final exam

I was taught that within I house Jesus and also Satan. I was taught who I think I am is a concept. I'm an actor so involved in playing my part, I forgot who I am.

I enrolled in the consciousness course about a decade ago and like most good teachings, you are given a little bit of knowledge at a time. From the knowledge, comes understanding, and once you gain that level of mastery of the subject you can move forward in the course with confidence. Too much knowledge at once will just further confuse the student. I've had glimpses of advanced knowledge I did not understand which in turn would lead to conclusions which were destined to change. My blog space here is a testament to that assertion in that I would get ahead of myself instead of letting everything unfold in due time. This is part of everyone's process and it is important to acknowledge that your beliefs will change a thousand times as you accumulate knowledge and understanding. Remaining open to change is among the most important of attributes to carry with you on the educational journey.

What I find fascinating is the beginner lessons of a decade ago laid the groundwork for the advanced teachings of the present. If I was given the advanced teachings at the outset, they would have been wasted as I would have marvelled at the knowledge but would have no understanding of what I was shown. Subsequently, I'd be left twisting in the wind, spouting knowledge I had no idea how to articulately convey to another, or even reconcile within my own mind. At the outset of the course I was taught to free myself. I was treated as a separate being who needed to throw off the chains of culture. I wasn't given understanding of my true nature as of yet; but instead, encouraged to become the hero and slay the dragon. The subsequent adventure into the labyrinth of self uncovered the truth of who I am.

The latest teachings, which began in earnest around March 2020, have been quite the journey. I can explain the course as composed of delving into the duality of self with the first stop being a deep dive into the shadow. My benefactor spent a lot of time preparing me for the eventual cordial meet and greet with the darkness. Previously, I had run scared from the encounter and as a response, had learned courage and bravery from the master earlier in my education. I was ready for the advanced lessons now that it was clear I wouldn't run screaming from what I would be shown. I had been preparing for a while and had experimented with short trips into my own darkness but kept its presence at arm's length. I knew I had to let go and go deep and was preparing for this eventuality. The worldwide pandemic hit at this point and my teacher had other ideas. And so he taught me about the shadow and let me come to terms with my own bad self through self-reflection. When I was ready, he introduced the sacred mushroom and presented to me my shadow.

At first, I still objectified my shadow as the other. I did not want to accept I was the bad guy and responsible for all the suffering in the world. I did not want to accept that the presentation of the world is an accurate reflection of just who I am and who we are collectively as a species. The world as is, is the truth. You may deny it. You may say this is crazy and we are not like this. We don't individually inflict this level of suffering. However, the proof is in the pudding. This is the world we have constructed when left to our own devices. You can bury the shadow but you can't bury the consequences of your actions.

Immediately after this encounter I posited that I was the good guy and he was the bad guy. I knew he was me but I didn't want to fully accept it; so, I still retained the dualistic interpretation of the masculine human psyche and claimed the good guy for myself. I had some of the truth but didn't understand. I have noticed a pattern with my lessons in that they are the opposite of what the external group dynamic is. When we collectively teach religious ideals in culture we point towards the light. From this perspective, the student takes on the role of the degenerate who needs the salvation as offered by the light. The student identifies with the bad and works towards becoming the good. My teachings, on the other hand, allowed me to identify with the light and pointed me towards understanding the dark as opposed to cultural methods that further bury that part of you.

Once I accepted I was also the bad guy and started to internally process this knowledge, I was presented with the concept of the light within. I was given the understanding of the role of a figure such as Jesus Christ in the external and internal world. It was pointed out the encounters I had with this power were undeniable and so I had to sit with the lessons of being shown not only the darkness within but also the light. I was shown the two brothers within my psychic makeup and how over the course of my lifetime they have always been contending for the role of captain on this vessel. The ship had been given a name and cultural identity in a world I became form over 50 years ago.

Subsequently, I was reminded that who I think I am is just a construct made up for the convenience of culture. I was given a name and identity and told I was nothing and had to make it in this world. I play it small because I think I'm small. I have spent the majority of my life not knowing who I am! From the teachings of the master it was revealed to me I am everything. He showed me fundamentally I am not only Jesus but also the Devil, all wrapped up in a bag of skin. I am the creator and the destroyer. I am all, manifest. Neato!

This is the teaching and the knowledge allows me to write the final exam on this course and pass with flying colours.

Now that I have this understanding, the obvious question is why am I here and what am I going to do about it? The teachings are going towards transformation from intellectual understanding to actually putting them into practice. I know why I did this. I created the universe through the interplay of my polar extremes, to wit the light and the dark, in order to understand self. I see I perpetuate the division because of the nature of self. The next part of the course is the path of the heart. I am to temper my extremes with love and find balance. The Great Goddess has always encouraged me to continue on this path of discovery. She encouraged me to slay the dragon once I had the courage to engage. The futile act of trying to slay self was an eye opener and led me to investigate the monster within. At every point she was there to make sure I continued on, offering me protection and refuge when necessary, as well as giving me the impetus to move forward in my quest.