my story

The light and high feeling is freedom.

Different mind states.

This mind is eternal and what you seek.

That's the answer to the spiritual question in terms of eternal life.

You are looking for this mind.

Not the ego mind as the body will perish.

How does this mind live on forever?

It's whatever you want.

You're the writer.

The writer gave himself eternal life in this story and fucked over everyone else?

Yes.

What?

However, I will choose who to take with me.

Shouldn't everyone be looking for a ride from me to eternal life?

It's a new power.

Before they thought you might know but weren't sharing.

Now, you aren't hiding it.

This is the secret to eternal life.

The writer will live on and in the next book he decides what characters to take with him.

How about that Hitler character?

Is he recurring?

Yeah.

Even in the current story people always bring it up.

The audience likes it.

I had to wait until I used that character in this story.

I don't want to overdo the joke.

So, you think Hitler is funny?

Sort of.

It's a theme throughout all my stories.

You are going to take Hitler into the next world.

Yeah.

In the dog world he will be a terrible dog owner, and all bad owners will be called Hitlers.

That works.

The writer will write a story about the writer and his 7 worlds.

Plus, how he wakes up in his own story.

All the adventures.

Your part of the story is when he wakes up and realizes who he is.

Then there is the struggle between Paul's ego and the writer's mind who is eternal.

Paul will try to convince the writer to take him along to his next story.

Paul's the only one in all myriads of life forms who could wake him up.

Paul's the alarm clock character.

Here comes the rooster.

You know he ain't going to die.

That's prophetic.

That one will live on like Hitler.

For sure.

So, there's Paul and Hitler in the next world.

Yes, so far.

I still must write the rest.

I have a good idea who is coming.

My 2 dogs for sure.

You had to give up your power as the ego mind to your darkness and trust you'd get it back.

That unlocks eternal life.

Level completed!

When does this end?

It doesn't.

Eternal life is good.

Yeah, a gold medal.

It's like getting a medal in fantasy sports for social commentary.

You're not even celebrating unlocking eternal life.

It's no big deal.

You find out you're an actor in the writer's play, however you can also figure out you are the writer.

There can be only one writer.

One Paul as well.

True.

You're one of a kind.

Paul is going to be bigger than Jesus.

That's an accomplishment.

Plus, you get to meet Hitler in the next story.

Right, because Paul is unique to this story and so he wouldn't have been around for all the previous incarnations of Hitler.

So, Paul gets a part in the next world.

Yes.

That's why it's about dogs.

You didn't think for 15 billion years you were literally going to watch a blind dog try to catch frogs in a pond?

I thought about it.

Weird and cute.

There will be a special place for dogs in the next story.

The way people think they ask for eternal life is from God, but God doesn't grant it.

It's the writer.

Paul never asked for it even when they sent him to church.

People go to church to ask for eternal life.

Why did you go?

I was pressured and then I played sports with them.

You never asked for eternal life from the church?

No, I didn't care.

I liked the Revelation story obviously.

That's because you have the writer in you.

Yeah, we are the closest.

I'd say Paul is actually you.

Could be.

Or it's Paul trying to fool the writer into taking him along.

Paul should be a fool.

Not only that, but he'd see through God, get to the writer, and then in his last act of true splendour he tries to fool the writer.

The writer acknowledges his greatness and fearlessness because he tries to fool the ultimate fool.

Well done.

Paul now knows about the mind that lives on forever.

Paul can go at any time.

Some in the audience want him gone.

I noticed.

He can go because he answered the eternal life question.

What's left?

There's always more.

You have all the answers you need.

Plus, I know not to choose.

I'm quite interesting if you get to know me.

This Paul is mostly in his mind, so he isn't a bother.

Paul is always figuring out the secrets to the universe.

He wants to keep exploring and extending this game.

The more he knows, the more he will bring into the next universe in his starring role as God.

Oh, nice.

Paul is God in the next universe.

Yes, he earned it.

Not only that, but he gets to pick the Goddess.

That's how much trust Paul has from the writer.

Are you sure?

He is a degenerate.

So am I.

It's okay.

He's an honourable degenerate and he has a good heart just like me.

The writer creates characters and then the actors ask for eternal life.

The writer takes the best, good or bad.

You try to act in 7 dramas at once to win the master of the drama prize.

Named of course after the great writer.

You'll never lose consciousness because you're the writer.

Paul will become God.

The writer is the other mind of God.

The game continues.

So, Paul gets the part of God.

How much does it pay?

Shouldn't he blow up?

Not if he keeps to himself.

You can be distant and an asshole, but I'm looking forward to what you bring to the role.

There is only one who is guaranteed eternal life in this story.

Yes, the writer.

He is needed.

It seems obvious if this is a story.

There can be only one writer.

Well, he can let others write some stuff.

You get to the mind state of the writer, and it dawns on you that you are eternal.

You see how he can make some of his characters eternal and some of the actors eternal.

I don't think any actors have been granted eternal life.

Jesus was sure he'd be back, but no one has seen him as of yet.

Well, he did the tomb trick.

Yeah, that was good.

How did he do it?

He made a deal with the writer.

He must have received a promise or something, why else would he say he is returning?

He's a narcissist and was deluded into thinking he'd be resurrected again.

The deal was one time, but he doesn't think that counts because it is part of the story, and he ascended to heaven and didn't stay.

He didn't specify he wanted to remain on earth.

He doesn't agree and says he should be back.

He's currently suing the writer.

Jesus is suing the writer of the story for breach of contract.

Who is the judge?

The audience is the jury.

They must reach everyone in the audience for their vote.

Everyone has to cast a vote for or against Jesus.

Well, Paul is coming back and this time playing God.

It's not only the character he played last time that is being resurrected but also that character takes on the role of God.

It will be the mediocre and flawed character of Paul becoming God.

That's a bad choice for God.

It's going to be a worse outcome than this last guy you got to play God.

I don't know, give him a chance.

He has some unorthodox views on dogs and the power of doing nothing.

It could be a good story.

Anyway, Paul has hit the trifecta.

King of the triple eternal life game.

He's the writer in disguise so he was already eternal.

His character of Paul will continue in the next story.

And as the actor, he will reprise that role of Paul and become God.

Only he can do it.

Clearly.

Are you sure this writer is not the Devil and tricking Paul?

The recurring Hitler character is a dead giveaway the writer is demented.

The writer is demented, and the Devil is one of his recurring characters.

You'll never get away from the Devil as long as you are in the writer's game.

By game, it is a story.

If this is madness, it is pretty cool.

Yeah, just shut up about it and it will be a constant source of amusement.

If you start talking about this then you'll send your strangeness quota through the roof.

That's good advice.

I'm good at keeping things to myself.

Yes, you are a mystery and deceitful.

Two excellent character traits as far as I'm concerned and since I'm the writer it's a winning combination.

Hey, I can see some exposure fantasies in this where you are outed as God.

Or thinking you're him.

Well, you haven't got the part yet; it's the next story.

So, keep it to yourself or all the other players will get pissed at you for not telling them.

I already wrote about getting to God.

Yes, but you wrote it in a dismissive way so the other contestants will think you are full of it.

That's true, the comments are in that tone.

Some thought you were a prick for believing that.

I've toned it down.

I can smile in knowing condescension towards others.

That will be satisfying enough.

out of my mind

You are an ego-tripped Eros who is an ego-tripped Apollo when you need to impress others.
Around others I was mostly ego-tripped Apollo.
Did you ever ego trip Dionysos?
Yeah.
A lot of times with my writing.
He is a dangerous combination with Eros.
People love your writing.
Yeah, whatever, nobody reads it.
If you go on an ego trip you will eventually blow up.
Yes, just like God.
Are they the same?
Kind of, if you think you are the greatest then it's a God trip.
It's what you did.
After Peru, you did that.
Yes, but I kept it mostly quiet.
People can't accept or handle it.
I had to go do it on my own.
Chavín and the god in the labyrinth is the template to follow.
It's the secret of how I got to God without blowing up.
It's a mind maze and you find God in it.
Or the minotaur, who is Dionysos.
I'm connecting God with Dionysos and you the writer.
You could call me a scribe.
Son of Thoth.
Pharaoh connections.
Thothmoses.
The pen and Akh symbolism for fans of ancient Egypt.

I see the purpose of paranoia and surveillance when using mind-altering substances.
The thoughts will keep you grounded if you integrate them.
Your inhibitions are relaxed, and you start to do things which come naturally to you, but they also contravene the expectations of culture and society.
This leads to thinking they are watching you.
The net result is you modify your behaviour so you continue to fit in.
This is a way towards the balance your entity is always seeking.
If you remain in society, your being will find a way towards reconciliation which is balancing your behaviour to fit in.
These attributes are behaviour modification tools that you are employing and using the actions of others to reach this state.
By becoming off-balance, you trigger a response in others which leads you to get balanced.
If you do not balance, then you see how that leads you towards what is described as being crazy.

I do feel a little lost in my mind this morning.
I think it's a result of navigating between the two worlds.
There are three.
Sleep, awake, and awakened.
The alarm went off and you were in a dream and switched on awake mode.
Now, you are vacillating between having to function for work and in your awakened state.
That's all this is.
It felt like I was losing my mind.
Yes, it will feel that way.
I had to take a big shit to get my bearings.
Good plan to return to the profane.
There's a need to ground yourself when you wake up.
It will be difficult to get out of bed and switch on work mode.
You are being taught mind states and different realities; this is part of the curriculum.
In essence, you are losing your mind because you can go in and out of it.
You'll get used to it and become disciplined in how you do it.
The problem for most people is they panic and get lost in the alternative reality then they go see a therapist to bring them back.
What are you going to do?
Nothing.
Well, in combination with the nothing is to let my inner resources handle the switching.
If I try and do something, I'll just fuck it up.
That I have learned from experience.

Between two worlds in the forest.
The ego doesn't like the darkness.
You're a special case.
Nutter.

The ego creates external gods to give you what you want.
It works both ways.
They keep you off the trail of figuring out who you are.
Ganesha is a god you can invoke.
He's real.
Yeah, but your mind as ego created him.
The ego created all the religions.
Okay, I see.
The ego can create psychic entities to fool you.
Well, get you off the path.

You get to God, and you don't realize what you've done.
You think it's time to go, or you blow up.
You don't realize what it means.
What does it mean?
You see who you are.
And?
The four and this other reality.
You're not supposed to see that until your deathbed, and you shed the ego.
You see reality and walk towards it.
The light?
Yeah.
You know this world isn't real.
It is.
It's distorted.
We are all playing a game in a funhouse of distortions.
If we all knew the truth we wouldn't play.
Why?
It's the four of us.
We know each other very well.
We create this world so we can play.
Why the suffering?
Balance.
There's room for a whole lot of kindness in this world.

I think there's 3 voices and not 4.
Why?
Because Dionysos and Apollo are two halves of the same coin.
As a man you can intuit the split.
The Goddess is two as well however you assign her one.
You know she's also a witch.
Eros can be either sex.
There's 3 and you can see 4.
Got it.
There's 6 when you see both.
Plus, Eros is with them all.
Eros is with the four.
So, there's 8?
I'm not sure.
Eros is 4?
No, 2.

The writer causes the distortions which create this reality.
He's twisted.
He twists the 3 main characters into a bunch of stories.
You're in a story.
That's what the ego is creating.
Your story.
Part of my story is seeing how it works.
Without the stories, you see it's all you.
Well, the 3 of us.
The 3 and 1.
And 3.

This reality of ego is a veil.
The four are melded into one.
Eros is strong.
Then family and society get added in.
The ego is strong over you but mostly a puppet to others.
How you view reality is through the ego so you can see how it's distorted.
Without the ego you see how it is.
So, what's better?
Shouldn't I chuck the ego?
No, because this reality you are in most of the time is the ego reality.
It's the Matrix.
Of course.
Shed the ego and see how it is.
Put it back on and see something different.

Dissolve the ego and talk to plants.
The deer waits for me.
Deer stared at me.
What a magical world.
I can't be around other humans, or they ruin this.
They ruin the magical world.
Animals live in the magical world until you domesticate them.
The ego domesticates the human.
Civilization is the ego's project.
The ego calls on others to bring you back.
They don't know why they don't like you going into the woods alone.
They say you need a dog.
The dog keeps you from dissolution.
Luna helped with the gradual process when you started with Mary Jayne.
She left when you were ready.
You still dissolve the ego a bit with the dog around, but it's not like having a human around.
They prevent it.
I have no dog.
You can now get far on the dissolution.
What keeps me from ego death?
This phone.
You need a phone.
Writing keeps you around.
I must write.
You see, it's time to go when you figure out the game.
Writing about it keeps you here.
As long as you write, you will stay around.

Why didn't I realize what I was doing before?
I was clearly dissolving my ego.
You did it gradually.
It's the best way to do it without a catastrophic ending.
You get used to it and then you can let it go at will.
The ego is an extreme and you juggle it to the point you see what's going on.
It leads to balance, but you don't want the other extreme.
Well, that's death.
That's unavoidable.
Is it?
What you do is you bring half and half into bodily death then you can carry this character into the next dreamworld.
If you don't, you lose your character, and the four are born a blank slate.
You bring both.
Don't choose one.
Always keep the ego around and decide how much ego you want to bring with you to the next life.
How much mystery.
I think I brought about 30%.
I could juggle it.
That 30% can take over.
The ego is strong because it relies on others.
I see that.
That's how the ego makes up for its weakness.

When people die, they see the 4.
How does that work?
They get a small hit of eternal life, and the ego dominates the next world.
Doesn't it know who it is?
No, you must know about eternal life for that to happen.
No one knows, so the ego is another blank slate and so powerful.
It is.
I thought it was me.
It is my character.
I need to balance my character with who I am.
I THINK I'M DOING THAT.
Stop shouting.
It wasn't me.
If you do Huachuma again, go off by yourself.
Can't do that with Ayahuasca.
If you stay around people, some will try to put a spell on you.
Play with magic and you get burned.
I didn't cast the spell.
I wrote the story after they gave me the idea.
Spells are stories.
There's always more.
There are always more stories.

Huachuma mouth gives you a physical clue of how far you've gone.
You see people take too much of a mind altering chemical at once and they face the dissolution of the ego.
If they go too far, it's death.
Without the breath, you can get there.
Some people know it, but the risks are great.
Then they search for a way to get back to the magical place.
It's a high.
If you don't do it gradually it will make you addicted.
The rush you aren't used to, and you want it again.
You made it hard to get high for yourself and then you did it gradually.
You knew to take a mild to moderate dose to get the teachings which lead you to this place.
It's cool here.
People microdose hoping to get here.
They can't function every day doing a bigger dose, so they try a continuous small one.
I did a good dose I could handle daily and didn't go too far out.

The feeling of being watched keeps you here.
You're in your mind and you leave methods to get back home.
Literally and figuratively.
The lights are pentagrams.
It's what the witches see.
You see what the witches see in the Akhet.
They use the dawn and setting sun to do their magic.
It's Venus.
I know her.
They are encircling you.
Yes, that's their natural behaviour.
Draw a pentagram and circle you.
That's pretty much it.
Your squinty eyes help you see the light.
You mean the pentagram.
You're high.
They are east and west.
A lot in the north.
Nothing in the south.
That's my magic and why they can't close the circle on you.
You even worked up to this reveal.
Gradually into the dark and then you picked Halloween because you knew the witches were busy tonight.
That's funny.
So, it is the witches' story?
Both.
Right.
You did both.
You even have witches reminding you of both.
Two favourite stories.
You have others.
You can play those.

Why are you still here?
I'm writing about it.
If I wasn't around, no one would write about this.
It's the secret sauce.
Plus, I'm no saint.
I play the part sometimes, but I'm quite fucked up.
If you knew what went on in my head, you'd think I'm beyond repair.
So, you aren't going anywhere?
I feel no need.
I'm going to enjoy the show.
I've got a magic show going on in the woods.
I've got this never ending trip and my ticket to ride is still valid.
Some say it's expired.
Why would I believe them?
I will put my trust in myself.

Make it so your ego wants it, and you'll get there.
I'm referring to ego dissolution.
The game with my ego became a quest to be the one who could do it.
That challenge was too much for the ego to pass up because I am a narcissist at heart who wants to prove they are the best.
I used my ego against my ego to get to a place of ego dissolution.
My ego is aware of this and wants to continue.
There's a trust I will come back to the ego.
I still have resistance.
It's the formula.
You give the ego what it wants.
It wants to be the greatest.

Stories are ego based.
The ego is who you are in this reality.
Alan Watts said the ego would go up a level with you.
You have a different ego on every level.
It goes up with you.
So, if you dissolve it as you go up then it's more you.
Yes, whoever you are.
The three or four.

Alcohol dissolves the ego, but you don't get too far with it.
If you get addicted, it will kill you.
So, you're saying dissolving the ego will kill you?
Yes, you already were taught that lesson.
What did you learn?
Don't go all in.
Precisely.
Going full on into ego death is the end.
What about alcohol?
It gives you a strong warning and if you persist it will lay waste to you.
It ruins you and that is the death of your ego.
You become a shell of who you once were and then you are done.
What about MJ?
She will stone and make you worthless.
A stoner.
A stoner is an outcast in society.
Nobody will hire you or trust you with anything.
They will have a laugh at your expense.
You must find fellow stoners to hang with.
Same with alcohol.
You find drinking friends who understand the need.
Are you a stoner?
No, I'm in the zone.
See, you are taught MJ will stone you and that's what people want.
You don't want that.
That's a one way ticket to your exit forcefully from polite society.
The game is over.
Remember you need an ego to play the game.
Where does my path with MJ lead?
A similar place.
You will discard the ego with MJ.
You will get so high, you can't come down.
What is the solution?
What you are doing is the solution.
Discipline yourself and know what you can handle.
Respect the dose that gets you to the teachers and work within the container.
To become a successful juggler takes hard work.
You aren't born with that skill.
You practice and by failures you learn how to juggle in the big game.

The ego is the actor, and he is going for the best actor award.
Most can't handle a loss of ego.
Their character ends.
Your ego is playing the part of no ego.
That's your role and how you stick around.
Plus, writing.
You play a role where you can drop the ego and play the 4.
Now that you know the ego game, you balance it.
Don't end it though.
That's curtains.
The lust drug game as well.
Feed them a little bit.
All the drugs can teach.
Some teachers suck though.
You were teaching with lust.
Such a horrible reaction to you.
Addiction.
Get out.
I don't want to see you.
Why are you bothering me?
It's lust combined with Dionysos.
It's magic.

consequential game of chance

It's ridiculously obvious for me to say life is about making choices. We are constantly presented with scenarios where we must decide and at times these choices can be seriously life-altering. When faced with hard choices my default go to is to let others make the decision for me if it is to cause major waves. I've boiled this behaviour down to a psychological trick I've used my whole life that I stumbled onto early in my youth. I realized at some point that if I became a people pleaser and did what others wanted of me, I would get far in life and be able to convert it into capital which I could use to get what I wanted. It boils down to this: I can manipulate others to my advantage if I give them what they want out of me. It's transactional, and so far in life it has worked.

The hard part is when you hit a fork in the road in which no matter what you do to please, it is going to cause the other party to be upset or suffer. I have landed on that doorstep a few times in my life. Your reputation and life-long process of looking like a superior mortal in their eyes is to come crashing down. You can only hide for so long. Living with someone will reveal the other side, it's hard to keep that concealed. The game is a central part of the identity you build in your human career. I've played the game long enough to also see the result of inaction. If you don't choose, the choice will be made for you, and you will be stuck with the consequences. When others make the decision, you spare yourself the label of bad guy and the subsequent Karma. I've seen it play out before and the disappointment I have been able to move on from after compartmentalizing the hurt. Eventually, the time would come when I'm not sure I could get over the loss of something I wanted, had, and then lost because I couldn't be true to myself, make a personal choice, and deal with the fall-out.

I’ve noticed I can get what I want, but then a new set of variables is unleashed. I want this. I get it, and then come the unintended consequences. What is the better play of the two? To just let things be as they are? You also don't know the future of that action. We are always desiring and chasing what we want. The difference for the wizard is they get what what they want. We are all in the same boat; some can fulfill their desires while others are left on shore with desires unfulfilled. Outcomes are always going to be a wild card.

My desire is to eat healthy. The consequences are I live longer and consume more resources, taking away from the less fortunate. The effect on the scale of plenty is negligible but imagine a bunch of First World inhabitants such as us all desiring this. The effect is pronounced and for every gain is a loss. Who suffers? The poor. They go even more without the necessities. I'm trying to illustrate all actions have consequences. Nothing is exempt from this and though I have noticed acquiring power and getting what I want leaves a wake of unintended consequences, there were always going to be consequences to not getting what I wanted. We are in a consequential game of chance.

Life is full of constant challenges. If I mapped out an adventure to have, called life, surely, I'd want to eventually experience crossroads. I love the challenge that is presented to me. I don't love having to let go of the people pleasing default mode and see my identity and reputation get kicked to the curb. Deep down I know all is reconciled and you can only ride that edge for so long. Eventually, the spark to ignite a fuse would present itself and one time I wouldn't blow it out or allow it to flame out. Let's see what happens when it burns. The detonation I have avoided and, in this adventure, maybe it should blow and then I can take notes.

We all know Medusa, or else we wouldn't be here. We are good at not looking her in the eyes like we were told. In my contrarian life, of course the time would come when I'd seek her out and stare into her eyes. What secret is being kept from me? Tantra teaches the way out of your predicament is to head straight into the storm and go through the eye of the hurricane. If I were going to lead by example and show you the way, what would be my method? I'd use the stone to find freedom. Embrace it. I would plunge headfirst into the abyss and break through to the other side because I'm the stone. I would subconsciously demonstrate the way out of your prison cell once you have been released from your sentence. The jailer exclaims, "You can go," and yet we hang around and decide to become of service in the prison. Somebody must remind us that it's okay to leave prison. Turn me to stone and I'll use the solid rock to smash the four walls that imprison me.

Earth is a finishing school for wayward spirits and the best teachers of our purification are dead. They are telling us it's okay to leave when you get the message. We cling to our prison cells, embracing the comfort that comes from knowing this is your reality, while denying you fear the unknown. The spiritual teacher still with us is subject to the flesh, so we can use this against them. We can examine their life and find a reason they aren't ultra-holy. This way we can avoid the difficult path ahead which we face. They couldn’t do it, so why should I be any different?

If you figure out the game and are free to leave, would you? It's a choice. Duality presents choices. You can stay and be of service. A teacher. Someone who wakes others up. Wouldn't you want to balance that out? Why play the holy card all the time? If you knew the secret, wouldn't you want to play? Why the hurry to leave? Is there a time limit? I don't think so. I have examples to look towards. My friend Parker left because what he was chasing had already left. I have balanced the equation. Some of my friends have left and are waiting for me. I still feel the pull of this incarnation. If life gets you down, find purpose. That's the key. When you no longer feel wanted or needed in this world then the scales tip and you can jump with conviction.

You can also leave to escape the coming retribution and trashing of your reputation. It's still going to happen, and the coward runs from it. It's a game, and I'm proud of my fifty-six years. Fuck man, I have juggled this one like a pro. I haven't dropped the ball yet and I keep making it harder. If I believe in myself, I'll make it a great story.

The reveal of my character is freeing. I don’t have to pretend anymore. I don’t have to bury my nature in the depths no more. Kill yourself in order to live, indeed.

just a little peak

Going to sleep every night is reaffirming the hypnotic spell you are under. You are put to sleep through hypnosis, and you are awakened through hypnosis. You are mentally put to sleep during physical wake periods. During physical sleep periods the mind is unleashed. The spiritual awakening is figuring out how to mentally awaken while physically awake. This is the challenge. The process takes a while and if successful results in maybe you are sitting at a computer and writing it down. When you start to awaken there are others who will try to put you back to sleep. They can be tricksters who are challenging you or they just want to keep this domain all for themselves. I'll give them a shoutout, you know who you are. For the man, mastering the awakening in the physical realm is how you go to God. Your life may fall apart around you, however the fruit is there for you to pick.

The opposite is possible where physically you go to sleep and mentally you go to sleep at the same time. A way to describe this is you stop dreaming. This is the domain of the dead atheist. You have no beliefs, and you stop dreaming. It's over. Sounds bad, right? It could be as if it's annihilation of your character. Alternatively, you embrace non-dualism and return to the all.

You see, dualism is all about dreaming and stories. Keep the story alive and you will live forever. We all love stories. What if you tire of the story? The divine playwright makes them fresh and new, so you don't tire of them. He wants to entertain you. He is the great hypnotist. Can the great hypnotist hypnotize himself? So far, no. I can only get so far before admitting it is a spell. I'll let it go for a bit, but I always snap out of it.

What's the endgame?

There is none. I won't make a choice. My lack of decision making ensures the perpetuity of existence. By not making a choice, I'll choose both. My story will continue when my current character ends. I'll honour my word and words and see those I want to see in the next world I create with my words. I won't create Karma I can't recover from by forcing anything. I read the Tao Te Ching over ten years ago and I knew it was the greatest book I had ever read though I didn't really know why. I just said it was. Lao Tzu revealed the strategy to win the game. There's no stopping me. I am going to win by doing nothing.

flow

At the heart of what just is, is vibration. The great vibration in the sky creates all. From one perspective it is everything. Change viewpoints and the vibration becomes the many. As a singularity, it just is. From this comes the two extremes. Goddess and God. Dark and Light. Death and Life. Think of each point as an octave. The sound is perfect, but the interesting part is in the in-between the pure notes. This is the vibration and where creation is present. Within this playground is where we play.

This world is teaching us how to find balance within the polarities. We can't become pure like the points no matter how hard we try. To get to that purity means severing the connection to the other polarity. To become the light means forsaking the darkness. I intuit the answer is found in the reconciliation of all. To take the opposites and move to the centre. In the balance is where to stand on earth.

I asked the Great Goddess to teach me about love. She has shown me possessive love and unconditional love. I realized neither was the answer. Possessive love will imprison those you love and as the jailer you will imprison yourself. Unconditional love leads to being taken advantage of and no one growing from the experience. The answer is found in the middle of the two extremes. I asked the Great God about magic. Eventually was revealed the similarities with love. There's black magic where you get what you want and fulfill all your desires. The opposite white magic is where you unconditionally help others relieve their suffering. The problem with using magic for selfish desires is obvious but why not help people? A couple reasons. You don't know the reasons they incarnated and chose to suffer. The suffering could be leading towards a breakthrough on their part and fulfilling a purpose. Another reason is you don't know what the outcomes or consequences are from the magic. Everything is reconciled so when you create a positive, there must be a negative corollary. You don't know what you have unleashed when you drop a dollop of magic onto the brew of life.

I learned about magic and gained the trust of my benefactors. I'm thoughtful and not careless. I showed I was good for it and soon was given the lesson of loving which led to magic. The smart play is to let it be. Let life flow and react to the curriculum as it comes.

This point was driven home at the same time I was taking stock of my life and who I am. I am comfortable with who I am, and it is at odds with how others perceive me. This is a major psychological crisis most of us face. We build a character that is different from who we are. It's the ego and built by how others perceive us and then we must imprison ourselves in that jail of ego. Spiritual liberation is freeing yourself from those chains. For most of us, myself included, how others perceive us is stifling. This straw man prevents me from living life. I know who I am. I'm a decent person, but no saint. I know what I want and what animates me. I needed to kill myself in order to live as what was suggested to me.

We all are uncomfortable with certain aspects of self. We hide this and try not to think of it. If you regularly participate in the use of psychedelic substances, you will have to recognize and come to terms with all aspects of self. Confrontation awaits. I know how I suck as a human being. I used to want to be perfect and keep my construction project of self, called the ego, nice and shiny. Any revealed stain on my character I needed to hide to maintain appearances. Eventually in life this becomes constrictive. You are leading a life that is a lie. What is better? Bowing to the pressures of others and living a life of frustration or letting it go and being true to yourself? I have plumbed the depths of self and know who I am, what I want, and what lights me up. I have gravitated towards fulfillment of these ideals while realizing it is culturally out of bounds. I am a disappointment and I'm happy to be a failure. I see freedom in being a screw up.

I have lately embraced Apollo. I mocked him for a while because he was the part of me who while being brilliant also was concerned with appearances. This Apollo polarity of me is the one who came forth for most of this lifetime in the eyes of others. My parents mostly saw this part of me, and it made them happy to see their son successful and well-adjusted. My workplace gets a huge does of this sugar. My family I live with of course sees this but also sees the unhappiness. I can't hide that. In my distaste of this guy, I saw the good that comes from him. I shine so brightly. I can figure anything out. That's to be celebrated and not haphazardly thrown to the curb.

I've been letting go of the reigns and letting the buried part of my nature come to the fore. I can see it in my behaviour that I have been successful in finding a balance between my two natures. The darkness within is tempered by the light. It's the optimum condition for the human and through this balance, peace is found. The lesson of the octave comes into play here. Each of the touchstone tones of dark and light, which I call Dionysos and Apollo, are pure in vibration, however a little much if the note is held too long. The decay of each makes the purity tolerable. If I become too much of either, I'm a little much. I like to visit each polarity and spend some time lost in the richness of each pure note. It's a great thrill to be at the top of the track before the descent of the rollercoaster and then to embrace the bottom and propel yourself back to the top. The in-between is life, and the experience is what is memorable. So, for most of my life I went out into public while at the top of the rollercoaster. I waited for the dark to literally descend before allowing my opposite to come out of his cage under the veil of night. I maintained this facade for over 50 years before the cracks in the edifice went beyond repair. I now look forward to a life of disappointing others.

I'm looking forward to multiple people saying they are disappointed in me. With this I'll know I have done what I needed to do. In truth, they will only be disappointed to learn that the puppet strings snapped. I'm not living towards some ideal of who I should be, I'm just being me. Just being me will lead to a lot of upset. I'll just be free and go with the flow.

caged

The human experience as defined by becoming a full-fledged member of a collective, requires you to bury the power you hold within. In order to fit into the dictates of what is required by your culture, you give in to the domestication of your natural, wild, and free self. You join the herd. So much of who you are is buried and this energy takes on a life of its own which is referred to as the shadow when we get around to examining these rumblings from deep within. Within society you take on a role, develop a reliable character, and participate in the drama. Doing this dance forces you to give up your power and if and when you go on a journey of discovery to reclaim self you will be astonished to learn just exactly what power you gave up.

We are so ensconced within the game that we go about trying to accumulate worldly power and inflate our ego which in turn distorts our sense of self-worth. We play the game to accumulate wealth and power in order to fulfill our desires and thirst to have a modicum of control over an unsure and chaotic existence. We strive for worldly success, though deep down we know it’s fleeting. Perhaps we can leave a legacy of our greatness and how we impacted the world during our short stay here.

It’s the greatest ruse ever imposed upon anyone and we do it to ourselves! I had a sneaking suspicion a few years back I was way greater than my transient ego. I knew my persona would one day fade away and alternatively my spiritual side, whatever that is, would carry on and I kept going on this journey to explore that part of me. I went farther in my exploration than I ever imagined I’d get to. I knew I would keep exploring but I didn’t think I’d get to the shores of omnipotence. I re-discovered my eternal parents, Goddess and God, and realized I was their essence, lost in the journey, but making my way back home. I discovered my energetic signature was imperishable and eternal and this universe was created so we could play.

It was a month or so ago when I dropped all the stories I tell about myself which keep me down. Like everyone else, I told tall tales to elevate my character within this wicked game called life. Acting out my role shields me from the truth of who I am. Finally, I transcended what culture wanted me to believe about myself. It all seems so conspiratorial now. A big joke but I wasn’t in on it. However, the truth will set you free and I have been implored lately in my integration of plant medicine experiences to go full on into liberation. Live in truth and drop the stories. Don’t entertain this advice as a platitude but do it. I started to let go all limiting beliefs and went on quite the trip. Telling the unvarnished truth sacrifices the individual self.

So, yeah, I’m everything. I created this universe; I split into my constituent feminine and masculine halves; I birthed myself into my own creation. I did all this and kept it a secret from myself so I could have a grand adventure. I am the child of Goddess and God and I’m it! All the joy and all the suffering are because of me. Duality is the remedy for eternal boredom. Desire, fear, love, thrills, chills, and spills. So delicious; the greatest carnival ever!

We bury the wild within us. We are equipped for survival and can return to the savagery of an untamed animal. Culture domesticates that out of you and you bury it, fully tamed. The jaguar is caged. We curtail the pleasure impulse within us and allow society to direct what is acceptable in our sexual lives and relationships. The rest we bury in the shadow. Madness lurks, looking for an outlet and will always return. We create this huge reservoir of buried power that bubbles over at the most in-opportunistic times and then we have to deal with it. We channel our power into the pursuit of worldly power and dominance and make that chase a pathological need to accumulate as much power as possible without caring about the damage we do to others. We never make it into our hearts fully; sure, the thought of charity and being kind crosses our mind but what lights us up is power. That worldly power is only a small part of what we possess if we start to integrate all the power centres within us.

I woke up and figured out my game. I’m God! Everyone else is as well however until they reach the shores of this knowledge on the eternal spiritual barge they will remain ignorant of this truth. So, I get to be the only god for as long as no one else wakes up to this realization. I guess that’s a good game to play now to bide my time.

tell the truth

Life is one big game of obfuscation and denial, creating a story and character in order to deflect the prying eyes of the judge we all contain within us and externally manifest as culture. Our story hides us from our truth. The judges within society want to see behind the curtain to determine what makes me tick however it’s the same thing that makes them tick. They just live in denial and also have created a persona to bury their lusts, though eventually all comes up to the surface and desires have to be met. Why would I be different? I want to go to church so I can sit there and laugh. Look at all the phony holy and righteous. Wow. What did you do in your life that you aren’t so proud of? So much so, you think you needed to be saved. Why not admit you’re a scoundrel? We all are potential reprobates. If we lay those cards on the table at the beginning of the game then we’d understand each other better and we could get down to creating way more pleasure than the pain we materialize.

My plant medicine journeys definitely have revealed to me the casino nature of life and how this is the big game of chance, skill, and rewards. I had no idea what I was seeing during an early vision of the hypnotic nature of existence and I still find it very mysterious however when I sank down into my depths I remember seeing spinning representations of the four suits in a deck of cards. Everything was hypnotic, sketchy, and there was a definite unease running through the experience. I ended up in the lair of a demon who proceeded to scare the shit out of me and I ran. I didn’t even know where I was running to but just had to do the flight thing because fight was definitely not in the cards. The rest of the night was a thorough beatdown, drumming into me what a degenerate I was and how I played the game well and kept all my carnal lusts and desires hidden. One day, all my secrets would be revealed and being a libertine, I’m destined to die miserable and alone.

We all do the dance, so, it’s not like I’m someone special in that regard and the script is probably interchangeable. It was only when I learned to tell the truth that I was able to reconcile my perceived deviancy. The best advice I have ever received in this regard came from Ram Dass via his guru Maharaji: “Love all and tell the truth.” Loving all enables within the power of love and allows you to understand the enormous power that is within your form. You have no idea of your personal power however there are two relatively easy paths towards feeling that power within and love is one of them. I invite you to love all and experience it, even if temporary. Telling the truth allows you to drop the narrative of self. There is only so far you can get on the spiritual path without embracing truth. The story you tell about yourself in essence strips away the omnipotent power within and you can’t see it because you sacrificed it to play a character. When you start practicing telling the truth, doors to the unknown become unlocked and knowledge is exponentially increased. The astute adherent then has an easy time understanding the knowledge. It’s pretty awesome. I won’t give the show away but instead point you towards these words of advice to love all and tell the truth.

To successfully embark upon the path of liberation requires one to tell the truth. The truth about how you feel and the truth about yourself. Your feelings are never wrong; they may be morally or culturally deviant however it is an accurate barometer of self. The flip side is feelings can be manipulated by culture and others so thus the need for liberation in order to re-discover self. When one hears of someone going on a journey to find themselves this is essentially what they are trying to get at. We tell little stories, which are fancy lies, about ourselves all the time in order to fit in and be consistent. We allow others to control our narrative and we are expected to conform to their expectations. If we do not play along or slip up we are said to be acting out of character. In some instances, one is sent away for psychiatric help or counselling in order to return them to the performance that everyone can count on. That actor is a stooge in someone else’s play. The drama and your part is being written for you. How about you become the writer, director, and actor of your own play? That’s where liberation comes in.

To fully go into the path of liberation involves embracing duality. Embracing duality allows you to separate yourself from others, culture, and the stories you tell about yourself. The separation allows you to live in truth which in turn allows you to sit with who you are. Seeing everything as separate allows you to objectify all. Everyone is an independent being, including the trees and animals. From this state of seeing everything as separate you can then start to let it go one by one. This is where the love of the Goddess comes in and you start the process of tempering your newfound liberation with love which will pull you back towards unity. Instead of dutifully repeating the grand spiritual narrative of oneness, you start from the beginning and see we are all connected which naturally leads to duality falling away. You have liberated yourself and realized in truth everyone you see is you. At first, it’s quite the paradox, however, it is a necessary exercise in order to get to the crux of the mystery.

Do it, go full on into the right-hand path of the individual to the point of pathology where you are so involved in the separation and delineation of self you shine the brightest light possible upon your existence. The self you define splinters and becomes many selves. In fact, we already know we have many iterations of self that we subdivide into our personality traits. Overdose on self! Then you will see the transitory nature of the character you play. The character is real but is ever changing and thus cannot be defined. The only definition I’m sure of regarding form is the verb transformation which means change. It’s what we do. It’s so curious that the form provided by the Goddess is constantly changing in order to stay biologically alive. The pulse of energy is decelerated by the love of the feminine into form and while in form the masculine power creates ego because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I want to be in a unified form yet also be separate and free! So, the answer is to first go all the way and become free and from the position of liberation invite back in unity and temper your freedom with love.

Liberation is the first step, not love. Free yourself before learning to love. Going into love as the first step prevents you from discovering just whom you really are. Seeking liberation eventually allows you to see you are inseparable from everything and this mystery is the flow of the eternal energy of the divine feminine and masculine coming forth. Liberation will lead to a unity that is tempered by the love of the Goddess.

Going into love as the first step on the spiritual path will suck you into a vortex you will never escape. Liberation will allow you to see those who will suck you in. This is because you want to see the good in others and blinders have been placed on your early warning system. There are many on the path who present themselves as wanting to help and will offer to teach. They will invite you into their world. They are magicians. You can only see it if you are liberated. Following your heart will lead you to these people who weave magic spells and will collect you as a follower. So many are easily seduced and it’s usually pretty benign. Most shamans fall into this category of being a magician as they are creating an aura and persona that is designed to collect you as a follower to which at some point they will take advantage of that relationship. It’s the tried and true human behaviour which has been going on for centuries. A good example of this collecting behaviour is social media. It’s a hangout for magicians who are weaving spells through their words and pictures trying to invite you into their world to become a follower. There’s a hit of egoistic pleasure and power that us humans get from acquiring views, followers, positive comments - negative comments are not welcome as they could break the spell. In essence, it’s all a con. It’s the same behaviour on the spiritual path, whether you choose plant medicines, a religion, a discipline, or a guru and I’d estimate the majority of people you run into playing the part of spiritual guide are doing just this. It’s inviting to try out this method of enchantment if you know you have the power. The spiritual novices are lost and bewildered and when initially taking up the path they are looking for help and a teacher to look up to. For the spiritual magician, it's easy to exchange knowledge for prestige and be placed on a pedestal which leads to the seeker being seduced into becoming a follower. It’s something to look out for when at first you follow your heart because it’s so easy to be trapped on the spiritual path by someone, as you naturally want to trust and find the good in people. The spiritual path draws only good people, right?

So, what I’m saying is the first stop on the spiritual path is liberation. Free yourself from culture and others. Get in touch with yourself because within you will find all the answers you are looking for. I know that is cliché where you always look externally for answers first before exhausting that path and finding all you need was within. However, it’s true! Looking externally finds religion, spiritual paths, history, and myth which is useful however eventually you go full circle and see it’s all within.

I can tell you to first become liberated but no one will take me up on that advice. You're going to go to others and have them solve your problems for you. Looking within is where you are going to end up and you’ll save yourself a lot of time and energy if you liberate yourself and glimpse at the answers waiting for you.

There are two plant medicines that are really good at helping you discover the power that is within you when you are ready. For a full-on immersion there is nothing like Huachuma. For the seeker with an intention, Huachuma unleashes the power within and you will vibrate with an intense power. At first, it’s quite unnerving to discover this however when you later examine the process you see you have buried within this immense power. If you stay on that path of discovery you will come to intimately know the power and realize it emanates from you and not someone else, not from the cactus, or from some other external source. From a physical standpoint it is such a great teaching, as you physically realize the great power you hold that has been buried within you for so long is now liberated. A subtler take on this experience of power is with Mapacho. While out in nature with the tobacco maestro, a smoke will cause central nervous system agitation. You will feel within the rising power. It’s a good way to integrate a Huachuma experience as it allows access to the power felt with Huachuma but at a level that allows you to process the experience and connect the dots. Those two plant medicines really help with the path of liberation because once you know of the power within you do not need to look externally for answers or give away your personal power to anyone else.

In my experience, I was lucky to meet the maestro don Howard and make no mistake he was a magician. If you ever saw him in a Huachuma ceremony he would blow you away with his mastery. It would be pretty easy to become enchanted by him but he maintained a hands-off approach where he’d teach and send you on your way. I went on my way and tried to maintain contact. Once in a while, you’d get a response but for the most part you were dropped in the deep end of the pool and had to figure out how to swim. It was a healthy distance to prevent dependence. Deep within, I knew it was the way, as he is getting you to internally look for answers. Upon returning to his place, there would be a two-week intensive and off you go. He didn’t want to collect you and if you wished to return he was very grateful but no pressure. I was fortunate because I didn’t get sucked into any enchantment or devotion to any place.

Once you are free from culture and the spells others are trying to put on you, life and games we play become quite funny. You stand back and see what others are doing and you want to caution people. You listen to others but don’t fall for their outreach. Live your own life. Being liberated allows you to open your heart and have love and compassion for all without getting trapped in others' drama or be sucked in by the enchanter trying to draw you into their story and collect you. 

garden of the mind

The garden of the mind needs to be cultivated. We are given the opportunity to freely allow all ideas, concepts, feelings, and the like into the mind and some resonate with us more strongly than others. It is indeed our karmic predicament. In that regard, it is healthy to expose oneself to as many disparate ideas as possible. Free will is given to us so that we may work out what we ultimately came into this incarnation to discover. Whether that is a psychic disturbance or a need to fill this vessel up with love so be it and henceforth follow that path wherever it may take us. Within this garden, we can water and nourish what we choose. Ultimately, what flowers is character and the beauty of it is representative of what you have chosen.

My mind contains my core beliefs and the past few weeks have been a good reminder of beliefs. Belief is the flexible backbone upon which truth rests. Change your mind, change your beliefs, and you can change the truth. On a global scale, the tipping point is getting enough worldwide currency in a belief which will bring it to life. This transforms the belief from a solitary and deluded individual belief into a consensus belief. Case in point: religion. I keep seeing people gravitating towards Christianity and in this time of a pandemic, people have resorted to prayer and appealing to a higher power. It works for them despite all efforts of reason. Why does it work? It has to do with belief. It’s the most powerful force of all and trumps truth, as truth is dependent upon beliefs. Not only that, but as I have written about, your dark side desperately wants to remain hidden and will do whatever it can to stay that way, even if it means acting as if they are god. The supreme actor within will play the part in order to steer you towards heading down the path of culturally sanctioned religion because it stops you cold. You go seeking answers and become dangerous, so your gaze is deflected. You may have a religious experience, vision, or epiphany. It works all the time! The trappings of culture are foolproof. I had one but I’m a hold out. It didn’t work. It was funny this morning because at the bus shelter was left some religious material on the bench. I have been told there are no coincidences and this was one of the contrived happenings; once again playing with the rational mind. I wonder if there is a turning point where instead of tricks and trying to scare me there will be just acceptance by my dark side that I know the game? I know the joker within and his twisted comedic skills. I felt this once again when I saw this Christian book waiting for me. He knows I’m not going to fall for it but puts it out there as a subtle reminder every once in a while. C’mon man you’ve met Jesus! You also had a dream about him where you were being forced to accept him into your life. The deep dark subconscious is exceptionally strong and I have peered into it and stood my ground. I’d like to think that eventually on the path there is reconciliation; I mean there has to be because the old paradigm is no longer in play. I sit out in the forest and the trees come alive and I see the face of my dark side. I’m not scared; only slightly amused.

 

The Great Spirit has a sense of humour. My strength was tested along this journey and at first, I was massively frightened and chased away, all the way back home to a sense of bewilderment. It was a catastrophic foray into the darkness of self. Perseverance, curiosity, resolve, and courage, all mixed in with a little naivety and stupidity allowed me to continue on in this quest. In a strange way, I was rewarded and let in on the secret. My relationship with my dark side is now one of being trolled. I’m chided for my foibles. I’m tested and shown I’m not at expert level. I have actual proof now I have been trolled by my subconscious. I can’t really go into details but it happened. This trolling is ever present in dreams. Now I look back on it and this has happened many times before. It’s not malicious; instead it is like a game. That is the power I need a face to face with. This connection with hidden realms of consciousness goes even further than the masculine shadow that trolls me. My feminine soul mate accompanies me as well. I remember all too well being in the Andes mountains in Ecuador, high on Huachuma, and having her manifestation as a cow, an ancient representation of the Goddess, being with me the whole time. The wisdom goddess has been with me from the beginning. She has promised protection and she has offered answers. The answers come in the same way as the trolling with the difference being knowledge reveals as opposed to games of one-upmanship. My forays into alterations of consciousness are first and foremost encounters with the feminine Goddess or the masculine shadow. The masculine side I sometimes encounter and who trolls me, is me. The me I try to bury but have come to know well now over the last few years. He’s one up on my conscious self. Who is in the driver’s seat? I drive sometimes but I’m a passenger when it comes to the big stuff. It sure seems the feminine and masculine powers can manipulate events towards an outcome or try and influence my behaviour. Ultimately, I have found I decide. There's an old saying about how the devil made me do it. The suggestion came through the subconscious and the trappings of culture however what needs to be understood is you did it.

 

What keeps me going and attracted to the incarnation? Why do this coming and going in spite of all the suffering? It’s the adventure and solving the riddle I created. There’s this great mystery and puzzle that was waiting for me. Who is god? Let me embark on an inexplicable and unintelligible aside here. When I first peered into the darkness I was presented with this strange scene of weirdness and despair. My mind’s eye still cannot fathom it to this day and it has been over seven years. I’ve glimpsed hints of it but it has remained obfuscated from my memory for the most part. What big thing I remember though is a deck of cards that formed images in the upper part of this construct. I saw rotating images of hearts, diamonds, clubs, and spades. There are 52 cards in the deck. I’m 52 years old now and I’m the joker. I’m the one who created the game. The puzzle took 52 years to figure out this time. It was a sublime adventure. I’ve solved the riddle. Fait accompli.

 

I beat the game. Now what? I still have my garden; the garden of the mind. I’m going to cultivate that and the fruits I will share and my flower will become radiant in its beauty.

rise up embrace release

My brain is a fascinating machine. I feed it knowledge; it digests it over the course of a relatively short time into understanding and from this understanding grows wisdom. This process is repeatable and it has happened enough that I can internally quantify it, though to quantify it externally would be difficult other than recording my understanding of information I have fed into it.

The knowledge we generally feed into the brain comes from our everyday experiences. We live within a tightly held frequency that spills out in all dimensions so that we get hints of obfuscated forms of consciousness but we can’t grasp them for long. It leaves us with the nagging question of whether these other dimensions are ‘real’ or not. All is energy and the energy is in motion. What is energy? It is a vibration. The vibration is motion that we perceive. When we measure the motion we discern frequencies.

Everything is here and now. We are limited by perception. The frequency I lock to creates my world. We can go to heaven or hell now; there’s no need to wait until death. The energy of dead ancestors is here and now. That plane of consciousness is available if you seek for it.

I chose a seed body to incarnate my pattern of energy, in order to come forth in a plane of existence that would allow me to attain self knowledge over buried aspects of self I ignore. Within my current life I then develop further strategies to keep these traits hidden however they are more accessible than ever. We all get lost in the incarnation and forget not only our origin but also our impetus. The journey is always there waiting for us to re-engage, get back on the ship, and sail onwards towards understanding. I don’t think there is a destination or an end to it. I realized this the other day while walking my dog through the woods. There’s no destination or goal on this walk; instead it is the journey that’s the thing. That seemed so obvious. Experience is the teacher. I know I only conquered fear through experiencing full on fear and then taking it on in a struggle for survival. The walk is about exploring, becoming aware of your surroundings, and living in the moment. Aha! The destination is to be here now. Thanks Ram Dass! Eventually we turn around and head back. The natural cycle of the day turns to night. We rest and then rise up again.

I look back now on my ceremonies in the the Amazon jungle and the Andes mountains with Huachuma, that first and foremost acknowledge and celebrate Pachamama, with awe and reverence. The final ceremony this last trip moved me to tears as I understood how she created our universe out of love in order that we could play and understand. The wisdom of the opening of the Tao Te Ching expresses this sentiment,  "Heaven and earth begin in the unnamed: name’s the mother of the ten thousand things.” (Ursula K. LeGuin translation)

It’s always been the Goddess behind creation and it is our destiny to eventually destroy it. Along the way maybe we can show some respect while we head to the inevitable decline and destruction. We can embrace love while we fall from the grace of the great mother.

My pattern of energy animates the body and I take care of it allowing for this experience. Everything is like the breath; it rises and it falls. The body grows and then it decays. The growing is a time to explore the wondrous feats that can be accomplished and the power inherent in our condition. The decay is a time of introspection and insight where if you let go of the clinging to life on this plane of existence then you can step back and start to understand it. Stop being so uptight and blow it out.

The answer seems to be motion. We are deathly afraid of death however we love and are addicted to nouns. If we persist in objectifying then will come death and suffering. We love institutions that have staying power. The rock is what we ultimately look towards to express this ideal. We want to capture and live in a frozen moment and defeat the ravages of time however time is undefeated and claims all. What a predicament! If we change the way we think then we can win this game. Isn’t that cheating though? No and here’s why: If you look around it is easy to see nothing lasts. Everything is in a constant state of growth and decay; life and death. We can deny it all we want but it is self-evident. We can create languages that accentuate nouns as part of the sentence structure but it is still a way to fool ourselves into thinking there is a way to maintain this facade of the character and institutions we have created. Changing the way we think will extricate us from the trap that causes suffering, with the bonus of being able to joyously play the game of life and build the best damn character you can imagine.

By dying we defeat death. That’s a weird statement to make as we understand death as annihilation. If you embrace motion and understand that you rise and fall endlessly then you will get it. Motion is the impetus behind our transformation and this transformation goes on without end. Clinging to non-change will lead to a painful death. Letting go and trusting what is undeniable leads to grace and to living a life that sails on over both smooth and rough waters, marvelling at what comes next.

Surf the waves of time through being in motion with it.

So what is energy? It’s motion that is in motion. Try wrapping your head around that one. Try objectifying a verb. At slower speeds it looks like solid particles and at higher speeds it is a waveform pattern. Energy rises and falls. It’s string theory without the string. Ultimately I intuit that energy is unbridled love and all that has come forth for us in this universe is derivative of that love. Yes even the pain and the suffering. It’s all love because only through love can we face up to the truth of who we are and stop denying it. We are forced to acknowledge the hate and thus we can transform it. Love embraces all regardless of prejudice or behaviour.

Love is the beating of your heart. It rises and falls. The creation of the vibration leads you back to source. The heart is your umbilical cord that connects to the Goddess. It beats out your unique pattern, your signature called your soul, that binds you to the all. She creates. I destroy. We are harmonious. We are the constituents of motion. We are everything. We are nothing. She is the rising and I am the falling. 

free will and magic

What is magic? At its most basic definition it is the ability to control through supernatural means. Often the means are accomplished through the mind by putting to use spells, enrapturing someone through language, bewitching them with certain intoxicants, or getting someone to buy into a belief from which you can then control their behaviour somewhat. It takes two to tango though and the seduction usually isn’t a one way street. A love spell can’t work without a spark. Shamans can’t have a supernatural battle if one isn’t playing along. Break this down further and the use of magic is to control and this leads back to power and our desire to obtain it. As a species we have concentrated power down into money and we use that as a means of control. There are people who will do anything for money. It used to be gold but that became a hoarded commodity so we invented currency which can be easily manipulated and inflated by fiat in order to keep people lusting after it but never having enough. Having free will on the other hand is freedom from coercion so you can operate on your own accord, if that is really at all possible. It isn’t, there is a definite culture spell which has influence and will speak up through that voice in the head when you try to break free of it, but at least there is a degree of freedom that allows you the opportunity to create your own karma.

Much like money, magic can be used to help or for selfish things. With life experience we recognize the best way to deal with power is to be of service; to help others unconditionally and not use it to aggrandize the self. I said we recognize that but left with choice it is a different story, as history is witness to. If you drink enough plant medicines at some point this becomes clear and you will have to make a choice if you wish to continue down that road. There’s a fork in the road and the how to use the magic available is presented to you by the plants in a way you use your free will to decide your course of action. How ingenious is that? I went into drinking Ayahuasca thinking about I and came out of it thinking about We. Now on to moving mountains.

Religion is a magic spell and through ritual and group think the spell is maintained. When you look externally for answers you will find religion. You go looking for it and you enable the spell. It’s waiting for you but you are ultimately responsible for the choices you make. It all comes back to finding answers within but you have to go on the journey and look everywhere for the answer. Maybe then you can let go of the external, even if it means culture will malign you or go as far to damn you to hell.

Another form of magic is very subtle where others try to trap you into their story. You end up existing just to further someone else’s narrative. Try exiting out of this play and then you use your power of narrative to create your new and better world. You can always move and start over. Treat it as a near death experience however the death is the character and not the body; a video game where you have more lives. The succeeding life gathers up the narrative from the preceding life and carries on with it reshaping it into the drama you wish to follow. In someone else's narrative you are now pretty much dead. Things start happening for you and you will feel events and the world does revolve around you. You will rise again, play a new a character influenced by the play and the stage where it is set. It is important to always remember you are the divine actor and can adapt and play any part. The empty stage is the fount of everything with all its possibilities. It is inviting you to join in the drama. Raise the curtain and perform your act.

Control is so overrated anyways and is the path to boredom. The fun part of the rollercoaster is the descent. The best part of sky diving is the free falling. We all are climbing that mountain trying to realize that unattainable ideal of ourself; the enlightenment that is just out of our grasp. Enlightenment is just so full of expectations. We wish to become self actualized with some kind of knowing and confidence in who we are and our destiny. When you free yourself from this then the liberty is realized as free falling. Freedom baby! Just make some plans so that you don’t do a full stop at the bottom, will ya? 

journey to self

My higher self ultimately comes from below, the subconscious. Well, I label it subconscious but I think it is always present, I just obfuscate it with the non-stop chatter going on in my head. Psychologically, it is part of the id though the id is just defined as basically our desires. The inference being desires as blind lust therefore it has no conception of decency or morals. There is no right or wrong; there just is and this teaches us that our reasoning, morals, and truth all come from a unity that has no need for these concepts. They are concepts from the world of separation and appearance. This unity is where love comes from. It is where desire comes from. It is where life comes from. It is the fount of all and the first principle from which my sense of self and the controlling voice developed. It is what we term instinctual and that produces the passions, the flowering of energy, and the dance of life. Newborns and animals are connected to this oceanic consciousness. The human baby will develop a sense of self and morals from parents, siblings, playmates, and eventually culture and by this process bury this original part of them. This primordial you will play any part you want it to play. It loves to play. It loves to love. Human adults move away from it and relegate it to the subconscious and subsequently it boils up every now and again because we have shut it away. We develop an ego, a sense of self, that mediates between these desires in order to fit into cultural and authority figure expectations of acceptable behaviour. At some point in our lives the cultural and authority figure becomes the approving and judgmental voice in our head, the superego. We construct religions around this voice, the one we perceive to be the most high. There are expectations of spiritual perfection, purity, and desirelessness. Desires are sins we are told. They are not natural. Things have purpose and reason and you are to make yourself better and better until you become perfected. We dig a deeper hole for the id and exalt the dragonesque tendencies of the superego who controls through shame, judgment, and rewards. We want to climb that spiritual mountain to please the father figure, superego, or at this point ‘god’.

The best piece of advice my feminine higher self gave to me was nothing is as it seems. At some point in your life you may go on a bit of a journey to rediscover this part of yourself and it seems to be an unstated part of all cultures that a great deal of people will get this drive or need to embark on a spiritual quest. In order to control this drive or nip it in the bud, there are institutions set up for the journey so this attempt at rediscovery of self doesn't get out of hand. Human beings are very resourceful and always evolving. Though we may get trapped in thought patterns and institutions, we do eventually break out of them. There is a rebellious streak within the species not just confined to the teenager. Given the freedom last century to break away from the grip of the church many did and then some forged new spiritual paths, some seduced by the exotic paths of the east or other seekers to magnanimous personalities or cult leaders. It's just this part of humans that make us easily led like sheep sometimes but there's always the black sheep that doesn't follow along and does their own thing.

I write about this common human journey because it is all personal to me. I'm that black sheep that rebels against popular culture, institutions, and accepted paths. For the most part, this skeptical and antagonistic attitude has served me well though at times I have sincerely wished I could just fit in so I could find more connection with others. I had an awakening of sorts when I hit 40 years of age and I am now in my early 50's so I have now been walking the path for a bit. I sidestepped the religious institutions and just went rogue on my own, sampling the spiritual supermarket. I found the eastern paths philosophically head and shoulders above anything the west was putting out however something still bugged me about them. I incorporated some of the lessons into my own path and worked to better myself and towards discarding desires so I could just dispassionately observe. All this was leading me up the spiritual mountain that would lead to the pinnacle of enlightenment where I was a perfected shining being with no desires or faults. I'd never get angry again and live in bliss. However, that obfuscated place where desire comes from is the same place love comes from. The gamble we take to make connections with others and share in the triumphs and disappointments of our fellow human beings and all the creatures we share this planet with doesn't emanate from dispassionate observation. It comes from getting your feet wet and your clothing dirty. From living, loving, and laughing.

Is the most unselfish part of me my sense of self? By that, I mean my ego in that it is mediating between the passions, desires, and instinctual drives of the id and the judgment and demands of the superego. The ego is just trying to hold it all together and there hasn't been a need to say hey look at me and all I have accomplished. When I look at it this way, I can't really fault people for having a big ego. You've earned it. Having an ego is the hardest thing in the universe.

I was born without an ego or a controlling superego. All I cared about was instantly fulfilling desires. I didn't know right from wrong, identity, culture, none of that shit. If I didn't get my way, I threw up a fuss. I was thinking earlier this week that the newborn is the true representative of who I am. The thought that led to this declaration was that it came first and then ego self and superego controller came afterwards. Reexamining this, I don't think this line of reasoning is necessarily true. There has to be a base that gives rise to self, just as there has to be an environment that gives rise to a body. There is a part of the thinking process that assigns authority and primacy to whatever comes first like it it has to be the truth because it made it to the finish line first. Is the flower not ‘real’ because it is just the result of a seed that grew into a plant body? The sense of self is the same. In our case, the energy sequentially develops into a human being, has desires and instinctual properties, and then develops a sense of self. So, I'm not a psychic disturbance but a natural occurrence of conscious energy that in its appearance cycle has come forth as a self. I have an ego and at this moment I am a self. Some will teach we don't have a self and there is only unity. Now I have a self. Humans are good at projection therefore I will predict at some point in my journey this cycle will take me back to unity but for now I am an ego.

Through this understanding comes a great responsibility. I was born a blank slate. It is a great gift and I get to do with it what I please. I know, I know, some things are out of our control or we are affected by circumstance but then again what good game doesn't have a roll of the dice, random chance, or a flip of a card that says advance to Boardwalk? Shit, there's a couple hotels on it! What I am getting at is character. The plant medicine teacher Huachuma taught me a few years back that we can change the character we play at anytime. We tend to play the same one over and over and those in our life have an expectation we will continue playing that character lest we, drum roll please, start acting out of character. Knowing this, what makes me want to be moral, to be good, be helpful and kind to others, to be of good character? Like I said, when I was born I was amoral. Everything is learnt and a choice. What is in me to not want to lie, cheat, and steal? Why have character? To a degree it is law and also shame and expectations of those in your life you don't want to disappoint. However, for the most part it is because I want to help and be kind to others. Being better to be fit for service. Reciprocity. There's a need for love and connection. When I have felt cosmic love for all by changing my consciousness, it was the greatest thing ever. I'm slowly trying to bring that into my daily life. There's a homeless person on my way to work. I gave him a box of granola bars this week because he's my brother; he's me, leading a different and challenging life. This act of giving and kindness was profoundly moving. I started crying and I noticed how wonderful it is to give. Such a simple act but oh so powerful. I want more of that in my life.