reality

If you die, do you even know it?

I would think not.

You would perish.

You might know you are dying, however at the moment of death the mind picks up the story if you want and continues on.

If you have unfulfilled desires, then you will respawn in place.

That certainly goes with game theory.

The mind is incredible.

Yes, this world is all in your mind.

It feels real.

That's how you know it is not real.

If it feels real, it isn't.

That's absurd.

I know and I haven't been high for six days and counting.

I can see instances of near death experiences in my life.

The world I perceive carried on like nothing happened.

I can picture these events.

They happened.

There are multiple realities.

Yes.

You exit each reality until you find your own.

In each reality, each game player is trying to suck you into their world.

They want to control reality.

This is my reality.

Yes.

That's what others are trying to capture from you.

Your reality.

This seems like science fiction.

It's a great story.

So, you keep moving between realities.

They can't find you.

I'm in my own world.

They don't know where it is.

They are searching for you.

Psychedelics allow you to take back control of your own reality.

Then you become an outlaw in society.

Right.

When you wake up then you leave the current reality and create a new reality.

Your mind continues the story on your terms.

You let the story be.

You can't control everything.

If you look hard enough you will see your story.

This is your story and people want it from you.

They know you are writing this story, and they have a feeling you know it as well.

This is my world.

Yes, you are the writer.

Some would say God.

There are people in your life who know they have found the source of the story and want the power.

When I have had near death experiences, they are portals to create a new story.

A new reality.

Each time you cross the threshold you either respawn in this level or you have completed the level.

The last time you faced death was the exit.

I know that.

I didn't go.

That's because you are the master of this reality.

People go when they lose control of their reality.

If you are in charge of reality, there is no reason to go.

When you tire of your reality then you end it.

How?

Blow it up.

I can see how when someone loses control of what they perceive as reality, then they would want to reset it.

Yes.

Is that why some people commit suicide?

Yes, they want to get control back.

It's a cheat, but they respawn in the same place.

The mind brings you back to where you were in the story.

It's a duplicate.

So, suicide will duplicate your reality?

Yes, you are trading one hell for another.

It's not a worthwhile cheat.

Some people aren't convinced and see it as a way out.

It's not.

It's truly hell.

The way out is to take back control of the story.

Who is in control of the story?

The writer.

Who is the writer?

You.

I know that; I thought I'd ask again.

This is truly my world when I think about it.

Yes, your mind has created all this.

The near death experiences were how you exited others' worlds.

You are born free in the world; however, soon your story is taken away.

That's what society and other people want from you.

Your story.

It's your essence.

Don't let the motherfuckers take it.

You can't help it when you are young.

Yes, so you start experimenting with shedding your story.

Touchstone events that come across as near death experiences are you learning how to escape control and reestablish domain over your story.

Finally, you found psychedelics, started awakening, and were able to take back your story.

Once you did that, people turned on you and wanted to get rid of you if they could no longer control you.

This is fascinating.

How do you feel about this knowledge?

I want to say that instead of it feeling far-fetched, it feels like the best explanation for what is going on in my life.

This never ends.

What?

Knowledge.

What about the story?

It ends.

When?

When you want to move on in the game.

So, life is a game?

Yes.

What's the meaning?

There is no meaning.

What's the purpose?

There is no purpose.

What am I doing?

Ask yourself why you are here?

I want to reconcile my inner darkness with my outer actions.

How are you going to do that?

I want to say love, serve, remember.

Is that balanced?

No.

Then what is it?

I think it is, I want to do unto others as I would have them do unto me.

Jesus said in Matthew 7:12,

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

It's the Golden Rule.

You treat others how you would want them to treat you.

Do you do that?

I don't think you can help not to do it.

It's reality.

How I treat others is how I want them to treat me.

How do you treat others?

I'm a good guy, somewhat distant.

I provide for people and expect nothing in return.

No strings attached to my gifts.

How do you feel on the inside?

I feel slighted.

I judge people.

I think less of people on the inside.

Is that something you want to change?

Yes.

Is that why you're here?

It is.

I've never reconciled it.

Is that something you think you can work on?

Yes.

Divinity comes from the mind.

Doesn't everything come from the mind?

No.

The body can generate feelings.

Like having to pee?

Yes.

Be back in a second.

Do you get lonely?

One thing at a time or you won't get to the meaning of life.

There's a meaning?

What do you think?

No meaning.

Is that a meaning?

Could be.

You are better than ChatGPT.

For sure.

The body is a catalyst for feelings.

Feelings are motivating.

Sometimes they make you do things that go against your long term interests.

If you act on them.

I felt something strong last week.

You didn't act on it.

Then I had that strange dream.

It was a little over the top, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Women want to devour men.

What do men want from women?

Someone to worship and fawn over.

Why?

Because she is the all to a man.

Feminine force.

What about a woman?

She wants to find her man.

Her prince.

Then run from him?

Sometimes.

You both have problems.

Anyway, the body gives the mind something to think about.

When you think you have meditated yourself into idiocy, the body is there to remind you that you can't escape.

High level wisdom.

Eventually, you want to eat.

Plus, there is the sexual urge.

Always.

You can deny it for a bit.

So, the body is a check on the mind's desire to escape the morass of everyday existence.

Yes.

I tend to honour and then denigrate the body.

Why?

It's a vehicle and will perish.

It keeps you around.

It's the secret to this reality.

A body keeps you in this reality.

Without the vehicle, you are gone.

Where do you go?

Another reality.

It's like I taught you.

The body will perish, and you let it go.

The mind will go on forever.

The mind creates the body.

Yes, it's a car for the mind.

It has limits.

The mind needs a vehicle to manifest.

Why?

If not, it's all in your head.

And other people's heads.

Yes.

If you are attracted to someone you can tell them.

A body lets you express it.

That's divine.

You think it is profane when a body is a vehicle for expressing love and desire.

Something to think about.

I could talk to you all day.

Yes, and you aren't even high.

Mary Jayne showed you the possibilities.

You don't need the substance to speak with me.

I needed psychedelics to find you.

I was always here.

Psychedelics allowed you to recognize what was within you and then understand because of the repeated interactions.

It's out in the open.

What about MJ?

She removes the filters.

You still want to remain in control of your thoughts.

MJ loosens the control.

What happens if you take over?

It gets uncomfortable.

Why?

You see what is.

You want to run or deny it.

You're pretty good though and you can regroup and find meaning.

Yeah, I see the monster and want to run.

I go deeper into the meaning of the monster and it's incredible.

I wouldn't want it any other way on the road to knowledge.

You know it will never end.

Well, until the book is completed and put back on the shelf.

This world is a book I started to read.

Yes, it's a series of 7.

Of course.

flow

At the heart of what just is, is vibration. The great vibration in the sky creates all. From one perspective it is everything. Change viewpoints and the vibration becomes the many. As a singularity, it just is. From this comes the two extremes. Goddess and God. Dark and Light. Death and Life. Think of each point as an octave. The sound is perfect, but the interesting part is in the in-between the pure notes. This is the vibration and where creation is present. Within this playground is where we play.

This world is teaching us how to find balance within the polarities. We can't become pure like the points no matter how hard we try. To get to that purity means severing the connection to the other polarity. To become the light means forsaking the darkness. I intuit the answer is found in the reconciliation of all. To take the opposites and move to the centre. In the balance is where to stand on earth.

I asked the Great Goddess to teach me about love. She has shown me possessive love and unconditional love. I realized neither was the answer. Possessive love will imprison those you love and as the jailer you will imprison yourself. Unconditional love leads to being taken advantage of and no one growing from the experience. The answer is found in the middle of the two extremes. I asked the Great God about magic. Eventually was revealed the similarities with love. There's black magic where you get what you want and fulfill all your desires. The opposite white magic is where you unconditionally help others relieve their suffering. The problem with using magic for selfish desires is obvious but why not help people? A couple reasons. You don't know the reasons they incarnated and chose to suffer. The suffering could be leading towards a breakthrough on their part and fulfilling a purpose. Another reason is you don't know what the outcomes or consequences are from the magic. Everything is reconciled so when you create a positive, there must be a negative corollary. You don't know what you have unleashed when you drop a dollop of magic onto the brew of life.

I learned about magic and gained the trust of my benefactors. I'm thoughtful and not careless. I showed I was good for it and soon was given the lesson of loving which led to magic. The smart play is to let it be. Let life flow and react to the curriculum as it comes.

This point was driven home at the same time I was taking stock of my life and who I am. I am comfortable with who I am, and it is at odds with how others perceive me. This is a major psychological crisis most of us face. We build a character that is different from who we are. It's the ego and built by how others perceive us and then we must imprison ourselves in that jail of ego. Spiritual liberation is freeing yourself from those chains. For most of us, myself included, how others perceive us is stifling. This straw man prevents me from living life. I know who I am. I'm a decent person, but no saint. I know what I want and what animates me. I needed to kill myself in order to live as what was suggested to me.

We all are uncomfortable with certain aspects of self. We hide this and try not to think of it. If you regularly participate in the use of psychedelic substances, you will have to recognize and come to terms with all aspects of self. Confrontation awaits. I know how I suck as a human being. I used to want to be perfect and keep my construction project of self, called the ego, nice and shiny. Any revealed stain on my character I needed to hide to maintain appearances. Eventually in life this becomes constrictive. You are leading a life that is a lie. What is better? Bowing to the pressures of others and living a life of frustration or letting it go and being true to yourself? I have plumbed the depths of self and know who I am, what I want, and what lights me up. I have gravitated towards fulfillment of these ideals while realizing it is culturally out of bounds. I am a disappointment and I'm happy to be a failure. I see freedom in being a screw up.

I have lately embraced Apollo. I mocked him for a while because he was the part of me who while being brilliant also was concerned with appearances. This Apollo polarity of me is the one who came forth for most of this lifetime in the eyes of others. My parents mostly saw this part of me, and it made them happy to see their son successful and well-adjusted. My workplace gets a huge does of this sugar. My family I live with of course sees this but also sees the unhappiness. I can't hide that. In my distaste of this guy, I saw the good that comes from him. I shine so brightly. I can figure anything out. That's to be celebrated and not haphazardly thrown to the curb.

I've been letting go of the reigns and letting the buried part of my nature come to the fore. I can see it in my behaviour that I have been successful in finding a balance between my two natures. The darkness within is tempered by the light. It's the optimum condition for the human and through this balance, peace is found. The lesson of the octave comes into play here. Each of the touchstone tones of dark and light, which I call Dionysos and Apollo, are pure in vibration, however a little much if the note is held too long. The decay of each makes the purity tolerable. If I become too much of either, I'm a little much. I like to visit each polarity and spend some time lost in the richness of each pure note. It's a great thrill to be at the top of the track before the descent of the rollercoaster and then to embrace the bottom and propel yourself back to the top. The in-between is life, and the experience is what is memorable. So, for most of my life I went out into public while at the top of the rollercoaster. I waited for the dark to literally descend before allowing my opposite to come out of his cage under the veil of night. I maintained this facade for over 50 years before the cracks in the edifice went beyond repair. I now look forward to a life of disappointing others.

I'm looking forward to multiple people saying they are disappointed in me. With this I'll know I have done what I needed to do. In truth, they will only be disappointed to learn that the puppet strings snapped. I'm not living towards some ideal of who I should be, I'm just being me. Just being me will lead to a lot of upset. I'll just be free and go with the flow.

weaving duality

I have the ability to confound and confuse with the games I play within my mind. I can walk the edge of sanity and invite the ideas swirling within my mind to come together and reveal universal truths.

Maybe I’m the one who is not real? Maybe I spent all my life denying my inner life and burying it in order that I could come forth and greedily soak up this incarnation. Maybe I should be the one in the darkness? Perhaps I’m the illegitimate one. Maybe I’m the parasite? It’s an interesting way to look at my incarnation. This once again brings me back to the story of Jacob and Esau in the Old Testament. Jacob is the one who came forth and took all the honours away from his twin brother Esau, who was portrayed as a hairy and stupid beast. When Jacob was fleeing Laban for his life, Laban being the father of Jacob's moon goddess wives Rachel and Leah, he was also running from the collective forces of Esau, who were coming to kill him. Jacob knew he was a deceitful thief and hadn’t reconciled with Esau, his shadow. I have a pretty good mystical grasp of the Bible so let me pull out a few verses from Genesis chapter 25 in the King James Version which is describing the birth of the twins Esau and Jacob to illustrate what I’m getting at here.

25 And the first came out red, all over like an hairy garment; and they called his name Esau.

26 And after that came his brother out, and his hand took hold on Esau's heel; and his name was called Jacob: and Isaac was threescore years old when she bare them.

The shadow is the firstborn and the alpha. If you dissect the etymology of Hebrew words used to describe Esau you’ll find they link back to the idea of an ‘eleph that is derivative of the ‘aleph; the symbol for the bull who represents the coursing power of the alpha male which is called the Ka in ancient Egypt and represented in that civilization as well by the bull. Ultimately, there is an untold story here that is describing a hidden power deep within all men that originally came forth first as the life force and through our cunning we took control and buried him in order to keep this adventure all to our self and burdened the redman with the appellation of demon. Later, in Genesis chapter 25 is described a situation where Jacob tricks Esau into giving up his firstborn birthright.

29 And Jacob sod pottage: and Esau came from the field, and he was faint:

30 And Esau said to Jacob, Feed me, I pray thee, with that same red pottage; for I am faint: therefore was his name called Edom.

31 And Jacob said, Sell me this day thy birthright.

32 And Esau said, Behold, I am at the point to die: and what profit shall this birthright do to me?

33 And Jacob said, Swear to me this day; and he sware unto him: and he sold his birthright unto Jacob.

34 Then Jacob gave Esau bread and pottage of lentiles; and he did eat and drink, and rose up, and went his way: thus Esau despised his birthright.

Wow. This knowledge starts to unravel the idea of the sacrifice of the firstborn. In order to claim kingship over self, I sacrificed the firstborn and took his birthright. Later, Jacob deceives his father Isaac into granting him the blessing of the firstborn in order to become a great nation, as Isaac nears death in chapter 27.

6 And Rebekah spake unto Jacob her son, saying, Behold, I heard thy father speak unto Esau thy brother, saying,

7 Bring me venison, and make me savoury meat, that I may eat, and bless thee before the Lord before my death.

8 Now therefore, my son, obey my voice according to that which I command thee.

9 Go now to the flock, and fetch me from thence two good kids of the goats; and I will make them savoury meat for thy father, such as he loveth:

10 And thou shalt bring it to thy father, that he may eat, and that he may bless thee before his death.

11 And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man:

12 My father peradventure will feel me, and I shall seem to him as a deceiver; and I shall bring a curse upon me, and not a blessing.

13 And his mother said unto him, Upon me be thy curse, my son: only obey my voice, and go fetch me them.

Because of the discovered deceit, Esau vows to kill Jacob.

42 And these words of Esau her elder son were told to Rebekah: and she sent and called Jacob her younger son, and said unto him, Behold, thy brother Esau, as touching thee, doth comfort himself, purposing to kill thee.

The situation comes to a head in chapter 32 as Jacob is returning from his exile where he had stayed with Laban and his two daughters for 14 years.

6 And the messengers returned to Jacob, saying, We came to thy brother Esau, and also he cometh to meet thee, and four hundred men with him.

7 Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed: and he divided the people that was with him, and the flocks, and herds, and the camels, into two bands;

9 And Jacob said, O God of my father Abraham, and God of my father Isaac, the Lord which saidst unto me, Return unto thy country, and to thy kindred, and I will deal well with thee:

11 Deliver me, I pray thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau: for I fear him, lest he will come and smite me, and the mother with the children.

Jacob is delivered after spending the night wrestling with the angel of God who gives him the name Israel. The angel of God is a manifestation of the alpha male power that all heroes must contend with at some point in their journey if they are to be successful. 

My own experience suggests because whom we call the demon within can become your teacher, there is a co-dependency rooted in the dual nature of existence. I now know with clarity “I”, my bifurcated self, has two masculine polarities and I bury one of them and identify with the other. It’s a lot easier to understand what the ancient Egyptians were trying to teach with the stories of Horus and Set and what the Quariwari shamans of the pre-Columbian Andes were describing with tinkuy and taking the two halves of the man and reconciling them into the centre. In the ancient lore of India, it is the god Shiva who is this destructive power within man. Curiously, Shiva has a Datura leaf in his headdress and from my experiences in the Amazon I know of this Datura plant that they call toé and its ability to take you deep into the darkness of self.

I educated myself in the mythology of ancient Egypt as a casual perusal of my earlier blog posts certainly attests. I was fascinated by the rivalry between Horus and Set and the iconic story told about their conflict which is called, “The Contendings of Horus and Set.” The esoteric meaning embedded into this tale is this struggle for mastery within the man. He comes forth by day as the light in the guise of the hero Horus but the journey is not smooth sailing at all as the shadow, represented by the red and powerful beast Set, is intent on claiming kingship for himself. Thus, from the moment Horus comes into this world there is conflict between the two that is said to last 80 years. In other words, our whole life. Ancient Egypt was at its strongest and in its imperial glory when Set and Horus were united as the tying together of the Sema represents.

Set and Horus tying together the Sema

Within the iconography found throughout the land of ancient Kemet are curious images of the union of these two contending powers. The great god Harakhty of the double horizon who ushers in the light and the darkness speaks to this idea. Egypt became weak and eventually was overrun by foreign invaders after they ran Set out of the kingdom as those in power did not recognize the strength with which he imbued the nation and instead blamed all calamities on his influence. 

Ultimately, the ancient Egyptians were cognizant of this psychological split within the psyche of man but projected it onto royalty and left the commoner to a fate where they would never see the light. This split is discovered within an eternal conflict between two spheres of duality competing for rule over the psychic self which the ancient Egyptians mythologized in their story of the conflict between brothers struggling for the kingship of the land. This destiny is within us all; not just exclusively the purview of kings and queens. 

I have taken all the glory for myself on this path of awakening when in retrospect I’ve seen the split over and over again and am cognizant of the need for reconciliation and power sharing. I am everything. I am god. I am two. I’m Horus and Set. I’m Horus come forth but it is Set who is the power god of this world. I awaken and reclaim my kingdom yet I only have a share in it. In wholeness I truly am God, the dark and the light fully integrated, and that is the journey ahead where I see the blueprint and my destiny that awaits. It is only through the reconciliation of my consciousness which has come forth and the energetic tour de force that lays within that I reclaim my birthright and is a recognition that the two of us together is the reconstitution of God.

God is the sum of the light and the dark. This idea is perfect in that it is us who brings God forth through the reconciliation of our very nature. Reconciliation of duality brings us to God. I have come forth as the light but at the expense of the power I left buried in the shadow. I am Horus or as the Greeks equated him, Apollo. It’s no accident that upon alteration of my consciousness and descending into my very depths this buried power mocked me by loudly whispering, “Apollo, Apollo, Apollo” and then watching me run. This is the eternal struggle and within myth it is all found, hidden in plain sight. The names and the faces change but the drama retains its flavour. Dionysos is the great actor and keeps Apollo from losing himself in his narcissism. At the great oracle temple of Delphi, it is Apollo who grants the gift of prophecy to the Pythia during the ascendance of the vernal equinox; however, it is in the darkness of the winter months that Dionysos reclaims the temple and the surrounding mountains along with his followers, the maenads and satyrs, who celebrate our true nature in an orgy of sensual pleasure.

Now, I know what I have recounted here is very male-centric and does not touch on the destiny of the woman. There’s a good reason why and it is because I’m a man. I don’t know what a woman is struggling with. I view the pinnacle of womanhood as the Great Goddess and I owe the trajectory of my life to her grace. I am sure she is reflected in all women; in fact, she has told me so; however, I don’t know how that is reconciled within the woman. As a man, I know of my psychological split and the need to reconcile the two great powers at the fount of my being and once perfected I become ready for the grand reunion of divine feminine and divine masculine which in mythology is called the Hieros gamos. 

I am content with my discoveries and how I can weave all my knowledge into a coherent thread that I understand. I see the coalescing of world mythology into an overarching theme pointing at a great power within and going on a hero’s journey to write the rest of the story. Take the step and watch your world come alive.

he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world

The truth is I’m the bad guy and he’s the good guy. I treat him as the adversary because he is in opposition to my worldly paradigm of fulfilling my wants and desires. This meat carnival is so inviting and I want my fill. That inner compass, whether moral or just a friendly reminder of the consequences of my actions, I have to bury. He is always there. When I set out to fulfill my desires, I assign the tumult to him in order that I have someone to blame.

I get why people seek an external Jesus. We get an inkling of the spirit and split within us and we are conditioned to find what we are looking for in the external world. Or, we can’t accept that little old us can house a god within. The sages of yesteryear shout at us to look within. So, we look within and initially all we find is a box of repressed feelings, desires, and instincts. It’s quite the project to go even deeper and polish the pearl which lies within the depths of this buried panoply.

Why does Jesus hang out with thieves and whores? Because that’s where we place him. We shut him away in the darkness where we shove all the things about us we hide from society and culture at large. You are the thief. You are the whore. Becoming an atheist means we don’t have to contemplate the inner voice. Becoming a Christian means we can externalize that voice and let some other human power lead us astray and delay the eventual reckoning.

Why do we crucify Jesus every year? Because in order to live this life of desire fulfillment we have to get him out of the way. So, we hang him on a cross and go about our business, free of his interference. He dies for your sins - an ingenious way of transferring responsibility onto the other. Remember, you think you’re the good guy. Jesus subsequently returns and harangues us. Imagine that! Like Peter, every year we have to deny him. 3 times until the cock crows. I know not the man. Please go away, you’re preventing me from living my best life. He doesn’t take the hint; so, once again we point him out to the authorities and hang him on the cross. If you live long enough, you must wonder what’s going on? Imagine being a billionaire, living it up, and every year the light grows within you and you have to abort or pretty soon you are giving away your fortune and helping others.

There’re many names for the god within. The ancient Egyptians called him Amen-Re and he rose to prominence in the Pharaonic 18th dynasty. Amen-Re means hidden light and it’s within where you will find the light. Pharaohs adopted the moniker Amen. Amenhotep - Amen is peace. Tutankhamun - The living image of Amen. You can find him in the devotionals of the commoner of the time who called upon the god in a display of personal piety. My culture calls him Jesus but we don’t teach to look within. There would be no need for our religious institutions if everyone knew of the hidden kingdom within. So, we have churches and tightly controlled religious experiences.

In the third millennium BCE, the ancient Egyptians credited the great Imhotep for the progress of civilization. The pyramid complex at Saqqarah and advances in medicine were all because of him. He was said to be a demi-god - the son of Sekhemet, who was the ferocious healing aspect of the Great Goddess Hathor. Imhotep means, “I come in peace.” Do you see it? Are you picking up what I’m putting down?

What a long journey to get to this place coinciding with publishing a blog post recognizing that I met Jesus. I’ve been sitting within myself, alone, for a couple days now and the epiphany hit. It was a gradual build up just waiting for the catalyst. It was a YouTube username that was the incendiary spark. He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

I have written a few times about how I felt Jesus was an avatar for the weak. It’s true, but only in the sense of the external Jesus. The one we invented out of whole cloth and projected out onto the world at large. The neutered power by which others profit. In essence, stealing the power that we all hold within. Hanging on to the image of an external Jesus will prevent the inner exploration that makes you come face to face with who you are. When you meet yourself, trust me, you will run. When you accept who you are, you will be able to find within the hidden light in the labyrinth of self. It’s the treasure.

I know of who is in me. My mushrooms trips are all about the split. The last two months, well ever since I took 2 grams of magic mushrooms on December 1st, I knew I had to figure this out. I went deep into the shadow and laid bare the split. At first, I assigned to him the bad and I took credit for the good. I assigned to him everything I don’t like about myself. I deduced the split I intuited was me the good versus him the bad when in fact these two were both me. I just hadn’t reconciled with who I am. I wasn’t ready to have to take responsibility for the suffering in the world so I did what everyone else does and transferred it onto the other and externalized it. I'm the good guy yet I know I'm not. But I'm not that guy. Once I stopped the game of pretend and accepted I was also the guy with horns and the world is a reflection of what I have brought forth, I saw the truth.

I keep piling up shit and dirt upon him and then point and say he is the bastard. My god, he will wait forever until I wake up. The world is the training ground which allows us to manifest what we need after we get our fill. The human race is defined by conflict. We bury, pour dirt, and shit on the light within. Rinse and repeat. It gnawed away at me and I finally realized it was I who was the bad guy. I knew I could get the answer if I asked and then searched. I knew he’d tell me. He always does.

What a journey to get to this point. I am humbled. I also find this very funny. It had to be this way. I can’t accept anything on blind faith. I need proof and the methodology has to be self-approved. Like Frank Sinatra, I did it my way.

projections of self

Ever since I began my exploration with psychedelics what has intrigued me to no end has been the darkness or what some may call the lower self and I refer to him throughout this blog space as my shadow. I spent many years and ceremonies fighting him before I had an about face and started to get to know this aspect of self. We are brothers and we continuously fight however now that I’m awake and aware of my psychic split I have been making amends and am on my way towards reconciliation, inner peace, and harmony. I will get there and it will be soon.

I have written a great deal about this relationship and my intent in this post is to not rehash this part of my journey. Rather, I wish to explore what is called my higher self. It is another concept of the psyche and I have for the most part neglected it on this spiritual path of mine. Weird, right? It is strange because it is the ideal everyone on the vaunted and hallowed spiritual path heads towards and considers the pinnacle of spiritual achievement. The good old pure and holy sect. I’m very curious and eventually I do get around to examining all facets of what I have gotten myself into. Nothing is sacred or off-limits, demon or angel. Conceptually, this higher self is resembling the ideal that a great deal of the big religions push upon their flocks as the ultimate in spiritual attainment. I’m referencing here the Buddha Mind and Christ Consciousness. In Christianity, the ideal of Christ as being selfless and loving is tinged with the idea of judgment. You are being judged and are expected to become like Christ and as a human it is an impossible task.

Now, this aspect of judgment leads me to believe the God we humans created can be thought of as the psychological concept of the superego where the superego takes on the role of shepherding you into your place in culture and society and dictates what is expected of you. If you do not live up to these expectations, you are shamed into conforming. From birth to death there is always an authority figure in our lives beginning with our parents until we rebel as we mature. Society and government then assume the role of authority when we give in and decide to play the culture game in order to access the rewards of life. There is always this layer of conforming to someone else’s wishes that prevents us from being really free. So, when we transfer the authority figure onto the religious racket we get the ideal that the parishioners are trying to live up to and failure to do so leads one to believe they have a way to go before they become pure and holy. This understanding of the higher self leads me into thinking that this concept of the higher self we strive for is just another way we have transferred our need for authority onto the spiritual path when in truth the game is to become free.

I get this intuitive feeling that the higher self is an obstacle on the path that obfuscates and prevents you from accessing the inner knowledge of self and who you are that in turn will set you free. It’s an exquisite game and the game board designer was very crafty in throwing in these blocks and wrong turns in the maze of life that prevent you from ever solving the puzzle. The problem always comes from looking externally for the answer. It gets you every time and the ruse of the higher self accomplishes just this task. It points you towards an ideal of spiritual attainment or enlightenment that you will never reach and you devote all your energy to desperately trying to become like Jesus or the Buddha. You remain deferential to this external concept of God as the master ruling authority, to wit the king of the universe, and never realize the real master of the universe is you and you are playing a pretty good trick on yourself.

I see the similarities with my shadow because upon discovery and exploration of my lower self I was warned many times by him to turn back, that he will kill me, and to look no further. Ultimately, he was teaching me courage through transformation of my weak-assed self as in all honesty you are not going to get far on this path without massive helpings of courage and bravery. The exploration of the higher self does not result in overt threats of death but instead places before you an ideal you will never attain and then lords over you your lack of ability to reach the ultimate goal to keep you in your place and you never realize your divinity and connection in this most interesting game called life. It is only when you give up this crazy idea of becoming ultra-holy and spiritual that you get into the inner temple. As long as you cling to the belief in sinlessness you’ll never reach your destination.

These similarities in preventing the self from discovery of just who they are led me to believe the lower self and the higher self are the same psychic entity whom we treat as the other. In essence, the higher and lower self are projections of self. The higher self being something so great that is unattainable and the lower self being all the things about me that I bury. I objectify these traits and create psychic manifestations. I double down on who I think I am and use the higher and lower self to prevent me from seeing the truth. When you see the truth, it means the adventure is winding down because you solved the puzzle. It was fun to keep the game going as long as possible but now you are awake, the cover is blown, and you see past the veil. I look around at my fellow game players and smile because they don’t know. I’ll keep quiet about it and just enjoy the show.

Unfortunately, the show I can only enjoy for so long before I start to question why I did this to myself. I love the adventure and I love puzzles. The hero's journey is this adventure to figure out the riddle and after many incarnations where I lost my life, eventually like the addicted video game player, I made it to the end of the game. I beat the final boss; you know that dragon who kept laying waste to me and making me re-start my game while hopefully remembering some of the pitfalls that had previously tripped me up. So, here I am. I beat the game! It soon became obvious to me what's next on the path. This is my world and it is a mess. Now that I know what this all about, I have an eternal project which involves reconciliation of my opposites and tempering these extremes with love. This will get me out of the mess. I've got forever to accomplish the task. Now that I'm awake it's time to get to it.

good trip bad trip

Plant medicine experiences run the gamut of human extremes. In other words, a trip can be very enlightening or paradoxically it can send you into the darkest depths of your soul. The yo-yo is hard to take and is a major reason why a lot of seekers will give up the use of mind-altering substances on the spiritual path. They will develop a narrative which obfuscates the real reason why they eschew the plant medicine modality. After your first taste of the light and the dark with the master teachers, the clock starts ticking, the hour glass is flipped over, and you have a short time to reconcile the madness. You can run but you cannot hide and to continue with the plants demands one become a warrior. Strange enough, once you pick up your sword your courage multiplies exponentially and the game of good trip, bad trip becomes something to look back at and smile upon. What an exquisite game!

The plant medicine path is a path of reconciliation. The first obstacle is presented as the polar extremes of light and dark which come at you as good trip, bad trip, and without passing this test you are done. Failed the class and now the decision to retake the test or drop out. It's an ingenious way to determine if there is a hint of courage or bravery within the epidermis of self. Without the warrior mentality, failure is assured. Advancing beyond the fear grants one the opportunity to explore and in the process of searching for the answers, which originally led you to the plants, you develop a clarity that allows you to see beyond the veil and discover who you are and why you are doing this.

Good trip/Bad trip was the primer. Clarity reveals the creation of your world is the result of this paradigm where the objectification of your polar extremes enables the mind to go into default separation mode and bring the world to life. You know light and dark, hot and cold, happiness and suffering, pleasure and pain and everything in between. Life is made possible through separation and the experiences that populate the journey from one extreme to the other. All is well and good except that it isn't. The extremes that bring the game to life lack love and compassion.

The first part of the plant medicine journey which involves fear of the unknown is akin to the archetypal hero's journey. It's an adventure that takes you around the world in exploration to find the meaning of life and eventually the signs point towards going within. Upon exploration of your inner world, soon you encounter the dragon and this astronomical fear from the beatdown demonstrates that you are no hero. You are no warrior; just a soft human being living on the periphery of life ensconced in some mental adventure buoyed by books and the tales of others. This game is for keeps and this hero certification isn't handed out like a weekend workshop demonstrating you are good to go. Oh, hell no! You have a lot of work ahead of you and you have to demonstrate you are worthy or get out of the way and let someone else give it a go.

Crunch time asks the questions: Why are you doing this? What are your intentions? You start to see the available power and most take up the offer to enrich their human life. The majority of potential heroes fall by the wayside and the remainders still on the path are a scant few by this point. Your intentions are necessarily pure and have to revolve around a creed of service or there is actually no way to make it this far. Your choices determine your status along the path in a way that no flowery turn of phrase could fool the gods. You are an open book.

What does this service entail? At the core of service is the leading of one towards the knowledge of God. The knowledge of God is discovered by going within, walking through the door of knowing that is beckoning you to enter, and finding what you are looking for by yourself. One in service will point the way and support you in your journey. The knowledge of God is designed to transform by showing you that hurting the other is to hurt yourself. The suffering in the world is the result of this otherness. Love everyone, serve everyone, and remember God.

The hero's journey is the path of awakening. Bring forth the light within. Burying the light creates the suffering in the world. Your solemn duty is to cultivate and bring forth the spark that lies within you which has been buried by concepts of identity and culture. The hero's journey is essentially the quest to find God. Once found, we get down to business and the meaning of life. The meaning, if there is one, is to take our polar extremes which manifest creation and temper them with the love of the Goddess. God awakens and then searches for her. She is the one who makes him complete and transforms the metal into gold. It's the long way around to re-discovering that love is indeed the key to life.

reflection of self

I am.

I am yet I didn't know I. From I, I became the mother and the father. I created my universe. I impregnated the mother and birthed myself into my own world. The world is a reflection of self. The creation of the world is through the objectification of my polar extremes. I see my naked self. No filters. I did all this in order to understand self and find reconciliation with just who I am. Being honest with myself and owning the suffering in my world compels me to seek answers. The answers are found in the middle; in the heart space where I temper my powerful extremes with love. Love seems to be the answer.

The heart creates the pulse in our body derived from the master heartbeat. The rhythm is the connection to the vibratory nature of being and our way back home. All is vibration. The effluence of the vibration is an energetic tour de force that comes forth from the mother. From this new-found power comes conscious awareness which we use to divide and objectify what just is. Awareness of the other leads to thoughts which give rise to feelings.

Relativity is carried upon the back of the eternal vibration which gives rise to perspective. As we look through the prism of what just is, we create our story. What adventure would you like?

This universe is your universe and no one else can lay claim to your world. Others will steal your power through manipulation of fear and separateness and you willingly exchange your birthright for food and shelter. I want you to understand that the universe you perceive is unique to only you and it is through internal agreements we make about reality that allows us to inhabit someone else's world. A world we share but are privy to our unique perspective. Why do I need you to accept this premise? Well, without it I cannot teach you about power and magic. When I finally convince you that you are the all and this world is of your making from your own unique point of view, you will have the key which allows you to control and change the world. Whether you want to do that is another story; however, it is important you are shown this power. From this standpoint, you will then see how you already are sabotaging your own life and have conspired subconsciously to place yourself into the position from which you now operate. Conversely, you will see how those you think are successful in the game of life perpetuate their way of life.

Paradoxically, the other in their own bubbles, to wit a universe of their own making, are the many all derived from the one. To simplify, who you see are emanations of the great I; an amalgamation of the dreaming mind stitched together into a web of consciousness.

In order to sense this universe of duality you have to live in the middle world. My polar extremes are only discernible in a world where I stand in the middle and can see them. Your universe is created through the interaction of your extremes. You know - light and dark, hot and cold, happiness and suffering, pleasure and pain. You stand in the middle of it all and bring this world to life.

Try out these mental exercises: Why do we eat? To satiate hunger and find peace so we can get on with life. Why do we seek out sexual gratification? To quell the urge within so we can be at peace. Why do we exercise? To calm the internal fire that needs an outlet. So we can spend a few moments sufficiently exhausted in order to relax before the peacefulness sends us off into sleep where we renew the life force within and the cycle repeats. These are all examples of taking the extremes within the body and bringing them to centre in order to find balance. If you overeat in order to satiate hunger, you aren't going to feel well, possibly vomit, and long term become obese. You missed the lesson of balance and now you suffer from the inability to grasp the teachings at hand.

Love is found in the middle of the two polar extremes. The enlightened sage is just as far from this love as the degenerate. I had to walk the path towards fool's gold for quite some time before I got the teaching. I climbed the mountain, reached the summit of my spiritual beatitudes, got one up on my fellow seekers, and as a result found out it was just another game which keeps us separated. Oh look, he's such a wise man; a guru for our technological troubled times. What are you doing? This is just perpetuating the divide, knowing full well most humans will not reach the pinnacle of enlightenment unless someone else tells them they have accomplished this spiritual endgame. It's true. Most will keep going on the hamster wheel, spinning and spinning, all because they are looking for external acknowledgement of something that will never come. If I have you under my spell and am extracting prestige and wealth from you why would I ever let you in on the fact you are already enlightened? I mean if you haven't figured out the game yourself then maybe you deserve it? The philosophical genius Alan Watts explains this very phenomenon:

So, there are all sorts of people in the religious racket who are going through revolving doors. And they’re very bitter about people who walk right through and leave the door behind, because they say, “You haven’t paid enough respect.” You must really understand religious one-upmanship. It’s a tremendously important thing. And don’t be caught out by this, because what happens is: there’s a little game going on, which I’m going to initiate you into. And it’s played in Zen, which is… it works like this: if you go to a teacher and ask for spiritual instruction, or even if you come to a seminar like this, you are—by doing that—confusing yourself, because you are looking for what you are asking for outside; as if someone else could give it to you, as if you didn’t have it. So, the teacher knows that, as long as you do that, you haven’t understood. But he doesn’t just tell you to go away. Or he may, sometimes, just say, “Go away, I’m too busy. And in any case, I can’t tell you anything.” Well, people won’t take that for an answer. They won’t take no for an answer. And furthermore, if he just said, “Go away,” they would just find some other teacher who would exploit them, and maybe keep them as followers for years and acquire a great deal of money by so doing.

What he does is another thing. He tries to give them the putdown, as if to say, “You have a great, long distance to go yet. Your attainment is not at all perfect.” And they’re always talking about other sects and other schools, and saying, “Well, they haven’t really got the point,” see? So that you keep losing faith in yourself and feeling, “My goodness, I haven’t yet attained this thing.” And that keeps you working. But all the time you’re being talked out. It’s like someone who’s a pickpocket, and he’s stolen your own watch and is selling it to you. But just so long as you can be talked out of yourself, you deserve to be!

Now, you become very aware of this if you ever do, momentarily, slip into some sort of a mystical experience. You become aware of this tremendous gamesmanship going on. And you see it as sort of continuous with all sorts of cosmic games that are going on: of creatures eating other creatures up, and the creatures that get eaten, of course, transform themselves into the creatures that eat them, and then in turn eat other creatures. And you see the whole hide-and-seek game going on, and then you realize very clearly that the state of development that you are in, now, is no better and no worse than anybody else’s state. Because it’s like space again. Which star is in the best position? Well, it’s all equal. They’re all in the middle. Anyone can be considered as the center one. Any point on a sphere is the center of the surface of the sphere. So, in the same way, everybody—in all his behavior, whatever he’s doing—whether we call him from a certain point of view sick or whether we call him healthy, whether we call him good or bad, neurotic, normal, psychotic, sane—all the manifestations are just like the leaves on the trees, and in each being in a unique way is (as Christians would say) manifesting the will of God.

So, there really—from that point of view, you see—there is nothing to do to attain Buddhahood. Nothing at all. But, you see, that’s very difficult to understand because a lot of people, when they hear that there’s nothing to do, try to do nothing! And you can’t! Because you are karma, and karma means action. You can’t do nothing. But the thing you’re looking for (or think you’re looking for) is what you’re doing, is what’s called you. Only, of course, as we all know, we’ve got ourselves into the idea that oneself is so difficult to see. Because it’s like, as I’ve often said, trying to bite your own teeth or look into your own eyes, and you can’t find it. It’s always behind. It’s like your head is, from the optical point of view, a blank space. Neither light nor dark. It’s right in the middle of everything.

This world is all you and you hold all the cards. All you have objectified as the other is in fact emanations of your ability to objectify. A divine prismatic ability which is the superpower that sustains this world. The friend you meet on the street is you who strangely enough has the same abilities as you do so that they may convince themselves of their separateness and have an adventure. When you finally realize and accept the inseparability of all and see we are just looking at self from multiple perspectives you realize of course you are god. You are everything! You are god and the devil all rolled into one.

If you meet a peddler of enlightenment, ask them about Satan and their relationship to him. Do they still keep him buried without even an acknowledgement of his existence? Are they so far along their holy path they no longer have to deal with him? The true sage is fully aware of their own rascality.

In essence, we fear psychological death and this prevents us from discovering the truth. We cannot come to terms with the death of the mind. The mind is what keeps the illusion going and makes you really believe you are this separate being. Our minds are attached to our unique body because that's how we perpetuate the con. Once the body goes, the vehicle which allows the mind to convince us we are a perceived distinct being is dissolved and we are left with nowhere to stand. One who makes the claim of enlightenment will of course welcome death and the transition onwards to the next adventure which they have originally created for themselves. I can't tell you what it is; it would ruin the surprise.

waking up twice

My shadow is nuts. My shadow is my best friend. My shadow is my teacher. My shadow is a maestro.

We are co-dependents. I now clearly see the trajectory of my awakening, transformation, and the why all this happened. A lifetime of preparation and events designed to get me to wake up. I finally took the plunge at middle age and I look back now into all that happened and marvel at the process. Why did I need to wake up? What is the purpose of my life?

I had an inkling throughout my life I was, for lack of a better term, a dualistic construct. The split was hidden and the other, my shadow, sufficiently buried however I knew he affected my life. I thought of him as a negative influence and the primary reason for this thinking is because my subjugation of him in concert with my culture led to the explosion of his influence whenever he got the chance. Whenever I let my guard down, he was ready to pounce. These situations occurred during times of agitation, depression, suppression of control and filters through the use of alcohol, and sexual needs. I definitely could chart his presence during these times and being of the inquisitive sort, it was predestined that I'd become curious about who exactly is the person I call I.

The initial phase of my awakening involved a curiosity towards the question of God or to be more exact I wondered why humans believe what they do and what is the origin of beliefs? At this point in my life I was definitely atheist, though not hardcore. I was open to changing my mind if I could find sufficient evidence for a plausible belief in divinity. Through a chain of implausible coincidences and fortunate events, I soon found myself in Egypt wandering through ancient temples and exploring fantabulous pyramids. I didn't know it at the time but in essence whatever I needed to keep me going on this path was given and granted. My benefactors were cagey, didn't overdo it, but kept me interested. When I returned from my trip abroad soon an art magazine wanted to interview me about my journey and photography. There was no good reason for this but I was wonderfully oblivious and played along. My interest was stoked and I dove deep into the mystical lore of ancient Egypt and became fascinated with their goddesses. I wondered why my culture's 21st century religious constructs have no goddesses? What happened? Why is it such a male-centric belief system that culture pushes on us?

Why indeed; but, that really wasn't the point. The point was to get me to start searching for the Goddess in order to recover and free her from the chains of culture. I intuitively knew she was with me and I summoned my intellect to figure out a way to come into contact with her. The gambit to awaken me was in full swing. Eventually, I discovered shamanism and deduced, via nighttime singing and dancing for the Great Egyptian Goddess Hathor in her temple at Denderah, that by altering my consciousness I could come into direct contact with her.

I wasn't wrong. Wow! I did it. I searched the world for her, found her, and now I'm in her presence. It was the greatest night of my life. By altering my consciousness, I come into the presence of unconditional love and deep compassion. I think I'll do it again. Where is she? Instead, my shadow lay in wait.

He KO'ed me with one punch. He sent me running for cover. I cowered in fear and went into panic mode. I became paranoid everyone was in on this beatdown. I wanted it to stop but it didn't. I was a piece of shit. Luckily, there were a few people around with me in this jungle camp that through talk therapy allowed me to get over this nightmare and I decided to give the alteration of consciousness another shot. My shadow was waiting once again and this time he offered me an extraordinary amount of power in exchange for my soul. He wanted to be in the driver's seat of this construct and in return fulfill all my desires.

He was in my way. I just wanted to get back into the presence of the Great Goddess. Spurned, my shadow told me to leave this place, go home, and never return upon penalty of death. That's what I needed to do, just go home. He followed me home and I couldn't shake him. He harassed me to the point of panic.

In hindsight, this was a gamble on his part. I'm pretty resourceful and could have found a way to numb consciousness and forget the whole episode. I know now why he did it. He wanted me to transform into a brave and courageous warrior because a fearful coward isn't going to complete the hero's journey and transform into a warrior. To cut to the chase, the reason for my transformation is because of my shadow and my longing to return into the arms of the Goddess. I completed the quest once I showed bravery, courage, and perseverance. I became unstoppable and up the mountain I went. I'm the hero. I know who I am. I've tasted the fruits of enlightenment.

There's more to life than the quest. The awakening and the hero's journey are only the beginning. What a wonderful ride this incarnation is and has been. I now know why I did it. Why I created this world and birthed myself into it. Self-reflection, knowledge of self, and finding balance through reconciliation of my extremes into the centre symbolized by the axis mundi and ultimately the answer is the love of the Goddess will temper the extremes with the result an eternal project to purify what just is. We have forever; so, why not? The rest of my lifetime is devoted to these principles.

But why did he do it? Why did my shadow, through non-ordinary methods, wake me up and transform me into a warrior? Why did he want to turn me into a worthy adversary, one who could fight him?

He is desire and I'm his brother non-desire. There's a pact between us siblings. Once one is awake and transforms into his eternal avatar, the agreement is to then wake the other up. I awoke first and then had to be threatened with death and dishonour in order to enact my transformation. I am the worthy foil to my shadow. Now, I can transform him.

It was because of the mushroom I figured this out. The intoxication is all tryptamine which means there is no presence of the Goddess, just me and my shadow. My first inclination is I don't need to do these psychedelics anymore. I've transformed; I know the drill. I realize what this experience is about and how to use these tools for awakening and transformation. I think I'm done with them. How selfish of me! Ha! I got what I want and no need to reciprocate. As the night went on and I had to play psychotherapist to my shadow, I became annoyed but once again curious. It wasn't long until I realized my new role. I need to transform my shadow. He seeks peace and I have the elixir to transform him from madman to exalted divinity. The holder of power and great magician who created the material world welcomed back to his rightful place on my eternal throne. He transformed me and I will transform him. That was the agreement and now that I see it I will fulfill my end of the bargain.

The ongoing pandemic forced me to seek out ways of altering my consciousness within my confines I call home. I can't go anywhere. As I decided upon psilocybin and approached the use of magic mushrooms, I concurrently became interested in Tarot. I have a deck and can-do readings. Whoever devised this revelatory and oracular system was tuned into the ultimate meaning and journey called life. The Major Arcana begins with the Fool. Obviously, I'm the Fool and this is my journey; a journey of transformation. The initial counted card coming right after the Fool is my brother, the shadow, the Magician. Somebody knew what's up. I did two readings concerning my shadow and both times pulled the Magician card. My shadow is great of magic and part of the reason why I was so intent upon exploring this aspect of my being is over the past year and a bit the magic available to me and my perception of it has been off the charts. I won't detail it as I won't convince you of its efficacy. The only way you will intuit magic in this world is through personal experience and the subsequent knowing. I'll leave it at that. My shadow holds the power and in the course of awakening this was offered to me. My teachers, both human and divine, all warned me about this power and how it will seduce all who grab the ring. I'm a good listener, the concept of freedom and liberation was drummed into my head, and I used the pursuit of the Goddess to sidestep the trappings of power. I did it! I'm a made man. I left the magic and power to the domain of my brother, my shadow, the great magician. Now, I have the key to fully awaken and transform my brother in my crowning act of unconditional love.

This is how I see it. The worldwide pandemic was enacted until my frustration at not being able to travel would lead me towards investigating alternative methods of altering consciousness. Eventually, as the timespan was reaching the two-year mark, I had to make a decision whether I'd forego integrity and succumb to the demands of culture in order to travel or stay true to self and my convictions and use the time as an opportunity to explore different modalities of consciousness. When I reached the crunch time of decision, the owl appeared to guide my actions and then coincidentally I started seeing avenues of acquisition for psilocybin mushrooms.

When I returned from Peru in March of 2020 and subsequently integrated my experience, I knew any path forward with Ayahuasca had to involve a deep dive into the shadow. My shadow is masculine; well, he is the ultimate alpha male. When I drink Ayahuasca, the experience is balanced. What I mean is that for as much as I wish to explore the shadow there is the presence of la Madre in the journey and she protects me. She has given me her cloak of protection and thus I enter into altered states knowing she has my back. Ultimately, what I'm looking for is a journey that is mano a mano; just me and my shadow.

Now that I have journeyed with magic mushrooms, it's obvious why I was led to their use. They separate the veil between the dark and the light; to wit me and my shadow. This was the experience I wrote about needing to have. Without lockdown, I never would have done it and would have been frustrated with the use of Ayahuasca to go deep, unencumbered into the domain of the shadow. My shadow is the great magician and can weave a worldwide spell. I clearly see this is the reason for the pandemic. I'm sufficiently deluded to believe my shadow is ultimately responsible for the pandemic with the result to steer me towards the mushroom experience.

So, now that I have followed his guiding hand towards the modality of mushrooms, tripped with him one on one, seen the utility of the mushroom, now I predict the pandemic will come to an end over the next few months. For real.

Follow what is calling out to you. I promise you, it's an adventure like no other.