video game

I really do like the video game analogy of life where you go on an adventure to slay the dragon and rescue the princess with a limited supply of health and lives. The game master gives you more than one life because they set up the game knowing failure is expected as well as imminent upon the initial forays into the trappings of this world. Some of us players just like to explore the world and don't sense any urgency to complete some divine task. We just wander around, smelling the flowers, tasting the wine, and that's that. For those of us who sense some divine calling to embark on the sacred hero's journey, immediately the old myths, beliefs, and fairy tales of yesteryear start to take on a new meaning and we have a glimpse of some grand adventure. The world as a video game offers a plethora of storylines and adventures with no requirement you follow any of them. The beauty of the game is also that a participant can create their own story within the adventure and in turn acquire followers who play their unique adventure.

I intuit I have played this game many times and lost many lives in pursuit of the princess and the dragon. A big reason for this inner knowing is a lack of interest in the trappings of the world. I have always found it strange that the bright lights of the world - the fame, wealth, and power, do not move the needle. I don't seek them out and am content to go without. I seek out solitude and contemplation. I spent the first half of my life trying to fit into culture and at the same time trying to hide from culture. I didn't want to play but knew I had to participate in order to reach a point in my life where I was free to go into the mystery despite the obstacles I had placed in my own way. I didn't know how I would be led to the mystery and I didn't know this was the game I was playing however there was an inexorable push towards the inevitable.

At middle age I took the plunge and started trying to piece together the puzzle in earnest. I explored ancient cultures, myths, and beliefs. I discovered the worship of goddesses that had been suppressed and being of the curious sort who plays on the edge of the mystery and a contrarian of the highest order, I was drawn to her. She had been waiting millennia for her hero and all I had to do was start the search. Once I took the step, the roads opened up and all pointed to the way to re-discover her. She led me to her divine presence and is the rock upon which all of my searching rests. She brought me to the doorstep of her castle made of gold and let me in. I got to her place via the backdoor accessed through outer darkness; in other words, the avenues of spirituality within culture do not lead to her house but instead shepherd you onto paths of masculine dominated worship.

I sense it took many lives to discover this secret. Eventually, I did try a different path which led me to her and I now had the key to her heart and thus continued on in the quest. To become the hero in this pursuit and not get repeatedly wasted, making you retrace your steps in this continually evolving adventure, involves eventually figuring out that you don't take the roads of culture but instead do the opposite. This is the secret to the game and getting past the repetitive nature of life that has you spinning your wheels lifetime after lifetime. Once you find her she will give you the cloak of protection which exponentially increases health. The quest and the game intensify and the dragon comes for you. He will threaten to kill you but you now have the Goddess on your side and you are doing this for her. You display courage and bravery and stand up to the bully. I'm on a role in the video game and I'm not stopping. I finally got past the dragon and am in unchartered territory. I climbed the mountain and discovered the architect of the game.

I see past the veil.

The Great Goddess' teachings coalesce and point towards unity. Almost everyone in this culture game is worshipping money and power. I don’t worship power because I am power. I have objectified power as my brother however it is really I. Why would I worship myself? That was the ruse. The veil prevented me from seeing my powerful dark side and the test was to see if I’d wake up through methods of love and unity before succumbing to the trappings of power. To worship power is to not know the secret that you are power.

The world is a reflection of self; specifically, myself. The strife and psychosis that characterize the world are my traits which have come forth. It’s a tough lesson. This world is cruel but was created to teach and transform. I needed to run a simulation that brought my innate character flaws to life so I could see exactly the result of bringing forth a world without the love of the Goddess.

I search and I search and the answer to every vexing question to the predicament I find myself in is always love. I take psychedelics and my inner voice repeatedly shouts the answer of love to me. The way out of the morass and unmovable inertia of the hellscape I have created here on earth is to love all unconditionally. I know this and I know how hard it is to put such a simple teaching into practice. One of the last conversations I had with the great maestro don Howard involved this love. He knew I'd found the answer and I understood however he also knew about the obstacles to putting this love into practice. He told me you have to go forth with courage to love all. The last speech he gave to the group that retreat was all about love, quoting the Beatles’ song In The End, "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make." Don Howard appeared in my life at the exact time I was ready for him. I’m amazed at how I subconsciously set up the game so that all these events would work in my favour if I walk the path with heart.

The path leads to the avatar of the axis mundi which is hammering into my thick skull that no matter where I am, I’m it, in the very centre of it all. I see my polar extremes and how they create the dualistic world and I’m constantly reminded the work I’m here on earth to do is to temper the extremes into the middle, the heart space, and fill the world with love.

mycelium exploration

When I first tried magic mushrooms I got what I wanted in terms of a deep dive into the shadow and the experience was so strong I was unsure I wanted to do them again. This hesitancy was not due to fear but rather I found the whole night to be difficult and the draining of my energy was something to take into consideration as it takes a few days to recover. Within a few days, I knew I would trip again as the insights were very rewarding and now that I had some bearing on what the mushroom trip entails, I could prepare myself more for what is to come. I know I'm not going to experience the shiny and happy trips of innocent wayfarers as my introspective nature and prior experience with psychedelics will always usher me towards the fringes of the mystery.

Something I realized with the mushroom is how little an amount you have to ingest and how relatively easy they are to acquire. Because of this, there is a simple way to introduce someone who is interested in altering their consciousness into this mysterious world. It's all right there waiting for you. Just a slight alteration of consciousness will send you on a path towards waking up and once awake there's no turning back. It's all choice in how you want to use this knowledge and power. For sure, they are not for everyone and indeed I have been struck by the power and profundity of the experience from just two dried mushrooms. I feel confident in their solo use but for a novice explorer I would not recommend such a method because they are so powerful. They do have the capacity to scare you shitless, much like I experienced the second time I drank Ayahuasca. That session could have easily spiralled out of control into a bad ending had it not been for the ceremonial aides who kept an eye on me while I was having my freak out.

I tried a different strain of the mushroom, this one called "Amazon". Heck I know the Amazon jungle! It's where I first tried psychedelics. Nostalgia is calling out to me, lol! I measured out just under 2 grams, as that is my dose. Mushrooms for me are so strong and I don't need more in order to go off into unchartered territory. The visuals from 2 grams are as strong as Ayahuasca. The split in my psyche is present and I can explore. The intoxication as presented gives me the same kind of feeling as any prior psychedelic journey and the ripping of reality into energetic patterns is pretty much the same.

The first time I tripped with magic mushrooms I kept my eyes open for a lot of the initial phase and it resulted in my surroundings becoming fluid with a great sense of the hypnotic nature of the tryptamine intoxication. As I awaited the onset of the mushroom this time, I actually felt a little bit of fear and anxiety, which I couldn't shake. I kept my eyes closed for most of the journey with the result being a very intense visionary experience. The intoxication took hold as the song "Medicine Chant" by Anilah was playing. The visuals started in a familiar fractal presentation of a performance of the spectrum of light. I felt a little trepidation about how this journey was beginning, not being sure what this visual presentation would evolve into. I steadied the ship, kept my wits about me, and then this epiphany struck: I always fight these introductory visuals instead of just enjoying the show. I finally understood this light show was the Goddess putting on a divine performance. I don't know why I fear the onset; I finally realized this dance of energetic form is her giving me an otherworldly performance. I let go and realized this was the opening act to a grand adventure and then I saw the incredible beauty which was at hand. The symmetry and artistry in combination with the multi-layered brilliance of Anilah's musical composition was breath-taking. I cannot possibly describe what I witnessed so I'm not going to even try. What a show! This is something to look forward to in any subsequent trip now that I finally got it.

My first trip with the mushroom was centred on my inner masculine split and a lifting of the veil between us. I did not intuit the presence of the Goddess and thus categorized my mushroom trip as being a modality without her presence. She decided to have fun with me and school me right off the start of this second voyage. As mentioned, the night opened with a sublime performance of the grace and beauty of the Goddess. There she was in all her glory putting on a celestial show for the ages. Wow! A performance of legendary and cosmic proportions for the full 15 minutes of this stunning musical composition. I buried my face in the palms of my hands due to the emotional outpouring of love and the grandeur of the performance. I was stunned. Grateful. Head in hands emotional. I felt that if this was it for the night, it was complete and a smashing success. As the song concluded, the energetic outpouring which defined this performance tapered off and the visions became more scenic and playful in conjunction with the music of Trevor Hall which had an eastern flavour to it. I started to envision multiple dream worlds that would populate my mind's eye. With an opening of the eyes I could make the created world go away and upon closing my eyes a new world would form. I let go of my thoughts and the experience was all play. The magic mushroom trip sure was fun and blissful. I remembered the line from a Beatles' song, "turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream." I now definitely see the appeal of such a fun trip with psychedelics as it was indeed a gas to continuously create different worlds. My music playlist abruptly switched to two songs by the grunge band Alice in Chains. They are depressing songs and the first one called "Nutshell" has the singer lamenting he is not free and considering suicide. As the intro to the song played, the vibe in my visions became dark, almost like a sudden storm approached where the temperature drops and it gets dark. I felt the pull of the depression the singer was emoting try to pull me into that world with fellow travellers on a ship ahead of me beckoning and trying to seduce me into following them into the pit of despair. I know I love this song because of the heart wrenching pouring out of the guy's soul which translates into such a compelling tune. I resisted the pull and just observed how these feelings create and shape our world. How we actually perceive the world is a direct result of our inner life which is crafted by how we feel. The next song was "Would" and it was a raw live performance. From a bird's eye perspective, I saw a crowd of people cheering on the band. Again, I got a very dark feeling and a large dragon appeared in the middle of the crowd. The song is about drug abuse, specifically heroin, and the dragon is the great destroyer. I intuitively knew this and so I marvelled at this vision instead of the old me who would have been scared out of his wits at the sight of a menacing dragon. I felt empathy with the crowd who at this point were representing the addiction of the band. I saw the dragon grow in size and I intuited a connection with a world that is getting very dark. My playlist transitioned into four psychedelic Beatles songs and I relaxed and reclined in my chair and just enjoyed the show. Soon after, I tired of the visions and listening to music so I decided to turn it off and go lay down. About an hour and a half had passed which was about the same time as my first trip when I turned off the music and decided to lay down.

This strain of mushroom was decidedly more playful than the first. They were equal in their intensity though I'd say the second trip had less of a defined edge to it and I was more in tune with the visions. When I got up to go lay down on the sofa, I noticed the energetic pulse throughout the room, something which is familiar to me from drinking Ayahuasca. To describe it is as such - there is a slight discombobulation of the fabric of being where the illusion is slightly off, not all together, and I see it as this subtle pink, purple, and a green kind of presentation which is making up the world. It looks like it is revealing that this world is a vision as well but one we have convinced ourselves is real so we don't see that it is just another illusion. When I laid down the visionary activity did not want to cease and it took me into yet again another meeting with my brother, my shadow, much like my first experience where the veil between us was lifted and I had to play psychologist for almost three hours. This time I witnessed the utter domination and power which my shadow has over the world and how it manifests. He's the god of the world and has almost everyone worshipping him in some form. Power. We all want a slice of that pie. It was tough to watch. I objectified him as the other to stave off self-hatred as the suffering and depravity he caused was terrible. How is forgiveness possible for such acts? Think of the worst things that humans do to each other and that's what I saw my shadow was responsible for. The enormity of change and forgiveness required to reconcile seemed all too great. The reckoning soon came.

I'm complicit in this debacle because I do nothing about it. Indeed, I use it to my benefit. It's a zero-sum game and for myself to live in comfort someone else has to suffer. It is just easier and convenient to project this malfeasance onto my shadow and bury the knowledge of it. This way I can attribute the suffering to him, the other, and be horrified but done with it. It's not me so I'll try and make it better but I'm not the one responsible. Soon, I saw the error in my thinking knowing that I was objectifying the shadow as the other in order to escape blame for the world's suffering. He is my brother and I'm as much him as he is me. He creates and I introduce calm so there is some sort of balance and stability to the madness until the unencumbered energetic force comes pouring out again. I saw this dragon was me. I see this in my fellow game players. Wow - we are all masters of deception. Surely, I'm not the only one though I realize I'm one of the few who are awake and can clearly see it. My brother hates me because I'm the self-righteous asshole who tries to stand above the fray and take no responsibility. I'm the passive aggressive one who takes his share of the bounty and lives his life of comfort while others suffer and then points at the objectified nameless shadow and says, "Look, it's all his fault. He's the despicable one!"

Play! All we do is squabble. We created this world and instead of having a grand adventure we get under each other's skin and argue, fight, and then destroy. We create suffering as payback to being slighted in the tiniest of ways.

My shadow has always threatened to kill me when the veil drops and I enter his world. He didn't threaten me this time. It's because I know I'm him and even though I started out this experience by objectifying him as the other, as I searched for answers I had to accept he is me. Killing me is killing myself. I'm awake and trying to figure out the answers to why I need to continually fight my brother. Why am I loathe to admit I'm the scoundrel? I think that's the reason. It's easier to blame the other.

In the Old Testament, the Garden of Eden is a metaphor for the human heart. The four rivers flowing into and out of the home we long to return to are representing the four valves of our physical human heart. Upon gaining the eye-opening awareness from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil after the apple incident with the serpent, Eve and Adam are no longer pure of heart and thus thrown out of the Garden. Scripture then becomes a story of the longing to return to the heart. A careful reading of the conclusion of the Book of Revelation will reveal that Christianity considers itself the guide and answer which will lead the adherent back to this initial state of purity. Here are the first two verses from the concluding chapter 22 (New International Version).

1 Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb

2 down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations.

We find only mentioned the tree of life from the Garden of Eden. No longer referenced is the tree of knowledge, which will lead your heart astray.

Now, it is definitely not my intention to shepherd you towards Christianity. I just like to point out connections and common human afflictions and their offered solutions as I see them.

This world is a creation of our own making. The masculine provides the infinite amount of energy and the feminine gives the energy form. Within each gendered provider are contending forces. I am privy to my split in the masculine coming forth of the energy. I see my brother as the raging source of power who has the ability to control all. I provide the balance so that the universe isn't just one big outpouring of non-stop creation that would fill up the room until no one could breath. I'm the AC to his DC. I slow things down allowing for a little calm, peace, and an independent experience so we can marvel at what has come forth and have an adventure. This universe and the earth we inhabit are awesome. We created this masterpiece in order to have adventures and play. Instead, our world is defined by strife and conflict and this mindset has permeated all our interactions with our fellow game players. We are divided and all we do is fight. I hate my brother and in return he wants to punish me. Why? Why do we hate each other? We have lost the spirit of sharing and co-operation. We both want it all for ourselves. Haven't we reached the point yet where we take it all for our self and then realize we have no one left to play with? Is that what we want? Do we want just pure obeisance to our omnipotent power? I want a playmate. I want everyone to live out their dreams. This universe was created so we could do just this and instead we are divided, we create new ways to stay separated, and we just fight. It is so sad. The way out as I see it is the path of the heart. The solution is to take our divided polar extremes and bring them to the centre, the axis mundi, the heart space, where we learn about love for all. Love and respect for all.

We are headed full on towards destruction. In the aftermath, we will sit upon the mountain top of eternity lamenting our failure to find love. Do we repeat the experiment knowing full well the suffering we caused by our inability to love one another? The Great Mother tells me the answer is love. It's the only way out. Don't ever put the other out of your heart no matter how pissed you get at each other. The love of the Goddess is the elixir needed. To change the paradigm of the world means to embrace radical and unconditional love. Practice it until it becomes second nature. It is our way out of this mess. The path back home begins with the first step towards love.

The night sure felt like a lifetime and the dazzling opening show presented by the Great Goddess seemed to be a long time ago. The clock was past the 6 am mark and I was exhausted. The trip with the mushroom leaves me drained of energy and at my age it is a two-day recovery process. For the first time I understood fully why at Ayahuasca retreats a day off is given in-between ceremonies. The night with Ayahuasca is taxing but I find the morning after is quite exhilarating and the afterglow allows you to recover faster from the outpouring of energy and I'm ready to go despite the lack of energy. With the mushroom, I find it is a constant outpouring of non-replenished energy. While I was creating new world after new world while reclined on my chair, my foot was shaking quite intensely with the power being exerted to create new worlds. I noticed the next day the total lack of energy. Usually when I smoke tobacco I can enter into a meditative state and feel the energy rippling through my body. This time there was nothing. It was a full two days before I felt the return of a detectable level of energy.

I have now journeyed twice with magic mushrooms and I have to say I am quite amazed by their power. I see the similarities with Ayahuasca as well as the differences. They are both psychedelic experiences and I can't say whether one is better than the other or make some proclamation that either will lead you to what it is you are looking for. I want to say you don't have to travel large distances to explore consciousness if that is not in the cards for you. That being said, I wouldn't trade my journeys into the jungle and mountains of Peru for anything. They remain an essential part of the story of my life and I'm grateful I had the opportunity to embark on these very special voyages. What I'm saying is if the universe is calling out to you to wake up, you can create your own story based upon your circumstances. Don't think you need to do it in some proscribed way in order to find what it is you are looking for. Ayahuasca is indeed magical however if it is not feasible there are other ways. I can compare it to the multitude of religious avenues available to one who has a calling towards that modality of spiritual exploration. Explore and examine what resonates with your circumstance and then witness the doors opening up for you to keep going on the journey. The omnipotent you wants you to wake up and all you have to do is to take that first step. Once you walk through the doorway, the path will light up, you'll see that yellow brick road, and all you have to do is keep following it.

access to power

You can create an axis mundi, which is an access to power, anywhere on the earth. It’s the genius of the spherical shaped planet we call home. The potential to become power is always present but unless you discover and figure it out, you’ll go to your grave oblivious to its secret. At Chavín de Huántar, the axis mundi was designated at a spot where two rivers meet in a valley plain. The stone idol worshipped at Chavín, we call the lanzon, is an amalgamation of all the forces in the universe into the one.

The artistry is peculiar and unique to not only the era but also the modern human. Form is present though all is encapsulated within the one image. It is an ingenious way of depicting chaos; chaos being non-differentiated unity and this structure represented crystallized power at Chavín. The unleashing of the power was the coming forth of the god as a jaguar. Placed in an underground labyrinth, the god's height allowed them to inhabit a representation of the three shamanic worlds of lower, middle, and upper regions. In addition, the lanzon's placement was such that on the solstices the rising and setting sun would enlighten the large lance-like monolith. It is truly the temple of the jaguar and ceremony was performed where the adherent would transform into the jaguar as the power was unleashed within. Chavín de Huántar was at the time one of the most powerful places upon earth.

The axis mundi is the mythological tree of life. Eternal life is the secret it holds; however, be aware the chalice of immortality is guarded by the dragon. To access power is to slay the dragon. The path will take you inwards to the ultimate conundrum which is that you are the dragon. The Goddess gave me the strength and courage to pick up my sword and continue on in this journey where I would slay the dragon. That’s what she told me but she knew all along the process of discovery would lead to discovery of the identity of the dragon and a subsequent liberation of both her and the adversary I entered into battle with. The access to power is the stuff of what could be termed magical. It’s not instantaneous and takes time, patience, discipline, and understanding. Who would have thought magic involved the disciplinary arts? Isn’t it all instantaneous hocus pocus? You set up your axis mundi, slowly build upon it, get to know all the pieces on the game board, and come to understand the interplay of the opposites and the roles they play in this great drama. You let go of preconceived notions, prejudices, and cultural blocks. The blocks to clear are the cautions to stay away from the occult and the dark forces of magic. From this point you need a catalyst. The catalyst is something that will activate the power within. For me, it is Mapacho Tobacco. The great teacher unlocks the power within my form. Subsequently, at my Mesa I perform ceremony and ritual which potentiates the energy at this most holy power centre. The power envelops and rises within my form. The load on my body is electrifying. I am but a novice so I haven’t fully learned to channel the energy as of yet. Honestly, I’m amazed at how I have freed the power within my Mesa which is based upon what the great maestro don Howard, Otorongo Blanco of the Upper Amazon taught me. It’s been a multi-year project where I did not seek out power but was instead faithful to respect and ritual at my Mesa. 

The gift of conscious awareness comes from the Goddess and her birthing of forms. She then takes away awareness through death and dissolution. The hidden path is the journey of discovery and subsequent combining of your consciousness to your energetic signature. It is the forging of steel through the union of awareness and energy in the fires of this hell tempered by the love of the Goddess. My eternal vibration will become inexorably aware. Eternal life for conscious awareness is what I'm up to. My shadow I discovered is this divine masculine energy. He is God. He is power. He is only a shadow because I denied and buried him deep. Recovering the knowledge of his presence and guiding hand is healing. My super power is consciousness. The divine masculine offers indestructible life. This is the essence of my destiny and my path going forth for the rest of my life. I accessed the fount of power but somehow knew enough what to do with it thanks to the lessons from the feminine divine.

So, I was standing at my Mesa last night lit up with power — both the Mesa and myself. I thought back to the origins of this journey I am on. The path I’m walking was an invitation presented to me by the Great Goddess whom I discovered in Egypt. She invited me to find her. I found her in the Amazon jungle. Once found, she implored me to free her. Take up your sword and slay the dragon! Here I am. I went after him and he beat me into a pulp. I retreated, regrouped, and came back. I didn’t chase his power even though there was lots of it offered to me. I kept true to my word and went after him as I promised the Goddess. Eventually, my noble intention was honoured. The dragon let me into his inner circle. I wasn’t after power. I sought liberation and knowledge. I had the antidote to the chains of both Goddess and God. Through discovering it was I who was the dragon, I freed the Goddess and myself.

As the rising power rippled through my being last night I thought of don Howard; primarily, his example and subtle words. He would sit a group of us down and talk about power. Having access to it and being tempted and seduced by its call; like he knew something about this journey we were about to undertake. He never showed his cards. I think he relied on the medicine to reveal what he hinted at and was preparing us for the choice. As part of the lesson he would talk about ayni. Everything is this world is connected and thus reciprocal. You take and you give back. It’s the scales of reciprocity. When you apply this lesson to power you clearly see why power corrupts. The siren song of taking the power offered will get you. Every time. When you take power as offered you are in debt and then come the interest payments and requirement to offer something back in return. We were instructed to set intentions and thus make grandiose promises but soon we are monetizing our newfound access to power and figuring out how we are going to take advantage of our boon.

To be liberated is to live in obscurity. Don Howard kept a low profile and he was the greatest man I ever met. Seriously, that man sat on a goldmine and had knowledge and know how that dwarfed all others yet he was in service to the greater good. He made a promise to raise consciousness for the good of all and did not waver from that promise. His legacy lives on in the spirit of those whom he touched and got the message. I’ve been fortunate enough to surround myself with some of those people. I looked back last night on the journey and realized I could not have done it without him. My Mesa I stand in front of in service is a direct result of don Howard. He showed me the set up; explained the principles; and sent me home with my interest piqued. I gradually assembled my Mesa and in this last year placed the Lanzon in the centre and thus discovered the secret of its power. My Mesa is lit.

tempering the extremes of omnipotence

The purpose and meaning of incarnation into a world of my own making is to explore the extremes of the high and the low; to wit the duality of self. As the stone idol at Chavín de Huántar in the Andean highlands teaches, bring all back to centre at our own personal axis mundi. The purpose is to find wholeness in the heart space in the middle, called the chaupi in the Quechuan language. This is also the fourth chakra in a seven-fold energetic human existence. The answer is not found in the crown chakra and the pure white light of enlightenment; ah, it's fun to climb that mountain and experience God consciousness but in the end, you see that's not why you're here. You already are God. Instead, the reason why you are here is reconciliation. To bring all back to centre, taking the unity of form of the divine feminine and merging with the independent spirit of the divine masculine. And from this process you rediscover the heart and love. This is why you created this whole game and imbued the quest with the impetus and desire to discover the secret. The puzzle kept you going. The game was frustrating and challenging, but ultimately fun. The hero's journey kept you invested and involved. I love a challenge and I'm going to keep going through multiple lifetimes in order to complete this quest and along the way I'm going to unveil the mystery. What an adventure! Kudos to myself for designing this most interesting game-board.

And so, here I am. I did the journey and completed the quest. I unveiled the mystery. I rescued the princess. What’s left now if I keep sailing on this ship of discovery? My ship is blessed with the moniker "The Fool." I clearly see the destination as I look into this world of form and what is revealed is all pervasive duality. I see the opposites and know the task at hand is to bring the opposites to the centre in order to find love. That's why I did it - to find balance and temper the extremes of omnipotence. The sideshows I created to keep me interested and continuing on the voyage so that eventually I'd see it and discover the reason "why" I did this. I wanted to know God; I wanted to know what makes me tick along with discovering the answer to how do I reconcile the creator and the destroyer within? I now see what it is I wanted to see - the polarity and separation, and grudgingly I accept that she was correct all along. She is Love - the Great Goddess, and she shows me reconciliation of what is leads to the centre and in this centre is found life and love.

Earth is one of these centres where we have life and can practice love. It's on now; this is your classroom buddy. Reconciliation is the game! You did the whole journey, found what you seek is within, and created a world that manifests difficult situations which implore you to find solutions to the endemic problem. The various problem-solving methods at hand are diverse and most lead you away from what it is you seek. The answer to the conundrum is love and you find this answer after exhausting all avenues that take you away from the centre. The streets of separation are roads paved with fame and fortune but ultimately lead you farther down a path to nowhere and eventually we all lose the way home. Wow, we sure have travelled a great distance and now I no longer even realize within there is a castle made of gold which houses the Goddess and her gift of love. We forgot her and buried the knowledge of the feminine divine under the sands of time.

I never cease to be amazed at the writing process and how it lubricates the mind which in turn allows you to make a connection to wisdom and understanding. As I spent the day writing this post and consequently thinking about it, I had yet another epiphany on the nature of being. The root chakra and the crown chakra are connected as in they are polar opposites. One is chaos and form while the other is order and separation. They are the representation of the feminine and masculine energies who need and attract each other. I know the answer is found in the fourth chakra which is the heart. Both paths, regardless of origin, lead to the heart whether you start from the bottom or the top. It is in the middle where biological life is possible. The balance between the two eternal and divine energies create and sustains life. Life is precarious and it’s only on this gift of Pachamama where we can experience biological life which in turn allows us to find love and realize now is the time to express that love.

Furthermore, I intellectually started investigating the polar origins of the cyclical energetic system and realized that some of us are on a journey of ascension while others are in a state of deceleration of the energetic signature. Some of us are entering into life via the crown chakra and heading towards stasis while others are entering at the bottom of the mountain and beginning the long climb to the grandeur of self. Each energetic journey leads to the heart at the mid-point of the journey and it’s where we manifest into conscious form; so, here we are. This is the game we are playing. Acceleration from feminine unity, separate into form, and finish the climb. Deceleration from masculine separation, unify into form, and return to the great mother who smothers. Some of us will head towards the light at bodily death and others will descend into the darkness. But don’t you worry; it’s all cyclical and it is the constant transformation of your energetic signature that bestows upon you eternal life. The ride is the thing. Embrace it.

The cycles within this cycle are of the same nature as within our lives we traverse the energetic centres and remove the blocks in order to experience all facets of life in this body. Some head towards the crown chakra to become the king of their domain, fully enlightened, while others take the path of unity back to the base chakra. Most of us get stuck in the second chakra of carnal pleasures or the third chakra of personal power and greed. Once again, with experience and the subsequent wisdom is discovered in the fourth chakra of the heart is where we become fully realized human beings.

So, what's left is to love. Open the heart, put yourself in others' shoes, and find compassion. Realize that greed and games of power mask fear. Transmute that fear into love. Plant the seed so that others know there is another way; life doesn't have to be this way. Leave this world a better place and light up the Goddess’ heart castle so that other game players can see the beacon shining in the distance when they are ready to head towards her divine gift of love.

experiential

My pulsing energy within is the intertwined feminine Serpent and the masculine Jaguar. This is the conjunction of power where earth meets sky and the sun and moon energies collide. The Hindu chakra system of ascension of the earth based feminine Kundalini serpent tells half of this eternal story. The masculine energy as a bull or feline descends into our sacred vessels from the sky. The meeting place of these two lovers is in the centre, the fourth chakra, which is the heart chakra.

It’s through the use of psychedelic substances that I was able to sense this eternal truth and subsequently make the connection to ancient spiritual paths. Consciousness altering methods allow the human access to obfuscated sense perceptions normally unavailable to us.

The ascension of the serpent gives rise to achievement and spurs on the masculine goal of enlightenment of our physical form. The descending of the masculine energy as spirit is the energy to rouse the sleeping serpent. I experienced this in an Ayahuasca ceremony where I envisioned my crown chakra being permanently opened and the white light continuously entering and lighting up the seven energy centres in a continual process as each chakra lit up with its respective colour. It was during a Vilca experience a year and a half later where I witnessed these eternal and imperishable beings made of love and powered by ever-transforming light. It’s only now that I finally connected these two visions. The beings were composed of the love of the Goddess and the light of the God. This is what is described and experienced in moments of rapture when the Kundalini rises up the Ida channel after the spirit descends the Pingala to rouse and propitiate her. A third plant medicine, Huachuma, first allowed me to physically experience this phenomenon, though at the time I was gobsmacked. The second time I drank Huachuma, the energy within was potentiated and I became lit up with power and disoriented to the novel experience. My whole body was shaking with an intense electrical charge and my heart was fluttering with a tremendous energy load. I closed my eyes and saw an intense ball of white light surrounded by two larger than life serpents. I was experiencing the full effects of the chakra cycle, lit up by the light and the power of the Kundalini serpent. Subsequently with Huachuma, I can experience intense states of an energetic load as I am a conduit for the pulsing of the two eternal energies of the universe. I can also experience this reaction within as a burning hot passionate flame that radiates from my being. I close my eyes and I see smouldering colours of an intensity that is combustible.

The great pre-Columbian South American civilization at Chavín de Huántar, which used the sacrament of Huachuma to build community, deserves a second look in conjunction with the principles ascertained in the chakra system of the Hindus. This post Bronze Age civilization marked a high point and probably the last flicker of a flame of human co-operation before we devolved into a race defined by conflict. Chavín represented the axis mundi and is where the confluence of elemental energies and cultures converged. It is in the stone idol we call the lanzon that the two eternal energies of the feminine serpent and the masculine jaguar come together as one representing the same love and light captured in stone as I detailed above. In addition, the designation of Chavín comes from the transposition of a Quechua word chapin via the root word chaupi which refers to the heart in the middle of this grand reconciliation of all in this great temple in the Peruvian highlands. The connections to the Hindu chakras are tantalizing and helps understand the teachings. The serpent and jaguar, one rising and one falling, meet in the middle at the heart chakra. Our human potential, powered by the rising Kundalini becomes conjoined with the descent into the human of our spiritual potential which then meet in the heart space. We can experience rapture with the rising energy while the spiritual energy comes to awaken our eternal self and lift us up.

I’ve experienced this, seen it at work, and then saw my destiny as an imperishable and eternal being made of the love of the serpent and the ever-transforming light of the jaguar. I finally added it up and can now clearly see it.

Within my own European heritage this same knowledge has been preserved in myth. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs representing the feminine presence within the seven energy centres along with the Prince who awakens Sleeping Beauty from her sleep being the masculine power giving the feminine the power to wake up and rise.

This experience of the energy within is real and palpable. I invite us all to go on the most magnificent journey of discovery that will lead to revealing your destiny. 

numbering

The re-thinking of numbers: I propose a new structure based upon the dichotomy of non-duality and duality. Numbers are avatars of dualism. Even the number 1 implies the presence of the dual. Sages of yesteryear struggled with this question and came up with the concept of non-duality that denied the inherent dualism in any concept that promulgated the one. They said just drop the idea of one and think of non-duality as void and non-divisible.

There is frustration in expressing non-dualism in a dualistic paradigm. It’s quite the puzzle.

Personally, I think the spiritual masters of the pre-Columbian civilization of Chavín de Huantar got it right. This civilization flourished in the 1st century BCE. The stone idol at the location of the axis mundi in the valley plain is such an attempt at depicting the inherent non-divisible component of the universe. Creation is an unbroken thread that if followed reveals we are all of the same source, all the way back to the big bang; never was that connection broken and never did we become separate and the many. We just think we are.

The smiling jaguar at Chavín was given the moniker “el Lanzón" by Spanish archaeologists who re-discovered the stone idol. The name in Spanish means a lance though the shape resembles a highland plough more than it does a spear. What is important about the location of the idol is it is in the centre of what was considered the centre of the Chavín civilization. All who would pass through the region would be directed to come through the axis mundi at Chavín, thus exposing all surrounding cultures to its community and ideals.

If you look at what these Andean shamanic masters created it will confound and confuse you. You will see forms within the artistry but they are not delineated, as our minds prefer. Instead, form is hinted at through contour rivalry, which is an artistic technique used to create more than one possible interpretation of an image. Your perspective determines what form you decide emerges from the art. To go even a step further, the perspective that affects your rendition of the god is both physical and mental. This is magic and beautiful chaos. Transformation depicted within stone. Incredible! The art form of Chavín is a high achievement of humankind, so much so it remains hidden to most until you live the life the sacrament of the culture prescribes to you. What was the sacrament? The sacrament was the plant medicine cactus Huachuma and in the set and setting of the confluence of energetic elements at the temple grounds it opens the heart and allows you to experience the cosmic love of the universe and within your heart the unity of all. The stone idol subsequently reveals its secret to the initiate. You see symmetry within the stone idol and notice the left-hand points downwards to the feminine terrestrial and the right-hand upwards to the masculine celestial thus revealing an association with duality coming forth from the perfect balance achieved at Chavín. You see the stone idol representing all. The god is masculine and feminine. Eventually, you may let go of the self and see yourself in the labyrinth at Chavín. A pilgrimage many years in the making, the sacredness of what was created long lost however it was not lost on this lonely wayfarer.

So, getting back to the number system, I propose an order of 0,2,1 in order to try and represent and reflect the paradigm of non-dualism within a dualistic construct. 0 is the non-divisible void. Have you ever tried to divide by zero? You get an error and your computer code stops. The first step into duality involves the binary as represented by the number two. It’s what makes our universe perceptually come alive. Subject and object. Without two, our senses are useless, therefore 2 comes after 0. From the two comes the 1. Mom and Dad, the two, create one. In duality, one is also three - Mom, Dad, and me, and makes the many because to get one you need two. So, to recap, we could now number our construct thus:

0,2,1/3

One and three being essentially the same.

I write this blog post as a warning to stay away from plant medicines which many enforcers of culture will flat out call drugs. Psychedelic drugs are bad. They will destroy your mind. I am exhibit ‘A’. 

divine lineage

The divine feminine and masculine come together in the centre of the grand Mesa at the axis mundi here in the symbolic expressed by the lanzon from Chavín de Huantar.

Brought together are the left and right hand paths of the feminine and masculine along with the lower and upper worlds of these energies. All is absorbed back into the representative of the Chavín god. Everything is reconciled into the centre. It is also expressed as the serpent and the jaguar. The serpent as the feminine creates the form and the jaguar as the masculine is the life force that roams this form. They are the two eternal energies that make up the sum total of all. The multi-dimensional reflection of the non-differentiated form is from these two. You can’t see one without two and centring yourself allows you to see one, two, and the many. The many collapses into the one just as the two through sexual union becomes an expression of the one.

Standing with this knowledge at the Mesa will eventually lead to understanding. We are conditioned to believe chaos is bad and can be demonstrated in expressions of madness and unpredictability. I think that’s true. Psychologically, we relegate the feminine to chaos and the striving of the masculine energy to order and reason. The great intellect of Jordan Peterson even wrote a book on this paradigm called “12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos” and in turn riled up the feminist class amongst us. Well, he is a master of controversy and is in turn misunderstood as we looked towards our developed prejudices and fail to look into the heart of the matter. I also wondered what were his intentions in writing this book? Getting to know his persona through the internet, I certainly didn’t detect misogyny, instead a refreshing honesty.

Feminine energy is chaos. Masculine energy tends towards order. Just ask Apollo, the Greek god of light and reason. Within the sum of ourselves are the interplay of these two gendered energies, so it is not mutually exclusive to either sex of the species. Knowledge is a great tool but understanding is divine. Taking the sum total of all I know and feeding it into my central processor, the brain, allows me to synergize the whole set up. Late at night, I stand there in front of my Mesa performing ritualistic acts that allow me to re-centre myself. Sometimes the epiphanies come. Epiphanies are the computer spitting out the punch card with the results. I see the sum of all energy at the axis mundi and then scattered throughout my Mesa and refracted through the prism of my mind are expressions of this energy. The one and the many. It is indeed I who brings this Mesa to life! I take unity and objectify that energy thus creating the world. I use my masculine powers to separate and behold reality!

Now back to centre. This form in the centre is non-differentiated. Aha! That is chaos and I intuitively knew it to be so. The non-differentiated energy has no order and no separation. We assign that condition to being a bad thing but it is in fact the reflection of order. What is the correct state or reality of energy? Is it the feminine unity or masculine separation? Many esoteric and Eastern traditions will tell you that because we are the ones that objectify, it is actually the spiritual truth that we are all one. Is that the truth? Is it the truth because from our perspective of dominate masculine energy in the culture we erroneously think the opposite spiritual state is true? If you want to stop the world it is true. However, the interesting part of the equation is that we live in a verb. Consciousness and existence as we know it is a wave vibration. Existence is defined by motion, which creates the illusion of time and separation. So, stop the motion and we have the truth. If we stop the motion then we have nothing. Just potential, which is the other side of coming forth. Is that really true? Why do you think the static trumps motion and motion creates illusory outcomes? Why do you think feminine chaos contains more truth than masculine objectification? Is it unsettling to have your prejudices laid bare? Yes it is because my spurious foundations are revealed once again. My understanding lies on a foundation of shifting sands. What if you can’t have one without the other? The dependency of the two creates the whole. The truth is if you see the two energies not in a sexual union then you see multiplicity. If your universal view is a sexual metaphor then we are indeed all one. Maybe Einstein was on to something with the whole relativity claim? It makes claims of truth and fanciful chasing of said truth very funny, if not frustrating.

Looking back into history, we see many budding civilizations grappled with this origin question and the dominance of each energy pole. At first, it was the feminine asserting her power which allowed creation to flourish however we are now living in the order of the masculine. Looking into my crystal ball reveals the logical outcome is pathological order which becomes tyranny. The system then collapses. Gazing back into the past, in the Mesopotamian basin the triumph of the masculine energy was mythicized as Marduk defeating the water serpent Tiamat, who personified the feminine chaos. In order for civilization to take hold, she had to be defeated. In the opening chapter of Genesis in the Bible, we see hints of this very thing as Yahweh takes the chaos and adds some light into the mix in order to separate things. Here are the passages from the King James Version.

1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

In the beginning nothing was differentiated until the masculine energy came along and started dividing things up. The Old Testament is also a great primer on the actions of masculine energy not tempered by the presence of balancing feminine energy. Fire and brimstone indeed and Jewish mythicists got that one spot on! In Greek mythology, Apollo comes along and kills Python, the enemy dragoness. This act occurred at Delphi which was considered the centre of the world. With the triumph over the feminine serpent, the Greek god of reason enabled a new consciousness in humans that celebrated the rise of individual differences. Apollo was victorious however reason still called upon the oracle at Delphi in the form of the prophetess called the Pythia. She had the gift of vision - something the mind clouded by logic and reason had to discard in order to rule. In addition, in ancient Egypt we have the god Re and his association with the cycles of time created by the sun, continuing along daily in a sun boat that is forever threatened by the chaos serpent Apophis. This battle is enacted daily and motion is eternally perpetuated by victory over chaos with the help of the strong masculine energy personified in the god Set.

Back to my Mesa. Look at how I intuitively set it up, though I didn’t know what I was doing.

The axis mundi is in the centre and the table is full of differentiated expressions of this energetic centre. However, overlooking this whole construct is this image of a jaguar within the form created by a serpent. Somehow, I knew the archetypal two lay at the head of what just is and I left it in place to discover at a later date in my journey to nowhere. The two become one and the one becomes the many. This is the divine lineage from which we all come. 

being healthily crazy

When you reconcile all back to centre by taking the feminine and masculine, lower self, self, upper self, water, earth, air, and the four directions you reconstitute the axis mundi. It is what you began with and have always had. Ultimately, life is not a quest to discover or attain anything; the journey is a way for you to eventually remember who you once were and reconcile all back to centre. It’s the big game and it’s one hell of an adventure. When you play, awaken, and realize you are everything then you become the I am - the self. You realize there is nothing that is not you. Freedom and liberation in this finite lifetime. From this you can take the next step which is if you are everything then to call it a self is a misnomer. There is no self; it just is.

How about a mythological lesson or two? In classical texts, the terms nusa, nyssa, and nyssi refer to a mountain that is the support stand of heaven, which is the axis mundi. With this information, it's not hard to figure out the Greco-mythical figure of Dionysos is the embodiment of the axis mundi. The ‘dio' part of the name is the connection to divinity. Dionysos is the god of the reconciliation of all. This is the eternal flame, the zoë, and the Great Spirit. The history of Dionysos extends beyond Classical Greek civilization into the Mycenaean period where a reference to the name was discovered in Crete during the Bronze Age Minoan civilization. This is a civilization that extends back in time to 3000 BCE. Why do ancient civilizations has a preponderance of gods and goddesses? Were they superstitious and intellectually inferior, devoid of the reason and logic that our civilization idolizes? My guess is they were more in balance with the dualistic powers of serpent and jaguar that animates the spirit within, instead of valuing and exalting one over the other and consequently losing the knowledge of both. Looking back into history, the evidence reveals the evolution came gradually: goddess and god became just god and eventually that was done away with and replaced by the man. Heralding this event into our civilization was reported by Plutarch who wrote, "The great god Pan is dead!" The news of Pan’s death was announced from the skies to a sailor named Thamus. Paganism, as nature worship, was struck down. The nineteenth century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche exclaimed, “God is dead,” and then proceeded to write a book, ‘The Birth of Tragedy” in which he describes the Apollonian and the Dionysian divide within man and somehow he intellectually accomplishes the act of divorcing them from the gods he had buried. Welcome to man as the godman. Apollo gets top billing now as the bright light of reason and the epitome of man's destiny while the wild man is sent away. Nature remains under attack. Logic, reason, and science is now the god of our culture, personified by the intellect; the feminine chaos still exists in the waters of creation but is relegated to an afterthought. Artificial Intelligence and sentient robots of pure logic and reason will be the crowning achievement of history! Fuck feelings and love; what impediments! The Babylonian Marduk must take to the waters of chaos to kill Tiamat in order for civilization to progress. She has been wounded and relegated to the deep and here we are on the cusp of fulfilling that Mesopotamian myth. The ancient mind hadn’t devolved into this single-mindedness, thus they could sense all powers within the environment. It’s available to us if we can throw off the shackles of culture, get still, and feel.

The central idol of the Chavin culture of pre-Columbian South America, we now call the Lanzon, is also an axis mundi representing the reconciliation of all the forces of nature into one being.

The central idol in the temple of the Jaguar at Chavin

It is reversing the process of the power expanding outwards back into its source. It’s like picturing a point of consciousness that contains all and then seeing this potentiality projected out into the universe at large and subsequently finally realizing it is all you. You are seeing yourself at play. We have for the most part lost this meaning and to suggest it to most is to elicit the response of I don’t know what you are talking about, a dispassionate shrug, or a leave that up to the experts response.

When I drink Huachuma, I feel the coming of the god. It’s the idea of the complete self, once we shed the notion of the separate parts of yourself. I connect with all. I experience bringing it all back to centre, the axis mundi, and sit with the self and bask in the knowledge that it all starts with the great self and emanates all out from there. It’s a touchstone moment on the spiritual journey.

I’ve thought about physics and matter enough to realize that we are limited by our instruments and their ability to peer into subatomic particles. I believe that the further we are able to peer into the underpinnings of the all, the more it will just subdivide and confound us. I have embraced the idea that all is consciousness as in mental energy that vibrates and from these levels of vibration we get what we call rays and what we call matter. To use string theory as an analogy, where at its basic form there are an infinite number of strings which are vibrating and that’s what makes up the universe, well picture that but minus the strings. In other words, stringless theory.

The same goes for the self. It’s comforting to think we are an autonomous self and in a way we are, as long as we hold together the form however I have to believe at the root of all this is the same situation encountered in physics where eventually we will learn there is no self. We are just amalgamations of energy that have taken on a certain vibrational form and who knows how long that will last? Do we eventually disintegrate and return to the ocean of energy and continually transform into a new energetic being? Do you believe in magic?

Enjoy the ride. 

wholeness of self

On the path towards spiritual unification where we go on a journey of discovery, our first inclination is to seek the higher self. It is where we are led to believe we will find transcendence from the human condition. We will leave everything which makes us human and fallible behind by seeking enlightenment and a transfiguration into a higher self where we become a spiritual being who is all wise and knowing. We figured it all out and we are at the top of the mountain and that’s where we first tend to explore. When we do that everything else comes along for the ride and it’s very frustrating; so, even though you think you have become this "oh wise one", it’s dishonest and disingenuous to pretend you have left the other parts of you behind. The demons all came up the mountain with you. You can live in ignorance and pretend the desires which make you human are no longer a part of your identity. Within that clue is seen you are still playing the identity game and you’ve basically enlightened your ego. The avatar or character you created now is blessed with a crown and this is with who you subsequently identify. Through this common process you can eventually see that you are never going to transcend the self. The self is always there; it just goes up a story in the house of cards and assumes another up-levelled identity. If you can clearly see the process that has unfolded then unfortunately it puts you back at the drawing board; so, you may be tempted to turn a blind eye towards this realization. You may reach the conclusion that this game was not it and that form of enlightenment was a delusion; so, then you start probing into the shadow or the dark side that you have heard about. For most when you are on this higher spiritual path, you externalize the dark part of yourself and believe it is left behind when you go on the spiritual journey. In truth, the dark side is actually internalized and it’s part of who you are. If you accept this difficult realization, you can turn the tables on the seeking which involved climbing the spiritual mountain.

What I mean by this, is you can take the staircase which leads down into the deepest and darkest regions of self. Here is located all the uncomfortable stuff we leave buried. Do you remember as a kid going down into the basement of your house to temporarily retrieve something and then having all these irrational fears come rushing forth? You couldn't get back up the stairs fast enough! What a peculiar psychological experience which we are all affected by. We are conditioned by our lower self from a young age to not go exploring into the dark and when we do stumble upon that region, our first inclination is to get out as fast as we can because of the irrational fear we are experiencing. In retrospect, what an incredible insight into our psychological makeup; of course we don't realize it at the time and even when I took substances, which allowed me to explore my depths, I didn't make the connection at first. I just followed the conditioned fear and got the hell out of that place and developed strategies to avoid going back. It took brief and repetitive forays into the vast darkness of self before I finally realized that's the destination the plants were pointing me towards. They had previously levelled up my courage and I am an inveterate explorer; so, though it took many years and many ceremonies, as long as I kept at it the subconscious thought must have been "well, eventually he'll get it and set off to explore the deep, dark, and taboo region of self."

It is the most difficult and frightening part of the journey to explore this part of you because the darkness wants to remain obfuscated and doesn’t want to be discovered. The set-up of the game is exquisite. In order to reclaim autonomy over the self, the exploration of what you deny is the biggest obstacle you have to overcome. When you stop pretending that it is not part of you then you can explore all the things which make you tick. The process takes work because when you go to explore those regions the whole journey gets difficult. You face fear, paranoia, and the difficulty of continuing on the path because it puts up as many roadblocks as possible so that you do not peer into this aspect of self. The exploration of the dark self takes the most courage. If you do choose this path and you can get past all the blocks that are put in your way, eventually, you get to look into the hidden self and understand the darkness which is within all of us. Being honest with the denied part of you allows the process of integration of self and a understanding that within us all is this darkness. Yes, there're some awful parts of it but you’ll also discover that’s where love comes from and it is where passion and desire comes from. All this animates our existence and it makes this game worth playing. The whole life experience is powered by these desires that lay within you; some are dark and are not socially acceptable or culturally sanctioned; but when you bury it you also bury what makes you human and it makes our society this detached, non-loving, robotic, and self-centred existence that we all live out, never getting to the point where you see unity within us all. Love becomes a casualty of failure to integrate the human.

We are always trying to transcend the self, which we project out into this world as ego. When you embark upon a spiritual path, we all want to transcend the ego by finding a method that allows you to face ego death so you can lose the sense of self. Through the process you will find your higher self and like I mentioned, you will also find your lower self. You can ignore the darkness or chalk it up as a bad trip and then continue on in your journey; however, if you do discover the way to unity is to harmonize the upper self and lower self and bring all into the centre, known in some traditions as the axis mundi, then you have found the alchemical secret. At some point, you will come to a realization of the need to reconcile all towards the centre, as you are not going to transcend either side, which is frankly the advanced teachings our civilization has lost. In some methods and traditions, if you get past the glorification of yourself into a higher self, you will reach this point. You will discover the need to harmonize all aspects of self and that’s a huge step because you find fulfillment in being honest and recognizing all parts of who you call self. Everything comes from the centre and the self as this is the place where everything is unified. When we started dividing it up or separating things from the centre that’s when you get the opposites like light and dark, which leads to objectifying everything and makes our world come alive. Eventually, when that idea sinks in you realize that the higher self and lower self are aspects of a complete self. The two polarities of self originally come from the centre; so, in our spiritual journey we have taken the two sides and brought them back to centre but that’s what we always were; in essence a wholeness. We are reconstituting self as opposed to creating or coming to an end of a quest to do a spiritual transformation. We are returning to who we really are and once you understand that is essentially who you are, and you always had those parts, then you can realize you will never transcend them or get on one team and leave the other team behind. That’s the fulfillment of the quest in which the answer has been you all along as you have brought yourself back to centre and found wholeness. Once accomplished, you can take that self and contrast it with the no self. By bringing the higher and lower self back to self, you’ve unified the self and then you can take it one step further where you see you have a self because you have a no self. From the no self you find the elusive unity, for which you always have been searching, and you intellectually understand that in order for there to be a self there has to be its opposite which is no self. That’s the eternal game where you vacillate between becoming a self, recognizing a self, and then returning to the no self. The play of the vibration is the eternal song.

mapacho the great teacher

Smoking Mapacho, as I have written about before, is a meditation cheat in that it acts as a laxative for the mind and allows you to enter a state of no mind, which makes it easier to connect to universal consciousness as opposed to our individual self-centred and limiting consciousness. The nicotine within tobacco is also a central nervous system stimulator which over time is developed a tolerance. When I first started smoking, it would give me a rush after smoking just one puro, so much so I’d have to sit down, close my eyes, and hang on for the ride, as it was pretty intense. Eventually because of tolerance, I’d have to smoke quite a bit to get to this state and in truth it is pretty hard to smoke a lot of Mapacho over a short period of time. I eventually found a snuff that would achieve this result with a few quick snorts up the nose. It burns, causes an evacuation of the sinus cavities, and sneezing, though worth it when done out in nature. It’s hard to do this in polite company though! This past weekend I learned something about myself and Mapacho. Don Howard would always tell us to "lean into it" and finally I decided to lean into smoking Mapacho. After smoking a couple I just pushed past my block of not wanting to smoke more and continued puffing on a few more. I felt some of the familiar energy I feel with Huachuma return in the form of CNS agitation and I closed my eyes. I saw red, it was peaceful and eventually the red changed to green. Then on to purple, mimicking the rising power of the kundalini as it pierces through the chakras. I felt the vibrations and I opened my eyes and everything was sharp, the birds were chirping, and the splashes of green on this spring day were popping.

There was a lesson being taught to remember to embrace all these varied states of consciousness: the red representing the passion and desire, the green the inclusiveness of the heart, and the purple the higher spiritual state all we seekers try to achieve. It’s a big reason why I consider Alan Watts the greatest spiritual teacher of all. You see Alan was well versed, educated, and understood all the spiritual traditions, yet he didn’t promulgate one specific teaching, nor did he follow or join any of them. He resisted the siren call to become whatever and remained true to the wisdom that the answer is found within and once you discover that truth you don’t need a crutch. Not only that but he didn’t fall for the spiritual trip and think he could become a holy man. Instead, Alan embraced all of it and revelled in his humanity. He drank heavily, tripped on LSD, smoked like a chimney, ate the finest food, divorced and remarried, and had a scandalous affair all the while a practicing minister. In spite of all that or most likely because of it, he recognized that each and everyone one of us was it and there was nothing you really need to do, whether that be angling for a reward in the afterlife or trying to shed karma for past misdeeds.

Mapacho reminded me to keep looking within and all the answers will be waiting. Continuously, the progression of consciousness within has now been red, green, and purple mimicking a set up of my mesa that symbolizes the lower, middle, and upper world crossed with the power of the feminine and the masculine. All is eventually reconciled in the centre; the axis mundi where we stand face to face with the truth. Everything that sums as self presents itself as unquestionably connected. As you look into the mirror whom do you see? Do you see just a lonely and powerless being or do you see it all?

homework

Alan Watts, once again on the trip home from a journey with plant medicines, schools me about life and informs me that all opposites come from the centre and I’m it. My higher and lower self are just aspects of the self, the self is the reconciliation of all, and it’s pretty much everything. When you reconcile all by taking feminine and masculine, lower self, self, upper self, and bring it back to centre which is the axis mundi, you reconstitute what you always had and what you began with. It is not a quest to discover or attain anything; instead, it’s a way in which you remember who you once were and then bring everything back to centre. So, when you do that and you realize you are everything then you become the I am - the eternal self. You realize that there is nothing that is not you. Furthermore, you can take the next step which is if you are everything then to call it a self is a misnomer. There is no self, there just is.

I also learned about the attractive qualities of energy fields. All my life, I was under the cultural illusion of beauty being an external shiny object which drew your attention. I learned it goes way deeper than that ideal as outward appearances are just superficial. Well, I always knew that inner truth but I am perpetually fooled along with everyone in this matter. This is fundamental to advertising and in selling celebrity. There is a connectivity which is beyond the external and mundane that is so powerful once discovered. Physical beauty becomes trivial and you feel deep down in your soul a different connection. That was the lesson on energy fields which my intuition prepared me for prior to heading down to Peru on this trip. I knew my education, which the plant teacher Huachuma started in late 2017, regarding frequency and vibration would be accelerated. I was originally tasked to do some homework on vibration and I was lax in doing the work, figuring it would just naturally come to me. It was always in the back of my mind and so finally I think the teacher of the course was like, "Okay dumb-ass, you are going to get the advanced teachings." It all boiled down on this trip to the lesson of the butterfly and I saw how butterflies in pairs harmonize with each other and I projected that out into how this frequency and vibration trip all works. I started seeing it within myself and how if I could harmonize my energy with others then it brings it to a whole new level. Each change in consciousness is a change in vibration, which unleashes more energy within. Each store of energy then allows you to pierce the next veil.

Sometimes, I think the all is just one big bucket of common energy, we have come forth from this, and when we leave this body we will return to the all. My experiences this time with Huachuma taught me everyone has a distinct field of energy, which we radiate. There are these pulses of energy fields which makes up the essence of who I am and who everyone is. It was undeniable that I have this strong energy field and I recognize it in others. The harmony between two energy fields when they meet and connect is so undeniably powerful and real. The real world application is all part of my education in vibration which continues to unfold.

fairy tales and magic

After a couple weeks in the jungle it was time to head up into the heavens in the Andes mountains located in the vicinity of north central Peru.

I was eager to continue my lessons with Huachuma as I had fallen in love with the medicine and wasn’t ready to let go. It’s curious how everything works out. Parker is fond of saying that when you let go of old paradigms things start happening for you instead of to you and this is exhibit A. When I started thinking about making this trip to Peru after don Howard had passed away, I wanted to make a pilgrimage to Chavín de Huántar as he had talked so much about it and based his shamanic practice and lineage upon their culture. I mentioned it to Parker and asked if he had time to make the journey out with me to which he eagerly accepted and actually had a contact out that way that don Howard highly recommended. Well things got a rolling from there and before I knew it we had secured not only a seasoned guide but a shamanic practitioner of the highest order! We eventually made plans to spend eight days in the mountains with four more ceremonies of Huachuma at hallowed and sacred sites. In the run up to the trip a friend of Parker’s confirmed he would join us and then while at SpiritQuest we added one more traveller to make it a foursome. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of travelling companions and once again it all just came together in my favour; like it was happening for me. Such good fortune and it’s not lost on me how much of a blessing the whole experience is and the pull to give back to that bank of ayni is strong.

Day 16, Friday February 28th

Our group made it to the town of Chavín early in the morning after a twelve hour overnight bus ride from Lima.

I slept sporadically however the excitement and anticipation of a plant medicine ceremony on the grounds of the fabled Chavín de Huántar at the temple of the jaguar was enough of an adrenaline kick to get me through the day. We met up with the maestro don Martín at 9:30am and he took us to his wonderful store in town which was full of his hand carved stone replicas of Chavín treasures. Then we headed off to the archaeological site of Chavín de Huántar.

The shaman led us down to the river bank where he set up his Mesa amongst the roar of the Mosna river.

The maestro had an impeccable ceremony, punctuated by an offering of coca leaves to Pachamama and then burying the leaves into her womb in the earth. The four of us in the group plus don Martín took turns drinking the filled to the brim cup of Huachuma.

The maestro's preparation of the brew is less reduced and refined than what I was used to via SpiritQuest. It was bright green in colour, there were some chunks of cactus within the cup, and the consistency is more in line with the kind of pulpy and slimy nature of the cactus you would expect. The taste was rather indifferent and probably the easiest of any plant medicines I have drank, though the cup that was filled to the brim was daunting by just looking at the task ahead. After drinking, we separated and went off to a spot along the roaring river.

I dipped my toes into the river, which was very cold, and then admired the scenery while contemplating the ancient connections to a great civilization and the sacredness that this place exuded. Huachumita came on gradually over the next hour and then I felt everything get very relaxed and dreamy while the sounds of nature became clearer. My ask for this round of medicine work was three fold: first I wanted to continue to explore the dream world and the nature of energy that powers creation. Second of all I wanted to continue the Huachuma teachings of heaven and hell as a continual reminder to stay in the heart space. Plus I wanted to continue to explore my passions and desires that seem to rise up whenever I explore my inner true self or ignore my dark side. The effects came on stronger when I closed my eyes so I went with that modality and entered into a dreamlike malaise. Huachumita started teaching me about the carnival and how our energy consciousness enters into lower forms of energy, such as the meat body, and we experience creation as such. We subconsciously glorify these concepts with our language such as the word carné in Spanish for meat and world cultural celebrations of Carnival such as in the Caribbean and Mardi Gras in New Orleans where unabashed hedonism and revelry are the order of the day. We as energetic beings enter into the created world and are in theory free to make of this opportunity what we will. I then explored the ability I have to take something I think about in this dreamlike state and then let the visionary take hold and expand upon this energy my consciousness has brought forth. It re-emphasized the idea we create our own reality both through how we choose to view our predicament and then by also enabling thoughts and events we wish to manifest. This also was in alignment to the teachings of heaven and hell where if I engage the mind and think negative thoughts, the medicine will take these mind creations and play them out to the extreme. The lesson is to be careful of what you do cultivate within the mind if you must be in that space. I then got up and walked around and felt a calming peacefulness within before we re-gathered around don Martín’s portable Mesa about two hours after we first drank. We were all offered more and all downed a second cup. This time the intensity hit quicker and amped everything up another notch. I walked around in the grass while the hot sun beat down upon my exposed skin as the familiar energy started quickly pulsing through me, signalling the approach of the god. The energy was very serpentine and I swayed to its rhythms that were enveloping me. I took notice of the agave plant and went over to feel the serrated edges of its leaves while admiring its unique appearance. It dawned on me that the serpentine nature of its leaves is related to the image I see when I feel the passion and lust of the medicine coursing through me. In the Amazon it always appeared both reptilian as well as plant like and I realized the agave plant here in the Andes mountains I had been foreshadowing. I then started seeing this plant everywhere as once again I explored the rising desires that are sexual in nature and are part of my true nature. This part of the medicine stayed with me the rest of the day and came on in intense waves of lustful energy. I started to fully realize the reason behind why this energy would sometimes amp up. It goes back to an exploration of divine feminine and masculine energy back in late 2017 and how the coming together of the two gives rise to the sum in the form of the coming forth of the god. This energy was the culmination of everything I’d learned and the magic was real. I sat with this for a while while also realizing the strength of the sun at this high altitude was both energizing me as well as cooking my skin during this day full of the sun’s loving rays. Don Martín then took us on a walk through the temple grounds where he had privileged access to all the spots normally unavailable to tourists. He guided us to special energy centres within the space while I continued to work with my pulsing energy.

Eventually the lesson of heaven and hell became present once again and I started wondering about human sacrifice at Chavín and I concocted a far fetched story in my mind putting myself in the role of a modern day sacrifice. I eventually moved past this mental hell but it was a good reminder to keep a leash on the wanderings of the mind. We visited the underground crypts and labyrinth where the stone idol called the Lanzon is situated.

The idea of this god is it depicts our divine nature in that the figure is an anthropomorphic amalgamation of the three shamanic worlds of lower, middle, and upper worlds represented by the serpent, jaguar, and eagle. Within the temple the god’s height encompasses over 16 feet and touches the subterranean, the earth, and protrudes out from the temple in order to touch the sky and reveal its function as an axis mundi. The left hand is lowered with the back of the hand visible while the right arm is raised and open palm is visible; all this representing a coming together and mediation of opposing forces. When you alter your consciousness and the god comes to you, then is seen these truths and the knowledge and identity of the central idol of Chavín is revealed. The uninitiated and casual observer is left perplexed at this strange figure. It is always interesting to acknowledge the deep psychological knowledge of ancient civilizations that we tend to dismiss as primitive when in fact they were representing our lower self, self, and higher self within the temple grounds and idol here at Chavín. Not only that but they combined it with the need to reconcile the feminine and masculine energies and all this they represented in the Andean cross called the chakana. I wonder why our intellectual disciplines of anthropology, archaeology, psychology, and comparative religion don’t synergize towards a greater understanding of the human condition but instead remain separate disciplines disconnected from these truths? The layout of the temple is practically screaming out these answers but instead it's treated as a curiosity of long ago while now hosting groups of ignorant selfie-stick tourists. You could feel the deep reverence don Martín has for the place and also within his soul you can see the sadness over what this place has become. We will never reclaim what was lost here. It will take a catastrophic event that would send our civilization back to the Stone Age where we start over. Access to the Lanzon was blocked by a glass door which in my reverence I banged into, not realizing it was there. I felt the power of the central idol and felt its snarling presence. As I stood there mesmerized I remembered to enter into the heart space and the snarl turned into a smile. Later don Martín got us full access and we all gathered around the Lanzon and felt its healing power envelop us, much like the Mesa at SpiritQuest. Don Martín managed to get us into other privileged places such as a crypt that was about four storeys underground where I experienced the deepest and quietest meditation of my life.

The intense energy continued to fluctuate through my body in waves and I gave up on having anymore thoughts and just examined the impact on my body. We went for dinner and feasted on seafood before calling it a night. Another lifetime in a day.

Day 18, Sunday March 1st

We drove almost two hours up into the mountains to Huascarán National Park and made our way to Laguna de Purhuay at an elevation of about 12,000 feet.

Our shaman knew the area like the back of his hand and led us on a path that culminated in entering through three small passageways into a circular enclosure that housed a pit filled with rocks.

The three circular enclosures represented the upper, middle, and lower worlds. The pit at one time was filled with water and the ceremony was to represent water, the Yacumama mesada. He set up his portable Mesa and then we splashed perfume upon ourselves before making an offering to Pachamama with coca leaves which we then buried under the rocks in the pit. We took turns drinking a full cup of Huachuma and I was the last to drink. The maestro immediately offered us more and he gave me three quarters of a cup as the second person to drink this time. I drank it all down but then came pretty close to vomiting it back up. I miraculously held it back and then just sat there trying to regain my composure. We were then sent off to explore for the next four and a half hours. I climbed up an incline on the path and sat down on a rock however soon afterwards I started to feel sick so I got up and paced around until eventually I puked up the whole brew. Though my stomach felt much better I was disappointed I’d be pretty much out of the medicine all day. I lay down on the rocks and had a pleasant time with my eyes closed just taking in the sounds. With my eyes open I could see the energy around me but that was as far as I got with the effects of the medicine. I got up and went for a long hike on the different paths which reminded me of going on hikes with my dog in the woods where I bring my Mapacho and make a connection with my higher self.

It’s almost like that was the lesson in that I knew from the last ceremony that I didn’t need to be in the medicine anymore to have teachings because if I go to a quiet place or do walking meditation I make the connection and do have profound revelations and insights. I have known this for a while and so the day was another way to practice this while I was away from the direct effects of the medicine. I was trailed on the hike by a pack of dogs that were loud so I still had my usual canine companions following me. 

I started going through my dark side traits and since I had reconciled with them in the final Ayahuasca ceremony, I was just once again going through them and bringing them into the light as it is a good exercise to not bury them any longer. I sat down under a shelter when it started to pour and just started laughing at myself again. It had taken me 52 years to finally reconcile with who I am and just accept it. I thought of a deck of cards and how there are 52 cards in the pack and felt this had a connection to where I am in my life and how I can spend the rest of my lifetime as a wild card just like the joker. I then thought of the comedian Bill Hicks and this disturbing routine he would do where he would become the lustful ‘goat boy.’ He had clearly reconciled with his dark side and wasn’t afraid to bring it out into the open in a comedic and baring his inner most thoughts kind of way. I felt respect and gratitude for him just because he said fuck it, this is who I am. This was all I needed from the day to feel content in this gorgeous location. We ate fruit and smoked Mapacho before heading back, stopping along the way for some trout soup.

Once again a talk with Parker helped me clarify what I have learned on this latest probing of my consciousness. I was telling him of my dark side and my discoveries of it being my true self while he reminded me that my higher self, my light side I bring out into the world, is just as big a part of me as my dark side. It allowed me to clearly see the harmony of self and how unique we are to embody these two halves that combine to make the self. I thought about the flimsiness of the character we play as ego and how that can be shattered in a blink of an eye, especially if the dark side leads us down a path of recklessness that becomes an albatross to maintaining a respectable identity. Funny thing this life is, where we need to put the brakes sometimes on our passions and desires. I thought of my first Ayahuasca ceremony this trip where I was racing past police cars, yellow lights, and then red lights in a seemingly out of control manner. It all started to make a great deal of sense.

Day 19, Monday March 2nd

Butterfly Lessons

Ever since discovering my hidden feminine half I've had a special affinity with the butterfly. The first time I remember it as an omen was my initial trip to SpiritQuest where after a difficult ceremony a butterfly appeared and then the following ceremony was an appearance of the Goddess in her tower which was a ceremony for the ages. When I went to SpiritQuest in March of 2019 the symbolism and appearance of the butterfly was off the charts representing the female sex organs. Once again during this round of my most recent Ayahuasca ceremonies, the butterfly appeared as I chased after the Goddess. During the second Huachuma mesada ceremony at SpiritQuest this year a flock of butterflies appeared as I found the key to heaven. Finally revealed at Chavín I got the lesson of proximity of energetic fields through the synchronization of two butterflies in flight.

There is a connection of the butterfly to the intense sexual energy I perceive with Huachuma. I have drank Huachuma enough now to be able to sit with this energy and figure out what potentiates it. For sure when you drink Huachuma you feel this energy but for me on some of my journeys this energy becomes next level and so intense. I have labelled it serpent power and the kundalini rising up within. Lately it has been taking over my body with this intense fluttering as well as when I close my eyes this intense sexual passion and energy appears as these hot and smouldering colours. Words don’t do this justice.

During the Huachuma ceremony at Chavín I was feeling this energy when I spotted two yellow butterflies flying around coming closer to each other and almost touching and then flying off. They would continually repeat this behaviour in my presence. It started to dawn on me that their proximity to one another was in essence a union of the two, a harmonic convergence, forming a connection that was probably similar to the feelings I get with plant medicines. I remembered my studies of ancient Egypt where the male gods depicted as frogs in the Ogdoad all needed the power of the Goddess as the serpent to be effective. It points to a metaphor of the polarity of a battery and the two poles of feminine and masculine to release the charge. Each power on its own is dormant until they come together.

So I had my answer and looked back on my Huachuma ceremonies where I have felt this power. In all these ceremonies is the setting and presence of strong feminine energy. The proximity of the goddess energy, like the example of the butterflies, is what charges the energy within me and sends me to the heights of energetic bliss.

Day 20, Tuesday March 3rd

We left Chavín early at 6am and made our way towards Huaraz, stopping after a three hour ride at a spot in the Cordillera Negra mountain range called Hatun Mache which is a Bosque de Rochas that translates as forest of rocks.

We were led to a natural cave by don Martín where he set up his Mesa and then blew into his conch shell which echoed off the natural amphitheater into the breathtaking views of the mountains.

I told the maestro I only wanted to drink one cup and then wait for a bit before drinking a second cup in order to limit the chances of vomiting it back up again. The shaman’s brew doesn’t taste awful, it is a little bit mucous like, and with an empty stomach the first cup set pretty well. I went for a walk and explored the rock forest before finding a place to settle. The scenery of the forest was fantastic and I lamented the fact I left my camera back at the cave. The first hour and a half with the medicine was peaceful and dreamy though I wasn’t feeling energetic. I returned to don Martín’s Mesa, drank another cup, and then grabbed my camera to photograph the rocks as we were given twenty minutes before we would move on. Little did I know don Martín was going to lead us on an epic adventure through the rock forest. The rocks were beyond belief and their grandeur was heightened by the effects of Huachumita taking hold.

We hiked quite a distance through this strange and magical place that was seemingly endless. We were so high up, close to 14,000 feet, that we could see the clouds roll in around us.

The maestro had us stop at this surreal place with towering cliffs and menacing rocks for two hours as the medicine’s effects ratcheted up.

I laid down on the rocks and just witnessed the energy grow with intensity until I started to hear a choir singing in the heavens around us and then a clap of thunder interrupted the performance. I thought of angels and dragons as the clouds finished rolling in which completely encased us in a fog. It was like a scene in some kind of enchanted fairy tale and I became the hero of the story, full of courage, who ventures into the heavens to find and slay the dragon. The dragon is full of pride and wants to be known as the strongest and smartest of all. I knew I could never defeat him by challenging him to a fight but I knew I could outsmart him which really pisses him off. He could take me out with one blast of his breath but he has honour and will engage in this battle of wits. I have known since I started drinking plant medicines that the quest I am on would come down to this: I’d seek out the dragon and then take him down. Here I was in the heavens realizing this was all really true. I couldn’t believe it because it is the stuff of fantasy even though my plant medicine journeys would continually reveal this quest to me. So here I was in the heart space and now fully believing in this fairy tale and it was happening, basically the culmination of this seven year journey. In an interesting and unexpected twist, Huachumita took metaphor and presented it as reality. The next ceremony at Heaven's Gate has become very intriguing to say the least. I sat on a rock, full of courage, and contemplated the completion of my hero’s journey as it was all coming together at this very moment. I felt the magic in the world and smiled at this dreamworld we live in. This all coincides with this book I have been researching and writing for the last several years which is reaching its conclusion as well and it is all about defeating the dragon. This life has become reality shrouded in fantasy.

The clouds had completely enveloped us by this time as we began the trek back to the entrance.

Without don Martín’s guidance I would have been lost forever in Medusa’s stone forest. In fact I’m not sure this place exists. I think it re-appears every morning at daybreak before disappearing once again in late afternoon. The drive back to Huaraz was full of the energy ebbing and flowing. My music was heavenly and seemed to be playing at a slower speed. The four of us went for dinner, we were all still so high and feeling the love, while the medicine stayed strong. We talked until 11pm and then feeling a reprieve in the energy, settled in for a good night’s sleep as the last page in the fairy tale turned over.

This was undoubtably the most strange and incredible journey I have had with Huachuma. The sum of my medicine journeys have prepared me well to face any adversity with an open heart and courage and to stay clear of engaging the mind. Just let it flow. I learned the lessons well and was the ultimate hero today in facing something so much more powerful than me and chiding the dragon by telling him I will outsmart him in the end. During past journeys with Huachuma I would have been reduced to a heightened sense of fear at what was all transpiring before me; now I know enough to stay in the heart centre and face whatever comes at me. The battle is won with courage and it is something don Howard would reference when he’d ask “Where do you think courage comes from?"

You can’t make this stuff up.

Day 22, Thursday March 5th

I have completed sixteen Huachuma ceremonies over the course of the last five years with the final one of this latest round of work a bit later this morning. I think I can speak with some sort of clarity on the effects of the medicine.

Number one is that it is not a hallucinogen. Visions are sporadic if you get them at all. Instead Huachuma is a clarigen that amplifies everything, whether that is realizing the beauty of nature, feelings, your open heart, your distrusting mind, sounds, and energy. The connection and harmonization between two energy polarities such as feminine and masculine is also laid bare if you take notice.

Along the same line, Huachuma is a potentiator of the energy in your body. Everything becomes more focused and clear and as you start to work with the medicine you pick up on this and discover what is happening in a way that makes it undeniable. Your consciousness is elevated to the point where you are seeing and feeling a different perspective of what you have always been perceiving and this allows you to see things in a new light.

If I am around something such as the beauty in nature or someone I am attracted to then the pull of the energy is undeniable. I have witnessed this enough to see that just being in the setting of and the energy being expressed leads to a harmonization of the two energy fields and this joining leads to an incredible feeling of pleasure throughout the body that could be thought of as a full body orgasm. It can come on as rising energy that makes you flutter and at first experience you can be taken aback by it however when it continually happens you take notice of why it is happening and then you can relax and enjoy its power.

Today marked the last ceremony of this epic trip and my proverbial cup is full. I had no asks for this ceremony and just wanted to be a conduit for the energy that flows through me, always amplified by the Huachuma medicine. We drove about three hours from Huaraz to Laguna de Llanganuco, otherwise known as Heaven’s Gate which is part of the Huascarán National Park located in the Cordillera Blanca mountain range. About half the drive was up the mountain on a bumpy dirt road that felt like a rickety wooden rollercoaster. The drive was more than worth it as we reached an elevation of 13,000 feet and were greeted by a crystal clear turquoise lagoon and soaring mountain tops.

We hiked along the water’s edge, past the tourist trails, and into a secluded area that was hidden by some brush that the shaman told us was don Howard’s favourite spot.

The maestro conducted another breathtaking and flawless ceremony and I downed a cup of the medicine with ease on my empty and fasting stomach.

The others in the group downed two cups but I didn’t want to take a chance of purging so don Martín gave me an hour before I would drink a second cup. During the first hour once again the senses became alert and sharpened. I surveyed the beautiful scenery and noticed clouds covering the snow capped Huascarán mountain peak.

I wondered if the dragon was veiled by the clouds and if I would see him when the clouds lifted? I spent some time taking pictures of my fellow travellers as the medicine gave me a peaceful and calm feeling. The hour passed by relatively quickly and I drank another full cup with relative ease. Within five minutes I was feeling the intense energy and coming of the god that envelops me while we all went our separate ways. At this point in our multi-ceremony journeys we all pretty much practice the STFU method and so for the next two hours we just all sat or stood alone with the medicine.

The energy load was strong and I felt like a conduit for all the energy in our world. Through belief and desire I realize I shaped my world through the choices made as the energy is then directed into whatever is chosen. I was reminded of my light and dark sides and how the energy vacillates between the two extremes, creating the self at the midway point of the crest and trough of the energetic wave. All is vibration, as the Goddess explained to me the first time I ever drank Ayahuasca. The knowledge download of the light and dark sides of me being a wave pattern was such a great revelation and should allow me to just reconcile with myself and live a more accepting and peaceful life, not wanting to bury parts of me I shun anymore because of culture and expectations. Without both polarities there is no life; instead everything would come to a standstill and without motion there is no life. To live a pure and holy life is to cease to manifest.

I also pondered those who chase an adrenaline rush where the energy we carry around is amplified by putting oneself in a situation where the adrenaline increases the energy load within. Huachuma for me is doing this and also transforming the energy into the power that is behind all of life that consists of the all encompassing love of the feminine source and the consciousness of the masculine source.

The intensity of the medicine increased and the next wave hit as a blast of sexual energy. I became quite fidgety and paced around as it kept growing stronger. I wondered how much of this my body could handle? Parker lent me his sunglasses so I could look directly at the sun which was so high and radiant in the sky and shining with a glorious intensity. By just staring at the sun the energy subsided and I felt a peaceful calm wash over me. I had laid down to stare at the sun as up to this point in today’s journey I had remained upright because the Huachuma settles better in my stomach while upright. Now it felt way more enjoyable to remain lying down even after I gave Parker his sunglasses back. The waves of intense energy returned as I rolled away from direct contact with the sun. At this point Kylie walked past me and grabbed my outstretched hand. The act of holding her hand allowed my energy to transfer to her and I felt a reprieve. It was a double edged sword though as the more I felt her touch the waves of energy intensified and this went on for a while.

The maestro had prepared another ceremony, this time with Pachamama, the great spirit of Mother Earth. He dug a hole in the ground and made offerings of coca followed by corn mixed with grains. We all had a turn to make an offering and I thanked the great Mother for all she had done for me, for this magical day I was currently in love with, and how she created this playground for her children, who are the manifestations of the feminine and masculine energies that pervade all of creation. She created the world in order that we may experience life in a conscious body and play games such as the one I am playing where I will slay the dragon while seeking to free my other half in some extended chase and teasing foreplay divine scenario. I had no more to ask of her as she has done so much for me and I affirmed I’d forever be in her service and need to step up my game in regards to calling out the destruction of this amazing planet we all share. We all took turns with our offerings and then we took the dirt in our hands and covered the offerings while giving thanks. It was one of the most beautiful ceremonies I’d ever had the privilege to be a part of.

After a fruit explosion in our mouths, we cuddled up against the cliff of the mountain and don Martín told us the story of the two great mountains of the lagoon as star-crossed lovers who express their eternal love as the two mountains who in their grandeur face each other for eternity.

We started the hike back to the passenger van with Kylie, Cain, and myself taking our sweet time keeping up with the rest of the group as we drank in as much of the experience as possible. Feeling elated, we kept stopping for pictures. Eventually we caught up to the group at a prime spot for taking pictures against the backdrop of the lagoon and Heaven’s Gate, so-called that because there was no way to determine when the earth merged into heaven. The reminder of don Howard became clear when he said, “you don’t find heaven, you realize it.” A big assist goes out to Huachumita for giving me the key to heaven. As the moon made an appearance the backdrop became all the more surreal.

We became local celebrities as some of the Peruvian tourists wanted to take their picture with us gringos dressed in ponchos. It was quite hilarious.

The bus ride back to Huaraz was so memorable while our hearts were wide open. It rekindled in me what it was like to make connections with people and share a moment of really enjoying their presence. I had long forgotten these feelings and to experience all this once again was a gift beyond measure and I’m so grateful for the opportunity. It was ultimately a lesson in learning that love comes not from an external source but has been in your heart all along. Instead of looking for it, express it. I was energetically wide open with gratitude for my heart, Pachamama, Huachumita, the shaman, and my hermanos and hermana. It was another gift from another lifetime in a day that just keeps on giving.

We went for dinner with the maestro on this last night with him with the energy still present and returning in waves. I eagerly ate my first meal of the day and we ended staying up talking and laughing until 1:30am before calling it a night.

This whole three week adventure has been a gift beyond any conceivable expectation and has allowed me to just accept myself for who I am and learn to stay high and in bliss is the path of the heart while realizing that to engage the mind more than necessary will lead to a hellish existence.

Day 24, Saturday March 7

We are back in Lima and being in a big and bustling city has brought me back to reality. I've had some pangs of home sickness throughout these three weeks I have been away but now it is full on and the prospect of being in Lima any longer than I need to seems to be unwelcome. I’m scheduled to leave early Monday morning but I think I will try to change it to early Sunday morning. It will be good to get back Sunday as it is my dog Luna’s birthday. She probably thinks I’m dead.

I have a lot to unpack mentally from this trip and integrate. Every thing I asked for I believe I have received an answer and now I just have to connect all the information and synthesize all I have learned. One big take away is to stop pretending or striving to be someone you are not. I was shown I have a dark and light side and that is what energizes and enlivens my self. To deny one is to affect and nullify the other. Also I was shown that in order to stay high and in a state of bliss then you need to live in the heart and limit engagement of the mind. I asked for this lesson repeatedly from Huachuma and I was given it which allowed me to fully understand it. I went from experiencing the constant cycling between a state of being in heaven to a trip to hell enough times to really grasp that it is all about choice and how you wish to live and perceive your surroundings. It was a lesson that had to be experienced over and over throughout many years and ceremonies in order to finally get it to sink in which it did fully and completely after don Martín’s mesada at Chavín. I knew after that one I didn’t have to play that game anymore. One constant for me concerning plant medicines is how they amplify everything and that’s how you learn from them. Huachuma’s potentiation of energy just takes every feeling and super-charges them so you can extrapolate their subtle effects you don’t normally realize and see how they actually do affect you and those around you on a grand scale. My energetic aura must shine on a subtle scale that when I drink Huachuma just elevates it into an energetic tour de force. It is really quite incredible to experience how intense the energy is within, how it emanates, and how I can share it with others. When I find another being I can then harmonize my energy with then the connection is magical and a power radiates from that connection that puts you in a state of such sharing and pleasure it is heavenly. I need to ponder if that is what life is all about on all levels? Is it finding a connection with another energy form that electrifies and lights you up? Now that I have found it and experienced it enough I wonder if the energy fields I resonate with are limited or if there are plenty of fields out there you can share the experience with? There’s always more so the journey is far from over and there’s is more to explore. From a personal standpoint I wish to go way deeper into Huachuma. I can’t honestly say I want to continue with Ayahuasca at this point but I do realize there is a synergy with Huachuma when done first to heal and purify so I will respect that modality and synergy between the two plant medicines.

There are also a couple take aways from working with the medicines this time around. One is to be not only a shining example of their ability to transform you into a fully integrated human being but also to be a grounded ambassador to the plants and be more vocal about the benefits and profound discoveries that are available and can be gleaned from working with them. In addition I made a promise to Pachamama to be a champion in terms of environmental concerns. The earth is our home, our sustenance, and our playground which allows her children, the divine female and masculine, that have come forth to experience her bounty in a physical form. We are ignorant and dismissive of her unconditional love and destroying her gift. We as a species are cognizant of this but we need to sense the urgency and enact change. This can be accomplished through awareness and ceremony along with the teachings of plant medicines.

I used to conclude my plant medicine journey recaps with some kind of declaration that I will probably be moving on from that modality of exploring my consciousness. I have stopped doing that as first of all if hasn’t been the case but also because I’d be foolish to stop. I’ve come this far and feel currently that the working relationship I have with them is next level and that is the exciting part I wish to keep exploring. In terms of Huachuma this trip the gate was wide open, I went in and found not only answers I was seeking but the magic available when we break out of mundane consciousness and raise our vibration. I’m ready to go headlong into this exploration.