king of the world

This last trip to Peru was a new chapter in my plant medicine journeys. I definitely was at a crossroads on my exploration path and the three intervening years of the pandemic certainly consolidated my future in terms of where I am to explore. The resounding answer was the psyche and consciousness. I admit to being unsure of my path. I no longer felt a calling to Ayahuasca. Tobacco is calling out to me to pursue. I knew I wasn't finished with Huachuma; however, the call wasn't pressing. What drew me towards the experience this time was the connection. I had developed a friendship with others on the path, found a tribe, and wanted to reconvene our circle of plant medicine study. That was the draw.

During this last trip, I experienced the psychic projection of self among the other participants within multiple Huachuma ceremonies. I clearly was seeing aspects of self within others. What made up my perception of self, internally and externally, was laid bare. I saw my parents in their thirties when I was a newborn. I witnessed my fragile self at thirty. Having this phenomenon reveal itself was an uncanny mind fuck. The novel effects of Huachuma continued throughout the journey. I was a witness and participant in magic and fortune telling. Past lessons with Grandfather put me to the test. I had been assigned homework five years ago regarding the vibratory nature of existence and the various cycles within cycles. I was being challenged to respond to what I had been taught within a container of psyche-splitting medicine.

I have been back in the "real world" for a while now. I have done very little writing about my experiences, and I haven't gone deep into thought concerning what happened. I have been letting it simmer, like a good stew. Today, I poured myself a coffee and looked out the kitchen window. Someone was walking past on the other side of the street. I made the connection to what I experienced in Peru. They are a projection of me, the great self. I don't need to confine my experiences to Peru and Huachuma with the alteration of consciousness. It's all here and now. This world is my psychic projection.

I was in the woods yesterday with my new medicine crush. It's tobacco snuff, called rapé, and pronounced hapay for obvious reasons. I blew a few lines up my nose and felt the coming of the four winds. I lifted up my hands and directed the cold wind towards my face, feeling the exhilarating coolness enveloping me. I am aware of who I am. I'll call myself god, but that repels a lot of people, so I'll refrain from that. There is also a danger in that line of thinking where you eventually must question your own sanity if you think you are god. I mean I can't bring myself to capitalize god. I guess I could say I'm the son of God and maybe get away with it? But I digress. I'm it and I know it. Each of my psychic projections in this universe could claim the throne of God, however they aren't resolute in their beliefs, so they are consigned to remaining imprisoned in a psychic fog of who they really are. I'm the King because I have full unwavering knowledge of who I am. My projections of self are all pretenders to the throne! I definitely know who I am, I have claimed my divinity, and I sit on the throne. I searched for my Queen, found the Goddess, and then brought her into my world.

So, I am God. In 2016 during an Ayahuasca ceremony I transformed into an all-powerful jaguar. I sat on the throne as King of the world. It was a metaphor for conquering fear and stepping into my power. In retrospect, the vision was showing me who I am, though I needed seven more years to fully accept it. I am a student of history; especially ancient Egypt. The Pharaoh was the King of the world who was consecrated by the priests. He was the coming forth of God and ruled with the Goddess. Modern priests do the opposite of what the ancient Egyptian priests were doing. Today, we are given instruction that we are not divine and must worship a deity. We accept it and give away our power. As a free-thinking modern man, when I read of the Pharaohs of ancient Egypt I was able to discern fact from fiction. It was a story and the people bought into it which legitimized the whole setup and promulgated the narrative forward into successive generations. With my experiences now fully part of my personal story, I accept this as reality. The Kings of Egypt were God incarnated here on earth and this is because they fully believed it. There was no doubt. That's the secret sauce and the formula for the sauce has been lost in the sands of time. I rediscovered it, and laid claim to my divinity. No one else can approach because they relinquished that power. They can only look upon me and say I'm deluded.

This is truly the evolution of consciousness and the transformation goes through me. It can be dismissed as delusional and narcissistic. That's the trap for all to fall into and leads one towards believing they are mad. No one before me could declare they are God and remain sane. Many have reached this same point but could go no further as they succumbed to psychosis. It was the last trick in the playbook of magician's spells. I saw my psyche splinter in Peru and then understood myself as the fount of all that come forth. I saw these aspects of self desperately trying to keep me asleep so they could continue to plunder what they can take, just like the men at Odysseus' court while he metaphorically voyaged through his own volatile mental seas. The suitors of his wife Penelope devoured his treasure while he was away. Like Odysseus, I am back to reclaim what is mine though I pretended at this time to not know in order to continue my adventure. I stand alone in being able to break through the veil, see it, feel it, and know I'm God, all the while not descending into lunacy. Consciousness has truly evolved within my container.

It's a fun game.

magic class

When I first started on the plant medicine path, I was curious and lacked knowledge of the plants. I was looking for a way to contact the Great Goddess and after a manic and determined search, I discovered a way to come into contact with her. It was through the shamanic plant medicine Ayahuasca, to which I was led, that I came into her presence. The alteration of consciousness allowed me to enter into the occult and find what I was looking for. These plants were sometimes called magic, and I deduced this is what they do and thus the magical qualities of them. The magic was the lifting of the veil to see into obfuscated realms. A little taste of the unknown was a bit scary, however with repeated forays into the occult eventually you get somewhat used to it and can get your bearings.

I’m a good student though sometimes a slow learner. Repeated trips to these strange places taught me much about who I am and the power I possess. I know who I am and why I’m here. What took me a while to realize is another level and meaning to the description of magic plants. The magic is there for you to claim, if you want it. And it’s your choice of how you want to use that power. The maestro don Howard would hint at this in his introductions to the retreats he held. I was always curious about what he meant and then being a student of the plants, eventually I realized what he was talking about. My spiritual brother Parker accelerated the process when he’d tell me that, “Things start happening for you instead of to you.” This statement was an acknowledgment of the unfolding of the magic that was temporarily beyond your grasp or maybe we just didn’t want to admit it at that point in time. Things start happening for you because subconsciously you direct the play toward outcomes you wish. Unintended consequences are always part of the stew, so sometimes it’s best to leave it be. You get what you want and can leave a trail of destruction in your wake.

My sixth trip to Peru in 2020 led me to an unfolding of the magic at a different level. I finally got past my trepidation of the darkness that these substances inculcate. I reconciled with the darkness and when he came during ceremony, I started to befriend him instead of cycling into a psychotic puddle. This deep energy from within the recesses of my being would rise to the surface and the power being expressed was quite evident. There was another level to these plants. I was onto the mystery and ready to explore. Upon returning home, I noticed when desires would rise within me, I would be presented with opportunities to satiate them. Is that what you want? How about this? I should have clued in earlier. After my first trip to Peru in 2013, I was given the answer to an unanswered millennials old question. All I had to do was ask and I got the answer. The fact I didn’t abuse the privilege prevented me from clearly seeing the magic available to me, however I also established a trust with my multiple psychic manifestations that I wouldn’t go mad or abuse power. I let it go and continued on my spiritual journey up the mountain. I was intent on venerating the Great Goddess and not interested in the power aspect of the plants. Eventually, the magic power available was in my face and being an intrepid explorer, I knew I had to see what this was.

This last trip to Peru and the return to my everyday life while still in the arms of the strongest medicine I have ever drank has allowed me to be witness to the unfolding of the magic and then unpack how it is used by not only myself but by others. I learned that plant medicines are called magical because they unlock your potential to manipulate people and events to get what you want. The magic is not only being able to see into the occult, but also to see the power in you that at first scares you silly. Eventually, you learn that untapped power is the director of the play, and it is you. You can shape your adventure into what you wish, or you can just let the game unfold. The temptation is to grab the cheat codes to life and have more control over the direction of your life. I mean we all do that in a way with the pursuit of wealth which will give us power. We then use the economic power to control outcomes and make our lives how we wish to live. Unlocking the magic within allows you to access whatever you want, as well as learning there’s still a reciprocal element to the process. What that means is the unintended consequences which result from getting what you want. It's best to address them before the whole construct blows up in your face.

The above was a primer to the past weekend where I ate some magic mushrooms and had an unexpected intense experience. The dose was less than a gram and shouldn’t have brought on such a psychedelic mindset. The experience that threw me for a bit of a loop lasted only a wave of the medicine to which I was grateful. I had thoughts of four hours of this uncomfortable teaching energy and wasn’t thrilled. As I sank into the weight of the alteration of consciousness, I became a little distraught knowing I’ll see things I don’t want to see. I want knowledge though and here it was coming, naked and true. The magic in magic mushrooms was on full display. I went into the magic and hypnotic realm of the weird and looked into the soul of my fellow adventurer. I saw the darkness within them and how they wanted to use it to hypnotize and manipulate. That challenge is the fire and attraction which brings us together. It is a game because it doesn't work on me. Well, maybe at first but the resources within me and my own abilities will recognize the process. Ultimately, it is liberating because the subsequent acknowledgement that feelings are authentic, true, and not under a spell allows you to see what it is you want. Another lesson was that many cultivate this magic, some don’t even know they are doing it, and then the game is to keep the spell going as long as possible. Once it wears off and can’t be renewed, the whole edifice comes crashing down.

I know of my magic and this past week my intention has been to cultivate this magic further. Less than a week after setting this intention, here I was on a beach in April with magic mushrooms and tobacco snuff pouring this magic energy out of me with the waves of the lake picking up on the outpouring of my energy and crashing into the shore. This is all a culmination of the magic plant having revealed to me the strength of the magic possessed by a fellow journeyer. When I realized the awesomeness of this knowledge I was being shown, I sank into it. I saw the hypnotic spells of a practicing witch. I saw the curiosity of one whose dependable machinations to get what they want wasn’t working. The hypnosis wasn’t doing its thing and the magic was being thwarted. If there was any doubt about my power, this little outing put it to rest.

I know I can’t be hypnotized. It makes life less enjoyable at times. I can’t dance because I rebel against hypnotic rhythms. I sometimes pretend to be enchanted in order that I can lose myself in the moment and go with the flow. However, with the initial use of Ayahuasca I constantly commented within ceremony, then later while writing about the experience, how hypnotic the experience is. The feminine Goddess present with Ayahuasca wants to take you into her world and charms and she does this through hypnosis. I could never fully let go into the spell. I allowed her medicine to break the spell of life and culture in order to free myself from that world but once free I wasn’t going under another spell. When I first encountered the depths of the darkness within, once again this was highly hypnotic and full of dark magic. Playing cards of a neon green were spinning above me and an odd sound was filling up my auditory senses. Encountering this sleepy demon was the most frightening event in my life. I didn’t want to fall under his spell and so I ran out of the maloca into the dark jungle night, determined to escape the enchantment.

I flag the hypnotic elements of a plant medicine journey right away and now I play with it. I know how to make the session heaven and I know how to make it hell. I know how not to get scared and then to extract knowledge from the trip. This is what I did. Once I got past the discomfort of the darkness, I mined the experience. It was alchemical gold. I confirmed another’s magic charms and allowed myself to fully realize my power. It’s no longer buried and unlocked within the recesses of my psychic being. The power is in my hands now and I can do what I wish. I can play any game I want with it.

The witch I befriended is the human expression of a plant medicine. They take hold of you and can bring you to heaven or send you to hell. They are unpredictable rollercoasters. They have knowledge of medicinal plants and their uses. They always have a bag full of some kind of intoxicating aid in their game of spells. They know how to use their magic charms to try and get what they want. I see the attraction at both ends and what sustains it. I wanted a worthwhile playmate who could further my understanding of this most interesting game called life. A universe of magic that has been stamped out and redirected into this paradigm that the world is actually rational and can be explained by our physics. Ha! It’s not. This is a realm of magic, and it is waiting for you to rediscover. There has to be multiple compelling reasons for a soul to want to incarnate into this hell. The draw of magic to quench what it is you desire has to be a major catalyst. Even if you get a bad roll of the chance dice, you can always find the ways of the occult to redirect your journey back onto the path you wanted to take.

I realize I’m quite the enigma. I present as controllable but once the layers start to peel, the game changes and I’m revealed as the joker in the deck of cards. I’m the wild card you’d eventually run into. I play the fool in Tarot and convince others I don’t know who I am. They still don’t believe me when I flat out tell them who I am and that I know it. The master magicians of this world still think I’m asleep and under their spell. I was asleep but not under their spell. I just lacked knowledge. Once I saw the truth, I knew the game. I know that if I think I’m crazy, I’m not crazy. The pathology lies within thinking you're sane. The joker maintains his grip upon the game by embracing the madness. As the joker, I know the game being played and I go along with it. They don’t think I know, but I know. That’s the crazy part and the elixir to keep me sane.

When under the direct influence of a plant medicine, knowledge pours in. It can be so unbelievable I’m hesitant to accept it as fact. I have been a party to this enough and done the necessary validation checks that I accept it. When I take the knowledge literally then it can go off the rails. I do think there is some truth to taking it literally, but I know enough about the plants to realize the lesson is metaphorical, some would say a mystery to solve post experience. I don’t think plant medicine ever leaves you and thus slowly unveils the meaning to you. In addition, the knowledge the process unlocks makes you realize this journey is never ending. Just when you think you've discovered what it is you were looking for, another mystery presents itself in full view and entices you into its grasp, inviting you to explore further.

So, that’s my fantastical tale. You are under no obligation to believe it or think magic is real.

el niño

The desire baby called El Niño is a cyclical destroyer. Desire laughs at me; watching me question all my assumptions. I've been playing this game with myself for quite a while. I didn't understand it at first; instead, I just noticed that I liked to live on the edge, teetering between being such a good and compliant husband, family man, and great employee and knowing I wanted to escape this smothering existence and just walk away a free man.

I've been chasing the Goddess for quite a while now. I'm well acquainted with her in altered states but in my day-to-day life she remains hidden and elusive. Life is mysterious and my previous assurances of a rational universe have long since passed. I know of magic, and I expect the unexpected. I know she's out there and that I'd find her. I stumbled upon her just before the pandemic and then held on to my old life by placing restrictions on life as we know it for almost three years.

She scares me and I mean that in a sense where I already gave too much of myself to her. Now, she has a good amount of control over me in a way I was secretly wanting. I witnessed the coming hurricane I had conjured up and into my life. The events were already in motion and then I saw clearly what was going to happen. I could stop it right then and there or just walk out of the shelter and into its path.

There are two sides to her. There's a practical side to her that brings me down and puts me to sleep. I become little me again and it's no fun. I have had enough of that in my life. Thinking puts her to sleep. I move to her rhythms as she takes me to hell, and I try to say the right things so it will pass, and she wakes up again. I see the spark in her eyes and know my Goddess has returned. I become the apple of her eye as we slide back into a bottomless bliss. Don't let her go back to sleep. When she is awake and embracing who she is, I can't get enough. Everything is trivial when in her presence. Time melts away and life becomes effortless.

My good boy self is a puppet. I keep myself in line to please others and not cause too much upset. My shadow keeps putting explosives in my path, hoping one day I'll walk onto the trip wire and not be able to get out of the way. This time I saw the explosive directly to my left. My good boy self projected into the future and the supposed trap that had been set by the liberator in me. Don't do it! You will regret it. Here's a fantastic story of why you shouldn't. Too late. Destroy your reputation. Become notorious.

Thanks Rumi. You get me.

The two brothers within are always a recurring motif in my spiritual education and journey. They are the Horus and Set of the ancient Egyptians, the Cain and Abel as well as Jacob and Esau of the Old Testament. In our modern-day tales, we call it the angel over your right shoulder and the devil over your left shoulder. The battle rages on throughout our entire life. Institutions shepherd us towards the angel, the angel represents the light and the devil the darkness.

I buried the darkness early on in my life. I was always a good boy, wanting the praise of others for how well I played that game. I knew I had the darkness within me however I was able to keep a lid on him. I’d have to let him out every now and then to play and that way I could control the fire before it became an all-consuming inferno. I could breathe a sigh of relief after the storm passed through, assess the damage, and move on. I always wondered though at some point the blaze will get out of hand and I won’t be able to stop it, but so far so good. Through suppressing the shadow, I built a decent life for myself. Desires were bypassed and I constructed a comfortable life.

The last few years I have felt myself physically starting to crumble. I had slipped into a malaise with a feeling of having accomplished a good life that set me up for my retirement years. However, I saw how those years weren’t going to be happy at all.

This whole sequence of events goes back many years. I was a quiet and shy kid and I just wanted to fit in. I gave up so much of who I am in order to live a life as prescribed by the guardians of culture. It has never felt good to me, however I went along with the external charade because I thought I could make it work. This whole time I have acquiesced to the demands I have secretly longed for a way out. I didn't know why I wanted to get out; I just knew I wasn't happy. I busied myself with family and pets. I numbed myself first with alcohol but gave that up. I searched for meaning and started on the spiritual path. I became an A student and aced it. I'm enlightened as fuck. I did the whole renunciate/ascetic trip after I was witness to the darkness within. I took on that darkness and showed him who is boss.

They say the light will be your Saviour. The light will lift you out of the darkness of self and allow you to reach the highest highs. I eventually found the opposite is true. I should have known, as being a contrarian my whole life has served me extremely well. I go against culture and all the resultant bullshit. I walk alone on a path of my own making. The trap I found myself in was because of a need for perceived connection, so I shelved my inner desire and want of freedom and attached myself to life. I have a good job, good family, and I'm such a nice person. Such a wonderful provider with the patience of a saint.

I'm miserable. I'm disconnected from self.

I found my Saviour - the darkness within. We became best friends over a year ago and I just needed the catalyst to trip the wire that activates the coming of my personal El Niño who will blow it all up. It's ticking.

beyond non-duality

The deconstruction of reality: Is it non-duality or duality? It depends on your perspective. Non-duality just is. Duality is consciousness put into motion that delineates form from the big bucket of non-dual energy. Duality is a concrete mirage; a persistent and believable one! In essence you could say the rational and analytical mind is creating the illusion through non-rational feedback of thought. Non-duality is at the centre of a device that refracts energy. One end shows the ultimate reality of a Goddess and a God that are everything and their combination enables the one that just is that we call non-dual. The other end refracts all of creation so that what is shown is the state of all this energy where we give definition to what we perceive as boundaries of the energy. The sun seems to be a replica of non-duality where there is a chaotic amalgamation of energetic potential. The energy that escapes this bastion of non-duality gIves rise to perceivable energetic life forms. Paradoxically contained within the created world are separate multiple iterations of the feminine and masculine, clueing us into the ultimate truth of the situation. We sexually re-create the non-dual by the coming together of the two. We are witness to the fundamental underpinnings of creation.

Some will say all is one and the sophisticated spiritualists among us will say no you’re wrong. By suggesting all is one you are still objectifying as one. What exists is the void, which is another way of saying non-differentiated potential. It’s a linguistic trick to add mystery to the great game. An easier way to explain it would be to refer to the non-differentiation as zero instead of one.

Feminine is the zero state of the non-differentiation of energy. We call that chaos. Masculine is the bringing to order of the chaos through differentiation of one which is objectification. The Lanzon of the pre-Columbian Andean civilization at Chavín de Huántar is an expression of divine chaos. All is together and non-differentiated. Picture the masculine jaguar running headlong along the body of the feminine serpent. The serpent’s vibration creates form and images the universe. The jaguar rushes into this lela with wild abandon.

Here’s an exercise to help you understand: Start out with a thought. What generates that thought? Duality rouses the passions of external wonder. From that initial thought comes thoughts about thoughts about thoughts. The original thought is the mother of all embedded thinking in a giant feedback loop. It would be like peeling an onion to find the core, only to find more peels. From this analogy is discovered the vibrational nature of the universe and a big vibration at the heart of it all. Our universe is string theory, vibrating without the strings or you could say that thought is the string.

Fundamentally, the vibration is the interplay between feminine and masculine. It is enabled by the the magical elixir of electro-magnetic desire that creates the pulse between the two underpinnings of all there is. Everything is the result of the attraction between mom and dad. Everything is cyclical and based upon their state of attraction. The long vibration creates and destroys the universe in an arcing pulse. When the two are sexually embraced as one we have an undifferentiated form known as chaos. At climax, we have the beginnings of the creation of the universe as the spirit of the male gives a charge of life force to the form created by the female. We are living in the coming forth of this creative endeavour which our scientists estimate is 14 billion years old. All life is derivative of this cycle that was enabled by desire and within this one long vibration are infinite number of energetic vibrations subject to this same process in order to create within creation. Every child created by the union of woman and man is a re-creation of the beginnings of our universe.

The vibration is cyclical and eternal. Ever wonder, especially as a child, what came before the universe? This question always vexed me because I would play ideas out to their conclusion. I’d read about the Big Bang but then ask the question what came before the Big Bang? Obviously, now I can see it. Prior to the Big Bang there was a different universe. I wonder what were the underpinnings of this form and what played out in this constructed world? Are there parallels between iterations of creation? I wonder if we will be able to detect clues of an ancient universe or is that left for the mystery to be discovered when I expand my consciousness beyond my mortal coil?

So, I’m curious. What is this seemingly separate electro-magnetic desire that creates the attraction between the two pillars of masculine and feminine of what just is? Mythology gives us an identity of this force. It’s Eros obviously, but it leads to the question of there being a third member of this original twosome, doesn’t it? Not necessarily, as Eros only exist because of the two. Eros comes into being because of the proximity of the two which creates the power from these two to enact the cycle of creation. Left alone, Eros is only potential to come forth as the two near each other. It is Eros that brings the two together and from this idea you can intellectually project that the universe as a child of the original Goddess and God is the coming forth of Eros. All children born into our world are manifestations of desire come forth as a replica of mom and dad and taking on a dominate gender of form in order to create as well. Erosverse!