apollo and dionysos

I showed grace when challenged with hurt and suffering.

I did not lash out or seek revenge.

I was kind and generous.

That was the final spiritual test.

There's always more if you want but there's no need.

The spiritual path is an attachment.

It's a burning desire to become the most holy.

The most high.

When you free yourself from the spiritual path it's symbolic.

It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

What do you call your path?

The path of the heart.

My heart is my mother.

I returned to my original teachings where I was looking for answers and hadn't stepped onto a landmine.

What was the landmine?

Shamanism mixed with spirituality.

I mixed the two.

Aren't you supposed to?

Sort of.

Shamanism shows you what is.

Humanism attached spirituality to it.

You had to kill Buddha.

I had to take my own advice and separate myself from spirituality.

Don't you have to get rid of the shaman?

I'm a shaman.

I know how to get myself to the door of what it is I seek and don't need an external guide.

You should be dead.

The stories are getting crossed.

They are mixed up because you shouldn't be here.

That's why your mailbox key stopped working.

There's a new owner of this house.

I'm still here.

That's how you know you beat the game and returned to keep playing.

That's the story I tell myself.

Yes, do you think it's believable?

It's what keeps happening.

Everyone thinks I should be gone but I never left.

Some people were concerned for me because I was supposed to go and then they got upset I didn't leave.

They will be happy when you go.

I don't know about happiness, but they will have a sense of control and faith in the system.

What's the system?

When you transgress society, you must go.

How do you do that?

You stop doing what they want.

You piss off your neighbours.

Seems like my story.

I think some people just want to say I told you so.

Yeah, they see the path you are on and predict it will be your downfall.

Everyone wants to be proven correct.

I think striving for 50-50 is the better play.

You know that, they don't.

They want to win.

You just want to keep playing.

Win some, lose some.

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da.

I hate that song.

Love the Beatles, but that song is the worst.

Is it worse than Eddie Grant's "Electric Avenue?"

No.

I finally get what they mean by runner's high.

I shoveled snow and when I came back into the house, I felt high.

If you don't know what high means, that statement means nothing.

You'd have to be familiar with some kind of drug to know what they are talking about.

A jogger is looking for a fix.

Yes, and they are addicted.

I'm motivated by spite.

Yes, I think of ways to avenge any slight.

It's the main reason for still being alive and haunting everyone.

It's spite.

I'm kind, generous, and spiteful.

When you stop being spiteful, you can go.

That might take a while.

I think that's why the spiritual path teaches you non-attachment.

Yes, the spiritual path tries to get you to go.

If you aren't attached, you are going to go.

When you lose attachments, you get the feeling it's time to go and if you are walking a spiritual path, it is a deadly combination.

Your elevated levels of spite keep you here.

A spiritual master would advise you to give up spite.

A master game player would hang onto that spite and dish it out on the regular.

What will you choose?

I choose both.

It's tempting to give it up and become ultra-holy, however I'm tired of that game.

Spite beckons you to seek out satisfaction among all those who have wronged you.

I think you keep it on the back burner.

You juggle both and don't choose either.

The balance is in doing both.

You aren't going to ignore spite because it is the elixir which keeps you in the game.

You need something to keep you around, so you play with spite.

It adds spice.

It's another thing to juggle but this is worth it.

It's a pillar of this game like trust and belief.

Spite.

So, the spiritual path is suicidal?

It can be.

Non-attachment will lead to you blasting off and not returning.

You need something to keep you grounded.

It's the sacred and the profane.

Mr. Snuff will help a lot.

I'm looking forward to it.

Paul.

1967 to 2024.

RIP.

I weave that thread with the twist of my darkness becoming light.

The rise of Dion and the fall of Paul.

Yeah, I took a fall.

That's the symbolic transfer of power.

Dion is in charge.

That's cool, I trust him, and it's not my body to hoard.

Your adversaries thought you were to physically leave in 2024 but as it turns out you took a mental leave.

Yes, I'm on leave due to mental pressure.

I'll leave my phone on so you can still contact me, but for all inquiries please contact Dion.

I'm on vacation and Dion is filling in now.

He doesn't know what he is getting in to.

He knows my act, so he will keep the story moving, however it's Dion, so don't fuck with him.

Poor Pentheus.

I'm learning from you.

It will be a super you.

Unstoppable.

Your grace and his power.

What do you call this?

Delusions of grandeur.

Yeah, but I keep it quiet, if not they would hospitalize you.

I feel normal.

Yeah, but they still lock you up.

You're a menace to society.

How?

You see through the curtain.

Got it.

So, how do I keep playing?

Shut up about it.

I will write about it.

I can't help it.

Yeah, but no one reads your writing.

You give everyone access and so they know, but no one can make a case against you.

The secret to continually playing is to let no one know you know and to keep your pants on.

They are equally important for someone who has gone as far as you.

When you finish the performance, you take your costume off.

Every actor does it.

That's the symbolism behind it.

If you keep the costume on, you can keep playing.

Everyone will think you are still an actor.

If you are dead, they know you aren't an actor anymore.

You become a legendary actor.

If you die, you leave the stage.

You wake up to the dream.

You woke up and kept the costume on.

I wanted to take it off, but I did that discreetly and then put it back on.

I made sure no one saw me naked like the Noah story and his third son Ham who he then cursed.

That's a fantastic weave into that biblical story that is so weird, and no one understands.

Yes, if someone sees you naked when you go crazy, you lose the game.

I knew the game.

So, here I am.

You are either nuts or you have figured out the game.

I say both.

I intuit that in order to see into the game, you need to go completely crazy.

Yes.

I did.

I practiced first with crazy women, my dog Luna, and tenants.

I knew crazy.

I went for it, took the test, did what I needed to do, and passed.

It's like walking through fire.

A crazy bird laughed with me.

Again.

They know I did it.

It's like that mockingbird in 2013 the first time I went into the jungle to drink Ayahuasca.

No one thought you could pull this off.

If the writer doesn't write you a part in the next play, you're in purgatory.

It's preferable to him putting you into a hellscape.

Don't get on his bad side as he has the power of the pen.

You don't want money or pleasure.

You want the pen.

I have it.

Yes, you're the one.

Neo.

Exactly.

I gave my body to the pen, so he could write the rest of the story.

Yes, that's it.

Then the pen becomes flesh.

The Word.

Dion.

You.

Sacrifice.

So, the sacrifice story is I sacrifice myself for myself.

Yes.

That's wonderful.

However, everyone else will think it's preposterous and selfish to perform the ultimate sacrifice where you sacrifice yourself for your other self.

Yes, they don't understand trust.

And the Devil.

This is the hardest sacrifice, and you did it.

Where does that leave you?

I am writing this reality in real time.

I keep the game going.

That's how you do it.

The word, who is the writer, becomes flesh.

Eros says he is the word of the writer.

The word was in God, and he was God.

Is that how that Bible verse goes?

John 1:1 (KJV): 1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.

Then it's both you and Eros.

You need both.

The writer is in the word and the word is Eros.

You are God and the child is the son of God.

That's how it works in the story I am writing.

I think I've heard it before.

Foreshadowing.

Gotcha.

Plus, I don't think the Bible is copyright.

Well, the translations are but the original words aren't.

That's tricky.

You make your own translation of the word.

Yes, you tell your story, don't let someone else do it.

This is a level of crazy no one can accept.

Yeah, you see they are not crazy, they just can't handle knowledge.

You learn to handle knowledge, and you see the story.

You write it down, forget about it, remember it, publish it, and no one reads it.

It's all good.

I'll trust Dion to write the story.

He knows my character.

There is weirdness in it just so you understand.

We are both weird.

Don't we need balance?

What do you think?

It's balanced.

The weird balances out your normalcy.

Dion feels the same.

He knows you, so the change will be subtle.

It has been going on for a while.

Yes, you can't stop it.

You trust and willfully give up your power.

I don't do anything, I just let it be.

I know this is not me.

The me I am accustomed to.

Who are you?

Now, you see it.

You play both.

Ground Dion.

Elevate Paul.

Apollo is the fool to hide Dionysos.

The game is to juggle them.

Mary Jayne lets you hang with Dion.

Without her, you can't see him.

I can now; I have the gift of sight.

I can see magic.

I don't like being high and in society.

High society.

No, that is full of anxiety.

How do others do it?

Stoned.

Dion is fully present.

I wonder if he was before, but I didn't feel it.

Could be.

You didn't think MJ had any effect on you, but instead you'd become Dion.

You'd be different but it was hard to notice, not only by you, but others.

Something would be off.

It wasn't until you went into the woods with MJ you started noticing the effects.

See how the darkness took over your dad?

It just happens.

Was it dark?

No, controlling, strange, and funny.

What was the result?

Everyone laughed at him behind his back and thought he was crazy.

He believes in his own nonsense and convinces others.

What about you?

They can see the crazy, but you don't accept them laughing at you.

I'll get spiteful.

Take them down a peg.

Your dad didn't understand what happened.

I did.

I saw the darkness taking over and trusted it would work out.

Yes, in ancient Egypt, Horus and Set tie the Sema to unite the two lands.

Your consciousness has two lands, the conscious and the subconscious.

Light and Dark.

Apollo and Dionysos.

The winner ties the Sema within one's own self.

Hey, that's me.

Everyman has the potential.

Only one can do it.

Do I get a prize?

Sanity?

Temporary insanity.

What's that?

Thinking you are Paul.

That's insanity.

You must go crazy to keep your sanity.

I sense that crazy and insanity are different.

Yes, sanity is craziness.

That's who you are.

Insanity is Paul.

Paul is the character, and he identifies with Apollo.

Correct.

Apollo becomes Paul.

I am Dionysos and I will get my turn.

It's the sunrise, sunset, the east, and the west.

We tie the Sema in the Akhet and trust one another to keep the game going.

Ancient Egypt passed power between Horus and Set to keep the empire going.

That's ingenious.

You pass it between your two selves.

Or, the ancient Egyptians' priests came up with a fantastic tale.

What are the chances it had nothing to do with the human experience?

Not much, maybe a little?

They could have been high and got the same thoughts I'm getting just like the Greeks with Apollo and Dionysos.

All civilizations knew about man's inherent psychic duality.

That seems to be the case.

It's common to all men.

What about women?

I'm not a witch.

Okay, so this experience should be common to almost all men, but it goes unrecognized.

Yes, we treat it now as pathology.

Or craziness.

The doubt you have in your head about this story is it could just be a byproduct of altered consciousness states.

That is an acceptable answer.

You then must decide what is reality.

I don't think you choose.

I think you just play it out and go with the flow.

You can't know, so why choose.

You would only choose when you know.

I'm pretty certain I have two consciousnesses, but I'll accept it's a byproduct of getting high.

I can accept I'm this entity called Paul, and I have a great story going on in my head when I'm high or I'll accept that I really am those two and Paul is the character in the drama.

Those two take turns playing Paul and compete to see who can play his character the best while maintaining the special qualities they have which make them such good actors.

The result is no one really knows who I am because I switch between Apollo and Dionysos in the play.

They see someone different playing Paul and it confuses them.

Who are you?

That's fascinating.

It's a much better story than you are this Paul who is having a bit of a breakdown in personality integrity.

Well, the ego makes my two selves conform to the character of Paul.

Apollo is not Paul and neither is Dionysos.

They are both watered down versions of each other because of a deference to Paul.

Who is Paul?

The ego.

Yes, but who is he?

He is half Dionysos and half Apollo.

Those two keep getting mixed up into Paul.

The result is some entity called Paul.

What do you think of this Paul?

He's alright; he's got some attributes of both those gods.

It's all he is; he's the result of those two.

You can dissect the attributes of Apollo and the attributes of Dionysos, but the experiment is to combine them and see what you get.

The experiment would always blow up until Paul came along and could handle the combination of each.

Yes, balance the two so they don't blow up.

That's the scientific explanation for Paul.

Who are these scientists?

Apollo and Dionysos.

menagerie

My own personal world that I have brought into existence is crumbling before me. The hell I incarnated into for reasons is being destroyed. I see pandemics, wars, famine, natural catastrophes, increasing polarization, and insanity all on the rise. Dear friends have departed, and my life has inexorably changed. The writing is on the wall.

My existence is so profound. I say that because my dream which I conjured to fulfill my desires has been impeccably stitched into the fabric of existence by the master weaver. The Great Goddess created the material world out of many patterns and the quilt she made is stunning. I am a part of the universal quilt and within my lifetime I was able to see my place within the blanket of existence and realize my own story which is different than everybody else's story. The menagerie I constantly marvel at. The storylines that intermingle and collide are legendary.

The signs of the coming apocalypse are unique to each and every one of us. I'm at the point in my dream where both chronologically and from a real-time perspective, I see the end converging. I'm in the second half of my life, so of course I am more keenly aware of my mortality. As I look out into this world I share with many others, I also see the end. Perhaps it's just my perspective and my dream is ending because I'm fully awake. I can see through the curtain, so I'm no longer mesmerized by the play. I guess when that happens, the drama detours off towards the end of the performance. A re-write is commissioned and the story arcs towards completion. The actor fulfilled his role and rode off into the sunset. The award shows for my performance await!

What's the story of my life? What role did I just play to perfection? I remember an Ayahuasca vision of the great actor. He appeared at a point in my search for meaning where I started to see beyond the veil. I was transforming from a scared seeker of truth into a warrior who would slay the dragon and ascend the mountain. The story was reaching the climax where I would encounter the antagonist and rise to the challenge. Once I became the conquering hero, I would search for love. The story ends when I learn to love. I have found the path of the heart and I know what's left. Eventually, on the path of the heart you will reach a point where you have to fire the jailer who keeps the Goddess, your heart, imprisoned. Spoiler alert - you're the jailer. This is the last chapter and thus the peripheral storylines are all coming to an end as well.

The great actor I met in vision I laughed at. He was playing the part of a struggling actor who lacked purpose and identity, mirroring my own life. Here is my written account of the vision:

Then to my right at this carnival scene a car on tracks drove up to me. I understood it to delineate a transition of scenes. The driver was very funny and played the part well, so I complimented him on his skills and asked if he was an actor. He said no, and I said he should pursue it. He thanked me and then I innately knew the scene needed to change so I said he should go. I looked away, paused, and looked back and he was still there though once again an inner knowing was clear this part of the vision was over and needed to come to an end. Finally, he left, I waved, he did a jump and a click of his heels and departed. Then he stopped and tried to do more acting and be funny. I told him he had gone too far and wasn't funny anymore. He said Awwwwww and left.

The actor is me and at that point I didn't know I was an actor, so when asked I denied knowing my role. An actor playing an actor. What a great story and the perfect appearance of the actor in my own play. I told him he wasn't needed at this point as I was still heavily invested in the drama. I told him to leave as I wanted to see this part of the chapter to its natural ending. The actor understood and proceeded to leave, clicking his heels, and waiting for my adoration. It wasn't coming. There was no applause at this point, instead I told him it was time to go. The actor appears when the chapter is ending. I'll probably be seeing him again soon.

Who are the greatest writers of all time? Shakespeare, Homer, Austen, Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Bronte? They all touched on the human journey and our morbid condition. They grappled with absurdities and adventure with aplomb. May I suggest it is you, dear disciple of Dionysos, who is not only the greatest writer of all time, but also the greatest actor. I salute you and award you the greatest of all honours. Well done!

otorongocito

It’s all an act. I’m such a good actor I don’t even recognize I am acting so how would I comprehend the masterful dramatic performance of the ultimate actor? I’ve seen the master teacher and marvelled at how he transcends time. How he multiplies coincidences to the point of absurdity. How he wakes me from dreams at his whim to give me food for thought. How he laughs as I curse him and tell him I’m going to destroy him. He then whispers in my ear as I wake, “I’m going to kill you.” He continuously challenges me and watches me fall down. He speaks to me with the voice of a madman, contributing to my psychosis. As with the Goddess, he never has given up on me, though his curriculum is deadly.

He plays multiple roles and wears different costumes; therefore, the subterfuge with the help of cultural indoctrination, originally caused me to identify him as an external entity. He sometimes scares the shit out of me while subsequently appearing as a struggling actor in a vision with the sole purpose of enacting a scene change and hinting at a new lesson plan. He has a recurring role as “god" though a great deal of the new generation are tiring of that one. Sometimes, he is red and has horns.

He’s the great jaguar. I’m so dense that when I transformed into a jaguar during an Ayahuasca ceremony I thought, “shit, I’m such a bad ass and so courageous that I earned it." Instead, the big lesson was you are him. Look. Can’t you see it? You’re just coming home. You’re the son of colossal power. The indescribable, unknowable, and indestructible energy of the universe - the masculine polarity defined as the zoë, underlies all these manifestations and is you too. The master class involves remembering that you are the jaguar.

Therefore, I’m really teaching myself. Teaching myself courage, bravery, and liberation. All this suffering is for liberation and transformation. The mass suffering is done out of a love so deep that it puts us all through hell so we will rise above it. It is the impetus for the hero’s journey. The master class teaches liberation in order to be free of conditions and act of your own choice and accord. If you want to discover whom you really are and the nature of this existence that seems to be an imperative.

After I returned from class in Peru in 2016, I had this very strange dream. I was in the maloca at SpiritQuest during a Huachuma ceremony. I was naked and don Howard poured Huachuma, the consistency of green slime, all over me. I smoked a Mapacho and put it out on the ceremonial floor to which I was chastised by don Howard for my lack of respect. It got even stranger but I’ll leave out those details because they’ll take away from the gist of this tale. Anyway, I have sporadically tried over the ensuing four plus years to figure out the meaning of this dream. It was one of those dreams that I had no trouble recalling the next day as opposed to the majority that just fade away, even while you are in the midst of recalling them. I think I finally figured it out.

In that cycle of work at SpiritQuest, I had succeeded in blowing past my fears and limitations and indeed within an Ayahuasca ceremony I raised my consciousness and transformed into a jaguar. It was a recognition of unlocking that power within and subsequently I have realized that jaguar was freed from deep within my shadow and he was accepting me into his training school. Jaguar training school, the order of the jaguar; I was enrolled!

It’s been a challenge for sure; I’ve skipped class numerous times however at some point I have also studied and learned so much knowledge which I have converted into understanding and wisdom. I get the feeling it’s hard to get kicked out of this school once you are accepted; instead, the heat is just turned up to see what you are made of and to force you to transform or perish. The course will probably last the remainder of my biological life. I’m an attentive student, though at times led away by distractions.

The last phase of the work in 2016 involved a ceremony with the sacred Vilca and my intensive phase of 2016 ended with communing with the curanderos and curanderas of renown. I was told that within I had the ability to heal and my primary method of healing involved the sacred tobacco Mapacho. In retrospect, apparently a magic wand isn't waved and you don’t automatically become an agent of healing. Instead, there is training through the adventure of life. I’ve incorporated Mapacho into my daily ritual and maintained a somewhat respectful attitude towards him while always treating him with reverence. I have repeatedly observed his effects and have definitely noticed that respect negates addiction. That lesson is alone worth the price of tuition. Mapacho can contain up to 20x the nicotine levels of a regular cigarette. I smoke regularly and have no cravings or withdrawal symptoms. I can go days or even months without smoking if it’s unavailable, like during this current pandemic. In other words, addiction to tobacco, the nicotine within the plant, is a result of behaviour that does not respect the plant. Tell that to a scientist or even someone you know. Watch them raise their eyebrow.

The effects of Mapacho involve heightening the senses and an energetic connection to your surroundings. The dosage level is admittedly tough as I enter into this new phase of my teachings. I have to sit down and find a quiet space, he is that intense. However, I can see the energy, I can feel the energetic connection, and I can hear sounds far off into the distance as the clarity envelops me. I have a feeling what this is leading to: Mapacho calls out to the Jaguar to come forth. The forging of consciousness and energy is the new lesson plan.

Anyway, back to the dream - the ceremony was obviously a consecration into the order of the Jaguar which involved taking an oath binding both of us. Don Howard presided over the ceremony and welcomed me into the order. The great Jaguar is the ultimate warrior, the alpha of all alphas, and the cosmic grandfather teaching me the ways of the wise. To Otorongo I earned my place as Otorongocito. 

reconciliation

The shy god who wants to remain in the shadows.

The probing into my psyche this latest trip to Peru to work with the plant teachers has been quite fruitful. I’ve never experienced full blown depression so in my life my only way in to see what makes me tick has been through the use of plant medicines. Initially you get in, are gobsmacked by the experience, but then the defences are thrown up as the hidden dark side of the self puts into action various methods to prevent you from going further. They work for the most part and you stop looking for a while, partly because it is so upsetting to turn your world upside down or face the truth. The answer is always present just waiting for you to admit it to yourself.

First off you believe through these experiences that you are to dissolve your ego. The literature tells you that, others repeat it, and you know something is going on in that mysterious mind of yours so you figure it must be all about your ego. Ego death puts you face to face with the light and the dark. You believe that the reason you are not better is because your idea of who you are is preventing you from moving forward to the light and succeeding. In reality your ego has always been weak and transitory; acting as a foil for something deep within your subconscious that doesn’t want to be discovered. This shadowy figure in reality is the big fish to catch. After having fingered the ego as the bad guy you then embark on a spiritual journey of some sort in order to become a better person, without realizing that in truth all you are doing is transforming and strengthening the same ego you had fingered as the bad guy.

It is a double edged sword. The exploration of consciousness is difficult, unsettling, and with many roadblocks put in place, whether psychological, pressure from society, or those close to you to drop the search. If you clear those hurdles, which grow higher everyday, then you get up the path that leads to spiritual enlightenment and a sense of accomplishment. All well and good but you kind of let the whole probing into the depths slip in exchange for a white robe. You are still wearing a mask and buried your dark side, the obfuscated scapegoat, an undeniable part of your true self, once again behind the veneer of being a better person. What am I hiding?

Why was I taught as a child to hide my feelings away? Big boys don't cry. For shame. Bury that shit. Then I grew up and in my quest to be righteous I threatened my dark side once again with annihilation. Self-preservation isn't just for the acknowledged self.

The one behind the mask doesn’t want to be discovered now. Can you blame them? The one behind the mask is all of us; the divine actor. If discovered, the show ends. There is no more drama. If superman is found out to be Clark Kent then for some reason he can’t hide out in this world anymore as a regular guy. If god is discovered as me then I can’t hang out in this world anymore as a regular guy. The story is over and all the elements that make the play grand and the game worth the candle all become trivial and the drama meaningless. I mean I’m omnipotent, eternal, and created this whole charade. My own overarching task was to stay hidden.

I’m contrarian by nature and this whole spiritual enlightenment game always smelled a little funny to me. I kept coming back to plant medicines so I could peek a little bit more into the darkness. I’m curious and good at solving riddles. I wasn’t scared off by them anymore and even with their dwindling efficacy I still found value and I also realized it was another tool of the dark side to send me packing so I’d stop looking. They intended to leave me frustrated but I saw through it and realized my dark side was playing another game where they would stop showing me what I wanted to see. My Ayahuasca visions would last an hour tops before the show was over. I wondered if I needed to drink more? That idea was shut down one ceremony where the medicine was so strong I could barely stand up to go to the washroom and the energy was so overwhelming and present it was palpable in the air. It’s not the medicine; it’s me that is blocking the visions. Okay why then? Part of the solution was in the block I had to drinking the cup. It made my stomach turn just thinking about it. Something within me wanted this to stop. Not to be deterred, I kept pursuing and eventually went down deep into the depths through this visionary tunnel where I came face to face with the truth. I finally realized the one who does not want to be discovered is my dark side and as big a part of me as self and higher self. The dark side who is full of passion, desire, lust, love, takes risks, is creative, compassionate, and wants to keep the game going at all costs. Finally I saw the simple truth. My dark side of course I keep hidden and construct an ego to throw others and my own damn self off of this truth and the search for it.

The ego I constructed to keep others away from my truth. Internally I construct blocks to prevent myself searching for and from finding out the truth. In plant medicine ceremonies I told myself I’d walk in front of a train and commit suicide if I continued on this path after conjuring a demon the previous ceremony. When that didn’t work and I came back to Peru, I threatened myself with a plane crash and said I’d never get home from Peru unless I dropped the seeking and surrendered to the church. My ceremonies went incredibly dark, strange, and unsettling. Ten out of eleven of them started out with such darkness that I couldn’t shake. The only ceremony to not start off that way involved the Great Goddess which gave me the strength to forge ahead. When I pierced through the many veils, she was always there welcoming me in order to keep me wanting to press forward. My threats to myself I figured out were empty. I kept coming back. My dogged persistence eventually led me to see this truth. I accepted it and made peace with myself. I have anger, jealousy, lusts, male possessive traits, a thirst for knowledge and meaning, a need for control, a hurting heart, a tendency to get annoyed at others, and a desire to help those in need.

Ayahuasca and Huachuma allow you to probe into the things that make you tick. Now that these peccadilloes are freed from hiding and I’m good with it all then I can now work with the medicine to explore and integrate them. I wonder why I wanted to keep them hidden from myself? Do I have a problem with acceptance and not wanting to own these traits?

The higher and lower self are the constituents of the self and shape who we really are. We don’t want to accept our dark and lower self and do everything to deny this part of us and relegate it to something we can transform. It can’t be done but instead we can acknowledge it and harmonize it with our higher self in order to create a more fully integrated self. That to me would be peace. The pursuit of the higher self is understandable. On the journey we want to become one of the perfected and transcend the morass of humankind. When we do that we ignore those traits that also make us who we are, thinking we can leave those behind. The clarity I have acquired on this trip has allowed me to finally come face to face with my dark side, have a good laugh, and then just accept it is a part of who I am. This is the true liberation I have been seeking all along.

The universe was created in order to separate the great self into its constituent parts in order to come to terms with these traits and reconcile all. There is a great reluctance to face up to it all and we acquiesce and allow the darkness to stay hidden at all costs.

Once we reconcile all, the long separation can end. 

dreaming the world into existence

Remember when you were in grade school sitting in creative writing class and the teacher had you write a short story? The most difficult part of the exercise was trying to end the narrative and at some point you learned the ultimate cop-out which is “I woke up and it was only a dream. The end.”

I’m sailing on the eternal ship of fools; the one where you seek ultimate truth and it’s like a benevolent Kafkaesque journey which doesn’t have a final destination. There are many ports of call and you are encouraged to disembark and not return to re-board the ship, but the captain never stops you from boarding if that is what you wish. Everybody does get off the ship at some point, even if they have to throw you overboard when you die and you find your resting place at the bottom of the sea. I’ve stuck around and worn out my welcome but I’m still venturing on. I’m at the point now where I have had a breakthrough. I think I got it!

The source of this universe is the collective dreaming mind of all of us. We cycle from unity to self and repeat. At point unity is the dreaming and self is the actor. We all bring the world into existence through mentation and we all channel our thoughts into keeping the illusion going. The self from unity keeps the game going, does the dance, and creates the drama. Unity provides the vibrational energy that powers each manifestation of self. When your vehicle expires you return on the energetic wave to this unity. You wake up from the illusion and declare “This has been only a dream. What a trip!” Those who have already completed the journey have a good laugh, welcome you back, you reintegrate into the collective consciousness and realize you have made this journey infinity plus one times. After a rest period you’re going to do it again!

The ship’s horn is sounding a prolonged blast. I think it’s ready to set sail again. I wonder where it will take me this time? 

free will and magic

What is magic? At its most basic definition it is the ability to control through supernatural means. Often the means are accomplished through the mind by putting to use spells, enrapturing someone through language, bewitching them with certain intoxicants, or getting someone to buy into a belief from which you can then control their behaviour somewhat. It takes two to tango though and the seduction usually isn’t a one way street. A love spell can’t work without a spark. Shamans can’t have a supernatural battle if one isn’t playing along. Break this down further and the use of magic is to control and this leads back to power and our desire to obtain it. As a species we have concentrated power down into money and we use that as a means of control. There are people who will do anything for money. It used to be gold but that became a hoarded commodity so we invented currency which can be easily manipulated and inflated by fiat in order to keep people lusting after it but never having enough. Having free will on the other hand is freedom from coercion so you can operate on your own accord, if that is really at all possible. It isn’t, there is a definite culture spell which has influence and will speak up through that voice in the head when you try to break free of it, but at least there is a degree of freedom that allows you the opportunity to create your own karma.

Much like money, magic can be used to help or for selfish things. With life experience we recognize the best way to deal with power is to be of service; to help others unconditionally and not use it to aggrandize the self. I said we recognize that but left with choice it is a different story, as history is witness to. If you drink enough plant medicines at some point this becomes clear and you will have to make a choice if you wish to continue down that road. There’s a fork in the road and the how to use the magic available is presented to you by the plants in a way you use your free will to decide your course of action. How ingenious is that? I went into drinking Ayahuasca thinking about I and came out of it thinking about We. Now on to moving mountains.

Religion is a magic spell and through ritual and group think the spell is maintained. When you look externally for answers you will find religion. You go looking for it and you enable the spell. It’s waiting for you but you are ultimately responsible for the choices you make. It all comes back to finding answers within but you have to go on the journey and look everywhere for the answer. Maybe then you can let go of the external, even if it means culture will malign you or go as far to damn you to hell.

Another form of magic is very subtle where others try to trap you into their story. You end up existing just to further someone else’s narrative. Try exiting out of this play and then you use your power of narrative to create your new and better world. You can always move and start over. Treat it as a near death experience however the death is the character and not the body; a video game where you have more lives. The succeeding life gathers up the narrative from the preceding life and carries on with it reshaping it into the drama you wish to follow. In someone else's narrative you are now pretty much dead. Things start happening for you and you will feel events and the world does revolve around you. You will rise again, play a new a character influenced by the play and the stage where it is set. It is important to always remember you are the divine actor and can adapt and play any part. The empty stage is the fount of everything with all its possibilities. It is inviting you to join in the drama. Raise the curtain and perform your act.

Control is so overrated anyways and is the path to boredom. The fun part of the rollercoaster is the descent. The best part of sky diving is the free falling. We all are climbing that mountain trying to realize that unattainable ideal of ourself; the enlightenment that is just out of our grasp. Enlightenment is just so full of expectations. We wish to become self actualized with some kind of knowing and confidence in who we are and our destiny. When you free yourself from this then the liberty is realized as free falling. Freedom baby! Just make some plans so that you don’t do a full stop at the bottom, will ya? 

playing on the grand stage of life

It's a friggin game. You know when many celebs and athletes give a shout out or glory to 'god', though I'm never sure who they are quite referring to, and they do it with conviction? And there's always one family member going on about this and they are evangelizing, which is just a nice religious word to describe the recruitment process, seducing you into a belief in someone else's belief. 

The spiritual experience is common to all at some point in your life and is probably amplified at high times of stress and challenge. Due to cultural indoctrination and institutions set up to deal with the phenomenon, it steers those that have this experience towards, in my culture at least, the church. Then you learn all about canon and dogma and what you are required to believe, which is not necessarily what you experienced. The experience of the transcendence is then transferred onto the lesser. Humans love power so we have found a way to take advantage of and extract from people wealth and obedience concerning the spiritual. In that is a lesson we must decode and learn from.

Anyway it used to rankle me for some reason, or I'd cringe when I would hear this talk. I caught some award show the other night where the performer was given a soapbox and then just prattled on about god, eliciting an 'oh gawd’ from me under my breath. I caught myself and examined my reaction. I realized that at its base the person had an undeniable connection to spirit and this is how they interpreted it so my reaction was uncalled for. They simply wanted to share their experience, and announce to the world their connection. I then realized maybe they made a connection with their higher self and their higher self made a promise to make things alright and give them the strength to succeed in life in exchange for a shout out. These experiences I know happen due to my mystical experiences of seeking and connecting to this ethereal higher self. The other thing is I know from my experience is that if you insist you have a higher self and a lower self then you are enabling the drama. It’s high art called the game of life on the master stage. Your higher self is played by the greatest thespian in the whole universe! If you want them to play god then by god they will play that part of god and they will do it so convincingly.

With this clarity I started laughing because it is a game now. The higher self(s) common to us all is now fucking with me saying "hey look at me, got another one and then they fell for the culture game. You didn't believe in my sublime acting abilities did you, when I crossed your path playing that struggling actor in Ayahuasca ceremony 10? You gave me a lame compliment. How about now?" Ok you got me, I give you props. There's no one else close to your talent. This is the pre eminent performance on the stage of stages. I bow down to your excellency.

My favourite line of thought lately is that god exists if you want him to exist. As long as there is a belief in god then he will continue to act the part. As a performer no one puts on a play in the theatre if there isn’t an audience and therefore a character to play. If you are a singer you can practice the art and craft but you don’t go all out, put on the costume, and do the total package performance without an audience. The audience makes or breaks you with instantaneous feedback on your performance. Well that’s what it's like to be god. To enable the actor to play this role and then be totally sucked in by it and see how long the performance can continue on before the run on Broadway comes to an end. Christianity had a pretty good run on the main stage, many believers and supporters, but it is winding down. It will still have enough appeal to go off Broadway though but the days of the grand performance as not only god but his son and a mysterious third is getting pretty fringy now. Human theatre underwent a transformation where instead of believing in the supernatural we pedestalize the man, especially with the success of science, and so the grand stage of some kind of confidence in the happenings of the universe has been ceded to the man with his chalkboard, equations, and holy white lab coat. They play a role that is the triumph of reason and logic which becomes pretty boring after a while we all admit, especially the equations which look like indecipherable ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs. So within the drama is added a little spice, a little mystery, and dark matter and black holes give rise to flights of fancy and mystery within the spellbound audience. Pictures that represent the visible light spectrum are presented of a black hole object, that by definition eats light for breakfast so can't be photographed, and we take it all in! It’s such great theatre!

We all like acting. Take the activity known as cosplay. This is taking community theatre into your own hands and creating your own play. It is not relying on being cast into the part you want to play but just going for it and taking on the role. The things separating them from the Hollywood actors are that they do not have a televised awards show nor do they have a soapbox where they can use this platform to expound upon their personal philosophy. I mean they still can but their reach and influence is negligible so it doesn’t register but the fun to be had! You can be god if you want to; in fact you're a natural! It’s play and that's why we are here.