love is freedom

At my Mesa last night, I finally understood Ram Dass' mantra, "I am loving awareness."

Oh yeah, do tell.

Well, since you asked, it is about becoming a conduit for love.

Why is that necessary?

I noticed that love doesn't really exist, or it seems to be rare in this world.

People go around saying they love each other, but the truth is they are using each other.

It sounds crass, but I deduced that the love we refer to is a structure built upon a network of caring for each other.

Now, I know this sounds kind of crazy, so bear with me.

Caring is necessary in order to get others to love you.

The default state is to not care about other people, however, when you practice this, it turns out no one will care about you.

This leads to a lack of love in your life because our concept of love involves caring.

The twisted part of this love is that it is selfish because you only care for other people in order to receive a care package in return.

The motivating factor in caring about other people is that you want something from them.

What you want is for them to care about you.

Why don't you just play that game?

I can't.

Why not?

It's a lie.

Why?

I don't care about others.

Well, then no one will care about you.

I asked the Great Goddess a long time ago about unconditional love.

I don't think we are ready to know about unconditional love.

Why?

No one practices it.

Unconditional love is loving though you don't care.

There are no conditions.

Do you see that anywhere?

No.

Can you love someone even if they hurt you?

That's tough.

A dog loves you when you feed and walk them.

You love your dogs for their companionship.

It's conditional.

If you fed your dog and then it took off, would you still love your dog?

I'd care about their wellbeing and keep feeding them.

Yeah, you'd care.

I already don't care enough in my life.

How is that working out for you?

It's the secret sauce to life.

Don't care and do nothing.

Yes, but it leads to a lack of love and no friends.

I see that.

I don't feel used.

I don't have anyone I can call on in a time of need.

You are a special case.

You don't even use free government services or work benefits.

Why don't you?

It's a master slave relationship.

So, you want to be the master like with your dogs?

No.

I want them to be free.

I never treated my dogs that way in terms of being their master.

I let Brindle roam.

She was free to do whatever she wanted.

I had to keep Luna on a leash or corralled around the house because she was nuts.

In the woods, I let her run.

I took her every day into the woods and just let her loose.

I remember when I first did it and let her free.

She loved it.

So, you can see it, right?

Love is freedom.

Freedom is an unconditional gift.

You can do whatever you want with it.

There are no attachments.

In this lesson plan, where have you learned there are no attachments?

In Hell.

If you have a lot of attachments, you end up in Hell.

Why?

You burn them in the fire.

That's what the fires of Hell are for.

You throw all your worldly attachments into the fire, and you are free.

No one is attached to going to Hell.

Everyone is attached to going to Heaven.

It's very funny.

You shed your worldly attachments and ascend to Heaven, the biggest attachment on the go.

Okay, you nutter, you are saying in Hell is where you find freedom and will discover how to love unconditionally.

Yes, it's a shit show in Hell because no one cares and is doing whatever they want.

That extreme doesn't work.

So, you can't love unconditionally because it leads to a hellscape?

It appears to be so.

However, if you wish to learn to love unconditionally, Hell is a great place to start.

I think there is merit to that suggestion, however I'm trying to find unconditional love on earth.

There is only one way.

What's the way?

I am loving awareness.

You love everything you are aware of.

The best part of the mantra is you repeat it over and over again and you don't know what it is, but it sounds like a good thing.

When you are ready, you get the lesson.

It's a difficult lesson.

It's a lonely life if you don't care.

Do you think you can love unconditionally?

Yes.

Why do you think that?

Because I couldn't have had this adventure without everyone else.

Without them, there is no adventure.

So, the condition is you need them to have this adventure?

No, I didn't ask them.

No one here on earth is here because of a condition.

We all showed up on this voyage of the damned out of our own free will.

We had freedom and we chose this earth adventure.

I can love all because they are part of my adventure though they had no intention of helping me out.

You are one clever motherfucker.

fingerprints and snowflakes

We are all unique and as part of this understanding I have come to realize we have all incarnated for as many different reasons as there are varied fingerprints and fallen snowflakes in the world. To be sure, there is definitely a lot of overlap and therefore our journeys do share much in common and we can find others who are walking a similar path. The spiritual path I am walking is unique. I definitely recognized that as I usually do not find commonality with others and their experiences. The cast of spiritual characters I have met are typically the same or of a similar cultural motif, but I find it's my interpretation of the journey differs remarkably. That's a tough one for a human as we wish to find connection with others so we can walk hand in hand. My adventure has largely focused on authenticity and being true to what it is I have experienced.

Another way to look at the human spiritual journey is as such: When you follow a system, such as Buddhism, you are are walking in the footsteps of the Buddha and those that came after him who interpreted his teachings. The corpus that followed is a way for a practitioner to reach a form of enlightenment in Buddhism. This method is Buddha's. He was uniquely ready to walk his path. It probably isn't yours and will lead towards frustration. The template will help but you must look inward to find what it is you are looking for. Your journey will be different from the Buddha and his experience. In Christianity, if you join the church, you are given a set of beliefs, called dogma, that you must follow. Any spiritual insight you may have had up to that point is then surrendered to the authority of the church and your beliefs become homogenized with many others. Your individual journey comes to an end, and you become part of a group. The cultural institution of the church knows of the peculiar spiritual awakening that occurs within humans and is set up to welcome those in the culture who have these revelations. The cynic in me would say the church takes advantage of this situation and attains much power and profit because of the relationship. The trusting part of me says the church is the shepherd which guides the flock towards God.

I consider myself lucky to have always known this in the back of my mind. Even when I was an atheist, I was aware each and every one of us are unique. We walk the earth journey in our own set of shoes, not someone else's. As I became more open to spirituality, I wanted to forge ahead on my own journey of discovery, regardless of culture or inhibitions. I was searching for the elusive truth. Somewhere along the way I discovered I create my own universe and as a byproduct, I create my own truth. In my 15 years of spiritual mania, I have indeed found the truth I was looking for. I can elucidate my discoveries and the cast of characters involved in the unfolding of divine truths. I could set up a religion that is designed for someone to follow in my footsteps and have revealed all it is I have discovered. You can become just like me with all my spiritual knowledge and rewards. Yeah, I'm not going to do that. However, I will gladly talk about my experiences and share my story.

Over the past couple of weeks, I have received a profound teaching. The course involved the re-emphasizing of something I had already known but had let lapse, so the follow-up exam was very effective. Let me see if I can sum up the teaching:

When I treat the world as external, I get scared. When I realize all is a part of who I am, then I accept the world as is and am not scared.

Upon heading out on the intensive stage of my spiritual journey I encountered the light, the darkness, and love. I externalized my journey and so when I came face to face with the sinister, I frightened the shit out of myself and ran. I continued to externalize my adversary for many years, and it served me immensely. This is because in order to get past the fear, I had to transform into a warrior full of courage. My journey wasn't going to get far if I was a coward. Eventually, I became the king of myself, and I ruled my world. At the same time, I started to discover that all I had externalized was in fact within me. This led to a complete understanding that not only was this occult world within my own universe, but it was all me. I am all.

So, when I faced some uncertainty in life and was feeling physically ill, I let my mind run wild and one night I again externalized the darkness within. The master teacher is so very frightening and when externalized he trips you up. If you meet this guy on the spiritual path, he will fuck you up.

I used to do this on the regular when I was a newbie and then uncertainty would pour into my spiritual path. Revisiting this experience allowed me to see fear is the result of separation and externalizing all you are. When you realize it is all you, then of course you feel safe. The corollary is that you are the evil in the world. You initiate and perpetuate all the suffering. It sucks but if you keep walking the path you will see all suffering is grace and is the master tool for transformation. The transformation is designed to allow you to find the path back home. The path back home is to the garden of the Mother. Home is where the heart is, and the heart is love. This is my spiritual path and I'd like to think it is the ultimate in what we seek. My methods of getting there will definitely be different than yours. The labyrinth leads to many places, some are filled with a radiant and blinding light. I'd like to announce my way through the maze is the truth and the way, but I'm onto the game. Others are at different stages and paths on the journey and what is unfolding for them is what they need. It's not my place to direct them to my path if they haven't done the work which will allow them to be successful.

final exam

I was taught that within I house Jesus and also Satan. I was taught who I think I am is a concept. I'm an actor so involved in playing my part, I forgot who I am.

I enrolled in the consciousness course about a decade ago and like most good teachings, you are given a little bit of knowledge at a time. From the knowledge, comes understanding, and once you gain that level of mastery of the subject you can move forward in the course with confidence. Too much knowledge at once will just further confuse the student. I've had glimpses of advanced knowledge I did not understand which in turn would lead to conclusions which were destined to change. My blog space here is a testament to that assertion in that I would get ahead of myself instead of letting everything unfold in due time. This is part of everyone's process and it is important to acknowledge that your beliefs will change a thousand times as you accumulate knowledge and understanding. Remaining open to change is among the most important of attributes to carry with you on the educational journey.

What I find fascinating is the beginner lessons of a decade ago laid the groundwork for the advanced teachings of the present. If I was given the advanced teachings at the outset, they would have been wasted as I would have marvelled at the knowledge but would have no understanding of what I was shown. Subsequently, I'd be left twisting in the wind, spouting knowledge I had no idea how to articulately convey to another, or even reconcile within my own mind. At the outset of the course I was taught to free myself. I was treated as a separate being who needed to throw off the chains of culture. I wasn't given understanding of my true nature as of yet; but instead, encouraged to become the hero and slay the dragon. The subsequent adventure into the labyrinth of self uncovered the truth of who I am.

The latest teachings, which began in earnest around March 2020, have been quite the journey. I can explain the course as composed of delving into the duality of self with the first stop being a deep dive into the shadow. My benefactor spent a lot of time preparing me for the eventual cordial meet and greet with the darkness. Previously, I had run scared from the encounter and as a response, had learned courage and bravery from the master earlier in my education. I was ready for the advanced lessons now that it was clear I wouldn't run screaming from what I would be shown. I had been preparing for a while and had experimented with short trips into my own darkness but kept its presence at arm's length. I knew I had to let go and go deep and was preparing for this eventuality. The worldwide pandemic hit at this point and my teacher had other ideas. And so he taught me about the shadow and let me come to terms with my own bad self through self-reflection. When I was ready, he introduced the sacred mushroom and presented to me my shadow.

At first, I still objectified my shadow as the other. I did not want to accept I was the bad guy and responsible for all the suffering in the world. I did not want to accept that the presentation of the world is an accurate reflection of just who I am and who we are collectively as a species. The world as is, is the truth. You may deny it. You may say this is crazy and we are not like this. We don't individually inflict this level of suffering. However, the proof is in the pudding. This is the world we have constructed when left to our own devices. You can bury the shadow but you can't bury the consequences of your actions.

Immediately after this encounter I posited that I was the good guy and he was the bad guy. I knew he was me but I didn't want to fully accept it; so, I still retained the dualistic interpretation of the masculine human psyche and claimed the good guy for myself. I had some of the truth but didn't understand. I have noticed a pattern with my lessons in that they are the opposite of what the external group dynamic is. When we collectively teach religious ideals in culture we point towards the light. From this perspective, the student takes on the role of the degenerate who needs the salvation as offered by the light. The student identifies with the bad and works towards becoming the good. My teachings, on the other hand, allowed me to identify with the light and pointed me towards understanding the dark as opposed to cultural methods that further bury that part of you.

Once I accepted I was also the bad guy and started to internally process this knowledge, I was presented with the concept of the light within. I was given the understanding of the role of a figure such as Jesus Christ in the external and internal world. It was pointed out the encounters I had with this power were undeniable and so I had to sit with the lessons of being shown not only the darkness within but also the light. I was shown the two brothers within my psychic makeup and how over the course of my lifetime they have always been contending for the role of captain on this vessel. The ship had been given a name and cultural identity in a world I became form over 50 years ago.

Subsequently, I was reminded that who I think I am is just a construct made up for the convenience of culture. I was given a name and identity and told I was nothing and had to make it in this world. I play it small because I think I'm small. I have spent the majority of my life not knowing who I am! From the teachings of the master it was revealed to me I am everything. He showed me fundamentally I am not only Jesus but also the Devil, all wrapped up in a bag of skin. I am the creator and the destroyer. I am all, manifest. Neato!

This is the teaching and the knowledge allows me to write the final exam on this course and pass with flying colours.

Now that I have this understanding, the obvious question is why am I here and what am I going to do about it? The teachings are going towards transformation from intellectual understanding to actually putting them into practice. I know why I did this. I created the universe through the interplay of my polar extremes, to wit the light and the dark, in order to understand self. I see I perpetuate the division because of the nature of self. The next part of the course is the path of the heart. I am to temper my extremes with love and find balance. The Great Goddess has always encouraged me to continue on this path of discovery. She encouraged me to slay the dragon once I had the courage to engage. The futile act of trying to slay self was an eye opener and led me to investigate the monster within. At every point she was there to make sure I continued on, offering me protection and refuge when necessary, as well as giving me the impetus to move forward in my quest.