journey to self

My higher self ultimately comes from below, the subconscious. Well, I label it subconscious but I think it is always present, I just obfuscate it with the non-stop chatter going on in my head. Psychologically, it is part of the id though the id is just defined as basically our desires. The inference being desires as blind lust therefore it has no conception of decency or morals. There is no right or wrong; there just is and this teaches us that our reasoning, morals, and truth all come from a unity that has no need for these concepts. They are concepts from the world of separation and appearance. This unity is where love comes from. It is where desire comes from. It is where life comes from. It is the fount of all and the first principle from which my sense of self and the controlling voice developed. It is what we term instinctual and that produces the passions, the flowering of energy, and the dance of life. Newborns and animals are connected to this oceanic consciousness. The human baby will develop a sense of self and morals from parents, siblings, playmates, and eventually culture and by this process bury this original part of them. This primordial you will play any part you want it to play. It loves to play. It loves to love. Human adults move away from it and relegate it to the subconscious and subsequently it boils up every now and again because we have shut it away. We develop an ego, a sense of self, that mediates between these desires in order to fit into cultural and authority figure expectations of acceptable behaviour. At some point in our lives the cultural and authority figure becomes the approving and judgmental voice in our head, the superego. We construct religions around this voice, the one we perceive to be the most high. There are expectations of spiritual perfection, purity, and desirelessness. Desires are sins we are told. They are not natural. Things have purpose and reason and you are to make yourself better and better until you become perfected. We dig a deeper hole for the id and exalt the dragonesque tendencies of the superego who controls through shame, judgment, and rewards. We want to climb that spiritual mountain to please the father figure, superego, or at this point ‘god’.

The best piece of advice my feminine higher self gave to me was nothing is as it seems. At some point in your life you may go on a bit of a journey to rediscover this part of yourself and it seems to be an unstated part of all cultures that a great deal of people will get this drive or need to embark on a spiritual quest. In order to control this drive or nip it in the bud, there are institutions set up for the journey so this attempt at rediscovery of self doesn't get out of hand. Human beings are very resourceful and always evolving. Though we may get trapped in thought patterns and institutions, we do eventually break out of them. There is a rebellious streak within the species not just confined to the teenager. Given the freedom last century to break away from the grip of the church many did and then some forged new spiritual paths, some seduced by the exotic paths of the east or other seekers to magnanimous personalities or cult leaders. It's just this part of humans that make us easily led like sheep sometimes but there's always the black sheep that doesn't follow along and does their own thing.

I write about this common human journey because it is all personal to me. I'm that black sheep that rebels against popular culture, institutions, and accepted paths. For the most part, this skeptical and antagonistic attitude has served me well though at times I have sincerely wished I could just fit in so I could find more connection with others. I had an awakening of sorts when I hit 40 years of age and I am now in my early 50's so I have now been walking the path for a bit. I sidestepped the religious institutions and just went rogue on my own, sampling the spiritual supermarket. I found the eastern paths philosophically head and shoulders above anything the west was putting out however something still bugged me about them. I incorporated some of the lessons into my own path and worked to better myself and towards discarding desires so I could just dispassionately observe. All this was leading me up the spiritual mountain that would lead to the pinnacle of enlightenment where I was a perfected shining being with no desires or faults. I'd never get angry again and live in bliss. However, that obfuscated place where desire comes from is the same place love comes from. The gamble we take to make connections with others and share in the triumphs and disappointments of our fellow human beings and all the creatures we share this planet with doesn't emanate from dispassionate observation. It comes from getting your feet wet and your clothing dirty. From living, loving, and laughing.

Is the most unselfish part of me my sense of self? By that, I mean my ego in that it is mediating between the passions, desires, and instinctual drives of the id and the judgment and demands of the superego. The ego is just trying to hold it all together and there hasn't been a need to say hey look at me and all I have accomplished. When I look at it this way, I can't really fault people for having a big ego. You've earned it. Having an ego is the hardest thing in the universe.

I was born without an ego or a controlling superego. All I cared about was instantly fulfilling desires. I didn't know right from wrong, identity, culture, none of that shit. If I didn't get my way, I threw up a fuss. I was thinking earlier this week that the newborn is the true representative of who I am. The thought that led to this declaration was that it came first and then ego self and superego controller came afterwards. Reexamining this, I don't think this line of reasoning is necessarily true. There has to be a base that gives rise to self, just as there has to be an environment that gives rise to a body. There is a part of the thinking process that assigns authority and primacy to whatever comes first like it it has to be the truth because it made it to the finish line first. Is the flower not ‘real’ because it is just the result of a seed that grew into a plant body? The sense of self is the same. In our case, the energy sequentially develops into a human being, has desires and instinctual properties, and then develops a sense of self. So, I'm not a psychic disturbance but a natural occurrence of conscious energy that in its appearance cycle has come forth as a self. I have an ego and at this moment I am a self. Some will teach we don't have a self and there is only unity. Now I have a self. Humans are good at projection therefore I will predict at some point in my journey this cycle will take me back to unity but for now I am an ego.

Through this understanding comes a great responsibility. I was born a blank slate. It is a great gift and I get to do with it what I please. I know, I know, some things are out of our control or we are affected by circumstance but then again what good game doesn't have a roll of the dice, random chance, or a flip of a card that says advance to Boardwalk? Shit, there's a couple hotels on it! What I am getting at is character. The plant medicine teacher Huachuma taught me a few years back that we can change the character we play at anytime. We tend to play the same one over and over and those in our life have an expectation we will continue playing that character lest we, drum roll please, start acting out of character. Knowing this, what makes me want to be moral, to be good, be helpful and kind to others, to be of good character? Like I said, when I was born I was amoral. Everything is learnt and a choice. What is in me to not want to lie, cheat, and steal? Why have character? To a degree it is law and also shame and expectations of those in your life you don't want to disappoint. However, for the most part it is because I want to help and be kind to others. Being better to be fit for service. Reciprocity. There's a need for love and connection. When I have felt cosmic love for all by changing my consciousness, it was the greatest thing ever. I'm slowly trying to bring that into my daily life. There's a homeless person on my way to work. I gave him a box of granola bars this week because he's my brother; he's me, leading a different and challenging life. This act of giving and kindness was profoundly moving. I started crying and I noticed how wonderful it is to give. Such a simple act but oh so powerful. I want more of that in my life.