seriously

In your mid-50s comes a test of the serpent goddesses to see if you are still virile.

Yeah, that's it, that's a reality.

What reality is that?

It's a reality the ancient Egyptians created.

How?

Through belief.

It's magic.

They were the most skilled in magic.

Do you think their magic involves only amulets, words of power, and a show?

I think that is part of it.

That gets the buy-in to belief.

Ceremony and ritual get the participants in the mind state which allows magic to happen.

Is that what happens in a plant medicine ceremonial circle?

Yes, everyone shares in the coming altered state.

The ancient Egyptians were using the same trance technology to create realities.

This is also rave technology.

You tune in to the DJ and their music, and everyone has a shared experience.

It's a different world.

So, what is this explaining?

Vibrational frequencies of being.

The captured human mind operates in a tight frequency that is the dominant narrative of those who control reality.

Who controls reality?

Those who are in charge.

Who is in charge?

The people who are in power.

Who are they?

Generally, the ones with the most money.

They set the agenda for the world, and we follow along.

It's the world order.

To change reality, you must get control of the world and shape it to your liking.

Reality is overlaid upon the physical structure.

So, you're the saying the physicality of the world is baked in?

In a physical sense, yes.

It's the container which allows realities to flourish.

Outside the container, you are unintelligible.

The trick is to operate within the permissible bounds of what is plausible.

You step outside of that, and it is madness.

Okay, but isn't the idea of two serpent goddesses coming to test your virility as you age and determine whether you live or die a little far-fetched?

It appears to be.

Why does it work?

It is grounded in this reality.

A magician takes the preposterous and adds a ground to it.

In this case the ancient Egyptian magicians took the idea of Goddess as a serpent and created a festival where they tested out the virility of the pharaoh in a recurring jubilee, they called the Heb-Sed.

It ensured the pharaoh was still fit enough to rule.

Everyone believed in it.

Oh, I'm sure there were some who doubted it.

Yes, those are society's outcasts who are forced out to the fringe or expelled completely.

A system has built into it a mechanism to expel non-conformists.

It's a top priority of any reality generating system.

Why is that?

Because an alternate reality can catch on like wildfire, burn down the current reality, and place a new reality in its place.

Christianity was such a brush fire.

It wasn't stamped out by the authorities.

Well, they tried, but the mechanism behind Christianity was ingenious because the more they tried to stamp it out, the hotter it burned.

Martyrs fuelled the cause.

It got out of control and took over.

Constantine the Great recognized it and instead of fighting it, he made a deal with those in charge of the movement.

He was enlightened in the sense he knew he couldn't fight Christianity and thus absorbed it.

Once given power, Christianity then stomped out its rivals.

Yeah, I see that.

That's how it works.

Thanks for the history lesson.

Well, it's important to be cognizant of history so when you do understand how the carnival works, you can put the pieces together.

Yeah, I see that, though no one is going to believe this.

Is it important that they believe what you write?

No, I don't think so.

Why would you care?

For validation, I guess.

Do you need validation from those immersed within society?

Hmm, no because then I'd be mainstream and assimilated, however, getting someone to take your ideas seriously helps as a check on madness.

Is that what you want?

Good question.

Alright, let's play it out.

You are taken seriously.

What does that entail?

I'd have to explain myself.

How are you going to do that?

I think I'd need to document my process of discovery.

What does that involve?

A mid-life crisis of belief.

Well, not belief per se, I didn't have any, but I wanted to discover the origins of belief in human societies.

This was a massive undertaking, and I didn't back down.

I educated myself.

I travelled to faraway places.

I read a ton of books.

Took classes.

Collected information.

That was the beginning stage.

Eventually, I hit on the idea of shamanism and altered states.

I then entered the experiential phase where I immersed myself in that world.

It was difficult, but I kept returning.

There was something to it.

I didn't know what, other than that I should keep going back and trying to figure it out.

Repetition worked and then I saw it.

Saw what?

A carnival and how meaning is derived from the carnival.

You make it up.

It's belief.

The origin of beliefs is from seeing a game, and the game is to make up your beliefs and then get everyone else to believe them.

That's pretty funny.

So, if I get people to take me seriously, they will find out I am the most unserious person in the world.

That's a paradox.

Taking you seriously would collapse the seriousness of this reality.

Yes, that's the result of getting people to take my ideas seriously.

So, you don't want that?

It's impossible.

If you take my ideas seriously you will collapse reality into a madhouse of unseriousness.

In other words, I can't be taken seriously.

getting close to the goddess

Who would have thought the goofy recreational plant would be the veiled greatest teacher plant?

I am confident in saying I have made it closest to the Goddess.

Nobody gets this far.

Except me.

Is it worth it?

Yes.

Others may disagree.

Why don't women get close to the Goddess?

They get sidetracked by the witch.

They love that character.

They get a taste of power, and they stop exploring.

I got a taste of that power from a witch.

I was able to figure out the two sides of her and not be scared.

Witches want your knowledge.

The Goddess doesn't need your knowledge.

I get my knowledge from her.

Spiritual knowledge.

Medicinal and life advice.

The witches could get spiritual knowledge from the Goddess, but they don't know how to do it.

They see you with that knowledge and they want your knowledge.

So, they're trying to get to the Goddess?

Yeah, just like men try to get to God.

Why is it so difficult for them?

When I wanted to find the Goddess, I started out on the path and then she let me know where to find her.

It took some initial study, but it wasn't that hard.

It's the same for God and Goddess.

It's not that hard to get to them.

We just make it hard.

It's hard for a woman to get to the Goddess because she puts all these conditions and blocks in the way.

Oh, she must do what I did.

Just declare it.

Say you're the Goddess.

That's really all you must do.

Does that apply to you?

Do you need others' validation?

I can't accept it; I find it strange.

I'd prefer just to know.

I don't need others to tell me.

Sometimes, they see it.

It manifests in different forms.

Different people see different things.

I don't take myself seriously.

However, I do know thyself.

Use your time wisely at the Hotel California.

The Goddess shows you how she is accessible to all.

Some want to remember her charms.

Some want to run away.

They can leave but she will always be there.

She wants you to try and get away from her.

You can't and so she traps you.

Instead, you play her game.

She can't leave you.

You made sure of that.

It is chess, right?

It's something.

Prisoners of the mind.

Your downfall is thinking you are the victim of a witch.

The other side of the coin is you are who the witch was afraid she'd eventually run into.

The Goddess can put dark thoughts into your head.

Since you're the champion player you balance them.

The idea is in your head, so you play with it.

You know your limits.

A good sub knows their limits.

If not, the predator will kill them.

The poison is the idea then you write the story.

The royal serpents use poison that feels good at first.

You know it won't be good for you, however you don't do anything about it.

Then it eats at you from the inside.

You recognize the poison.

If you can recognize the poison, then you stop it.

You can be fed a similar poison from two diverse sources or more.

That's why the poison was strong even though you are good at the game.

What have you been thinking about today?

I am thinking of the Goddess and her myriad of problems.

She's got a lot of problems.

They are irrational.

I can't even offer solutions.

I think I just have to show up.

I think if you're there providing support that's what they want.

Women don't want you to solve their problems.

Their problems are insoluble.

I'm a problem solver.

That's my best attribute at work.

If you're the best problem solver in the world then you would attempt to solve the Great Goddess' problems.

Good luck buddy.

I'll see you later.

serpent strikes

The Goddess and her many avatars. I got a front row seat.

Ayahuasca was exciting. Ayahuasca scared me but I was intrigued. I didn't run away from the experience; I learned how to tame her. I treated Ayahuasca like one of my relationships. That's what I do. I can see it. Then once I tamed her, I lost interest. She's still around but I played around with others.

She is Ayahuasca. She is a drug that gets me high. I'd do whatever it takes to get that high. Then came the terrible low. Then came understanding. Now I wonder, is she my Goddess or a demon?

I am the casual destroyer. I cause upset in my choices though I mean well. My path of destruction is subtle but still deadly.

The Goddess can be a dragon as well. And when the game is afoot, she can be cruel and play for the win. She won. She crushed me. She wasn't going to relinquish the upper hand and so dropped the hammer. Resiliency saved me.

Trust the process. It's on repeat. You have faced similar, and it had to play out. You faced the darkness within the masculine and stood up to him. You fought back and didn't capitulate. Eventually, there was reconciliation. Can you see the same now or do you think it is wishful thinking? The darkness within the feminine plays a different game. They aren't going to directly punch you in the face but will take you down with their own brand of guile and poison. They want to psychologically hurt and damage you to the point where you run away from them. They will be satisfied with that result and include you in their body count of corpses who deserved their fate.

Remember you had to do this with the masculine, and you know you would not exchange that path for any other. Look with clarity where you are in your life and what is unfolding. The venom inflicted by the feminine works in a different way. The strike will try to encompass and snuff you out with a constrictive hold on all of you. Find the antidote. You know what it is but in this case you use it on yourself. The serpent will recoil and go internal as well. It's going to be a long haul, but you'll one day look back and smile at the journey you chose and once again not trade it for the world.

The reconciliation with the masculine was an internal struggle. The feminine is external. She can strike and run but she will never get away. There must be a reckoning. You know your strengths and not to poke her with a stick. Let her be and show by example how you can rise above who she thinks the masculine is. Show her you are divine. The misdirection should be obvious. Your darkness is singled out and the focus is put on you. It's a good game to prevent the light from being turned on her darkness. I'm not sure if she knows what is taking place and is just weaving a web of confusion.

I want to cry out that I don't know her. I don't know who this is. In truth, I do know. I've seen it and here it is, in my face. I want all of it. I want to face it all. The hurricane is coming and I'm not running for shelter. The destruction lays waste to ignorance and makes room for more knowledge and the subsequent lessons to follow.

The most difficult part of the fight is I'm in love with her. She's playing the part of adversary and for keeps. She wants to punish and destroy me to the point where I'm left a burnt-out husk. I want to hate her, but I just let it slide. Feed me your venom and watch as not reacting to the poison is the antidote. Keep her in my heart and use her power of love to get through to her.

Finding reconciliation is uniting the internal divine within the self. The domination of either half is going to leave you in a continual state of disharmony. The ever-coming darkness will reappear and force you to flee in a cycle that is on repeat. You will light a fire and leave a trail of destruction in your wake. Free of the blaze you find a temporary peace. Eventually, the fire catches up with you and sets your world ablaze once again. The easy way out is to run. The difficult path is to face the oncoming inferno and transform within the fires of hell.

Following the painful flow revealed to me what it is I seek. Letting the hurt come and pull me under eventually allowed me to emerge once again and with grace start an integration of knowledge which would lead to the understanding I search and long for. I never would have figured out the vibration mystery and the role of cycles within our lives without pain.

intentions

My intention: Walk the path of the heart. Whoa. It just hit me hard. That's what I'm doing. This sucks. The course puts you through the wringer. "Teach me to love." Okay, you asked for it.

The serpent as the Goddess takes her place at the top of the tapestry encircling the jaguar.

She is in her divine and exalted place. The pinnacle of the spiritual path is the path of the heart. After completing the various grades and assignments you enter into the last phase of the journey. The path of the heart. It sounds like bliss and a reward for the long climb. I was ready to open my heart and love all. Bring it on.

I went to Peru in January to drink a lot of Huachuma and let my heart shine. My beatitude awaited as I completed a ten-year plant medicine odyssey in addition to fulfilling a quest I started at middle-age. I've got the knowledge. I have understanding and a little bit of wisdom. I answered the questions about existence. The wisdom lessons said I'll never have all the answers nor will the seeking end - there's always more. The burning questions were answered, and I turned towards my heart. The Goddess was the catalyst for my plant medicine experiences and she is the one who made me come back for more, especially when times get tough, I was scared, and wanted to run far away.

My perception of the path of the heart and reality were at odds. This course is the toughest of them all, but it turns out I was predestined for a tough time because I don't know how to love. This deficiency meant starting from the bottom and re-experiencing the mistakes from my youth which had the result of locking away my heart. I had to go through the process once again and all the old feelings of despair returned. My go to was to lock her away. My heart was breaking, and I couldn't go through the pain. I soon realized that wasn't what I had been taught. My plant medicine journeys allowed me to release my heart from the castle made of gold; a castle my alter-ego the Dragon had constructed and locked her away in. My seeking and plant medicine use was a multi-year project to free her and here I was at the first sign of love trauma ready to lock her up. I got past this lesson, maybe a D+ as I wanted to imprison my heart, but I knew better.

So, I had to face a familiar heartbreak and despair. I had to project into the future a life without the one I had fallen in love with. I had to contemplate loss and how I'd never get back with her. I spent the nights longing. Why can't she remember how good we are together and come back to me? Why did her feelings change? What did I do? I hate this. This emptiness is killing me.

I forgot I was walking the path of the heart. I was walking the path of personal sorrow and seeing the collapse of my world. When I finally accepted the loss, I stood at my Mesa, and she looked at me and reminded me I'm walking the path of the heart. This is what I asked for and I was getting it. It's the toughest course. You're a good student Paul. You are going to do well, though you will fail parts of this course. Remember, this is what you asked for. The next night is when I looked at the serpent jaguar tapestry and saw her over all. She's the best and allows you to lock her away as part of the teaching. To the aspiring student she then sends you off to slay the dragon so you can make the discovery you are the dragon. You are the one who imprisons her. She sacrifices self to teach you. I've got this far and now see it. Why did you lock me away Paul?

I cried. I did it because my love is possessive. I need you and will do anything to hold on to you. You will leave me because I'm not good enough, so I must imprison you. By making myself jailer I also imprison myself. I create a mess out of everything because I don't know what love is. I think I do, yet my actions prove otherwise. One taste of you and I will spend the rest of my days trying to get back with you. You showed me this clearly during my first ever Ayahuasca experience. I didn't understand it at the time, but I see it completely now.

Teach me to love Goddess.

Love must flow freely and without conditions. If love is tied to conditions, it's not true love. Do you see it? You may think it is love but it will spoil and wither on the vine. It won't last because conditions will change. The lessons affect us all and how you get the lesson is dependent on your circumstance. You chose to be a man this time and so you get to see it from this perspective. If you chose woman, then you will see how attaching conditions to love you in exchange for security is indeed a vexing problem to overcome.

As my previous life course concluded I was told to kill myself in order to live. The rub was I didn't know how to live. The pandemic hit and I was given three years grace to ready myself for the destruction of my life. When life resumed, I dutifully followed the path that was laid out for me and saw my destruction was nearing. Events unfolded, and this external force ignited the wick upon a bomb that would go off. This time there was no way out. The story of my life arced towards freeing myself of my lifetime of self-inflicted chains. The freedom from my mediocre life was waiting for me and I walked to the edge of the cliff. Everything fell apart in my world before I jumped. Instead of liberation, I retreated to a world of hurt and then was witness to an external world that was grappling with change and destruction. I sat with my misery and felt the pain envelope me. My sentence was two months until I found the answers I was searching for after I slowly let things go. The Goddess proactively instructs in the path of the heart course, and she was waiting for me to get over myself. She looked into my eyes and asked if I was now ready.

I see it. My shadow closed the last course by telling me to kill myself in order to live. As with all divine advice, I didn't understand it at first. I thought it meant to blow it all up and walk away free. This rallying call was preparing me to walk the path of the heart. Myself is the one who builds the prison. My fear of losing others and feeling the pain of heartbreak and loss causes me to imprison my heart. As the jailer, I cage myself because someone must watch her. I had to do this one more time, see it play out, and then understand why it happens. Killing myself means letting go of possessiveness. In order to be free I must let others be free and not create dependencies.

I have received the lesson loud and clear. The Great Goddess - my heart and my mother - is the teacher of the most important class that you will need to graduate from the University of Higher Consciousness. I've enrolled and got my ass kicked first semester. I'm a good student, not a quitter, and I know I will continue on, all the better, for the lessons learned from the ultimate school of hard knocks. 

experiential

My pulsing energy within is the intertwined feminine Serpent and the masculine Jaguar. This is the conjunction of power where earth meets sky and the sun and moon energies collide. The Hindu chakra system of ascension of the earth based feminine Kundalini serpent tells half of this eternal story. The masculine energy as a bull or feline descends into our sacred vessels from the sky. The meeting place of these two lovers is in the centre, the fourth chakra, which is the heart chakra.

It’s through the use of psychedelic substances that I was able to sense this eternal truth and subsequently make the connection to ancient spiritual paths. Consciousness altering methods allow the human access to obfuscated sense perceptions normally unavailable to us.

The ascension of the serpent gives rise to achievement and spurs on the masculine goal of enlightenment of our physical form. The descending of the masculine energy as spirit is the energy to rouse the sleeping serpent. I experienced this in an Ayahuasca ceremony where I envisioned my crown chakra being permanently opened and the white light continuously entering and lighting up the seven energy centres in a continual process as each chakra lit up with its respective colour. It was during a Vilca experience a year and a half later where I witnessed these eternal and imperishable beings made of love and powered by ever-transforming light. It’s only now that I finally connected these two visions. The beings were composed of the love of the Goddess and the light of the God. This is what is described and experienced in moments of rapture when the Kundalini rises up the Ida channel after the spirit descends the Pingala to rouse and propitiate her. A third plant medicine, Huachuma, first allowed me to physically experience this phenomenon, though at the time I was gobsmacked. The second time I drank Huachuma, the energy within was potentiated and I became lit up with power and disoriented to the novel experience. My whole body was shaking with an intense electrical charge and my heart was fluttering with a tremendous energy load. I closed my eyes and saw an intense ball of white light surrounded by two larger than life serpents. I was experiencing the full effects of the chakra cycle, lit up by the light and the power of the Kundalini serpent. Subsequently with Huachuma, I can experience intense states of an energetic load as I am a conduit for the pulsing of the two eternal energies of the universe. I can also experience this reaction within as a burning hot passionate flame that radiates from my being. I close my eyes and I see smouldering colours of an intensity that is combustible.

The great pre-Columbian South American civilization at Chavín de Huántar, which used the sacrament of Huachuma to build community, deserves a second look in conjunction with the principles ascertained in the chakra system of the Hindus. This post Bronze Age civilization marked a high point and probably the last flicker of a flame of human co-operation before we devolved into a race defined by conflict. Chavín represented the axis mundi and is where the confluence of elemental energies and cultures converged. It is in the stone idol we call the lanzon that the two eternal energies of the feminine serpent and the masculine jaguar come together as one representing the same love and light captured in stone as I detailed above. In addition, the designation of Chavín comes from the transposition of a Quechua word chapin via the root word chaupi which refers to the heart in the middle of this grand reconciliation of all in this great temple in the Peruvian highlands. The connections to the Hindu chakras are tantalizing and helps understand the teachings. The serpent and jaguar, one rising and one falling, meet in the middle at the heart chakra. Our human potential, powered by the rising Kundalini becomes conjoined with the descent into the human of our spiritual potential which then meet in the heart space. We can experience rapture with the rising energy while the spiritual energy comes to awaken our eternal self and lift us up.

I’ve experienced this, seen it at work, and then saw my destiny as an imperishable and eternal being made of the love of the serpent and the ever-transforming light of the jaguar. I finally added it up and can now clearly see it.

Within my own European heritage this same knowledge has been preserved in myth. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs representing the feminine presence within the seven energy centres along with the Prince who awakens Sleeping Beauty from her sleep being the masculine power giving the feminine the power to wake up and rise.

This experience of the energy within is real and palpable. I invite us all to go on the most magnificent journey of discovery that will lead to revealing your destiny. 

desire and liberation

A circle is a continuous on and off pulse with an arc to make it more interesting. The circle defines existence. There’s no beginning nor end. It’s a continuous loop of coming and going. What happens when you tire of the ceaseless coming and going? There is harmony between the circuitous body of the feminine serpent that creates the playground for the masculine jaguar. Without one another, the construct falls apart. One supplies the energy needed for the other to create form. A positive charge and a negative charge that become inactive without each other. There is a natural magnetism between the two that results in energetic form. Is that where ultimately all desire comes from? Is desire the principle of magnetic force and the trick is to draw you in closer to the field of attraction? Is our desire a smaller and nuanced derivative of magnetism? Do hypnosis and spells fall into this paradigm as well?

The dark side of the feminine is energy used in order to manipulate events to be in their favour. Seduction is the main method of enabling the results they desire. A great deal of women do realize this at some point in their coming of age and by being able to take full advantage of this power, they get what they want. Masculine energy seems predestined to fall for the gambit and appears helpless in falling into the trap. They become entranced by the desire for the shiny object and chase the excitation. As with all things, the desire and hypnosis of the moment will pass and then you are left with now what? Eros pulled off another great game! There’s the feeling engendered and enforced by culture that you owe the other person due to the irrational result of the chase. It’s pretty onerous, yet the activity continues as the chase and desire are too strong for the human to control. It works both ways. The feminine is validated by being wanted and the masculine by collecting the object. And on and on it goes. The exciter and attractor of untapped energy.

The master teacher lays this bare on the road towards liberation. The only way you will see it is through experience and taking off the rose-coloured glasses. Fear is what ultimately drives this behaviour as it involves a need to feel safe and secure as well as a need for cultural validation. Contractual bondage due to external pressure fueled by an irrational decision as the result of desire. If you mix in sexual thrills with desire fulfillment then you have the recipe for a great game. It’s pretty clear sexual desire is the magic ingredient to elevate any fetish or rash decision to pathological extremes. The dark web is a catalog of validation for this assertion. Furthermore, marriage is definitively the pathological outcome of desire. Sometimes, I make myself laugh! To be fair, it's an exemplary human construct ideal for creating familiar bonds that are quite extraordinary.

So, am I cautioning entering into or even denouncing relationships? Well no, they're what keeps the circle formed, the world spinning, and engendering a new generation of players of this great game. Whether any player will stop and take a look inward at the guts of this behaviour is fascinating in itself. Ultimately, an all-encompassing point is being ascertained, experimented with, or proven and it is what is stronger? Desire or wanting to be liberated? Desire is the supreme test in the master course; realizing this and wanting to successfully complete the master's degree means coming to terms with its machinations and effects. Temporary liberation gives you a pretty good realization of what it is like to be free while in opposition you see how people are all lit up by desire, which gives them the impetus to move forward in life. The root cause of a lot of suffering involves desire in that a loss of desire leads to depression while not getting what you desire leads to frustration and a feeling of failure. Desire leads to multiple attachments, which will weigh you down. Even family structures are engendered by desire and though familial relationships transcend base desire they still have as their foundation the construct of desire. As I mentioned above, humans do have the capacity to transform behaviours into exemplary social constructs, though the failure rate remains high.

What I think I’m getting at is this: Desire leads to being imprisoned in a jail cell of your own making, often wondering how you got there. Liberation is freeing yourself from these attachments and acting as independently as possible, recognizing the differences between wants and desires. We all got to eat, right? Being conscious of these polarities tempers expectations in that you will never reach the pinnacle of liberation until death nor will you fully sink into your desires without destroying yourself which curiously leads towards liberation through death. So, life’s path stops at the door of liberation. Do we take the path towards liberation now or do we wait until the full stop of death?

Desire is not something to defeat in this go around on the wheel. The class is about mastery. Take the blows but steady the course and remain in charge. Once in charge, the teacher will also tell you to give that up. The path towards liberation leads to the final power boss. The other side of power is liberation and cultivating freedom within one’s life leads towards never being subject to power, chasing it, or being dominated by it ever again. Strength in liberation eclipses power.

acceleration and deceleration

The dream I had a week ago Saturday night will leave me food for thought for quite a while as it was a full plate. During the day, the weather and sunshine contributed to the first spring like day of the year and I spent a great deal of time outside, all the while smoking away on Mapacho. For those unfamiliar with the tobacco maestro, he is a potentiator of dreams, always reminding me that Ayahuasca visions and dreams are of the same world.

So, here’s the dream: I had been hanging out with three other people in a remote location; the identity of the those with me were generic, no one familiar. This particular evening, I went to a sacred spot of visions. There was no catalyst needed; instead you peered into this darkness and it became visionary. With me during this occasion was one of the women. She peered in and then encouraged me to do so. The visions were kaleidoscopic and abstract in nature. I commented that I wished I could record what I am seeing through the auspices of my mind that is interpreting the energy in this portal. The woman with me was talking to me about these revelations and how she needed to show others this place of wonder. She then became part of the experience and started directly communicating with me without speech. I have previously experienced this modality of communication during Ayahuasca ceremonies with the Great Goddess. Eventually, I felt the woman I was in communion with merge into me until she squeezed my chest and heart so much I felt smothered and couldn’t breathe. I physically felt these sensations though I was dreaming which eventually woke me up. The suffocation stopped once I stopped struggling and accepted the hug. When I came to, I was in a wtf state for a bit before I started trying to comprehend the dream. I wasn’t scared though I had some adrenaline flowing from the experience and recurring tingles throughout my body because of the excitement. It was a bit of a shock however a testament to my experience on this path that I did not get frightened or have some kind of panic about what transpired but instead I experienced recurring chills in regards to how real it was. Mapacho makes the dream so real it makes me question the reality I live in. I have indeed dreamt before a dream that fingered Mapacho as the potentiator of the mental energy behind this reality we think is really real.

I have a few initial takeaways from the dream. The major one was the feminine spirit I felt merge with me and squeeze me like a constrictor. I tried to figure out who she represents but, in the end, I think she is an amalgamation of the feminine divine. The dream is showing me the underlying desire of the feminine to possess. They want to hold on so tight and sometimes it leads to smothering. Lately, I have been marvelling at the symbol of the serpent for the feminine because of how in life too much love can lead to feeling suffocated much like a boa constrictor would squeeze the life out of you. The way out is not to avoid love but to let it happen. Let the serpent constrictor have her embrace, celebrate her love, find balance, and proceed to once again disengage and go your separate ways. I also thought about the human custom of hugging and how it uniquely captures the instinct to love, squeeze, and possess. Further clarity on that dream is I remember an Ayahuasca ceremony in 2016 where the Goddess as a green boa entered into my body and took up residence in me. I’d have to believe then the woman with me at the visionary site was her. She was reminding me of the need to stay heart strong on this path.

Another takeaway is something intuitive where I have noticed the feminine has this occult power resident within that I’m not sure they even understand. It is magical and sends out vibrations that are intent upon enchantment. I say this because of certain women I meet who I know become interested in the vibe I put out and in turn they want to possess it. I don’t say this in terms of self-aggrandizement or wanting to give myself an ego boost but instead recognize it for what it is. Ultimately, I am walking a path that has to remember liberation is the key ingredient. I believe the dream represents an obstacle on the path being the tendency of the feminine to ensnare, not in a devious and plotting manner, but in a loving way and this makes you give up the path towards the answer to the mystery and parallel journey that calls out to you. You sacrifice the odyssey to tend to the needs of the feminine archetype which is to create family. In parallel, men also have an instinct to possess, we like to collect things, which in turn enslaves us. I remember a Ram Dass talk teaching the way out of this behaviour. It’s to treat all as the beloved instead of continuously collecting individual manifestations of the beloved. My first cycle of work with Ayahuasca in 2013 dealt with this very predicament. The masculine energy I was in communion with was presenting as a madman and was spouting off about the feminine in a very misogynist tone. I remember sitting there in the dark in the middle of the jungle listening to this and wondering what I had got myself into? I was being told the subjugation of the feminine was because of her charms that took the man repeatedly away from his reason for being here in form in the repeat of his incarnation. To walk the path of the hero was thwarted by settling down into domestic hell. I didn’t know it at the time but this appearance of a madman was just one of the ways the divine masculine can manifest in vision. Sometimes, he’s stark raving mad, pulsing with energy, and other times he’s a wise grandfather. I now celebrate them all. At that particular time, he came on in this way to teach me the lesson. Well, that and to chase me away to see if I had the courage and fortitude to return and take up my sword of liberation.

The thing about the hero’s journey calling out to you is that it leads to liberation of not only the masculine spirit within but will also free the feminine from the masculine’s desire to possess. When the masculine pursues the feminine he becomes a collector, and being the stronger of the two powers he ends up locking her up in a castle made of gold or in some cultures she is veiled and never let out without being escorted by her husband or brothers. The path of freedom leads to extricating oneself from cultural constructs and at the same time making this freedom available to all.

I also recall Ram Dass telling a story where his guru Maharaji-ji told him he should be alone. I don’t have a Maharaji but I do know I need to be alone. The pitfall is that if I spend too much time alone I become destructive so once again it leads me towards seeking balance. Then the scales tip in the other direction and I have to extricate myself out of the ensuing predicament. Ram Dass further explained this advice with the caveat that though he should be alone, contradictory he should be with others. What this advice is getting at are the subjects of freedom and attachment. You can be around others and enjoy them however do not get attached. You’ll sacrifice your freedom on the altar of possessive love or co-opt your ideals to fit in with the group and it’s game over. The journey comes to a sudden stop. Maybe next time you’ll beat the game. Therein lies the rub. There’s always a next time so we fall into the trap and say we have come far in this incarnation and we’ll get them next time. There’re no guarantees. I got a good roll of the dice this time around thus being on to the game, I think I should see it through to where it is leading me this time around.

Overall, the dream is forcing me to concretize what I already know. The impetus of the dream is to get me to examine the nature of the universe and develop my thoughts into a coherent structure that unlocks the mystery of just what is. It’s the next lesson on the path where I knew the masculine was energetic outpouring but the feminine was a mysterious power that entrapped the masculine in order to create form. I wasn’t sure of the mystery. I got it now. The epiphany followed the dream. The energy is masculine and feminine. The masculine is acceleration and the feminine is deceleration and that constitutes what just is. The masculine wants to go fast, to be free, to shine, to roam, and to be unencumbered. The feminine wants to slow it all down, hug it out, unity, love, and create form. Deceleration creates the world of form. Acceleration is the destroyer that seeks to liberate itself from form. That is the mystery.

This simple description of the pulse of energy being acceleration and deceleration plays out on the world stage in the behaviours of the man and the woman. I take a walk in the woods and look at the massive girth of a mature tree and just see decelerated energy that has taken on form. All biological life is this energy of the universe decelerated into innumerable patterns with the acceleration of the masculine polarity giving it life. Within our forms are the two gendered charges creating and destroying life in a continuous cycle. It’s so awesome, empowering, and at the same time comforting to understand this lesson. Even in the world of electronics, I see this concept at work in the idea of the computer replicating the biological life form where the divine feminine is the form of the computer and the divine masculine is the electrical power that gives life to the form. The makings of this construct is also witnessed in the animal kingdom where the instinct animals are said to run on, the law of the jungle and the survival of the fittest, are the traits of the masculine power. The feminine is the form and the traits of the great mother overtake the animal when they are flooded with estrogen during pregnancy and motherhood.

This knowledge I have been sitting with for a while but it’s only now the understanding has come. I have previously described all life as being a verb in the sense that nouns are objects and anything we can lay claim to that does not transform is dead. Life is transformation. Fighting transformation is useless and leads to suffering in the same sense that the Tao Te Ching teaches that swimming against the current leads to frustration and counsels you to go with the flow. Accept that the gift of life is enabled by transformation as opposed to fighting change and the requisite suffering. Once the body stops transforming it dies but the death of the vehicle leads to continual transformation of the energy sustaining that body; free once again to enliven another form. The ancient Egyptians perfectly understood this concept and assigned to the scarab beetle called Khepri the representation of this continual process of the universe. One of the regal names of the Pharaohs of the 18th dynasty included a variation of this theme of transformation. The Pharaoh’s name you see encircled in a cartouche, called the prenomen by Egyptologists, emotes this idea of transformation. The prenomen of Pharaoh Akhenaten is “Neferkhepure-Waenre” which recalling my knowledge of ancient Egyptian means something like, “beautiful are the transformations of light.” His son, the famous Pharaoh Tutankhamen, prenomen is “Nebkheperure” which translates to the “Lord of the transformations of light.” The ancient Egyptians were spiritual masters of the knowledge of energy and its continual transformations.

The masculine impetus of the eternal flame climbs the mountain of appearance. The power inherent in the speed of light accelerates to the top, suffers in his journey, and finally shines in grandeur for all to admire. The feminine deceleration of the energy takes the path of least resistance back downhill towards unity until the masculine leaves once again, fully rested, to seek out adventure.

This blog space is a testament to my journey of discovery where I don’t want to come across as having all the answers. I certainly did not and I can look back on my journey and see that it was a progression where I detailed what I needed at the time knowing that I had so much still to discover. As I have progressed upon the path so much has been revealed, a little at a time, and then I have to understand the knowledge. Once I understand the concept, I move on to the next lesson. The obstacles in the path are removed and I advance unencumbered to the next block of teachings.

divine lineage

The divine feminine and masculine come together in the centre of the grand Mesa at the axis mundi here in the symbolic expressed by the lanzon from Chavín de Huantar.

Brought together are the left and right hand paths of the feminine and masculine along with the lower and upper worlds of these energies. All is absorbed back into the representative of the Chavín god. Everything is reconciled into the centre. It is also expressed as the serpent and the jaguar. The serpent as the feminine creates the form and the jaguar as the masculine is the life force that roams this form. They are the two eternal energies that make up the sum total of all. The multi-dimensional reflection of the non-differentiated form is from these two. You can’t see one without two and centring yourself allows you to see one, two, and the many. The many collapses into the one just as the two through sexual union becomes an expression of the one.

Standing with this knowledge at the Mesa will eventually lead to understanding. We are conditioned to believe chaos is bad and can be demonstrated in expressions of madness and unpredictability. I think that’s true. Psychologically, we relegate the feminine to chaos and the striving of the masculine energy to order and reason. The great intellect of Jordan Peterson even wrote a book on this paradigm called “12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos” and in turn riled up the feminist class amongst us. Well, he is a master of controversy and is in turn misunderstood as we looked towards our developed prejudices and fail to look into the heart of the matter. I also wondered what were his intentions in writing this book? Getting to know his persona through the internet, I certainly didn’t detect misogyny, instead a refreshing honesty.

Feminine energy is chaos. Masculine energy tends towards order. Just ask Apollo, the Greek god of light and reason. Within the sum of ourselves are the interplay of these two gendered energies, so it is not mutually exclusive to either sex of the species. Knowledge is a great tool but understanding is divine. Taking the sum total of all I know and feeding it into my central processor, the brain, allows me to synergize the whole set up. Late at night, I stand there in front of my Mesa performing ritualistic acts that allow me to re-centre myself. Sometimes the epiphanies come. Epiphanies are the computer spitting out the punch card with the results. I see the sum of all energy at the axis mundi and then scattered throughout my Mesa and refracted through the prism of my mind are expressions of this energy. The one and the many. It is indeed I who brings this Mesa to life! I take unity and objectify that energy thus creating the world. I use my masculine powers to separate and behold reality!

Now back to centre. This form in the centre is non-differentiated. Aha! That is chaos and I intuitively knew it to be so. The non-differentiated energy has no order and no separation. We assign that condition to being a bad thing but it is in fact the reflection of order. What is the correct state or reality of energy? Is it the feminine unity or masculine separation? Many esoteric and Eastern traditions will tell you that because we are the ones that objectify, it is actually the spiritual truth that we are all one. Is that the truth? Is it the truth because from our perspective of dominate masculine energy in the culture we erroneously think the opposite spiritual state is true? If you want to stop the world it is true. However, the interesting part of the equation is that we live in a verb. Consciousness and existence as we know it is a wave vibration. Existence is defined by motion, which creates the illusion of time and separation. So, stop the motion and we have the truth. If we stop the motion then we have nothing. Just potential, which is the other side of coming forth. Is that really true? Why do you think the static trumps motion and motion creates illusory outcomes? Why do you think feminine chaos contains more truth than masculine objectification? Is it unsettling to have your prejudices laid bare? Yes it is because my spurious foundations are revealed once again. My understanding lies on a foundation of shifting sands. What if you can’t have one without the other? The dependency of the two creates the whole. The truth is if you see the two energies not in a sexual union then you see multiplicity. If your universal view is a sexual metaphor then we are indeed all one. Maybe Einstein was on to something with the whole relativity claim? It makes claims of truth and fanciful chasing of said truth very funny, if not frustrating.

Looking back into history, we see many budding civilizations grappled with this origin question and the dominance of each energy pole. At first, it was the feminine asserting her power which allowed creation to flourish however we are now living in the order of the masculine. Looking into my crystal ball reveals the logical outcome is pathological order which becomes tyranny. The system then collapses. Gazing back into the past, in the Mesopotamian basin the triumph of the masculine energy was mythicized as Marduk defeating the water serpent Tiamat, who personified the feminine chaos. In order for civilization to take hold, she had to be defeated. In the opening chapter of Genesis in the Bible, we see hints of this very thing as Yahweh takes the chaos and adds some light into the mix in order to separate things. Here are the passages from the King James Version.

1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

In the beginning nothing was differentiated until the masculine energy came along and started dividing things up. The Old Testament is also a great primer on the actions of masculine energy not tempered by the presence of balancing feminine energy. Fire and brimstone indeed and Jewish mythicists got that one spot on! In Greek mythology, Apollo comes along and kills Python, the enemy dragoness. This act occurred at Delphi which was considered the centre of the world. With the triumph over the feminine serpent, the Greek god of reason enabled a new consciousness in humans that celebrated the rise of individual differences. Apollo was victorious however reason still called upon the oracle at Delphi in the form of the prophetess called the Pythia. She had the gift of vision - something the mind clouded by logic and reason had to discard in order to rule. In addition, in ancient Egypt we have the god Re and his association with the cycles of time created by the sun, continuing along daily in a sun boat that is forever threatened by the chaos serpent Apophis. This battle is enacted daily and motion is eternally perpetuated by victory over chaos with the help of the strong masculine energy personified in the god Set.

Back to my Mesa. Look at how I intuitively set it up, though I didn’t know what I was doing.

The axis mundi is in the centre and the table is full of differentiated expressions of this energetic centre. However, overlooking this whole construct is this image of a jaguar within the form created by a serpent. Somehow, I knew the archetypal two lay at the head of what just is and I left it in place to discover at a later date in my journey to nowhere. The two become one and the one becomes the many. This is the divine lineage from which we all come. 

my muse

The best games and thrills are the ones where you let go of control. And the ones where two eternal familiars disguise knowledge of their acquaintance and convince themselves they are strangers. You search and find the connection again, not even knowing what you started off looking for. Once you repeatedly find her and are on to the game, then you start putting out the vibration that reveals you know. You find her hiding everywhere.

 

There’s no mistaking her presence when I alter my consciousness. However, the feminine presence encountered in an Ayahuasca ceremony isn’t necessarily the same monolithic energy, even with the knowledge that in fact she is the mistress of transformation. The manifestation of the feminine in ceremony consistently presents within the role of women in this created world and my life. The roles in ceremony are pretty much as advertised: maiden, mother, and crone. This division is found in the mythology of our heritage in the threefold nature of the Greek goddess Hecate.

I obviously identify the maiden with my soul mate because of the intense attraction which belies this connection. As the Goddess she is highly, nay I say insanely erotic, due to a resonance of the energy between us. There is also a mother who is nurturing and grandmother who is full of wisdom and healing. She appears in other forms as well; sometimes to terrify, enchant, or teach. I have also encountered her as a serpent and a jaguar; with the serpent representing the wave vibration that creates creation and the feminine jaguar being complementary to my masculine self. The mother is the mother of all and she is the one common to all drinkers of Ayahuasca.

 

I find her not only in ceremony but also in everyday life. She has always been in my presence although I couldn’t see it. I fall in love with her over and over again. The thrill of the chase and discovery is too strong. Giving in to the passion will satisfy the urge but the result is the flame will die out. We have played it out many times. There’s no escaping it so on we go, fooling ourselves into thinking we are strangers, perhaps fated once again to meet and fall in love.

within the one is found the two

The spiritual chorus preaches the one. Everything is derivative of the one and all of creation can be folded back into the one. To express this one, us humans have come up with a bunch of terms, including the polarizing concept of god which we in turn fetishize and transform into an object of worship and sometimes assign to an ideal that is used for human pursuits of power and monetary gain. The understanding of your place in all of this is your connection to all, in that not only are you a product of the universe but you are indeed the universe and from your perspective you are a point of that universal consciousness that is looking out upon itself. It is not only an empowering vision of creation but it also lowers anxiety about what happens to you when the body dies. If you like adventure then I wouldn’t worry about what happens next. You can go even further with this concept and discard the one. Grasping at the one is still objectifying and truthfully there are no objects. We delineate what just is, conjure duality, and selectively take subjective forms of energy and solidify them into objects.

Okay, I think the above is a pretty good explanation of what heady spiritual people preach, if I do say so myself. In our culture, science is king and therefore in modern spiritual pursuits we try and reconcile the two. Using core concepts of Eastern philosophy allows us to bridge the gap and transform the woo into nuanced metaphysical speculations that allow consensus and eschews wishful thinking. This is all well and good however I like to push the envelope past the chains of what others think. I want experience and subsequently I want to put the experience through my filter and come up with my own concepts.

I have walked the desert sands of Egypt and explored their pyramids and majestic temples. I’ve sweated in the jungles of the Amazon basin. I’ve climbed mountains in the Andes and visited valley temples. I’ve spent a night out in the arid and unforgiving wilderness of the American southwest. I’ve ingested multiple plants that have altered my consciousness enough that I know there are many dimensions to this magical mystery tour we call life. I’ve tried to figure it all out. I’ve tried to grasp this elusive enlightenment. I’ve wondered where do I get my certificate telling me I’ve made it?

I understand the philosophy and I feel the universal connection. It’s undeniable. My experiential journey suggests instead of the one, all truth lives at the door of two. We are a reductionist culture and because of this, one is the holy grail. For me, it’s two and everything is derivative of the two. I’m talking about the divine feminine and divine masculine and their coming together creates the one which then reflects back out as a multiple duality of many twos. Envision this construct that comes from the mind of a human, if you will. It is a centre-point that contains two polarities. As a flow chart, the two as the divine feminine and masculine come together into the one which brings you to the unified centre-point. From the centre-point flows out all of creation into multiple instances of this duality into creation. The two must become one before they become the many.

I see this in ancient Egypt as the great mother and her son, who is also the father; this peculiarity known as kamutef, the bull of his mother. In their literature and on temple walls, I see it also expressed in the concept of creation emanating from an androgyne source that contains the sacred two. In the Ennead of Heliopolis, of which this dual-sexed god Atum is at the head, it is said that the masculine light source Shu and the feminine water source Tefenet are always with and are Atum. The androgyne is the combination of the two and there is no getting around it. Even in the word hermaphrodite is presented in clear view the union of two great deities in the Greek wisdom god Hermes and Aphrodite, the goddess of love. These two go back into the hazy scrolls of history to the beginnings of Egyptian thought and the primordial beginnings of the Ogdoad at Hermopolis where the Egyptian counterparts of these two, Thoth and Hathor, stand at the head of all creation that comes forth from the primordial swamp of 8-town. The concept of union and attempts at artistic expression is depicted on temple walls such as this painted relief masterpiece inside the Khonsu Temple at Karnak temple.

The dual-sexed Kamutef

I see this concept in the sacred mesa of the Andes where the reconciliation of the two gendered polarities brings everything back together into the centre at the axis mundi. The great stone idol of the Chavin temple, the lanzon, brings together the feminine and masculine in this depiction of the sacred world centre.

Lanzon in the temple of the jaguar at Chavin

The temple grounds are made up of dualistic constructs such as the set of black and white limestone stairs leading to the temple as well as finding dualistic principles in the raised and lowered opposite hands of the idol in which the masculine points to the upper world and the feminine to the lower world. The temple grounds rest at the meeting point of the coastal and jungle civilizations in a valley where two great rivers merge into one. This reconciliation of all was called tinkuy. Achieved is balance and from this position the healing can be empowered and love for all can flow. In the jungle are the symbols of the feminine serpent and the masculine jaguar. There are exoteric and esoteric understandings of the two.

Those that live off the land and in primitive dwellings we culturally denigrate as simple. Simple people paradoxically have the most profound symbolism. The modern symbolism from our culture of excess is bereft of ideas and suffering from malnutrition. Hidden in the jungle is the most profound teaching accessed by the brave and the courageous. I’ve searched high and low but never have I come across such a direct communication of what it is all about. Obviously, the serpent is feminine and the jaguar is masculine and they are ubiquitous symbols of the jungle. It’s a pretty simple exoteric depiction of life, creation, destruction, and renewal.

There were big teachings this last time through Peru earlier this year in the jungle that carried on into the Andes mountains. It included the direct experiencing of and understanding of the life force common to all, that connects us all, that originates from a common feminine and masculine vibration symbolized as the serpent and the jaguar. The serpent creates the vibrational body that undulates from on to off and the jaguar traverses this path. The jaguar moves freely. As visualized and communicated by Hindu adepts of yesteryear, when you raise your consciousness and enlighten all the subtle body chakras, energetic touch points you break free of, you meet the jaguar who roams the chakras as an expression of the power of the kundalini serpent which in the pre-Columbian South American religious thought are the three shamanic worlds. And finally you become the jaguar.

Everything comes from this one vibration with vibrations within each vibration. It pulses from off to on. Creation is the pulse with two extreme states and everything in between. From a holistic point of view it is one vibration. Within the one is found the two. The one can’t be without the two. The two always have their opposite. Try it; try to cut off the bottom end of a piece of string. What do you end up with? For the feminine and masculine there is no one. There is always the pull to rejoin your opposite, like a magnetic pull that creates the constant oscillation that creates life. How’s that for the esoteric? I’m so humbled by this knowledge that gives me the power to transcend any thoughts of annihilation and head straight into the gale force of life, full of courage and resolve. As the hero, I set out to rescue the princess; my feminine polarity. They seek each other and afterwards separate once again to keep this all going. It’s universal and timeless.

It's as close to the truth as I can get. There is a serpent and a jaguar and that’s it. The serpent’s body represents the pulsing form while the jaguar is the energy rushing forth along this serpentine highway. It also dawned on me the ancient Egyptians had something close to this idea in their great mother goddess Hathor and her son Ihy. The serpent lady would give birth to the wild bull Ihy, who would also be described as the perfumed effluence coming forth from her body. The rattling of a sistrum, an energetic vibration, much like the shacapa of the shaman in the Amazon, brought forth the Goddess and the power scent she gave off is the naked child come forth in wild abandon.

The clever adept proclaims non-duality. It all just is. It’s true. Within all, the is-ness is consciousness and once the pond is disturbed, duality becomes king through objectification. Trying to define non-duality is trying to define a state of existence; like taking a snapshot in time. Whatever it is we are living in, one thing for sure is it is constantly on the move and in motion therefore beyond definition. From the perspective of the realization of the one, being at the centre, where you become the axis mundi you see it all splinter into shards of duality made up of the feminine and masculine polarities. When I stand at my mesa, I envision I am the lanzon, the centre, the chaupi. I am everything. I look to my left and I see the feminine. I look right and it’s the masculine. I see everything. Lower world, upper world, and then back to self. My mesa represents the self, my self, and the totality of everything that comes from me. It’s all me. I am non-dual and I see it all break down into duality. All aspects and qualities of existence, psychologically and biologically, contained within it all. Which is the correct perspective? Is it from the standpoint of non-duality or does it originate from duality? What are your prejudices?

I look up at the sky, see the clouds, and I am stunned by the vastness of it all. I come to the realization it is the image of mind I am looking at. This vastness is consciousness. I am privileged and privy to having the ability to image mind and see how creation is the representation of the twinning pattern of consciousness and energy, yin and yang, feminine and masculine, serpent and jaguar.

The game is fascinating and I have a fascination with the game. It’s like being at the beach and grasping a handful of hot, white sand. It just slips through your fingers.

full admission

Continuing on with what I wrote about last week, I’m going to be forthright and come off as maybe deluded and crazy however this is the truth of the situation. This is what has happened to me and continues to occur on a regular basis. I got trolled again this morning by my subconscious. Well, not really a troll, but one of those coincidences that is too contrived to think it is a random happenstance and I know from past experiences that my subconscious can manipulate events so that the outcome lines up in a way that is serendipitous. I think this goes back to the assertion that I’m mad but in a healthy and good way. I’m pretty low-key and have it all together on the outside so nobody suspects anything is going on.

I remember when I first went to Peru and drank Ayahuasca. I was an easy mark who tended to avoid confrontation. The darkness within went into full on attack mode in order to leave me dazed and to send me home, never to return. Just live out your life, don’t change anything, and don’t come back. Do not disturb. When I left the jungle, I started hearing voices in my head. Okay, not voices but just one voice. It scared the shit out of me and it went on for three days. No sleep and I was on the verge of psychosis it was that unnerving. Seven years later I know what it was. It was me. The part of me I bury in the subconscious that occasionally rises up to the surface. I know him pretty well now. He was just trolling me and asserting dominance. He kept at it in the background for months leading to this situation where he’d wake me every night at the exact same time and harass me. 1:10 am wakeup call. I couldn’t get back to sleep and I was a wreck after five nights of this. Eventually, I asked my muse the Goddess, for help after I went into a full-on panic attack for the first time in my life and she helped me out of this hole. My relationship with the feminine divine is the single most important bond in my life. Her power saved me from what it was I faced. She is always present, ready to offer protection, guidance, and wisdom. All I have to do is ask. I know it sounds religious! It’s why I can’t get sucked into the beliefs of others. My belief in a personal goddess is unshakeable. Anyway, I started making changes in my life and the darkness accosted me again a few months later and I went into another panic attack but I came out swinging and fought back. I resolved to get the best of him and defeat him. I then spent two and a half years with the upper hand and used a hammer to beat him into submission. I wasn’t aware I had that strength and neither did my dark side.

 

Eventually, I went back to Peru and once again faced him directly. What balls! The first experience was designed so I’d run away and not come back; never to peer into the darkness again. Why did I go back? I didn’t want to live out my life a coward. I knew somewhere I had courage to muster and so I came back for round two. He came out swinging and I took all the punches. He threatened me with death if I didn’t give in to his wishes. I stood my ground and said kill me if you must. I earned a lot of respect that night.

 

I'm the biggest and baddest motherfucker on the planet. How do I know that? It’s because my subconscious wanted to destroy me because no one takes on that aspect of themselves when it has decided to stomp you out of existence and comes out of it alive, all in one piece. I really should be a cowering basket case and exhibit ‘A' in regards to the use of psychedelics. Who knows what lurks within? I won and for that I got mucho respect. My relationship with my dark side is what you could call a truce with steps towards a working agreement. He knows my weaknesses because they are me and he is me. Predilections is a better word for it. He constantly shows me what he is capable of. It’s astounding in that he transcends time and can manipulate events to work out how he so chooses.

 

On this path, you are warned about power and its seduction. I see clearly how it works: you are shown the strength and dominance of the darkness within. It floors you with an uppercut and beats you into submission. Afterwards, the subconscious force offers you power in exchange for fealty as there is a price to pay for your new-found power. Look at the powerful in the world and see it. See the depravity at the base of it. The last two years of world history have been a course in what the result of giving power to humans manifests. There is a price to pay for power. In the end, you end up using your power to feed off of others, mostly in a way that is subtle where you take advantage of and manipulate them. Meanwhile, the Goddess is busy teaching you that you are the others; we are all one. Don’t do it! I look back now and see how this was to play out. I got hammered and subsequently in a malleable position was offered a ton of power. I declined. I was harassed afterwards until finally I fought back and later had the gumption to return and face up to it all. Not only that but after being offered power again, I declined and kept my freedom.

 

I don’t think the subconscious is malevolent. I think it is in a way proving a point in that we are all weak and will take the road to power, fame, fortune, and glory if offered the chance. We will self-aggrandize at the expense of others, forgetting we are one. Ultimately, that is the lesson to learn in that to objectify others as separate from yourself is what causes suffering and also allows you to amass power. We will sell out whomever and whatever for this opportunity. I don’t want to glorify myself. I did decline the offer of power and said I’m looking for a paradigm of love and was not interested in those worldly powers. If I do acquire fame and fortune, I will do it through my own accord and use it to give back. Those are my intentions and have always been my intentions.

 

I am intrigued with the darkness, as it is me. The relationship is now much different and he knows I’m a jaguar and have the serpent on my side. I have wondered if he misread me? Would he have attacked as he did, if he knew I’d fight back and win? He didn’t see the jaguar hidden within nor the serpent woman at my side ready to strike. I now know of his power and I think we can strike a deal in order to liberate the mind and to help heal the world.