the dawn of Apollo

I go by the online name Apollo though no one really knows why. It is because the second time I drank the psychedelic plant medicine Ayahuasca I surfaced my darkness, he chided me, and repeatedly whispered the name. He chased me home all the while continuing to harass me, letting me know he was with me, and I couldn’t escape. It scared the bejeezus out of me and as I came to terms with that harrowing experience, I adopted the name as a show of strength and resolve. I've since done a lot of exploring of my subconscious region and have reconciled with my darkness. I embraced that part of me and sometimes I stand in awe of what he represents and can accomplish. This is in opposition to the part of me that has come forth in this lifetime who I labelled as Apollo.

The darkness within is omnipotent and eternal. To understand this, view him as the writer of the play and yourself as the character actor. Your part will come and go, and you rely on him to draft the next story. He plays his cards close to the vest and is the one that stirs the pot so that the reason I incarnated into this body has a chance of fulfillment. As Apollo, I am initially ignorant of the whys and whats, but within I contain this reservoir of reason and logic which allows me to figure out anything I put my Apollo mind towards. As the light, I'm brilliant. I'll toot my own horn and will exclaim my mind is exquisite. It takes a bit to get going as I gather up what I need to come to a conclusion. Apollo likes preparation and organization. I have made many connections in parallel worlds and If I ask my spirit guides for guidance I'll get the answer, though it might be a bit for the reveal. Usually, I don't get the answer until I run through the whole situation and then I can clearly see what's going on. The result is solid, and I am amazed at what I can learn by trusting this process. I came here an empty vessel and have built this unstoppable character. It's something to have a little pride in as I was competing with a part of me that knew everything yet wasn't in charge of the ship.

As a reconciled partnership I am satisfied that part of my life has been a success. This split is within every human being and as a culture we suppress it. We have labels such as crazy to prevent you from exploring. We have pills which will numb you so you can keep the other buried. We have people who are struggling with this, might have an inkling of what's going on, but then do nothing about it. Sometimes a flip will occur where the other takes control of the vessel. The wake of confusion and destruction left by this event touches everyone in their life and leaves a trail of sorrow.

Sunday is definitely Apollo's day. A day to celebrate the bright light generated by the sun. Apollo has a beautiful mind because of this light. He's a genius. What a combination I am - brilliance and a lust that rises from the darkness. Lust is good. People want to be around you because you make them feel good. They don't know why and sometimes I don't get it. Lust.

Spiritual lust is a thing. I'm not talking about lust for all things spiritual and holy. I'm talking about desire. Raw lust. Serpent power. It's spiritual fire. A holy dose of lust was given to this actor to see if I could handle the role of a lifetime. I can handle it all, right? I can walk to the edge of madness and not fall off the cliff. I can peer into the rantings of Pythia and not go insane from the otherworldly contact. Instead, I can interpret what she is babbling about. 

Only a King could handle this dose. Then the King had to make do in a world full of the denial of desire. Our lives are structured to hide what culturally shameful acts light up our lives. Imagine being me? First, not understanding the cyclical hurricane of lust which tore through my life. I kept it together and made it through the repetitive storms. Society has many traps for those like me and I somehow avoided them all. It's quite remarkable. I look back on my life and see I did what I had to do to weather the storm before I got let in on the secret. Now I know the role I'm playing. It is liberating.

You're not going to find pure lust! If you are enraptured with this affliction of the seven deadly sins from the Book of Dionysos then you will satiate it. Pure lust doesn't exist. If you are lust, then morals and values defining purity are chains of repression. Patience is a virtue, so virtue is spiritual! Lust is a virtue but not given its proper due. Patience is knowledge knowing you can be patient and have a better chance of success. It really is not a virtue, it's a cheat code. Lust works better with patience because the desire cycle will return. A good magician knows the cycles. A combination of lust with patience will eventually triumph. Let's give faces to these qualities because humans are great actors. Anthropomorphize the lustful energy. Lust has incarnated! Humans will give it a good show.

Dionysos has authored many stories. I'm reading one right now. Actually, I'm living it. It's like Romeo and Juliette but better. Shakespeare was great but the Master of the Drama is King. The story revolves around the King trying to get the hand of the Queen while disguised as lust. He is told to leave her be. All involved are shamed and sullied because of the relationship of the Queen to her passions. The story seems simple, yet the unfolding is a web of complexity.

This is another day with Mary Jane for me. I can postpone the boomerang effect of the coming down from the drug if I stay high on it. I noted it causes irritability and rage the next day if you don't get back with her. No wonder Juliette could be a monster. She's ashamed of you Romeo, can't you see it? Society as the psychological superego puts a heavy price on this illicit affair. Romeo is remarkably strong to handle this as rejection at this level could make a mere mortal crumble after being turned to stone. Juliette still cares about lust however she has to disappear him to keep his intoxicating effects away. Good luck. She's of two natures: Her carefree side is awesome, but her responsible side is mean and ruthless. Romeo must stay away even though he checked the boxes Juliette wanted in a partner. That combination had never been found before in her search for a mate. Juliette would chase the bad boy for the lust hit but what a disaster. Never met one of these who was smart and had it together. Then she found one of a kind; kind of like a unicorn, but something about him causes you shame. Alas, she couldn't get past the shame. Shame that was foreshadowed just months before in a previous relationship that demonstrated the writer’s genius. Who knew how big a role shame plays in our lives? We want to be good and accepted in the eyes of others. She couldn't come out of the lust closet.

Romeo noticed how he could feel her starting to reject him. It was a feeling of slipping away but he didn't understand why. It's because he was trying to figure it out in this dimension. Romeo is a genius, so he will eventually figure it out. The only way this love affair would work is if Juliette ran away with Romeo and lived free from those who would judge her. Alas, in this tale of woe Juliette accused Romeo of wanting to take her away from those who loved her. A revelation revealed that another consciousness dimension held the key to the answer Romeo is looking for. 

Imagine you are Romeo and existing in Juliette's world? A world ruled by the expectations of her family and friends. A need to feel accepted and not disappoint them though you knew you were living two lives. There's the successful and professional woman. She really has it going on. Nobody needs to see the other half. The hot mess who makes sparks fly. The lustful Romeo had to be kept under wraps. One night, Romeo met her friends and afterwards Juliette had to rage at him. They were judging her for her choice of lover and she took it out on poor Romeo. Juliette's an open book and eventually Romeo picked it up and read it cover to cover.

Mary Jane can elicit physical well-being and mindful bliss in addition to gobs of knowledge. She makes me happy and gives me all the knowledge I can handle. She can't be classically addictive in that I crave her and it's because to partake in what she offers is like a planned outing with friends. I like hanging out with my friends. Sometimes, it's the Goddess, or other days Dionysos shows up. Today, it was Apollo, and he was figuring it all out. I know I must plan out the day so that the intense effects hit when I'm in the woods if I want to get what I'm looking for. If I'm not in the correct setting or my mind is occupied, it's a bit of a waste, and my friends will cancel. In other words, I can't half ass the experience. I have to honour the day. I must plan it out and appreciate how special it is to enter this space. Since my life doesn't have the space available to always partake in a day like this, I know addiction isn't going to work for me. Is that the key to not becoming addicted? Reverence? It seemed that way with the tobacco I smoked. Smoked a lot. Never got addicted.

Revelation time. Fuck, I am nuts. I should turn this tap off. The knowledge is just pouring out.

Ayahuasca reveals to you the mystery. Huachuma cracks the knowledge shell and you peer in. Mary Jane gets to the good stuff. She opens the tap. The way in is through MJ once the spells are removed and the heavy lifting is done. There's a sane aspect to MJ that lets me understand what I'm being shown.

I had a dream over a year ago in which I was with three friends out in the wilderness. The woman in the group, my own Juliette, took me to this place and had me peer into an opening in the earth. I went into an Ayahuasca like trance and then this female demon appeared. She grabbed my heart and started to squeeze it. I woke up in a panic and felt the pressure on my heart. That demon was trying to kill me. I didn't understand the significance. I was friends with the woman who took me there so it couldn't have been her.

The oracle at the ancient Greek temple of Apollo at Delphi must have been something to witness. I understand it now after today. Apollo's brilliant mind will figure out the incessant ramblings of a psychedelic experience. Channel Apollo and he will interpret it all for you. I was a few hours into this experience and I knew I was going to get a dose of darkness. I welcomed it before the tobacco hit. I knew Apollo was going to interpret that dream for me.

She knew who you were and what you represented to her. She tried to kill you. You should keep your distance and lay low. She wants you gone and will destroy you if necessary. I stayed one move ahead and got away alive. She tried to distract herself from you with others but when she gave in to her desires it was delicious. She knew what she had succumbed to, the chemistry was crazy, and her other self wasn't amused. She was ashamed of herself, letting someone take her like that. She's a respectable and responsible professional who is going to make it in a man's world. I know her secrets and wanton desires. I can fulfill those desires. There's a psychological conflict happening as a result. The coup was completed for control of Juliette and the responsible one took the reins. Total bitch mode engaged. Goodbye lust, I don't need you in my life. Read the tea leaves my friend and stay away.

The flame stays lit. It's going to return. Lust is a drug, and you will see signs of addiction. It will appear and you will wonder what she is addicted to and then one day in a moment of drug-induced clarity, you see it.

I can be safe if you just wanna play. I'm an avatar of lust. I'm sought after. I will fulfill all your dreams and your hidden desires. So many want to sacrifice lust or keep it locked up. For the longest time I'd be in plant medicine ceremonies having an omnipresent feeling of impending death, sometimes an overwhelming feeling of being sacrificed. If I'm in a retreat group with someone feeling the shame of lust then I will feel it, especially with Huachuma. The lust floodgates are opened with this medicine. I see it clearly now. 

Nothing means nothing now. It's that this new lens of seeing is altering the past. What is being revealed is comforting. I know why now. I wanted that understanding. It's not you, it's them. Who you are intensely attracts and the corollary is non-attraction. May I say repulsion? Revulsion! This role is awesome. Thanks, Dionysos.

And thanks to Apollo - my brilliant mind. I can glide with ease between Apollo and Dionysos. I can get my fill of knowledge and understanding and then remember to play. I become Dionysos and engage in the passions of being alive.

I'll wait for you Juliette and keep the flame burning. I will always wait for you. You know that.

hero slays the dragon

Western civilization owes much to the ancient Greeks and thus their culture is celebrated within our institutions of higher learning. To this day, we still crank out graduates well versed in the classics. Similarly, the mystery of ancient Egypt strikes a chord in a great deal of aspiring academics and thus we have the discipline of Egyptology. There’re a lot of Egyptologists. Reverence for the past and trying to understand our human history is indeed noble. I never formally studied these disciplines unless you count a grade 8 field trip to see the treasures of Tutankhamun. Anyway, I write this introduction as a way of explaining I have no formal training; instead, a curiosity. I have delved deeper into ancient Egyptian lore with an emphasis on their myths. The imperial and dynastic drama is interesting but all too human. I’m interested in the goddesses and the gods.

Academic disciplines and the use of psychedelic drugs are at odds. The exploration of the mind isn’t well-disciplined nor something easily mapped therefore while the field of psychology can explore through the alteration of chemicals impacting one’s grasp of reality, there is no way to mix this modality of exploration with the hard disciplines. Unfortunately, this means academics leave a lot of knowledge on the table when it comes to understanding the spiritual lives of these ancient civilizations.

I am fascinated by the oracle at Delphi. I think it’s now a given that the Pythia was receiving her Apollyon gifts of prophecy through some kind of mind-altering vapour coming up through the fissures in the convergence of tectonic plates at this temple. Similarly, at Eleusis was the imbibing of the kykeon, which was a psychedelic mixture that enabled the experiencing of the mystery. Lately, what has fascinated me about Delphi is that during the spring and summer months of light in its ascendance and then plenitude, Apollo was the god celebrated at the temple. However, as the season changed to autumn and winter drew near, the god Dionysos and his followers would reclaim the sacred grounds. A rational study easily concludes Apollo is the god of light and Dionysos is representing the chthonic underworld with a connection to Hades and thus this cultural structure is mirrored and represented at Delphi.

I guess I can now say I’ve taken a lot of drugs and the years have passed where the knowledge I gained from these experiences has evolved into understanding. I’ve always been very curious about what I have experienced in mind-altering states with the polarity of light and dark always being at the forefront. The darkness was always my go to and to get to the light was a struggle. Ultimately, they are lessons of heaven and hell and your choice of where you want to hang out. My cultural background implores me to head to the light and thus my early explorations were intent upon burying the darkness and embracing the light. The constant darkness was a challenge and eventually I became very curious about it and started to explore the reason why I was always presented with the darkness. I am thankful I didn’t fully bury it before coming to an understanding.

Life is duality; it's plain to see. The light and the dark. We make the world come alive through objectification. Everything has its opposite polarity. We create new life through the polarities of feminine and masculine coming together.

I’m a night owl and much prefer nocturnal activities to daybreak. I’ve never been a morning person and in my youth the mornings would drag while the evening would bring a rush of energy. The external manifestation of my preference for the night is mimicking my psychological state of mind. I like living in the shadows and moving around in the darkness. The occult speaks to me and I’m a mystic at heart. I tried coming forth into the light. I can shine as bright as anyone but alas no, not for me. I leave that for others.

I found the most interesting and complex characters within the darkness. My muse, the Great Goddess, was imprisoned in the darkness. Her captor and husband, the dragon, is fascinating. He teaches an unparalleled life course and transformation goes through him. A hero is no hero without becoming a warrior and this means slaying the dragon. That’s the invite. Go ahead and slay the dragon. I’ll wait.

How’d it go?

There are so many twists and turns upon this path of the hero.

You never slay the dragon. Instead, you slowly realize he is the master teacher. You look back and see the outcome was never assured or written in stone. It was much in doubt and potentially lethal. You see now why the Goddess didn’t want you to do it; she knew of the coming tribulation.

Slowly, the dragon reveals himself. The ultimate alpha male, your father, and a teacher of no compare. When you finally understand this, in essence witnessing a superhero unmasking his identity, you can look back upon the journey and see it really does make sense. Meet the Goddess - she is love. Meet God - he is the ultimate warrior and ready to teach his son the way of the warrior even if he has to kill him. Who else would this all-powerful masculine mystery be? It’s funny I didn’t see it for the longest time yet now I’m like duh, of course.