Do you think with consciousness altering substances that when you go too far it will lead to extreme outcomes?
Yes, that's what I intuit.
Those are the stories I get.
Sacrifice and suicide.
What was the low while at a plant medicine retreat?
Darkness.
I was wary of it.
Did you resist it?
At first, I did.
Then what did you do?
I stopped fighting the onset of darkness.
Why?
I became an explorer.
At first, I wasn't.
I investigated strategies of love and light.
Isn't that resistance, and wrong?
It's part of the process.
It's expected.
Look at it another way - what if you embraced the darkness upon first contact?
There would be no process of understanding and reconciliation.
If you accept your darkness without questioning it, you will lose.
If you run to avoid the confrontation, you lose.
So, you need some resistance?
Yes.
How do you know how much and when to resist?
It's a feeling.
Don't worry about it, there is enough latitude to be successful.
Everyone wants a hard and fast rule such as don't resist ideas because that will make them stronger.
On the surface, that's a good rule.
It's not applicable in most cases.
Why?
In order to understand something, you need some resistance.
Acceptance is a path towards complacency.
You really can't teach this path.
That is correct.
It's touchy feely.
It's your path.
Only you can determine next steps and the way to do that is through feeling.
It's a tactile mental approach.
That's what you can teach.
It's pointless to teach someone rules about an internal experience that is unique to everyone.
The best you can do is be a guide and not a teacher.
That's what a shaman is.
They guide you into and out of the altered state.
Westerners want so badly to pedestalize these practitioners of consciousness and think they are teachers.
They can share their knowledge.
They are the ones who are aware the process and journey is yours, and they need to get out of the way.
Okay, so what happened when you stopped resisting the darkness?
It came at a time when I was starting to understand the darkness.
I was longer scared and became curious.
I had turned down offers of power, and I started to see an equal who was me, but I didn't understand how the darkness was me.
It's a strange time in which you are internalizing something you thought was external.
How did you end up reconciling with your darkness?
Friendship.
Throughout life and my exploration of consciousness where I have touched on absurdity, love, meaning, belief, and truth, I have found friendship is something you can always count on.
Do you think it is the highest ideal?
It's up there.
With what?
Belief and trust.
Is that your trinity?
I think so.
Friendship, belief, and trust.
Absurdity and meaning are dependent on belief.
What about love?
There's unconditional love, but that seems to be hard to find.
Everything has a condition.
I say you can find unconditional love through friendship.
How so?
There are no expectations with a friend.
There's no exchange.
You hang out if you want to hang out.
You enjoy each other's company.
You help them out if you want.
That's a best friend.
Yup.
Is that what you found with your darkness?
Yeah, I started talking to him in altered states once I got past the fright.
What happened?
He opened up.
I felt like a therapist, almost like I was in the driver's seat.
It was a strange feeling to have someone that society teaches is the Devil, confiding in me and becoming my best friend.
Do you see the instability in that, and the fortitude needed to ignore society and keep going?
You are told you can't be friends with them.
I ignored all that.
So, you're best friends with the Devil.
Yeah.
Uh, that's a problem.
Correct.
You become an outcast.
People don't want you around.
Why?
You're the Devil.
It's uncomfortable.
What happens when you are around?
It's nice.
Comfortable.
I'm pretty chill.
Why don't others see and accept you then?
They are told not to.
What do you do?
I'm left alone.
I'm okay with it.
Why?
I'm my own best friend.
I understand myself.
Don't you want external companionship?
I'm selective and I curate my time.
What the fuck does that mean?
I only come out to play if I want to.
How do you pull that off?
I learned how to do it in life.
You ignore other people and get them annoyed at you.
You reduce their expectations to almost zero.
So, you have a bunch of people who don't count on you for anything and then another group who wants you gone.
Yes, that's my life as well as providing for a few people with a healthy amount of distance either physically or emotionally mixed in.
How can you function in a society based on obligations if that is your method?
Don't think about it, just do it.
And by doing, I mean don't do anything.
What do you think will happen when you don't fulfill your obligations to society?
Some will tell you to leave.
Others will stop depending on you.
If you take a step back, you will see the big picture.
What is it?
It's freedom.
I do what I want inside a container that grounds me.
If I moved to a cabin in the woods away from everyone, I wouldn't last long.
I'd get so high I'd leave.
Society is an anchor which allows me to continue my game.
So, this is a game?
Yes, it's the fourth pillar in my trinity.
The pillars of belief, trust, and friendship.
The game is the unspoken pillar.
Why do you need pillars?
Without them, there is no meaning.
Isn't there ultimately no meaning?
Yes.
Pillars give your story a ground.
Who are you?
The Writer.
This is my story.
You are constantly generating stories.
Yeah, that seems to be some kind of an anchor.
How so?
Almost like a ballast where I know I'm of sound mind if I continue to generate stories and write about them.
Isn't that a sign of mental instability?
I can see how you would think so if you took them all literally.
Right, that's the catch.
Precisely.
The road to madness involves an increase in the ability to author stories.
The tipping point is believing your stories.
Madness is the result.
Why?
People tell you your stories aren't true, and it pisses you off.
How do you avoid that outcome?
Don't tell anyone your stories.
Why?
They will tell you that you are crazy.
Being crazy is an external condition.
Your mind can internally process many states.
What it can't process is external consensus that you are crazy.
You need to keep to yourself.
Well, why don't we then?
The mind seeks validation from others.
That's a conundrum.
How do you deal with it?
Write about it and drop it in the flow.
What's the flow?
Blogger.
Ha.
No one reads it.
Exactly.
A few people read it.
Yeah, they want you to be declared mentally unstable.
Why?
That's the process.
They identify the ones who stray from the herd and assimilate or eliminate them.
Why?
It's destabilizing to the group.
Why?
They will be responsible for an outbreak of clarity.
The clarity will allow you to see the game.
What's the game?
It's a carnival.
You play a bunch of games and ultimately you will lose.
If you understand the mechanism of the casino, you will either stop playing or you will know how to win.
What's that?
It involves a lot of doing nothing.
Playing leads to a bad outcome at the casino.
Yeah, I see that.
Observe the casino.
Okay, so I would guess in your life the authorities would be looking to label you.
Yes, tattoo you with one of those psychotic designations.
How do you avoid it?
A way of keeping to myself and being independent.
Having others rely on you.
Once you must rely on someone else, it's curtains.
That's quite the edge.
I know.
I must ride it for as long as possible until that danger passes.
What's the danger?
Losing financial independence.
It's a big one to keep your freedom.
You lose that, they are going to have you committed.
Does that concern you?
No, it makes the game fun.
You need a challenge.
If it is all gravy, you get complacent.
So, what's the plan?
I'll ride.
Stay on the rollercoaster and see where it goes.
Aren't you worried about the destination?
The future?
Yes.
No.
Why?
What am I going to do?
Change it.
I could do that to get more certainty.
That just opens up a new can of worms.
I'm going to ride this rollercoaster to the end.
If it dumps me off prematurely, then I'll take a few months off and figure it out.
Notice how you get to the same sacrifice story.
You keep writing it.
Yeah, by getting to the edge.
Don't tip over.
Stay within your dosages.
That's how you know you are on the edge.
That sacrifice story.
As long as you recognize the edge, you are good.
When you can't see it, it is a problem.
Why?
Because you have seen it.
Always know the edge and where you are in relationship to that edge.
It's sacrifice for me.
Got it.
If you get high and don't see the sacrifice story, you went too far.
Turn around.
What are you doing?
Building a map.
The edge of insanity.
It might be too late if you don't get that sacrifice story.
Got it.
Advice for you.
I was getting that story with Huachuma the last time out with the medicine.
The dark low takes you to suicide.
Ah, I see.
You generally inflate to the sacrifice story.
Women inflate and then deflate you.
They are a rollercoaster of emotions.
You could plausibly call women similar to a plant medicine journey.
Yeah, especially Ayahuasca.
Are you going to do that?
No.
Why not?
Experience.
I know when to shut up.
The map is finding the threshold to maximize power out of the altered state without going crazy.
The good shamans know the edge.
They don't need much.
They know the edge will tempt you.
When the rollercoaster heads down, you go with it.
Don't resist.
If you exceed the dosage and don't get the sacrifice story, that is a problem.
Welcome the thoughts of annihilation.
It means you're still here.
