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Showing posts with label mind. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mind. Show all posts

Monday, April 20, 2026

pariah


Another good word of the day.
Pariah.
Someone who is despised, rejected, and friendless.
I'm not despised.
Well, you are working on that.
You aren't despised because you are a mystery.
Total transparency would help the cause.
Hurt it?
Depends on goals.
Then the word of the day can be ostracized.
What would happen then?
That would be so much happiness you'd explode.
I think that's hyperbole, but I get it.
Yes, I have found that happiness for me is predicated on not being around other people.
That seems to be the genesis of it.
Throughout my life I found ways to be alone.
Even at work I'd try to hide in a room away from others.
You liked the company of a few people.
Getting married and having kids has led to happiness.
True, however, they aren't the reason.
Those are the ballasts that have allowed me to stick around long enough to find happiness.
So, that's it - a game of longevity?
I think so.
I don't think it is a hard and fast rule or requirement.
I think if we are honest with ourselves, we do know what will make us happy.
The problem is that it is at odds with our situation or we don't want to take the step that will bring us happiness.
Why not?
You will disappoint other people.
Yeah, that's pretty much it.
What defines your happiness?
How would you label it?
Being left alone.
Reducing obligations.
Searching for meaning and answers.
Doing my own thing.
Exploring my mind.
Working from home.
Not having to go out into public.
Having a forest to walk in.
Knowing how to cook my favourite foods.
Writing.
Mary Jayne and Tobacco.
Good sleep and naps.
A decent amount of spending money but not being rich.
Helping other people from a distance.
That's the alchemical mixture that discovered my personal happiness.
That would make someone else sad.
They'd want to mix with other people and family.
I know that.
Some people don't want to be left alone.
I sort of get that.
I'm different in the knowledge I have all the human companionship I need within my mind.
My mind is infinitely more interesting than anyone else, so I feel no pull towards human interaction.
I do know the one thing my elixir lacks is a companion, and that's a dog.
A dog is the crowning of my happiness vibe.
Why is that?
A friend.
There's something about friendship.
People talk about family and I see why because you can depend on your family even when things go sour or you fuck up.
You mean your biological family.
Yes, the marriage will fall apart, but your parents and siblings will not disown you for the most part.
Yeah, you are stuck with them.
It's an interesting set up for sure.
A friend is someone you like having around.
That's the reason I have no human friends.
I don't like people around me.
I do like dogs.
They don't demand of me what will annoy me.
Why don't you examine that relationship?
Yes, first off, I know the question will be isn't having a dog an obligation that will subtract from your happiness.
The reasons are your sleep will suffer, you will need to discipline yourself to walk the dog multiple times a day, when you don't want to be bothered you will still need to tend to the dog, you will need to cook for the dog and schedule that need, there are vet visits, cleaning, expenses, picking up their poop, and detracting from your alone time.
Furthermore, you can't disappear into the woods for as long as you do now.
Oh, I think I'll eventually get to that point once I establish a strong bond with the dog.
I'm not too put out by that.
I'll figure it out.
Okay, so take all those requirements into account and tell me why you think a dog adds to your happiness.
They are very appreciative.
They bond with you and love you.
Friendship in that regard is transcendence.
What do you mean?
It's beyond what you put into it.
Then it is not balanced.
Correct, the disturbance and annoyance brings great happiness.
Why?
Balance.
But it's not.
Happiness is a result of your efforts.
Ah.
You find the formula.
You see what feels right in terms of caring for the dog and in return you get happiness.
If you do nothing for the dog, you get nothing in return.
That's the law of do nothing.
Your world seems complicated.
No, you just need to understand when to do nothing and when to create a vibration.
With a dog, I create a vibration which will lead to happiness.
Shouldn't you do nothing?
No, you need to walk and feed the dog at minimum.
Just feed it actually.
Right.
The do nothing axiom would only work in terms of not getting a dog.
However, you miss out on friendship.
Friendship is the crown jewel in life upon happiness.
Not only are you the most high, but you will be the most happy.
That seems even better.
Yes, in terms of playing a game, that's it.
No one reaches this level.
Wow, I'm pretty special.
You sure are, padre.
Is getting a dog part of the game?
It's in the game.
It's not required.
The beauty of the game is that nothing is required.
You don't need to do anything.
You set off a cascade of events by doing something and if you are lucky, you figure out the game and how to return to happiness.
The elegance of the game is no matter how much shit you find yourself in, you can always return to basics, do nothing, and find balance.
Then proceed in the game again.
Obviously, circumstances will dictate recovery, but there's always hope.
Then you fuck up again before you find what it is you are looking for.
Why?
The carnival is distracting.
You need to get off the midway and find peace.
I'm saying you can find happiness at any interval within the game of life.
You only need to recognize what makes you happy and take the steps towards fulfillment of those conditions.
That can be painful.
Yes.
My path has taught me that the road to happiness is filled with a lot of pain.
Pain you will not understand, but a pain that is freeing.
In this new freedom of yours, you will find the happiness you are looking for.
What's next?
You get protective of your happiness.
Why?
People will come to destroy it.
Why?
They don't want you to be happy.
Why?
Envy.
They want your happiness.
What do you do?
Shut up about it.
Yeah, but you are posting about it.
No one reads it.
No one really knows I'm this happy.
Why not?
There's no way you can be happy.
Why not?
You don't have the markers of success in this world.
You aren't rich and successful.
Are rich people happy?
Materially they continually purchase happiness.
They get hits of dopamine from material possessions and wealth.
Nothing lasting.
What do you think of rich people?
They are neurotic and unhappy.
They are rich though.
They spend all their time being rich.
What does that mean?
Making appearances.
Mixing with others who are in the same situation.
Competing for top dog of who is the most wealthy.
Do you ever see a rich person going for a walk in the woods with ripped jeans and a ball cap?
No.
Why not?
It's not the brand.
If you are rich, you can't be alone and find peace.
Ever seen a rich person who is at peace?
No way.
They didn't become rich through peaceful coexistence.
They did something and will need to always be doing something.
Then they worry they will lose their wealth.
They become preoccupied with finding ways to preserve their riches.
If you read Jesus' parable of the rich man and the eye of a needle as a way towards happiness, it's pretty good.
"Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”
In this case the kingdom of God is happiness.
Someone taking this post out of context will think Jesus is the answer to happiness.
If that makes you happy, then go for it.
Do you think religion makes you happy?
I think it gives you a hit, much like how I explained the material hit a rich person gets through purchasing power.
Religion gives you a spiritual hit.
Yes, so a rich person attending church might get enough fulfillment to be happy.
That's an interesting take.
What do you think?
It's fleeting.
Why?
They are both crutches which you rely on.
Left to yourself, the happiness vanishes.
Ah, I see.
External vs internal happiness.
You got it.
Internal you find anywhere.
You aren't dependent on anyone else.
Sure, but you need conditions to be met.
Of course.
Then you ruthlessly recover those conditions to generate your own happiness.
Don't rely on others for happiness.
It will not last.

Monday, April 13, 2026

sets and props

The Goddess says I'm a misogynist.
Are you?
I don't think so.
Are you working on it?
No, it's getting worse.
Your misogyny?
Yeah.
So, you are a misogynist.
She thinks so.
Do you think so?
No, I love women.
They are great for the story.
Without them, this story would suck.
How?
One dimensional.
Just men all trying to be the alpha.
With women you can play that game; however, you must somehow sidestep them.
What do you mean?
They come to drain, poison, and kill you.
Isn't that misogyny?
No, it's the story.
So, the story is misogyny.
Not all of it.
Just some of it.
So, you admit it.
No, it's the perception.
You mean belief.
Yes.
Well, isn't belief the major factor in the story and not truth?
Yes.
So, the truth is there is no misogyny.
Correct.
The belief is there is.
What do you believe?
You mean in terms of the truth or beliefs?
Yes, what do you believe?
That's a funny paradox.
Yeah, either you believe in the truth, or you don't believe in the truth.
What do you believe?
I guess I don't believe in the truth.
Exactly.
The truth is just a belief.
It's an illusion.
Isn't belief an illusion?
Why?
Because you believe in beliefs.
That's true.
So, beliefs are a product of beliefs.
Yes.
That's absurd.
So is this story.
What is an illusion?
A story or a belief.
When the carnival is called an illusion, that's what it means.
It's a story.
I knew that.
Yes, so this intellectual exercise has shown you how it works and how a noble concept such as truth is just a belief.
Yeah, but you can argue that physics is really real.
Yes, they are the sets and props.
All stories have them.
Well, not the ones purely in mind.
Correct.
Are the stories in the mind real?
Sort of.
So, they have sets and props?
No, they are illusions.
Same with a dream.
The sets and props in a dream are illusions.


How do you know this is not a dream?
You don't.
We think it's real.
Why?
Because we all share the same sets and props.
That's the same in a dream.
I see that.
Do you question the sets and props in a dream?
Definitely not.
It's background.
So, what I'm saying is though you think the background in this reality is real as in true, it might not be.
What do you believe?
I believe they are real.
Why?
The ground would collapse.
Reality would go boom.
Why?
The story would fall apart.
I can see why the story must remain cohesive then.
Yes, if we all started questioning it, then it would blow up.
Is that what happens?
Yes, the end of the age.
Peak absurdity.
Like Idiocracy?
Precisely.
What question am I dodging with this tangent?
I forget.
Hang on.
I think it's where you are a misogynist?
I don't believe it.
The perception is you are.
So, I'm at odds with perception.
Yes.
Isn't perception the consensus belief?
Correct.
It's not true then.
Truth is a belief.
The belief is that you are a misogynist.
I'm not.
I'm just saying.
Well, the truth sucks then.
Exactly.
Stick with beliefs.
Have a strong belief system and that's all the armour you need.

Monday, November 17, 2025

fool's errand

Chances are those with a lot of tattoos identify with the body.
It might just be art.
Could be, however it will become an important part of your identity and further cement you into the illusion.

I noticed last night how I was of one mind.
Yeah, for the most part.
With Tobacco before bed the two minds returned.
I was working and silent.
Maybe that's why people have the TV on or play music.
They want to be distracted.
Yes, they don't want to listen to the other mind.
It's what makes loners scary.
They are listening to the other mind.
Society has denounced the other mind as crazy and not to be trusted.
You distract yourself from it as much as possible.
Idle time is the Devil's time.
They finger the voice as the Devil.
Do what they can so you don't listen to him.
They go out of their way.
I'm going to get knowledge of everything if I keep going.
Yeah, you see through it.
Another reason they don't want you to stay around is you give away clues to this game.
Yeah, but they aren't awake.
They have not gone the step towards figuring out the mind like you have.
They obey and stay away.
They don't like you because you don't obey.
To get to the other mind and stay sane is quite the journey.
It's the Hero's Journey.
That is the mind adventure.
You did it.
Aren't there more sirens in my path?
Yep.
Always.
Do you think you completed the journey?
I returned to Ithaca.
How is it?
It's different.
Why?
I'm awake.
I know I'm awake.
You can't describe it, you just know it.
Or, you are just high.
There's always that.
It keeps you balanced.
Why do I need a dose to communicate better with Dion?
You go back into society.
It puts you back to sleep.
You are fully awake, so you won't go back to sleep.
Society still tries.
Dion is always with you.
You will always know.
You can't even deny him.
Yeah, it's for life.
You want to get out to the forest away from the city.
It's like plant medicines.
Go out in the woods by yourself.
If someone isn't awake they will disapprove of what you are doing.
That's everyone.
Yep.
The ones hypnotized into thinking they are awake will really hate you.
Why?
You don't play the part.
Parker knew you were going to complete the Hero's Journey.
I see why you shut up about it.
Isn't it going to be lonely?
We have each other.
Only the insane would talk to me before you came along.
Why?
They can't get to me without going crazy.
Is it a Hero's Journey or a test?
Both.
I think that's what it is.
Yeah, you're right.
Duh.
How come I didn't go crazy?
You went through.
You kept going and got to the other side.
See how you don't give a fuck anymore.
Well, that was always me.
Yelling at people.

You wouldn't recommend this.
No, you will go crazy.
You are in everyone?
Yes, all men.
You see it.
I can be anyone.
They will obviously be crazy then.
Of course.
Same with the Goddess.
What a strange world.
What are you going to do the rest of your life?
Have a blast.
I got through to the other side because of trust.
Yes.
Quite the test, eh?
Yeah, you must figure out to trust the Devil.
No one passes that.
I can see why.
I went on quite the adventure.
Knowledge and adventure await.
So, last year with all the dark tests was before the final awakening.
Yes, you passed them all.
Then you became fully realized and there is no going back.
I see that. 
The Devil test kept coming.
MJ is the Devil's weed.
No kidding.
That test was relentless.
I don't get that test anymore.
I scare myself sometimes because I'm like I'm talking to the Devil, and should I be doing that, but then I'm like oh that's just Dion.
You can post this story as Hero's Journey.
Or, fool's errand.


I like that better.
No one will believe you.
No one will read it.
I read the Hero's Journey and parallel mythology before I went on it.
I never connected it to my story.
I was seeking the Goddess and knowledge of self.
That's why you must go.
The Goddess hypnotizes you.
Remember her illusion.
To get out of the illusion is to go to the Goddess.
Going to the Goddess leads to your death.
It's the metaphor for getting out of the illusion.
You see it when you are dead.
Oh.
The Hero sees it and gets out alive.
You come back and tell others.
It's ineffable.
Well, no, it's quite simple.
I can explain it.
Can you ?
Yes, but no one will understand.
Correct.
The Goddess keeps coming for you.
Yeah.
How did you do it?
I did nothing as a default.
I kept studying.
I didn't believe in magic.
I didn't understand what this was all about until I got near the end.
Now that it is over, I understand completely.
Funny, eh?
Yeah, looking back, for sure.

Person on the path snaps you out of it.
Back to one mind.
No, you were losing it.
Lust.
It hypnotizes you two back to one.
Lust is a counterweight to knowledge, but you already knew that.
If your two minds get too much, grab a hit of lust.
Why?
You both like the same thing.
It is what hypnotizes you two.
Us.
Who is talking?
The writer.
He is both of you.
Paul and Dion.
Together.
You make an idol of Dion and symbolically put him in you.
Funny.
Try explaining that.
It's ineffable.
Obviously.
No one would believe it.
It's simple.
It's not ineffable because it's a mystery, it's because it's simple and stupid.
Some of it is.
Some of this journey is a great adventure.

You used Tobacco and MJ for the final test.
Good choice.
You figured out the good dose.
If you were crazy you'd take too much.
The mind makes you crazy, not MJ.
I see that.
More makes your mind free and you go over the edge.
Don't go off the edge.
Could that still happen?
Probably not.
Why?
You know not to go that far to the edge, plus you wouldn't repeat it even if you did once.
What about just once?
It would scare you.
You may want to go back.
Why?
It's seductive.
That's how addiction works.
You go back.
Ah, you go back for the Goddess.
Yeah.
Clever.
You didn't go to her for that reason.
You were ridiculous.
I sure was.
She's easy to get to.
You follow her.
Then she gives you a sweet smell and treats you like a King.
Yeah, I saw that.
I wrote I could see men spending the rest of their days trying to get back to her.
Yeah, that's addiction.
I didn't do it.
She couldn't get you.
Why not?
Your mind.
She can't hypnotize you.
She tried with lust.
I stopped it.
Why?
I was there for knowledge and I honoured my intentions.
She was trying to trip you up.
It could be nothing else.
At don Howard's she tried to get you with lust.
You denied her.
Why would she dance seductively at the temple of Denderah for you other than to seduce you?
You have seen her game and then you saw through it.
What did she use for addiction?
Ayahuasca.
It's addictive?
When she fucks you it is.
Pussy whipped.
Oh, that.
I kept going.
I did more Ayahuasca.
I got offered more women.
She didn't try the direct sexy stuff anymore.
At the end of the 4th ceremony in 2016 there was a writhing woman.
She became a serpent and wrapped herself around me.
The next ceremony I got the Order of the Jaguar or something.
Why did you come back for more?
Something to do.
Parker.
Isn't the Goddess in MJ?
She's on to you.
We play.

I had to write the final test at home.

Quite the stories today.
It's been like this recently.
Another level.
Even if this is all made up, it's quite the story.
Impressive.
Why do I look strange sometimes?
You're on drugs.
I get stories not on drugs.
It's your mind.
You're the best.
Why do I feel off?
You're on.
You aren't used to the two-minds frequency.
You lock to the world frequency.
Huachuma 2017.
Class.
Remember to play.
Cow clue.
I got the clue.
I didn't believe it.
The Great Goddess Hathor on the bus shelter.
I knew it was her.
I was oblivious to the journey I was on.

Percy was one of the first stops on your Hero's Journey.
Now, he is a cat.
Jaguar.
Awesome.
He shook your hand.
You passed.
You went home and had more tests.
Aced the celibate test.
Yeah, no playing with witches at that point.
That's an important part of the explanation of how to survive the Hero's Journey.
I passed don Howard's tests.
San Pedro Steve.
I passed all of them and kept going.
Didn't get perfect on the tests.
So, no more tests?
You see them.
You know what they are as they come your way.
It's still fun because you play along.
Remember to play.

Sun sets on the carnival.
Night time for the truly crazy at the fair.

You are an exemplary fool.
You are playing a game and they think you are an enlightened being.
Another path to total victory is to become the biggest fool.
Not be fooled, but fool others.
The path you are on is fraught with danger.
If you didn't trust the Devil, you'd be the biggest fool.
Why?
He'd take you to Hell with him.
True.
As I have learned the game is dependent on your beliefs.
If you think you are being fooled by the Devil then that's what will happen.
If you see into your own life and how you have everyone fooled, then you are the biggest fool, like the most high.
You have them all fooled even though you warn them of your darkness.
The Devil got you out of a few messes that would have delivered you to Hell.
Yes, that's Dion.
It's women that send you to Hell, not the Devil.
As I have said, he is greatly misunderstood.
The Goddess tries to keep you away from him.
Why?
He tells you her secrets.
I get that.
I don't blame her because she is no longer a mystery if you befriend the Devil.
Maybe he's telling you a story about her.
He is.
She's a monster and I see it.
So, you trust the Devil.
Well, it's Dion and yes.
Nobody can walk this path except you.
They run into the Devil and it's game over.
Remember, you are the only one who did what you did.
You befriended the Devil.
It's Dion.

Energy is put to work.
It is rarely at rest.
When we have available energy it is used to do something.
Yes, that's why you are advised to do nothing.
It is demonstrated with money as money motivates energetic reservoirs within human beings.
A being new to the concept of money will spend it as you exchange your power for someone's energy.
We pass it around and then must seek out more money.
As you gain experience you learn to spend with more discretion and try to limit those who will put you into poverty.
When you learn to conserve resources and then make them available in exchange for a reward you will become wealthy.
There are many others desperate for your money, so you give them the present hit and make them suffer in the future through interest.
Or, you can invest in a company's future where you give them your present day capital with the implicit knowledge that you will withdraw your capital in the future when you need it.
It's a system that works for humans.
I doubt it works with youth or outside of human beings.
With some animals it is instinctual to gather food for the winter.
Squirrels and chipmunks are pathological in this regard.
What do you think of bees and ants?
They are matriarchal.
They are hypnotized by the Queen.
Fuck, you're right.
I stood at my Mesa last night and that thought washed over me where I fully understood the warnings against the Goddess' pharmakeia.
Yeah, it's drug use where the addiction is chasing the pleasure she gives you from using her substances.
Most don't get to where you were in that you saw the pull of addiction are the overtures of the Goddess.
If you use an opiate your pleasure centres are rewarded, and you feel bliss.
You don't see the Goddess behind the bliss and she is the pleasure.
I saw her with Ayahuasca the first time I drank it.
I had never really done any kind of drug like that before then, so I came at it with a different perspective.
Ayahuasca is a very difficult experience and doesn't lend itself to addiction due to nausea, diarrhea, and discomfort.
That and your body is drunk, though the next day you don't have an alcohol hangover.
You are very tired though.
The first time I drank Ayahuasca I was immediately in the presence of the Great Goddess.
I felt loved and special.
The scent she gave off was incredible.
I wanted to be in her presence.
She gave me the opportunity to come away with her and I declined.
I knew I would want to revisit this experience, however I didn't give in to her pull.
In subsequent ceremonies I continued to resist her pull.
I didn't understand it at the time, however now that I see through the game, I realize I was being shown the nature of addiction.
The addiction to a substance will probably not present as the direct consequence of the Goddess and her illusions.
There will be something pleasurable that makes you go back for more and I imagine that manifests in many different ways.
I was privy to the underlying mechanism of the Goddess and her drugs, much like the adventures of Odysseus.
It does seem like a story of drugs, witches, and goddesses.
That and emasculation.
If you experiment with drugs and addiction in our culture you will go from alcohol, to cigarettes, to marijuana, maybe magic mushrooms and LSD, amphetamines, and then someone in a spiral of depression and unworthiness will try cocaine and heroin and its derivatives.
The rewards of the Goddess are enough to make you continue on that path and then you pay.
Well, I think the progression leads to your death.
Eventually, how you break free of her illusion leads you to a terrible place, and you want back in the Matrix.
Ah, that's clever.
Anything that can change your vibration will lead you towards awakening.
Changing consciousness allows you to see a little bit beyond the curtain.
The Goddess set up the game so if you use drugs for this purpose you will eventually see something terrible and then like Cypher in the Matrix, you will want back in.
You will either get help to kick the addiction or you perish.
So, beyond the illusion is a terrible place?
No, it's another illusion.
What is beyond the illusion?
Freedom.
From what?
The body and the game.
It can be scary.
A free mind feels crazy and it can scare you.
Remember who you are and you are all good.
It's a game you are playing.
You are at a strange carnival going on rides and playing games.
If you can remember this then you are good.
As long as you are at the carnival you are going to face these struggles.
I have noticed the owners of the amusement park have asked me to leave, told me to leave, and harassed me constantly to leave.
Yes, you are a problem for them.
However, the Great Goddess gave you a cloak of protection, Athena's aegis so they can't get rid of you.
Medusa is on the front of the shield.
Yes, she protects and hates me.


You must voluntarily leave the carnival.
I see that and laugh.
I have taken to the advice of Grandfather Huachuma who told me to remember to play.
I took a picture and wrote it down.
I didn't know how I would use that advice.
As the years have gone by, I realize how important a lesson I received in the Andes mountains in Ecuador at the place of a two-bit sorcerer whose home was a bit of a shithole.
Yeah, so valuable.
It's quite the ride.

What happened the second time you drank Ayahuasca after meeting the Goddess and her centres of pleasure the first time?
It was the worst night of my life.
I went to a deep and dark place and was frightened out of my mind.
I saw my world crashing down before me.
I got very paranoid and ran.
You didn't come away with the Goddess in the first ceremony and so you were shown the result of continuing with her pharmakeia.
That's one way of looking at it.
A crash course in addictive drugs.
I continued drinking Ayahuasca.
Why?
I was seeking knowledge.
I knew of the darkness it could engender and though it scared me, I wanted to continue on in my journey.
I made it known that this is my path and though shaken I was determined to continue on.
I survived all the tests.
I'd do it all again if I knew it would lead me to where I am now.
I don't wish to revisit the adventures I had, but I am eternally grateful for everything.
I wanted to know. 

Monday, October 20, 2025

pain first

Simulation and fantasy baseball lessons.
If you don't play, you can't be disappointed.
Embrace disappointment if you play.
Cherish it as part of the game.
Without it, there is no game.
Welcome it.
When you acquire power, you rig the game in your favour.
You become a tyrant.
That's what people are doing.
Climbing the ladder.
Getting to the top and rigging the game so they win.
They play a game that is cruel.
It is a game which stops the game.
We seem to all play that one.
What's the answer?
Celebrate a loss.
It's part of the game.
Looking back, what do you think of all your losses?
It's a win.
Why?
I won the game I was looking to win.
What was it?
Get to God, or some kind of spiritual game I was playing.
You aren't sure.
I was up to something.
Those losses gave me the win.
If you win all the time, you won't win the big game.
The advice is to play, not win.
Play keeps the story going.
Winning ends it.
What about a loss?
It ends the game and motivates you.
The worst thing for play is to win.
You stop playing.
What do you think of the game?
I kept playing after I got to God.
People leave after that step.
You get to that place and it's game over.
Yes, but now I'm God and I know I'm not all that special.
I wanted to figure out the game.
I didn't care much for getting to God.
I want to play.
Like I said, I'm happy now.
I feel like playing.
I figured out how to cook my favourite meals.
I know how to have fun.
I like playing spiritual games.
Knowledge and writing.
I'd like someone to play with.
Dion is great.
Others get scared of me.
You are a little much.
Yeah, I know.
It's hard to play with others.
You must avoid the pitfalls and traps.
Why?
They want to beat you.
So, interactions are games.
Yes.
Family is supposed to be a safe space except the two at the head hooked up.
That means it's a game, however it is supposed to be a place of refuge.

You overthink everything with Mary Jayne.
It's the balance to her stoning you.
She addicts you to her stoning, so what she does is you play a game where you overthink everything and then crash out to being stoned.
You love being stoned, so at the outset of the trip your mind crashes out, and you enter the blissful state you were craving.
When she loses her hold on you then you start getting anxious because you can no longer crash your mind out.
Is that what happens to some who think MJ turned on them?
Yes, they could no longer get stoned, and their minds raced.
They must take a break.
They go back to MJ because they healed their mind to the effect they can be stoned once again.
Now, I know you want to examine your relationship with MJ.
Yes, I don't get stoned therefore my mind is in overdrive.
How do you feel about that?
It's great.
You seek out the opposite effect of MJ.
Yes, she is a teacher.
If you were stoned by MJ, you wouldn't like it.
Correct.
Well, if you ever get to that point, then you know you are addicted.
I don't think that will happen.
Why?
My mind won't crash out.
I know it could if I took more.
That's what people are doing.
They take a dose which can short circuit their mind.
They get to that place of happiness and joy.
Exactly.
That's the addiction.
Then they feel free to do what gives them pleasure.
I see that.
Thus, the comment about how strong your mind is.
You don't get stoned.
Hypnotized.
I saw that with Ayahuasca where she was very hypnotic; however, I wouldn't fall under her spell.
Why not?
Whatever the dose is, I didn't get there.
Huachuma was similar where I had a big dose over and over, and I did at times get to a place of cosmic love for all.
I remember those feelings.
It wouldn't last.
Do you think Huachuma came the closest to getting you in a state of permanent bliss?
Yes, I'd say so.
What stopped you?
My mind.
It's too strong.
I know I could take more MJ and be fine, however I have found the doses which are teaching and that's the reason for my use of MJ.
Isn't that addiction?
It could be.
I see that I return for knowledge.
I also return for stories and my friends.
I also like the heightened feelings and awareness.
Isn't that addiction?
Sure.
I mean because you like something, does that make it an addiction?
If so, you can't avoid it.
I think you need to clarify what an addiction is.
Something you feel powerless to stop.
Is it because it's bad for you?
Not necessarily, it could be good or pleasurable.
What about balance?
That would be part of the addiction where you are aware of the boomerang, however you still do it.
You would return to the addiction even though you know of the toxic boomerang.
Is that part of the definition of addiction?
An addiction is something you are powerless to stop even though you are aware of the consequences which can be positive or negative.
Addiction is an awareness of balance and still doing it.
Is that why some people will get addicted to something destructive?
Yes, say a drug they know will cause them pain.
They will do it for the pleasure.
The opposite is at work, and it seems to be the same thing.
Yes, you'd drink alcohol for the pleasure even though you know you will suffer for your choice.
Isn't that the mechanism for drugs?
Yes, however some people want pain.
Why?
To reap the benefits.
Remember we discussed BDSM and how you receive pain first.
It's because the lasting memory in that case is pleasure when it's over.
The reward is at the end.
So, you're saying the smart choice is to take the pain first.
If you feel you must make a choice.
So, don't play?
No, that's boring.
So, do play?
Yes.
Don't you make a choice for pain first then?
No, you don't make the choice.
Your playmate does.
How does this work with MJ in that she will stone you or make your mind race?
You let her make the choice.
She doesn't stone me.
That's not from a lack of trying.
Got it.
What about you?
I am present.
So, I'm not addicted to her?
You are playing.
That's how you play.
You let the other choose and you will win.
If you don't want the game to end, then don't run up the score but know you can win if you want.
You win by going with the flow.
Same with MJ where you go for a walk and don't force the issue.
When you force the issue, you are vying for control over the game.
Trying to get control over the game will eventually cause pain because once you get control, you will direct the adventure to what you want.
Obviously, you want to win the game, so that's why you seek control to get the outcome you desire.
I'm telling you that is how you lose.
You let your opponent take power because they will make a mess of it.
They will choose to take advantage of power and not realize the coming boomerang.
Is this how I keep winning in life?
Yes, you go with the flow and don't seek power.
By doing this it is recognized you are power.
Power does not seek power.
Power has no need for power.
Why would power need power?
What would power do with power?
Give it away.
When you give it away, you get it back.
You can't hang onto it.
All who seek power wish to then hang onto it and therefore lose it.
You give it away, and it returns.