pariah

Another good word of the day.

Pariah.

Someone who is despised, rejected, and friendless.

I'm not despised.

Well, you are working on that.

You aren't despised because you are a mystery.

Total transparency would help the cause.

Hurt it?

Depends on goals.

Then the word of the day can be ostracized.

What would happen then?

That would be so much happiness you'd explode.

I think that's hyperbole, but I get it.

Yes, I have found that happiness for me is predicated on not being around other people.

That seems to be the genesis of it.

Throughout my life I found ways to be alone.

Even at work I'd try to hide in a room away from others.

You liked the company of a few people.

Getting married and having kids has led to happiness.

True, however, they aren't the reason.

Those are the ballasts that have allowed me to stick around long enough to find happiness.

So, that's it - a game of longevity?

I think so.

I don't think it is a hard and fast rule or requirement.

I think if we are honest with ourselves, we do know what will make us happy.

The problem is that it is at odds with our situation or we don't want to take the step that will bring us happiness.

Why not?

You will disappoint other people.

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

What defines your happiness?

How would you label it?

Being left alone.

Reducing obligations.

Searching for meaning and answers.

Doing my own thing.

Exploring my mind.

Working from home.

Not having to go out into public.

Having a forest to walk in.

Knowing how to cook my favourite foods.

Writing.

Mary Jayne and Tobacco.

Good sleep and naps.

A decent amount of spending money but not being rich.

Helping other people from a distance.

That's the alchemical mixture that discovered my personal happiness.

That would make someone else sad.

They'd want to mix with other people and family.

I know that.

Some people don't want to be left alone.

I sort of get that.

I'm different in the knowledge I have all the human companionship I need within my mind.

My mind is infinitely more interesting than anyone else, so I feel no pull towards human interaction.

I do know the one thing my elixir lacks is a companion, and that's a dog.

A dog is the crowning of my happiness vibe.

Why is that?

A friend.

There's something about friendship.

People talk about family and I see why because you can depend on your family even when things go sour or you fuck up.

You mean your biological family.

Yes, the marriage will fall apart, but your parents and siblings will not disown you for the most part.

Yeah, you are stuck with them.

It's an interesting set up for sure.

A friend is someone you like having around.

That's the reason I have no human friends.

I don't like people around me.

I do like dogs.

They don't demand of me what will annoy me.

Why don't you examine that relationship?

Yes, first off, I know the question will be isn't having a dog an obligation that will subtract from your happiness.

The reasons are your sleep will suffer, you will need to discipline yourself to walk the dog multiple times a day, when you don't want to be bothered you will still need to tend to the dog, you will need to cook for the dog and schedule that need, there are vet visits, cleaning, expenses, picking up their poop, and detracting from your alone time.

Furthermore, you can't disappear into the woods for as long as you do now.

Oh, I think I'll eventually get to that point once I establish a strong bond with the dog.

I'm not too put out by that.

I'll figure it out.

Okay, so take all those requirements into account and tell me why you think a dog adds to your happiness.

They are very appreciative.

They bond with you and love you.

Friendship in that regard is transcendence.

What do you mean?

It's beyond what you put into it.

Then it is not balanced.

Correct, the disturbance and annoyance brings great happiness.

Why?

Balance.

But it's not.

Happiness is a result of your efforts.

Ah.

You find the formula.

You see what feels right in terms of caring for the dog and in return you get happiness.

If you do nothing for the dog, you get nothing in return.

That's the law of do nothing.

Your world seems complicated.

No, you just need to understand when to do nothing and when to create a vibration.

With a dog, I create a vibration which will lead to happiness.

Shouldn't you do nothing?

No, you need to walk and feed the dog at minimum.

Just feed it actually.

Right.

The do nothing axiom would only work in terms of not getting a dog.

However, you miss out on friendship.

Friendship is the crown jewel in life upon happiness.

Not only are you the most high, but you will be the most happy.

That seems even better.

Yes, in terms of playing a game, that's it.

No one reaches this level.

Wow, I'm pretty special.

You sure are, padre.

Is getting a dog part of the game?

It's in the game.

It's not required.

The beauty of the game is that nothing is required.

You don't need to do anything.

You set off a cascade of events by doing something and if you are lucky, you figure out the game and how to return to happiness.

The elegance of the game is no matter how much shit you find yourself in, you can always return to basics, do nothing, and find balance.

Then proceed in the game again.

Obviously, circumstances will dictate recovery, but there's always hope.

Then you fuck up again before you find what it is you are looking for.

Why?

The carnival is distracting.

You need to get off the midway and find peace.

I'm saying you can find happiness at any interval within the game of life.

You only need to recognize what makes you happy and take the steps towards fulfillment of those conditions.

That can be painful.

Yes.

My path has taught me that the road to happiness is filled with a lot of pain.

Pain you will not understand, but a pain that is freeing.

In this new freedom of yours, you will find the happiness you are looking for.

What's next?

You get protective of your happiness.

Why?

People will come to destroy it.

Why?

They don't want you to be happy.

Why?

Envy.

They want your happiness.

What do you do?

Shut up about it.

Yeah, but you are posting about it.

No one reads it.

No one really knows I'm this happy.

Why not?

There's no way you can be happy.

Why not?

You don't have the markers of success in this world.

You aren't rich and successful.

Are rich people happy?

Materially they continually purchase happiness.

They get hits of dopamine from material possessions and wealth.

Nothing lasting.

What do you think of rich people?

They are neurotic and unhappy.

They are rich though.

They spend all their time being rich.

What does that mean?

Making appearances.

Mixing with others who are in the same situation.

Competing for top dog of who is the most wealthy.

Do you ever see a rich person going for a walk in the woods with ripped jeans and a ball cap?

No.

Why not?

It's not the brand.

If you are rich, you can't be alone and find peace.

Ever seen a rich person who is at peace?

No way.

They didn't become rich through peaceful coexistence.

They did something and will need to always be doing something.

Then they worry they will lose their wealth.

They become preoccupied with finding ways to preserve their riches.

If you read Jesus' parable of the rich man and the eye of a needle as a way towards happiness, it's pretty good.

"Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”

In this case the kingdom of God is happiness.

Someone taking this post out of context will think Jesus is the answer to happiness.

If that makes you happy, then go for it.

Do you think religion makes you happy?

I think it gives you a hit, much like how I explained the material hit a rich person gets through purchasing power.

Religion gives you a spiritual hit.

Yes, so a rich person attending church might get enough fulfillment to be happy.

That's an interesting take.

What do you think?

It's fleeting.

Why?

They are both crutches which you rely on.

Left to yourself, the happiness vanishes.

Ah, I see.

External vs internal happiness.

You got it.

Internal you find anywhere.

You aren't dependent on anyone else.

Sure, but you need conditions to be met.

Of course.

Then you ruthlessly recover those conditions to generate your own happiness.

Don't rely on others for happiness.

It will not last.

flow

At the heart of what just is, is vibration. The great vibration in the sky creates all. From one perspective it is everything. Change viewpoints and the vibration becomes the many. As a singularity, it just is. From this comes the two extremes. Goddess and God. Dark and Light. Death and Life. Think of each point as an octave. The sound is perfect, but the interesting part is in the in-between the pure notes. This is the vibration and where creation is present. Within this playground is where we play.

This world is teaching us how to find balance within the polarities. We can't become pure like the points no matter how hard we try. To get to that purity means severing the connection to the other polarity. To become the light means forsaking the darkness. I intuit the answer is found in the reconciliation of all. To take the opposites and move to the centre. In the balance is where to stand on earth.

I asked the Great Goddess to teach me about love. She has shown me possessive love and unconditional love. I realized neither was the answer. Possessive love will imprison those you love and as the jailer you will imprison yourself. Unconditional love leads to being taken advantage of and no one growing from the experience. The answer is found in the middle of the two extremes. I asked the Great God about magic. Eventually was revealed the similarities with love. There's black magic where you get what you want and fulfill all your desires. The opposite white magic is where you unconditionally help others relieve their suffering. The problem with using magic for selfish desires is obvious but why not help people? A couple reasons. You don't know the reasons they incarnated and chose to suffer. The suffering could be leading towards a breakthrough on their part and fulfilling a purpose. Another reason is you don't know what the outcomes or consequences are from the magic. Everything is reconciled so when you create a positive, there must be a negative corollary. You don't know what you have unleashed when you drop a dollop of magic onto the brew of life.

I learned about magic and gained the trust of my benefactors. I'm thoughtful and not careless. I showed I was good for it and soon was given the lesson of loving which led to magic. The smart play is to let it be. Let life flow and react to the curriculum as it comes.

This point was driven home at the same time I was taking stock of my life and who I am. I am comfortable with who I am, and it is at odds with how others perceive me. This is a major psychological crisis most of us face. We build a character that is different from who we are. It's the ego and built by how others perceive us and then we must imprison ourselves in that jail of ego. Spiritual liberation is freeing yourself from those chains. For most of us, myself included, how others perceive us is stifling. This straw man prevents me from living life. I know who I am. I'm a decent person, but no saint. I know what I want and what animates me. I needed to kill myself in order to live as what was suggested to me.

We all are uncomfortable with certain aspects of self. We hide this and try not to think of it. If you regularly participate in the use of psychedelic substances, you will have to recognize and come to terms with all aspects of self. Confrontation awaits. I know how I suck as a human being. I used to want to be perfect and keep my construction project of self, called the ego, nice and shiny. Any revealed stain on my character I needed to hide to maintain appearances. Eventually in life this becomes constrictive. You are leading a life that is a lie. What is better? Bowing to the pressures of others and living a life of frustration or letting it go and being true to yourself? I have plumbed the depths of self and know who I am, what I want, and what lights me up. I have gravitated towards fulfillment of these ideals while realizing it is culturally out of bounds. I am a disappointment and I'm happy to be a failure. I see freedom in being a screw up.

I have lately embraced Apollo. I mocked him for a while because he was the part of me who while being brilliant also was concerned with appearances. This Apollo polarity of me is the one who came forth for most of this lifetime in the eyes of others. My parents mostly saw this part of me, and it made them happy to see their son successful and well-adjusted. My workplace gets a huge does of this sugar. My family I live with of course sees this but also sees the unhappiness. I can't hide that. In my distaste of this guy, I saw the good that comes from him. I shine so brightly. I can figure anything out. That's to be celebrated and not haphazardly thrown to the curb.

I've been letting go of the reigns and letting the buried part of my nature come to the fore. I can see it in my behaviour that I have been successful in finding a balance between my two natures. The darkness within is tempered by the light. It's the optimum condition for the human and through this balance, peace is found. The lesson of the octave comes into play here. Each of the touchstone tones of dark and light, which I call Dionysos and Apollo, are pure in vibration, however a little much if the note is held too long. The decay of each makes the purity tolerable. If I become too much of either, I'm a little much. I like to visit each polarity and spend some time lost in the richness of each pure note. It's a great thrill to be at the top of the track before the descent of the rollercoaster and then to embrace the bottom and propel yourself back to the top. The in-between is life, and the experience is what is memorable. So, for most of my life I went out into public while at the top of the rollercoaster. I waited for the dark to literally descend before allowing my opposite to come out of his cage under the veil of night. I maintained this facade for over 50 years before the cracks in the edifice went beyond repair. I now look forward to a life of disappointing others.

I'm looking forward to multiple people saying they are disappointed in me. With this I'll know I have done what I needed to do. In truth, they will only be disappointed to learn that the puppet strings snapped. I'm not living towards some ideal of who I should be, I'm just being me. Just being me will lead to a lot of upset. I'll just be free and go with the flow.

cycles of consciousness

I notice how my everyday consciousness drifts in and out of the good and bad boy self. One moment I want to be of service for the good of all and the next I want to fulfill the latest desire that has come my way. This had been a lifelong struggle and the reason for the difficulty is the failure to accept my two natures. I put forth my good self in life and my interactions with others. When I escape from that existence then I can reconnect with what I have buried. I sometimes get my fill of that guy and then can continue with the charade. When I can get out in the woods all alone, I find peace. The peace is not having to pretend I'm this person or having to satiate the demands of my shadow. I just am.

I know about the need for balance and do realize it's what we all seek in order to find that elusive peace in this lifetime before death comes to our door and we are forced to rest in peace. Such an apt description we have of the dead. The struggle is over, and they can finally get some rest. Ha ha. I have been looking for answers and the answer led me back to vibration. The world is made of these cycles of vibration and thus if we look hard enough, we will see our dual nature and how consciousness fluctuates between the two peaks of the vibrational cycle. Because we are deluded into believing we are insignificant, we buy into the idea that we aren't all that special. If the split in the essence of self is discovered, it can be fun to play with if at first you don't succumb to madness when you realize by medical standards you are mentally ill. I think I'm okay; I mean I can function fine in culture even knowing that the other half of me isn't buried anymore. That's the essence of psychological treatments and medicines, right? They are designed to dull the mind and hypnotize you back into thinking you are just little old you. Then you can get through life with less upset. So, I'm way past that and see through culture. I can feel the hypnotic hold of culture and the efforts of society at large to assimilate me and make me a puppet of the established order. My contrarian nature always shielded me from believing the drivel coming out of the mainstream and then psychedelics emboldened me to find my own path away from the stultifying effects of the herd.

Okay, so I know of the two and the kicker is when I went to Peru last January and really did a number on my psyche. I got to the point where I would fluctuate between little old me with my own set of problems and becoming the all. But the god I became had the same set of vibrational cycles ruling his world. I'd leave Paul and become God. Then God would alternate between good God and bad God. God and the Devil. It seemed they were the same. The effects were so pronounced at this energetic hotspot called Chavín de Huantar that I'd slip into God consciousness, see the future about to unfold, and then find myself back in my limited consciousness trying to make heads or tails of the situation while the plant medicine Huachuma was coursing through my veins. At the same time, I'd see the Goddess and then she would become all too human. Then back to Goddess mode. Back and forth. That day was the biggest mind fuck I had ever experienced where in God mode I could see it all and then it would throw me back down into human mode and I'd get uneasy about what I just saw. Huachuma potentiates the changing of cycles, and you weave in and out of different states of being. The last ceremony I tried my hardest to stay in the higher consciousness mode but eventually I came down. It's the demands of this human body that sends out the reminder.

It must be this way. At the time I had no idea what was going on. I just tried to stay with it while realizing I'd bitten off a big chunk of consciousness and a weaker me would run for the hills. Instead, I focused on remaining whole while cycling through modes of consciousness. After coming back home I just let it be for a few months until now when I have been revisiting and reliving the experiences. I'm starting to mine them for the alchemical gold, and it is rewarding me. I've discovered the magic of setting an intention and asking for answers. My psychic self wants me to get the answers, so all I have to do is ask. I like to think I have stumbled on my purpose and unlocked the potential within to fulfill what it is I came to this place for. Now that I walk the path with blinders off, whatever it is I want I get the opportunity to experience.

I forget who I am all the time. I get down and worry about the future. I vacillate between good boy/bad boy. Now, I also head upwards, become God, and see the light and the dark in this mode of consciousness as well. I become a beneficent King and then a mischievous demon weaving magic spells to keep the drama interesting. Soon, I am back to my insignificant self, wondering if things are going to work out. I was just omnipotent and now I am asleep again riding this wave until the next tsunami hits and takes me back to the all.

You must choose. Am I going to be poor little me who doesn't know the definitive answers to anything or am I going to accept who I am and that I know everything? Who am I going to finally become? Along the same lines you can see how intuition works where there's a part of you that knows everything, and you just constantly deny it. A byproduct of the denial are these little rumblings that come up telling you what you want to know or showing the truth and you confuse it with what the projection of your small self wants it to be. Then there is a conflict between what you know and what you are thinking you might know. This invokes uncertainty, a little paranoia, and then it all turns to shit.

peace pipe

Tobacco is a lifelong continuing education program in which the understanding of concurrent events in your life lead you towards connecting the knowledge back to what tobacco has been teaching you. I was exposed to Mapacho tobacco in 2013 but at the time had no interest in it and left its use into the hands of the shaman. Upon first use of tobacco in 2015 in the jungle, I noticed its calming effects despite the slight nausea I got from the novel experience. Later that same retreat, I found the more exposed I was to it, the more I was repulsed by the smell which curiously followed the trajectory of drinking Ayahuasca. In a cycle of work with Ayahuasca, I find I am done with it after the fourth round of drinking for the primary reason it is disgusting and hard to stomach. My relationship with tobacco changed in 2016 when after the requisite repulsion, I found it was calming to smoke after drinking a cup of Huachuma. Things really changed when in the final ceremony I witnessed the Maestro don Howard on the star deck at SpiritQuest perform this masterpiece of a ceremony with the manipulation of tobacco smoke being the star of the show. When given the opportunity to join in, I eagerly lit up my puro and ended up smoking two cigars in short order. Being a novice consumer of this potent jungle tobacco, soon my body was convulsing with the power unlocked by the properties of tobacco. I ended up being pinned to the ground with my lips pressed against the earth hoping the coursing power would soon dissipate. The experience was transformative and when I left the jungle that year I brought with me a bunch of the jungle tobacco and so began my education while integrating my lessons at home.

I am of the inquisitive and curious bent so it wasn't long before I began to examine and record the effects of tobacco after sitting with him on a nightly basis. Tobacco would take you to this tipping point where you are on the precipice of the oncoming rush and then whoosh the intoxication would overtake and possess you. At this point, I'd have to ride out the storm. If I was standing when he hit, I would be forced into a sitting position because of the intensity. I soon deduced this was central nervous system agitation and over time I built up a tolerance which would require more than one cigar in order to reach the heights I had previously felt. The strange thing about the experience was that after the rush of the oncoming freight train had passed there would be this incredible feeling of peace and calmness. Tobacco was teaching me. What a wonderful gift this tobacco where you can feel a surge of power followed by peacefulness.

What I described was five years ago and I have not stopped exploring the power of tobacco. Tobacco activates the power, strength, and protection within and nightly I spend time in communion with my friend before coming before my Mesa, this construct I affectionately call the "Mesa of Power" because the tobacco moves through me in conjunction with ceremonially lighting up my Mesa. I invite the maestro in and tremble as the power courses throughout my body.

I recently tried magic mushrooms for the first time in my life and the central theme of the experience was power. My shadow is power and I have the antidote to this surge in being able to radiate peace. At the same time, the juice I need to propel myself forward in life comes from my shadow. My shadow tells me the constant power drives him mad. I know my peacefulness will cause me to fade away without my friend. A few days afterwards I was out in the woods and as always took some tobacco with me and had a smoke out at one of my favourite spots. I took the time to feel the onset of power and connected it to my shadow. I let him take me over and my body started trembling uncontrollably. I just gave in to the tremors rippling through my body, allowing my shadow to demonstrate to me on a smaller scale what he is feeling. I get it. The power is awesome and here I was literally enthralled with it but I did realize I couldn't function in that state. It is fun to visit but a method is needed to express the power and let go. He doesn't have that. As I let the power rage and then fade away, I returned to a heightened state of peace. I took a deep breath and I understood.

Soon afterwards, there was a power outage in my neighbourhood due to high winds which lasted for sixteen hours. What an inconvenience to be without electrical power. As with most of my life now, this event was actually another teaching moment and due to my heightened sense of awareness, I easily connected the dots. You know what I did after the power went out and I completed my chores for the day? I went to bed. I took the opportunity to peacefully rest. I got up to eat and feed the dog but soon I laid down once again. Without power, I am content to just go to sleep with a longing to just rest in peace. The connection to the syllabus unfolding within my life is obvious. I need power or I'll fade away and conversely my shadow needs me to consume the power so he can find peace.

Now that I understand I know I can help. I have transformed into a warrior. I am a worthy opponent to my shadow self. He is the epitome of power and that power corrupts all it touches. He has tempted me with it but I learned the lessons of my life from icons of liberty and the admonitions of don Howard, who warned me of this very thing, and I took all the lessons to heart. I'm a good student. I could grab the ring and rule over all. My shadow has tested me out many times, beaten me into a pulp, placed before me the fulfillment of what it is I desire but I've let it all pass. I'm sure we all have our breaking point; I'm no saint but he knows my intentions. Through his teachings, I transformed into the hero and completed the quest. I have become the man he needed me to become. I'm his adversary and the medicine that will allow him to let go and finally find peace. I found the confirmation of this gambit through my friend tobacco. I know I can give him the peace he seeks. He can trust me not to take and abuse his power. The constant tests have demonstrated I'm good for it. He transformed me and now it's my turn in reciprocity to transform him.

What an exquisite game.

first magic mushroom trip report or "would you just shut up, I'm tired, and want to go to bed"

For my first mushroom experience, I picked the night of the crossroads; an homage to the magic of the Greek Goddess Hecate and the tri-fold nature of the moon. I chewed 2 grams of dried mushrooms as the midnight hour came and went while I turned 54. I had read the mushrooms don't taste all that great and people have different strategies of mitigating the chewing and swallowing. So, with a little uneasiness I bit into the mushroom and took the head and half a stem into my mouth. They were mild and tasted like a mushroom. Really, this is a problem for people? Ayahuasca is disgusting; Huachuma is slimy and gross though a bit easier to drink than Ayahuasca. Peyote tea is earthy, strong, and so tough on the stomach; therefore, you can only drink a tablespoon of the decoction at a time. Shrooms are a walk in the park. I thought well, that was easy as I chewed and swallowed the rest. I felt peaceful. I should mention I bought a Tarot deck a few weeks ago and have been doing readings on myself. The process is hauntingly accurate and I pulled a card earlier in the day to make sure my plan of a consciousness journey that night was an auspicious choice. I pulled a reversed 10 of swords. The image is of a dead man with ten swords in his back but the fact it was upside down suggested rebirth and regeneration as the knives of culture are removed and I re-awaken to the truth of this whole strange game. It is knowledge I seek and this reassured me of a worthwhile endeavour as opposed to a trippy carnival of shiny happy people and funny shapes. I wasn't interested in the funhouse aspect of a mushroom trip but rather, as per usual, I wanted introspection and a dive into the deep end.

You know, I started with 2 grams because the literature said it's enough to have a psychedelic experience without going too far and losing your grip. Since I have dozens of trips behind me, this seemed like a good jumping off point with the intention future trips I'll adjust dosage as per experience. My expectations were the effects would come on after 40 minutes to an hour; so, I completed my nightly rituals and then sat in quiet meditation, lotus style, while listening to the music of the visionary artist Anilah. When Anilah sang "Warriors live gracefully" I felt the tingles throughout my body and they stayed like a prolonged orgasm we wish we could all have. From then on I was immersed in the intoxication. The first alteration of perception I took note of was that she started to sound much younger, going from a heavy deeper voice to a purer and more youthful vibe. I noticed a spatial separation of instruments where instead of the music being a harmonic combination of all the instruments they were delineated which made them sound less impressive. The sum of the parts is truly greater than each individual. Certainly before 40 minutes, my vision started breaking apart as I looked at my jaguar tapestry and it became more defined before starting to change shape and colour, becoming more desaturated. Within no time I felt the familiar hypnotic pull of the intoxication. When I intuited the presence of my shadow I felt there was the all too familiar attempt at possession; he wants control over me. It's the strong hypnotic pull of both the visuals and the pulsing strength of the medicine that is trying to put me into a trance. I have mapped out this part of the alteration of consciousness journey so it's expected. The elapsed time seemed to mimic the onset of Ayahuasca I have experienced multiple times. In fact, the visions and hypnagogic strobing were the exact same as I initially encounter with Ayahuasca. Without prior experience, I'd have internally flagged this as the beginning of a bad trip due to irrational fear and things would spiral out from there. But here I am, over eight years later, welcoming my old friend tryptamine back to the party. That's where I am now in this life journey. I know too much. Alright, we are going to do this. The intoxication was strong and I was glad I held at 2 grams. Imagine if I had taken 5 grams ala Terence McKenna? I remembered the lessons of heaven and hell from the teachings of the great Huachumeros and having to steer my ship through the rough waters as I faced what is called ego dissolution. I'm a veteran of this nonsense as I felt the disdain of culture and the hatred of those who cannot control me fall away. I held on to the wheel and kept this ship on the straight and narrow as the visions and uneasiness increased. I reasoned that if I get past these rough waters then it's exploration time!

The experience was hyper-cyclical in that the intoxication would come on strong in waves, at time squeezing my innards like it was trying to take something from me. Subsequently, I would be released, feel free, and think the power games were over only to once again resume. I would slump over the side of my oversized chair resigned to riding out this phase of the experience. Then would come the threats of now I got you and I could kill you. It's getting old hat. I remembered I was responsible for my mind state and knew ultimately it was I who was in the driver's seat. This allowed me to endure just how intense and powerful everything that I was feeling and not flip out about it. If I was a novice I would have been scared and ran to who knows where? Soon afterwards, I'd close my eyes and the visions were classically psychedelic in that they were just kaleidoscopic undulating patterns. At one point, they turned into large grey mechanical objects that were filling up the room I was in. Opening my eyes easily released me from the visions and allowed me to get an understanding of the strange and powerful hypnotic nature of substances related to tryptamines. For instance, the large jaguar tapestry I was looking at would be transforming into different shades of colour, the contours of the design would become sharper, and then the image would return to normal. My body naturally is trying to return to a default state while being flooded with chemicals that are causing the altered reality and this seems to create the rhythm that I define as hypnotic.

I'm hyper-aware of attempts to hypnotize. It's why I have a hard time with life, culture, and salespeople lol. I see through the bullshit. I'll go along with it for a while but eventually will have to take my leave. I'm not complaining as I prefer it this way. I mean it's the you do you and I'll do me philosophy. I'll be here when you awaken from the hypnosis but do not expect me to participate.

The ego dissolution process of the mushroom laid bare the split of me and my shadow. There was no happy time to be gleaned tonight from the magic mushroom. Instead, my shadow was revealing himself fully to me. He created the world to get my attention and approval. I said you don't have to do that, I love and respect you. My shadow, the magician par excellence, uses magic and control to try and win favour with me. There's a child-like psychological need for recognition. On the other hand, I just want to be left alone. I escape to the forest with my dog and people still seek me out. They want me to tell them what's wrong with them. I have such clarity so I tell them. Neurotics are attracted to me because I'm so inviting and charming. I will solve their problems or at least tell them what's wrong. My calmness soothes their tortured soul. I'm the antidote to my shadow's neurosis.

The intoxication wouldn't let up. I was like okay great, I get it - tryptamine based substances break down the veil between me and my shadow and then I have to put up with his ramblings.

I had a deep dive into something I have been slowly realizing over the past couple of months. Psychologists are attracted to the field of psychology because they are the most impacted by mind states and seek to understand why they are the way they are. Psychologists become psychologists because they need someone to talk to. The people most in need of psychotherapy in our culture are therapists. They want to lay their trip on someone else and project their pathology onto the other and try and figure out why they are so fucked up. Take Jordan Peterson for example. He is one of the most brilliant minds on this planet and the lightweights that go up against him are easily dispatched. However, it's clear he has many demons and recent history bears witness to this as his shadow, which gives him this strength of mind, tried to snuff him out. He turned to the psychiatrist's tool box of drugs to try and quell the demon within but in turn he almost died from the addiction. I don't know if he has reconciled with his shadow; however, if he wants to talk I'm here.

I think the musical genius Anilah wrote her music under the influence of psilocybin. The rhythm and vibes are syncing up perfectly with the pull of the shadow. Next up is Nahko. He succumbed to the trappings of power. The rumours, the deviant behaviour, and the hidden rage that follows people around are clues to what they chose when offered power. Hey we are human; let's forgive. Ah Trevor! Love this man. Trevor Hall is a saint. He was offered the power along with fame and fortune and he stayed on my path, not succumbing to the pull.

My dog is my rock. She appeared when I needed some comfort and a connection back to reality, at first knowing to just let me be. The intoxication wore off a bit. Fuck this. I'm going to bed. Turned off the stupid music and laid down. He wants to talk. Oh, for fuck sake. I want to sleep. You ruined my night. I'm done with the tryptamines. What a headache. I got to listen to this nut job go on and on about his sad predicament. Oh, poor me. Whatever. I've told you the way out. I love you. I'm giving you a 50/50 split. You want to sleep on it? He tells me I always complain about this exact scenario where I want to gather my wits about me during these trips and explore so now is the chance. True. I'm in the intoxication, annoyed by it, but I should explore. And explore I did! I think I figured out life. Ha ha. No, seriously.

Power without its opposite is too much. It needs to pulse on and off or it will drive you insane. Power makes you mad. Literally. The amount of power coursing through your veins drives you insane and the outlet is to continually create and destroy. My shadow seeks approval; I guess you could say love. I dispassionately follow all his endeavours and offer peace. I'm the calm one and I can enchant and soothe. He needs me but doesn't want to give up the power. But it's driving him mad. I will give him the keys to the car and share the throne of self but instead we keep playing this possession game.

Overall, the word that comes to me is peace. The mushroom lifts the veil between me and my shadow. We are one, living within this conscious body as provided by the Goddess. The mushroom, for me anyway, allows for a one on one with my shadow without the presence of the Goddess. The Ayahuasca experience retains the connection to the feminine. The confrontation with my shadow is what I asked for and I was ready despite my initial dispassionate response. I wasn't scared; rather, I was annoyed. I wanted to go to sleep and he wanted to talk. He wanted a hug and to be told he is loved and respected as well as forgiven. I get it. He told me he created the whole universe and this world just for attention. He was seeking approval. I told him he doesn't have to do this. I will always love him and there will always be a place at the table for him.

I have physically felt the manifestation of power he is talking about. He explains imagine that feeling 24/7. Holy fuck man, no wonder you rage and are mad. He goes about creating and destroying to try and abate the madness. It's clear I'm the antidote he seeks. I'm unbelievably calm to the point of not caring about life. My voice and demeanour are enchanting and in truth I'm the hypnotist. I calm the tortured soul. That's my magical power. I know that's why I attract people and can charm them with my vibe. They want to exhale and I give them permission to do so.

I get it. My shadow lashes out at me. Calls me names and does things to try and make me feel like shit so I'll seek out his help to get revenge. Nah, just leave me be. Unleash your shit storm. I'll clean it up. Then leave me alone. You never leave me alone! You call mom names as well and lock her up. I'll wait. I'm always here. You create these worlds and I come along and make the best of it. You create these amazing technological wonders to enchant and delight and then frustratingly I find a dog, a piece of forest, and live my quiet life that way while you work out your issues. I'm so unappreciative of your ability to materially manifest anything you choose. But really, I am impressed. It's spectacular but ultimately, I want peace.

I'm intrigued by the magical power of my shadow. It's very amusing and adds spice to life. That's my problem. If left to my own devices, I'll withdraw and go live in a cabin in the woods with my dog; content to live out my life that way. I won't engage. My shadow gives me the juice to seek out my fellow game players and see if I can make a difference. You know, use my power for good. This tendency to withdraw creates the problem where my shadow acts out to get my attention.

I have the elixir that will bring peace to my shadow. I know this; he knows this. The problem is he has to give up power and control or at least temper the current and learn to exist in harmony with all. I asked him how much longer do you want to be driven to the edge of madness with no escape? You've tried suicide. You have tried killing the other. I only return. You have raged at the Goddess. Whatever you do, the result is the same and you exude this power load that continually drives you mad. What you haven't tried is harmony and reconciliation within the heart space. The balance I remind you of every night. This is the reason I acquiesced and used these mind-altering substances in the first place. I went the way into the inner sanctum and all its pitfalls, bullshit, and traps to wake myself up, do the hero's journey, complete the quest, and then be left wondering what is this all about? I eventually saw it. I saw how my polar opposites enable creation through objectification and awareness of the split and my extremes are responsible for all the suffering in the world. The ultimate gambit worked where this process of self-reflection called the universe allows me to look at myself, see my failures, and then use this opportunity to understand self to figure out how I'm going to solve the problem of self. The Goddess gave me the answer. The seven-fold chakra system gave me the answer. The stone idol at Chavín de Huántar gave me the answer. Don Howard gave me the answer. The axis mundi stares me in the face until it's undeniable. The answer is found in balance and reconciliation. To mediate all extremes into the centre. The midpoint. The fourth chakra. The heart. The extremes of the shadow's darkness go to centre while you see the quest of enlightenment is fool's gold. At Chavín, the rivers Mosna and Huachecsa flow into the middle of the valley plain and the lanzon is placed in the centre of centres to continually remind all who understand that the answer to the riddle of the game of life is to find balance within oneself and then reconcile all to centre to be one once again with mom and dad - serpent and jaguar.

I'm so small ha ha. Look at me! You're everything. All of creation is powered by you and the spirit of your life force. I'm just a tiny little fuck but you need me and I need you. I need my shadow and he needs me. Without him, I'll just go to sleep and fade away. Without me, there's no hope for him. Permanent insanity. I have flipped the tables on him. When I started on this journey of discovery, he tried to enslave me. He wanted me to sign my life away to him. He offered me the power and all the glory I wanted. He wanted to capture my balancing power to soothe his troubled mind and calm his tortured soul. I turned him down, went on a journey of discovery, found the answers, and well here we are. Now, I know the game and know what he needs. I'm here to offer love and balance. It's freely offered with no expectations.

My shadow is asking for my help. I know that's why he keeps leading me towards methods of consciousness exploration. It's why he goes out of his way to give me gifts and tries to make me happy. I've witnessed his magic over and over again. I marvel at his power. I need to reciprocate.

Damn it - I so love the insights from the psychedelic journey, especially after I use a day to recover. The first day is a bit of a write-off because I'm exhausted. I tried to write some stuff down the next morning however the following day the revelations started to flow and I was musing, "crap I learned so much I'll probably have to do this again even though at the time of the experience I was like I'm done with this." While I was tripping I was telling my shadow you always find a way to trick me and get me to take some substance that brings me back into direct contact with you. With mushrooms, I was like I'm going to try them because it will be a great experience, and I'll feel this great connection with all and so much love, and then a half hour into it I'm like ah fuck you're back, here with me again, and I have to deal with you and your bullshit. You always figure out a fucking way that entices me into doing something consciousness altering and then you're in my face. It's the same situation if for instance I ever do the toad medicine Bufo, I'll be like oh, I want to try that, I'll get so much enlightenment from it and then as soon as I hit that fucking pipe you'd be fucking there and I'd be like ah fuck leave me alone. It's non-stop. You always figure out a way. Next, you'll get my friends to tell me I should try ketamine, ketamine's the shit man; then I'd try it and I'd be like goddamn it, there you are again.

Well, my immediate reaction to mushrooms after the experience was I don't want to do that again. The chief reason was I'm getting old and I value my bedtime! Fuck that's funny. Seriously, I was like alright leave me alone so I can sleep. When the clock advanced past 5 am I was like ok we're done now. I'm going to sleep. I'll probably do them again at some point. The day after was kind of tough, similar to Ayahuasca where you are just drained. There's always a smaller dose but I don't think that's what I'm after. The trivial isn't enough to get me to do this again. If I intuit a breakthrough in my relationship with my shadow then I'll enter into the intoxication and see what's up.

I kind of feel the same way about Ayahuasca. It's the tryptamine trip that I'm no longer keen on. I'm good with Huachuma; there's no tryptamines with that journey. I can do that. There's ego dissolution and a lifting of the veil but without the hypno-visions.

What about tobacco? It's a connection to the power so there's an outlet for the coursing internal source. I had questions about tobacco. I didn't get clear answers. Well, I got the answer that the power I feel when smoking is the effluence of the Goddess which is him. It's a way to connect. I wanted to know of my future studying tobacco and becoming a tabaquero. There's a strong relationship with power and tobacco. I think the path is to take the power and put it to use in service to heal. I think that's the path forward as I see it.

Okay, so even though I may be painting a picture of my shadow as this fucked up and neurotic needy part of me, in all due respect he is the maestro. He taught me to be a warrior. He gave me the strength I needed to vanquish my enemies plus my fears. These teachings that transformed me were then used reciprocally by my shadow to enact his transformation. He could have rubbed me out and I'm so passive I would have gone to my grave; however, he taught me how to fight and I think ultimately, he wants to change. Having a worthy adversary was the most important thing. That's why he did everything for me and why he wanted me to become a warrior. He needed someone to fight him and lead him to the light. That's what I'm doing.

I love my shadow. I always will and will always hold open the offer of reconciliation when he is ready to transform. You don't have to rage anymore. I got your back. We're brothers. I love you.

voiding the warranty

I think taking a psychedelic probably voids the warranty on life in our society.

Psychedelics have vast potential to expand the human mind. At first use, I wasn’t ready for it and it red-lined my mind. The fear of what I had discovered was difficult to accept and transcend as culture had spent a lifetime putting one over on me. Once I discarded the fear, the growth of my mental capacities increased exponentially. So much so, I clearly notice it. Age has slowed me down but the difference in mental clarity and perception has made up for it and although I may not have the raw energy and processing speed of youth, the acquisition of a 360 degree mind is incredible. A valid comparison would be the wide angled lens of a camera that allows the image plane to see and record more of its surroundings as opposed to a long lens that is limited in scope. The expansion of consciousness through responsible and impeccable use of plant medicines, allows for a widening perspective of knowledge that in turns allows you to synthesize what you know with new acquisitions of knowledge. This leads to an eventual greater understanding. In time, you develop such an expanded base of understanding that you can easily apply it towards all subjects.

Sound is only sound because we use our ears as instruments that convert certain frequencies into what we perceive as sound. Same goes for the eyes and vision. So, take this idea further and think of the concept of not having any senses or peripherals to convert the energy. Everything just becomes vibration as an informational structure either waiting to be decoded or perhaps being able to be sensed by yourself free of the limitations of the body. Therefore, it is us who really brings this whole construct into order by perceiving it as such and subsequently objectifying the energy patterns we perceive. We then act upon this knowledge. This is also the illusion that imprisons us.

Further ruminating on the concept of vibration: To rest in peace is imperceptible vibration. It means to stop perceiving the vibrations as objects and to just let them flow. The opposite of rest would be a brilliant white light of wide open perception followed again by the darkest dark. The in-between state is the act of becoming on the rise. The descent is a return to the vibrational depths where we let go of our senses. What is it that we seek - becoming what? Peace or Enlightenment? We can find glimpses of both within the body construct which can host extremes of our multi-vibrational forms. We are always becoming. The vast potential lies within the darkness and it's not all bad despite fears to the contrary. Everything that becomes has as its beginnings the cauldron of ideas waiting to be stirred by the existential ladle of consciousness. We are big balls of light energy, lit up by desire; a desire fuelled by consciousness that in default mode objectifies. When you feel it within that you as defined by your energy will rise again, because it is all cyclical, then you can start to discard fear. This is the symbolism: Breathe in and you manifest in the physical world and become someone as form. Breathe out and you rejoin the world of spirit minus the form of a body.

Each instance of this consciousness creates a reality. Every conscious form is an axis mundi that creates reality from its perspective and thus as a whole, consciousness has infinite eyes peering into the nature of the grand self. Everyone’s perception of reality is a little different but given that we all lock to the same frequency, at least in our social circles, we manifest the same reality. Different cultures will lock to different vibrational modalities and therefore will manifest a civilization that differs from the one we are accustomed to. The spectrum is pretty tight, therefore we can co-exist effortlessly within other societies' reality and many of us get sucked quite easily into other people’s worlds. We are all bombarded by the mainstream media and advertisers daily, who are pushing their brand of reality in order to hypnotize and trap us into their frequency with the intent of taking advantage of how easily we migrate from one mind control to the next. Its tentacles reach out for our minds to try and drag us into the quagmire. For the most part, human minds are in search of novelty so the capture of the mind doesn’t last long as we all eventually succumb to attention deficit disorder. Unfortunately for some, the hypnosis can last a lifetime. We do have a choice in how and what defines the reality we are creating. Different frequencies of vibration allow you to alter your consciousness and your perceptions.

This is both a blessing and a curse. Creation is fuelled by desire and us wanting to continue to manifest to taste the new scenarios we concoct in our minds and the chase for the thrill of it. Desire keeps the wheel turning and allows us to continually examine the problem of self. Our fatal flaw is we always get caught up in the drama and forget who we are which fuels the anxiety and depression that are keystones of our existence. Once again, without the amnesia the game loses its lustre. When you wake up and see what’s going on, the game stays fresh because everyone else is still asleep and running around like it matters. It’s very easy to re-enter the game and play along with the knowledge that it is all going to work out.

If we subconsciously know of the suffering that duality entails then why are we attracted to it? It’s for the adventure and having a playmate. Something external to the self that you can love and even hate. There is nothing more rewarding in the universe than love. Duality presents unfavourable conditions to love with the gamble that all can go horribly wrong. The way out is love and is teaching us the answer to all of life’s vexing questions. Duality is made up of conditions where we constantly have to choose and this leads to the need to act unconditionally. It brings to the forefront the question of what exactly is it to be free? No conditions and no coercion, whether that is coming from external actors or internal desires. What is the highest love we strive for? It’s unconditional love; in essence free love. What’s my biggest regret so far in life? That I didn’t love more.

Liberation is to be free from conditions and desire. It involves self-mastery where you are in charge - not desire, culture, or any external actor. It’s a great gift to give yourself and it is the root of all becoming. To attempt to become ultra-spiritual, holy, enlightened, or whatever you want to call it without first mastering your own bad self, will lead to frustration and inner doubts fuelled by what a hypocrite you are. Climbing the spiritual mountain as an ascetic or a renunciate of the passions of life puts you in denial and eventually there will be a reckoning if you do not first run out the clock and avoid the confrontation. The only way out is to go on through. Head into the darkness and embrace all your passions, desires, kinks, worries, fears, and all that you bury. They are ideas that have somehow taken hold of you and won’t let go, as I said we are easily hypnotized into disparate siren songs of behaviours. Smash through theIr grasp and then see how easily you can move from desire to desire. Eventually, you will see how each one irrationally takes hold of you and the damage it causes to your life. Having desires is perfectly normal; beholden to their grasp is not. Life class involves self-mastery and it is through learning to master your desires you become free. When you destroy the power that the desire demons hold over you then you are liberated and may embark on whatever path you choose, knowing full well that you are acting unconditionally.