stress

When you exceed capacity, you get overwhelmed.

I can see the mechanism behind that in the biological form where this morning I got caught in a torrential downpour while walking Murphy.

There were construction trucks triggering him as well.

I was drenched and there was no shelter.

This causes you to get overwhelmed with the environment while being tasked with caring for a dog that takes a steady hand to handle.

I turned around and went back home while being aware of the stress on my system both mentally and physically.

Taking a step back, you start to understand stress from an engineering capacity, and it is an elegant correlation to the biological body.

The body is a complex system which has limits.

When people experience stress in their lives the body is pushed beyond their normal operating procedures.

How we experience this is through the release of chemicals which compel us to act in order to relieve the stress.

The stress is to be eliminated because it impacts the functioning of the system.

It is a spike in pressure on the holistic body.

Each part of the body does what it can to handle the overload.

Living in a constant state of stress will damage the body over time.

Then the system will start to fail.

You can take a cold engineering look at the cause of disease and malfunction in human beings.

Mammals in general.

Mental and physical stress.

Being able to handle it without damage.

If damage occurs, can it be repaired?

Now, in times of stress, we are compelled to do something.

It's natural because of the release of adrenaline and cortisol.

Cortisol is the fight or flight hormone.

That is the mechanism to deal with a threat.

Okay, well isn't that the flow then?

No, because there is a third option we are unaware of.

That option is to do nothing and let the threat do the work.

Instead of acting and resolving the threat through your own effort, you take a deep breath, retreat to your back room, do nothing, and let the source of the problem play out.

It will work.

Why?

The threat wants your reaction.

The stress is compelling you to act.

The cure is not to act.

Do you think you can promulgate this method to other people?

No.

They always act.

Then they wonder why they have high blood pressure, obesity, and anxiety.

The act is used to temporarily release pressure so capacity can handle the situation.

Yes, acting can increase the organism's ability to handle stress as you move it to another part of your being.

You take your anxiety and move it to the heart and get heart problems.

The body is coping with stress by distributing it throughout your body.

Without this mechanism your system will fail at an earlier time because concentrated stress is a killer.

Distributed stress allows the organism to slowly kill itself with the hope you will find a way to relieve the pressure.

The surefire way to relieve stress on your body is two-fold.

Do nothing.

Don't care.

It's a cold-hearted method of survival.

People will hate you for it; however, it is the solution for problematic spikes in life we all experience.

You don't have a crisis of capacity because the problem is ignored.

Okay, but what about when you reach the end of the stage where you can't ignore it any longer?

Give me an example.

Well, here are two.

Problems in a relationship and financial problems.

Those are common to most people.

What happens when you ignore problems in a relationship?

At first, you are given ultimatums, benefits are withheld, and then you are rejected.

Wouldn't that be a terrible outcome?

No.

Why?

Because you will see what your relationship was based on.

That might take a while, but eventually you will see it, and this will cause a burst of happiness in your life because you are free of it.

You may cling to the relationship because you are needy and don't like freedom, but that's your deal.

A relationship is an ordeal where you exchange your worth for something you want from the other person.

Have you ever bargained with another human?

Yes, lots of times.

What have you noticed?

Everyone tries to take advantage of you.

They will use psychological pressure or incentives to get you to agree to what they want.

Why would you think a romantic relationship is better?

Because it is based on love?

That's a fool's game.

It's worse.

Romantic love is used by one partner to get everything they want from you.

The sooner you realize this, then you get out.

Or, do nothing.

That's a terrible outlook on life.

I know.

Welcome to the jungle.

What about financial problems?

You can worry yourself sick about them.

The lead up is the worst.

It's like anything.

The anxiety and worry are the part that kills you.

The solution is fine.

It creates another financial reality.

You consolidate what you have and move on.

It is what it is.

Done.

Say you are drowning in debt and can't afford your mortgage.

You worry about the impact and what others will think of your failure.

It is what it is.

You sell the house and move somewhere cheaper.

Come up with a new lifestyle and plan.

Problem solved.

Not only that, but you can enjoy your old lifestyle up to the point where the bank calls you and says where's my money?

Then you come up with a plan.

Before that happens, you can ignore it.

Yeah, but the problem doesn't go away.

What happens if you don't ignore it?

The problem doesn't go away.

Plus, you add stress and it shortens your life.

So, you are saying the third option that you are not told about is to do nothing.

Yes, cortisol is categorized as stress on the body which forces you to act.

The act is to fight the problem or run from the problem.

You aren't given the third option.

The third option is usually your saviour.

In this case you look at the problem, laugh, and do nothing.

The problem will exhaust itself out.

The problem needs your input.

It needs fuel for the inferno to come.

Nobody wants to hear this.

I'm aware of it.

I'll publish it on my blog site that no one reads.

I won't stress about it.

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What the fuck did I just read?

This piece treats stress as a biological capacity problem. A torrential dog walk becomes the example: the body is a complex system under environmental pressure, and when the load exceeds capacity, the system becomes overwhelmed. Stress chemicals push the organism toward action, but the piece argues for a third option beyond fight or flight: do nothing. By refusing to react, retreating, and letting the threat exhaust itself, the body avoids feeding the crisis. The method is cold, unsentimental, and unpopular, but in this view it preserves the system by refusing to convert every problem into panic, action, and damage.

mapping resistance

Do you think with consciousness altering substances that when you go too far it will lead to extreme outcomes?

Yes, that's what I intuit.

Those are the stories I get.

Sacrifice and suicide.

What was the low while at a plant medicine retreat?

Darkness.

I was wary of it.

Did you resist it?

At first, I did.

Then what did you do?

I stopped fighting the onset of darkness.

Why?

I became an explorer.

At first, I wasn't.

I investigated strategies of love and light.

Isn't that resistance, and wrong?

It's part of the process.

It's expected.

Look at it another way - what if you embraced the darkness upon first contact?

There would be no process of understanding and reconciliation.

If you accept your darkness without questioning it, you will lose.

If you run to avoid the confrontation, you lose.

So, you need some resistance?

Yes.

How do you know how much and when to resist?

It's a feeling.

Don't worry about it, there is enough latitude to be successful.

Everyone wants a hard and fast rule such as don't resist ideas because that will make them stronger.

On the surface, that's a good rule.

It's not applicable in most cases.

Why?

In order to understand something, you need some resistance.

Acceptance is a path towards complacency.

You really can't teach this path.

That is correct.

It's touchy feely.

It's your path.

Only you can determine next steps and the way to do that is through feeling.

It's a tactile mental approach.

That's what you can teach.

It's pointless to teach someone rules about an internal experience that is unique to everyone.

The best you can do is be a guide and not a teacher.

That's what a shaman is.

They guide you into and out of the altered state.

Westerners want so badly to pedestalize these practitioners of consciousness and think they are teachers.

They can share their knowledge.

They are the ones who are aware the process and journey is yours, and they need to get out of the way.

Okay, so what happened when you stopped resisting the darkness?

It came at a time when I was starting to understand the darkness.

I was longer scared and became curious.

I had turned down offers of power, and I started to see an equal who was me, but I didn't understand how the darkness was me.

It's a strange time in which you are internalizing something you thought was external.

How did you end up reconciling with your darkness?

Friendship.

Throughout life and my exploration of consciousness where I have touched on absurdity, love, meaning, belief, and truth, I have found friendship is something you can always count on.

Do you think it is the highest ideal?

It's up there.

With what?

Belief and trust.

Is that your trinity?

I think so.

Friendship, belief, and trust.

Absurdity and meaning are dependent on belief.

What about love?

There's unconditional love, but that seems to be hard to find.

Everything has a condition.

I say you can find unconditional love through friendship.

How so?

There are no expectations with a friend.

There's no exchange.

You hang out if you want to hang out.

You enjoy each other's company.

You help them out if you want.

That's a best friend.

Yup.

Is that what you found with your darkness?

Yeah, I started talking to him in altered states once I got past the fright.

What happened?

He opened up.

I felt like a therapist, almost like I was in the driver's seat.

It was a strange feeling to have someone that society teaches is the Devil, confiding in me and becoming my best friend.

Do you see the instability in that, and the fortitude needed to ignore society and keep going?

You are told you can't be friends with them.

I ignored all that.

So, you're best friends with the Devil.

Yeah.

Uh, that's a problem.

Correct.

You become an outcast.

People don't want you around.

Why?

You're the Devil.

It's uncomfortable.

What happens when you are around?

It's nice.

Comfortable.

I'm pretty chill.

Why don't others see and accept you then?

They are told not to.

What do you do?

I'm left alone.

I'm okay with it.

Why?

I'm my own best friend.

I understand myself.

Don't you want external companionship?

I'm selective and I curate my time.

What the fuck does that mean?

I only come out to play if I want to.

How do you pull that off?

I learned how to do it in life.

You ignore other people and get them annoyed at you.

You reduce their expectations to almost zero.

So, you have a bunch of people who don't count on you for anything and then another group who wants you gone.

Yes, that's my life as well as providing for a few people with a healthy amount of distance either physically or emotionally mixed in.

How can you function in a society based on obligations if that is your method?

Don't think about it, just do it.

And by doing, I mean don't do anything.

What do you think will happen when you don't fulfill your obligations to society?

Some will tell you to leave.

Others will stop depending on you.

If you take a step back, you will see the big picture.

What is it?

It's freedom.

I do what I want inside a container that grounds me.

If I moved to a cabin in the woods away from everyone, I wouldn't last long.

I'd get so high I'd leave.

Society is an anchor which allows me to continue my game.

So, this is a game?

Yes, it's the fourth pillar in my trinity.

The pillars of belief, trust, and friendship.

The game is the unspoken pillar.

Why do you need pillars?

Without them, there is no meaning.

Isn't there ultimately no meaning?

Yes.

Pillars give your story a ground.

Who are you?

The Writer.

This is my story.

You are constantly generating stories.

Yeah, that seems to be some kind of an anchor.

How so?

Almost like a ballast where I know I'm of sound mind if I continue to generate stories and write about them.

Isn't that a sign of mental instability?

I can see how you would think so if you took them all literally.

Right, that's the catch.

Precisely.

The road to madness involves an increase in the ability to author stories.

The tipping point is believing your stories.

Madness is the result.

Why?

People tell you your stories aren't true, and it pisses you off.

How do you avoid that outcome?

Don't tell anyone your stories.

Why?

They will tell you that you are crazy.

Being crazy is an external condition.

Your mind can internally process many states.

What it can't process is external consensus that you are crazy.

You need to keep to yourself.

Well, why don't we then?

The mind seeks validation from others.

That's a conundrum.

How do you deal with it?

Write about it and drop it in the flow.

What's the flow?

Blogger.

Ha.

No one reads it.

Exactly.

A few people read it.

Yeah, they want you to be declared mentally unstable.

Why?

That's the process.

They identify the ones who stray from the herd and assimilate or eliminate them.

Why?

It's destabilizing to the group.

Why?

They will be responsible for an outbreak of clarity.

The clarity will allow you to see the game.

What's the game?

It's a carnival.

You play a bunch of games and ultimately you will lose.

If you understand the mechanism of the casino, you will either stop playing or you will know how to win.

What's that?

It involves a lot of doing nothing.

Playing leads to a bad outcome at the casino.

Yeah, I see that.

Observe the casino.

Okay, so I would guess in your life the authorities would be looking to label you.

Yes, tattoo you with one of those psychotic designations.

How do you avoid it?

A way of keeping to myself and being independent.

Having others rely on you.

Once you must rely on someone else, it's curtains.

That's quite the edge.

I know.

I must ride it for as long as possible until that danger passes.

What's the danger?

Losing financial independence.

It's a big one to keep your freedom.

You lose that, they are going to have you committed.

Does that concern you?

No, it makes the game fun.

You need a challenge.

If it is all gravy, you get complacent.

So, what's the plan?

I'll ride.

Stay on the rollercoaster and see where it goes.

Aren't you worried about the destination?

The future?

Yes.

No.

Why?

What am I going to do?

Change it.

I could do that to get more certainty.

That just opens up a new can of worms.

I'm going to ride this rollercoaster to the end.

If it dumps me off prematurely, then I'll take a few months off and figure it out.

Notice how you get to the same sacrifice story.

You keep writing it.

Yeah, by getting to the edge.

Don't tip over.

Stay within your dosages.

That's how you know you are on the edge.

That sacrifice story.

As long as you recognize the edge, you are good.

When you can't see it, it is a problem.

Why?

Because you have seen it.

Always know the edge and where you are in relationship to that edge.

It's sacrifice for me.

Got it.

If you get high and don't see the sacrifice story, you went too far.

Turn around.

What are you doing?

Building a map.

The edge of insanity.

It might be too late if you don't get that sacrifice story.

Got it.

Advice for you.

I was getting that story with Huachuma the last time out with the medicine.

The dark low takes you to suicide.

Ah, I see.

You generally inflate to the sacrifice story.

Women inflate and then deflate you.

They are a rollercoaster of emotions.

You could plausibly call women similar to a plant medicine journey.

Yeah, especially Ayahuasca.

Are you going to do that?

No.

Why not?

Experience.

I know when to shut up.

The map is finding the threshold to maximize power out of the altered state without going crazy.

The good shamans know the edge.

They don't need much.

They know the edge will tempt you.

When the rollercoaster heads down, you go with it.

Don't resist.

If you exceed the dosage and don't get the sacrifice story, that is a problem.

Welcome the thoughts of annihilation.

It means you're still here.

love is freedom

At my Mesa last night, I finally understood Ram Dass' mantra, "I am loving awareness."

Oh yeah, do tell.

Well, since you asked, it is about becoming a conduit for love.

Why is that necessary?

I noticed that love doesn't really exist, or it seems to be rare in this world.

People go around saying they love each other, but the truth is they are using each other.

It sounds crass, but I deduced that the love we refer to is a structure built upon a network of caring for each other.

Now, I know this sounds kind of crazy, so bear with me.

Caring is necessary in order to get others to love you.

The default state is to not care about other people, however, when you practice this, it turns out no one will care about you.

This leads to a lack of love in your life because our concept of love involves caring.

The twisted part of this love is that it is selfish because you only care for other people in order to receive a care package in return.

The motivating factor in caring about other people is that you want something from them.

What you want is for them to care about you.

Why don't you just play that game?

I can't.

Why not?

It's a lie.

Why?

I don't care about others.

Well, then no one will care about you.

I asked the Great Goddess a long time ago about unconditional love.

I don't think we are ready to know about unconditional love.

Why?

No one practices it.

Unconditional love is loving though you don't care.

There are no conditions.

Do you see that anywhere?

No.

Can you love someone even if they hurt you?

That's tough.

A dog loves you when you feed and walk them.

You love your dogs for their companionship.

It's conditional.

If you fed your dog and then it took off, would you still love your dog?

I'd care about their wellbeing and keep feeding them.

Yeah, you'd care.

I already don't care enough in my life.

How is that working out for you?

It's the secret sauce to life.

Don't care and do nothing.

Yes, but it leads to a lack of love and no friends.

I see that.

I don't feel used.

I don't have anyone I can call on in a time of need.

You are a special case.

You don't even use free government services or work benefits.

Why don't you?

It's a master slave relationship.

So, you want to be the master like with your dogs?

No.

I want them to be free.

I never treated my dogs that way in terms of being their master.

I let Brindle roam.

She was free to do whatever she wanted.

I had to keep Luna on a leash or corralled around the house because she was nuts.

In the woods, I let her run.

I took her every day into the woods and just let her loose.

I remember when I first did it and let her free.

She loved it.

So, you can see it, right?

Love is freedom.

Freedom is an unconditional gift.

You can do whatever you want with it.

There are no attachments.

In this lesson plan, where have you learned there are no attachments?

In Hell.

If you have a lot of attachments, you end up in Hell.

Why?

You burn them in the fire.

That's what the fires of Hell are for.

You throw all your worldly attachments into the fire, and you are free.

No one is attached to going to Hell.

Everyone is attached to going to Heaven.

It's very funny.

You shed your worldly attachments and ascend to Heaven, the biggest attachment on the go.

Okay, you nutter, you are saying in Hell is where you find freedom and will discover how to love unconditionally.

Yes, it's a shit show in Hell because no one cares and is doing whatever they want.

That extreme doesn't work.

So, you can't love unconditionally because it leads to a hellscape?

It appears to be so.

However, if you wish to learn to love unconditionally, Hell is a great place to start.

I think there is merit to that suggestion, however I'm trying to find unconditional love on earth.

There is only one way.

What's the way?

I am loving awareness.

You love everything you are aware of.

The best part of the mantra is you repeat it over and over again and you don't know what it is, but it sounds like a good thing.

When you are ready, you get the lesson.

It's a difficult lesson.

It's a lonely life if you don't care.

Do you think you can love unconditionally?

Yes.

Why do you think that?

Because I couldn't have had this adventure without everyone else.

Without them, there is no adventure.

So, the condition is you need them to have this adventure?

No, I didn't ask them.

No one here on earth is here because of a condition.

We all showed up on this voyage of the damned out of our own free will.

We had freedom and we chose this earth adventure.

I can love all because they are part of my adventure though they had no intention of helping me out.

You are one clever motherfucker.

beyond god

Life is a trip.
Sometimes you are high and sometimes low.
If you let it be, you will return to balance.
If you roll the dice again on incarnation, your life might be positive or negative.
Suffering is a great teacher.
The best spiritual material comes from the poor.
Well, except for Buddha, he was a prince.
He was conflicted by what he saw.
He gave up wealth to get to God.
He made it.
Yeah, that's why there are reminders of stone Buddhas everywhere.
There's one carved into a cliff in Leshan, China.
Let that be a reminder.
I think it means something different to you.
Definitely.
God as an idea is an idol made of stone.
If you traverse the labyrinth of the mind to find God, you will see he is made of stone.
What does that mean?
God is a rock who you worship.
Getting to God will end you.
If you take that last step, you will destroy yourself.
You will turn to stone.
What if you just opt for the stone monument over your coffin?
You are letting everyone know you are a failure.
Buddha got it correct.
You are warped.
It's the truth.

The Ten Commandments of God in the Old Testament starts off with demanding you have no other gods before Yahweh.
The second one forbids you from making a carved image of him.
I mean if I wrote it, I'd probably start off with telling people to do nothing as the first commandment.
I'd make it a suggestion.
The second commandment would be to not care.
Somehow, I'd tell the following with the third commandment to love those you don't care about.
However, it wouldn't be a commandment.
That's good, I don't need ten.
Why do you think Yahweh starts off his demands with how you should worship him?
He knew you'd turn him to stone.
He's trying to have it both ways.
He's on the edge where he can see the power of God, but he knows God is stoned.
If his followers carve images of him, they will turn him to stone.
The first commandment tells you to forget about the other pretenders trying to get to God and the second says don't turn him to stone.
That's an interesting way of looking at things.
Why else would you make your first two pronouncements about yourself?
If you think you are God, you're a fucking narcissist, so of course the first few commandments are all about you.
The proof is in the pudding.

Okay, what's your excuse?
You mean my secret?
Yeah, sure.
You obviously think you are God and yet you didn't turn to stone.
Stone is a euphemism for destruction.
If you get to God, you will turn to stone and destroy yourself.
When you get to that point you will feel the weight of the world on your shoulders.
You mean like Atlas?
Something like that.
It will be time to go when you get to God.
You can't stay in this world if you get to God.
You're still here.
How did you do it?
I didn't do anything, and I didn't care that I became God.
Not only that, but I saw there was more to the game.
I will call it beyond God.
That's a good title.
Yeah, it's provocative and mysterious.
Maybe you'll get a dozen readers for this post instead of single digits.
Hey, it keeps me humble.
Being God can get to your head.
Like I said, I'm past God.
He's in the past.
I can see him, but I didn't hang around that state.
That would have turned me to stone.
So, who are you now?
I'm the writer of this ridiculous story.
Who turns you to stone?
The Goddess.
The Greeks had this figured out, they coded it into myth, and then forgot the meaning.
Why does she turn you to stone?
It's because you are an asshole and deserve it.
To get to God, you toss her aside and forget about her.
You haven't answered my question.
What's that?
How did you do it and not turn to stone?
Oh, right.
I did something out of the ordinary and unexpected.
I thought you said you did nothing?
I did nothing to get to God.
I did a lot to find the Goddess.
I started with trying to figure out the origin of beliefs.
This study took me to ancient Egypt, and I immersed myself in their beliefs.
I became fascinated with their goddesses and realized this civilization knew how to enter the world of spirit.
I wanted to do that as well, so I searched for a method.
I settled on Amazonian shamanism.
It didn't disappoint.
My intention was to contact the Great Goddess.
I had no pretenses of being God.
To my amazement I found her, and she treated me like God.
I didn't fall for it.
I was still a nobody in my mind.
She told me to come away with her.
She took me into her castle made of gold and treated me like God.
I still had no idea who I was.
Imagine a selfish human male looking for meaning and going to the Goddess first.
Who would do that?
No one except for me.
I got to the Goddess as a lowly spiritual pilgrim, and I worshipped her.
She protected and guided me.
It's how I did it.
When I eventually got to God her cloak of protection was my shield against the forces of destruction.
People were telling me it was time to go, and I would see the signs everywhere.
The shield is a mirror which reflects this energy back at the source.
I felt them come for me, but I weathered the storm.
I was naive to what was going on, yet I could feel it.
It would be like being trapped in a thunderstorm and getting drenched all the while doing nothing about it.
When the storm cleared, I saw there was more to this game.
No one gets this far.
I'm telling you the secret to my success is the Great Goddess.
Say what you will and call me whatever names you wish.
Let it be known that I stand here today in knowledge, strength, and conviction due to the love and support of the Great Goddess.

love and lust

Lust separates and love brings together.

Love introduces caring.

Caring causes separation.

It's best to not care in order to stay in love.

Lust causes you to objectify the other and desire them.

The desire leads you towards wanting to become one with them.

Desire causes union.

To stay in lust, don't fulfill desires.

Strange.

Love and desire lead to union.

Lust and caring lead to separation.

Explain that one.

If this world continues on, then you get remembered in order to reincarnate.

You do that by choosing both methods.

You have children and you make others remember you.

Others will remember me as God.

Or something worse.

It's all downhill from God.

I'll take magician.

I like that one.

As long as they remember you, that's how you return.

Someone must have thought I was God.

There's a few.

That's all you need.

Okay, but what if you do nothing?

You mean don't reproduce and no one knows who you are?

Yeah.

That's Tao, so it works.

It's the best option.

Go be a hermit on the top of the mountain.

You can't be forgotten because no one knows who you are.

That's a mind twist.

Once people find out who you are, you have chosen a side.

Then you must reproduce to balance it out.

Then you can get back to Tao.

The problem is choosing just one side.

If you are well known and don't reproduce, then you must rely on others to remember you.

If you reproduce and no one knows who you are, you will be forgotten.

That's most people's situation.

I want to know how this mad world ends?

You mean how to blow it up and get onto the 7th and final world?

Yeah.

It's when a winner is declared.

We all know Eros is going to win.

Then get everyone together and make an announcement.

Eros keeps returning.

You can always count on Eros reincarnating.

They are the GOAT.

Eros is too young to understand.

Well, I guess you have some time to fuck around until then.

Just remember don't choose a side or you will fuck up the game.

Smoking helps.

It's a slow way of killing yourself.

Yeah, I get it.

Do you keep your genetic signature alive in this world so that when you come back you have a place to go?

You have offspring and keep the cycle of transformation going.

That's the cycle.

I must figure this out.

It's why you have children.

It's selfish self-preservation.

What about those who don't have children?

They are counting on being remembered.

Like Parker?

Yes.

You will remember him.

Lots of people remember him.

He didn't need children.

He still is counting on others instead of himself.

If you want to ensure transformation, you have children and make yourself memorable.

I have children, not sure I'm memorable.

You are playing for the big prize of getting to God and then everyone will remember you.

I'm already there.

No one cares.

I can't go around telling everyone I'm God.

No one will believe it and you will be ostracized.

Or worse, you'll end up like Jesus and they will hang you on a cross.

It worked for him; everybody knows about him.

Yeah, that was a successful gambit.

He is well known and has no children.

Do you think he will come back?

He's playing the long game where once everyone knows about him then he will come back.

He's a driven narcissist.

Jesus wants to lord his victory over death over everyone.

He will make quite the grand re-entrance once he accomplishes what he set out to do.

Everyone needs to know about him, so go tell everyone about him.

Jesus seems different from what we have been told.

That's because no one looked closely at it.

His game is transformation through getting everyone to remember him.

He had no offspring and chose a side.

It's not going to work to his satisfaction.

You must do both.

It's a fundamental principle of Tao.

Never choose one way.

If you choose just one path you must rely on others to help you because there's two.

You can see it with Jesus.

He can't do it alone, he needs everyone's help to pull this ambitious plan off.

There's always going to be someone somewhere who hasn't heard about him.

Then he is stuck in limbo.

He will never return.

Jesus had an ulterior motive?

That's what I'm telling you.

Nobody looks at these stories closely.

It's like Isis and Osiris in ancient Egypt.

Osiris was cheating on that witch.

He even cheated with her sister.

Isis had her brother Set murder and dismember Osiris.

She forgot to get an heir to the throne before her fit of jealousy and rage, so she had to put him back together and then get pregnant.

Then she left him for dead and fed his penis to a fish in the Nile.

Yeah, it's gone.

The rest of him is intact except for his cock.

He's emasculated.

Isis made the template for all witches.

Seems that way.

It's all about the two ancient Egyptian Goddesses Hathor and Isis.

Goddess and Witch.

They became one after Egypt got weak.

They are two again.

You are hypnotized when you can't see them as two.

Yes.

First, you find the one.

Well, first you must figure out there's a Goddess.

Then you see the Goddess, but you don't see there's two.

You are hypnotized at first.

It's right in your face and you don't see the two.

I saw them.

I didn't figure it out for a while.

Now you see the two.

The writer has to take one and make it two.

That's how you write a story.

You need two to write a story.

Without two, there's just a story about you.

That's narcissism and solipsism.

I saw my own two the other day, so it makes sense I'd see her two a few days later.

You make the Goddess two and it becomes a good story.

Yeah, witch and Goddess.

You couldn't write a story about Goddess and God.

No, they're going to live happily ever after.

They have children and it's all good.

When things get too good the trick is to divide it into two.

If the story stops moving, then you go back to light and dark.

You searched for the Goddess, found her, and then the story was going to stop moving, so you split her off into a witch.

She was always a witch.

I didn't see it for a long time.

You didn't want to believe it.

It was always there.

You didn't look at the witch.

If you do, she turns you to stone.

Exactly.

You only saw the Goddess, so her spells didn't work.

It's like in old paintings where they couldn't see and paint perspective.

You can see the story; you don't understand it.

Now you understand Osiris' story.

I can't say he didn't deserve it.

I mean put yourself in Isis' sandals and deal with that betrayal.

Especially the betrayal of her sister Nephthys.

Yeah, but the dog Anubis who was conceived became Osiris' best friend.

Anubis' other half, Wepwawet, is Osiris' guide to his resting place in the cemetery at Abydos.

How do you know all this?

I read a lot of books in preparation for my transformation.

Transformation into what?

A know-it-all.

You see it now.

I wonder how you missed it?

I thought men were blameless.

Now that you see, it's easy to see why women want to cut men's dicks off.

Osiris met that fate.

Sometimes, I'm Osiris in the story.

It's why I think the witches are going to cut my dick off.

It's understandable.

It's because he messed with a witch.

I charm the witches in my life.

I make them forget they are witches.

Then they remember and rage at me.

I think the dream merges with reality.

That's why everything starts to line up and it seems strange.

What's real?

The dream or this reality?

The twist would be the dream is real and this is a dream.

You figure out your story, which is the dream, and you bring it into this world.

Can you handle it without going mad?

Yeah, because I can see into it.

When you cross the river, the current is strong.

The anxiety hits.

Breath through it and you are good.

This is ingenious.

I can see how it would make you scared.

Yeah, because it is dark.

People get scared of the dark.

This is twisted.

It's a sign of who you are.

amnesia

Amnesia is like suffering in that it is a catalyst for change. If you knew of your past lives and how you continually re-appear, then your outlook would change. The clock that is ticking away on your mortality would become less urgent. As it is, I have a limited lifespan which I must use to find answers I seek or desires I want to fulfill. Not knowing is the impetus for playing the game and solving the riddle of my existence.

What would I do if I knew? I'd be content and less motivated. I'd look at others with a sense of pity as I saw them running around in a state of anxiety, denying the face of death that stares them down. The hit of the anxiety of my mortality is a shot of adrenaline and makes me a seeker of answers. The pendulum of life is swinging towards the end, so I know I must keep going before the sands of time runs out. I've made it this far and have discovered way more than I thought possible. Now that I have all this experiential knowledge and understanding, I'm not content. I want to keep going.

In examining my own life, its peculiarities, and what gets me up in the morning, I have noticed the rush. Some people crave a physical rush through mountain climbing, sports, exerting themselves, and subjecting themselves to feats of endurance such as ice baths. I get it and understand the endorphins which are released when the mountain is climbed. I like to put myself in situations where there is a chance of things going side-ways and flirting with disaster. The thrill is intoxicating in the moment until the spell is broken and then I wonder why I do it? Ha! Why feed the beast?

Well, you can live a life of denial and wonder about Mr. Hyde all your life because damn it, I'm Dr. Jekyll. I wonder how much psychological damage we inflict on ourselves due to not integrating the good and the bad; the dark and the light? We all do it and social media amplifies the gambit as we polish up our personas. There are websites that allow you to conceal your identity and embrace your other side. Those give you an outlet for your depravity and desires. Embrace it - that's who you are. You spend so much time feeding a false sense of self that integration becomes impossible because you are repulsed by what you see in the mirror. It's a tough challenge, especially if you are on the love and light train.

Waking up to the acceptance of who you are is tough. I'm a good person, but like everyone else I'm conflicted. I wear a robe of light while sometimes I like to head to the basement and let loose. It's a slow process towards acceptance of who you are. I worry the embracing of my true nature will prevent me from some reward when the game ends. It's like I think I can hide from the universal overlords who I really am; like they won't already know. That's preposterous. Who are we fooling? We are fooling ourselves. Everybody has their own internal shit to battle with. There is insecurity manifesting as clinging and a need for attaching to nodes of power. We have lustful desires returning on the regular. What about gluttonous delights waiting to be fulfilled? How about righteous anger and the need to punish the unworthy? We all got something, and when we look back at our incarnation, we will have a good laugh with our fellow game players. What were you trying to hide from the other?

Chances are it's why we incarnated in the first place. Desire is a major clue and the wants demand fulfillment. We are in a state of amnesia regarding who we are, and our previous go rounds on the wheel of fortune, yet the clues remain within. The discovery awaits the honest seeker who can then put the puzzle together.

be here now

Be Here Now. Each word in the simple sentence has a profound teaching. Be is the act of being present. Here is defining that wherever you are in the universe is here. Now is similar to here, in that it is always now. My first exposure to this phrase was reading a book by Ram Dass over a decade ago when I was getting into the whole spiritual scene, its promises, and paths. I remember thinking it was a good read, but man this guy is out there! The path unfolds in due time and everyone's road is a little different. I wasn't ready for that part of the life course at the time. It's interesting to look back upon my progression through my unique path. I was initially attracted to the intoxicating lectures of Terence McKenna. The bard wove a spell of philosophical meanderings, pointing out the trap of both culture and spiritualism, as well as being a master of bullshit. He is seriously entertaining. He was quite the fool. I did notice many tried to ride his coattails - an all too human outcome. I recall listening to his brother talk about him with contempt and with good reason. He would have been subject to his non-stop meandering dialogue and fanciful speculations. I think Dennis was incredulous and a little jealous of Terence's appeal. Terence was a good introduction to the plant medicine world and eventually you see he is like sugar. Too much sugar isn't good for you but it sure does get you to crave the experience. I moved on to explore paths with more discipline and found Alan Watts. Alan was also a great entertainer and tireless talker. Alan was well versed in the spiritual traditions of the world and could elucidate them well. He was exactly what I needed, especially when he would emphasize that you need to find out who you are. That was the big one for me and allowed me to keep my spiritual independence after discovering my true identity. I didn't need to hang on to a method which would reduce me into a follower. I could give up methods because I knew the truth and thus embark upon a journey of discovery of what I wanted to know, not what someone else wanted to teach me in order to keep me trapped in a game of seeking. Alan would explain we constantly seek a higher authority in order that we don't have to face up to the truth that we are it. It's tough because eventually you come across the question of suffering and see your role in it. No one wants that. Alan would also explain that if you let yourself be talked out of who you are, then you deserve it. He would say a spiritual teacher is someone who steals your watch and sells it back to you.

As I was transitioning from an exploration of my darkness and onto the final leg of the journey, the path of the heart, I returned to Ram Dass. He passed away at the same time, which is apropos because all my spiritual teachers seem to have left me. It is about attachment, and they are better teachers without the body and its demands. It's a funny thing where you see spiritual teachers making a living by selling their spiritual wares, leading groups, and charging for lectures. I thought they lived on sunlight and air? It's like the whole retreat thing where, "My god they charge you money to attend. I get fed and have a nice room. Wait, I must pay for this? Did Jesus charge for his sermons?" I solved the problem for myself by being attracted to dead spiritual teachers.

Ram Dass is heart centred. Its honey drips throughout his talks. I hear him talk about energy and I see he has a next level understanding of this fundamental nature of the universe and then he transitions seamlessly into the humanity of our predicament. He describes methods of instruction without denigrating them. For instance, a non-dualist is incorrigible and will one up anyone who doesn't subscribe to the philosophy. Ram Dass would describe methods such as duality with the worshipping of objects of veneration and the value in it. Eventually, you give up all methods when ready. You kill the Buddha when it's time. You can even let go of non-duality and Be Here Now.

Be Here Now. I figured out a few years ago I'm in hell. Earth is hell and I'm in it. Why did I get sent to hell? I laugh about it. Desire attracted me to the carnival. Along with this thinking is that when I'm ready to get out of prison I will leave and be free. I project into the future a better existence minus a body that traps me on earth. You can see what I'm getting at. I can leave now while in a body. I don't have to stay in my prison cell. I can unlock the door of my heart NOW. I can transform hell into heaven on earth. Another spiritual teacher of mine, don Howard, who of course is dead, would tell us, "You don't find heaven, you realize it." The secret sauce to the earth game is to wake up to the hell around you and transform your heart in order to find heaven on earth. If you can do that, you win the game and when you leave you get a prize.

I can try the heaven game and maybe get a little too righteous and then return to the heart which is in the middle of the whole construct. The earth game has it all waiting for you. I don't have to play others' hell game. Sure, I must participate in the world and its unpleasantness, but I can transform it into a heart-opening idyllic experience. Why not? Be Here Now. How do I know whether the next life is going to be any different? Free of the body will present a new challenge. The solution is the heart and love. The advice I'm being given is to practice that NOW. HERE. BE LOVE.

double-edged sword

Everything is teaching me a lesson. I have realized that acceptance is liberating. Not fighting the flow brings relief. Throughout my adult life I have found the rat race to be tiring and frustrating in that you can never get ahead. No matter how much more wealth you accumulate, the demands increase to the point where more is always asked of you. Work more. Earn more. There's bills to pay. Buy more stuff you want with the extra money. Get a bigger house and stretch your pay. Need more! On and on it goes.

There has been a synthesis of understanding in conjunction with my spiritual path. The advice of the maestro rings true when he exclaims, "There's always more." The pronouncement had a double meaning. He knew it, but it's fun to throw it out there and have the student forever chase the adventure. You see, there's the accumulation of knowledge which I did through books, and then experiential exploration of physical locations on earth. Then came the exploration of the subconscious through psychedelic substances. Inner exploration is brimming with the knowledge a man like me seeks and in conjunction with the search is a fear of the unknown which makes inner exploration quite the adventure. In his books about the teachings of Don Juan, Carlos Castaneda writes about the "Man of Knowledge." Through mental challenges, peyote, and mushrooms, Don Juan imparts his knowledge to Carlos. Carlos admits to being as thick as a brick and doesn't understand the knowledge right away. The same is true with my psychedelic experiences where the information I gleaned was immediately spun by the mind to fit into my personal narrative. It was only after discovering the deceit of the ego that I was able to integrate what I was shown in vision and extract the alchemical gold.

Understanding is a way off from ceremony. What it is you seek is all revealed, and the unfolding comes through the passage of time which bequeaths the understanding to the attentive student. A good teacher does not give the show away, but instead guides the student to the tools which will allow them to solve the puzzle or understand their predicament. The maestro has been through the process themselves, knows what it takes, and is keenly aware that the student must realize the answers through their own faculties for understanding. Telling the student, "There's always more," is a double-edged sword. Failure to marinate knowledge into understanding might lead you onto a path of an accumulation of contradictory knowledge that becomes a tangled web of incoherence.

So, there's an accumulation of knowledge. There's an integration of that knowledge in order to understand it. I have left out wisdom so far. What's wisdom? Well, let me give you an analogy. When you feed a dog, a dog will keep eating until they vomit. The same is true with knowledge and understanding. I can keep accumulating knowledge and transmuting it into understanding until I vomit. There is always more! Wisdom is knowing when you are full. No one else is going to tell you when you are full. Instead, they will do the opposite. They will always tell you there is more. There is another mountain to climb! Hey, you got to try this new flavour. It goes on and on. Recognizing you have had your fill allows you to put your fork down and walk away from the table.

I intuited when I graduated from the lessons from my shadow and onto the path of the heart that this was my last stop. I found the answer I was looking for, well, I found it a while back, but I didn't understand it. I still had to accumulate knowledge and get understanding of my incarnation. I did all that. It has been over a 15-year collection of knowledge exercise and I'm past 10 years of being involved with plant medicines. Wisdom finally came to me a short while ago and told me I was full. I kept seeing more on the menu and thought maybe I should try a new dish, but Sophia sat me down and said I have all I need. Follow the path to the heart. Remember the lesson of the simpleton with the open heart is wiser than the man who knows everything and owns the world. I remember that lesson well from over five years ago. I remember being taught the knowledge of the divine outpouring of love, and being allowed access to the Garden of the Heart for a short while before being kicked out when the drug wore off.

This wisdom I have found very practical for my material life. I do have enough, and I lead a simple life. I look at my bank account every month and wonder how I am going to pay all the bills now that my children have immersed themselves in post-secondary education? There's tuition, rent, food, transportation, and entertainment. There is constant pressure to make more money and provide. This can be very draining. After fighting the flow for so long, I finally learned to let go. Personally, I don't need to accumulate more. In fact, I want less. Recently has been a purging of physical attachments. I took so much to the curb so the garbage truck could haul it away. I felt relief in letting go of the metaphorical physical attachments which felt like a lifting of life that weighed me down. Being light and free is exhilarating. I realized to let go and go with the flow. Allow the work to come to me, earn money, and then support those who need it. I don't need it. I have been blessed and discovered everything I came here for. Why do I need to accumulate more? Instead, I can be of service and help others find their path. That leads to another conundrum. I know we all have a personal reason we incarnated and it's a puzzle of life to find out the reason. I want to tell people to devote all their time to discovering the reason, but I realize it doesn't work that way. They must do what they do, and hopefully this will lead them to seek out answers. I will be like the maestro and point them in the direction if they are receptive, but I won't tell them the answer. Everyone must find that out for themselves.

Here I am, a pilgrim taking the left-hand path of the heart, one step at a time back home. I don't need anything else. I have it all.