consequential game of chance

It's ridiculously obvious for me to say life is about making choices. We are constantly presented with scenarios where we must decide and at times these choices can be seriously life-altering. When faced with hard choices my default go to is to let others make the decision for me if it is to cause major waves. I've boiled this behaviour down to a psychological trick I've used my whole life that I stumbled onto early in my youth. I realized at some point that if I became a people pleaser and did what others wanted of me, I would get far in life and be able to convert it into capital which I could use to get what I wanted. It boils down to this: I can manipulate others to my advantage if I give them what they want out of me. It's transactional, and so far in life it has worked.

The hard part is when you hit a fork in the road in which no matter what you do to please, it is going to cause the other party to be upset or suffer. I have landed on that doorstep a few times in my life. Your reputation and life-long process of looking like a superior mortal in their eyes is to come crashing down. You can only hide for so long. Living with someone will reveal the other side, it's hard to keep that concealed. The game is a central part of the identity you build in your human career. I've played the game long enough to also see the result of inaction. If you don't choose, the choice will be made for you, and you will be stuck with the consequences. When others make the decision, you spare yourself the label of bad guy and the subsequent Karma. I've seen it play out before and the disappointment I have been able to move on from after compartmentalizing the hurt. Eventually, the time would come when I'm not sure I could get over the loss of something I wanted, had, and then lost because I couldn't be true to myself, make a personal choice, and deal with the fall-out.

I’ve noticed I can get what I want, but then a new set of variables is unleashed. I want this. I get it, and then come the unintended consequences. What is the better play of the two? To just let things be as they are? You also don't know the future of that action. We are always desiring and chasing what we want. The difference for the wizard is they get what what they want. We are all in the same boat; some can fulfill their desires while others are left on shore with desires unfulfilled. Outcomes are always going to be a wild card.

My desire is to eat healthy. The consequences are I live longer and consume more resources, taking away from the less fortunate. The effect on the scale of plenty is negligible but imagine a bunch of First World inhabitants such as us all desiring this. The effect is pronounced and for every gain is a loss. Who suffers? The poor. They go even more without the necessities. I'm trying to illustrate all actions have consequences. Nothing is exempt from this and though I have noticed acquiring power and getting what I want leaves a wake of unintended consequences, there were always going to be consequences to not getting what I wanted. We are in a consequential game of chance.

Life is full of constant challenges. If I mapped out an adventure to have, called life, surely, I'd want to eventually experience crossroads. I love the challenge that is presented to me. I don't love having to let go of the people pleasing default mode and see my identity and reputation get kicked to the curb. Deep down I know all is reconciled and you can only ride that edge for so long. Eventually, the spark to ignite a fuse would present itself and one time I wouldn't blow it out or allow it to flame out. Let's see what happens when it burns. The detonation I have avoided and, in this adventure, maybe it should blow and then I can take notes.

We all know Medusa, or else we wouldn't be here. We are good at not looking her in the eyes like we were told. In my contrarian life, of course the time would come when I'd seek her out and stare into her eyes. What secret is being kept from me? Tantra teaches the way out of your predicament is to head straight into the storm and go through the eye of the hurricane. If I were going to lead by example and show you the way, what would be my method? I'd use the stone to find freedom. Embrace it. I would plunge headfirst into the abyss and break through to the other side because I'm the stone. I would subconsciously demonstrate the way out of your prison cell once you have been released from your sentence. The jailer exclaims, "You can go," and yet we hang around and decide to become of service in the prison. Somebody must remind us that it's okay to leave prison. Turn me to stone and I'll use the solid rock to smash the four walls that imprison me.

Earth is a finishing school for wayward spirits and the best teachers of our purification are dead. They are telling us it's okay to leave when you get the message. We cling to our prison cells, embracing the comfort that comes from knowing this is your reality, while denying you fear the unknown. The spiritual teacher still with us is subject to the flesh, so we can use this against them. We can examine their life and find a reason they aren't ultra-holy. This way we can avoid the difficult path ahead which we face. They couldn’t do it, so why should I be any different?

If you figure out the game and are free to leave, would you? It's a choice. Duality presents choices. You can stay and be of service. A teacher. Someone who wakes others up. Wouldn't you want to balance that out? Why play the holy card all the time? If you knew the secret, wouldn't you want to play? Why the hurry to leave? Is there a time limit? I don't think so. I have examples to look towards. My friend Parker left because what he was chasing had already left. I have balanced the equation. Some of my friends have left and are waiting for me. I still feel the pull of this incarnation. If life gets you down, find purpose. That's the key. When you no longer feel wanted or needed in this world then the scales tip and you can jump with conviction.

You can also leave to escape the coming retribution and trashing of your reputation. It's still going to happen, and the coward runs from it. It's a game, and I'm proud of my fifty-six years. Fuck man, I have juggled this one like a pro. I haven't dropped the ball yet and I keep making it harder. If I believe in myself, I'll make it a great story.

The reveal of my character is freeing. I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to bury my nature in the depths no more. Kill yourself in order to live, indeed.

transformation via harassment

I now realize why the master teacher, after giving me a thorough beat down upon my first meeting with him, chased me home and continued to harass me. At the time, I wanted him to go away and leave me alone, however, he kept coming for me in thoughts, dreams, and synchronicities. So much so, I suffered two panic attacks and had to develop strategies to maintain my sanity and keep him away.

When you are ready to become the hero of your journey and transform, the path appears and events start to line up for you. In this incarnation, I put it off until middle age and then started studying in earnest. I discovered the Goddess in Egypt and the ball was rolling as she guided me down into the jungle. I get the feeling I have travelled this far along the path in previous incarnations but have never vanquished the dragon. It’s always game over at this point. As an aside, video games are a sub-conscious attempt to reconcile this failure but that’s a story for another time. The Goddess knew of this outcome, cautioned me, and gave me a way out. However, I knew I had to do it.

The quick backstory is I went down into the Amazon jungle eight years ago at the behest of the Great Goddess to come into contact with her through altering my consciousness in a shamanic ritual. As a corollary to that meeting, I wanted to confront the darkness within that I couldn’t shake in my journey to become super-holy. I was the hero on a journey of knowledge and self-discovery. Little did I know, I hit the knowledge jackpot with the caveat a dragon lies in wait to thump you if you dare to tread further.

The dragon made quick work of me and being a scared novice, I left the scene of the mental massacre and retreated to the safety of home. That bastard is tough. It’s hard for me to describe in words how horrible and frightening that first match was in addition to the subsequent relentless pursuit of my sanity to make sure I did not return to his forbidden domain. I was faced with a decision of giving up this modality of discovery or continuing on. Forging ahead would mean I’d have to once again confront the dragon and reasonably I was a little gun shy at having to face up to that prospect. The pursuit of knowledge is what lights me up. I knew I had discovered something profound, but I was scared. I wasn’t going to easily let it go and so I spent a good amount of time trying to reconcile the experience and convince myself of a narrative of what happened with the goal to enable me to continue on this path. The dragon had other ideas and kept coming for me. He was forcing me to transform from a weak man into a warrior possessing the requisite courage and bravery needed to complete the hero’s journey. Cowards aren’t heroes. I can say that now but at the time I wanted to vanquish this foe so I could explore my inner world in peace. It took two years of mental repair and development before I continued on in the journey. During that time, I started to fight back against my adversary by punching back during a panic attack, calling on the Goddess for help, and even writing spells to summon him and cut off his head.

I had demonstrated a willingness to fight which in hindsight is what I needed to do. I returned to the ring and he immediately came at me. I had much trepidation but to my surprise I hung with him and the match went the distance. I wasn’t KO’ed this time. It was a draw and I became progressively emboldened. The Goddess, who had warned little naive me about the coming tribulation, returned to welcome me as I demonstrated I really could be the hero in this lifetime. She encouraged me to continue to go after the dragon. Being her brave knight, I vowed to continue the quest.

I returned once more and took the blows of whatever he could muster. I sat in ceremony and transformed into a man with a resolve of steel. A weak, unassuming, beta male took on the ultimate expression of the power of the alpha male, stood toe to toe with him, and transformed into him. The dragon came at me one last time as a ferocious jaguar. Charging full on, he stopped and stood face to face with me and roared. I roared right back, thus assuming his power and I became the king. This was the greatest upset of all time! An internal fire burned deep within me and despite all odds and the fear I returned, faced the wrath of the dragon, and won. That night was a huge celebration. The sense of accomplishment and the smile on my face at what I’d done lit up the universe. I knew I’d transformed myself and now had the keys to continue on in the hero’s journey, the path opening up to whatever I wished to explore, and the world became my oyster with the intention of finding the pearl.

So, what I realized the other night was the master teacher continued to harass me after the first beat down because it was his way of forcing me to transform from weak to strong. If I had my druthers, I would have made him go away and sanitized the whole experience. The method of continual harassment forced me to seek answers and find a way to once again confront him. There really was no escape except to end it all or transform. I repeat, I wouldn’t have transformed without this teaching method of his. Non-ordinary and possibly fatal. I honour my teacher the dragon and because of this knowledge the outpouring of love I have for him is beyond this world and I thank him so much for what he has done to transform his student and son. My love for the Goddess and God knows no bounds.

The methods of teaching by your celestial father are not kind and will prevent most from ever fulfilling the reason they came to this strange world in the first place. Not only that, but there is no way I can recommend this course due to the possibility of a really unfavourable outcome and the end of your game. The obstacles to success are immense and the odds are slim. Love and light are not the methods of God but instead it is trial and tribulation. The journey involves transformation by putting your feet to the fire and your soul to the test. Most will seek refuge and relief but I promise if you stand up and be counted you will gain for yourself a freedom and an inner-knowing that will exceed anything you can ever imagine. 

i am god

The permission to think non-linearly and break free of the hold sequential time has on my thinking allows for a major leap in the thought process where whole avenues of discovery suddenly appear at your doorstep. Because of time, we build sequences and hierarchies. What comes first is thus imbued with power, a sense of ownership, and a claim on truth all because it came first. Releasing yourself from the hold of time, allows you to view events as processes that are unfolding. The flower eventually comes forth when the seed sprouts, the plant grows, and then comes the fruit. Is the flower some innocent child of the plant or is the flower the initial energetic desire that created the seed that allowed its splendour to come forth? The seed did indeed come from the flowering fruit and for the astute student they can understand nature reveals the creator hides within their creation.

Along the road of the unfolding grandeur of the spiritual journey, eventually the path leads you to the point where you know you need to live in truth, tell the truth, and most importantly recognize the truth about yourself. Until you drop the narrative perpetuated by culture and ego, you will remain forever ignorant to who you are. It will never happen for you if the truth of self is denied. To continue along the artery of knowledge means giving up the stories told about yourself. This also means the behaviours you deny and hide and what lights you up. There is so much to acknowledge in order to live in truth. Nobody wants to do this and face the inner critic as well as the enforcers of behaviour in culture. It’s better to acquiesce to the demands of others and never step into the power that awaits you and as the hero fulfill your destiny.

But what if you do? What if after years of denial and frustration you finally accept who you are and drop the stories? What if you do walk in truth? Internally, I started to do just this. I’m not ready to go all in but I have accepted what is painfully obvious to myself. Because of where I am on the spiritual path, immediately the flower started to blossom and I started to see it. I had to deny it at first because it was too much.

I am the flower. I am the pinnacle of an evolutionary process that allowed me to come forth as the crowning achievement of creation. I am the pulse of spellbound energetic desire that put this whole process in motion and eventually I made my appearance in a world of my own making. Goddess and God are me - my feminine and masculine energetic halves who come together and create the one who is the god and that child is me. Hey! I just realized I’m God! You are too, but since you don’t believe it and think I’m nuts, I get to bask in my temporary omnipotence until you wake up and see it.

This is the apex of the spiritual journey that can only be accessed by going within and listening to your inner guides. As a teacher, I can only point the way. In fact, that is the role of any external instructor worth her or his salt on this path. They show you the way but it is you and you only that has to take the step through the door. It is the essence of shamanism where the role of the shaman is to be the doorman. Any teacher who tells you different is trying to collect you as a follower of their bullshit. Nobody can do this for you; I can try to explain the outline of the journey and let you in on some knowledge however you have to experience and understand it yourself or my mouth noises are just hollow words and for you a belief in someone else’s beliefs. I’ll point the way, tell you to go within, and help you get there. The master teachers will be found there. Don’t be scared. It’s all waiting, just for you.

An enlightened teacher intuitively knows they are God but they don’t give the show away. How could you? Making the claim you are God, inherently the only god, is the height of lunacy however true it may be. The maestro knows we are all God and endeavours to point you towards the path that will reveal this secret to you.