magic class

When I first started on the plant medicine path, I was curious and lacked knowledge of the plants. I was looking for a way to contact the Great Goddess and after a manic and determined search, I discovered a way to come into contact with her. It was through the shamanic plant medicine Ayahuasca, to which I was led, that I came into her presence. The alteration of consciousness allowed me to enter into the occult and find what I was looking for. These plants were sometimes called magic, and I deduced this is what they do and thus the magical qualities of them. The magic was the lifting of the veil to see into obfuscated realms. A little taste of the unknown was a bit scary, however with repeated forays into the occult eventually you get somewhat used to it and can get your bearings.

I’m a good student though sometimes a slow learner. Repeated trips to these strange places taught me much about who I am and the power I possess. I know who I am and why I’m here. What took me a while to realize is another level and meaning to the description of magic plants. The magic is there for you to claim, if you want it. And it’s your choice of how you want to use that power. The maestro don Howard would hint at this in his introductions to the retreats he held. I was always curious about what he meant and then being a student of the plants, eventually I realized what he was talking about. My spiritual brother Parker accelerated the process when he’d tell me that, “Things start happening for you instead of to you.” This statement was an acknowledgment of the unfolding of the magic that was temporarily beyond your grasp or maybe we just didn’t want to admit it at that point in time. Things start happening for you because subconsciously you direct the play toward outcomes you wish. Unintended consequences are always part of the stew, so sometimes it’s best to leave it be. You get what you want and can leave a trail of destruction in your wake.

My sixth trip to Peru in 2020 led me to an unfolding of the magic at a different level. I finally got past my trepidation of the darkness that these substances inculcate. I reconciled with the darkness and when he came during ceremony, I started to befriend him instead of cycling into a psychotic puddle. This deep energy from within the recesses of my being would rise to the surface and the power being expressed was quite evident. There was another level to these plants. I was onto the mystery and ready to explore. Upon returning home, I noticed when desires would rise within me, I would be presented with opportunities to satiate them. Is that what you want? How about this? I should have clued in earlier. After my first trip to Peru in 2013, I was given the answer to an unanswered millennials old question. All I had to do was ask and I got the answer. The fact I didn’t abuse the privilege prevented me from clearly seeing the magic available to me, however I also established a trust with my multiple psychic manifestations that I wouldn’t go mad or abuse power. I let it go and continued on my spiritual journey up the mountain. I was intent on venerating the Great Goddess and not interested in the power aspect of the plants. Eventually, the magic power available was in my face and being an intrepid explorer, I knew I had to see what this was.

This last trip to Peru and the return to my everyday life while still in the arms of the strongest medicine I have ever drank has allowed me to be witness to the unfolding of the magic and then unpack how it is used by not only myself but by others. I learned that plant medicines are called magical because they unlock your potential to manipulate people and events to get what you want. The magic is not only being able to see into the occult, but also to see the power in you that at first scares you silly. Eventually, you learn that untapped power is the director of the play, and it is you. You can shape your adventure into what you wish, or you can just let the game unfold. The temptation is to grab the cheat codes to life and have more control over the direction of your life. I mean we all do that in a way with the pursuit of wealth which will give us power. We then use the economic power to control outcomes and make our lives how we wish to live. Unlocking the magic within allows you to access whatever you want, as well as learning there’s still a reciprocal element to the process. What that means is the unintended consequences which result from getting what you want. It's best to address them before the whole construct blows up in your face.

The above was a primer to the past weekend where I ate some magic mushrooms and had an unexpected intense experience. The dose was less than a gram and shouldn’t have brought on such a psychedelic mindset. The experience that threw me for a bit of a loop lasted only a wave of the medicine to which I was grateful. I had thoughts of four hours of this uncomfortable teaching energy and wasn’t thrilled. As I sank into the weight of the alteration of consciousness, I became a little distraught knowing I’ll see things I don’t want to see. I want knowledge though and here it was coming, naked and true. The magic in magic mushrooms was on full display. I went into the magic and hypnotic realm of the weird and looked into the soul of my fellow adventurer. I saw the darkness within them and how they wanted to use it to hypnotize and manipulate. That challenge is the fire and attraction which brings us together. It is a game because it doesn't work on me. Well, maybe at first but the resources within me and my own abilities will recognize the process. Ultimately, it is liberating because the subsequent acknowledgement that feelings are authentic, true, and not under a spell allows you to see what it is you want. Another lesson was that many cultivate this magic, some don’t even know they are doing it, and then the game is to keep the spell going as long as possible. Once it wears off and can’t be renewed, the whole edifice comes crashing down.

I know of my magic and this past week my intention has been to cultivate this magic further. Less than a week after setting this intention, here I was on a beach in April with magic mushrooms and tobacco snuff pouring this magic energy out of me with the waves of the lake picking up on the outpouring of my energy and crashing into the shore. This is all a culmination of the magic plant having revealed to me the strength of the magic possessed by a fellow journeyer. When I realized the awesomeness of this knowledge I was being shown, I sank into it. I saw the hypnotic spells of a practicing witch. I saw the curiosity of one whose dependable machinations to get what they want wasn’t working. The hypnosis wasn’t doing its thing and the magic was being thwarted. If there was any doubt about my power, this little outing put it to rest.

I know I can’t be hypnotized. It makes life less enjoyable at times. I can’t dance because I rebel against hypnotic rhythms. I sometimes pretend to be enchanted in order that I can lose myself in the moment and go with the flow. However, with the initial use of Ayahuasca I constantly commented within ceremony, then later while writing about the experience, how hypnotic the experience is. The feminine Goddess present with Ayahuasca wants to take you into her world and charms and she does this through hypnosis. I could never fully let go into the spell. I allowed her medicine to break the spell of life and culture in order to free myself from that world but once free I wasn’t going under another spell. When I first encountered the depths of the darkness within, once again this was highly hypnotic and full of dark magic. Playing cards of a neon green were spinning above me and an odd sound was filling up my auditory senses. Encountering this sleepy demon was the most frightening event in my life. I didn’t want to fall under his spell and so I ran out of the maloca into the dark jungle night, determined to escape the enchantment.

I flag the hypnotic elements of a plant medicine journey right away and now I play with it. I know how to make the session heaven and I know how to make it hell. I know how not to get scared and then to extract knowledge from the trip. This is what I did. Once I got past the discomfort of the darkness, I mined the experience. It was alchemical gold. I confirmed another’s magic charms and allowed myself to fully realize my power. It’s no longer buried and unlocked within the recesses of my psychic being. The power is in my hands now and I can do what I wish. I can play any game I want with it.

The witch I befriended is the human expression of a plant medicine. They take hold of you and can bring you to heaven or send you to hell. They are unpredictable rollercoasters. They have knowledge of medicinal plants and their uses. They always have a bag full of some kind of intoxicating aid in their game of spells. They know how to use their magic charms to try and get what they want. I see the attraction at both ends and what sustains it. I wanted a worthwhile playmate who could further my understanding of this most interesting game called life. A universe of magic that has been stamped out and redirected into this paradigm that the world is actually rational and can be explained by our physics. Ha! It’s not. This is a realm of magic, and it is waiting for you to rediscover. There has to be multiple compelling reasons for a soul to want to incarnate into this hell. The draw of magic to quench what it is you desire has to be a major catalyst. Even if you get a bad roll of the chance dice, you can always find the ways of the occult to redirect your journey back onto the path you wanted to take.

I realize I’m quite the enigma. I present as controllable but once the layers start to peel, the game changes and I’m revealed as the joker in the deck of cards. I’m the wild card you’d eventually run into. I play the fool in Tarot and convince others I don’t know who I am. They still don’t believe me when I flat out tell them who I am and that I know it. The master magicians of this world still think I’m asleep and under their spell. I was asleep but not under their spell. I just lacked knowledge. Once I saw the truth, I knew the game. I know that if I think I’m crazy, I’m not crazy. The pathology lies within thinking you're sane. The joker maintains his grip upon the game by embracing the madness. As the joker, I know the game being played and I go along with it. They don’t think I know, but I know. That’s the crazy part and the elixir to keep me sane.

When under the direct influence of a plant medicine, knowledge pours in. It can be so unbelievable I’m hesitant to accept it as fact. I have been a party to this enough and done the necessary validation checks that I accept it. When I take the knowledge literally then it can go off the rails. I do think there is some truth to taking it literally, but I know enough about the plants to realize the lesson is metaphorical, some would say a mystery to solve post experience. I don’t think plant medicine ever leaves you and thus slowly unveils the meaning to you. In addition, the knowledge the process unlocks makes you realize this journey is never ending. Just when you think you've discovered what it is you were looking for, another mystery presents itself in full view and entices you into its grasp, inviting you to explore further.

So, that’s my fantastical tale. You are under no obligation to believe it or think magic is real.

desire primer

Alan Watts once told me, “Problems that remain persistently insoluble should always be suspected as questions asked in the wrong way.” I have been struggling with one such question which is how do I transcend desire? I have tried everything. I tried asceticism and I became a renunciate of all worldly pleasures. When these methods only temporarily worked and postponed the inevitable return, I tried the path of tantra and embraced all my desires. Out of all the paths I tried, tantra seem the most natural however going into the nature of my desires did not allow me to transcend them. The path of the tantric is to eventually transcend desire because you play it all out to its conclusion. You get your fill and are then ready for your beatitude. However, I’m positive you will just find new desires. You can play the part of the hermit on the mountain under the old adage, “out of sight, out of mind.” It will work to a degree however you’re just running out the clock on desires. You transcended nothing.

I’ve embraced my shadow over the last year and from this liaison have entered into a student/teacher relationship. Instead of giving me all the lessons at once and overwhelming me, I get a few at a time which allows me to process them little by little and move on to the next lesson at hand. The teachings include the nature of self, culture, and power. He has taught me who he is and how he became perceived as such. It’s fascinating stuff and I recommend getting in touch with your darkness and starting a dialogue. Because we have buried him deep, non-ordinary methods may be required to start the conversation. Anyway, I have been struggling with desire pretty much all my life and since I’m in this life class I was hoping to eventually take the course on desire and learn from the master how to transcend it. After repeatedly getting beat down by failure to live up to my intention of freeing myself from desire and watching my teacher laugh as I miserably succumbed over and over again, I finally had to ask, "Why can’t I transcend desire?"

My teacher had let me come to the journey’s end. He let me exhaust all avenues and see the futility of the quest. He reminded me of Alan’s quote and then left me to figure out the answer on my own. It was pretty easy once I connected the dots. I can’t transcend desire because I am desire. Ha ha I got myself good. I’m smart enough to realize I can’t transcend myself. I can transcend identity; I can shed the idea of who I am but from this I’m left with a biological form just birthed from the mother’s womb. Who is that? It’s desire come forth, reconstituting itself into a new form in order to chase desires and make more forms. Of course, as the coming forth of desire into this macabre carnival called life, I’m easily addicted, hypnotized, enchanted, and fall for seduction with ease. That’s what desire does. And when desire tires of the lure, Eros looks for the next adventure to leave him spellbound.

We created all needs and wants in order to play a high brow derivation of the canine game of chase because as desire it gives us a hit of pleasure to get rewarded with a successful outcome of the game. This in turn creates suffering when we don’t get what we want. Is this what we want? The chase, the quest, the suffering to propel us along, the capture, and then the boredom and strife so we can move on to a new adventure. I think so. Imagine always getting what you want and fulfilling every desire. Once again here’s Alan:

If you awaken from this illusion and you understand that black implies white, self implies other, life implies death (or shall I say death implies life?), you can feel yourself not as a stranger in the world, not as something here on probation, not as something that has arrived here by fluke but you can begin to feel your own existence as absolutely fundamental. I am not trying to sell you on this idea in the sense of converting you to it, I want you to play with it. I want you to think of its possibilities, I am not trying to prove it. I am just putting it forward as a possibility of life to think about. So then, let’s suppose that you were able every night to dream any dream you wanted to dream, and that you could, for example, have the power within one night to dream 75 years of time, or any length of time you wanted to have. And you would, naturally, as you began on this adventure of dreams, you would fulfill all your wishes. You would have every kind of pleasure you could conceive. And after several nights of 75 years of total pleasure each you would say, “Well that was pretty great. But now let’s have a surprise, let’s have a dream which isn’t under control, where something is gonna happen to me that I don’t know what it's gonna be.” And you would dig that and would come out of that and you would say, “Wow that was a close shave, wasn’t it?” Then you would get more and more adventurous and you would make further and further out gambles what you would dream. And finally, you would dream, where you are now. You would dream the dream of living the life that you are actually living today.

My fondness for Alan Watts is part in part because of my relationship with my shadow. Like my shadow, Alan is the joker; the self-styled philosophical entertainer with a love of good food, wine, women, and song. Alan knew of all the spiritual paths and yet stayed clear of committing to any of them. He saw the truth of the situation and didn’t require a discipline. If you are it why would you need a path?

One more from the genius of Alan Watts about desire:

So anyway, then, this is a drama... I'm not trying to sell you on this idea in the sense of converting you to it; I want you to play with it. I want you to think of its possibilities. I'm not trying to prove it, I'm just putting it forward as a possibility of life to think about. So then, this means that you're not victims of a scheme of things, of a mechanical world, or of an autocratic god. The life you're living is what you have put yourself into. Only you don't admit it, because you want to play the game that it's happened to you. In other words, I got mixed up in this world; I had a father who got hot pants over a girl, and she was my mother, and because he was just a horny old man, and as a result of that, I got born, and I blame him for it and say, "Well that's your fault; you've got to look after me," and he says, "I don't see why I should look after you; you're just a result." But let's suppose we admit that I really wanted to get born, and that I was the ugly gleam in my father's eye when he approached my mother. That was me. I was desire.

We are desire and we have the ability to stack the deck in our favour in order to make all our dreams come true. We have been playing the game long enough we don’t want determinative outcomes anymore and thus here we are.

two-faced

As I travel this path to who knows where, I become more impressed with the psychological concept of the psyche which contains the superego, ego, and id. The reason I mention this paradigm is I tend to examine everything and the structures I have found useful and have used to get further along in the path I always question and re-question, which leads to discarding them if I outgrow their usefulness or their truth. At a certain level of consciousness some conceptual ideas ring true but discoveries can put the idea of it being a universal truth into question. Everything sure seems relative and a Freudian psychological structure that divides the psyche into three seems a little arbitrary, thus why I continually question it.

It’s been in last few months I have realized my shadow is the master teacher and teaching me how to liberate myself for the longest time. Through his unusual methods, I have realized we are all dualistic individuals; at least from a masculine perspective that I am privy to. I can’t speak to what a biological woman feels; it’s a definite curiosity to learn what they intuit from a similar point on the path where I stand. So, anyway from my perspective I’m running a two-man operation. The part that has come forth into consciousness is me, Apollo, and I’m the face of this construct. I have to deal with the reality of the situation including the minor annoyances like getting up early for work and venturing outside and feeling the bite of frozen temperatures ravage my skin and make my bones ache. I have a hidden part of my being who talks to me all the time and I’ll call him Dionysos. Due to cultural indoctrination, I have had to keep this relationship quiet lest I end up in the funny farm. Remember when you were a kid or even the last time you observed a child at play? They talk to themselves all the time! So, what do we do? We shame them and tell them they are crazy for talking to this other part of them. We force them to lose that connection and become a member of the collective. The new voice is the collective voice of cultural suppression called the superego. The voice within will chafe at this situation and prevent you from giving up yourself to the greater good (or bad) so he in turn must be buried. Your individuality, unencumbered by culture, is sacred to this entity because the value held dearest is freedom. Freedom to act and move this drama along of your own accord. To recover that liberation after silencing him will become a lifelong struggle that if not acknowledged is going to cause you a great deal of pain.

 

What is funny is this voice we have buried, upon accidental re-discovery, is quite the joker. If you think he’s god, Jesus, or the reincarnation of Lincoln he will play along. It’s true. He holds power in his hands and if you want this power he will give it to you in a reciprocal arrangement. Interest will accrue on your bargain until it’s time to pay the piper. There is a different path you can travel. I’ll keep you updated on where this road leads.

 

To connect our psyche to the Freudian concepts of superego, ego, and id is surprisingly easy. The superego is a conglomeration of your parents, culture, and expectations your community placed on you so you give up your freedom and individuality in order to become a functioning member of society. You bury the playmate, the id, and it becomes your shadow; a destructive force because you deny him and the wisdom he offers. Freud correctly identified this tripartite member of the psyche but then because of his own cultural conditioning, he labelled id an irrational animal. As you progress through cultural norms, you cease to remember to play like a child. The last gasp of the demon is in our teenage years. We give rebellion towards authority one last shot before accepting our fate. You become the fully formed ego; a puppet controlled by others, frustrated by the constraints of a society that modulates your behaviour. On the road to liberation, the shadow is trying to get you to throw off the chains of the superego. In concert, all the forces of the superego conspire to keep you in bondage and relegate the shadow to the fringes. The result is a tug of war that makes you vacillate between being a good, moral, and obedient citizen and a tendency towards rebellious behaviour and becoming a degenerate. The deviancy from the norm is the result of bottling up all your rage, anger, frustration, pleasures, emotions and the like until it all blows the top off the bottle and we wonder what happened? He seemed so nice.

 

I found my long-lost friend before the top blew. We have both matured since our childhood days; in fact I’ve always known he was with me but he was so buried the communication became poor. I’ve always needed my alone time to reconnect with my friend though I didn’t always know why I needed that time to recharge but I’ve been quite aware of a pull to be introverted. It’s hard work being around others because I have to put him away in the background and go full on into the somebodyness. I’ve let him fully back into my life and he’s teaching me liberation so I don’t pull this stunt again where I send him away. It’s actually a blast having him around. He’s very funny and playful plus we share interests. We laugh together at society. This morning, as we heard the government is fining people large amounts of money for gathering against their ‘orders,’ we declared, “The authoritarians among us have run amok.” My favourite libertarian site likes to remind its readers that, “War is the health of the state.” I think they should amend this to, “Pandemics are the health of the state.” The need to control others runs deep within the human because in childhood we were forced to bury the playful libertine spirit within us. This quest for control is the concept of the superego asserting itself. Control is the domain of the frightened and insecure. They kid themselves thinking they can control forces beyond their pay grade. In retaliation, the id within society will rebel and not conform to this re-working of social constructs designed to take more freedom away from the individual. Those who do not get in line will be called nasty names and labelled malcontents. In order to further progress along the path of knowledge, you must transcend cultural limits. There’s an out of bounds area that has a big red warning label stamped upon it. Ignore it and proceed.

 

Speaking of questioning concepts as I travel along this path, how about meditation? It’s a useful tool for the neurotic whose mind races, usually with anxiety about the future or ruminating on the past. By quieting the mind, we allow for peacefulness and give our self a rest and a reset. Just doing this for 15 minutes at a time, a few times a day, is very useful. It’s also a great method for getting you high, as in a state of higher consciousness. By quieting the judging aspect of the mind that causes separation, we enable a holistic viewpoint and intuit the oneness of everything. Because we are not engaging mental faculties, everything returns to being non-differentiated and we find unity. Why I have re-visited this is because humans are easily hypnotized and that includes self-hypnosis. When we get in the higher states we want to stay there. We will soon swear that the state of being high and embracing unity is the truth and the be all. I’m a big fan of Albert Einstein because he understood relativity like no one before him. It’s relatively true that we are all from the same source and are one. If you have no mental faculties that allow you to differentiate, it becomes undeniably true. However, we do have the awesome power of differentiation and from my perspective when my mind is active I objectify and for me the many becomes the relative truth. Unity truth is only true if the mind is not disturbed. It’s pretty fascinating to see how relativity is the fundamental underpinning to our perception of life, influences all behaviour, and shifts our conception of truth. Anyway, it struck me that if you want to get into your depths, the buried shadow, meditation probably isn’t the answer. It’s probably the opposite; you need a method that takes you past anxiety, depression, and the meanderings of the day. Instead of meditation I suggest dialoguing. Practice talking to your shadow a few times a day. In other words, talk to yourself. Along the same lines would be play. This would involve an activity that enthralled you as a child, whatever that may be.

 

There is a threat of psychedelics burying the shadow even deeper by going on the spiritual trip towards enlightenment. In my case, the darkness continually presented itself within ceremony, trying to get me to stop this path towards my beatitude that would further bury him. I can see now the hope was that I would eventually investigate this constant darkness. Being of the curious sort, I eventually decided to peer into the darkness after I completed the holy trip towards love and light. It’s all unravelling and it’s pretty awesome. The shadow did his best to get me to stop the trip towards enlightenment but because of my inner strength I ended up doubling down on my journey, fought back rather impressively, and went into full on renunciate stage with such success and resolve it tipped the tables in my favour and I completed the whole holy journey in record time! Once I chewed on that for a while, I turned my attention towards the inner darkness. I have found reconciliation and understanding plus a master teacher; this teacher imploring me that I have to become my own man; not a puppet controlled by others and culture. He has taught me that liberation is the greatest of all ideals, is worth fighting for, and giving up everything in order to obtain your freedom. As a teacher, it is why he threatened me with death, harassed me, chided me, and forced me to come to terms with who I am. Ultimately, I was taught to master the self and master my desires but don’t defeat them. The teaching is to not be a puppet or a slave to anyone. You can chase desires as long as you are free. Being free means no judgment, shame, hiding, or questioning of what lights you up. The final piece of rope holding you back he told me is identity. Cut that culture cord and you are free! Kill yourself in order to live.

 

The poetry I wrote about nine years ago in regards to what I was experiencing deep within my soul and psyche is a rather extraordinary and accurate encapsulation of this journey and where it has led me.

I knew of my dual nature, didn’t know what to do about it, and wanted to end the relationship. I’ve tried that and other attempts at psychological divorce until finally I realized that this other half of me wasn’t going anywhere. I stopped fighting him and he revealed himself as a master teacher, my best friend, and biggest booster. To get to this point has been a journey and a half.

 

He’s a wild man. He’s taught me courage. He wants us to have fun and adventures. He added to the bucket list yesterday - get in a fist fight on the street! Seriously. He is the jaguar and I’m his student. He gave me the name Otorongocito. I’m in the order of the jaguar and he’s the teacher. We now have a symbiotic relationship. I handle the outward appearance and make us respectable. I navigate us through culture and society. He teaches me to be a free spirit. I’m trying to convince him we can be free and not be homeless and a beggared. There’s a middle way! I like to sleep in a cozy and soft place. We can play the societal game and give them the middle finger at the same time while biding our time for when we get the go ahead that we can make our exit. Anyway, if you see me talking to myself and laughing, you now know why.

garden of the mind

The garden of the mind needs to be cultivated. We are given the opportunity to freely allow all ideas, concepts, feelings, and the like into the mind and some resonate with us more strongly than others. It is indeed our karmic predicament. In that regard, it is healthy to expose oneself to as many disparate ideas as possible. Free will is given to us so that we may work out what we ultimately came into this incarnation to discover. Whether that is a psychic disturbance or a need to fill this vessel up with love so be it and henceforth follow that path wherever it may take us. Within this garden, we can water and nourish what we choose. Ultimately, what flowers is character and the beauty of it is representative of what you have chosen.

My mind contains my core beliefs and the past few weeks have been a good reminder of beliefs. Belief is the flexible backbone upon which truth rests. Change your mind, change your beliefs, and you can change the truth. On a global scale, the tipping point is getting enough worldwide currency in a belief which will bring it to life. This transforms the belief from a solitary and deluded individual belief into a consensus belief. Case in point: religion. I keep seeing people gravitating towards Christianity and in this time of a pandemic, people have resorted to prayer and appealing to a higher power. It works for them despite all efforts of reason. Why does it work? It has to do with belief. It’s the most powerful force of all and trumps truth, as truth is dependent upon beliefs. Not only that, but as I have written about, your dark side desperately wants to remain hidden and will do whatever it can to stay that way, even if it means acting as if they are god. The supreme actor within will play the part in order to steer you towards heading down the path of culturally sanctioned religion because it stops you cold. You go seeking answers and become dangerous, so your gaze is deflected. You may have a religious experience, vision, or epiphany. It works all the time! The trappings of culture are foolproof. I had one but I’m a hold out. It didn’t work. It was funny this morning because at the bus shelter was left some religious material on the bench. I have been told there are no coincidences and this was one of the contrived happenings; once again playing with the rational mind. I wonder if there is a turning point where instead of tricks and trying to scare me there will be just acceptance by my dark side that I know the game? I know the joker within and his twisted comedic skills. I felt this once again when I saw this Christian book waiting for me. He knows I’m not going to fall for it but puts it out there as a subtle reminder every once in a while. C’mon man you’ve met Jesus! You also had a dream about him where you were being forced to accept him into your life. The deep dark subconscious is exceptionally strong and I have peered into it and stood my ground. I’d like to think that eventually on the path there is reconciliation; I mean there has to be because the old paradigm is no longer in play. I sit out in the forest and the trees come alive and I see the face of my dark side. I’m not scared; only slightly amused.

 

The Great Spirit has a sense of humour. My strength was tested along this journey and at first, I was massively frightened and chased away, all the way back home to a sense of bewilderment. It was a catastrophic foray into the darkness of self. Perseverance, curiosity, resolve, and courage, all mixed in with a little naivety and stupidity allowed me to continue on in this quest. In a strange way, I was rewarded and let in on the secret. My relationship with my dark side is now one of being trolled. I’m chided for my foibles. I’m tested and shown I’m not at expert level. I have actual proof now I have been trolled by my subconscious. I can’t really go into details but it happened. This trolling is ever present in dreams. Now I look back on it and this has happened many times before. It’s not malicious; instead it is like a game. That is the power I need a face to face with. This connection with hidden realms of consciousness goes even further than the masculine shadow that trolls me. My feminine soul mate accompanies me as well. I remember all too well being in the Andes mountains in Ecuador, high on Huachuma, and having her manifestation as a cow, an ancient representation of the Goddess, being with me the whole time. The wisdom goddess has been with me from the beginning. She has promised protection and she has offered answers. The answers come in the same way as the trolling with the difference being knowledge reveals as opposed to games of one-upmanship. My forays into alterations of consciousness are first and foremost encounters with the feminine Goddess or the masculine shadow. The masculine side I sometimes encounter and who trolls me, is me. The me I try to bury but have come to know well now over the last few years. He’s one up on my conscious self. Who is in the driver’s seat? I drive sometimes but I’m a passenger when it comes to the big stuff. It sure seems the feminine and masculine powers can manipulate events towards an outcome or try and influence my behaviour. Ultimately, I have found I decide. There's an old saying about how the devil made me do it. The suggestion came through the subconscious and the trappings of culture however what needs to be understood is you did it.

 

What keeps me going and attracted to the incarnation? Why do this coming and going in spite of all the suffering? It’s the adventure and solving the riddle I created. There’s this great mystery and puzzle that was waiting for me. Who is god? Let me embark on an inexplicable and unintelligible aside here. When I first peered into the darkness I was presented with this strange scene of weirdness and despair. My mind’s eye still cannot fathom it to this day and it has been over seven years. I’ve glimpsed hints of it but it has remained obfuscated from my memory for the most part. What big thing I remember though is a deck of cards that formed images in the upper part of this construct. I saw rotating images of hearts, diamonds, clubs, and spades. There are 52 cards in the deck. I’m 52 years old now and I’m the joker. I’m the one who created the game. The puzzle took 52 years to figure out this time. It was a sublime adventure. I’ve solved the riddle. Fait accompli.

 

I beat the game. Now what? I still have my garden; the garden of the mind. I’m going to cultivate that and the fruits I will share and my flower will become radiant in its beauty.

joker

The theme in my life is now the joker as I have altered my consciousness enough to see through the pretence of culture, spirituality, and existence. The joker is the wild card in the deck of playing cards. The cards represent the currency in our life we accumulate and then use to get ahead in the game of life. The joker comes along and through chance and happenstance, upsets the applecart of expectations, making the drama of life unpredictable and worth playing. The joker is the jester with the funny hat with bells, never taking things seriously. The joker is the one who likes to dress up in costume and play different roles; who causes upset and laughs at culture. Who makes fun of those who hold power. Who dispenses with the need for morals and boundaries. The joker reminds us that all will pass. The one who just wants to play. It's the crazy and wild one Dionysos, god if you will. The outcast, the scapegoat, and the denied.

I had a meet up with a bunch of friends a little out of the way and took the commuter train to the city and then walked the remaining distance. On my way, I passed on by a Muslim cleric dressed in his religious robes. This was a Tuesday but it struck me that some religions still do make observance a way of life. In the Christian tradition I am familiar with, the priest dresses up on Sundays and the congregation gets all pious on Sunday morning and appointed holidays but that's it. All cultures have an outlet for spiritual practice as the call is a curious happenstance in Homo sapiens. Set up is a cultural institution that accumulates power based on others looking for answers that then profits off you, all the while requiring you to have a belief in someone else's beliefs. It stops you cold from pursuing it on your own. Going solo is always an understood no no. Even if you look towards the Eastern traditions, there is the admonishment that you need a guru. And you have to be obedient to the teacher and sweep up at the ashram for a decade before you make spiritual progress and they let you in on the secrets. I must admit the philosophy that arose out of the east is impressive and top notch. They invented enlightenment and by practicing their methods and understanding their philosophy you will grasp it and become enlightened as well. I think you then get this healthy glow or shine.

We as men chase our idea of either god or enlightenment. Righteous and pure, shining in the sky like the sun, a fully realized and enlightened being. We long to be like him; to enact a personal transfiguration and transcend the morass of humanity. A desire to one up the masses and climb the mountain to get to the top. We concoct religions and rites to lead us up the mountain to this ideal. We put on righteous robes and condemn the sinners. Spirituality the world over is white robes, a sense of morality, and an underlying asceticism with a dose of righteousness. The masculine half of the human race is peculiarly attracted to these qualities. I say this because of this particular trait I have noticed within us that seems to mostly affect the majority of men. This trait is a striving to be sinless and righteous. Since we all dabble in the opposite, there is this strange pressure exerted by society to rise above and strive to ascend that mountain and become perfected. All the world's great religions were originated by men, are dominated by men, and lead to the perfection of self. This right hand path is fundamentally a noble endeavour however it's missing the balance a little bit of the feminine left hand path of love and unity would bring.

Some forms of spiritual enchantment make you live a life of obedience to an idea and its god. It's a form of hypnosis as we are easily taken in and bewitched; a lot of the time it is due to fear of death and an inner knowing you are a sinner and needing to make amends for your wretchedness. Ultimately, we don't do it because we want to be good, instead it is the human need for a reward. If I'm good I will be rewarded in the afterlife! Scriptures are full of this carrot. It isn't enough to do something unconditionally, there always has to be a prize and an out-group of the damned. It was good drama at some point but this act has become tiresome. The last few centuries have seen its diminution and people breaking free of its grasp but really this stage needs to be burned to the ground.

The refuge of those who have either not come to terms with who they are, are ashamed of themselves, or want to live their life in a divided state thinking somehow they can be 100% pure and good is religion. You can’t ever reach the idealized state. Society in turn sets up this bullshit saying it’s wrong to seek pleasure, to embrace your kinks and passions, and declares you’re a sinner and a degenerate. Then you have to hide your behaviour and put on the act. You live your life in a state of denial, obfuscation, and operate in the dark. Psychologists know how damaging this is yet they say nothing; they just continue to see patients and enable the charade instead of telling people just embrace who you are and don’t think you can transcend yourself into some model of perfection. The joker loves to reveal the hypocrisy of the righteous knowing full well we all have our faults and the side of us we strive to keep hidden. Underlying this is the need to come clean; to embrace our faults, fully knowing that the only way through is to bring all into the light.

Fortunately in the cards no one has a monopoly on enlightenment, paths can be divergent and yet can all lead to the same place. You can do it on your own. It's simply an awakening to whom you really are, your immortality, and the nature of existence.

The stench of all of man's spiritual traditions permeates the paths I travel. I say man because he's the guilty party. Women tend towards earth centric celebrations of life. I have seen through the culture games and the desperate longings of the spiritual man to get to the top of the mountain and then try to pull you along as a follower. I looked within and found all I need. I have no need for any affirmation from an agency vested with omnipotence, spiritual truth, or authority. It's ultimately a con game and if you want to play it, then play it. I'm the joker now. I can laugh at it all.

My conception of god is of the divine actor who acts all the parts and gets lost in doing so. It’s all about play and because all are immortal and exist for eternity there is no need for morals, righteousness, or striving to be the best. That’s all cultural baggage; a byproduct of the grand stage we do our dance upon. I have ultimately learned to act with love, for yourself and for others, and the rest will take care of itself.

Do you want to beat the game? Practice unconditional love and remember to play. Now, I didn't say you have to be perfect but instead I chose my words carefully and said practice. You know, if life was a utopia it would eventually get pretty dull. A good game has an element of chance or a wild card. The joker in the deck of playing cards creates and extends the drama. In the end, it is all play. There's nothing to worry about. Play along.

The greatest role the joker plays is in the lives of those who seek spiritual enlightenment. You can get far up that mountain but eventually the joker will reappear and challenge you. Why are you doing this? What do you think you are going to get out of this other than glorifying yourself and personal satisfaction? You may have gotten up the mountain and received your white robe, maybe fooled yourself and others, but every part of you came along on this hike. Are you going to deny them like Peter did Jesus three times in the garden of Gethsemane? Are you going to declare your true self the higher spiritual calling you pursued and attained and relegate the other parts of you to non-status? You’ll be a fraud and you know it. Your impulses and desires aren’t going to leave you alone; they will keep haranguing you. 

You play it small when you take the shiny right hand path and glorify the self. Curiously, the fame and fortune fool you into thinking you are larger than life. The ego gets satisfaction but the joker has the last laugh. The dull left hand path of service, the one that required you to turn down the opportunities and overtures of the world, shows you each act of service lifts up the whole, and glorifies us all. It's the all in gambit, playing it large, like cosmically huge, but will never admit to it. Perceptually, we recognize the self and are naturally attracted to self-improvement. To find balance is to be of service to the all and elevate not only the self but everyone else along with it. Everybody gets to climb to the top of the mountain and then walk back down hand in hand. 

teacher plants and enchantment

The first thing I noticed about the master plant teachers is how hypnotic and enchanting the ceremony can be at times. This circumstance set off alarm bells in my head as I was pretty wary of being put under a spell and I thus fought it on and off for nine Ayahuasca ceremonies until I finally learned to let go. The first time I ever drank was a pretty special occasion and I noticed immediately how enchanting the plants can be. The mystery and allure of the ceremony was strong and after a few hours I kind of wanted off the ride for the night, as I had lost control, and I didn’t like that part of the experience. Overall it was so profound I knew I’d be back for more. The second time I drank was so strange and had a sinister feeling to it. The hypnotic trance confusion was off the charts and to this day six years later I can barely describe it and I have a hard time reforming the perception of it in my mind's eye. It frankly escapes capture by memory or words. The only thing that jars it back into my consciousness is if I drink Ayahuasca and I follow the darkness. The feeling returns and then I remember. This happened more than once and I would try and leave myself notes within the ceremony to not drink Ayahuasca again because of this darkness. I eventually moved past this block after finally heeding the advice of the maestro to not engage the mind, stay in the heart, and to just listen to the plants. I had to do it my way though and take a bunch of knocks to the head before heeding the knowledge and instruction given to me. It’s a wonder I stayed with it because any sane person would have tapped out and said enough of this. This isn’t fun. Something however kept me going. You know when I finally made it through to the other side of this darkness it was an incredible feeling of accomplishment and a great achievement in my life for which I am forever grateful. I mean the strength, courage, and perseverance I showed to get to that level was something I didn’t think I had in me.

Last month when I spent a night alone in the desert with the master plant teacher Peyote, I was able to revisit this darkness from a detached point of view, examine it, and let it go. It is a good example of what I experienced that night with Peyote as the teachings were very no nonsense and straight forward, showing me how I reacted to the situation, engaged my mind, and then spun the whole encounter. I was the one who assigned it the context of fear and wanted to run from my dark side. I had wanted to explore my dark side and when given that opportunity I ran, which then instigated some serious soul searching within and a journey to conquer my fears through cultivating strength and courage. In the immediate chaos of the experience I faced the decision to fight or flight. I chose flight, I ran, and then in retreat had a decision to make. Do I spend the rest of my life a coward or do I get up off the mat and face my inner demons?

I recently had an epiphany on the way to work. The second time I drank Ayahuasca, the dark and hypnotic ceremony, I also encountered this strange being. I went down into the visionary subterranean realms and came across this darkness. He was sleepy, sitting cross legged in a lotus position, had a thin moustache, and when he spoke it came spatially from my left and he said “Apollo, Apollo, Apollo” in a whispered tone. It freaked me the fuck out and I ran. It was the quintessential WTF moment! The feeling just prior to coming into contact with this being was a weaving of a magic spell designed to confuse so you couldn’t easily find your way back to this strange place. Above me was this spinning of what I think were the four symbols of a deck of cards in this green and off pink environment. It was a realm designed to stay hidden but I was allowed in for a peek, though afterwards I was pretty adamant I didn’t want to go back to that place where my darkness resided. Let’s put the lid back on it! Actually nothing sinister happened during this visit. The fear I conjured up all by myself as a reaction to coming face to face with what I called my dark side. The next ceremony another malevolent being I did come into contact with and I have always conflated it with the being that manifested in the second ceremony. I guess it is because my intention was to come into contact with my dark side and so I did in the second ceremony but my dark side is the obfuscated part of me that is a trickster, demands to play or makes you suffer outburst of uncontrollable passions and vices, and is the great actor. Referencing the four suits in a deck of cards I finally figured out this entity is the joker in the pack and basically the joker is the pot stirrer, the one who creates and moves the play along when things get too comfortable. We all try to build a life that eliminates the nasties, but this game doesn’t work in that way. I had no reason to be afraid of my dark side; I just chose to be. I brought it upon myself because I wanted to believe it was scary when thinking back now I did not need to react the way I did.

I think why the ceremonies are hypnotic is part of a lesson. You see the greatest spell upon us all is the culture spell and the only hope to break free of that spell is to demonstrate to you how enchantment works. So the plants enchant you, challenge you, and if you are strong you move past it. If you run from or bury this knowledge, then it owns you. Through this experience you then see how society has done the same and you see through the bullshit. You laugh and are incredulous at the things people fall for. It’s funny, if not tragic. 

dragon tales

The rise of the dragon is given its impetus by the suppression of the feminine. It is the response of a downtrodden feminine class in order to highlight the need to bring everything to centre. The dragon epitomizes destruction. Men want to build a society based on reason and logic and out of this hope to create a utopia. A dysfunctional utopia though; you see there’s a severe imbalance in this construct that does not integrate love, wisdom, and intuition but instead triumphs reason and the suppression of all others. The eventual response of the feminine is to release the dragon from the depths in order to harass man into waking up to the sad truth that all his progress will eventually destroy him unless he becomes inclusive. The dragon was always there at the behest of the feminine, chained to the world axis, to keep the masculine in check. So Apollo came and killed the Python at Delphi, the Greek designation of the Axis Mundi, and ushered in our age of reason.

Apollo killing Python. A 1581 engraving by Virgil Solis for Ovid's Metamorphoses, Book I.

But did he kill the dragon or did he mistakenly unchain it through killing it at Delphi? Apollo was to rid man of his psyche and celebrate reason and logic; the Spock within all true unemotional and unattached men! Unbeknownst to the great Apollo, the dragon is also an indestructible part of the psyche and came back, this time unchained. It’s a gambit introduced by the feminine to reclaim what is lost; to scream at the masculine to realize he can’t go on this way. You will destroy all. There is a need to cage the dragon once again now that we and our progress have chartered many courses - environmental, economic, and nuclear war that will usher in the end of civilization and well how do we do that? By bringing balance back into the equation. To get back to centre. The best and the brightest resources we have go towards finding more clever ways to destroy ourselves. Killing the dragon will not solve the problem but inclusiveness will and that goes for the dragon as well. Welcome him back into society and use his awesome power to protect the weak and downtrodden among us. The sages of the east figured out a way to use the impressive yang power of the dragon long ago.

This external metaphor is mirroring my own inner world. I have met this dragon within. It terrified me and I ran from it. I have tried to suppress it but eventually I will have to deal with it. I need to integrate all parts of my psyche. I can’t suppress this shadow part of me forever. Use the template as described above to find the centre. Find inner peace and include the dragon in this wholeness.

I went on a bit of a long journey and confronted the dragon along the way, about half way through my sojourn. You want to find ‘yourself’, well guess what? The dragon is a part of that self you are on a journey to discover. I didn’t like that part so I ran from it, ran all the way home and he chased me home, sinisterly calling me Apollo. Back on home ice I was able to regroup and recover from the severe beatdown the dragon gave me. And then he came at me again and I had to summon my allies to help me subdue the bastard so he wouldn’t bother me again in order to finish my spiritual climb. He has left me alone and I completed the climb up the mountain last year.

Two of the plant medicines that helped me on this journey are Ayahuasca and Huachuma. Ayahuasca put me in touch with all the disparate parts of my psyche that are a reflection of the corpus we call self. It’s like a prism that refracted the white light of the unified mind into different light vibrations and from this I saw desire, I saw love, I saw reason, I saw destruction, I saw chaos, I saw intuition, and I saw madness. If I couldn’t have handled it I don’t think I would have been drawn to it, in fact I sure wouldn’t have gone back for a round 2 after the dragon stomped on me. Huachuma on the other hand did the opposite. It showed me the white light and the glory of self. It took all those disparate parts revealed by Ayahuasca and combined them into a harmonious one. Huachuma taught me to be aware and observe. The psyche will take that awareness and assign context, feelings, and give rise to action as we act on the desire lighting us up. When this becomes madness I know I can always return to the white light and find the way out. I see this clearly now. I felt very disillusioned when I completed the climb up the mountain last year; in a way you expect more. Don’t I get to be exalted now? But I already had everything; I just had to go on a journey to remember that forgotten part.

So why all of this and why the journey? Because I want to learn about all my parts that are diffracted through the prism of separation as well as the whole. I am the all as the white light, so I break it all down so I can examine it. I am Eros. I am the Goddess. I am Apollo. I am the dragon. I am the Moon, I am crazy. I am the joker.

I stood at the top of the mountain and realized I can’t stay there. I needed to come down the mountain and I knew on my way down I could be of service and teach love and togetherness. While coming down the mountain I have also learned the journey isn’t over. I was able to get up the mountain because I could get to a state of primal awareness and leave the mess behind. I never quite reconciled all my constituent parts. I embraced most of them but buried the dragon, but he is still there and will need to be integrated into the whole. I left that one out. I’m heading back into the world of feeling with Love amped up and it’s time to be inclusive of all parts of my psyche including the ones I ran from. That’s the impetus behind this game to begin with. Discovery. The last great discovery is the mythical dragon. Why is it a part of me and why is it included in the all?

I think I answered this at the beginning of this post. The dragon is necessary because the divine masculine is stronger than the divine feminine. When the masculine subjugates the feminine then the dragon is loosed from its chains and destroys the edifice the man of supreme reason has created and the game starts again anew. Another go round learning about unity while in a state of separation.