long past start

"I wish to confront my destructive dark side in order to get closure on that part of my life and turn it into a strength. It is the reconciliation of Horus and Set warring inside me I wish to confront and turn into a positive."

Before I drank Ayahuasca for the first time I told the shaman of this intention. It’s been a hellish kind of ride but ten years later here we are. Plant medicines will address all your intentions in a reciprocal arrangement if you do the same. The second time I drank Ayahuasca my shadow KO’ed me and the idea of turning this into a positive was long gone at that point. Here I am now marvelling at the relationship I have with my shadow. The fulfillment of this intention was not instantaneous but instead a long and winding road, full of twists and turns. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I strongly encourage recording all thoughts and feelings as much as possible as you embark upon this journey. I knew of my intention to confront my dark side, but I had forgotten the part where I said I wanted to turn it into a positive. Imagine my incredulity when I rediscovered that intention after all that has happened to me; I mean after the initial beatdown, positivity was thrown overboard, and it became a game of survival. I am sure there are many available paths to the seeker; I’ll champion the plant medicine path as supreme. At least it was from my standpoint.

As I take the course offered by the master teacher everything starts to become clear. All the visions and events that scared me silly during my initial foray onto this path have been revealed to be the truth. My shadow was just showing me the truth of the human predicament, albeit in a mysterious and ominous tone, however there was nothing deceitful about it. Why was I scared and why did I run? Well, culture told me I shouldn’t be in these realms; I shouldn’t be interacting with this guy; and even the plant medicine practitioners and guides pointed me towards seeking love and light and leaving this place alone. This place kept returning during ceremony and once I became somewhat used to it, curiosity got the better of this cat.

What became clear is Ayahuasca clearly soaks up the energy and intentions of those around her. This manifested in visions of greed concerning some operators of these experiences in the Amazon. I can remember two clear ceremonies where I was continually being told the Ayahuasca brew is contaminated by greed. It is never la pura medicina. This other recurring vision that was very mysterious is starting to come back to me now as I engage the teachings. It revolves around using people to spread your message and co-opting another’s talents to do just this. It was presented as metaphor, and I see it clearly now. I see how the temptation was always to use those who championed a place, or the medicine were used to attract more people onto the plant medicine path. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that is a bad thing. What is shady is using another’s goodwill and service for your monetary advantage and then discarding them once it’s no longer to your advantage. This was all laid out for me and what do you know? It all played out in this regard. The good part is I can separate the plant medicine from the establishment, so instead of denouncing the supposed troubling aspects of them, I can instead just shake my head once again at human beings.

Because of looking back and seeing the profundity of these early visions, I first need to re-read my notes and afterwards I want to question the axiom about psychedelics and set and setting. As I have mentioned before, I eventually get around to challenging all prejudices. My thinking is that having the “proper" set and setting will help push your experience towards love, light, and bliss. However, using this approach you miss out on the other half of the teachings and to me the compelling part of the drama. It is important to engage all the drama of darkness and the light. I’m suggesting a wide variety of different set and settings and with experience experimenting with different scenarios. For instance, if I want to plumb the depths of my shadow it would seem a quiet and dark place, illuminated by perhaps a candle would work best. Instead of a mindset of unity, love, and light, I would gravitate more towards liberation, separation, and even conflict prior to the ceremony. It’s something to further think about.

This also brings up a funny contradiction concerning this path I walk. If you stay around long enough and hear the chatter you will be witness to these terms thrown about such as unity and liberation. However, if you think about it these two ideals are fundamentally opposed. Liberation is breaking free of an attempt to homogenize you into culture. Liberation allows for reclamation of your true self however fraught with difficulty that idea may be. Culture is in essence trying to unify a group of people. The unity spoken of in plant medicine, well, essentially spiritual circles, involves all of humanity breaking free of divisive tribal groups and coming together as a species. It’s an admirable utopian goal and to me it’s a pipe dream. I think I’m far enough down this path to realize it will never happen and in fact I don’t want it to happen. Incarnation is compelling because of the drama. Utopia is devoid of drama and suffering; it’s akin to spending your reward in heaven floating on a cloud and playing a harp. Forever. Who wants that? In addition, my own growth has accelerated the most during times of crisis and suffering. A little acrimony and separation are good for the soul.

I do sense my shadow has control over external events in order to guide me on the road to who knows where. I trust in him now after many years of conflict. The continuing upset of familiarity along the path causes a bit of consternation. It always takes a few days before I circle back towards knowing that my shadow is behind this fork in the road. To sum up, if I want transformation then entering a set and setting that is comfortable might need a little shake up. If anything, it will allow me to sell the pair of rose coloured glasses I own, and Mother Ayahuasca will not have to address my delusions within ceremony no more. I’m not sure what the next step involves but the plot has indeed thickened, and the apple cart has been upset. I stand back from it and smile. It’s all good. He will shine the light towards the direction to take just like he shone that light to get me to this stage of my development.

methodology

The sub-culture of psychedelic users is a fascinating study. I’m not of the joining type so I don’t seek out fellow explorers or join clubs and I tend to keep the community at arm’s length. I prefer to go it alone and keep the outside influences to a minimum. This is my predicament and I’m not championing it above what is calling out to another. However, I do have to remain true to myself.

One of the constants in the use of mind-altering substances is the importance of set and setting. Set is the condition of the one who is going to undergo the experience and setting is where the alteration of consciousness will take place. The set-up is to ensure your papers are in order so that you will have a good trip. We all want rainbows and unicorns. The bad trip into the darkness where you scare yourself silly and have to run from the Devil is somewhat mitigated.

Ever wonder why there is the continual threat of the bad trip? Could it be that the alteration of consciousness is trying to tell you something? Instead of following the rabbit into the labyrinth of the hidden darkness, we develop strategies that lead us towards the bright light of the higher self; a light so blinding we don’t have to deal with our darkness.

In my experience, that is precisely the reason we focus on set and setting. We are intrigued with inner exploration yet we don’t want to deal with all of it, just the good parts. I remember being so thoroughly beaten up as I counted in my first twelve Ayahuasca journeys that three of them were positive and uplifting and the other nine started out within a deep darkness that the majority of the time remained for the whole night. I was tempted many times to give up the exploration of consciousness through psychedelics because going into this darkness was so difficult and upsetting. I wanted smiles and sunshine and to hang out with the fully realized beings who could teach me to be enlightened just like them and instead I was being continually pummelled.

Would I trade the way this all came about if I could? No. It has been perfect. It’s what I wanted in the deep recesses of my soul. Would I want to go through this fire again? Hell, no! My current incarnation seems similar to the process of consciousness exploration that is unfolding.

So, what I’m questioning is the conventional wisdom in regards to when and where you can alter your consciousness. Obviously, a safe place is a must however I’d be interested in cataloguing the effects of certain environments upon the trip. It is a curious happenstance that I have met beings made of love and light who were basically housed in an old warehouse containing a freight elevator, rusted out plumbing, and the sound of dripping water. This also seems like a good place to have an experience with friends.

Psychedelics help you shed identity and reveal your true nature, if you let them. You have to let go of attachments and prejudices to get to the root of self. It becomes clear who you think you are is a cultural latex wrap enveloping something so much greater.

Psychedelics are just one way to the truth. A method is a method. You find what works for you. Meditation. Psychedelics. Darkness retreats. Religion. Extreme exertion. Breath work. Drumming/Trance. The method gets you in. In combination with the method is figuring out why you think you need a method along with understanding just what you are seeking.

My method is psychedelics because they put me face to face with the mystery. The peculiar thing about their use is I don’t get the answers I’m searching for while using them. Psychedelics give me knowledge but usually I don’t understand it. Over the following few months is when I am gifted understanding of what I experienced in combination with a profound remembering.

The understanding comes to me while not on the drug. The intensive experience gives me enough homework for at least six months though I’m constantly referencing experiences from years ago. I did two mushroom trips last December and now a few months later I’m starting to unravel the bequeathed knowledge. I had my initial takeaways from the trip but as I further examined them and prejudices fell away, I got to their core. I see clearly now what they were teaching me and once I gave up my attachment to who I wanted to be, everything fell into place. I started to see cracks in my narrative a few weeks back and then all of a sudden, the dam burst and I got it. It’s a fascinating process.

And that’s why I would suggest you find a method that works for you. A meditator meditates daily and gradually works their way into the inner sanctum. I take drugs and head straight for the buffet however I only gorge myself once or twice over a six-month period. The rest of the time I’m fasting. I do practice my own form of meditation however it’s not the western style. My meditation consists of daily hikes in the forest along with a nightly ritual at my Mesa after communing with sacred tobacco. This puts me in the space we are seeking.

When I first tried psychedelic drugs they scared me. They also made me very curious. Once I got past the fear, I wanted to do them a lot. I didn’t because my drug of choice was fortuitously a long way away; so, instead, I travelled once a year to the Amazon jungle to do them. This worked out in my favour so I didn’t become one who piles ceremony upon ceremony without ever integrating the experiences because if I had access to them I would have followed the love of ceremony trajectory. Now that I’m experienced with these tools I find I want to do them less and less. I still find them fascinating and a wellspring to explore. I have access to magic mushrooms and could do them every weekend if I wanted however I don’t feel that pull. A couple times a year seems about right.