go with the flow

Wake up and know.

Never lose who you are again.

It's a key to the question of eternal life.

We all have eternal life because we are all part of the mind at large.

The mind at large is everything.

This splinters into infinity and the result is creation.

It's a cycle.

Is it a personal cycle?

What do you mean?

It's always present where the vibration just is, and the concept of time fools us into thinking it comes and goes.

The vibration is both at once.

It is infinite and it is all.

We create a timeline and plot out a continuous cycle of coming and going.

We walk the eternal path of the great vibration.

The path exists in its fullness and completeness.

It doesn't need time to unfold.

It already is it.

I haven't been high for a month.

Well, you are awake.

You aren't going back to sleep.

You'd have to short circuit your brain in order to do that.

How would I do that?

A lobotomy or incapacitating drugs.

Gotcha.

Now that you know, you have eternal life.

You always had eternal life, but the lapse in awareness of who you are creates the impression you are a one off.

Yeah, most people are convinced they are a random occurrence and are desperate for some kind of afterlife.

The fraudsters and tricksters among us use that to their advantage and create institutions that will grant the desperate among us eternal life.

Have you ever examined religious institutions?

Yes.

What do you see?

They are ungodly wealthy.

It's a good business they have going.

You don't need them.

All you must do is wake up.

Once awake, you will see.

Nobody knows this though.

I know some people have awakened.

How come they don't know this?

Power.

When you wake up the fear gets most, and they go back to sleep.

If they keep going, they get clarity.

When you get clarity, you see you are in control.

That's power.

The temptation is too much, and they don't move past power.

If you can manage that, you see it all.

Don't you see death?

Yes.

Doesn't that scare you?

It's tough.

At the outset of the journey the expectation is you will live to be a wise elder and go gracefully into the night.

Instead, death knocks on your door.

People start dying around you.

My dog died.

I wondered if life was worth it.

It was a tsunami of sadness and death and then externally and internally you are told it is time to go.

Oscillation describes the continuous cycle that powers the world.

The flow returns all to balance through oscillation.

When the alternating current comes to a stop, all is one again.

Non-duality.

There is nothing.

If you do nothing, you will return to nothing.

When you do something, everything comes apart in duality and the story plays out.

The story is part of the flow.

The flow consists of doing something and doing nothing.

The flow is created by doing something.

Doing nothing will return the flow to its state of nothing.

The flow is nothing.

The flow is put in motion by something.

All is the flow.

The watercourse teaches that energy will seek the path of least resistance.

The flow is lazy.

The flow is smart.

The flow just is.

Why would you go against the flow?

Because you are struggling to tell your story.

You want to be greater than the story.

You want to deliver an outstanding performance in order to be recognized.

Who do you want to be recognized by?

The writer of the story.

Why?

To be ensured you will get a part in the next story.

Is he going to write another story after this one ends?

Yes, he will write the 7th story.

Those who have been granted eternal life by the writer want in the 7th story.

In the 6th story, he wrote that the elites figured out a way to live forever, however they are trapped in the 6th story.

It's hell.

That story ended and they are trapped in it.

They can't leave and they roam around the universe in their rocket ships looking for civilization.

So, the 6th story doesn't end?

It will end, however some actors are trapped in it.

Who is in the 7th story?

Dogs, Paul, Hitler, and Trump for sure.

That's quite the list.

My friends will be there and my adversaries as well.

Pretty much anyone I know.

I'll write a good story, incorporating some elements from the previous stories.

All writers do this, though they must make it fresh.

The character of Paul will be God, won't he?

I don't like plans.
Why?
It's a trap.
Everything is constantly changing; therefore, you go with the flow.
The flow doesn't make plans.
The flow adapts to each situation with grace.

I am thinking about what people do with their time.
Why?
It seems meaningless.
If that's what you want.
You can do something that has meaning.
That involves being of service or improving your own self.
Both of those activities make you feel good.
Are they rewarding?
If you think so, yes.
You can fool yourself into thinking that.
What if the best thing for someone in this lifetime is to suffer?
What if that is the catalyst towards them waking up?
You come along and help them, so they don't suffer as much.
You prevent them from waking up, which will get them off the ceaseless cycle of coming and going.
Suffering is most likely their ticket out of here.
What if they like it here?
Then they will be attracted to another ride on the merry-go-round.
That seems like a gamble.
Certainly.
You could respawn in a third world country, go to war, or be a subjugated woman.
Maybe you'll be born in Saskatchewan to a nice middle class family.
You have no say.
It's the flow.
The flow will give you what you need, not what you want.
I thought the flow just flows?
It does.
The flow for everyone will lead to your awakening if you let it.

Am I wasting time?
Does it feel like that?
Sometimes.
I have noticed I get up in the morning and don't really contribute anything to life.
You write about it.
I do spend a large chunk writing about my predicament.
Does that have value?
No one reads it.
What if they did?
It's the most valuable thing in the world.
Why?
It will lead to your awakening.
What will that get you?
Eternal life.

Why are you more creative with Mary Jayne?

Creativity is a flow state.

MJ puts you in the flow.

You are amazing teachers.

The curriculum is impeccable.

When you do, do it impeccably.

MJ teaches you to flow.

All the spiritual outfits know it.

They teach the flow.

Then they go against it when they get power.

What does MJ lead to?

Waking up in the flow.

I was on my way.

She puts you in it.

People go to the sauna and cold plunges to reset.

They try and get back in the flow.

They know the flow is where they want to be.

They never stay in the flow.

They get power, use it, and it causes an imbalance.

Why would I resist MJ?

Because you are in the flow.

She took you to the flow and you separated.

MJ takes you to the flow, but she doesn't stay.

Why?

She will stone you.

If you stay with the Goddess, the story ends.

Adventure happens away from her and then trying to get back to her.

Once you get her, you must let her go or the story stops.

What about MJ?

Take a break.

Get out of balance a bit.

She leads you back to balance.

You aren't constantly high.

Fuck, no.

You know balance.

That's the key to addiction.

Yes, MJ stones.

With all potential addictions you let them lead you down the path to addiction and then you resist them.

You mean do nothing.

Yes.

That's the resistance.

Doing nothing.

Lao Tzu was a drug addict.

He tells you how to use them to uncover the mystery and then how to not let it be your doom.

You ride the flow to the writer.

You become the writer.

You do nothing.

You see, to win the game of flow is to do nothing.

I did nothing.

You won.

I figured I won.

What am I doing now?

Nothing.

Fucking around.

Getting old.

Playing with others.

I see.

Lao Tzu was a heavy drug addict who figured out the game.

He told everyone the secret.

No one practiced what he preached until you came along.

A do nothing asshole, and you win.

Those who know Tao, don't speak about Tao.

That would be doing something.

They write about it.

Lao Tzu gives you the clue to who it is you are looking for.

Those who know Tao, write about it.

Holy fuck.

The couple hours in the woods are priceless.

i think therefore i am

I was on my deck smoking mapacho and contemplating the sheer incalculability and the favourable conditions needed to birth and sustain life upon earth. From just a cursory look at it, the earth is at an optimal position away from a star that gives off the optimal amount of heat and energy. The earth needed to be seeded with the building blocks of life and then conditions had to be present to enact a spark that put it all in motion. Subsequently, the atmosphere had to cool and carbon removed in order for life to gain a foothold on land. Eventually, the species I lay claim to had to exist in trees to avoid being eaten by the predators that roamed the earth and then some event had to occur that evolved our brain size and cognitive skills. The result is I’m sitting down in front of this computer entering my thoughts into something called a word processor that I can then share with the rest of my species on this planet. I’ve left out a great deal of the steps needed to get to this point! However, it is quite incredible that this is the situation at hand. What dawned on me was this is so implausible that I figure it is the closest proof I will ever get to the theory that the universe’s source is the mentation of a mind at large who dreams the world into existence and I guess by dream I mean creates by fiat through mental processes that manifest as vibrational energy. I wonder if the process is even aware of the physics involved in concocting this fantasy realm that we live in or if it just does it? I mean it sounds ridiculous except for when we scientifically investigate the structure of existence and get into subatomic particles where it is a non-stop rabbit hole of discovery, we think we have found the source and natural physical laws. Further investigation reveals it gets fuzzy again and breaks out into chaos and vibrational patterns and on it goes from particles to waves and so on.

I had another one of those aha moments because of this. My thought processes lately have been a gradual letting go of anything concrete to rest my conception of the fount of existence on. I let go of unity because I realized I was objectifying it and using it to declare the self as an illusion. I finally came to the understanding that they are one process and a continuing pattern of energy that cycles between unity and self and neither can lay claim to truth or being the ultimate state of anything. It’s an interesting perspective and it opens up another pandora box of thinking. It’s like the situation where I have said before I can listen to Alan Watts over and over again and perhaps on the tenth time listening to a lecture I will finally get it and have an aha moment. It’s become obvious now why as I keep unlocking blocks in my thinking processes that when I clear them finally allows me to understand what he is talking about. The man is a genius and his philosophy is all laid out but you end up missing so much of it until you evolve your own thinking processes and then it becomes a wondrous journey again and again. The same approach works well with my curiosity and speculation upon existence.

It’s got me thinking about the illusory structure of matter that breaks down into vibration when you examine it. Everything alive is always on the move and changing so to pinpoint matter or nouns of any nature is fundamentally illusory. Just like you and I are illusory because we are just temporary and our bodily existence will perish. I should probably use the word temporary instead of illusory as it will probably lessen the confusion however I have to admit the word illusory has a mystery behind it and is more impactful in the way that it challenges your thinking. It is important to challenge your thinking as that is how you grow intellectually and your thoughts expand and mature. I mean when you say it is all illusory what the hell are you talking about? It’s constant change. Pause here so you can grasp this concept. So, anyway with my new thinking processes I can now see that matter is actually part of a process; an ongoing pattern of life where the energy becomes form, densifies, and creates matter. Matter goes through a dissolution process and returns to free flowing energy but it is all the same pattern. One of my hang ups was I insisted matter be a state of permeance as opposed to a temporary stop on the energetic path; just like unity and the self are stops along the way of the process which I like to describe as a flower that comes forth from the seed, blooms as the metaphor of self, and then returns to its origins. Matter is the expected result of an energy system that is in constant flux and really isn’t illusory, just like you aren’t, but temporary.

The path to the realization of self and its opposite no self involves riding the thinking wave. Physically, we recognize the boundary of our body encapsulated by an epidermis even though fundamentally we can't separate it from the environment. Mentally, we enact the separation by thinking about what we are sensing and then we start to delineate based upon perception. Thinking is the crowning achievement of self. Light is its symbol. 

In closing, I’d like to give a shout out to the use of substances that can facilitate a change in consciousness that unlocks the potential of the mind and its thinking processes. I’ll present myself as exhibit ‘A.' So much of psychedelic use and its modalities have been forced underground, trivialized, stereotyped, or you have to travel far distances to participate legally in a plant medicine ceremony making it a pipe dream for most. They are not to be taken lightly and their potential to evolve our consciousness is vast. I have to admit I was fortunate to come into the care of a great organization that guided me through this process and gives me now the knowledge, courage, and open mind needed to help humanity realize the great benefits of the evolution of consciousness that must take place if we are to survive as a species.

knowledge junkie

There's always more and however deep you dig thinking you are on the cusp of figuring it all out, in the end you are just telling yourself a story. I'm an unrepentant and hopeless seeker of knowledge and ultimate truth. I stand, well actually comfortably sitting, before you now and fully admit I will go on seeking. I know to some it is an exercise in frustration however I haven't found that to be so and I enjoy the discoveries and sure it is just another layer off the proverbial onion but to me the aha moments and epiphanies give me the impetus to continue on. It's like being an adrenaline junkie of sorts, perhaps jumping out of planes, however my drug of choice is knowledge. While seeking I have been reminded many times to play and have been given explicit lessons that this knowledge I seek does not matter. Love is all that matters. In a way that is what keeps me going. I have the answer. I do not need to seek anymore. I really love seeking though, so on I go.

Dreams play into this seeking. I dig down and discover all is vibration and then dreams keep suggesting to me not only is all vibration but the vibration is mental in origin. When I dream I create worlds, heck universes with their physics all within the turnings of my mind. On a cosmic scale I'm not very good at it and only do this for a few hours a night. Imagine the mind at large, an accomplished dreamer of the first order, who takes naps that last for billions and billions of years? I'll never get to test out my hypothesis in this lifetime so theory this one will remain. Does that become frustrating? No, not really because I then approach it a different way. What if I ensconced myself in my own dream? Like entered into my own game or better yet instead of limiting me to the arcade version where you can play just one of the characters how about you make yourself into many avatars? Now we are getting somewhere. Then I tire of the joystick, of having to control trillions of entities, so I give them all free will and choice. Then there's this crazy planet called earth where the prisoners, or I mean the inhabitants, have free will and choice which plays out in many different outcomes and I learn about myself.

In this scenario the mind at large, the dreamer, the source of mentation, is an unrepentant seeker of knowledge of self as well. I'm in good company!

While seeking it’s a long and winding road to find unity as you traverse the hallway of self to find no self, which leads you to a fundamental unity. It’s quite a momentous discovery to find the essential inseparability of all and to realize that you are not only a part of the all but to realize the all is from where you came. There is a tendency at this point to disparage the self; to declare it an illusion. To insist that you are fundamentally inseparable from the all so how can you lay claim to the existence of self? In a way it feels like you are one up on everyone else because you realize they are just phantoms but they just can’t see it. Hopefully one day they will see it like you do so you’ll have someone that you talk with about your new found awareness.

Alas the dissolution of ego was just another trip of the ego. The denial of self was another way to rise up above the deluded masses. Oh the games we play, always trying to be the one on top. It adds impetus to any banality found within our game.

If you ever find yourself bored with life then drop everything and go on a spiritual trip. I promise you it is the most fascinating and seemingly never ending journey you will embark upon. You can always declare at some point you have found the truth and disembark from the ship of discovery however please let it be known that ship goes on forever and ever and you’ll never get to the destination. A declaration of enlightenment is really just admitting you are tired of seeking and searching. Time to lay down some roots and let this be.

Okay I’ll come out and say it. Unity is a crock. I went too far and didn’t get off the ship at my intended stop. I found out all that mattered was love and I found unity. That was supposed to be it and then I could teach that to others but I never disembarked and I kept on searching. I should have become aware I’d do this; I mean when I went searching for the ego and found that sucker I tried to strangle it and be done with it. It just came back and then I realized that as long as I viewed myself as separate then I would be separate and from that there was no escape. I then realized I was the flower that was blooming from the fount of energy that everyone comes from and while I was this flower I could look at it from a holistic point of view, see that it is all one process, and integrate all the parts of me I separate, including the ego, and put them all back together and find out that I am the all. Pretty heady stuff and boy I have come a long way.

When I say unity is a crock I mean I am still trying to define something that is fundamentally undefinable. I will blame the conventions of language for this, specifically the need for nouns. I need an object to stand on and I need something solid to base my ideas on. In this case I chose unity. That has to be it and where everything comes from. Unity is the thing man! I wrote a few blog posts back that my dismissal of the self was incorrect because it is the expected outcome of the process. The energy cycles between unity and self, never stopping, so that you cannot actually pinpoint any actual chunk of time as being complete unity or the actual self. It is always on the move. The pinnacle of self is the same as the blooming of the flower but that moment is not forever frozen in time no matter how much simpler that would make this whole process of discovery become. From this I realized there is no use trying to pin down the truth of the flower. Is it the seed? Roots? I was assigning truth to the fount. Unity is my ultimate fount.

Yeah I’m surprised it took a couple weeks as well after this to see the error of my ways. Unity was everything and the truth because at some point I had decided it was the fount from which everything came from. Uh oh, I just talked myself out of that and I’m left hanging again. I objectified unity and I know that’s a bullshit move. The energy, whatever that is, is oscillating from unity to self continuously. Unity is the same as my attempt to define self. Now I’m stuck on energy as my fount, my object. Well I guess at this moment in my odyssey I can say my noun is a verb and maybe leave it at that. My dreaming activity and intuition tells me the vibration is from the mind much like the dreamer that creates worlds through mentation. Okay so who is the dreamer? It’s the self returned to unity. We re-enact this every night when we sleep which is the little death; death being a return to unity. Unity doesn’t last though because well nothing sits still. If this is true, once again who is the dreamer?

Heavy sigh. The ship sails on and I’m its open ended passenger.

Wait, wait, wait… The dreamer is the self but at the opposite side of individual self. The all dreaming as one big unity self, mind at large, the great he she, and the vibration creating the universe. The dreaming of unity creates the vibrations that causes all these selves. What if the mind at large wakes up or stops playing? I guess I’ll have to explore this now for a while. Onward Ho! 

path to and with heart

There is no self. The final attachment we cling to is the sense of self and language and culture are not our friends in this regard. Language is pretty well near impossible to use in an everyday manner without the assumption of selfhood. Try it - I dare you! Pretty much everything about me is an attached behaviour and I can reduce myself to a sense of conscious awareness combined with this emotional feeling of what we call the heart - the intuitive, insightful, and loving part. The combination of these divine principles within is us. The mother is common to all as the heart and our minds are individual beacons of the divine mind at large which represents all of consciousness. We are all children of divine parents and we incarnate in this world and build this edifice by attaching behaviours to it by choice; the choices we make are of course compromised by previous choices we have made and these are also influenced greatly by our environment and circumstance. Advertisers and their sophisticated systems of data analysis know this all too well. It is stunning to see how they track and use our online behaviour to pretty much build a complete profile of us as individuals. It’s funny, I’d almost expect an advertising information technologist to become the world’s foremost proponent of an eastern type of philosophy of letting go of the self. It is clear that only by shedding these acquired behaviours, attachments basically, that we can hope to figure out who we are. Without giving up the sense of self, which we have spent a lifetime building up, we can never get to a point of understanding.

In mythology you can see now why the Goddess is both the mother and the lover. The feminine and masculine are joined together and that is the all. They separate and we have the building blocks of creation. The feminine takes the energy and births forms. The masculine is the intellect driving the direction of all this creation. The mind desires to incarnate into the multitude of forms in order to self reflect and understand itself. The feminine mother acquiesces to this desire and allows the mind into forms through the construction of a limited mechanical device called a brain which allows for consciousness to appear in a restrictive and low vibrational material form. The masculine mind gets lost in creation and the feminine mother is buried away as we lose connection to her because of the dominant nature of consciousness which by now has split into a bipolar nature in this dualistic existence. The original eternal pair retain a faint memory of each other and call out in desperation. They are the original divine lovers and the mother becomes the lover once again searching for her lost loved one. This theme is the basis for many myths.

I saw this interplay in at least three visions. First time I drank Ayahuasca I was witness to the feminine as lover, soul mate, and the Great Mother. Fifth time I drank I went to the castle of gold where she is locked away. Seventh time I drank was an erotic meeting in the temple at Denderah (The most erotic feeling I have ever experienced).

Goddess Hathor's temple at Denderah

As well my Huachuma vision of the light and the two serpents was the intellect protected by the two aspects of the feminine, mother and lover, that form the heart.

Huachuma Vision

This was followed by her telling me the ego mind will stop at nothing to prevent the reunification of the two divine principles. This last journey to Peru seems like it was a summation, a call to finally understand what this was all about, to trust the heart space and turn off the intellect because it is tainted with the ego mind. When I was finally able to do that it began the process of piecing it all together. I knew the story now and just had to find her. I've found her.

To heal others is to help them find her as well. That seems to be my path going forward.

consciousness as a remedy to suffering

On the question of suffering: I really don’t know if there are cascaded parallel worlds built off of each other, which seems plausible as a dream within a dream and so on, each with diminishing levels of consciousness and by dream state I mean projected energy emanating from the masculine mind. The suffering in this world would reflect the level of consciousness within its creation. This world contains mental energy emanating from the 'mind at large' masculine spirit which is then materially formed and birthed by the feminine soul, this sum total reflecting the current consciousness level and requisite amount of suffering. The mental energy is not fixed; we can actively change it for the good or the bad through choice. If I currently had to guess at a reason for existence of the paradigm we find ourselves in it would have to be to evolve into a purified mind that through free will has shed the darkness and embraced love while being ensconced in a hostile world which presents a difficult dilemma of what choice to make. The further our conscious intention is enveloped by love the more perfect world we can create. I’m not sure it has a fixed destination, however Love is the path and the way forward.

In a ways the mythology which could be created by this idea is one where the male seeker was distraught because he was forever being pursued by an evil villain and wished to vanquish this dragon once and for all. So they became locked in this world created to host combat so twisted that the hero ultimately forgot what he was fighting for. The feminine lead is distraught and desperate to get him to awake from this amnesia and worldly distraction which will lead him to remember why he is on this journey. She too is confused as to her whereabouts but still holds a intuitive connection through the heart to the reason behind this madness. She is suppressed and subjugated to second class status in order to keep her away from the hero. The darkness' goal is to continue the conflict for as long as possible, racking up victory after victory, and sinking the hero further down into the abyss. It is through letting go of self and embracing love that the hero finds this goddess and the strength to ultimately prevail. Until that event happens, round and round the combatants are entangled in a struggle no one can win.

reality as a dream state

The content of recent Ayahuasca ceremonies has given me pause for thought. The ceremonies started off somewhat dark and I have also noticed the ephemeral materials used to construct the visions at first are like building blocks. My thoughts concerning this is the projection of darkness and primitive structures is of my own making. My mental energy projects the negativity at the start of the ceremony because it is my normal mind state. I usually go there first, the cynical and dismissive, so it makes sense I would enter into a world constructed out of that energy upon commencement of the inner journey. In these mind states, I noticed once I silenced my mind or directed my consciousness towards love everything would change and the scenes would become more fully developed. If I am correct, what I am perceiving is the beginnings of an understanding that I am a co-creator not only in my world which I live in but it is also like a practice run of this discovery that worlds are made up of projected mental energy and since I am a novice this is what I come up with. It could also be a metaphorical representation of my limited skills in this regard. When I enlist the heart, the scenes in my visions become richer. This is very interesting and exciting because I'm keen to test and develop this. It is very reminiscent of the idea of the Logos. It is in a sense creation by fiat through mentation.

This leads to the idea of reality as a dream state. By dream state what I'm inferring is the mind at large imagining the world into existence. As the fount of all consciousness, the mind at large is responsible through the process of mentation, for this universe and the laws that govern it. The mind at large however is not the monad of non-duality. The one is the combination of the masculine mind at large with the feminine creator. The mind at large is the impetus for creation but it is the feminine that brings forth creation by crafting the mental energy into forms. The separation of the feminine and masculine is what initiated the unfolding of the universal creative process and the human is the crowning achievement of this process, and we all retain aspects of the mother and the father. As children of the all, we possess their traits, and they sometimes remain forever latent within or are expressed in ways unbeknownst to us. The dream state we experience during sleep is an excellent example of this. Within our dreams we create multi-faceted and very interesting worlds governed by whatever laws and parameters are assigned to this state. Curiously, our individual dream states revolve around our sense of self which is in stark contrast to the idea of reality as the dream state. If the mind at large maintained an overbearing sense of self then the dream state projected would be very lonely. By forfeiting the sense of self, the mind at large becomes the many, loses itself in the process, but through this sacrifice allows for the multi-faceted universe. My contention is that our process of dreaming is built off of this ability to imagine worlds into existence. Why our dream worlds remain primitive and self centred is that we have not fully become cognizant of who we really are. When we reach that knowledge as a species then we can let go of ego, that sense of self, and each can effortlessly manifest another dream world of the many, creating further universes that all invariable link back to the divine couple. It leads to speculation that builds upon this idea of what level are we currently at in the dream state? Is this reality we live in a product of the original monad or has the chain of dreaming reached several dreamers who have now conjured this existence which of course would then extend to other infinite dreamers who have mastered the art of mentation? I also intuit a sense of adventure, hide and seek, and discovery in this divine dream game of sorts. It is the masculine mind at large that becomes the many but the feminine aspect remains whole and reveals herself in the heart, in nature, and as the Goddess. The mind at large separated into the many, I recognize it as a part of me, my intelligence, and it has always been front and centre within though a lifelong struggle with its opposite form here in this duality, what we call ego, has ensued. The ego then at some point in our lives gets the upper hand. By sensing the presence of the feminine and allowing the heart to flourish one can receive the strength necessary to give the mind the power to overcome ego, throw off its chains and rescue the princess, the feminine, who has been imprisoned by the dragon.

It is said by the indigenous people who are very experienced with Ayahuasca that the visions induced by this brew are of the same world as dreams. I have given much thought to this and compared the visionary and dream state from a personal standpoint. In the visionary state I have had experiences where I have felt I was participating in the creation of the vision and what was interesting about it was the primitive nature of the vision. When I felt that I was in control of the process I have recorded that the vision felt and looked like it was made out of Lego blocks and was crude. During my last cycle of work, I made major strides in being able to quiet the mind and allow the heart space to become the driver of the visionary state. This was because when I remained within my head I had major problems dealing with ego and the ceremonies would turn dark but when I finally gained the ability to move out of the head and into the heart, the vibe changed dramatically. Not only the darkness dissipated but the quality of the visions became more detailed and ornate. As well, when I have remained ensconced in the head space visions at times have ceased altogether. It leads me to believe my capacity for dreaming a world into existence is very primitive, as expected, and it would be a long teaching process to advance to a level of mastery concerning the ability to create worlds. What seems to corroborate this is the first time I drank Ayahuasca and was immediately in the presence of the Goddess and remained that way for the night. The visions were of exquisite and bejewelled rooms dripping with opulence and a smell that delighted my senses, so much so my seeking out this fragrance in the mundane world has proved fruitless! This was the dream world of the Goddess. The second time I drank and became ensconced in the hypnotic world of the ego it was not pleasant at all, but rather quite strange, upsetting, and induced a huge amount of fear. It brings up the idea of co-creation and being given a choice of what kind of world you want to create, not only in the dream state but within the consensus reality waking dream state we find ourselves currently in. On the other hand, the dream state compared to the visionary state is rich and varied but always from a first person perspective and I have noted instances of ego mind permeating the dream where I would be judging others' actions within the dream. The dream state is naturally relinquished to the subconscious yet I maintain a sense of self, the ego spell, which then contaminates the dream. Conversely, in the visionary state I have been able to to bypass ego and that results in a feeling of oneness, connection, bliss, and universal love. When ego has been allowed to remain in the visionary state, the experience goes dark.

This is continuing education in the school of universal consciousness.

partial integration redux

Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition. I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary.

Carlos Castaneda, The Teachings of Don Juan: A Yaqui Way of Knowledge

The path you choose boils down to choice. I recently tested out my belief that once I successfully gain control over a past behaviour I should reintroduce it or revisit it for a trial period to see if I do indeed have control over it - try it as many times as you think necessary. The behaviour is a little deviant and could be destructive but it is a part of me; one of those pieces I'd hide but do have to acknowledge makes up the sum total of this entity I call myself. But therein lies the rub. Who I am is characterized by thoughts and behaviours. That seems sketchy but it is indeed the core. Who is generating the thoughts that influences behaviour? Ah that's the little man in the head, the ego. So the concept of self is a construct of ego. Memories reinforce ego though not necessarily in a defined way. Our compartmentalized brains collect memories to mimic mind at large but do so on a temporal level and further contribute to a sense of self. 

I can’t really define who I am as a separate self because I am made up of a myriad of different personalities, thoughts, delusions, and beliefs. My body shell is basic instinct and from there I take that vehicle and start attaching behaviours to it. So the resultant avatar I create is of my own doing, with help from society and the environment. It was always about choice. I attached the behaviours from a pick of many available, to a particular instinct and created a part of me I then labelled as my dark side. I created my dark side and then fretted over having a dark side. This was all aided and abetted by that voice in the head. Who I have become is by choice. We see others in the same dilemma who have made choices and built their character and we judge the construct they have come up with, which is all endlessly fascinating. We incarnate as a blank slate and cultural, instinctual, environmental, and eventually neurosis, because of previous choices and influences, shape who we are, the decisions we make, and what traits we absorb most freely. Without being exposed to an available behaviour, there's a good chance I would not have taken on that behaviour. In combination with our basic instincts it becomes easier to suggest and manipulate behaviour through exposure and an appeal to these instincts. It is the foundation of the advertising industry. The desire to create this character is a function of ego as well as the need to establish an identity - behaviour which mimics instinctual traits in humans. Through the judgment of others and ourself, we further establish a separate persona. The teenager strongly feels this within for the first time as they have by this period in their life built up a pretty solid identity and they start to pull away from the parents with a strong desire for independence. 

In terms of behaviour, as an example take a look at sexual habits. We are born with a latent sexual drive which at puberty manifests and allows for the propagation of the species. Human sexuality due to ego is quite varied. At first the sexual act is enough of a thrill on its own to engage the mind and senses. As we move through life we are exposed to more varieties of sexual behaviour and from this menu we take of what we like and want to try and at first these become fantasies. At this point they become attached to the sex drive but they are not instinctual, they are a product of the ego mind and in a way used as a method for control. If the fantasy is taboo it may become obsessional and upon completion of the act or living out the fantasy, the ego shames the human puppet it has established control over. It is very difficult to break out of this cycle at this point. The neurosis then invites you to go deeper into the behaviour. The sexual act and gratification is almost secondary, instead it has become a psychological pursuit and a need to satisfy the deviant thoughts that have been implanted within your head by the ego mind. The process repeats complete with shame and disgust but that fades within a day and then the thoughts reappear inviting you to continue the addiction. The same process is present in drug addiction. Part of what makes the sex drive operate is our desire for pleasure. Certain drugs, especially opiates, target the pleasure centres and are highly addictive and demand more and more control over the user. This leads to bizarre behaviour to satiate the addiction as well as a need to take more and more until it approaches fatalistic levels. Heroin junkies come off as extremely unhappy and desperate. 

There is something about the ego that is at its core nefarious. It maliciously works its way into our heads, gradually becoming part of you, a trusted friend, before executing almost complete control over us. It projects this behaviour onto humankind at large with a bent towards sociopathic behaviour, and a desire for power and control. If the ego cannot accomplish what it most desires it turns on us, makes us miserable and depressed with low self esteem and it turns us towards other pursuits that curtail our potential, dim our light, and close down our hearts. It acts like a parasite and will kill its host if it feels the structure and behaviour it has created is no longing serving it. I have directly experienced this while in an altered state of consciousness. I desperately wanted to change the path I was on and where I was headed and my ego, disguised as 'god' told me to stay on the path I was on even though the behaviour I was engaged in was very destructive. I was told by this very mysterious character that if I did not follow this admonition that he would cause me to commit suicide. No joke, this actually went on during a trip.

I am satisfied at this point that there really is no self. I believe we are all of the same consciousness, what I call mind at large, materially birthed from the great mother. Spirit and Soul. Children of divine parents, who when combined is the all. But I don't know about this shadowy ego thing. It is demonic, devious, deceptive, and slippery. It is controlling and parasitical and tries to come off as your best friend much like a con man. It tries to gain your trust and once that is secured leads you away from the heart and derails human potential and destiny. If life is a game, a drama, an adventure then perhaps that is why we have this ego. A game isn't fun without an opponent, a drama isn't compelling without an adversary, and an adventure isn't worthwhile without a challenge. The ego has a part to play and does it very well. It deserves accolades for its performance. The game I'm playing has seen me finally take the lead, the story is reaching the climax where I've outed the demon. He doesn't like to lose but that's the situation he now finds himself in.

Reflecting on the lack of a self and discovering that who we think we are is just a bunch of acquired behaviours interspersed with thoughts and associations we've decided to hang onto, I think it gives the eastern idea of attachment a whole new spin. To discover who you are it is taught to shed attachment. I've taken that to mean attachment to the material world, the world of forms, because this will pull us back into incarnation as you are carrying the weight of the world. But I see now that attachment also refers to the concept of self. I realized during my last trip to Peru that the last and most difficult attachment to give up is the sense of self. Breaking down the self, it seems that it is composed of a feedback loop of transient identities that like barnacles have attached themselves to an artificial edifice, a dualistic byproduct of consciousness, and I locate this construct in my head. The self is conjured by ego and then masterfully the puppeteer takes charge. We are loathe to give up the sense of self because it has been a life long endeavour that in a sense has given purpose. Forfeiting self throws into chaos meaning for our life. Shedding the attachment of self and its associated behaviours breaks this down and eventually this non attachment leads to discovery of the higher self, self really being a misnomer as the higher self is really the mind at large, the mind at large being total consciousness.

So what happens when you shed yourself of attachments, personality, identity, the self? Do you become feral? Well I think not because at this point as a human you are connected to higher consciousness as well as your soul. Wisdom, knowledge, love, compassion, creativity, ingenuity will now become second nature to you. It is no more a performance but rather a reflection of who you truly are.

partial integration

We are limiting the intellectual abstraction of mind as being nothing more than an autonomous sense of self. That line of thinking would posit the brain generates mind. In actuality, the brain generates or perhaps I should say it enables ego mind, which is a byproduct of conscious awareness or to look at it another way the flip side of mind, using a coin as a symbol of pervasive duality. Intellect and instinct are two sides of this mind coin. They are brothers, the Horus and Set of ancient Egypt. The triumph of one over the other is cyclical - you can't have a Christ without the anti-Christ. Taking another intellectual step further into the abyss of duality, the all-encompassing mind at large is splintered off and reduced into a vehicular body via compartmentalizing itself into a brain, ergo the brain is in this respect a limited mechanical model of the mind at large. Through specialized sense perception the mind operates very narrow in scope in what we call the material world, a world of low vibrational forms. At this point the mind we are familiar with in this constrained mode of awareness is faced with the prospect that it is indeed a separate entity because its true origins are concealed by the handicap of not knowing how crippled it really is perceptually. We all then suffer from this misplaced sense of self. What we don't realize is we all are of the same mind by reasoning this origin is common to all. By biologically propagating itself the mind at large diversifies and learns about its infinitely varied nature, though its offspring are tragically ignorant of their provenience. 

With this knowledge it's interesting to speculate on the ubiquitous eyes that many experience in the psychedelic trance being the eyes of mind at large examining itself from many perspectives. It is essentially what consciousness is all about - the one becoming the many in order to gain further understanding of itself. The one is aware but not from the perspective of inside its own creation, therefore wishing to be cognizant of itself from within, the mind at large's solution was the genius of what we call consciousness that presents itself in many varied forms. As an example, humans see the world with stereoscopic vision and our brains crunch this data along with other external sensory input perceived with our other senses to give us a view of the world. Well imagine this on an unimaginable scale! Total consciousness for the mind at large is the sense and knowing of the all, ongoing feedback from billions and billions of forms.

Before going further, it would be a mistake to declare this mind at large all there is, instead it is one half of the equation of oneness. What we call the godhead, totality, source, the all, and so on is the ecstatic sexual embrace of the feminine and masculine energetic polarities that when separated allow creation to flourish. Life that is flourishing begins at the cosmic orgasm, the metaphorical 'big bang' of physicists being an apt way of describing how the universe, in essence creation, came into existence. This model answers the question that as children come naturally to all upon hearing of the big bang: "But what came before the big bang?" Well junior, the feminine and masculine energies, the eternal Grandmother and Grandfather, were locked in a passionate embrace and until they separated, all remained as one. 

If we can trace everything back to the "one," then at some point we have to come to terms with what are perceived as negative influences or entities are aspects of the all as well. It is a progression in thought that eventually strikes you hard on the head. I have spent the last year trying to come to grips with ego. What is its origin? Who controls the ego? Why does it wish to exert total control over us? I returned to Peru to go through another cycle of plant medicine use to further come to an understanding of ego and to try and corral this ego by altering my consciousness and facing this slippery concept through intention. I feel I was somewhat successful in this endeavour and at one point I tried to puke it out, but it came back. I realized after one particular ceremony upon deep reflection that my dependence on the ego had affected negatively all the relationships in my life that I hold near and dear. I learned that in order to have peace of mind, you need to silence the mind thereby disabling the machinations of ego. I was shown how much choice is at play in how our lives are shaped and how we allow the ego to control how we act and react to daily situations. When I became a jaguar full of strength and power it was instrumental in showing me how mastery over our environment and self can negate the need for ego. I was also able to play the observer and see how we choose the identities we wish to cultivate and present to the outside world. This was in the form of a dressing room where different identities were available to choose from as a mask to lay over the blank slate which I had become at the time. The theme was once again choice. Ultimately, it is all choice. The ego will always remain, and we have free will and choice on how we allow it to influence us. 

Upon commencing this journey eight years ago where I was seeking my origins and answers to questions about my part in all of this, my ego has been along for the ride and being crafty has tried to stay one step ahead. To be honest though I have been searching for answers and was never actively searching for enlightenment. I happened upon enlightenment as a form of remembering - we all are enlightened, we have just forgotten that, so I have never fallen prey to the ego trap laid out for the seeker of enlightenment, but I have definitely been aware of the ego's desire to lay claim to the higher spiritual knowledge that I have attained and a push towards taking a bit of a trip based on those spiritual revelations. For the most part I have successfully shut up about it and gone on with my usual inner superior knowing which has kept the ego somewhat satisfied (if that sounds egotistical it is supposed to be - I'm not immune to ego). I eventually came to the realization that the ego is ultimately a tool of the one, who uses the ego to force us to come to terms with consciousness in order to become self-aware. In this way it can be thought of as an adversary, yes even Satan himself. It's duality at work and I want to say the divine mind as personified by the Logos/Jesus has a brother and that brother is the Devil. Both allow us individual sparks of the divine to become self-aware and that is the nature of our existence. Perhaps a meaning of life is for the mind at large as consciousness to become self-aware and to ultimately be presented with choice? It seeks knowledge of self, and this is the construct by which source has created to come to terms with all aspects of self. Humans embody the combination of the intellect and wisdom and from our interactions in our world the all comes to a realization that given the level of intellect the human creature has been given what is the probability for different actions and outcomes to occur? How separated from ultimate knowledge of origin can source divide into and still maintain a probability that the creation will operate under the auspices and guidance of love? I submit humans stand on that edge.

For example, as I write this the US 2016 Presidential elections are in full swing. The Hillary and Trump news cycle are a major example of this daily circus that presents itself to our consciousness and these distractions take you away from understanding the nature of reality and our place in it that is seemingly achieved through self-reflection with the conundrum being that everything is ultimately one but we can only grasp that reality through this illusion of being separate that we all feel. Having the ability to self-reflect and feel separate allows us to peer into the all from inside its creation with the byproduct of this ability resulting in ego. This collective ego then helps create the circus and round and round it goes.

Let me see if I can articulate this in a reasonable number of words. In order to fully understand the universe and all there is you must stand apart from it. But the whole seeking thing will reveal to you that we are all one so it is impossible to really achieve an understanding of self because you cannot separate yourself into the independent observer. However, humans have this curious ability for self-reflection where they do feel separate thanks to ego. Whether ego was given to us so we could find transcendence through being able to look upon creation in a delusory but ultimately instructive manner is quite a question to ponder! This brings up the question about whether Eastern methods of quieting the mind and transcending ego to find wholeness and inner peace is bypassing maybe the whole reason we are here in the first place and that is as a way for source to become consciously self-aware of itself. That being said, I would assert that before you can effectively use the ego as a tool for self-reflection you need to have the discipline to be able to effectively quiet the mind in order to reset the mind when the ego once again attempts to dominate your thought processes. The ego will perpetually play the adversary; however, it should never be allowed to be ruler.

At some point a wrench might be thrown into the process of breaking down self and discovering the ego and how tricky and slippery it can be. I have engaged in the discovery, acknowledgement, and suppression of aspects of myself, and this suppression allowed for a deeper understanding of self without this strong sense of distraction. I knew I had put it in a box hidden away for the time being and I came to an understanding of ego and an awareness of what it does to us. The reason I could do this was that I eliminated a major source of distraction. But I have temporarily let this dark side thing back out of the box, and it is presenting me with many questions. It is another distinct construct of my making, an "alter ego" perhaps? So, I should have pluralized who I think I really am all along. How many of these aspects of self do I have? This one is strong and well developed but I must have many more. What's my true self? Is it only the part of me I like? Is it just another in a list of who I can be? Another performer that I like to pretend is really me? It seems clear I have multiple alter egos; I'm okay with that but I have to re-evaluate things now. What do I do with this strong dark side that I can suppress but remains? Do I acknowledge it and occasionally feed it? It feels like a dangerous animal that is the flip side of the side of the me I like. It fits in with my whole concept and understanding of duality and everything having an opposite. I have as aspects of self - seeker me, shadow me, solitary me, sarcastic and cynical me, selfish me, loving and caring me. It's like a hodgepodge of transient behaviours and constructs that combine to form self. Is the answer then that self doesn't exist? That always seemed to be the existential truth behind all this seeking. We all come from the same source and are fundamentally all brothers and sisters in arms. We are all the one expressing itself in this waking dream state, this illusory hallucination that we all participate in. So, my quest to pin down my self is ultimately futile. It doesn't exist. It is just layer after layer of constructs, some which I really like so I designate that as myself and consign the parts I don't like to a deviant construct of ego that needs to be corralled and in extreme cases vanquished. Weird. So fucking strange. And the best part is that the mind at large is asking itself the same questions but on a grand scale! It has become the many in order to experience self; I am constantly testing the waters of existence by presenting different versions of myself in order to receive back data on how what I perceive as the external world will react. I liken it to peering into the foundation of our material world and peeling back layer after layer and never getting to the base material understanding of what constitutes creation. You are a cosmic onion. To try to understand yourself by peeling away layers of self, personality, and ego delusion only reveals more of the same. There are many iterations of myself, so many I can't reasonably ascertain which one is really me. The logical conclusion is there is no self; I just tell myself I'm a self in order to prevent an existential crisis. However, if I view the concept of self from a different viewpoint in that I am the product of the separation of the totality of feminine and masculine energy then I have some hope of finding an origin of wholeness. 

The ability of the one to separate into many forms suggests that the idea of multiple personalities is not a disorder or pathological behaviour of the mind but instead is what could be called a default mode. What would lead to pathology would be an inability to realize when you have donned a different hat. In my day-to-day existence, I seamlessly shift between different personalities with each one being utilized in a carefully constructed manner utilized for gain or positive outcomes concerning the self. What I propose here is that the division of the godhead into the many enables many forms of consciousness that are giving feedback which in turn describes the state of creation. What we have here is the all exhibiting multiple personalities and that ability manifests in higher forms of consciousness as well. Perhaps then my conception of ego needs to be clarified. I understand personality as projections of self that I display openly to those around me. I definitely have multiple personalities that are used depending on the situation and context. That's a given with everyone. Does ego as a construct then refer to just the side of you that makes you think in terms of being separate and is always judging others to establish a constant comparative action that reinforces the false feelings of separation and individualism? Then I'd have the idea of an ego side versus the higher self side that feels the wholeness and connection to all; these two sides being the pre-eminent example in our lives representing duality at work. So, my dark side is then not necessarily ego based. Well, I kind of know that. I realize my dark side's roots are instinctual impulses that have been allowed to become addictive and unhealthy by being mixed into a combination of hedonism and novelty. These behaviours do pull me into a spiral of selfishness so, ultimately, I do think they are aided and abetted by the ego principle. Ego is behind the aggrandizement of the dark side as it fulfills its goal of separation. A byproduct of this is distraction, these constant diversions keeping you away from any attempts at contemplation or silent meditation where you would have a fighting chance of discovering the higher self.

The self needs an internal and external observer to perpetuate the illusion. As long as you think you are a self you will be a self. The path home is through the heart. When you let go of the attachment of self then you return home. There's no self but there is what some would call a higher self or access to the mind at large that is present on our islands of ego. That seems to be the fount of intellect and conscious awareness. In my experience that seems to be masculine. Also, in my experience that I've come across multiple times is a feminine other that is love and gives me a feeling of warmth in my heart. She can be mother, lover, and intuitive wisdom. She also feels like she is a part of me. The soul is the heart, who is the mother. We talk of a soul as if it is a separate piece of us unique to each individual. The soul that we can experience is common to all as the mother. This is startling revealed when drinking Ayahuasca and encountering a feminine presence that is collectively called Mother Ayahuasca. The unveiling of the mother would reveal that she is your soul and the same lady that appears in your visions and talks to you is the same who appears to another psychic traveller. Thus, a clue into the investigation of who you really are. You are the expression of your parents, the child of the mother and father. The mother takes on many forms and the father as the spirit or mind at large intellectually engages the created form birthed by the mother to create the human which is the crowning achievement of evolution. But once again an enquiry into self will ultimately reveal we are a child of the soul and the spirit and as that child our identity is forever entwined and a direct result of that parentage and to the divine couple we shall return.

All emotions come from the heart. The mind is given free rein to create our world, but it is the heart that pays the emotional price for the mistakes and conflict the mind and its brother ego introduces into creation. When the mind gets out of control or is bypassed it slips into ego. Ego locks away the heart. The heart as the princess is imprisoned in a castle made of gold by the dragon, the dragon enabled by the selfishness of the ego. The heart - the soul - is the mother of the dualistic human mind. As such, it is supportive of mind to her detriment. When the mind slips into personal aggrandizement and turns on the mother the mother suffers yet does not unleash righteous fury upon this resultant monster.

As an aside let me just state that abstract language, and by abstract, I mean that our alphabets are disconnected from image and symbol (think hieroglyphics) and are instead just shapes that have lost meaning, is the language of the ego mind. Its roots are in the intellectual mind, but language has been absconded by the ego to reinforce the idea of nouns as concrete objects, the idea of a separate self and individualism, and is used to capture the imagination of people - the spell aspect of language is very apropos. It enabled the voice in the head to begin a non-stop drivel of communication within you. An interesting thought experiment is to pay attention to a voice that comes through to you on a loudspeaker or the radio. It feels like another ego mind vying for attention and control of your thought processes. It then becomes instructive and a necessary step to enter practices that can turn off this inner voice and allow for communication with aspects of the self that have been obfuscated by this voice.

Exploration of the mind seems like an eternal quest. Psychedelics are a catalyst for exploration but not the be all and end all nor do they provide all the answers you are searching for. They have definitely made me very curious and ready to engage higher faculties of thought and perception in order to try and grasp who I am. They have been very impressive at revealing aspects of my psyche that have been hidden away. Ego, dark sides, tricksters, the lover, the princess in the castle, the soul, the light, the divine feminine and masculine, the mother and the father. It has been post use in the integration period where insights have been quite revealing and rewarding. The symbolic and metaphorical language of the psyche creates riddles and puzzles to be ruminated on and starts the process of introspection and the search for answers. It is a very rewarding experience. I'd say that the primary reason why when I am using them, I feel like I am done with them for a long time is because they can be upsetting and very challenging. But then upon returning home and to a sense of normalcy you start to process and integrate the experiences and it is so fascinating, rewarding, and insightful that you get the pull and requisite courage to go through the entire process again. I really appreciate a place like SpiritQuest in that regard because it has structure, it considers it work, is non-judgmental, and it is supportive of the undertaking. It is also valuable because it takes an effort and commitment to make the trip to Peru. If I were to obtain psychedelics closer to home and use them on a regular basis, I don't think I would get the same benefit out of the process. They would become habitual and recreational with none of the insights that draw me towards them, and I would lose interest. 

I’m sure I will add to this in the future.

mind games

Sometimes, looking at a problem from a different perspective can be quite illuminating. For instance, there is the idea that the brain generates the consciousness within our body and as a result we have a mind. How about the opposite? Our mind has a body and the brain within that body is generating our particular conscious reality. To ponder that is quite an eye opener and it is an invitation to think even more deeply about the implications. Ultimately, it's an institutional way of thinking about this situation and that would leave out any intuitive or spiritual aspects of what constitutes occluded reality. When I was presented with the idea of the mind having a body, it appealed to me because during altered states of consciousness experienced I have either viewed myself in the third person or was aware of my presence as light in the vision. This is a concept where this "mind" has an avatar, which is the body, and much like in a video game, the mind can control the actions of the player. The brain of the avatar acts as a reducing valve that limits the consciousness expression within the life form, allowing and limiting the avatar to acting on what it can perceive. As many have noted with psychedelics, especially Aldous Huxley in his book The Doors of Perception, these reducing filters are bypassed and one becomes conscious of much more than had been previously experienced.

Consequently, the avatar can become more aware of the environment it is in. Why would this mode of exploration of consciousness originally have been made available to the avatar to discover? Well, combining what I have learned with this new way of thinking I have my own ideas.

The "mind" in question controlling the avatar is what I would describe as the mind's reduction into consciousness now being the combination of the right and left half of the brain. To further elucidate what I mean, it has to do with what I call the soul or heart space which is the right hemisphere of the brain in addition to the analytical and no-nonsense left half. Furthermore, I have been able to separate my modes of cognition into what I call the ego-mind and the heart space. The left brained ego-mind is very judgmental and competitive. It is interested in establishing a separate identity and it views the self as autonomous. Conversely, when taking in life through the heart space we feel very connected. We can experience a deep feeling of love for oneself and each other and we wish to help one another. So, in essence, a byproduct of the brain acting as a reducing filter which has divided cognition into two halves, is the production of an autonomous entity called an ego which is created by an over reliance on the critical left-brained thinking. The ego has in turn usurped local control of the avatar by shunting the right half aside. The ego consequently becomes prey to malevolent forces within its psychic sphere. The malevolent forces within culture then use the ego to control the avatar and along with that control the attached soul is essentially buried. The ego-mind has done such a good job at obscuring the heart space that we have pretty much forgotten our true origins. There are faint echoes of the heart when we peer back into history or if we are very perceptive we can see it in our mythology and fairy tales. Echoes in history do remain of this lost nature of ourselves in our religious stories.

The abduction and rescue of Helen of Troy in the Iliad.
Persephone and her descent into Hades, from which she returns to life.
The descent of Orpheus into the underworld to rescue his wife, Eurydice.
The return of Odysseus to his kingdom, Ithaca, to reclaim his wife, Penelope in the Odyssey.
The rescue of Andromeda by Perseus.
Sleeping Beauty and her need to be wakened by Prince Charming.
Cinderella being the treasure hidden away waiting to be discovered.
Rapunzel trapped in the castle and discovered by a prince.
Ishtar's descent to the Underworld in the Epic of Gilgamesh.
St. George's slaying of the Dragon to rescue the Princess.
The rescue of the kidnapped Sita by her husband, the god-king Rama, with the help of Hanuman in the Ramayana.
Dorothy and her longing to return home in the Wizard of Oz.

Our prized left-brained way of analytical thinking has further alienated any chance of recovering the lost piece of who we completely are. The pinnacle of intellectual inquiry is now firmly materialistic. The soul is the fount of wisdom to which we need to reconnect. It's the imperishable "mind" which lies dormant within all of us.

Taking this further is the idea of all of consciousness being a "mind at large" - a sum total of everything. Through the use of psychedelics, you can enter into a conversation with such an entity who seems distinct from your conscious self. I believe this is where in some cultures the phenomenon has been interpreted as being the spirit of the substance used to enter into this state. Examples would be the Aztecs use of psilocybin mushrooms known as "Teonanácatl" which means god mushroom. Also popular psychonaut Terence McKenna in his lectures would refer to the mushroom speaking to him during his altered state and there are the numerous examples in history of the veneration of the mushroom. To me, this mind at large is the Logos, the spirit, the Christ who is the origin of all knowledge and understanding. This access to spirit is also continually under attack. This is the attack on the divine masculine which is found in traditions throughout the world.

Osiris' dismemberment at the hands of Set.
Dionysos ripped apart by the Titans.
Jesus Christ's crucifixion by the collaboration of the Jews and Romans.
Abel's slaying by his brother Cain in Genesis.
The yearly ritual slaughter and holocaust perpetrated on the lamb in the Torah.

By now you may see where I am going with this - the sleeping soul, Wisdom, must awaken and reconnect with the Knowledge found at the feet of the master, who is the Logos. It's the heavenly sacred marriage of Sophia and the Christos or the earthy conjugation of Mary Magdalene and Jesus Christ. The placement upon the earth and the intent for the use of psychedelics is a bridge to lead us back to this union if we use them wisely.

good vibrations

As my first ayahuasca ceremony was coming to an end, I recall being told over and over again by the Goddess that all is vibration. In order to traverse different planes of consciousness the soul changes its frequency and then enters into a different realm; a higher or lower plane. The first experience with this psychic traveling was a sensation of being lifted higher up. My index finger tapped uncontrollably at times against the wooden floor of the Maloca and I also physically felt a sensation of re-entering into my body at one point which made me nauseous. Up until then I was able to resist the purgative effects of the ayahuasca brew; however, upon re-entry after my first trip I had to use the vomit bucket.

Subsequently, while back at home in my mundane existence, I have experienced two episodes of a mystical nature which were preceded by an uncontrollable vibration in my arms and a fluttering of my closed eyes. The first episode occurred in a lucid dreamlike state where I was fully aware I was dreaming but just went with it. I started seeing visual hallucinations of geometrical patterns appearing in my vision which increased in speed until there was a climax that exploded into a great white light. This occurred after about a month and a half after returning from the Amazon jungle where I first had altered my frequency. The second episode occurred about two and a half months after returning. I had been informed that the effects of ayahuasca may remain in my system for a few months and I have been cognizant of her presence. This next mystical experience occurred while I was meditating. I had been burning incense that night, a mixture of frankincense and myrrh and at first had spent a great deal of time enchanted by the smoke coming from the incense stick. The smoke had this magical pull to it; it danced and twirled; it had this amazing depth to it; and it would come towards me to caress me while performing its undulating rhythms which were movements so graceful that the fragrant smoke came alive. The ever changing nature of this delightful spectacle was a message straight to my subconscious. I eventually settled back and tried to quiet my mind. At some point when your mind becomes still it is almost like a switch that goes off and you enter into another realm. As I traversed this realm of consciousness, I was seeing scenes that seemed real though I was just observing. My mind then sensed a vibration which manifested as purple and I repeated this in my head, breaking the stillness of my mind. My right arm started to vibrate followed by my eyes fluttering. An explosion of indigo burst into my vision with this wild undulating dark hair in the background accompanying it. I got chills all throughout my body as this lasted for about thirty seconds. I innately knew the vibration was the Goddess. As this journey ended, I picked myself up out of my chair and breathed in some of the still smouldering incense. That moment felt so good and I felt so reassured. As well to this day, about three months after returning from the jungle, I still have a level of hearing that has been greatly enhanced. I am hypersensitive to bodily noises such as heavy breathing, sighing, throat clearing, coughing, and sniffling. In part, the heightened senses make me cognizant of our sometimes disgusting and profane existence here on earth. This effect however does not occur with my own bodily functions. I do notice that anything that has a reverberation or echoing quality to it is also greatly enhanced. I believe it is my awareness of different frequencies that has led to this condition.

I mention the above stories because it has led me to think hard about vibration and frequency. My contact and entering into different realms of consciousness is accompanied by vibration. Everything that is alive has a frequency. Existence can be properly thought of as a verb. All is vibration and of the same source. A noun is a classification that helps us make sense of our surroundings. It is a base point in an ever changing environment but its existence is seriously in doubt. We come into being, grow and change, and then when we stop growing, and our cells stop regenerating and dividing, we die. In ancient Egypt the symbol of the becoming is the scarab.

Kheper

The beetle is symbolizing the journey in this mundane existence to the east in order to be re-born at dawn out of matter, much like the nightly cyclical journey of the sun. It is the path our souls long to take if we can avoid the trappings of the world and reconcile with our material incarnation. In the Old Testament this becoming is called hayah in Hebrew. Hayah is a word used to describe the sojourning of the patriarchs who are great archetypes of the soul. In Exodus 3:14 the Elohim say to Moses, in response to Moses asking who should he tell the Israelites sent him, that I AM sent you. I AM is from hayah. It is this principle of coming into being that is providing the impetus for the soul's journey. Look around you at everything that is alive and forever changing. Nouns are dead things; an invitation to decay. The snake in ancient Egypt called Apep (Apophis in Greek) wants to stop Re's sun boat because that will put an end to creation and thus the change. Re has to go so far as to enlist the help of the strong and beastly Set to keep this encroaching serpent at bay. 

Set battles Apep on Re's sun boat

Set is more commonly known in ancient Egypt mythology as an impediment to the journey of the re- born soul, the light mythicized as Horus. The fighting between these two entities goes on for generations and the tale is told in the great story of The Contendings of Horus and Set. Set is the masculine life force needed by the soul in this material incarnation which enables the soul to continue on in the journey. When you understand this you can then see this story not only encoded in biblical scripture but is frankly the tale being told in the Pentateuch. The life force comes forth as the beastly red man and antagonist who is Cain, Ishmael, Esau, the profane Canaanites, Pharaoh etc., while the soul on the journey into and out of matter is Abel, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, the Israelites etc. The brothers fight, yet they do reconcile, and all are marching ahead to the east.

So, if everything living is vibrating and gives off a frequency signature then our senses are in reality specialized instruments which can pick up on these vibrations. My eyes perceive a flower but cannot smell it; that is a function dutifully performed by the nose. But what about something like a musical note? It has a frequency and I can hear it but I can't see or smell it; but I think I should be able to. D-minor should have a distinctive smell and a colour assigned to it. It does generate a feeling of sadness. All things that stop vibrating and die take on a putrid, rotting smell, are sonically inactive, and look terrible! Is it a limitation of my senses that I can't smell a musical note; in essence it is out of the frequency range of that sense? Or are objects tagged with an expression, a mystical hashtag#, that only allows for us to experience it in a controlled way? Aldous Huxley touched on this in "The Doors of Perception" when he claimed that there exists within us a filter that prevents us from being overloaded by our senses and allows us to function in this realm:

“each person is at each moment capable of remembering all that has ever happened to him and perceiving everything that is happening everywhere in the universe. The function of the brain and nervous system is to protect us from being overwhelmed and confused by this mass of largely useless and irrelevant knowledge, by shutting out most of what we should otherwise perceive or remember at any moment, and leaving only that very small and special selection which is likely to be practically useful. According to such a theory, each one of us is potentially Mind at Large”.

It seems this filter is such a reducing logic construct that divides and classifies. A functioning nouning tendency for survival. How we love to classify things and put them into a neat little box! It is psychoactive substances that seem to release us from this restriction and we can see music, we can smell beauty, and we can hear the sounds of the spheres.