the carnival of control

I don't tell anyone what to do, and I don't listen when people tell me what to do.

Some personality types constantly tell you what to do.

They expect compliance.

There is friction when you do nothing.

That's been the pattern where I'm perceived as passive and able to be manipulated by those that want to be in charge.

It's a power and control dynamic which plays out.

I find a way to do what I want.

Society wants to tell you what to do.

Constitutions and bills of rights recognize this need in humans to tell each other what to do and therefore put limits on it.

That seems to be the crux of those declarations.

Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness seem contingent on others leaving you alone or being restricted in how they can coerce you.

When you enter into a relationship with someone, you don't know if you are getting a totalitarian.

We see it at a macro political level but never stop to examine the phenomenon in our relationships.

We see it at play in work dynamics where your boss can be difficult and make your life miserable.

You can refer to your boss as a dictator as a comparison with the understanding you can quit.

You can't quit society.

You can, but it's difficult.

You probably need your job because you have locked yourself into obligations you need money for.

Same with a relationship.

You make a commitment and it's a legal burden to remove yourself from it.

Things change and you give yourself no opt outs.

Life is easier operating within society.

Having a life partner gives you insurance and a manufactured purpose.

A job unlocks rewards within society.

No one is going to submit to authority without a reward.

Society risks rebellion which ignites revolution.

A totalitarian government must turn security resources against their own people while in theory a more open society has to secure themselves against the encroachment of totalitarian regimes.

Yes, it's sold as freedom.

Wars are fought for freedom.

That's what you are taught in school.

Is that true?

There is some truth to it as you need to repel foreign invaders.

When the world was organized through monarchs the reasons for war were clearer, as in the Persians were invading Egypt for control of resources and dominance.

Populations would be enslaved and literally forced to serve the conquering force.

What would happen if the west collapsed and say China or Russia assumed control?

Well, Russia couldn't maintain control for long, perhaps China could.

What would be the result?

A loss of freedom and exploitation.

Poverty.

Constant rebellion.

Sure, but we aren't free as a population now.

We have the illusion of freedom.

The government keeps an eye on you.

Big tech does the rest of the heavy lifting to force compliance with the rules of society.

What do you mean?

You are monitored for deviance.

The banks keep an eye on you as well.

Yes, they report large transactions to the government.

Why do they do that?

It's the law; it's not a conspiracy.

You are on the grid sucking on the teats of big brother.

Got it.

So, what are wars for?

Imperialism.

Do you think the west wants to help the people of Venezuela?

Well, no, they don't care.

They want their oil.

The communist takeover in that country nationalized the oil industry controlled by western economic interests.

They had a legal framework where they could plunder the resources of the people of Venezuela.

They'd get a lot of profits, and the people would see a trickle-down effect.

Venezuelan people will see a rise in their standard of living if they allow exploitation.

Yes, but they will be robbed of their natural resources.

Do you think the USA wants Greenland for national security interests?

You could make an argument for that.

However, it falls apart when you realize whatever security concerns the USA has can easily be alleviated by the NATO alliance which allows the US to militarize whatever they need to do in Greenland.

Why do they want Greenland?

Rare earth minerals.

Trillions of dollars are at stake.

They will give each citizen a hundred grand and then rob them blind.

Isn't this conspiratorial thinking about Venezuela and Greenland?

No, it's taking in the public positions of the government and twisting it around to see the obvious truth.

Do you think the west wants to help out Iran's people to shed the theocracy that rules them?

No, they want their oil.

I don't see the west rushing to help out the people of the other totalitarian gulf states who oppress their people.

We seem quite friendly with them.

Iran has a lot of oil and the west, much like in Venezuela, had legal contracts which allowed them access to that oil.

Revolution forced them out.

Well, that's what the term "world order" refers to.

Enforcement of legal contracts.

Revolutions and collapse of order nullify legal frameworks and monetary systems.

Your money is worthless without a world order.

That's why the super-rich find tangible assets to invest their money in as a hedge against systemic world collapse.

Yes, I went through this exercise.

I concluded that you need to invest in armaments.

Guns.

Lots of guns.

What are you going to do with a pile of gold?

Attract other people who are hypnotized by a shiny yellow object.

Yes, that works, however, you can't eat it, so the immediate need is food, shelter, and security.

You need to establish a perimeter of security and then work from within that structure.

The homeland.

Yes, that's how it works.

What about investing in real estate?

Lack of enforceable legal frameworks collapse property rights, and a gun enforces claims.

Do the other people in your life know they are in a game?

I think some do.

I didn't know for over 55 years.

I knew something was fishy but couldn't figure it out.

Awakening gives you the tools to figure it out.

You intuit this strange set of games.

Yes, it's a carnival of activities.

The games are rides and games of chance you decide to play.

You don't figure out the game, but you do know it is important to win the game.

Why?

So, you get the rewards of the carnival.

You don't want to pay admission to the fair and be a loser.

Sure, but the casino is rigged.

You can't win.

Some do, but the vast majority are losers.

Yes, so enjoy the free drinks and shrimp cocktail while you can.

Take advantage of what the carnival offers.

The dancing ladies?

Yeah, remember that Ayahuasca vision?

Yes, and being offered one of them.

You declined.

I just wanted to watch the spectacle.

That Ayahuasca vision was giving you a glimpse of the carnival.

I didn't understand it at the time.

I also remember the float of all these sweets that went by, and then Ganesha appeared.

Yeah, it was wild.

Plant medicine will awaken you and then reveal the game.

The longer you keep at it, you will get more knowledge.

Eventually, the second awakening approaches where you are going to see through the game.

If you take that step, you are cooked.

How did don Howard manage?

He hid in the jungle and started up a camp for seekers.

Most came out of curiosity.

He called the place "SpiritQuest."

It's an odd name when you think of it.

Why?

The quest part.

What the hell is that?

It's a game within the game.

The highbrow game where you figure out the game.

That's the quest.

It involved awakening, tests, a jaguar, riddles, sorcerers, witches, and helpers.

Your path was an initiation into that world.

I figured out the game.

The carnival.

Getting the high score.

Becoming the most high.

Being able to navigate mind states without collapsing.

It's unteachable.

Why?

You can't survive it.

How did you do it?

I'm special.

I've always been special.

When I was younger, I realized I was different.

Special.

It makes sense that I can do this, though there is no requirement that it needs to make sense.

Why is that?

Because it's crazy.

It doesn't make sense to everyone else.

When I had my second awakening and started seeing the game in its entirety, the pressure on me to leave became enormous.

How did you manage the load?

You do nothing.

The interesting part of these tests that you face is that your demise is of your own doing.

There's an exercise you can do in your head which will allow you to navigate this rocky passage.

What is it?

You play it out to its conclusion in your head.

You see what the result is of all your actions.

If you studied Tao, then of course you will do nothing.

When you do nothing, the external pressure collapses.

Why?

It needs input from you.

It works every time.

So, you recommend doing nothing?

I recommend the flow.

If you gotta take a shit, then take a shit.

To try and prevent that is doing something.

So, the key is to flow and not fight the current.

Correct, and that sometimes is doing nothing or taking the path of least resistance.

Such as taking a big shit when warranted.

Exactly.

Our society is obsessed with control.

Yes, therefore you hear talk of A-type personalities who exhibit the need to be in control.

The underlings are betas.

We are obsessed with the notion of the alpha, especially the alpha male.

Yeah, it's aspirational.

It's built into the structure of society, and no one questions it.

It's like a koan.

If you can see past this construct, you are given insight.

The idea of the alpha is embedded into our systems of worship and who we think is in charge.

Yes, there must be someone in charge.

That idea is God and he is the alpha.

There is no one higher in our system than God.

It's baked in.

If you see past that then you can win the game.

Get the high score and become the most high.

If you do not free yourself from the mind control of culture, you will never see it.

The most high is the writer of this story.

We are living in a story.

God is a character within the Writer's story.

Is the Writer the alpha?

No, he is part of a triumvirate with the Goddess and Eros.

There is no alpha.

Alpha is reserved for God.

God is a phantom who you think is in control so the Writer can remain undetected.

What about the Goddess?

She is a woman; therefore, in our culture she is denied.

What about Eros?

They are defined as lust and sinful.

It's God or bust.

dogmatic unravelling

In my youth, I never had much time for the Bible. I concluded religion was superstition, wishful thinking, and not rational. Religion had its uses in being able to inculcate within a group of people a like-minded belief system which would allow them to stay together as a cohesive nation. The Old Testament and the twelve tribes of Israel is such an example which brought together the Israelites to form a nation who worshipped the god Yahweh. Looking back at the impact of the Old Testament, it really is an exquisite template for nation building in addition to holding the nation together through the trials and tribulations of history. In contrast, the New Testament brings together many nations under the umbrella of Christianity, which crosses ethnic bounds, and can become a worldwide unifying force through the power of Jesus Christ. So, I see the utility in such methods of nation building and bringing together disparate groups of people through belief systems.

In my own spiritual education, I recently wrote the final exam on the two brothers within my masculine psychic makeup. Within, I see the light and the dark and I stopped identifying with one at the expense of the other. As with everything, my makeup reflects the two which create a triad. I am three. I am the one from the two and the two are who I am. My masculine self is the sum of the two brothers of the light and darkness within. Furthermore, my relationship to the feminine divine recreates unity and I’m that unity. I subdivide into feminine and masculine and bring the dualistic universe to life. Go forth and multiply!

Ultimately, in psychological terms, I am sick. I have multiple identities you could say, though identities isn't the right word for the condition. They just are appearances of self upon the eternal cycling wave of manifestation. They are really who I am minus identity. Identity is the purview of the divine actor who is me. This actor is so good at his craft he has us all fooled. I don’t even know if I’m the actor because I’ve totally bought into the character and role. Internally, I take the two brothers and try to balance them out which creates the actor on this stage of life. The actor has an internal protagonist and an antagonist thus the drama can commence with the necessary tools for a good story and adventure. I play it small because I assume this personality and go about my daily business playing this inconsequential being in a vast universe trying to make something of myself. It's very funny because I now know the opposite is true. The two brothers who comprise my inner psychic world combine to become the masculine everything. I use the term "masculine everything" because I don't want to call myself god as that turns people off. So, yeah, I'm god. I am the masculine life force that brings this whole construct into existence and then gets lost, so I don't know who I am. I then have an adventure.

Why two? It’s simple. Manifestation into this world of form requires objectification and therefore we are all dualistic constructs. We are hyper aware of differences and delineate through our senses. Why would the descent of god into form be any different? He is two. He is the light and the dark. God is the two brothers who are my essence. When I recognize this totality, I become him. When I play it small, I am a tiny speck in a vast and unknowable universe.

It's very funny to me because our ego identifies with whom you have been told you are from the day you were born. You are given an identity and have to carve out a place in the world to become somebody because you are nobody. We strive to make it in this world. It's an exquisite game when you think about it once you have discovered who you really are. Becoming nobody once again will lead you to the truth.

Anyway, I know in this lifetime my inner most desire and subsequent adventure I wanted to have concerns solving the puzzle of life. I wanted to see if I could figure out the mystery. I initially laid down the parameters for the game such as being born into a peaceful and prosperous country in a middle-class family. I gave myself the intelligence to be successful at whatever I chose to be in life, and I tempered this with a lack of ambition. My avatar as constructed was a pre-incarnation stroke of genius. In hindsight, I could have maximally monetized my smarts and led a life of excess and trivial desire fulfillment once I figured out my power. However, I wanted none of that. I wanted to be left alone to my thoughts and this eventually led me to the mystery after 40 years of sleepwalking through life.

I found the particular methods I needed to master in order to get the answers I was searching for. There's another pitfall to be avoided at this point. Eventually, you see this great power available to pretty much get whatever you want. All my fleshly inner desires, which are like trips to the carnival in that they fulfill sensory pleasure, I manifested at this point. I was getting everything I wanted that I had suppressed. The pull of the mystery still held sway over me, and I let the desires fall by the wayside however tempting and intriguing they appeared to be. I then got the answer to the mystery.

So, I see the answer encoded in many religions, myths, and fairy tales yet no one understands them because we have externalized the inner journey and fail to see who we really are. We are all god in drag playing a peculiar game of not knowing. Some beliefs systems do teach of our divinity, but the intellectual pursuit seems to stop at that point and the likelihood of going further seems to end. No one seems to connect to the dualistic manifestation of god on this plane of existence and treats him as one. Unity is the holiest of the holy. On the other hand, I'm an Einsteinian in that perception is reliant upon perspective and this includes god.

This understanding has allowed me to look with fascination upon the Holy Bible. The Old Testament and New Testament combining into one book is interesting in that the sum really does point to the answer to the mystery. It's so amazing because the understanding has been lost yet I see it and it's glorious. The world at large will never recover this knowledge because the idea of God and Jesus are taught in a way where there is no way you will see what I see. I will briefly lay out what I'm talking about, and you can say I'm deluded and have concocted this interpretation to fit my storyline and that's okay. I'm cool with it.

Yahweh is the alpha shadow within us all. He demands worship and conformity. He was the one who brought this dualistic world to life, separating the firmaments, punctuated by "Let there be light!”

Genesis chapter 1 (King James Version):

3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

The darkness released the light. The shadow needs the light in order to appear. Light creates duality.

God demands worship. He gives us commandments and requirements that must be followed upon penalty of death. This is nation building which rallies around deity. The required worship is designed so that you never forget. Your world is inundated with Yahweh, and you share this duty to always remember him with everyone else.

Yahweh is unrelenting and has no room for dissent. He is indignant and will fly into a rage at a moment's notice. Yahweh is the dragon. Whoa! Wait a minute. God is love and light. What are you talking about? Let me share some bible verses from the patriarchs and prophets.

Exodus chapter 19 (King James Version):

18 And mount Sinai was altogether on a smoke, because the Lord descended upon it in fire: and the smoke thereof ascended as the smoke of a furnace, and the whole mount quaked greatly.

Ezekiel chapter 22:

20 As they gather silver, and brass, and iron, and lead, and tin, into the midst of the furnace, to blow the fire upon it, to melt it; so will I gather you in mine anger and in my fury, and I will leave you there, and melt you.

21 Yea, I will gather you, and blow upon you in the fire of my wrath, and ye shall be melted in the midst thereof.

22 As silver is melted in the midst of the furnace, so shall ye be melted in the midst thereof; and ye shall know that I the Lord have poured out my fury upon you.

In the opening chapter of Nahum is dragonesque imagery of earthquakes, melting hills, and a scorched earth which is followed by more excellent dragon imagery, as Yahweh pours his fury out as fire and throws rocks down at those that do not obey.

5 The mountains quake at him, and the hills melt,

and the earth is burned at his presence,

yea, the world, and all that dwell therein.

6 Who can stand before his indignation?

and who can abide in the fierceness of his anger?

his fury is poured out like fire,

and the rocks are thrown down by him.

2 Samuel chapter 22 is quite the dragon sighting as smoke pours out of Yahweh's nostrils and then he breaths fire. Additionally, Samuel poetically describes Yahweh sweeping through the heavens upon the wings of the wind.

7 In my distress I called upon the Lord,

and cried to my God:

and he did hear my voice out of his temple,

and my cry did enter into his ears.

8 Then the earth shook and trembled;

the foundations of heaven moved

and shook, because he was wroth.

9 There went up a smoke out of his nostrils,

and fire out of his mouth devoured:

coals were kindled by it.

10 He bowed the heavens also, and came down;

and darkness was under his feet.

11 And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly:

and he was seen upon the wings of the wind.

12 And he made darkness pavilions round about him,

dark waters, and thick clouds of the skies.

13 Through the brightness before him

were coals of fire kindled.

Also, in the 18th Psalm we have passages that are comparable to 2 Samuel 22 that describes Yahweh as a dragon with smoke coming out of his nostrils, fire out of his mouth, and riding on the wings of the wind. Darkness surrounds his habitation which is given cover by dark waters and thick clouds; the typical dragon’s lair.

6 In my distress I called upon the Lord,

and cried unto my God:

he heard my voice out of his temple,

and my cry came before him, even into his ears.

7 Then the earth shook and trembled;

the foundations also of the hills moved

and were shaken, because he was wroth.

8 There went up a smoke out of his nostrils,

and fire out of his mouth devoured:

coals were kindled by it.

9 He bowed the heavens also, and came down:

and darkness was under his feet.

10 And he rode upon a cherub, and did fly:

yea, he did fly upon the wings of the wind.

11 He made darkness his secret place;

his pavilion round about him

were dark waters and thick clouds of the skies.

12 At the brightness that was before him his thick clouds passed,

hail stones and coals of fire.

13 The Lord also thundered in the heavens,

and the Highest gave his voice;

hail stones and coals of fire.

14 Yea, he sent out his arrows, and scattered them;

and he shot out lightnings, and discomfited them.

No one told you about these excellent descriptions of Yahweh? I've read the Old Testament and the understanding gradually came to me once I dropped prejudice. I see Yahweh for who he is and it's very intriguing. He is great of magic and will grant you what it is you desire and place conditions upon that access to power. Failure to live up to your end of the bargain invites consequences and calamity. Do you understand history? If you do, you can clearly see it.

On the other hand, the New Testament is the counter balance to the shadow of the Old Testament. Jesus Christ is the way and the light. He is the higher self. He is the externalization of the light within us all. His father Yahweh is the darkness from which Christ as the light comes forth. The two are the one, with Christianity teaching the triad by adding in the Holy Spirit so that the truth of the three is contained within the godhead. The Holy Spirit descends upon the human enabling them to share in divinity with the light and the dark thus forming a triad which is the basis for all coming forth in this world of duality. The Holy Spirit allows us to share in divinity.

The construct I laid out at the beginning of this post is trying to explain that you are divine and for a man in this dualistic world this divinity is the two brothers within. The sum of this light and dark comprises the essence of your appearance - your coming forth by day. You can sever this connection and play it small; in other words, be the ego that has something to prove. You can adopt the idea that you are small and insignificant in this vast universe and have to “make it."

Jesus will take on all our burdens; he will heal us and will die for our sins. He is everything you would expect your higher self to be. Jesus hangs out with the down and out, the whores and the thieves. This is us. It’s a clever way of saying within all of us is Jesus and he will befriend you no matter how degenerate you are. He will forgive you.

This understanding of the Old and New Testament, which is uniquely my own, has allowed me to reconcile with these world religions instead of dismissing them as patriarchal remnants of a superstitious past. As with all great belief systems, there is an exoteric and esoteric component within them all. The exoteric is for the masses who don’t have the spiritual acumen to make the connections to their inner world and power. The esoteric is marvellously hidden and is constantly unveiling its mystery the deeper you go. This is the exciting part of the journey in that it seems there’s always more.

do you believe in god?

At multiple points in our life we face this strange question: Do you believe in God? Curiously, it’s not a one-time occurrence. Over and over again you are asked this question and I have always found it catches me off guard and I have an internal reaction to the question. You can’t escape the question because for some it's a veiled way to judge you by how you answer. The religious will know they can count on you to join in their groupthink if you answer in the affirmative and the atheist will give you a knowing nod if you answer no. As well, there is the child who innocently asks you the same question with no ulterior motive. Because they look up to you and can be influenced by your answer, I’m always hesitant to answer.

I have a friend on a similar journey who has been using this word quite regularly as of late and it is the catalyst for why I actually wanted to concretize my experience with “God” so the next time someone asks me this question I can wax eloquently for a nauseatingly long time about what I know.

Now, I said, "what I know" because I’m not comfortable with faith and belief. Indeed, it is possible you can know and the remnants of my coming of age as a man of reason and logic still influence my thought processes. In fact, I wouldn’t be walking this spiritual path if I didn’t think I could know. I would have abandoned ship a long time ago. I’m not saying that I’ll ever know all the answers because I won’t but as long as I keep going on the path I’ll acquire knowledge which will then lead to understanding and eventually you will see me as a madman on the street corner quoting biblical verses about the need to repent and the coming apocalypse. Okay, scratch the last part. Instead, my goal is to be able to formulate my answer to this strange question in a way that will plant a seed.

I’m surprised it has taken me this long to actually sit down and write out my answer to the question. I say this because when I reached middle age 13 years ago, I resolutely decided I was going to discover the origin of beliefs. I considered myself an atheist but I was curious as to why humans had these strange beliefs in god, gods, and the like. We have a great capacity for the irrational however at the same time it is always balanced out by the level-headed among us and for a great deal of human history this question would have been preposterous to even ask. The rational and irrational took this for granted and did not question the existence of the gods. I pondered the reasons for these unchallenged beliefs; deducing that superstition and wishful thinking along with a desire for an explanation of why things are the way they are in order to find meaning and purpose to life were plausible as answers. I also hypothesized maybe there was more to it than my rational brain could comprehend and perhaps the mystics of yore were able to make a connection with ethereal spirits. At any rate, I was supremely self-confident in my ability to eventually find the answer. It’s something that has served me well in my life - I know if I put my mind towards a problem I’ll get the answer. That in combination with the realization I’m a mystic at heart will lead me into uncharted territory the sober logicians among us fear to tread. As a champion of reason and logic, it is quite surprising that I can approach the mystical and explore. The scientist can only get so far before they start trying to map out the experience instead of letting go and free-falling into the abyss.

When I started out on this path, I investigated the world religions of current day and antiquity and became fascinated with the ancient Egyptians. The soaring majestic structures of the land and outpouring of religious literature of their culture led me towards an intellectual acceptance that allowed me to take them at their word. I believed what it was they were trying to convey. Would you build an unfathomable pyramid based upon superstition? Not only that, but the construction of multiple pyramids plus hundreds of temples. This allowed me to turn my efforts towards figuring out how they did it. By it I mean not how they managed to physically build a pyramid which is a mystery in itself, but how they came into contact with their gods. To make a long story short, in essence a study of the great goddesses of the land gave me the answer. The great goddess Hathor at her temple in Denderah was propitiated and approached through ecstatic dance, percussive and rhythmic music making, and intoxication. I connected this to archaic shamanism and a series of fortunate events then led me into the Amazon basin to drink this psycho-spiritual potion called Ayahuasca. Within a half hour of drinking that cup I had my answer.

Knowledge and understanding are quite different concepts. Just because I now knew there was a realm of spirits, gods, and goddesses didn’t mean I understood what it was all about. That has taken over seven years to get to the point where I can confidently answer the question, "do you believe in God?"

And here’s my answer. I believe in God and Goddess. I’ve met them. I have spoken at length with both of them.

As a mystic, it's actually not surprising I can do this. There currently isn't an academy for aspiring mystics that award you with a diploma in recognition of your power. Instead, you just know. It's the same with enlightenment where we look externally for confirmation of our spiritual mastery. It's quite funny to me. 

God and Goddess are my eternal parents who are the omnipresent flowing energy that are the fundamental makeup of everything in this universe. Everything is energy and the energy is the interplay of God and Goddess. The masculine divine is the acceleration of the pulse of energy and the divine feminine is the deceleration of the energy. She creates form and he provides the form with the spark of life. She promotes the coming together of all through love and he seeks liberation through destruction of form. The attraction between the two and the constant transformation at the heart of all is just what is. When they are together in a cosmic embrace we have darkness and potential. Come the Big Bang we have separation and light. And the appearance of a multitudinous of form as in their offspring. Within creation plays out the continual eternal pulse of just what is and because we have become self-aware we develop consciousness and can sense the energetic patterns of the universe. The evolution of this conscious awareness is the gift of mom and dad. Their children were conceived to become greater than the gods through the combination of energy and consciousness. The ultimate gift of love consists of eternal life in combination with knowing you are eternal. Your parents created this for you and bequeathed it all to their children.

My father doesn’t suffer fools. It has to be this way to teach you to be a brave warrior, full of strength and courage. Stand up for yourself. Don’t be a coward. The many faces of God are all my cosmic dad; the supreme actor whose methods of teaching are harsh. In addition, he is like the genie with the three wishes. He will offer you whatever you want and the smart play is turn him down and put him back in the bottle. I chafed at the god of the Old Testament for so long until I saw in him one of the many faces of God. Meet him in this guise and the phrase, “fear and trembling” comes to life. Now, I read the story of the Jews and see in it what happens when you ask for power. These are stories about power, reciprocity, recompense, and the consequences of not living up to your end of the bargain.

My mom created this playground called earth that us ungrateful siblings are fouling at an accelerated rate. I remember when I started out in earnest on the hero’s journey to reveal the mystery and find my treasure. She knew it could end in disaster because the ultimate alpha male, my dad, pulls no punches and will kill you if he must to teach you a lesson. She tried to hold on to me, to protect me, but eventually realized I had to do it. I was ready and she had to let me go. She gave me her cloak of protection and sent me on my way to face the dragon.

Throughout our lives the answer to the mystery stares us right in the face. We just don’t see it. As a parent you want everything for your children. You sacrifice. You witness them rebel and try to make it on their own and you let them go because you know it has to be this way. You want to step in and make it all work for them; to give them advice and a helping hand but ultimately you know for growth you let them find their way and hope that one day they find their way back home. I have walked this path for a long time now and I have returned to the steps of the front door of mom and dad. The greatest gift is the discovery of just who you are. I see it clearly now and the tears are flowing as I ready for the reunion. We are all the sons and daughters of God and Goddess. The two divine parents are the essence of my being and I carry them with me on my forever path.

otorongocito

It’s all an act. I’m such a good actor I don’t even recognize I am acting so how would I comprehend the masterful dramatic performance of the ultimate actor? I’ve seen the master teacher and marvelled at how he transcends time. How he multiplies coincidences to the point of absurdity. How he wakes me from dreams at his whim to give me food for thought. How he laughs as I curse him and tell him I’m going to destroy him. He then whispers in my ear as I wake, “I’m going to kill you.” He continuously challenges me and watches me fall down. He speaks to me with the voice of a madman, contributing to my psychosis. As with the Goddess, he never has given up on me, though his curriculum is deadly.

He plays multiple roles and wears different costumes; therefore, the subterfuge with the help of cultural indoctrination, originally caused me to identify him as an external entity. He sometimes scares the shit out of me while subsequently appearing as a struggling actor in a vision with the sole purpose of enacting a scene change and hinting at a new lesson plan. He has a recurring role as “god" though a great deal of the new generation are tiring of that one. Sometimes, he is red and has horns.

He’s the great jaguar. I’m so dense that when I transformed into a jaguar during an Ayahuasca ceremony I thought, “shit, I’m such a bad ass and so courageous that I earned it." Instead, the big lesson was you are him. Look. Can’t you see it? You’re just coming home. You’re the son of colossal power. The indescribable, unknowable, and indestructible energy of the universe - the masculine polarity defined as the zoë, underlies all these manifestations and is you too. The master class involves remembering that you are the jaguar.

Therefore, I’m really teaching myself. Teaching myself courage, bravery, and liberation. All this suffering is for liberation and transformation. The mass suffering is done out of a love so deep that it puts us all through hell so we will rise above it. It is the impetus for the hero’s journey. The master class teaches liberation in order to be free of conditions and act of your own choice and accord. If you want to discover whom you really are and the nature of this existence that seems to be an imperative.

After I returned from class in Peru in 2016, I had this very strange dream. I was in the maloca at SpiritQuest during a Huachuma ceremony. I was naked and don Howard poured Huachuma, the consistency of green slime, all over me. I smoked a Mapacho and put it out on the ceremonial floor to which I was chastised by don Howard for my lack of respect. It got even stranger but I’ll leave out those details because they’ll take away from the gist of this tale. Anyway, I have sporadically tried over the ensuing four plus years to figure out the meaning of this dream. It was one of those dreams that I had no trouble recalling the next day as opposed to the majority that just fade away, even while you are in the midst of recalling them. I think I finally figured it out.

In that cycle of work at SpiritQuest, I had succeeded in blowing past my fears and limitations and indeed within an Ayahuasca ceremony I raised my consciousness and transformed into a jaguar. It was a recognition of unlocking that power within and subsequently I have realized that jaguar was freed from deep within my shadow and he was accepting me into his training school. Jaguar training school, the order of the jaguar; I was enrolled!

It’s been a challenge for sure; I’ve skipped class numerous times however at some point I have also studied and learned so much knowledge which I have converted into understanding and wisdom. I get the feeling it’s hard to get kicked out of this school once you are accepted; instead, the heat is just turned up to see what you are made of and to force you to transform or perish. The course will probably last the remainder of my biological life. I’m an attentive student, though at times led away by distractions.

The last phase of the work in 2016 involved a ceremony with the sacred Vilca and my intensive phase of 2016 ended with communing with the curanderos and curanderas of renown. I was told that within I had the ability to heal and my primary method of healing involved the sacred tobacco Mapacho. In retrospect, apparently a magic wand isn't waved and you don’t automatically become an agent of healing. Instead, there is training through the adventure of life. I’ve incorporated Mapacho into my daily ritual and maintained a somewhat respectful attitude towards him while always treating him with reverence. I have repeatedly observed his effects and have definitely noticed that respect negates addiction. That lesson is alone worth the price of tuition. Mapacho can contain up to 20x the nicotine levels of a regular cigarette. I smoke regularly and have no cravings or withdrawal symptoms. I can go days or even months without smoking if it’s unavailable, like during this current pandemic. In other words, addiction to tobacco, the nicotine within the plant, is a result of behaviour that does not respect the plant. Tell that to a scientist or even someone you know. Watch them raise their eyebrow.

The effects of Mapacho involve heightening the senses and an energetic connection to your surroundings. The dosage level is admittedly tough as I enter into this new phase of my teachings. I have to sit down and find a quiet space, he is that intense. However, I can see the energy, I can feel the energetic connection, and I can hear sounds far off into the distance as the clarity envelops me. I have a feeling what this is leading to: Mapacho calls out to the Jaguar to come forth. The forging of consciousness and energy is the new lesson plan.

Anyway, back to the dream - the ceremony was obviously a consecration into the order of the Jaguar which involved taking an oath binding both of us. Don Howard presided over the ceremony and welcomed me into the order. The great Jaguar is the ultimate warrior, the alpha of all alphas, and the cosmic grandfather teaching me the ways of the wise. To Otorongo I earned my place as Otorongocito. 

alpha

It’s been one helluva journey. A progression from one step at a time to the next. If this knowledge was revealed all at once, I would declare it madness and move on. In fact, my first direct meeting with the divine masculine power was an exercise in madness and fear. It was set up to be a test; to see if I had it in me to walk this path. And a test it was as he got into my head. The reveal was a master stroke of genius in that I could decide to never go back however I would always know he was there. There was opportunity and the easy way out; easy power and glory. Alternatively, I could run. I ran. Subsequently, I regrouped and came back. I was still scared but I wasn’t going to let this beat me. I never give in once I put my mind towards something and I hate to lose. This resolve has come forth within my life as an unwavering self-confidence bordering on arrogance.

The thing is, the perception of the warrior is a man of outward strength and an intimidating presence. This describes the alpha male and is the epitome of what he is. A master of his domain and no one messes with him. A gladiator. I’m none of that; I never have been and never will be. I am meek and unassuming. The bestowing of greatness upon the warrior king tested in the fires of battle was not something that could be predicted for me. I’m a behind the scenes kind of guy. I can be successful but expectations will be tempered. Or so I thought.

Courage is a funny thing. You don’t know if you have it until crunch time. When I played sports as a kid, I liked the big moment and the pressure. I could always raise my game when it came down to the wire. Not only that, but I could keep up with the jocks even though physically they were one up on me. I’d always outsmart them and gain an advantage in that regard. I’d outrun them all in the 40-yard dash because I was quick off the draw but come the 100 yards they’d catch me. Unfortunately, I wasn’t ready for the big life test when it first happened, courage did not come, and I retreated in fear. Jesus was waiting to console me but I brushed him aside. He’s a relic for the weak; an avatar granted by the maestro as a way to approach but don’t get too close to the power.

Underestimate me at your own peril. Admittedly, I initially suck at new experiences, however given enough time I master them. I returned home, tail between my legs, and made plans to give it another shot. My fortitude made the ultimate alpha male take notice. After previously swatting me away, here I was back for more. I stood toe to toe and took the beating but didn’t back down. Sure, there was fear and trepidation in the face of lunacy however I had courage. Courage came to me and I grasped that sucker, never to let it go. He had to take notice. It was a new paradigm I was demonstrating that instead of outward displays of being an alpha, I was the inner alpha warrior. Don’t mess with me or I’ll best you. I’ve always known that. I walk around life absolutely knowing and demonstrating this inner conviction.

The Goddess implored me to go after him. Free her from the chains he kept her in. At that point she knew I could hang with him and that I discovered his secret and the mystery. This act of discovery would free them both. Well played. The whole world was on notice after that outcome. I don't look like Heracles but I just did what no mortal has ever done. I didn’t know it at the time but I do now. No one does what I did and gets away with it. You either run away or you succumb to the power and become its slave. I was still a free agent and ready to do more fighting. I continued the battle on home turf, gained confidence, and came back for more. My tenacity was such that the gods had no choice but to recognize my accomplishment. I sat in a ceremony and transformed into a jaguar; the ultimate symbol of the alpha masculine power who rules his domain. I recognized my inner strength; I felt a huge blast of conscious awareness and then the serpent energy surged and I felt so powerful. A jaguar appeared in the distance and was coming straight at me. I intuited an intense maleness about the jaguar and soon he was right in front of my face. He roared ferociously at me. I felt no fear. I roared back and I became the jaguar. I was the most powerful person in the world. I let out multiple roars to let everyone know I was the king of the jungle. I sat there bathed in light while sitting on my throne as the throngs came to pay obeisance. At the time, I was still oblivious to what I’d accomplished and it was probably best it remained that way.

I kept peeling away the veils and continued to get to the crux of who exactly it was I was dealing with and his identity. It’s difficult to know if you are really figuring it out or just deluding yourself. What I can say is pay attention to the synchronicities because they are confirmations. These affirmations were so plentiful I knew I was on to him. I’m precocious and maybe too big for my britches. When I see in others the cockiness I exude, I secretly enjoy seeing them fail. It’s now the big irony. However, I know how I got here and I did it honestly. No shortcuts; no grasping of a ring of power that was unearned.

In my case, the plant medicine path towards becoming a man of knowledge is most rewarding during the integration period. It is open ended and each successive experience reveals so much. This past year has been the most fascinating to date as I figured it out. I got home a week before the world went into pandemic lockdown. Of course I did. It’s still in lockdown a year later and my education continues. No going back until the maestro says so. You have to see it all, come to terms with it, and then you can set your intentions and come back.

My shadow is the master teacher, the ultimate alpha male, and is now my teacher and friend. I celebrate him, the divine masculine energy and his wife, the divine feminine energy at my Mesa. My Mesa is lit. I stand in front of this conduit and tremble because of the power coursing through me. We come together at that sacred spot. The steel has been forged in the fires of hell tempered by the love of a Goddess. What a fucking ride! 

the spiritual man's schtick

On this path which can lead to a spiritual awakening, the expectation is that you would run into many instances of the masculine ideal of enlightenment or the behaviours that are deemed necessary to achieve it. If you join up with a discipline then discipline you are in for! The guru path will eventually lead to an understanding of awareness and attachment after you have moved up through the ranks. We suffer because we seek fulfillment in ideals that have their root in the machinations of the mind. When these desires are not fulfilled then we suffer. So, the antidote and the ultimate goal is to let go of all attachments and not to desire.

What a way to live! The ascetic life of no pleasure and a denial of the passions. Through this practice, and not attaching to anything, you become one with your higher self and are a beacon of pure consciousness. That's the whole trip! You are the cosmic alpha male, superior to all others. As a culture, we have embraced a god who is a domineering and righteous male overlord. He has as one of his epithets the title of "the most high." Pleasure is frowned upon, especially sex as it is for procreation only. 

Then why bother with life? Why go on with this charade? To be human is to experience, to desire, to get attached, and to suffer. Through the agony and ecstasy of life, we learn the value of cooperation and love of our fellow travellers on this journey. Love is the most spiritual thing you will ever encounter in your life. There is no other comparison and having the ability to love and be loved is something that should not be wasted. There is nothing spiritual about asceticism and non-attachment, no far from it. The spiritual path ultimately needs balance or it becomes another male only quest, a competition to ascend the mountain, and become the most high.