Monday, December 31, 2018


When you engage the modality of plant medicines they put you to the test pretty early on in the journey. You don't even know you are being tested, but there are offers to see what your intentions are, or maybe not even intentions but just to see how easily you can be knocked off the path you have embarked upon. If you accept and go down a different road, a highway designed to facilitate your use of this new found fount of power travelled by many others, you will get the carrot dangled in front of you, however I'm sure waiting are many unintended consequences of that choice. Although hardly noticed is any hint of the transformation of consciousness, perhaps that is one of the reasons many who have this experience then encourage others to follow in their footsteps. It is a perverse need to see if others will follow that shiny right hand path to power because, hey, we are all human. Looking back at my journey with the plants that started almost six years ago, it was the second time drinking Ayahuasca when I was accosted by that strange demon who scared the wits out of me. It was a stark reminder that all is not well in my world so there will be a need to face up to it. This demon came back the third time I drank Ayahuasca two nights later, though not as in my face. He offered me a share of ultimate power in the conquest of the universe if I would join forces with him. It was a direct invitation to take the ring of power. I didn't accept it but just endured the sales pitch for the night. When I left the jungle this fucker followed me and kept calling to me and I thought I was going crazy. Things got better once I got home but I was periodically harassed. It reached its peak six months later where he'd wake me every night because at that point he knew I was trying to get away from him. Eventually I vanquished him, well that wasn't a fait accompli until I returned to the Amazon and drank Ayahuasca again. He was there waiting for me and I endured his taunts and rage for the whole ceremony until he fucked off for good. The Goddess the next ceremony told me he wouldn't bother me anymore.

In retrospect if I would have grabbed that ring as offered I'm sure I would have developed an inflated sense of self along with self aggrandizement. Success in life would have been assured with material success and the new and shiny girlfriend, while doubling down on this new found path to glory. Of course the requisite emptiness inside would result but that's what booze and drugs are for until you sink into a hole and expire.

I bring up this tale because it was a questioning of intention and you might as well figure out from the get go why you are doing this because along the path you will be continuously tested. If you can move past the first big one then you got the others, well at least you can spot them. All my life I have had an inflated sense of self, I was shy so I kept it under wraps, but let me explain this: I knew I was smarter than everyone else and sure enough the scholastic testing would always prove that out. I always had that to fall back on when things got tough or I had to prove my worth. From this I developed a cocksure self confidence that given a reasonable amount of time I could figure anything out and then excel at it. Two later life results of this are first when I was 40 I decided I was going to figure out the meaning of life and I was actually serious about it. Talk about hubris but I knew I could do it if I put the time and effort into it. So that was the path I chose and how I ended up where I am today. In retrospect it probably saved my life or at least saved me from a miserable post 40 life so for that I am thankful as well as guiding me toward the left hand shamanic path. The other result is because of this pursuit to find meaning I didn't care about riches, material success, or power. That was not my game, my deal was to figure it all out. However I learned that too will be tested, how far will you go to figure it out? You know the try this, try that, oh this drug is the one that will bring on ultimate enlightenment. Hinduism, Buddhism, do you have a guru? Have you tried transcendental meditation? Uh no sounds exotic and fancy; maybe it will give you the secret? 

I found this place four years ago called SpiritQuest run by this unassuming wiseman don Howard. He called this shamanic work, work. There was a structure to the program, I maintained a discipline, and didn't over do the whole trip. In a way not rushing through the course is tough because you want to hurry the process along, but the post plant medicine use integration period was stressed, so I went on about a 15 month cycle for three years of plant medicine use. It was a good path to enlightenment and once there I could shine for all to see. 

Along on the journey to the top of the mountain to become the most high, to attain enlightenment, are within all the constituent parts you thought you were going to ditch when you got that prize. It doesn't work out that way. All the parts of you, you can't pick and choose, pile in for the joy ride. Your ego sits in the front seat and jumps out of the car first when you get to the top. It's so dazzling at the top of the world. Your psyche, your base desires, and your peculiarities didn't go anywhere, you may have suppressed them, but they're with you now on the mountain top. It is a whole new set of problems, even more so then before. At least when you were just a flawed human you had an excuse for all the things you didn't like about yourself or desires that would erupt from the subconscious at inopportune times. Now what? The stakes are even higher since you have declared yourself enlightened. You have to double down on the suppression and so many are waiting for you to fail, so they point out you and your path are frauds. Well guess what? You're still human, so come down off that mountain and embrace what it is to be human.

That was my weakness that was to be tested and exploited to the greatest extent. I wanted that carrot, I wanted the knowledge and assurance of what this all meant. Like I said, SpiritQuest gave me the discipline to do this in a sane manner and by doing so I realized what was happening when I reached the summit of enlightenment mountain. I was one up on the universe! I knew what it all meant and then I realized in the end it didn't mean anything without Love. Finding meaning meant nothing without realizing that all that matters is Love, for yourself and for all others. So come down off that mountain and share that Love you found with everyone else. I owe that all to don Howard and the impeccable program he created at SpiritQuest. Without this guide I'm pretty sure I would have reached the top of the mountain and lorded it all over others instead of coming back down and being of service. To say I have led a blessed and fortuitous life is an understatement. The call is strong to give back now because as I have learned, all are my sisters and brothers. 

Monday, December 24, 2018


My idea of a trinity involves the sacred marriage of the divine feminine and masculine within that creates through this union the all encompassing hermaphrodite. Bringing the two powers together creates a wholeness of one and also the three. The one is both. In order to access or see it I have to reconcile within these sacred powers. Then I see it. I look into a mirror and I see it, my reflection is the all. I see her and I see him and we are one. I stand at the head of my Mesa and I see us together. I know she is there within me and when combined we transform into the divine couple. When we come together and reunify we will birth new worlds. This universe is the child of the divine couple.

At the conclusion of the movie 'The Matrix' the song 'Wake Up' by Rage Against The Machine exhorts us to wake up. The lead singer Zack de la Rocha pleads with us. He screams "WAKE UP." It worked. Years later I'm in a small town on the equator in the Andes mountains in Ecuador.

I have discovered within my long hidden soul mate. A rooster continuously crows trying to wake me and prepping me for the sacred marriage. I write this down to acknowledge the parallels.

It required a great deal of time, knowledge, wisdom, and understanding to not only figure it out but to actually feel it; to know deep down the answer. I've had the answer for a few years now, probably since the summer of 2016 when I returned from the Amazon jungle. I wasn't able to add it all up and see it though until a few weeks ago. I stood at the head of my Mesa and I saw the answer looking back at me. The realization washed over me and I felt it. I am it. I felt her within and I felt the union. I looked into the union of the serpent and the jaguar and saw it. That's me! And I'm everything. The sacred feminine and masculine were combined as one and acting as my reflection. You know, Jesus is nothing without Mary. Together they are 'god'. They are within us and externally we reenact the sacred coupling with our marriage ceremony. Many ancient cultures had divine couples or dual sexed gods: Isis and Osiris, Virachoca, Shakti and Shiva, and of course my favourite the Ancient Greek god Dionysos - the ecstatic, effeminate, passionate, and liberating one who is eternal and indestructible. The masculine comes forth but underlying everything is the feminine and this is the essence of Dionysos.

The Hindu hermaphrodite Ardhanarishvara - the union of Shakti and Shiva

When I alter my frequency I can access the hidden and forbidden; we call this the occult and are discouraged from entering into these worlds. It's all here now. I've spent time with her in these realms, most of it not understanding our relationship or who I am. She asked me to come away with her, pleaded with me the first time I did it. I said no; I still have things to accomplish in my earthly life and my family to take care of. The second time she invited me into her golden castle and we combined as one through the heart and mind. The third time was an erotic get together in the ancient Egyptian temple of the Goddess at Denderah.

Temple of the Goddess at Denderah

It was the most exotic scenario and incredible feeling of pleasure I have ever felt as she moved over top of me. I didn't pursue this; I was taken aback by this visionary sexual tryst and I guess I wasn't ready to find out about desire plus how it makes the world go round. I did come back for more. She's always around. She became a fairy and enchanted me with her grace and charm. She transformed into a serpent, a large green boa, and entered into me and ended up resting upon my left shoulder. She came back to be at my side after I transformed into a jaguar as my Queen. We married last December in Ecuador on a mountain straddling the equator during a Huachuma ceremony. A rooster crowed repeatedly to wake me up and get my attention. There was someone there playing a drum like I had never heard before. There was a lightness and joyful feeling. Then she transformed into a cow and lay in the grass field next door.

I have told her I'm done with searching in my lifetimes. I have been wandering through millenniums, lost in search of the answer, stubborn in my desire to solve the mystery of the great game. This incarnation is it for me as everything I have wanted to learn and solve has been satiated. I know there is always more to learn and I'll keep digging at it but it's all gravy now. I need to finish this book I'm writing that will free a great many humans from a mental prison. That is a promise I made to her and the plants concerning my sacred journeys. The maestro don Howard calls it reciprocity; it's giving back, a thank you. After that I will return home when the time comes. We will be together, start a family, and birth another universe. 

Monday, December 17, 2018

the game

Culture sets up rules plus goals to accomplish and from the placement of the goal posts, you strive to try and win the game. We get totally involved in our contests, whether it is scholastic, employment related, or a competition we are playing. It gives you a thrill when the outcome is on the line and a sense of satisfaction if the goal is accomplished. Conversely, if you fail at the game or lose a deciding contest, there is a sense of disappointment or worse despair. Humans love games; so much so, that I think gaming is divine and is something universal that creates adventure and excitement. Take it from the standpoint of being omnipotent with the power to control everything. You would be totally bored; so, you would start relinquishing this power in order to create outcomes that are not predetermined. The thrill is there but you still hold onto some control so you don't get lost in the game. We are adventurous and like to take chances so you give it all away and enter into your own creation, perhaps leaving the key to get out with a trusted friend but they are not to use it unless you really foul up your game.

We judge success in anything and everything by wins and losses and we must compete. In our capitalist society business is all about competition; even as a worker you are in competition for employment as well as the constant striving to move up the corporate ladder. Have to kill it at work and become the best, better than all the rest. Gotta get the latest fancy and trendy car to let others know I've made it! Have to get the hard won degree from an institution of higher learning, an institute created by other game playing humans, that demonstrates how smart I am and that my hard work is rewarded. Even set is the trap that in order to gain enlightenment you have to climb the spiritual mountain and win that game. Making the announcement you are enlightened is the ultimate in absurdity.

Do you see it? We create all these artificial cultural goals and then we attach this way of thinking onto everything we do no matter how altruistic and holy we make the game. So, what will happen when I die? Well, if you were good or did the religious institution of choice's bidding then you get rewarded in the afterlife. You can see it now that I have pointed it out. How good do I have to be? Do I need a perfect score? Who decides? Is it the celestial arbiter that grants me the ultimate win?

We have done this to ourselves.

There's no game you have to win, you are creating your game and all that goes along with it. You know when you sit in meditation and finally come to the realization that letting go of thoughts leads to you just being aware? Well, it's a similar situation I am describing with the game. A game is in the same category as a thought. Stop playing games and what are you left with? Experience. This journey in human form is an experience. There's no competition, nor winners and losers. It’s like playing music or dancing that has no ulterior motive. You are just playing for the sake of playing.

Remember to play I was reminded of often last fall while travelling through Peru and Ecuador. Play for the sake of playing.

Unconditional Love for all will come from dropping the need to play the game for gain; to not compete with your fellow humans but to come together, share, and create harmonious bonds.

Most of us play the game all our lives down to our last breath. We are so ensconced in it we don't want it to end. And then posthumously we are offered the chance to roll the dice and play the game one more time. Okay, weeeeee let's go! When it is finally time to go home, you step off the merry go round and leave the carnival via the main gates. The game was fun but I don't want to play it anymore.  

Monday, December 10, 2018

three times' the charm

Three times' the charm - cliche, spell? This can speak to the dissemination of falsehoods in that if you repeat a lie enough then eventually it becomes accepted. Salesmen learn this trick early; it requires a suspension or bypassing of that inner voice that might flag this as being dishonest and they learn to drown out that voice. The top sociopaths are masters at this and then beguile themselves into believing the lie. Referenced within this strange cliche are also language spells that reveal how easily humans can be fooled with words. As Terence McKenna proclaimed "The world is made of language!" It's true we bring this world into existence through the objectification of abstractions with flimsy boundaries of what constitutes the object and then we assign attributes to these abstractions using tricks of descriptive language. It would be an oversight if I did not lump the advertising industry in with this charming phrase. Not only do the pushers of product sell a lifestyle of expectation which appeals to our egos with their clever advertisements but the top manipulators know they must buy enough advertising time in order that their message is repeated and thus becomes one of those mental worms ingrained in the psyche of their unsuspecting victim. Television especially lulls you into a stupor so the hypnotic advertisement can do its work. The only downside to the advertiser is the hypnagogic ability of television to put you to sleep. No matter however, the message is repeated online, on highway billboards, on the transit system you use to get to work, and so on. Another trick is using the inability of most people to think on the spot, especially when challenged. In that case we resort to what is most easily recalled and this means spouting out one of these cliches or an easily remembered claim from a commercial. The ego being what it is and not wanting to be called out for changing its mind or thinking about something, will then double down on these beliefs regardless if they still or ever believed in them.

Monday, December 3, 2018

plants and unselfishness

Plants are of a higher consciousness and evolution than humans. They have physically evolved to the point where they can take in the energy from the sun and convert it into foodstuff. The animal must constantly kill living creatures in order to survive. There's no way around it, whether it is taking the life of animal or plant. The plants give freely of their virtues and gifts to animals. The plants heal and if you are open minded you can learn they also teach. The plants offer all this unconditionally. There is no expectation for a reciprocal offering; that is up to you and your free will. The plants teach us unconditional love if you open your heart and connect with them.