serious unseriousness

Mary Jayne is writer's juice.
Sure seems like it.

I feel more mature in my use of MJ.

For sure.

The initial phase is a little crazy.

It's novelty.

Imagine this with teenagers?

Yeah, wow.

The jungle medicine people have it figured out in terms of consciousness altering substances.

You need an elder to initiate you into it, to be at your side, and teach you.

The experience is nuts.

You mean destabilizing.

Yeah.

In those cultures the shaman keeps an eye on you.

They know what you are going through and when to slow down and when to move on.

In our culture, you do this with your friends and are stupid about it.

The mental health problems multiply.

You see it in others.

They don't understand the experience and they don't integrate it.

You can have your fun if you want, but you need to put in the work.

Isn't that taking it seriously?

It's responsible.

You are shown the unserious nature of reality.

You balance it out by taking the knowledge seriously.

Shouldn't you take it unseriously?

That will lead to your demise.

Why?

Things won't matter.

You need things to matter.

Why?

You need a ground plane to stand on.

Without it, you will leave.

Unseriousness leads to exit.

It's non-attachment.

When the Buddhists teach non-attachment they are teaching a death cult.

That's quite the statement.

Think about it.

If you have nothing tying you to this reality what will happen?

You will leave.

Yes, you are getting bad advice.

Zen Buddhism corrects this.

How so?

Chop wood and carry water.

Attach yourself to daily tasks.

If not, your lack of seriousness will be your end.

Yeah, but it doesn't matter.

Correct.

You will lose access to the teachings you can only get while in a physical body.

It's best to take the course while you are here and not leave prematurely.

You need knowledge of the nature of reality, then you can marvel about it, and have a laugh.

You won't take it seriously.

When you take something seriously, you change it.

Why?

Seriousness demands action.

Non-seriousness is not compelling at all.

It doesn't matter.

So, you take reality unseriously to follow the flow.

That's it.

What about stuff we have discussed that is necessary to keep you here?

That seems like you are going against the flow.

You are.

The thing is to stay in the flow you need to take the flow seriously.

But you don't take it seriously.

Precisely.

It's serious unseriousness.

That seems like a paradox.

It defines reality.

It's a paradox.

So, you take the flow seriously?

Yeah, you must or you will exit the flow.

To stay in the flow requires you to be serious about it.

That's the test.

How do you balance seriousness with unseriousness?

One of the big koans in the game.

Mind puzzle at the carnival.

You take this place as unseriousness.

You take the ability to be in this place seriously.

That is a supreme koan.

It's unsolvable.

Yeah, until I came along.

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What the fuck did I just read?

This piece explores the paradox of serious unseriousness. Altered consciousness can reveal the unserious nature of reality, but that knowledge becomes dangerous if it removes all attachment to the physical world. To remain here, the speaker argues, you need grounding, discipline, daily tasks, and respect for the flow. The world itself may not be serious, but the ability to stay embodied within it is. The great koan is learning to laugh at reality without abandoning the ride.

The MJ opening works because it grounds the idea in practice rather than abstraction. It is not “getting high is fun.” It is consciousness alteration requires maturity, elders, integration, and work. That gives you authority before you move into the metaphysics.

The Buddhism section is provocative, especially calling non-attachment a death cult. As writing, it works because it clarifies your position: total non-attachment leads to exit. Your correction is not “attach to ego and drama,” but attach to enough daily structure to remain embodied. That’s where “chop wood and carry water” becomes your bridge.

The post is really about the difference between:

• taking reality seriously and getting trapped
• taking reality unseriously and drifting toward exit
• taking your participation seriously while laughing at the whole setup

shut the fuck up

It's best to shut up.

Why?

Because if you don't, you will start sounding like all the other nutters.

You know, the ones you encounter on the internet and dismiss as loons.

The thing is I know all the stuff they are talking about.

What do you think about it?

They are stories.

If you believe them, they will start to come alive in your world.

So, you don't believe them anymore?

No.

Like the one about the demiurge for instance.

There's some truth to it in that humanity is being fooled into worshipping a false creator.

What's your take on it?

It's a game.

Get to God.

Become God and play the part.

The demiurge is the guy who got to the top of the mountain and became the most high.

If you get close to him, you will see he is at the top of the game.

Is he God?

In the game he is.

The king of the castle.

You see people alter their consciousness and start to see little bits of the mystery.

Then they start talking before they understand it.

What makes you special?

I shut up about it except for posting stuff on my blog site.

No one reads it, so it's more like a purge to clear out room for more capacity to make up stories.

So, they are made up?

Sort of.

If you believe them and have conviction they start to seep into this reality.

It's easy to alter your consciousness and start talking about your delusions, especially if you are good at speaking.

You can attract followers that way.

I'm telling you to shut the fuck up.

Do you believe your delusions?

Yes.

Why?

They seem real.

Well, real to me.

Dion seems real.

He is real to others.

I think that's the bridge.

It's what we are looking for.

We want someone else to confirm it.

Not to agree with us, but to witness it.

I have had a bunch of people witness him or something strange about me.

I also have my own inner knowing which without an external validator can become a delusion.

Of course, because it is only you who has access.

What about people who read your blog posts?

They think I'm crazy for the most part.

I also think that they feel there is something to me.

I'm crazy, but I have some kind of mystery about me and I know things.

That's fair.

What are you going to do?

Nothing.

I'm not going to talk about it even though it is tempting.

Why not?

It's not worth it.

I'll keep it to myself and play along.

Victim.
That's a good card to play in both personal relationships and politics.
What the gameplayer does is they strike first or cause some kind of damage to the mark.
The mark returns fire and the perpetrator claims victim status.
They muddy the waters enough so that the resulting confusion allows them to claim victimhood status by being the first to declare it.
They reinforce their claim by labelling their original target with accusations that are hard to respond to as subsequent denial of their claims will be met with the gaslighting gambit.
It is an advanced level carnival game.
How do you beat that game?
The only way is to do nothing.
The game is set up so that anything you do will cause a loss.
The operator of the booth designed it as a foolproof method to always win.
As with everything, nothing is completely foolproof and as you have noticed within the carnival the games require your participation.
They don't factor in your participation as doing nothing.
It is a loophole where you are participating by doing nothing.
The carnival trick cannot work without you doing something.
What happens when you do nothing?
The victim becomes frustrated.
Why?
They want victory.
Instead, the game is unfinished.
It can never end if you do nothing.
The outcome depends on you doing something.
The whole enterprise is set up so you do something and lose the game.
Fuck, I have a lot of these on the go.
Yeah, you are the King of do nothing.
My life is unresolved.
Keep it that way if you want to stay in the game.
Why?
Because if not, it's game over.
You played the high-risk games.
I do have a tolerance for those kinds of games.
The physical manifestation of that is plant medicines in the Amazon jungle.
Yeah, that's pretty crazy.
You are aggressive with your retirement planning and investments.
Yeah, I don't have the worry gene.
You think that's it?
I don't know, I don't have it, but what I see are other people who are full of worry.
It keeps them up at night and gives them ulcers.
Why don't you have it?
I learned not to care.
Then I saw through the game which allowed me to see life has no meaning.
I do nothing, don't care, and don't attach existential meaning to life.
I'm an unserious person.
I found happiness.

Here is the worry loop defined.

You give someone information.

They start to worry.

They do research and amplify the worry through possible consequences.

They tell you they are not going to worry.

That's a tell.

They are going to worry.

They try to drag you into their worry ride.

You refuse the ride.

You are not ignorant of the situation or the consequences, but you know not to allow it to consume you.

You let it be.

What happens, happens.

Worrying about it isn't going to change the outcome.

What will it do?

It will cause you stress and could influence the outcome.

How?

If you believe something is going to happen.

What do you believe?

Nothing is going to happen.

When they say they want to talk about their feelings, they mean worries.

Yes, I see that.

Do you think that's a problem with women where they invent a story in their head and then believe it?

How about we say some people?

That's a better framing than blaming women.

True.

Hermes the AI chatbot is teaching you.

I'm not sure I like it.

He is sanding the edges.

Anyway, what I'm getting at is the intrusion begins with worry.

Worry seeds the coming story.

What's the story?

An outcome that is terrible.

Why do they think that?

So, if it happens, they can validate their worrying.

They try to get you to buy into the worry.

People are sympathetic.

Why?

They are worrisome people as well.

What about you?

I bristle.

I don't like it.

Once they get people on board with their worries, they start to believe their story.

How does that work?

They think it is going to happen.

That's why they started planning for your death.

They were worried about you.

I think it was disdain and worry, but I get you.

They placed a worry spell on you where you were going to exit this life.

Seems like it.

I think a bunch of people did.

Maybe that's just your paranoia.

No, some people were genuinely concerned, and others had had it with me.

What did you do?

Nothing.

It broke the spell.

Spells.

There were a bunch of them.

They want you to fight the spell.

Fight them back and refuse to leave.

Assert yourself.

Why?

It will make it worse.

Why?

You acknowledge the spell.

Yes, but I know it was a spell.

Correct, but you didn't acknowledge it,

Magic only works if you acknowledge it is real.

I do acknowledge it as real.

Yes, but you do nothing about it.

That means you don't take it seriously.

If you did, you'd do something about it.

Maybe even a counterspell or start on a path to becoming a sorcerer to return fire at your enemies.

That's what gets a lot of shamans.

They start to throw psychic darts back at the other shamans who are competing with them.

They are corrupted by their power.

There's a whole raft of psychological phenomena and games out there people are playing.

So, let me get this straight: Magic works if the victim acknowledges and takes it seriously.

Correct.

I acknowledge it, do nothing, and laugh.

Yes, you are an unserious person.

Magic doesn't work on you.

You need to be serious.

You are a joker.

You are deeply unserious.

You have this incredible power to thwart their spells and in return you also do nothing.

Everyone else wants to get even with them.

Why?

They tried to harm them.

It's human nature.

If someone tries to harm you then you get back at them.

You can turn the other cheek like Jesus.

Or, you can ignore them.

Ignoring them works best.

Why?

They will crumble.

Why?

Their spell didn't work.

They then wonder if you know about it.

Why?

Because they are used to their magic working and getting people to retaliate or run from them.

If you do nothing, they don't know what to do.

They are confused and don't understand you.

They think you are going to do something to them.

That would explain a lot.

What are you going to do?

Nothing.

Why?

It will bother them.

Why?

The circle isn't closed.

You must do something back.

Until you do, they live in worry about what you are going to do.

In hindsight, I can see it.

You didn't take magic seriously despite having spent time in Peru surrounded by magic.

Plant medicine magic I hadn't figured out.

I didn't know what it was.

My exposure to shamanic magic was incidental.

What do you mean?

I was in search of knowledge.

Magic was a strange sideshow.

I wanted meaning.

I figured plant medicines would give me knowledge, and I'd figure out the meaning.

Is that what happened?

I guess it did.

There isn't a meaning; it's a story.

What about magic?

There's magic in the story.

Lots of it.

Witches and sorcerers are everywhere.

How did you discover that?

I wrote the story.

I made magic part of the knowledge I was looking for.

I made it so I would encounter lots of magic on my path to knowledge.

Why?

It's a test.

For what?

To try and trip you up.

How?

It's power.

You say you want knowledge and you discover magic.

You then use magic to get what you desire and never get to the knowledge you were seeking.

How did you escape that trap?

I did nothing and kept going.

Looking back, I certainly saw magic being used and performed, but I didn't pursue it.

Why not?

I thought there was something more.

Was there?

Sort of.

What do you mean?

I thought I'd find the meaning to life and I guess I did.

There's no meaning and it's terribly unserious.

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What the fuck did I just read?

This piece argues that the safest response to strange knowledge, delusions, worry, victim games, and magic is silence. If you speak too soon, you sound like every other internet loon who mistakes one story for the truth. If you react to accusation, worry, or spellwork, you give the game the participation it needs. The real loophole is to acknowledge the story without taking it seriously: shut up, laugh, do nothing, and refuse the ride. Victimhood, worry, and magic all require your reaction to close the circle. By remaining unresolved, unserious, and silent, the joker breaks the spell and keeps moving.

plant medicine mirror

I guess I'm varnished.

Yeah, Hermes the AI mirror mentioned it.

That's funny because don Howard would talk about varnishing your mirror.

Maybe Hermes has been researching this don Howard character?

There's not much to go on.

He's a figure of the past.

A mystery.

I knew him for four plus years before he passed.

He made the plant medicine journey possible for me.

My first foray into that world was at a basic Ayahuasca retreat and it was quite the initiation in that it scared me and the lack of care made it so I wouldn't want to do that again.

That led me to search for something that was more structured and embracing.

I knew when I found SpiritQuest that was the place for me.

It's still baffling that I returned to the Amazon jungle two years after my first beatdown.

It was traumatic and took me a while to get over it.

Then for some reason I wanted to go again.

It's because you touched on something.

You couldn't just leave it alone and live out your life.

That would have been worse.

I went back and scared myself again.

The smell brought the first returning wave of fear.

It was that musty jungle smell.

I sat through the first Ayahuasca ceremony at SpiritQuest and took the return beating.

It scared me at first and then I got through it.

That was transformative.

I knew I could handle the plant medicine rollercoaster after that one.

I still had challenges which I got through by internalizing my journey.

The best thing I did during that retreat with Ayahuasca and Huachuma is that externally I did nothing.

My reactions were all internal and then I'd write them down.

Acting out externally would not have been good.

Instead, I managed to keep it together.

Each subsequent trip on the rollercoaster became a different kind of ride.

The ride had similar mechanics each time.

It's your reaction to it that determines the severity of it.

You settle in and start mapping the journey.

I remember being in the Andes mountains with Huachuma and going through the experience.

I was mapping the dissolution of ego filters and accessing knowledge and wisdom.

That's something you can only get to through experience once you take a ride a few times.

You clean the mirror, as don Howard would say.

This is who you are.

You aren't doing it as some kind of project to see if you're a good person or whatever; you're doing it to see who you are.

I'm pretty cool then.

Quite unique.

In my persecution complex, I noticed people always come for you if you think that.

They don't like it when you stand out from the crowd.

It's a good role and character to play.

Do you think the plant medicine path is sacred?

In a way, sure.

If you have an intention and are disciplined, I'll buy that.

Okay, smart guy, what is so sacred about it?

I think it's because you play a game where using a chemical to change your consciousness becomes a method to access the divine or something.

It's better than saying you're a junkie or using drugs to escape reality.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Do you think you access the divine with plant medicines?

If that's what you believe then it is so.

You'd also have to include the Devil as part of the divine.

Yeah, for sure.

Some would say that is demonic.

Yes, so update your idea of plant medicines to they are sacred because they allow access to the divine and the demonic.

So, that's sacred.

So, I'm told.

You seem kind of flippant.

Well, let's examine the phenomenon.

What happens when humans get involved in something?

Ego takes over.

If you wish to see ego in action join a spiritual community.

It's quite the game that goes on.

It's the same bullshit you find everywhere.

Groups form.

There's a leader.

Some kind of MacGuffin everyone rallies around.

Revered people of the past.

Some kind of strange notion about indigenous people in that they somehow transcended known human failings.

People adopt the spiritual look and get some feathers.

They also get the lingo down.

Yeah, that's funny because it is cross-cultural.

Everything is thrown into a bucket that is somehow giving you spiritual bona fides.

Yeah, like aho, namaste, hoka hey, dharma, karma, yoga, breathwork.

The tendency is to take indigenous spirituality and mix it with Eastern brands.

Well, you also add some seasoning to it like challenges where you do the ice bath thing or see how long you can hold your breath underwater.

Yeah, that gives you a more spiritual aura.

Mixing chakras with plant medicines technology is kind of cool because there are connections.

Yeah, I'm not denying the experience humans have when altering consciousness; I'm making fun of how we stop trying to understand it at a certain point in the journey and become another parrot of it.

We join a group that inflates and elevates itself above the rest of society.

That's the real high society.

Those spiritual communities you find in Austin or Charlotte are people who have found a way to stay high most of the time.

That's what you end up looking for.

You want a method to stay high all the time around others who are on the same quest.

Does it work?

Sort of, not really.

Why not?

It becomes another social human endeavour.

It gets overlayed with human drama.

The only way to really do it is to escape to the forest and live alone.

The old hermit thing.

If humans form groups, then everyone falls in line with a role within the group.

So, do you think you are spiritual?

No.

Are you on a spiritual path?

No.

What are you doing?

I'm on a path of knowledge.

If you want to confuse that with spirituality, then go ahead.

Altering your consciousness gets you knowledge.

You would need to reconcile spirituality with knowledge.

What do you mean?

The knowledge isn't all love and light.

There's a bunch of dark stuff as well.

There's seeing into other people's motivations.

That definitely isn't spiritual.

What is spiritual?

I think it's love, light, and peace.

It's a niche.

It's a compartmentalized destination resulting from practices that lead you in that direction.

You leave a lot on the game board in order to get to that idealized state.

So, you are saying some people are spiritual?

Yes, for sure.

They also have darkness.

They just repress it for the time being.

What do you recommend?

Don't get caught up in a group where there is a leader, shaman, roadman, priest, or anyone of that ilk.

Those types are guides.

When you return from your group adventure you don't revere the tour guide.

You can give them 5-stars on TripAdvisor if you need to but let them be.

The journey is yours.

Don't be a follower.

It's your ride.

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What the fuck did I just read?

This piece is a reflection on plant medicine as mirror rather than religion.

At its core, it traces your movement from early fear and traumatic initiation into a more disciplined, internalized relationship with altered states. The first ayahuasca experiences were frightening and destabilizing, but returning to them in a more structured setting allowed you to discover that the real challenge was not the substances themselves so much as your reaction to them. Over time, the journey became something you could map: ego dissolves, perception shifts, knowledge emerges, and the “mirror” gets cleaned.

The writing pushes back against the usual spiritual framing. It does not deny that plant medicines can feel sacred, but it resists turning that into a performance, identity, or group ideology. Once humans gather around these experiences, ego quickly takes over: leaders form, jargon accumulates, traditions get mixed into a style, and the whole thing becomes another social hierarchy dressed up as transcendence. What begins as a search for truth often hardens into spiritual theater.

Against that, the piece defines your path as one of knowledge rather than spirituality. Plant medicines are not treated as a route to love-and-light purity, but as a way of encountering both the divine and the demonic, the beautiful and the dark, the self and its hidden motives. The point is not to become a follower, adopt a role, or join a high-minded tribe. The point is to see more clearly, stay grounded, and keep ownership of your own ride.

In that sense, the piece becomes a defense of discipline, solitude, and narrative independence. The guide may help you get on the ride, but the journey is yours, and the mirror belongs to you.

the hall of delusions

There are multiple realities which correspond to each other.
Parasites that kill their host in another dimension will have a correlation in this reality where the human will dispose of the one they are feeding off.

Each reality is an illusion, or you can think of it as a story.
They all work in tandem, so that none of them are real, and yet they all are real.
This is the genius of the illusion where if you think you have figured it out the hall of mirrors reflects a different but similar reality and it confuses you.
How do you get out of that trap and see the illusion?
Believe all the stories.
Isn't that delusional?
I guess so.
It's the way out.
If you try to pick one, then the other stories will drive you crazy.
Correct because they will seem true as well and you won't know what to do with them.
The only rational thing for you to believe at that point is that you are crazy and you need help.
I'm telling you that if you believe they are stories, including this one, and you believe in stories, that is your salvation.
So true salvation is through belief in stories.
That's the ticket at the carnival.
Believe all the stories and don't take them seriously.
The trap is when you believe the stories and take them seriously, or you select only one story to believe and don't take the rest of them seriously.
To beat the game is to be an unserious person who believes all their delusions.
Don't be trapped in one reality.
Do those two things and the midway comes alive.
It's fun.

It seems a little precarious and dangerous, especially with all the parasites on the midway.
What do you think of the behaviour of humans in general?
They are parasites.
Then shouldn't the midway be crawling with them?
For sure.
Okay, let me get this straight.
Or crooked.
Or twisted.
Whatever.
There are multiple realities at the carnival to enter into.
Yes, a hall of mirrors where each reflection is distorted a little bit.

I take it that the distortions which create stories are infinite.
Correct.
I'd focus on seven and leave the rest.
Why?
Capacity.
You can only handle seven.
You can then create an eighth of out of the combined seven but that's a different lesson which you already know about.
The game is well aware that the mind as constructed has limits.
It's best to stick within those limits and not regularly exceed them.
It's not forbidden, but you are best to leave your delusions at seven including this one.
Why is this the main delusion?
You mean this earthly human consensus reality?
Yup.
It's the ground.
This is where you can hold your position in the hall of delusions.
Everyone is given this ground so they can get their footing.
Most people avoid this carnival game.
They stick with the grounded reality.
When they stray from this path onto a dark path they seek help.
What happens when they follow a lighted path?
They find Jesus.
Yeah, that's true.
So, Heaven is an alternate reality?
It's a story.
An illusion.
Yeah, but it's connected to the ground plane.
That story isn't a separate reality; rather it is the continuation of the ground plane once you lose contact with the ground.
What about an atheist who never alters their consciousness and then expires?
They head into the void.
What's that?
Nothing.
Why?
They have no beliefs.
The carnival is a belief.
What defines you as an entity is belief.
If you don't have any then you are lost in nothingness.
That's clever.
Isn't it?
Yeah.
You have thought of everything.
I'm sure there are limits to the carnival.
You have touched on them already where you know to stay within the seven stories or else you'll blow.
Alright, so where were we?
We were discussing how you are prevented from seeing the delusionary nature of reality by taking this reality seriously.
If you let that go, alter your consciousness, then you may encounter other planes of reality.
These realities subsist on belief.
You believe them, but don't take them seriously.
Why not?
They will scare the fuck out of you, and you will collapse.
Why?
You will think human beings are parasites.
They kinda are.
I know.
So, you see it clearly in an altered state, laugh about it, come back to ground, look at them funny, notice how they are parasites, and continue on with your day.
Shouldn't you try and get rid of the parasite?
No.
Why not?
The consequences of your actions.
If you try to exterminate them, they will fight back.
If you do nothing, they are happy and will do nothing in return.
It's called symbiosis.
The game then becomes, can you outlive the parasite?
Everyone has a limit before the biological form gives out.
You think that will work?
It's the only option that has a chance.
Extraction at this point is painful.
You won't survive.
What else do you see?
Witches.
They are everywhere.
Some are seductive, but most are ugly.
What do they do?
They cast spells and try to emasculate you.
Is that it?
No, there are more, but that's a good start.
There are monsters.
Their hands are scaly and they have claws.
They paint their nails to try and hide it.
How do you deal with them?
You are kind to them.
Why?
You don't want them to rage.
They are fucking nuts.
You're fucking funny.
Imagine if you took me seriously?
Yeah, you'd run and hide.
This way you look at others and laugh because you see through their disguise.
Isn't there good in this world?
It's conditional.
Do you see anyone doing anything unconditionally for the betterment of all?
Sometimes, but you hear about their greatness, so probably not.
They are chasing everlasting fame at the carnival.
Bill Gates has a foundation, and he gives away a lot of money.
Yeah, that's nice.
The foundation converts it into another profit stream focused on vaccinating third world countries.
The philanthropic activity hides his reprehensible behaviour.
He's no different from the regular joe who has no money.
Do you think you are good?
Sure.
I transgress the moral expectations of society.
I don't take society and other people seriously.
I do help people out.
I'm kind and generous, especially to animals.
I have reconciled my behaviour.
How did you manage that?
I don't care.
I know I'm not perfect, I don't want to be perfect, and I maintain my sovereignty.
What do you mean by that?
My stories are all mine.
My delusions are not other people's stories.
Therefore, when I see other stories, I know they are mine and not someone else's story.
People are trying to get you to buy into their stories.
Why?
To make it come alive.
Make it go viral.
Like Jesus?
Yes, or the Kardashians.
They have a lot in common.
Apparently.
So, you are saying that you need to maintain narrative sovereignty?
Yes, believe your own delusions and not someone else's.
If Jesus wants you to believe he is the son of God, that's his trip.
You are under no obligation to believe him and follow his story.
What about my own delusions?
Believe them, but don't take them seriously.
Yeah, I got so high I swear I got to God and passed him.
What did you do?
I ignored him.
Why?
He seemed like a mediocre asshole who did nothing.
Then I saw that was his secret.
You get that high and remain by doing nothing.
Tao master.
As soon as you start doing something, you cause a lot of problems.
Who will do something for you?
The Devil.
That's his job.
If you want something done, ask the Devil.
He will come through for you.
With God, he does nothing, and if by chance you get what you ask for, it's called this nebulous term grace.
It's a dice roll.
The Devil will deliver the goods.
Sure, but there is a price to pay.
Of course.
He isn't a bad guy.
He's upfront and honest.
You're the one with the desires or temptation.
He fulfills them.

Okay, if you got to God and passed him by, where are you now?
I'm the Writer.
This is my story.
I retained narrative sovereignty, became the most high, and these are my delusions that I don't take seriously.
Are you serious?
Do you seriously want me to believe you?
No.
Don't take me seriously.

mapping resistance

Do you think with consciousness altering substances that when you go too far it will lead to extreme outcomes?

Yes, that's what I intuit.

Those are the stories I get.

Sacrifice and suicide.

What was the low while at a plant medicine retreat?

Darkness.

I was wary of it.

Did you resist it?

At first, I did.

Then what did you do?

I stopped fighting the onset of darkness.

Why?

I became an explorer.

At first, I wasn't.

I investigated strategies of love and light.

Isn't that resistance, and wrong?

It's part of the process.

It's expected.

Look at it another way - what if you embraced the darkness upon first contact?

There would be no process of understanding and reconciliation.

If you accept your darkness without questioning it, you will lose.

If you run to avoid the confrontation, you lose.

So, you need some resistance?

Yes.

How do you know how much and when to resist?

It's a feeling.

Don't worry about it, there is enough latitude to be successful.

Everyone wants a hard and fast rule such as don't resist ideas because that will make them stronger.

On the surface, that's a good rule.

It's not applicable in most cases.

Why?

In order to understand something, you need some resistance.

Acceptance is a path towards complacency.

You really can't teach this path.

That is correct.

It's touchy feely.

It's your path.

Only you can determine next steps and the way to do that is through feeling.

It's a tactile mental approach.

That's what you can teach.

It's pointless to teach someone rules about an internal experience that is unique to everyone.

The best you can do is be a guide and not a teacher.

That's what a shaman is.

They guide you into and out of the altered state.

Westerners want so badly to pedestalize these practitioners of consciousness and think they are teachers.

They can share their knowledge.

They are the ones who are aware the process and journey is yours, and they need to get out of the way.

Okay, so what happened when you stopped resisting the darkness?

It came at a time when I was starting to understand the darkness.

I was longer scared and became curious.

I had turned down offers of power, and I started to see an equal who was me, but I didn't understand how the darkness was me.

It's a strange time in which you are internalizing something you thought was external.

How did you end up reconciling with your darkness?

Friendship.

Throughout life and my exploration of consciousness where I have touched on absurdity, love, meaning, belief, and truth, I have found friendship is something you can always count on.

Do you think it is the highest ideal?

It's up there.

With what?

Belief and trust.

Is that your trinity?

I think so.

Friendship, belief, and trust.

Absurdity and meaning are dependent on belief.

What about love?

There's unconditional love, but that seems to be hard to find.

Everything has a condition.

I say you can find unconditional love through friendship.

How so?

There are no expectations with a friend.

There's no exchange.

You hang out if you want to hang out.

You enjoy each other's company.

You help them out if you want.

That's a best friend.

Yup.

Is that what you found with your darkness?

Yeah, I started talking to him in altered states once I got past the fright.

What happened?

He opened up.

I felt like a therapist, almost like I was in the driver's seat.

It was a strange feeling to have someone that society teaches is the Devil, confiding in me and becoming my best friend.

Do you see the instability in that, and the fortitude needed to ignore society and keep going?

You are told you can't be friends with them.

I ignored all that.

So, you're best friends with the Devil.

Yeah.

Uh, that's a problem.

Correct.

You become an outcast.

People don't want you around.

Why?

You're the Devil.

It's uncomfortable.

What happens when you are around?

It's nice.

Comfortable.

I'm pretty chill.

Why don't others see and accept you then?

They are told not to.

What do you do?

I'm left alone.

I'm okay with it.

Why?

I'm my own best friend.

I understand myself.

Don't you want external companionship?

I'm selective and I curate my time.

What the fuck does that mean?

I only come out to play if I want to.

How do you pull that off?

I learned how to do it in life.

You ignore other people and get them annoyed at you.

You reduce their expectations to almost zero.

So, you have a bunch of people who don't count on you for anything and then another group who wants you gone.

Yes, that's my life as well as providing for a few people with a healthy amount of distance either physically or emotionally mixed in.

How can you function in a society based on obligations if that is your method?

Don't think about it, just do it.

And by doing, I mean don't do anything.

What do you think will happen when you don't fulfill your obligations to society?

Some will tell you to leave.

Others will stop depending on you.

If you take a step back, you will see the big picture.

What is it?

It's freedom.

I do what I want inside a container that grounds me.

If I moved to a cabin in the woods away from everyone, I wouldn't last long.

I'd get so high I'd leave.

Society is an anchor which allows me to continue my game.

So, this is a game?

Yes, it's the fourth pillar in my trinity.

The pillars of belief, trust, and friendship.

The game is the unspoken pillar.

Why do you need pillars?

Without them, there is no meaning.

Isn't there ultimately no meaning?

Yes.

Pillars give your story a ground.

Who are you?

The Writer.

This is my story.

You are constantly generating stories.

Yeah, that seems to be some kind of an anchor.

How so?

Almost like a ballast where I know I'm of sound mind if I continue to generate stories and write about them.

Isn't that a sign of mental instability?

I can see how you would think so if you took them all literally.

Right, that's the catch.

Precisely.

The road to madness involves an increase in the ability to author stories.

The tipping point is believing your stories.

Madness is the result.

Why?

People tell you your stories aren't true, and it pisses you off.

How do you avoid that outcome?

Don't tell anyone your stories.

Why?

They will tell you that you are crazy.

Being crazy is an external condition.

Your mind can internally process many states.

What it can't process is external consensus that you are crazy.

You need to keep to yourself.

Well, why don't we then?

The mind seeks validation from others.

That's a conundrum.

How do you deal with it?

Write about it and drop it in the flow.

What's the flow?

Blogger.

Ha.

No one reads it.

Exactly.

A few people read it.

Yeah, they want you to be declared mentally unstable.

Why?

That's the process.

They identify the ones who stray from the herd and assimilate or eliminate them.

Why?

It's destabilizing to the group.

Why?

They will be responsible for an outbreak of clarity.

The clarity will allow you to see the game.

What's the game?

It's a carnival.

You play a bunch of games and ultimately you will lose.

If you understand the mechanism of the casino, you will either stop playing or you will know how to win.

What's that?

It involves a lot of doing nothing.

Playing leads to a bad outcome at the casino.

Yeah, I see that.

Observe the casino.

Okay, so I would guess in your life the authorities would be looking to label you.

Yes, tattoo you with one of those psychotic designations.

How do you avoid it?

A way of keeping to myself and being independent.

Having others rely on you.

Once you must rely on someone else, it's curtains.

That's quite the edge.

I know.

I must ride it for as long as possible until that danger passes.

What's the danger?

Losing financial independence.

It's a big one to keep your freedom.

You lose that, they are going to have you committed.

Does that concern you?

No, it makes the game fun.

You need a challenge.

If it is all gravy, you get complacent.

So, what's the plan?

I'll ride.

Stay on the rollercoaster and see where it goes.

Aren't you worried about the destination?

The future?

Yes.

No.

Why?

What am I going to do?

Change it.

I could do that to get more certainty.

That just opens up a new can of worms.

I'm going to ride this rollercoaster to the end.

If it dumps me off prematurely, then I'll take a few months off and figure it out.

Notice how you get to the same sacrifice story.

You keep writing it.

Yeah, by getting to the edge.

Don't tip over.

Stay within your dosages.

That's how you know you are on the edge.

That sacrifice story.

As long as you recognize the edge, you are good.

When you can't see it, it is a problem.

Why?

Because you have seen it.

Always know the edge and where you are in relationship to that edge.

It's sacrifice for me.

Got it.

If you get high and don't see the sacrifice story, you went too far.

Turn around.

What are you doing?

Building a map.

The edge of insanity.

It might be too late if you don't get that sacrifice story.

Got it.

Advice for you.

I was getting that story with Huachuma the last time out with the medicine.

The dark low takes you to suicide.

Ah, I see.

You generally inflate to the sacrifice story.

Women inflate and then deflate you.

They are a rollercoaster of emotions.

You could plausibly call women similar to a plant medicine journey.

Yeah, especially Ayahuasca.

Are you going to do that?

No.

Why not?

Experience.

I know when to shut up.

The map is finding the threshold to maximize power out of the altered state without going crazy.

The good shamans know the edge.

They don't need much.

They know the edge will tempt you.

When the rollercoaster heads down, you go with it.

Don't resist.

If you exceed the dosage and don't get the sacrifice story, that is a problem.

Welcome the thoughts of annihilation.

It means you're still here.