identity fluidity

Humans are so like flowers. We grow and bloom in beauty. Then the energy dissipates, and we wither away. It's the eternal process of the cresting and falling of energy. I have free will and because of it I can create any flower I choose. I can design and act out my existence and radiate its glorious coming forth or give out the fruits of my choices. I don’t have to do it. I don’t have to do anything. If I keep burying parts of myself I don’t like, am I a hypocrite?

Ram Dass says tell the truth and love everybody. The truth will set you free. You become attached to the lies and uphold with honour your story. Your whole life is a lie; that’s why you live in bondage. You expend so much energy during the day in performance of that lie. The constant spinning and mental anguish disappear when you tell the truth.

I sure have come a long way over a long time. I could stop creating darkness and just be an open book. It would be hard to function within culture in that regard. The way out is to flush identity down the toilet as has been suggested to me on a few occasions. Or, find someone who wants to play the games I play.

A paradox of freeing oneself from identity is evolving a new identity for yourself, usually as someone who is airy-fairy spiritual. You can’t really escape identity as that’s how we all make sense of the world. Identity is a form of objectification and necessary to keep things separate, understandable, and tidy so we can compartmentalize people and predict behaviours which allows us a certain degree of stability in our own lives. In order to free yourself from being labelled and having to live up to the story others tell of you and who you believe you are, it is paramount to keep everything fluid and shifting. Resist being defined and practice becoming true of speech and action. Living in truth means not having to live up to the story told about you or fulfil any expectations. You’re now unreliable and hard to pin down.

My advice is to chart your own course. Don’t follow another’s path. You can listen to them and their experiences but for god’s sake don’t retrace their steps. Everyone has a personal journey. Ceding that to an external source is asking to be misled. It is important to realize everyone has travelled along a path that gets them to the now. You did not travel in someone else's footsteps; instead you charted a different course. Love yourself, all aspects of yourself, especially the parts you buried due to hurt, to culture, and to please others. Be a leader and not a follower.

Find the darkness in your spirituality because you are becoming holy to deny the darkness. Instead of shining with light, I love operating in the shadows. If I do lead, it is by example. Don't follow me.

mentally ill

Dionysos, Saturnalia, Bacchanalia, and festivals of excess. These celebrations of the past were recognition by civilizations that the condition of the human will lead to a tendency towards madness. We are mentally ill as a normality and the failure to recognize the condition leads to outbursts which affect all, as opposed to ritually uncorking the intoxication of madness. Hello, Mardi Gras.

We are all mentally ill and society is making us sick. By keeping us in fear, as a species we are more easily controlled. The gatekeepers of the earth carnival know the methods of control. Of course they do. By remaining oblivious to the means of suppression by your human masters, you unwillingly remain imprisoned.

If you don't become a cynic in your formative years, your mind, who has mastered you, will make you suffer because you are not successful yet in the culture game. You will strive to seek the acceptance of others and in turn the inner critic within will reward you with a dopamine hit. You made it! But you still aren't good enough. Keep striving to achieve and successfully pursue all your goals in life.

With clarity, it becomes easy to see the motivating behaviour of the inner critic with others. They are down on self because they haven't made it. They transferred the disappointment of the superego from their parents to the inner critic. They are a great specimen for psychological study. They suffer and are depressed which motivates them to change or sink further into the morass. The ones who transform their lives are still caught up in the need to prove the superego is wrong about them. They become laser-like focused on goals and are impressive in their accomplishments. However, it is never enough, and any slip up is sure to invite the wrath of the puppeteer telling them they are no good and a failure.

I can see this, and I'd laugh at the absurdity, except the suffering for the other is real. How do I help? I must think that you are there in spirit as an example, but you must let them finish the suffering they inflict upon themselves. Eventually, there is hope they will see it. Nobody really cares about your inner trials and tribulations. If you are not accepted by the other, find others. It is a big fishbowl.

It's a worthwhile endeavour to embark upon a path that will lead to the severing of the hold culture and authority figures have over you. The other creates ways for you to suffer. The inner critic will make you suffer. Duality makes you suffer. I like to point out that we are objectification machines. When I get up in the morning, the first thing I do is put on my duality glasses. This brings the world to life and each day becomes an adventure. Separation causes many challenges, and this creates the game of life. Survival, challenge, acceptance, success/failure and on and on it goes. Boredom ensues if you get trapped in the repetitive nature of the game, as fulfilling needs, and becoming complacent is the perceived good life. The ensuing boredom gives you the impetus to create your own new adventure. Because of this endemic human behaviour, I like to say we are suffering machines as well. Suffering will lead to transformation or your demise, and planet earth is the ultimate school for those souls who wish to transform.

It is through the divine masculine that the transformation will take place. He's the ultimate teacher and will kill you if he must. That's the agreement you sign when you decide to take up space in his classroom. For a man, that relentless inner critic is him. He's fulfilling his role impeccably, just like you asked. All suffering is grace because transformation is designed to eventually lead you to the heart. The heart is the last stop on the human express once you have exhausted all the ports of call which purport to give you the answers for what you are searching.

Do I want to eliminate the suffering? No. Suffering is the teacher which will bring you to the heart. Do I want to relieve suffering? Yes. I can show you the way out. The open invitation is the path of the heart.

Death is a relentless stalker and if you don't find the path of the heart then the itinerary on the map will end at death. The warrior who has mastered life will progress through fear, clarity, and power and will remain helpless as death approaches. The master will not fear death and will welcome graduation. Earth is a tough course for the eternal student and the successful aspirant will be given a celebration worthy of a king upon completion of the syllabus.

This is all to say madness lurks within all civilizations. The denial of suffering and the prevention of an inner transformation will cause mental illness. To continue with the human civilization project, outlets for madness or destruction will come knocking on your door. All civilizations rise and fall. The decay inherent in 2024 western society is easy to see. The abyss waits for its next prey. We can acknowledge it, transform, or throw ourselves on the pyre.

questioning spirituality

Our brains are linear. They have been conditioned in this regard. It's how we think and make sense of our world. If you discover a method which allows release from this modality, then different avenues of cognition open to you. I have been looking for a way to explain being able to see into the future. It's been a few years since I realized time is a dubious human discovery. Because we have senses and delineate, this allows us the power of observation. We are objectification machines, and we use it well. We track and mark the movement of objects and thus create a system of time. Our system of time is based on the sun. Days and the year are the cycle of the sun. The seven-day week and the months owe their genesis to the moon. Our conditioning forces us into patterns of thought which cannot break free of an orderly and linear design of the universe which marches through time.

Without the ability to objectify, time would not exist. This plane of consciousness we inhabit with our senses is a world of duality and thus time governs us. Time is a lazy jailer as it doesn't have to do anything to keep us imprisoned. We create the jail cell ourselves and lock ourselves in. If we stray from the prison yard, the inmates rat on us. They first use the tactic of shame and make us question ourselves. You're crazy! They poke around and find out what is the cause of you straying from orthodoxy. Don't think for yourself. Leave complex matters for experts. Drugs are bad. Stay away from them as it is a blot on your good character. If you get past the gates of society then will come you've changed accusations and drugs are making you crazy. As society progressed and we became intellectually enlightened, we took it upon our collective self to criminalize agents of consciousness. If you wanted to escape the mental prison, you risked being locked up in a physical prison. The game is designed so you will not escape. For most they won't even try to run. They will just accept it. The runner must be resolute in their decision and willing to leave it behind.

This trip since middle age has been utterly fascinating. I never dreamed I would get to these points of awareness. I had no idea of what awaited discovery. I had to unlock modes of cognition to proceed.

Earth is a school for awareness. Your energetic signature unlocks awareness through incarnation. You add this skill to your sum. How about that answer to the meaning of life? We come here to make sense through our senses. Time creates order out of chaos. We crave this order in our masculine world. Order comes from chaos, light from darkness. A unique perspective reveals a whole new way of perception. In this world there is time, and eternity reveals itself from moment to moment. In the world of chaos, everything just is, it has already happened and to reveal it just needs a structure. We create a timeline which allows us to make sense of it all. The clever seeker in a world of form will realize this and then be able to poke holes in the fabric of being.

The modality to do this must be discovered and then comes the need to stop listening to others' interpretations and advice. At first, culture set up religious institutions to keep people away and it worked for a long time. As a species we were obedient and bequeathed our inquisitive nature to an intermediary. We allowed those who wanted to keep us imprisoned to be responsible for our freedom. Thus, we remained locked up. When you break past these barriers it isn't over. There is always a spiritual element to the game and an appeal to some concept of a higher self. When you are onto the game, the cultural shepherds are still waiting for you. The final boss awaits. You've seen past the veil so now what? Attached to discovery is altruism. For some strange reason if you approach the big secret, then the ego requires you to cultivate a selfless concern for the well-being of others. You become of service and therefore the game can continue for others as you are neutered.

What a crock! I know so many people who are doing just this. The spiritual trip is so fun and allows you to abrogate the responsibilities of incarnation. They all knew this earth game we are playing is toxic and looked for a way out. They peeked behind the curtain and faced the dissolution of preconceived thought patterns. Then we all face the big question: What do I do with this knowledge? The default is you become spiritual! I feel like intellectually raging at this golden chain. I remember Ram Dass giving a lecture about the idea of the golden chain of righteousness. Spirituality leads to this golden chain where you must put on airs and graces and avoid scandal. Why is there this connection to unlocking universal secrets and being good?

One answer that jumps out at me is love. I've come across it a lot in my journey and in terms of resonance I understand love is what we seek. A taste of love is bliss. So, the question becomes what is the best method towards getting people to that place of love? The path I chose will allow you to touch that love to which I refer. That's when the next wave of trouble begins and we become spiritual. However, look around you. We live in a place of ungodly suffering. You can't escape it. If love is the ultimate answer, then why does this hellhole called earth exist? The universe can be cruel. To live one must cause suffering. In turn we suffer. Suffering is the path towards finding the love you seek. When all else fails, a good dollop of suffering will snap you out of whatever ails you and direct you towards love.

Plant medicines showed me a world of spirituality and I got a great understanding of it. I'm not sure they made me spiritual. They showed me where I wasn't spiritual for sure and I followed a path which revealed I was no Jesus in a white robe. I saw Goddess and God. I saw who I am. I don't feel a need to become holy because of it. I am at the point now in my "spiritual" journey where I laugh at people who become spiritual because of psychedelics and plant medicines. I laugh because of experience. These substances reveal who you are, and for most of us it's hard to accept the truth. Deflecting your degeneracy through embracing spirituality is a smart play. You can postpone the realization for a bit.

For me, the realization has come. The Great Goddess laid it on thick. Here's what you do and the results of your actions. You're special. You got quite the game going on to get you the thrills you need to control your vibration. You know how to smooth it out and go searching for the hit every now and then. Apollo is brilliant and figured it all out!

I've got redeeming qualities. I like helping people. I like doing things for people. I like seeing people happy. I like making animals happy.

I know what she is going to teach me next. Purity and vibration. She is going to show me how pure true love is. If you want to stay high and never come down, love is the pure substance you are looking for. Without it you are forever trapped in the cyclic vibration of high and low. So, if you want off the wheel, you gotta come to love. Simple!

I'm not interested in utopia. We do-gooders try to usher in an altruistic paradise in hell. I don't want to create a world of love. It's all perfect. I want there to be suffering on this earth. My selfishness that keeps me going to know all leaves a trail of indifference, destruction, and suffering. If I were a great and loving being, I would have been stopped dead in my tracks. The dragon in me propels me along a path of discovery which is what I've desired all along.

I don't want to be spiritual. I don't want to think I must be of service or have integrity. Reciprocity should just flow and not be a conscious duty. Those qualities I will demonstrate by my actions and let the chips fall where they may. They are a byproduct of my life. The other may judge how successful or what a failure I am regarding these principles. I don't want a white robe or an acknowledgement of transcending the morass of humanity. My animating path is a quest to discover it all. It's a never-ending ride on the cosmic wave of being.

beyond non-duality

The deconstruction of reality: Is it non-duality or duality? It depends on your perspective. Non-duality just is. Duality is consciousness put into motion that delineates form from the big bucket of non-dual energy. Duality is a concrete mirage; a persistent and believable one! In essence you could say the rational and analytical mind is creating the illusion through non-rational feedback of thought. Non-duality is at the centre of a device that refracts energy. One end shows the ultimate reality of a Goddess and a God that are everything and their combination enables the one that just is that we call non-dual. The other end refracts all of creation so that what is shown is the state of all this energy where we give definition to what we perceive as boundaries of the energy. The sun seems to be a replica of non-duality where there is a chaotic amalgamation of energetic potential. The energy that escapes this bastion of non-duality gIves rise to perceivable energetic life forms. Paradoxically contained within the created world are separate multiple iterations of the feminine and masculine, clueing us into the ultimate truth of the situation. We sexually re-create the non-dual by the coming together of the two. We are witness to the fundamental underpinnings of creation.

Some will say all is one and the sophisticated spiritualists among us will say no you’re wrong. By suggesting all is one you are still objectifying as one. What exists is the void, which is another way of saying non-differentiated potential. It’s a linguistic trick to add mystery to the great game. An easier way to explain it would be to refer to the non-differentiation as zero instead of one.

Feminine is the zero state of the non-differentiation of energy. We call that chaos. Masculine is the bringing to order of the chaos through differentiation of one which is objectification. The Lanzon of the pre-Columbian Andean civilization at Chavín de Huántar is an expression of divine chaos. All is together and non-differentiated. Picture the masculine jaguar running headlong along the body of the feminine serpent. The serpent’s vibration creates form and images the universe. The jaguar rushes into this lela with wild abandon.

Here’s an exercise to help you understand: Start out with a thought. What generates that thought? Duality rouses the passions of external wonder. From that initial thought comes thoughts about thoughts about thoughts. The original thought is the mother of all embedded thinking in a giant feedback loop. It would be like peeling an onion to find the core, only to find more peels. From this analogy is discovered the vibrational nature of the universe and a big vibration at the heart of it all. Our universe is string theory, vibrating without the strings or you could say that thought is the string.

Fundamentally, the vibration is the interplay between feminine and masculine. It is enabled by the the magical elixir of electro-magnetic desire that creates the pulse between the two underpinnings of all there is. Everything is the result of the attraction between mom and dad. Everything is cyclical and based upon their state of attraction. The long vibration creates and destroys the universe in an arcing pulse. When the two are sexually embraced as one we have an undifferentiated form known as chaos. At climax, we have the beginnings of the creation of the universe as the spirit of the male gives a charge of life force to the form created by the female. We are living in the coming forth of this creative endeavour which our scientists estimate is 14 billion years old. All life is derivative of this cycle that was enabled by desire and within this one long vibration are infinite number of energetic vibrations subject to this same process in order to create within creation. Every child created by the union of woman and man is a re-creation of the beginnings of our universe.

The vibration is cyclical and eternal. Ever wonder, especially as a child, what came before the universe? This question always vexed me because I would play ideas out to their conclusion. I’d read about the Big Bang but then ask the question what came before the Big Bang? Obviously, now I can see it. Prior to the Big Bang there was a different universe. I wonder what were the underpinnings of this form and what played out in this constructed world? Are there parallels between iterations of creation? I wonder if we will be able to detect clues of an ancient universe or is that left for the mystery to be discovered when I expand my consciousness beyond my mortal coil?

So, I’m curious. What is this seemingly separate electro-magnetic desire that creates the attraction between the two pillars of masculine and feminine of what just is? Mythology gives us an identity of this force. It’s Eros obviously, but it leads to the question of there being a third member of this original twosome, doesn’t it? Not necessarily, as Eros only exist because of the two. Eros comes into being because of the proximity of the two which creates the power from these two to enact the cycle of creation. Left alone, Eros is only potential to come forth as the two near each other. It is Eros that brings the two together and from this idea you can intellectually project that the universe as a child of the original Goddess and God is the coming forth of Eros. All children born into our world are manifestations of desire come forth as a replica of mom and dad and taking on a dominate gender of form in order to create as well. Erosverse!

hell into heaven

I feel alone so I objectify my surroundings to create duality which brings the world to life. When it gets all too much, I seek out the solitary in order to get a break and rest from the madness my mind has created. Whew! What a set-up.

We objectify in order to create a carnival of delights which allow us to have an adventure. Whenever we feel alone, we begin the process all over again. Along the same line of creating, we go to sleep at night into the dark and solitary act of rest, and then we create worlds of wonder and amazement. This seems to be what we do. From the base of darkness comes the light of coming forth by day.

From dreams we can learn so much about ourselves from a psychological perspective. The dream world we craft reflects our basic fears and desires. By using dreams as a template for our lives, it sure seems the world we have arrived in is a reflection of the same process from an obfuscated dreaming mind that is unfolding as it should. We are avatars of the dreaming mind acting within the master’s dream.

The first challenge given to all challengers in the game of life is to survive and from that point we try to transcend our limiting condition. The suffering in the world compels us to seek answers, a way out, or a way to control the game. Accumulating wealth and security offer temporary relief from the condition and is achieved at the expense of the other. Once you are on to the game you can manifest all your desires to the detriment of others. This is how to create suffering.

So, how do we beat the long game of universal suffering? I can beat the culture game and be successful at the expense of others, but I want to know how do we transform hell into heaven for all?

First of all, you must realize the power of the mind to take you to heaven or hell. The mind creates the funhouse. Existence on the earth is truly the divine comedy. The mind is so fun to play with but eventually the sweet sugary goo will become all too much, and you will need a way to stop it or it will drag you down into the deepest of hells when it masters you and it’s early in our lifetime when this happens. When you die, you don't go to hell, you leave the hell you created through the mind. It's a good explanation for some instances of suicide. When you suffer and see no way out of the darkness except by killing yourself, that is a subconscious recognition you are in hell and have an innate sense of how to get out of hell. It's the secret no one is supposed to know.

It is said the mind makes a wonderful servant and a terrible master, yet for most of us the mind is the master. My mind has always been my rock and could not only get me out of any jam but ensured I would be successful at whatever I chose to do in life. I gorged on the apples at the tree of knowledge. In addition, my mind is acutely sharp. Spend some time with me and you’ll see. I’m in constant overdrive, reacting quickly and decisively to whatever is thrown my way while thinking steps ahead.

My mind became my master early in my life and contributed to my cynicism and disdain for culture. I never get depressed or down on myself for never having “made it” because I’ve always been the outsider and the contrarian. Why would I want to be successful in a world I hold in contempt? I’ve never had to prove myself. Though my mind mastered me it was never in turn mastered by culture. The prevailing culture casts spells on weak minds and sucks them into their game. Madness is spawned by culture and inculcated by not being free and I was extremely fortunate to escape this predicament. I’m never going to denigrate my mind, though as I have aged, I realized that to get to the heart, the mind must take a backseat.

I don’t think you can find truth through the turnings of the mind. Modalities that allow you to quiet the mind allow you to become the observer. Becoming aware of your capacity for pure awareness without spinning your perception through the mind seems to be a path to truth. The stark polarity between the racing mind and the morning calm of awareness is quite striking. Of course, my awareness is limited to my senses and intuition therefore the truth is always obfuscated by ignorance and as long as I’m in the vehicle of a body my capacity for truth remains governed.

Meditation is such a training exercise which will allow you to get back to observing without spinning input through your mind. It is a course in awareness, getting back to basics, and training the practitioner to not engage the mind because it is the mind that will create the reaction. The reaction will cause depression, anxiety, worry, and animosity.

The lessons of heaven and hell! Yes, this world can be hell, but it doesn't have to be. It's your choice whether you want to live in hell or heaven. Do I deny the suffering, despair, and the games of power and control that subjugate billions of souls? Is that how I get to heaven in this lifetime? Do I just look away? Well, you do the same denying regarding all the acts of giving and service in the world. You ignore the good and fixate on the bad. Ukraine is hell. Satsang with like-minded adventurers is heaven. Collectively, we were given the keys to an amoral world, and we chose to make it hell. Break free and create your heaven on earth and radiate what you have found outwards to others. It’s infectious and will create a tipping point for the world from hell to heaven one person at a time. My teacher calls it the evolution of consciousness.

Align your journey with the path of the heart. Having clarity on what just is and being of unconditional service to help the other out of the morass is a good way to walk home on this earthbound journey.

perspective of the heart

There seems to be such an interesting paradox at work here in this world. I objectify my surroundings and sometimes feel alone. I seek out others in order to share existence and experience with the other. I live within duality, yet I feel separate. I feel like a solitary being, alone within a smorgasbord of playmates. Conversely, I intuit the lack of senses would enable non-duality and when I think of this paradigm, I envision being merged with all so that even though I don't sense the other, I am the other. Duality forces me towards finding unity and then non-duality compels objectification in order to enable freedom to choose and see what the many from the one will choose. Duality reveals our intentions and nature.

It's very interesting to ponder how we create experience based on our energetic state which gives us perspective. What I mean is that we are cyclic energetic beings. Non-duality and duality are different pit stops on the energetic wave we travel. At full acceleration, we are free, separate, and become fully engulfed within a dualistic universe. As the energetic signature slows, we return to a state of non-dualistic unity and become merged with the one. The genius of the set-up is the constant motion which enables perspective. To freeze the motion is to create a snapshot in time and only then can we label existence as non-dual or conversely a sea of the many we call duality.

Deceleration of energy into concrete form is an invitation towards knowledge of self. The human experience prepares us to once again blast off into the freedom of non-attachment to form. We rebuild the store of energy and from the recoil of being trapped in a physical form, we once again prepare to accelerate to the highest highs. The oscillation of energy is the ultimate roller coaster and as energetic beings we thrive on the adrenaline rush of the carnival's thrills and chills. The body is our desires taking form. We are in a body because it is what we wanted. We wanted to continue on in experiencing all. The grand carnival of the universe is an open invitation for all energetic beings, full of delights, and of course the requisite nausea and stomachache. Gotta take the good with the bad.

The ultimate game we have set-up for ourselves to play is to find unity within duality. Because we are objectification machines, in order to enact unity, we must have faith. Faith in the power of love to get us home. Our senses will lead us astray and our logic processes will not be able to compute a feeling of love. Knowledge and sense perceptions turn you into a blind man when it comes to love. Pretty ingenious don't you think? We are blind when it comes to finding the path of the heart. Sense perceptions obscure what we seek. We are blind to the beauty all around us and we only see the hardship and ugliness. Sometimes we get a glimpse, so we know it's there. The path of the heart is discovered and travelled by letting go of what I think is real from the standpoint of physical perception. Perception is moved from the head into the heart.

The masculine is duality. He is light and the creation of this dazzling display of his essence involves a pulsing from on to off. You could say he is the light, and he is the dark. The divine masculine is acceleration, and he heads towards freedom. The man wants adventure and no attachments. The feminine is unity. She is form and embodies the power of love. Love has no dualistic opposite. Love is constant power while masculine power oscillates. The masculine power touches the feminine's embrace of all in order to decelerate. The pulsing from acceleration to deceleration is the rubber-band that creates the energy which allows creation. Form is deceleration of energy and freedom is the acceleration of the light.

It is the masculine that objectifies the feminine and through this desire creates the duality needed to come to life. The dualistic world of appearances is a man's world. The feminine gives the world form and the objects in the world allow for experience. Objectification creates duality and the recognition of a pattern having a beginning and an end. Life and death are created through delineating events within an inherent unity. The pulse of the masculine creates the eventual decay of the form as it heads towards the freedom of dissolution. Death frees us from form, and we are liberated once again. We accelerate into the astral planes and become high.

As humans, we get lost in identification with the body. It is a necessary course to take in the university of life. Attachment to the ego self creates the urgency to escape the finite body. We can project into the future and see we are going to perish. We are slowly drowning within form and there's no way out. That's a pretty good game. If you lose the attachment to form and learn the ways of vibratory planes you will start to see the way out of the unpleasant ending of biological life. The first time I tried a psychedelic I was given the knowledge of how to traverse the vibratory planes. I left my body and became the most high. I felt I was in a place of exultation, and it was so exhilarating. When I came back down into my body, I remember being dizzy, nauseous, and having to puke. My finger was tapping wildly on the floor of the jungle maloca as the Great Goddess explained to me all is vibration and schooled me in the ways of astral travel. Being so high from the experience made me eager to do it again. The next time I was sent to the hell regions and instead of being high I was so low. I experienced the classic ego death of consciousness explorers and was frightened by the possibility of losing my identity. I was being shown how attached I was to the small self and though I didn't know it at the time, astral travel requires you to give up the idea of who you think you are. You are so much greater and having an attachment to your earthly concept of identity will prevent you from exploring self and your true nature.

My consciousness journey has slowly unraveled like an onion. Like everyone else on this earth, I began from a place of being this lonely being who was trapped in a world that was not of their making. I wondered why am I here and what is this all about? Well, I progressed to the point where I wanted to explore consciousness and I was terribly naive about the avenues available for exploration. The walking foot path towards the inner sanctum through meditation didn't appeal to me. It's a strange contradiction because I'm a very patient person yet within was a desire to go fast in order to explore what I was seeking. I ended up exploring consciousness through psychoactive chemicals at the invitation of the Great Goddess, whom I had discovered in ancient Egypt. Within no time, I found her and was lifted to the highest of highs into a place of exultation. I was shown I was the divine masculine, and she was my Queen. As expected from this experience, I now saw myself as the light so when in the next journey into obfuscated consciousness I was presented with the lowest of the low and darkness, of course I objectified my dark brother as the other. To make a long story short, it took 8 years to give up the attachment to seeing myself solely as the light and objectifying the darkness as the other. I finally accepted it is all me and this integration has allowed me to proceed in the consciousness course to the path of the heart. I am a fully integrated man. I am the creator and the destroyer; the light and the dark. I am the master of transformation. I am the cause of all the suffering in the world and I can lift the whole world out of suffering.

As I enrolled in the Great Goddess' heart course, I again wondered why I objectified her? I know I'm at lesson 101 so of course I feel this way however from past experience I know I am her when seen from a non-dualistic perspective. But I'm not there yet and so though I intuit the two brothers of light and dark within and recognize them as me I don't have that feeling in regard to the feminine.

I know of the sacred triad and see myself as the coming forth of the desire between the divine masculine and divine feminine. Not only that, but I recognize I have come forth as a man in this go round on the wheel of appearances. It took me into my mid-50s to reconcile the two brothers within. I objectified my darkness as the other while identifying with the good light. Eventually, I got the lesson and vaulted past this spiritual block. I still objectify her though. The love of the Great Goddess - my mother and my heart, I still perceive as external. I know she is within, and I will find the way home when I become love. This is why I lack understanding and still objectify her.

Searching for the one is like an onion. The journey is a recursive attempt to find the fount. I keep seeing two. Duality. I look into self and see two brothers. I bring them together and declare my integrated masculine self, but I do not feel whole without a mate. I look for the feminine who makes me complete. Once I find her and recombine, then we recreate the one. I am a piece of the one. When we combine, the sexual metaphor revealed here on earth demonstrates we create another polarity of either male or female. They are a universe unto themselves and seek out a partner to continue creation. The overarching game is separation which compels you to seek wholeness. Wholeness then leads to another instance of separation. Creation continues the eternal wheel of coming and going. When the two combine into one the world stops.

Underlying the eternal nature of consciousness is three. The one within the two that defines the three. To label the paradox of the perspective states of non-duality and duality is the triad. The triad does not come forth; instead, the three is behind all that cyclically comes forth and returns. As one, we search for our mate. We are Eros, compelled to fulfill the magnetic attraction which satiates desire. The discovery of what makes you complete leads to the two becoming one. This is the grand game which spawns many little games within existence. The one comes forth from the two and the game continues on and on.

In visionary experiences, many times the Great Goddess has presented herself as the butterfly. It was hardly surprising as I pondered the question of my objectification of the divine feminine while out in the woods the next day, that the lessons from my heart continued. A butterfly floated past, and I saw within the exquisite grace and movement of the fluttering of its wings a freedom that was expressing to me the answer I was looking for. Soon, the butterfly found her mate and they were fluttering about in unison. The butterfly is the heart and the representation of the Great Goddess. I know this to be true and I saw the union of the feminine and masculine divine creating this unity that was also expressing such freedom. Butterflies glide through the ether seemingly independent of gravity or laws of thermodynamics. I saw non-attachment and I saw unity. I saw the fundamental nature of all - the union of the two powers of Goddess and God. I intuited the lesson and got the answer I was looking for. The hero's journey I travelled on was to prepare me to fight for my freedom because freedom is the power the heart needs to become whole. Without freedom, the heart will attach to everything. Masculine power gives the heart wings and allows love to flourish in freedom and love all.

The lessons of perspective are front and centre. Remember all is here and now. I know that depending on perspective you see separation or unity. I'm in a body and I'm an objectification machine therefore I see separation. I know when I drop the body and merge into the all I will be in unified bliss but will eventually long for the ice cream cone of freedom and separation in order to experience the wonders of self. What I do is sprinkle the illusion of time into this equation of perspective and project a motion path which in the future will allow me to return to wholeness. But all is here and now. Just because I feel separate doesn't mean I am not unified. It's all in how I look at it. Perspective. Everything is happening now.

It leads back to the lessons of heaven and hell and how I am responsible for creating the conditions which result in the presentation of the world. I've been conscious of world events and the suffering within this hellscape we have created. I have this innate feeling that when you drop the body you don't have a chance of going to hell because you are leaving hell. I have also seen via Huachuma and subsequently magic mushrooms that hell is what I have helped create. I can also contribute to creating heaven on earth. The maestro don Howard would tell us that you don't find heaven; you realize it. Don Howard was a Huachumero of the highest order and based on my experience with the plant, this lesson would have been drummed into his head as well. Huachuma allows you to glimpse the unity of all through the heart, if you let grandfather guide you. Don Howard was preparing students to walk the path of the heart.

So, though I project into the future a heaven of all coming together to live in bliss, the possibility exists upon earth. To change perspective is through changing vibration and witnessing the power of love enact what it is we search and long for. The power remains hidden and unlocked for most because the gateway to the heart offers you a power to manifest all desires and control your surroundings. Everyone wants that power and when you figure out you have it it's hard to give it up for what's behind door number 3. I do wish to walk the path of the heart in earnest, and I know I must walk the path without rigging the game. I must approach it of my own accord with free will.

The path of the heart is what you are left with when all else falls away. After you sift through your bullshit, drop attachments, and walk free through the hellfire of transformation is the gift of clarity. You discover who you are and why you did this. You wanted to be put to the test and still find the way back home and that path is the path of the heart. No matter where you are or how lost you have become, love will lead you back home.

perils of psychoactive drugs

I was going into the idea of truth once again and how we can make anything truth by just hypnotizing yourself with belief. It is kind of frustrating that we can’t just have absolute truths we can hang our hat on however I realized that’s what makes the game fun. We live in a universe that is a myriad of patterns of energy we objectify through our senses. We desired these senses so we could use our consciousness to perceive exactly what it is we exist within and subsequently self-reflect. Within our limited senses, we then discover and shape the findings into what we want to manifest. We seem to be capable of transforming energy into whatever we collectively put our minds' towards. I usually think of a washing machine at this point. I mean what drudgery it must have been in the old days to truck heaps of clothes on down to the river in the cold weather to wash your soiled wares.

Can you ever find objective truth? Only in something static like death, or a memory, can you ever find truth. This is because everything, which is energy, is on the move and forever changing. The memory that has stopped transforming has no more tentacles which may alter its remembrance unless we convince ourselves otherwise. How do you define truth on a rollercoaster? That is the beauty of this whole setup we call existence. To reference truth is to take a snapshot in time and assign truth to a memory. Objectification is clinging and desperation to hold on to what we have instead of embracing what may come. We objectify because we are desperate to find lasting meaning to this dream. Our physics is a grasping at trying to find the object at the centre of the universe which makes this all work. We measure and reduce; our measurements being accepted as objective though at their base they are objective by consensus. We bring about order and structure through measurement; though the units of measure are arbitrary and ultimately derived from chaos. Ultimately, to objectify is to lead one towards death. By creating a noun out of an eternal process of change is to turn it to stone. The genius of the eternal is to be in constant motion and transformation. The enemy called death is forever thwarted. Nouns makes us fear death. Ah grasshopper, you are an ever-transforming process moving on from one adventure to the next. Cultural indoctrination points us towards fearing death through identification with the body. Attachment, in this case, causing suffering. Let it go.

Belief is given credence through the power of intention. Desire creates the universe, creates the change, creates the suffering, and creates the destruction. Desire enables the cycle. This world is the result of desire and wanting this experience. Duality is experienced through desire. Eros travels upon the waves of eternity, sailing into and beyond the ports of life and death, light and dark, pleasure and pain. Energy is the transformational magic we seek and we can make it do anything we wish through belief and intention. Our world is a testament to the assertion. Eventually, instead of desiring and searching out knowledge, you become knowledge. Accessing the frequency of knowledge merges into becoming knowledge when you change your vibration.

To know you exist, you need an echo. A system of feedback. So, the clever invention of time which acts as a resonator. Time echoes so that you know you exist; thus, I am. We invent time and subsequently worry it is running out on us. The illusion is time. Time is a confidence game. You need motion to define time. Time is a plotted graph point on an undulating pattern of energy which is complete and timeless. Vibration is all there is. Everything has already happened; we are just defining moments through our peculiar ability to be able to perceive change. We are champions of objectification and therefore can live in duality which gives rise to the discernment of a passage of time. You might say then that we don’t have free will or basic freedom if everything has already happened. Paradoxically we do, though granted it is an illusion and one we can’t escape from. Try it out. Touch your nose at your own accord. Your actions might be baked into the singularity but you are shielded from it. The watercourse flows on. You can try to swim against the current but regardless it carries you along.

final exam

I was taught that within I house Jesus and also Satan. I was taught who I think I am is a concept. I'm an actor so involved in playing my part, I forgot who I am.

I enrolled in the consciousness course about a decade ago and like most good teachings, you are given a little bit of knowledge at a time. From the knowledge, comes understanding, and once you gain that level of mastery of the subject you can move forward in the course with confidence. Too much knowledge at once will just further confuse the student. I've had glimpses of advanced knowledge I did not understand which in turn would lead to conclusions which were destined to change. My blog space here is a testament to that assertion in that I would get ahead of myself instead of letting everything unfold in due time. This is part of everyone's process and it is important to acknowledge that your beliefs will change a thousand times as you accumulate knowledge and understanding. Remaining open to change is among the most important of attributes to carry with you on the educational journey.

What I find fascinating is the beginner lessons of a decade ago laid the groundwork for the advanced teachings of the present. If I was given the advanced teachings at the outset, they would have been wasted as I would have marvelled at the knowledge but would have no understanding of what I was shown. Subsequently, I'd be left twisting in the wind, spouting knowledge I had no idea how to articulately convey to another, or even reconcile within my own mind. At the outset of the course I was taught to free myself. I was treated as a separate being who needed to throw off the chains of culture. I wasn't given understanding of my true nature as of yet; but instead, encouraged to become the hero and slay the dragon. The subsequent adventure into the labyrinth of self uncovered the truth of who I am.

The latest teachings, which began in earnest around March 2020, have been quite the journey. I can explain the course as composed of delving into the duality of self with the first stop being a deep dive into the shadow. My benefactor spent a lot of time preparing me for the eventual cordial meet and greet with the darkness. Previously, I had run scared from the encounter and as a response, had learned courage and bravery from the master earlier in my education. I was ready for the advanced lessons now that it was clear I wouldn't run screaming from what I would be shown. I had been preparing for a while and had experimented with short trips into my own darkness but kept its presence at arm's length. I knew I had to let go and go deep and was preparing for this eventuality. The worldwide pandemic hit at this point and my teacher had other ideas. And so he taught me about the shadow and let me come to terms with my own bad self through self-reflection. When I was ready, he introduced the sacred mushroom and presented to me my shadow.

At first, I still objectified my shadow as the other. I did not want to accept I was the bad guy and responsible for all the suffering in the world. I did not want to accept that the presentation of the world is an accurate reflection of just who I am and who we are collectively as a species. The world as is, is the truth. You may deny it. You may say this is crazy and we are not like this. We don't individually inflict this level of suffering. However, the proof is in the pudding. This is the world we have constructed when left to our own devices. You can bury the shadow but you can't bury the consequences of your actions.

Immediately after this encounter I posited that I was the good guy and he was the bad guy. I knew he was me but I didn't want to fully accept it; so, I still retained the dualistic interpretation of the masculine human psyche and claimed the good guy for myself. I had some of the truth but didn't understand. I have noticed a pattern with my lessons in that they are the opposite of what the external group dynamic is. When we collectively teach religious ideals in culture we point towards the light. From this perspective, the student takes on the role of the degenerate who needs the salvation as offered by the light. The student identifies with the bad and works towards becoming the good. My teachings, on the other hand, allowed me to identify with the light and pointed me towards understanding the dark as opposed to cultural methods that further bury that part of you.

Once I accepted I was also the bad guy and started to internally process this knowledge, I was presented with the concept of the light within. I was given the understanding of the role of a figure such as Jesus Christ in the external and internal world. It was pointed out the encounters I had with this power were undeniable and so I had to sit with the lessons of being shown not only the darkness within but also the light. I was shown the two brothers within my psychic makeup and how over the course of my lifetime they have always been contending for the role of captain on this vessel. The ship had been given a name and cultural identity in a world I became form over 50 years ago.

Subsequently, I was reminded that who I think I am is just a construct made up for the convenience of culture. I was given a name and identity and told I was nothing and had to make it in this world. I play it small because I think I'm small. I have spent the majority of my life not knowing who I am! From the teachings of the master it was revealed to me I am everything. He showed me fundamentally I am not only Jesus but also the Devil, all wrapped up in a bag of skin. I am the creator and the destroyer. I am all, manifest. Neato!

This is the teaching and the knowledge allows me to write the final exam on this course and pass with flying colours.

Now that I have this understanding, the obvious question is why am I here and what am I going to do about it? The teachings are going towards transformation from intellectual understanding to actually putting them into practice. I know why I did this. I created the universe through the interplay of my polar extremes, to wit the light and the dark, in order to understand self. I see I perpetuate the division because of the nature of self. The next part of the course is the path of the heart. I am to temper my extremes with love and find balance. The Great Goddess has always encouraged me to continue on this path of discovery. She encouraged me to slay the dragon once I had the courage to engage. The futile act of trying to slay self was an eye opener and led me to investigate the monster within. At every point she was there to make sure I continued on, offering me protection and refuge when necessary, as well as giving me the impetus to move forward in my quest.

mycelium exploration

When I first tried magic mushrooms I got what I wanted in terms of a deep dive into the shadow and the experience was so strong I was unsure I wanted to do them again. This hesitancy was not due to fear but rather I found the whole night to be difficult and the draining of my energy was something to take into consideration as it takes a few days to recover. Within a few days, I knew I would trip again as the insights were very rewarding and now that I had some bearing on what the mushroom trip entails, I could prepare myself more for what is to come. I know I'm not going to experience the shiny and happy trips of innocent wayfarers as my introspective nature and prior experience with psychedelics will always usher me towards the fringes of the mystery.

Something I realized with the mushroom is how little an amount you have to ingest and how relatively easy they are to acquire. Because of this, there is a simple way to introduce someone who is interested in altering their consciousness into this mysterious world. It's all right there waiting for you. Just a slight alteration of consciousness will send you on a path towards waking up and once awake there's no turning back. It's all choice in how you want to use this knowledge and power. For sure, they are not for everyone and indeed I have been struck by the power and profundity of the experience from just two dried mushrooms. I feel confident in their solo use but for a novice explorer I would not recommend such a method because they are so powerful. They do have the capacity to scare you shitless, much like I experienced the second time I drank Ayahuasca. That session could have easily spiralled out of control into a bad ending had it not been for the ceremonial aides who kept an eye on me while I was having my freak out.

I tried a different strain of the mushroom, this one called "Amazon". Heck I know the Amazon jungle! It's where I first tried psychedelics. Nostalgia is calling out to me, lol! I measured out just under 2 grams, as that is my dose. Mushrooms for me are so strong and I don't need more in order to go off into unchartered territory. The visuals from 2 grams are as strong as Ayahuasca. The split in my psyche is present and I can explore. The intoxication as presented gives me the same kind of feeling as any prior psychedelic journey and the ripping of reality into energetic patterns is pretty much the same.

The first time I tripped with magic mushrooms I kept my eyes open for a lot of the initial phase and it resulted in my surroundings becoming fluid with a great sense of the hypnotic nature of the tryptamine intoxication. As I awaited the onset of the mushroom this time, I actually felt a little bit of fear and anxiety, which I couldn't shake. I kept my eyes closed for most of the journey with the result being a very intense visionary experience. The intoxication took hold as the song "Medicine Chant" by Anilah was playing. The visuals started in a familiar fractal presentation of a performance of the spectrum of light. I felt a little trepidation about how this journey was beginning, not being sure what this visual presentation would evolve into. I steadied the ship, kept my wits about me, and then this epiphany struck: I always fight these introductory visuals instead of just enjoying the show. I finally understood this light show was the Goddess putting on a divine performance. I don't know why I fear the onset; I finally realized this dance of energetic form is her giving me an otherworldly performance. I let go and realized this was the opening act to a grand adventure and then I saw the incredible beauty which was at hand. The symmetry and artistry in combination with the multi-layered brilliance of Anilah's musical composition was breath-taking. I cannot possibly describe what I witnessed so I'm not going to even try. What a show! This is something to look forward to in any subsequent trip now that I finally got it.

My first trip with the mushroom was centred on my inner masculine split and a lifting of the veil between us. I did not intuit the presence of the Goddess and thus categorized my mushroom trip as being a modality without her presence. She decided to have fun with me and school me right off the start of this second voyage. As mentioned, the night opened with a sublime performance of the grace and beauty of the Goddess. There she was in all her glory putting on a celestial show for the ages. Wow! A performance of legendary and cosmic proportions for the full 15 minutes of this stunning musical composition. I buried my face in the palms of my hands due to the emotional outpouring of love and the grandeur of the performance. I was stunned. Grateful. Head in hands emotional. I felt that if this was it for the night, it was complete and a smashing success. As the song concluded, the energetic outpouring which defined this performance tapered off and the visions became more scenic and playful in conjunction with the music of Trevor Hall which had an eastern flavour to it. I started to envision multiple dream worlds that would populate my mind's eye. With an opening of the eyes I could make the created world go away and upon closing my eyes a new world would form. I let go of my thoughts and the experience was all play. The magic mushroom trip sure was fun and blissful. I remembered the line from a Beatles' song, "turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream." I now definitely see the appeal of such a fun trip with psychedelics as it was indeed a gas to continuously create different worlds. My music playlist abruptly switched to two songs by the grunge band Alice in Chains. They are depressing songs and the first one called "Nutshell" has the singer lamenting he is not free and considering suicide. As the intro to the song played, the vibe in my visions became dark, almost like a sudden storm approached where the temperature drops and it gets dark. I felt the pull of the depression the singer was emoting try to pull me into that world with fellow travellers on a ship ahead of me beckoning and trying to seduce me into following them into the pit of despair. I know I love this song because of the heart wrenching pouring out of the guy's soul which translates into such a compelling tune. I resisted the pull and just observed how these feelings create and shape our world. How we actually perceive the world is a direct result of our inner life which is crafted by how we feel. The next song was "Would" and it was a raw live performance. From a bird's eye perspective, I saw a crowd of people cheering on the band. Again, I got a very dark feeling and a large dragon appeared in the middle of the crowd. The song is about drug abuse, specifically heroin, and the dragon is the great destroyer. I intuitively knew this and so I marvelled at this vision instead of the old me who would have been scared out of his wits at the sight of a menacing dragon. I felt empathy with the crowd who at this point were representing the addiction of the band. I saw the dragon grow in size and I intuited a connection with a world that is getting very dark. My playlist transitioned into four psychedelic Beatles songs and I relaxed and reclined in my chair and just enjoyed the show. Soon after, I tired of the visions and listening to music so I decided to turn it off and go lay down. About an hour and a half had passed which was about the same time as my first trip when I turned off the music and decided to lay down.

This strain of mushroom was decidedly more playful than the first. They were equal in their intensity though I'd say the second trip had less of a defined edge to it and I was more in tune with the visions. When I got up to go lay down on the sofa, I noticed the energetic pulse throughout the room, something which is familiar to me from drinking Ayahuasca. To describe it is as such - there is a slight discombobulation of the fabric of being where the illusion is slightly off, not all together, and I see it as this subtle pink, purple, and a green kind of presentation which is making up the world. It looks like it is revealing that this world is a vision as well but one we have convinced ourselves is real so we don't see that it is just another illusion. When I laid down the visionary activity did not want to cease and it took me into yet again another meeting with my brother, my shadow, much like my first experience where the veil between us was lifted and I had to play psychologist for almost three hours. This time I witnessed the utter domination and power which my shadow has over the world and how it manifests. He's the god of the world and has almost everyone worshipping him in some form. Power. We all want a slice of that pie. It was tough to watch. I objectified him as the other to stave off self-hatred as the suffering and depravity he caused was terrible. How is forgiveness possible for such acts? Think of the worst things that humans do to each other and that's what I saw my shadow was responsible for. The enormity of change and forgiveness required to reconcile seemed all too great. The reckoning soon came.

I'm complicit in this debacle because I do nothing about it. Indeed, I use it to my benefit. It's a zero-sum game and for myself to live in comfort someone else has to suffer. It is just easier and convenient to project this malfeasance onto my shadow and bury the knowledge of it. This way I can attribute the suffering to him, the other, and be horrified but done with it. It's not me so I'll try and make it better but I'm not the one responsible. Soon, I saw the error in my thinking knowing that I was objectifying the shadow as the other in order to escape blame for the world's suffering. He is my brother and I'm as much him as he is me. He creates and I introduce calm so there is some sort of balance and stability to the madness until the unencumbered energetic force comes pouring out again. I saw this dragon was me. I see this in my fellow game players. Wow - we are all masters of deception. Surely, I'm not the only one though I realize I'm one of the few who are awake and can clearly see it. My brother hates me because I'm the self-righteous asshole who tries to stand above the fray and take no responsibility. I'm the passive aggressive one who takes his share of the bounty and lives his life of comfort while others suffer and then points at the objectified nameless shadow and says, "Look, it's all his fault. He's the despicable one!"

Play! All we do is squabble. We created this world and instead of having a grand adventure we get under each other's skin and argue, fight, and then destroy. We create suffering as payback to being slighted in the tiniest of ways.

My shadow has always threatened to kill me when the veil drops and I enter his world. He didn't threaten me this time. It's because I know I'm him and even though I started out this experience by objectifying him as the other, as I searched for answers I had to accept he is me. Killing me is killing myself. I'm awake and trying to figure out the answers to why I need to continually fight my brother. Why am I loathe to admit I'm the scoundrel? I think that's the reason. It's easier to blame the other.

In the Old Testament, the Garden of Eden is a metaphor for the human heart. The four rivers flowing into and out of the home we long to return to are representing the four valves of our physical human heart. Upon gaining the eye-opening awareness from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil after the apple incident with the serpent, Eve and Adam are no longer pure of heart and thus thrown out of the Garden. Scripture then becomes a story of the longing to return to the heart. A careful reading of the conclusion of the Book of Revelation will reveal that Christianity considers itself the guide and answer which will lead the adherent back to this initial state of purity. Here are the first two verses from the concluding chapter 22 (New International Version).

1 Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb

2 down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations.

We find only mentioned the tree of life from the Garden of Eden. No longer referenced is the tree of knowledge, which will lead your heart astray.

Now, it is definitely not my intention to shepherd you towards Christianity. I just like to point out connections and common human afflictions and their offered solutions as I see them.

This world is a creation of our own making. The masculine provides the infinite amount of energy and the feminine gives the energy form. Within each gendered provider are contending forces. I am privy to my split in the masculine coming forth of the energy. I see my brother as the raging source of power who has the ability to control all. I provide the balance so that the universe isn't just one big outpouring of non-stop creation that would fill up the room until no one could breath. I'm the AC to his DC. I slow things down allowing for a little calm, peace, and an independent experience so we can marvel at what has come forth and have an adventure. This universe and the earth we inhabit are awesome. We created this masterpiece in order to have adventures and play. Instead, our world is defined by strife and conflict and this mindset has permeated all our interactions with our fellow game players. We are divided and all we do is fight. I hate my brother and in return he wants to punish me. Why? Why do we hate each other? We have lost the spirit of sharing and co-operation. We both want it all for ourselves. Haven't we reached the point yet where we take it all for our self and then realize we have no one left to play with? Is that what we want? Do we want just pure obeisance to our omnipotent power? I want a playmate. I want everyone to live out their dreams. This universe was created so we could do just this and instead we are divided, we create new ways to stay separated, and we just fight. It is so sad. The way out as I see it is the path of the heart. The solution is to take our divided polar extremes and bring them to the centre, the axis mundi, the heart space, where we learn about love for all. Love and respect for all.

We are headed full on towards destruction. In the aftermath, we will sit upon the mountain top of eternity lamenting our failure to find love. Do we repeat the experiment knowing full well the suffering we caused by our inability to love one another? The Great Mother tells me the answer is love. It's the only way out. Don't ever put the other out of your heart no matter how pissed you get at each other. The love of the Goddess is the elixir needed. To change the paradigm of the world means to embrace radical and unconditional love. Practice it until it becomes second nature. It is our way out of this mess. The path back home begins with the first step towards love.

The night sure felt like a lifetime and the dazzling opening show presented by the Great Goddess seemed to be a long time ago. The clock was past the 6 am mark and I was exhausted. The trip with the mushroom leaves me drained of energy and at my age it is a two-day recovery process. For the first time I understood fully why at Ayahuasca retreats a day off is given in-between ceremonies. The night with Ayahuasca is taxing but I find the morning after is quite exhilarating and the afterglow allows you to recover faster from the outpouring of energy and I'm ready to go despite the lack of energy. With the mushroom, I find it is a constant outpouring of non-replenished energy. While I was creating new world after new world while reclined on my chair, my foot was shaking quite intensely with the power being exerted to create new worlds. I noticed the next day the total lack of energy. Usually when I smoke tobacco I can enter into a meditative state and feel the energy rippling through my body. This time there was nothing. It was a full two days before I felt the return of a detectable level of energy.

I have now journeyed twice with magic mushrooms and I have to say I am quite amazed by their power. I see the similarities with Ayahuasca as well as the differences. They are both psychedelic experiences and I can't say whether one is better than the other or make some proclamation that either will lead you to what it is you are looking for. I want to say you don't have to travel large distances to explore consciousness if that is not in the cards for you. That being said, I wouldn't trade my journeys into the jungle and mountains of Peru for anything. They remain an essential part of the story of my life and I'm grateful I had the opportunity to embark on these very special voyages. What I'm saying is if the universe is calling out to you to wake up, you can create your own story based upon your circumstances. Don't think you need to do it in some proscribed way in order to find what it is you are looking for. Ayahuasca is indeed magical however if it is not feasible there are other ways. I can compare it to the multitude of religious avenues available to one who has a calling towards that modality of spiritual exploration. Explore and examine what resonates with your circumstance and then witness the doors opening up for you to keep going on the journey. The omnipotent you wants you to wake up and all you have to do is to take that first step. Once you walk through the doorway, the path will light up, you'll see that yellow brick road, and all you have to do is keep following it.

reflection of self

I am.

I am yet I didn't know I. From I, I became the mother and the father. I created my universe. I impregnated the mother and birthed myself into my own world. The world is a reflection of self. The creation of the world is through the objectification of my polar extremes. I see my naked self. No filters. I did all this in order to understand self and find reconciliation with just who I am. Being honest with myself and owning the suffering in my world compels me to seek answers. The answers are found in the middle; in the heart space where I temper my powerful extremes with love. Love seems to be the answer.

The heart creates the pulse in our body derived from the master heartbeat. The rhythm is the connection to the vibratory nature of being and our way back home. All is vibration. The effluence of the vibration is an energetic tour de force that comes forth from the mother. From this new-found power comes conscious awareness which we use to divide and objectify what just is. Awareness of the other leads to thoughts which give rise to feelings.

Relativity is carried upon the back of the eternal vibration which gives rise to perspective. As we look through the prism of what just is, we create our story. What adventure would you like?

This universe is your universe and no one else can lay claim to your world. Others will steal your power through manipulation of fear and separateness and you willingly exchange your birthright for food and shelter. I want you to understand that the universe you perceive is unique to only you and it is through internal agreements we make about reality that allows us to inhabit someone else's world. A world we share but are privy to our unique perspective. Why do I need you to accept this premise? Well, without it I cannot teach you about power and magic. When I finally convince you that you are the all and this world is of your making from your own unique point of view, you will have the key which allows you to control and change the world. Whether you want to do that is another story; however, it is important you are shown this power. From this standpoint, you will then see how you already are sabotaging your own life and have conspired subconsciously to place yourself into the position from which you now operate. Conversely, you will see how those you think are successful in the game of life perpetuate their way of life.

Paradoxically, the other in their own bubbles, to wit a universe of their own making, are the many all derived from the one. To simplify, who you see are emanations of the great I; an amalgamation of the dreaming mind stitched together into a web of consciousness.

In order to sense this universe of duality you have to live in the middle world. My polar extremes are only discernible in a world where I stand in the middle and can see them. Your universe is created through the interaction of your extremes. You know - light and dark, hot and cold, happiness and suffering, pleasure and pain. You stand in the middle of it all and bring this world to life.

Try out these mental exercises: Why do we eat? To satiate hunger and find peace so we can get on with life. Why do we seek out sexual gratification? To quell the urge within so we can be at peace. Why do we exercise? To calm the internal fire that needs an outlet. So we can spend a few moments sufficiently exhausted in order to relax before the peacefulness sends us off into sleep where we renew the life force within and the cycle repeats. These are all examples of taking the extremes within the body and bringing them to centre in order to find balance. If you overeat in order to satiate hunger, you aren't going to feel well, possibly vomit, and long term become obese. You missed the lesson of balance and now you suffer from the inability to grasp the teachings at hand.

Love is found in the middle of the two polar extremes. The enlightened sage is just as far from this love as the degenerate. I had to walk the path towards fool's gold for quite some time before I got the teaching. I climbed the mountain, reached the summit of my spiritual beatitudes, got one up on my fellow seekers, and as a result found out it was just another game which keeps us separated. Oh look, he's such a wise man; a guru for our technological troubled times. What are you doing? This is just perpetuating the divide, knowing full well most humans will not reach the pinnacle of enlightenment unless someone else tells them they have accomplished this spiritual endgame. It's true. Most will keep going on the hamster wheel, spinning and spinning, all because they are looking for external acknowledgement of something that will never come. If I have you under my spell and am extracting prestige and wealth from you why would I ever let you in on the fact you are already enlightened? I mean if you haven't figured out the game yourself then maybe you deserve it? The philosophical genius Alan Watts explains this very phenomenon:

So, there are all sorts of people in the religious racket who are going through revolving doors. And they’re very bitter about people who walk right through and leave the door behind, because they say, “You haven’t paid enough respect.” You must really understand religious one-upmanship. It’s a tremendously important thing. And don’t be caught out by this, because what happens is: there’s a little game going on, which I’m going to initiate you into. And it’s played in Zen, which is… it works like this: if you go to a teacher and ask for spiritual instruction, or even if you come to a seminar like this, you are—by doing that—confusing yourself, because you are looking for what you are asking for outside; as if someone else could give it to you, as if you didn’t have it. So, the teacher knows that, as long as you do that, you haven’t understood. But he doesn’t just tell you to go away. Or he may, sometimes, just say, “Go away, I’m too busy. And in any case, I can’t tell you anything.” Well, people won’t take that for an answer. They won’t take no for an answer. And furthermore, if he just said, “Go away,” they would just find some other teacher who would exploit them, and maybe keep them as followers for years and acquire a great deal of money by so doing.

What he does is another thing. He tries to give them the putdown, as if to say, “You have a great, long distance to go yet. Your attainment is not at all perfect.” And they’re always talking about other sects and other schools, and saying, “Well, they haven’t really got the point,” see? So that you keep losing faith in yourself and feeling, “My goodness, I haven’t yet attained this thing.” And that keeps you working. But all the time you’re being talked out. It’s like someone who’s a pickpocket, and he’s stolen your own watch and is selling it to you. But just so long as you can be talked out of yourself, you deserve to be!

Now, you become very aware of this if you ever do, momentarily, slip into some sort of a mystical experience. You become aware of this tremendous gamesmanship going on. And you see it as sort of continuous with all sorts of cosmic games that are going on: of creatures eating other creatures up, and the creatures that get eaten, of course, transform themselves into the creatures that eat them, and then in turn eat other creatures. And you see the whole hide-and-seek game going on, and then you realize very clearly that the state of development that you are in, now, is no better and no worse than anybody else’s state. Because it’s like space again. Which star is in the best position? Well, it’s all equal. They’re all in the middle. Anyone can be considered as the center one. Any point on a sphere is the center of the surface of the sphere. So, in the same way, everybody—in all his behavior, whatever he’s doing—whether we call him from a certain point of view sick or whether we call him healthy, whether we call him good or bad, neurotic, normal, psychotic, sane—all the manifestations are just like the leaves on the trees, and in each being in a unique way is (as Christians would say) manifesting the will of God.

So, there really—from that point of view, you see—there is nothing to do to attain Buddhahood. Nothing at all. But, you see, that’s very difficult to understand because a lot of people, when they hear that there’s nothing to do, try to do nothing! And you can’t! Because you are karma, and karma means action. You can’t do nothing. But the thing you’re looking for (or think you’re looking for) is what you’re doing, is what’s called you. Only, of course, as we all know, we’ve got ourselves into the idea that oneself is so difficult to see. Because it’s like, as I’ve often said, trying to bite your own teeth or look into your own eyes, and you can’t find it. It’s always behind. It’s like your head is, from the optical point of view, a blank space. Neither light nor dark. It’s right in the middle of everything.

This world is all you and you hold all the cards. All you have objectified as the other is in fact emanations of your ability to objectify. A divine prismatic ability which is the superpower that sustains this world. The friend you meet on the street is you who strangely enough has the same abilities as you do so that they may convince themselves of their separateness and have an adventure. When you finally realize and accept the inseparability of all and see we are just looking at self from multiple perspectives you realize of course you are god. You are everything! You are god and the devil all rolled into one.

If you meet a peddler of enlightenment, ask them about Satan and their relationship to him. Do they still keep him buried without even an acknowledgement of his existence? Are they so far along their holy path they no longer have to deal with him? The true sage is fully aware of their own rascality.

In essence, we fear psychological death and this prevents us from discovering the truth. We cannot come to terms with the death of the mind. The mind is what keeps the illusion going and makes you really believe you are this separate being. Our minds are attached to our unique body because that's how we perpetuate the con. Once the body goes, the vehicle which allows the mind to convince us we are a perceived distinct being is dissolved and we are left with nowhere to stand. One who makes the claim of enlightenment will of course welcome death and the transition onwards to the next adventure which they have originally created for themselves. I can't tell you what it is; it would ruin the surprise.

hell has a gate

It was 2017 when I turned 50 that I completed the holy climb up the mountain and discovered love is the answer. It was the fifth year of my involvement with plant medicines and I knew after that trip I didn’t have to search anymore. I could be content with what I had discovered. I saw the unity within us all and that the elixir to make us come together is love. There was no certificate handed out denoting my enlightenment; however, I was aware I had the answer. At any rate, the caretakers and bestower of enlightenment frown upon the shortcut of drug use to obtain the status. It’s best to sit in meditation for a quarter century, pay obeisance to the guru, sweep up at the ashram, and hope the twin graces of wisdom and understanding descend upon you. See, even after all I have been through, I maintain my wit and sarcasm.

The importance of completing the climb up the mountain to the light is reflected in the second phase of my journey. I had a bit of a pause but decided I wanted to continue on. I’d seen the light but onwards I set sail for adventures unbeknownst to me. Really, I decided to continue on rudderless and see where this journey would take me. I guess if I really thought about it, of course I would have realized after the light once again the destination is the dark. My ship headed back into the dark. The waters were relatively calm as I headed down the river Styx towards Hades. I’m currently at the gates of hell and I know the password. I guess I’ll see you on the other side.

Become the light? Become the darkness. Becoming the light is avoidance of the darkness. The path up the mountain to become a renunciate and a holy man is the pathological outcome of all the expectations placed upon you by culture. It’s another way to reach the top of the ladder of success. Instead of the financial power game, you went for the spiritual game and now await the praise of your peers for your exemplary holiness. What a fucking crock. Just let it go already. Becoming the darkness allows you to turn towards the light and reconcile all. The masculine strives for the light. He is born in darkness; the darkness of the feminine. He takes the light of reason and discovery and creates this world of separate objects. He builds and subsequently destroys. The feminine is darkness. Within the cavern, she births new light from the non-differentiated chaos which is her essence. She is unity and love; it is light that separates and brings an end to her clinging and longing to hold her family together. The masculine spirit wants to explore and be free.

The masculine is the proprietor of the conditions which create duality and the self. The self is created by seeing differences in the environment and our fellow sentient beings. A difference is a condition. We create reality in that we can see differences or we can choose to see it all as one connected organism. To not see conditions is to just see all as is. To act unconditionally in a world you choose to see with differences is impossible; however, the striving towards this game of unconditionality is a non-starter without objectification. Unconditional love is based upon duality and can only be attempted because of the power of the masculine. The relationship of the two divine powers is contentious but ultimately, they need each other.

Nobody will find the answer because no one dares to tread the spiritual path into the basement of the soul. That’s left for the insane and the marginalized. Culture does not approve. The spiritual path is not populated by those who seek liberation from culture. Instead, they culturalize spirituality. They preach unity within the bounds of accepted dogma. I understand I have to go it alone and maintain my independence. This has to always be at the forefront of my seeking. Noted American libertarian Henry David Thoreau said, “Wherever you may seek solitude, men will ferret you out and compel you to belong to their desperate company of odd fellows.” These others desperately want you to join their enterprise in order to justify its existence. It’s a narrow path to walk in order to maintain autonomy over one’s spiritual path yet gain support in the way of friends. Life is tough without it. Recent events and the disappointment inherent in humanity has emboldened my thinking and resolve. I can count on myself, my inner guides, and as Ringo so eloquently states in Sergeant Pepper’s: “A little help from my friends."

material things and cosmic gamblers

If you have a boat that over the years you have maintained by replacing all its parts is it still the same boat? If your body completely regenerates itself over the course of seven years are you still the same person? The answer is found in the objectification of everything which we by default participate in. You are a happening; a continuous flow of energy, ever transforming, until this meat body expires and a new vehicle is engaged. What is meant then by your heart? Your soul? Well, what does your heart do? It beats out a rhythm and that signature music is as close as you can come to defining you. Intuitively, we choose to define someone's essence by how good their heart is. Don't be afraid of intuition; the language we choose for ethereal meanings contains within it hidden gems derived from this innate knowledge.

When we objectify we want to possess. Is desire the result of all this objectification? A woman wants to embody desire and being an object of desire is necessary for her to feel complete. There is a feeling of a magic spell being involved in all of this in that feminine energy assumes a form that energizes masculine consciousness to pursue this object of his desire. Being powered up, he then notices he is aware and from this point he brings the world into being. 

Your vibration on a march towards physical expiration slows to a state of near latency and from this condition we can reconnect to the master frequency, which is total conscious awareness of everything. Some call it higher consciousness. This awareness is in contrast to the individuated local consciousness to which we currently subscribe. Eventually, we may once again desire to head off into the paradigm of self. Roll the dice and once more play the game.