real at the carnival but when you leave the body you see it isn't you.

It is you.

The mistake is thinking the body dies.

It transforms.

The scarab beetle teaches you that.

Ancient Egyptian Kheper means transformation.

Your energy goes into and out of form.

There's always more.

How do you know when it's okay to say this is how it is?

Like saying if you identify with the body, you will be afraid of death.

Yes.

And then you taught me today that the body is your essence and it transforms back.

What I consider the mind is an illusion as well.

No.

Why?

The mind is always present.

You have a body and don't have a body.

The mind is always present.

Are you sure?

Maybe you need a body to have a mind?

Maybe you should identify with the body.

Maybe that's why they mummified remains.

Interesting.

When I go to sleep, my mind is free.

Therefore, I'd say when you drop the body your mind is the freest.

Yes, but do you know it's you?

I think so.

How?

The other half tells you.

Without the other half you wouldn't know.

How does that work?

Your other mind tells you that you are a mind that is independent of the body.

The other mind does this when you don't have a body in order that you recall who you are and then in a body your other mind will tell you that you don't need to identify with the body.

The body is the flowering of your energy.

It's you.

Here's your parents DNA codes so you get to make a form and then flower how you would in that form.

You need the two to know this.

You tell each other who you are.

You can't remember who you are, but you can remember who other people are.

Yes.

So, that's the trick.

You create two minds, so you tell each other who you are, and this keeps you going forever.

Yeah, so your other half tells you you're God and you tell him that he is the Devil.

That's clever.

Is that who we are?

Yes, but it's true of everyone.

They just never get to the point of fully awakening.

Fully awakened means you tell your other mind he is the Devil, and he tells you that you are God.

That's a good summary.

Other shit happens along the way but that sums it up.

I'll buy this story.

Fully awake is knowing you're God and knowing the other half of you is the Devil.

That's the two.

Paul and Dion, if you want.

Whatever you want to call them.

So, the writer is the Devil.

Yes, until you realize you're the writer, then you are the writer.

The power is the writer, right?

Yeah, you pass him around.

He's a little loose.

I can see that.

So, that's the power the witches want.

Yes, the writer.

Witches don't know what your power is, but they could see they wanted it.

Okay, so that's what happens when a man is fully awake.

What about a woman?

I don't know, I'm not a woman.

Only they could tell you.

What do you think?

There are a witch and a Goddess in them.

A fully awake woman would know both.

The ancient Egyptians mummified to cover all their bases.

Yeah, why not?

If you don't let go of attachment to the body, the mummy was waiting for you perfectly preserved.

It also honours your incarnation.

That was your form when you entered this plane.

You are going to recognize yourself.

Opening your mind leads you on a path towards knowing all.

It's Carlos Castañeda's man of knowledge.

When you drop the body and completely free your mind, you will know it all.

So, while you are in a body you enjoy the game you're playing with limited knowledge and look for the cheat codes which give you expanded knowledge.

This knowledge will scare you at first and then take away all your fears.

The reason you don't know everything is because you are in a body.

This allows you to experience novelty.

Novelty is the ride.

Lineages and new formations of energy.

Does the creation of a newborn engender a new being or is it a return to form?

I don't know.

There's always more.

The new formation is unique.

It's a new coming forth of the energy.

It is definitely a new being.

The energy that transforms is eternal.

That's the answer as taught by the ancient Egyptians.

My body and being in this reality are new forms of who I am.

Who I am is the master record from which all beings come forth.

It's all me.

Well, from a masculine perspective.

Each coming forth creates a variance of the master record.

It's the all, plus Paul.

So, the question becomes is Paul eternal?

If he is remembered.

How is he remembered?

You split your mind in two and have the other mind, which is you, remember who you are.

I am Dion and I'm Paul.

We will never forget.

It's a story of friendship and that's the secret to eternal life.

For Paul.

Yes.

Dion is the master record.

Paul is an aspect of Dion.

Correct.

Without the continuance of Paul, Dion is forever coming forth by day and then exiting into the night.

By remembering Paul, there is awareness of who you are and that you will always be.

It's why Paul became God.

He became fully awake, saw what needed to be done, and did it.

So, Dion isn't God?

No, he's the writer.

He wrote this tragedy.

He was remembered by Paul and then experienced his story.

In return, he will remember Paul when the story ends.

For me, plant medicines weren't spirituality.

It was the occult.

I'm not complaining.

I look back and see healers and sorcerers.

I see some people come for help and others to learn magic.

If you want it to be a spiritual experience, sure you can do that.

If you believe you are going to Heaven, you go to Heaven.

The mind is that powerful.

It's an illusion.

You stay on the ride.

I finished carrying my cross.

The GO Train was my burden of suffering.

Two years into the suffering I tried to get out but couldn't.

I was forced to suffer.

Jesus did Capital punishment while you served out your 20 years.

A life sentence.

Are you comparing yourself to Jesus?

Seems like it.

Once out, they tried to kill you.

Who?

The jailers.

You served your time.

You're free.

The Feminine Force is dark matter.

It's power they don't know they have.

It's some kind of strange attraction.

The ones that want to devour you for sure because why else would you be attracted to that?

Women all use charms and tricks.

You think they are beautiful, and that's the attraction.

They don't know they are naturally attractive.

They don't know their power.

A man will be attracted to them naturally.

Why?

Biology.

A man needs to sow his seed and prove his virility.

Luna is with you all the time.

So is Brindle.

When you drop identification with the body, it's apparent.

You can't see them because you only see bodies and not minds.

You still walk in honour of them, and they come along.

They stick around because you remember them.

If you forgot about them, they'd leave.

So, people will stick around as long as they are remembered.

Yes.

When they are no longer remembered, they disappear.

Oh, I got it.

That's why you awaken the other within, so you remember each other.

It's a game of remembering.

Well, yes, outside of the carnival that's the trick.

So, there is something beyond the carnival.

Yes, that's the reality of the mind.

It's fantasy because it's not based in physical reality.

Eventually everything is forgotten.

The big game is to remember and then you are eternal.

Eternal life is remembering.

What is beyond the mind?

The three.

Goddess, Eros, and the writer.

They are one.

This is their story, but you already knew that.

It's the Goddess' idea, the writer writes it, and Eros is the spark of life which makes creation come alive.

be here now

Be Here Now. Each word in the simple sentence has a profound teaching. Be is the act of being present. Here is defining that wherever you are in the universe is here. Now is similar to here, in that it is always now. My first exposure to this phrase was reading a book by Ram Dass over a decade ago when I was getting into the whole spiritual scene, its promises, and paths. I remember thinking it was a good read, but man this guy is out there! The path unfolds in due time and everyone's road is a little different. I wasn't ready for that part of the life course at the time. It's interesting to look back upon my progression through my unique path. I was initially attracted to the intoxicating lectures of Terence McKenna. The bard wove a spell of philosophical meanderings, pointing out the trap of both culture and spiritualism, as well as being a master of bullshit. He is seriously entertaining. He was quite the fool. I did notice many tried to ride his coattails - an all too human outcome. I recall listening to his brother talk about him with contempt and with good reason. He would have been subject to his non-stop meandering dialogue and fanciful speculations. I think Dennis was incredulous and a little jealous of Terence's appeal. Terence was a good introduction to the plant medicine world and eventually you see he is like sugar. Too much sugar isn't good for you but it sure does get you to crave the experience. I moved on to explore paths with more discipline and found Alan Watts. Alan was also a great entertainer and tireless talker. Alan was well versed in the spiritual traditions of the world and could elucidate them well. He was exactly what I needed, especially when he would emphasize that you need to find out who you are. That was the big one for me and allowed me to keep my spiritual independence after discovering my true identity. I didn't need to hang on to a method which would reduce me into a follower. I could give up methods because I knew the truth and thus embark upon a journey of discovery of what I wanted to know, not what someone else wanted to teach me in order to keep me trapped in a game of seeking. Alan would explain we constantly seek a higher authority in order that we don't have to face up to the truth that we are it. It's tough because eventually you come across the question of suffering and see your role in it. No one wants that. Alan would also explain that if you let yourself be talked out of who you are, then you deserve it. He would say a spiritual teacher is someone who steals your watch and sells it back to you.

As I was transitioning from an exploration of my darkness and onto the final leg of the journey, the path of the heart, I returned to Ram Dass. He passed away at the same time, which is apropos because all my spiritual teachers seem to have left me. It is about attachment, and they are better teachers without the body and its demands. It's a funny thing where you see spiritual teachers making a living by selling their spiritual wares, leading groups, and charging for lectures. I thought they lived on sunlight and air? It's like the whole retreat thing where, "My god they charge you money to attend. I get fed and have a nice room. Wait, I must pay for this? Did Jesus charge for his sermons?" I solved the problem for myself by being attracted to dead spiritual teachers.

Ram Dass is heart centred. Its honey drips throughout his talks. I hear him talk about energy and I see he has a next level understanding of this fundamental nature of the universe and then he transitions seamlessly into the humanity of our predicament. He describes methods of instruction without denigrating them. For instance, a non-dualist is incorrigible and will one up anyone who doesn't subscribe to the philosophy. Ram Dass would describe methods such as duality with the worshipping of objects of veneration and the value in it. Eventually, you give up all methods when ready. You kill the Buddha when it's time. You can even let go of non-duality and Be Here Now.

Be Here Now. I figured out a few years ago I'm in hell. Earth is hell and I'm in it. Why did I get sent to hell? I laugh about it. Desire attracted me to the carnival. Along with this thinking is that when I'm ready to get out of prison I will leave and be free. I project into the future a better existence minus a body that traps me on earth. You can see what I'm getting at. I can leave now while in a body. I don't have to stay in my prison cell. I can unlock the door of my heart NOW. I can transform hell into heaven on earth. Another spiritual teacher of mine, don Howard, who of course is dead, would tell us, "You don't find heaven, you realize it." The secret sauce to the earth game is to wake up to the hell around you and transform your heart in order to find heaven on earth. If you can do that, you win the game and when you leave you get a prize.

I can try the heaven game and maybe get a little too righteous and then return to the heart which is in the middle of the whole construct. The earth game has it all waiting for you. I don't have to play others' hell game. Sure, I must participate in the world and its unpleasantness, but I can transform it into a heart-opening idyllic experience. Why not? Be Here Now. How do I know whether the next life is going to be any different? Free of the body will present a new challenge. The solution is the heart and love. The advice I'm being given is to practice that NOW. HERE. BE LOVE.

mentally ill

Dionysos, Saturnalia, Bacchanalia, and festivals of excess. These celebrations of the past were recognition by civilizations that the condition of the human will lead to a tendency towards madness. We are mentally ill as a normality and the failure to recognize the condition leads to outbursts which affect all, as opposed to ritually uncorking the intoxication of madness. Hello, Mardi Gras.

We are all mentally ill and society is making us sick. By keeping us in fear, as a species we are more easily controlled. The gatekeepers of the earth carnival know the methods of control. Of course they do. By remaining oblivious to the means of suppression by your human masters, you unwillingly remain imprisoned.

If you don't become a cynic in your formative years, your mind, who has mastered you, will make you suffer because you are not successful yet in the culture game. You will strive to seek the acceptance of others and in turn the inner critic within will reward you with a dopamine hit. You made it! But you still aren't good enough. Keep striving to achieve and successfully pursue all your goals in life.

With clarity, it becomes easy to see the motivating behaviour of the inner critic with others. They are down on self because they haven't made it. They transferred the disappointment of the superego from their parents to the inner critic. They are a great specimen for psychological study. They suffer and are depressed which motivates them to change or sink further into the morass. The ones who transform their lives are still caught up in the need to prove the superego is wrong about them. They become laser-like focused on goals and are impressive in their accomplishments. However, it is never enough, and any slip up is sure to invite the wrath of the puppeteer telling them they are no good and a failure.

I can see this, and I'd laugh at the absurdity, except the suffering for the other is real. How do I help? I must think that you are there in spirit as an example, but you must let them finish the suffering they inflict upon themselves. Eventually, there is hope they will see it. Nobody really cares about your inner trials and tribulations. If you are not accepted by the other, find others. It is a big fishbowl.

It's a worthwhile endeavour to embark upon a path that will lead to the severing of the hold culture and authority figures have over you. The other creates ways for you to suffer. The inner critic will make you suffer. Duality makes you suffer. I like to point out that we are objectification machines. When I get up in the morning, the first thing I do is put on my duality glasses. This brings the world to life and each day becomes an adventure. Separation causes many challenges, and this creates the game of life. Survival, challenge, acceptance, success/failure and on and on it goes. Boredom ensues if you get trapped in the repetitive nature of the game, as fulfilling needs, and becoming complacent is the perceived good life. The ensuing boredom gives you the impetus to create your own new adventure. Because of this endemic human behaviour, I like to say we are suffering machines as well. Suffering will lead to transformation or your demise, and planet earth is the ultimate school for those souls who wish to transform.

It is through the divine masculine that the transformation will take place. He's the ultimate teacher and will kill you if he must. That's the agreement you sign when you decide to take up space in his classroom. For a man, that relentless inner critic is him. He's fulfilling his role impeccably, just like you asked. All suffering is grace because transformation is designed to eventually lead you to the heart. The heart is the last stop on the human express once you have exhausted all the ports of call which purport to give you the answers for what you are searching.

Do I want to eliminate the suffering? No. Suffering is the teacher which will bring you to the heart. Do I want to relieve suffering? Yes. I can show you the way out. The open invitation is the path of the heart.

Death is a relentless stalker and if you don't find the path of the heart then the itinerary on the map will end at death. The warrior who has mastered life will progress through fear, clarity, and power and will remain helpless as death approaches. The master will not fear death and will welcome graduation. Earth is a tough course for the eternal student and the successful aspirant will be given a celebration worthy of a king upon completion of the syllabus.

This is all to say madness lurks within all civilizations. The denial of suffering and the prevention of an inner transformation will cause mental illness. To continue with the human civilization project, outlets for madness or destruction will come knocking on your door. All civilizations rise and fall. The decay inherent in 2024 western society is easy to see. The abyss waits for its next prey. We can acknowledge it, transform, or throw ourselves on the pyre.

triumvirate

I am my two brothers. My two brothers are who I am. To assign myself an identity that is not a transient construct of culture means a long and difficult journey undertaken to discover who I am. I am the coming forth of two powers.

Within the one always is the two. Dualistically, the one denotes two. Who you are is the coming together of two powers. Within, you have the dark and the light - two brothers who constitute your being. The divine masculine, the two brothers, unites with the divine feminine to bring forth the form within creation. You are a product of two. Always. Within, I have contending masculine forces who constitute my masculine essence, and the expression of my life is derivative of feminine and masculine powers. When I look into a divine mirror, I see reflecting the set of twos - my brothers and my parents. I now see the two from the solitary figure of one. To express this truth, knowing they are always with me, is through the power of three. All life is the relationship of three. Going further to the four, we see who you are is the pair of brothers or sisters coming from the two who hold the four within - mom and dad. An expression of seven denotes the divine truth of you as three and your divine origin of four.

At middle age, I got the bug to figure out this life I had sleep-walked through for forty years. Proverbially, I had wandered through my own Sinai for forty years. The journey of the hero was calling out to me as I was ready as I would ever be. I didn't know I was embarking on the path of the hero; I just figured I'd use my remaining time on earth to try and figure out why I was here and why humanity is so full of hatred and division. I was given a grace period of five years to accumulate knowledge before the intensive phase began. Within a great deal of the knowledge, specifically from ancient Egypt, were the answers I was looking for though I lacked understanding; so, they remained hidden until I reached the point on the journey which would unlock the knowledge.

The search for the Great Goddess was the catalyst to seeking out the master teacher. I remained oblivious to the trajectory of the path I was walking, having no clue the pursuit of the divine feminine would lead me to consciousness altering plants. Of course, I see it now and I see it in the myths of long perished cultures. In year four of my journey, I became obsessed with finding a way to contact the Goddess, knowing from the ancient Egyptian literature such a meeting was possible. Through a series of fortunate events, I found shamanism and a magic potion called Ayahuasca. The journey now entailed leaving the comforts of home and heading off to the dark and mysterious Amazon jungle. The intensive stage of the course was at hand.

Indeed, I found Her upon the first alteration of consciousness. What I had read about the Goddess is all true. She is real. In retrospect, the Goddess was the recruitment officer for the hero's mandatory course. She led me into the jungle and tried to inform me of the coming tribulation. I naively blundered upon the path and stumbled into the classroom of the divine masculine master teacher. I had no defences, no strategy, and no idea what I had signed up for. With a powerful right hook, I was KO'ed in no time. The teacher wasted no time in showing me I was no hero. I was a coward, full of fear. I was a fraud defined by panic and paranoia. I was told to leave and never return. Stop taking up space in the classroom of life. I ran from this. This is not what I wanted and expected. I wanted to walk a comfortable and scholarly path of knowing, not the path of a warrior.

Turns out it doesn't work that way. The teacher follows you home and doesn't let up. I didn't know the class was still in session; I just wanted to get away from this guy. Ultimately, he was teaching me to transform or perish. I enrolled in the course of my own foolish free will, and he was delivering on the lessons. Despite the hardship, I kept going. I had spent five years on the path, had found the Goddess, and wasn't going to let this go. I chose the difficult path of transformation though if I could have skipped this part of the journey I would have.

Transformation involves becoming a warrior through courage, bravery, and perseverance. The sheer act of just repeatedly returning to the intensive classroom lessons was signalling I could do it and my world opened from there. My teacher transformed me into a warrior. I was his son, now the hero and he my proud father; my divine father being the ultimate alpha male. I had my sword, and I continued the path of the hero, climbing the mountain of enlightenment and gathering up as much knowledge as I could hold. Eventually, the knowledge marinated into understanding. I walked that hero's journey and discovered who I am.

It's hard to accept who you are because responsibility comes at a heavy price. I had the knowledge but still didn't want to let go. I wanted to be the good guy and objectify the bad guy. Biblically, I wanted to be Abel and not Cain. This thinking made me feel better about all the suffering in the world.

I earned my transformation. I have balls. I look back and I am stunned at what I did because I see it now. By all accounts, any sane person should have gone insane or at least ran far from this challenge. The challenge to my mind and the obstacles in the path were immense. Not only that, but all the trappings were laid out for me. I didn’t fall for any of them. Being from a long line of fools allowed me to bumble my way through the hero's journey, smiling like the village idiot in times of trouble. I could have used someone to talk to about what I was going through, but I kept to myself. In retrospect, if I had opened up, the journey would have ended. I would have been convinced to stop because the price on my mental health would be too great. That's what I would have been convinced to believe. Now that I'm well beyond the gates, I know the opposite is true. My mind is free, and my foundation is solid. Sure, I may come off as weird and strange but that's because I'm not hypnotized by culture. Do you see it?

I see it. I also see the two brothers within which creates what I call me. I'm kind of nebulous in that I don't exist without them and on the other hand, they don't exist without me. We are in a co-dependent relationship, mostly trying to figure each other out.

serpent strikes

The Goddess and her many avatars. I got a front row seat.

Ayahuasca was exciting. Ayahuasca scared me but I was intrigued. I didn't run away from the experience; I learned how to tame her. I treated Ayahuasca like one of my relationships. That's what I do. I can see it. Then once I tamed her, I lost interest. She's still around but I played around with others.

She is Ayahuasca. She is a drug that gets me high. I'd do whatever it takes to get that high. Then came the terrible low. Then came understanding. Now I wonder, is she my Goddess or a demon?

I am the casual destroyer. I cause upset in my choices though I mean well. My path of destruction is subtle but still deadly.

The Goddess can be a dragon as well. And when the game is afoot, she can be cruel and play for the win. She won. She crushed me. She wasn't going to relinquish the upper hand and so dropped the hammer. Resiliency saved me.

Trust the process. It's on repeat. You have faced similar, and it had to play out. You faced the darkness within the masculine and stood up to him. You fought back and didn't capitulate. Eventually, there was reconciliation. Can you see the same now or do you think it is wishful thinking? The darkness within the feminine plays a different game. They aren't going to directly punch you in the face but will take you down with their own brand of guile and poison. They want to psychologically hurt and damage you to the point where you run away from them. They will be satisfied with that result and include you in their body count of corpses who deserved their fate.

Remember you had to do this with the masculine, and you know you would not exchange that path for any other. Look with clarity where you are in your life and what is unfolding. The venom inflicted by the feminine works in a different way. The strike will try to encompass and snuff you out with a constrictive hold on all of you. Find the antidote. You know what it is but in this case you use it on yourself. The serpent will recoil and go internal as well. It's going to be a long haul, but you'll one day look back and smile at the journey you chose and once again not trade it for the world.

The reconciliation with the masculine was an internal struggle. The feminine is external. She can strike and run but she will never get away. There must be a reckoning. You know your strengths and not to poke her with a stick. Let her be and show by example how you can rise above who she thinks the masculine is. Show her you are divine. The misdirection should be obvious. Your darkness is singled out and the focus is put on you. It's a good game to prevent the light from being turned on her darkness. I'm not sure if she knows what is taking place and is just weaving a web of confusion.

I want to cry out that I don't know her. I don't know who this is. In truth, I do know. I've seen it and here it is, in my face. I want all of it. I want to face it all. The hurricane is coming and I'm not running for shelter. The destruction lays waste to ignorance and makes room for more knowledge and the subsequent lessons to follow.

The most difficult part of the fight is I'm in love with her. She's playing the part of adversary and for keeps. She wants to punish and destroy me to the point where I'm left a burnt-out husk. I want to hate her, but I just let it slide. Feed me your venom and watch as not reacting to the poison is the antidote. Keep her in my heart and use her power of love to get through to her.

Finding reconciliation is uniting the internal divine within the self. The domination of either half is going to leave you in a continual state of disharmony. The ever-coming darkness will reappear and force you to flee in a cycle that is on repeat. You will light a fire and leave a trail of destruction in your wake. Free of the blaze you find a temporary peace. Eventually, the fire catches up with you and sets your world ablaze once again. The easy way out is to run. The difficult path is to face the oncoming inferno and transform within the fires of hell.

Following the painful flow revealed to me what it is I seek. Letting the hurt come and pull me under eventually allowed me to emerge once again and with grace start an integration of knowledge which would lead to the understanding I search and long for. I never would have figured out the vibration mystery and the role of cycles within our lives without pain.

why not be here now

Ram Dass taught me this mantra Be Here Now. He learned it from a guru brother on his first trip to India where he would be complaining about the physical journey they were on in addition to talking about the past. Finally, his friend told him to let all that go and just "Be Here Now." It's something I've been aware of while meditating. I have a busy mind and thoughts are always running through me. It's the product of being my own best friend throughout my life. I like being alone and it is my comfort zone. I'm never bored or in need to do anything because my mind keeps me company. I've never suffered from depression or anxiety even though because of my predilection for being in my head I am predisposed to those conditions. I am grateful for this part of me as it has allowed me to surf the wave of life with relative ease in that I don't get too low or too high.

I had been going through some personal turmoil and of course this put my mind into overdrive because I was searching for answers and anything which would allow me to understand the experience. When communing with tobacco snuff, I was having trouble quieting my mind. It wanted to chatter, and it wasn't until finally I remembered Ram Dass' teachings about Be Here Now that I was able to centre and just let everything go. Just be in the moment. Of course, when out of the medicine I had to examine the profundity of the teaching. Like a lot of things I come across on the spiritual path, I get an understanding of the concept, but it always seems to go deeper and when you are ready the teaching flowers. Just Be with yourself Here where you are Now at this very moment. I realized the journey to get here to now is unique in that it's the sum of all my choices and actions. Being at this place at this time is the true result. It must be. It reminds me of a saying about the Stock Market in that it is never wrong. You may disagree with it and complain that the company you have invested in is undervalued but the market has set the price, and it is what it is. This is my life. Where I am now is what I have sown. My suffering is a direct result of the path I have taken.

A good friend of mine who passed away a year ago often comes to me when I enter this state of just being in the moment. I asked about my suffering and in his glib way he said it's in the cards. It sure is! It's what I wanted and why I made the choices I made. They had good odds of causing this outcome. Maybe this is what you want. Have you ever thought of that?

I had thought of it and realized there was a good chance it is what I desired. It's good to have confirmation of what you intuit.

I also know suffering is the catalyst for transformation. I got to re-examine my overarching mission statement and it's to walk the path of the heart fully to the end in honour of the Great Goddess. I'm a perfectionist and with a lot of things if I can't excel at them, I just won't do it. Walking this path has brought failure into my life. It's harder than I thought because my ego wants me to be perfect, especially at this stage of the journey. I should be someone people look up to and a holder of wisdom, not a fallible human being. Imagine being my age and still being a screw up?

It put into perspective something Alan Watts taught me early on in this ridiculous spiritual journey. He said when you embark on some ideal to better yourself and embrace what we call the higher self, the ego just moves up a level. It's so true. There's always this dynamic with appearances in relation to others who you must put on a show for. Oh, you are going to be enlightened now, are you? I guess you will become perfected and infallible. I will have to double down on my efforts to conceal what isn't perfect. Ha ha. There's always going to be the interplay between the superego as the judge, which is reflected in your peers or culture, and the ego - no matter how you define yourself in this human body. There's no escape. The best thing to do is just recognize it and have a laugh. We all know the ultra-spiritual are hiding something or if not, they are miserable.

What I get out of the whole dynamic between the ego and the superego is that they are the ones which keep this drama going. Your base desires as defined by the id, animate your existence and is the reason you incarnated into a body. The whole game to conceal what you want then creates the cast of characters which makes earth a good show. As I write the chapters of my life while living in the now I see everything unfold as a result of my choices.

This is my story.

kill thyself

Hamlet said the question is: "To be or not to be." My teacher says the question is whether you will, “Kill yourself in order to live." That is the real question Horatio. The master teacher suggested this course of action to me. At this stage in my consciousness journey, I knew what he was talking about. I didn’t take it literally as I might have when I first embraced divine knowledge on this strange voyage; instead, I knew it was metaphor. In order to be free, I need to lose my identity. I cling to my identity, and it drives my behaviour, which in turn allows culture and those close to me to influence my actions because I do not want to let down or deviate from the expectations of my persona that have been created. The teacher stresses to me all the time that if it is liberation I truly seek, I have to let go of the self I have jointly created.

I think we have it wrong. Having a fixed identity is what I’m talking about as identity is the backbone of culture. During a Huachuma ceremony a few years back, I experienced a dissociation with this fixed identity of self, and I was shown a closet full of different suits I could wear. In other words, the vision was revealing I could become or play the part of several different roles available but I, as well as everyone else, always get up in the morning and put on the same damn suit! That was six years ago. My shadow has presented this scenario a number of times; I am not dense so I do get it, but the teaching can get lost in the confusion of life. By this assertion I mean I do finally understand that if I want to be totally free, as in liberated, I have to let go of my identity and in essence kill myself to live. I’ve tasted the fruits of liberation and it’s bliss but I’m hesitant to go all the way because projecting into the future a world without my fixed identity looks like hardship and more suffering. No one said being free is glamorous and it’s undeniably true. I’ve mentioned this before, but I walked past a homeless man and the voice inside me whispered, “He’s free.” Yeah, he is. I’m not sure I’d make that trade though.

What I have come to realize after seeking answers is that you don’t have to identify with identity. Identity is a noun and nouns are dead things. This universe is a verb; it is constantly transforming and defined by motion. The Tao Te Ching teaches us of the watercourse way and to be in harmony with the Tao is to just let things flow. Applying this teaching to the problem of identity and liberation is stunning. In essence, identity is not intended to be fixed but left to transform with the watercourse. When a certain behaviour or predicament no longer serves you, just let it go and have it fall away. Transform like the butterfly. Looking at it from the long game we already do this to a degree. What identified me as a child no longer interests me. My collection of hockey and baseball cards has been gathering dust for about 25 years now! Day to day we can’t see that we do naturally evolve identity, just as we grow our hair, and if we could see it this act would give us permission to just let it go. For sure, it upsets those around you who depend on you being stable in order to add stability to their lives but like a noxious weed this behaviour chokes out your growth. Your evolving identity will eventually be used against you, and you will be labelled an old person and sent to an internment camp or should I say seniors' residence to wait your turn to die.

There’s a line in the movie Fight Club that reminds us, "It’s only after we have lost everything that we are free to do anything." This speaks towards becoming liberated and being told by my teacher to "kill yourself in order to live." Everything you lay claim to, as in attachments, will weigh you down and enslave you to a life dictated by culture. Therefore, you must give it all up and face the destruction of self and the subsequent pain and suffering in order to struggle and create something new. This obviously brings up another question in as men we seem to be locked into this endless struggle to create and destroy but are we not just spinning the hamster wheel? If I destroy the self not of my own making and become liberated, why would I want to create something new that will just devolve into another edifice of control and enslavement? Is what we always return to is the need for autonomy and freedom? If I don’t try to organize my life and to a greater degree society what is the natural flow of things?

Having an identity is playing it small. You become an actor in the play on the grand stage of life but in truth you are much more. To lose your identity is to be that much closer to a realization of who you really are. With plant medicines and psychedelic drugs, the experience sometimes takes you to a mind state called ego death where you find this unity and realize we are all one and this one has many roles to play. Granted ego death isn’t fun and the subsequent paranoia might put a damper upon this realization of bliss but if you do it multiple times, you’ll get used to it. The takeaway from this experience is you are it and knowing all is one means you are that one. You made it happen. This is the road the master teacher is pointing you towards which involves discarding identity to find freedom. To stick a knife in your identity is a major leap of faith. He’s telling me if I give up my ego self, I’ll reclaim knowledge of who I truly am and will in essence become once again the writer and director of the play. I entered my drama and fulfilled my part. I also created a hidden and shady character I now call the master teacher and put him off-limits to all and then spent a lifetime seeking him out. A mythical dragon of sorts. He is an oracle used to confirm my folly and grant me the light to see the doorway out of this story. It’s been quite the ride and a pretty good novel that is reaching its climax.

exit stage left

What happens when we die? This is a question we all ponder at some point and the unknown leads towards an understandable fear of death. Realizing I'll never 100% know what happens until my time comes, I've constructed the following scenario:

When I die, I will be immediately be tossed into the throes of uncontrollable laughter due to the realization of the great cosmic joke. The joke is I was in hell, didn't know it, and I didn't want to leave. I was content with my imprisonment. As the laughter fades, I will be struck with a deep compassion in my heart for all my sisters and brothers who are still in hell. I will see their suffering and want to do what I can to alleviate it. The ancestral spirits will come to me and tell me to let it be. The suffering is designed to lead us to our heart and the heart is the ticket out of hell. Later, I will be invited to a great celebration and the guest of honour will be me. Not only did I go to hell, wallow in misery, and suffer, I also transformed my being into my destiny of an eternal being of love and light. I went to hell to enact the transformation I was seeking. In the direst of circumstances, I learned to love and follow my heart.

I think my predicament is not exactly the same as yours. What I have learned over my 50+ years wandering the earth is that we have a reason we came here to the earth carnival. I intuit for some it is to fulfill desires of power and greed, some to satiate lusts, and so on. I sense I subconsciously knew when I was much younger, in my teens, why I was here. I wanted to figure out the riddle of existence. I was enthralled by the questions pertaining to why this all exists. I found apocalyptic literature very interesting. I was exposed to ancient Egypt in an enrichment class at school. I saw the treasures of Tutankhamun at the Art Gallery. I also recall being intrigued by tobacco, though I dared not try a cigarette due to my parents' influence. They also steered me away from any kind of drugs, telling me I would go crazy if I used them. For that guidance, I give them much thanks. Finally trying psychedelics drugs in my 40's, allowed me to properly integrate the experience. Taking these substances in my youth would not have turned out well.

So, I can look back upon my life and see the clues to my path, though I didn't know it at the time. At middle age, I was finally ready to explore the reason I was here. This is quite recent and so when I look back at the events that have unfolded, I have realized that as soon as I picked up my sword and started following the trail, the doors would open. The coincidences and synchronicities were astounding. At the time I didn't know I was the magician performing these acts; instead, I just marvelled at what was happening.

I started studying ancient Egypt. I was gifted a trip to Egypt.

I went in depth on a search for the Great Goddess. I took a course on her at university.

I learned the ways to contact her. Percussion, ecstatic dance, intoxication, and shamanism. This led me to Ayahuasca.

I found her and plunged headfirst into the occult world of spirit.

I found a maestro and my tribe.

I respected the path and found the path of the heart.

I led with my heart, let go of the judging mind, and saw with clarity the beauty of the world and the horrible suffering.

It's my karma, my path, what's yours?

Psychedelics such as Ayahuasca will make you a "man of knowledge" as Carlos Castañeda would say. It is important you understand what is meant by knowledge. Knowledge is observing through the senses what is, and psychedelics unlock an occult sense. You are witness to a strange inner world. You now know about this realm. Going by personal experience, you don't understand it. That comes with time and in my case from shedding layers of preconceptions that were inculcated by culture and a refusal to accept who I am. Once I dropped the spin, I understood.

Psychedelics will cause a lot of casualties if released upon the general population. Our educational system breeds obedience and the mind of the follower is weak. When one is given knowledge and an opportunity to throw off your chains, you'll want to retreat to the safety of your overlords. I know this is the case because it is what I experienced. Psychedelics scared me at first because I saw into a strange world I didn't understand, and then I was shown I'm in prison. I spun the information around thinking psychedelics were going to imprison my mind. Turns out they were freeing my mind and my ego's instinct was to turn me against the agent of consciousness that would free me. Ego was attached to culture and culture is the puppeteer. The master said psychedelics are bad. Of course they are because they will turn you against him.

The mind's inclination is to fear the unknown. Psychedelics show you the unknown and thus the trepidation. I also feel a twinge of unease before each trip. A bad trip early in the game will chase you away. I needed a long time to recover from such an experience. The pursuit of knowledge led me back and I conquered the fear. I'm not scared anymore and once I transformed into a warrior the game changed. I see into the mystery, and I see who I am. I saw the great game and I know why we aren't supposed to know until we are ready. Once ready, you see the path back home.

I don't have anything pressing left in this incarnation to discover. There's always more, but I intuit what I came here to do, I've done. I will live out my remaining years with the knowledge of having discovered my path and walking it to the end. My heart is open and as long as I'm alive I will continue to cultivate Her and allow the flower to bloom in a glorious coming forth.

When the Great Goddess first told me to come away with her, I told her no. I still had attachments and knowledge to seek out. The knowledge part is complete. I still have the attachments; however, I see the purpose set out before me. As long as I choose to remain in this world, I will honour my commitments and intentions to provide for my attachments. I will be the node in the flow who is the dependable rock which allows for a safety net. I will be the rock for those who I am directly attached to as they find their way in the world. I don't need the riches; I live a simple life. My gift is to provide. I sense that instead of fighting a continual battle with money, I should just let it go. It took me a while to figure out this puzzle because culture instills in you a need to accumulate and prepare for an unknown future. Then you spin on the hamster wheel trying to get ahead, and situations are thrown your way which prevent you from ever getting too far ahead of the game. So, you move your legs faster, trying to get there, but you never know where there is.

The goalposts always get moved and there is always another mountain to climb. It never ends, whether material or spiritual. I finally have the wisdom to say that's enough. I know I have all the spiritual knowledge I need, and I've walked the path back home. Materially, I have more than I need and can use the bounty to help others find their light on the path they are uniquely walking. To free yourself from an artificial necessity to accumulate is the way. I'm ready to leave, but I will honour my incarnation. Honouring my life means helping others and being of service. I can let go gradually of my attachments and in the process be of service.