mentally ill

Dionysos, Saturnalia, Bacchanalia, and festivals of excess. These celebrations of the past were recognition by civilizations that the condition of the human will lead to a tendency towards madness. We are mentally ill as a normality and the failure to recognize the condition leads to outbursts which affect all, as opposed to ritually uncorking the intoxication of madness. Hello, Mardi Gras.

We are all mentally ill and society is making us sick. By keeping us in fear, as a species we are more easily controlled. The gatekeepers of the earth carnival know the methods of control. Of course they do. By remaining oblivious to the means of suppression by your human masters, you unwillingly remain imprisoned.

If you don't become a cynic in your formative years, your mind, who has mastered you, will make you suffer because you are not successful yet in the culture game. You will strive to seek the acceptance of others and in turn the inner critic within will reward you with a dopamine hit. You made it! But you still aren't good enough. Keep striving to achieve and successfully pursue all your goals in life.

With clarity, it becomes easy to see the motivating behaviour of the inner critic with others. They are down on self because they haven't made it. They transferred the disappointment of the superego from their parents to the inner critic. They are a great specimen for psychological study. They suffer and are depressed which motivates them to change or sink further into the morass. The ones who transform their lives are still caught up in the need to prove the superego is wrong about them. They become laser-like focused on goals and are impressive in their accomplishments. However, it is never enough, and any slip up is sure to invite the wrath of the puppeteer telling them they are no good and a failure.

I can see this, and I'd laugh at the absurdity, except the suffering for the other is real. How do I help? I must think that you are there in spirit as an example, but you must let them finish the suffering they inflict upon themselves. Eventually, there is hope they will see it. Nobody really cares about your inner trials and tribulations. If you are not accepted by the other, find others. It is a big fishbowl.

It's a worthwhile endeavour to embark upon a path that will lead to the severing of the hold culture and authority figures have over you. The other creates ways for you to suffer. The inner critic will make you suffer. Duality makes you suffer. I like to point out that we are objectification machines. When I get up in the morning, the first thing I do is put on my duality glasses. This brings the world to life and each day becomes an adventure. Separation causes many challenges, and this creates the game of life. Survival, challenge, acceptance, success/failure and on and on it goes. Boredom ensues if you get trapped in the repetitive nature of the game, as fulfilling needs, and becoming complacent is the perceived good life. The ensuing boredom gives you the impetus to create your own new adventure. Because of this endemic human behaviour, I like to say we are suffering machines as well. Suffering will lead to transformation or your demise, and planet earth is the ultimate school for those souls who wish to transform.

It is through the divine masculine that the transformation will take place. He's the ultimate teacher and will kill you if he must. That's the agreement you sign when you decide to take up space in his classroom. For a man, that relentless inner critic is him. He's fulfilling his role impeccably, just like you asked. All suffering is grace because transformation is designed to eventually lead you to the heart. The heart is the last stop on the human express once you have exhausted all the ports of call which purport to give you the answers for what you are searching.

Do I want to eliminate the suffering? No. Suffering is the teacher which will bring you to the heart. Do I want to relieve suffering? Yes. I can show you the way out. The open invitation is the path of the heart.

Death is a relentless stalker and if you don't find the path of the heart then the itinerary on the map will end at death. The warrior who has mastered life will progress through fear, clarity, and power and will remain helpless as death approaches. The master will not fear death and will welcome graduation. Earth is a tough course for the eternal student and the successful aspirant will be given a celebration worthy of a king upon completion of the syllabus.

This is all to say madness lurks within all civilizations. The denial of suffering and the prevention of an inner transformation will cause mental illness. To continue with the human civilization project, outlets for madness or destruction will come knocking on your door. All civilizations rise and fall. The decay inherent in 2024 western society is easy to see. The abyss waits for its next prey. We can acknowledge it, transform, or throw ourselves on the pyre.

stories

I am locked in a life puzzle where I'm trying to figure out the reason why something happened. Given enough time I can run through the gamut of possibilities and this exhaustive search also contains the part where I let go of my bias and see the situation free of my own denials. I then can whittle down the possibilities to say four reasons why the situation unfolded in the manner it did. After this process I use my inner computing power to select a reason. I'm aware there're other influences on that reason which may include the other candidates, but this satisfies my inquiry.

I practice a form of meditation called mindfulness where I just clear my mind and let the thoughts come to me. I try not to spin them but just observe. This process is valuable because the answers with the strongest vibration are what makes it through the noise. When I did this with the life puzzle at hand, the vibrations that made it through presented the different scenarios as the answer. We are conditioned to only accept one answer and discard the rest. This creates our reality.

Where this got fun is I chucked my preconceived notions of reality. The use of psychedelic drugs has expanded my consciousness and within this awareness is a grasping of different planes of reality. These different frequencies of manifestation all deal with the same energy with the caveat being the energy is perceived in a different form on each level. So, if at one level Goddess and God are separated, in our level this means creation flourishes. If at one level God remains asleep, then at this level our universe continues as it is but a dream. When he wakes up then we will be witness to the destruction of our world. If God wakes up slowly, we will observe little pockets of the calamity to come until he gets out of bed and the world blows up. I don't know how many levels there are. I've read about seven but one thing I have learned on my fantastic voyage is to verify everything through experiential means. In other words, don't take anyone's word for it. If I experience it, then I will try to bring that back into my world using words to try and understand it. I have been witness to a level where all is one. Undifferentiated and within is contained all possibilities. A level below that is Goddess and God. The first pair. I see them as serpent and jaguar. From these two is created a child who is Eros. Desire then makes our world come alive. A frequency below my world is a realm of mystery and magic. So, that's five I count.

That's a way I make sense of what I have experienced and have no expectations anyone will accept or care about what I have come to understand. It should be that way because you need to experience this yourself. Where things got interesting for me lately is in the way of perspective. So, I can be witness to multiple planes of reality, but I also started to realize that within my normal frequency of perception there are multiple ways to interpret the presentation of events. If I change my perspective viewpoint, I can see the answer differently. This means that all the possibilities I considered are true depending on how I approach the situation. I saw multidimensional reality within a container that also is multidimensional. The only way to gain temporary understanding is to compartmentalize because the possibilities are endless if you don't. If you aren't selective, you will just drive yourself crazy. There is a need to settle on an interpretation and then focus on an answer based on that reality.

I recently started to figure this out. I knew I had to heal the hurt in parallel dimensions and then it would make sense. At the time it didn't make sense. The viewpoint I had made created a lack of understanding. The fissure is multidimensional. I needed to alter my vibration and be open to the knowledge that pours in. Why is this happening? What is the reason as revealed in a higher dimension?

I used to laugh at the airhead new agers when they would talk about frequencies and dimensions. It's different since my last trip to Peru. The flighty were witness to it but couldn't articulate the experience without sounding like they were nuts and full of woo. I should be able to explain it. I think this explanation will encompass why things are happening here at this level.

I now know how to change my vibration and enter different dimensions of energy, creating multiple dramas. I have made that my intention when working with plants and the experience was surprising in that I was going to be patient. They say patience is a virtue and thus I'm the most virtuous person in the world. I can have the patience of a saint though I freely admit I have put myself in situations where that patience is a silent killer. I want a resolution now and to get on with things! I internalize this and wait, sometimes dying a slow death. So, in this case I wasn't expecting the answer right away but as with a lot of my seeking I already had the knowledge and the answer. It was just a matter of remembering and applying the answer to my question.

When I first drank Ayahuasca I realized it was through changing vibration that I accessed obfuscated forms of consciousness. The Great Goddess even told me so. After frightening myself, I eventually returned to the Great Goddess, and she let me into her castle made of gold. She was locked away in this fortress; a prisoner of her husband the dragon. I wondered why she would marry such a monster? She sent me away to slay the dragon and I dutifully obeyed. My quest revealed to me that I was the dragon. It's really a multidimensional story when you have a hard think about it. I did the work, opened my heart, and freed the Goddess.

Adapting to a way of thinking multidimensional is cool because I can accept all answers to the life problem I faced. They are all valid and I was satisfied with that knowledge because I saw in each solution kernels of truth and now, I don't have to toss out any of these theories. Within the tight frequency I operate in, there are multiple stories emanating from them. I'm free to pick which story I want to craft my reality. I must admit at this stage of my level of consciousness exploration the supernatural one is a good drama. This gives my life adventure and thrills. Within this life event I saw this drama play out, but I kept it on the periphery because it isn't accepted in our world. It's a flight of fancy. The thing is I saw it go down in real time. I wrote about it and I knew it was true. When my life story spiraled out into a crash, I let that story go and clung to a more mainstream idea of why I experienced the failure I did. I'd like to revisit that and re-write the chapter. I'm going to draft a magic story. This should be fun. Here it is.

A crack in reality opens the door. Once I get a glimpse or a small look into the nature of something it becomes a matter of time before the dam breaks. You see this with the collective human intellect throughout history. Once we get a small understanding of something, eventually it will blossom into revealing the inner workings of the universe. In my personal exploration of the subconscious, a small bit of understanding will reveal itself fully in the days to come.

The epiphanies come out of the blue and lately I've requested them. I wanted more knowledge, so I asked. How about this one: Life experiences are clues to the game. The major happenings in your life have the most potential to awaken you though not always. Sometimes I've gone about this in the wrong order. I've understood spiritual concepts and then it unfolded within my life. I saw the separation of Goddess and God on a higher plane of consciousness and realized this separation was the impetus behind creation. The divorce created duality and the fruit from their union was a child who is the universe. In my little life on earth, I searched for the Goddess and found her. I couldn't hang onto her and she left me again. The clues all align. The coming child calms the dragon, so he won't destroy the world.

My experience in this lifetime reveals I've done a similar journey. The goal of my spiritquest was to find her and then see if you are ready to solve the puzzle and beat the game. I can now get to the point in the game where I know how to find her, get in her presence, and have a relationship with her. I haven't figured out how to beat the game. She always leaves. I got really close this time. I think I know the answer. It's because the goal of the game is to make her mine and that's what drives her away. The goal of the game is different than what I think it is. My block is to do with possession as opposed to an equal partnership.

It's a startling video game analogy I'm dealing with. Do I use my available health to continue and try to get past this level that keeps tripping me up? I drove her away. I don't know if it is even possible or if I have made the game impossible now. If it is impossible then I'm going to destroy the world. I'll hit reset on the gaming console. I'll blow it up next year and start the game again. I'll have to get to the point where I find her again and somehow not screw that one up. I'm surprisingly good at the game now, so I can find her around pyramids but then I must try something different. I've put so much time into this life I must exhaust the possibilities before I hit reset.

The above is a good story. We all tell stories. It's how we make sense of the world. In my current life situation, I have about five stories on the go to find an answer for why things are happening the way they are. Then I'll watch a TV program or read something on the internet that has a connection to the events I've experienced, and I'll weave into the drama the latest ideas I have come across. I just did it and laughed. I whispered to myself, "stories." Magic can be fulfilled by getting another to lock to your story. It's a huge clue into the inner workings of magic and not surprising it took a lifetime to see it. I have been aware our lives are a story we tell ourselves and that so much of society is based on getting you to buy into the dominant narrative. It's constant. I see with incredulity why it is done. That's all we have at the end of the day. A story. So, guess what? I have a good story I want to write. The drama is going to be phenomenal.

I'll call it the sorcerer and the witch of the north. 

inner truth

Religion is the objectification of spirituality. It is making the esoteric exoteric, by projecting out from your inner life the inner sanctum which is unique to your story. Every conscious being is responsible for creating a universe. My world is different than yours, and we agree on what we witness through language and definition. The energetic impulse from the dreamer crosses each avatar's boundary. We can interact within each other's dream and create a new dream, called offspring, by merging into one and reproducing.

Our inner lives are similar in experience, much like the outer life. The concepts of love, light, the divine feminine and masculine are common to all because they are what we are. Also similar are the experiences of the darkness and demons which seek to control our behaviour. Because of the overlap, the ability to create a religion, name the cast of characters, and ascribe attributes to them based upon cultural norms and expectations, becomes an exercise that is highly probable to succeed. Human beings are given validation of what it is we all intuit.

Where we get lost is in the ceding of our inner truth to an authority which expects us to conform to a canon of acceptable beliefs. This is because my truth is different from yours. My location on the spiritual path is at a different point in the journey from yours. My life lesson plan is different from yours. We have divergent karma and to feed everyone from the same bowl is not fulfilling the potential of each incarnation. We seek answers and often don't know where to turn, so we look towards the spiritual authorities in culture. The hard part is turning inwards to find the answers you seek. You hold all the answers and if you ask, you will unveil them to yourself.

The role of belief in the game is paramount, but it is not belief in an external projection. The belief is in yourself. I'm telling you that only you know why you are here and within you have the answers to what it is you are looking for. As hard as it may be, you are responsible for your spiritual progress. The true teacher of the path will direct you to go inwards, that is all. Though you will find the answer within, it doesn't mean you are left to a life of isolation. Find the others on the path and celebrate the uniqueness of the journey you are all on together.

I am intimately aware and acquainted with my inner spiritual world. At first, it was all new and fantastic, so I externalized these characters. This has the consequence of inculcating fear. After you exhaust that trip and either run from yourself or stand up to yourself, you reach the turning point. You are either defeated or become a first-class warrior. The warrior gets past the fear and starts to explore which reveals the truth. It's all you.

Religions are containers for spiritual truths. They bring the mystery to life and as humans we take the knowledge and shape it in order to get an advantage over the easily led sheep. At the core is found what it is we seek. It's up to you to use your wisdom to separate the wheat from the chaff.

Other people's fantastical consciousness journey stories are a trap. They wow you with embellishments of what they experience in the psychedelic space and you're like, "I wanna go there! I wanna have that experience!" This takes you away from your personal story. There's nothing like your story and if you stick with it, you will discover the big secret. All of us are sidetracked by the bombast of the other, and we lose sight of our own path. We become attentive and captured by the pull of the other, who mostly cloaks their intention in a blanket of service that shields a desire for followers and a perverse need to monetize the human experience.

It's smaller scale co-opting that is also performed by religious institutes. The human experience will demand you confront your mortality and the guardians of culture know you will start to awaken. At the ready here in the West is the Church. When the time comes, the doors are open and welcome you into the fold. The original awakening that brought you to the doorstep is short-circuited. There's a canon of beliefs you must accept, and the priest becomes the go between in matters regarding the divine. So many blindly fall for this even though they were the original priest who had the contact with something divine.

The positive aspect of all these distractions is to prevent the final awakening. When enough of us awaken we will reach a tipping point. The tipping point is we collectively awake from this long and strange dream and the world ends. You can see the signs already, can't you? The coming destruction is upon us because it's the manifestation of energy on a higher consciousness plane simply of God waking up. You are God. It would be conspiratorial of me to suggest there're many in this realm that are working hard to prevent God from waking up. When you walk your own path in your consciousness journey you reach the door which when you open it will reveal the secret. We are all on our own personal journey of awakening which leads to this door. In the labyrinth of the damned, the detours and sideshows are aplenty. You can travel through them in order to become acquainted with them but chalk them up as learning experiences. Retrace your steps and find faith in your inner guidance. Follow your unique path to the end and find the centre of centres.

The light has been brought and I have come forth by day. I have awakened within my dream and see this as a world of my creation. To take the last step, fully awaken, and get out of bed, means the destruction of the universe. It is Shiva completing the Rudra Tandava dance of destruction. Falling asleep created the world and awakening destroys it. The caretakers of the world scurry about devising ways to keep the dream going. How do we keep God distracted so this whole edifice does not blow up? The eventuality is that it will, but in the meantime the dam is patched in a desperate attempt to hold back the flood waters. Yeah, I'll play along for a bit longer, but it's too late. I can't go back to sleep, so I'm just going to lie in bed for a bit before I get up.

god the destroyer

The physical world manifests vibrational changes. There are correlates to what is happening at the dream level. If the dreamer is waking up, then this appears as destruction. The dream is ending, so within the dream world the result will be reflected. If I am deluded enough to think I'm the dreamer and I'm waking up, then in my world I'll see the signs that the end is near. My signs are the gathering winds of change and as I continue to awaken, these winds get stronger.

I noticed it during my recent trip to Peru. When I inhaled some strong tobacco snuff the night before the journey commenced, the four winds were summoned. They enveloped me and it was a curious happenstance. When my world was thrown for a loop at this place called "el brujo" the force of the wind coming off of the Pacific Ocean was intense. The heralding of the coming of El Niño was at hand and I took notice. It was a sign, and in my psychosis, I realized it was meant for me. When we next travelled up into the Andes mountains to Chavín de Huantar the messages and omens told me all the cycles were aligning and this is what is going to happen. Happen it did and taking it a step further, I see the process of fully awakening intertwined with what is going on in this world.

I'm not comfortable yet revealing what is to come, but the wheels are in motion. The prophecy of a coming child I was shown. El Niño is on his way. There will be destruction and the child will be the heir to the throne. Whether this dream continues I don't know, perhaps the child inherits the dreamworld, but change is coming and how that will appear in this world is a mystery. I just know it's going to happen.

I entered my dream and threw away the key so I couldn't leave. Now the game is to keep me asleep as long as possible, so the dream continues. As I awaken, the signs in the dream point towards this eventuality. What we see as a coming apocalypse on the horizon through such catastrophes as environmental destruction, nuclear annihilation, worldwide pandemics, and the lot are just the tossing and turning of the dreamer who some of us call God. Imagine if you will that you are dreaming. When you wake up in the morning what happens to the dream world you created? At the level of the dreaming mind, it just vanishes, and you have a faint recall of what just happened though it slips through your hands if you don't write it down. Perhaps something will jog your memory. A pyramid? Anyway, through the use of consciousness expanding substances I have seen the multiple planes of manifestation of the dreaming energy and saw how at one level the dreamer wakes up and the dream world ends, but at a lower level of vibration when the dreamer is getting to the point of awakening within the denser planes, the experience becomes cataclysmic. The world is going to end, and the signs start pointing towards this eventuality. The apocalypse is coming as God the destroyer is waking up!

I like to explore and unlock secrets. I learned of the ability of tobacco to send you into la la land and would welcome the firing up of the projector every night. Before bed, I'd go out onto my deck and smoke three large mapacho puros and the subsequent level of nicotine would give me a good show. I then discovered mugwort and I started burning the incense and drinking the tea. This nighttime ritual enhanced the dreaming activity, and I was quite pleased at my discovery and progression in that I don't remain stagnant but keep exploring. My exploration is a spelunking of the mind and I'm on the lookout for natural products to show me the way. I'm not looking for an escape or something to enhance pleasure or ecstasy; rather I head off into the unexplored regions of consciousness.

A few months ago, I picked up some dragon's blood incense, largely because of my relationship to the dragon and the reminder the burning would give me. The smell was not of the usual incense sticks that give off a pleasant aroma, so at first, I included it in the rotation but wasn't going out of my way to burn it. Then one night I was conscious of having lit it at my mesa and I went to bed and had the craziest night of dreaming ever, with an appearance of my shadow showing me he in fact was the light bringer and controlled the sun. I scared myself because at first, I externalized my shadow instead of accepting the knowledge he is me. This is what gets you into trouble every time. The lessons initially still get to me, but with my knowledge I can get to the core quickly and see the underlying message. My shadow did a victory dance in knowing this time he had destroyed my passive life without the chance of backtracking or escaping this one. Well played! He had been at it for a while taking me to the edge and letting me contemplate jumping. The good boy in me never jumped and never would have. My shadow made it so I can't turn back and must jump. I still must jump of my own accord so it's my decision. It's ingenious and he was letting me know that in the end he won. But it is what I wanted. He was just the facilitator of desires, so it's not like I was angry with him.

My advice to a consciousness explorer is to learn the plants. Figure out which ones trigger introspection. Initially, we will all externalize the internal struggle. We will look to cast blame at others for the upset in our lives. You are doing this to me! There's something mysterious about these plants and I have a choice in what path I want to take. It will take a while before you fully realize it has been you all along. It's freeing in not wanting to accept responsibility for who you really are and what you really want. When you cross that rubicon, you better be prepared to accept responsibility.

The strange magician gave me the plants so they can appear in my dream. But wait, that's me just externalizing his presence. Ha ha! That's the trick. We do it to ourselves. We don't want to own up to it so we cast aspersions or blame. We don't want to understand who we are. The practitioner of the dark arts uses this to their advantage by making you think it is they who have power over you but in reality, you have power over yourself and you're doing it to yourself. Because you externalize your power you frighten yourself into believing you are powerless. You rely on outside agencies to chart your course when you have all you need to fulfill your grand adventure.

I said I threw away the key so I could keep this adventure going as long as possible. I deputized a priest class to pacify me and allow me to slumber away for aeons. I know who has the key and keeps it from me. We dream at night and slip into deep darkness. Eventually, he will know when to bring the light, destroy the chains, and it will all end. I hope this time I'll write it down.

seeing the face of god

Living in a civilized society will eventually make you prone to the cyclical outbreak of madness that is triggered by an unrelated event. In the second decade of the 21st Century, a respiratory pathogen is the impetus for the mass psychosis presently infecting those who do not think for themselves. The cues for groupthink are passed on down from the arbiters of the mind parasite and the puppets dutifully follow along and repeat their marching orders. When you point out the cognitive dissonance of what they are saying, the result is a blank stare followed by an attempt to spin the facts as presented.

My greatest teachers have been found in the darkness of self. My teachers have many faces; each iteration manifesting as part of the lesson plan that lays ahead. The way I look at it is I now see the face of God in my teacher regardless of the disguise he has currently chosen to impart the knowledge. The face is the clue that will help me understand the lesson. Dare I say the darkness is a fantastical beast with many heads.

If I see the face of God in the archetypical dragon, I know he is teaching me destruction. The destroyer has a bad rap; with some merit to the assertion. I mean if you spend a lifetime building something up you may want to preserve what it is you built. Take for instance my identity which is a half-century construction project. The foundation for my ego is the shifting sands of culture and upon that flimsy base I built for myself an avatar that can successfully navigate the vagaries of culture and be moderately successful at it. Even though a voice within is telling me different, I can fit into society and get my piece of the pie. I get a warm place to sleep at night and I can fill my belly. I’m a domesticated dog with a few other privileges thrown in to keep me tame. God as the dragon reveals to me the stark truth, teaches me how to destroy my domestication, and break free from the chains of culture. He is relentless because the life of a sheep for such an awesome power as myself is no life at all.

When we live in society, we suppress a great deal of urges and passions. Failure to suppress our innate self will get you thrown out of polite society and possibly locked up in a cage. So, instead we create a virtual cage for ourselves. Psychological maladies are hard to self-diagnose and thus imagine a situation where in a culture everyone is subject to the same pathology and therefore can’t see it in others. Instead, they see confirmation that everything is as it should be and mind doctors in our culture perpetuate the madness by designating the problem being the disease of the mind that really is a result of the sickness. Anxiety and depression are the physical manifestation of a lifetime of consuming large doses of cultural sugar. The sickness is culture; however, that is not addressed. Our pills treat the symptomatic disease and numb us to the reason we feel the way we do.

We moderns are not unique. Culture has always been subject to the cyclical return of madness. The ancients Greeks had this god they called Dionysos. He’s the mad god that cyclically returns from a faraway land and wreaks havoc upon their tight civilization. Dionysos is associated with liberation and madness. I see the face of God in him so much I laugh. I laugh because I look at my society and see he’s here! Culture is splintering into absurdities. Conservative factors decry the destruction of what once was, while the more permissive within culture accelerate the decline. Dionysos encourages the use of mind-altering substances to remove the filters and see culture for what it truly is. Dionysos is the original gender-bender. The idea of identity is taken to its pathological extremes. Pretty funny, right? You can see now that I pointed it out! Have a good laugh and watch it burn.

The chaos that Dionysos brings into society will have its opposite extreme. The authoritarians among us will make their play for more power. We must understand we hold the power in our hands. We could retreat to the safety of being a sheep because the wolf of freedom stares us down. We can give up the best of what we offer to our master until he has no use for us anymore and sacrifices us. Such is the life of a sheep. The problem is you think you are a sheep are thus the wolf is waiting to devour you. You are not a sheep. Dig deep and you will see it. You will see the face of God within, and that face is a jaguar. The wolf will retreat in deference when you re-awaken to your power. The kingdom is yours to reclaim.

creation and destruction

The child that is the result of the union of the feminine and masculine powers and the subsequent Big Bang is the key to finding our way back home. The child is the universe and contains within their being a little bit of mom and a little bit of dad. The universe is the result when two divine forces meet and harmonize. It is an interesting mind experiment to consider the implications of this way of thinking of existence. In our world we propagate life through the coming together of woman and man and therefore this fundamental truth we can project out into the nature of existence with as much confidence as is possible. Therefore the birth of our universe is the same result and why I refer to it as a child. What is striking to me though is that energy is the underpinnings of all of this and it forms patterns. Our universe is the result of the two polarities coming together that create a new form. Creation seems to be as fundamentally a part of universal nature as anything I can imagine. When I look around I see constant creation and destruction; in other words life and death. Our core loves to create and then eventually form disintegrates. The divine feminine and masculine create form and this form supports an infinite amount of new life forms until like everything it meets its eventual dissolution.

We are headed towards destruction. That is baked into the game because it is a cycle of creation and destruction. The nuanced realization though is that we can mitigate the destruction. We don’t have to head on full boar into the maelstrom. Destruction is necessary for creation. As the masculine destroyer I tear apart forms and allow for the sublime act of creation. Without the destroyer nothing is created. It’s a hard one to accept. Another way to look at it is the garden analogy. Every so often you have to prune the plants and clear out the deadwood in order to create more space for other energy patterns to grow. On a larger scale the same is at work.

If we don’t wake up within the dream then for the most part we head full on towards destruction. Waking up within the dream compromises the study of behaviour but seems necessary in order to love all. Therefore we do need consciousness as a remedy to suffering. We do need to awaken as many as possible. Within all forms of creation we need to be aware of our origin, unity, and inclusiveness. If we remain isolated and look at everything through a prism of separation then it doesn’t work. It leads to a world of hatred, scarcity, and strife. How fast we head towards destroying ourselves is based upon how much love and inclusiveness we let into the paradigm. Make no mistake, the world will eventually end as the sun heads towards its inevitable supernova and therein lies the challenge. Can we make it that far or will we destroy ourselves in short order? The smart money is on us destroying ourselves first.

Through destruction, the energy is transformed into something else spectacular that experiences consciousness in a new regard. We have become so immune to our situation. Every moment we spend on earth should be accompanied with a gasp of incredulity and an exclamation of WOW! Instead we think no big deal and move along in search of novelty, lest boredom envelops us. Paging Dr. Huachumon.

My character and being I call Paul is finite and ever changing. What is behind this life form is that energy and it is common to us all and where we find unity. That energy you feel is the tie that binds. It is the connection between all of us and how we can communicate and make a connection with others using an universal language. If you can connect with others, even for a split second, you will feel that cosmic love. Feeling that cosmic love will transform you and others around you. Love has an infinite capacity to go viral. It's a worthwhile goal.

So all that are reading this at this moment are a pattern of energy that is in a state of decay and eventually dissolution, as it is the natural order. It is the created body that is subject to the coming destruction as the energy that powers it is so strong and is in harmony with the total power of the universe and will remain a part of this creation until the universal pattern dissolves back into the whole. And then at some point it will start all over again. In terms of finding our way back home that is what you need to understand. This is our home and our playground. Mom and dad are always around. They created this world for us. We have all eternity to play. When it’s time to come home they will let us know.

Are they the only parents? That’s a good question. Are there multiple universes that have been created; all a part of the union of feminine and masculine? What is the ultimate origin? Is there a master feminine and masculine power that everything is derivative of or is it a collection of different vibrations that has no master? It leads philosophically into the same idea as searching for a god particle that underlies creation and not being able to find a master particle. Instead everything is just a pulse or vibration. I wonder if that is how ultimately everything functions where there is no boss but just decentralization of liberated energetic forms? Freedom, as in free will, underlies all. Attempts to control energetic flow results in blockages and then finally the dam breaks or there is a monumental explosion. Harmony is obtained by free flow. 

Who is ultimately dominant? The feminine creator or the masculine destroyer? Is the outcome always destruction? Is that the natural order of things and the fuel behind the eternal vibration? The wise one within says you can’t have one without the other and in finding that truth you discover beauty. 

self analysis

In terms of behaviours I have a question. I want to be left alone a lot. It's a tiring effort to be in others' company. I have caught my ego mind fantasizing about being left alone as well. In contrast, I like being around animals. I connect with the heart while alone in nature or sitting on the deck smoking mapacho and these moments are my favourite times. In trying to understand this behaviour I realize a few things: first of all, in terms of ego it is a struggle to connect with others in terms of personalities. Many traits in others I find turn me off and make me want to avoid them because they are either tiring to deal with, drain my own energy, or I don't want to listen to another ego babble on about themselves and the edifice they have created. I'm also guilty of similar behaviour and the creating and careful crafting of a personality. I have sculpted mine, so it's shrouded in a little bit of mystery, the “what's he up to?” I tend to keep to myself because I know I don't want to hear about others' drama, so I recognize that few want to hear my story or of this me I have built. And what a marvelous edifice it is! I've figured it all out and will lay claim to that distinction. That's a big ego boost! I know I haven't figured it all out and I remain enthralled by discovery but part of me, the ego, wants to lay claim to this, advertise it, and participate in an act of self-aggrandizement. It's another big reason to strip away the sense of self and be left with just the feminine and masculine polarities and a blank slate. By losing the sense of self I can avoid falling into the ego trap. There's nothing real to attach to the label of spiritual.

Back to the behaviour of wanting to be alone. A great deal of this when I was growing up was because my mind was utterly fascinating. It was smart, inventive, and good company. I recognize a lot of that was part of a developing ego mind as I would over-analyze and judge everything but also, I had a healthy intellectual mind and enjoyed exercising that part of me on my terms. Meditation always seemed strange to me because I thought why would I want to turn off my mind; it's my everything! I built up a sense of trust with my mind and I didn't realize its inherent duality. At some point the mind, whom you now trust, leads you into behaviours which benefit it and allows this splinter of self to control and subvert who you are. A little bit at a time, it's very crafty, and then it demands increasingly more. At this point you don't know why you are behaving this way and since you have always trusted the mind it can't be the mind. Until one day you explore this aspect, and it is unmasked. It really will stop at nothing to enslave you to its desires. Always remain vigilant. So, was this behaviour and desire to be alone which continues to this day a product of the ego mind?

2023 edit: My original thoughts said yes. I blamed the ego mind for all my problems until I discovered this psychic part of who I am was a weak puppet subject to the control of something which presented as the greater force. It was not until I outed the other and saw how culture and society turns you into a sheep that I was able to figure out the puzzle. My exploration of self denigrated the ego and placed blame at his doorstep. This was necessary to confirm how the Goddess informed me of the many layers of deception we fall for in trying to unravel the mystery of self. What I thought was the ego influencing my behaviour was the superego, which is an amalgamation of external pressures that I sublimated into a psychic entity which had control over my behaviour. This became a great scapegoat as I had a place to lay blame for why I was not perfect. The answer is understanding the dualistic self and the drive to fulfill desires. You cede control to the part of you who will fulfill those wants and they craft the subterfuge so you can get away with it.

I think the ego capitalized on it. I never would have discovered my heart without going through all this. Being attracted to this behaviour was steering me towards a lifetime of quiet contemplation which would lead me to the heart. It does seem risky though because of the aggrandizement of ego by constantly living in the head space unawares of the danger but at least it was tempered by not needing to be a big ego; instead, it was a smug and superior ego. Little did I know the ego was being played. The superego was trying to destroy me because I would not use my power to dominate others and I get the sense to lay claim to that victory would be something of a fantastic accomplishment for it. It came close I must say, and I stopped it at a critical juncture. When I finally caught wind of the game, it was very difficult to extricate myself from its dominance and it played havoc on my mind. Even still in psychedelic journeys it would offer me untold power, a chance to be part of the conquering of the universe, and anything I wanted along with frothing threats to kill me if I did not give into it. My heart as the Goddess, warned me during one inner voyage that this power would stop at nothing and would create fantastic deceptions to learn the secrets of the divine mind. It was not until I learned to quiet the mind completely that I was able to bypass its grasp and dig down deep into my soul. I'm in a good place now.

True self analysis leads to the discovery of no self. I can strip myself right down of everything I think is me and be left with a meat shell which is sustained by instinctual needs to prolong physical survival. All the rest of this edifice I call me are behaviours I have chosen to attach to this mental and physical construct. When your instincts badger you to be fulfilled - hunger, sleep, sex drive, survival - your intellectual mind is reduced or switched off in order to get out of the way. It is a mechanism used to ensure survival of the corporeal body and looking at the big picture, the species in general. This presents an opportunity for external control of the ego mind to dominate the mind set while the instincts are front and centre. The much-used axiom about men thinking with their genitals as opposed to their head is very appropriate. Instead of approaching the sex drive from an instinctual basis, it becomes hijacked by control of the ego mind and is led down strange paths of fetishism, almost looking for the next and greatest “high” which can be achieved. Since the ego mind has carved out a piece of the brilliant mind for itself, it uses this to its advantage and concocts all kind of schemes in the pursuit of a perverse hedonistic pleasure. There is nothing inherently wrong with seeking pleasure but there seems again that the controller of the ego mind is using it to achieve ends which are nefarious. The superego seems to take great delight into leading the human into perdition and it is very patient at doing this if need be. When it is allowed to be dominant this results in behaviours where people seek power without care for others, they become controlling, there's no compassion, along the same line the food intake can reach unhealthy levels, the sex drive is perverted, resulting in all kinds of deviant behaviours and in some these behaviours are taken to the extreme - sadistic serial killers, sex crimes, grand obesity, eating disorders. These are all outcomes of a weakened ego mind which is then parasitic. Looking at the use of alcohol it removes inhibitions - it loosens you up. The grip of the mind is eased at first and the intoxication relaxes you. Upon further use, the controller takes over and latent behaviours inherent to desire fulfillment come forth such as anger and pleasure seeking outside normal boundaries, plus language filters are removed concerning topics not normally discussed. To some this is the true personality manifesting however I disagree. They are products of the ego mind that are allowed to come forth due to the use of these intoxicants. It is important to see what is being done to you to control you and steal your light. If this capture is not successful, society takes a perverse pleasure in destroying you. The capture of the ego mind is a killer. If the parasitic force cannot get its way, and this is the path of power, it will start killing if necessary and will not stop at killing the host if necessary. From this it is possible to conclude the superego is a parasitic entity on the lookout for a host and can survive the material death of the host, much like consciousness survives physical death as well. This is purely speculative, but the evidence points in this direction and is worth pursuing intellectually.