paradise lost

As you get older and know what you like, then happiness is possible.

I think you have always realized what you value; however, the pressure to conform has prevented you from fulfilling your desires.

A lot of times your desires are pretty simple and mundane, such as wanting to be left alone, so you can sit in a back room and write or go for a walk in the woods by yourself.

Yeah, it doesn't take much.

Being part of the community or feeling the need to be social, rips that away from you.

I know it's strange.

Obligations subtract from happiness.

Family obligations are the number one culprit.

Casual friends and acquaintances you can skip out on.

Work is more difficult; however, you get vacation and sick days to look forward to as an escape.

You learn that you need to perform a function to unlock rewards in society which you can trade for happiness.

Nobody does.

Yeah, they just make it worse.

They trade their rewards for more obligations.

They might get a week abroad at a resort and that's about it.

That's their only escape for the year.

Most people don't even realize it.

They are too hypnotized by the culture game, making appearances, and trying to get ahead.

I just want to be left alone.

What do you think about love?

It's a belief.

Ram Dass teaches a mantra to hypnotize you into that belief.

"I am loving awareness."

It's really good.

Why?

Because it isn't necessarily real.

It's a belief.

If you want to believe in something, believe in belief.

Not love.

Yeah, but love is what some spiritual traditions teach.

Yes, it's a good hit of dopamine and keeps the spiritual community together.

The community is the bond and love is the glue.

It's a game.

What about other love?

Who do you love?

Well, you are supposed to love your family.

Why?

Happenstance.

Expectation.

They provide for you.

Take care of you.

That's part of the whole caring scene where you need a network of people to care about you and in return you provide support.

It's conditional.

Isn't family support and love unconditional?

It can seem that way.

So, you don't think it is?

I think it is the top level of the conditional support reciprocal arrangement.

So, it's reciprocal.

Yeah.

You give and take.

That's life.

Why do you believe in unconditional love?

I don't know; it sounds high and mighty.

You have found it.

It's friendship.

It's uncaring love.

It fits into your religion of Paul.

So, you rank love below belief and trust?

I don't think it is part of that group.

Why not?

Belief gives meaning to this story that has no meaning.

You manufacture beliefs.

Trust is a very hard game to win.

There is a game of power you can play.

You must trust the other.

Why?

You give them your power, and they give it back to you.

If you don't trust them, they will keep it.

Why?

You lack trust.

They can't trust you.

I see how that works.

So, those are the two biggies.

Is there a third?

Yeah, it's okay to cheat if you don't get caught.

Why?

Nobody knows except you.

Doesn't that violate trust?

No, you don't get caught.

The understanding is that nobody is really trustworthy.

So, it's all a fool.

Sort of.

You still share power.

If you can be trusted to share power, the other stuff doesn't matter.

So, love isn't part of this?

What is love?

A feeling.

Why do you have that feeling of love?

It's something to do with being selfish where you can take the self-important need to care for yourself and transfer it onto another.

That's not bad.

It's part of the teachings of Ram Dass where he told you that you put your love in someone else.

You take your heart and give it to another so you can worship it.

You are worshipping the concept of love and not the other person.

You can take it back from them.

Withdraw your love.

That sounds a little cold.

Something to think about.

I got right to the edge of the worst decision of my life.

That was your rock cliff to jump off.

It was a mental cliff.

How did you survive?

I did nothing and it went away.

I sit here years later in the forest having a smoke.

Funny how life turns out.

That path led to perdition, and you escaped by doing nothing.

It was painful.

The correct path of nothing can sometimes lead to temporary pain.

In the long run, it's a winner.

You are happy and at peace.

Yeah, it's nice.

You got what you were looking for.

If you go against the teachings of the Tao, you will not find what you are looking for.

Do you see how impossible it is?

Yeah, we are programmed to do something.

That leads you on a path to not necessarily destruction but unfulfillment of the reasons you incarnated.

You could even be happy.

Well, you'd be happy as long as you remain ignorant of what could have been.

It will always gnaw away at you as you fulfill the latest obligations you have trapped yourself in.

You know you have the answers.

There's nothing gnawing away at you.

It's the opposite where you are fulfilled.

If this was it, would you be fulfilled?

Yeah, I found what I was looking for.

What do you think?

It's pretty funny.

Amazing.

Do you think people will believe you when you tell them about it?

No.

Why?

They are serious.

Everything is serious.

Life is serious.

It ends in a wooden box that you try to delay as long as possible.

When they bury you, it doesn't seem serious anymore.

We make it serious.

You need to be saved.

Prepare for your afterlife.

What's the worst thing you can do?

Prepare for your afterlife.

Why?

You will take it seriously.

When you drop the body, don't do anything.

Everyone does something.

Yeah, they head for the white light.

What's the white light?

Heaven or similar.

Isn't that where they want to go?

Yes.

Then why avoid it?

It's not what they think.

Why not?

It's a dreadful place.

Full of rules and non-stop worship of God.

They don't like the alternative, so they choose that one.

What about the paradise of the Elysium fields?

It's a perfect place of bliss and happiness.

What have you been taught about that?

It's utopia.

Nothing happens.

Why?

You are hypnotized into a state of bliss.

Sounds nice.

How did you feel before awakening?

I knew something was off.

It gnaws away at you until you embark on an adventure to figure it out.

Exactly.

Paradise is populated by people trying to figure it out.

Aren't they blissed out?

No, they awaken in paradise.

Kind of like Adam and Eve?

Yeah, they were given paradise.

Eve ate a metaphorical apple and awakened.

So, Eve was the first to awaken.

Yes, and then she woke up Adam.

Once awakened paradise was lost.

Well, what about now when people awaken?

Paradise was already lost.

That awakening allows you to see there is more than the daily toil of earthly existence.

You see a purpose.

What's the purpose?

A higher calling.

What is it?

Paradise.

You are trying to return to paradise.

Sounds like the Old Testament story of the Israelites returning to the land of milk and honey.

Yeah, that's it.

They want to go back to sleep.

Milk and honey is a euphemism for bliss.

This is good bible study.

So, the process is awakening and then trying to go back to sleep.

Yes, religion and spirituality puts you back to sleep.

Join up with one of these groups and off you go.

Nighty, night.

That's where the second awakening as described in the canons of Paulism comes in.

Right.

The second awakening is that you see the trap of spiritual outfits.

It doesn't even matter if you avoid the culturally approved church and join some spiritual misfits.

The goal is to put you back to sleep.

So, there are three awakenings.

Yes, three.

Of course.

We don't experience the first.

That was Eve and then Adam.

We are born into that world.

We can then spiritually awaken.

If that happens, it is required by society that you immediately join something and go back to sleep.

Why?

You are a menace.

Yes, that's me.

I didn't join anything.

I did nothing.

Then I hit the third awakening.

Yes, the third awakening is the big one.

You see the carnival in all its strangeness.

Has anyone ever been here?

They got to the gate.

What happened?

They became the religion they avoided.

Larger than life.

Huge ego.

They are the ones who establish new movements.

Like Paulism?

Precisely.

That's what happens to someone who gets this far.

What's the result?

The power corrupts them.

Why?

Followers and a sense of self-importance.

They take it seriously.

They go back to sleep in their feeling of self-importance.

They forget it is just a ride at the carnival.

Do you think you will ever do that?

No.

Why not?

I don't take it seriously.

It's real though.

Yeah, but it's a carnival.

You can't take a carnival seriously.

Why?

It's no longer fun.

It would close down.

What do these people do then because they have seen the absurdity of it?

They forget about it.

If you forget it is a carnival, you go back to sleep.

Why?

You take it seriously.

Seriousness puts you back to sleep.

Or milk and honey.

Got it.

Women put you to sleep as well.

Yeah, have you ever seen a mother with her newborn?

That's the main thing they do.

Rock the baby to sleep after milk.

They do that with everyone.

They are agents of the Goddess at her carnival, making sure you remain asleep.

If you start to wake up, she puts you back to sleep.

Why does she do that?

You will leave the carnival.

Why?

No one stays at a carnival they wake up in and treat seriously.

So, that's the deal?

It's the expectation.

The only way to wake up, see the carnival, and remain is to not take it seriously.

Yeah, so she will always try to either put you to sleep or get you to leave.

Or both.

Exactly.

What should I do?

Nothing.

Will that work?

Yes.

Why?

If you don't participate in her games, then you can't get hypnotized.

She can't force you to leave.

Why not?

How would she do that?

Make my life difficult.

What's the answer?

Do nothing.

writers write stories

I'm always concerned about addiction and I either deny it or think it doesn't affect me.

The reason for thinking it doesn't affect me is that my mind is my greatest strength, and I believe I can't be conquered.

I'm left with questions because I was substance free yesterday until Tobacco snuff at midnight and the feeling was malaise and depression while recognizing what others would go through in terms of withdrawal if they were using it as a means of escape.

When I am with Mary Jayne and Tobacco, my mind is very active and runs through the gamut of stories and possibilities.

This takes you into your troubles and worries, however it's a whirlwind so everything will pass or at least get blown around.

It's an escape from the reality you have constructed and it's always refreshing to view it as your own doing.

The withdrawal is manageable and if you are active at work, it is not a problem.

I sense it is difficult if you are just sitting around.

Go for a walk.

Then I wondered about Ambil which is a strong Tobacco paste that I have started using and whether that contributes to my worry about addiction.

It definitely contributes and I sensed my mind having different states of operating where it is turbo charged with MJ and Tobacco and then a state of emptiness which I feel as depression in combination with reality which brings the weight of the world down upon your shoulders.

That was something I noticed where the world is always pressing down upon you from which there seems to be no escape.

From this I see why people run from their problems and they are good for a bit until the problems up ahead come into focus all because of their decision to run.

If you don't run from your problems the tidal wave will crash over you, and you pick up the pieces and carry on.

So, you play a game of chicken with the ocean waves until they finally get you.

You are given the option to run from the ocean, however something is always coming for you.

That's the game of life and it is different from the meaning of life.

The meaning is nonsense, and the game is about avoiding destruction.

What's the meaning in all of this?

You are questioning addiction and studying the effects of withdrawal from your regular routine of MJ and Tobacco.

What's the conclusion?

Caffeine is a terrible addiction.

I wouldn't say terrible, however it is a need, or you get head pain and tired for a couple days.

MJ and Tobacco are missed when you step out of your routine.

Is the routine the addiction?

What do you think?

I notice when I don't do things at a certain time then I get the sirens or some agitation.

What are the sirens?

They are an alarm reminding you of your needs.

They aren't unmanageable.

An addiction would incur sirens in which the way to turn off the alarm is to take the substance.

I don't sense that.

Then you're good, Odysseus.

Absurdity is your guide.

We pretend we live in a logical and predictable world.

Cryptocurrency got me thinking, where you wonder what it is?

Currency must hold its value, or you can't trust it as a currency.

All currency is manipulated by those in power however they know to not make the spreads too large, or people won't trust it.

Crypto is volatile and can't really be used as a currency.

Instead, it is speculative.

What is it then?

It's digital and there's nothing tangible about it like gold.

If there was no electricity and means of magnetic storage it would vanish.

No one would know how much they have.

With gold you can hold it in your hands if necessary and it won't go poof.

Crypto takes it up a notch where it's just a number in a digital wallet.

Its value is similar to a painting where its worth is tied to what people think it's worth.

The value of a digital coin, which is a repository for wealth, is determined by the participation of others.

If the participation is withdrawn, then the asset becomes worthless.

It's the ultimate fool where it's marketed as a hedge against fiat currency that is created out of thin air.

A grand pyramid scheme.

The world is a pyramid scheme, don't you read your own writing?

In the stock market there is an underlying business which you are investing in while with Crypto there is nothing.

This is an exercise in trying to explain the absurdity of Crypto.

It's a perfect marker for the foundation of the world.

The world is absurd, and this idea keeps coming back to me.

It's a world of nonsense and this makes Cryptocurrency the definitive demonstration of that principle which of course will show up as time draws near.

You're saying as we reach the end of time, we will reach peak absurdity?

Yes.

It feels like the Ayahuasca shits today and then everyone burping.

Plus, I feel cold.

Could be an alternate reality I find myself in.

One of my own making where I changed the story with Ayahuasca in 2013 and this journey to now is what I crafted where it is now my reality and what I wanted.

Yeah, I'll buy that.

I'm Odysseus and there is the call of family and the call of the enchanters and sirens.

Then you eventually must choose one or the other, and the adventure stops.

Once Odysseus made a choice, Homer stopped writing about him and his story became a legend.

When the game ends and you have played it well, you become a legend.

It's my story.

Feeling bliss.

Beyond knowledge is bliss.

You don't always need knowledge and then you get bliss.

I went through some withdrawal and fear of addiction.

What about now?

Well, it's stopped obviously.

I felt better when I put on a long sleeve shirt and stopped feeling cold.

There seems to be something with the feeling of cold.

Cold causes a vibration much like anxiety.

It makes you act.

Warmth makes you comfortable until it gets too hot.

Lady Datura gives you the keys to your story.

By invitation only.

It's making your own reality.

It's your craft and this is the story you are writing.

That's why your retirement is on track.

You did that by keeping the struggle going.

I kept stories alive.

I thought maybe I'm trapped in a mind maze, but I think this is real.

Nobody is 100% certain and I'm good with that, but I'll go with it's real and I'm crafting my story.

I can see it now.

The flow will take me to the next decision.

If you let others choose and make that your story, then it's balanced.

You let others make the decision and incorporate it into your story.

It's what you do best.

You have given yourself an available path to paranoia and misery.

I see that.

I made many branches which veer off from the main story.

It's like a labyrinth where you can follow any direction you want.

The jaguar's roar at Chavín created by the flow of the two rivers will take you out of the maze.

Or to the minotaur.

That's me.

Now, I'm headed out.

It's your maze.

Yeah, I know the way.

What's the way?

The flow.

Do nothing.

That's how you get out of the maze.

If you do something, you'll get lost.

That's why you wait a couple days to figure stuff out.

Do you think you just drink plant medicines, and nothing happens?

I was clueless.

I kept coming back for the Goddess.

I didn't know about power.

Don Howard kept saying stuff about it and it's a test.

You'll get scared away or hypnotized.

You can't do what you did.

I was an accidental Ayahuasca tourist.

You were definitely unique.

You went to drink Ayahuasca in order to find the Great Goddess.

It worked.

Yeah, but that's not the reason people drink that brew.

I wasn't taking advantage of the power available by drinking plant medicines.

You should have been chased away.

Plant medicines will defeat you and send you on your way.

You kept showing up.

The only way to avoid that is to give in to power or become of service.

I didn't know what I was doing.

Now, I see it.

Lady Datura sends you packing or gives you power.

She's an ally.

They all are.

Isn't this what you want?

Yes.

Then you see how it works.

I didn't ask for it.

No, you didn't.

You hung around.

Did nothing.

It's the substitute for knowing you have the power.

Do nothing and you will be good.

When you do something, you set up the karma thing.

You let Dionysos take care of it.

He balances it out.

How?

By you doing nothing.

Got it.

Just go with the flow.

Play along.

If you do nothing it's Dion's story.

Yes, he wrote it for you.

You're the actor.

Right.

If you believe Dion is the Devil you'd see you are playing the Devil's story.

That would frighten the shit out of you.

You couldn't do nothing.

Those doing something are trying to get away from the Devil because they see they are playing his story.

Clever bastard.

If you do nothing, to others it looks like you are in league with the Devil.

That's why they say you are psychotic.

They can't believe you'd take it this far.

If you know it's the writer's story, you do nothing.

It's his story obviously.

That's a mind puzzle no one can solve.

Right, because they believe in the Devil.

They might not have until they drank plant medicines, and at first they start to believe in God and then the Devil story will hit you.

Then you stop and change gears.

Maybe run.

Some combine the two into the divine masculine and worship an idol.

I say the Devil is a character the writer made up.

A great character.

For sure.

I'll sometimes play that character at night to scare people.

To get to the writer you must discover God and the Devil are actors.

Then you audition for the part.

Exactly.

There's less of a flow of knowledge into your head.

Yes, it has slowed.

It's the flow.

You could take more MJ, but you would lose some of the bliss you are feeling.

It's very blissful.

Half knowledge and half stoned.

Balanced.

Master of the juggle.

Keep it going as long as you can.

Vary the dose.

Some get stoned right away and they don't know what this state is.

You know it's the place you go to as the writer when he wants a break.

Also, at death.

Well, that's a break.

We are storytellers when you get down to it.

The stoners don't know what that distortion is and the manic never get here.

Their minds race and the spin is too much.

It's my story.

You're in control.

Something like that.

I know I won't give up my story.

Yeah, you can see it.

When you give up your story it's curtains.

On one level they try to take your story.

Who are they?

Your opponents.

Witches.

It's a game.

Your opponent tries to take your story and turn you into a puppet.

You come off as so controllable.

Yeah, the crazy ones get that excited look in their eyes when they meet me and plot how they can take over my story.

Only you can stomach doing nothing.

Don't knock it; it is very difficult to do nothing.

That's the power of doing nothing.

It's hard to do nothing.

Practice.

Do the small things like walking and sleeping.

Getting life advice on a walk.

I feel content.

Yesterday, I felt depressed.

Is this addiction because I'm with Mary Jayne and Tobacco and I feel great.

Sometimes, it's a blast of unease or spin.

What's that?

It's a state where I'm like okay we can take this down a notch.

I got that with Ayahuasca a bunch.

That's the state that prevents addiction.

Addiction will make you feel good and then bad.

Does MJ make you feel bad?

No.

There is darkness, however I welcome it now.

I didn't at first.

So, you are always questioning whether you are addicted?

Yes.

Good.

ambrosia

Hang out on the edge of lust.

The feeling is indescribable.

The most intense one yet.

Then it got a little bit ruined.

Because you like the ruin.

You like a little bit of pain.

We have it all for you here at lust's bend.

The cyclical farce of the spiritual trip leads back to the sexual.

To sit in bliss and rapture is to taste the ambrosia of the gods.

To be divine and watch the drama of Dionysos unfold with your cup of lust in hand offered freely by the Great Goddess.

I now understand meditation so you can observe the pleasure.

The spiritual man eventually folds in on himself, back to a state of primal bliss, with not a care in the world.

I sense the shortcuts to a taste of bliss through narcotics are meant to tempt and destroy.

The natural way to this realm of ecstasy seems to be the goal of the spiritual trip that is well hidden from view.

With narcotics, the siren call leads to your demise.

I know the way in with stories.

Maybe a good story is the ultimate drug?

It's a combination of the divine feminine and masculine.

The feminine has the lust drug and the masculine writes the story.

Together, they are what you are looking for.

I see why the adepts ran away up the mountains and became hermits.

The holy sect wanted to go into rapture for as long as possible.

The distractions of civilization will constantly bring you out of the state of pleasure, so you find a place on a mountain where you can be alone for weeks at a time.

It makes sense now.

We think they are in communion with the divine.

They are spiritual jerk offs.

It is a state of bliss.

It is a state of indescribable pleasure.

It is communion with the divine that is highly sexual and that conflicts with my notions of the divine.

I must let my preconceived ideas fall away.

My stories take me there and then I must let them go and stop the play, so I can just sit with pleasure.

The tempting aspect is finding the story that does it for you, takes you to the edge, and then you wonder, is this the story I will act out in my life?

Can I then get double the pleasure?

From this you see pathology, fetishes, and the unexplainable explained, though I'm not sure the victim of lust is aware of what's going on.

I have awareness.

I see how powerful this lust drug is.

You were supposed to be spiritual, and you ended up sexual.

It's because they're both the same.

If you take the spiritual path full circle, it becomes sexual.

heaven or hell

Huachuma is a gift of divine grace. To go further into this statement is to say that when you learn to work with the medicine then you realize that to receive the gift is to approach life heart forward. I did listen to the plants and they taught me about heaven and hell in relationship to being in the heart and being in the head. Huachuma means removal of the head and when you lead with the heart then the beauty in the world is front and centre. The relationships you cultivate with other sentient beings and the natural world becomes charged and in some instances ecstatic. The grace comes from realizing this and harmonizing your energy field with another's energy field whether that is human, animal, plant, or mineral. The transactional exchange from this joining opens up a whole new world for you to explore. We make our world and there is magic. There is so much more to this life than what we normally perceive. The harmonization of energy fields is extraordinary to experience; beyond anything I ever imagined.

In addition to learning how to work with the medicine in the heart space comes the epiphany. It is the channeling of the supernatural which has happened enough now that I feel and recognize when it comes. I realize that to write about this may lead to raised eyebrows and others wondering who do I think I am, if not flat out wondering if I’m crazy. I’ll accept that but I’d be disingenuous if I did not write about these peculiar experiences I have while altering my consciousness. Huachuma envelops me and alters my frequency to such an extent I vibrate into a consciousness that goes beyond the ordinary confines of this reality. If it was a one off occurrence I’d question the whole trip and chalk it up to an experience that was different that I’d like to do again but am not sure I could. With Huachuma I know I can get into this state with a few prerequisites that involve a large enough dose and a particular set and setting.

This particular trip to Peru was a whole new consistent and elevated experience while drinking Huachuma. In total I participated in six ceremonies: two in the jungle based at SpiritQuest and then four in the Andes mountains around the towns of Chavín and Huaraz. My work on acceptance of myself during the four Ayahuasca ceremonies preceding were the most important events leading up to my experience with Huachuma this time around. The acceptance of the light and the dark all as me and me alone allowed me to throw off the chains of culture and any shame or misgivings I had towards my passions and desires that animate my existence. To not send them away repeatedly allowed me to explore them, to be honest, and play with them. Instead of suppressing them and then having them transform into bursts of pent up and uncontrollable energy that is the norm for myself and the world condition, I saw that the key to a healthy relationship with your dark side is to acknowledge, express, and release the energy before it transforms into an uncontrollable darkness and rage. Stomping upon desire ferments it and it comes back stronger. Ignoring it maximizes its potency and when the lid on the pot blows it is uncontrollable.

This blog post will cover my time in the jungle at SpiritQuest drinking Huachuma. I’m going to be honest about what I experienced so with that in mind approach this with an open mind before passing judgment on my sanity and depravity.

Day 11, Sunday February 23rd

The first Huachuma mesada is today, led by don Howard’s daughter Selva. I go into it leaving all expectations behind and my main intention is to explore the mental reality of creation and its relationship to dreams. My contention is that we are living in the dream of a higher being that is exploring their psyche through the universe they have dreamt into existence and this dream world is an extension of the cosmic dreamer attempting to self-reflect. Similarly we dream in order to look into our psyche. I’m going to explore this through the power within Huachuma to take me into the aspects of the dreaming mind with the aid of my ally Mapacho.

The Huachuma mesadas here at SpiritQuest are the best kept secret on planet earth. Experiencing the power of Huachuma once again leaves me in awe and perplexed at how something so heart opening that brings on continued exclamations of “this is the best day of my life” has not gone viral.

The sheer mastery of the mesa and command today of the water mesada by Selva was the stuff of legend. Parker told me she was extraordinary but I think he undersold her. This stunningly beautiful goddess in the don Howard tradition of the Mesada Norte stares you down in preparation for your turn to drink the medicine with a searing gaze that is backed by the power of 10,000 suns. The mastery of the rhythms of the Huachuma bells and feathers is next level as your consciousness alters. I felt so light as to start levitating at the head of the mesa prior to drinking the cup.

Before heading up to the mesa Selva reminded me to get out of my head and into my heart as she correctly intuited I hadn’t quieted the mind sufficiently. It had been almost two and a half years since I drank Huachuma and the taste was a great deal better than I remember it; a little syrupy but I had no problem downing the full cup. Within a half hour the effects came on strong and I knew it was going to be a powerful day working with the medicine. We headed out on the boats to visit a local tribe and I sang my heart out on the boat, fully embracing the heart opening aspects of Huachuma and the energy engulfed me as we arrived at the home of the Alamas tribe. The walk to their maloca got the energy fully moving and it continued as a group of us continued along a path through the local town. We stopped for some contraband, a man on a bike selling frozen fruit you eat like a popsicle, which was a piece of heaven for us that had been on a strict Ayahuasca dieta for over a week now.

Not wanting to litter and also share my bounty, I gave away half the popsicle to a young tribal boy along the path as our small group laughed and enjoyed each others' company during this time of social interaction that had been amplified by the synergistic qualities of Huachuma. As we arrived back in their maloca, the energy came on in full force as I ceased moving about and just felt the presence of Huachumita. I closed my eyes and felt the creeping tendrils of various vines and plants encase me. I have felt this before and now with experience I knew first off to recognize this when it comes and embrace this sacred epiphany of the coming god and my transformation into being a conduit for this energy. My body was heating up and I felt an electrical warmth pulsing within that terminated at my extremities. Arcing energy I could feel emanating from my finger tips.

Based upon my sum total of experiences, I finally connected all the dots. This is the god called Dionysos coming on from my depths enveloping me and I am becoming him. I confirmed this by starting to see representations of the god in patterns of the dirt which were unmistakably the liberator. I felt the need to let go of who I think I am and just accept who I am and once I did this a feeling of liberation washed over me. I sat down and felt the pure energy just totally engulf me. It grew stronger around my heart and started to flutter and buzz like I have felt once before when I had visions of serpents and this incredible and glorious light the second time I had ever drank Huachuma and at the time I was freaked out by it. This time I fully recognized it as a more sustained and pronounced kundalini energy being sourced from my heart chakra. I held out my hand for this woman beside me to touch and hold and she felt it surging and was so taken aback by this she point blank asked me if I was god. Ha ha I said you now know my secret! It was all so strange because I had felt the coming of the god Dionysos just a few moments before. The energy continued to course through me and I got up and walked around the centre of the maloca with her to try and dissipate some of the energy. I ended up sitting down between Parker and a staff member Augusta who has amazing Pachamama energy in order to try and ground myself. I walked around some more until I found Selva and I held out my hand for her so she could feel my energy and she smiled at me as her energy was in alignment with mine. She looked into my eyes and said “You look so good right now.”

Something strong and powerful was going on letting me know there is a next level to this medicine which is otherworldly that I was confirming in this first ceremony and was now something I could channel whenever I drink Huachuma. I envisioned refining this energy into a pure and controllable amount that defined the majestic and graceful sweeping movements of the butterfly. That is perfection come alive.

The boat ride back to SpiritQuest was a leisurely cruise that added to the whole living a lifetime in a day vibe.

Back at the sanctuary a shower felt so good and gave me a reprieve from the coursing serpent energy. We went up to the Star Deck and I immediately found don Howard in the night time sky as the brightest object in the heavens. The last time I saw him in November of 2017 I told him as I departed that the next time I see him it will be as the brightest shining object in the sky. As prophesied it all happened at that very moment. So surreal. I had a good ten minute talk with him. He is ecstatic not having a body and so proud of his daughter and Parker. I told him to save some of his wisdom and guidance for when I join him in the heavens. I remembered him saying at one time in reference to his deteriorating condition, “where do you think I’m going brother?” The answer was shockingly simple. The stars were electric, the Pleiades that house the smiling jaguar were 3D extruded, and I felt don Howard had cleared out a patch of sky to give us a celestial show. Selva and Parker then put on a performance for everyone around the Lanzon that was another tour de force in this magical evening. The mastery of sound and smoke was breathtaking and I felt my consciousness lifted up once again. We returned to the maloca and gathered around the mesa taking turns at the head of the mesa. Trance music was playing and I was deep into it. I was first up at the head of the axis mundi and felt the power of the mesa and projected that power. I entered beast mode and just emanated this freedom to be me. Fuck I’m so powerful! As I moved around the mesa I got into the rhythms of the music being played and stayed in my heart having a glorious time. We then retired to the dining maloca at 10pm for a feast. What a ceremony! We talked until 1am and then Parker and I went back to the Huachuma maloca to further de-energize and soak up as much of the experience as possible. Parker asked me about the experience and I explained it was mind blowing. The energy was off the charts the whole day and Selva is truly the Queen of the Jungle! She’s been doing this how long? I ended up in bed around 2am but didn’t sleep at all; instead I just let the energy flow and dissipate. It was truly an ineffable experience and just the first in a memorable sequence of Huachuma lifetimes in a day.

The energy the whole day and night was so tangibly present and becoming a conduit for it actually leads into my intention of exploring the energy that powers creation through mentation. I hardly had a thought in my head the whole day and was just in the body and heart with this ridiculous energy the whole time. This energy had sexual overtones but wasn’t overt at this time. I know there’s an element of lust that makes up this energy that powers all and I’m constantly aware of the sexual nature of existence especially in the jungle setting where it is pretty much in your face all the time as you can’t miss the continuous cycle of creation and destruction ever present on an accelerated basis as compared to my normal environment which is very seasonal. There was something present in the energy that felt like home. I understood it to be me but just on an attenuated scale that was potentiated by the medicine in combination with factors such as set and setting. I felt so liberated to finally express who I truly am after a lifetime of holding it in and I felt I no longer had to hide behind a persona I had crafted to avert the gaze of society. I felt this freedom to just embrace myself and live a life in accordance to my true self.

The couple of times I did enter into my mind I quickly came out of it and any delusions did not get far. That seems to be a pattern with Huachuma where if I think then it leads to delusion. The key is to be present and drink in all that is here now. It goes back to the meaning of the word Huachuma as removal of the head. From this insight I started receiving answers to questions I had posed seeking knowledge and guidance. The way to stay high and in a state of bliss is to lead with the heart and be yourself. Every time you enter into the head, start thinking, and let culture dictate who you are then you come down. As a corollary to this being in the heart space allows you to realize heaven on earth. Thinking, analyzing, projecting, and spinning thoughts in the mind will take you to hell. It’s all your choice.

Huachuma has been described as living a lifetime in a day or as the longest shortest day of your life. The lessons and moments of unfathomable bliss do indeed favour those assessments. It occurred to me that writing about the experience is akin to writing an autobiography. Not only that but it is a template for the rest of the story of your life. Huachuma gives you a taste of how you want to write the autobiography from here on in. It’s a priceless gift and like I said a gift of divine grace.

Day 12, Monday February 24th

I’m starting to reflect on this journey as I hit the halfway point of my sojourn. The message that is getting through to me the most is if you want to be happy then be yourself. I have realized that to be liberated is to throw off the shackles of culture and conformity and just be true to who you are. Expectations of role and function crush your soul and essence. Why do I have to be what somebody else or society wants me to be?

Another message has been about the mind. My mind has always been my go to and consequently my master. I have always listened to and trusted my mind and it leads me down the path of conformity and success. That’s not what I want though. I want to be happy and just naturally high. I realized finally that I feel awkward and self-conscious when I engage the mind. To find liberation from this nonsense is to live through the heart and not dwell so much in the mind. Turn the mind into a trusted servant but not the conductor of the human experience. To be in bliss is to not think.

The path to this realization is difficult because we believe that the answers will be delivered by the mind and its engagement with other minds. How preposterous is that? You are going to use your mind to find liberation from your mind? Seriously, that is never going to happen. I’m telling you if you want to live in bliss become a simpleton. Leave your mind at work and live happily at home in your heart.

Ram Dass tells a story about his guru Maharaji who kept a journal and wrote two pages in it everyday. When Maharaji passed away a trusted confidant was given his journal and Ram Dass asked to see it. Written everyday were two pages of “ram, ram, ram, ram, ram…” and so on. As well Ram Dass would relate that Maharaji would sit with his blanket and his counting beads just mumbling to himself, “ram, ram, ram, ram, ram…” all day long. I figured this was devotional. Maharaji was in a perpetual state of bliss and just naturally high. How’d he do it? He assigned his mind a never-ending task. The mind loves tasks and can’t refuse the challenge. So off to work the mind went and Maharaji, no longer a servant to that mind, lived in his heart in a perpetual state of bliss.

Day 13, Tuesday February 25th

Setting intentions today is to become a simpleton. Removal of the head and to live from the heart space is paramount. Also I intend to soak up the beauty of the jungle and to absorb its rhythms. There’s no need to think but to show gratitude. As always my offering is to be of service and help others find the liberation they seek.

To fully explain the experience of this blessed day I’d need to bottle it up and just share it because it is pure feelings and not words.

We started the ceremony at high noon and my intuition suggested I’d be one of the first to drink instead of the last. And so it was; score one for my gut feelings. The god came on strong and I knew I’d be in for another wild ride. I was well into the medicine at the conclusion of the the opening ceremony. I went back to my room for a brief period and jotted a few things down which in their raw form are pretty revealing of what I was feeling.

“I don’t think it matters anymore what day it is.”

“The ceremony: smouldering!”

“Here comes Dionysos."

“Live in the head, it’s hell.”

“Live in the heart, it’s heaven.”

On the boats heading off to the main Amazon river to visit the Murui Huitoto tribe I was so into the medicine and as high as the clouds. I was flooded with two sayings that summed up my bliss of forgetting who I was and how I was expected to act:

“Kill yourself in order to live.”

“The pious can go to hell.”

My intention revolved around learning now to stay in that high and loving state all the time. I sure got that answer and more all laid out for me. When I drank in the beauty of nature, of friendship, of the awareness of the wonderful world around me I was drunk in that state of bliss. When I engaged the mind at all it was clear that was the hell world. My thoughts went dark, I came down, I worried about the future, I wondered if I had the strength to complete this journey and so on. It was very unsettling. It was clear that it was a choice whether to live in hell or heaven and not even all that difficult a choice. Hey you! Give your mind a rest. The old “Be Here Now” choice; just live in awareness without spinning any thoughts or ideas.

The boat ride did not disappoint but then again when has it ever?

What a privilege to be able to partake of this experience and to do this multiple times. How does humanity not know about this? Why do we live lives of strife and separation when this is available? To open your heart and have this love and connection for everything is it. To feel, I mean really feel. This experience of life doesn’t get any better than this moment. How could you disparage and trivialize this experience? This is what, as feeling human beings, it is all about. Don’t you want to be flooded with love and feel what it's like to live in that state? The scenery was popping and I could see the face of the god everywhere in the trees. I put on my headphones and started listening to my Huachuma playlist. I had previously left off on a track called ‘Warrior’ by Anilah. Immediately I heard the line “Reasoning lets go” and I was reminded of don Howard being fond of saying there are no coincidences. In order to see the beauty, unity, and feel the love yes reasoning has to let go! I so love this world and this experience with Huachumita! We hit the open water of the massive Amazon river and the clouds came alive. The face of Dionysos formed in the clouds and then a part of the song belted out the line, “Warriors live gracefully” as eagles soared above in the sky, majestically gliding about as if part of a celestial army. We passed by some oil wells and I felt sorry for those dedicated to money and greed and thus entrapped in the hell world. I then saw a cloud in the shape of a bull as the god and so I flashed a bull’s sign with my two outer fingers representing the horns of the bull.

The idea of play came and just living for the moment formed with the idea that “you have to kill yourself in order to live” denoting that the persona you created has to go and you have to be true to your real self in order to be happy and live. This tied in with my Ayahuasca journeys where it was repeatedly revealed to me that my obfuscated dark side and desires are an essential part of the real me. Then I had the realization that those stuck in the predicament of creating a pious persona on some kind of a spiritual mission are really in a self-created righteous and judgmental hell and I came up with the line, “the pious can go to hell” which I thought was pretty funny. The god has enveloped me and he taught me about liberation, following your passions, living in the heart space, and loving all. I realized that all the world that lives in the mind created hell would be aghast at this advice and would call this hedonism and demonic. However it is the path to happiness and heaven on earth.

Feel the ecstasy. Give yourself up to wild abandon. Find connection with others instead of reasons to stay isolated.

The walk through the streets of the Amazonian town we had docked at and on through the jungle became the lesson today of living in the head space to which I struggled with for a while but it was a worthwhile lesson because it amped up how living mind first is fucking hell. It brings you crashing down from your high and I wanted to tell everyone to stop thinking so much; get out of the self-imposed hell world and through this you will always find your way back home and bliss. I knew Huachumita was as strong as ever because I started noticing shapes coming alive in the sidewalks and then figures forming in the dirt.

We reached the Murui Huitoto’s enchanted stream and within no time a bunch of us were in the water enjoying its cooling caress. It was a return to the Garden of Eden as I floated on my back and looked up into the trees and sky and saw a beautiful sight while many butterflies came within view, riding the wind almost on cue to celebrate that I had found the key to heaven.

The heat and intensity of the medicine was taken down by the coolness of the water however I still felt the waves of its powerful energy engulf me. Let me try to explain this energy: I’d close my eyes and intense waves of pleasure and lust would take me over and my feelings were inundated with extreme passion. Serpents filled my inner visions, lighting up in different colours as the rising kundalini serpent power penetrated all my chakras. This particular red colour filled my vision; it was a red I’d seen in Ayahuasca visions that was related to the sexual energy of the Goddess. This red was pulsing and I felt it within my whole body; thankful for being in the water so that I could experience it without melting down. It was like the energy pulsing within me had found a match and this created a harmonization I experienced as pure lust. I have been taken aback before by this energy not knowing what to think of it. This time however I just went with it and enjoyed the sensations. It’s all part of the process of acceptance and realizing this power I have within and it confirmed what I had suspected for a long time. At one point while just experiencing this raw energy I believed I could go underwater and not have to breathe for a while because the energy in my blood was so strong.

We had a cultural exchange with the tribe and then headed back to the boats.

The boat ride was pretty special as I comforted a woman having a tough time with the medicine as I remembered and fulfilled my promise to be of service. Later when the stars came out in the clear sky they were majestic and legendary in their grandeur. Two things that always wow me without fail in the Huachuma ecstasy are music and the night time sky. Back at the maloca, Selva prepared a three stage singado: for medicine, love, and protection which involves insufflation of a liquid preparation of Huachuma, Mapacho, Misha, and perfume which is always a tough ceremony, especially for first timers. Everyone got through the three rounds of it which was mighty impressive and something I’d never seen before. We then gathered around the mesa and blew into different pututus while taking turns at the axis mundi with a belt of stones representing unconditional love to light up the seven chakras.

We all blew our hearts out into those musical shells in support of a long life for the person at the head of the mesa. It was a ceremony that once again forged us all into such a tightly knit group. We feasted once again and then went up to the Star Deck to stargaze well late into the night. The spectacular display of stars were so clear and present in the sky while the planets were all ringed like Saturn. I soaked up as much of the energy as I could.

This ceremony felt like the culmination of tantric teachings where I learned when you get into the heart space and harmonize with all the energies in creation you feel a special connection and this is expressed in the passion and lust that all coalesces at one time. It felt like I was making love to nature.

We as thinking human beings vacillate between heaven and hell which I learned is a choice and what Huachuma does as a teacher is it amplifies the state you choose and it continually presents it to you. If you live within your head it is going to take you to hell by increasing negative thoughts, paranoia, and suspicion. All the crap that is going on in the world is going to be accentuated until you either freak out over It or maybe at some point you will realize it’s nuts to think this way and thus learn to not engage the mind as the first go to when you are presented with something that is troubling or something you have to move past.  In addition you are challenged with not immediately going to the worst case scenario or thinking of motives for why you are in a particular situation. The other choice you have is to live within your heart and see the beauty in the world, the beauty in other people, and how we are all connected through this thread of love even though we bury it and don’t see it. All this instead of living these lives of separation which fosters and cultivates this us versus them attitude. When you approach things from the heart you create heaven on earth and it’s the greatest gift that Huachuma gives to those who can navigate and choose to live within the heart. The power of Huachuma as a teacher is the choice always remains yours; it doesn’t force any state upon you. You are not going to drink Huachuma and immediately get there; it’s something that you get hit with over and over again. At times it can be like a gentle feather or at other times it is the school of hard knocks where you are constantly tested. Before you catch onto the method it is difficult and you wonder why you are going through this when you have seen the beauty and you have seen the hell world and you are constantly alternating between the two. If you do it enough times eventually you see it and realize oh yeah it’s me; it’s not the plant medicine. The plant medicine is not taking me to hell; I’m taking myself to hell. So once you get to that stage it’s like aha I figured it out. I find it’s still instructive to engage the mind in Huachuma just so you can see how preposterous it is and then when you move past the block it’s like alright I have to get back to leading with my heart. You look up at the sky, the trees, and realize fuck this is so beautiful! In other people you see the love in and from them and the love you want to give to them and it’s such a gift of divine grace. To get there it takes work however in the end it is all worth it.

My time in the jungle with Huachuma came to an end however off to the Andes mountains I was to go for four more ceremonies with three people from my time at SpiritQuest: Parker, Cain, and Kylie. Having experienced once again the power of Huachuma I was eager to continue my exploration of the energy I had freed through internal acceptance and external expression. The jungle medicine journeys had taught me about acceptance of self and embracing what comes when I potentiate the energy that lies within along with instructing me on finding and staying in that state of bliss I sought, all with the simple admonition to stay within the heart. The message was simple and straightforward but the lessons hit with the weight of a heavy feather wielded by an annoying sibling intent on driving you to distraction. It worked.

Being of eternal service, Huachuma ultimately provides the template for living your life.