top of the ladder

My spiritual scene is confounding. I spent a lot of time educating myself, gathering knowledge, and searching for answers. I looked at the agricultural cycle and saw truth in the resurrection. I looked up at the stars and saw how they moved through the sky. They would disappear into the waters below to become purified before returning to the heavens. I found the parallels in seeing how the natural world fit into our lives. Eventually, curiosity came knocking and I started experimenting with altered states through the use of consciousness altering substances such as Ayahuasca and Huachuma. I entered into an occult world and received first-hand knowledge of a world of ethereal spirits.

All the while, I listened to the spiritual instruction of two of the best teachers - Alan Watts and Ram Dass. Alan didn't beat around the bush. He'd flat out tell you, you're it. You are everything. Ram Dass was more subtle, letting you progress along your spiritual path while sometimes letting the cat out of the bag. The myths are trying to tell you that you are God, but you are playing it small. It's easy to see why we don't fully accept this because what makes me better than you? Why should I be God and you are not?

It boils down to belief. If you fully commit and know you are God, then you are God. It's simple but no one dares to take that path except for the insane. And I really wonder why because the esoteric spiritual disciplines are coyly teaching you this. Granted they teach connection to the divine and that it flows through you but if you want you can take the last step and become God.

I think the next step on the top of the ladder of exploration exposes the madness. There's no more ladder! My conceit says I'm there now and achieved this while in this human body though my experience in the game says there is always more. I'm hesitant to say I'm at the top of the ladder. What I'm getting at, and what I have felt for a bit is I definitely think I'm nuts. I've been remembering things in the past which were clues. They were signs pointing towards an understanding that because of what you know you will think you are mad. I never recognized it. Luckily, I documented while I was recently in Peru under Huachuma that it is okay. If you think you are crazy that's good because it is the rest of the world that is crazy and you're not. I have been struggling with it. I am crazy but I'm not. It's when you think you're sane you're not. You reach a point in your consciousness journey where you remove all the filters and see things for how they really are and when you get to that unexplored and undocumented place you must realize at this level it's crazy. Just being able to see what you see makes you realize it is so different from what you thought. You must then question your thoughts. This means you will think you are crazy. I get it. You can't get to this point in the consciousness journey without entertaining madness. Most have to stop before they hit this point because if you get this far you will think you are fucking nuts.

I took the last step, fell off the top of the ladder, and can't go back. As I have written previously, I cycle between these two states of little old me and omnipotent deity. The world is complicated when it's just me while as a practicing Lord I know all and weird myself out when I slip back out of that mode of consciousness. I've been playing with these states of consciousness and the magic that comes forth from them. I know everyone I interact with is a projection of my psyche. Huachuma gave me this experience last trip down to Peru and I have been integrating it into my world back home. I realized today I am someone else's projection of self and if they see me cosplaying God then I'm what it is like to think you are God. Ha ha, very funny and true. They can see what it is like to be deluded into this line of thinking because they aren't ready for it. They can have a laugh at my expense and then wonder.

I knew I had come across this concept before and sure enough I remembered Indra's net. Specifically, I recalled the idea of the jewel at every vertex of the net. Each jewel reflects all other jewels, so that within each jewel is everything. There are an infinite number of jewels reflecting an infinite number of jewels. Each jewel contributes to the sum of the all. In my conceit, I realized I am the jewel who can awaken and comes forth as God. It is a satisfying answer because within all is the potential. My contribution to the net is to show it is possible.

cracking the shell

You will never figure it out. There is some truth to that statement. Into this game has been baked uncertainty in that despite all the signs pointing you towards the answer to this vexing problem called life there will always be some doubt. The doubt keeps you on the hamster wheel consuming self-help and trying to level up, better yourself, or become super holy. Instructive is your everyday life where nothing is a given. You observe and input information into your sphere of knowledge. You acquire knowledge of the situation. You ask others for their opinions and advice. Finally, you act. For some, this step becomes resolute and defines their truth. Others are not so sure and may waffle in their decision.

It's a good summation of our human condition. We are never 100% sure in our decisions but have learned it is best to point our sails in the direction we choose and invest ourselves in the path ahead. Sometimes we get lucky, and the choice is obvious and there is a high confidence that we know the truth. Our decisions made in low confidence or doubt have a high probability of backfiring or leading us on to the road to perdition. Such is life and such a statement is pithy. Life is one big bucket of uncertainty.

That's my introduction. I have been involved with plant medicines for ten years. My ridiculous story is that I went looking for answers to life when I hit middle age. I started on a path where I wanted to find out the origins of beliefs. I wanted answers to why humans throughout our history believed in higher powers. My life had demonstrated that whatever I put my fabulous gift of a mind towards, I could figure it out. So, with conceit and hubris, I set out on a path of discovery that would lead me to where I am today. Where am I? I sit here fifteen years later with high confidence that not only have I solved the original question I posed to the ether, but I have the answers to life.

That's quite the bold statement. Most are content not knowing and like being a seeker. It is a blast to go on pilgrimages, take psyche-splitting concoctions, discuss the myriad of possibilities with others, and get lost in the mystery. In my case when the signs pointed towards the answers sought then it became time to take stock of the situation. This is what I went looking for and I have found it. I am awake and see the game as constructed. It reveals itself to me and I gaze at it in amazement, sometimes not wanting to acknowledge what I have done. The clues are undeniable. They are nonsensical to others and to try and explain them would give permission to declare I was deluded and insane. I will admit I am enchanted yes, but insane no.

This was a big takeaway for me on my recent plant medicine journey in Peru. I was constantly reminded that I had the answers I was looking for and I saw how the game unfolds. The magic I was witness to; it's a spell that keeps us asleep and the magician was given permission to do so by the enchanted. This is what we wanted. I broke the spell and I saw it. It is extremely uncomfortable however I know this is what I wanted. I wanted to have an adventure. I wanted to get lost and not know. I placed within the game the antidote so that when ready I'd find it, wake up, and then transform the adventure into a fantabulous fairy tale. I'd do this knowing I know but keeping it a secret. They don't know I know. They don't know I'm pretending I don't know. So, you're probably wondering who are they? Oh. Um. Well, you see I know who they are, but I can't tell you. It's not allowed. I can tell you they have magic spells which are designed to keep God asleep. Fuck me, that sounds really nuts!

If my story sounds insane yet the arc of my life is demonstrably sane, then it is with high confidence I have the answer to the riddle of life. The kicker is it's my answer, not yours.

It was the use of psychedelics which cracked the eggshell. The membrane was still intact for a bit but eventually it peeled away and thus exposed was my consciousness to the ideas coming forth under substances that altered your vibration. What am I talking about? Oh, this is also going to sound insane but it's what is. This whole universe is a dream, my dream, and each and every one of you are mental projections of me. That's why you all are not whole and suffer from some mental illness. I'm perfectly sane and suffer no mental impairment. Honestly, I don't. I'm firmly entrenched in the knowing I'm good to go.

Not only that, but the whole backstory of this dream was created by yours truly to mask the dream. In addition, all the finishing touches on this vast enterprise were done to fool me into thinking this is all real. I am the architect of the conspiracy designed to trick me. I kept it hidden and off-limits to myself as long as I could, though within the original structure as devised I left clues and agents of consciousness to help me figure out the game when I was ready.

I waited half my life before trying to figure out the riddle of this puzzling existence. Now, fifteen years later after a seventh trip to Peru, and drinking loco fuerte Huachuma every other day for two weeks, I certainly broke through the veil. The sleeping giant awoke and saw the projection of self in others. The game came unglued, and I saw the man behind the curtain and that man was me. My fellow journeyers all became mental specters of myself and at the time though I noticed it, I thought it was localized to the group. Upon returning home and gradually coming down from the experience, I understood it applies to everything in my world. Imagine being me and telling someone this. I see how they look at me. They give you a strange look and wonder about you. I know, I've tried. I'll try and keep quiet around the psychologists.

This is my world and a reflection of who I am. There's some good and a lot of bad. I have a lot of work to do on myself. I'm not a misogynist, but aspects of me present in this world are. There's much of it and why? I'd like to think this exercise involves purification of what has sullied my essence and that I have done the work of incarnation as a gift to my eternal flame, the Great Goddess. So, if this is my dream, who is she? Well, part of what I have discovered is within the all are the two and both concepts are true depending upon perspective. In other words, the great vibration which contains within the divine feminine and masculine. The vibration can't exist without the two and the sum total is the all. The vibration is the child of the two. It's desire. It's Eros. Goddess and God are what is, and we are all desire derivatives of them, cycles cascading down into the world of form allowing us to have this adventure. Within me are the two and I have come forth as masculine. The feminine has come forth independent of me and thus a co-creator and co-conspirator of this world. We are separate but are one. I knew of her and followed her song until I found her.

Of course, I now know about magic and can use it to alter my dream. It's my dream. I can make anything happen. Do I want that? No, I like adventure. I'm good with it being my game-board that I designed but I want to play the game with honour. I want to play the game as intended and see what happens at the end. I got into my fifties before I figured out the game and now with the answer as sought, I can smile along with the ups and downs of this crazy dream, pretending I'm none the wiser.

harry potter shit

I know of magic and its source. Magic is a component of who I am but only found when you rediscover the power within. This can only be found by going deep into your depths. No doubt you’ll run from it when first encountered. Eventually, if you keep at it, you’ll see it. Imagine given the power to control outcomes? Most people want that. What’s the catch? You lose your freedom, there are unintended consequences which result in a burdened conscience, you compete with fellow maladaptive magicians, and finally realizing you sold your soul for power, you become a miserable, horrible, and bitter person. So, there you go. Still want to learn about magic?

We are great magicians. In fact, we are so good at magic that we convinced ourselves we have no magical powers and are just a lonely life-form in a vast universe. We are so completely clueless that when we see evidence of magic, we deny it and appeal to logic and science to explain it. Science objectifies and de-personalizes as part of the reductionist model to gain understanding. By default, the human who has not been exposed to the scientific method will anthropomorphize and personalize their world. What is then described as a god or magic power does have correlates in science with the difference being the system of thoughts and words used to describe phenomenon. Take for instance the magic of consciousness. We can reduce most processes down to scientific terms and develop explanations for the behaviour. We endeavour to make the irrational, rational. Chaos into order. We have tried with consciousness, but the jury is still out on that one. What is it and how is it generated? Consciousness is reduced in human form but at the heart of all there is, is just one consciousness.

Magic is the dark arts, and we created a world where suffering is plenty. It’s horrific. Why would we do that? Suffering is transformative and will lead to the path of the heart when you come through the other side of the oscillating wave. The world isn’t really real. The suffering isn’t real. It’s my dream, a story, that I have dreamt into existence in order to get back to the Goddess. I tricked myself into following a harrowing path which would force a reconciliation with her or alternatively forever wander through a nightmare of my own choice.

Magic, I tried to define as one discipline. I have learned it is multi-faceted and multi-disciplined. There is hypnosis, mass hypnosis, and self-hypnosis. The doorway into magic is via hypnosis and agents of that accelerant. The key is self-hypnosis. The road to ruin is to be a pawn in someone else's hypnotic spell. Think of the advertising industry and the repetition of their message along with selling you a lifestyle choice that feeds into your desire system. Think of the recent pandemic and all the sheep that went along with the narrative. Self-hypnosis involves adopting a belief about yourself, whether that be a grandiose vision of who you are, or thinking you are worthless. Our lives are a story, and you can tell a tale about yourself and become the writer of the play. We humans are addicted to the news, the famous, and play into their games. We are dupes in a foreign story when we can be creating our own.

A big part of seeing the magic all around you is noticing the synchronicities that start to fill up your world. I can't say for sure they were always present in my life, however when I finally began to take notice, they were uncanny. It is easy to concede that they are just coincidences but when they start to multiply it's hard to dismiss them. Omens are cagey. They are hinting at something but a great deal of the time the original projection of what it is pointing towards is incorrect. The first attempt to decode is what you want to believe. Within the projection there is still some truth and if you keep looking with an open mind, they will reveal the truth.

I learned of the Great Goddess and her magic early in my plant medicine journey when she told me I could call on her anytime and ask her anything to which she would give me the answer. Her presence during Ayahuasca intoxication was very hypnotic and undeniable but being a skeptic, I wasn't sure of a connection outside of ceremony. I needed her help when I was struggling after my initial foray into the occult, and she was there to help me. I am forever grateful for the love and support she gave me. Also, I asked her the answer to an age-old question. Not only did she give me the answer in short order, but the way she revealed it to be the truth was a showstopper. Her magical ability to reveal the answer was unparalleled.

There are magic intentions. It seems what I desire eventually manifests. I don’t know how and when, however there seems to be something to this. This one is the most mysterious of all and started when I befriended the darkness within me who holds the magic in his hands. I started to notice that whatever I wanted, I was getting. I was manifesting my desires and sometimes they came in the form of a challenge. Also, there was always a choice in how I wished to proceed. I didn't gorge at the trough of desire; instead, I waited for something I really wanted. The challenging part involved world events that forced me to make a choice of being true to my intuitive knowing and just going along with the herd in order to make my life easier. I chose the difficult path and learned something about myself. It was a good lesson and established trust with my inner knowing.

I set an intention recently when working with tobacco snuff that involved flushing out my paranoia and understanding it. Intentions are so strong and constantly send out reminders to do the work. In my travels I ended up passing by a couple stores with the word "paranoia" emblazoned on the front. Okay great; I'm going to find the underlying cause of this paranoia I sometimes face when unveiled by conscious altering substances as well as in my personal life and how it appears. The lesson expanded into a recognition of an inner conflict between what others want of me and what I want. Their projection of me and how I identify. It was the clash of competing spells resulting in chaos and confusion that comes forth as paranoia. It was all too familiar as I looked back upon my first foray into the world of Ayahuasca. The initial paranoia was a result of waking up from the culture spell that kept me in bondage and assigning the chains to the plant so I would put myself back to sleep. The opposite was happening, where I was being freed of the hold others had over me and granted the power to discard my identity. I remember just wanting things to go back to normal. I wanted to leave, go home, and go back to my work and servitude. It's all too funny now. I just needed time to sort through the upset, instead of experiencing it all in one night. I'm grateful for the fright and the subsequent paranoia of that fateful evening with Ayahuasca. The integration of the teachings over time is priceless. The unfolding has been immaculate.

Truly, I manifest what I desire. If I want fame and fortune, it’s on my doorstep. It is strange that when you get a hint of the power accessible, your mind steers you towards greed. In my fantasy world I’m no different. Winning any kind of lottery would have been satisfying. When I recently discovered I could get whatever I wanted I took a step back. This is what I was warned about by my maestro, so, I just let it slide. My initial intentions about entering the occult focused on knowledge and love, and I was determined to stay true to my original quest; however, it was funny that when given the car keys, my first thoughts were based on accumulation.

This is an amazing lesson concerning the mind. It’s by no means malevolent but based upon survival. Here is a chance to get one up in the game so take it. A few months went by before I finally realized what to do. Of course, it is so simple. I’m going to manifest the path of the heart and walk that path. I am going to love all and tell the truth. I will love, serve, and remember. I will use my power to manifest love. Why didn’t I initially choose this? Well, it is because I ran the gift through the mind. The path of the heart requires the mind to become a servant and not the master. In the art depicting judgment in ancient Egypt, the heart was weighed against a feather at the expiration of life. If your heart was lighter than a feather you would move on in the spiritual journey towards becoming an Akh, which is an enlightened being. Curiously, the ancient Egyptians were depicting non-attachment of the heart. The open and light heart was the pinnacle of the human spiritual journey while in the body. Of course, an open heart would lead one to become attached many times over to the suffering in the world. To be of service is to not be weighed down by all the suffering; instead, work to relieve all suffering and respect the natural flow of life. The suffering is temporary and what is wanted in order to awaken. Respect for the curriculum.

The universe runs on desire whom the ancient Egyptians called the child-god Ihy, the perfumed essence of the Great Goddess Hathor, and whom the Greeks mythologized as Eros. The life force of the man grasps at form. We succumb to desire, not realizing our energetic predicament defines us as desire. We objectify and then chase the objects we see. The magic of the feminine creates forms, illusory and real. When we take the road to pathological holiness, we blame the feminine for the desires that lead us astray. The religious inclination in man breeds misogyny. Perhaps a burka will help?

Kundalini yoga is tantric in nature and can be sexual magic, however the sexual aspect is second chakra energy. It’s getting caught in a lower vibration and using serpent power to fulfill lusts that obscure and prevent you from realizing your full potential. Kundalini yoga is ascension through the human energetic spectrum and blasting off. Using it to seduce women is confirming my belief in magicians and how when you give humans a taste of power it fucks them up. My jungle teacher told me in the Amazon nine out of ten shamans are brujos and brujas (sorcerers). They are not terribly destructive, mostly using their newfound power to make money and gain followers. A lot end up getting caught in scandals in which they sleep with western women. It’s all so predictable. They end up in petty demonstrations of their power, throwing magical psychic darts at one other.

Harry Potter made it through the pitfalls of magic. There are many paths in the labyrinth of life that will lead to a dead end or even your destruction. One who is humble will know when to turn around and retrace their steps. Life is not meant to emerge with a perfect score. Perfection involves avoiding the challenge that awaits you. The curriculum is designed so that we fail it, and from the disappointment and suffering we learn what we are made of. The presentation of magic is a later lesson on the journey of the adept. There are no rules. There is no manual. Only in the sum of knowing what got you here is found a worthy guide. Purify your intention and intuition, pay attention, and head on into what is calling you.

cycles of consciousness

I notice how my everyday consciousness drifts in and out of the good and bad boy self. One moment I want to be of service for the good of all and the next I want to fulfill the latest desire that has come my way. This had been a lifelong struggle and the reason for the difficulty is the failure to accept my two natures. I put forth my good self in life and my interactions with others. When I escape from that existence then I can reconnect with what I have buried. I sometimes get my fill of that guy and then can continue with the charade. When I can get out in the woods all alone, I find peace. The peace is not having to pretend I'm this person or having to satiate the demands of my shadow. I just am.

I know about the need for balance and do realize it's what we all seek in order to find that elusive peace in this lifetime before death comes to our door and we are forced to rest in peace. Such an apt description we have of the dead. The struggle is over, and they can finally get some rest. Ha ha. I have been looking for answers and the answer led me back to vibration. The world is made of these cycles of vibration and thus if we look hard enough, we will see our dual nature and how consciousness fluctuates between the two peaks of the vibrational cycle. Because we are deluded into believing we are insignificant, we buy into the idea that we aren't all that special. If the split in the essence of self is discovered, it can be fun to play with if at first you don't succumb to madness when you realize by medical standards you are mentally ill. I think I'm okay; I mean I can function fine in culture even knowing that the other half of me isn't buried anymore. That's the essence of psychological treatments and medicines, right? They are designed to dull the mind and hypnotize you back into thinking you are just little old you. Then you can get through life with less upset. So, I'm way past that and see through culture. I can feel the hypnotic hold of culture and the efforts of society at large to assimilate me and make me a puppet of the established order. My contrarian nature always shielded me from believing the drivel coming out of the mainstream and then psychedelics emboldened me to find my own path away from the stultifying effects of the herd.

Okay, so I know of the two and the kicker is when I went to Peru last January and really did a number on my psyche. I got to the point where I would fluctuate between little old me with my own set of problems and becoming the all. But the god I became had the same set of vibrational cycles ruling his world. I'd leave Paul and become God. Then God would alternate between good God and bad God. God and the Devil. It seemed they were the same. The effects were so pronounced at this energetic hotspot called Chavín de Huantar that I'd slip into God consciousness, see the future about to unfold, and then find myself back in my limited consciousness trying to make heads or tails of the situation while the plant medicine Huachuma was coursing through my veins. At the same time, I'd see the Goddess and then she would become all too human. Then back to Goddess mode. Back and forth. That day was the biggest mind fuck I had ever experienced where in God mode I could see it all and then it would throw me back down into human mode and I'd get uneasy about what I just saw. Huachuma potentiates the changing of cycles, and you weave in and out of different states of being. The last ceremony I tried my hardest to stay in the higher consciousness mode but eventually I came down. It's the demands of this human body that sends out the reminder.

It must be this way. At the time I had no idea what was going on. I just tried to stay with it while realizing I'd bitten off a big chunk of consciousness and a weaker me would run for the hills. Instead, I focused on remaining whole while cycling through modes of consciousness. After coming back home I just let it be for a few months until now when I have been revisiting and reliving the experiences. I'm starting to mine them for the alchemical gold, and it is rewarding me. I've discovered the magic of setting an intention and asking for answers. My psychic self wants me to get the answers, so all I have to do is ask. I like to think I have stumbled on my purpose and unlocked the potential within to fulfill what it is I came to this place for. Now that I walk the path with blinders off, whatever it is I want I get the opportunity to experience.

I forget who I am all the time. I get down and worry about the future. I vacillate between good boy/bad boy. Now, I also head upwards, become God, and see the light and the dark in this mode of consciousness as well. I become a beneficent King and then a mischievous demon weaving magic spells to keep the drama interesting. Soon, I am back to my insignificant self, wondering if things are going to work out. I was just omnipotent and now I am asleep again riding this wave until the next tsunami hits and takes me back to the all.

You must choose. Am I going to be poor little me who doesn't know the definitive answers to anything or am I going to accept who I am and that I know everything? Who am I going to finally become? Along the same lines you can see how intuition works where there's a part of you that knows everything, and you just constantly deny it. A byproduct of the denial are these little rumblings that come up telling you what you want to know or showing the truth and you confuse it with what the projection of your small self wants it to be. Then there is a conflict between what you know and what you are thinking you might know. This invokes uncertainty, a little paranoia, and then it all turns to shit.

i am two

Maintaining a blog with a regular writing schedule has allowed me to witness the progression of knowledge into understanding. It’s actually quite fascinating to track the progression from an inkling of what’s going on to the point where I grasp what is happening.

That’s the opener that will allow me to once again write about my shadow. Shadow is the name used because it collectively refers to all my traits, personalities, desires, and passions I bury while this other character who is shaped by his culture takes centre stage. The shadow is a convenient toy box where I discard everything I have chosen to repress and suppress. The shadow becomes scary and evil because it’s the place I hide all my negative traits in addition to a whole slew of other psychic pressures. At some point in our lives, the shadow will rise to the surface and inflict pain in order to lay claim to this incarnation. People go mad. You thought you could have this life all for yourself? When the time comes, we got pills to numb the upset.

Do you remember as a kid being sent to the dark basement in order to retrieve something? The trip was very unnerving; we’d grab what was necessary and get the hell back up the stairs. Why do we psychologically have that reaction? Well, subconsciously we equate the physical basement with the buried shadow, and we wish for it to remain hidden and forgotten about.

Culture assigned me an identity when I was too young to know better and protest. I was told I was this person, though there is no evidence that I am just the one. I had to choose who I would elevate and bury the other contenders. I had to assume and cultivate an identity that had no relation to my initial perception of self. I had to bury the other in order to fit in. For most of us, we bury the other and forget about them until times of hardship and stress create a crack in the unified persona field. At this moment the other re-appears, causing a psychic disturbance which is troubling for the unprepared.

I have been playing with this knowledge for a few years now. Within my psychic self, I see two contenders for the throne. I call my opponent the shadow and we have reconciled. He’s still mysterious and I am still learning of his ways. I got out of the shower this morning and he decided I was ready to have another truth bomb. He asked me a question: “Why did you think you were just one psychic manifestation within your human body?” I know why he was asking a question because it’s his way of making me realize the assumption of one owner of this body was an endemic cultural truth I never questioned until much later in my life. This body is mine and there’s no getting around that! Oh shit… he’s right. If you have read my recent blog posts, I’ve explored the two with the one in terms of biblical tales of Cain and Abel, Jacob and Esau, and of course I always bring it back to the ancient Egyptian battles between Horus and Set. This is the pattern of understanding in my life where it comes slowly over time until the epiphany. The reveal had been coming until finally the day came where he was like, “Look, the human psyche is dual and the failure to recognize the timeshare will lead to mental illness. Human psychological wholeness is not to be found in our culture, so mental illness is the resulting plague.”

As knowledge has transformed into understanding, it has become clear to me that I’m not the only one psychologically inhabiting this body. That’s a crazy statement but I have experienced this phenomenon, sat with it, repeated the experience, and have now come to not only accept it, but embrace it, and no longer run from this timeshare.

My recent experience with the plant medicine Huachuma put the question of who I am front and centre. For two weeks, I drank psyche-splitting medicine every other day and sat with a multi-faceted projection of self. The psychic manifestations of self were multitudinous and extended into my known sphere of influence. Truly, I am the polished jewel at the fount of this mental construct that creates this world and emanates different playmates into the construct, so I have others to share in this adventure. I knew I was mentally strong enough to handle this mind fuck and not go mad. Sanity remained within my grasp though I saw how easy it was to fall off the edge of the cliff. It's what I wanted and so gifted with the experience, I did my best to navigate the tumultuous seas and explore the deep recesses of my mind. The other consisted of many iterations of self; in fact, it was infinite, and they all were vying for control of the construct of self. I am truly the King and am in charge. Am I the legitimate ruler of self? I do feel like the driver and not threatened, but I do sense I am two. I sense the two claimants to the throne of self. Me and my shadow.

I had been familiar with the disturbance that stretches back far into my life prior to using psychedelics. I was aware of this cyclical force that would always return. Culture allowed me to project and classify the disturbance as being pathology and religion allowed me to relegate the force to the demonic. I certainly at times felt possessed. Alternatively, the other can play the cultural part of God or Jesus; you know, that voice that speaks to you or the manifestation of the divine who is so real but appears only to you. You worship your shadow and congregate with others who are doing the same. Ha! Such a magician! My situation came to a head when I ventured into the Amazon jungle and drank this powerful psychedelic brew called Ayahuasca. I came face to face with this demon. I had an inkling it was my shadow self, but I wasn’t exactly sure. At any rate, he scared the fuck out of me, and I ran. I just had to run; I was that frightened. I later saw Jesus in the jungle town. My shadow had come to help me out of my crisis using the Christ gambit. I see it all so clearly now. Such a great performance, yet I didn’t fall for it. This perceived demon followed me home, continued to harass me, and I tried to shake him off. Eventually, I went into full lockdown mode and demonstrated I had the ability to transform myself from weak to strong. In time, I released myself from my self-inflicted austerity and began the process of re-integrating the self. I’d like to say I was aware of what I was doing and had a plan, but I didn’t. I just did what I had to do to maintain a grip on what I thought was reality.

If nothing else, I earned respect. Respect from my shadow. I did the impossible. When I put all the pieces of the puzzle together and realized it was because of my shadow that I transformed my character from weak to strong, from beta to alpha, and into a warrior, the relationship changed. I completely knew what he had done for me with his unordinary teaching methods that forced me to transform or perish. Alternatively, I could have figured out a way to continue to suppress him as I had for most of my life. I’m sure I would have found something because I am resourceful. I chose to transform and here I am.

Yes, here I am. Transformed and realizing that I can no longer take all the glory and never let go of the wheel. That’s awful trusting, isn’t it? If I give my shadow the keys to the car, will he ever give them back? Let it go and relax. He did something for me I could never possibly repay. My life is a partnership from here on in. The new journey is just beginning because I have a good idea what my shadow is capable of and I’m just coming along for the ride. This power is off-limits to most but for those who discover it the temptation is too great. Without reconciling first with your shadow, you’ll be offered power and you’ll take him up on the offer. The end result is it will either destroy you or you’ll become all that you tried to bury. Your other half will end up destroying your greedy self.

This sounds like a flight of fancy and delusion. I’m telling you within all of us is a master magician who holds the key to all you desire. The power is all there ready for you to sell your soul in order to get your hands on it.

I like it when I stumble upon answers to questions that have vexed humanity for aeons. There’s an old saying about power and how it corrupts, and complete power corrupts completely. It’s an accurate predictor of giving someone power and therefore the most enlightened governmental systems put checks and balances upon the power a politician can wield. Within human history, the ugliness of power has reared its head in the actions of those who rule over others, whether that be political, religious, or the economic oppression enacted by mercantilists in it for gain. We had slavery and serfdom which has now been replaced by rapacious capitalism that exploits third world emerging markets for cheap labour while stealing their resources. Without a check on power, the world order will return to an enlightened form of serfdom where the vast majority will own nothing and be happy; happy as in numbed. Most will never own anything of substantial value as it will be beyond their price range and thus, we will transition into a rental economy. For the most part, the direction I see the world headed is one where if you do participate in the culture and are a good and obedient wage slave you will be socially taken care of. Revolutions are to be avoided at all costs by those in power. They have learned the lessons of history well. Power and control are the ultimate motivators for humans and there is no lack of examples of how the acquisition of power will play out.

So, I have been cautious about the power aspect in my exploration of consciousness. Teachers have hinted about the acquisition of power via this method of probing the fringes of the psychic human experience. At first, I didn’t know what they were talking about, even though I had a run in with a shady entity in my initial explorations who did offer me a lot of power. I declined because my focus was on the Great Goddess. After about seven years of walking this path, repeating lessons, and moving on in my journey, I started to put together all I had experienced, and I clearly saw into the darkness. I saw power, gobs of it; I walked down that mysterious path and it was unveiled. I broke free of the chains of culture and the bonds of my fellow man and came face to face with the great magician and that magician was me.

It’s pretty tempting to try it out once you get this far and see it. My journey into my darkness was ultimately one to find reconciliation and I wasn’t after power. I left power alone and wanted to understand just who this is; once again, discarding what culture was telling me. Culture was telling me to stay away. Culture told me this was animal nature. Culture told me this was evil. Culture told me this was the Devil. Culture did everything it could to scare me away. Religious and spiritual paths told me to head for the light; shine a light on the darkness and subdue it. Where’s the balance in this advice? I don’t want the path of righteousness and faux enlightenment. I want to rediscover the mystery that has been long lost and buried.

I learned that explorers of consciousness that get to the gates of hell do one of two things: either they turn back and take pains to avoid this region, or they succumb to temptation and sell their soul for power. In terms of the potential psychological result from discovering this realm, if you keep exploring let me explain. You think you’re it and that this incarnation is all yours. The body is your vehicle and you’re the sole owner. It’s not true. Essentially, what you have buried is your other half whom we call the shadow because he has been forgotten. You selfishly took this incarnation for your own and commenced the struggle of life. When you re-discover who you have buried, you give him the keys to the car in exchange for fulfilling all your desires. It’s transactional but he is going to crash your car.

Maybe I’m a good student? I paid attention in class, and I now know of this power. He’s my best friend and I’ve reconciled. We share this incarnation and I ask nothing of or from him; instead, just recognize he has as much title to this body as I do. He knows my deepest and darkest secrets and well a lot of them overlap. In addition, I can navigate the vagaries of culture while he makes stuff happen. He has demonstrated this to me time and time again; first, starting with little coincidences and synchronicities to the point where the game is now pretty interesting. I’m street smart and I’ll never ask for any boon unless there’s an agreed upon reciprocal arrangement beneficial for both parties. I don’t want control; I want freedom. I see in getting what I want will just bring more attachment and thus my liberation is compromised. I definitely don’t want that. With him an equal partner, I remain strong while riding the rollercoaster of life. I will get my share of the thrills and take the spills with humility, knowing that life is to be filled with triumphs and defeats. What keeps me going is knowing this is what I want. In my quiet moments, I will commune with myself, the darkness and the light. We will have a group hug, a big laugh, and tears of joy. We will walk hand in hand, knowing of our unbreakable brotherhood.