service as the way forward

Without the pandemic, I would have gone on collecting experience and attempting a reconciliation during ceremony with the darkness within. Who knows where this would have led? I can speculate after frustration it would have led me towards the much-maligned visionary plant that is called toé in the Amazon. I am familiar with this sacred plant from my first foray into the world of plant medicines which has progressed from being scared of the plant to becoming curious due to understanding where the magic leads. The spirit of toé is prevalent the world over and maintains a connection within the roots of all the interconnected species. I say that experientially; when I returned home from the Amazon the first time, I was running scared and I remember walking past a bush of brugmansias in the dead of night and hearing this whistling in my direction. I know it sounds insane but it happened! Toé is an accelerant into the deep darkness and madness of self; ultimately leading towards a reconciliation with the god within. I reconciled with my darkness within through intensive integration forced upon me by this pandemic, helped by Mapacho tobacco; tobacco being the grandfather of the nightshade plants. The intended path forward to fully understand my darkness with more plant medicine ceremonies was instead all revealed and reconciled simply through integration. I had all the answers and just needed to add them up to enact understanding. The pandemic forced these insights upon me and made me alter my plans and the route forward on this magnificent journey.

My journey and intentions coalesced into understanding and brought me to the next crossroad. I have all the answers I seek and I am forever grateful. I did not see a path forward with the main plants I had been in communion with as they had taught me all I need to know. I feel a responsibility to close my relationship with them for now but I know I have to take my leave. At the same time, I was given the answer to the darkness within and I realized my path forward because it was through tobacco I was able to integrate all my lessons. It was because of tobacco that I received strength, protection, power, and the ability to calm the mind and add up all my experiences. Staring me in the face was my destiny; a destiny revealed in 2016 during a Vilca ceremony. I am to heal through the use of tobacco.

How utterly preposterous! No wonder the plants teach you to break free from culture. The first stop is liberation and it is gained by dropping the stories of self and telling the truth. Without these twin pillars of experience, you are destined to remain a puppet of your tribe. You must set yourself free with the tools given to you. Once free, what was once preposterous becomes truth. Tobacco is a magical plant. Tobacco is a dangerous plant. Tobacco demands respect. Tobacco is humanity’s greatest ally.

My nightly ritual involves giving thanks. I embarked upon this spiritual journey of awakening fourteen years ago and everything I asked for I have received while all the time reminding myself to continuously give back and honour the grace I have received.

I don’t think I’m alone in being impatient. What I mean is when I have asked for boons from the plants there is a part of me that thinks the reward should be immediate. In the ensuing weeks the disappointment sets in. I asked for the secrets of the universe to be revealed to me. Why didn’t Mother Ayahuasca come within ceremony and show me how it all works? Isn’t this what is supposed to happen? I asked her to show me and expected results that night.

I haven’t been greedy and maybe I should have asked for more; I mean it’s all available so I could have. The Goddess told me when I first directly met her in an Ayahuasca ceremony that I could ask her anything and she’d give me the answer. I kept my asks from the plants pretty light. I wanted to understand how the universe works. I wanted to know my destiny. And from a curious standpoint, I wanted to decode the Book of Revelation as it was something that fascinated me in my teens. I’m at the point now where I have received all the answers and was guided by the plants along my path of awakening. You have to put in the work and the work is rewarded. My own personal hero’s journey was a necessity if I wished to understand how the universe works and my destiny. In conjunction with self-knowledge is dropping the narrative you tell about yourself and live in truth. It all intrinsically ties together and without self-knowledge you cannot fathom the understanding of the nature of the universe. In other words, all unfolded as it should and the answers I sought were revealed in time.

This blog space is a testament to what I have received from the plants and the eternal spirits I have encountered. Everything I have asked for has been delivered to my door. I have in turn kept my end of the bargain. The promises I made in reciprocity I have fulfilled or am in the process of fulfilling. I made a promise to be of service to the great Mother and to be of service to the plants. The call is strong within and the fulfillment is coming. I couldn’t sidestep this calling even if I wanted to. The strong current of the river of life pulls me along towards my destiny.

My journey of self-knowledge has been fulfilled. I know it will continue on and I’ll never know everything until I return to the vibration of omnipotence however I see now what happens to one who embarks upon an intimate relationship with the plants. There’s an upcoming fork in the road and ultimately the choice is to give the plants up while appreciating and integrating their lessons into your daily life or to be unconditionally of service to them. Alternatively, you could stall out, turn back, and continue unconsciously with them, perhaps being enchanted with ceremony or wowed with fireworks, in essence, taking a conscious path and turning it into the time-honoured path of trivial visionary thrills. Anyway, I have learned so much through this pandemic that has forced me into integrating and reconciling all my plant medicine experiences that I could take these lessons and live a fulfilling life, leading by being a shining example for someone who has levelled up their consciousness. To continue on the plant medicine path is to become of service. I don’t see any other way once you reach this crossroad.

I don’t have the option to choose my path. The calling is loud to continue along the path of service. It’s the only way I see forward and this path obviously involves tobacco as what was revealed to me in a Vilca ceremony five years ago. So much has been subsequently revealed to me about the healing properties of tobacco and the fire burns within to learn all I can and bring the symbiosis back to humanity to reduce suffering. I know by way of past experience whatever I take up in earnest I am successful at and will eventually excel at and master. It’s my calling and I will honour the call.

In early 2020 in the northern highlands of Peru, I participated in a Huachuma ceremony that honoured Mother Earth, Pachamama. The ceremony was one of the finest experiences of my life. So moving and I felt her warm embrace and renewed my pledge to be of service to her. My way forward is to be of service to the Great Goddess. It’s my act of reconciliation and why I dreamt this world into existence, realized it through the form created by the feminine, and how I will ultimately demonstrate my love for her. I discovered my soul mate and Mother Earth she is. Through tobacco I will leave behind the morass of selfishness, be of service, and I will lessen the suffering in the world. That is the way forward. I’m not going to completely heal the world but I will make an impact through service and example and hopefully inspire others to do the same. Love is the lesson. Love is why I’m here. 

end game

I was tasked with studying the knowledge bequeathed to me by plant teachers about vibration and the different frequencies we can tune into. We default to the current frequency that is dominant in the world today which is very masculine. It’s the paradigm of logic and reason that has as its flip side intolerance and individuality that is fed by fear. The result is a scarcity mindset that compels us to accumulate possessions for the self instead of being mindful of the planet and all that inhabit the earth. Indeed, I have learned over the course of a lifetime that you will find the extremes in all behaviour, if you look closely. Typically, you do not see it manifest in just one person but if you look at the result of what following this vibe does as a whole than it becomes clear. It’s now hard to ignore the environmental destruction foisted upon the planet due to this mindset of greed; projecting this out into the future of humanity does paint a pretty bleak future.

From this situation is realized the importance of consciousness and raising it. What this means is changing the default mode of the vibration we are stuck in and in conjunction with that goal, over the course of the last seven years I have come to realize that is what plant medicine work excels at. From my perspective, I didn’t see it for a while because once again I was just looking at myself and noticing how it was changing the way I live and want to live which was all well and good but when I looked at the world at large I saw there was no hope. Eventually, I came to realize that the work is to be done one person at a time and then is reached a tipping point where enough are tuned into a different frequency and from that base of consciousness will flower into the world its fruits. Instead of planetary destruction and greed, we will as a whole respect Pachamama and love all, lose the scarcity mindset, and take care of our sisters and brothers. Fundamentally, this inclusive mindset will allow us to see our undeniable connections, with a realization we are all in this together. When we come together, all that holds us back will fall by the wayside.

I have my own thoughts about existence, what all this is about, and it’s not something I intend to argue about, require others to believe, or want to foist upon them. To sum up my beliefs: This universe is the dream of a totally integrated and whole conscious being who is the union of the feminine and masculine. We are living in the psychic manifestation of the wholeness splintering into many forms in order to self reflect upon all that makes itself tick. A psychotherapist knows they cannot examine themself; so, what we have here is the scientific reduction of the great self into all its constituent parts, thrown in with a dose of amnesia in order to study the division. Some of these forms will wake up within the dream; however, that is all part of the study. What is gleaned out of the experiment is no matter what situation consciousness finds itself in, eventually the energy will awaken and find a path back home. Within each splinter of unity is the key to find the way back home to whom you really are; in other words, contained within you is the whole universe. When you wake up, even though you are just a splinter of that energy, it contains the potentiality of everything and you are that everything.

So, why I included this primer in this screed is I’m trying to figure out what the end game or purpose of all this is. Ultimately, it is a game and has no purpose but the flip side to that is the game is to study behaviour and how to go about changing it. There are no absolutes therefore the darkness within the world has an artificial bottom and can go either way as in becoming total deprivation or elevated consciousness. I think that is a clue in that the potential is always present; however, if consciousness is raised and we operate from a base modality of loving inclusiveness, the extremes can be mitigated. This is a lot different than what is preached in our religions where we have constructed the all-being as being the epitome of light and love; though that love is conditional and comes with some punishments, if not followed. But I digress. What I am trying to say is that there needs to be a recognition within consciousness of the darkness and its ability to be really dark. To put it another way, god can be the worst demon imaginable.

We are to raise the vibration of the energy instead of constantly lowering it. I think that is the game in a sense and the outcome is what we make of it. Does the dream end when we all find the love vibe or conversely does it end when we destroy ourselves? Is the free will of consciousness the experiment in that the outcome is unknown and so this simulation to see what the result of a freeing of consciousness with free will would entail? Would it lead to a world of shared joy or would it devolve eventually into a morass that would destroy itself? I think that’s what is playing out and the result is still up to us and how we want to play it out. Nothing is predetermined; instead, our world is a way to peer into the nature of self. Our potentiality, behaviours, and the need for improvement must have been known to the all dreamer. The eventual result is a huge insight into the nature of “god” and ultimately what needs to reconciled. It’s not like there is a time limit so if another simulation must be run, and there are probably many simulated universes on the go, than so be it.

It is an interesting theory I have posited here as I do fundamentally believe this is a stage play and we write the script as we go along. In combination with that sentiment, there is nothing we need to do in terms of salvation or to achieve eternal life. We all are shards of god playing out a part so that we can know self. However, I now tend to believe that there is a reason for all this in the same way a psychoanalyst can take a patient’s dream and learn much from the symbolism and behaviour present in the dream. In this case, the analyst and the patient are one in the same so the trick was to separate this out so no one is the wiser. Or, at least keep the charade going long enough so that when the inquisitor wakes up they don’t screw up the game too badly.

rise up embrace release

My brain is a fascinating machine. I feed it knowledge; it digests it over the course of a relatively short time into understanding and from this understanding grows wisdom. This process is repeatable and it has happened enough that I can internally quantify it, though to quantify it externally would be difficult other than recording my understanding of information I have fed into it.

The knowledge we generally feed into the brain comes from our everyday experiences. We live within a tightly held frequency that spills out in all dimensions so that we get hints of obfuscated forms of consciousness but we can’t grasp them for long. It leaves us with the nagging question of whether these other dimensions are ‘real’ or not. All is energy and the energy is in motion. What is energy? It is a vibration. The vibration is motion that we perceive. When we measure the motion we discern frequencies.

Everything is here and now. We are limited by perception. The frequency I lock to creates my world. We can go to heaven or hell now; there’s no need to wait until death. The energy of dead ancestors is here and now. That plane of consciousness is available if you seek for it.

I chose a seed body to incarnate my pattern of energy, in order to come forth in a plane of existence that would allow me to attain self knowledge over buried aspects of self I ignore. Within my current life I then develop further strategies to keep these traits hidden however they are more accessible than ever. We all get lost in the incarnation and forget not only our origin but also our impetus. The journey is always there waiting for us to re-engage, get back on the ship, and sail onwards towards understanding. I don’t think there is a destination or an end to it. I realized this the other day while walking my dog through the woods. There’s no destination or goal on this walk; instead it is the journey that’s the thing. That seemed so obvious. Experience is the teacher. I know I only conquered fear through experiencing full on fear and then taking it on in a struggle for survival. The walk is about exploring, becoming aware of your surroundings, and living in the moment. Aha! The destination is to be here now. Thanks Ram Dass! Eventually we turn around and head back. The natural cycle of the day turns to night. We rest and then rise up again.

I look back now on my ceremonies in the the Amazon jungle and the Andes mountains with Huachuma, that first and foremost acknowledge and celebrate Pachamama, with awe and reverence. The final ceremony this last trip moved me to tears as I understood how she created our universe out of love in order that we could play and understand. The wisdom of the opening of the Tao Te Ching expresses this sentiment,  "Heaven and earth begin in the unnamed: name’s the mother of the ten thousand things.” (Ursula K. LeGuin translation)

It’s always been the Goddess behind creation and it is our destiny to eventually destroy it. Along the way maybe we can show some respect while we head to the inevitable decline and destruction. We can embrace love while we fall from the grace of the great mother.

My pattern of energy animates the body and I take care of it allowing for this experience. Everything is like the breath; it rises and it falls. The body grows and then it decays. The growing is a time to explore the wondrous feats that can be accomplished and the power inherent in our condition. The decay is a time of introspection and insight where if you let go of the clinging to life on this plane of existence then you can step back and start to understand it. Stop being so uptight and blow it out.

The answer seems to be motion. We are deathly afraid of death however we love and are addicted to nouns. If we persist in objectifying then will come death and suffering. We love institutions that have staying power. The rock is what we ultimately look towards to express this ideal. We want to capture and live in a frozen moment and defeat the ravages of time however time is undefeated and claims all. What a predicament! If we change the way we think then we can win this game. Isn’t that cheating though? No and here’s why: If you look around it is easy to see nothing lasts. Everything is in a constant state of growth and decay; life and death. We can deny it all we want but it is self-evident. We can create languages that accentuate nouns as part of the sentence structure but it is still a way to fool ourselves into thinking there is a way to maintain this facade of the character and institutions we have created. Changing the way we think will extricate us from the trap that causes suffering, with the bonus of being able to joyously play the game of life and build the best damn character you can imagine.

By dying we defeat death. That’s a weird statement to make as we understand death as annihilation. If you embrace motion and understand that you rise and fall endlessly then you will get it. Motion is the impetus behind our transformation and this transformation goes on without end. Clinging to non-change will lead to a painful death. Letting go and trusting what is undeniable leads to grace and to living a life that sails on over both smooth and rough waters, marvelling at what comes next.

Surf the waves of time through being in motion with it.

So what is energy? It’s motion that is in motion. Try wrapping your head around that one. Try objectifying a verb. At slower speeds it looks like solid particles and at higher speeds it is a waveform pattern. Energy rises and falls. It’s string theory without the string. Ultimately I intuit that energy is unbridled love and all that has come forth for us in this universe is derivative of that love. Yes even the pain and the suffering. It’s all love because only through love can we face up to the truth of who we are and stop denying it. We are forced to acknowledge the hate and thus we can transform it. Love embraces all regardless of prejudice or behaviour.

Love is the beating of your heart. It rises and falls. The creation of the vibration leads you back to source. The heart is your umbilical cord that connects to the Goddess. It beats out your unique pattern, your signature called your soul, that binds you to the all. She creates. I destroy. We are harmonious. We are the constituents of motion. We are everything. We are nothing. She is the rising and I am the falling. 

fairy tales and magic

After a couple weeks in the jungle it was time to head up into the heavens in the Andes mountains located in the vicinity of north central Peru.

I was eager to continue my lessons with Huachuma as I had fallen in love with the medicine and wasn’t ready to let go. It’s curious how everything works out. Parker is fond of saying that when you let go of old paradigms things start happening for you instead of to you and this is exhibit A. When I started thinking about making this trip to Peru after don Howard had passed away, I wanted to make a pilgrimage to Chavín de Huántar as he had talked so much about it and based his shamanic practice and lineage upon their culture. I mentioned it to Parker and asked if he had time to make the journey out with me to which he eagerly accepted and actually had a contact out that way that don Howard highly recommended. Well things got a rolling from there and before I knew it we had secured not only a seasoned guide but a shamanic practitioner of the highest order! We eventually made plans to spend eight days in the mountains with four more ceremonies of Huachuma at hallowed and sacred sites. In the run up to the trip a friend of Parker’s confirmed he would join us and then while at SpiritQuest we added one more traveller to make it a foursome. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of travelling companions and once again it all just came together in my favour; like it was happening for me. Such good fortune and it’s not lost on me how much of a blessing the whole experience is and the pull to give back to that bank of ayni is strong.

Day 16, Friday February 28th

Our group made it to the town of Chavín early in the morning after a twelve hour overnight bus ride from Lima.

I slept sporadically however the excitement and anticipation of a plant medicine ceremony on the grounds of the fabled Chavín de Huántar at the temple of the jaguar was enough of an adrenaline kick to get me through the day. We met up with the maestro don Martín at 9:30am and he took us to his wonderful store in town which was full of his hand carved stone replicas of Chavín treasures. Then we headed off to the archaeological site of Chavín de Huántar.

The shaman led us down to the river bank where he set up his Mesa amongst the roar of the Mosna river.

The maestro had an impeccable ceremony, punctuated by an offering of coca leaves to Pachamama and then burying the leaves into her womb in the earth. The four of us in the group plus don Martín took turns drinking the filled to the brim cup of Huachuma.

The maestro's preparation of the brew is less reduced and refined than what I was used to via SpiritQuest. It was bright green in colour, there were some chunks of cactus within the cup, and the consistency is more in line with the kind of pulpy and slimy nature of the cactus you would expect. The taste was rather indifferent and probably the easiest of any plant medicines I have drank, though the cup that was filled to the brim was daunting by just looking at the task ahead. After drinking, we separated and went off to a spot along the roaring river.

I dipped my toes into the river, which was very cold, and then admired the scenery while contemplating the ancient connections to a great civilization and the sacredness that this place exuded. Huachumita came on gradually over the next hour and then I felt everything get very relaxed and dreamy while the sounds of nature became clearer. My ask for this round of medicine work was three fold: first I wanted to continue to explore the dream world and the nature of energy that powers creation. Second of all I wanted to continue the Huachuma teachings of heaven and hell as a continual reminder to stay in the heart space. Plus I wanted to continue to explore my passions and desires that seem to rise up whenever I explore my inner true self or ignore my dark side. The effects came on stronger when I closed my eyes so I went with that modality and entered into a dreamlike malaise. Huachumita started teaching me about the carnival and how our energy consciousness enters into lower forms of energy, such as the meat body, and we experience creation as such. We subconsciously glorify these concepts with our language such as the word carné in Spanish for meat and world cultural celebrations of Carnival such as in the Caribbean and Mardi Gras in New Orleans where unabashed hedonism and revelry are the order of the day. We as energetic beings enter into the created world and are in theory free to make of this opportunity what we will. I then explored the ability I have to take something I think about in this dreamlike state and then let the visionary take hold and expand upon this energy my consciousness has brought forth. It re-emphasized the idea we create our own reality both through how we choose to view our predicament and then by also enabling thoughts and events we wish to manifest. This also was in alignment to the teachings of heaven and hell where if I engage the mind and think negative thoughts, the medicine will take these mind creations and play them out to the extreme. The lesson is to be careful of what you do cultivate within the mind if you must be in that space. I then got up and walked around and felt a calming peacefulness within before we re-gathered around don Martín’s portable Mesa about two hours after we first drank. We were all offered more and all downed a second cup. This time the intensity hit quicker and amped everything up another notch. I walked around in the grass while the hot sun beat down upon my exposed skin as the familiar energy started quickly pulsing through me, signalling the approach of the god. The energy was very serpentine and I swayed to its rhythms that were enveloping me. I took notice of the agave plant and went over to feel the serrated edges of its leaves while admiring its unique appearance. It dawned on me that the serpentine nature of its leaves is related to the image I see when I feel the passion and lust of the medicine coursing through me. In the Amazon it always appeared both reptilian as well as plant like and I realized the agave plant here in the Andes mountains I had been foreshadowing. I then started seeing this plant everywhere as once again I explored the rising desires that are sexual in nature and are part of my true nature. This part of the medicine stayed with me the rest of the day and came on in intense waves of lustful energy. I started to fully realize the reason behind why this energy would sometimes amp up. It goes back to an exploration of divine feminine and masculine energy back in late 2017 and how the coming together of the two gives rise to the sum in the form of the coming forth of the god. This energy was the culmination of everything I’d learned and the magic was real. I sat with this for a while while also realizing the strength of the sun at this high altitude was both energizing me as well as cooking my skin during this day full of the sun’s loving rays. Don Martín then took us on a walk through the temple grounds where he had privileged access to all the spots normally unavailable to tourists. He guided us to special energy centres within the space while I continued to work with my pulsing energy.

Eventually the lesson of heaven and hell became present once again and I started wondering about human sacrifice at Chavín and I concocted a far fetched story in my mind putting myself in the role of a modern day sacrifice. I eventually moved past this mental hell but it was a good reminder to keep a leash on the wanderings of the mind. We visited the underground crypts and labyrinth where the stone idol called the Lanzon is situated.

The idea of this god is it depicts our divine nature in that the figure is an anthropomorphic amalgamation of the three shamanic worlds of lower, middle, and upper worlds represented by the serpent, jaguar, and eagle. Within the temple the god’s height encompasses over 16 feet and touches the subterranean, the earth, and protrudes out from the temple in order to touch the sky and reveal its function as an axis mundi. The left hand is lowered with the back of the hand visible while the right arm is raised and open palm is visible; all this representing a coming together and mediation of opposing forces. When you alter your consciousness and the god comes to you, then is seen these truths and the knowledge and identity of the central idol of Chavín is revealed. The uninitiated and casual observer is left perplexed at this strange figure. It is always interesting to acknowledge the deep psychological knowledge of ancient civilizations that we tend to dismiss as primitive when in fact they were representing our lower self, self, and higher self within the temple grounds and idol here at Chavín. Not only that but they combined it with the need to reconcile the feminine and masculine energies and all this they represented in the Andean cross called the chakana. I wonder why our intellectual disciplines of anthropology, archaeology, psychology, and comparative religion don’t synergize towards a greater understanding of the human condition but instead remain separate disciplines disconnected from these truths? The layout of the temple is practically screaming out these answers but instead it's treated as a curiosity of long ago while now hosting groups of ignorant selfie-stick tourists. You could feel the deep reverence don Martín has for the place and also within his soul you can see the sadness over what this place has become. We will never reclaim what was lost here. It will take a catastrophic event that would send our civilization back to the Stone Age where we start over. Access to the Lanzon was blocked by a glass door which in my reverence I banged into, not realizing it was there. I felt the power of the central idol and felt its snarling presence. As I stood there mesmerized I remembered to enter into the heart space and the snarl turned into a smile. Later don Martín got us full access and we all gathered around the Lanzon and felt its healing power envelop us, much like the Mesa at SpiritQuest. Don Martín managed to get us into other privileged places such as a crypt that was about four storeys underground where I experienced the deepest and quietest meditation of my life.

The intense energy continued to fluctuate through my body in waves and I gave up on having anymore thoughts and just examined the impact on my body. We went for dinner and feasted on seafood before calling it a night. Another lifetime in a day.

Day 18, Sunday March 1st

We drove almost two hours up into the mountains to Huascarán National Park and made our way to Laguna de Purhuay at an elevation of about 12,000 feet.

Our shaman knew the area like the back of his hand and led us on a path that culminated in entering through three small passageways into a circular enclosure that housed a pit filled with rocks.

The three circular enclosures represented the upper, middle, and lower worlds. The pit at one time was filled with water and the ceremony was to represent water, the Yacumama mesada. He set up his portable Mesa and then we splashed perfume upon ourselves before making an offering to Pachamama with coca leaves which we then buried under the rocks in the pit. We took turns drinking a full cup of Huachuma and I was the last to drink. The maestro immediately offered us more and he gave me three quarters of a cup as the second person to drink this time. I drank it all down but then came pretty close to vomiting it back up. I miraculously held it back and then just sat there trying to regain my composure. We were then sent off to explore for the next four and a half hours. I climbed up an incline on the path and sat down on a rock however soon afterwards I started to feel sick so I got up and paced around until eventually I puked up the whole brew. Though my stomach felt much better I was disappointed I’d be pretty much out of the medicine all day. I lay down on the rocks and had a pleasant time with my eyes closed just taking in the sounds. With my eyes open I could see the energy around me but that was as far as I got with the effects of the medicine. I got up and went for a long hike on the different paths which reminded me of going on hikes with my dog in the woods where I bring my Mapacho and make a connection with my higher self.

It’s almost like that was the lesson in that I knew from the last ceremony that I didn’t need to be in the medicine anymore to have teachings because if I go to a quiet place or do walking meditation I make the connection and do have profound revelations and insights. I have known this for a while and so the day was another way to practice this while I was away from the direct effects of the medicine. I was trailed on the hike by a pack of dogs that were loud so I still had my usual canine companions following me. 

I started going through my dark side traits and since I had reconciled with them in the final Ayahuasca ceremony, I was just once again going through them and bringing them into the light as it is a good exercise to not bury them any longer. I sat down under a shelter when it started to pour and just started laughing at myself again. It had taken me 52 years to finally reconcile with who I am and just accept it. I thought of a deck of cards and how there are 52 cards in the pack and felt this had a connection to where I am in my life and how I can spend the rest of my lifetime as a wild card just like the joker. I then thought of the comedian Bill Hicks and this disturbing routine he would do where he would become the lustful ‘goat boy.’ He had clearly reconciled with his dark side and wasn’t afraid to bring it out into the open in a comedic and baring his inner most thoughts kind of way. I felt respect and gratitude for him just because he said fuck it, this is who I am. This was all I needed from the day to feel content in this gorgeous location. We ate fruit and smoked Mapacho before heading back, stopping along the way for some trout soup.

Once again a talk with Parker helped me clarify what I have learned on this latest probing of my consciousness. I was telling him of my dark side and my discoveries of it being my true self while he reminded me that my higher self, my light side I bring out into the world, is just as big a part of me as my dark side. It allowed me to clearly see the harmony of self and how unique we are to embody these two halves that combine to make the self. I thought about the flimsiness of the character we play as ego and how that can be shattered in a blink of an eye, especially if the dark side leads us down a path of recklessness that becomes an albatross to maintaining a respectable identity. Funny thing this life is, where we need to put the brakes sometimes on our passions and desires. I thought of my first Ayahuasca ceremony this trip where I was racing past police cars, yellow lights, and then red lights in a seemingly out of control manner. It all started to make a great deal of sense.

Day 19, Monday March 2nd

Butterfly Lessons

Ever since discovering my hidden feminine half I've had a special affinity with the butterfly. The first time I remember it as an omen was my initial trip to SpiritQuest where after a difficult ceremony a butterfly appeared and then the following ceremony was an appearance of the Goddess in her tower which was a ceremony for the ages. When I went to SpiritQuest in March of 2019 the symbolism and appearance of the butterfly was off the charts representing the female sex organs. Once again during this round of my most recent Ayahuasca ceremonies, the butterfly appeared as I chased after the Goddess. During the second Huachuma mesada ceremony at SpiritQuest this year a flock of butterflies appeared as I found the key to heaven. Finally revealed at Chavín I got the lesson of proximity of energetic fields through the synchronization of two butterflies in flight.

There is a connection of the butterfly to the intense sexual energy I perceive with Huachuma. I have drank Huachuma enough now to be able to sit with this energy and figure out what potentiates it. For sure when you drink Huachuma you feel this energy but for me on some of my journeys this energy becomes next level and so intense. I have labelled it serpent power and the kundalini rising up within. Lately it has been taking over my body with this intense fluttering as well as when I close my eyes this intense sexual passion and energy appears as these hot and smouldering colours. Words don’t do this justice.

During the Huachuma ceremony at Chavín I was feeling this energy when I spotted two yellow butterflies flying around coming closer to each other and almost touching and then flying off. They would continually repeat this behaviour in my presence. It started to dawn on me that their proximity to one another was in essence a union of the two, a harmonic convergence, forming a connection that was probably similar to the feelings I get with plant medicines. I remembered my studies of ancient Egypt where the male gods depicted as frogs in the Ogdoad all needed the power of the Goddess as the serpent to be effective. It points to a metaphor of the polarity of a battery and the two poles of feminine and masculine to release the charge. Each power on its own is dormant until they come together.

So I had my answer and looked back on my Huachuma ceremonies where I have felt this power. In all these ceremonies is the setting and presence of strong feminine energy. The proximity of the goddess energy, like the example of the butterflies, is what charges the energy within me and sends me to the heights of energetic bliss.

Day 20, Tuesday March 3rd

We left Chavín early at 6am and made our way towards Huaraz, stopping after a three hour ride at a spot in the Cordillera Negra mountain range called Hatun Mache which is a Bosque de Rochas that translates as forest of rocks.

We were led to a natural cave by don Martín where he set up his Mesa and then blew into his conch shell which echoed off the natural amphitheater into the breathtaking views of the mountains.

I told the maestro I only wanted to drink one cup and then wait for a bit before drinking a second cup in order to limit the chances of vomiting it back up again. The shaman’s brew doesn’t taste awful, it is a little bit mucous like, and with an empty stomach the first cup set pretty well. I went for a walk and explored the rock forest before finding a place to settle. The scenery of the forest was fantastic and I lamented the fact I left my camera back at the cave. The first hour and a half with the medicine was peaceful and dreamy though I wasn’t feeling energetic. I returned to don Martín’s Mesa, drank another cup, and then grabbed my camera to photograph the rocks as we were given twenty minutes before we would move on. Little did I know don Martín was going to lead us on an epic adventure through the rock forest. The rocks were beyond belief and their grandeur was heightened by the effects of Huachumita taking hold.

We hiked quite a distance through this strange and magical place that was seemingly endless. We were so high up, close to 14,000 feet, that we could see the clouds roll in around us.

The maestro had us stop at this surreal place with towering cliffs and menacing rocks for two hours as the medicine’s effects ratcheted up.

I laid down on the rocks and just witnessed the energy grow with intensity until I started to hear a choir singing in the heavens around us and then a clap of thunder interrupted the performance. I thought of angels and dragons as the clouds finished rolling in which completely encased us in a fog. It was like a scene in some kind of enchanted fairy tale and I became the hero of the story, full of courage, who ventures into the heavens to find and slay the dragon. The dragon is full of pride and wants to be known as the strongest and smartest of all. I knew I could never defeat him by challenging him to a fight but I knew I could outsmart him which really pisses him off. He could take me out with one blast of his breath but he has honour and will engage in this battle of wits. I have known since I started drinking plant medicines that the quest I am on would come down to this: I’d seek out the dragon and then take him down. Here I was in the heavens realizing this was all really true. I couldn’t believe it because it is the stuff of fantasy even though my plant medicine journeys would continually reveal this quest to me. So here I was in the heart space and now fully believing in this fairy tale and it was happening, basically the culmination of this seven year journey. In an interesting and unexpected twist, Huachumita took metaphor and presented it as reality. The next ceremony at Heaven's Gate has become very intriguing to say the least. I sat on a rock, full of courage, and contemplated the completion of my hero’s journey as it was all coming together at this very moment. I felt the magic in the world and smiled at this dreamworld we live in. This all coincides with this book I have been researching and writing for the last several years which is reaching its conclusion as well and it is all about defeating the dragon. This life has become reality shrouded in fantasy.

The clouds had completely enveloped us by this time as we began the trek back to the entrance.

Without don Martín’s guidance I would have been lost forever in Medusa’s stone forest. In fact I’m not sure this place exists. I think it re-appears every morning at daybreak before disappearing once again in late afternoon. The drive back to Huaraz was full of the energy ebbing and flowing. My music was heavenly and seemed to be playing at a slower speed. The four of us went for dinner, we were all still so high and feeling the love, while the medicine stayed strong. We talked until 11pm and then feeling a reprieve in the energy, settled in for a good night’s sleep as the last page in the fairy tale turned over.

This was undoubtably the most strange and incredible journey I have had with Huachuma. The sum of my medicine journeys have prepared me well to face any adversity with an open heart and courage and to stay clear of engaging the mind. Just let it flow. I learned the lessons well and was the ultimate hero today in facing something so much more powerful than me and chiding the dragon by telling him I will outsmart him in the end. During past journeys with Huachuma I would have been reduced to a heightened sense of fear at what was all transpiring before me; now I know enough to stay in the heart centre and face whatever comes at me. The battle is won with courage and it is something don Howard would reference when he’d ask “Where do you think courage comes from?"

You can’t make this stuff up.

Day 22, Thursday March 5th

I have completed sixteen Huachuma ceremonies over the course of the last five years with the final one of this latest round of work a bit later this morning. I think I can speak with some sort of clarity on the effects of the medicine.

Number one is that it is not a hallucinogen. Visions are sporadic if you get them at all. Instead Huachuma is a clarigen that amplifies everything, whether that is realizing the beauty of nature, feelings, your open heart, your distrusting mind, sounds, and energy. The connection and harmonization between two energy polarities such as feminine and masculine is also laid bare if you take notice.

Along the same line, Huachuma is a potentiator of the energy in your body. Everything becomes more focused and clear and as you start to work with the medicine you pick up on this and discover what is happening in a way that makes it undeniable. Your consciousness is elevated to the point where you are seeing and feeling a different perspective of what you have always been perceiving and this allows you to see things in a new light.

If I am around something such as the beauty in nature or someone I am attracted to then the pull of the energy is undeniable. I have witnessed this enough to see that just being in the setting of and the energy being expressed leads to a harmonization of the two energy fields and this joining leads to an incredible feeling of pleasure throughout the body that could be thought of as a full body orgasm. It can come on as rising energy that makes you flutter and at first experience you can be taken aback by it however when it continually happens you take notice of why it is happening and then you can relax and enjoy its power.

Today marked the last ceremony of this epic trip and my proverbial cup is full. I had no asks for this ceremony and just wanted to be a conduit for the energy that flows through me, always amplified by the Huachuma medicine. We drove about three hours from Huaraz to Laguna de Llanganuco, otherwise known as Heaven’s Gate which is part of the Huascarán National Park located in the Cordillera Blanca mountain range. About half the drive was up the mountain on a bumpy dirt road that felt like a rickety wooden rollercoaster. The drive was more than worth it as we reached an elevation of 13,000 feet and were greeted by a crystal clear turquoise lagoon and soaring mountain tops.

We hiked along the water’s edge, past the tourist trails, and into a secluded area that was hidden by some brush that the shaman told us was don Howard’s favourite spot.

The maestro conducted another breathtaking and flawless ceremony and I downed a cup of the medicine with ease on my empty and fasting stomach.

The others in the group downed two cups but I didn’t want to take a chance of purging so don Martín gave me an hour before I would drink a second cup. During the first hour once again the senses became alert and sharpened. I surveyed the beautiful scenery and noticed clouds covering the snow capped Huascarán mountain peak.

I wondered if the dragon was veiled by the clouds and if I would see him when the clouds lifted? I spent some time taking pictures of my fellow travellers as the medicine gave me a peaceful and calm feeling. The hour passed by relatively quickly and I drank another full cup with relative ease. Within five minutes I was feeling the intense energy and coming of the god that envelops me while we all went our separate ways. At this point in our multi-ceremony journeys we all pretty much practice the STFU method and so for the next two hours we just all sat or stood alone with the medicine.

The energy load was strong and I felt like a conduit for all the energy in our world. Through belief and desire I realize I shaped my world through the choices made as the energy is then directed into whatever is chosen. I was reminded of my light and dark sides and how the energy vacillates between the two extremes, creating the self at the midway point of the crest and trough of the energetic wave. All is vibration, as the Goddess explained to me the first time I ever drank Ayahuasca. The knowledge download of the light and dark sides of me being a wave pattern was such a great revelation and should allow me to just reconcile with myself and live a more accepting and peaceful life, not wanting to bury parts of me I shun anymore because of culture and expectations. Without both polarities there is no life; instead everything would come to a standstill and without motion there is no life. To live a pure and holy life is to cease to manifest.

I also pondered those who chase an adrenaline rush where the energy we carry around is amplified by putting oneself in a situation where the adrenaline increases the energy load within. Huachuma for me is doing this and also transforming the energy into the power that is behind all of life that consists of the all encompassing love of the feminine source and the consciousness of the masculine source.

The intensity of the medicine increased and the next wave hit as a blast of sexual energy. I became quite fidgety and paced around as it kept growing stronger. I wondered how much of this my body could handle? Parker lent me his sunglasses so I could look directly at the sun which was so high and radiant in the sky and shining with a glorious intensity. By just staring at the sun the energy subsided and I felt a peaceful calm wash over me. I had laid down to stare at the sun as up to this point in today’s journey I had remained upright because the Huachuma settles better in my stomach while upright. Now it felt way more enjoyable to remain lying down even after I gave Parker his sunglasses back. The waves of intense energy returned as I rolled away from direct contact with the sun. At this point Kylie walked past me and grabbed my outstretched hand. The act of holding her hand allowed my energy to transfer to her and I felt a reprieve. It was a double edged sword though as the more I felt her touch the waves of energy intensified and this went on for a while.

The maestro had prepared another ceremony, this time with Pachamama, the great spirit of Mother Earth. He dug a hole in the ground and made offerings of coca followed by corn mixed with grains. We all had a turn to make an offering and I thanked the great Mother for all she had done for me, for this magical day I was currently in love with, and how she created this playground for her children, who are the manifestations of the feminine and masculine energies that pervade all of creation. She created the world in order that we may experience life in a conscious body and play games such as the one I am playing where I will slay the dragon while seeking to free my other half in some extended chase and teasing foreplay divine scenario. I had no more to ask of her as she has done so much for me and I affirmed I’d forever be in her service and need to step up my game in regards to calling out the destruction of this amazing planet we all share. We all took turns with our offerings and then we took the dirt in our hands and covered the offerings while giving thanks. It was one of the most beautiful ceremonies I’d ever had the privilege to be a part of.

After a fruit explosion in our mouths, we cuddled up against the cliff of the mountain and don Martín told us the story of the two great mountains of the lagoon as star-crossed lovers who express their eternal love as the two mountains who in their grandeur face each other for eternity.

We started the hike back to the passenger van with Kylie, Cain, and myself taking our sweet time keeping up with the rest of the group as we drank in as much of the experience as possible. Feeling elated, we kept stopping for pictures. Eventually we caught up to the group at a prime spot for taking pictures against the backdrop of the lagoon and Heaven’s Gate, so-called that because there was no way to determine when the earth merged into heaven. The reminder of don Howard became clear when he said, “you don’t find heaven, you realize it.” A big assist goes out to Huachumita for giving me the key to heaven. As the moon made an appearance the backdrop became all the more surreal.

We became local celebrities as some of the Peruvian tourists wanted to take their picture with us gringos dressed in ponchos. It was quite hilarious.

The bus ride back to Huaraz was so memorable while our hearts were wide open. It rekindled in me what it was like to make connections with people and share a moment of really enjoying their presence. I had long forgotten these feelings and to experience all this once again was a gift beyond measure and I’m so grateful for the opportunity. It was ultimately a lesson in learning that love comes not from an external source but has been in your heart all along. Instead of looking for it, express it. I was energetically wide open with gratitude for my heart, Pachamama, Huachumita, the shaman, and my hermanos and hermana. It was another gift from another lifetime in a day that just keeps on giving.

We went for dinner with the maestro on this last night with him with the energy still present and returning in waves. I eagerly ate my first meal of the day and we ended staying up talking and laughing until 1:30am before calling it a night.

This whole three week adventure has been a gift beyond any conceivable expectation and has allowed me to just accept myself for who I am and learn to stay high and in bliss is the path of the heart while realizing that to engage the mind more than necessary will lead to a hellish existence.

Day 24, Saturday March 7

We are back in Lima and being in a big and bustling city has brought me back to reality. I've had some pangs of home sickness throughout these three weeks I have been away but now it is full on and the prospect of being in Lima any longer than I need to seems to be unwelcome. I’m scheduled to leave early Monday morning but I think I will try to change it to early Sunday morning. It will be good to get back Sunday as it is my dog Luna’s birthday. She probably thinks I’m dead.

I have a lot to unpack mentally from this trip and integrate. Every thing I asked for I believe I have received an answer and now I just have to connect all the information and synthesize all I have learned. One big take away is to stop pretending or striving to be someone you are not. I was shown I have a dark and light side and that is what energizes and enlivens my self. To deny one is to affect and nullify the other. Also I was shown that in order to stay high and in a state of bliss then you need to live in the heart and limit engagement of the mind. I asked for this lesson repeatedly from Huachuma and I was given it which allowed me to fully understand it. I went from experiencing the constant cycling between a state of being in heaven to a trip to hell enough times to really grasp that it is all about choice and how you wish to live and perceive your surroundings. It was a lesson that had to be experienced over and over throughout many years and ceremonies in order to finally get it to sink in which it did fully and completely after don Martín’s mesada at Chavín. I knew after that one I didn’t have to play that game anymore. One constant for me concerning plant medicines is how they amplify everything and that’s how you learn from them. Huachuma’s potentiation of energy just takes every feeling and super-charges them so you can extrapolate their subtle effects you don’t normally realize and see how they actually do affect you and those around you on a grand scale. My energetic aura must shine on a subtle scale that when I drink Huachuma just elevates it into an energetic tour de force. It is really quite incredible to experience how intense the energy is within, how it emanates, and how I can share it with others. When I find another being I can then harmonize my energy with then the connection is magical and a power radiates from that connection that puts you in a state of such sharing and pleasure it is heavenly. I need to ponder if that is what life is all about on all levels? Is it finding a connection with another energy form that electrifies and lights you up? Now that I have found it and experienced it enough I wonder if the energy fields I resonate with are limited or if there are plenty of fields out there you can share the experience with? There’s always more so the journey is far from over and there’s is more to explore. From a personal standpoint I wish to go way deeper into Huachuma. I can’t honestly say I want to continue with Ayahuasca at this point but I do realize there is a synergy with Huachuma when done first to heal and purify so I will respect that modality and synergy between the two plant medicines.

There are also a couple take aways from working with the medicines this time around. One is to be not only a shining example of their ability to transform you into a fully integrated human being but also to be a grounded ambassador to the plants and be more vocal about the benefits and profound discoveries that are available and can be gleaned from working with them. In addition I made a promise to Pachamama to be a champion in terms of environmental concerns. The earth is our home, our sustenance, and our playground which allows her children, the divine female and masculine, that have come forth to experience her bounty in a physical form. We are ignorant and dismissive of her unconditional love and destroying her gift. We as a species are cognizant of this but we need to sense the urgency and enact change. This can be accomplished through awareness and ceremony along with the teachings of plant medicines.

I used to conclude my plant medicine journey recaps with some kind of declaration that I will probably be moving on from that modality of exploring my consciousness. I have stopped doing that as first of all if hasn’t been the case but also because I’d be foolish to stop. I’ve come this far and feel currently that the working relationship I have with them is next level and that is the exciting part I wish to keep exploring. In terms of Huachuma this trip the gate was wide open, I went in and found not only answers I was seeking but the magic available when we break out of mundane consciousness and raise our vibration. I’m ready to go headlong into this exploration. 

remembering play

I am returning to my SpiritQuest home in the jungle to drink Ayahuasca in order to traverse the Shamanic planes once again like she has taught me. By altering my consciousness, in essence my vibration, I will sit in communion with my spirit guides and the Great Goddess.

Recounting my latest journey with plant medicines without an explanation of past discoveries and a tie in with my metaphysical understanding of life would strike the reader as very peculiar. Taken out of context the tale I will tell is frankly preposterous.

Why am I doing this? I was always going to return but I figured it would be a while. In November I stood at my Mesa and this feeling of divine union with the Goddess washed over me and I understood that our combination is everything and together we constitute 'god'. Not only that, but the child of our union is our expression and it is the renewer, the ever coming and indestructible life. I completely understood the symbolic visions I had with the Goddess in regards to Ayahuasca and Huachuma which involved a longing to be together, rescuing the princess, slaying the dragon, a crazy erotic vibe, union, and the serpent and the jaguar. I had a dream afterwards in December which involved sitting in an Ayahuasca ceremony and a bird hovering over me which was repeatedly flying into my head. The symbolism is that I will be drinking Ayahuasca again, the bird and the purple symbolism represents the Goddess, and the knocks on the head are indicative of SpiritQuest as I call this place "don Howard's school of hard knocks."

So I call this return the consummation. It's the coming together of the sacred feminine and sacred masculine energies. A completeness so awesome in its perfection. I am ready. Six years ago when I took the plunge I wasn't ready when she asked me to come away with her. I had much to learn and discover. I have done the work and I now know. I am ready to experience my destiny. Then 'we' become the teacher of humanity. We tear down the constricting beliefs of old and usher in a new age of inclusiveness and Love.

The Goddess. Who is she? The sacred feminine discovered within. This Goddess common to all. Coming forth into this world of appearances as a man allows that an alteration of consciousness with the sacred medicine Ayahuasca will allow me to contact the sacred feminine, in essence my obfuscated other half. There is a commonality with all seekers because of the shared traits that come forth when each of us gains access. Wisdom, love, eroticism, chaos, caring, and guidance. If I drank a masculine plant medicine such as Huachuma then for me as a man I would access my higher self in one of its many iterations, literally having a conversation with a wiser version of myself.

Furthermore, the alchemical transformation of the aspirant involves taking the base materials of man and woman, and refining them. This is the process in agriculture of cultivation or in metallurgy the compounding of alloys into a new material. This process within us is the sacred marriage, called the Hieros Gamos, which creates an inner transformation demonstrated by the union of the sacred feminine and masculine. The spiritual joining together with your soul mate forges the hermaphrodite, who is the end result of this process. The spiritual cultivation of the human being is the template for creating the divine from the human. The spiritual union of the inner divine feminine and masculine gives birth to the god. 

In late 2017 when I ended up in the mountains I was gifted this message "Remember to Play" scrawled on a dirty and worn mattress left out on the equator in the Andes mountains which served as a rest point for seekers of higher knowledge. I'm a knowledge junkie and I tend to seek and seek, much to my detriment, always needing to be reminded to play.

The first two Ayahuasca ceremonies were play. Erotic play. Two lovers enjoying the chase, and she's smart enough not to be caught because then she knows the flame will eventually start to die out and the long separation will begin once again.

The third ceremony had no purpose and in retrospect it was a huge lesson. I of course knew nothing at the time except for frustration and wondering if I should continue on the plant medicine path. Why do you need a purpose? Isn't life the purpose? Love life.

The fourth ceremony was reminding me who I am. I'm indestructible, feared, and will take on all. Call me jaguar! Outside the maloca was heard the roar of this jungle cat for most of the ceremony. Talk about something sublime, a catalyst to continue on this path, and an incredible affirmation of this journey. Walk this path and become the jaguar. He's waiting for you. The message will not resonate with all and where they are on their respective journeys but rest assured destiny as the jaguar awaits the woman or man of courage willing to go forth into the alchemical fire which is calling to them.

Well, let’s get to it. Here’s my journal entries for my most recent exploration of mind, body, and soul transacted through the heart.

Day 1, Thursday March 7

It’s been a year and four months since I returned from my latest adventure which encompassed my 50th birthday when I went to Cusco, Lima, the Amazon, and the Andes of Ecuador. I had said to my friend Parker in the jungles of Peru after we did the concluding Vilca ceremony of 2017 that “I am going to miss Peru.” I sort of meant it; I mean I had finished the chapter and I was going to go up the mountain in Ecuador and finish the spiritual climb which had been beckoning to me. I’ve said it before and I always go back so I knew someday I’d return however I expected it to be a couple years, and up until a few months ago that was the plan.

When Ayahuasca comes a calling then you listen. I had that dream in December where I was in an Ayahuasca ceremony and there was swirling purple energy over top of me as well as a bird which would dart down and repeatedly bonk me in the head. Over the course of the next few days, I figured out the dream. The purple energy is a representation of the Great Goddess and the bird knocking me in the head represents SpiritQuest as I have dubbed it “The school of hard knocks.” Pretty clever was the message sent to me however the problem confronting me was that the maestro don Howard is very ill and SpiritQuest was temporarily on hiatus. Not too long afterwards, I got the word in late December that Parker was going to facilitate the re-opening of SpiritQuest with the continuation of the Ayahuasca ceremonies starting in February. I had some time to take off of work before the end of March and so the wheels started turning. It wasn’t long before I made the decision to go back as it all cosmically just added up.

So, here I am on a plane flying to Lima. I’m a veteran now of these journeys, trip #5, so I know how much flights should cost and what to avoid - avoiding the United States in transit is priority number one so I booked early enough to get an Air Canada flight direct from Montreal to Lima and then the return is Lima to Toronto, all for a good price. I’ll spend a full day in Lima at the head of the journey, do some sightseeing, and then off to the Amazon jungle on the Saturday. I’ll be swinging in a hammock by Saturday afternoon and then enjoying the smoke of my friend and ally Mapacho soon afterwards.

The dream I had was the culmination of putting everything together last November. I stood at the head of my Mesa and the feeling of oneness, of a divine union within washed over me. The serpent and the jaguar, the erotic ceremonies, and the sacred marriage ceremony all added up. I realized why the first time I ever drank Ayahuasca the Goddess said to me to come away with her. I balked at the time but I finally realized why. I am the jaguar, the sacred masculine and she the serpent, the sacred feminine. Our union creates the divine child, ‘god’ if you will. It was a feeling like none other.

I owe so much to don Howard and SpiritQuest. It’s because of him and the ritual and symbolism experienced at SpiritQuest that I clearly saw these truths. There are so many spiritual paths leading you away from this realization and due to my independent streak I never joined or embraced any of them, instead I chartered my own course and found the answer. I avoided the chorus saying “you can’t do this alone.” “You need a guru.” don Howard is my teacher. He shows me where to look and that’s all I needed. Looking back on my journey, I had the answers in the summer of 2016 but I just needed another two plus years to put it all together. And then in one magical moment I stood at the head of my Mesa and looked at the serpent jaguar tapestry and this incredible feeling of Unity washed over me and I said “My god, that’s me!” She’s as much a part of me as I am me. She’s been that wisdom, the smarts, and epiphanies which have always been with me.

Day 3, Saturday March 9

I arrived in the humid jungle today and it was great to see Parker and see he is doing so well. There’s a group of five guys including myself that will be drinking Ayahuasca this week. It will be a much more intimate group and setting then I’m used to this time around. They are all new to Ayahuasca so along with Parker I was able to share some of my experiences and hopefully allow for some of the anxiety to dissipate.

I haven’t felt any anxiety myself as of yet though I fully expect to as the first ceremony gets closer. I guess there is a bit of confidence in why I am here again and in part it is because I was called back. I got the message and came back.

I had a really interesting dream Friday night where I was locked in a passionate embrace with my Goddess and the kissing was electric. Could it be a preview of what is to come? After that, I was awake and experienced a collage of images in a vision changing shapes which felt like an altered consciousness experience.

Day 4, Sunday March 10

It is just a few hours away from the first Ayahuasca ceremony. We had a Mapacho ceremony late morning/early afternoon which helped get everyone into the meditative state. Mapacho can be very calming and I had felt no anxiety until up to the point we went through the ceremony protocol and set up our space in the maloca. I came back to my room and read the reminder which I leave tacked up on the wall which says Love, Trust, and Surrender as well as telling me to Still The Mind and imploring me to Get Out of My Head. I then went and read for an hour as the sun went down and I had an important lesson on the way back to my room. I had my phone fall out of my pocket into the hammock and I’d forgotten that I had brought it with me. I got back to my room and couldn’t find my phone which set off a mini panic and then my unhinged mind started doing its thing. I calmed down and then retraced my steps, went back to the hammock, and my phone was in the folds of the fabric of the hammock. This was a pertinent and timely reminder about the mind, a most needed lesson, and one that is always needed especially when beginning a cycle of work with plant medicines. Almost like Mother Ayahuasca did not want to have to remind me in ceremony to still the mind so she gave me a preview and said “see you have to not engage the mind!”

I’m here at SpiritQuest to participate in the union of the divine sacred feminine to the divine sacred masculine and the result will be the birth of the child god. The union of these forces within will reconstitute the unity of primal forces. It will be the culmination of this journey and a long and winding road of discovery to get this far for sure. It’s the re-birth of the divine child, ergo becoming a kid again. What we all once were until life, culture, and the hypnotic allure of the world took that away from us and what a ride it has been to retrieve this knowledge and rescue my princess all the while defeating my demons and the dragon.

With that in mind, I’m reminded of distilling and offering my intention for ceremony tonight. 

Mission Statement: Para el bien de todos (For the good of all.)

Offering: I will teach this method of fulfillment, divine discovery, and knowledge of self.

Intention: A sacred coupling with my Goddess.

Day 5, Monday March 11

I will be persistent and not be deterred. My intention is a sacred coupling within.

We met up in the maloca for the 9:30pm ceremony and first received a blessing from dona Eliana and then a protection arkana, replete with a Mapacho soplando, from the maestros don Rober and don Carlos. With only five people drinking that part of the ceremony concluded pretty quickly. I was the second to drink and it became my turn almost right away. I stated I am doing this for the good of all, offered my ability to teach this to others, and stated my intention of a sacred coupling. Before downing la medicina, I voiced “para el bien de todos!” The taste was probably the worst I ever remembered Ayahuasca being as I downed the brew in one gulp. Maybe it was because it had been a while. A few others the next day said it didn’t taste too bad to which I replied “wait until the end of the week.” I went back to my mattress and waited for the nausea to subside before lighting up a Mapacho.

The visions started up slowly this time. Before don Rober started singing his Icaros, I had a feeling of dread and some old Ayahuasca ceremony memories and themes that have vexed me in the past were drudged up. I always forget about these memories until I drink la medicina again and then I remember why I sometimes try to leave myself notes intra ceremony to not drink again. So these thoughts were reforming in my mind, telling me I’m a prisoner of the brew and inviting me to latch on to them.

The last time I drank Ayahuasca in the summer of 2016 I transformed into a jaguar and scared off all my enemies. Prior to that I had learned how to still the mind in this state and become an impenetrable blank slate. Following this in the fall of 2017 with Huachuma I had mapped out my personal experiences with plant medicines and how they come on and how to steer your ship through the tumult. In other words I have come a long way since the days of being a newbie! I proceeded to puff out my chest, became the jaguar, and roared. My mind went completely blank and I envisioned myself navigating a ship through rough waters, avoiding the rocks that will scuttle my vessel on either side of me. About half way through this turbulent sea I smiled as I knew the worst of it I had left behind. It was very empowering knowing my Ayahuasca sailing ability was master level.

I made it out of the storm and ended up on this racetrack, an autobahn of sorts, and cruised down an electric and colourful highway at breakneck speed with no sense of a destination. At the end of the course I found myself in front a mysterious and non defined construct. The patterns started undulating serpent like and I followed the movements with my neck and head, getting lost in the rhythms. I knew it was her; I didn’t need confirmation or to think about it as it was pretty obvious. She was playing the part of the mystery, teasing me with her undulating rhythms. I sometimes picture her as a prim and proper princess when really she is nothing of the sort. Daring, seductive, wild, and dangerous were the vibes being put out, in a way telling me I couldn’t handle her. Playing and teasing was the game so I played along, taunting her with games of my own like lovers do to each other telling her about "earth" girls which play that part really well too. It was nothing like a courtship, of reserved getting to know each other. There was this unspoken familiarity of two equal sides playing and conversing as if we have known each other for eternity. When I look back on my first ever Ayahuasca ceremony, where I knew she was the Great Goddess but was unaware of my relationship to her, up to now where I know we are two halves of a whole it’s pretty striking and we were playing a pretty delicious and seductive game. The give and take in terms of communication was an exchange of thoughts. I recognized the wise voice in my head as her. This knowledge was something that has always eluded my grasp, that she is my guide, the smart one. She would tell me something or challenge me and I’d respond with my typical masculine charm or some dumb ass remark. She’s the inspiration which comes to me, sometimes out of the blue, sometimes so profound that I re-read things I have written and swear there is no way I could have written them.

She’s the serpent to my jaguar. Two equal halves which create a sum greater than the parts. In essence, the all and this all has total freedom like a bird able to traverse the three shamanic planes of water, earth, and the heavens at will. My expectation is after this teasing and foreplay was that there would be a divine sacred coupling which would take us to bliss. Instead she started to go through my historical faults, my treatment of women in relationships, and then the side of me she doesn’t trust. I pleaded my case, my undying love for her and my pursuit of her. I told her I left my family, flew down here to be with her - isn’t that commitment? Drinking Ayahuasca is far from easy or a pleasant experience but here I am! She went through my relationships with women, especially my wife, and said look when you tire of them you just lock them away emotionally and forget about them. She said she should turn herself into a dog then at least I’d always be affectionate and love her. She was of course correct and then she said that’s what men have done with the Great Goddess for over two thousand years. She said she doesn’t want to be released from bondage and be given equal footing with men if the same result is a foregone conclusion. She’s not going to risk being locked away and forgotten about again. I offered up the eternal defence of it will be different this time. I suspect I have used that line before and she wasn’t falling for it. I said a contract won’t work as that will just set up future litigation. Ultimately, I know she is referring to actions and how they speak louder than words, and I need to prove or convince her this time it is actually forever. Unconditional Love, celebrating women and the Goddess, and honouring and pedestalizing her. I know we really need to honour the feminine in western culture, like go really overboard into bringing balance back into the world. If not we are going to destroy ourselves.

After the first icaro ended I knew there would be no visionary sacred coupling tonight and that she had gone away for the night. I sat with it and my feelings for a while afterwards and I thought well there’s three more ceremonies to convince her. I had some more periphery visions and then eventually the nausea came on and I purged.

The ceremony left me with lots to ponder.

Day 7, Wednesday March 13

If nothing else I am persistent!

The brew was noticeably stronger for the second ceremony and I felt it envelop me in a more substantial manner than the first night. The taste was pretty foul once again, markedly worse. I could feel the intoxication in my limbs and after ten minutes with my eyes open I could pick out patterns of energy which were familiar to me from previous ceremonies. Another clue tonight to the strength of Ayahuasca was that I started getting visions even prior to don Rober starting to serenade us with his icaros. The whole experience was largely visionary and not much telepathic interaction with the Goddess. So, here is what I can faithfully remember because so many visions occurred over the space of the first four icaros that at the time I was thinking there is no way I’ll be able to journal all of these visions.

The first vision was all brown, like dirt, and it completely enveloped my visionary field. Then a slit in the dirt formed and the earth started to separate in the manner of the folds of skin like a vagina. It was clearly a vision of Mother Earth/Pachamama. When the tunnel into the earth completely opened up I dutifully entered into it and wound my way through the canal towards an unknown destination. I reached an area which was in darkness but periodically light would shine in. I’ve had this vision previously and in that vision I could never fully reconcile the dark with the light. This time I was able to move a megaton block above me to fully reveal the light. It felt like actual exertion and I felt a tiredness in my arms from moving the block. After this, a blue butterfly formed in my vision and the wings opened to reveal a vagina. It was a vagina with wings, sacred and not erotic, and this led to the next vision which was a vibe that was very showgirl, and a big stage performance was going on. There was a giant umbrella centre stage being held up by a giant golden pole. Serpents were entwined on this pole and slithered to the ground and I looked up and my lady was gyrating seductively at the top of the pole. She was wearing no clothes and her golden brown breasts glistened in the strobe lighting on this stage of this visionary strip bar. I watched as she continued to mesmerize on the cosmic stripper pole. The vision came to an end as the icaro finished.

The next icaro produced a vision of a staircase I ascended. It was a classic wooden varnished staircase but it also propelled me upwards like a supercharged escalator. Upon reaching the top I then went down, down, down on this wooden escalator, wondering what subterranean place or subconscious level it was taking me too. I reached the bottom and it was this white room full of play sized furniture. I saw the Goddess on a white couch and she changed into a fluffy white cat and then her face became a jungle cat. The Goddess began morphing between different creatures while lying reclined on the sofa. Finally she became a contorted white mannequin blending in with the white furniture with her body parts strangely out of place and her vulva pretty much front and centre. She asked me “Do you wanna fuck me now?” I was flummoxed and did not reply or move. Snakes slithered on the ground as I then found myself transported back in time to when my kids were little and I took them to the amusement park, waterslides, and the park near our house. I know as a parent you always worry whether you are doing enough for your children so I guess this visionary cut away just appeared to remind me I’m doing alright and that it is important to give opportunities for children to play. In my next vision there was an adult couple having sex and I got a close up of the action and then a head popped out of the woman’s vagina. The motif or lesson here was that the child born of this sexual union is desire. Eros and cupid in art are depicted as chubby babies because they are the child of the desire which brings the man and woman together. 

Eros

The child is in essence desire personified. We all begin as desire. From there the vision was once again in this playroom and my avatar in this vision had enough teasing so I chased the Goddess until I could jump her and we started making out with unbridled passion. At this point in don Rober’s icaro the beat got heavier, imitating the thrusting of the man into the woman called in slang “giving it to her.” However before the act was complete the shaman’s song ended and the vision as well. The Goddess did not return after this.

I had sporadic visions afterwards, nothing that seemed noteworthy. It took a while to purge and then finally I laid back and just listened to the icaros for the rest of the night.

Overall, the ceremony was a blast, it was so playful and I’m wondering if Ayahuasca should be like this? It’s supposed to be work or have healing properties. Instead, I have spent two ceremonies in pursuit of the Great Goddess, not that I think there is anything wrong with that. The other thing is I am very confident now in my ability to work with Ayahuasca, to navigate the initial storm, and to pursue my intention. I mean this is all part of my intention - the sacred coupling. I expect the brew to keep increasing in potency and for the back to back ceremonies to be challenging. If nothing else, it is confirming my view of this existence to be essentially a sexual metaphor driven by desire. I don’t have expectations for the upcoming ceremonies but I do sense a climatic finish!

Day 8, Thursday March 14

A couple things I want to write about this morning related to ceremony two. I have mentioned previously my ability acquired through experience and trial by fire of being able to navigate the Ayahuasca experience being totally aware now of the toxicity of the mind during the initial onset of the intoxication. In layman’s terms it will fuck you up if you don’t disengage your mental faculties. I mapped out the common structure of both the Ayahuasca and Huachuma intoxication last trip in November/December of 2017. I had drunk Huachuma in the Andes mountains on the equator in Ecuador and I went through the stages of both medicines. With Ayahuasca the onset is the precarious time as a mind unleashed will fight the experience and try to turn you against it. The primary reason for this is the use of Ayahuasca will eventually reveal to you the machinations of a programmed ego mind which is a puppet controlled by others and by culture at large. The capacity for the mind to spin an elaborate tale of deception is unparalleled in my opinion. If you let it, the mind will be so convincing, it can craft the most unbelievable of stories and presentation of reality which will have you utterly convinced of its validity. The goal is to knock you off the hero’s journey so you do not discover your true nature and get you to return to your life of cultural indoctrination and servitude. If you continue on the plant medicine path the narrative of the mind will continue and be waiting for you at every turn.

Ultimately, within are the answers you seek and the mind works in a way to get you to look towards the exterior for the answers which present themselves in culture and to constructs and institutions which ultimately require a belief in someone else's beliefs. There is a level of clarity acquired over time and experience which allows you to see these traps and I now see clearly how others fall for them and I want to say something but I know better. That approach never works as they have to see it for themselves; however, unfortunately most won’t see it but I think I can help by steering them towards other ideas and modalities of thought and experience.

So anyway, I liken the onset of the Ayahuasca experience akin to sailing a ship through rough waters with a rocky shore on either side threatening to scuttle your ship. Engaging the turbulent seas, trying to out maneuver the tempest is not going to work. Lao Tzu, the Chinese sage, in his masterpiece the "Tao Te Ching", essentially tells us to be water and go with the flow, just go with the current. The waters here are rough so just flow with it. The particular technique I use to follow the watercourse through the tempest I call the "Ten Mile Stare." It allows me to enter a profound state of primal awareness where my mind is shutdown, my thinking processes are on jail ordered lock down and I just observe. As I successfully navigate the experience I smile as I near the calm waters. Then the magic starts to happen. It’s trial by fire and a skill which is not developed overnight. Personally, it started out as a survival skill as this medicine repeatedly beat me up until I realized the problem was me and specifically this ingenious part of me which puts a spin on conscious awareness. The big obstacle is of course this mind has been a friend, albeit sometimes a shitty and judgmental friend, all your life so it is tough to kick him to the curb. He knows how to play the game as well, to speak the language, so there is a certain trust. Ultimately actions unmask the motivations and intentions. Clarity will allow for understanding.

I’d also like to further discuss this vision I have recognized from a couple ceremonies now where I travel through darkness to find hints of the light. The first time it happened I remember I couldn’t quite open up the sky completely so that all the light would shine in on the darkness. This last ceremony I was able to move the megaton block of stone with great effort which enabled the light to shine in on the darkness. During the remainder of this ceremony this idea stuck with me and I recognized my unique ability to bring the light into wherever I find darkness. It was a direct calling to be of service and help others who are lost in an insurmountable abyss of darkness. I can remove the obstacles preventing them from seeing the light.

Lastly, I’d like to touch on the idea of play. It stems somewhat from the vision of the playroom I had and the connection to keeping it light and Huachuma’s constant exhortation to me to remember to play. As a species we take everything so seriously. Something like the theatre is such a great reminder of the transience of it all and the ability to play different characters to create a different story. If you are unhappy with your lot in life, your storyline, then change character, make changes in your life which rewrites your story. You control the direction your novel is heading. We get locked into a storyline and take its outcome seriously. You can alter the trajectory at anytime. Have fun with it, throw off expectations of culture and others which limit your story to being the same as every other person.

Day 9, Friday March 15

La medicina was pretty strong last night and engulfed me completely. At the end of the ceremony I was still bodily very tipsy. The ceremony was the first of the back to back drinking, so it will probably be even stronger in tonight’s ceremony. In fact I can still feel the effects on my lips, now currently the following afternoon, in the form of a tingling sensation.

It was a strange ceremony; the word melancholy comes to mind. It was visionary pretty much the whole time but the visions didn’t go anywhere, instead they were just mundane images of everyday life. It would not be of much value as of now to actually provide a laundry list of all I witnessed. I probably couldn’t remember them all anyways.

I gathered the most insights from the ceremony after I went back to my room and then the following morning. I feel very tired today and the group got an idea of why at the start of the retreat it is said that it will take some courage and perseverance to make it through all four Ayahuasca ceremonies. So I will go through my observations since a chronological break down of the night will not really do at this point.

I will mention that off the top and a bit later I experienced the fast moving through a tunnel motif which seems quite common to my experience. A train came speeding at me and I ducked under it and sped off in the opposite direction. Later on in my visions I saw a jaguar, it came towards me but then the vision just ended. It was the theme for the night in that none of the visions seemed to go anywhere or have meaning. I also got tired of the nausea which usually means I’m getting near the end of the cycle of work. A majority of the experience was going through past relationships and connections I had with women. It was interesting being able to kind of psychoanalyze the women based on their behaviour in the relationship. I had to admit the wild and crazy ones were fun though not long term relationship material and that’s where I lacked the maturity at the time to have figured it out. It was clear I married a woman who would not cause me heartache and stress. These trips down memory lane provided insight into my relationship with the Great Goddess because manifested in Ayahuasca she is wild, crazy, exciting, and ultimately untameable. I want to possess her and put her in my castle of gold and I see now that will never happen. The deep meaning is the impetus in men to treat love and beauty like a trophy wife and not honouring and glorifying those ideals every single day. Instead, I want to lock them up in my Peruvian trophy case of collectibles, displaying the love I found in the Amazon when I tell stories of my time in the jungle. It speaks to actions and the need to take responsibility for the gifts, wisdom, and knowledge I have been blessed with and step up the reciprocity game. To celebrate everyday love and beauty. There is always more we can do.

Along the same line of messaging in the chaos of Ayahuasca is my attraction to the experience which at first contains a lot of highs and a lot of lows. There’s no middle ground in the experience at first. I admit an addiction to the madness though I also wanted to tame the experience and I worked towards doing just that. I have been successful as this ceremony was demonstrating that I mastered the ceremony. It’s been my lot in life. I’m calm, patient, and everything always comes out even-steven, no surprises. In this ceremony the visions were just mundane and no surprises, just how I worked to get them to be. That is our existence as humans for the majority of the time; we observe, process, discard, and move on. There’s a need to embrace that part of life and to use love to provide meaning, joy, and hope to others. Going on a roller coaster ride is fun once a year but life can’t be lived like that. A Trevor Hall lyric I have been listening to came to me now and sums up the teaching: “Love all. Serve all. And create no sorrow.”

The Goddess did appear once in my menagerie of visions. I was sitting poolside and she came outside through a glass door where I first noticed her. Her image then refracted into the glass and divided up into many layers and this kept going until each refracted layer of her image became a point of light. She is one and she is many.

Day 10, Saturday March 16

The final ceremony held Friday night was a novel experience. The taste of the aged brew was disgusting, so much so I almost puked it out right away as I finished downing the cup. I had to turn away from the altar for fear I would throw up on it. La medicina was fuerte and it came on way before the shamans started singing their icaros. The ambience outside the maloca was not as I had ever witnessed or heard. There was a jaguar in the not too far distance roaring at a regular interval while all the while I was hearing the hooting of an owl, and the screeching of a monkey. These sounds locked me into a visionary state and I was off. I remained in focussed awareness for a really long time, my head being locked and looking ahead in one place, so much so that I developed a stiff neck from holding it so still. But it was magnificent.

The visions started off again with speed. I was racing at top speed on a racetrack much like a formula 1 circuit and I was picking up speed and weaving into and out of traffic. It was a blast as I navigated at high acceleration where eventually I reached a launch pad where I was then catapulted into orbit. I intuited that this was a futuristic way of travelling called a "shallow orbit." This took me to a city where I was able to create with my hands these designs which formed by simply touching the atmosphere around me. I then saw an enormous billboard which contained within a live woman dancing. She was beautiful and eventually she came out of the billboard and changed into a dragonfly like insect and landed in front of me and started boring into my head. Now, normally this would freak me out but instead I just let it happen until the scene changed and I was in this underground place. I saw a friend of mine taking care of her daughter and then I saw this construct where a giant artificial intelligence superman was being created by gathering up the power inherent in humans. It became clear that humans hold all the power in this world and we are quick to give it away. Corporations use wealth to perpetuate their power but it is all just transient. People need to stop giving away the power they possess. I then saw this giant AI man break free of his constraints and go on a destructive rampage. I knew I had to stop him so I became the jaguar and then through prolonged and sustained attacks at the giant robot I eventually brought him down.

I then found myself in a subterranean location once again. The experience took part in these realms for the majority of my visions this night. In the distance I spotted an owl flying around, then it spotted me and flew towards me. It settled directly in front of my face and stared into my eyes with the non blinking owl stare. It was a large black and brown owl much like the one on don Howard’s Huachuma Mesa. The significance of the owl will reveal itself to me however at the time all I could think of was my Ayahuasca journeys and seeing serpents, jaguars, butterflies, and now this owl. The owl has been a big part of my dreams and omens I witness in the forest near my home as well as the owls on don Howard’s and my own Mesa. 

To now have it come to me in ceremony was unspeakable beyond belief. I recall last time at SpiritQuest being in a trance and staring at the owl on the Mesa and having it blink its eyes at me. I was amazed and grateful for all I have been given in terms of wisdom and knowledge. Life is very mysterious. I feel I have penetrated the mystery to some degree but I’m not ready to fully embrace the magic, to let go of reason, and just witness and experience the unfathomable. However deep down I now know my logic rests on a bed of magic swirling pixie dust. Compared to the mundaneness of the previous ceremony, I was energized and it gave me a sense that there is a purpose to continuing on in these plant medicine journeys. I had been thinking I was at the end but this owl was letting me know there is more.

From this scene I looked up and saw a giant wall which filled with bright light the more I looked up. The wall then started to break up and a giant figure was appearing. I noticed bunches of grapes on the body and I figured this was the eternal return of Dionysos. The vision did not complete but it was hinting at the return. I have awakened the giant, there is still more to do, but the wheels are now in motion. Once again the vision was imploring me not to stop now but to continue on the path.

In this ceremony for some reason the shamans did not start singing their icaros until well into the ceremony. For this gathering all I needed was the jungle ambience; in fact, when the icaros started up I actually preferred the jungle noises this particular night as the visionary catalyst. This is worth exploring or at least spending some time with as it might be a sign of not needing external aids to drive visionary activity and that extends into my meditation practice at home where a new modality of opening up the visionary state could be at hand; don Howard would talk about this and Parker had mentioned using Mapacho to enter into the state as well. I know from my relationship with Mapacho that I can enter into trance, though the visionary activity is muted or not available most of the time.

At one point in ceremony something clicked in my head and I experienced complete and utter bliss capped off by a sublime feeling of contentment. Later on I compared some of the girls I have wanted to be in a long term relationship with but couldn’t have them to this whole experience this time with the Goddess. Culture and I by extension have locked her away for so long that now that I have freed her on a personal level she is not up for being tied down again. She is a wild and free spirit. It is probably time I rethink my culturally driven attitude towards marriage and possession as a peculiar masculine trait. Needless to say, I have lots to think about and lots to write about.

First off is remember to play. Things that are serious are bullshit. Don't take everything so seriously. I went into the ceremonies serious about a sacred union. She wanted to play. Life is play. The universe is at play; it's a dance.

There is a definite call to be a leader and not a follower. Walk your own path. The path only you can travel is the greatest path. So many others are seeking fulfillment by getting you to follow them as a perverse way of acceptance of what they are putting out there. You don't need that anymore or their spin. Lead by example, be selling nothing, and offer only your authenticity. If that attracts people so be it but show them the light and their own path to liberation.

Rethinking attitudes towards eroticism. It is frowned upon in our culture and treated as deviant behaviour. The damage to the psyche is immeasurable. From a personal standpoint I had to do a hard reset. I bought into the shame and treated my feelings of desire as aberrant and tried to rid myself of them. I went back to square one. I was very successful at suppression. I thought I conquered desire. Altering my consciousness repeatedly revealed desire is what makes the world go round. It is the elixir of love which powers up creation. It's not going anywhere; you can't conquer it! So when I saw this clearly I returned to the dance, I understood the power, and I maintain a healthy attitude towards the erotic and our desires. I returned to Peru because of this. I was chasing the Goddess, the sacred feminine which I have awakened within. 

Embrace the essential realization that existence is chiefly sexual and is filled by desire. The need to throw off the chains of culture and embrace the fundamental underpinnings of energy which is eros. To let go of inner conflict, shame, and the feeling that desire is sinful. This prevents us from waking up to the truth of who we are and the nature of our inner life and the great mystery. The mystery found in the the forgotten left hand path, of tantra, and of medieval alchemy. Bask in the esoteric hidden and exotic arts of tantra and alchemy and throw in some Dionysian revelry for good measure.

Those first two ceremonies were off the charts crazy. I was able to describe in detail what went on to those present in the sharing circle. If there were women present I would have had to ask them first if it was alright to describe fully my visions. I’m not sure I would consider any of it work but in retrospect full of insights and an amazing confirmation of my perception of what is the catalyst for creation.

Along the same lines of thought is the insight that the butterfly is the epitome of all women. The grace, beauty, and transience of this winged enchantress defines the Goddess which appears in my visions. She is playful and sensuous and my attempts to be the stereotypical bumbling male butterfly catcher in order to add her to my collection are hilariously thwarted and denied at every turn. At one point she morphed from the Queen to a butterfly, opened up and revealed herself to be a particular female body part and flew away.

I think I will end the description of my latest sojourn by being provocative. You see all my life I didn't believe in magic. In the Amazon plants taught me about intention and how to access different modalities of consciousness. I was taught about having an access to power and the ability to manipulate based upon your intentions in how you want to use this power. I was given access to knowledge which I can't explain. Still my reason and logic side didn't fully buy into it. So, I think I'll just come clean with what I now know. Divination, manipulation of people and events, and access to wisdom and knowledge are possible because you are in communion with the essence of who you are. They are the divine feminine and masculine aspects which are also of the same essence of what constitutes the all. When you realize this and can access this power then you have access to a fount which contains everything. These powers don't give away who they are though. You have to discover that honestly. That's the strange and puzzling part. You as the higher self will play along with your bumbling self, whether you believe you have accessed gods, demons, witches, sorcerers etc., or you figure it out and their ultimate identity. It's you but until you accept it is you then the "higher" you plays along with your ignorance or refusal to acknowledge the fact you are it. It would be fair to label then your higher self a trickster of sorts but it is only a trickster as long as you want to play that game. When you wake up and declare I know who you are then the knowledge of who they are, who you are, is freely admitted to. Conversely, if you access this power, are smitten with the possibilities, and then use it to enrich your so called "lower" mortal self then they play along in this foolish and selfish game as well. It boils down to choice and if your intentions aren't pure then you entrap yourself in the pursuit of an aggrandizement of self. It's best when you access this power to then be of service before self, give it away, and cultivate a love for all.