edge of the cliff

The plant medicine journey has made me aware of culture, its hold on me, and my internal cry for freedom. The journey is gradual and methodical as you slowly wake up and realize how ingrained and entrenched you are in the system. The most fascinating part of this whole journey is that immediately upon entering into this occult world I was shown how enslaved I was. I reacted negatively and just wanted the alteration of perception to end. I wanted to go back to sleep and back to the comfort of my world where I toiled in obscurity for someone else, got my three-square meals a day, and a comfortable pillow. The truth was too much to take all at once. I ran home. Two years later, I re-started the intensive phase and this time I have peeled away the layers of the onion one by one until there is nothing left. I stand at the end of the road where all that remains is the precipice where you make the decision to jump or to turn back and bend the knee to your master.

I'm the one leading myself into a situation where I will be forced to reap all I have sown. I have to do it. I can't stay working at a job that drains me of my will to do anything about what I know and to walk that path forward in life. I'm just running out the clock on my life and I'm soon going to be too old to make the difference in the world I wish to make. I waste my days doing a job I really don't need to do. I have what I need. I can let go. Sure, it is life changing and involves risk but deep down I know it is what I want and I'm inexorably headed in that direction. My shadow and I both want this. The only way he was going to extricate me from the long and slow descent into oblivion was to yank it away from me. So, here we are. My sword is the freedom sword.

The greater good. What a devious psychological trap. The masquerading superego writ large. The weight of cultural conformity coming for all those who don't bend the knee. No matter the crisis, real or imagined, the forces of control will always seize the opportunity and use the confusion to further sink their claws into you. Reclaim your power. Whatever the original crisis was, it's over. This is a psychological battle for control between the puppeteer who modulates your behaviour and rewards you so as to condition you versus the force within you longing to be free. It's frustrating because I bide my time waiting for people to wake the fuck up. Being obedient doesn't allow you to reclaim your freedom from an entity that doles it out. Freedom is taken by being rebellious.

Instead of the greater good which involves the sacrifice of self to another controlling entity, there's another way. It's called for the good of all. What's the first stop on the road to service? Heal thyself, grasshopper. If you are still sick, you can't help another; you will just infect them will the same bullshit that sullies your light. For the good of all, wake up, free yourself of your chains, and then offer yourself in service to others who are on the path of awakening.

Your master gets you to bend the knee on the regular to inculcate and remind you of whom you serve. You do it so often that eventually it becomes ingrained and you learn to love your imprisonment. The Russian philosopher George Ivanovich Gurdjieff succinctly summed up the human condition with this quote:

“You are in prison. If you wish to get out of prison, the first thing you must do is realize that you are in prison. If you think you are free, you can't escape.”

Additionally, he recognized the forces within society that keep you down and in turn make you love your servitude.

“In order to awaken, first of all one must realize that one is in a state of sleep. And in order to realize that one is indeed in a state of sleep, one must recognize and fully understand the nature of the forces which operate to keep one in the state of sleep, or hypnosis. It is absurd to think that this can be done by seeking information from the very source which induces the hypnosis."

I like my job and willingly give away the best of myself so that my masters can profit off of my gifts. I am given controlled compensation that allows me to reap the rewards which culture offers me. I get a nice place to live, can raise a family, and use some of my money on leisure and entertainment while being mindful of saving for when the time comes and I'm no longer of use to my cultural masters. Gurdjieff continues:

".... One thing alone is certain, that man's slavery grows and increases. Man is becoming a willing slave. He no longer needs chains. He begins to grow fond of his slavery, to be proud of it. And this is the most terrible thing that can happen to a man.”

This has always been in the back of my mind; however, I was scared to take the step to walk away. I was destined to run out the clock on life and take the easy way into my eventual demise. Change seems daunting and I'm not sure about what is behind door number 3. I can have some degree of confidence in what life will look like if I continue to toil for my master and I can get more of a handle on the future. If I stay asleep and in chains things will be easier.

The second time I drank Ayahuasca way back in 2013 part of the mental beatdown I received concerned the weight of culture and how I was in chains. I clearly saw my role in culture and how it could all come crashing down within moments if people found out about my flaws. All of the good will and social credit would disappear in mere seconds. It was like my secrets were being used to keep me in line so I'd stay in the game. Then I had a vision of how I was a slave. I lived in a run-down hut in some far away land toiling away for a master and this situation had followed me through many lifetimes. I misread the vision and thought I was going to enslaved in the jungle when instead Ayahuasca was showing me how that in my life back home I was a slave through metaphor. I remember being so beaten down by my first exposure to plant medicines that I just wanted to go home, return back to my former life, go back to work, put the chains willingly back on, and never do this again. Wow! Trying to break free of the hold of culture and the superego is monumental. I was being shown I'm in bondage and I was frightened. I just wanted to return to my master. Talk about Stockholm syndrome. The integration of plant medicine experiences is a multi-year project and little by little I came to understand all the while embracing freedom and clearing out space for that liberty to blossom in my life. The flower has come forth and it's beautiful.

I have many times in this blog space written about my shadow. He is the great magician and controls the material outcomes of this world. I could ask him for anything and he will grant the wish and in return ask for a favour as recompense. I get what I want, fulfill my desires, and he then gains control over me. That's his role in this adventure of life. There's a shortcut to get out of your predicament which is available to you once you discover this guy. I found him and saw how I can serve my cultural corporate masters or I could serve him. Either way, I'm not free. I have been fortunate to be wonderfully naive when I first stumbled onto this power and side-stepped it. Then I was drawn to a great maestro who taught me about the trappings of power while concurrently learning about cultivating and protecting your freedom at all costs.

I'm not really sure why I became enthralled with the idea of freedom? Maybe it is from cultivating the voice within that doesn't like being told what to do? We all have that but soon learn in life to pick our battles and if someone is paying you, you shut up, and just do your job. I'm good at that while retaining an inner fire that still burns with a longing to be free. I've never been happy working but have instead hypnotized myself into accepting this is just how it is.

I remember in my youth the first time I rebelled against being told what to do. My dad told me I needed to cut my hair shorter or I wouldn't be allowed to participate in his church anymore. No more playing on their sports teams. The carrot was dangled in anticipation I would give in and learn to accept authority over myself. I don't know why but something in me said no and I stood my ground. I was 16 at the time and I remember it set off an internal chain of events that had me looking towards leaving home and setting off on my own, no matter how difficult it would be. I was determined to be free.

I stand at the same crossroads and see the pressures of my corporate masters wielding the same knife over me to conform and reaffirm my servitude. I am a really good employee so the battle of wits should get interesting. I know what awaits and I have reconciled with the outcome. I talk a good game of freedom and eventually it is time to act.

It's so funny. I write about freedom all the time. I write about integrity. I champion these values. I'm a worthy foil to my shadow and I know he marvels at the fact I continuously choose freedom over his offers of gobs of power. I mean who does that? I could have it all. I know it. I stand above the crowd and could become uber-successful and win the culture game. I maintain a little freedom over my condition and hide within the corporate world. My shadow is the master teacher and he has taught me to become a warrior. I already had the freedom gene and now he forged steel by adding in some courage and bravery. He has prepared me for the next lesson. The time is now. The lesson is in my face now. Do it. Take back total freedom and escape the prison you have acquiesced to. Fulfill your destiny.

It's coming soon. I had a bunch of time off and realized how much happier and healthier I am while not giving away my life force to some corporate entity that will callously throw me to the curb once I have expended my usefulness to them. I snapped out of the hypnosis and see the enslavement. I have this feeling of hatred of my master that grows every day. I have returned to the feeling of my youth where I knew I had to plot my escape.

My shadow has brought me to this moment, letting me make the continual choices along the way so I can be assured it is my decision. His magic put the necessary events into motion knowing full well what it would take to get me fully awakened and then take the final step into freedom. I trust his guidance and I marvel at watching the narrative crumble. He's the best. Time to enjoy the show.

Concurrent events coalescence into the end of a teaching, graduating, and moving on to the next stage in the course of your life. Failing the semester means you remain trapped in the world, serving another, knowing you struck out in the quest to become free. This whole set up is intriguing. I mean the pandemic has different meanings for everyone and alters the course of their life in different ways. How it will affect me and be part of my curriculum is different than yours. I think the pandemic was something I created because I needed a way to rip myself away from this waste of time called a job. I needed something to wake me up, force me to take stock of my life, and realize I didn't need to do that ridiculous grind anymore. I could take back my freedom.

Time to jump. 

free will and magic

What is magic? At its most basic definition it is the ability to control through supernatural means. Often the means are accomplished through the mind by putting to use spells, enrapturing someone through language, bewitching them with certain intoxicants, or getting someone to buy into a belief from which you can then control their behaviour somewhat. It takes two to tango though and the seduction usually isn’t a one way street. A love spell can’t work without a spark. Shamans can’t have a supernatural battle if one isn’t playing along. Break this down further and the use of magic is to control and this leads back to power and our desire to obtain it. As a species we have concentrated power down into money and we use that as a means of control. There are people who will do anything for money. It used to be gold but that became a hoarded commodity so we invented currency which can be easily manipulated and inflated by fiat in order to keep people lusting after it but never having enough. Having free will on the other hand is freedom from coercion so you can operate on your own accord, if that is really at all possible. It isn’t, there is a definite culture spell which has influence and will speak up through that voice in the head when you try to break free of it, but at least there is a degree of freedom that allows you the opportunity to create your own karma.

Much like money, magic can be used to help or for selfish things. With life experience we recognize the best way to deal with power is to be of service; to help others unconditionally and not use it to aggrandize the self. I said we recognize that but left with choice it is a different story, as history is witness to. If you drink enough plant medicines at some point this becomes clear and you will have to make a choice if you wish to continue down that road. There’s a fork in the road and the how to use the magic available is presented to you by the plants in a way you use your free will to decide your course of action. How ingenious is that? I went into drinking Ayahuasca thinking about I and came out of it thinking about We. Now on to moving mountains.

Religion is a magic spell and through ritual and group think the spell is maintained. When you look externally for answers you will find religion. You go looking for it and you enable the spell. It’s waiting for you but you are ultimately responsible for the choices you make. It all comes back to finding answers within but you have to go on the journey and look everywhere for the answer. Maybe then you can let go of the external, even if it means culture will malign you or go as far to damn you to hell.

Another form of magic is very subtle where others try to trap you into their story. You end up existing just to further someone else’s narrative. Try exiting out of this play and then you use your power of narrative to create your new and better world. You can always move and start over. Treat it as a near death experience however the death is the character and not the body; a video game where you have more lives. The succeeding life gathers up the narrative from the preceding life and carries on with it reshaping it into the drama you wish to follow. In someone else's narrative you are now pretty much dead. Things start happening for you and you will feel events and the world does revolve around you. You will rise again, play a new a character influenced by the play and the stage where it is set. It is important to always remember you are the divine actor and can adapt and play any part. The empty stage is the fount of everything with all its possibilities. It is inviting you to join in the drama. Raise the curtain and perform your act.

Control is so overrated anyways and is the path to boredom. The fun part of the rollercoaster is the descent. The best part of sky diving is the free falling. We all are climbing that mountain trying to realize that unattainable ideal of ourself; the enlightenment that is just out of our grasp. Enlightenment is just so full of expectations. We wish to become self actualized with some kind of knowing and confidence in who we are and our destiny. When you free yourself from this then the liberty is realized as free falling. Freedom baby! Just make some plans so that you don’t do a full stop at the bottom, will ya?